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You are not wasting your therapist’s time.

You are not faking it for attention.

You are not using up services that other people need more.

You deserve help.

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So, turns out BPD may not be the correct diagnosis for me. Or at least for most of me.

Anyone get told regularly, you don’t seem like you have BPD? But still identify personally with symptoms? Maybe occasionally you exhibit classic BPD symptoms, when all other options to turn them inward have been taken away?

Have you experienced trauma at an incredibly you g age?

Do you have voice in your head that aren’t yours, but also aren’t hallucinations; coming from the external world?

Not knowing who you are can be a strong symptom. Things part of you want are in massive contrast to others.

Can’t remember experiences you know have happened? Get emotional amnesia; knowing you felt awful five minutes ago, but having no idea why or what you felt exactly? Or your mood flips to extreme depression, sucidality in seconds, with no apparent trigger.

Ever feel like a situation your in, doesn’t apply to you, even though you know it has to;

Example; if you can drive, wondering how you got somewhere because ‘you can’t drive’. Something your holding isn’t yours. Something in your bag, you don’t remember buying. Not being able to read & take in information that should be second nature.

These are just a few things I can think of off the top of my head. Turns out, these were a few indications of something called OSDD type 1. Otherwise specified dissociative disorder. Don’t get scared, but it’s similar to DID. There’s typically two types discussed, but not actually listed in the DSM. A few things that possibly differentiate OSDD from DID is either less defined parts/identies/alters, they may be you at different ages. You don’t have complete amnesia between parts/identities/alters, it might be more like I described above. Or your parts/identities/alters don’t completely take over, they just make you act in ways/think in ways, that may be very different to how you would normally think/feel/behave; ‘blended’ with the parts/identities/alters rather than becoming them.

Look into it. Talk to your mental health professionals. Have a MID assessment done ‘multidimensional inventory of dissociation’.

I really like the book ‘healing the fragmented selves of trauma suriviors’ by Janina fisher.

I scored high is PTSD, dissociation & amnesia on it but non existent on BPD symptoms. It gave me a possible diagnosis of DID or OSDD. However, the BPD symptoms IMO are quiet ‘classic BPD’ anyways..

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A helpful 101 guide to rooting out fatphobia in yourself:

•Stop commenting on or bringing up other people’s weight changes. Seriously, full stop. There’s no way to do this well. “Compliments” about weight changes do not exist. Just. Don’t. Comment. On. Weight.

•Simply don’t point out, talk about, mock, or make fun of fat people, NO MATTER HOW FAT THEY ARE. (I can’t believe I have to say that.)

•Stop commenting negatively about your own body size/shape. If you need to speak with someone about this, like a therapist, please do. Society is fatphobic as fuck so it’s natural to have internalized fatphobia and have bad body feelings. But to the absolute best of your abilities, do not pollute public air space with your body negativity. This mentality is often LEARNED from others and you don’t need to be another voice in the chorus teaching fatphobia.

•Stop commenting on other people’s food choices, diets, etc. It’s not your place.

•ENTIRELY remove the words “obese” (based on junk BMI nonsense) and “overweight” (over WHAT weight?) from your vocabulary.

•Do not place morality on simply eating. Stop saying things like “I’m being bad today” when eating a treat or saying you feel “guilty” for eating certain stuff. (Or the opposite that you’re being “good” when you eat a salad.) Eating is necessary for your body! And it’s allowed to be enjoyable.

•STOP FRAMING EXERCISE AS PUNISHMENT YOU INFLICT ON YOUR BODY FOR EATING. Exercise because you find activities you enjoy! Exercise because working out your body makes you feel strong or powerful! That’s all great! Shut the hell up about “working off that donut.”

•If someone not fat uses fat as an insult or says they “FEEL FAT” (god I hate that phrase) shut it down. It can be as simple as “That’s not cool, please don’t use fat as an insult.” If you don’t feel comfortable shutting it down then literally just do not say anything. Don’t encourage or engage in the discussion. AND! Please! For the love of god! Don’t be all “you’re not fat, you’re beautiful.”

•If someone who IS fat says they’re fat for the love of god again DON’T SAY “you’re not fat, you’re beautiful.”

•Understand and accept that your body is fully yours but ONLY your body is yours and you have no right to judge what someone else does to theirs. Have I mentioned that society is fatphobic as fuck...so judgy thoughts about other people’s food or clothing choices happen, but when these thoughts emerge, remind yourself: that is THEIR body. Not yours.

•Accept that there’s no wrong way to have a body. Everyone already has a “beach body” or a “bikini body” if they want to. An “athletic body type” is any body playing a sport. YOU might think “she doesn’t have the body to pull off that outfit” but SHE obviously disagrees, so mind your own business.

•If you are not fat yourself, shop at size inclusive retailers. If you won’t shop from someplace that someone who wears a XXXL can’t shop from, you’ll develop some empathy for this topic reeeeeal quickly.

•If you are not fat and you’re going out with friends/family who are, think in advance about how they can be accommodated. Has your fat friend commented on the uncomfortable, narrow booths at the restaurant you’re meeting her at for dinner before? Request a table and not a booth when you check in at the host stand. Or asking your fat friend out for a shopping trip—does the store have things she can buy too?

WHAT ELSE??? Feel free to chime in!

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“You can’t break me, if I’ve already done it myself.

You can’t shame me, if I’ve already done it myself.

You can’t drown me, if I’ve already done it myself...

... If I hate myself enough, can I call it kindness?”

Mary Lambert- shame

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For who ever needs it right now. Be kind to yourself for the years mental illness has taken. Even if it doesn’t feel like it now, it’s okay to be exactly where you’re at. You can still have a meaningful life. It’s not a race. Definitely a hard one for me to accept too 💕

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does anyone knows any reliable sources or organisations that are helping the firefighters or the animals (adoption etc) in the australia bushfires? i just got my salary from my part-time job and decided to donate some out to those who are affected in the bushfires 🤍

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hey!!!!!! congrats!!!!! why??? you ask???? because you made it to today!!! even after everything !! i’m so proud of you!!

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Hope this serves as a reminder that you’ve made it through all of your bad days so far, you will make it through this one. Sending all the loves x

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Just some facts if you ever need them

From ‘the mighty’ (.com)

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Coping Cupboard!

I’ve recently moved back home, and it’s been a perfect time to re-evaluate, add to, and organize my coping skills items.  I thought I would share about my little cupboard in case in the hopes that it might give someone else a few ideas!

Okay, Let’s look at the big items first:

pink bucket: this is for the TIPP skill.  I leave it empty despite it taking up more space, because then it is easily accessible and visible for those moments that I need it.

Blue binders (2): These contain the notes and handouts from the times I did IOP and residential treatment.  Same goes for the composition notebook.

Green and white folder: hold art I made in IOP and residential.

Green medication container

And in the very back right corner (hidden atm) are my medications to put inside the green med container!

Now, what’s in that colorful box?

Scents!  

rosemary extract

peppermint extract

spruce essential oil

lavender sachet

cinnamon in a tiny necklace bottle

soap!

four candles with different scents

Taste!

minty tic-tacs

cinnamon fireball candies

tea

Touch!

rubber wormy

two rocks

a crystal

blue plastic rock

lamb plushie

Watch!

glitter jar

To Do:

two post-cards to draw on

playing cards

DBT flashcards of different skills

Happy Thoughts:

pendant of little-me from my mother

friendship bracelet

photo of little-me

photos of friends, family, and pets in tiny photobook

Decision Making (for times you know what skills to use, but you can’t make yourself choose/do one)

dice

large coin

But…. what about the larger items I still haven’t addressed?

Oh these things?  :P

My safety plan (tucked into the coloring book for privacy on the picture)

Happy quotes I’ve collected 

The journal I’m writing self-compassion letters in

Two items of lotion

A stress ball 

AND, a weighted blanket I keep beneath my Coping Cupboard

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Now…. Obviously I have a lot of things.  It’s not at all necessary to have so many things!  I’ve just had many years of therapy to collect things….  What i do recommend is finding a highly-visible place to keep them so that you USE THEM.  Frequently.  Not just in crisis.  On any sort-of-low day. The idea is to get into the routine of practicing self-care.  It’s not something you have to feel “bad enough” to use.  Use it often!  Use it just because you want to!  

Personally, I’ve found keeping my medication with my coping items is really helping me think about them and use them more often, since I have to take my meds twice each day.  That’s helped keep these little items in the forefront of my mind.  

Feel free to add on any things you use that are helpful!  

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“For years mental health professionals taught people that they could be psychologically healthy without social support, that ‘unless you love yourself, no one else will love you’ …The truth is, you cannot love yourself unless you have been loved and are loved. The capacity to love cannot be built in isolation.”

— Bruce D. Perry, The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog

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James Corden Responds to Bill Maher’s Fat Shaming Take 

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Tonight I was laying in bed feeling like crap when all of a sudden it hit me how much I’ve been neglecting my sensory needs.

I get home & often turn on my jellyfish lamp because that’s easy sensory. I like low light & tracking things with my eyes, but bright & particularly artificial light is really overwhelming for me. But safe touch is also a big one for me, different textures & weighted blankets are important.

So, I’ve pulled out the box from under my bedside table that’s covered in dust & took a quick picture of what I have there (there’s other things around my room & in my bag). I thought it might be useful for some ideas for people.

I have a glitter jar, a sand timer as well as a few oil in water ‘timers’, a rain maker, a pin art box (I love the feeling of this, I could never keep my hands off them as a kid), bubbles, a heavy stone heart my friend gave me, a hand massager & a bunch of different tactile toys. I also have 3 weighted soft toys, a weighted blanket, more oil in water timers, different lights to either project on the ceiling or move in a water container (similar to a lava lamp), kinetic sand, slime, orbies & a few other tactile things (my favourites are clay, Polly pellets or sand inside a silicone cover).

I know (like my mental health lecturer likes to point out) sensory stuff doesn’t cure anything. But it can help regulate our bodies. Each of us have different sensory needs. Other people like sound & smell more than I do. See if you’re drawn to anything. Sometimes i just can’t figure out how to settle my body & in those moments, sometimes I realise it’s an unmet sensory need, like today. What do you have to lose?