#& im just !!!!!!! falling in love w the characters all over again theyre all such little shits

[tidalst]

💥Oh its him again💥

[angel---eater]

thinking about how my usual go-to intersex dirk is affected by cooercive gendering in both the beta and alpha timelines.... and just gender stuff in homestuck in general.... cause the timeframe really counts. where babydirk lands temporally really makes or breaks this guy and his rship with his body. dirk as a character is so concerned abt how others percieve him that he wears his interests and hobbies like leather armour. he wears the projected images other ppl have of him more than he just, yknow, is

dirk in the beta timeline wouldve been fostered and was CAMAB, but his puberty started doing Unexpected Things, so they took little bro to the doctor so he can have his manly male puberty 'fixed'. bro would spend his whole life directly under the thumb of hegemonic cismasculinity, and he would know that if he adjusted even an inch, just to shift his weight even a little, then he suddenly wouldnt be Man Enough. and the blowback for that would be terrifying for him. hed be being slowly suffocated by the adults in his life and lil cal constantly whispering into his ear. this would be part of bro's experience with being groomed for sure

dirk in the alpha timeline however would be a free range kid. he wouldve grown up basically genderless until he figured out how to peruse the dead internet and discovered what boys and girls as cisgender concepts were. alpha dirks problem wouldnt so much be that hes directly under the thumb of Cis Manhood, but bc hed be desperately chasing after the ghosts of communities long dead. hed be directionless. he assumes hes a boy, he feels like one a lot of the time, but is he really? he keeps finding conflicting information on what Being A Man is, what Being A Woman is, what being Anyone At All is. hed chase after cismasculinity bc itd just feel the most familiar to him. he'd fall into the traps chrisofacist gender rolls laid out for masculinity bc thered be no one around but himself and his own very fallable perspecetive on this stuff to help get him out of it. and roxy is in the exact same boat. theyd have no idea how to even START talking about this except through the pidgeonhole of compcis

and its interesting too cause there IS talk of gender in the alpha session, but its from calliope whos also very very very removed from human (and troll, bc theyre analogous in canon) gender in the first place, eerily similar to dirk and roxy and their particular brand of isolation from humanity**. callie very explicitly represents the side of fandom that is good-faith exploration of canon, but whos too married to their own fanon and always more biased towards it over canon. i love callie so much but shes my biased and unreliable queen haha. what she says about gender, esp supposed gender-locked classpect stuff, isnt nessicarily, actually true. and thats REALLY cool bc of course everyone is a little biased about gender stuff and trans theories. its so personal how can we not be yknow?? and we experience other ppl through our own lens, having even residual biases (just favouring pink moreso than blue for example, im not talking abt bigotry) is just really normal imo. callie's a really good example of this. she knows shes a girl and loves being a girl, as she fuckin should, so she holds a grain of bias towards femininity and womanhood

**normally i would include jake in The Social Isolation, but again, where the alpha kids landed temporally REALLY makes a difference. jake is also completely isolated but he has an active and current internet to dig through. i wanna explore jakes relationship w/ himself more often but my brain is so full of dirk and roxy and callie its, well, its bias LMAO

[colloquialcolors]

okay, having finished horizon forbidden west today (yayyy), a word vomit of post-completion i itial response/thoughts written in a tinely manner bc i Do need to commute to work in about. uh. 6 and a half hours.

- what do you MEAN. The zeniths brought a DIFFERENT EXISTENTIAL THREAT EVIL AI BACK WITH THE. WHAT DO YOU MEAN THESE MOTHERFUCKERS BROUGHT BACK A MANIFESTATION OF THEIR OWN HUBRIS AND FLAWS AND ITS GOING TO. FUCKING. KILL THE EARTH. AND NOW THEYRE DEAD AND I HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT.

- FOR FUCKS SAKE.

- I JUST. SAVED THE WORLD. CAN YOU ASSHOLES STOP DOOMING IT FOR LIKE. FIFTEEN MINUTES.

- I am very pleased that this time they reset to AFTER the final mission so I can actually feel like Aloy gets some kind of a break after saving the world. again. Like the world is still ending but i can let her take a lap on a sunwing or have her eat some food or something without IMMEDIATE WORLD EXTINCTION hanging over her head.

- It was a little sad to have the base be so emoty tho :( void of everyone except Beta (yay) and Sylens (auUuuughhhhHHHHH)

- OKAY. backtracking.

- Really, genuinely, truly, LOVE how they did Aloy's character arc and development for this game. It was a very intentional choice and I think they pulled it off REALLY admirably.

- It is a very specific, extremely well supported, completely reasonable character trait to have Aloy not know how to ask for help or operate with help, and be independent to a fault. It was very intentional to have her unlearning that as the core emotional arc for the game and it did it. So well.

- Starting the game with Aloy lying to her friends, leaving a celebration early, and going off to start saving the world again, solo, was SUCH beautiful and crisp characterization and sets the bar so wonderfully. Erend and Varl pissed at her for it but still helping, resigned to the behaviour and still steadily working at it. Augahguagahh. friendship. my bread and butter.

- And Aloy growing out of it was NOT a one and done over. It was a growth, over the course of the game- it was a matter of repeated lessons, of various scenarios and people proving themselves, and intentional efforts and missteps. And it means in the last mission, when Aloy is delegating tasks and checking in with people and thanking them for coming- but not trying to turn them away- the difference is so fucking felt. Its core deep, and about someone who understands, fundamentally, how important relying on others and having others is.

- And its just- im not super pleased about all the details of HOW they did it. But I underatand why they killed Varl, from a storytelling standpoint, and I just. The person who was so dogged about getting her to accept help, who Aloy was so clearly pushing away in part because she was worried about getting him hurt or killed. His connections to Zo and everyone else are what starts the base. He is why Aloy can grow that way. And he dies before he sees the full fruition of it. He falls to exactly what Aloy was so scared of- dead as a casualty of a mission she felt was hers.

- But it is because of what he'd done up until that point, that Aloy does not shatter from the loss. Its BECAUSE of what he'd done that his loss does not set her back in connecting and caring about people and accepting help. Letting them risk themselves!!! His work is what secures her ability to survive when he is lost to exactly what she was scared of!! fuck!!!!!

- Shes going around after his death and- shes asking other people how other people are doing, which is so funny to me. queen of emotions. but shes doing it! His absence is his presence and his presence defines the nature of his absence and. the outline love leaves when it goes or w/e. im . auaghgha. varl ilu.

- This isnt even getting into the Beta scenario which like- god. god. Aloy you're kind of awful and I love you. you are ill adjusted and well intentioned and deeply hard on yourself and then you meet. yourself. except not and THATS how you learn to be kinder to yourself. and others. delicious! fucked up! beautiful. Aloy is yelling at Beta about why arent you better and wow the layers. again. wonderfully done.

- So. given all that. you'd think they would have been able to write Zo's reaction to Varl better than that, huh.

- Like damn how did you guys fuck that up right next to the great main plot.

- ugahjhh.

- I really. loved. the way the base grew and changed over the course of the game. The steady creeping of the plants. Items moving in. The way things were added to Aloy's room even though she was never sleeping in it. (The image of people creeping in and adding stuff so that the scant moments when Aloy is there she could enjoy things..... aaaa).

- Kotallo!! What a lovely character. He definitely grew on me. I appreciated the way he had the arm at the end but didnt really opt to keeo it on permanently. In general- idk. I liked the dynamic he and Aloy had at the end. 👌

- Alva. Sweetheart. mixed feelings as a character but I think I understand her archetype so she was. fine. In general the quen really just had me >:|

- fucking. techbro asses. fucking tech bro c e o fucking hero worship fucking dumbasses ugHHhhhhh.

- LOVED the designs of the clans otherwise though- Plainsong? Fucking stunning. The different Tenakth areas incorporating the local terrain!

- The museum in the Tenakth area, and how it fed into the specifics of their founding beliefs and culture? Fucking. Loved it. Bits piecemeal that get focused on and turned into a world and founding belief... dont have words for it rn but really good.

- Talanah spending her whole sidequest being like. Oh God. My Man :( was kind of. eh. but listen shes a girlboss who fixed the Hunters Lounge so she can do whatever she wants. including being really concerned over her manz for her whole plot. u get ur guy. i support you.

- Petra im glad youre doing well im SO sorry i couldnt flirt with you more actively.

- Erend is lovely once its clear he is no longer trying to hit on Aloy. the two of them mourning varl makes me. im fine. its fine or w/e. goddammit.

- Three cheers for various Quality Of Life changes. I am So Glad i never had to inventory manage in this game!!! incredible!!!! pulse your focus!!! wow!!!!!

- LAS VEGAS AREA MY BELOVED. BRIGHT LIGHTS AND SPECTACLE THAT ARE ZERO SUBSTANCE. MONUMENT TO BOTH FLASHY SPECTACLE WITH NO VALUE AS WELL AS INHERENT HUMAN LOVE FOR SHOWMANSHIP AND ADVENTURE AND SHARING EXPERIENCES.

- God I just . Underwater las vegas area. The moment when the water drains and all the lights are on around you and its so meaningless but also like- hey humans did all that! all these stupid advertisments and meaningless announcements about deals long gone and its doesnt mean anything anymore. But it matters that people made it. And its still. Beautiful.

- also tideripper :)

- aaauhh. also. Hodgins from Bones as the inventor guy. 👌

- New machine designs in this game? fucked severely. Slaughterspines? big bat? solar panel ptearodactly? LOCH NESS MONSTER?

- That said the AOE and rolling/stagger in this game is a BITCH.

- Rich People Be Fucking Shit Up as a theme is so funny. and devastating. they do be doing that. haha. :|

- Watching the last hour and Tilda was into Elisabet and Alva had a GF in the Quen and *gestures ay Aloy* and its just so funny like. damn aloy you got so many gays here in your base huh. good on you.

- the. the end. where the new risk is there. and she doesnt tell them. and you go. ah fuck. but then. in the cutscene, immediately after- its clear she does. and she talks about hope. and relying on others and its like. AughhHHhHHHH. growth. she does not tell them when they are celebrating. but she DOES tell them. she takes the moment to breathe. and she tells them. and she works with them. and shes going to work with them. Love It When A Character Develops.

👌

- ah fuck i need to sleep.

- Fun mechanics. Beautiful extension of the game. High highs for writing as well as low lows.

- Someone let Aloy take a fucking NAP, jesus christ.

[fecto-forgo]

top 5 robot characters

ok brain do noooot fail me now lets recall some cool robots.also ive decided to rate them on both how much i like them n how interesting i find the usage of them being robots.tho apology before hand it seems two robots who r only those in quotes due to technicalities made their way in

5.five pebbles (rain world)

ok so i love pebbles V dearly.character i heavily sympathize w, frankly one of my only favorites who actually expresses regret over doing bad things.that being said.hes.hes a giant computer im only letting him in here bc the iterator puppets border on being robots, n i think the way theyre used is cool! its a rly neat way of making iterators able to communicate w the player n the way theyre kinda puppeteered around by that giant arm is rly cool.but again barely counts.thin ice buddy.if anything moons a bit cooler bc she lost most of the computer part yeah actually pretend shes in the title of the entry too my girl deserves it.she put up w sm.

4.susie (kirby)

susie.is a weird case where.idk man we just dont know! shes a robot *to me* but ive seen ppl treat her like a cyborg some other mechanical being or straight up just some fucked up looking alien.n theres not a lot of robot thingies going on w her either.this always disappointed me a bit so its my lifes work to make my susie gijinka as explicitly a robot as possible.that being said still got no explanation for how she eats.shes just superior ig

3.metatton (undertale)

the trans allegory w how his body was made perfect for him n he loves it is rly cool but its been literally nearly a decade since my undertale phase so i sadly have lost a lot of my attachment, hes a rly entertaining character n all of his designs r rly good (someone saying they were struggling w beating his boss bc they were scared of their mom walking in on them fighting him n having to explain why the robot has such sexy legs lives in my head rent free) (also neo deserved better?? im still mad toby made it a fake out comedic fight </3)

2.gir (invader zim)

i have to obligatorily bring up gir bc.cmon this is a 2000s scene girl blog.he just has such a cute little design n bc its a cartoon its all squishy n stretchy n its so fun.that being said.idk i just dont have a lot of robot centered points to give him hes just a nifty little man made out of rubber metal

honorable mention:metal sonic (sonic)

i cant go without reminding everyone my boy exists.cmon its metal sonic.tragic guy ever.trapped in a narrative in a cell of capitalism bc any development to him would change too much from the status quo.i love him.his design is so fun its such a neat way to make a robotic sonic.his counterparts like chaos n shard n all the other robot sonic models all got cool points too ! great guy

1.cyn (murder drones)

ik ik i just bought her up i have her in my icon i kin her this is a safe blog for painfully biased ppl.but the reason cyn of all the drones wins number one spot for me is bc of how she moves n talks ! being a zombie drone she doesnt seem to function properly, shes constantly fixing her head from falling over n walking around a bit cowered n generally seems her movements dont flow naturally, she announces her actions while doing them (likely bc of some error from the zombie thing just making her naturally do that) n fully borrows her voice from the absolute solver (likely bc of some issue w her own) n generally the fact shes a robot that accidentally rebooted after being discarded n is clearly not running as intended is rly visible n i love it !!! i love robot characters whose roboticism is extremely relevant to their whole character instead of just being a quirky design thing.n ofc this all also resembles how puppets move which is such a fun double meaning thing to how shes the absolute solvers first host

[jakowskis]

Day 15 - Are there any ships you dislike?

alrighty so. there are only rlly four i ‘dislike’, and the first three… it’s more complicated than anything, it’s not entirely utter pure-n-simple disdain. it’s less about the ships themselves (in two of the cases, anyway) and more about how they seem to be perceived by the fandom + how much they dominate everything. other ships exist, guys! the other characters exist! anyway ill try not to be mean but i am gonna be petty, lol

so for starters, yeah, jack x ianto. i have a very specific view of it, that i do enjoy, but the fandom seems to be doing something else entirely and i've developed some resentment despite myself. especially bc it’s overrated as fuck. don’t get me wrong, it’s iconic, as far as being culturally significant gay rep, but if im honest idk how well they hold up in 2024? i thought their relationship in s1 and s2 of the show was lackluster at best. poorly written bread crumbs. and yeah i know it was big for 2006 but im just personally kind of offended that they could show them sucking face but not show the intricacies of why the hell ianto would fall for a guy who shot his girlfriend down?? like, their relationship is inherently dark and angsty to me and im interested in exploring that, bc the show certainly doesn’t (initially) bother to, and a lot of the fan content i see is either fluffy (??????????), or angsty in a Tragique way, or is just kind of… fetishy and whumpy? people slot them into a Specific Kind of Dynamic and it grosses me tf out. so the fandom culture rubs me wrong, and then it’s just… such a bummer to like owen and tosh and gwen in a fandom that only seems to prioritize this one ship. there are 22k fics in the torchwood ao3 tag, and 13k of them are janto. now, all that being said… they do intrigue me and endear me, just a bit. but it took the audios to make me give a fuck about them, which is sad. 

on that same note - i have the same relationship with tosh x owen, but i'm significantly less fond of it, cuz it just plain rubs me wrong. i like them in theory, so i spent months trying to figure out how to make them work and what other people are seeing that they think is so endearing and cute - i just can't find it. owen's treatment of tosh is just about the only thing i can't stand about him. he treats everyone poorly, but most of the rest of the cast defends themself (or even hit back, like ianto and gwen, and thats why i ship them with him! it’s spicy! i love balanced unhealthy dynamics in fiction hfdsjkf i can’t lie) - but tosh just lets him, creating an unhealthy power imbalance where she’s just getting hurt over and over again, and it makes me wanna fucking punch him cuz she does Not deserve that. i want him far away from her lmao. except under certain circumstances, cuz i have written fic about them, and i’ve read like three rlly good ones (and the main link between them is tosh stands up for herself and puts him in his place! i HATE how he walks all over her in canon ughhhhhhhhh). additionally, i do admittedly enjoy the angst of their canon arc. i just think fandom throwing them together and making it cutesy is lazy, uncreative, and an injustice to both characters. i think the SHOW throwing them together was an injustice to both characters, especially tosh’s. they're tragic and compelling, ill give them that, but theyre not sweet, and i don't think they'd be good for each other. 

(also worth noting on a show where everyone has tension w each other, imo barrowman & gareth and naoko & burn pull it off the least convincingly and have little to no chemistry. like every other duo just kind of sparks in some way or another, and neither of those duos do. which SUCKS bc they’re the canon ones. but it’s also heavily poor writing like they were doing the best w what they had. grr. like i still dont know what the fuck ianto likes about jack or what tosh likes about owen 😭 that’s ridiculous!)

the other ship i’m petty about is jack x john hart. i just think it’s far too popular for what it is. idek why that is, do we have a substantial amount of buffy fans in the fandom? don’t get me wrong, i liked john in the show + i liked their relationship as well, but i'll always be annoyed when a minor character gets more attention than the fascinating main ones. 

and lastly i hate john x ianto, because i respect ianto, lmao. i can’t lie, if he was my fav i’d probs ship it HJFKDSHFK i love putting my favs in awful situations. but as is it just grosses me out. get him outta there!! 

tldr: i don’t interact w the john hart side of the fandom, and if a fic is tagged 'jack/ianto tosh/owen gwen/rhys' i probably won’t read it 😷

[stevie-petey]

im SO excited for season 2!! your set up was perfect and if you'll allow me can i just. talk about. how good you made the entirety of season 1???????? your framing of each event was SOO good and the way you left y/n in the dark for things we alr knew about, the relationships between each of the characters???? dustin being sweet and literally EXACTLY like a younger sibling (i have 3 little boy cousins who ive practically raised and they act EXACTLY like how Dustin did when they see me unexplainably sad), her WANT to like nancy with the jealousy and hurt bubbling under the surface and even though she doesnt blame nancy you see that little resentment that occurs when someone you love likes someone better its so HUMAN?????, the relationship bw her and the little boys and how even though everyone keeps reinforcing they listen to her better she KNOWS that at the end of the day they're silly little preteens so they'll listen to her but just barely, her relationship w jonathan anf how she doesnt immediatly gloss over their arguments and his actions and she actually holds him accountable??? LOVE. i also love how steve is just a kicked puppy constantly trying to get validation and approval from both her and nancy and the buildup of security only to a crushing realization in the bonus chapter was brilliant AND real!!!! bc ofc you'll be nervous about letting in someone who you could potentially fall in love w in your life while you're currently suffering w the feelings of hopelessness and resignation at the feeling of believing that someone you love doesn't love u back. ugh. brilliant. all in all. i LOVE this series and im absolutely foaming at the mouth for season 2 bc i KNOW its gonna be so good. i binged this series like before ch8 came out and it helped me stay sane amidst my finals so thank you thank you thank you!!!!!!

ok im done ❤️ again thank u mwah

i ADORE THIS AND YOU WTF :(((

this is the sweetest thing ever and the way u broke down everything made me so <333 im so so so incredibly happy you loved season 1 so much i truly cant explain how elated that makes me 🫶

writing the relationships was my absolute favorite part. getting to incorporate my favorite characters and interact with them through my writing as such a fun and amazing experience and im absolutely hooked on writing them (especially dudtin n reader. theyre my babies).

and im SO relieved you understand steve n reader rn !! U GET IT !!!! all in all this was such a lovely ask and im giving u the biggest forehead kiss as we speak MWAH !!!!!

(and i hope finals went well !!! theyre a pain and i understand immensely)

[kagender]

putata or mekeke for the ask meme

YESSSS i think ill be nice and do both.

putata:

Sexuality Headcanon: gonna act like i did with tamama CUZ HES GAYYYYY DUHHHH. like everyone in the world knows this and i knew it the first time i saw him. gonna go a bit off the rails here but hes the guy that got me watching the shurara corps arc, cuz i saw him in that big ending image w every keronian in it and i was like HOOOOLY SHIT.

Gender Headcanon: he is VERY MUCH A TRANSMAN n also i think he would loooove neopronouns n xenogenders. like hes just that kind of guy

A ship I have with said character: just like every person in the world i just luuuuv putameke..... theyre little freaks made for eachother, crafty guys who work in different mediums but still appreciate eachothers mediums, an excellent combo for frogs for when you want to steal the keron star etc etc. very compatible. they should not be seperated

A BROTP I have with said character: putata n kagege bestieism is sooooo faunny to me sorry. awkward guy devoid of any color and the most colorful energetic guy in the show(PROBABLY)

A NOTP I have with said character: ummm i cant think of anything that isnt like. straight up problematic cause i cannot be a hater really. i guess ill feel a bit iffy if someone pairs him with a girl but ive never actually seen it so like.like.

A random headcanon: im having a bit of trouble pinpointing just one honestly. cuz i think of the corps a lot in general....

well i think hes very caring over his nyororo, in my au it doesnt actually die (listen. i get a bit upset whenever a nyororo gets killed off in the anime thats just a funny beast.) but it does get really sick and it makes him flip his shit a bit ALRIGHT! like i def think its a pet hes had since childhood, his familys like dirty rich so they got him a nice one. saying that i def dont think hes getting much money from them anymore, like he has seperated himself from them pretty hard. also he knew mekeke since they were like, early teens? wow this is all over the place

General Opinion over said character: did you know that putata is also a species of bug(jodis putata) anyways hes GREAT. got me into this whole shurara corps thing. i had such strong brainrot over him when i was like 13-14 and im not exactly proud of it, still love him tho

mekeke:

Sexuality Headcanon: hes BIIIII. bisexual. hell ya baby!

Gender Headcanon: i think mekekes another character that falls under "not cis, not trans but some secret third thing" for me, i think i labelled him a demiboy a while ago though. well he is a boything for sure

A ship I have with said character: i will just repeat putameke..... literally 2 guys made for eachother wowwww its so wild I CANT BELIEVE IT. but also kagemeke is funny. cuz they both use puppetry haha fun but i dont think abt them too much

A BROTP I have with said character: ill just parrot the kagege thing again, though i also think him and dokuku would click together a bit :3

A NOTP I have with said character: I COULD NEVER BE A HATER!!!! never ever

A random headcanon: like w putata my minds a bit over the place.... imma be honest every time i get asked for a random headcanon my mind just goes blank like i forgot everything ive ever thought of in my life

one of my oldest headcanons ever is def gecko-handed mekeke, cause he has to stick to ceilings somehow if he wants to control his puppet from above. sorry i dont like making guys float for no reason.... i think hes def a bit quirky design wise in my au, has some brown markings that he just got as he grew up (thing that happens with keronians sometimes in general tee bee eh) and i call him oxidized because of that. also he has four arms for some reason. i dont really know what his deal is. its not even just his design he wasnt raised by keronians and might act a bit silly cause of it.

General Opinion over said character: bit of an autism beast

[single-malt-scotch]

me and my controversial topics will stay under the cut lol.

i know i blabbed lightly of this probably but obviously one of the things that put me off from mcyt for a few years was when the "rpf is bad" opinion started circling the internet more frequently, in tumblr's 2014-2016 toxic callout culture era. i think that era shifted YT fandoms as a whole and turned loads of ppl to presenting creators with their "characters" specifically (like i recall this early on w markiplier and jacksepticeye) and clarifying it often. but i find this all very amusing when 80% of the ppl dont actually play characters at all, and ppl are either just writing "rpf" or theyre just turned a creator into their own OCs. i think its sometimes just a way to not associate with the idea of rpf even if its like, right there.

like, the problem i think is that the majority of fans, namely the young teens that are the main audience, are very consumed by purity culture and being free of problematic interests in such a black and white way. i get it, i understand why you dont want to be associated with rpf. when i think of weird and uncomfortable rpf i think of.... fan fiction of the Beatles, or something. a band or a movie actor is someone we can easily define as "not a character" but... when it comes to mcyt, its a little more grey, because i know some of them goof around in games and do bits and exaggerate themselves.

and yet i still think its counter productive to get caught up in these woes, and to deny what exactly it means for something to be rpf, or have rpf elements. ironically i think the indulgence people have with making them characters worsens the parasocial/obsessive/skewed lens people have on creators these days. how? well its bc of how ppl get super attached to characters... comfort characters, kinning, etc. i love characters just an intensely, but when you apply this to a youtuber who like, doesnt actually play a character? even tho you wanna act like they do? .....there can definitely be issues in that and its def what makes me not get into the fandom as it is. you elevate them with your view of them as a character by being able to indulge in them way further bc they are kind of "yours" now. but also theyre not really.

but specifically back to the rpf vs not rpf topic- basically what i really intend to say is that like. there is harm in becoming too concerned over what youre writing bc you can fall into that mindset of being far too aware in a way thats just gonna make you feel terrible all the time (i experienced this myself when i was like 15 on tumblr and wanted to avoid any potential of touching something "problematic"). this post isnt to declare you are writing rpf, or you arent, or whatever the"rules" are about when it is or isnt, but just that theres always time to just accept shit as it is when the blurry lines arent actually doing any harm in this case. and that even trying to force yourself into the seemingly right direction doesnt exactly solve all the other problems either.

cuz i did all the things ppl would wanna call me out for and i dont care at this point. i wrote fan fiction where the guys where more characters than themselves, in a fantasy world for the server. but i also wrote fan fiction that was irl and based during minecon! and it was smut. and all i can say to that now is...ok. im not even gonna sit around and vehemently condemn it either? even if i never plan to do it again. cuz i dont see the need to punish my past self, nor do i see the reason to continue questioning the nuances of where the line between hard rpf and hard fiction lies with this bc its a never ending conversation. its just not worth my time to worry anymore. i know how to not be weird about it, i know my boundaries between creator and fan, i dont even get near the extent that some people do... i feel like im aware enough to feel like im not causing harm/can make logical choices when issues arise. i was a niave teenager before, and wrote such things with little thought, and had a much less healthy mindset about it! but the way the internet laid on the pressure of these strict definitions was the moment i felt shame, and as if i couldnt ever redeem myself from actions i understand far better now. its really not worth the stress and heartache to get so caught up in it.

[biohazard2017]

top 5 persona games

obligatory take list w a grain of salt bc idk anyth abt p1 and 2, im playing 3 fes, and my only exposure to p4g and p5 vanilla has been through streams

1. p4g. it means so much to me. i love the feeling of inaba so much, im a sucker for small town stories. yu is my fav protag solely bc of the heavy lifting done by the anime. it has adachi in it. everything about it is so meticulously laid out from character backstories to personas to mythos. i even dont mind teddie

2. p3 fes. yeah yeah is good. ive only gotten to july when ken joins, but i rly do enjoy the dungeon crawling. i love when i havent saved in an hour and die 🙃 bur srsly i do genuinely enjoy tartarus grinding?? yeah idk. i love the overall msg of the game and it kinda runs parallel to that of p4's so ofc theyre honestly grouped together in my head

3. p5s. OK I KNOW it is kind of a hot take to put STRIKERS over royal but as i said before i havent seen any content about royal other than story spoilers so i can do this. strikers is like The spin-off. it takes the time to focus on charas who got shafted in the main story + develops 2 very good new charas. obv i like zenkichi ok but yeah i tgink the game is really solid and cute so i like it:) and im sorry but i adore the music of strikers SO much more than i do vanillas ost. COUNTERSTRIKE IS SO GOOD?

4. p4au. yeah idk idc abt fighting games but the lore is so :) i love that they actually decided to outline the lives of the p3 cast post-p3. and i desperately Desperately want them to commit with p4 as well. im SO mad p5a never became a thing. but yeah just seeing p3 cast + "woah a white guy!" + everything about adachi (again sorry) + the narukami cover art (sorry as well)

5. p5 vanilla. yeah p5 is still Good, but after p3 and p4 where everything about every character is so inherently connected to the themes of the game, p5 does fall short for me. there are just so many little discrepancies that are like :// this can be improved you know!! so yeah, while i do enjoy the phantom thieves and the overall story of p5, all my nitpicks add up.

honorable mention to p4d bc the dancing game did not have to go that hard! it did NOT have to have an actual story focused on rise (its really evident that the p4 team's fav member is rise huh) nor deliver so flawlessly on the ending. i genuinely GENUINELY watch the reach out to the truth music video every now and then for fun!! and when im stressed i literally watch narukami's dance! dance. also simply they didnt havebto go that hard for dance! its actually my fav persona song. other honorable mention is p3d i know it is a soulless cash grab like p5d but unlike p5d it actually takes the time to put as much storytelling into its broader range of songs. every makoto fever time ☹️

[sodrippy]

OP anon: hope you're enjoying it so far!! also there *is* a colored version of the manga if that would help you out? and your method isn't weird at all i'm mostly reading it but i do hop over to the anime from time to time haha i'm not caught up yet, i'm just a few arcs ahead of you, heard about the reading>watching tip from a friend who's up to date any favorite characters or scenes so far? :0

there IS right? ive seen variant covers and panels in colour and im like...girl where is the rest of you... i think thatd def help me visually! i do prefer watching just bc its easier for me (and aesthetically it looks better) but theres full swathes of arc where reading is faster so im really glad to have the option now!! like id gotten about 70% through WCI and it was SUCH a slog, it would have been eons faster if id skim-read it, but ill do that when i catch up to there again.

fave scenes is hard bc i have a bad memory but the some standouts so far are the ep where zoro gets recruited into that adoptive moms family and forcibly babysits ten kids, ace falling asleep while eating (???) and everyone thinking he died, any time sanji and a friendly rodent share a scene, OH when theyre stuck in the wax and zoros like "well if we're gonna die im gonna do a sick pose" and nami and vivi want to kill him so bad still makes me laugh to think about.

my favourite character i think is sanji! it helps a lot that the first thing i found out about was the vinsmoke backstory and all that but even from his intro scene he is just all heart...

also robin i love her! shes just disappeared w that mask guy in water 7 so im still a little ways away from getting her flashbacks and stuff but i adore her anyway esp since i have seen a few later eps and all

and of course zoro is forever my loser boybestie<3

im so easily swayed ill be obsessed w characters i havent even met yet honestly, like sabo. where is that dude we should hang out. ive read your wiki and i love you brother 🫡

[reveriecorridor]

for the character thing give me ypur orange boys daxter and luke.both of them. right now

fucking vibrating like a chihuahua. thnakyou for my boys.

luke

Sexuality Headcanon:

also gay gay homosexual gay

Gender Headcanon:

hes got so much tboy swag you dont even knI JUST NOTICED YOU COULD JUST COLOR PICK THE MAVERIQUE FLAG OFF OF HIM. I HAVE TWO ANSWERS NOW I GUESS!

A BROTP I have with said character:

i think the whole main party dynamic makes me feel mental but like. luke/ion and luke/guy are like the relationships ever to me. what shenanigans can they get up to... fuck around and find out.

A random headcanon:

*thinking rlly hard* i think he likes to fidget w stuff actually. i think he writes down a lot more in his diary for Not Forgetting Stuff Again that rlly doesnt matter but like. he just does it. adhd moment. like hell write down fucking Whatever.

General Opinion over said character:

daxter

Sexuality Headcanon:

women dont want him men dont want him either but unfortunately theyre all stuck with him. hes jsut a little bi creature

Gender Headcanon:

also tboy swag. hope this helps!

A ship I have with said character:

i have to go get the fucking image again. I HAVE TO UPDATE THE IMAGE HANG ON.

A BROTP I have with said character:

dax and tess are actually r eally funny. like i get shes the Love Interest but naughty dog has no idea what they did to people (see: me) by making someone actually care about daxter. she would kill someone for daxter and i actually think thats pretty fucking funny. girl hinder. girl KILL!

A NOTP I have with said character:

if its not one of the two examples i literally just talked abt or showed off the mental illness picture over, it sucks. thank u for asking!

A random headcanon:

oh my god. okay. theres this thing in daxter (The Game) before u do the funny little dream sequence minigames where he spins and curls up into a ball before falling asleep and i love that. Anyway. My point is. forbidden timeline where he daxter Does go back to being human and he just keeps that up. like he has no reason to do it but he still does it. I HAD TO GO GET A GIF OF IT BC I FEEL LIKE IM HORRIBLE AT EXPLAINING.

General Opinion over said character:

daxterhe makes me feel absolutely normal i promise. he may be the comedy relief but hes my absolute beloved. no one gets him like i and only a handful few do

[relaxxattack]

to be unfortunately fair zayne clingyduo fought and that just ended in both of them getting trauma and never talking about their problems even after both of them showed major suicidal tendencies and even with tommy consistently prompting tubbo to be honest w his feelings </3

i dont think beeduo falling out would even result in them talking i think if they had a big fight theyd both be so avoidant that they genuinely just. dont anymore. theyre back to awkward friends but now they have to work around having a son (and even then, not truly. they never moved in to the mansion, michael lives with tubbo and they cant move him in with ranboo, no point. ranboo can visit, obviously, but its hard knowing now hes just another person to protect michael from in tubbos eyes), the mansion stays unused, ranboo feels too awkward to help with the outpost anymore and tubbo just relies on the stacks of cookies until eventually hes starving and only makes enough to last until he goes back home (after all, he cant ask ranboo for food anymore and he doesnt know who else to ask because they all seem to be rather limited food wise, but hey, at least he can be legit about the cookie thing now. if anyone notices that tubbos voice is flat when he stops asking for money in exchange theyre too afraid to mention it, and if they do they only get false assurances in response)

tubbos so outwardly apathetic towards a lot of things and ranboos known for taking things in the worst way possible, and neither could quite get to a point of being petty, being spiteful, theyd just be. burnt out. ranboo would move on to the prison outbreak maybe, or if that already happened, just helping tommy (except wilbur hates him and so does quackity and he thinks fundys starting to too and hes already hurt over tubbo hating him [from his perspective] that he cant deal with any of it) and in the end just starts retreating on himself, back into the arctic, afraid to talk to anyone because his options are techno, phil, and niki and he loves them sure but theyre destructive and ranboos still scared of what they would do to tubbo if they now knew tubbo hurt him too

theyre dysfunctional together, certainly, but a fight wouldnt help mend anything between them, not a big fight anyways, and if a small fight was enough to make them stay apart temporarily itd be enough to just tear them apart for a long, long time. theyd fall apart and with everyone focused on their own thing, no one else would help them, especially not without tubbo or ranboo reaching out (and we all know they wouldnt, at most theyd make side comments just to wave it off and go "its fine, im fine, im just overreacting, he was right" to anyone that asked). tubbo wouldnt ask for them to talk unless it was to talk about ranboo, and ranboo would want to talk about both of them but tubbos not going to budge on expressing his emotions and ranboo wouldnt push it, and if he did either one or both would get frustrated and theyd be back at square one

i dont think a falling out would help them, theyd just fall apart and eventually it becomes another thing for ranboo to feel guilty about and for tubbo to wave off and go "in the past, im fine, michaels fine, and im sure hes fine as well, in his own little way". really i think itd take gradual growth for both sides. opening up in their own little ways, small questions from both sides that prod at the other until they open up further. and i think thatd work best for tubbo and ranboos rp style anyways, small steps towards growth and mutual confort rather than Big Events that tear them apart or bring them back together (thats more a clingyduo thing, and again, even they dont talk about their problems). quiet growths of mutual respect until eventually tubbos not using "you wont remember" as an excuse for covering up that he just trusts ranboo and feels comfortable enough to share and eventually ranboo shares his train of thought more openly and tubbo gently nudges him into believing in himself more (even if it comes with a few lighthearted jabs)

tubbo and ranboo arent big gestures kind of people, and i think thatd still be the case in terms of their relationship. after all, they just signed the papers, no ceremony or all. it seems like big steps to others maybe, but to them its the most natural thing of all. also i dont think mr and mr "im going to move in with my best friend for 4 months then we're going to stay over again for 3 more months just in a different country and from there honestly we dont know if wed be able to stay apart, it feels so natural that the other is more than just another person to me" would be able to handle their characters being on bad terms. i think if they had to rp a negative event between each other they just wouldnt. like even that experiment scene would be played nowadays like ranboo joking along w tubbo too and them just getting into shenanigans before eventually forgetting that the experiments were going to happen bc theyre having fun mining and making deez nuts jokes or some shit LMAO -🎭🎪

OKAY FINE. WHATEVER.

[limerancy-fics]

Anonymous asked: do you think xiao has sleep paralysis sometimes 😭 or just any sleeping hcs u have for xiaoven ! i know u said venti sleep wild and xiao has insomnia but if u have any more thoughts abt it pls share 🥺

— i think probs not! i think he's either so light in his sleep that he doesn't get to the point where sleep paralysis sets in, or he's w venti n too peaceful/falls asleep too quickly. however! i think xiao's insomnia is partially due to recurring nightmares and paranoia or hallucinations before sleep (my modern au xiaos usually have some form of schizotypal or obsessive/compulsive disorders) that make it difficult for him to wind down or feel safe enough to sleep.

venti's sleeping habits are like: takes very little time to fall asleep, sleeps an absurd amount of time, takes forever to wake up. v hard to wake up if he's not ready to wake up. v easy to get to fall asleep (he's sleeby! he's so sleeby n he doesn't even realize most of the time! its usually a p sudden crash)

Anonymous asked: venti is such a sleeby boy nooo so cute what happens when he doze off on xiao does xiao not move like when your cats sleep on you

YES THAT'S ABSOLUTELY WHAT HAPPENS. venti will always fall asleep on him on the couch n xiao is stuck there AND/OR he very tenderly takes him to bed n tucks him in all sweet w lots of kisses n venti surprisingly doesn't wake up (but does kiss back, and xiao thinks it's hilarious)

Anonymous asked: HE KISSES HIM BACK IN HIS SLEEP ???!???? THATS SO CUTE the muscle memory

YEAH VENTI. DOESNT EVER REMEMBER DOING IT BUT HE ALWAYS DOES (and if xiao does the 3 taps, venti does it back in his sleep too, or mumbles out an "i love you") it's so very cute and xiao is so in love with him n he falls in love w him all over again every time im sobbing, screaming etc

Anonymous asked: do you think its a possibility that he [xiao] could have c-pstd in some aus too?

oh definitely. that's definitely part of the recurring nightmares—i think theyre more like memories, whether xiao remembers them while he's awake or not. a lot of the aus i have for him, he does—just bc the trauma in his past is so integral to his canon character n it's interesting to see how it may translate to other aus

[heyitsyn]

Complicated

Shirabu x Reader

a/n: im not very familiar with shirabu on a spiritual level like i am w the other characters but ill try my best!! 

request:  okok haikyuu hcs: shirabu is reader’s childhood best friend and messed up their last game in middle school because he changed his setting style to accommodate ushijima,,, and reader, as the manager is very very pissed and they get into a huge fight,,, so once they get to stz they’re academic rivals, reader became the vbc manager just to spite him (oh yea they definitely still have crushes on each other but it’s hard with the current situation) only if it’s ok!! not a lot of ppl write for him :

this is kinda the best friends-to-rivals-to-friends again-to-lovers

requests open!!

lets get our inhalers bc this finna be a wild one luvs

so, basically,

you and him were actually childhood friends since he lived next door to you

lets say you met when you were 5 and you just stuck on to this slightly cold and dismissive boy who was the shy type

idk bout you but i actually like that type

ppl dont really understand how yall got along bc you were the extrovert and the laughing type of girl

he only stuck around bc you were actually a smart person who helped him occassionally w your organized notes

but he still appreciates your time and efforts to be his friend despite his personality

plus, you also liked volleyball and together you both would watch volleyball matches in his house where you would see him with a smile that he unconsciously wears

like when yall were 8, you gave him a volleyball for his birthday since he lost his old one when he was playing by the river

at first, he was like, ‘oh, thanks, i needed this’

but then as he started tossing it up and down, you could see that bashful smile starting to surface

you shrieked, 

bc you rarely see it and you think its super cute,

and just wrap him up in a hug and he turns all shy again but with a soft smile and a soft blush

‘thanks, n/n-chan’

uh oh, feelings

stinky

since he mainly focused on doing homework or studying, not a whole lot of kids really approached him to hang out since they thought he only lived to study and play volleyball

but you didnt care bc youve been friends w this bun for a long time and you know hes not really like that

he has fun moments too

since you were the manager of the volleyball team, you always try to showcase how fun he was by trying to take the team to bonding places 

the team does think that shirabu has fun but only if its w you

anyways

one afternoon, you naturally just go to his house w him since your mothers know youre practically best friends and so you basically live in each others houses

yall were about halfway through middle school so shirabu has been studying more to get scholarships for schools

he was studying on the little table while leaning against his bed while you were just lounging on his bed after studying

‘ken-channnnn’

oikawa 2.0

‘hm’

you pouted at the distracted reply before sitting up and wrapping your arms around his shoulder from behind him and placing your chin on his shoulder

‘lets do something fun!!!! im boredddd’

he wasnt really fazed by the skinship bc youve been like that to him since day 1

but thats going to change soon

‘i have a new sudoku book over there that you could do’

omg what

‘ken-chan!’

you shrieked in betrayal before leaping off the bed and grabbing his arm to stand him up

shirabu was actually annoyed that you were distracting his studying but seeing a wide grin on your face made him double stop

am i,,,, catching feelings?

nah, he just going through puberty

‘lets go to the fall market! yuki-chan told me theres a new food place that opened and theyre handing out free samples!’

you excitedly told him and continued shaking his arm to persuade him in going

‘n/n-chan, this is my only free day from volleyball to study. i need to pass the test on friday’

you rolled your eyes at that lame excuse

‘i know. i set up the schedule differently bc you have a big test on friday! but you would still have time to study!’

‘but im still unfamilair with the topic-’

‘cmon, ken-chan! youre so smart you could rival buddha!’

‘i dont think,,,,, thats a right comparison’

‘either way, we’re going to hang out and have fun!’

he honestly didnt know why he was at this crowded market w you

shirabu is a whole simp

‘omg ken-chan! look! takoyaki!’

you dragged him to the stall and the nice old lady smiled before taking your order

‘1 box please. ken-chan, you want?’

he shook his head no and started taking out his wallet to pay

but you stopped him

‘no, you dont have to pay since youre not eating’

‘but i want to’

‘ken-chan! you need to save up for college!’

‘no its fine im pay-’

‘here ya go, dear. free of charge’

you both stopped at the nice lady’s sentence

‘b-but’

‘no it’s okay. its cute to find a boy who’s willing to pay for his girl since that doesnt really happen nowadays. i hope you have a great rest of your date!’

‘it’s not a da-’

‘thank you, maam’

shirabu takes the box and leads you out of there

you smirk and poke his tummy

‘you want to go on a date with me, ken-chan~?’

he turns red and looks away

‘no. it wouldve taken longer to fully explain the situation so just go along with it to make it faster’

you giggled

‘hm sounds fake but okay’

you both continue to walk around the market and even buy a few things like a mini buddha statue or a pair of cat ears for both of you

with everything you bought, shirabu payed with it all

you were pouting as you walked and he noticed so he nudged you with his elbow

‘oi, what’s wrong?’

you crossed your arms

‘hm.. i dont like that ken-chan is buying and spending money for me on things that symbolize our fun. i want to give ken-chan something to remember this day too!’

shirabu grows flustered but hes really confused

youve always been a thoughtful person who tries to be independent but unconsciously ends up depending on others like him

but your thoughts of wanting to do something in return for him just sounds like heaven right now

lmao what a simp

he looks around for a place that could have something that sparked his interest but nothing caught his eye

until he caught a photo booth by the corner

‘oi, n/n-chan, let’s go there’

you followed his finger and you gasped

‘thats perfect, ken-chan! let’s go!’

you drag him to the booth and you giddily enter the coins for the machine to start

but he was starting to think this wasnt a good idea

he was in a cramp space with you pressed against him

but youve always been glomped to his side since yall were kids so what was the difference now?

bc you catching feelings, fool!

‘ken-chan! its starting!’

he finally snaps out of his flustered state and he raises a peace sign with a smile

with all the pictures, there were funny pictures of you and him,

well mainly you

but he was happy to have them w you

‘ken-chan, you know i love you, but when will you fix your hair?’

he glared at you

‘i like it so its staying that way’

you giggled at his attitude

‘okay, ken-chan. at least it would make you stand out in the crowd so i dont have to look for you!’

you hugged his waist and he froze up, suddenly feeling awkward with this familiar position

its okay, shes naturally like this so calm down

dontcrydontcrydontcrydontcry

after your hang out, he didnt even bother going back to studying

he just laid on his bed, looking at the strip of pictures with a fond smile

he was happy that you only showed that true, bright, happy grin to him

it was only for him

and he only showed his to you

bc you were you and you were the greatest thing, next to his parents, that he has in his life

omg that thought

he freezes and the picture falls on his face at that realization

omg, does he like you?

youre a great friend and his best friend and he wants to be your friend forever

but then, he realizes

youd separate one day and youd have a boyfriend and get married and have a family without him

no, he wasnt going to let that happen

he didnt like that thought

and thus, began his crush for you

and you were the same thing too but you noticed it later than him

oof, when this one girl confessed to him at the back of the school, you cried to him when yall got home

‘when ken-chan has a girlfriend, he wont hang out with me anymore! hes not going to be my friend anymore!’

it took some reassurance from him and more from your mom, when you got home, to realize that you liked your best friend

and thus began the skinny love stage

the whole volley team knew of your pining and tbh, they thought yall were dating but you were just like, nah, we friends

if anyone were to look at you, they would think the same thing

but ofc, yall are insecure hormonal teenagers who think that the other doesnt like them and if they confess, they would be rejected and that would ruin their friendship and they would not be friends anymore and they dont think they could handle that so its better to keep the feelings hidden and remain friends bc if theyre happy, theyre happy

oml my entire love life

this continued on until the last year of middle school

bc not only do you suddenly stop being friends, you became rivals

so as volleyball manager, you helped the team with whatever they needed in return of them doing their absolute best and winning the game

the last game of the year, you were slightly confused at the way shirabu was playing bc it wasnt the normal way he sets

before, his sets were so good that he could give it to any player and they would spike perfectly

but now, it was so different due to the simple, almost lazy, and very high tosses

the team was slightly irritated bc they couldnt keep up with the high tosses so they couldnt hit it

in between the sets, during break, you pulled him aside as you wiped off his sweat

‘ken-chan, youre not setting properly to the others. theyre getting angry because it doesnt allow them to spike right.’

he glares at you, with almost manic eyes

‘its their fault for not being able to jump high enough. in order to get a point, the ace must get a high toss to aim a quick spike’

‘but theyre not able to jump that high, ken-chan!’

you whispered, worried that he was going too intense and they would lose the game

all the hard-work the others put in, all to waste

‘i dont care. i must start early and change early so ushijima could hit my sets in the future’

‘but they’re not ushijima, kenjiro!’

you whisper-yelled

‘right now, theres no ushijima, no oikawa, its just you and the team. your team’

he was shook that you used his first name and the way you were actually telling him off

youve never been like that before

but he was blinded by his goal in the future

‘why is he our ace if he couldnt even hit tosses meant for an ace?’

‘because hes not the ace you’re hoping him to be!’

‘kenjiro, listen to me, these boys have worked their asses off for years to even come close to playing against seijoh or shiratorizawa. im going to do everything i can to make that happen and im not going to let them lose just bc you are too busy focusing on the future rather than the present’

with the way he looked at you, you really thought he would listen to you and play the way his team needs him to play

but no, he played the way he thought ushijima needed him to play

in the end, due to the foreign and unfamiliar tosses, they were unable to hit as much points causing them to lose

you could never forget the looks on your fellow classmates, who were also going to graduate this year, as they watched the ball that shirabu tossed, hit the floor right next to them

to say you were pissed was an understatement

you were F U R I O U S ™

you held the hands of the first years as they were devastated at their first loss

but you caught the eye of your ‘friend’ and he was biting his lip in irritation and anger

as your team was walking to their locker room to get changed, you pulled shirabu aside

‘what the hell’

he stared at you

‘we lost. we lost bc they couldnt keep up’

‘kenjiro! are you not listening to yourself?! you lost because you couldnt accept the fact that your teammates arent ushijima wakatoshi! you couldnt accept the fact that they’re not tall enough! strong enough! ace-like enough! and for what?! for the future?! the future where you’re going to set for someone like ushijima?!’

‘i vowed to set for a player like him, y/n! i want to toss a ball to someone as powerful and as talented as him! thats a promise i intend to keep’

you were dumbfounded 

he was acting on his own reasons and selfish intent, even costing them a game, for his preparation in the future

‘i cannot believe you right now. i didnt know you were so selfish, shirabu. of all the years i knew you, you were never like this. so what changed?’

at the almost betrayed look on your face hurt him bc weren’t you always there to help him? to support him? wasnt that the reason you became a manager in the first place? 

‘you dont understand, y/n. i need to change the way i play now because it will greatly benefit me in the future’

honestly, you didnt even know why you were so angry about this

sure, it was volleyball and it was just a game

you had high school to win it again

but maybe it was the fact that he wasn’t being the shirabu you knew

the ken-chan you grew up with and harbored feelings for for years

he was turning to someone that worked not for himself, but for some guy he has never even spoken to

you blinked away the tears and looked off the side, away from his face

‘right. the future. yanno, if youre already like this, i dread to think about how you would act once you get that goal of yours. but i know one thing. im not going to be there to see it happen’

god that last sentence

he felt a piece of his world crumble bc were you saying goodbye? were you leaving him?

‘i cant see you torture yourself into changing into a new person, kenjiro. so good luck finding someone who can’

‘oh yea? well, i dont need you! i’ll be perfectly fine on my own and find someone better than you! youre easily replacable!’

that was a big booboo love

that fight costed him more than a decade of friendship and a few years of love

despite living so closely together, you refused to even acknowledge him and when your parents got together, you’d find some way to be out ofthe house or you’d lock yourself in your room

he tried many times to get to you and even cried to you, begging to not leave him

but you willed strong and you left him alone

omg she handled this so bad and i cant w puberting teenagers

eventually, he got tired of chasing you and was now angry at you for picking a team of people youve only met for a few years over him who’s been there for you since you were 5

he was betrayed, cold, and sad

however,

without each other to be there, you both studied even harder and eventually, you were both able to get into shiratorizawa

initially, you wanted nothing to do w that school since you knew kenjiro was going to be in it and that bastard ushijima wakatoshi was too

um,,, babygurl ushi did nothing to you

but your mother really wanted you to go to a nice school since she wanted you to go to a nice college

since yall werent friends anymore, he didnt know you wouldn’t be in shiratorizawa

so imagine his surprise when he saw you entering his class with the girls uniform on and a completely new hairstyle and hair color and were you wearing makeup?!

lmao she acting like they broke up

anyways, all he knows, is that boys were already looking at you and vying for attention and dear god, he didnt know how to handle that

for the first month of school, youd think you would just be ignoring each other like you did back in middle school

but nope!

somehow, yall were now talking again!

except it was a mean type of talking

you see, shirabu studied as much as he breathed and you were just a naturally smart sister who didnt study as much

but you still were able to make it to the top and currently, you were the 1st in your entire class

‘ara ara? 1st again? better luck next time, shirabu-kun~’

he glared at you from his seat as you passed by with a smug grin

this fueding is giving me vertigo

‘shut up. at least some of us work for our grades’

that was so weak lmao

but you turned around to blink your eyelashes, slightly mocking him

‘eh? are you saying that i’m naturally gifted? yanno, shirabu-kun, naturally gifted people are much better than those who have to work for it. you play with ushijima-senpai, right? so you’d know the difference between you two.’

bringing up ushijima always pained him but he kept repeating it to himself that he was doing it so that he could go to nationals

sensing his silence as defeat, you waved your hand and went back to conversing w your other friends

this continued on again for a while and he was already sick and tired of it

not only was it beginning to get annoying, it was beginning to hurt

he cornered you at your locker

aaaaa kabedon!!!!!!!

‘listen to me and listen well, y/n’

yessir im listening

‘whatever the hell youre doing, cut it out. youre not going to rile me up anymore and im not going to give you the reactions you want. i dont understand why youre doing this to me but you need to stop before i make you’

ohgodyessir

ngl, that tone of his voice was the lowest youve heard and it made you so red bc that was just hot

but you gulped before grinning wolfishly, hand pressed against his chest and the other snaking around his neck

you pulled him down to your level so you could lean close to his ear

‘now you listen to me and listen well, ken-chan, youre not my best friend anymore so you can no longer tell me what to do, kay?’

shirabu was just flustered at the close proximity between your lips and his ears that he completely missed your warning

he only snapped out of it when you walked away, heading towards your next class

you sat in class that day, wondering how to tease him more

clearly, just words wouldnt make him irritated

gurl why you doing this

and you were stumped until you saw a red-haired looking guy accompanied by a gray-haired looking guy coming up to you

ofc you recognized them from the volley team since you’ve,,,,,,maybe seen a few practices

you thought theyd just pass by but they stopped in front of you and you looked up w wide eyes

‘can,,,, i help you?’

‘wow shes cute!’

the red head shouted and you shrunk under the gazes of these tall men

‘sorry about him. im semi eita, second year’

you shook his hand and you introduced yourself before soon finding out this other guy was tendo satori

‘so what do you need me for?’

‘you see, we’re kinda in need of a manager. and i think its better to have a manager who is close to a player in the team. i apologize to say this but i saw you and shirabu-san by the lockers the other day and i think its best to have his girlfriend as our manager’

‘g-girlfriend?!’

you shrieked, shocked that they thought you were

at this mention, you got a flashback from the festival and you soon turned bright red at the label of you being kenjiro’s girlfriend

‘and youre so cute y/n-chan! i can see what our darling kouhai sees in you!’

‘no, you got it all wrong its-’

then you stopped

omg this was the perfect opportunity

no gurl stop jesus take the wheel

shirabu would hate it if you were a manager bc that would give you more room to tease him

holy

then you smiled

‘i accept, senpais. i want to see my baby in action after all’

they were ecstatic since it was a hassle to find a manager who wasnt infatuated w ushijima

you exchanged contacts and soon, you were brought to meet the team

oh boy when kenjiro saw you at the door, he dropped the ball on his head

what in the hell were you doing here

‘guys, this is our new manager!’

you peeked out from tendo and waved at them

‘hello, my name is l/n y/n, first year. and im glad to be your manager’

noticing shirabu’s shocked form, tendo and semi shared a look and interpreted as, hes so happy that his senpais chose his girlfriend for him so now he could show off and play better and that could hopefully turn his attitude to be more grateful and respectful rather than this dismissive and disrespectful behavior

but shirabu was dying inside

oh god, youre totally going to tease him during practice and hes not going to be at his best and hes not going to be able to prove himself to ushijima

‘oi! shirabu-kun! come be grateful to your senpais for letting your darling girlfriend as our manager!’

‘hey baby!’

omg, what

again, you have a loud and expressive personality so you were kinda shameless so you just ran up and hugged him

aaaaa this is so embarassing wth

‘didnt you miss me? oh, youre so cute!’

god, he knows youre only here to spite him

right on point, good sir

ugh you were practically teasing him as the manager and you were having so much fun making him all flustered

but he was also spiteful 

sometimes, he would stick his foot out whenever youd run towards a player and hed laugh at you embarassing yourself in front of them

youd return the favor by accidentally throwing his water bottle at his face

‘oh, gomen, ken-chan’

the entire time, the team was baffled to see the usual stoic and dismissive shirabu so freely laughing and actually teasing you

they think its just for good fun and not the aim of hurting each other since yall are dating and youre just flirting

combined w being academic rivals and now rivals during the team, you both were unintentionally becoming close again

the brutality was slowly simmering to a low heat

and turn the over on at 350 degrees

now, it was just to make each other flustered

the crush that you thought was gone, was slowly digging itself out like the zombies in plants vs zombies

and my god you were annoyed

from now on, you were nothing but rivals and a parasite on his side

him feeling the same

dating would cause too much and the hurtful words would eventually come back up and you concluded that you were just too different

you didnt conclude shit

one time, the team was walking from practice to a nearby convenience store to pick up food

ofc you were picking out a billion foods and you just shoved them all to his arms

‘my darling boyfriend would pay for it because he loves me. ya know what they say, make his pockets hurt’

he glared at you 

‘as far as i remember, i wasnt dating a pig’

ngl, that hurt a little bc hes calling you a fattie

but he still went up to pay for it and you intentionally bumped him with your hips to annoy him but it caused him to drop his wallet to fall

and out came his money and that picture

the picture from nearly 3 years ago

you bent down to pick it up before he could even move 

god, yall were so happy and young back then

it was awkward silent since you didnt give it back and yall walked out of the store and the team was sensing the weird vibe around you two

‘oi, what happened? its so tense!’

‘did you fight?’

‘did you get caught making out by the aisles?’

‘ong shut up, kai!’

yall kai is a third year senpai that i completely made up since we dont get insight on the senpais before ushijima

but the team noticed the weird aura around you two and decided to walk away to give yall some space

‘can-will you hand it over now?’

shirabu mumbled

you nodded and pushed it in his hands

‘why,,,, why do you still have it?’

‘you gave it to me. of course id still have it’

you were silent before coughing

‘can we talk?’

‘its about time we do’

yall walked away from the team towards your home but were taking weird turns and corners to prolong the walk

you looked up to see him and you laughed

‘this is ridiculous. its not fair’

‘what are you talking about?’

he whispered

‘i was so angry at you for saying that you dont need me and that you could easily find someone better because i knew that and i didnt like it. but i was so hurt that it came from your mouth. out of everyone, i would rather die than hear you say that to me. i think thats why ive been like this. i dont know, im being stupid. i was being stupid.’

he stopped walking and clenched his fist while glaring at the ground

‘you told me you were going to leave me. you were telling me that you wouldnt be friends with me anymore. i had to choose between you or volleyball and i wasnt at the right state of mind at that time so i chose incorrectly’

you noticed him not beside you anymore so you went behind him to rest your forehead on his back so he would see you since he preferred to be honest while not looking at you

‘ken-chan, we messed up big time, didnt we?’

his body shook as he laughed

‘i guess we did’

‘it was only over a game. i was so mean and dramatic and ive called you names and said bad stuff about you and im sorry’

‘im not innocent either. i said those words to you and im sorry’

despite slightly making up now, you both knew those feelings would have to wait because you were only getting each other back

‘can we start over, ken-chan?’

‘you want to?’

‘yes’

‘then we will’

omg the whiplash this is giving me

so yall are finally becoming friends and your families are relieved yall made up again bc wowza those dinners were torturous

‘now that they made up, we can go back to planning their wedding’

‘MOM NO!’

slowly but surely, everything has been going steady and your friendship was getting better

but you didnt admit to the club about everything bc again, shirabu was like, ‘i dont feel like explaining everything’

you both still kept a rivalry but it was friendly this time with cute wagers like treat me to milk bread or banana milk

tOOrU oIKaWA’s fAvoRiTE fOod iS MiLK bREaD

he came over often and studied w you and yall would end up actually just watching a movie or watching brain games, unconsciously cuddled up on the couch

however,

this new closeness was doing damage to your heart bc you were again reminded of how much you liked this boy

initially, you thought it would just go away and never be seen again but it said

sIKe biH!

every time you saw him, youd unconsciously sweep away a stray hair and fix it to his weird crooked style

but whenever you do that, shirabu would get a close view of your face and omg you were freaking beautiful

and thats saying something from a guy who saw you through your awkward phase

hes unconsciously touching you more and showing more affection, even more than when yall were young

just being w you was emotionally exhausting as he holds himself back from doing drastic things but he was over it

he was done with all the years of pining for you so finally found the balls to do something about it

you were over at his place to study for exams and he was coming back up with juice

you were slumped over your calculus textbook with your hair in a bun and glasses on wearing his clothes

god theyre practically dating already

‘ken-chan, come help me with this’

he nods and goes to sit behind you

with his tall height, he was able to look over your shoulder and place his chin on it and tbh, you were so frustrated w the problem you didnt care about the closeness

‘you misplaced a decimal so everything got all wrong’

he mumbled

you gasped and made a noise of agreement before changing your answer

he didnt move though, instead wrapping his arms around yourwaist

‘oi, n/n’

‘hm’

this is a familiar scene

‘wanna go to the market tomorrow?’

at the mention of the market you stopped and leaned back

oh god your heart leapt at the feeling of his chest behind you but you composed quickly

‘should we?’

you turned to gauge his reaction at your closeness but he gently smiled

‘yea’

‘okay’

you havent been back to the market together since that day and it was so nostalgic as you both did the things you did back then

from the takoyaki to the stalls

it was so fun

but your heart was beating so fast

his smiling face and thoroughly enjoyed face was doing palpations in your heart

you looked away to stop staring at him and found the photo booth

‘look, ken-chan! the photo booth!’

he chuckled at the thought

‘should we go get another one?’

‘yes! come on!’

you quickly inserted the money and shirabu had flashbacks

but this time it was going to be different

‘okay lets start!’

the first picture, it was a peace sign

the second one was a wacky one

but the next one, was different

‘oi y/n’

‘what?’

the shutter went off just in time of him kissing you

the bright light caused you to close your eyes and you soon forgot what was happening

all you knew you were kissing ken-chan

your best friend

turned enemy

turned friend again

and now,,, were you lovers?

this rollercoaster is quite loopy

he pulled away and rested his forehead against yours

‘im sorry if-’

‘no balls, do it again’

and this time you lunged back for another

and again, this time, not only did you give him another photo, but you also gave him your heart

la fin.

yall what did i just write

[patchdotexe]

doip.: session.. 3?? / 8.30.21

oh shit i cant hear the recap music bc of my fucking headset

I FORGOT WE STOLE(?) A BARREL CRAB

LAST TIME ON DRAGONS OF ICESPIRE PEAK: we killed the shapechanger and stole(?) a barrel crab!

michael: i feel like we have to use the barrel crab now, because the announcer guy included it in the recap jorb: the announcer guy. michael: i don't know his name!

notes may be sparse bc im doodling alidaar while listening to the others talk

we have given the funny little animal arson powers

time to go to the dwarven excavation! also i finished doodling so im listening now

"i'm going to roll perception to see if some shit is up-- ahaahaa. aaahahaeehahaahaa . aaa"

michael to the rescue! with a better explanation of what he's trying to look for (if anythings been raided or messed up) and also a better roll in general

are the wyatts still arguing about horses? (no! somehow.)

nyx: are you trying to perceive jorb: are you trying to use your eyes, sir?

dwarven excavation has a big ol temple! which has dwarven statues out front that have "evil grins" or smth. so, uh, this is fine

michael: i dont think i trust those stone piles, they look like theyre drawn on an animation frame.

it has been 4 sessions and nyx's character still doesnt have a name btw

nyx: i am the most stealthy binturong that has ever existed, i am squeaking out loud, i am throwing rocks everywhere nyx being a Funny Little Animal is so good bc even tho his stealth check sucked, the dwarves he's stalking just ignored him bc it's a lil binturong vibing on some rocks

every day im shufflin'

(jorb shuffling tokens around trying to remember which npc is which)

nyx: [coughing] leo: ..is nyx dying? jorb: no - wait no i thought that was part of the ambience but yeah that's nyx dying

dwarves :>

alidaar is fun. snarky bastard. pronouns aren't real

temple has an infestation of goops!

michael: hold on let me cast a spell on myself before i recall high school physics

alidaar: i'm gonna be real i'm just here for violence and p much nothin else, sooooo

alidaar: alriiiight! venture forth, fuckos!

oh hey ali has darkvision. apparently that's a house rule thing bc for some reason dragonborn?? don't have darkvision???? normally??????? ty based jorb

leo, as alidaar: i've just discovered i have darkvision! i've never been in a dark room in my entire life! michael: alidaar scratching the side of his head like "what does this little switch do?" click. "oh my god i have darkvision!"

jorb: you're checking out the ceiling, huh? leo: y.. ye a ...

uh oh, oozes!

leo: i'm.. going to back away. jorb: that's probably a good idea. leo: i'm going to knock on the wall [over by tobias] and go "hey uh, i found a problem. i found TWO problems."

having a group huddle!

WHOOPS I FORGOT TO EQUIP MY RUNES good thing i figured that out right before combat started lmao. alidaar's a rune knight now!

leo: [checking something] jorb: [@ nyx] ..you now have an initiative of 23. leo: w

PEPPER'S HERE

distracted from d&d by cat

LITTLE GUY HAS DEPLOYED AN ORBITAL LASER (moonbeam) lmao the jelly walked right into it bc. int of 2-- WHOA guiding bolt op

one jelly down! -AH BEANS im getting owned

whap

woo, combat done! i was the only one that got hit lmao

nawball is talking abt eating grass.

alidaar found a secret door! while both tobias and nameless failed lmao

man i keep not taking good notes bc its mainly us fighting stuff and then exploring around. which is fun! but not interesting to take notes of asides from funny quips

remember how i said the wyatts werent arguing abt horses? i was wrong

HELP I'M INSIDE A WALL

AH FUCK NOTHER JELLY

I'M GOING TO PARKOUR OVER THE JELLY. LET'S GOOOOOOOOO I'VE GOT A PLUS SIX TO ATHLETICS LETS GOOOOOOOOOOO i lost like half my hp and fell over prone but IT WAS WORTH IT NOT WORTH IT NOT WORTH IT NOT WORTH IT WOW. THIS WAS A BAD IDEA.

SOMEHOW THIS LET ME ESCAPE BC THE JELLY SUCKS THATM UCH

jorb: ..okay, because its a 1, im gonna say youre prone again leo: GODAMNIT

jorb: do you want to spend half of your movement to get up? you don't have anywhere to go-- leo: LET ME UP. I WANT TO STAND UP jorb: okay! whatre you gonna do now- leo: VIOLENCE. I WANT TO KILL [rolls to attack]

jorb: how do you wanna do this? leo: i am going to fucking splatter this jelly like jam on toast.

I KEEP GETTING STUCK IN THE WALL

little guy is putting on a cool necklace they found in a strange tomb! This Is Fine

rubbing my face on a pillar to investigate it leo: [rolls a 5] i go up to the pillar, and i put my face against it, and i just.. stand there leaning on it with my face smooshed on it

leo: i'm gonna keep rubbing my face on it [rolls a 10] jorb: your face hurts a little bit.

npc: hey, uh, whatre you doing over there? alidaar: my best.

tobias: alidaar, did you find anything? alidaar: i found a pillar.

leo: okay, naptime. i fall asleep where im standing - im leaning on the pillar, face smushed against it, and i fall asleep standing there

oh shit, orcs these are the like. generic angy orcs. which is a shame but eh at least i ooc get to feel less guilt about ic alidaar going off the shits in 0.5 seconds surprise round! tobias bisected the first orc and alidaar's breath weapon nearly knocked out the other two. in the surprise round. man i love alidaar's breath weapon WOW. LITTLE GUY JUST DID A CRITICAL HIT. I FEEL BAD FOR THESE GUYS

leo: i feel kinda bad for these orcs! michael: they probably eat babies its fine

michael: i'm going to go full todoroki on this ass [...] yes i had to google to make sure i was getting the name right

all the orcs are just. Obliterated. OH MY GOD THEY DIDNT GET A TURN. THEY DIDNT GET A SINGLE HIT IN WE JUST ANNIHILATED ALL OF THEM michael: ..are we the baddies?

potg: michael sniping an orc in half

[s4ijoh]

CHARACTER ANALYSIS. OIKAWA TOORU

DISCLAIMER: this is based on my personal opinion. you have every right to disagree.

WARNINGS: suggestive themes

early on his teenage years, i think oikawa would be one to often mistake having a crush with being in love. therefore, he falls out of love just as fast he fell in - but dont get him wrong, he is still treating his partners with the utmost respect during their time together but once realization hits him, he recognizes he is wasting his time and he is not sugarcoating it, he is leaving - he learns to not get attached to any of his partners because he has seen many of them come and go + will start to grow frustrated with all these hopeless relationships. so he learns to not take them too seriously. his relationships were mainly boring and, to him, always felt temporary, like they were always missing something, some meaning (ill mention this further on!!) 

so, it is true he gets out of a relationship as fast as he got into it: and i think this is where he might get his womanizer reputation from, although that couldn’t be further from the truth - he is not on a selfish quest to satisfy his needs, he doesnt see every girl as someone to conquer. i dont think he is one to actively look for a relationship - if the girl likes him and he thinks she’s pretty, once again, he might mistaken his crush for love and get into a relationship w her, only to realize, later on, that he was not actually in love with her - nor is he one to actively seek for sex, like he won’t seduce girls to get laid. it might eventually lead to that point but it usually happens because it just seems people cant resist his charms and he usually ends up going with the flow. he wont persuade people on purpose tho, hes just being his usual genuine charming and flirtatious self. but dont think im delusional, i know hes not an angel, he will sometimes flirt with people just for the sake of it, no second intentions tho he’s just finds it fun to tease them a little.

that being said i also believe he started messing around very early. (+ im not sexualizing a minor, we all know people are having sex b4 theyre 18 so dont even get me started, ffs). i see him as someone who is curious about sex and so when he got into his first relationship, both parties agreed they were ready so they were like,, well, why not? honestly, it was not too bad but it was not great either, he was disappointed for it was not as extraordinary as he had expected it to be. was this what people yearned for oh so desperately, he doesn't get it.

eventually, when his first girlfriend breaks up with him he doesnt seem all too phased and gets over it in a couple days. - we have seen that on the anime, when his nephew mentions that his girlfriend broke up with him, hes not that bothered although im aware it might as well been him trying to hide his pain but, for the sake of this story, i dont think this is the case.

he learns that despite all his curiosity, sex is not something that is essential to him. on future relationships, he keeps chasing after that ecstatic feeling everyone keeps talking about - he wants to know what the fuss is all about - but to no use bc still, he can’t quite put the finger on it but, he is never quite satisfied, it lacks something.

and this, ladies and gentlemen, is where it gets interesting. i very much believe that, that something, is a strong emotional bond with his partner! he is a gemini mars!! and, bear with me here, it takes a lot to keep him interested but when he has sex with someone that he truly loves... hes whipped. like, the experience is mindblowing, hes immediately wrapped around your finger!! he will put all his effort into making sure your relationship lasts and!! as i mentioned before, hes not one to give everything up for a one night stand or whatever womanizer/fuckboy behaviour people always portray him to have. hes not playing games, he would never break someone’s heart on purpose. and now, that he thinks he finally found the one, much less. he feels it in his gut, that this one is meant to last and he’s definitely not letting go of you!

you introduce him to a whole new world! hes getting butterflies every time you come around, hes never experienced this before? the feeling is so strong and this baby feels so overwhelmed. is this what falling in love feels like? he now gets what people meant about the beauty of being in love.

he is definitely seeing the world through rose tinted glasses, now that he is in love, the world around him is so much more beautiful. he has so much love inside of him that he projects it onto every little thing. he finds beauty in the colourful leaves falling to the ground when autumn is just around the corner and days are getting shorter and suddenly, his walks back home are not as dull for he finds comfort in the dimly lit street, watching as fireflies cling onto the warmth radiating from the streetlamps - yes he is a romantic!

you will find this man talking about you to all of his friends which, despite popular belief, didnt happen regarding his past girlfriends because he had more important things on his mind, had other priorities, but suddenly he is all you can think about, his mind is inundated with thoughts of you! he has an ! urge ! to talk about you, about every little detail he can remember about you; how you snore ever so lightly or how your hands are always warm. he wants to show you off to all his friends and wants them to see how lucky he is to have you. he won’t shut up about you but honestly his friends are so happy for him they wont mind his never ending babbling.

in the end, even though life might eventually send the both of you on your separate ways, he will always hold onto the way you made him feel - he will never forget you were his first true love - and he is so thankful that he got to experience it in this lifetime with you. he is forever in debt to you for showing him what it feels like to be in love. you changed his life, as dramatic as it might sound for once he has experienced this kind of bond he is never going back to his old ways, he now knows what devotion is all about.