secret-cryptid - Tumblr blog

[secret-cryptid]

All my mental illnesses looking at the mess they created

I got a whole lot of mental illness hangin out inside me

[secret-cryptid]

To all the transmasc baddies out there who get dysphoria from your period!

This is your reminder that when you’re on your period is when your testosterone levels are the highest, and therefore you’re more similar to a cis man than any other time of the month. Love you, keep slaying!

[secret-cryptid]

It’s because of all the white men, isn’t it?

Just learned about history. Appalled

[secret-cryptid]

Who was gonna tell me Goldie had bars?

yeah I have back pain. and yeah. yeah I like birds. and music.

I'm gonna write a song watch this

I don't have sex

because it's scary

the lobster from spongebob

he is larry

[secret-cryptid]

Help, my gender got lost in the sauce

Craft a Unit of Nonbinary Sauce.

[secret-cryptid]

[secret-cryptid]

I sat through ten minutes of a ukulele tainting apology that could’ve been boiled down to “Despite the heaps of evidence, I didn’t do anything I’ve been accused of and all of this backlash is really hurting my feelings”

How do I give her a rating below zero?

Someone uploaded the Colleen Ballinger on Album of the Year so people could rate it 0 out of a 100, making it the worst single of the year.

[secret-cryptid]

I met the singer of my favorite band and he said my name was cool. I haven’t felt that much euphoria since and I doubt I ever will

when people say "I like your name" hehe thank you I made it

[secret-cryptid]

just-shower-poetry

Once you bidet your ass, you can’t go back to the past

[secret-cryptid]

no, it’s a myth made up by christians to shame women

is sex real

[secret-cryptid]

On one hand, this is the most motivated I’ve been to clean the dirty dishes out of my room

On the other hand, do I really want a fish to be the reason my room gets cleaned?

GET YOUR DIRTY DISHES OUT OF YOUR ROOM I SEE THOSE MUGS YOU GOT FOOD WRAPPERS AND STUFF ON YOUR DESK i swear

CLEAN YOUR DESK THAT IS YOUR MOST POWERFUL SPACE

only if you want to though I have no power over you

BUT IF YOU DO CLEAN YOUR SPACE YOU WILL FEEL A LOT BETTER SO IF YOU CAN PLEASE DO IT OK GOODBYE

[secret-cryptid]

One time when I was six my sister handed me our mom’s phone to take a picture of our cat and when she saw me position the phone vertically she yelled at me and said I was stupid for five minutes and I think that’s where my anxiety started

For a while everyone on the internet used to ROAST people who didn’t record in horizontal mode

[secret-cryptid]

I just don’t think enough people are appreciating that James Corden wasn’t in the new Mario movie.

Can you imagine the relief I felt when Toad started talking and he wasn’t a British man baby?

[secret-cryptid]

Your pfp is a plushie, you have a statistical advantage!

Your vibes are shit.

No they're cute. My vibes are cutie.

[secret-cryptid]

American Ninja Warrior

Competitor: *Just started*

Commentators: Wow look at this lanky bitch. What a fucking bean pole. Ain’t no way this guy is gonna make it past our glorified monkey bars. Fucking baby, go take a swim

Competitor: *Finishes the course*

Commentators: I knew he had it in him, make sure to get his number before someone else does ladies.

[secret-cryptid]

this is asexual cryptid erasure

dont be scared, even cryptids probably cum

[secret-cryptid]

We’re just gonna brush past the fact that a furry artist correctly diagnosed someone with Crohn’s disease?

Doctor: $140,000 a year

Furry artist on Patreon: $160,000 a year