systemiconfusion

[systemiconfusion]

Hi. Uh. We probably have a persecutor. Or a malicitor. Whatever he is, I don't know.

I've been convincing myself it's not bad enough because he's really good at making me feel like it's my fault and I deserve it. So I think I really need some outside opinions. I know it's mainly a self-ascribed label but I need legit help. I feel like I'm going insane.

I'm just gonna list out some of the things that he does because I don't know how else to get it out.

Berates and mocks me for everything I do and everything I think.

Derides the people I care about to me.

Tells me over and over that I should ruin my relationships or that I'm already ruining them.

Threatens to hurt the people I care about or humiliate me in front of them.

Won't let me seek help from the people I care about, especially if it's in reference to all of this. The reason I'm even coming here is because this is the only place he'll let me air my concerns.

I've tried so hard to get him to stop, but he won't stop for anything. And I know he's trying to protect me in some cases but I also know he finds everything he's doing to me really funny and entertaining and whatever. He's sadistic. He enjoys putting me down. Knowing he makes me feel like shit.

I'm just lost. I don't feel like it's bad enough to be bad. I feel like it's my fault. Like I deserve it. And I know he's not as hurtful as others I see, so it's hard to grasp that he could be hurtful at all.

I'm really sorry if this is jumbled. I'm half present right now and trying so hard to get this out before he stops me.

[systemiconfusion]

Has anyone ever had a headmate that's like... kind of a projection of the way they view the religion that traumatized them?

We have a god headmate that presents very, very much akin to how we've grown to view the evangelical God. He doesn't seem to really fit the role of religious persecutor, though, because his godliness doesn't at all harm us and he doesn't force us to participate in our old religion. But he's also not an introject of the evangelical God (I guess he could partly be?). It really does feel like we just projected our religiously traumatized view of the evangelical God onto him.

Anyway. We were just wondering if anyone else has ever experienced this. We've also been questioning if this headmate might be a... "mild" persecutor of sorts? We don't think this has anything to do with that, but if anyone does think it could be related we're happy to listen

[systemiconfusion]

Finally let F and S communicate directly yesterday. Accepted things fully. And it feels so much more real now. I feel like I can actually feel them.

[systemiconfusion]

Trying to set up a Simply Plural description for these bitches and I don't know what to put. Looked up some templates on Tumblr. Holy fuck I can't even read these templates legibly enough to understand what they want from me. I've got ADHD, I can't do all the pretty symbols and shit.

Uh. What do y'all put in your Simply Plural descriptions? Without any templates. Dear god don't send me a template. Appreciate the help from whoever offers it lol.

[systemiconfusion]

Trying to set up a Simply Plural description for these bitches and I don't know what to put. Looked up some templates on Tumblr. Holy fuck I can't even read these templates legibly enough to understand what they want from me. I've got ADHD, I can't do all the pretty symbols and shit.

Uh. What do y'all put in your Simply Plural descriptions? Without any templates. Dear god don't send me a template. Appreciate the help from whoever offers it lol.

[systemiconfusion]

It's so fucking hard to differentiate these bitches. I feel like I'm the combination of them so it's like. I am everything they are but they are not everything I am.

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Tfw the only two facets I know about so far are fableings of characters that are literally as problematic as you can get and are debatably WORSE than their source counterparts.

[systemiconfusion]

monoconscious culture is not being able to tell if you're just fixating on a certain character or if you actually are said character

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MAJOR UPDATE: Questioning systems or systems in a doubt spiral pls read.

I recently told my therapist about potentially being a system. This was a scary move because she has previously had some iffy takes about systemhood. But I told her because I trusted that she would meet me where I was at and help me navigate , at the least, the general idea of not understanding my own brain if nothing else which I was ok with. I told her and it went as expected. I explained why I thought I might be a system but also the doubts I had about it and how it was distressing me to not understand myself. She agreed to use the language I was using for it and was happy to help me through (as is her job) and also because whether it was systemhood or not it was something in me that was trying to be seen and we would work on figuring out what it was.

Fast forward a few session, and I was going through another bout of "what the fuck even is my brain". I was starting to realize that my "systemhood" is very different from the things I've been seeing online. In the ways that it's different to other systems is: - I'm always in the front, always in the captains chair - I have no amnesia because I never switch out - My hyper-vigilance never lets me dissociate fully though i definitely "check out" in my own way - Head mates just feel like vague ideas or emotions

But the ways that are similar are: - These vague ideas or emotions have opinions and feelings that are different from my own. - Though they are vague, I can definitely tell they are separate from what I have come to understand as "me" - I become "a different person" in the sense of my attitude, vibe, behavior, and opinions change from where they were 5 mins ago, but I am still me, just a different me.

Anyway, I was already trying to make sense of all of this and was not planning on talking about it with my therapist because nervous... However, my therapist ask me about it first. She asked some clarifying questions about my partners system vs my own and how they are different. When I explained what I just wrote above to my therapist she said "Thats what I thought and I owe you an apology."

Basically, my therapist, like any good therapist should when confronted by something they don't know a lot about, had been doing research on complex forms of trauma and coping. Things in the same vain as CPTSD and Plurality including those two topics. She had specifically been reading a book called "The Body Keeps The Score" (TW it is a book about trauma and studies of trauma so it has details of case studies that some people may find incredibly triggering). I did some research on what exactly the book was talking about in regards to "systemhood" and from what I've found, chapter 14 at the end of a section called "Writing to yourself" and the first parts of chapter 17 have interesting information regarding systemhood and how its not entirely limited to things that are diagnosable like DID or OSDD. It seems to talk about how we all have several selves and trauma can get in the way of those selves communicating effectively. My therapist told me about this book and what she learned from it and apologized to me because the book made her realize that she was wrong and that I was in fact a system....

The session ended and I just kind of sat there... not sure how to feel but definitely feeling relief and validation.

After doing research on the book to write this I have some words of wisdom. If you are a questioning system or are doubting your validity remember this: The human brain is so incredibly complex and no one actually understands how it does anything beyond its basic physical functionality... the conceptual abilities of our mind are a mystery. How we define self is just theory. If you don't fit into boxes, labels, identities, or diagnoses that does not mean your experiences aren't real. You are going to be ok. Understand YOUR mind and how it works for YOU, not through a label or diagnosis. If those things come later, great! Do not let them destroy you just because you don’t fit perfectly. I am a system. Simply. No types, labels, or diagnosis. I am a system. I have a unique experience because my brain is no one elses. I am a system. I may not have people in my head in the traditional sense but I'm also not alone up here either. I am a system. I am a system. I am a system. Nobody has the right to deny me this for they do not live behind my eyes.

As I understand myself: I am a system.

[systemiconfusion]

System tips! (Anti-Endos DNI)

How do I tell if I’m a system?

Okay, so! It can help to find out more about how different systems work, Pluralpedia on fandom wiki (I know, I know…) is a really great resource and it can really help to look at different system consciousness types, different levels of blurriness, etc. There are also absolutely some system symptoms, here are just a few I don’t really see many people mentioning:

- Making different accounts on social medias, chat apps, etc which interact with your friends and one another, especially if they have distinct mannerisms

- Being able to get into conversations with yourself

- Having conflicting ideas, pet peeves, etc

One really great tip is to just… try out the label and treat yourself like a system for a bit. This is what helped us figure it out! Another tip is to sort of talk to yourself internally for a bit. No, seriously! Like, ask a question in your head, for example; “What’s your name?” “What pronouns do you use?” et cetera! You hear a response, you’re probably a system! There’s more tips about this online that you can find, I’m not too experienced with this. Lol

I think I’m a system, now what?

The first thing you’ll probably want to do is to get the basics down. Get a count of how many headmates/alters you have. Have everyone write down basic info about themselves, name, pronouns, etc. You can do this on paper, but there’s also a really helpful mobile app called Simply Plural, it’s an organization tool.

Stay away from anti endo spaces, very important! It’s best to keep to the spaces that are explicitly pro endo and to stay away from the spaces that don’t give any disclosure as to where they stand.

Whatever you want to do! If you’d like, you could just relax for a bit with your new(ish) internal friends.

How do I communicate with nonverbal alters/headmates?

I’m adding this here because this was a question we had back in the day that we couldn’t find an answer to. Nonverbal peeps have all sorts of different ways of communicating, just like nonverbal singlets! Sometimes they can beam emotions at others, sometimes it’s physical sensations. They can probably write if you can bring them into front, so that’s also an option!

[systemiconfusion]

Questioning median culture is wishing your parts were more distinct so you'd be able to tell they're there, because we share memory and consciousness so that makes it hard to tell if we're a system or not, but like there's still many me

.

[systemiconfusion]

Being a system on the monoconscious spectrum means we can never quite fully verify the existence of our headmates 🫠 It’s so hard to tell if certain headmates are real or if we’re just imagining them… However tulpamancy communities have helped us a lot by affirming “it’s better to accept the existence of a headmate that may not actually be real, rather than reject the existence of a headmate who is real and wants to reach out”

[systemiconfusion]

Heads Up: I Don't Care For Syscourse

Well this will be a weird little introduction because we're a weird little bunch.

We don't have a system name or headcount or anything. We only know of three of us so far, but heavily suspect there could be others.

I use we/I pretty interchangeably, but collectively we'll use M and he/him.

As for headmates, so far we've got...

M - He/they/it - host

F - He/him - co-host

S - He/they/it

We probably won't sign anything off because it's really hard to tell who I even am at any given time.

I'll track the labels/experiences we feel fit us down here because, again, terrible memory.

We are...

Median

Monoconscious

Very likely a P-DID system