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Sadly, I did not write today. But I did make a spreadsheet.

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Rehab for writing injuries

You’ve heard of “making writing a habit,” and you’ve tried, but the pressure to write fills you with horrible pain and dread. You spend all your time wishing you could write but somehow never writing. The “make it a habit” approach doesn’t work for you. But you still want to write, maybe even regularly. Is there nothing you can do?

Here is an alternative approach to try. A rehab program, as it were, for writers with a psychological “writing injury” that has destroyed their desire to write and replaced it with shame, anxiety and dread.

If you have a writing injury, you probably acquired it by being cruel to yourself, by internalizing some intensely critical voice or set of rules that crushes your will to write under the boot-heel of “you should.” “You should be writing better after all the years of experience you’ve had.” “You should be writing more hours a day, you’ll never get published at this rate.” “You should write more like [Hilton Als/Jeffrey Eugenides/Octavia Butler/Terry Pratchett/etc.].” “You should write faster/more/better/etc./etc.”

You know what, though? Fuck all that. Self-abuse may have featured heavily in the cool twentieth-century writer’s lifestyle, but we are going to treat ourselves differently. Because 1) it’s nicer, and 2) frankly, it gets better results. My plan here is to help you take the radical step of caring for yourself.

1) First of all: ask yourself why you aren’t writing. 

Not with the goal of fixing the problem, but…just to understand. For a moment, dial down all of the “goddammit, why can’t I just write?” blaring in your head and be curious about yourself. Clearly, you have a reason for not writing. Humans don’t do anything for no reason. Try to discover what it is. And be compassionate; don’t reject anything you discover as “not a good enough excuse.” Your reasons are your reasons.

For me, writing was painful because I wanted it to solve all my problems. I wanted it to make me happy and whole. I hated myself and hoped writing would transform me into a totally different person. When it failed to do that, as it always did, I felt like shit.

Maybe writing hurts because you’ve loaded it with similarly unfair expectations. Or maybe you’re a victim of low expectations. Maybe people have told you you’re stupid or untalented or not fluent enough in the language you write in. Maybe writing has become associated with painful events in your life. Maybe you’ve just been forced to write so many times that you can no longer write without feeling like someone’s making you do it. Writing-related pain and anxiety can come from so many different places.

2) Once you have some idea of why you’re not writing…just sit with that.

Don’t go into problem-solving mode. Just nod to yourself and say, “yes, that’s a good reason. If I were me, I wouldn’t want to write either.” Have some sympathy for yourself and the pain you’re in.

3) Now…keep sitting with it. That’s it, for the moment. No clever solutions. Just sympathize. And, most importantly, grant yourself permission to not write, for a while.

It’s okay. You are good and valuable and worthy of love, even when you aren’t writing. There are still beautiful, true things inside of you.

Here’s the thing: it’s very hard for humans to do things if they don’t have permission not to do them. It’s especially hard if those things are also painful. We hate feeling trapped or compelled, and we hate having our feelings disregarded. It shuts us down in every possible way. You will feel more desire to write, therefore, if you believe you are free not to write, and if you believe it’s okay not to do what causes you pain.

(By the way: not having permission isn’t the same as knowing there will be negative consequences. “If I don’t write, I won’t make my deadline” is different from “I’m not allowed not to write, even if it hurts.” One is just awareness of cause and effect; the other is a kind of slavery.)

4) For at least a week, take an enforced vacation from writing, and from any demands that you write. During this time, you are not permitted to write or give yourself grief for not writing. 

This may or may not be reverse psychology. But it’s more than that.

Think of it as a period of convalescence. You’re keeping your weight off an injury so it can heal, and what’s broken is your desire to write. Pitilessly forcing yourself to write when it’s painful, plus the shame you feel when you don’t write, is what broke that desire. So, for a week (or a month, or a year, or however long you need) tell yourself you are taking a doctor-prescribed break from writing.

This will feel scary for some folks. You might feel like you’re giving up. You might worry that this break from writing feels too good, that your desire to write might never return. All I can say is, I’ve been there. I’ve had all those fears and feelings. And the desire to write did return. But you gotta treat it like a tiny crocus shoot and not stomp on it the second it pokes its little head up. Like so:

5) Once you feel an itch to write again—once you start to chafe against the doctor’s orders���you can write a tiny bit. Only five or ten minutes a day. 

That’s it. I’m serious: set a timer, and stop writing when the time’s up. No cheating. (Well…maybe you can take an extra minute to finish your thought, if necessary.)

Remember: these rules are not like the old rules, the ones that said, “you must write or you suck.” These rules are a form of self-care. You are not imposing a cruel, arbitrary law, you are being gentle with yourself. Not “easy” or “soft”—any Olympic athlete will tell you that hard exercise when you’ve got an injury is stupid and pointless, not tough or virtuous. If you need an excuse to take care of yourself, that’s it: if you’re injured, you can’t perform well, and aggravating the injury could take you out of the competition permanently.

For the first few days, all of the writing you do should be freewriting. Later, you can do some tiny writing exercises. Don’t jump into an old project you stalled out on. Think small and exploratory, not big and goal-oriented. And whatever you do, don’t judge the output. If you have to, don’t even read what you write. This is exercise, not performance; this is you stretching your atrophied writing muscles, not you trying to write something good. At this stage, it literally doesn’t matter what you write, as long as you generate words. (Frankly, it would be kind of weird and unfair if your writing at this point was good.)

6) After a week, you can increase your time limit if you want. But only a little! 

Spend a week limiting yourself to, say, twenty minutes a day instead of ten. When in doubt, set your limit for less than you think you’ll need. You want to end each writing session feeling like you could keep going, not like you’re crawling across the finish line.

Should you write every day? That’s up to you. Some people will find it helpful to put writing on their calendar at the same time each day. Others will be horribly stifled by that. You get to decide when and how often you write, but two things: 1) think about what you, personally, need when you make that decision, and 2) allow that decision to be flexible.

Remember, the only rule is, don’t go over your daily limit. You always have permission to write less.

And keep checking in with yourself. Remember how this program began? If something hurts, if your brain is sending you “I don’t wanna” signals, respect them. Investigate them, find out what their deal is. You might decide to (gently) encourage yourself to write in spite of them, but don’t ignore your pain. You are an athlete, and athletes listen to their bodies, especially when they’re recovering from an injury. If writing feels shitty one day, give yourself a reward for doing it. If working on a particular project ties your brain in knots, do a little freewriting to loosen up. And always be willing to take a break. You always have permission not to write.

7) Slowly increase your limit over time, but always have a limit. 

And when you’re not writing, you’re not writing. You don’t get to berate yourself for not writing. If you find yourself regularly blazing past your limit, then increase your limit, but don’t set large aspirational limits in an effort to make yourself write more. In fact, be ready to adjust your limit lower.

When it comes to mental labor, after all, more is not always better. Apparently, the average human brain can only concentrate for about 45 minutes at a time, and it only has about four or so high-quality 45-minute sessions a day in it. That’s three hours. So if you set your daily limit for more than three hours, you may be working at reduced efficiency, when you’d be better off saving up your ideas and motivation for the next day. (Plus, health and other factors may in fact give you less than 3 good hours a day. That’s okay!)

Of course, if you’re a professional writer or a student, external pressures may force you to write when your brain is tired, but my point is more about attitude: constant work is not necessarily better work. So don’t make it into a moral ideal. We tend to think that working less is morally weak or wrong, and that’s bullshit. Taking care of yourself is practical. Pushing yourself too hard will just hurt you and your writing. Also, your feelings are real and they matter. If you ignore or abuse them, you’ll be like a runner trying to run on a broken ankle.

I know I’m going to get someone who says, “if you’re a pro, sometimes you gotta ignore your feelings and just get the work done!” 

NO. 

You can, of course, choose to work in spite of any pain you’re feeling. But ignore that pain at your peril. Instead, acknowledge the pain and be compassionate. Forgive yourself if pain slows you down. You are human, so don’t hold your feet to the fire for having human limitations. Maybe a deadline is forcing you to work anyway. But make yourself a cup of hot chocolate to get you through it, literally or metaphorically. Help yourself, don’t force yourself. If you’ve had a serious writing injury, that shift in attitude will make all the difference. 

In short: treat yourself as someone whose feelings matter.

Try it out! And let me know how it goes!

Ask a question or send me feedback!

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save me stanford era dean save me

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My Destiel Brain Rot

A03 / TUMBLR PUBLISHED WIP

Love & Stage Crew 25/33 Chapters Completed Since 8/16/19 - HS Friends to Lovers AU, Endverse!Castiel / Stagehand!Dean

SPN X Stand By Me 6/10 Chapters Completed Since 6/18/21 - Film/ Book Adaptation, Kid Fic, Eventual Destiel

Dad's on a Hunting Trip and He Hasn't Been Home in a Few Days… 5/22 Chapters Completed Since Since 9/3/22 - Part 1 of The Road Too Far Series, Season 1 CODA.

Lazurus Rising Rebooted (Part 1-3 ) - Post Hell AU, Openly Bi Dean/ Castiel, Season 4-5 Canon Divergent

Not Okay - Film/ Comic Adaptation / Season 6 Canon Divergence, HS

UNPUBLISHED WIP 

Dean’s Ultimate Traxx 2000 - HS Friends to Lovers AU, Alcoholic!Dean / Cas

These Days - HS Friends to Lovers AU, Disordered Eating!Cas / Football Player Dean

Heavy (From the Hurt)/ Comfortably Numb - HS Modern, Friends to Lovers AU, Depressed!Cas / Teen Dean

Part Two of Portrait / Untitled - Modern, Friends to Lovers AU Endverse!Cas/ Recovery Dean

IN DEVELOPMENT WIP (Outlines Only)

Another Word For Failure - Adaptation, Teacher AU, Alcoholic!Dean

Part Two of Starlight / Untitled - Established Relationship, Endverse!Cas, Dadstiel

SPN X Little Monsters - Film Adaptation, Kid Fic, Creature Fic AU - Modern with Magic

Some One Else’s Atrocias Story - Post Canon Fix it Fic

Heartlines- Post Canon Fix it Fic

SUPTOBER 2023 (Outlines I Still Think About)

FULL SPREAD/ Gap Year - Pre S6 Fix it Fic (Set Oct 2010)

BLACK CAT - Kid Fic, Creature Fic AU - Modern with Magic

SATANIC PANIC - S7 Case Fic/ Bridgewater Podcast Crossover, Jeremy Bradshaw & Dean

EPIC -  Film Adaptation, Epileptic!Cas/ Grieving Dean

FLIRT - Pre-Canon Season 2, Castiel Backstory, Canon Compliant

FEVER - Canon Divergent S10, Soulmate AU, Demon!Dean/ Castiel

PLANNING/ PLOT BUNNIES (Notes Only)

Love + Summer Stock - Sequel to Love + Stage Crew

Closer to Free - Adaptation, Modern, Friends to Lovers AU

Impractically Winchester - Adaptation, Modern, Enemies to Lovers, Soulmate AU

Untitled Post Canon Claire Novak - Fixit Fic, Canon Compliant, Hunter!Claire

MOC as Mental Illness - MOC!Dean Season 9-10 rewrite, Depressed!Dean Season 7-9 rewrite

SPN GENERATIONS - Fix It Fic, Hunter!Ben Braedon, Soulmate Dean/ Castiel

Part Two of LIMINAL / What Comes After - Fix It Fic, Season One Retold AU

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Shipping fictional characters isn’t representative of your moral values. It’s representative of your particular psychic damage and the themes and motifs that haunt you. Hope this helps.

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"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate." -William Shakespeare, Sonnet 18

Omfg the head tilt is so cuteeee

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Just posted Chapter Six of SPN X Stand By Me over on Ao3. Once the draft reached over 5,000 words, I decided to cut it in half for continuity. So, hopefully, Chapter Seven will be up soon since it's already more than half-written.

🎥: via Tiktok

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cannot emphasize enough how a good piece of media can reset a creative slump. stop putting off consuming that media because you "should be writing instead" and then not write either

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📚 AO3 WRAPPED 2023 📚

🔍 **Firsts of the Year:**

- First fic you clicked on this year: wings of a crow, overshadowing by rupertgayes

- First fic you bookmarked this year: Thirty Days by eagertoidentify

- First fic you posted this year: Dad's on a Hunting Trip and He Hasn't Been Home in a Few Days...

📖**Reading Stats:**

- Most read fandom this year: Supernatural (TV 2005) 

- Most read pairing this year: Castiel/Dean Winchester 

- Most read tags this year: Angst with a Happy Ending, Endverse Castiel, If Supernatural Were on HBO, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergent

- Most read fic by hits this year: Last Stop on the H Train by crazyassCas

📝**Writing Stats:**

- Most popular fic by hits written this year: Love & Stage Crew

- Most popular fic by kudos written this year: Love & Stage Crew

- WIPs you started writing this year: 21

- WIPs you started writing and posted this year: 6

- WIPs you started writing and finished this year: 5

🌟**Favorites:**

- Your personal favorite fic you posted this year: Nimbus

- Your personal favorite fic you read this year: Angel's Wild by LimonadeGaby (orphan_account) & riseofthefallenone

- Your personal favorite series you read this year: a slice of that apple pie life by dicklessthewonderclown

🔗 **Recent Activity:**

- Most recent fic you clicked on: Down Season by arrow_jack

- Most recent fic you bookmarked: traveling light by sharkfish

📊 **Stats Overview:**

- Total word count posted this year: 58,996 words  

- Total hits this year: 4,045 

- Total kudos this year: 179

- Total comment threads this year: 14  

📣 **Shout Outs:**

- Shout out an incomplete fic you read this year: If Only Maybe and Then by stonelions

- Shout out an incomplete fic you wrote this year: Dean’s Ultimate Traxx 2000

🎉 **Cheers to Another Year of Reading Fanfiction!**

Template Inspired by AO3 Wrapped Ask Game!

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Starlight

The Impala rumbles to a halt outside The Starlight Motel, its tired engine sighing in relief. Dean leans back in the worn leather seat, rubbing his eyes, exhausted. The road has started to take its toll on Dean despite him having made this trip countless times before. After nearly a decade, his journey here and back again has become the only ritual that keeps him connected to his past and the one person still holding a piece of his heart.

Stepping out of the car, Dean can't help but glance around, his eyes scanning the familiar surroundings. The Starlight Motel hasn't changed much over the years. It’s still the same dingy, run-down place where he and Cas first met, spent countless hours as kids, and dreamt about escaping from someday.

Dean makes his way to the front desk, the bell above the door jingling softly as he pushes it open. The desk clerk, a tired-looking woman with bleach-blonde hair and bright red lipstick, removes an unlit cigarette from her lips before offering him a half-hearted smile. 

"Can I help you?" she asks, her voice heavy with boredom.

"Yeah," Dean replies, pulling out his wallet and tossing a few crumpled twenties onto the counter. 

"I need a room for a couple of nights."

"Okay, you're in #12," The clerk says, taking the money and handing Dean a key with very little investment.

Dean nods and heads for the lobby, the worn carpet muffling his footsteps. It's early November, but there are still a few flimsy-looking Halloween decorations strewn around in the corners of the motel. Just another subtle reminder that time keeps marching, regardless of whether anyone’s ready to start letting go. Room 12 is just like every other room in the place—barely functional, but it has a bed and a shower, which is all he really needs.

Dean tosses his duffel bag onto the bed and lets out a long sigh. He knows he has to check on Cas next. Doing so has become a routine for him, a way to ease his conscience, even though Dean’s never sure what he will find. Dean’s been renting Cas a room at the Starlight Motel year-round since he left, figuring it's the least he can do for the guy. Cas has a tendency to move around a lot, seeking out the sketchiest people while chasing his next high. At least this way, Dean can try to help his friend retain some semblance of home, even if it's back here, of all places.

Pulling out his phone, Dean scrolls until he finds his favorite picture: two young boys, their eyes wide with anticipation and ready for whatever life has in store. Although the original photo was taken many years ago, Dean can't help keeping a digital copy purely for sentimental value.

Holding a breath, Dean taps "Call" as a pit of concern opens up beneath his ribs. He’s got six different phone numbers for Cas currently, and it's always a gamble whether any of them will even go through.

"Hello?" Cas's voice crackles over the line, already sounding very far away.

"Hey, Cas," Dean says, trying to keep his voice casual. 

"It's me."

There is a long pause before Cas replies.

"Back again so soon, Dean?"

Dean runs a hand through his disheveled hair, trying to steady his breathing.

"Naw, you know me, I’m just passing through. But I thought I'd call and see how you're doing."

"You know how I'm doing, Dean." Cas states, his voice thick with bitterness. 

Dean winces at the truth in his friend's words. Knowing all too well how much Cas has struggled for years now, battling demons Dean still doesn’t fully understand. They had been close once, more so than anyone could’ve imagined, but life has taken them down different paths.

"Listen," Dean begins, 

"I rented myself a room at The Starlight for a few nights. Why don't you swing by? I’ll order us some pizza and maybe restock your fridge. We can catch up."

Cas hesitates, and for a moment, Dean thinks he might actually say no. 

"Okay, Dean. I'll be there." Cas says, sounding defeated.

Dean hangs up and lets out another sigh, this one heavier than the last. He knows he can't save Cas or fix the mess that is his life. But he also can't find it in himself to walk away either. Not after everything they have been through.

Dean leaves his room, returning to the front desk once more. When he requests an extra copy of Cas's room key, the clerk hands it over without question. She’s seen this all before, the two of them coming and going like ghosts.

Back in his room, Dean sits on the edge of the bed and stares out the window. The parking lot is empty, save for a few beat-up-looking cars. The neon sign of The Starlight flickers and buzzes, casting an eerie glow over everything.

Dean can't help but think back to his and Cas’s origins as he waits. They had been inseparable as kids, each other's lifelines in a world that seemed determined to tear them apart. They had even dated briefly, an awkward and confusing experiment in teenage love. Then Sam died, Dean left town, and Cas stayed behind to pick up the pieces alone. Even now, after all these years, the wrongs of the past haunt Dean, while the present feels no less bleak. But he’s determined to be there for Cas, no matter how impossible the task seems. For the sake of the man he once loved and probably still does, Dean knows he has to at least try.