somewhereonlyweknow-of - Tumblr blog

[somewhereonlyweknow-of]

Highkey if Taylor Swift wrote a song from the perspective of a child of an alcoholic I would die.

And yes this is because I thought champagne problems was a fancy way of saying someone was an alcoholic

[somewhereonlyweknow-of]

Not me thinking that champagne problems was just a fancy way of saying someone is an alcoholic I-

[somewhereonlyweknow-of]

TW: Sexual Assault mentioned

‪I’ve seen so many “why did she wait so long to tell anyone she was sexually assaulted?” When it happened (I was about 7), I told adults and nothing happened- except that he did it again 20 minutes later. And I don’t typically block out memories but I blocked this one out for about 10 years‬. And my sexual assault was still what (compared to others’ sexual assault) I would consider quite mild. So don’t invalidate people for taking what you consider a long time to come out about it.

[somewhereonlyweknow-of]

Trigger warning: briefly mentions a suicide.

People ask me why I won’t drink, why I won’t go to parties, why I won’t try something just once and the truth is, it’s because of my dad. My dad is an emotionally abusive alcoholic, in his worst moments, he tore me down with him. I vowed to never be like him; but I know that there’s a genetic component to addiction AND an environmental one. His dad was an alcoholic and so was his brother. I’m so afraid of one sip, I’m afraid of becoming them, becoming the monster that I’ve spent my life trying to run away from. My relationship with my dad is a mess because of his alcoholism. I don’t foresee myself ever talking to my dad once I leave my house. This is a simple fact that is just there. It doesn’t pain me to think about the possibility of never talking to my dad again. Talking to him is what actually scares me. It’ll just be another chance to be ridiculed when I’m weak. In high school, his alcoholism became very bad, specifically in junior/senior year. Junior year was rough for me. If I messed up on my grades- even just a little I’d get increasingly agitated because I wouldn’t be perfect and I’d have ANOTHER thing for him to ridicule. I constantly overworked myself and if I did bad on a quiz in class, I’d typically wind up crying during it. It wasn’t because I cared so much about my grades but more so that I’d prove I was in fact worthless. Sometimes, I’d do bad on a quiz because I’d spent the night before talking my dad down/talking sense into him and I wouldn’t be able to study for that quiz as much as I’d wanted to. Still, I’d break down, even though it wasn’t really my fault. One of my teachers- I still think of them as one of my best (though MANY would disagree) would let me retake the quiz again because they knew that I worked hard consistently. They did this even though I wouldn’t tell them why I might’ve failed a quiz or what was going on in my life. In high school, I never really opened up to people (mostly not teachers/adults) because I didn’t want CPS to take me away or something (at least until I turned 18). My situation was livable, it was just not as ideal as those with 2 actual loving parents. (I do have one tho so I cannot complain). And the day after I found out my uncle committed suicide (not that I knew him really, but it was really just that I wanted to do that years prior and it made me sad that ANYONE could feel that way), again they, with no questions asked let me retake the quiz (bruh I did start crying hard that day tho oof). But I don’t know, something about how they made me feel like I was a human that could still learn in spite of what was happening, really helped me. They helped me gain confidence in myself and made learning not about studying for a grade, but just learning (no matter how late) how to do something. I think it’s crazy what an impact people can have on your life because they helped make my junior year much better than it generally would’ve been. My dad’s alcoholism affected me in senior year a lot too but I was taking a lot of electives so I’d just kind of nap in those classes and just get by in some of my other classes. Now that I’m in college, he has less to pick on me about because I got a job, I drive, and I still try to work hard in my classes (college is hard asl tho).

[somewhereonlyweknow-of]

I need to find a guy with a last name that starts with D and marry him, then have a kid with him and name them Sunny so that my kid’s nickname could be Sunny D

[somewhereonlyweknow-of]

Invalidating your own experiences

I invalidate my own experiences because when life is good and things aren’t going awry, I just think i was being over dramatic before.

So here’s to trying to change that by rewiring my brain.

[somewhereonlyweknow-of]

He reaches for his bottle of ‘water’ again

He’s so used to it, it doesn’t burn anymore

Says it takes away his pain, rather than causing it

I felt a burn too, back when he’d first started

But just like him, I’ve grown numb as he throws back another one

[somewhereonlyweknow-of]

The Little Things

It was a warm summer’s night and my twin brother and I were walking on the boardwalk to get something to eat. “Ooo! Ryan, look bubbles!” I say a bit louder than he’d prefer.

“Stop, Sarah, I swear you’re so annoying. Bubbles aren’t that interesting and you’re 17 years old. You’re so childish and immature.” He commented like usual.

“Oh well, at least I don’t try to bring down people when they’re happy. You’re such a downer!” I exclaimed. Nearly a second later, I was excited yet again, “Oh look, they have free samples! And so do they!” I said running over to get free donuts and pretzels.

When I came back to him smiling, he remarked, “Seriously, Sarah? That stuff is so unhealthy for you!”

“Oh shut up! I’m going to die one day anyways,” I said shrugging him off, after all he’s a fitness nut and loves telling everyone the little nutritional value that’s present in everything. Then, I sang in my always horrible singing voice, “All you’re ever gonna be is mean.”

He rolled his eyes at me. “Sometimes you’re too happy.”

In reality though, in years past I hadn’t always been happy. Years prior, I used to disguise myself as this happy and childish person because I figured, maybe someday I could see the light that was alive in the world. In my darkest times, I would think back to better times and look forward to the tiniest of things, just to keep myself alive. Because back then, I needed even the tiniest reason to live. I honestly decided to live because I was the only one who was able to get the Christmas tree down from the attic. I decided that after Christmas, I’d live to put the tree back into the attic. Then, I decided to live because I hadn’t had the most amazing pretzel I’d ever had in a few months. I’d focus on little reasons that made me want to live on. Bubbles bring joy to me because they remind me of how delicate we all are, but how beautiful we can be. The little things in life should make us happy because sometimes, we don’t have the bigger things to make us happy. Sometimes, all we have is a gorgeous sunset or the ability to see your favorite color or to hear the calming sound of the rain hit the ground. Sometimes, it feels like we have nothing, but really we just don’t see how many gifts we really have. It took a long time for me to find the light in the world, but eventually I did. Now, I try to not only be part of that light, but to realize that the tiniest things in life, are the most precious and the most abundant.

(*Names were changed for anonymity)