sobbingoblin96

[sobbingoblin96]

I will always see the good in you until you show me the bad.

Don't take my effort, affection and love for granted cos it won't always be there.

[sobbingoblin96]

Mary Oliver, from “Hum Hum”, A Thousand Mornings

[sobbingoblin96]

I'm sitting on my ex's bed.

I told myself I'd stand my ground.

I told myself I'd be confident.

I told myself I wouldn't be swayed.

I told myself I wouldn't be seduced.

But.. I wasn't confident, I couldn't stand my ground, I was swayed and seduced.

They hurt me again, now I'm bleeding.

I wanted to cry, my skin was crawling but they knew how to get me into that headspace and they knew I'll do anything they ask when they call me their "Good Girl" and push every button correctly.

They got what they wanted. I feel used. I'm in pain.

I'm such a fucking joke, how did I let this happen to me again.

There's no love in any of this, it's not been said, nothing has been said really. They haven't apologised, they haven't said they love me, no explanation as to why they message me that they miss me. Nothing.

Why did I even come to get any of my things, why did I bother to put on a front and show up like I wasn't hurt at all and why do I keep letting them hurt me.

Yet I'm the one left feeling guilty.

I really hate myself at this moment. I know I was only acting the way I was to protect myself but I was still the one who got hurt in the end. I seriously hate that I am more flight than fight.

Why has this happened again. 😞

[sobbingoblin96]

must be nice to be able to let things go, unfortunately everything that has ever happened to me never leaves my mind

[sobbingoblin96]

So it's been a little while..

Since the complete mental breakdown, I think I'm slowly getting better, like the one day at a time getting better.

I haven't s*lf h*rmed since the last time, spoke to my therapist and I'm booked in for two more sessions.

It's not weird that I'm looking forward to my sessions, is it?

Talking about my mental health is getting easier, trusting is taking longer since the massive knock back but I now understand everything is going to take time.

The person who I thought loved me, contacted me again. Not fun.

They kindly kicked off the usual vicious cycle of upsets me, apologises, argues with me and then tries to win me over again.

They had the fucking audacity to ask if I wanted to start a new relationship with them, like wtf bro. You literally Sa'd me. Ew no.

Unfortunately they can't seem to leave me alone, fucking stupid if you ask me since they dumped me. Not the other way around.

Since they keep popping back up, even after they said they regret me and I'm the biggest mistake of their life, it's brought on flashbacks.

Again, Not Fun.

To the point, other people especially male friends who are being too friendly, flirty or just openly sexual towards me brings on the flashbacks.

As someone who was so open and open minded about sex/my sex life. the thought of any of it now, fucking repulses me. I occasionally have moments of weakness when a need has to be fulfilled but nothing to the extent I was comfortable with beforehand.

Now I'm learning to live again after what happened to me, trying to regain some of myself is hard especially those parts.

Speaking of regaining parts of myself, I understand that certain things in me died that day and others have died since then but it's not a bad thing I suppose, as I'm learning that I am forever changing.

The sexual parts of myself, I will find again when I'm in the right headspace and I know I can trust myself as well as future partners.

Not being so open about the part of me isn't bad either, it just means I'll show it to the right people and not everyone I know.

The immense amount of love I have in my heart too, I'm learning that I can't just give it away. I have to love myself too, somehow. It's something I'm working on.

I know this is extremely long but it feels good to just tell the void, you know, just getting it all out so it's not stored in the back of my head filling up useful space.

Space I tend to fill with skills, memories and other wonderful shit I intend to have in my life moving forward. Got to give myself a chance to do that, right? Now is probably that time.

I'm doing my best, whatever that looks like and I'm proud of myself.

[sobbingoblin96]

This year has fucking sucked.

It's taught me that my trauma is still very much there, it does and will affect me in every way it possibly can.

I went into a relationship thinking I knew and loved this wonderful person but he turned out to be a total stranger in the end.

I've been blamed for literally everything and can't tell you how many times he called me cruel, selfish and made me out to be a total monster.

And I thought I was truly loved? Ha. WRONG.

Should have learnt that after the physical damage he caused.

Now I've relapsed, I believe I am the monster he says I am and it's piled on to the trauma heap. It's like being 14 again, it's shit.

It's beginning to look like I am my trauma, no personality, no passion, no sense of self. Just trauma, really just a scared little girl who doesn't feel loved or worthy of anything.

Not to mention my body is failing itself, my brain literally doesn't fire properly.

With the new meds, diagnosis and constant testing. It's hard to process any of it.

Then there's the other organs in my body that, again, don't work properly.

All of this is so hard to deal with, all on my own and I can't tell anyone how I truly feel for the fear of judgement, shame and the possibility of having my life taken away from me.

I'm exhausted. Emotionally, physically and mentally burnt out.

All I do is sleep, cry and pretend I'm okay enough to get through the day.

For the first time, in a long time.

I just want to die.

But I can't, I have a person who needs me and they're the ONLY reason why I'm still alive.

I'm just so tired. So, so tired.

[sobbingoblin96]

(shaking my 14-year-old self) I was so mean to you but I love you, I love you, love you

[sobbingoblin96]

[sobbingoblin96]

It's hard to live life when you didn't think you'd make it to your current age.

I thought it would have been all over before the age of 18.

Instead, I'm here and I'm at a low I never thought I'd see again.

[sobbingoblin96]

Me, for the past 2 months straight.

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH

[sobbingoblin96]

[sobbingoblin96]

[sobbingoblin96]

[sobbingoblin96]

For the first time in 10+ years my mental health is so far gone I've started cvtting again.

Small patch, nothing major but just needed to feel something that wasn't all the current shit I'm going through.

So fucking tired of everything and what makes it worse, I thought I was getting better.

[sobbingoblin96]

[sobbingoblin96]

my favorite conspiracy theory is that they regret what they did to me