subtle-revolt

[subtle-revolt]

easter sunday

today is Easter Sunday. no message from family. no well wishes, no chocolate eggs, no annoying family lunch. what has become of my life? is this what it means to be an adult?

am I glad? am I sad? would I have appreciated it anyways? I think I secretly always have. as much suffering as I endured to be around my family on these types of days, it was worth it to me. to maybe catch a glimpse of their smiles.

sometimes I feel they’re my last tether to life. and today the tethers felt a little looser.

I dream. ruminate. yearn. I can’t help it. I want to love everything so badly. it’s in my heart, in my eyes, in my bones. I want to feel someone’s touch. my gaze to meet another’s. I feel burned. I feel burned. all over. it hurts. im scared.

I feel so. alone. I have never found another heart like mine. is it that we must find one? or change our own to match another? I can’t do that. I do not have the ability. I’ve tried. and tried.

I often wander in my mind. in the moments where no one is watching. a secret I keep, to a field. to a starry night sky. a place where my innards feel seen. and I cry and cry, smiling, crying. I pray that the world takes me back into her arms. to bring me back to before I was. to bring me to mercy.

I never get to the end of that dream. do I die? do I get up and carry on? it’s as if I haven’t made a decision yet. one day I’ll know. but tonight I will just rest.

[subtle-revolt]

went to my first BDSM rave! interesting experience 4 sure!

did a little bit of shibari for my top, above a white and black long sleeve and my orgasm donor underwear/shorts!

I was going for more of an office siren x BDSM look and idk if I got it, but I hope so!

It’s been a while since I’ve been to an event, at all, let alone one with many people. it’s interesting that for the longest time I thought people were scary and that I didn’t want to be perceived. after last night, I’ve found that people just don’t want to be judged and if you just feel happy doing your own thing, people will naturally gravitate towards you.

I think that was my goal for last night, to just not care about anything. and I didn’t! it was so freeing.

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ache

today i picked up the keys to my new apartment. and you're not here. i'd always imagined you'd be here with me. i cry so hard that I shake. everything reminds me of you. i love music. but as of recent I haven't been able to stomach it. i say recently but I mean the last four months. i wonder if you think about me too. if everything you do reminds you of me, like it does for me. you make it look so easy to move on. is there something wrong with me or is it you that has a problem? why is there a problem anyways? life is too short to avoid and ignore. i wish more people felt the same sentiment. i feel like I'm alone in this world. there was a time when it was me and you against the world. but you're gone. and my heart is left with a friend-shaped hole. i wish we could be friends. but ill always want more. i couldn't do it. not when you're the beginning of my every day and the last of my thoughts before bed. i cant stop my mind from racing. I've resorted to avoiding and distracting. my own worst enemy. i wish we could give each other another chance, another chance to better for each other, to learn from our mistakes. i keep thinking about all the times I took you for granted and how we slowly drifted. i cant admit it to myself. i guess it sucks finding out that you were the one that loved more. please come back to me. i pray. i have been praying because I know that you're running away. from me. i hope when you get tired of running, avoiding and distracting that you'll lay your head on my chest. i cry so hard I shake. i love you. i can barely put into words how distraught I am. i miss talking to you the most. and how hard we would laugh. i miss caressing your face and kissing you. come back to me. almighty god. if you have any mercy, please. all I can do is wait. so ill wait for you. because my mind and my body wont allow anything else. it wont no matter how hard I try. the thought of being with you at the end of this all is the only thing keeping me going. no matter how long it takes. you make me feel whole, like I've gotten everything I've asked for in life. let me try again. let us try again. you need to try too. i love you and ill wait.

[subtle-revolt]

is anyone reading these? it feels like im throwing my thoughts and feelings into the oblivion. maybe that's the way it should be. i wish someone could tell me if they felt the same. am I alone in these feelings.

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letter part 2

i feel like my world has lost it colour. sometimes I wished I never loved you. but here we are. i feel like my heart will stop eventually. i cant take it anymore. maybe you were right, there is no future for us. but I cant stop my heart yearning. it hurts and aches and makes me lose my breath. I've never felt what I feel now for anyone else. when we hug, and your scent fills my nose, I can feel my whole body relax in a warm tingle. when we kiss, its as if your lips were made for mine. when I nuzzle myself in the nape of your neck, it feels like I could never leave. I cant get rid of these feelings.

do you feel these things too? those are the questions that run through my mind. i know you'll never give me the answer to those questions. its embarrassing to think or imagine that you don't feel the way I do. i can feel it by the way you wrap your arms around my waist. its like the universe crafted your body for mine. why do birds suddenly appear, everytime you are near. just like me, they long to be, close to you.

i feel like i have prayed for you all my life. you were my dream come true. my knight in shining armour. maybe I was not something you dreamed of. we travelled the world together. you still traverse in my mind. i wish you'd stop. i don't mean that. i don't know anymore. i feel like I'm bleeding and it wont stop. all I want to do is make you happy. maybe you'll be happier when I'm gone.

i hope i have the strength to live my life without you. i cant stop thinking about you, and I'm so tired. if we cannot be then I don't think I want to continue. i feel like I'm dying from a broken heart. maybe it is something I'll be fighting for the rest of my life, my love for you. i just cant stop thinking that if I don't keep trying, ill die with the regret that we didn't give each other the opportunity to truly love.

even when i'm asleep, you infect my dreams.

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letter to REDACTED

i miss you. those three words haunt me, day in and day out. i feel like my world has been put on pause. i find myself craving your touch, your company. i look through our photos all the time but I can't seem to let go. it seems you have already let me go. i miss waking up to you in the morning, caressing your back as you peacefully snore and dream. i miss hearing about your crazy mind-boggling dreams and laughing at their ridiculousness. I miss the kisses we'd give each other on the cheek. such small sweet gestures. i truly believe that we were meant to be. i guess for you it was not true. i can't wrap my head around the fact that we are not together. you were my lover, but above all, my best friend.

everytime I think about you I cant stop myself from crying. you were, and unfortunately still are, my world. i can't sleep at night. I stay up thinking about you. wondering if you think about me too. I've stopped listening to music because it all makes me think of you. i know you've been trying to distract yourself from the hurt, as am I, but I still cant get you out of my head. believe me I've tried. i cant seem to shake this feeling that I am happiest with you. I thought about it a lot, first, how to stop loving you, second, what we could change to start fresh.

i miss you so dearly. im not sure what I hope to achieve by sending this letter. i just want to scream from the mountain tops about how much I love you. i don't know what's wrong with me. why can't I just leave you alone? why cant I just move on? the thought of you with someone else makes my heart wilt. i don't expect a response from you REDACTED. I'm so angry at myself. why do I still love you? after everything? all I want is to be by your side. I cant keep lying to myself. because I don't hate you. i don't think you're ugly, selfish and vain. as much as I keep trying to convince myself. i see you. i see you as you are and I understand. i always thought that love is a choice. but only now do I realise my error. if I could stop loving you, I would. in a heartbeat. but it wont go away no matter what I do.

i feel helpless. i wish it would stop

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hold on a second man…

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a letter to miso (my cat)

did you know all along? did you know that he wasn't meant to be there all along?

is that why you only slept on his side of the bed, only when he was gone? were you trying to tell me this whole time?

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finale

diary entry #4

i think I've finally done it. I've finally reached the end of my line. i swear I'm trying but nothing changes. I know its me. i know I'm the problem. I've been feeling it for a while now.

i tried to hang myself last week. it obviously didn't work. the damned architecture in this house doesn't have anything hangable. lame but also not lame.

i dont think the ceiling fan would be able to hold my weight, nor would I want anyone to pay for the damages for that when I go. I just cant do it anymore.

i feel so betrayed. like ive never felt before in my life. i want to run and keep running until I just fade away. I wish I could just not be anymore, to simply not exist. my heart hurts so bad, I want to tear it out.

i wish I never spoke

i wish i could just shut the fuck up and maybe then id be likeable, but I'm sick of trying to be.

it hurt my feelings today when dan said no one liked me. and maybe I got upset because I knew it was true. they like him more than they like me. why didn't they tell me before all the things he was saying about me? because I'm simply not worth it. well fuck it. they want him so bad, have him.

i can never have anyone. no one is ever truly my friend. no matter how hard I try. i cant turn to anyone.

i loved you so much. all i wanted was for you to love me back. i adored you, but now I see how much you resented me. i cant do this anymore.

how can you see me cry and sob breathlessly and do nothing to comfort me. after what you've done. i would've given you everything. i changed so much of myself to fit what you wanted. i just wish, I just wish that someone could love me. why cant I accept that? why cant I accept that I cannot be loved. why god. why have you made me so? can you recreate me so that I may be loveable please I beg you

note:

i wrote this on the 17th of Dec 2023. please understand, dear reader, that I am okay now. i am moving forward. but I hope that someone find solace in my writing and a friend who understands what it feels to be betrayed by those that you loved and the unbearable pain that follows when you cannot stop seeking their love in return

[subtle-revolt]

it is april the 3rd 2024

diary entry #3

I feel like I've been avoiding writing for it is much easier to avoid than it is to think and confront. I feel as if I've been subjected to a life of poetic misery in the shape of a knife. I've recently been distracting my mind with dostoyevky, and unfortunately finding similarities in my life with the misery and dreary writings.

I have so much love to give that it aches and burns. some days all i want to do is love and i feel i cannot do much else, but if one must beg for reciprocation than it is undeserved.

why is it that we cannot choose the ones that love us? why is it?

I feel like ive been denied the simple human desire to be loved and that I'm searching blindly for someone to show me that I can be. why must all men I love turn out to be wolves in sheeps clothing? can we not be truthful? can we not be loving? can we not be kind anymore?

what has capitalism taken from us, this invisible cost to the mountains of profit. what ELSE has been taken? other than my freedom to eat, to sleep and to breathe? my feelings and my ability to love too?

when there are so many in the world who prioritise their careers, profits, and financial success rather than the complete realisation of their passions, purpose and unlimited capability to be kind. the latter of which we have infinite amounts to give with no money required.

how much will we let it take until there is nothing left other than monotonous, profit-driven, and unfeeling husks of our former selves? but we are not these fabled robotic creatures. i can feel within each fibre of my being hoping, reaching and grasping at the dream of being free from these shackles, to play and dance and breathe a sigh of true relaxation and love.

i feel the future looming nigh, ever so close. i simply cannot do this anymore. to watch the love I give be trampled and torn apart by these shells of humans masquerading as loving beings without ever knowing what love is or how to express it.

i want to be held and I want to hold.

masquerading as those of what we once were, we used to be people.

we used to be lovers

[subtle-revolt]

diary post #2

Maybe when we were two, we were always so upset because we finally realised the horror of the world we were living in

It’s theorised that we understand our society and the emotions put forth by our parents from before we gained consciousness and maybe that’s why I am the way I am.

I cry so hard I struggle to breathe. I feel the deep gulps of air, my body fighting to swallow it down. I’m so tired. I wish I could cry hard enough that my body would give up. to stop forcing me to swallow down the air. to stop.

I think I’ve been suffering alone for so long that I don’t know how to let it go. How to let someone in.

After watching REDACTED and his family on his birthday, I’ve realised (partially) what I’ve been missing my whole life. A family that knows me, that cares enough to know the things I want and like and prioritising me on a singular day of the year. I think I’m sad, and it’s a conflicting feeling. I’m really happy that his family are so great to him and that they genuinely care, but it just highlights something I don’t have, but I am happy for him I am happy I am happy I am happy.

But I don’t want to make this day about me, it’s his birthday and he’s going to feel special today, unlike mine.

[subtle-revolt]

diary post #1

I am a product of my environment and my environment is fucked. all around the world, cities are burning and governments are collapsing.

who takes on the brunt? the poor, the sick, the young and the unable. if we burn, you burn with us. now is the time to wash away the old and bring in the ideal. you've made us believe that our society cannot be changed and all the pain in the world is unchanging and deserved. burn you capitalist scum. viva la revolution

our society and the workers who have laboured tirelessly to build this society must start afresh and burn the government to the ashes it was created from as they have forgotten who they serve. don't let them forget the power we hold. we are the governed and we will be governed no more by tyrants and the weak-minded who prioritise their wallets and short-lived political terms.

for years, decades, as it is ordered, it is taken. what do we get in return? They've made us feel as if our lives and the turmoil we face day in and day out as a result of their policies is something we cannot control. the division between our people is tactical and ruthless. we forget who the real enemy is.

notes: okay it doooesss seem super aggressive but look, im struggling with rent, groceries etc. i don't know what to do anymore. sometimes I just feel so numb, living my life as if I'm some robot. no matter how much I work it never seems to be enough. what do I have to do to feel human again? what do I have to do to be alive? the quote I get reminded of daily is "youre meant to feel tired, then you don't see the shackles" I think it goes like that. i cant find the direct quote but everytime I come home from work I think about that. if I'm tired and if youre tired, we cant fight back.

anyways!! hope you guys are fending better than I am. good luck out there.

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went for a little walk at christmas. kinda had to lol, it was a bit overwhelming being around so many family members for so long. anyways keen to make it to the next holidays :p

anyways I promise I’ll start posting more helpful content I just wanted to get some stuff out of the way hehe (*≧∀≦*)

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222 🗣 運がいい

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baking some garlic-herb bread

so yesterday i finally had the energy and motivation to bake me some bread.

one of my many adhd impulse hobby-buys during the Christmas time. don't worry I didn't pay full price, a lady on facebook marketplace hooked me up for $30!

as i started pouring the home-brand ingredients in, i noticed this feeling of inadequacy creep in. why cant i afford the better quality ingredients? i wish i had the better bread machine etc.. yada yada. I'm sure you guys are familiar with the internal wealth disparity rage.

to help with those feelings i reminded myself that look, I'm doing the best I can and I'm going to feed myself with bread that I've made in this bread machine for about $40 (machine and ingredients) and about ~$1-2 each time after that while some rich schmuck probably spent double that or more just because they can. well, I'm here to teach someone, anyone that living and doing wholesome and cute shit doesn't have to be expensive and luxurious. it shouldn't be reserved for the rich and privileged.

learn to make peace and find joy in the mundane, the overlooked and the cheap that people that don't come from money have for generations. until ultimately even that becomes gentrified... but they'll never have our experiences and the rage we share as one, for a cause we don't know when will end.

so follow me for some future tips and tricks hehe.

~ the above song helped me stay motivated through my dbt course ~

love s.

[subtle-revolt]

introductions are in order:

a little about me :3

i enjoy reading, baking, my lovely fur babies and movie analyses.

i started this account with the goal to help my fellow young adults share their lived experiences so far to give each other tips and tricks on how to get by without wanting to push the (end life) button ;-;

so ill update everytime i feel something important needs to be shared and i hope someone or something at some time will find the things I say useful

and yes this had to be a fresh account because unfortunately, my old account used to be a porn account. blame unrestricted internet access 13 year-old me hehe