queen-quotatious - Tumblr blog

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When you're given an opportunity to change your life, be ready to do whatever it takes to make it happen. The world doesn't give things, you take things. If you learn one thing from me, it should probably be that.

Taylor Jenkins Reid, The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo

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It's so annoying, eating-disorder brain. Anytime I'm having a conversation with someone over a meal. there's another conversation happening internally—judgments and criticisms and self-loathing that press on me with such severity. They're a brutal distraction. I can never be present with whoever I'm with. My focus is always more on the food than the person.

Jennette McCurdy, I’m Glad My Mom Died

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My body has fluctuated frequently and drastically throughout this decade, and no matter how it's fluctuated, no matter whether my body is a kids' size 10 slim or an adult size 6, I've had an issue underneath it.  People don't seem to get that unless they have a history with eating disorders. People seem to assign thin with 'good,' heavy with 'bad,' and too thin also with 'bad.' There's such a small window of 'good.' It's a window that I currently fall into, even though my habits are so far from good. I'm abusing my body every day. I'm miserable. I'm depleted. And yet the compliments keep pouring in.

Jennette McCurdy, I’m Glad My Mom Died

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I'm desperate to feel close with her, but also desperate for that closeness to be on my terms, not hers.

Jennette McCurdy, I’m Glad My Mom Died

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I wish I felt connected to Dad the way I feel connected to Mom. Being around Mom can be tiring, sure, but at least I know what to do to make her happy. Around Dad, I never really know. It's less work, but it's also less rewarding.

Jennette McCurdy, I’m Glad My Mom Died

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The cake and ice cream are rolled out and I'm thrilled. I've been waiting for this moment for two whole weeks, since I first decided what I was going to wish for. The birthday wish is the most power I have in my life right now. It's my best chance at control. I don't take this opportunity for granted. I want to make it count.

Jennette McCurdy, I’m Glad My Mom Died

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The truth is that I wish I had anorexia, not bulimia. I'm pining for anorexia. I've grown humiliated by bulimia, which I used to think of as the best of both worlds—eat what you want, throw it all up, stay thin. But now it doesn't feel like the best of both worlds. It feels terrible. I'm filled with so much shame and anxiety every time after I eat, I literally don't know what to do to make myself feel better except throw up. And after I'm done, I half do. Half of me feels depleted, exhausted, like there's nothing left, which is helpful. The other half of me now has a splitting headache, a sore throat, vomit sliding down my arm and tangled in my hair, and even more shame on top of the initial shame since now I've not only eaten but thrown up, too. Bulimia is not the answer. Anorexia is. Anorexia is regal, in control, all-powerful. Bulimia is out of control, chaotic, pathetic. Poor man's anorexia. I have friends with anorexia, and I can tell they pity me. I know they know because anyone with an eating disorder can tell when anyone else has an eating disorder. It's like a secret code you can't help but pick up on.

Jennette McCurdy, I’m Glad My Mom Died

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But what does mean something to me is the general air in the McCurdy household. The best way I can describe it is that, for as far back as I can remember, the air in the house has felt like a held breath.

Jennette McCurdy, I’m Glad My Mom Died

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Through writing, I feel power for maybe the first time in my life. I don't have to say somebody else's words. I can write my own. I can be myself for once. I like the privacy of it. Nobody's watching. Nobody's judging. Nobody's weighing in . . . Just me and the page. Writing is the opposite of performing to me. Performing feels inherently fake. Writing feels inherently real.

Jennette McCurdy, I’m Glad My Mom Died

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Go as far as you can—way out yonder where the crawdads sing.

Delia Owens, Where The Crawdads Sing

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But loneliness has a compass of its own.

Delia Owens, Where The Crawdads Sing

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There are so many crises in foster care—the original abuse, the shock and alarm when a child is removed, the courtroom fights, kids rebelling, bio parents panicking, foster parents molesting, relapses, rehabs, reabuse—that basic, low-level functioning begins to seem exemplary. These are the mediocre flatlands of child welfare, where if it's not a crisis it's not a problem.

Cris Beam, To the End of June: The Intimate Life of American Foster Care

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There's no such thing. Our bodies break down. Sometimes when we're 90. Sometimes before we're even born. But it always happens, and there's never any dignity in it. I don't care if you can walk, see, wipe your own ass. It's always ugly. Always. We can live dignity, we can't die with it.

Dr. Gregory House, performed by Hugh Laurie, in House

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I can't even imagine being a 13-year-old girl today.

Paris Hilton in This Is Paris

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In the parallel universe the laws of physics are suspended. What goes up does not necessarily come down; a body at rest does not tend to stay at rest; and not every action can be counted on to provoke an equal and opposite reaction. Time, too, is different. It may run in circles, flow backward, skip about from now to then. The very arrangement of molecules is fluid: Tables can be clocks; faces, flowers.

Susanna Kaysen, Girl, Interrupted

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People ask, How did you get in there? What they really want to know is if they are likely to end up in there as well. I can't answer the real question. All I can tell them is, It's easy.

Susanna Kaysen, Girl, Interrupted

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Often an entire family is crazy, but since an entire family can’t go into the hospital, one person is designated as crazy and goes inside. Then, depending on how the rest of the family is feeling, that person is kept inside or snatched out, to prove something about the family’s mental health. Most families were proving the same proposition: We aren’t crazy; she is the crazy one.

Susanna Kaysen, Girl, Interrupted