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I used to be funny—oh wait I used to be waking up early in the morning just so I can meet and talk to the people I love eagerly. I used to have a proper meal; breakfast with egg and toast, lunch usually with chicken salad, and dinner with anything I want. I used to do a carpool karaoke with my friends and drive around the city. I used to write a fanfiction and keep myself busy arraging the plot. I used to read my favorite books by 5 in the afternoon laying on my balcony. I used to go to the concert to jump and scream my favorite songs with my heart out. I used to be happy. I used to be happy that there are not only voices in my head I listen to. I didn't used to be anything but a normal girl with big dreams. Now, I still am a normal girl whose dream is only to live happily, not left with my own thoughts drowning and thinking how I can manage to swim the ocean.

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mom im sorry i cried at night over a boy I haven't even met yet. it was almost two years ago we didn't talk anymore ma but when you talk about love, i think about him. mom, im sorry i hold my breath not to sound too crazy crying in the middle of the night over the idea of love. love confuses me mom. could you please teach me about it? are you fluent in it? or love confuses you too? mom im sorry the midnight makes me think about you too. your tragical story about love. mom, is love really this confusing? am i gonna be okay?

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I want to be the brightest star. No, not that because I want to escape this place. But, because I want to be the light to people around me, to people who shows me the world and to people who have seen my flaw and still stay. I want to be the star.

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hello i love you even if the birds doesn't fly freely and the wind isn't there to blow the tree and the star is not shining tonight and the sun is so far to come and the sea is just as quite as the moment you and i stop talking, forgetting how to love. i love you even i know you're only a place i once visit. but tonight, let me stay. let me smell the scent of your tenderness a little longer. days ahead without us being together would be a little harsh. but love, this is just who we are. to love is also to die.

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the stars aren't there tonight. so my days have been nothing compared to those golden days with the stars all above the nighttime sky.

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it is your month, August. you're still my muse. it's hardly possible not to think about you when something splendid happens to me. it also has always been you that cross my mind when i am down on my knees.

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"You will pass this, you will forget about him."

"Forget about him, you need to move on."

"You'll forget it all eventually."

Everyone must have been filled with all these conversations after a breakup. They convey a message that in order to move on, one should forget. And I beg to differ. One can move on while still remember.

Moving on can get along with still remembering. And for to me, forgetting is a big word. You will never be able to forget someone if they do take a great part of your life. So, if you success to forget somebody or still trying to forget, ask this to yourself; was what you have isn't meaningful?

Somebody has taken a part of your life, and so many things you have done together. A part of you now wouldn't be whole without their contribution; either bad or good. If you do have love on somebody in the past, it doesn't deserve to be forgotten. Embrace the past. Accept it. That is what sit right with me when talking about moving on.

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The morning always wait, while the midnight left.

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oh it's fascinating December. But I somehow still remember about May, those happy days on May.

I was at a Library. I picked two books; The Davinci Code and Sejarah Dunia yang Disembunyikan. I got excited, picked a seat, and settle. My seat was look on to the woods from above, I barely can't see any building from here. Then the sun was there too, shining through the big wide window as the fence in front of me.

I still remember the details. As I opened the book and smiled because can't handle how happy I was, he messaged me, "hey, hows your day, little bean?", and it added to my happiness. I was so happy and relieved he finally said it for he didn't ask the question lately. And not to mention, I always do love a nickname, "little bean" made my heart do the little dance on the inside.

That day I couldn't stop smiling. Even though theres a glass separating me from feeling the breeze, I still managed to feel it.

And then I took a picture and told him that I was reading books. And I wondered too hows his days, not because I was curious but because I cared, really. Then I asked.

We talked a lot that time.

That time we didn't have clue that it ended on June. That time we thought we were gonna make it through. That time i believed forever would wait for us. Now that time is just a memory. But it did really happend, once on May.

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i love looking at the sky in the morning

the sky in afternoon

the sky in the evening

even if the sky is already in the dark

i love it

they remind me of my dreams

the dreams that seem to be too far away

but somehow that dreams define me

of the girl i really am

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maybe the only real part of me can be seen through my writing (even though it sucks; i'm still working on it), because all this life, today, i feel like i haven't quite understood which part of me is real.

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failure is a part of process too.

you feel like you need to get your things together back in places, to clean up the mess. and you pretty much did that. but it does not stop there. you've got to take every steps, even though sometimes the road is bumpy as hell. or you aren't sure which way to go to get there. trust the process they said. they don't remind you that failure is a part of it too. and for that, i'll remind you that you don't have to stop. failure is okay. it is still the process. you're in and you'll get there.

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im not trying to scare you or anything but it's true; some part of me are cold hearted and a bit too bitter.

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i thought healing was easier. but it turns out much more harder. one day i'm okay, i start to question is it real or not. one day i meet someone i like, i start distract myself to not get them involved. one day i found myself sad, i tell myself some days like this are normal. one day i'm happy, i doubt if it is really what i feel.

healing is a hell of a ride. healing can be a bumpy ass road or even worse the boulevard. and that's why it is important to remind myself that i will never get to be fully healed because to heal is simply just to feel better.

i hope you understand that too.

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Women's Army

To all the women and young girls out there,

I want you to know that it is alright if sometimes you are alone or even worse feeling lonely when all your friends and family prefer to spend time not with you.

I want you to know that it is okay to feel vulnerable like nobody understands you. Like it takes you everything to keep that smile on your face. Like it makes you almost dying just to get dress and continue life.

I want you to know that it is fine to get confused to pick what you want. To pick foods, to pick outfits, to pick colors, to pick personality, to pick and choose what you want in life.

I want you to know that it is okay if you feel scared sometimes. You're scared not being heard, scared to blame, scared to do what you love, scared to be confident, scared to get ignored, scared just to be yourself.

BUT LADIES, I ALSO WANT YOU TO KEEP IN MIND THAT

YOU ARE NOT ALONE. We're in this together. I will be the first person to prove it to you.

YOU ARE NOT WEAK. You are strong more than anybody could describe the definition of strong itself. I'm sure you're more than what you look on the outside.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT. ACT LIKE IT. You know exactly what makes you happy. You know what you want to do. You have passion. You have purpose. It is in you.

YOU ARE BRAVE. You have voice. You're brave to speak. You're brave to stand on your own feet. You're brave to say no. You're brave to be different. You are brave to show your true self.

Pass it on to your daughters, girlfriends, moms, grandmas that they are matter. that you are matter.

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The Star Stabbed My Back

Human: Please don't return to sky tonight. Please?

The star: I'm here with you. I don't wanna go back to where I belong.

*several months of being together*

Human: Where are you? Why are you fading away?

The star: I am not fading away. I was never there. I am still as far from the beginning. Don't you realize that?