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i'm leaving in a few days to work in south africa for the next month and a half. i haven't been back in ten years, when i was working on this same project. i work in admin and media for teachers across borders - southern africa (tabsa). i get some time in vancouver, bc and switzerland before heading to the southern hemisphere. south africa is home to me. my father grew up there. i am ready to do something else for a bit, get my mind to be elsewhere.

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i am terrified.

i tried a food i've never tried, despite the fact that my best mate reassured me over and over that it was safe and just like a few other foods i've eaten. i even did my own research and knew logically it would be okay. but in the lead up to eating the food, i was in panic mode. i hate that my brain is running away at full speed. i. just need to breathe, because it will be okay even if my head says otherwise.

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by stefie

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clean: ten years.

i haven’t written on here in quite a bit. at least not in long form. i haven’t been in a great headspace in a while. my depression and anxiety have been getting to me more than i’d like to admit. i’ve been overly obsessing about things and certain compulsions i do have gone into overdrive. i am not pleased with this state i am in but i am stuck. i know some of it is my own doing. i am just living in this existence wondering where the time has gone.

but in speaking of time, as long as i make it through today (which i will), then tomorrow is my ten year anniversary clean of cutting. that is a massive one. an entire decade has passed. it doesn’t mean i haven’t self-harmed since, just that i haven’t done that in ten years. it is so weird to think about. i was sure i would’ve relapsed many times in the years past. i know if someone knew how i still sometimes self-harmed they would think i didn’t make it ten years, but in how i see cutting itself, i have not resorted to that at all.

i don’t know how i feel about all this. i assumed i should feel relieved. i thought i was supposed to be celebratory about this, as if it is some accomplisment. which, don’t get me wrong, i understand it is an achivement. that is not an understatement, as ten years is a long time. but with my mental health the way it’s been, i don’t feel much more than weird about this entire thing. but i figured that i should say something because i am still trying to survive in this life and get through it the best i can.

sorry my presence on here has declined massively over the years. i just don’t have it in me as much anymore. but i am popping in every now and then to check in, to say that i am still existing, moving forward. i hope you’re all well or at least trying to be.

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everything hurts all the time.

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existing is hard.

this is hard at the moment. i can't help but ruminate over every single thing. one thing i do now reminds me of something i did in the past and then my head starts spiralling. it all leads to my head just knowing how bad of a person i am. and i just know everyone else sees it too but won't say it to my face. it'd be easier if they'd all tell me the truth about how horrible i am. it's hard enough ruining my own life and knowing about it.

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by anna-elina lahti

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i’m obsessing over obsessing. i keep noticing things that i do that are less and less normal. my mind is running in circles and i can’t keep up. i’m noticing just how long this has been going on. i’m wondering if i’ve been denying it or just assuming it was attributed to one of the other many problems i have.

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i’m having a really hard time right now. i have been getting triggered. i keep wondering what the point of being clean for over nine years has been when it feels this bad. part of me wonders what would happen if i break my clean streak. i’ve always expected it to happen at some point. but i don’t know if i will regret it or not. maybe i need someone to talk me out of a relapse. i just can’t stop the way my head is right now and it hurts so much.

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overloaded.

my depression is firing at all cylinders right now and i'm struggling to control it.

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i’m sorry that i’ve been hurting myself. i’m sorry you might have just found out. i’m sorry i had a panic attack over the thought that you might now know the truth about me. i’m sorry for who i am. i know it’s not good enough. i am trying. i’m sorry.

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i'm okay, but maybe not.

massive trigger warning.

re: suicide.

my brain isn’t functioning at full capacity. and i keep thinking of jumping off a damn bridge. i won’t do it, i know that. but i keep wondering what if. i’ve even dreamt about it. i don’t even want to jump, but just want to know what would happen. i don’t have it in me to do more than my basic functions. there are metro lines in montréal. will i think of jumping on the tracks there too? i did throughout europe, with no intention of doing so. it’s not even about the bridge. i wonder how cold the water will be. will i panic in the darkness as i plunge below, as i’d do it at night? would i actually die or just be bruised, maybe have some broken bones, and somehow find my way to shore? would i leave a note in a ziplock bag so i can be identified? there are so many questions i have. and i swear, i don’t want to die. the more i read these words, the more problematic they become. but i'm fine, sure. at least i think i am. but then again, maybe i'm not. i don't know anymore.

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novo amor - first place

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i hate that this happens.

today got really hard and i hate that it did. one thing happened not according to plan and everything turned on its head. i was immediately a mess of crying and shaking. i wanted to just shut down and not deal with anymore of today. this is all because of one stupid food related thing. and i hate that i get this way when normal people don't have to worry this much. most of the time they'd just pivot and move on. but no, not me. i feel like the worst person for feeling and reacting this way. i don't want to get unconsolably upset every time something with food happens adversely to what i expect. i wish my mind wasn't so messed up. i want it all to quiet down for a while.

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