singlemominpiyamas-blog

[singlemominpiyamas-blog]

I owe no one anything. 5.5.20

What I’m starting to realize is that I owe no one anything. I can give my love and share my peace with those I want to but I don’t have to suffer anymore. I don’t have to put my trust or time into people who have repeatedly failed me and only come around when they need something. I don’t have to waste my time begging people to love me when other people already care and love me for who I am. 

My heart is worth sharing and exploring but only with the right people and I’m entitled to cut anyone out of my life at anytime for valid reasons that are my own. 

Allowing people to use me only enables them to keep being a crappy person. That’s not healthy love. Relationships require boundaries and respect of those boundaries. Relationships are built on accountability and trust. On the other hand, love is reciprocal. I should, within reasonable parameters, expect people to love, honor and cherish me like I do them regardless if it’s a friendship or romantic situation. 

I am realizing things about myself that I never realized before and that consistency is what I need to grow as a person. I need to be there for me. I need to take care of myself. I need to advocate for myself or things won’t change. I’ll keep repeating the cycles of my past. 

Things will inevitably go wrong because that’s a part of life. Accepting that unfortunate events are a part of life doesn’t necessarily mean removing emotions from the situation. It means coping with those emotions and what is in front of you while also learning to cope with anxieties and self-doubt. 

I self-sabotage because I don’t have the self-confidence or esteem to realize I’m worth protecting. I am worthy. I don’t need to depend on someone else to make me feel worthy or “good.” I don’t need the approval of other people to happily exist. I can do that on my own and that’s a concept that is very difficult to accept as a co-dependent person. Also, if you do not accept societal norms, you’re a “rebel.” When did demanding respect of my boundaries become rebellion?

Self-love is a form of rebellion because consumer culture is built on self-loathing. Radically love and care for yourself and friends because no one else will do it like you do. 

There should not be anything radical about respecting people and their space. I have grown. I used to not respect the boundaries of other people because I never understood what boundaries were but now I do. I was a problematic person. I need to change and grow from who I was, too. Accountability goes both ways. 

I have a problem with co-dependency and, as the cliche goes, admitting that you have a problem is the first step. It’s the first step in breaking a bad habit. It’s the first step in healing. It’s the first step in blooming into whoever you were meant to be because who you are meant to be derives from who you were in the past. 

Sometimes, I get stuck in the thinking pattern of “why am I not further in my life?” “Why didn’t I achieve what I was supposed to when I was supposed to?” 

With my ex-husband, I had a house. He drove me anywhere I needed to go. He gave me whatever I wanted but I never asked him for much. The reality is that our relationship was built on co-dependence. 

I am a capable person. I may not have certain skills, now, but I can build up those skills. I will not be good at everything I try especially without practice or practical knowledge but I can try and fail and try again because as long as I keep trying, I haven’t failed.  

All we can do in this life is strive to be better. That’s what I want to do and I will do it because I can. I am strong enough. I am wise enough. I am enough.  

[singlemominpiyamas-blog]

Never torn down. 5.4.20

The Flower Moon is on May 7th. Planning on doing another self-love ritual that night. I did one the last full moon. 

This weekend I ended up in the hospital after a fainting spell in my kitchen. Both of the kids were safe in the living room watching cartoons. I ended up lowering myself onto the floor using the refrigerator and calling 911.  

On top of fainting from pain, low blood sugar and stress, I found out the father of my current baby is already shacked up with a new girlfriend and has her pregnant. At least, this is what he has told me. 

I’m not sad about it. I feel relieved to finally have my suspicions confirmed. Also found out a lot of other information about him via the girl he never dumped that he was seeing a week before me.

It’s messy. 

That’s all I plan on saying about that situation in a public forum. People deserve their privacy but he’s obviously got a lot of growing to do as a person. I never want to be with him again. 

Everything is going to be ok. I feel a range of complex emotions right now. I feel relieved but uncomfortable. It stems from anxiety and fear. Will I be enough? Will I be able to handle my little family without a male figure in their lives? Will I be able to provide for all of their emotional needs? Am I doing enough right now? 

I know I’m not a bad mother. I do everything I can for my kids. I try everything I can to be a better person every day but I fail my expectations for myself. I overthink and analyze. I try to inscribe a meaning to everything. I have trouble relaxing and enjoying genuine interactions with people because most of my life has been spent playing mind games. 

I am very proud of myself. 

Tonight, instead of death spiraling in my bed under a cloud of anxiety and learned helplessness, I got up. Did a 20 minute yoga video and now I’m typing up this blog while bumping binaural beats on the smart TV. Baby steps forward are still progress. 

Healing from trauma is messy. It requires a lot of trail and error but it’s worth it. You have to forgive yourself. You have to be strong in who you are and where you are going with your life. At least that is what it has meant to me lately. 

Confidence is healing. Not asking for permission or approval is healing. Owning my liberty has been healing. 

I’m not alone. I felt scared because I got overwhelmed by the idea that I’m going to die alone or that I’m going to fail my kids in some way but the reality is that I will in some way but that’s ok. That’s a part of life and that’s ok because I have to focus on what I can control. 

I can control how I react to situations. I control what I wear. Put into my body. Eat. Problem solve. Cope with troubling situations. Who I speak with everyday. My friends. 

I am strong. I am beautiful. I am wise. Those are the affirmations I’ve been saying to myself in times of stress with great big slow timed breaths. 

I remind myself to stop caring about the worthless opinions of insecure people because nothing they have to say matters. They have no self- esteem so they attempt to take down the light within me because misery loves company. They rather dim my light than add logs to my fire, my passion, my lust for life. 

I have a roof over my head, food in the cabinets and refrigerator, a job, healthy kids, intelligence, access to knowledge and a big full heart. What I’m understanding is that my heart only feels broken but it’s been whole this whole time. I have been a whole person this whole time. Sometimes I may feel empty but that piece of me is still there. It just needs to be replenished. That’s what sadness does. 

It makes happiness and self-love an illusion but it was there the whole time to be used as a comfort to you because you were there the whole time. You’re a whole person you just have to remind yourself every day with self-care. 

Stop the psychological cycles, those patterns can be stopped via different methods. Sometimes, you have to remove yourself from a physical environment to transport your mind. Give yourself space. Go to a different room. Go outside. Sit on the floor. Hang upside down on the couch. Get a new perspective because, if not, you’ll stay stuck. 

Sure, things people do and say will hurt you but they will hurt less if you have your own space and identity. 

Don’t rush into relationships. Access the situation completely. Put yourself first because people don’t change for other people. If someone is consumed by their hate of the world that animosity will not be changed by your love. They hate themselves. That hate will saturate every piece of you because MISERY LOVES COMPANY!!!

I am grateful for this painful experience because I have learned so much about myself. I have learned that I am resilient. That I am good. I am insecure but that doesn’t mean it’s forever. I can change. 

It takes 21 to 30 days to establish a new habit. Well, I’ve been writing this blog. I can get the podcast together. I can raise these children as a single mom. I am trying every day to heal from the harm that has been done to me. All I can do is grow as a person for myself. That’s all I have control over. 

I still have a bunch more trauma to let go but I will heal with time. I have grand plans for myself. I have confidence in myself that I will achieve whatever I need to in this lifetime. 

I have goals. I have interests. I will never stop learning. I will never stop growing. I will simply keep evolving because I am free. I belong to nobody but myself. That’s what self-love means to me.  

[singlemominpiyamas-blog]

5.2.20. 2:17 AM

My broken heart cracks easily like an egg. My fragile exterior bursting revealing a beautiful yellow interior, splatting on the pan of my trauma, fried and gently placed over cheesy grits. The delicious combo of trauma that’s comforting and delicious yet not the best for my health over time. 

I’m gonna die of clogged arteries if I don’t chill out. I’ve been reading The Body Keeps The Score. It’s a book on how trauma literally affects every organ. 

I cannot fathom doing the things other people have done to me. I have exposed so many people for being shady or bad but I still feel this void within myself. The void of the sum of the things that they did to me that have made me feel small enough to fit into their empty places. 

I am a distraction. 

Much of my relationships have been distractions from my own success. It’s reciprocal. Much of my relationships were distractions from trauma. Toxic. Lusty. Short. Toxic. Forced. Toxic. Sexually charged and empty interactions to fill the time between silent realizations of unhappiness and incompatibility. 

For example: 

My exes have similar family backgrounds: Emotionally absent fathers with extensive trauma issues who coped with said trauma with some sort of substance abuse. A loving mother who stayed with their dad no matter what happened, lacked boundaries and were the “tough tom boys” of their families. These dudes were either the youngest or only child.

The only person who does not fit this description is the first guy I ever “dated.”

I analyze every person that comes into my life to protect myself. 

The more I know about the past and the reoccurring patterns that have adversely affected my life, the more likely I am to prevent them from happening again and causing further damage. That’s what healing is supposed to do. That’s stopping the cycle. That’s what years of therapy and journaling are supposed to do. Get you to analyze what you’re doing and the reasons why. 

You’re studying yourself.  

My failures or mediocrity have scared me into complacency. Once dysfunction becomes commonplace, it’s the norm. It becomes the daily grind. If you grow up in dysfunction, inevitably if not properly treated, you will become a toxic person. 

If you didn’t have the proper support after a traumatizing event, you are more likely to develop PTSD or other mental health issues. Toxicity will become a part of your relationships. If you do not know how to deal with trauma in a healthy way, self-sabotage will become a survival mechanism you will be unable to turn off. 

Drinking, drug use, gambling, copious amounts of sex, binge eating, disordered eating, eating disorders, excessive exercising, risky behaviors like speeding and etc, are not going to make you feel better and will only traumatize you more. 

Misery isn’t a vibe. Dysfunction doesn’t have to be a vibe. We can heal and it hurts different. It hurts less. It doesn’t hurt worse. 

When we journal, reach out, participate in the things we love, be creative, make goals, cut toxic people out of our lives and etc, we make space for growth. We pick up the clutter of our traumas, we weed out those memories and dispose of them with care, we have space for growth and good people in our lives who want healthy relationships with us and themselves. 

Right now, I’m blaring good music in my ear phones, typing at nearly 2 AM about how I feel while hoping it reaches someone that needs to hear it because it makes me feel good to know I’m helping someone heal by feeling less alone. 

Also, this is better than what self-destructive behavior I typically have no business engaging in at this time. 

Making a positive impact on the world before I die has got to be the biggest goal I have for myself. I want to be remembered as someone who tried their best but it’s difficult because I can’t be perfect. Eventually, I’m going to mess up or something will be revealed about me that disappoints people. What can I do about that? 

Nothing. 

So *swerve* I can’t worry about that. What I can’t control in this life, I can’t ruminate on.   

What COVID-19 has taught me has been to move with the punches. You only can depend on yourself. Money really does help get what I need to get done, done. 

So, I have been applying to different places and got a job at a grocery store, the other day. I am attempting to secure employment during a pandemic because of the future economic collapse that is evolving before our eyes but I can’t freak out about that too much because I can only control what I got in front of me. 

I can’t make anyone love me. I can’t make a relationship work, one sided. I can’t expect myself to be perfect. I can’t control the economic future. 

I can control who I have in my life because I can positively affect my emotional well-being by cutting them out of my life. I can control how I react to adversity. Even if I feel out of control, I have every right to stop what I’m doing and do something more productive and conducive for my mental health. I don’t have to act crazy for attention. I can be myself and attract positive attention from people who like me instead of acting like a clown for one person. 

Just because you can make people laugh doesn’t mean they’re cheering you on. Some of them are so bored and/or apathetic, they don’t care that the clown has feelings. They don’t share your goofy nature. They think you’re weak and they prey on that perceived weakness. They see joy as naivety. They only want to be entertained and oh what fun it is to watch a train wreck of clowns. *cough cough* 

I can definitely say that I am a train wreck of clowns and I don’t want to be anymore but it’s a comfort zone for me. The dark humor doesn’t help. 

Love and attention are not the same things. 

If they care, they’ll be there for you. You shouldn’t have to show off for attention. You shouldn’t have to crash their crib or throw stuff at them for them to care about you. 

Plus, people experience their emotions in different ways. Some people shut down. Other people feel nothing. Some people stop caring about everything but then you can’t control how people react to life. 

Some people throw things. Yell. Get loud. 

But if you stop to think about why someone does something, it makes sense. I get loud when I argue with my partner because I feel unheard. I feel like what I have to say doesn’t matter to them and when I get angry I yell so they can hear what I have to say. Obviously, that’s not how one gets their point across. That’s the maturity talking. 

I have control of the volume of my voice and if I feel repeatedly insulted and unheard, I need to walk away depending on the type of relationship. Either, I have to walk away or make things work but if making things work didn’t work, I’m going to have to walk away. It’s simple, really. 

If you’re unheard, you’re being disrespected so WALK AWAY! 

If you know that someone will be unable to love you the way you deserve to be loved, walk away because that‘s the most selfish type of love. You know you can’t fix them. You know you can’t make them love you. How will they ever make you happy if they’re going to be miserable with you? 

Have you seen Bruce Almighty? Not even God can make someone love you. The Universe cannot create love. You are love.You have to find and create that for yourself.  

You have to love yourself and achieve your goals or you’ll never find happiness. You have to pursue your own joy in this life in order to feel fulfilled or you’ll never have fulfilling relationships. 

How do you expect a relationship to manufacture something you’ve never felt on your own? 

Whatever energy you put out into the Universe will come back to you. You are a part of Karma. Whatever good you put out there, will come back to you. Whatever bad, will go into the world and come back to you. That balance is what redeems the imperfection it is to be human. 

Life doesn’t have to be suffering but you need to focus on the rainbows. You have to cling onto the joyous moments that make you who you are today or you will be consumed by tragedy. You will become unrecognizable. 

Your identity will become trauma if you do not remember the good things that made you who you are today. Yes, the bad made you who you are too but so did the good. 

You’ll get sucked back into toxic relationships and repeat past traumas until you become aware of those patterns and offsetting them with who you actually are and what actually brings you joy. 

Do you like to paint? What hobbies did you have as a kid? Did you like being inside or outside more? Have you ever been interested in cooking? Do you like fashion? Have you ever wanted to play video games, soccer, DnD, go on a hike, try a new type of food and etc? Do it. 

Have you drank coffee by yourself in a restaurant? Gone to a movie by yourself? Whatever is the thing you want to do or try, do it because it will help you see your goals. It will help you feel fulfilled. 

If you were never loved by your parents or not properly loved or felt neglected in some way somehow by the important people in your life, of course you’re going to be conditioned to love in a dysfunctional way. 

But why be miserable?

Why be miserable because of that? 

Find yourself before you commit to someone who may potentially not value or love you the way you need to be valued and loved. You should not have to beg for love, act like a clown or hide yourself in some way to appease someone. 

Love you. 

[singlemominpiyamas-blog]

4.27.20

I love my baby daddy. I love him so much that I have a lot of trouble giving us space in order to work things out. I want to see and hold him. I want us to grow and be together but my BPD has hindered me from having normal loving romantic relationships. 

(I have the dual diagnosis of BPD and PTSD. They usually go hand in hand.)

People with BPD have dysfunctional relationships. 

I tend to push people away because I fear that they will hurt me because people who were supposed to love me have hurt me. Then after said people go away when asked, I want them back. It’s toxic and dysfunctional. I am toxic and dysfunctional. Also, the relationships I get into are hella toxic, in general. It’s not all me either. It’s both parties.  

I get into relationships with emotionally unavailable men and as a person who needs a lot of reassurance and validation, that’s unhealthy, on both sides. I cannot expect someone to validate me but, also, people shouldn’t get into relationships with people who need this type of validation and not give it to them. They should find someone else to be with or seek help as to why they end up in this particular pattern of romantic relationships. 

In essence, my baby daddy and me need to grow as people. 

Presently, I cannot want a romantic relationship with anybody because I am toxic. I am going to hurt the person I love because I cannot handle affection in a normal way.I am scared of love. 

I am scared to be loved because I fear being hurt and abandoned. Much like I fear making mistakes because I fear failure which indirectly means I fear success. You cannot have success without a sprinkle of failure. 

I’m at a cross roads which has put my life at a stand still because I fear the next step will define the rest of my life. Will it? Will it not? Can I have it all? I don’t know. 

What I do know is that I refuse to sacrifice myself for someone else.

Can I be with this person and have them love and accept me for who I am? Or do I need to change to be with them? If that’s the case, we cannot be together. So, I need to stay single. I don’t want to change for a romantic relationship. I want to change for my kids and me so they don’t see me suffering because I cannot comfortably be myself in a romantic relationship.

I have been going to therapy, fyi. I have been getting stuck within the prison of my mind. So, I decided to go with the flow of life. I have so many things I want to accomplish in my lifetime. I want to be successful so that may mean that I have to let go and hope whatever works out, works out. 

I cannot control everything that happens. I cannot control whether someone loves or cares about me no matter what I do or who I am. One thing I know is that no one wants to be with someone unhappy, unsatisfied or unfulfilled. 

Yes, there will be times in life that you and me will be unhappy. 

There will be sad and terrible things that will happen to you and me that will make us sad or even depressed BUT it’s not someone else’s responsibility to make us feel happy, satisfied or fulfilled. 

That is our responsibility to ourselves to make ourselves feel happy, satisfied and fulfilled.

In the second episode of my podcast I stated that I was going to be raising this child on my own. I’m not going to raise this child alone. I’m sure their dad will be in their life and mine in some capacity. It will be difficult because I do not know if we can work out our relationship. 

I do not know what the future holds for us but I cannot depend on our relationship to make me happy. 

I have to depend on myself to make me happy. I have to depend and confide in myself to know that I love myself enough to grow as a person. 

Community is so important to me. Healing childhood wounds and generational trauma are important to me. I want to build an online community where people can safely talk about trauma. I want to encourage healing in communities. 

I want to feed the homeless. I want to clothe the naked. I want to find peace within myself. A peace that has felt impossible to find unless I’m filling the universe with my voice which makes me feel so selfish and self-important but I believe that’s my inner critic. I believe that I do have something important to say but that I also have to listen better. 

We all have our flaws. 

I am angry. 

I am angry because I want things to work out between me and my baby daddy but hurt people, hurt people. I may be poorly mourning the loss of a relationship or planting seeds for something better to grow or I don’t know. All I know is that I need to strive to be better. 

I need to learn, live and let live. 

I’m a hurt person. He’s a hurt person. We both overthink. We both over analyze because if you’re depressed and anxious and conditioned to think the worst in people that is what you’re going to believe. We both have a tendency to want to get even instead of letting Karma work things out. That’s why Karma keeps kicking my ass. I deserve it though, TBH. 

If I would let go, learn tough lessons and stop making the same mistakes, Karma would leave my ass alone, forreal. 

Love is love but there’s more to life than love and that’s what I wanted to share with you all today. 

[singlemominpiyamas-blog]

5 epiphanies worth sharing about abusive/toxic relationships:

An abuser or toxic person will tell you who they are, all that you have to do is listen.

Despite it being one of the most difficult moments of my life, I have learned so many lessons these past few days:

1.) You have power over how people treat you because you can walk away without saying a word. You don't have to listen to a person's abusive garbage. You can walk away, hang up or partake in a healthy coping skill.

2.) Their actions speak louder than their words. Doesn't matter what they say, what they do is exactly what they mean. That's that.

3.) If they wanted to make it work, relationship-wise, they would do whatever it took to make that happen. If they're not, they're not worth your time. They need to work on themselves. You are not a rehabilitation center especially if you have kids of your own. Focus on your happiness so they can be secure and happy too. Kids want happy parents not miserable ones. 

4.) Focus on you. Be selfish. You will regret not working on yourself because you could have put that time into yourself to grow and learn about you.

5.) The abuser or toxic person will not grow as long as you're in the picture. They have no incentive to change if you stay.

Stop enabling them to treat you like garbage because you deserve better. Who cares if they find another enabler? You don't deserve to be hurt anymore. You deserve better.

These are a few insights I had playing in a field with my daughter after eating tacos from a local taco truck. 

I hope you find them comforting during these dark times. 

[singlemominpiyamas-blog]

4.18.20 - 9:00AM

TW: Suicidal thoughts, depression and other mental health issues

I have a dual diagnosis of BPD and PTSD. I have struggled with personal relationships all of my life especially with romantic ones. I’m starting to finally understand that I am my own worst thought enemy. 

I am the one who thinks horrible things about myself to maintain dysfunctional thought patterns because, at one point, they served a purpose. 

These thoughts justified why people who were supposed to love me unconditionally could only love me with conditions. I would self harm to control relationships. I would starve myself to fit this white American girl ideal of my teenage years. 

I am a shapely Puerto Rican girl but being stick thin was “in” when I was in middle and high school. I graduated in 2010 from a high school in North Carolina. 

It was the Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton era. They were these emaciated goddesses I idolized along with Audrey Hepburn and Molly Ringwald. 

I wanted to be thin so I could be beautiful to my father and boys at school. 

Male attention, I believed, would spare me from being bullied. When I became an emaciated skeleton version of my shapely self in middle school, kids continued to make fun of me for being smart, oddly religious and definitely racist. 

Some of it I deserved. Some of it, I did not. I have had to teach myself a lot about the world because I didn’t get the proper education from home or school. I have been a problematic person for a long time. It’s been baby steps to get to where I am at today. 

In romantic relationships, I have threatened suicide if my partner wanted to break up with me which I know this is completely ridiculous and toxic but I learned from my parent’s relationships that my identity was supposed to come from romantic relationships. 

I wasn’t good enough to create my own identity. I had to be a miniature vicarious version of my parents so they could live out their adolescent fantasies through me. Perfect. No mistakes allowed. 

Now look at me. LOL. SMH. 

Anyway...

I had to change who I was as a person for people to love me because that’s what I had to do at home. I’m a toxic person who has a long healing journey ahead of them. I have made many mistakes.  

NONE OF THIS JUSTIFIES WHAT I HAVE DONE IN THE PAST. Abuse is still abuse regardless if your abuser knows what they did to you because if it scarred you, it scarred you. At the time, I thought I was preventing myself from being hurt when I was partaking in abusive behaviors. I couldn’t conceptualize at the time that I can be a good person and not be in a relationship. Also, abuse is about power and control. I am more problematic than an abuser but I’m still toxic. Trust me, I know. 

I have struggled with suicidal idealization aka (S.I.) most of my life. I have fantasized about killing myself because it was better than the present. I was hospitalized just before the coronavirus really took off in the states on Feb. 29th of this year until the 3rd of March because of issues in a romantic relationship with my current baby’s father. I was suffering for months from untreated mental health issues. The breakup sent me over the edge. 

Side note: This blog and podcast are not meant to demonize baby daddies. Yes, some baby daddies have done crappy things but I’m not going to put mine on blast, here. This is my personal blog about me. I’m not going to turn it on them because what’s that going to help? My kids need their daddies. They’ll find out through their own experiences with their fathers who their dads are and why they are like that. I don’t need to demonize them because we are not together. Everybody has their issues. As long as my kids are fed, dressed, cleaned and loved, they can go to their dad’s houses. I am angry and hurt but I am realizing that I can only control my emotions. I need to learn to emotionally regulate me. I cannot dump on all of my romantic partner’s all of the hurt I have suffered every day of their lives. They are not the ones who hurt me. 

Their actions speak louder than my words. 

I have issues in general. I need to get therapy and other types of support and help so I can provide a better childhood to my children than I got to enjoy. 

I am striving for my independence. Since, I never learned to drive or have a job because of the coronavirus and current pregnancy, I feel trapped. I want to feel productive. I know a part of this is a trauma response but I hate just sitting around feeling like an animal on the edge, planning its escape, stuck in a corner.

The reality is: I have housing. I live in transitional housing since 2 years ago I was living in a domestic violence homeless shelter. I have food because I have food stamps. I live in a relatively safe neighborhood so I take walks with the kids.

The only reason that it’s unsafe is because there are the occasional overdose deaths and drug related murders in the area. Also, crack heads. (It’s a rough neighborhood in Kentucky so it’s not like Chicago or Detroit or Puerto Rico after 9 o’clock). 

I have a lot to be grateful for and my basic needs are met but my brain goes into overdrive. It thinks I’m unsafe when I’m actually perfectly fine. That’s PTSD for you. 

I don’t want someone to provide me with happiness. I need to provide that for myself because I will never be happy until I can be happy with myself. 

Making my podcast makes me happy. Writing makes me happy. Teaching my children new skills and walking with them and showing them the world makes me happy. Sharing stories and laughs with people makes me happy. Learning new things. Trying new things. Painting. Art. Scholarly pursuits. Hiking. Lifting weights. These activities make me happy. 

I don’t want to operate from a world of hurt anymore. I don’t want other people to control my thoughts or destiny but the reality is they never controlled my life. I always did. 

People’s insecurities control their lives. 

I’m a nerdy person. I have been blessed with a life full of experiences because of my upper crust upbringing. Truth be told, at least at my father’s house, all of my physical needs were met. I was fed. My clothing was picked out for me even as a teenager. My makeup was picked out by my ex-step mother. The food I ate was monitored. I had all of the basic needs met but they were all controlled because I had my father’s reputation to uphold. My physical needs were met but, emotionally, I was completely neglected. 

I was not allowed to be an individual. I had to be a cookie cutter suburban kid. My mom tried her best to provide my siblings and me enriching experiences that allowed us to grow as individuals. I think she was trying to counteract what my father was doing but my mom is problematic herself. I love her and I know she tried her best but I’m hurting from her trauma responses and I am learning how to forgive her and my dad for what they did. They refuse to be accountable. 

Age is nothing but a number and it certainly does not make you wise. 

I can only make myself happy. I have to teach my children how to do things for themselves and make themselves happy. Despite the fact that my emotional needs were not met as a child, I can learn how to manage my needs as an adult. I can love my inner child. I can love me. 

Another epiphany I had the other day is that I can still love someone and not be with them in a romantic capacity especially if we both have to work on ourselves. 

I have to work on myself. They have to work on themselves. 

I want to change the world and that’s possible if I believe in myself. I need to stand tall in who I am and allow myself to blossom. 

I want a house. I have goals for myself. I want to build a college fund for my children. I want to go back to school. I want a successful blog and podcast because I want to promote healing in other people. I want to heal. 

I genuinely want toxic people to get better because we shouldn’t operate from a world of trauma and hurt. We have to learn how to overcome that so we can heal the world and stop perpetuating generational trauma. 

[singlemominpiyamas-blog]

Where to start?

I have a lot to say but not a lot of people listen but I don’t care. I’m going to say it anyway. That’s the point of a blog. It’s an emotional dumping ground that people can consume if they wish. 

I’m pregnant and single during a global pandemic.

I’m scared and feel alone but I have felt this way for most of my life. TBH.  

No, I did not want to raise this child alone. I did not want to be alone. I wish I could make things work with my child’s father because I love him. I love who I thought he was but he’s not that person. 

I have made a lot of bad decisions based on unresolved trauma. It’s understandable but it’s not justifiable. 

I was with someone who is as broken as I me. We cannot be together because we both have mental health issues. I need to work on me. They need to work on themselves. I need to be single for a long time. I cannot trust. Trust is the basis of any healthy relationship thus I am not capable of having a healthy relationship for now.  

I have been in multiple domestic violence situations. I grew up in one. I struggle with PTSD every day. I struggle with my identity. I struggle with the day to day. I struggle with loneliness. I struggle with ever feeling loved even though I have plenty of friends who tell me they love me. ALL. OF. THE. TIME. 

I am loved but I have trouble believing it. I have trust issues. 

Sometimes when people say they love me, it hurts. I cannot fathom I am worth their time. I am so angry. I have trouble accepting that a majority of my family could care less about my existence. They only care about having some type of access to my children but they forget that I remember. 

I remember how my parents and other relatives used my siblings and me as pawns to manipulate story lines, mimicking and mirroring generational trauma. 

My parents have unresolved trauma issues. I can forgive them from afar but they’re intelligent. One is a doctor. The other works for a public school system who had dreams of achieving a Masters degree. 

My parents are prideful. I am a disappointment to them. I let them down. They double down on their parenting mistakes because they reinforce misogyny. They reinforce machismo. They cannot accept that they never made me feel loved and, now as an adult, I struggle loving myself because I was not given the proper foundation of self love. 

If I have an idea of the damage my parents have done and not to do the same to my children at 28. I know they know that they did me wrong at 54. If they don’t by now, they seriously lack introspection and have no right to be in my life.

That’s what accountability and boundaries look like and if someone cannot admit their mistakes, they are not going to change. They will never apologize to you. If they were not there for you during your darkest nights, they will not be there for you on your brightest days.

CUT. TOXIC. PEOPLE. OUT. OF. YOUR. LIFE. 

I’m a white Latina. I am a legacy of broken history, illusions and hidden truths. 

Half. Ass. Truths. 

There’s so much infidelity in my family. Cousins talk. We learn from the brokenness. There is so much fear. 

There is so much trauma and, as the oldest daughter of a broken marriage, I carry the brunt of the burden and hurt. I am learning that I have to be there for myself. There is not a soul who will be there for me. I have to be there for myself. I have to focus on myself.  

What does it matter if it feels like I’m screaming into a void? I’ve been doing it for most of my life and I want to believe my existence matters. I’m starting this blog to reach the people it needs to because you’re not alone. 

You’re not the only one making mistakes. You’re not the only black sheep. You’re not the only person who feels unloved because you were raised in a family that made you think that you deserved to be ostracized for not fitting into a cultural or societal mold. 

People love to make women with multiple baby daddies feel so small. We are preyed on by people looking to exploit desperation. We are used. We are easily manipulated because most of us have been abused. Most of us are pressured to be in relationships because “it looks good.” Most of us have daddy issues and that’s OK. It’s OK as long as you are getting help. Please, get help. Therapy and journaling do wonders for your mental health. 

You get to see patterns in real time. 

Don’t wait until it’s too late. Get help. 

You will get through this.