rotting-sun

[rotting-sun]

I love when my gf is a bitch to other ppl. It’s hot like. Romantically hot. It makes me blush fr ngl 🫢🤭

[rotting-sun]

I used to think I craved understanding; “if someone could just understand me, know me, then maybe everything would be okay”, is what I thought. But now, being known, being increasingly, intimately understood, familiar, I hate it. It makes my skin crawl. There is nothing spontaneous and new and unpredictable about me to her. I am a book she has read front to back, a book she has annotated, highlighted, worn down. My cover is falling off and my pages are loose. She knows me. She really does. And it makes me feel nauseous.

[rotting-sun]

why do i force myself to not express what im feeling to not hurt others

i don’t want to hurt them, but it hurts me too

[rotting-sun]

you’ve been acting so weird and i’m so fucking scared

[rotting-sun]

ME WHEN I REALIZE MY WHOLE “BEING AFRAID EVERYONE IS JUST WAITING TO LEAVE ME” THING ISn’T JUST SMTH THt OCCURED CUX OF ShITTY FRIENDS AND MY OWN SILLY LITTLE HEAD BUT ALSO MY PARENTS??????????? Crazy work DIABOLICAL work ngl to u

Anywayyyyys #realizations!!!!!!!! So fun 😉

[rotting-sun]

My dad is listening to Heat Waves on repeat whilst screaming at a circular saw AND my mother all while multitasking and throwing things in the garage? He's just like me fr. Unfortunately.

I'm so anxious rn. I'm going to throw up. I can feel it wriggling snd writhing in my throat. I'm so dizzy with something that's probably fear, but maybe not (I don't want to admit that I'm afraid of my own father). Worse because I can recognize the facets of me that are facets of him, panels of my armor that I've copied from his own set. To be afraid of something that you yourself clutch and swallow and sink into. I can feel it pulsing behind my eyelids, this Feeling That Is Not Fear. It's making me nauseous. Anger and Anxiety and this Fearful thing in my ribcage, melt together in an ugly dance of toomuch and toobig, this disgusting splay of toolong limbs and malformed bodies. I try to breathe and calm the rapid beat of my heart, but it only gets worse and worse and worse. Calm down. Breathe. It doesn't matter what I do or say, my breath does not come in regular strokes, my heart is drumming in my ears, and I can feel whatever it is I haven't eaten coming up to coat my esophagus.

[rotting-sun]

sometimes I feel good and I begin to think and believe that I don't have BPD, I'm fine. I jinx myself. Every. Fucking. Time.

[rotting-sun]

really need to scream and cry while ripping everything apart rn!!!

[rotting-sun]

I want my gf to say nice things to me and be romantic :/// i feel like I’m not even her gf anymore like I’m just her friend. Like i don’t mean more than the other ppl she knows and is attached to. FUCK OMG I JUST WANT IT TO GO AWAY. I WANT TO BE REGULAR PLEASE. I can’t even tell if what I’m feeling is normal and smth i should tell her about or if it’s part of my fucked up brain not perceiving things in a real and normal way.

I feel my emotions in my throat. Flooding me and choking me and drowning me. I just want to die. I just want it to be over. I just want to be normal and shit. I just want to be loved and stuff. I want to FEEL like I’m loved and lovely and beautiful. My gf tells me I am but I don’t think she’s telling the truth. It never does. No matter what she says. Because I almost always have to ask first; ask if she thinks i’m pretty, beautiful, if she loves me, if im too much, if shes bored of me. Because she doesn’t TALK to me. She doesn’t flirt with me anymore. She’s not sweet with me. She’s sweeter with other ppl. Thats what it seems like anyways.

[rotting-sun]

please don't leave; when I think you're leaving my head gets fuzzy and the world caves in and my heart bursts and leaks into my legs and the rot overcomes me

[rotting-sun]

I'm such a burden to everyone who loves me. I wish I wasn't so mentally ill so they could love me right

[rotting-sun]

umm i need reassurance that my presence is wanted but i can’t ask for reassurance because that’s really Embarrassing and it wouldn’t feel genuine if i asked for it

[rotting-sun]

You're having a low day?

I fucking caused it, of course I did (there's zero proof of that), I fucking hate myself. You're not talking to me, I'm so annoying.

You don't seem interested right now, maybe you don't love me- but you DO Love me.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!

HAVING AN FP SUCKS, just fucking STOP. I JUST WANT TO RIP MY SKIN OFF

[rotting-sun]

If only normalcy was something I could reach. Instead I’m stuck with feelings that choke me. I’m stuck feeling things how they should not be felt. Apathy and toomanytoobigtoomuch should not be a viable mixture of ill inside of me. It should not work. Contradictions. Opposites.

I am gagging on my desire, my devotion, the loneliness of unreciprocated everything. My love is going to drown me and I fear that I am willingly inhaling it’s toomuchness even when I try not to.

I was okay with drowning when you were drowning with me.

[rotting-sun]

Genuine question here! How the fuck is it allowed for me to be happy for HOURS MERE HOURS and then immediately wanna kms again. Just cuz my fucking girlfriend (if she even actually fucking loves me anymore) responds like she couldn’t care less about anything I have to say. Dryest fucking responses on this godforsaken planet. FUCK it makes me want to end it all. How is THAT, her fucking ignoring me and being dry and uninterested, allowed to push me over the fucking edge. ITS NOT FAIR. I wish i could hate her. I wish i could bash her skull in. But i cant. Because i love her. Way too fucking much.

It’s worse cuz i genuinely have no fucking power of her at all. Ever. She doesnt even get fucking jealous. All i can do is break up w her and im not abt to do that. Cuz, again, i love her way too much. I can feel it wriggling around and rotting me from the inside out. Its hollowing me and i can do nothing but let it. Cuz im not abt to pull it out.

[rotting-sun]

My chest is tight. I feel like my girlfriend doesn’t love me like she used to. I was going through our old texts and she seemed so much more. Like. I was actually her gf. Like i was HERS and she was MINE. Now i just. Don’t know. She barely txts me. She barely talks to me. It talks to our friends more than it talks to me. It confides in them more, it seems. WhT am I meant to do with that? How am i supposed to fix that? How do i get her to love me like that again?

She’s always so dry when I text her. She says she likes when I do. But. I know she doesn’t like hurting my feelings. So. Is she actually telling the truth? It doesn’t feel like it. It never feels like she’s telling the truth.

I just want to FEEL like she loves me. Like I’m her person. Like I’m supposed to be.

It hurts.

[rotting-sun]

i hope he fucking rots. Im gonna find a way to overthrow him, strip him of his godhood, and cast him to hell and have him experience what it means to be human. Would it have been so hard to make me fucking balanced? I literally haven't been genuinely happy for months and I constantly think everyone else likes everyone better than me. How is that fair? Ive cried 3 days in a row for over 10 hours each day? I started shing again? I cant eat like a regular person. Everything makes me want to gag. I wNt to run away and never soeak to anyone i love ever again? Im fucked up. Genuinely. Worse. Why is it allowed to get worse. How tf am i supposed to stay alive if i cant find a will to live. I sat w a loaded gun in my hand the other night for hours contemplating kms. I pressed it to my temple and i felt relief. But i couldnt pull the fucking trigger. I wrote suicide notes. I wrote txt messages. Sometimes i get the urge to just go back down there and actually do it. Wtf is wrong w me. Why am i feeling like this again. I was fine for so long. Even my gf thinks im fucked. She no longers txts me like before. She doesnt tell me she loves me. What is rhat supposed to mean. She says shes not bored of me or disappointed but thats rlly not what shes making it feel like. Im always the first to txt. She doesnt propose hang outs anymore. Does she hate me? I dont understand. Genuinely i dont.