sleeplessinpnw - Tumblr blog

[sleeplessinpnw]

Good morningggg

Just got back from my psych appointment. It went pretty well. I realy like my psychiatrist. She seems like she would be fun to hang out with outside of the work area. She's always really helpful and insightful on things. She made me feel better when she told me that she didn't use her first degree. She made the comment that she was slightly checked out and going through things so she would do whatever was the easiest way out which I related to tremendously. To be fair, I was going through a lot of mental changes with the development of my schizophrenia at the time so we had very differrent things going on but I related non the less.

I think I want to go back to school. I don't know what for... I need to find something that strikes my interest. She suggested woofing which is a farming opportunity. You travel with all expenses paid for in exchange for working a few hours a day. I think I might look into it. She also thinks I would be a good peer advisor with a place like Cascadia. Options!! I'm nervous about working with people but maybe it would be good for me. Learning how to talk to people who also have mental illness who need someone to work with. I just need to become a morning person and then I would be set! lol

Still need to find a new therapist. Apparently my most recent therapist takes OHP which is awesome. It would be nice to still get to work with her. I would have to do video appointments though because she's not in the city anymore. After this post, I'm going to look into it more.

On a side note un related to mental health stuff, I'm making pizza for breakfast lol. I need to return a pair of shorts I bought for my trip to St. Croix to target but I didn't want to take the freeway so I came home and started chores instead. Decided the frozen pizza I had in the freezer sounded good. It's 11 now though, people totally eat lunch at 11.

I'm so nervous for this trip. I hope my energy and mental health hold up while meeting all of my relatives. I've been so sluggish these days. I want to make a good impression since it's probably going to be one of the only times I meet some of them. A lot of talking is about to happen and I'm sooo nervous. I havent been my normal chatty self this past year. At least I wont make weird comments about voodoo anymore. I hope that word doesn't even come up during the trip. UGH lol still recovering from that. I am still chugging along and trying to be a better person. Burned a lot of connections and what not. ANYWAY.

Going to google search some stuff now from my appointment. Hopefully I'm drawn to some of it. Who knows, maybe woofing or a job through the government will be what sparks my next adventure. Hmmmm.

[sleeplessinpnw]

Dear dad,

I still can't believe it's been 20 years since you passed. I've lived 2 decades without you. Wow.

I wish you were here. I want to be able to hear your voice and see your face again.

It's weird to say that I don't remember what it's like to have 2 parents.

Mom's been doing a wonderful job. She is a wonderful mom and works hard in order to support us.

I wonder what life would be like with you here. How different my life would be if that accident never happened. How different all of our lives would be.

Things have been hard mentally. It's been challenging getting my feet back on the ground. I think I do an amazing job acting like things are better than they are when I'm in public and with others. Mom is the only one who knows the truth. But she say's I've changed a lot for the good and that makes me feel a sense of relief.

Anyway, just wanted to say hi. I love you so much.

[sleeplessinpnw]

My body hurts. I've been doing yard work and painting out at Randy's. They have been making me feel better. I hope that they will be able to make amends with James. I won't get involved or in the middle of that though. It's just nice to have a work out and to be outside all day.

I wish I could work with animals. Or something. Away from people. Maybe I should get a job with UPS. I dunno. Gotta start searching. Maybe I can do that in the airport. I'm not bringing my computer though. I don't want to lose it. Maybe I should bring my DS lol. To St Croix.

I'm having a better day today. I'm excited to leave Oregon for a week. I'm gonna miss my cat but I will survive. I'm happy that I will have a little bit of cash from working out at Randy's. I hope he's enjoying having me back. I think he is.

Tomorrow is my moms birthday. I wish I was a baller so I could buy her amazing things. Yayyyy being poor!! (sarcasm). I aspire to have a high paying job at some point but what the fuck do I do?!? I guess I could go back to school for graphic design. I don't really want to but it's a thought.

I don't really know what to say other than that tonight. I'm tired. Going to try and catch some zzz's. <3

[sleeplessinpnw]

My body hurts. I hate being schizophrenic. I remember when my life was clear and I was healthy. I was social, I would go out with friends all the time, I had a better reputation, I was NoRmAL....

I've been having a hard time with my body. My head is a disaster. I'm on so many meds and have been now for close to a year. They've changed my life around. But they wont be able to undo the weird stuff I was getting into when I was completely off the deep end. I've made it through so many challenges this year. I've battled being lonely and depressed every single day since last August. I completely went coo coo for coco puffs and was so public about it on my social media where I had over 700 followers. I was saying some pretty weird stuff. I freaked some people out and got annoying to others.... that's for sure. I made a fool of myself and am afraid to go to places I use to go frequently. I fell into such a deep depressed state while hearing voices and destroyed so much of my personal possessions. I miss all of my rave clothes!! I fell into this belief that going to raves ruined my life but it was just my mental health. But that's the community that saw a lot of my posts and unhealthy behavior and ever since my birthday last year I literally sabotaged all of my going out clothing and rave wigs/bodysuits/jewlery/etc because I thought it would make me feel better. Fuck it. When I did it, I was WASTED and on cough Nyquil. I was a wreck. My birthday is i a week and I'm in a better place but I miss my fucking things. And I have no money to replace any of it. Nore am I even going to edm shows and festivals at the moment. I destroyed a really fun and pretty part of me. I use to be so skinny and sparkley and fun. What happened to me!? Will I ever make a come back?? Who knows.... WHY AM I EVEN GOING OFF ABOUT THIS!? Ugh.

It's late and I need to be up in the morning but I'm wide awake and writing my feelings is all I want to do.

I have no hobbies. I feel like I'm never going to have a fucking relationship with a cute boy. I feel like a loser, that's for sure. I don't do anything when I'm home alone. I hardly ever feel like listening to music or watching tv. Is it my depression?? Fuck it. UGH!! And all I do these days is just wait for my mom to get home so I can kick it with her. But now she has a boyfriend and she spends all her time with him. I like him though. I'm not mad at him or anything, I just miss having more alone time with my mom. All she does is talk about him and her co workers anyways. It's draining but I tolerate it because she's in a happier place compared to last year. When I was a hot mess.

Will I ever find a job that pays well that isn't food industry? I'm going to start applying for new jobs after St. Croix. My mom and I are super broke so.... Idk what that trip is going to be like and I already am preparing myself for my mom talking about how broke we are when the trip is over. Oh, AND my car needs a new battery UGHHHH Car stuff always happens at the worst time possible. Anyway, back to the job situation. I just feel like I wasn't mentally stable enough to have any job for awhile. Then being unemployed for so long instigated more of my depression to amplify. And now.... I have a shitty resume and I don't want to be a server but I have No IdEa what's ever out there for me..... that will even pay more than minimum wage. I have friends who have steady jobs. I literally like.... never see Tara anymore and Kayla has been going through stuff and hasn't been hanging out as much. But I don't even have money to do anything anyways. I keep thinking about Nichelle and Sarah which is sad LOL. Like.... I feel like a failure compared to all of these people and I want to be successful in something. But WHAT!?! I still am technically employed with Sol.... Buut lets be real, I hated it anyway and need a more steady job that isn't just folding clothes for 8 hours a day. Maybe I should apply for UPS.... I've head they are good to work for. UGH. I'm gonna try and go to bed now. Mr. Man wont get out of my lap and I have to be at Randy's tomorrow at 10 which means I gotta wake up around 8:30. So..... until next time!

[sleeplessinpnw]

Dear dad,

I miss you. I feel like writing to you and wish that I could share words with you in person again.

You've been gone for 20 years now. I can't believe it. Time really flies by these days. I'm about to turn 30 and it always pains me that I will never be able to share a cold pint of beer with you. Share more laughs. Share more moments together. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you. I'm numb to it now. I've cried many times about you. I wont ever be able to accept what happened on that day 20 years ago. I didn't even know the full truth about your death until college. Mom kept it from me. To protect me.... in case you're wondering, it bothered me and still does.

How are you? I miss you. I miss your laugh. I miss your company. I miss you playing the guitar. I guess you could sum it up and just know that I miss everything about you. The hardest part to admit is that.... with how much time has gone by and with how young I was when you left us.... things have faded. I wish I had more memories with you. I wish I had more time with you. I wish I could hold you in my arms again. I lost the teddy bear you gave to me the last valentines day we shared together. It had your hand writing on it. You gave it to me in the parking lot of Madeline.....

I'm sorry I sold you MTG cards..... It's funny how material possessions mean so much to us. Oh, I'm sorry I didn't scatter your ashes in a better place. UGH. I'm sorry that I don't talk to your friends as much as I should to keep in touch. I haven't been well.... And it kills me to think about what you would think about me now. Would you be embarrassed? Mad at my actions while unmedicated? Hurt? Fuck....

Mom has a boyfriend now. I mean, you had a girlfriend during your time of passing. Mom literally hasn't been in a relationship since you. 20 years. You may have split up but... she really loves you. She's happy with her boyfriend and it makes me happy. But it makes emotions surface that I don't feel comfortable talking about. I'm not use to having a father figure anymore. It feels weird. To hear them laugh and talk in her bedroom. It use to be you. I haven't heard another voice with her in that room since you....

I'm schizophrenic. It's been a really hard journey. I burned a lot of bridges because of how sick I became. Started believing in the voices in my head after years of battling them unmedicated. Started freaking people out. I thought a cult was after me. I thought I was targeted with voodoo. I posted about it all the time on instagram. It got bad. I'm doing better now. I just dont.... talk to anyone anymore. I've been rebuilding my life slowly..... I don't have a real job still.... I think you would be disappointed in me.... I lost the colors in my head and don't want to be an artist anymore but that's all I use to be good at. Needless to say, I'm pretty lost at 30 years old. I'm sorry for fucking up. It's been really hard. I think about what my old ex friends are doing with their lives versus me and it makes me feel like shit. I go to therapy but... Idk.... it helps a little. Only time and being medicated and meeting new people who were un involved with seeing my crumbling apart to mental illness will help.

I wonder what you would think of me.... I wonder what our relationship would be if you were still alive. I wonder what influence you would have on me compared to mom. I don't remember everything about you..... I'm sorry. I got mad at you and destroyed your picture. I took down your memorial in our hallway for about a year. It's on our mantle now. I just can't believe you got behind the wheel that night. It changed so many peoples lives. I have a hard time crying these days, but writing this is helping.

I'm mad. I'm sad. I'm confused. I'm hurt in so many places. And now I'm legally a crazy person with my mental illness. I don't have a job with a future and money. FUCK! A part of me thinks that if you were apart of my life after grade school that something different would have happened. I'll never have that time, ya know?? I want you to be here! I need you. No man will ever fill your shoes. Not that anyone is going to try. But.... I lost a part of me when I lost you. I lost another part of me when I started forming my schizophrenia. I want my dad back. But I want it to be like from the times before you and mom had problems and split up. I would do anything to go back in time and fix it. I guess there's a part of me that hasn't let go of that.

Well.... This hasn't been the most positive letter.... I'm hoping this is going to be the first of many. I have this idea that if I write you letters from now on that it will help me feel closer to you again. Idk.... not that you would feel so great hearing everything I wrote in this letter..... I just miss you and life is hard. I feel like it will be a way to talk to you even if you aren't here.... I want to feel you in my arms so badly it hurts. I wish I could smell you and hear you.

Until next time,

Sophie <3

[sleeplessinpnw]

It's been awhile since I last posted. Thought I would make a life update post.

The summer is finally creeping up on us. It's May now and the warm weather is in full play. I'm so happy!! In a different place these days. Well... kind of. Until I'm put into a stressful situation. But for the most part, my depression has been a little less intense and I'm just feeling.... good. In a good mood today.

Going to St. Croix for my birthday in June and for aunt Barbaras memorial. I didn't know her very well, but I feel happy to be able to be with family during the occasion. About to meet a lot of cousins! I hope I will be able to remember names. Been trying to budget shopping for clothes to go. It hit me last night that I have tons of tees and some tank tops. I guess I mostly need comfortable bottoms and shorts to wear. GAINED WEIGHT!! Nothing old fits anymore. Going to hold onto some things though just in case my weight comes off. With my lifestyle habits, I have no idea when that will be happening. Just ordered a jump rope in hopes to at least get some cardio in since I hate running. Going to the store later today in hopes of getting healthier food. I do nooootttt know how to eat healthy apparently. I eat a lot of quesadillas and carbs so.... Going to try and cut back and eat salads. I don't even think my salads are healthy lol but better than canned food and mac n cheese.

I started vaping and 80 bucks later, I think it's time to quit. Obviously that's the smartest idea. Idk.... I'm trying not to smoke weed anymore and it gets hard when I'm use to smoking everyday. So whyyyyy a vape?? Nicotine is worse but it doesnt trigger the voices I hear. Weed does. I need to learn how to be sober and happy. I just.... get bored?? I'm awful!! Lol

Work is on hold for right now. I've been on break for now 2 and a half weeks. Still have money in my account but obviously that isn't going to last forever. Just trying to keep myself in a steady mood while I'm back to doing nothing. At least the sun is out. I can sit in the backyard and take in my surroundings. Trying not to drink at the moment as much because of my weight. But I dont need to always drink in the sun, it just makes it fun. Go figure. Anyway, I need to start applying for jobs again. I've been holding off because 1) I'm suppose to hear back from Sol for when they need more help again 2) St Croix is in two weeks and I feel like it would be hard to start a new position and then leave for a week 3) I'm still going to try and get a job with Premier Press and Q told me to wait and apply the end of June, beginning of July.

Therapy has been going well. I enjoy my sessions for the most part with my therapist. She's very sweet and I think I have made large progress since first starting. August is going to be a very large moment for me because it will mark the 1 year anniversary since being hospitalized. I told my mom that it's important to me. I want to celebrate some how. August will never be the same for me. I still have things that I need to clean out of my room from my voodoo craze. I should do that today.... it would feel good. It's hard looking at the mess in the corner of my room but once it's gone I think that I wil feel better. I really did some damage on my belongings and Ashley's. I will never fully recover from my actions. Scars. But I am working on moving forward everyday. I went to Mackenzies bridal shower yesterday and being in that community was SO HARD. I made it though. It's just weird being around parts of her world because the voices weirdly attached to it and it's humiliating to be around her. She was beyond sweet to me though and it felt good celebrating her for the evening.

Well.... thats kind of all the update I have. I'm going to try and check in with myself here more regularly. Cheers to bettering my mental well being, being strong and powering through all of this and getting better. I got this! Life keeps going on and is too short to keep beating myself up. Lot's of self love (minus the vaping BS).

[sleeplessinpnw]

Update

Depressed but hanging i there.

I bought a vape today. And go figure, all I can think about is how bad they are for my body. I've had it for less than 24 hours and have already refilled the juice 3 times... I dont even know if that normal or not.... but my lungs probably hate me.

I got a job.... Embroidery Shop..... I dont really like it but because I've been in such a slump its fine for now. I need to get some air pods or something so I can listen to music while I work.

Going to apply for a print shop soon.

Need to be journaling for therapy... been busy with work now so I keep forgetting. When I do remember, I dont really feel like grabbing my journal.

I dont really know what will make me happy. I need more friends that get me. Tried to invite some friends over today, but no one replied... so that felt great. Not even a response to say they were busy... That kind of sucked...

[sleeplessinpnw]

I'm having a really hard time. Nothing makes me happy and I feel so stuck in life. I am in a constant mood of hating who I am and the things in my life. I never want to hang out with my friends and its only creating more distance. I just dont like the conversations that come up? I dont even know!! But I do. Jobs. Like... money. It has to do with money and jobs. But conversation? Not vibing the way I use to.... I havent been in a good place and I don't feel comfortable sharing everything with them because they won't get it. Mental illness. I'm struggling everyday because of mental illness and sometimes I'm not looking for suggestions and shit. And.... WHAT IS IT!?!? I can't figure it out but I just need something to happen. I feel like I'm never going to figure out my life and get a job. I'm stuck and stranded. I feel judged and I'm tired of hanging out with my mom. In fact, all she does is talk about the guy she's seeing and hang out with him and I care but I don't need to hear about it all the time. And I'm lonely and at the same time I dont want to be around anyone. And on top of that, I'm breaking out in acne every day of my life.

I like hanging out with Freya. Even though I listen to her talk about boys 85% of the time. But not.... I think because were in the same boat with jobs.... I feel less uncomfortable around her. I wish we did more than watch movies but I know that if I brought a game or something over that she would be down to play with me.

Literally while typing that out, Freya called me about a threesome proposition. LOLLLLL It took me out of my mood a little bit. Now I dont feel like blogging this. SEE!!!! Her randomosity helps me. She helps me. Like.... some of the stuff we talk about can get heavy but theres something about Freya that helps me. I've known her my whole life. Okay..... I'm done for now and am going to figure out my 30th birthday......

[sleeplessinpnw]

Refracted Light - 230131

[sleeplessinpnw]

[sleeplessinpnw]

I'm sad and feel like a failure. That's all. Good night.

[sleeplessinpnw]

lol

[sleeplessinpnw]

Today is a New Day

Just poured myself a glass of wine.

Still anxious about the frames.

Going to get tipsy and play spy fox. Whoopieeee.

Just left Freya house. She kept saying that she's 32 and still acts like a kid and welp.... she isn't alone!! Lol She binge watches cartoons, I play spy fox. We're all in this together.

I am sooooo anxious about these stupid frames!! What if they don't like themmmmmm ughhhhhhhh!!!!!! I need halp. This wine can only do so much.

Mr. Man is on my lap. I kind of don't want him here because I want to play computer games but... he's too cute and cuddled up.

I wish life felt normal. I can't shake how I feel ever. I am coming out of a dark place. Once the summer comes around and I can officially say that I have been on meds for a year and have been doing good.... I think I will feel better.

[sleeplessinpnw]

NERVES

I have knots all up inmy stomache and my heart feels like it's being gripped.

I am working for my aunt and she had me get some paintings framed and I can't shake the feeling that they aren't the right frames. SO STUPID, I KNOW! But she likes everything to be very particular and I can't stop thinking about it.

And then my mom brought up my neighbors and they are the ones who got especially weirded out by my instagram hiatus and I CANT STOP THINKING ABOUT IT.

I'm exhausted. But wide awake. And very haunted by everything right now. I took a CBD gummy in hopes that it will calm me down a little bit.

I'm debating about playing spy fox a little bit, but I never feel like an adult these days and don't want to because Im tired of feeling like a child... and its a game for children lol.

I wish I had a friend in person that I felt comfortable talking to about my schizophrenia.... I have friends that I am comfortable opening up to, but it feels weird saying out loud to people that I use to feel like something else could control my hands and body. My instagram situation wasn't me, but that doesnt make sense. But.... to me it does.... I dunno....

The Ingrid Michaelson cover of Creep has been playing through my head and combined with my memories of being un medicated.... equals depression. A lot of weird emotions. Anyway..... I'm gonna try and fall asleep again..... yay...

[sleeplessinpnw]

Still Job Hunting....

I'm in a decent mood at the moment (key words, at the moment). I am feeling still pretty low bout where I am in life, however I am happy and patiently job hunting. I have A LOT of nerves that revolve around getting back into the working world. I have been pretty healthy the past few months, but I still am haunted by how bad everything got in the end. I still feel weird putting a foot back into the rest of society.

I had so many delusions. And I acted out with them so many times that a lot of attention was drawn to myself and my health. It's embarrassing to say the least. But I was in a VERY different mind set then. That's why it's so scary to think about re immersing myself. My mom is helping take care of me at the moment, so I am fine but.... it feels weird and I am extremely insecure about myself now. I use to exude so much confidence. I loved dressing up weird and wearing lots of make up and dancing. Today, however, just being alone and in my living room is comforting. I look forward to when I am my goofy and outgoing self again. It's going to take some time.

I wonder what my first job coming out of this will be other than helping out my aunt and working for my brothers dad. The good news is that I have family looking out for me who are willing to help. :)

THANK GOD.

Dont even get me started about my dying grandma. Oh my god, it's ALL OF US!! We aren't greedy but.... what she leaves us in her will is definitely going to help every one of us tremendously. Anyway.... That is if we even are in her will. This conversation is a disease that spreads through us all. Me, being mentally ill and having a hard time coming out of my shell again, really would be pleased to inherit something right now. It would relieve so much stress. BUT!!! That is greedy (a little bit) and I want to be a kind hearted person so realistically I hope my grandma lives to the fullest of her potential. WHich is pretty impressive because she's definitely getting there.... if you know what I mean. She turns like.... 92 or something this year. Her memory is getting worse but she seems content and has 24/7 help by her side in her home. Anyway.... enough of that.

I hope that I find a job that stands out to me that seems like a good fit where I wont run into too many people. You would be surprised how small this city feels after growing up in it. I want a job that's laid back, part time and somewhere comforting enough to where I wont be overwhelmed along with balancing my life on my meds and my appointments. Here's to new beginnings!

[sleeplessinpnw]

Hiring Event

I have decided that I am going to a Moda Center hiring event. I'm so nervous LOL

That area is HELL! Parking, getting there from my house. I already am having annoyed feelings about getting there soooo.... Fuck. However, I'm gonna drive out there early and check it out. It sounds like I would get hired pretty instantly. I really dont wanna do a cashier job though. I would rather be behind the scenes so I am going to go and cross my fingers that behind the scenes is what I will get. I know someone working the fair event thingy so I'm just going to look for them.

If I work here, I will see everyone. So..... IDK!!! Waiting for my mom to call me back from work. Again, it wont hurt to go out and scope it down. And maybe when I meet some of the other people there, it will ease some of my feelings. Also, if it's Moda it would mean that I work nights. And realistically how often.... would..... I run into people.... I know..... yikes lol a dangerous game to play.

I think a job would be healthy and this seems pretty temporary. Because it would be like basketball games and stuff. I want the behind the scenes job that Isa is talking about. I'm worried Im going to get a cashier job lol

I can just see me dreading walking in the rain to work. LOL I hope I find parking areas. Maybe I should get a bus pass. I think I can do this. I wont like getting there ever anyway. Just like any job..... maybe this is where I should stop myself and assess what I'm doing..... It would look good on a resume and I can do it. I need stuff to do and I can face the challenges.

I wish someone with good advice would come into my life.