searchertrieshisbest

[searchertrieshisbest]

[searchertrieshisbest]

I looked up at the stars, a cigarette smoking in my fingers, and I realized that these are the moments I'm alive for.

[searchertrieshisbest]

Leila Chatti, from “Tea”

[searchertrieshisbest]

Groveling and barking at your feet knowing that you love dogs

Everyone loves dogs.

Everyone doesn't love people

Why would you ?

Crying and whining like a mutt with words only a person could use.

Skin that's uncovered by fur,

Teeth dulled by a millennia of diet,

Eyes that are too aware and a brain that's too awake.

Why pity a human who can't even learn to be nice to itself.

A dog covered in mange and fleas was abused

a boy who desperately wishes he had the courage to cover himself in blood and gore doesn't deserve that compassion from another conscious soul

He already feels enough shame, doesn't he?

[searchertrieshisbest]

Czeslaw Milosz, New and Collected Poems: 1931-2001

[searchertrieshisbest]

I don't know how I'll ever have the ability to trust myself again. To trust others again. To fully trust their words. The anxiety eats away at me almost as if I've swallowed acid. It takes days to eat away at my organs but the second I discover a new one is missing the ache returns. I start to think the acid has left my system and then it hits me again with another piece of my gut missing. I am so scared to befriend people. So scared to hang out because I constantly feel like everything is about to fall apart like it did before. It was all my fault. It is all my fault. But I can't trust myself again. And probably never will because I refuse to hurt people again. I might be hurting people now even. I have no confirmation that I'm not.

[searchertrieshisbest]

Trying Hibiscus Tea for the first time.

I like to think I am like hibiscus tea,

Something sweet yet tangy.

Though in truth that is what I'll never be.

For inside I'm rather monstrous and mangy.

I can try and be colorful,

A sweet timid red.

I am the red that calls a bull.

Fucking people up in their heads.

Hibiscus tea stains.

A brilliant colour full of life and vigor

Leaving good memories instead of pain

Though my stain is the stench of liquor.

I convince myself I am like hibiscus tea

Because I am, I am like hibiscus tea.

I swear I believe it, I am like hibiscus tea.

Something sweet yet tangy.

Not something like me.

[searchertrieshisbest]

A Sliver of Starlight

Small glittering stars trace

His face,

A silence which suffocates

Those involved,

Words spill but the light,

Always lingers.

Stepping in the salty sea,

A cool rush envelopes.

Suddenly drowning, forgetting

How I ever once swam in this,

'Pool of twilight.'

Where does the water even flow?

It's refreshing, yes

With its flowers the shade

Of a vanilla bean.

But the waves push back

Or is it in truth the man,

The man standing in the sea,

Who fails to call out?

[searchertrieshisbest]

"As Mad as a Hatter"

"You chose this"

"Deal with the consequences"

Making a man out to be mad,

Crazy even.

All he wished was to process beaver pelt.

Make gorgeous creations for upper class.

Though the passion poisons.

A man expressing his inner self,

"Is a form of self harm."

Yes. It was completely his choice,

to make society this way.

[searchertrieshisbest]

Morning dew gone by midday,

Cut from the grass with a Scythe,

Dripping to the soil,

Never to be seen again in this life.

Do you remember it?

Seeing it and forgetting it with time?

Forgetting how you felt is a crime.

[searchertrieshisbest]

"Often in love but never lovers"

I am often in love.

Often fantasizing.

About partners of all kinds.

About kissing and touching

All sorts of people.

Friends, colleagues, strangers,

Smitten with the idea,

But never striking the right spot

with my axe.

The wood doesn't want

To chop nor split.

Never wanting to be stacked.

Never wanting to be used.

To move forward is a question.

And for now it constantly answers no.

[searchertrieshisbest]

Here we are in the future,

With shadows looming, filled with gloom.

With no parent to nurture,

Killing time and my thoughts.

Here we are in the present,

Nothings changed from the past

I still am completely spent.

There's nothing I can do,

I have no right.

I can't even do stuff in spite

Back in the past,

I was only but a kid, scared and alone

And my opinions were bypassed

My feelings don't matter anymore

[searchertrieshisbest]

Do it for them.

Do it for them.

If not for yourself,

For them.

Constantly

Continuously

Shove what you

Want down.

It doesn't truly

Even matter

There's no

Point in a fight

But now.

You try and want

You try and be

Productive

But you do it

For them.

Not for you.

Nothing gets

Done,

For days

Weeks

You fall behind

Because

You do it for them

You don't matter

You falling behind?

Doesn't matter

Since it's true,

For you

Don't matter

Compared to

Them.

[searchertrieshisbest]

A Hidden Beast

There once was a creature

That no one ever adored.

It’d only hide behind trees

And never even roared.

It used to try to greet them,

But everyone always would run.

So it stuck to the shadows,

Stuck to the fact of shun.

It was the hidebehind,

A mythical and legendary beast

But it was scared now

He wished the stories ceased.

Time passed yet the tale continues

Why wouldn't they forget?

So it could live a solitary life,

Or at least not be seen as a threat.

For now, it watched them all.

With a semi- content smile

And crooked fingers he stretched,

For it was known for such guile.

He once was actually a man

Whom everyone ignored.

And when guests came over,

He was hid under the floorboard.

Soon kicked out from home,

Thought of always as an ugly pest.

So the forest he had kept to,

Not once thought he was repressed.

Soon he began to blend in,

The trees held him under their wings

And that's where he still was.

Made into a cryptid but okay with things.

[searchertrieshisbest]

‘Reach for the Stars’

Only when one tries to capture the sun,

And pull back your hands to find them empty.

Is when they realize that the true way to live,

And the true way to belong is to be content,

With the world we have.

Though is that even true?

When Daedalus’s son flew to the sun,

The wax melted off of his wings.

And if he had not reached for the stars,

Or grabbed for anything,

The feathers would dampen,

And in the end, he would still drown.

Where is the balance?

Between greed and indifferent.

Sure the sun is too much to wish for.

But a man is told to reach for the stars?

Aren't they even farther?

Isn't that even more greed?

A desperate need to have even

More stars than the next person?

So where is the limit?

Can I reach for the moon,

Without burning my hands?

Where should I be content

To be deemed as normal?

[searchertrieshisbest]

An Ode to the Monsters

Creatures who roam in the dark,

Who don't mind being unseen.

They truly, compared to us, are stark.

Their senses are supernatural and keen,

Some are evil while others are anything but.

Creatures hidden in caves full of citrine.

Creeping under your bed while your window is shut.

It may sound scary but they know their place.

Their job is to be terrifying, their job won't be cut.

Never needing to work to keep their space.

I am jealous of all of these things.

They never need to walk with any grace.

Their existence pulls at my heartstrings,

To be always on the outside looking in.

What a thing to be, flying on your own wings.

Their existence is always seen as a sin.

Isn’t that completely contradictory?

Is an ode to an ‘evil’ ‘bad’ thing not a win?

Though I admire them, it's a small victory,

To have no pressure to be ahead.

Their lives are allowed to be a mystery.

They are eerily artful yet fill you with dread.

Silky and ink black curtains,

Who only hide folded beneath your bed.

[searchertrieshisbest]

Hell

(A Ghazal)

What really even is the idea of hell?

“Where bad people go, that's hell.”

But do I have to go just for being me?

Should every outlier be banished to hell?

An artsiest, a gay man, a minority,

Should they all have to go to hell?

What did they do wrong, if anything?

In truth, why do they even have to go to hell?

I don't believe in the place, and if it exists,

It's a stupid concept, the idea of hell.

A petty mistake is nothing compared to killing.

But both are ways to be sent to hell?

A small crime can't get the same punishment.

It's not how things should work for hell.

And instances like murdering Hitler?

Would I be sent straight to the depths of hell?

A sin committed, but in the context it's good.

Why am I given dysphoria that if,

I don't appease I'll feel like hell?

Why would ‘god’ give me that challenge?

Be mentally unstable or be trans and go to hell.

“It challenges you” “you're a strong warrior.”

I'd rather be happy here than out of hell.

I'd rather savor my time on earth, being a man

Then regret it all in ‘heaven’ where I go is hell

And that's okay. Because I'm happy now.

Everything is confusing, where are the rules of hell?

Everyone I know has different opinions.

Where is the line crossed, for going to hell?

I'm glad I don't believe in such a place,

But if I did, being happy is worth being sent to hell.