spellboundshadow

[spellboundshadow]

Stop Learning Tarot Cards Like Flash Cards (You’re Better Than That)

One thing I’ve noticed as I’ve started teaching tarot cards to other people is that they have a tendency to think that every card has an individual meaning and it is their duty to memorize 78 complex sets of meanings before they can begin reading for others. 

That’s simply not true. 

It’s also incredibly inefficient and totally kneecaps you when you move on to learn another deck (and try memorizing ANOTHER 78 complex sets of meanings). Cards exist in relation to one another. Understanding those relationships lets you remember meanings quicker, better understand how cards in a spread might be connected, and give much smoother readings. 

If you’re learning Tarot for the first time or looking to bush up, here’s my advice after reading cards for 10 years. Please, learn from my mistakes.  Tarot is a language

In the same way you learn letters and string them into words and then string words into sentences to communicate, tarot is a language you learn so your intuition can communicate more fully with you and others. And like a language, it’s often best to start with the phrases that you’ll use the most. 

Practice: Go through your deck and pick out no more than 12 cards that are really calling to you and look up those meanings. Write them down if you’re up for it. Go through your deck and pick out no more than 12 cards that give you a feeling of unease and do the same. Notice any reoccurring symbols?

 Tarot is a story

How you understand that story may vary on your tradition, your experience level, your aims. Most standard Tarot decks follow the Fool’s Journey through the Major Arcana as he becomes more skilled and then more enlightened. A similar pattern can be seen in each of the suits. The Court Cards are less narrative in my opinion but a similar progression can be seen. 

Practice: Take out each of the suits one at a time and lay them out in a row. Read the meanings of each card and see how the story progresses. Write down a summary. Do the same with each of other suits’ courts and the major arcana.

Tarot is a system

You aren’t fluent until you know the language well enough to speak smoothly and in most situations. Similarly, it takes understanding Tarot at a high level to give the best quality readings and read without a book. No card exists in isolation and just like when they show up in a reading, you must read them in relation to the rest of the spread - it helps a lot to know them in relation to the rest of the deck. 

Practice: Lay every card in your deck out like this (pardon my bad MSPaint job). Major Arcana up top and Court Cards off to the right and all the numbers lined up with the Fool and World left hanging. Pick one of the cards that resonated with you in the first exercise and look at how it relates to all the other cards in the deck. If it’s the 8 of Pentacles, what do the other 8′s look like and speak to? What do 8 (Strength) and 18 (the Moon) in the Major Arcana connect to it (if at all)? How does it relate to the rest of the story of the Pentacles?  Hope this helps! If you have any questions, feel free to ask! 

[spellboundshadow]

When I am struggling with things like this, I like to go to my M-type and ask her, "Is this a priority to you?" If it is, then I ask her to collaborate with me and make it a priority for me. This might look like check-ins (initiated by me or her), expectations ("this will be done by X time"), or consequences ("if this is not done by X time, Y will happen or Z will not happen").

We also don't do physical punishment for most things, because it makes me anxious and sad. She uses physical stuff as a reward for good behavior (but I am a masochist). I'm a big fan of rewards to make it hot and sexy rather than punishments which make me feel shame.

But what if it doesn't matter to your D-type? I don't think that means this won't work to have these rules, but you have to understand that now you are asking them to take on something new on their plate also. It's important that you have buy in from both of you before you expect them to hold you accountable.

While this looks like s-type service only, when you add the element of the D-type holding you accountable, it's important to recognize their mental labor and service contribution to the scenario.

Have any subs ever wished something was a rule just so you’d be better at something? I was thinking the other day I wish I had a rule about our closet.

I am a very lucky girl in that our bedroom closet is very large with tons of enclosed armoire hanging space, shoe cupboards, a big island with storage, etc. It should be very easy to keep organized, but because it is so big, it is often the dump spot when we need to get things out of the way in other rooms. I’m a grown up and should be able to prioritize it as needed but, for some reason, it’s a blind spot for me.

When it starts to get a bit messy (such is never super bad, but an annoyance) I’ll go in there in the morning to get my clothes and think “I should get back in here later to fix it up”. The problem is that it’s at the far far end of the house and I often don’t go back in there until bedtime. It just sort of falls off my radar. I don’t really have other parts of my life like that because I’m rather type A, but I don’t know what it is about this closet.

Anyway, the other day I was thinking that I wish there was a rule around the closet. I try really hard to avoid painful punishment spankings as I’m not a masochist. I was thinking that if I knew that every Sunday he was going to go in there and check the tidiness and deliver a punishment spanking if it didn’t meet MY normal standard, that I’d most likely have no problem keeping it more in the forefront of my mind. One single failing would most likely keep that thing sparkling for a year.

Then I think, this is stupid, I should be able to prioritize it simply because I want to. I’m guessing he’d feel the same way. I’m an organized, dependable person in general. But, what is it about this one chore?????

I’ve thought about simply pretending to myself that it’s a rule like this. But… but, there’s something different about it actually being a punishable thing that keeps in on your radar. Maybe it’s just because I think about our dynamic so much that the closer being associated more with the D/s would make it easier to remember and even a little more fun to complete.

Or I could just put it on my to-do list like a normal human adult I suppose.

[spellboundshadow]

Because I Bring Value

PROMPT: Practical Protocol Class attended on Oct. 3, 2023

I attended a class of the BOE last night called Practical Protocol. And to be real, I had so many thoughts, questions, and discomforts upon leaving that class.

Some of what was covered was right in line with my perspective and other parts of it were like … OK, but why are you doing it that way?

It wasn't explained with the level of nuance that I wanted (nor could it have been in a two hour time slot). So rather than turning inward to examine all the things myself, I turned to MzRhythm and we discussed all the points in my notes where I had written a (?) alongside. It was honestly the best class we've attended in a long time in terms of giving us thing to talk about. So thank you to all involved.

In this journal entry, I am diverging from the prompts I've been writing on and expounding upon the class and our personal post-class discussion.

I had a bit of an advantage going into the class, because when asked for our definitions on protocol at the beginning, MzRhythm raised her hand and gave her definition early on: Protocol is the ritualization of a power exchange relationship. However, the presenter definition was: Protocol is a dynamic with explicit expectations negotiated mutually and executed without hesitation or objection. So right there, from the outset, was a mismatch in what I was expecting and the language with which the class was framed. I really appreciate that she spoke up.

The key mismatch here being her definition (and mine, as well) involves the protocol being the set of things you do in a dynamic to support the dynamic through action. The presenters' definition involves the protocol being the dynamic itself. I think.

This acknowledgement of a mismatch allowed me to accept that there would be a discrepancy in my mind and that's OK. It also showed me ways that I can prepare for classes in topics that I have already formed impressions about, which would help with cognitive dissonance in the future.

Anyway, beyond that, there were many parts that we discussed, but there is part that I am struggling to work through. The paired questions:

Why do you deserve your submissive's submission?

Why do you deserve your Dominant's guidance and leadership?

Here, I took exception to the word "deserve." My gut reaction is "it's not about deserving, it's about mutual agreement and consent." But when discussing it with MzRhythm, she said the answer to both is "Because I bring value." (My answer was, "I don't deserve anyone's anything," for the record.)

So, I think in order to fathom her answer, I need to break down the difference between being valuable as a person and bringing value as a partner for myself. In essence, what do I bring to the table as a partner is more important to this conversation than justifying my existence.

All people have inherent value as human beings and should be treated with equal rights and dignity. Existing, however, is not enough to 'deserve' to be part of a relationship. And I think that is where I got hung up on the word deserve.

That said, not all people have brought value to our individual lives and therefore are not loved by us, beyond our inherent, generalized love for every living person. If I have an extra ticket to a concert, I'm going to first offer it to my wife, then my boyfriend, then to friends in some sense of order. Because those people have brought value to my life in the past and this concert offers us a chance to build new memories and experiences together. None of them inherently deserve to go to the concert more than anyone else. And honestly, there is a gamble involved here: Who do I think will bring the most value to my experience?

Some of that is determined by track record so far, the other person's interest in the thing I want to do, and by the potential for future enjoyment together. So circling back to the questions, why do you deserve? I appreciate the nuance in MzRhythm's response "Because I bring value.

"It's not so much about deserving, but about showing through a track record of consistency and attentiveness that the two of you are a good fit and have matched expectations of one another. It's about showing that you will show up, participate, and display care … actively. Because passive participation isn't as fulfilling, in most cases.

I keep wanting to change the phrasing to "what have you done to earn" but there is no way to earn someone's love. That is a thing that I have been struggling with for a long time. I have had someone else living in my head for a long telling me that everyone should decide every single day that they want to be in a given relationship.  But that's not sustainable and I see that now. You see, people are not robots. People have down days, they have moody days, they have upbeat days. If you are deciding on a down day that your partner's moody day is too much to continue a relationship with a decade of more good than bad, I would argue that something is more wrong than your partner's one day of moodiness. You're also shortchanging yourself and any potential partners who may want to come into your life.

I committed, when I gave MzRhythm a dragon and a ring, that I was in this thing, forever. And she did the same. We deserve each other because we committed to each other and we continue to show up in more good ways than bad for each other.

That's not to say that at the outset it isn't a good call to check people's actions and words against your intuition. But I am saying that it's important to let people's track records inform some of the security that is found in a relationship, power exchange or otherwise.

I deserve MzRhythm's guidance and leadership because I bring value and am committed to continuing to do so. She deserves my submission because she brings value and is committed to continuing to do so.

Fall Writing Index

This writing has been part of my effort to write everyday from the autumn equinox to the winter solstice. Find the rest of the writings in this series here: Fall Writing Index

[spellboundshadow]

My Current Wellness through the lens of the Chakras | A Full Moon Reflection

Yesterday when I was  writing about the service training I want to explore, I got into the weeds about wellness. The thing is, I've been in a pretty dark place lately where wants and needs have boiled down to "I need to eat food and drink water and sleep to stay alive." Thus, it has felt incredibly superficial to say "I need words of affirmation" when what I really need is the will to live.

But that's not living. That is survival and I am ready to start thriving again.

Part of breaking out of survival mode means examining what wellness might look like and what the path to get there entails. Part of it is getting back on my meds after having to go off them for two weeks for a sleep study (got through it yesterday).

So today, on the full moon, I'm going to explore my current state of wellness and path back to equilibrium. And I think the best way to do so is to look at it through the lens of the chakra.

Chakra

The Chakras are energy centers in the body that play a significant role in holistic wellbeing. They are located at various points along the spine, starting from the base and reaching up to the crown of the head. They are believed to have the ability to influence our overall wellbeing on multiple levels. When these energy centers are in balance and spinning harmoniously, we experience a sense of vitality, harmony and wellness. However, if there are blockages or imbalances in the chakras, it can lead to physical and emotional distress. Their alignment is crucial for achieving holistic wellness.

They come to us from the Hindu tradition that originated in India. However, many neo-pagan and new age practitioners also reflect on the Chakras as powerful energetic tools for balancing the whole self. One of my favorite, accessible explanations of this comes from this segment of Avatar the Last Airbender (S2:E19), in which Guru Pathik explains the Chakras to Aang as pools of energy flowing through the body.

I was going to write about the Eight Dimensions of Wellness here also (a therapy tool from the early 1990s), but the Chakra journaling took me where I needed to go. I often think that Chakras make up who we are and the Eight Dimensions of Wellness make up how we live. But I found, through journaling my way up the path of the Chakras, that I need only apply them through journaling to lift some of the blockages and find equilibrium. I feel much better after writing all this

Chakra Model

Root Chakra (Muladhara)

I am.

Security. Stability. Groundedness.

For the past two weeks I have been off of the SSRI, ADHD, and anti-anxiety meds that I take in preparation for a sleep study. I was dreading this because I was certain I would feel out of control and sad all the time. While I have wanted to cry every other moment and have had an incredibly short fuse, I have also been forced to find coping mechanisms outside of those aids in order to address an underlying problem that has impacted those diagnoses.

One such effort is that I have decided to work at the library or the game store one day a week for the foreseeable future. This is because I realized that in the mid-afternoon my temper grows short as I get tired. If I leave the house and isolate a little bit, it gives me time to reset away from the family, while fulfilling my work obligations. On the weekends, I make time for naps in the early afternoons to mitigate this.

In the longer term, I am hopeful that the sleep study turns up something that will be helpful to my overall wellness. I also have returned to my mental health meds today, in a slightly different formulation. We have learned a lot in the past few weeks about how my body is reacting to things, but also in how our relationships within the household can act as bracers to hold each other up amid different challenges.

Finding Balance

Question: What do you fear?

Answer: Loss of love and care from those I love the most.

Balancing Affirmation: I cannot control how others around me think, feel, or act. I can only control the care with with I treat them and hope that they will treat me with care in return. Perhaps that hope is a source of fear? I need reassurance. And then I need to believe it when I get it.

Full Moon: On the day of the harvest moon, I release my need to control how others think or feel about me. I know that I can set boundaries for myself in how I want to be treated, and likewise, expectations for how they treat me, but that is not the same as micromanaging their actions.

Sacral Chakra (Svadhisthana)

I feel.

Creativity. Emotion. Passion.

Amid the challenges of the last few weeks, I have been overwhelmed with emotion and my outlet has been creativity. Writing alone has consumed double digit hours of the past week since I started this resolution. I'm also working on a D&D campaign, making book art, and drawing a little.

Today I am overwhelmed with hurt by the way people close to me have addressed my emotional wellbeing in the past week or so. However, I must acknowledge that my emotional regulation has been lacking during this timeframe and things might look different in the light of the SSRI that I am able to take again.

It is unreasonable to expect everyone (even those close to me) to understand and empathize with every emotion, every time. Those hurts must first be healed by my own emotional first aid, before they can be addressed with the other person. And part of that self-care must consider whether I (in my time of instability) bled on or injured anyone else. If that is the case, then part of the longterm healing must include an apology and restorative actions.

Finding Balance

Question: What do you blame yourself for?

Answer: I blame myself for the times when I have been overcome with emotion and have used my voice and feelings to hurt people when I feel unheard or dysregulated. I blame myself for letting fear and hurt cloud my judgement.

Balancing Affirmation: My feelings matter and are as real as "reason." I must accept the reality that the harm has occurred and seek/offer forgiveness where needed, including forgiving myself. But do not let past emotions color present actions.

Full Moon: On the day of the harvest moon, I release the hurt and fear that I have been harboring in my relationships. I forgive myself for the hurt I have caused myself and I forgive others for the hurt they have caused me. Likewise, I will seek to make amends with the people that I have wronged.

Solar Plexus Chakra (Manipura)

I can.

Self-Esteem. Confidence. Personal Power.

Oh boy. My self-esteem and confidence have been in the gutter these past few months. I have had ups and downs with the national shortage of certain ADHD medications, then the sleep study. I am finally in a place where I have access to the brain cocktail that I need. In fact, I would find it interesting to reflect on this in a month at the next full moon.

However, I think it is important to acknowledge that I have always been an incredibly sensitive person. That sensitivity is not a disability. I think that by rejecting my emotions and silencing them, I am doing myself more harm than good in this area. If I am constantly trying to carve out pieces of myself to throw away, how can I come to love myself?

My sensitivity is not a liability. It is where my personal power lies. I need to embrace it.

Finding Balance

Question: What are you ashamed of? What are your biggest disappointments in yourself?

Answer: I am ashamed of how my emotions rule my mind and body. I am ashamed that when I am hurt, I find it hard to control my voice, so I either silence it or shout. Neither of which are healthy for anyone.

Balancing Affirmation: I will never find balance if I deny the part of myself that feels so deeply. Stepping into confidence means learning to work with the feelings I am experiencing rather than trying to excise them.

Full Moon: On the day of the harvest moon, I release my shame. No longer will I seek to carve out pieces of myself to make me more palatable to those who love me. If I want to be loved for my whole self, I must first offer my whole self up and show love for every part of me.

Heart Chakra (Anahata)

I love.

Love. Compassion. Forgiveness.

I love so deeply and find that fear often turns that love to grief when hurt occurs. There is so much fear clouding this chakra and I don't know how to let it go. Actually, I do. I have to let go of the examples from the past of those who could not (or would not) love me the way I needed to be loved. I must forgive them and move forward into new opportunity and connection.

Today, I am feeling hurt by people close to me, but is that hurt really something they caused? Or am I looking for patterns of carelessness that were built on the foundations of others who have since exited my life? Can I offer them forgiveness and then hold onto the apology rather than the hurt? Can I offer forgiveness to those who haven't (and maybe won't ever) asked for it?

I don't go to AA, but I have read and tended to most of the 12 Steps. Step 8 and 9 deal with making amends and forgiving others. I acknowledge that I am responsibile for some of the harm that has been caused. I acknowledge that I am responsible for healing the harm done to me. At the end of the day, forgiveness is the only way to move forward and start anew. 

Finding Balance

Question: Lay all of your grief out in front of you. Who is there to greet you?

Answer: My grief is not in the people I have lost to death, but in the people I have had to cut out of my life for the sake of my emotional, mental, physical, and familial wellbeing. I have not done so lightly, and the grief I have felt as a result has made nurturing new connections difficult.

Balancing Affirmation: Grief is love that has no where to go. But new love can be nurtured in the fertile soil it leaves behind. Recognizing that past hurts do not inform future happiness (seeing a pattern here), I must forge ahead armed with the knowledge I have today and look to a future filled with unknowns. I must release my fear of those unknowns and embrace the love and care that are offered.

Full Moon: On the day of the harvest moon, I release my grief to make way for new (and new expressions of) love. I release the pain of loss and allow it to flow into the soil, nourishing it with the potential energy of love.

Throat Chakra (Vishuddha)

I speak.

Communication. Self-Expression. Authenticity.

I pride myself on being a great communicator. I can talk, write, photograph, and make art about it all day, every day, forever. But the truth is, the person I lie to the most is myself. I say "it's fine" when it really isn't. I say "it doesn't matter" when really I mean that it feels like no one cares or it feels like speaking up will only make things worse.

About six months ago, a friend said to me: I can't imagine how many times you've had to bite your tongue and hurt your own feelings to be graceful.

And frankly, that fucking hurt. I've typed so many words about people that have hurt me, which will never see the light of day. I could fill oceans with the sentences I've strung together describing my pain. I tried to became numb to it. Bit my tongue harder and harder while my mouth filled with blood and my soul screamed.

But there is a way out. I can just ... Say it out loud. Put it down. Let it sink into the waters of renewal until I am cleansed of its pain.

Finding Balance

Question: What lies have you told yourself about your own nature?

Answer: I have told myself that no one cares. That ultimately, I am alone in the world to fend for myself. That I don't need anyone else to know about my fears and desires.

Balancing Affirmation: Connection and communication go hand in hand. People who love me simply cannot care about the things that I don't tell them about. They can't apologize for the hurts they don't know exist. And if I remain closed off to them, they likely will not offer me chances for repair when they are also hurt.

Full Moon: On the day of the harvest moon, I release my silence. I no longer cling to silence as a way to keep the peace. I no longer hold my tongue for the sake of being gracious. Fear and distrust breed in darkness. It is time to shine a light where there is shadow and go forth in boldness.

Third Eye Chakra (Ajna)

I see.

Intuition. Insight. Inner Wisdom.

I wrote about intuition recently, but I think there are some new things to learn in this context. As I have learned through this writing exercise, there is a lot of fear holding me back in many contexts.

Part of this realization probably has to do with the conversation I had with MzRhythm last night. We were talking about the nature of groupthink, and her theory is that all individual and group actions come down to fear (fear of losing something or fear of not attaining something). I am inclined to agree, for the most part, but would argue that it comes down to a spectrum between fear of loss and desire to attain. This is a minor linguistic twist on a theory that we largely agree upon.

Recognizing that fear and desire are the base drives that guide decision-making, I can come armed to any situation with new tools to manage that fear and support that desire. The first step is to acknowledge that my desire for control and my fear of being hurt are huge factors in my behavior. I have to make friends with uncertainty in order to embrace all of the possibilities the universe has to offer, both in a spiritual sense and a physical sense.

Finding Balance

Question: What illusions have you come to believe as truth?

Answer: I have believed in the illusion of control and separation. I have believed that things can be categorized and subdivided until they fit nicely into neat little boxes, and thus controlled. I have believed that it is possible to move through this world without hurting anyone or being hurt, if only I tried hard enough. These are illusions.

Balancing Affirmation: By living in the universal truth of chaos, I can drop into the river of belief ... that the universe will deliver what is needed to my door and provide me with opportunities for surviving (and even thriving) through the challenges.

Full Moon: On the day of the harvest moon, I release the illusion of control. I recognize that clinging tighter to people, situations, and things does not change the outcomes for the better. I will state my feelings, fears, needs, and desires without the intention of controlling others, but with the intention of providing them with information on how to care for me better. What they do with that information is up to them. The wheel weaves as the wheel wills, and whatnot.

Crown Chakra (Sahasrara)

I know.

Spirituality. Purpose. Transcendence.

This chakra is probably the most tangled up one of them all. I am very much tied up in the earthly attachments like maintaining the calendar and making sure everyone gets where they need to be, when they need to be there. But this feeling of compulsory busyness makes me incredibly unhappy and puts everyone's mental health at risk. When the busyness reaches a pinnacle, I find that spirituality goes out the window first. Then time to talk through things with each other. Then the time for a sit down meal together. And so on.

I know this is a thing that is a result of having a parent who wanted to give us the world and in the end just made us exhausted with all the activities we were required to do. I do not have to emulate that, but it hard in the current capitalist hellscape to imagine anything else. When the world tells you that your productivity is paramount, how can you fathom rest? Stillness, in this model, is torture.

So I struggle to feel like I am doing enough. I have to schedule for myself time to do nothing. Or eventually my body will force me to. Which is worse? I want to slow my life down to the pace of my wellbeing, but I don't even know what that is. I think it starts by letting go of the reins.

Finding Balance

Question: What earthly attachments keep you from corresponding with your cosmic self?

Answer: I am overly attached to the earthly concept of control. This manifests in my life as compulsory busyness. Our connectedness as a household (which is what truly feeds my purpose right now) suffers and breaks down when busy overruns our lives, and us along with it. And yet, the lure of having every moment scheduled and regimented lingers in the corner of my mind.

Balancing Affirmation: There is wholeness in stillness.

Full Moon: On the day of the full moon, I release the notion that control is possible. I release the compulsion to fill my life with more. I release myself from the binds of stifling expectations, whether placed on me by myself and by others. I release myself into her care and allow myself to sink into her embrace. 

----

Fall 2023 Writing Index

This writing has been part of my effort to write everyday from the autumn equinox to the winter solstice. Find the rest of the writings in this series here: Fall 2023 Writing Index

[spellboundshadow]

Hot take: sapiosexual

You aren't attracted to intelligence, you're attracted to a certain kind of education that is a facet of a certain class. You're not sapiosexual. You're classist.

[spellboundshadow]

"How I Might Prepare Myself to Become Such a Treasure"

PROMPT: What special training would you like to have? (365 Days of Submission)

This prompt led me down a rabbit hole about the difference between Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, Hindu understanding of Chakra, and the modern 8 Dimensions of Wellness. However, I think the conversation about wellness is going to wait for another day. But to answer this question, we first are going to have to understand that wants and needs are difficult to define.

For example, Maslow would say that everything up through the pinnacle of self-actualization is a need, but sometimes it gets hard, when bogged down with the day to day, to define anything but "the will to live" as a need. But that wasn't the question and I'm getting lost in the weeds again.

So, what special training would I like to have?

First and foremost, I would like to have any training that would make my Mistress's life easier and more delightful. This morning (between naps at a sleep study consult), I was reading another essay in Slavecraft, in which a grateful slave says:

"i longed to be crated as a fine and useful male property; one with a great range of services i could provide … i thought about how i might prepare myself to become such a treasure."

I loved that phrasing.

So I think a better way to look at this than say "wants and needs" is: What skills do I want to provide and develop as part of my service? What skills am I willing to develop as part of my service? Anything not on these lists is considered a hard limit.

The things I am currently pretty good at:

Coffee service: Every morning I wake Mistress up with coffee and we have agreed-upon structures for my making coffee for her throughout the day.

Bootblacking: I care for her and my boots, my collar, her leather garments, and more. I also organize a bootblacking meetup as a way for folks in the community to come together and learn about leather care as a bit of community service.

Organizing schedules and appointments: I manage the household calendar. If something isn't on there, it is on me. If it stops synching to someone's device, I fix it. If someone needs an appointment made, she may delegate the setting and calendaring of the appointment to me at her discretion.

Maintaining digital communications: Chances are if it is discord or telegram, we are both in the same chat and I inform her of any notable developments. I also monitor her personal email and our physical mail. 

Maintaining records and communicating reports for monthly finances: This one is really just that my spreadsheet was better. I now have a report I made in Google Forms that dumps to the household discord, where reports and check-ins are stored. 

Cooking healthy and delicious meals: I love to cook. However, it has felt more like a chore in recent years. I would like to figure out how to find joy in making food again. We have decided to start meal planning again, because I think that would help.

Electronics troubleshooting and repair coordination: Simply put, I am the tech person in the household. If phones, tablets, games, or computers are involved, I probably handled it or found the person who did.

The things I am learning and want to get better at:

Mistress's desired protocols and general etiquette: This is probably my favorite thing to learn and my least favorite thing to make mistakes on while learning. This includes how to speak to and about her in public and private settings; low, medium, and high protocol requirements; speech and signal expectations; where and how to walk, stand, and sit; and more.

Bathing and grooming service: When requested, we shower together while I wash her body and hair, shave her body as directed, and conclude with lotion and other care as directed. I also brush her hair regularly. I think I would also enjoy painting her nails, if directed.

Trip and outing planning and packing: I have a new system for planning trips which includes a master packing list, potential outings for the trip, the weather forecast (once it is close enough) or prior year trends, and a catch all space for photos taken on the trip. I have used it once and I like it a lot. Typically, when we go on trips, I do about 60% of the packing under her direction, up to the point of packing the car, which is her domain. I would like to get to a point of being the one directing and overseeing the packing up to the point of packing the car. I think having the planning system will help with that, because I will be able to run things by her before it is time to panic pack. And since I am doing this planning in advance, maybe even avoid the panic packing.

Cigar service, including humidor care and cigar selection: For the last year or so, we have been getting more into cigars as part of service scenes. I check the humidor daily and maintain its humidity. I also am exploring things like being an ashtray and the like. This one is a bit dicey for me, because I do have asthma, so there are some limits in place around this service.

Household management, including delegating: This one is hard for me, because my first instinct is to hear "this needs to get done" and respond with "yeah, I can do that." She is teaching me that one set of hands simply cannot do it all, and requires me to learn to delegate to other members of the household. This includes holding others accountable to the things I have asked of them.

The thing I am learning willingly, but begrudgingly and with much frustration:

Housekeeping and organizing: This one has a lot of baggage attached to it. We're working through this together.

Pursuit of Connection

I wrote yesterday about coffee service, which has ebbed and flowed as our relationship has grown and changed. I also reflected that it can be hard for me to get into a routine that looks the same everyday because of my neurodiverse brain. So while I want to offer regimented, do-this-everyday-exactly-this-way kind of service, that may be out of reach at this time.

Instead, each act of service is requested, performed, and acknowledged on a case-by-case basis. Also, there are a lot more service things that I am good (or even just competent) at than I gave myself credit for at the beginning.

Also, I'd like to note that I don't see purely sexual interactions or kink play interactions as service. I know that some do. You won't find impact or sex or any of those things on my list of ways to be of service, because service is not why I do those things. For me, thinking about those things as service takes the fun out of them. Those are collaborative experiences that bring us each joy for different reasons than service does.

That said, I do find the above acts of service to be different levels of sexy and connection-building and I am always looking for new ways to grow in service.

Fall Writing Index

This writing has been part of my effort to write everyday from the autumn equinox to the winter solstice. Find the rest of the writings in this series here: Fall 2023 Writing Index

[spellboundshadow]

Shadow's Resource List

(copied from my profile on the red and black site)

I always copy and paste the same set of books and other learning resources to recommend to people. So I decided to turn the list and its rationale into a writing so I can do the labor in one place and just keep adding to it here with an easy link to share.

So let's be real. I have not read all of the things that exist, but damn it I'm going to try. I hope the afterlife is like the library of Wan Shi Tong and I can just live in an ever-growing trove of knowledge, curled up in MzRhythm's lap for the rest of eternity.

That said, I really invite anyone to chime in with their favorite resources! There are more (and maybe better) lists all over the internet, but this is mine and I hope you find something useful!

Library Resources

Of course the Carter-Johnson Leather Library (Indiana) and its annexes and the Leather Archives and Museum (Chicago) are two great ideas to visit for those interested in kink and leather history. I'm sure there are others.

Book Lists

I was recently lamenting that we need some post-2020 books that account for our current generation of kinkiness, so if you've got any recommendations, I'm all ears.

If I were starting right now, here's the order I would have read things:

I would suggest everyone start with Playing Well With Others by Lee Harrington and Mollena Williams (2012). It is very 101, and it's a good read and probably the most up-to-date, good kink 101 book I've read.

I would put Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Tawwab (2021) next. It isn't a kink book, but I think it's really important to have clear boundaries when traversing this world, and I really like that book.

From there, if you're interested in ENM, read Polysecure by Jessica Fern (2020). It's about attachment theory and how it applies to polyamory. The later chapters really help explore what kind of relationships you might be best suited for based on what you're looking to get out of your relationships. She has a new book out called Polywise that I hope to get my hands on soon.

Then The New Bottoming Book and The New Topping Book, both by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton. I always say read both, because I think a lot can be learned by knowing what both sides of the slash are being advised. I think it makes us more active participants.

Then from there, I would read books for exploring relationship structures, such as Master-slave Mastery Protocols by Jen Fairfield and Robert Rubel or Negotiating Your Power Exchange Relationship by Raven Kaldera.

I recently read Traversing Gender: Understanding Transgender Realities by Lee Harrington and found it really informative, though encyclopedic.

I also want to read Sacred Kink also by Lee Harrington (2015) about the spiritual side of kink. Then there's Slavecraft by a grateful slave/Guy Baldwin (2002), as it is often touted as the premier look into the M/s lifestyle through the eyes of both M and s in essay form.

There are some other great reads that are a bit dated (published in the 1990s), including SM101 by Jay Wiseman (1996), Screw the Roses Send Me the Thorns by Molly Devon and Philip Miller (1995), and Ethical Slut by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton (1997, but I just learned that it was updated in 2017! I'm going to have to revisit this one).

Also on my book wishlist:

Tying and Flying by Shay Tiziano (Important note: Do not get the e-book for this, you will be frustrated!)

Creating Captivating Classes by many authors, but Edited by Shay and Stefanos Tiziano

ANY BOOK by Two Knotty Boys

The Ritual of Dominance & Submission by David English

Power Circuits by Raven Kaldera

And so so many more!

Other Media

I also really encourage branching out into blogs, podcasts, and TikToks (although this can be a bit harder when judging who actually knows what).

For blogs, I like Submissive Guide, Service Slave Secrets by (also available as books), and Dom Sub Living.

For TikTok, I don't have a ton of resources, but pointing to Buck Harder for bootblacking (personal favorite), good resources do exist out there. Also TyrDoesntTikTok link and Twen_Peeks on kink and ENM. Also TripleXHexxx has some fantastic series about leather people of color and leather women of color from the past two months (Black History Month and Women's History Month) that I have learned a lot from!

Tyr and Twen have a podcast called Spicier than Therapy. I also discovered another one called Rope Podcast that I liked recently. Not huge on podcasts, though, so I'll leave that area to someone else.

There are also some Discords that I like for having targeted conversations with folks having similar mindsets and even virtual conventions, so I really encourage an open mind to all sorts of platforms.

What else?

This list barely scratches the surface on what is out there. I'd love to hear about what you're finding useful lately!

Do you know of any resources for exploring M/s dynamics?

Hey friend I am not the book daddy you are looking for. Hopefully someone tuning in has a recommendation they can add.

[spellboundshadow]

Coffee, a Love Story

PROMPT: Reflect on your daily life and describe in detail an everyday activity that you have ritualized. (Submissive Coffee Club @sccwriting)

One Friday morning in 2013, less than a month after we met, MzRhythm asked if I'd like to get breakfast. We sat at breakfast for hours talking. And of course, she drank coffee the whole time. As we sat, I was watching her make her coffee (mind you, this was diner coffee in small cups) and counting how many sugars and creams she was adding to it. I had decided that the next time we were spending time together, I was going to bring her coffee. I had no idea then how important coffee is to her, but I suppose I must have had an inkling.

She was moving that weekend, and I helped with that on the Saturday. Then, on the Sunday, I stopped at 7-Eleven for a slurpee on my way to her new house and decided this was my chance!

I would go on to get her an XL coffee from 7-Eleven with the amount of cream and sugar that she had put in those little diner cups of coffee. I brought it to her with so much earnest, and she graciously drank the whole damn thing.

Daily coffee service began on a later day in 2013 or 14 when I wanted to infodump things to her the minute she woke up. She said to me "if you want to have conversations first thing in the morning, you need to bring coffee with you." and then she proceeded to teach me how she likes it.

Over the course of the last decade, I have brought her coffee in bed, at work, on roadtrips, and beyond. I have learned new ways to make coffee, from french press to keurig to pour over, etc. The thing is: I don't like coffee, so the brewing of it has become an exact science on my end.

Coffee Ritual

Our usual daily ritual is done with k-cup pods and an extra large Dunkin mug with a straw. Here's how it goes:

Get a smaller cup down from the cupboard to brew the coffee into.

Find two k-cup pods of the correct brand (if there aren't any in the caddy, go downstairs to retrieve a new box from the pantry)

Start brewing the first pod.

Retrieve the large mug, lid, and straw from the drying rack where they were stored after being washed the night before.

Pour the first brew of coffee into the mug.

Start brewing the second pod.

Scoop (with the right silverware spoon) three and a half spoons full of sugar into the mug

Stir sugar with the straw until dissolved.

Retrieve the half and half from the refrigerator.

Pour the second brew of coffee into the mug.

Stir the coffee and sugar again to disperse.

Add cream until the coffee is the right color (nearly filling the mug).

Stir the coffee with the straw, making sure to lift the straw out of the coffee at the end to make sure no black coffee is trapped in the straw.

Put the lid on the coffee.

Bring the coffee to the bedroom.

Wake her up with something like "Good morning, love. It's [insert time]. I have brought you coffee."

Wait for her to awaken, repeating the sentiment as necessary.

She will receive the coffee.

She will take a first sip.

She will thank me.

At this point, the ritual is complete. I may depart the room and tend to things going on in the house or sit with her while she wakes up and tell her about my day/concerns/joys/developments/etc.

Reconciling Expectations

That first 7-Eleven coffee set the stage for where we are today. When something is important to someone you love, you want to be a part of it, and MzRhythm loves coffee. But I struggled greatly with expectation around coffee.

"I like to be helpful!" I had said at that first breakfast together (in regard to helping her move). I meant it then and I continue to feel that way to this day. But having the expectation of doing something the same way every day has been a challenge for me.

There was even a point in the recent past where daily coffee service was out of our lives entirely. That was a dark time in our marriage and D/s.

There is part of me that wishes I could just make her coffee and leave it next to her and walk away, knowing that it is exactly right (it isn't always, because I get distracted sometimes) and that it is appreciated (I need the expression of satisfaction to feel fulfilled). But for us, anticipatory service leads to mismatched needs and wants. Acknowledging that has led us to ritualizing certain service tasks (like morning coffee).

As she has taught me how she likes things to be performed and I have learned and weighed in on needs or wants that I have around each type of service, we have worked together to make rituals like this one that allow us to tap into some of that programmed service. This way, we can use the rituals as tools to bring us closer rather than being hung up on every step of the service dance.

I am still learning HOW to perform different types of service. But I find so much fulfillment in knowing that I have followed her directives exactly as she wishes them to be performed. And the words of affirmation from her after fill my service well in return.

Fall Writing Index

This writing has been part of my effort to write everyday from the autumn equinox to the winter solstice. Find the rest of the writings in this series here: Fall 2023 Writing Index

[spellboundshadow]

Intuition as an Intersection of Epistemology, Gnosis, and Faith

PROMPT: What are signs that your intuition is talking to you? (You Are the Magic You Seek)

This is a really interesting prompt, because first we have to define intuition. Intuition is a multifaceted concept that encompasses both practical, knowledge-based aspects and deeper, spiritual connections.

Intuition is Earned

In the most practical sense, intuition is really a mundane, systematic, pattern-matching function that some humans do really well and others not so well. Psychology Today tells us that intuition is the kind of hunch that is "generated by the unconscious mind rapidly sifting through past experience and cumulative knowledge."

This would suggest that in situations where a "gut feeling" is conjured up out of nowhere, that's really your mind piecing together things that you've experienced in the past and comparing them to the situation that you are currently faced with. This is really helpful when we are working in situations where quick decisions are important. Your brain is able to sub-consciously put together the information that you have learned over the course of your life and apply it to the situation in front of you.

This is really good for jobs where you are repairing things or making art. Cars tend to break down in very similar ways, for example. You learn what looks good through a process of creation and critique until you start to create things you like faster. This is not so good for jobs where you have to make a judgement about a person. People are complex and intuition tends to be a stand in for bias.

But I also want to talk about intuition separate from these mundane, knowledge-based reactions. I want to talk about how I know when that little voice I am hearing comes from someplace deeper and more connected to the divine. I believe that this kind of intuition is really my spiritual guides speaking to me.

The Venn Diagram of Belief

There are two words in Greek that both mean "to know." I have often used the word epistemology to define my methods of discovery that are rooted in meditation and intuition. However, I've recently found the word gnosis, which is more about spiritual knowledge than intellectual knowledge. Gnosis can be more rooted in personal experience and one's own personal relationship with the divine, while epistemology is rooted in textual support.

My personal belief system is based pretty firmly on these two legs, with a healthy dose of faith being the third leg of the tripod that upholds my practices. If we were to imagine a venn diagram with three circles, belief would be in the center with gnosis, epistemology, and faith as the three circles. So when I am interacting with the divine, I must ask myself: "How do I know what to the right course of action is?" And this is where these three venn diagram circles come in and intersect.

For the purpose of this writing, we will discuss interactions with the fae as taught to us by the classic folk lore: Rumpelstiltskin.

This fable comes to us from Proto-Western-Indo-European pre-language dating back to probably 2000 B.C. In other words, it's a European folk tale that traces it's roots back as far as the Torah. In the story, we learn of a woman who has to spin straw into gold for reasons, and a supernatural helper that assists in this impossible task. The supernatural helper asks for something in return, the woman's first born child. The woman agrees, the gold is had and eventually, the supernatural helper comes calling for repayment. The woman ultimately convinces her helper to earn her way out of the deal and she tricks him into revealing his name which gives her the power to leave the deal. That's the context.

Epistemology

So intellectually, I have learned the phylogenetic roots of this tale and many others from this journal article and other literary journal articles and textbooks about fairytales and folklore. I also know that early western European societies didn't have writing until the expansion of the Roman Empire and widespread written word came with the expansion of Christianity under Charlemagne and beyond. So for this tale to have roots in pre-Christian Europe, it must have been handed down orally for some time before it was ever written down. Eventually, the Brothers Grimm write down the most famous version of this tale in 1812 Germany.

I might use this epistemological intuition to judge other folk lore and religious texts. This knowledge-intuition might inform how I approach them or what I take away from them as I learn about the material world and its history. But that alone doesn't tell me what to believe.

Gnosis

I can extrapolate a lot about why this tale gets told the way it does based on Christian influences and more. However, my musings about the fae being described in this story is based in my current, personal relationship with the fae. I hear this story and my intuition tells me that there are some things to be learned from this tale:

Fae exist

Fae interact with humans

Fae have different skills than humans do

Fae names have power

Fae underestimate human desperation and cunning

I might use this gnostic intuition to extrapolate about other tales or texts that discuss the fae. These extrapolations help me understand from a personal perspective the interactions I am having in the present, as well as how to talk to people about the interactions I am experiencing.

Faith

"But Shadow, how do you know?" Easy. I don't. This is where faith steps in.

How do I know that the fae I interact with aren't malicious? I don't. I have faith.

How do I know that the fae exist and I'm not just talking to myself? I don't. I have faith.

This section feels like a bit of a cop-out answer, but there are some things that cannot be rationally explained. I cannot explain to you why there is a meditative place that I visit and that the fae meet me there. I cannot explain how I know which house has a brownie in it or how I know that mine never will. I can tell you why mine won't, but it's based on a conversation that I had with a messenger of air who likes to laugh at me. (In a good natured way, I think.)

And for all that I say, "be careful with the fae," I can honestly say that my faith-based intuition is what tells me whether an individual fae is malicious or not. (They often aren't all one thing or another, but that's a writing for a different day.)

The Intersection of All Three

So, my take away from Rumpelstiltskin is that (1) fae have interacted with humans in ways that are hard to understand or imagine throughout history, (2) when interacting with the fae humans must understand the rules of engagement and not take advantage of the gifts that the fae have to offer, and (3) fae exist and can be (and are excited to be) interacted with in the present.

From all of this, I have learned to keep an eye out for fae spaces and that I have to ask nicely before entering a space that is actively occupied by the fae. The last time I went to visit some garden fae, the air messenger I commune with most often laughed and reminded me "You are a big wild thing. This is not your place." So I did not enter. That's not something I got from a book, but it is as real to me as the eucharist. Is that intuition or spiritual intervention? Or something else entirely?

Intuition Revisited

I have many more person definitions of faith and the divine that I want to explore in future writings, but I want to circle back to the initial question: How do you know when your intuition is speaking to you?

When I am guided by intuition, it is most common for me to be experiencing one of the following:

Physical symptoms of extreme anxiety or deep calm = really bad or really good

Collective effervescence (in group settings) = safety and acceptance

Dreams that seem to linger or that leave behind lasting emotion = depends on the emotion that is lingering, but often feels like a warning to me

Sudden urge to "go" somewhere, either spiritually or physically = often makes itself clear more quickly than other symptoms

Sudden urge to shield myself = bad things coming

Sudden urge to use divination tools = often makes itself clear through tarot (drawn by myself or others) or bone readings (thrown by Katia)

I don't know if these are all a result of spiritual intervention, but often these feel disconnected from my personal, knowledge-based intuition as defined in the first section. And I have learned that listening to these urges makes my life more connected, calm, and interesting.

Fall 2023 Writing Index

This writing has been part of my effort to write everyday from the autumn equinox to the winter solstice. Find the rest of the writings in this series here: Fall 2023 Writing Index

[spellboundshadow]

Polyamory and Me: Beyond the Kitchen Table

PROMPT: Where are you on your polyam journey and where do you hope to go? (from Polyamory Uncensored)

In this journal entry, I'll breakdown the building blocks of my personal brand of polyamory. First, it's crucial to understand the framework that underpins it all: I practice hierarchal, D&D-table, family-oriented, omnisexual polyamory. At this time, I would be unwilling to do any other versions of those defined terms, so these are the terms I'll be breaking down in this writing.

My Polyamorous Present

Hierarchal

Hierarchy in polyamory is defined as: "In hierarchical polyamory, certain partners are considered to have priority over others." (Britannica.com) ... yes I just quoted an encyclopedia.

This one is controversial, but I have come to believe that all polyamory is hierarchal in some way. Humans love ranking things. And real talk, there is priority given where time and emotional investment are spent. Because those things are finite resources.

I've also learned the hard way that by trying to consider someone "equal" who is not interested in that is only going to end in hurt and disaster. What MzRhythm and I have is really special. And trying to shoe-horn someone into a similar position in my life isn't fair to anyone. However! I think it's important to remember that ALL people are deserving of equal respect and dignity.

I commented on a polyamory post (which I can't find) about a year ago asking "is hierarchy inherently unethical?" and the response that I found most interesting was someone saying something along the lines of "I can't imagine every considering any partner as less than another." We went on to explore that the person in question lives in a polyfidelity triad situation with no kids ... which is very different than my situation. But that conversation was really helpful in defining for myself that (1) no, hierarchy is not a red flag necessarily and that (2) it is possible to respect the rights, dignity, and equality of every person without treating them exactly the same.

I don't think it's ethical for me to say "I will love you the same as I love my wife" because those relationships are never going to be the same. But also, it's important to define expectations for things like "we will sleep in the same bed together unless otherwise discussed" that has to be discussed with other partners when we are going on a trip as a group. Not that we can't sleep with other people on that trip, but practically that looks like discussing sleeping arrangements on every trip.

The challenge of polyamory will always be communication. Hierarchy or not.

D&D Table

I made up this term because my polycule loves to get together and play D&D or board games. It's somewhere between Garden Party and Kitchen Table polyamory. For context: I like this article to explain GPP and KTP. On thinking about it, it's probably closer to KTP than anything else.

So first off, I need my partners and my metamours to be on good enough terms that we can all attend a party together and no one is in the corner talking shit about anyone else or feeling shitty about being there. However, I'd like this to be more than just polite conversation.

The current configuration of relationships and people can (and do monthly) get together together to play D&D and board games. We take turns cooking or bringing food and hang out for hours or days playing games and just connecting with one another. Right now, I'm running Rime of the Frostmaiden for my partners and two metas. Yesterday, four of us went to the Renaissance Festival together.

The challenge here again is communication. I don't want to start any new relationships with people whose other partners I find unbearable or who don't want to interact with me, no matter how much I enjoy the person I am dating. However, I haven't always known how to communicate this in existing relationships. I've had relationships end because the person I was seeing started dating someone new who (1) became a higher priority in their life (and therefore I was deprioritized) and (2) the new person refused to interact with me. That's a thing that is hard to reconcile and I still haven't figured out post-mortem how it could have been overcome without me becoming someone I'm not or the breakup that ultimately ensued.

It's very couple's privilege of me to say "I want to be on good terms with anyone new that you decide to date," but the way my current partners and I do polyamory makes it hard to feel good about a new meta without communication on all sides. If someone refuses to communicate? Well, that's a red flag for me. This might end up being a whole other journal entry right here.

Family-Oriented

In my best, most ideal version of polyamory, I would love to have a core family unit of many adults who live close together (maybe in a homestead format?) and have an interconnected community of love and care. The challenge is finding and maintaining relationships with people who align with my values and who remain aligned as we grow and learn together. And then there's the parenting part.

The first exercise in The Jealousy Workbook by Kathy Labriola is "Your Relationship Role Models." One of the key things that determines how close I am with someone is what am I modeling for my children. I could be having a fabulous time with someone, but I think hard about who I am willing to bring into the "family" circle. That will likely change as they get older and grow up and move on to building their own lives outside of our house, but right now that is a key concern. 

For context, I am "involved" with two people in the polyamorous sense: my wife and Mistress MzRhythm and my lover DreadPirateBones. Both are nesting partners. I currently have no other romantic relationships, but am close with several friends that I consider also family.

But the question then becomes who gets to decide what is considered family. My gut instinct is to say "well MzRhythm and I are married and have kids together so we decide who is in their lives" but that's only one aspect of the situation. DreadPirateBones lives here too, what if he doesn't want someone around all the time as if they are family? Or what if he starts seeing someone and they are around a lot? What if I start seeing someone who MzRhythm doesn't want around? And vice versa?  

Once again, I'm landing on communication. "COMMUNICATE" is house rule number one for a reason haha.

Omnisexual

This one is easier to define, but harder to unpack. I often call myself bisexual because that's the identifier that feels right for me and I use it to mean I am attracted to mascs and femmes ... I don't tend to be attracted to androgyny, although I do tend to be attracted to gender-bending. IDK man, I just want to flirt with all the sexy people and sometimes I don't care what they look like as long as they can keep up with my overactive brain.

However, I do find my emotional relationships with people who identify as men to be less emotionally fulfilling. And that lends itself to hierarchy a bit in my mind, I think. But that is also something that I have had to work on for a long time, because frankly it feels hella threatening when my wife is dating a femme for the opposite reasons. It's not that I think they are going to replace me, but because I have this impression that women tend to be more emotionally available, which allows for deeper emotional intimacy. 

This sentiment has been reinforced by partners who've had other relationships with high emotional intimacy and low disclosure. It feels like those things are correlated and I don't like it. But who am I to dictate how much intimacy my partners find with other people? I need to get OK with feeling left out and I'm not sure how to do that.

On Labels

This isn't part of the definition, but is important to discuss ... I am a huge lover of labels in relationships. I find that it can be reassuring to have a unique label for everyone I am involved with. Labels are not just linguistic constructs, but vital emotional markers ... a kind of shorthand for the collection of feelings and connections that make up each relationship. They help each relationship feel unique and special, and hold a boundary to keep each relationship from infringing on or trying to copy the feelings and definitions of another. To some, this might seem like an exercise in unnecessary categorization, but to me, it's a source of comfort and clarity.

Having a specific label for each person I'm involved with serves multiple purposes: 

It reinforces the notion that every relationship is distinct, a world of its own with its own nuances and dynamics. It's a testament to the idea that love isn't a one-size-fits-all affair.

Labels act as bumpers (like bowling, I guess), guarding against the unintentional blending or mimicry of emotions from one relationship to another. Without them, it can become all too easy for feelings or definitions to blur, potentially causing confusion and emotional turbulence.

But again, labels require a lot of COMMUNICATION! It's not fair to assign someone a label without talking to them about it. And if it starts to feel like it doesn't it? MOAR TALKING!

Looking Ahead

For the journey forward, there are some important questions I've uncovered, which I'll be exploring with my partners. These questions delve into the heart of what defines family, the rules of engagement for adding new partners, the necessary level of disclosure, and the evolving nature of investment in relationships.

These questions include:

What defines family and who in the polycule gets to define it?

What do rules of engagement for adding new partners look like? And how can we discuss this without introducing red flag kinds of privilege into the relationship?

How much disclosure is needed in discussing potential new partners and for what happens with that disclosure once the new relationship is established?

What does "enough" investment look like? This is constantly changing as relationships change and evolve. So a better question might be: What is the framework for asking for more investment in a relationship? How do you say "I don't need this particular investment anymore, thank you!" without it sounding like de-escalation?

What does emotional intimacy look like and how can I foster it in relationships with men? And do I need to if my needs for emotional intimacy are being fulfilled by not-men? Is it fair that men benefit from a sexual relationship with me without being expected to do emotional labor in said relationship? Where is the line?

Together with my partners, I'll have to navigate these complexities, striving for a polyamorous experience that is grounded in love, respect, and open communication.

Fall 2023 Writing Index

This writing has been part of my effort to write everyday from the autumn equinox to the winter solstice. Find the rest of the writings in this series here: Fall 2023 Writing Index

[spellboundshadow]

Honest. Creative. Intelligent. Responsible. Sensitive. Adventurous. Idealistic. Philosophical. Courageous. Ambitious.

Day 1 Prompt: What are ten words you would use to describe yourself? (from 365 Days of Submission)

It was hard to narrow down ten words to describe myself, because I started with something like this: I'm a married, polyamorous, spiritually eclectic and socially Catholic, neurodivergent, bi, cis-femme (she/her). I design websites for a living and fantasy worlds (through D&D and writing) for fun. I also use parentheticals way too much (because every thought comes with a bonus thought), and I'm a strong proponent of the oxford comma (despite a decade in journalism using AP style).

That's my bio that I settled on recently when corresponding with someone via email. I could describe myself so many different ways for all the different roles that I have taken on in my life. I'm a wife. I'm an s-type, the flavor of which I am not certain yet. I'm a friend, a partner, a bootblack, a GM, I'm a TTRPG player. So the question "Who are you?" (which is the first prompt of the Polyamory Uncensored journal) feels too general. That's why I've chosen this prompt from the 365 Days of Submission journal, because rather than trying to encompass all of those identities, I have narrowed the prompt down to (essentially), "What are the traits and values that define how I move in those identities?"

So I've landed on the 10 words above and will break down what each of these adjectives mean for me personally. 

Honest

Real talk, the first and most important thing I will be is honest. I feel gross when I lie about things, so about a decade ago I stopped doing it (in part, because MzRhythm made it clear that she does not tolerate dishonesty). I put in a lot of work not to withhold information from people who I care about or to whom it is relevant. But this does bite me in the ass sometimes.

What does too honest look like? Well, if I hate your shirt because it's orange (ew), and you ask me "What do you think of my new top?" I do not have the self-regulation to make my face do the right (read: socially acceptable) things in reaction to that color. So I might reply "It's a good cut for you" and try to avoid saying anything about the color, but my nose might do the little wrinkle up thing that happens when I interact with the color orange. However, threading the needle on socially acceptable vs. kindly honest is exhausting sometimes. So every now and then, I'm just going to say, "I really hate that color."

All that said, I think honesty is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship with ANYONE, but especially when polyamory and/or power exchange are involved. If you can't be honest with the person you are in relationship with, what is the point? When I find myself wanting to withhold things from my partners (that something they did hurt my feelings, or that I want to do something new and scary, or that I'm feeling some kind of way), I know that it's time to talk to them even more because (1) it's not healthy for me to be holding things in and (2) we can't come to a resolution about what is going on if we don't talk to one another.

I was once in a partnership with someone who said "I'm only going to tell you about things with other people if they affect you directly." And frankly, that made me so insecure and uncomfortable, I would never do it again. I don't want to find out after the fact that a partner has been going on dates with other people but didn’t tell me because it didn't infringe on our time together. Honesty and upfront-disclosure is a huge requirement of polyamory for me, because that is how I navigate the world of ENM. It is not ethical (for me) for my partners to withhold the who's who of their dating life because it hurts me when they do. So in turn, I am up front and proactive about it on my end.

Note: To some, this level of disclosure does not feel ethical, for various reasons. For me and my partners, this is what ethical looks like and it is an agreed-upon standard of care. 

Creative

If "honest" is my core ethic, "creative" and "brilliant" (up next) are my core identity words. My world when I was younger revolved around my smarts. I was the gifted kid who strove for all As all the time and burned out hard along the way. Meanwhile, my ideal situation would have my head planted firmly in the clouds. I love to create things from fantastical worlds, to art of all mediums, to both fiction and nonfiction endeavors ... the list could go on forever. Here I am today at 1:46 p.m. on a Friday writing rather than working (at my decidedly CREATIVE job) because my fixation on creating something today is too strong to resist. If I won the lottery tomorrow, I would spend the rest of my life making things. I wouldn't stop working, I would just stop doing busy work (like the content clean-up task I am avoiding).

An early sign that I am suffering in my wellness is that I have stopped creating things. When there is no time to create, I grow despondent and withdrawn until I hit a breaking point and have a full meltdown. I need art like I need air, food, and water. My soul thrives on making things. In part because I can hold it up at the end of the day and say "Look! I made this!" 

A challenge that I encounter with creativity, however, is that if I lack inspiration or time or what have you, it really does affect the rest of my wellness. That's something that I keep in mind when designing my daily routine, right up there with "get active for 30 minutes per day" is "get creative for 30 minutes (or more) per day." When I have struggled with depression and can't find words or art or creativity within myself, it has turned into a feedback loop of compounding despair. Which feels decidedly unfair! 

But when I can create something new ... that's where my dreams come alive and I feel like I make the world a better place to be.

Brilliant

So I talked about the whole gifted kid burnout thing above, so it's clear how my intelligence has been misused. But my intelligence paired with my creativity is actually a huge boon. I think outside the box and get things done in ways that make people either go "Oh that's cool!" OR "WTF dude, we've never done things that way!" There is no middle ground. 

On the positive side, I am a really fast learner. Very much a see one, do one, teach one, kind of person. Show me something once, I can recreate it badly. Show it to me twice, I can usually pull it off correctly. Show it to me a third time and I can turn to the person next to me and help them do it too.

And, yes, I know it's really arrogant of me to say "I often feel like the smartest person in the room" and that's actually a thing that I have been working on reconciling for years. But also, I'm not the only person who says that I am brilliant, so I'm going to just accept that it sounds the way it sounds. I have to remember that just because someone does things differently than I would doesn't mean they are doing it wrong (a problem I run into in the reverse obviously) but also just because a group has always done something a certain way doesn't mean that it's outdated, it may be (and likely is) rooted in best practices that I haven't learned yet. I also had to learn the difference between "unintelligent" and "uneducated."

A big challenge that I have here is I get bored easily when learning new things. It doesn't take me as long to learn the basics, as I mentioned above ... just enough to be dangerous ... and then I want to be off to the races making something new rather than learning the rest of the how to for the thing. I have to force myself (or be forced, sometimes) to slow down and keep learning. I've encountered this as a student, as a kinkster, as a partner, as a developer, as a GM, etc.

For example: I've been running D&D since 2017 and only just in the past year have I been learning how to be really good at combat. I don't enjoy it, so I just railroaded my players around it rather than learning how to do it. Some of that I can compensate for (I've decided to run The Wild Beyond the Witchlight this fall because it is a low combat adventure), but sometimes I have to grit my teeth and read every word of the instructions before assembly rather than figuring it out as I go.

Responsible

I have rewritten this section twice, for the record. I got two paragraphs in and wrote: Wait ... am I actually responsible? The caveat to this one is that I have ADHD, which impairs some of my skills in this area. However, I remain proud of this descriptor. I know that I sometimes have a desire for perfection that simply isn't real. 

For much of my life I have been treated older than I was. There's lots of trauma associated with that, as you might imagine. However, that has led to me knowing how to figure out what needs doing in many cases, even with little guidance. I'm sure that lends itself to the "I'll figure it out, you don't need to tell me how" attitude that I mentioned as a pitfall above. But I am kick-ass at figuring out what needs to get done and making a list. I'm terrible at task initiation and prioritization, though, so I always have to get help with that. (That's the ADHD part.)

In my identity as MzRhythm's scribe, I maintain the household calendar, medical notes, to do lists, etc. But I always need her help to figure out how to get it all done. At times, that part can feel like a moral failing. I've struggled with my desire for the identity of "slave" for a lot of reasons, but one of the reasons is I don't feel capable enough. I have this impression that a slave should be able to maintain her Mistress's (insert your pronouns and labels as you will) household and complete these tasks without assistance or excessive direction. However, "perfection is the worst form of self-abuse," she would say (and often does). And one of the house rules is "Be kind to yourself."

Sensitive

This is a descriptor that I'm NOT fond of, but in the interest of honesty, I have to include it here. It's a bit of a conundrum though ... I am a person who struggles to form attachments. I hate most people when I first meet them and my emotional and social IQs are things I'm working on all the time. But once I have formed an attachment with someone I am often loyal to my own detriment. I am very vulnerable to emotional distress and easily overwhelmed by emotions. 

I used to do this thing to keep myself from getting hurt in relationships: Within the first few months, I would figure out what issues in the relationship would hurt me to the point of breaking the relationship and then rather than trying to fix it, I'd just end the relationship. In the last five years or so, though, that pendulum has swung in the other direction. I convince myself early on that the relationship is forever and then turn a blind eye to (or worse, start justifying) the harmful behavior that is occurring in the relationship as it progresses. Again, failing to fix the things that are wrong with the relationship until they ultimately become the torpedo that takes the whole relationship down in flames.

This is where that radical-but-kind honesty comes back into play. I have to be honest with myself and the people around me about how their behavior is affecting me. I have to let people in, but I also have to learn to vigorously uphold my own boundaries with myself.

The first step to this has been figuring out what boundaries I need to set for myself and then honestly and openly discussing my needs with my partners. It's been a really daunting task to identify my needs. And then to state them out loud! Ugh. Painful. But I'm doing it. One conversation at a time. I'm not always getting it right, but I'm trying really hard to be responsible for my own emotions and needs.

I think a lot of this comes back to the thing I mentioned in the section above: When people always expect you to act older than you are, you don't learn the coping mechanisms and communication methods that are appropriate for your age. Instead, you're constantly faking it (or I was) until you can't fake it anymore and fall apart. Then comes shame for reacting "like a child" and you push those feelings down more so it doesn't happen again. But it does. Over and over and over again. One of the things I am working on in therapy is feeling through some of those key moments throughout my life and validating my own feelings about how those situations went down. This is helping me learn to regulate my emotions in ways that I should have learned half a lifetime ago, but also teaching me how to be a parent who supports her children through their distress, rather than yelling at them for their expression of it (which I am still guilty of at times). Because let me tell you, that does not work.

Meanwhile, learning to build in space in my life for emotional regulation and coping mechanisms is so so important to making my world be less distressing. For the last two days, about 2 p.m. I start getting very upset and distressed. So today, I arranged to work elsewhere this afternoon. And it didn't solve the fact that 2 p.m. irritation and anxiety struck right on schedule, but it did give me space to deal with those things without triggers bombarding and exacerbating them.

Adventurous

I'm going to say it again, I get bored. Easily. And the ADHD doesn't help.

I live for dynamic environments with short deadlines and high stakes. That's why I worked as a newspaper designer for a decade. Because every day I'd show up to blank pages, and I'd have 7 hours to make something magical happen. It was a rush, a creative frenzy, and I loved every minute of it. I thrived in that environment until that job was outsourced in 2017.

I can be incredibly impulsive when I'm in the midst of a creative endeavor (see this 4k word essay about 10 words). It's led to everything from wild midnight beach trips (some of which resulted in traffic tickets, oops) and spontaneous kitchen dance parties (with fewer consequences). And let's be honest, those moments have been nothing short of fantastic. 

But sometimes, that means that the responsible things don't the attention they deserve. Those to-do lists I mentioned above? They can sometimes take a back seat when adventure beckons. Safety factors? They've been known to get disregarded when the thrill of the moment takes over (hence the speeding tickets). Committing to a routine? Well, that's always been a bit of a struggle. And don't even get me started on the number of software solutions I've tried — and promptly discarded — for managing the household. It's like I'm on a perpetual quest for the ultimate system, but it always feels just out of reach. I don't think the software is really the problem. The call is coming from inside the house.

This is another area where I feel incredibly fulfilled when I'm in the midst of an adventure, but returning home to floors that need to be swept and a sink that's backing up because I forgot to call around about the broken garbage disposal can be brutal.  Being adventurous, while exhilarating and filled with impulsive moments of joy, can sometimes be a wild ride where responsibilities and routines find themselves in the backseat. I'm still figuring out where that equilibrium needs to live.

Idealistic

I have so many thoughts about how to make the world a better place, but sometimes it feels incredibly disheartening and impossible to achieve. I believe that it is usually done one person, one conversation at a time ... but the world is so so big. I just think that the world would be a better place if every human was treated with full rights and dignities of the most privileged persons.

I've been called a Social Justice Warrior (only once to my face, though ... I feel like that number is too low and I should be trying harder). But sometimes I sound like Dr. Horrible: "The world is a mess and I just need to rule it!"

I believe all humans have the right to good food, clean water, safe housing, and an average human lifespan that's not locked behind a paywall. And when I say every person, I mean ALL – no exceptions, no exclusions. I have so many quotes for this section and I won't go on for too long. But one of my favorite song lyrics lately is: "I deserve the right to go outside, to be in public and survive," from (One Nation Underdogs, Royal and the Serpent). 

So I do what I can. I led a book club for my parish that people are still talking about. We read So You Want to Talk About Race, by Ijeoma Oluo. We contribute to the Detroit Justice Center bail fund when we can. I'm not a keyboard warrior, but I do message people privately when I think they've posted something that misses the mark (it works better that litigating things in the comments, I have found). But it never feels like enough. There's always another thing. What even is justice? Who gets to decide what justice looks like? 

And here's where the idealism comes with its own drawbacks. While this idealistic drive fuels my determination to fight for a fairer world, it can also lead to frustration and despair when reality doesn't match the lofty ideals. And it's even worse when I realize that I have not lived up to my own ideals in treating people with the kind of compassion and fairness that I want to see in the world or that I've learned something new and my past behavior was problematic.

At the end of the day, I think I have to accept that we are all doing the best we can and doing what we think is right for ourselves and our communities. There are opportunities to educate, but not every situation is going to end in a perfect outcome. But hopefully our "better angels" will guide us as a society to a more just world.

Philosophical

This is going to be the shortest section. I find a lot of meaning in my spiritual practice and I have a lot of philosophical musings that I would love to share with anyone who wants to hear them. But I would feel more comfortable sharing these in person so you can see the passion I have when I talk about them.

Courageous

Sometimes when I think about courage, I think about a mighty warriors charging fearlessly into battle, armed to the teeth and ready to conquer. But, if I'm being entirely honest, I'm not that kind of courageous. My courage has a different shade — it's the quiet, understated kind that opts for discretion over confrontation.

I'm the person who, when faced with uncomfortable situations, chooses to pull someone aside privately and have that difficult conversation. It's the kind of courage that says, "Hey, those comments you've been making about me, they're unwanted and making me uncomfortable." It's about addressing the issue without shaming them or causing them to lose face in front of everyone. It's a softer, yet still undeniably courageous approach to standing up for oneself.

On the flip side, constantly facing my fears can be emotionally taxing, and there are moments when it feels like I'm pushing myself to the limit.

And let's get one thing straight — everything scares me. For me, courage is about having the audacity to push through it, even when my hands are shaking.

Ambitious

The last piece of this puzzle is ambition. And like all the rest, it is a double-edged sword. I'm the kind of person who sets some seemingly unreachable goals and somehow manages to achieve some pretty fantastic things. It's exhilarating when it all comes together and all the hard work becomes worth it. But, here's the catch, I'm no stranger to stumbling and falling flat on my face sometimes (sometimes literally), which is not only embarrassing but disheartening. Those moments of failure can feel like a punch in the gut, and I'm left wondering if I aimed too high or even if I am good enough.

Sometimes, I don't even start because I worry that I'm going to fail. I undermine myself in my language when I talk to others about things I want to do. Self-doubt is a bitch. 

And let's not forget about the ever-present specter of burnout. It's sneaky one, often arriving when I least expect it, right in the midst of a really successful period. I've learned the hard way that even when things are going exceptionally well, it's crucial to pace myself and ensure there's room for rest and rejuvenation. The challenge is I don't always know what that looks like in the moment.

But the allure of success is strong in this one and there's always something new conquer, fresh challenges to embrace, and more efficient ways to reach those lofty goals. Innovation has become my ally in this journey; it's my way of keeping my restless attention span focused and productive. And you know what? I'm genuinely proud of some of the cool, creative things I've managed to create along the way.

So this has gone on a lot longer than I thought it would when I set out to answer the journal prompt: What are ten words you would use to describe yourself?

In considering which ten words define who I am, I have found a dynamic puzzle of traits and values that shape my existence. Each of these descriptors, whether in its positivite or its negative aspect, contributes to the complexity of my identity. I commit to embracing the strengths and challenges of these ten words that define me, acknowledging that they are the threads that weave the intricate tapestry that makes me — well — me.

[spellboundshadow]

Fall 2023 Journal Index

Today is the fall equinox, which means it’s time for fall resolutions. I’ve looked at journal prompts from three books I own and a tumblr account I follow, and I have decided that from the equinox to the solstice, I will journal at least 500 words per day and post them to somewhere.

Today I explored prompts I think I would like to answer in the next 13 weeks and where they are sourced from. These are the four resources I am constraining myself to for this quarter:

- Planner and Guided Journal by Polyamory Uncensored

- You Are the Magic You Seek by Kristen Drozdowski (a gift from PixieDreamGirl_)

- 365 Days of Submission by Luna Carruthers of Submissive Guide

- Submissive Coffee Club (@sccwriting)

There are thousands of journal prompts out there for exploring identity, submission, and polyamory (not to mention other topics).

For example, I really love the weekly posts that Service Oriented Conference puts out about service. And MadamGen has a great list of questions to ponder about polyamory. Meanwhile, I am reading Slavecraft and rereading Polysecure, which may lend itself to exploration of topics that aren’t in any of the journal resources above. (I also wouldn't hate it if someone decided to gift me the Polysecure Workbook wink wink) 

But who knows, I could wake up one day and decide to go anarchist on this whole thing and just start writing whatever I feel like in the moment. It’s a choose my own adventure!

To be clear, this is not something that my Mistress has tasked me with. However I do hope that by tending to this dimension (intellectual) of wellness for myself that I will (1) be a healthier, happier person who does the things she enjoys on the regular and (2) find a path toward being a better partner, parent, friend, and community member.

(For reference: 8 dimensions of wellness.)

I want to explore ways that I experience and explore polyamory, what my submission looks like (past, present, and future), and how my identity is evolving as I grow as a person.

Index

This part is an index of the writings that I create as a result of this resolution.

2023-09-22: What are ten words you would use to describe yourself? (from 365 Days of Submission) [14 min read]

2023-09-24: Where are you on your polyam journey and where do you hope to go? (from Polyamory Uncensored) [7 minute read]

2023-09-25: What are signs that your intuition is talking to you? (You Are the Magic You Seek) [5 minute read]

2023-09-27: Reflect on your daily life and describe in detail an everyday activity that you have ritualized (from Submissive Coffee Club) [3 minute read]

2023-09-28: What special training would you like to have? (365 Days of Submission) [5 minute read]

2023-09-29: Full Moon Free Write [11 minute read]

2023-10-04: Protocol class attended on Oct. 3, 2023 [3 minute read]

[spellboundshadow]

A Dance of Shadow and Light

Hello loves, I'm Shadow.

I invite you on a whimsical journey with me, to find where the mystical meets the mercurial. Together, we'll explore the intricate threads of desire, submission, and empowerment, guided by the wisdom of the ancestors and the mischief of the fae.

I invite you to wander moonlit forests, where ancient knowledge is whispered by dragonflies, and where we'll uncover the hidden desires that bind us. Curiosity is our compass when our hearts are open to the unknown.

On this page, you'll find my musings, spells, and stories that traverse the depths of our desires and the heights of our dreams. Welcome to a world where shadows keep secrets, and every flicker of light reveals a new facet of our true selves.