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Ah shit, here we go again.

[reminiscingstories]

Anxiety and The Trust Fall

So, this is a very spontaneous and unscripted post. Idk, I just felt like talking about how I have been feeling lately. This post contains some relatable but “stressful” content, so…just be prepared. If you know me well, you might know that I have suffered from anxiety for quite a while now. I won’t exaggerate or brag, but I have been academically sound ever since I was a kid. And now that I’m in the final year of school, my performance hasn’t been so great. I feel it’s not just me, but all the students have been going through this. I feel like no matter how much work I do, I am always stuck in the vicious loop of believing that I did nothing and I am a disappointment. But also, this is something expectations in general do to you, if you are good at something, people expect great work out of you. Now, idk if expectations are bad overall, but there’s no denying in the fact that they are pressurising. Also, in the short term, it feels good that I am being held as more promising (at least that’s how my cerebrum works haha) and it boosts ego, but in the long run, I feel they do cause anxiety which lasts very long. All of this has made me feel like I am an absolute disappointment and all of the people around me have made me feel very unloved and disappointed. Everything has been really stressful and my mental health hasn’t been in a great place at all. I feel scared to go around people, fearing judgement and criticism, and it is taking my performance downhill. The worst part is, something inside me constantly makes me feel that I deserve it. But, all of this has also made me realise that there is something very peaceful and liberating about knowing that nobody expects anything from you. Even if your work goes downhill, you are not stressed if you have the growth mindset. You do things for yourself more than for avoiding the criticism from others. You can fall, but you can get back up. This is something I call “The Trust Fall”. Basically it means trusting yourself completely, leaving everything in the hands of…yourself and not being scared about it for some time. If you are falling, fall as far as you can. But don’t stay there, trust yourself, work and get back up. It just feels good. Don’t unnecessarily compare yourself to others, everybody has something to offer to the world. I know this post might not make any sense, as it has no structure, script, planning….nothing. But then again, I just wanted to share my story here. I am ending this post with the most underrated optimistic lines…” It’s all going to be okay. Trust yourself. Stay Strong. “

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My Story of Silence

Have you ever felt like it’s all always you who is running around people to gain validation and your friends are taking advantage of the situation, but you don’t stand up for yourself just because you don’t want to lose them? Now I am guessing you’re old enough to know that this happens with everybody at some point. And it’s natural too, when something very dear to us is at stake, we abandon all rational thoughts and make some really poor decisions, in this case, not standing up for ourselves. All of this has happened to me too. When I was 13, I moved from my childhood place to a new city. So I joined my new school, which was a girls convent. Now, this is what I feel, kids find it comparatively easier to make friends than grown-ups or teens. So, I found it difficult to get the ball rolling. I was constantly bullied and teased for being from a different social community. I suffered from severe anxiety for a few years. But I still dealt with all of it silently and never spoke about all of it to anyone, thinking maybe that will help. But nope, I felt neglected and was scared that maybe I’d never fit in, and that’s when I realised the power of silence, this time, differently.A year into my life in the new city, I eventually started taking some time out for myself rather than running around people. My school had great gardens and scenic beauty, so I tried to sit at a place sometimes and be peaceful, and silence taught me this: Although it’s good to have friends around who support you and make you feel good. But in their absence, there’s no need to be restless or insecure. You are good enough and you can teach yourself a lot in silence. Something which a lot of us lack, is introspection and awareness of how we feel. Silence allowed me to practice both. This helped a lot in reducing my anxiety and making me feel more secure about myself.So here’s the sum-up: Having good friends is great, but their absence should not make you feel insecure. It might be difficult to avoid insecurities, but self-awareness, positive affirmations, introspection, and simply, just some me-time can help you out. Just prioritise what’s important to you, and learn to be comfortable in your own company.