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"An Unweeded Garden" - the worst Hamlet essays, ever

Just watched some hilarious Shakespeare with Seri, so I thought I’d post this.

By Michael F. LaGory, compiled from student essays on Hamlet (1975-1991):

*****

At the start of the play the mood changes. The air on the guard platform is crispy. A ghost appears, but he is forbidden to tell Hamlet about his morbid lifestyle. Hamlet decides to act madly. He gets in an antic position. Polonius finds him manually walking. He tells Rosencrantz and Guildernstern that Fortune is a trumpet. Later the Prince will unleash his true colors. A mental and physical character, Hamlet uses his mental powers intellectually. His nature leads him to different places. Bedraggled by suspicion and uncertainty, his “O that this too too sullied flesh would melt” soliloquy unfolds the petals of his blooming character. Alone, he wonders whether to be or to not be. He gets psyched out by the thoughts of death, and thinks real philosophical thoughts, mentality-wise. For instance, death is a tragedy and it’s not worth giving your life for. Dying is something one does not do every day. Everyone hopes to possess the quality of reason. Thinking greatly influenced success or failure in life. But mental retardity is a universal flaw of all human beings.

Ophelia is lower class. She is a real airhead. Polonius and Laertes feed negative input into her mind. Polonius, the Lord Chambermaid, wants Ophelia to put her relationship on hold. She tells Hamlet she can’t go out with him anymore. Her father uses underminded tactics. He wants to gather data on the Prince. So she reports her impressions as an obedient daughter of Hamlet. With “doublet all unbraced,” Ophelia speaks to Hamlet, and finds him strangely excited. In those times women’s place was in the kitchen. That’s why Ophelia didn’t get a job, like in our society today. We can infer that Hamlet and Ophelia conceived an illegitimate child by reading between the lines. In the end she drowns to death.

Hamlet has a thing for his mother. He has an edible complex. Gertrude is an obvious woman. She is one of the most unfaithful wives of all time. However, she is not at the mercy of her brain. When Polonius enters Gertrude the Queen is bored and asks for “More matter and less art.” Her son accuses her of incense. Hamlet finally comes out of the closet with Polonius, after reaching an understanding with the Queen.

We also learn about the characters of Claudius. His downfall begins to arise when an uprising led by Laertes befalls him. Laertes is consumed by a thirst for revenge. In the graveshift scene Hamlet  talks to Yorick and speculates the type of person once existed in  the skull. The Gravedigger’s pronunciation examplifies his unlearnedness.

It is fitting that Hamlet should die when his life comes to an end. Another tragic hero, Oedipus, forces out his eyes and condoms himself. Horatio speaks a eulogy to the Great Dane.

Shakespeare uses phrases throughout the play. He writes in pyrrhic monometer. He wrote all his books in Old English so they would be hard to understand but more artistic. He quotes a lot of famous sayings, like “Something’s rotten in Denmark” and “To thine own self be true.”

T. S. Eliot wrote an essay about Shakespeare’s novel. He could not  find Hamlet convincing, so Shakespeare revised the original comedy by Thomas Kyd. Eliot offered ideas which Shakespeare should have  done, but Shakespeare didn’t use them. His final advise to the reader is to understand things which Shakespeare didn’t understand  himself.

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Our Final Battle

Morticia Addams x Miss Piggy

No summary, just a shitpost.

Context: @sexypeople-contests-2025

Cw: doomed yuri, sesbian lex, nsfw, mdni, low-effort smut written by an asexual take it or leave it, vage description of battlefield, death, horribly ooc, pet name usage, characters kind of break the 4th wall, no beta this is too cursed for that, usage of c-word, usage of "muppet hole", badly patched plot hole using "laws of fiction"

This was written in like 3 hours, I did NOT go back and edit, and I just did this for the bit. 1,231 words of slop coming your way.

The battlefield was quiet. Finally. The battle that raged just days prior was finally coming to an end, but a winner was still yet to be named. In a free for all only one can remain, and right now there were two.

Morticia Addams stepped over the still-convulsing body of Jessie - her opponent from just the day prior. She reveled in the scene around her. Positively lovely she thought. If only Gomez were here to enjoy this with me…

She took a moment to let out a wistful sigh, and then turned around to face the foe that had quietly appeared behind her.

“Miss Piggy. Enjoying the atmosphere? I certainly am.” The easy smile on her face and chipper tone contrasted the gruesome sight around her in a way that infuriated Miss Piggy in a way she hadn't felt since…

It wasn't the time to think of old grievances now. Miss Piggy was here on a mission: serve cunt and win the tumblr sexywoman competition.

“Any last words, Mrs. Addams?” She raised her nail-riddled bat at the tall woman.

“Oh my, is it truly time already?” Morticia quipped. “I would have hoped to have spoken with you. You seem delightfully skilled in the homicidal arts.” She moves aside her shawl to grab a vial of cyanide hidden between her breasts - a motion that embarrassingly captures Miss Piggy's attention - “but it seems our date must be cut short.”

“Date?” Miss Piggy breathes. She had been enraptured by the effortless flowy movements of her supposed opponent, and only the insinuation of a romantic occasion could tear her attention away from Morticia’s breast.

The fluster doesn't go unnoticed by Morticia.

In one fluid motion she steps in to meet Miss Piggy, one hand wrapped around the silk glove grasping the bloody bat, and the other under Miss Piggy’s beautiful felted chin.

The grip on the bat loosens.

“Morticia…” the word comes out in a breathy near-moan. “What are you doing? You know the polls won’t let us have th-”

“Hush, ma chérie… Let’s embrace each other while we have our final battle.” She wants for Miss Piggy's slight nod and goes in for a passionate kiss. “You know I always did find doomed yuri quite ravishing.”

And ravish she did. Miss Piggy was used to being dominant and serving cunt, but under Morticia’s thumb she was the one getting her cunt served. Morticia was aggressive and persistent, much unlike her usual calm demeanor, but that did’t mean she wasn't sweet. The kisses she peppered up and down Miss Piggy’s neck were hot and passionate. They lingered on her puppet felt, and made her shiver in anticipation. This final battle was NOT going to plan. Usually there would be an opponent, a vicious (usually one-sided in Miss Piggy's case) battle that would only end once the polls did, then the next day another opponent. Today was different. She came to meet an enemy, but instead there was a lover.

“Miss Piggy, it seems you were too entranced to answer my question.”

Miss Piggy was snapped back to reality at Morticia’s sultry voice. She was so intoxicated by Morticia’s skillful mouth that she failed to realize the writer changed the scene and she was now pressed up against a bedroom wall. The laws of fiction were truly out of her hands.

Miss Piggy focused on Morticia’s deep black eyes. They were full of sincere worry and a hint of a mischievous spark. It seemed she was enjoying Miss Piggy's disheveled state at least a little bit.

“Are the polls getting to you already, Darling?” Morticia said with a smirk. “It’s only 50.9% to 49.1% in my favor. Don’t let me win too early~” she teased.

Miss Piggy scoffed at that. Yes, the polls did grant sexypeople power, but such a trivial difference would never weaken her substantially. Her sorry state right now was all Morticia’s doing…

“Are you too afraid you’ll break me, dear Mortie?” she taunted. “Why don't you battle me in bed like a real woman?” On some level Miss Piggy knew this taunt could lead to her undoing, but as a lifelong diva, she couldn't help but be a bit of a brat in the bedroom.

Either way, her words were effective. Morticia wasted no time in scooping up the Muppet and promptly tossing her on the bed. Miss Piggy's dress hem rode up, and Morticia locked onto her target, licking her fingers and going to work on Miss Piggy's quivering muppet hole.

The sudden entrance was surprisingly careful, and the intense back arch and moan that Miss Piggy released was a testament to how good Morticia’s fingers felt.

“M- Mortie- your fingernails- ngh~ are perfectly filed-” she said between increasingly intense gasps. “Were you- planning this?”

Morticia couldn't help but throw her head back in a hearty laugh at Miss Piggy's endearingly self-centered comment. “No, Darling. I wish I could say I planned our lovely encounter, but my dear Gomez and I are in an open marriage. How else would I know how to please your Muppet hole so well~” Morticia plunged her fingers deeper and spread them out to prove her point. Miss Piggy's grasp on the bedsheets tightened, and Morticia knew she had been successful at getting her point across.

To Morticia there was something heady about watching Miss Piggy squeal under her. As someone who Pulls Bitches™, even she was surprised at how breathless she had gotten while pleasing her piggy princess.

“Mortie~” Miss Piggy moaned, “I don't know if I can fight you to the death after this~” she said through tears of both despair and pleasure.

“Then let this be our battle, Darling. First to cum is the loser of the tumblr sexywoman contest.”

Morticia tried to keep her composure and maintain at least an illusion that her proposal was fully in her favor, but in truth, she was barely holding back her own arousal. The risk of death made their game of love even sweeter, and that didn't go unnoticed by Miss Piggy either.

“Mortie- n-no! I know you’re close too, and I can't let you lose! I can't lose you!” Tears welled in Miss Piggy's seductive half-lidded eyes, but Morticia cupped Miss Piggy’s cheek and wiped away the tears before they could fall.

“Queens like you shouldn't cry, ma chérie.” Morticia gently lifted the teary Miss Piggy into her lap. Miss Piggy hugged her lover’s neck tightly and held back her tears as she said “I’m ready. For my final battle with you, show me heaven.”

“We’ll see who waits for whom by the end of the hour.” Morticia then pulled Miss Piggy into a passionate kiss. Their tongues danced back and forth in time with the ebbs and flows of the polls. Their passion reached a crescendo; Miss Piggy riding Morticia's hand, and Morticia feeding her arousal on Miss Piggy grinding on her lap.

Finally, when their passion reached it’s peak, the wave of tension between them broke and the winner of the sexywoman polls stepped out into her lonely victory…

Wrote this to fuel the Miss Piggy agenda.

Felt cute, mught delete later.

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We’ve been working on our April Fool’s asmr parody series for many months now, and so we hope you guys enjoy! ~ We will be attempting to post one video of this series every day throughout the month of April! Stay tuned for more 💙

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call him bubonic the way he plagues me

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"Aro/Ace person gets given a love potion" story but instead of them being immune or whatever, it DOES work, and they realize IMMEDIATELY that they've been fed a love potion because this feeling is so wrong and foreign but everyone keeps laughing off the idea of it being a love potion because "they were probably just a late bloomer" or "no, you just finally found the right person!" and it's just a horror story about how no one believes them even though they know, they KNOW this isn't right and they can't stand it.

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Two halves of one whole haircut

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The tumblr version of "fellas, is it gay to like women?"

Misandry is not a real societal force but I'm gonna fucking make it one. You men DESERVE to be hated. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU. I dont care what your cock is. Youre dead

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HI MY NAM IS EBONY DARK'NESS DEMENTIA RAVEN WAY ADN TDAY IM STEBBIN JUILIUS CEEZER FOR BEIN A PREP, WESH ME LUCK EMOS!!!!

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A Face Only for Me

Ayato x gn!reader

Summary: Ayato is the ideal partner. Sweet, genuine, and serious, all in one perfect and dignified package. At least that's what he's like to everyone else. When it's just the two of you he lets his mask slip and it's driving you insane.

Cw: no smut, angst, toxic relationships, gaslighting, psychological abuse, physical harm of a partner mentioned, lack of support system, manipulation, and staying in an abusive relationship.

DEAD DOVE! If any of these content warnings affect you emotionally or psychologically, please avoid this fic.

This is my first fic since my shitty 14-year old wannabe wattpad writer days, so if you want some masterpiece, this ain't it. It survived instant deletion and it got beta-read, so it should at least be readable. Please enjoy!

Ayato didn't love you. He said he did. He doted on you, bought you gifts, and played the role of a kind and loving partner in front of others, but when you were alone he shed his perfect facade. The way his mask never slipped in front of others made you feel insane at times. Were you just hallucinating this other side of him? You knew you weren't, but all your attempts to make it real - make it known to someone else - simply made you look like a vindictive lover trying to smear their partner’s name after a petty quarrel.

It's not like you were always silent about Ayato’s “other side.” You can think of a dozen or more times you tried desperately to reach out to the people around you. The time you confided in Ayaka months ago is still a fresh and unpleasant memory.

“Ayaka, has your brother ever seemed a little… off to you when you’re alone?” you asked tentatively. It was a quiet early spring afternoon. You and Ayaka were sitting outside, embroidering the peach blossoms that had recently appeared around the Kamisato Estate. The calming lukewarm air gave you a a surge of bravery to discuss the uneasy feeling you’ve had with your partner these last two months since moving with him.

Ayaka slowed her sewing and replied lighty with a hint of confusion.“How do you mean?”

The ease of her tone helped you keep your courage strong and your voice steadfast while you explained. “Ayato's started to act unusually when we’re alone. He’s short with me. I don’t think it’s anything I did wrong, but his gaze has… a pressure I can’t exactly explain. He has this look - I don't quite know how to describe it - almost like he doesn't like me, but the moment I say something he goes back to normal, as if it never happened…”

You looked back up at Ayaka, expecting a comforting look. One of concern, or understanding, or even confusion. Anything other than the small chuckle and dismissal you recieved. “Oh, was that the issue? I was worried for a moment this was something serious.” The soft smile Ayaka wore while she shattered your trust in her was depressingly benign. “The work my brother does as the Kamisato Clan Head is stressful, you know. He might seem a bit impatient with you sometimes because he’s overworked, but I promise my brother doesn't hate you.” As she reached over to put away the unfinished embroidery sitting on your lap, she added “Anyone with working eyes can see how much he dotes on and cherishes you. Please, allow him a little grace. After all, he does so much for you.” Finishing her task, Ayaka stood and left you sitting on the engawa alone and hopeless.

This moment had solidified the understanding of your vulnerable position. No one believed you and even worse, not even Ayato’s closest family members were aware of the monster masquerading as the dignified Kamisato Head.

After Ayaka's dismissal it took a long time for you to find your voice. You could barely find the heart to blame her. No matter who you talked to, you were met with the same reaction.

He pushes his nails into your neck when you kiss. "He’s just a little careless because he's too eager to share his affection."

He cuts you off before speak when you're about to disagree with him. "It just seems like that because you’re too passive during conversation."

He bumps into you a little too hard when you pass by each other in doorways. "You’re too light! Eat a little more so you don't get jostled."

His comments on your appearance and clothing are a bit too cutting. "The Kamisato Head’s future spouse must uphold a certain standard."

He smirked when you broke down and cried to him about his behavior. "There’s no way you saw him properly through your tears. He would never laugh at a crying lover."

You've lived at the Kamisato Estate for over half a year. The genuine love and excitement you had at sharing a living space with your partner has long faded. You were now just tired and drained. Every hidden aggressive action whittled down the love you felt for him. Sometimes a week would go by where Ayato was his old sweet and loving self. Other times a week of being ignored, belittled, and humiliated would come instead. After every “incident” where you attempted to confide in someone, Ayato would make sure to publicly spoil you with all sorts of expensive commodities. To your friends and the Estate’s staff it seemed like you were the manipulative one. Every gift and puppy-faced apology made you look worse. More vindictive. More jealous. More self-absorbed.

“Did you give me these flowers in front of Thoma just to make me look bad?”

Ayato paused his work to look up at you. You nervously adjusted the flowers in the vase, awaiting his reply. The small shuffle of documents and the light huff of Ayato rising from his sitting position heralded your lover’s approach. You didn't dare look up at him, even when he kneeled next to you and gently caressed your shoulder.

“My love, why would you ever think I would do that to you?” He sounded hurt at the very thought. You felt Ayato’s hand cup your cheek. You let him lift your head to face him, and you instantly felt a sharp stab of guilt when you saw the tears threatening to spill out of the corners of his eyes. “My apology was genuine. I know I can’t be enough for you all the time, but please.” The crack in his voice broke your heart. “I need a little leniency. Am I truly as cruel a lover as you say?” You opened your mouth to say-

Say what…?

Ayato’s misty lavender eyes were now staring into yours with such desperation and sincerity that you folded immediately. There’s no way this sensitive, genuine man in front of you was hurting you on purpose. You had to be mistaken. The real him was right here in front of you, stroking your cheek with his thumb - rough from the endless work days of writing - with such a softness that you could melt.

“I- Ayato-”

You couldn't form the words to properly apologize. A wave of shame passed over you, causing tears to break their way to the surface. Ayato took you into his arms and allowed you to cry into his shoulder. “I forgive you, my love. Don’t worry. It’s okay, I still love you.”

In his embrace you felt guilty for not trusting him. The way he rocked your shaking body and stroked your back as you sobbed into him calmed you. It was the feeling you had when you first fell in love with him, unburdened by the pressure of a noble standard or the responsibility of a Clan Head’s partner.

Ayato gently carried your tired-out form to your shared futon and tucked you in. The anger and stress faded as he embraced you from behind, but at the same time you felt a little more lonely. You couldn't quite understand why, but the sense that you had just lost a peice of freedom grew every time you forgave him. At least he still loves me when I’m this flawed you thought, as the last shred of energy left your body, and you drifted to sleep…

And that's a wrap! If you find any spelking mistakes please leave a comment correcting me. I'd appreciate it. This is probably gonna be the only fic I write since creative writing is like pulling teeth for me, except I'd rather just get my teeth pulled.

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bring back horny dykes wtf is a wuh luh wuh

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I should really stop asking questions I don't think I want answers to.

Effigy of the muppet joker. Nail polish on crochet doll. 2024.

Created by @me0wdy-pardner

I have things in store for him

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Why is there no Soulja Girl?

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Read it and weep.

Berserk (1997)

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Bethany Hymen Rage caught simping over a MAN in 4k

Berserk (1997)

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Nah, I'm pretty sure the plot of like 50% of the japanese/american ABO and 80% of the chinese abo I've read has "lawmakers ignore alpha rapists and blame omega victims" as like THE plot point or reason why the omega hates alphas or wants to succeed in life.

Healthcare issues reflected in yaoi ✊😔