redqueen-rants-blog

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Horror movies or “Let’s split up and get killed!”

I’ve been watching horror movies for a really long time. I need to keep track of the movies I’ve seen because they just seem equal to me and I don’t want to end up watching the same movie over and over again without realizing it.

If you watch at least 10 horror movies that have come out in the last years, I can assure you you’re going to find many similarities in the plot. And when I say many, I mean TOO MANY!

First of all, the setting is always the same: it’s either a group of teenagers who decide to spend their holiday in a house in the middle of nowhere (see Evil Dead or The Cabin in the Woods) or it’s a family who has recently moved into a new house (Insidious, The Conjuring, Sinister, The Amityville Horror, The Shining, Poltergeist, you get the idea…)

I’m still waiting for a horror movie to happen in a nursing home.

Can you just imagine a 90-year-old man with an axe running after his roommate to kill him because he stole his denture? That would be scary! Have you ever seen an old person get angry? They’ve got nothing to lose so they’ll fight you at any moment! Or you would hear someone shout “Oh my God! Mary has gotten killed! Oh wait, no, she just died from pneumonia. Nevermind!”

If you notice, there’s always a basement or an attic with some creepy stuff from the previous owners of the house. It usually involves family pictures, sometimes there’s a tape and in most cases, there’s a book with a sign that says don’t open this. But what do horror movie characters do when they see this? They fucking open it! Are you illiterate or are you just dumb? The sign CLEARLY said not to open it, but you just decide to ignore it because being possessed and dying is always fun!

What do all horror movie characters have in common? They’re all dumb! It’s easy to spot a horror movie character because they always think the best decision is to split up when there’s a killer in the house.

Of course, honey! Let’s all split up so we can get easily killed. I mean, I don’t want to give too much trouble to the assassin. He has already done enough, so approaching him with a group of five people who are ready to take him down seems rude!

If you ever find yourself stuck in a horror movie, don’t be the girl who can’t keep her legs closed. They usually die first. If you’re the virgin, you’re lucky – you’ll be the one who gets possessed. Let’s see this from a good perspective: you’ll be the scariest person in your high school and I’m sure they’ll give you a nice spot in your yearbook!

What’s up with horror movies and possessed kids? In every single one that involves a family, the child is ALWAYS the one who is possessed. Do not demons have respect for the younger people? They just want to sit down and watch Dora the Explorer. Killing people takes too much effort so I hope you make them eat all their vegetables at dinner, so they’ll get strong again. Don’t be irresponsible!

Anyway, I guess I’ll just sit down and wait for a good horror movie to come out in the next few years. Guess, that will take a while

Kisses,

The Red Queen

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Weight or “not even the girl in the magazine looks like the girl in the magazine”

Many people are rude and everybody knows that. When it comes to physical appearance, so many people are judgmental. If you’re overweight you hear things like “Oh you’re fat. You should go on a diet. Nobody will ever say you’re pretty”. If you’re thin, you hear things like “Oh you should start eating more. You look pale and sick. Remember: only dogs go for bones.”

First of all, SHUT THE FUCK UP!

People’s bodies are their own business. Don’t tell someone that boys/girls will not like them because they look like this or that. They don’t have to please anyone else but themselves so kindly fuck off.

If people don’t like what they see, they should just keep their nasty opinions to themselves. I would also advise them to go find a fork and stab themselves in the eyes.

Let’s start talking seriously. I’m tired of telling people “No, don’t worry, you’re not fat.” You are fat and you know what? That’s perfectly okay! You look gorgeous. I absolutely love your body. Just because you have some extra weight, doesn’t mean you lost your beauty. You’re still beautiful even if you have 50 more pounds. I don’t care about that and neither should anyone else. You still look amazing.

I am a thin girl and I’ve heard so many people ask me if I have a freaking eating disorder. Just because I’m naturally thin doesn’t mean I’m sick. Just because I’m naturally thin doesn’t make me less attractive. Yes, I have small boobs and my butt is practically non-existent. And so what? I don’t care if I’m flat chested or if my ass isn’t big enough to please society; I still like my own body and I’m not ashamed of it.

Many people tell me they want to look like the typical ‘girl on the magazine’. What they don’t realize is that the girl on the magazine doesn’t even look like herself on the magazine.

The thing about society is that they will see a fat person eating a salad and say “Oh, poor thing, she’s trying to lose weight because she’s not pretty enough” and they will see a thin person eating a salad and say “No wonder she’s so thin. She should put some meat on her bones or she’ll never be pretty”. And the only thing I have to say to those people is a big

Kisses,

The Red Queen

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Public bathrooms!

Public bathrooms or “I’m not going to poop on the same toilet as Nicki Minaj” 

If you ever see me inside a public bathroom, it's because I’m waiting for a friend or because I need to wash my hands. I don’t use the toilet. I don’t use it in shopping centres, in school, in coffee shops, anywhere.

Okay, maybe you think I’m exaggerating and I probably am. I have used public bathrooms quite a few times before but I try to avoid it at all costs. I only use those toilets if I’m feeling sick or if I feel like my bladder is going to explode at any moment.

There are a few people who would give anything to even sit on the same place as a celebrity but if it was a toilet, I’d pass. I don’t care if Kim K or Nicki Minaj have pooped there. I am not going to use it.

When I use a public bathroom for some reason (the last time that happened Henry VIII was still alive), I always find a few tiny problems.

Why are there people who don’t flush? Are you that proud of you gigantic poop that you expect the next person to admire it, take a selfie with it and then ask you for an autograph? I’m sorry to inform you but that’s not gonna happen. Just flush! It’s not that hard.

I’m sure we all have come across this problem that’s called “water” on the floor. Let’s admit it: we all know that’s not water but we just keep trying to fool ourselves so we don’t have to think about someone’s piss touching our shoes!

The worst problem of all (and this used to happen a lot at my old school) is when there’s no toilet paper…anywhere. What are you expecting us to do? Carry a toilet paper in the middle of our textbooks? It’s ridiculous.

Is it only me or do public bathrooms all smell the same? They all have that smell of crappy air freshener to make you believe that the bathroom is clean when in reality all the bacteria are having a dance party in there.

Oh well…

If you liked this, don’t forget to reblog/like.

Kisses,

The Red Queen

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Short people!

Short people or “I want to be part of the club of people who can reach the top shelf”

Just to clear things up: Yes, I am short. Yes, the weather is great down here. No, I’m not a midget. Don’t ever dare treating me like a child just because I’m a foot shorter than you. I can still stab you...on the knees because that’s probably the only place I can reach.

First of all, don’t even get me started on concerts. In one of the concerts I went to, one of my friends had to literally pick me up so I could see the stage! Every time there’s a crowd of people and I’m on the last row, I always have to get on my tiptoes or even jump to see what’s happening at the front. (Thankfully, there are still nice people in this world who let me stay in front of them because  they know I can’t see from where I’m standing. Shout out to all those people!)

Not being able to reach the top shelf is supper annoying. I have to climb the counter every time I cook and trust me when I say that it is not practical at all.

I’ve had this next person several times and nobody ever speaks about this. Whenever I want to kiss someone tall on their cheek, they never bend down so i can reach their face. If I have to stand on my tiptoes, why don’t you help me and bend down a little? That would be a lot more helpful!

Now, just because I’m short, that doesn’t mean that you can pick me up whenever you want. There was a guy in my old school that used to pick me up just because he thought it was funny. I’m small but I’m not a pocket-sized doll. You cannot carry me wherever you go.

So, tall people enjoy your life! I wish I could be part of the club of people who can reach the top shelf too. But remember: just because we’re shorter, that doesn’t mean we’re weak.

Kisses,

The Red Queen

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BRAS!

Bras or “stop crushing my boobs and my soul!”

Bras. Some people like them, many people hate them but in the end, we know we wouldn’t be able to live without them. Bras can be quite annoying sometimes and that’s what I’m here to write about today.

Every girl has experienced that amazing feeling when the end of the day comes and you can finally take your bra off. It’s like letting two birds fly away from their cage. It’s so relaxing! Wearing that medieval torture device on your chest for a whole day is impressive.

You know that woman who is always rude to you? Yeah, she’s probably just wearing a very tight bra...

If there’s one thing that I hate is people that say “Your bra strap is showing” with a shocked look on their face as if they just saw an UFO and shook hands with an alien. “Oh my God! You’re a girl who wears a bra!! That’s shocking! What are we going to find next? That the Sun is actually a star?”

What about sports bras? They’re so tight that they almost crush your soul! (Well, in reality they’re just crushing your boobs but that’s not what it feels like)

Dresses without the back part are something terrible. I mean, it’s not my fault that I got a bitchy bra that wants to grab everyone’s attention and is jealous of the attention my cute dress is getting...

Nude bras are absolutely ridiculous. There are many dark skinned people who can only find bras that are like 5 shades lighter than their real skin colour. MAKE NUDE BRAS FOR ALL SKIN COLOURS!!

Honestly, having to buy a new bra is like torture to me. I love my old bras because I’ve already gotten used to how they feel and it’s so difficult to find a new bra that makes me feel the same way that the old ones do.

But no matter how annoying they are, I still love bras. They’re comfortable and cute and I don’t care if I’m the only one who thinks about it that way. They protect my boobs from any harm so it’s like they’re my knight in a shining armor.

(I can’t believe I just said this...)

Kisses,

The Red Queen

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If yawns are contagious, it is possible my yawn has circled the world in a cycle of being passed on until it reaches me again

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Being born is the first time I do something for the last time and dying will be the last time I do something for the first time

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I’d rather skip a song every time it comes up in my playlist than remove it altogether

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Siri should respond to me at the same volume level that I spoke at

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I live in an era where I’m actually more surprised to hear that two parents are still together than I am to hear that they are divorced.

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Crushes or “I’m tired of wondering what’s the type of toilet paper that you use”

When I develop a crush on some guy, I’m usually oblivious to it until I find myself thinking about him while I’m doing my homework, washing the dishes or when I’m trying to fall sleep. Everybody thinks that crushes are something cute because people blush when that special someone talks to them and sometimes they get nervous and feel all bubbly and happy on the inside and it’s just “adorable”.

To me, crushes are ANNOYING. It’s terrible when I spend 24/7 thinking about a certain person. I mean, I have to focus on more important stuff like how flies reproduce or if trees like it when people hug them, I cannot spend my time thinking about some pretty eyes and a nice smile!

Sometimes I’m not even doing stuff that’s supposed to remind me of my crush but I always find myself thinking “I wonder what’s the brand of toilet paper that my crush buys” or “Does he sleep in a fetal position with his arm under his pillow like I do?” “What does he eat for breakfast?” It’s ridiculous!

It’s like I want to know everything about him. I want to know the things that he likes and doesn’t like, I want to know the good and bad parts of him. I know I probably sound like a stalker but I promise I don’t hide in the bushes in front of his house to watch him leave for soccer practice at exactly 6.43pm. Pfff who does that?

Having a crush is such a hard job! We always overthink everything like “He smiled when I said ‘hi’. What does that mean? Was he trying to be nice? Was that a leave-me-alone type of reaction? Does he do that to everyone who greets him?” and that is exhausting!

One thing is certain with people we have crushes on: we all feel jealous when we see our crush talking with someone else. I don’t care if that girl is his cousin. I will always assume the worst! And in my head I always think about ways to kill that bitch. Back off from my man!

Oh well. Having a crush is hard.

Kisses,

The Red Queen