selfmademguy

[selfmademguy]

#Ifuckeduptoo

A couple of years ago I did something terrible. At least, I was made aware that what I did was terrible. Recent global news and of course, the #metoo movement has made me reflect on it and I need to get it off my chest.

I was going through a lot back then. It wasn’t the first time that I had gotten so drunk that my actions weren’t my usual behaviour or even rational. But, it was the first time that I had absolutely no control or recollection of any of it and it was just unbelievably bad.

I have flash backs and I have an idea that for a portion of it I was “semi-present” but not in control nor in the REAL present. Have you ever had dream where the narrative seems to already be set and you’re just a participant?

Well, I thought I was dreaming. The dream was weird and so disconnected from real life... I was the boyfriend of a girl that was being prevented from being with me by some sort of mafia-esque group of people led by a Russian woman where there there was some sort of blood relation to the girl or something to that affect. They were beating and hurting me and I was so desperate to be with her.

Only the truth is, I’m someone’s husband, the girl is a friend of a friend, with which my relationship is completely platonic, we don’t even know each other that well, and the mafia lady was the club manager and her henchmen were the bouncers. I was chemically imbalanced due to depression and that combined with far too much alcohol created this narrative and threw me right in the middle of it.

I don’t want to hear what I really did that night, more-so than what I already have heard. It’s too painful. It’s painful because it’s not me but I hurt someone else and they’ll probably never forgive me.

You see, I’m not that person. I am faithful and respectful of women and I would never hurt anyone intentionally nor cross any lines. That night I did and I can’t remember it. Even in the narrative my mind had created, there was no sense of crossing a line, but the reality is that I did.

And now I’m watching a series about men who intentionally sexually harassed women and I feel like a monster. And I’m not a monster.

I’ve recovered from the depression and I don’t drink heavily nor lose control like I did that night. But that doesn’t make me feel any better.

I am just so sorry. I wish I could forgive myself for upsetting so many people that night, and I wish that the real truth about me would be common knowledge - that something went very wrong that night and that, that monster is not the person I am.

I can’t erase it though and I guess that it is something I will need to live with, for the rest of my life.

Be better than me.

[selfmademguy]

Woah. Okay.

Over the past two days I’ve done quite a lot of reflecting on the year to date, where I’ve come from and where I’m headed.

The good news is that I know I’m headed in the right direction. The less than good news is that I fell harder this year than I gave myself self-care for.

I mean, I could have died in January. Don’t get me wrong, I’m completely grateful that I got through it all and that I’m here today, but I don’t think I really processed that properly... I let my narcissistic, manipulative former employer rob me of that much needed self-care due to the fear of losing my job... and where did that get me? Nowhere. In fact, he held it against me, accused me of not performing and essentially pushed me out of the position I was in before my op and made me feel guilty for it.

I’ve come to terms with the work side of things and I’m far better off for being away from him and his company, but I don’t think I went back and addressed the emotional side of what took place between January and February.

I dream about it. I remember every moment each time I touch my lower abdomen and feel the scar, or the lack of sensation I have in some places on my tummy where there was nerve damage. I remember the pain, the fevers, the blood and the crazy sensation of shock I felt in the ride in the ambulance to the hospital. It’s still fresh.

I’m going to let myself deal with that now and count my blessings for what has gone so right this year... I took up scuba diving which has really given me something I enjoy and can look forward to and strive towards... and I have my own business where I am my own boss. It’s super stressful, but it’s my stress and I know even when it’s tough, it will be ok.

Sometimes my anxiety makes me physically ill. It’s hard to keep yourself positive when your subconscious fear is making you feel so unwell physically.

I’ve realized that stress isn’t the only thing contributing to this. It’s all this unaddressed baggage. I need to process it and let it go.

In the end, I’m stronger than all this.

[selfmademguy]

Whoa, is it October 2019?!

Ok, so I haven’t written in almost a year - my bad.

I guess there’s good reason and bad for that. Good, in that I’ve been busy living my life but bad that I haven’t taken the time to share and take in what’s happened and is happening.

2019 has been a year that “shook” me.

I can’t begin to explain how, but I’m going to try.

January 2019, I had my hysterectomy. It was a beautiful time mentally, but physically couldn’t have been worse. I ended up developing an infection that forced my wound to rupture... I could have died. It was a close call.

Going back to work after nearly dying would have been great if my company hadn’t decided to demote me in the ranks and treat me like an employee that absconded while I was recovering.

In May 2019, I resigned. I gave up dreams of branching out to Cape Town and explored new ones - working for myself in a Company I share with my wife. It’s been six challenging months, but we are still going strong and getting busier as we go. I’m relieved and blessed.

I’ve also finally got my official name change from Home Affairs and a pending gender change that should be done (hopefully) by my next Birthday.

I turned 40 this year, started Scuba Diving, became an entrepreneur and discovered a new side of myself. He’s not a bad guy, he’s just easily distracted. He means well and from now on, he’s going to count his blessings.

Shouldn’t you?

[selfmademguy]

Water under the bridge

It’s been a while since I’ve posted, but my focus has been more on fixing what needed repair, in more ways than one.

It’s December, my leave is in full swing, and I’m one week post top surgery revision.

I’m proud of more than that, though. I haven’t had a drink in 4 months and haven’t smoked in 8 months.

I’m on medication that is helping me cope with what seems to be a natural-born general anxiety disorder. It’s the strangest thing - I used to worry all the time. I don’t anymore.

It’s cleared my head to such an extent, that I’ve set many plans in motion for 2019, that I’m legitimately excited about!

The first is that I have booked a hysterectomy for 7th January 2019. It’s time.

Secondly, I’ve planned to open a branch of the agency I work for, in Cape Town. I’m so excited for this and will be working towards making the move by mid-year.

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before, but someone told me that occasionally the wheels have to come off for you to find your way again.

I’m not welcoming another occasion, but it certainly worked.

Here’s to bigger and better things and the changes that matter.

[selfmademguy]

Ground zero.

So, about that drinking too much and losing my mind never happening again... it did.

Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde. Mr Hyde is a piece of shit. He is all the bad, sad, traumatic things I’ve probably ever experienced, disguised as me after one too many. That’s not who I am, nor who I’ve ever been before all this.

Yes, my transition.

I’ve been so caught up in the positive physical changes, redefining my identity, that I’ve neglected self-care and dealing with all the emotional baggage along the way.

As I read back on my previous blog posts, I see so much pain and hurt, not from my transition itself, but from losing friends, family and other hurtful experiences. I’ve also been taking on too much at work, and today I told my boss.

I told him I will be pushing back with my capacity, and that I’ll be taking care of myself going forward. So, I’m going to take care of this. I’m going to see a Psychiatrist and make sure that I’m ok.

Physically, I feel quite rubbish following my meltdown this past weekend. I’m tense, anxious and tired - all at the same time. I’m just relieved now, that I’ve found the strength to voice it and sort it out.

Change isn’t just about embracing the new and the better - it’s about letting go and making peace with the past and what you’ve left behind.

[selfmademguy]

Monsters under the bed.

I think everyone has baggage. At least, I’d like to think so, instead of thinking that there’s just a limited few of us that have our crosses to bear while others frolic about town, unscathed. 

This past weekend, I aired my laundry in an act that my wife calls, self-harm. She’s not wrong. It is self-harm. I do know what my baggage is, I just don’t know why a perfectly innocent night out results in a night of manic drunkenness and otherworldly behaviour, which is completely out of character. It’s not the first time, but it’s certainly the last time. 

Fix the baggage. That’s what everyone says, but it’s not always that easy. Nevertheless, I am addressing the biggest issue resulting in the madness and drunkenness, which is:  my inability to voice what I need to voice, when I need to voice it. 

I blame my mother for this. She used to freak out at the smallest things throughout my childhood, grooming me into this person that finds it almost impossible to voice my upset about things, need for something or just general upset. Things always have to build up to a point where I explode, or drink too much, and act like a monster. 

Solution:  I’m seeing an NLP coach who will help me to address this problem. 

Gender Dysphoria: It’s a beast and it takes no prisoners. Things have been going so well, and then someone refers to my past and the gender I was born, mistakenly uses the wrong pronoun or dead name and boom... ground zero. You can’t cry. You don’t want to cry. You can’t get upset, but you do get upset and then when someone makes a joke about something referring to the gender issue, you’re meant to just laugh and not be sensitive about it, but you are sensitive about it. 

Solution: Take no prisoners. It’s time to correct them all, educate them all and feel unapologetic for who I am. I also think that this remedy ties into the one above. Being able to voice this, will make it easier to do. 

It doesn’t stop there. A simple thing like shaving this week through me into a downer. All of a sudden the face looking back at me doesn’t feel the same. The chest that isn’t quite flat suddenly feels worse, my voice feels higher and it just spirals out of control from there. 

Solution: I don’t have one, specifically. Although, my chest revision surgery in December will help, as well as the decision to just be a man with facial hair, despite that really not being what my wife wants. It’s what I need to do for me, for now.

Friends, or the lack of:  When you have such low self-esteem and such self-loathing, you don’t feel deserving of friends, even though you really want to have friends. I’ve lost so many in recent years and it’s made me feel very isolated and lonely. Another reason why a sudden night out with friends has no off switch and you’re swirling in regret and the worst ever state of drunkenness at the end of it all. Overwhelmed and over it all. 

Solution: I’m going to plug in to my immediate circle more. My wife is my first priority. I’m making an effort at home and trying to be a better husband. I’ll make that my first priority.

My disconnection with my family: Family is everything. In the last two years, I’ve almost completely lost mine. My father left a massive void in my life when he died. I’m still at a loss for him. I really am. 

My extended family have judged me and alienated me, for the most part. I have an aunt in my life that I can turn to. My mother... well that’s a whole new blog to be honest. I will always love my mother, she has had her moments of such goodness to me in my life, I just wish that I could say that for all the times that I really needed her to be there, that she was. She thinks she is, but she’s not. Her blatant refusal to call me Michael, use the correct pronouns and address me as the man that I am, is killer. I can’t cope with it. I need her so much, but as soon as I get close to her, it hurts. 

My transition has brought me the most comfort in my own skin and happiness in my own skin that I have ever felt in my life. It’s completely right and I don’t regret a thing. 

At the same time, it’s brought me a lot of sadness and pain. It’s pushed me into the loneliest state I’ve ever been in, in my life. Sometimes it’s worth the bad, sometimes the bad is overwhelming.

Don’t get me wrong, if I had a choice to wind back the clocks, I’d do nothing differently, other than to have started my journey earlier on in my life. 

For now, all I can do is try and be the best I can be. Even when I fail.

[selfmademguy]

Changing habits.

So, it’s been an exciting couple of months. 

I’ve made some changes at home and in my personal life, and I’ve undertaken changes at work as well. I guess you could say that the overarching theme has been, change. 

What kind of changes? Well, it’s hard to explain, but I’ll try. I’ve decided to try and reinvent myself as a leader at work, which includes a neuro-linguistic programming course to try and unearth the things that are holding me back from further success, that I may be unaware of. It’s a small mouthful, but I’m excited about it. 

At home and in my personal life, I’ve started plugging in, in ways I’ve always wanted to, but lacked the motivation to. 

For example, I’ve made a conscious effort to start cooking and we’re going in to week two of uCook, which has been quite a success. I’d like to make Sandra’s life easier, and that is one way to do it. 

I’ve stopped smoking. It’s a biggie for me. In five days, it’ll be two months to the day I last had a cigarette.

I’ve started watching what I eat and have opted to make better decisions with my meals and diet choices. It’s paid off. I’m 10kgs lighter than I was in October 2017, and I’ve lost a considerable amount of inches two - down a shirt size and two jean sizes.

I’ve also started watching my activity levels and sleep patters. I can thank Apple watch for that, but this time, I’m using it purely to monitor my health, not take over my life with constant digital noise - I’ve switched off all notifications. 

Best news of late, I’ve scheduled my revision of my top surgery for December this year. Another extended stay in Cape Town (where I love to be) but this time, under local anesthetic and far less intrusive. I say less intrusive, but having surgery under local is really daunting. 

At the end of the day, I’m plugging in to a better me. Mind, body and soul. I look forward to updating with even more positive changes as the year progresses.

Booyah.

[selfmademguy]

21 Months on T, 17 months post top surgery

Time flies when you’re having fun. At least, I hope it’s been fun for the most part.

There have been some really difficult days and weeks inbetween.

This past weekend saw my first visit to my mom in a year, which was good but challenging at the same time. She unknowingly places me into a very poor head space. I say unknowingly, because despite knowing that she chooses to still refer to me with my old name and incorrect pronouns, she doesn’t truly respect what doing so does to me emotionally.

Physically, no one around me addresses me as female at all. Strangers were shocked when my mother did, not in a way that they felt embarrassed for making a mistake, but concerned that she had.

The changes in the past month have been quite visible. Namely:

Body hair - and tons of it. I have a lot of hair growth on my back and I have hair growth on my chest.

Facial hair - I’m finally seeing some chin hair growth and it’s starting to come in along my sideburns and jawline, slowly.

Shoulders - I’ve always had them, but their shape has changed quite a bit.

Weight loss - I’ve dropped two denim sizes very recently, and have noticed that my legs have toned down quite a lot as well.

With all these changes, I’ve become a bit more physically active and have signed up for Yoga at work, and have quit smoking.

Next steps are to visit my surgeon in Cape Town next month for review discussions around my top surgery, and plan my hysterectomy for next year, or as soon as possible.

My follow-up with Dr Elna (GP) is next month along with my next 14-week T-Shot.

Health wise, I’m happy and motivated.

Emotionally, there are some hurdles to overcome and there’s some growth to do.

All in all, Mike’s a happy guy.

Just keep swimming.

[selfmademguy]

16 months on T, (almost) 1 year post-op

Ok, so I jumped the gun a little. Only by two weeks. So, we’re basically here. A year post top surgery.

I must be honest, I haven’t counted Nebido shots, but today I had another one. The gap between my injections is now at 14 weeks, which is quite impressive. I wouldn’t mind if it stayed at that gap - no one likes injections. 

Changes keep on coming and over the last while, they’ve been more prolific. I’m used to staring back in the mirror and seeing a more “me” version of me, but lately it’s been more impactful. I see a little silhouetta of a man...(let’s all break out in chorus, or not) ok, maybe not that little - but it’s still a big thing.

Physical Journey:

Body shape - no changes here since my last update, but the redistribution alone has been quite an impact. 

Body hair - The back hair struggle, is real. I want it on my face, not my back!

Voice - no more major changes here, but my voice is definitely deeper and I have very “croaky” days as my voice breaks or deepens even more.

Chest - my doctor has recommended that I send update pics to my surgeon to get his opinion on revision. It’s going to be a costly affair, so I’m in no hurry, but I’m far more impressed with my results at a year, than I was earlier on.

Facial hair - the stubble is real. It’s just patchy and uneven and in the places I don’t want it. Deeper sideburns are becoming a thing, too.

Emotional Journey:

This has by far been the hardest and most hard-hitting change for me. I’m not tearful as I used to be. I can fly off the handle and have, but I generally feel better, more at ease in myself. 

What’s been hard is that at work I’ve been told to “calm down”. This didn’t take with me as well, as given the pressure I’ve been under and recent circumstances, I don’t think that I’ve behaved irrationally or without cause. However, I’ve taken a step back and started reanalyzing my career and who I am.

It’s not easy to do introspection when you already have emotional challenges to deal with: misgendering, lack of support from friends/family, etc. Rather it just pushes you into a slump of: “Is it me?” “Am I the bad guy?” “Am I nothing?” - all self-harming observations you could probably do without. 

So what now? I need to find focus on things that don’t hurt, while I learn to cope with what I have no choice but to face, disregard what I can do without, and persevere to remove the toxic people from my circles, or myself from theirs.

It sounds easier than it is, I know. That’s because it isn’t easy practice, but we have one life, one chance and only ourselves to rely on for happiness. Why waste that? 

[selfmademguy]

15 months on T, 10 months post-op

I must say, typing the title of this blog was quite something - I can’t believe how far I’ve come!

The past few months have had their ups and downs, but the changes are becoming more and more prominent, which is amazing for me.

I thought this would be great timing to update on my changes, particularly as some have been quite noticeable of late.

Body shape - this has been the biggest change so far. Fat redistribution is real. Gone are the hips I used to have, and due to this, I finally wear my pants at the right height and can tuck in my shirts and not look like my upper body is retreating into my lower body! My shoulders are definitely broader, and although I am overweight and need to lose weight, my overall shape is quite different and I’m seeing muscle definition in areas I never had before. The shape of my legs has changed - as hard as that may be to believe.

Body hair - I’ve started seeing bigger patches of hair on my shoulders and back, and the inside of my legs. My once insignificant arm hair, is now quite significant.

Voice - no major changes here, but my voice is definitely deeper and I have very “croaky” days as my voice breaks or deepens even more.

Chest - post op I had serious lows about the look of my chest, but the tissue is settling down and with my recent weight loss, my chest is appearing flatter and settling nicely. There are days that my scars and surrounding tissue can be sore, and on the right side it feels a bit uneven, but I’m letting nature take its course and once in two years post op I can consider revision, if necessary.

Facial hair - I’m starting to see hair coming in under my side burns and along my cheeks, this is very new. My chin area and neck area has a runway strip straight down the middle, with rogue hairs here and there on the sides. I cannot wait for everything to connect!

That’s about it for the moment, but I’m so excited about the future and what’s to come.

I’ll chat more about my emotional journey later on. For now, I’m enjoying the highs of change.

Peace!

[selfmademguy]

A missing person’s report.

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged, but I have a good excuse. LIFE.

The past few months have been challenging, to say the least. Physically, I’ve never been better... but emotionally, I’m a wreck. 

Let’s talk about the positive first. I’m growing a beard. A patchy beard, but a beard at least. Tiny hairs are starting to sprout under my sideburns and along my cheeks, which is awesome - but I shave them once or twice a week as the growth is so random, it’s not worth showcasing just yet. I imagine I’ll get there in the next six months, but I’m in no rush - I’m enjoying the changes.

`My body shape has definitely changed, but this bloke needs to go on a diet. The wife and I need to take our banting plans from the discussion phase to execution phase... die - with a ‘t’.

My voice hasn’t deepened noticeably in the last while, but I have noticed that misgendering over the phone is happening a lot less these days. 

Physically - I’m happy and the change is all good.

However, emotionally - things are different. I titled this blog “A missing person’s report”as that is pretty much how I feel of late - missing. 

I’m not her anymore physically - I never was mentally, but I AM legally. This means that when life happens and you’re in a car accident, as much as the Police officer calls you ‘sir’, he has to document the accident with ‘m’am’. 

I had to explain to the vehicle finance agent that although he had addressed ‘sir’ on the phone, the car was registered to her. It’s awkward.

I know it’s not my problem what other people think, but I feel so much in limbo and that I’m living a half-life, that it’s affecting my happiness.  Legally, I’m restricted by the fact that my gender and name changes aren’t complete. (South African Department of Home Affairs - that’s another blog altogether).

Then there’s the other side of the coin - being misgendered by people you love. 

Society has already decided that I present male. I have no issues meeting new people, clients, suppliers, etc... but people I love, choose to use the pronouns they feel comfortable with or became accustomed to, rather than the ones I wish to be used. It’s hurtful, because 1) They know. 2) They cannot look at me and still see her. She’s long gone. As much as I know some people have mourned her and are mourning her, I don’t. I’m grateful she was there, but just as grateful that she’s gone, as if I was wearing an uncomfortable suit that I’ve managed to take off.

I don’t sleep well anymore and I feel like I’ve lost a bit of luster in my life. I’ve withdrawn. I don’t feel like I have friends nor that much fun in my life. Having friends used to be easy. Now it feels like people are trying too hard. It’s not their fault, but everything doesn’t need to be about my transition. I just want what we had - to just be. 

One thing I am grateful for, is Sandra. She’s been amazing in all aspects and has made the darker days, lighter. She gets me, sees me for who I am and has made me feel so comfortable, every day. 

But, the rest is up to me. Getting out of this slump, is up to me. How, though?

Mike. Here, but missing.

[selfmademguy]

Today marks my 1 year anniversary on T, and the the first year anniversary of my transition. I couldn't be happier to be on this journey. Onwards and upwards! Thanks to everyone who has supported me and stood by me. #transition #transguy #transisbeautiful #change #ftmtransgender #transformation #livelifeauthentically

[selfmademguy]

The Ex Best Friend.

I think that having an ex best friend in life is rather inevitable, although the thought makes most of us sad or uncomfortable. 

I walked away from a best friend of over 20 years friendship, just this past Saturday. I walked away because he called me “girl” and when corrected, told me that I’m “not a boy either”. 

I walked away because he accused me of making my transition all about “me” and for treating him poorly by explaining it in an email (despite his distance from me telephonically and living in another province). He accused me of being disingenuous because he had heard nothing about my dysphoria in our 20 years of friendship, despite the fact that I openly admitted that I couldn’t tell anyone. I couldn’t. He even accused me of not being the same person anymore, despite him being the same person he was 20 years ago. I believe people are always growing, but our core - who we are internally, stays the same. Without growth, what are we?

I walked away because he accused my wife of being to blame for my transition as she is bisexual. 

I walked away because he was too busy finding faults to actually listen to me. He claimed to have questions, but directed accusations. One being that because a certain song or genre of music that I had liked all my life, wasn’t played at my wedding, it was a clear indication that I “adapt” according to my partner and relationship. I still listen to all the music I always did, but play it at my wedding?  I built the playlist myself - but I had to accommodate 43 people with varied tastes, especially my wife - it was her day too. I didn’t make my wedding day all about me, why would I treat anything else that way?

Is this really a valid point to bother yelling at someone?

His accusations were petty, his approach was hurtful and I am very glad that I walked away. 

If being my true self has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need to be attacked or persecuted for your personal growth. I have done nothing to hurt anyone purposely through my transition, and if truth be told, nothing I have done should have hurt anyone. This is my life, my body and I deserve to live my life in the body that matches how I feel inside. 

I don’t deserve to be hurt by anyone that doesn’t agree with me. 

Who really walked away? Me or him?

[selfmademguy]

Two steps forward, one back.

Transition is an interesting journey. Sometimes things go well and sometimes they don’t. It’s hard to stay positive all the time, but I do try. 

Today has not been a good day. 

Quite ironically I had a long conversation with my wife last night, explaining how her time away for work has made me realize how alone I actually am, having lost friends and a lot of the support that I used to have pre-transition, which is actually the only major negative experience I’ve had through transition aside of moments of dysphoria.

One great thing did happen yesterday. It was my mother’s birthday and when she and I spoke she addressed me as ‘Michael’ for the first time. She laughed nervously, but I am so grateful for the effort and I think she knows it. I did acknowledge it, but didn’t want to make a massive deal about it, so that it feels effortless in future.

Today, the admin of my transition took a nose dive. I contacted the Department of Home Affairs for feedback on my gender change and name change application, only to find out that nothing had been done at all as they were missing information and could not get in touch with me. They had the wrong contact number for me, completely incorrect in fact - and I have no idea how. 

The last three months waiting on this have been a waste and I’m forced to drive the 60km+ to Krugersdorp to reapply or reassess my application to see what is outstanding. It is so infuriating, and frustrating that no one can assist me telephonically to let me know what I still need to submit to them - forcing me to do the trip twice, once to find out what I need (if I don’t have it with me) and again to submit. I am so devastated by this as it is a culmination of administrative errors on their side, for which they are completely unapologetic.

It’s hard, because every time I have to visit a government department there is a risk of being treated poorly by people who are not educated in this matter. 

I guess that I just have to take it in my stride and go through to Krugersdorp. 

At least, in other areas of my life, things are looking up. My mother is trying to move forward and that is invaluable to me. 

Now all I need is to find a way to cope with the admin dramas and build up a new friendship circle. 

This journey isn’t for the faint of heart, but smooth seas never made a good sailor.

[selfmademguy]

Today is a bad day.

I don’t know why, but I’ve woken up particularly down today. It kind of started yesterday, but it’s just escalated. I guess these days happen.

I suppose it’s partly a lie that I don’t know why, I suppose I just don’t understand why I’m being so poorly affected today. The why, is a frustration and hurt at losing my best friend, having people STILL misgender me or use the wrong pronouns and the fact that my mother won’t make the switch.

It’s tiring, it’s hurtful and it’s annoying.

I just hope that I can get over this feeling today, as I actually have things to do that this is just hindering me from doing.

I’m also lonely, though I shouldn’t be. I just wish I had a friend, someone to share the good and bad with, that wanted to hear it all. My wife is amazing, and I’m not saying that she isn’t a friend to me - she’s the best and I miss her when she’s away, but there’s a hole in my life when it comes to friendship, which is an entirely separate situation.

Hoping that the rest of my day improves and that I shake this sadness. It’s debilitating.

[selfmademguy]

10 months on T, 5 months post top surgery.

I can't actually believe it's been 10 months. Tomorrow marks 10 months to the date I got my first Nebido shot. It's been quite a journey and filled with good moments and the occasional bad moment, but I'm proud to say that the bad moments are less frequent. By bad moments I mean, being misgendered, feeling overwhelmed by dysphoria and general sadness at the delay in acceptance and change. This past week has been filled with generally bad luck and upsetting incidents, but much like my perception of the series "Transparent", my transition hasn't been at the forefront of life's ups and downs. This too shall pass, but I'm glad that ten months later, I'm generally acknowledged as a man and able to enjoy my life presenting physically as my true self. Today I was misgendered for a moment, with my awesome wife quickly correcting the ignorant waiter as to the fact that he had misgendered me and not taken a good look to see that I am a gent, and the moment was over as quickly as it had happened. I realize that I am overweight which makes me appear more feminine, but I'm growing facial hair and my features are definitely masculine, so it was an oversight more so than what could be a general perception. In terms of my top surgery results, I've had a bit of discomfort on the one side, but I'm told it will take up to two years for the skin and tissue to settle down. I'm aware that revision is still possible so my outlook is good, but I'm happier than I ever was before surgery. I'm back in training from May 2017 and this too will speed up my progress and help me get into the right shape. In general, I'm happy and swiftly moving forward with my life. I'm also grateful to have the love of such an incredible human being. I'd be lost without her. Especially in shopping malls. Just keep swimming.

[selfmademguy]

What did we do to deserve Bill Nye