sakurastory

[sakurastory]

Maybe Love

I often wonder what it feels like to be in love,

Maybe when the solace in someone's voice is so much so that their words blur,

Maybe the smile that peaks on my face because I start to surrender my senses to their face,

Maybe when my hands linger a few inches above their skin forever scared of the touch that sends a million sparks through my body,

Maybe the laugh that echoes again and again like the loose tap of a bathroom,

Maybe asking for something that was only meant to bring them peace,

Maybe the feeling of thousands of needles through my heart upon seeing them slightly in pain,

Maybe when the warmth in silence with them feels like the comfort of the sun on the skin in winter,

Maybe when my happiness disappears into theirs like sea foam on the shore,

is that love?

[sakurastory]

I still think of you…

On the mornings when the sky is blue,

Or when I see something new. I still think of you.

Sometimes I see a post that makes me laugh,

Or when I go out and see a sunset to relax. I still think of you.

Somedays when I meet someone new,

And then they say something rude. I still think you.

When I find it hard to try and talk,

Or when I just want somebody on the other end of the call. I still think of you.

[sakurastory]

In my 20s

I was invited to a house party yesterday, and we had a discussion about how things suddenly become clear when you turn 30, whereas everything is a blur in your 20s; some say it's because your frontal lobe fully develops, and others simply argue that you've experienced so much by the time you're 30 that you begin to feel the need to get your shit together. I turned 21 last year and am really confused about my life; I am not like the folks around me in their twenties.

After careful study, I discovered that most people in their twenties fall into two categories: those who are workaholics and are waiting to settle in life before having their peak fun, and those who are exploiting their enthusiasm to the fullest with social events and casual dating. One thing I've learned is that being in one of these groups does not guarantee your success in life; it all relies on how you make things work for you.

Coming back to the 20s is a blur, and I completely agree with that. Some people blur their youth with substance, while others deal with work stress; no one knows what will happen next; even those who have plans are unsure of where they will end up; it's like walking a road without knowing how far or what your destination is, but you do it because it's better than standing around trying to figure out the way especially when people around you are not stopping.

It might be a high high or a low low. Being young and a college student in this generation seems harder than an earning adult; you must work hard but also go out to establish contacts, not post too much or too little information about yourself online, and perform whatever menial job you can to gain experience, with no guarantee that it will all pay off.

But this is my perspective untill I turn 30.

[sakurastory]

Cup Of Tea

I used to think black tea was reserved for snobbish people. Every time someone brought me a cup of it with a long explanation of its magnificence and aroma, I took a sip and it was tasteless to me. I used to solely drink chai since I enjoy a little slap of spice, but now I enjoy any tea.

When I first moved to Paris from India, I spent much of my time wondering if I was doing the right thing and longing for home, but Paris has gradually grown on me like tea. I know it seems like a snob complaining about not being able to appreciate Paris from the moment you arrive but believe me, the grandeur is only towards the center of the city, where one meal costs me a week's worth of food.

This city is magical in more ways than just the glittering Eiffel Tower; it has stories, irony, art, and history. This city seized my phone, which included one of my most valuable Polaroids, but it also provided me with numerous valuable experiences. I feel like I can handle anything; I'm more mature, less dependent, and much more confident in carrying my genuine self around. I'm drinking a lot more coffee to see if I will grow to appreciate it. I give things time and patience so they can grow on me and help me figure out how to enjoy them.

Chai is not difficult to prepare; it's only the number of components that scare people away, but you simply combine a handful of spices (cardamom, cinnamon, ginger, cloves) and tea leaves, boil it, and then add milk and sugar to boil it again, and you're done. However, for black tea, the water should be hot enough to boil, and the tea bag should be immersed in the water for no more than three minutes, or else it will taste like shit. which one is better is for the ones who make and drink it to decide. Also, this is not about tea. 

[sakurastory]

Faded

I haven't done much since I was a child. I don't think I've ever felt completely passionate about anything. In school, I never liked studying, yet scoring lower was viewed as a failure by society, even though there was no reward for being very strong in academics. I had a tuitor with whom I was obliged to study, so I did. The one thing I enjoyed back then was being a member of my school band, and while I wasn't very good at singing, I always found myself there, largely because going there meant not doing anything. I enjoyed discussing with my friends about politics that were different from what we were taught in school, just laughing and endlessly practicing some family-friendly pop and rock songs.

Growing up, my parents often ignored whatever I wanted to accomplish. They were just concerned about academics, which I did fairly well in. As time passed, I grew to despise them for not enrolling me in singing, drawing, or dance classes, all of which I could have excelled at if I had perused professionally. Finally, I had to find and plead to not pursue academics in college, but now that I am studying fashion, which was my dream after failing to become a singer, dancer, or artist.

To compensate for their lack of interest in my enthusiasm, my parents have given me everything. I have a Mac, an iPad, and a nice phone, but I rarely use them for business and instead waste my time. Every day, I tell myself that I'll accomplish everything tomorrow, but tomorrow never comes, forcing me to give in crappy work. Everything around me seems to be moving at breakneck speed, yet I am frozen as if someone has cast a spell on me that makes even lifting my hand difficult.

and as time passes, I feel as though I am fading away.

[sakurastory]

Dreams?

Every time I want to spend more money on a project or for fun, I see my parents stifle their ambition. I received a MacBook Pro before leaving for college; it was my father's; he enjoys spoiling himself with Apple products, but he saw that I needed it. He didn't think twice before giving it to me.

My parents aren't the only ones who make significant sacrifices; my sister also does. She has this habit of seeing attractive things for herself and buying them for me, wearing them till she encounters me, and then giving them to me without hesitation. It upsets me that she thinks she does not deserve to indulge in shopping with the money she earned but somehow feels I deserve it.

I sit in my room more often than I realize, feeling extremely sorry for the joys and dreams that my parents and sister sacrificed to allow me to accomplish exactly what I want. I try to work hard and remain motivated, but it's a lie. People back home think I'm doing well and will be very successful since I got to do what I wanted, the way I wanted, and so I need to be successful.

Most of the time, I'm not sure if the road I boldly chose for myself is the one I want to follow. Although we started at the same moment, many around me were already far ahead of me. Sometimes I attempt to see whether there is any spiritual value in obtaining the things that are drilled into me as success. I don't even remember what my dream was, why I selected this route, or why I'm still here.

So I sit here, venting anonymously online, while my parents, sister, extended family, and dogs are expecting something great of me.

[sakurastory]

Affirmations

Life has ways of making me feel lonely but whenever I thought, there wouldn't be anyone by my side. I have found more support than I imagined. I recently had an incident where two girls shouted at me, which I thought was behind me since I am an adult and so is everyone around me. Suddenly, my mind was dragged back to when I was in high school, I got the same feeling of guilt, the feeling that made me doubt my existence and want to disappear. I wanted to say something back but my heart was hurt and my mind numb.

For full transparency, earlier that day I had asked them, not to talk to me anymore since they had problems with the people closest to me, I told them I felt uncomfortable holding conversations with them and pretending everything was fine. I did this in a way only the two of them could hear and yet I was yelled at in public in front of the cafeteria.

Nobody said anything to them because everyone wanted to avoid the drama that didn't concern them but I felt like had no one. It might seem unreasonable but the fact is that my high school trauma played a huge role by resurfacing and dragging me to the same place it took 3 years to get out of. I couldn't get up once I got back home, I cried until I could handle it and then called one of my best friends. Sometimes we are smart enough to know that we are not in wrong but need affirmation from someone close because minds love to play games with us. I skipped the classes the next day and went for the gig I had because money is more important than mental health when you are a college student.

Now this from where the story starts to become positive. I met someone whom I had bumped into in a few other gigs and they saw my face and asked me genuinely if I was fine and if wanted someone to hear me out. My heart felt less heavy, I realized that there might be people who take great pleasure in making people feel terrible but there are also those who have a heart of gold. It was a small gesture but at that time it meant a lot to me. The fact that someone who barely even knows me was willing to take time from their happy hours to comfort me, made me realize that people do indeed care.

As the day went on, things got better. While I was feeling terrible one of my friends who witnessed this, told the people close to me what had happened, and by the end of the day, I had my friends calling me and supporting me when I felt nobody would care just like high school. It's absolutely insane how such a small silly thing can impact me so much. I don't think this entire piece I am writing is heavy but it meant a lot to me and to anybody reading this, I hope the little good gestures that you receive make you feel more grateful.

[sakurastory]

First Love

There is absolutely no age assigned to feel lost, sometimes you want to wake up in oblivion. You want to disappear, no text from loved ones, no note for school for missing the class, and just nothing in the world affect you. Whenever I want and wanted to disappear I would watch anime, it use to pull me into another universe and by the end of the movie or episode I was also being pushed back to reality and that's why I loved watching anime.

Everything that I am and I have learned is 90% from anime, my values, beliefs even language to some extent. The only time I wanted to read was when I needed to understand Japanese. Imagine you waking up completely tired and miserable and then walking through a door where everything is irrational and majestic, sitting all day in that world, and then being motivated by your beloved character to fight your demons.

I always thought I understood the adults when I was young (which is something I mention often), they use to say never lose the child inside you and trust me there is a reason they stressed it so profoundly. I remember when I was at my lowest, I had stopped watching anime for a long time, like 2 years maybe, I was still very young at that time but I was losing the touch of childhood, as a teenager I was obsessed with growing up and for some stupid reason, I thought I should just stop everything that I did when I was younger. So I stopped watching anime.

My love for anime was introduced to me by a horrible boy who has contributed to a very huge trauma in my life but one thing that I am grateful for that came from him was Anime. Coming back to when I was a teenager and decided to start watching anime again, I felt like I was innocent and free again, it was like a truck of nostalgia hit me, like your mother's cooked meal when you are sick. It took me a long time to navigate my path to things that make me happy and my first love will always be anime.

The point of me sharing this is because I find myself growing up too fast, thinking about my career, love life, and whatnot but among all, there are a few things that take me back and remind me to treat my inner child kindly. So if you have made it to the end of this blog, watch the most nostalgic movie and treat yourself kindly.

P.S- after anime, it was K-pop and K-drama and boy let me tell you, the second time I fell harder.

[sakurastory]

Infiltrated Relations

storytime.

My sister recently split up with her boyfriend; throughout their relationship, I told her several times that she would either marry him or they would have a very tragic ending. I suppose it was always intended to be the latter.

None of my sister's boyfriends ever gave me a positive feeling, except for one with whom she could never fall in love. Leaving that aside, her recent ex, let's call him Atlas, was undoubtedly someone special not only for her but also for me; he forced his way into my heart. Ever since they started dating, I knew this Atlas boy was a bad decision, not because he was a bad person, but because he had a lot of financial and family issues. Seeing my sister fall deeper for this guy scared me because it could not possibly lead to a good future.

Despite my cold shoulder and endless adult explanations to my sister, she continued to fall deeper for the guy. I had resisted meeting and supporting him for a long time, but I could see how happy he made my sister, and that was how they both brought a new point of view to each other; there was growth in their personalities, and I had no idea when I began to care for this Atlas guy like my own brother.

In the past, one of my sister's boyfriends got me drunk simply to ask about her love life, and Atlas volunteered to pay for my school trip despite not having enough money to spare so that I might have a pleasant time. This person's heart was so good that he forcefully made a place for himself; I saw him as a family member, and just when I thought I couldn't be linked to this human anymore, I met Atlas's mother; she ran a company in the field I was interested in, and I began to talk to her and joined her at work after my college classes. She immediately became my favourite woman, and she taught me crucial concepts, in both work and life. She was like the mother I never had.

There was a time when my sister and her beloved Atlas went on a trip and they returned the day I was working with Atlas's mum, we all sat in the evening looking at pictures and talking over a cup of tea, and I felt at home. I'm sure I never felt that way in my house, and the icing on top was their dog, who was the cutest bulldog I'd ever encountered. Atlas's family had many challenges, but they never allowed them to consume their lives; they never complained or impaired their ability to have fun. They showed me and my sister a sophisticated and open-minded environment. Nobody knew how much effort lay behind their grin, but they were the type of individuals who could bring about moments of joy in the middle of suffering.

Atlas and his family were bound to find a home in my heart; I never imagined that someone could infiltrate the circle of people I refer to as my family simply by existing. Now that my sister and Atlas are no longer together, I feel like I've lost the big brother I never had. It's ridiculous to cry over my sister's breakup, and I've never done so before, but this time it was worth it.

[sakurastory]

Solo Comfort

There is peace within us, we all reach it at a certain part of our journey where we can be comfortable with ourselves without being anxious after staying alone for a few days. The best thing that happened to me after coming to Paris was when I was finally not sad or just feeling negative anymore in my matchbox-sized room. this realization made me more than happy, I felt warm and satisfied.

In a world where everyone around me is trying to get their hands on luxury products from thrift shops and faking a great life for Instagram. I am pacing down, cooking for myself, taking care of myself, and making this box home. Sometimes it's scary how comfortably alone I am that it makes me think I might say yes to an arranged marriage because there is absolutely no effort to find a partner from my side.

It is good to know that no matter how many people carry their Dior saddle bags to school, I am not interested in looking fashionable but in making fashion and earning enough to buy it for myself someday. Exploring Paris also made me explore my soul, I realized I wanted better in life and stopped smoking. Decided that I will buy little things that make me happy and do the things that calm me.

so if you have reached here, please do something that makes you happy today. Watch a Ghibli movie or paint your nails, take yourself out for dinner, paint, read, or just take a walk, just anything to bring you calm.

[sakurastory]

Real Delusion

Jokes, that's how grown-ups like to talk by casually dropping a very big reality bomb followed by a burst of laughter and "grow up and you will know". I always wonder how great it would be if somebody took the time to explain how serious growing up is.

One day I was being taken care of and the very same day on a different continent I had to fend for myself. Nobody, absolutely nobody tells you when you grow up, it's not when you are older but when you start doing all of your shit on your own. There is no age for maturity, I know way too many people in their late twenties and early thirties who need to grow up.

I use to fantasize about growing up but being independent was more like a truck hitting reality than a fantasy. Worrying about deadlines and internships, when you realize how hard it is to put food on the table for yourself let alone for an entire family, the respect for your parents (if you had good parents) increases a lot. It's like you suddenly start seeing their sacrifices way more.

All the times I thought life would be good if I was responsible for myself come down crashing now, once you leave your house, you no longer are a kid, and every time you fail at taking care of yourself it's like proving that you don't deserve to be independent which is a way too big ego boost for my parents. So what do I do, I pull through crying and suffering alone. There is absolutely no chance to not get my shit together here, when I did not wear a sweater back in my country and my mother would scold me, I did not care because I didn't realize that she was taking care of me, she would pay my medical bills and that she would bring me food. Now when I am back home, I will wear two sweaters when she asks me to wear one.

When people said there is nothing like family, I could not relate to that because of all the messed up fights with each member of my family but now when sister is the only person to send me money when I don't have any. When my father talks to a doctor because he knew by looking at me on a video call that I was not well, it hit me nobody is going to help you, or better nobody is going to help you but your family.

[sakurastory]

Love or Fear?

why do we chase love?

ever since I have gained the capability of having a romantic relationship, it has been expected of me and my peers to go on this hunt to find someone who is our better half and the one you can grow old with, which continues until you marry or commit to one person forever.

but what if I don't want that?

I am expected to jump from lovers to lovers to find that special someone who completes me and though this concept in today's world has a very different approach, its essence has never really changed. Okay, I made it sound very confusing to let me attempt to explain.

Our concept of love and lover has changed from finding the better half to someone who makes us a better version of ourselves. The whole self-love movement that I should be complete with or without a lover but how true it is really? people don't say it but if you are single, young, and available the first thing they want you to do is to explore tinder, hinge, or bumble. There is a tone of discomfort within people's tone if you ever try to explain that you chose to be alone but not lonely, often people think of it as a cover story for being too insecure to date, being broken or self-centered.

Is the thought of being alone and not having intimacy with someone special for your entire life really so sad, does that mean I am sad. I will admit I get bored alone but I am never lonely. Others think that the people who are too young to decide whether they want to end up alone are told endless things but for me personally, they don't understand that if so there comes a person who makes me fall in love with them I will not resist, however I don't think of a partner when I think about having to raise my kids and growing old. I find an unimaginable comfort in being alone.

I feel that no matter how normally people talk about being fine in ones own company they just fear the thought of ending up alone. Having to stay in a house with no one to share it with, to eat dinner alone , not have someone to discuss our thoughts with while taking a walk in the evening or go to bed alone sounds terrifying and sad to people but I actually find that tranquil, to sip my coffee while listening to jazz music, taking a walk alone, to admire the whole around me, to go to bed with my pet dog or to live in a cozy house build from my hard-earned money is a beautiful image.

if you are reading this, ask yourself do you fear not being loved by special someone or do you want someone to love you the way you don’t love yourself?

[sakurastory]

A little blue

Today I feel a lot of things,

sometimes you wake up and suddenly understand the very things you brushed off when you were young and innocent. Today is that day for me. growing up I was always told how I would love coming back home once I am away, how I would miss the flavor and love that is in the home-cooked food, how I will miss being scolded by my parents and being annoyed by my siblings.

I had so much to do on my to-do list for when I am independent and alone, but recently I spend most of my time jotting down things to do when I will be back home, I never knew being away will make me realize how many things I wanted to do where I had spent my whole life. I have learned that I pick up my parents and sister's calls much faster than my friends. I didn't even know that I would have the capacity to miss and cry to go back home. I wish for one more meal with family before I left, I more day with both of my grandma, one more day with my friends, and one long final hug to my dogs.

All my life I have wished to be away from home and now I wish to do something great for people back home. This thanksgiving I want to thank my father for putting his dreams on hold to send me to study here, I want to thank my mom for having the courage to let her younger daughter pursue her dreams, I want to thank my big sister for all the care she offered and I want to thank my friends for making everything ten times better than it already was.

I have shed more tears here than I would have ever imagined and 99% of the time it was for missing home. I am not the detached cold-hearted daughter that I thought I was, I am rooted too much to my culture that my land fuels my life, and my family values my soul so, I will not waste coming out here, I will learn everything I can and then give it 10 folds back to my country and people.

[sakurastory]

Stressed? or Stressed.

Age and experience keep adding on as life goes on, what we were never told was that so does work. I remember studying on the veranda of my house in winter under the warmth of sunlight where my mum's eyes would count the turn of the pages to make sure I was studying from across the table, my mother use to tell "study hard these are the tough days once you are out of school with good grades that is when you would not have to work so hard."

Now, I miss my station while wondering in the metro what else is due, I feed myself once a day to not pass out between work and sleep for more than three hours excites me. WEEKENDS, what a lovely thing it use to be back in the day, now it's a morbid reminder of tomorrow's work and more workload.

Life was good when we were young, time flies and before we know it holidays are not nearly as warm and lovely to think about with 7 due assignments on the first day after the holidays.

Miles away from family makes me grateful for the time I would get scolded for not wearing a jacket in winter before running out of the house to meet my friend, now I look forward to staying inside for as long as I can. Bedtime used to be a nightmare; now it's a sin to think about.

To all the young people in their twenties reading this, happy holidays and wish you would remind yourself every once in while that you are not alone and from that, I know neither am I.

[sakurastory]

Strange People

Being home, back in my motherland always made me see people that I would resonate with, the people who would be willing to teach and be taught, people who understood the essence of being a human and the ability to learn the unknown or the wrong perceived.

The love my people had for me and the hunger to be the first to help never made me feel lonely. Here, there are subtle taunts seasoned with sweet language to make me realize that I am not smart, that what I know is wrong without even trying to find proof. I use to trust the words of experience but now my fingers dwell through the internet to trust the reckless minds I am surrounded with.

People I know here, their eyes don't swell with tears when they see art, they are not curious why famous and strong are considered so. They don't understand why the Eiffel tower is history. Am I lost? or am I a pessimist? one thing that I know definitely is that here, I am alone living with strange people.

[sakurastory]

I packed my bags and left, my mother cried thrice and I still don’t know why? Did I really have to come this far to follow my dreams? Will I be able to put all that money worth knowledge into a career?

Sitting in a plane waiting for it to land I still feel like I will end up in a country that is my home, maybe it will become my home but still, it’s hard for me to believe I had the courage to do what my heart said.

[sakurastory]

If my memories were blurred,

You would still be the vivid colour of the scenery.