sleppur - Tumblr blog

[sleppur]

i’m having a really hard time right now. i have been getting triggered. i keep wondering what the point of being clean for over nine years has been when it feels this bad. part of me wonders what would happen if i break my clean streak. i’ve always expected it to happen at some point. but i don’t know if i will regret it or not. maybe i need someone to talk me out of a relapse. i just can’t stop the way my head is right now and it hurts so much.

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overloaded.

my depression is firing at all cylinders right now and i'm struggling to control it.

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i’m sorry to i’ve been hurting myself. i’m sorry you might have just found out. i’m sorry i had a panic attack over the thought that you might now know the truth about me. i’m sorry for who i am. i know it’s not good enough. i am trying. i’m sorry.

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i'm okay, but maybe not.

massive trigger warning.

re: suicide.

my brain isn’t functioning at full capacity. and i keep thinking of jumping off a damn bridge. i won’t do it, i know that. but i keep wondering what if. i’ve even dreamt about it. i don’t even want to jump, but just want to know what would happen. i don’t have it in me to do more than my basic functions. there are metro lines in montréal. will i think of jumping on the tracks there too? i did throughout europe, with no intention of doing so. it’s not even about the bridge. i wonder how cold the water will be. will i panic in the darkness as i plunge below, as i’d do it at night? would i actually die or just be bruised, maybe have some broken bones, and somehow find my way to shore? would i leave a note in a ziplock bag so i can be identified? there are so many questions i have. and i swear, i don’t want to die. the more i read these words, the more problematic they become. but i'm fine, sure. at least i think i am. but then again, maybe i'm not. i don't know anymore.

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novo amor - first place

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i hate that this happens.

today got really hard and i hate that it did. one thing happened not according to plan and everything turned on its head. i was immediately a mess of crying and shaking. i wanted to just shut down and not deal with anymore of today. this is all because of one stupid food related thing. and i hate that i get this way when normal people don't have to worry this much. most of the time they'd just pivot and move on. but no, not me. i feel like the worst person for feeling and reacting this way. i don't want to get unconsolably upset every time something with food happens adversely to what i expect. i wish my mind wasn't so messed up. i want it all to quiet down for a while.

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i already know i’m terrible person. no need to remind me.

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headspace right before a trip is not good. i don’t know how much my more my mind can take.

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i’m going through it right now and it’s not good.

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nine years.

i missed my anniversary as i was working for six days in a row. but, last sunday was nine years of not cutting myself. i’ve come quite close a few times and unfortunately still deal with self harm in other ways. but this one thing is a feat, i think. i know next year might feel more important as that is a decade, but i figured i’d share this news somewhere. let’s hope i make it to next year, as even when it gets dark in my mind, i still want to.

[sleppur]

i need to get out of my head for a while.

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i tried to go outside today. i was out for too long and my anxiety heightened so quickly. i dissociated the entire way home, hoping to speed up time. i have been stuck inside ever since. i have work in the morning and was almost considering starting later or switching shifts because i feel so bad right now.

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hippo campus – epitaph (live at youtube space nyc)

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terrible person alert.

spoiler: it's me.

i tried to eat food, then my brain wanted to reject it, so i did.

also i've not broken my clean streak but i've lately been self-destructing.

so yeah, things aren't great here.