#<i know this all sounds very 12-year-old-edgy but well. fucking whatever!!!!

[automatonknight]

id: a digital drawing of walenty-an original character. he’s a white teen with short dark hair that covers up the top part of his face, two long, twisted horns on top of his head, fangs, claws and a long, thin tail that splits into two. he’s looking off to the right with a neutral expression. in his hair and the fur around his neck there are roses. he’s wearing a dark green suit with long coattails and a red, petal-like collar, a light green, striped vest, long dark green gloves, dark green pants and black, white and red elegant shoes. she’s standing upright with one hand behind her back and one resting on the hilt of her rapier that’s strapped to her hip. the background is black save for a white circle behind walenty’s head. end id

[syrenki]

for the album asks: lanas "ultraviolence" and sky ferreiras "night time, my time"

oooh, thank you anon!! okay, i'm gonna be honest with you, i only know the title track from sky ferreira. i love it though, i really do, it's glorious. and hey, since you asked this, i'm guessing the whole album is worth listening to, right? thank you for the rec, i'll educate myself on her, hahah

and when it comes to lana, oh man. let's go. i'll actually go least to most favourite, it feels more exciting this way, tbh. so:

14. guns and roses, obviously. it's a shockingly unremarkable track for such a remarkable album, isn't it? just so... bland, frankly.

13. the other woman and yeah, okay, it kind of hurts to put this as my second most disliked song, because it's really good! it just doesn't hit all the right spots for me, i think, quite like the rest of ultraviolence does.

12. florida kilos, it's very sweet and summery! i don't think that i'm very obsessed with it, though. i think she has a lot of tracks that taste ripe like july too, but are more... unique - say 1949 or even the newer doin' time.

11. fucked my way up to the top - well, what can i say, it's sexy. and i love the trance-like feel it has going on. not one of my faves, but yeah, i'm putting it above the other woman and florida kilos because it sets a very... hmm. specific mood, if ykwim.

10. black beauty. it's funny, i actually mostly listened to a different version of it that i downloaded to my mp3 player years ago, only to discover that the real, officially released one sounds completely different now that i regularly use spotify. i do love the lyrics on this one, though. i used to listen to it so, so much in 2016 or 2017, i think!

9. ultraviolence - she was the moment, she was nicole before nicole, huh? i love the dreamy edgyness in this one! it actually took me a long time to warm up to ultraviolence, despite it being the title track, but as soon as i did, i fell in love. i love the wordplay, she really knew what she was doing with the name of this album.

8. money, power, glory - i could have never suspected that i'd put this over black beauty back in middle school, but at this point? yeah. i actually don't care much for the lyrics, as i'm not the type of person to strive for luxury a lot - you can call it being non-superficial, or maybe a lack of ambition, or lazyness. yeah, lmao. what i love most about this song is just the sheer sound of it, the drums, her voice in the ,,glory!" part, the ,,hallelujahs" - it's all so... orgasmic. plus the high pitched ,,i can do it if you really really like it" with the slowed guitar riff in the background completely sells me on this song.

7. brooklyn baby - i mean, what is there to explain. it's just brooklyn baby, you know? yeah, my girlfriend's pretty cool, but she's not as cool as me. i think it's a little bit too cute and positive for the edgy fucker that i am, otherwise, quality-wise, it could very well be in the top 3.

6. sad girl - it's sweet, it's edgy, it's kinda emo. a love child of pretty when you cry and brooklyn baby, i guess. it's not a masterpiece, but i'm putting it pretty high up the list simply for the ,,he's got the fiiiireee!" part and my own personal feelings for this song, yk? oh well, it's my ranking after all, and i can be as subjective as i please. ♡

5. shades of cool - it's just so good! yes, my baby sure does live in shades of blue! some really similar dynamics to black beauty, and again, god, just a year or two ago i would probably say this was my fave, or at least one of my faves, now i think my love for old money and cruel world has outgrown it, though. it really reminds me of dark blue, indigo and violet hues, you know? it's ultraviolet after all, i guess. the vocals in that instrumental bridge kill me every time in the sweetest of ways.

4. cruel world - man oh man, i would eat this if i could. i would drink it, or put this song into a heart-shaped locket to wear on my neck at all times. it's so unbelievably dreamy, and sexy, and the line about being happy that they're gone hits so hard out of nowhere in the context of the song, for some reason it sounds more like she's singing about someone's death rather than simply them not being a part of her life anymore. i got your bible, i got your gun, and i'm so happy now that you're gone. god. wow. some fatherhood themes for sure. i'm not entirely certain why, that's just how i feel it.

3. west coast. what can i say? newer lana is cool, but she wants what west-coast-ultraviolence-lana had. the tempo change every time she gets to ,,i can see my baby swinging", have you actually noticed how much slower the song gets? and those few guitar notes right before this line. agh, it makes me feel so strangely heartbroken for a love i never had. maybe it's because of this world heritage romeo+juliet music video, though. i can't really think of anything else now when i listen to west coast. oh, and also, i never thought a sexy, playful song like froot would work so well with the moody west coast, but it really, really does.

2. old money - look, this is a personal one. i know it's nowhere near as iconic as brooklyn baby or west coast or anything, but i can't tell you how bittersweet this song is to me, personally. one of the first songs i even know from lana. i used to listen to it at 13, laying in my bed at 3am, drinking some oversweetened coffee, reading about sigils or whatever the hell. some blog on here had an audio player built into its html and i remember, it played this song, among others. i spent weeks searching for it. it sounds like peaceful, quiet tragedy. the calm, almost resigned sound of it sends me right back to those spring nights. always, always.

1. pretty when you cry, judge me how you will for this choice. there's something so utterly exsquisite and heartbreaking about this song, it reaches into you and tugs at your heart with its bony cold hands. i cannot praise it enough, ever. even if it's fully because of my own associations and memories. i always come back to it. i used to cry to it when i lost the person that my 'and winters here are eternal' tag is about. there's just... god, there's something about this song. and also, hey, i really am pretty when i cry.

thank you for the ask and i'm sorry for getting so in-depth and, hm, suddenly writing in a weirdly pretentious way. that's just what lana does to you://

[madllamamomma]

I Think I Have a Problem.... (A personal true story).

So as the title suggests, I have a strange problem…. Just as a warning, this is about my view of my younger self. It is about religion, and gender identity. This is not how I see the world anymore. It was how I told how the world should look. If you are offended in any way, please know this is a vent post and nothing to hurt anyone else. This is just what happened to me as a child. Shit….. This is about to get very long winded, so buckle up and here we go… *takes deep breath*

So a little backstory on your Mother Llama: I was raised in a weird backward ass “Independent” Baptist church most of my young life. If you guys don’t know what those are, be thankful…. But I guess I should explain it the best way I can…. they are a borderline cult. Yes. I said it. I’m not sorry. It may sound like an extreme accusation, but hold on. Just listen to me.

Now, I have no problem with Christians, or religion. You should believe whatever you want to believe in…. I do however, have a problem when religion is used as an excuse to not educate minds about the real world, force them to not let them think for themselves, and when someone questions any of it, they are punished or shamed for it instead of thinking about an answer. If you can’t tell, I am still a little angry about that shit. Imma try to keep on topic here….

I wasn’t taught science (real science anyways, it was all about ‘creation’ bs—OH! And being anything but a cis straight person was compleltly unexceptable. Woman were the weaker sex and were made to raise babies and take care of the husband. Men were superior and should be taken care of.) nor about World history or about other cultures, other than biblical of course. And when they were mentioned, they made them look evil and behave like heathens because they didn’t believe the same as they did. Everything changed when I went to public school half of fourth grade when my family moved to a different state and there wasn’t any church school like I went to. I learned a lot those years, that ‘The World’ wasn’t as bad of a place as they said it was. It was vast and had many things to offer. (No, not the World, Dio’s stan power from Jojo’s bizarre adventures—that is what our pastors called anything outside of the Baptist approved realm. Something ‘Worldly’ was basically something sinful and ungodly and therefor was bad and wrong).

So this may seem like a strange Segway in to what I am actually getting at, but I had a huge crush on this boy back when I was young and it started when I was about 12 or 13 years old and ended when I was 16. He was the same age as me, and he was the son of a pastor of a small church of about 20 people, mostly military families— we will call him.... D.... for dick...

I thought for a long time that I ‘loved’ D. I thought that ‘God made him for me’ (yes I really said that and it hurt to even write it). I really thought I knew what love was back then, but I was very wrong.

D was homeschooled, he didn’t have many friends and was also a navy brat like I was. So, naturally, we got along very well, and I would hang out with him at his house sometimes. We mainly played video games I was terrible at and he would always bet me. But I liked hanging out with him, so I didn’t care if I won or not. My heart for some reason was totally head over heels over D. And he liked me too for a while… or at least I thought he did… He however never made a move. I always thought D was just too shy, and didn’t know how to ask me. Any time I tried holding his hand, I’d chicken out. It was a stalemate. But this particular church did a thing where people had to court. Yes... COURT someone, not DATE (Courting is where you had adult chaperones keeping an eye on you two, you were never really alone. Ever, because apparently you can’t be trusted?). When we both turned 15 yo, D started a private Christian school. Being the awkward girl I was, I never told him how I felt, I just waiting for him to say something. Time passed, and I still waited and waited for him to ask me out.

But here’s the thing! He didn’t know the real me.

I was in public school, in middle school, and I started to become a weeb. Like a super cringy weeb that didn’t like anything else but anime—I was also kinda emo/punk kid thought I was edgy. (Yeah rock music was bad too, it was ‘Worldly’).Not a very good mix for Baptist I know. At school, I was one person, and at church I was another.

Well, being an anime fan meant I was exposed to a lot of things like the LGTB+ community for the first time. A lot of my friends at the time started to come out other than straight and that was very new to me.

During that time, I soon was starting to secretly question my faith, my understanding of my own sexuality and gender. Like, maybe people liking the same sex or both is actually not a bad thing after all (if you haven’t seen any of my works, hopefully you guys know that I know better that what I was taught—I am a proud fuckin’ ally! I still consider myself cis-straight, but some days I feel like I’m bi-curious, and that’s ok! It took me a long time to realize that, but I’m here now. Gender roles are dead and stupid.)

So here is the kicker~ One faithful day we had a guest pastor join us for a few weeks from another church. This mother fuckin’ nasty ass old white man from Alabama came with his ‘perfect quiet godly’ wife. Who badly ever spoke a damn word. She always just sat in the corner all ‘ladylike’.

—Oh!!! Another fun fact, I didn’t wear pants for a year when I was 10 yo becasue that was considered “cross dressing”— I’m dead fucking serious. My parents then decided after attending sporting events and stuff like that to drop that ludicrous lifestyle, becasue it was stupid. So, Outside of church, my family and I still wore pants and shorts and whatever, but in church we pretended that we didn’t wear anything but modest skirts, dresses, and long culottes. (That’s a little damaging…. don’t you think? Telling people your one thing, when in reality you're not like that at all??)

Anyways— I hated skirts, especially wearing them in the state we lived in, it was way too hot and I’d get chafed (these had to be knee length or longer btw). And of course that guest preacher would preach about the sins of women wearing pants, but I didn’t care. I wore them for so long, it just made me angry anytime someone would bring that up. I liked my jeans and I was starting to become a rebel teen who gave less than a fuck and started to speak my mind. Which was dangerous to that community…. Also I had a bad tendency of not keeping my legs together when I bent down, and one time I accidently showed my underwear (that’s really embarrassing btw, it’s not cute, it’s not funny, it’s awful when you're 14 yo-- really any age actually).

So, one day I wore a long jean skirt for a youth outing with the church. I was required to wear it, but I always wore leggings underneath so I wouldn’t accidentally show my undies if I fell down or the wind blew it. This fucker had to say something about it. The old man turned to me with a wrinkled smirk as I was passing by him and dared to utter, “Now, don’t you feel most femine and ladylike in that skirt? I’m sure Jesus would like seeing you like that.”

My shoulders clench up tight, my brow furrows. All I can remember seeing is fucking red and actually trembling with fury. (This was happening in my pastor, D’s father’s, own living room mind you.) D was there watching as I blanched about ten shades of red in anger and embarrassed because that prick of an old man called me out in front of everyone. I turned to him and half shouted, “NO! I don’t!” I could see my pastor’s mouth drop to the floor as I began to completely obliterate this old man. But I couldn't stop myself as I started to further cut into him. “—I hate wearing skirts! I don’t feel ladylike! In fact, they make me feel vulnerable! What if some guy tries to rape me! They won’t have any problem getting to me!—Why is something with a whole on the bottom more ladylike than something that actually covers me?! I like pants! They are comfortable and they make me feel safe! Why is that a sin to wear something that is more covering?!?! I’m not cross dressing, my mom bought them in the girl’s session!! [Keep in mind that was a long time ago, I don’t feel like people should care about what section they get their clothes from, wear what you want] And what do you know about wearing a skirt?! You’re a man! You try wearing them! They suck! You need to stop telling me what I can and can’t wear! I’m not dressing like a whore for wearing something with a crotch!! SO LEAVE ME ALONE!!” Everyone in the living room was just stunned at my audacity to dare speak to this pastor like I did. But he was so fucking quiet after that. And I stormed out of the house and the guest pastor never spoke to me again about it. Luckily my mom came and picked me shortly after that. She was angry too after I told her what happened. That old fuck singled me out and I was pissed off. I was a teenager and that shit was embarrassing!

But I made the mistake of showing my true self. I think after that moment, D stopped liking me after that.

Some shit went down south with my parents behind closed doors of my household, and eventually they got divorced. They left the small church because the pastor didn’t approve of it. Pastor said that my parents just needed more counseling but he didn't understand that they just needed to not be together. Sometimes you can’t make things work. Especially when your dad is a toxic piece of shit that only cares about himself.

Anyways, everyone in my family left the church, but I stuck around that shit-hole just to see if D would ask me out. I was so desperate, I felt like I waited forever, but really it was like 2-3 years, and I felt like I couldn’t give up. Eventually D and I turned 16. He started to become distant and a little mean towards me and I became confused and started to realize the worst. Finally, I was tired of waiting so I asked his older sister if he liked me on the way back taking me home. I could see it in her face, that she didn’t want to have my heart broken, but reluctantly she told me no. He actually liked another girl at his new private school and was going to ask her parents to court her instead.

I was so devastated.... It hurt so much, I cried myself to sleep that night, and most of that week I was very sad.

Obviously, after that, I stopped going to church entirely, I couldn't show my face anymore. Finally let myself question my faith, sexuality, gender roles, and humanity all together. And realized that religion was stupid (in my opinion at the time) and I came u with the conclusion that people can be sheep. I was a sheep for a long time. And I refuse to be one ever again.

High school was very enjoyable after that, and I let myself grow and started to love other religions and world history, and tried to stop being so judgmental of others and what they felt like. I even got into a relationship with a sweet boy around my age.

Eventually in college, after a break-up with my high school sweetheart, I reconnected with D via FB. Apparently, the church went under and his parents moved away to Greece to be missionaries or something. D still lives in the same town I’m in, but graduated from a “Christian academy”—not Catholic, Christian. Catholic colleges are accredited at least. But he basically told me he was a secret “bad boy” now. He lost his virginity in highschool, (like I did) and he was totally trying to booty call me. Not even hiding it either! He was like, “Hey, Llama, you wanna fuck?”.

And I was like, “D! You broke my fucking heart when we were young! Don’t you remember that???”

And he was like, “Oh no! I had no idea! (the fuckin’ liar). Well, we can fuck now!~ *wink, wink*”

🤨

This is where I was a jerk.... Because he broke my heart. I led him on, told him I would meet up with him at his house to sleep with him, and just didn’t show up—ghosted him ever since. The worst part about that, is I still don’t regret doing that to him. I hope I hurt his feelings and felt like an ass like I did.

So years have passed, I consider myself as a rather successful woman now. I’m 27, I consider myself Buddhist (I am a terrible Buddhist I know), I am an Occupational Therapy Assistant and I have a great husband (I married the guy I was with in high school). And he loves the real me—the crazy closet weeb, cartoon watching, creative, expressive, me! The person who also writes fanfiction about a romance novel and he is fine with it. Because he is a huge nerd too and we are both nerds together.

My husband is my best friend and I don’t know what I’d do without him. When I write about Rhemi and Muriel, I draw a lot of inspiration with our conversation we have and how relationship dynamics are and I think it makes the writing more authentic and makes them feel a bit more real.

I love my husband more than anything… So why do I keep dreaming about that stupid asshole that just liked the fake me? D was and always will be a total tool. He is like the basic bitch of a man. And yet I still find him creeping in my dreams and I try to cheat on my husband with him in them. I wake up feeling totally terrible and weird after them too. D is a terrible fucking person—the worst person you can be in my opinion—The kind of person why lies and tells people one thing, but hides the fact that he’s really just a nasty fuck boy. If you are one, just be honest! Don’t tell another woman you're a good christan man, when really you’ve slept with not just one, but multiple girls! That how you get fucking STDs! I hate being lied to, and I’m sure other girls do too! So I guess that’s why I do, because I felt like I was lied to my entire life. Then again, why should I even care?! Why do I feel like I still obsess over him? I hate him so much now! So why do I even care? Why do I still find myself stalking him on social media? Why does it even matter? Why do I want him to see I’m happy without him? Why do I want him to see what he could have had with me? We were just stupid teenagers! Why did I care so much? Why did it hurt so much when I found out he didn’t like me?! It’s been over a decade, and we didn’t even really date! Why did this affect me so hard? …. FUCK!

So yeah. That’s my long ass rant for you all… thanks for coming to my ted talk.

[mithranqueersmusings]

Before This Dance Is Through II

Chapter: 2/16

Rating: T

Summary: Ringo's being going through a dry spell for the last year or so and when he regretfully tells his best friend John, he insists on taking them to an all-male strip club for some "fun". Ringo isn't sure whether it's the alcohol, his desperation or a mixture of the two but he thinks he might be falling in love with a stripper.

Tags: AU - Strippers, Modern Setting, Smut, Slow Burn

Pairings: George Harrison/Ringo Starr, John Lennon/Paul McCartney

AO3 link here / Fic masterlist here

Ringo was just about to get into bed when a notification rang out from his phone, it was charging on the other side of the room because that was the only way he could get himself out of bed in the morning. It was almost 2 o'clock in the morning which meant the text could only be from one person.

        you up???

This was far from the first of these texts that Ringo had received from John, they were almost a weekly occurrence by this point but more often than not Ringo had already fallen asleep.

        was just about to go to bed. why?

        do you have work tomorrow????

        not until 12         do you?

        fuck off

John was a writer, a poet more than anything, which meant that he was always working which really meant that he was never working. Ringo was a drum teacher, had been for almost 7 years at this point, which wasn't as exciting as it sounded; he mostly worked for rich families who had a child who was trying to do something edgy or was brought into schools for one of those strange activity days. Drumming was Ringo's passion and while he was glad that he was able to earn money doing something he loved, he dearly wished he was able to drum for himself rather than spending several hours a week just trying to get a kid to hold the sticks correctly.

        i was about to take a little ride down the helter skelter         care to join me ;)

Ringo stared down at his phone for a moment. It had been over a week since John had dragged him out to that strip club, and while he'd like to say that he'd forgotten about the whole thing it was far from the truth. The sight of Spike dancing on that stage had plagued his memory almost every night since, leading to more than one occasion of late-night indulgence. Ringo had felt guilty touching himself thinking about the other man, but he couldn't pinpoint the reason; he supposed it must've been the guilt he'd felt when watching him dance, and the shame that followed from having to run away into the bathroom like a scared, little kid. His thumbs were frozen in place hovering above his phone screen while his mind was racing. The sensible part of his brain told him to just go to bed, if he indulged this desire tonight it would make the last time more than a one-off and he wasn't sure he was prepared to accept that. Yet the deeper part of his mind, the one he often tried to ignore, urged him to go back just for the opportunity to see Spike again - after all, the current wank material he was providing was getting a little stale.

        have you fallen asleep you twat

        no no im still here

        well do you wanna come or not?? i can pick you up

        are you sober?

        mostly

        mostly?

        fuck sake         ARE YOU COMING OR NOT

        fine         but ill drive

        whatever makes you happy

As much as he wouldn't like to admit it, Ringo spent a ridiculous amount of time - by his standards - choosing what to wear. Even though he knew the club was dangerously dark, and even though what he wore shouldn't really matter, that voice in the back of his mind told him to look nice for him. For the stripper he'd seen for about 5 minutes, the stripper whose real name he didn't even know, who probably didn't even remember Ringo in the slightest. He'd tried his best to not read too far into the obsession his brain seemed to have with Spike - trying to separate himself from his thoughts as though they were two separate beings had been a vital step in this - but as he stood in front of his mirror comparing two near identical jumpers, he supposed he wasn't going to be able to ignore it for much longer. His heart even felt heavy at the thought that Spike might be working tonight; he couldn't tell if it was just a strange fixation that his desperation had conjured up but the only thing he knew for certain was that he wanted to see him again.

Ringo arrived at John's place later than he would've liked but when the front door was opened to revealed a very ruffled, very drunk man, Ringo figured John wouldn't have noticed how long he'd been.

"Mostly sober?" Ringo scoffed at the sight of him, his cheeks rosy and a satisfied smile spread across his lips.

"You're not my mum and you're not the police, so fuck off." John was leaning against the door-frame, Ringo supposed partly for support and partly to look cool.

It was a common occurrence for John to get like this, far more common than Ringo would've liked. John drank a lot, at first Ringo figured it was just something everyone did when they got old enough to drink with almost no consequences, then as it continued he tried to explain it away as just something artists did. Years had passed since Ringo had first noticed it and nothing had really changed, it had gotten worse if anything, but there was nothing he really felt he could do. He debated whether he should cancel the plan altogether, to insist that John stayed home and got some sleep, but things were never really that simple. He was almost certain that if he refused to drive them, John would only find another way. He'd tried multiple things over the years: dragging him along to AA meetings, swearing to give up alcohol alongside him, even refusing to hang out with him if he'd been drinking, but nothing seemed to work. John had been through a lot, still was going through a lot, so Ringo figured the best thing he could do was simply to be there for John, it was both the most and least he could do.

Before they headed out Ringo at least managed to convince John to eat some leftover Chinese food he had in the fridge in an attempt to soak up the alcohol somewhat - and to ensure he'd had at least one semi-decent meal that day. They then slid into Ringo's car, it was a little beaten up but it served its purpose, and drove off to the place Ringo was almost certain would be the death of him. It was a Saturday so unsurprisingly the club was a great deal busier than it had been last time, there were several small groups of people smoking outside, some of them clearly workers and how they weren't risking getting frostbite Ringo didn't know. Any hopes of John sobering up a little on the journey there were dashed when he immediately hurried over to the bar as soon as they walked in the door. Ringo tried to stick to his side as best he could, his nervousness from the first time felt like it had tripled with how busy the place was now, so he aimed to keep in John's gravitational pull as much as possible. The music seemed louder but Ringo was certain that was just his imagination. They had to elbow their way to the front of the bar just to get noticed, luckily John had no qualms doing it, which resulted in a few glares from the other customers.

With their drinks in hand they couldn't sit - or hide as Ringo saw it - at the bar like they had done last time, instead they moved further into the club in search for a place to sit. There was a booth near the bathroom that was empty, for obvious reasons, which Ringo pulled them towards desperately. Maybe this was a bad idea. What was he really expecting after all? At most he'd catch another glimpse of Spike, almost have a heart-attack then have to run home less than ten minutes later. Anxiety began nibbling away at his mind, it had a nasty habit of doing that, and the claustrophobic atmosphere wasn't helping. John seemed right at home, as he did almost anywhere, craning his neck between people in search for someone.

"Looking for your Paulie?" Ringo asked in an eager attempt to calm his nerves.

"He's hardly mine." John chuckled, not turning to look at Ringo but continuing his search "Might not even be working tonight."

"Don't you have like his schedule or something?" Ringo sipped his drink.

"That'd be making things a little too official. Not really my style." John sat back in his seat with a small huff, clearly he didn't find what he was looking for.

From where they were sitting they had a fairly obstructed view of the stage but from what little Ringo could gather he wasn't too interested: a muscular man dressed as a policeman was gradually getting undressed while making crude use of a prop baton.

"Any sign of your guy?" John shouted to be heard over the music and it made Ringo jump.

Ringo paused for a moment looking into John's eyes, he considered playing dumb but decided there was no use "Afraid not. Maybe he's not working tonight either."

"That'd be some rotten luck." John clicked his tongue in his mouth "Let's check the back."

"The back?" Ringo raised an eyebrow "That sounds unbelievably dodgy."

"It's not! Well..." John broke his sentence with a laugh "It's just where they do the more 'alternative' stuff, you know?"

"No I don't know, but I suppose I'm gonna find out." Ringo chuckled rather weakly.

John raised his glass in the air a little and Ringo clinked his own against it, they downed the remainder of their drinks and slammed the glasses down on the table unnecessarily hard. John then led them around the edge of the stage, they managed to get another drink at the second bar before they headed down a suspiciously narrow set of stairs which led to an even darker corridor. They then passed through a squeaky door into a small room, barely lit excluding a spotlight focused on a stage at the other end. There were several people scattered across the limited space, a few resting against a makeshift bar which consisted of planks of wood connected to the walls and the rest sat to face the stage.

And there he was. Spike was sat on a stool onstage with an acoustic guitar in his lap and absolutely nothing else. It wasn't a sight Ringo had been prepared for, as much as the erotic gyrating and tear-away clothing had been a shock to his system this was completely different.

Ringo stopped in his tracks when he computed the sight: his pale, lean body curled up around the guitar that he was playing beautifully. His hair wasn't coiffed this time, rather it fell down across his sharp face in waves with faint curls. John turned around when he'd noticed Ringo's absence beside him, a sly grin curled on his face as he grabbed Ringo's arm and pulled him down to the front where they sat.

"What did I tell you?" John whispered "Sexy art."

Spike didn't seem to notice them despite how close they were, he seemed completely immersed in the music he was playing. Ringo hadn't recognised the song at first, perhaps he'd been to busy focusing on other things, but now he could tell it was 'Heaven' by Talking Heads; he made a happy note in his mind that it seemed like the two of them had a somewhat similar music taste, although he couldn't really admit that such a thing shouldn't matter. Looking around at the other customers, it looked like they were mostly taking refuge from the chaos of the main room, many of them resting their heads against the bar for some comfort and the others bordering on unconscious.

Somehow this occasion made Ringo feel even more nervous, even though their previous encounter had been extremely closer and inherently sexual, it was more personal therefore way more uncomfortable. He could hear his voice now, another piece of the puzzle he was shamefully building in his mind, and it was beautiful. It was a little husky but still gentle, an accent poking through in places. Ringo could get a better look at his face now: the dark eyelashes, the hints of hair between his two eyebrows and sharp canine teeth protruding from his open mouth. His eyes focused on the slender fingers playing the guitar strings, veins showing underneath the skin. Ringo felt like he was watching something very private, as if Spike was completely unaware of everyone's presence and could see nothing but his guitar. A quick way to Ringo's heart was through music and it was looking like Spike had bought a first-class ticket.

Ringo hadn't even noticed that the song had ended at first, not until John began clapping and cheering loudly in his ear. Spike seemed similarly out of it, the sudden sound of John snapping his attention away from the music and he gave a small smile in response. They seemed like completely different people: the strutting, confident man from a week ago and the soft, vulnerable one in front of them now. Sparse claps followed shortly after John's, the lack of energy caused by alcohol wearing off was very evident.

"You're pretty good." John almost shouted, Ringo wasn't sure if it was because he was drunk or he still hadn't adjusted from the other room.

"Thanks." Spike replied, his fingers still wrapped around the neck of the guitar "Any requests?"

Ringo had thought his singing voice was beautiful, but the way he spoke somehow had even more of an effect on him. The accent was thicker now and judging by how such a small amount of words could excite him so much, Ringo knew he was in trouble.

"I dunno... What do you think Ringo?" John nudged his friend beside him, embarrassingly emphasising his name which just about managed to shake Ringo from the daze he was falling into.

"Oh, er-" Ringo stammered for a second, Spike looking right at him wasn't helping his nerves in the slightest "Know any Bob Dylan?"

Spike laughed at this and for a moment Ringo cursed himself but before he could chastise himself too harshly, Spike smiled again and spoke "He's one of my favourites."

John nudged Ringo again but he wasn't paying enough attention to him to get embarrassed. He was far too focused on how Spike's fingers began to play the guitar once more, the way his lips moved over his teeth and how his bare feet tapped against the footrest of the stool as he began singing 'Just Like a Woman'. Once again he seemed to disappear into the music which Ringo was very grateful for, for if his eyes began to wander and met his unfaltering gaze he was certain he wouldn't be able to take it. For the majority of the song Ringo had completely forgotten his surroundings, the faint pulse of the loud music from upstairs or the drooling men strewn about the room, he'd even forgotten that Spike was naked while he played. John seemed similarly impressed, although he was considerably more inebriated than Ringo was, and he could see John passing him a few sideways glances during the song.

When the song ended John enthusiastically applauded once more, Ringo followed suit with a slight delay as he found his mind shutting off everything around him. Spike looked down at the two of them with a smile, shuffled in the stool then stood up.

"Well that's all from me." He spoke "Thanks for listening." The words were directed purely at John and Ringo, while there were others who appeared to be barely listening in the back nobody else seemed to be paying much attention.

"Wait!" John called out, startling both Spike and Ringo "Are you done for the night?"

Spike chuckled softly "No, they're gonna close this room in a little bit though, so you might wanna clear out."

"Will you give my friend a private dance?" John asked and now it was Ringo's turn to nudge him.

"Not dressed like this I can't." Spike gestured with his free hand to his nakedness, his guitar was the only thing upholding his modesty.

Ringo was glaring at John now, who only gave him a quick glance before returning his attention back to Spike "How about we come find you upstairs in a few minutes?"

"Fine by me." Spike replied and turned his gaze to Ringo "But your friend doesn't seem too keen."

He didn't give either of them time to protest, which was probably for the best because Ringo was having trouble articulating any coherent thoughts, as he turned his back and walked off the stage. Ringo fought the urge to not look at his arse as he left, and failed entirely. John giggled at the sight which broke Ringo's absentmindedness. The nudge evolved into a harder shove which only intensified John's laughter.

"I hate you." Ringo hissed but he couldn't stop the laughter from breaking through.

"What did I do?" John held his hands up helplessly and Ringo gave him another shove which rocked the chair sideways.

A bouncer walked into the room at the moment, calling for everyone to head back upstairs; Ringo envied the unconscious drunkards that were unable to return to the main room. John's laughter didn't subside the entire time they made their way up the stairs, only being silenced when he took a sip of his newly ordered drink. The room had thinned out a little, Ringo supposed the closing of downstairs only signalled that most people were going to start heading home now, but there were clearly many people who were aiming to stay as long as they possibly could. They managed to get two seats at the bar which allowed Ringo to look amongst the crowd nervously for any sight of Spike.

"What are you so worried about?" John asked, leaning his elbow on the counter.

"Honestly I don't know." Ringo chuckled "It's a bit pathetic, huh?"

"You said it, not me." John grinned "No, no it's just strange. I know you're not the world's biggest slut but you're no prude either."

"I don't think it's a prude thing." Ringo suggested.

"Then what?" John pried, he ran his finger around the rim of his glass.

"It's just him." Ringo lowered his voice a little.

"Well shit. Ringo's in love with a stripper." John matched Ringo's volume but enunciated the words enough that he may as well have been shouting.

"Shut up." Ringo shook his head "You're one to talk."

"Don't bring Paulie into this, that's a strictly professional relationship." John pointed his finger in Ringo's face which made him laugh. "This isn't about me anyway, it's about you. I'm not leaving here until you get that dance."

"You might be waiting a while then." Ringo said a little sadly.

"Nope, I refuse. You'll thank me later, I swear to it." John had moved his hand to Ringo's shoulder now.

"I'm just scared." Ringo mumbled.

"Of what? Ringo, these people have put up with the weirdest, creepiest fucks you can imagine. He'll probably be over the moon that you don't look like you belong on a register." John shook Ringo lightly, forcing him to look up at him.

Ringo let out a huff "Fine, if it'll shut you up."

"Sure if that's the line you wanna go with." John chuckled "You want it Ringo, stop denying yourself the pleasure. Be more like me."

"I dunno if I wanna take it that far." Ringo looked out amongst the room again and caught sight of a familiar face.

John followed Ringo's line of sight and beamed when he spotted Spike "Come on then, time to pop your cherry."

"Please don't put it like that." Ringo rolled his eyes as John pulled him up from his seat.

It wasn't really nervousness he was feeling, it was difficult to pinpoint exactly what it was. Ringo knew that he if he didn't want to this then he didn't have to, it would've been as simple as that, but he did want to. It was probably exactly how much he wanted it that scared him. Like the feeling that happens right before getting up on stage or before revealing good news to a loved one: excitement so intense it can turn into sickness. And Ringo was excited; he was very, very excited.

[neeksknocks]

All of the songs

stephanie......stephanie that’s so many.....but challenge accepted (thank u queen)

1. A song that reminds you of your childhood

crawling by linkin park No I Don’t Wanna Talk About It i was edgy at 8 years old

2. A song to sleep to

where do i go from here by a year on earth ... so calming

3. A song that your best friend loves

.........my axe by insane clown posse. yes reagan is a juggalo no i don’t wanna talk about it

4. A song that hypes you the fuck up

tantrum by ashnikko ... very big “aren’t you tired of being nice? don’t you just want to go apeshit?” vibes

5. A song you like to daydream to

maker (acoustic) by anjimile it literally takes me to another planet

6. A song that’s on at least 3 of your playlists

cop car by mitski ..... what can i say ... i get mean when i’m nervous (like a bad dog)

7. A song that you love from a genre you don’t usually like

this is super tough because i pretty much like every genre to some degree, but i’m usually not crazy about funk so i had to listen to a couple of ones to get this but it’s your thing by the isley brothers actually slaps a little ngl

8. A song that you liked when you where 10 that still slaps

literally fucking anything from three days grace’s first three albums but ESPECIALLY time of dying 

9. A song that makes you want to go on an adventure

strange town by ok otter like yes i want to discover the unknown and disappear mysteriously 

10. A song you’d want to dance with your partner to ( or future partner )

honeybee by steam powered giraffe (rose if ur reading this im coming for u post quarantine)

11. A song to stomp around and pout to

anything like me by poppy ... the vibes are immaculate 

12. A song to listen to whilst you lie in a meadow

still feel it all by maro it gives me. every emotions

13. A song that reflects your views on love

i wouldn’t ask you by clairo ..... yes im quirky yes i’m damaged yes i associate this song with naruto and sasuke what about it 

14. A song to sing to the sun

photos from when we were young by nana grizol ... not for any particular reason it just fits in my brain

15. A song you like that sounds like its on the soundtrack to an indie coming of age film

i literally have a whole PLAYLIST of these songs but joyride by adam melchor

16. A song that you like that romanticises being a teenager

high dive by andrew mcmahon in the wilderness!

17. A song that makes you want to grab your friends jump up and down dancing and screaming the lyrics

dear future self (hands up) by fall out boy YES I KNOW but when i first hear this song i went into a fugue state and listened on loop for 6 hours and i have not listened to it since

18. A song that you like that the lyrics are just so beautiful they’re practically poetry

the predatory wasp of the palisades is out to get us! by sufjan stevens LISTEN i am GAY and i READ THE GOLDFINCH i don’t choose to bear cross it chose me

19. A song that you can imagine listening to in an abandoned church ( if it isn’t hozier im judging you, but whatever )

in the woods somewhere by hozier when i commit crimes i think about this song 

20. A song from the soundtrack of a film that you like so much after the film finished you immediately looked for it

literally any song from the turning (because the soundtrack was the only good part of the movie askfjklgjs) but especially feed by soccer mommy

22. A song for when the sun has gone down and you are feeling absolutely buck-wild with exhilaration!

cat’s eyes and rosebuds by so much light .... bro just the vibes its a lil freaky ya feel

22. A song that makes you feel like you’re strolling through Ancient Greece living your best life

brutus by the buttress (somewhat in name only but also because that song makes me as well want to stab caesar) 

23. A song that when you listen to it you’re transported to a liminal space, time is pointless and you must sit and wallow in the void that remains

over and over by chris garneau . i am guaranteed to start crying if i think about this song too much after it comes on shuffle

24. A song to listen to on a long drive when you have the really strong urge to keep driving until you find somewhere to start a new life (preferably a europian city whose language you don’t speak)

the bug collector by haley heynderickx 

[traitorinthemidst]

The Fragrance of Familiarity

Losing most of the control in his balance, Edmund’s body lurched forward before cascading downward the instant after Caspian cupped his hand around his neck and tugged him toward his lips. He couldn't resist the pull of the situation or the definite pull of gravity. The slight loss of control was rather enthralling. It spoke of the power and potential Caspian’s body held in pleasuring him. Edmund’s stomach twisted into a knot, the feeling exciting him further despite it being the same response his edgy body felt before a battle or a debut or a debate. It was a sign of risk, the unknown, but Edmund had learned to embrace the tethering of his body and mind, knowing that the payoff of embracing whatever happened from this point on could only end with his personal gain or loss and no one else was else at stake. 

When Caspian pulled their lips to meet, it forced another part of their bodies together, their center of gravity. In doing so, this created a sensation that was nothing short of euphoric. The closeness more intense and warm than a brotherly hug Edmund that was had been used to receiving from Caspian. This touch, this pressure, had intent and permanence behind it. Edmund didn’t hold back from letting the fullness of his weight settle upon his friend; in fact, he leaned into it, enjoying the warmed and pressure. It felt so damned good. His arms moved from under him and crept up, skimming over both the cool of the silken fabric of the bedclothes and the warmth of the sides of Caspian’s clothed torso. His fingers glided over the hills and valleys of the other man’s muscles that were defined even from through the looseness of the fabric. Edmund counted how many times his fingertips dipped and rose; it helped to measure his breath a little and slow his pace down, though unbeknownst to him. The faint fragrance of the older man, the heat of flesh against flesh, the moisture of lip upon lip, hot and heavy, passionate breathes... It was so satisfying to his senses. Edmund opened his mouth, wanting to deepen this experience and softly nibbled on Caspian’s bottom lip for a moment, trying to prompt himself to keep things measured, to draw out the experience so Caspian could get a taste of the whole affair. He knew how short Caspian’s climax would be when they got to that point. And yet, this wasn’t going to be enough for him, he decided.

“mmmm...”

The sound of sweet, innocent desperation in Caspian’s words had sent the King of Old into a passion, Edmund had wanted to reply with something clever and spirited, but he much preferred having his friend’s mouth covered over his than speaking right now. Still, Edmund needed to keep the momentum of this play going. This was a delicate play of teasing Caspian into wanting to go through with losing his innocence and keeping him desperate enough to throw it away recklessly without thinking too much of what he was doing until things were done and over with. If there was one thing that Edmund preferred in sleeping with men, it was that virginity and purity weren’t seen as so alluring or sweet as it was seen for females. Double standards, that was a social construct that men had created based on the Virgin Mary no doubt, Edmund had imagined as he rolled his eyes while half-listening in his year 12 religion class. Experience and experimentation lead to knowing more of self, at least for Edmund it had. Yet, he applauded anyone who decided to stay pure and whole for whomever they planned on being committed to for their forevers. Edmund knew he couldn’t enjoy that sort of committed relationship without first knowing the love of many. His whole being craved affection and the adventure it took to get there. Some would call that a player in his world, but in Narnia, that was just free and open love.

Having the consent he wanted, Edmund began to turn his attention to further undressing Caspian. Nimble fingers moved back to the ties of Caspian’s shirt. That was coming off. The brunet curled his fingers under the hem of the nightshirt and pulled it up and over Caspian’s torso and head unceremoniously. The woven fabric, soften from a mix of heat and sweat, felt limp in his hands in comparison to the subtle shudders of pleasure and surprise of Caspian’s body as Edmund awaken it with sensuality. The fabric, that Edmund had wanted to wear so desperately only a few hours ago, now only held an essence of the current King of Narnia. Edmund wanted the fullness of the essence, and he would have it. Keeping his reddened lips locked with Caspian’s ones, Edmund stretched his arm away from his body. Without wasting a second longer on the shirt, he relinquished his grasp and let it fell soundlessly to the floor. Now, the King of Old could finally get an eyeful of what he’d only been able to glance on in secret to himself. For the entire year, he’d shared quarters in the stern of the Dawn Treader with Caspian, Edmund had stolen glances and glimpses of the fine physique of the Sailor King. Each time yearning to let his fingertips follow the lines of both muscle and scars there, delighting in how both added character and charm to the older man. But he quickly turned away or lowered his gaze when Caspian would smilingly call him friend or talk of his distaste of the princess suitors his advisors tried to match him with or question him of what things were like in his world. If Caspian only knew how dull and very ordinarily he had to live his life... England didn’t have talking Lions or unicorns and children certainly couldn’t set sail on uncharted sea towards the End of the World. There had been one night, after the Sea Monster battle that had allowed Edmund to foretaste in his longings, but both boys had been bruised and battered in the battle and even Edmund’s desires were lack lustered. Caspian had been asleep in his hammock, while Edmund lay in his hammock awake from the adrenaline of the fight and a desire like he normally held after a great battle. A lantern in the middle of the makeshift room remained lit; both Kings had been too tired and in pain (though unwilling to admit the severity of either thing) to get up to blow it out. So it remained alight, and Edmund’s eyes had adjusted to the soft glow. The sea was calm, despite the damage sustained to the ship the Dawn Treader glided on in the moonlight. The sounds of his movements as he got out of his own hammock and paced across the floor to where Caspian slept had been disguised by the creaking of the boat rocking in the sea. In his sleep, Caspian had tossed his blanket off, Edmund had watched it fell to the ground. Caspian's nightshirt was gathered in a wrinkles mass on his torso, revealing some of the bruises that had already begun to form and cuts that were too minor to bandage that had clotted over nicely. Stooping, Edmund picked up the blanket. The fabric of the blanket was meant for a king, but not nearly as elaborate as the blanket Caspian had bequeathed to Edmund when the two had strung up their hammocks in their makeshift room. The younger boy pulled down Caspian’s shirt, with his thumb and forefinger, while he let his other fingers ghost softly over Caspian’s skin before he spread the blanket over his exhausted friend. Edmund’s body ached, in more than one way. He was uncomfortably reminded of the first days of his meeting Caspian with his siblings. That had been an awkward time for Edmund. He was dealing with the uncomfortable reawakening of his body and needless to say, Caspian made it very hard for him to sleep at night, to think of their mission during the day, and to enjoy the merriment and indulgences during the celebratory party in fear he might overindulge in too much drink and declare too much.

Releasing his claim over Caspain’s mouth, Edmund took a quick moment to take in what he could of the physique of the man beneath him. In the low light, Edmund could make out the glisten of sweat most likely from his earlier bout of illness that had passed and the warmth both of them were entangled in. Each muscle was as well defined as what his mind had imagined when he’d felt the ridges through the fabric. Now that his hand was freed of the shirt, Edmund’s hand shifted to run through Caspian’s hair. His finger ran through the brown locks, twisting his index finger before he tugged at the locks gently at first. Edmund never played gently for long though. And soon it was back to ravishing Caspian’s lips and mouth. His hand stayed in Caspian’s hair, tugging at the locks while his mouth made a play of war with their mouths. 

Things were heating up rather quickly. It was then that Edmund mind was catching up with his body. Much to his indignity, he realized that his hips were moving and grinding into Caspian’s to their own rhythm. There was no doubt about it Edmund had quite a hard-on. His hand and body had finally had enough waiting. 

“Fuck, I’m sorry, Cas.” Fumbling and shifting, Edmund shifted up and away from Caspian to rid himself of his trousers and pants. “I can’t—these are all... just—too much. They’re in the way. I need to, I want to feel you. Shit.” 

Removing his clothing had been a lot easier thanks to his being on top and in control of his movements. Edmund stripped off his top as quickly as he had with Caspian’s earlier. The cold air greeted his hot skin as a rush of relief and a bit of a disappointment. But when he shifted and moved his hips off of Caspian’s to remove his clothing, his whole body felt a sudden jolt of disappointment and irritation. Was he moving along too quickly? Would this sudden outburst make Caspian more hesitant?

@hearkenedsouls

[taz-writes]

I was scrolling through your blog and saw something about a mermaid incident in class... date I ask for the story behind that?

I will absolutely tell you the story behind that, because it is equal parts baffling and hilarious, even now an entire year later. 

It begins… with my creative writing minor. Last fall I took a class called Survey of Forms: Fiction, which was an introduction to the canon of literary fiction, as well as literary fiction writing and basic style skills like characterization, narrative voice, dialogue, et cetera. Sounds pretty typical, right? Well, my professor was a fun guy, and one of our assignments around the middle of the semester was to write a rant. What sort of rant, you may ask? Literally anything. It was an exercise in narrative voice, he wanted 2-4 pages of a first-person tirade on something that you had strong opinions about, to be read out loud in class the next week. We had the option to write as a character from our short story WIPs or to write as ourselves. 

I chose to write my rant about a subject very near and dear to my heart: mermaids. Specifically, how much I fucking hated them as a child.

A bit of backstory, so you can understand why this got me so incredibly riled: I’m all about fairies. I was the fairy kid. I literally thought I was a fairy princess from outer space until I was, like, 11 or 12 years old. I wanted to have cool magic powers and sparkly wings and all that good stuff! I wanted to fly! I wanted to live in the forest and grant wishes! But like, mermaids are and have always been way more popular. If you’re a little girl who loves mermaids, your options are everywhere. You’ve got mermaid TV shows! Mermaid movies! Mermaid book series! Mermaid-themed makeup, mermaid-themed clothing, mermaid-themed Halloween costumes and lunch boxes and merchandise, mermaid stuff is everywhere. If you’re a little girl who loves fairies… you get, uh, Winx Club? Barbie Fairytopia? And maybe some Disney stuff if you squint. This was before even those Tinkerbell movies went mainstream, and if you were (like me) the sort of tomboy to frown at pink ruffly stuff, then you had absolutely NOTHING. 

And for bonus points, every single one of those fairy things I mentioned? Yeah they have mermaids in them. And the mermaids got overmerchandised, while the fairy MAIN CHARACTERS were neglected. Winx Club has a whole mermaid season, Barbie Fairytopia has mermaids and got a freaking mermaid-based sequel and never did justice to the actual fairy protagonists until long after I’d outgrown Barbie media. So like, I’m salty. I literally started writing Feilan because I was tired of every story with fairies being either immature Disney shit for 5-year-olds or edgy grimdark YA novels with too much kissing and inappropriate language for baby 12/13-year-old Taz’s tastes. I wanted something in between–fairies who weren’t stupid little glittery farts, but who didn’t spend all their time being ~evil and sexy~ or whatever either. If you like mermaid stuff, you can find a zillion different interpretations of merfolk lore, but despite the vast breadth of fae lore the fiction inspired by it only has two real subgenres. Fairies just aren’t as popular. I think they’re coming back a little bit because of SJM and Holly Black, but I HATE SJM’s fae and Holly Black’s are unbearably edgy, so that’s not really a good thing? 

On top of this, I am the type of person who clings very tightly and personally to minor things that aggravate me. I’m not sure why, and I wish that wasn’t the case, but at this point I’ve accepted it as part of my personality. It’s very rare that I find something I’m quite so passionately mad about, but when I latch onto a pet peeve I take it seriously. You can’t argue with me about the meaningless petty grudges, those are my lifeblood, and the mermaid thing is one of the oldest pet peeves I have. 

Back to the topic! The rant I wrote for Survey of Forms was the above tirade, expanded over several pages with sources cited. I was pretty proud of it! I came up with some really brutal turns of phrase, I thought my ~authorial voice~ was top of the line, it was a good rant. Time rolled around for us to share our rants with the class, and I gave a fabulous dramatic reading. My comedic timing is one of my strengths as an actress. 

Everything went as normal for the next few rants… and then, one of my quieter classmates began to read his rant. It sounded fine for the first few sentences, a discussion of traditional elements and their thematic associations okay whatever… but it became increasingly obvious, as he went on, that this wasn’t what he’d written. No, he was improvising a speech on the spot, because he was SO upset that I didn’t like mermaids that he had to tell me exactly how and why I was wrong about my entire worldview. 

In public. In front of our ENTIRE CLASS. 

He explained how mermaids belong to elemental water, and they’re valuable to modern society. See, water is the element of empathy and compassion, and those things are so rare in modern American society! It was almost a year after the 2016 elections, and our politics were so vicious and divisive, and the influence of water’s empathy was dwindling and he could see it burning through society! An over-emphasis on elemental air and its transience was leading to the rise of fake news and misinformation and alternative facts, elemental fire led to rage and passion and an inability to think logically, and we needed water to balance everything! So in fact, we need more mermaid stories! Because mermaid stories teach us to feel empathy! And the lack of water’s empathy, this growing hatred of mermaids (and by extension anything water-based)–that was the reason America was falling apart! That’s why Trump was elected! Because… uh, because I don’t like mermaids? 

Yeah, this guy basically implied that I was the reason Trump became president and the media devolved into vitriolic chaos. Because I don’t like mermaids. 

I couldn’t make this shit up on my own if I tried. 

I was absolutely livid, a friend of mine in the same class told me I turned redder than my scarlet school hoodie. I’ve never had the best anger management skills, I was literally shaking in my seat, I was inches away from flipping the table I sat at. I probably would’ve done it, too, if my classmate hadn’t put her boiling hot cup of soup down on it without the lid on. One of the lovely side effects of my ADHD is that sometimes when I get upset, my brain gets so hyperfocused on that one emotion that I’m physically incapable of feeling anything else or even thinking straight, and I can’t snap myself out. Those rages are terrifying. This was one of the worst rages I’ve ever experienced in my life, and I thanked my lucky stars later that I didn’t hurt somebody. I did get to scream at the guy for a couple minutes, but I don’t remember what I actually said. It involved a few physical threats and a lot of being embarrassed in front of my peers. 

Anyways, the professor didn’t even stop this guy, because–like everyone else–he didn’t realize what was going on until it was too late. And once he realized, I guess he froze up or something? I don’t know. I lost my fucking mind about this, I went into my next class and screamed for like fifteen minutes. My poor Music History teacher was so confused. 

The Survey professor emailed me and asked me to stop by his office later, and I thought I was going to get lectured for throwing a fit in class. I used to throw a lot of tantrums in grade school and even when I grew out of that, I was always the person blamed when an argument or fight broke out with me involved, so I had some muscle memory… the professor actually wound up apologizing. He told me he just didn’t know what to do in the moment, and he was really nice about it, and by then I’d calmed down enough that I wasn’t literally frothing with rage. It was very very surreal. I felt quite validated. 

Mermaid guy wound up writing me a length apology email. I’m pretty sure the professor put him up to it. He went on to explain that he was from Singapore and he was raised right by the water and so it was really important to him, his culture has some kind of mermaid thing that he’s emotionally attached to, et cetera… He seemed very sincere about it, so I accepted the apology, but I still have no freaking clue what possessed him to derail the entire class in order to argue over my goofy childhood grudge. It’s hilarious in retrospect, I just can’t even begin to understand the logic. I still have that email saved because it was so mind-blowingly absurd. 

So yeah, that’s the Mermaid Incident. I wish I could say it went down in university history but I’m not sure if anyone remembered it longer than a week or so after it happened. Nobody ever mentioned it again. 

And despite said classmate’s best efforts, I still have a grudge against mermaids. They’re very nice in their own dedicated media, but if I see them popping up like plot cancer in stories you told me were about fey? I will come for you. 

[nellygwyn]

I wanted to share some of the novel I am working on. This particular extract isn't perfect, neither is the rest of it that I've written, since it is a first draft and I'm still getting through it. But I'm very pleased with the general gist of it and I know some of my followers will appreciate it, for its content, historical flare and plot.

For context, so you understand this snippet better: My story is set in the mid 1780s (I really feel confident trying to relay the political background in this era over any other 18th century decade, which would be helpful for my story's context) and my protag is a fairly elite (more bourgeois than high class) prostitute called Kezia Spooner. She's been living in a fancy brothel in Soho, under the employ of a madam known as Abbess Weston, and since the brothel is frequented by the aristocracy, foreign diplomats and other men of influence and wealth, Kezia and the other girls have been somewhat educated in typical female accomplishments and imbued with feminine intellect. Kezia wasn't always in the fortunate position she was, however: she and her elder sister, Sarah, after being abandoned near St . Giles-in-the-Fields as children, lived and worked on the streets, in filthy squats and slums etc. for a few years before they came to Abbess Weston's attention. Sarah left the brothel two years prior to my story beginning, having never been as content with the harlot's life as Kezia was and defiantly declaring that she was going to carve a real legacy out for herself, and hasn't been seen or heard from since. 

Kezia has recently found herself under a new keeper, Peregrine Cox, Lord Cox, who isn't particularly handsome but has a certain magnetic quality to him, as well as a fortune. He moves her into a glorious London townhouse in St. James' but he is secretive and edgy from the off, making it clear to Kezia that there are certain parts of the house she is strictly forbidden from going anywhere near. Immediately prior to the following scene, Kezia and Lord Cox have had sex and now, Lord Cox insists on reading from a book of Alexander Pope's poetry to her. Kezia is tired, though, and finds herself, as she begins to drift off, unnerved by the day's events, unexplained sounds & movement in the house, and the general atmosphere of her surroundings.

Lord Cox began to read Pope, aloud, as Kezia, curled up amongst the disshevelled sheets beside him, began to slip into that strange realm between waking and dreaming. The whole room, which had seemed so grand before, began to fade under her tired eyes, eyes that longed for sleep. The false gold that gilded every surface blurred into streams of the stuff and the flickering shadow of the candle on the ceiling moved like the spectre of a dancing bear. The sound of Cox's plummy, theatrical reading voice muffled in the dreamy haze, joining the distant racket of the street. A cat yowled. Drunkards jeered. A link-boy bellowed in an adolescent squeak about his prices and his routes.

Cox was a grand and good keeper, of that she was sure. Kezia had made a wise, a sensible choice, in accepting him. His tastes in bed were not perverse or unusual. He had wit, charm, and the good sense to utilise them. He certainly wasn't affable but she had never really had occasion to call him cruel or impolite. He seemed to be very much like other swells that had bedded her; he simply had the fortune and resources to act more thoroughly on his impulses. He was on the up, too, with his burgeoning political career and expanding circle of influential friends. And he did profess to like Kezia, adore her even, in his own fashion. The arrangement she was in was not one any whore in her right mind would turn her nose up at. Kezia had no right to complain. There was no sense in it. Truthfully, observant readers, would you complain if you were her?

And yet, even as Kezia lay poised to fall deep into a dream, there was a startlingly lucid sense that something was not quite right. Perhaps it was the ghostly shadows brought to form by the candlelight that had unhinged her but...no, there was a sense of absolute reality in this worry. Something had seemed off from the moment she had seen Lord Cox whispering to his manservant. No, before that even: she'd had the feeling of uneasiness when, in the carriage here, he had so purposefully told her that there were several rooms of the house that she was forbidden to enter. In any other situation, Kezia would've respected a Lord's right to command as he wished in his own home but there was something in his voice, and in the absent-minded but furious picking of his nails, that told her this was more than just a man guarding his space. This was more important, much deeper, than that. There was a lie in all this somewhere. She was reminded of a folktale, probably relayed to her and Sarah by one of the many beggar women they had bedded down with in the old days, about a young girl, seduced and duped by a monstrous fiend, who kept her captive in his sinister castle. The fiend called himself a King but he was far from it, for he ate the hearts of girls for sport and fed their bones to his hounds.

"Aren't you listening?" Lord Cox brought her firmly back from fancy and superstition and it jolted her wide awake.

"Not particularly" (Here, for the reader's particular reference, she affected a voice of elegant disinterest, that voice which teased all men with the prospect that a woman had other things on her mind). "Methink Pope rather dull, my Lord"

Cox pulled a contorted face of disbelief, like a schoolboy caught frigging by his fellows, and huffed like a brat too.

"I wouldn't expect a woman such as you are to have much true liking for literature, to be sure." He slammed the little volume shut. The sound echoed, but Kezia could still later swear she heard a girlish sneeze in the rooms above them, which at any other time, would've turned her skin to gooseflesh, since she knew she was the only woman in the house and the male servants were floors below, but for now, Kezia was piqued. Tom-cat behaviour in Cox wasn't rare but censuring her person....now, this was new. And, more importantly, it was unwelcome.

"Lud, my Lord, a woman such as I? Whatever does that mean? In your own words, I am a girl of extraordinary intelligence. A schooled mistress for a schooled master, were not those your words? And yet, suddenly, now I exhibit a dislike for something you enjoy, I am a dim-witted gutter strumpet! You say you despise the Ton and their ways and yet you take on their irritating insincerity to the life!"

During her retort, Kezia had watched Cox flare and bulge a little, like a bull to a red rag, but she decided to, so as to avoid a spar, end her rant with a small smile and a sweet giggle, as if to say 'I'm only playing at bad behaviour,' and he softened.

"I apologise, dearest lovey. Profusely so. I suppose I am quite tired. You know, Sheridan's speech in the Commons was far, far too long. I'll see him hanged if he puts me through such a bore again." He glanced at the glittering clock on the fireplace, seemingly checking to make sure it was late enough to justify going to bed, though Kezia was sure her own droopy-lidded exhaustion was proof enough of that.

"Oh, don't talk politics after we've fucked. It distresses me so. You know it does!" Kezia teased.

It was funny Cox had mentioned Richard Sheridan, for now Kezia was playing out her own play, throwing aside her uneasiness about Cox's earlier whisperings and commands, and her vexation at his belittlement of her, in order to do what she did best: give pleasure. She leaned into his boney, bare shoulders, blanketing them with her curls. She drew up so close to him that she could smell the snuff in his atmosphere. It was the gesture of a lover, and she must've played it out well, for Cox, in turn, balanced his sharp chin on her head and began to softly caress her. No doubt this is where our readers tutors or salonierre will pause to reflect on how life often imitates art.

"That's my pretty miss. Do you love me very well?" Lord Cox breathed out, between his gentle twisting of Kezia's strands of hair.

"I love you beyond all expression" she lied.

"Do you worship me?"

"As you worship me, sir"

Kezia felt him smile. They lay for a little while in silence, he toying with her and she willing sleep to take her and stop her stomach lurching with unidentified dread. How uncomfortable she was.

"Tomorrow, circumstances dictate you spend the afternoon out of the house" Cox said suddenly. His voice, jarringly unfeeling, almost rehearsed, was the same as it had been in the carriage. Kezia dared not argue, even though she desperately wanted to ask why.

"Yes, sir" she echoed.

"I'll have Mccarthy bring the carriage around for you at 12 and you are at liberty to go wherever you please. Put anything you like on my credit, I shan't mind. Only the best for my Kez."

"And what time am I expected back, sir?"

"6 o'clock will do, though not a moment before, you understand?"

"I understand." But she did not. Not one bit.

After a short while, Cox snuffed out the candle and he fell asleep in quick time: Kezia felt his breathing steady. She, however, lay in the pitch black, tired beyond belief but unable to rest. Even the realm between waking and dreaming would be preferable. Her ears pricked at every outside noise. The walls, which she could no longer see properly, bore down on her. Most disturbing of all, there was creaking on the ceiling above, the sure signs of someone, or something, inhabiting upstairs. It was unnerving and inexplicable. In her uncontrollable state of fear, she leaned her face into Lord Cox's body, finding safety in the warmth. This vexed her greatly as she was unable to fathom why she, who had once lived unprotected on the streets of the Great Metropolis and encountered real scoundrels on a daily and nightly basis, was suddenly so fearful of the dark and of nonsense noises. Despairing at herself for her cowardice and her reliance on a man who sent ice up her spine, Kezia somehow managed to lull herself into an uninterrupted sleep.

[flowercrownoreo]

Okay so that last reblog has inspired me to make a list of my top 15 Taylor Swift songs and why because I don’t think I’ve ever made one. These aren’t in any particular order (for now) because that would be way too difficult. It’s under read more because I’m prone to rambling so this post might get a little lengthy.

1. Enchanted

Okay, so this song is like, magical to me. The whole album is but this particular song has me imagining all kinds of scenarios and it’s hard to pinpoint why I love it so much but I feel happy and warm when I hear it. Reminds me of sitting up late at night, listening to this song on repeat thinking about enchanted worlds and magical stories. There’s also a story attached to this... this song became especially important to me after I got to hear it at my first Taylor Swift concert back in 2015 (The 1989 World Tour) :3

2. Long Live

I love this song with all my heart! It never fails to make me cry either. I had a really difficult final year at university last year, and when I finally finished my dissertation, and got my results that confirmed whether or not I’d graduate, I thought of graduation, and I thought of this song. How I wanted that to be a moment I cherish for the rest of my life. I remember waiting for the Reputation Stadium Tour setlist to be announced and being all like “omg I hope Long Live’s on it” because that would have been perfect (the concert was in June, the same month I was graduating) and of course... it got announced and I cried with happiness. No joke, when I heard Taylor sing it live I was blubbering like crazy I was an absolute mess. Two weeks later at graduation and I listened to it in the morning before I got ready.

3. Love Story

It wasn’t the very first Taylor Swift song I heard (it was White Horse) but I remember it being the first one I fell in love with. I have a lot of fond memories attached to this song, listening to it all the time when I was like, 13, and watching the music video and loving the aesthetic. I love being swept up in the story of the song and the whole Romeo and Juliet aspect.

4. I Knew You Were Trouble

I remember the very first time I heard this, and how everyone was going wild because it was a totally different style for Taylor (at the time) and I loved it! I have very specific memories of 16 year old me listening to it on repeat on Youtube waiting for the album to be released. At the time I had a story planned out that I’m still trying to write and it somehow fit two of my OCs really well so I loved the song for that reason too. It sounds great as an acoustic song and AMAZING as a rock song. I would love to hear a studio version of the 1989 World Tour rendition because omg. That performance alone is why I want her to do a rock album.

5. New Year’s Day

Another song that pulls at my heart strings and makes me cry. It’s so soft and gentle and I love the lyrics. The idea of being there with someone through everything, the good and bad. I particularly love the line “hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you”. I really feel that deep in my heart.

6. Begin Again

This song is so pretty, and I really love the message of hope it conveys. That there will always be another chance, another opportunity. The road to recovery, to moving on from whatever experience it was might not always be easy, but it’s there and a brighter tomorrow does exist.

7. A Place In This World

This song is like a reminder that it’s okay to have those days sometimes where you feel a little lost. Sometimes life isn’t always sunshine and rainbows but it’s okay because you’ll get through it. I remember feeling really down one night a few years ago, and my friend that got me into Taylor Swift messaged me with a link to this song and I listened to it and it was reassuring.

8. Tell Me Why

I like this song mainly because of the fact I kind of relate to the lyrics and the frustration. I’ve been in similar situations, and sometimes you don’t know if they’re aware of how they’re making you feel but deep down what you do know is that they have no right to make you feel small and that they don’t get to control how you feel.

9. Out Of The Woods

There isn’t really a particular reason why I love this; I just really like it! I think this was the very first song I heard from 1989 and I immediately fell in love because aaaa! I love the whole 80s vibe I got from it.

10. I Did Something Bad

I am obsessed with this song! I love the badness, the “I don’t give a fuck” vibe. It’s such a bop! I really wish this had a music video because could you imagine?? Also, the live version of this is incredible!!

11. Last Kiss

This song is so sad, especially when you think of the 27 second opening and the significance of that. You can really feel the sadness and how much she misses him. Some of the lyrics in this are really heartbreaking, and then you get to the part of the song where it sounds like she’s trying not to cry and it hits you in the feels.

12. Sparks Fly

I love this so much, mainly because the imagery in it is so powerful and my imagination runs wild listening to this (as it does with most Speak Now songs) I really love the line “I’m captivated by you baby like a fireworks show” and “The way you move is like a full on rainstorm”

13. Look What You Made Me Do

A lot of fans seem to have mixed opinions on this song but I really really like it. I love how different it is and I love the dark, edgy vibe it has. It perfectly captures that feeling of “I didn’t actually do anything wrong but if I’m going to be the villain in this narrative well then fuck it I’m doing it in style!” She takes complete ownership of all the bad things people ever said about her. Also, the music video for this is awesome!

14. The Best Day

This is one of the cutest songs ever! I love how pretty it is musically, and I love how sweet the lyrics are. It makes me think of my own family and how much I love them.

15. Style

This song has such a serious aesthetic. Like, I can perfectly visualise everything in this like it’s a story and a work of art. I love it!

[kellodrawsalot]

Top five worst Sonic Archie issues

So a while back me and @greenyvertekins​ talked a bit about our favorite Sonic Archie moments, I was thinking of doing a TOp five/top ten favorite Sonic archie issues but honestly the moments I and Greenyvertekis mentioned were pretty much my favorite/best issues. So if you want to read here! most of them are also from the best written arcs so .....

Then I thought, wouldn’t it be fun to do a top five WORST Sonic arche issues instead? :) (warning Im from the Netherlands so my English is bad, feel free to spell correct me!)

Number 05 Issue 172

Going pretty low in the list because despite this being one of  my least favorite issues it should be noted that this was the start from the comic getting better and better at this point, this ugly-face just was the blacksheep from that collection.

Not only was the cover a bad reminder that the comic was seen as bad-furry-romance-drama which I really hoped the comic wanted to distant itself from it, the entire issue is a sadlyalso  bad-furry-drama. It starts off with Amy Rose confronting Fiona Fox about the rumors that she heard from Tails that she is cheating on Sonic with Scourge, (the Green Edgy Sonic recolor) Now the story of Fiona Fox is a pretty sad one, she never had much of a character to begin with. She was first introduced as a robot in her child form to lure Tails into a trap. It turns out that Eggman based her off a real person: Fiona Fox who someway or another was left behind by Mighty and Sonic in Eggman’s prison and she manage to escape but stil holding a grudge and got angry at them for it, That is mostly what I remember her from in the past issues. From then on she would just be background character number 55 a freedom fighter with no dialog, the only times I sort of remember her was that she liked the idea of using guns, and that Sonic was afraid for Tails to be rejected by the too-old-for-you girl Fiona.Sonic wanted to talk to FIona about this issue and she mentions she still thinks SOnic is selfish for leaving her behind but that his sacrifice in issue 125 made her change her mind somewhat, That’s it. Now the weird story behind Fiona is that Karl Boilers planned to use her as a second-love interest for Sonic after Sonic broke up with Sally. Sonic was supposed to enter a relationship with Amy Rose shortly after the Sonic/Sally break up. (Keep in ind that Amy Rose back then was still 10 years old mentally at that time YIKES.) and Fiona for whatever reason was to become a rival to Amy for Sonic’s affections. Now Ken Penders apparently interfered with this idea and Karl and Ken changed it into...Fiona Fox becoming Sonic’s girlfriend instead...out of the blue....out of nowhere. At least with Amy you knew she had a crush on Sonic but with Fiona? why would Sonic ever enter a relationship with a girl he hardly interacted with and with a girl his best friend was crushing on? ..moving on various issues later and writer Karl Boilers and Ken Penders were no longer on board and new writer Ian Flyn entered into the picture it was by then far too late to clean up this mess and I could tell from the comic’s writing that Ian wasn’t sure what to do with Fiona, he tried to give her a more Sally-personality with a bad history but that felt tripped and forced. He knew he had to break the two characters off and he thought the best way to do that was to reveal that Fiona Fox became a bad-girl who fell in love with Scourge due to the events off Sonic 150 (dont worry that issue will be brought up later)

Not only did this came out of no where, it felt forced even if Fiona had no character it felt like she really was just a pawn of a writer not sure what to do with her. It also didnt help that the issue ends in a weird anticlimatic way  and in the next issue most of the characters dont even talk or seem to be phazed with Fiona’s betrayel and  Sonic would be slightly flirtatious with Sally and Amy in the next issue too, (Really Sonic you just got dumped.) The issues saving grace is a cute side story with Amy Rose and Julie Su training together and some decent/good art overall.

Number 04 Knuckles the Echidna issue 32

Yes Knuckles does count as part of the Sonic series, and if the list would be Knuckles comic focused this would have been number one. Not only was this the last issue of probably the most boring arc I ever read It also nailed the coffin on the Knuckles series as it was canned after this issue. It introduced two very uncreative very Un-SegaSonic like characters: Monk and Hunter whose design and motivations are as generic as you can imagine. Ken Penders tries to make you feel for the Monk-character but I dont think anyone was convinced. I own this issue as well and HONESTLY I forgot I even read this issue as a child it was that forgettable, even in my Knucklesfangirl phase as soon as I finished reading the last 3 issues I forgot about it, It also doesnt help that the covers while nicely drawn by Galan were cluttered and too busy, Ken Penders did the book’s art and while he did a perfect job drawing Hunter his cartoon characters were always off-model and the way he draws large mangaeyes didn’t look well. In other words the art wasnt good either.

I only remember these issues  because of @hedgehogscantswim​ review, which I suggest you guys read into as they go into much greater depth on their blog on the flaws of the art, the character designs of Monk and Hunter and the overall big problem the last issue has.  

Number 3 Sonic issue 134

Oh Yeah let’s talk about the big one, let’s talk about the issue that caused many Sonic fans to drop the comic, lets talk about the issue that split the fanbase in half and what made the Sonic-Archie comics the laughing stock of Sonic spin offs for years to come until Ian Flyn joined and the much later soft-Reboot. If the Sally/Sonic/Mina love drama didn’t convince people that the comic had badfurryromance drama this issue sure did.

Sonic sacrificed himself in issue 125 to save the world,  but was transported to a different planet cause science, he survived and had space adventures with Aliens, met up with Tails parents somehow...(Really those issues are all a blur too me at this point.) he came back to Mobuis only to discover a year has passed since then, he reunites with his nowwithlonghair girlfriend Sally and by issue 125, Sally makes it clear to Sonic that she wants him by his side as she is sort-of forced by her parents to no longer be on the battle field. However Sonic cant possibly do that, he is the hero after all, he cant be tied down Sally clearry suffering from trauma after Sonic’s death begs him to stay by her side, Sonic  tearfully tells her he can’t and Sally takes Sonic’s rejection pretty well and says that she knows being a hero is in Sonic’s blood and decides to reject her parents wishes and join her boyfriend and the rest of her friends on the battle field.

No wait Never mind, she SLAPS him across the face and calls him Selfish and breaks up with him afterwards.

Not only did this issue came in the worst possible time when the Sonally/Sonamy ship wars was rampant in the Online Sonic fandom communities. The motivation and reason for Karl Boilers to do this was in such a bad taste as well. Karl who MOST Likely was aware of the growing popularity of the Sonamy ship and the hatred the sonamy fanbase had for Sally, from people calling her a marry sue, a slut because her lack of pants, ugly due to her brown color sceme, and other funny-horrible things because shipping is serious business, Probably wanted to win and be favored by a part of the Sonic fan base and had outlined plans to have Sonic and Amy Rose become an official couple in the comics. (Even if Karl wrote Amy Rose as a 10 year old mentally girl with a body of a 12 year old together with a 17 year old teen Sonic.) They had to become a couple. How to do this you ask? by breaking Sonic/Sally up and portraying  Sally out to be a selfish cunt of a woman, not only was this so disgustingly out of character and a slap to the face to the sonally and Sally fans, it was all to make the fans to transaction to the idea of Sonamy instead. It didnt help Sally’s position in the fanbase and she along with Chris and Elise would be among the list of the most hated characters where extreme Sonamy fanbrats now had valid proof on their side.It would take years for Sally to recover. To add insult to injury the only nice thing about the issue is the introduction of new artist John Gray (whose animish-cartoondisneyish style was colorful, pleasant and very pleasing to the eye! was more then needed at that time since the art quality standards was low back then. )John has stated he did NOT like working on this issue either due to the content and story. I am so thankful that Sally has been much better written for years now.

Number 02 Sonic Super Special issue 07 Crossover with Image Comics

Where to start with this, oh boy oh boy. I put this very high on the list because this has to be one of the worst crossovers spin ofss I have ever had the pleasure of reading. and I mean that the Powerrangers/TMNT crossover was more enjoybale that this mess. This is also very high on the list not only because the art was below average and many characters were off models but Mister Ken Penders used this crossover special to shoehorn his own ‘’characters’ from his comic book series the Lost Ones. (who btw got canned after only volume 01) his characters got the most attention out of everyone else. A image-comics with Sonic crossover already sounds sort of weird and silly but hey I am Spawn fangirl, I am intrigued. But I dont even get that.

(oh wait, this is fucking it, Spawn appears for about a page to say no to Sonic and then leaves thats it??) FOR FUCK SAKE....

Honestly @robotnikholmescomicblog​ gave this comic a great review and I suggest going to their tag of Ken-Penders-Why as they bring out most of the flaws of Ken Penders writing and they said it better then I ever will.

Overall the issue is just a mess, with shallowcheap cameos of image characters, Sonic and the freedom fighters being DICKS to most of the human characters for no reason, a very anti climatic ending and a giant commercial for Ken Penders doomed and boring characters that nobody gave a dam about) characters that he planned to use in ‘’The Lost ones’’ and Knuckles 20 years later. With a character hinting to become Knuckles’s greatest enemy yet with a very ugly boring design that could rivals Hunter. (btw none of these concepts go anywhere, Lost Ones was canned, and Knuckles 20 years later didnt come in fruition the way Ken Penders wanted.)

and number 5, worst issue Sonic issue 150

This is my most least favorite issues up to date and why you might ask

well for one thing the art is okay, I give it that but it doesnt even start with Sonic,

no we get a quick-reveal  of AntiSonic pretending to be the real Sonic flirting with all the girls in knothole

We get uncomfortable panels of Mina Mongoose almost cheating on her boyfriend with Sonic, Sonic and Bunnie making out and falling asleep next together, Sonic being creepy at Amy ect and none of the girls seem to realize that this is obvious not the real Sonic but ANti-Sonic. Everbody fails to notice that Sonic is  trying to flirt with all the girls he gets his eyes on. Only Tails seems to quistion it. Shows how much his own friends seem to know him. Or his own freaking family. The real Sonic is stuck in anti-mobuis and is busy trying to convince them that he is not AntiSonic, it’s very boring and dull. Also since the real Ant was stuck in anti Mobuis couldn’t he have tried to come back to his own world with Sonic? I dont know that just confused the heck out of me, The extra side story also doesn’t help, Its the conclusion to TailS ‘’the Chosen One’’ which was,,,pretty lame too with bland-art, and has the unfortunate of introducing the fanbase to the still-hilarious Titan Tails

(OHfuckmethat’sstupid.)

So the stories are stupid, the art is okay and lame. Why is it so high on the list?

It’s THE 150 anniversary issue and this is how Karl and Ken apparently wanted to celebrate it? It also doesn’t help that the cover is really underwhelming and boring compared to the 125th issue but that’s it’s least of its problems. A short while later Ian Flyn and Tracey joined the team and Ken and Karl left. For the better. But talk about a lame way to celebrate a 150th milestone. What a waste. 

[lil-melody-moon]

revenge... 1 to 99, added extra question: Why do you love Yuri so much?

1. What is you middle//full name?          My middle name is Ewelina. I know, very original considering that my first name is Karolina

2. How old are you? 18 and still acting like child

3. What is your birthday? 22th of July. Best month of the year X3

4. What is your zodiac sign? Cancer ^^

5. What is your favorite color? Purple! And blue as well… Maybe pink too…

6. What’s your lucky number? 4 and 9

7. Do you have any pets? Yes an 11 years old dog. Though he acts like he would be 5 years old and he’s an ass. But a lovely ass

8. Where are you from? Poland

9. How tall are you? Around 166cm

10. What shoe size are you? In European measures 39 or 40, depends

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own? Umn… 4 maybe?

12. What was your last dream about? Ugh, that was a weird one. I have a small crush on one of my classmates. He can be really charming sometimes and my brain apparently thought that it is a good idea to dream about a moment when he actually is kissing me in classroom. Though the strange part was that his behavior was actually Yuuri’s behavior. So a nice combination, but… My classmate isn’t that charming as Yuuri sadly. So dream stays a dream.

13. What talents do you have? Pissing off people around me, get attached to fictional characters to the point that I am caring and am worried about them like for real people, learning languages, liking hard languages, coming up with ideas for one-shots or drawing from thin air, being very grumpy sometimes… And being a no life for the most part of my free time

14. Are you psychic in any way? My intuition is usually right, and the annoying voice in the back of my head too… It is very annoying!

15. Favorite song? Just like mentioned before “Leave Out All The Rest” by Linkin Park

16. Favorite movie? "101 Dalmatians 2: Patch’s London Adventure" and this won’t change

17. Who would be your ideal partner? Considering the fact that I like well… The not so normal people… A grumpy and sometimes funny and with an edgy character boy would be good ^u^

18. Do you want children? If possible then yes, why not?

19. Do you want a church wedding? Nah

20. Are you religious?  Nah

21. Have you ever been to the hospital? Yeah, a few visits in there because of my family… I hate hospitals

22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law? Nope, I am an angel fake smile, *hides the huge smirk crawling up my innocent face*

23. Have you ever met any celebrities? Nope

24. Baths or showers? Showers definitely.

25. What color socks are you wearing? Fluffy blue ones. My grandma bought them for me ;u;

26. Have you ever been famous? Right now in my high school class. I am famous for the person with sharp tongue. Really, I can be such an asshole to some people…

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity? Nope, I want to stay as I am. On the side, doing my own stuff without a care for the outside world.

28. What type of music do you like? Heavy metal, Neue Deutsche Härte, Nu metal, Orchiestral music, Japanese music, games soundtracks

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping? No

30. How many pillows do you sleep with? One fluffy one. I love fluffy things X3

31. What position do you usually sleep in? On the right side, curled into a ball

32. How big is your house? Little flat with kitchen, bathroom and two rooms

33. What do you typically have for breakfast? Eggs! I love eggs :3

34. Have you ever fired a gun? No

35. Have you ever tried archery? No, but it seems to be a lot of fun

36. Favorite clean word? Comfy

37. Favorite swear word? Fuck, but I like to use my native language meaning for this word. It sounds better

38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep? You do not want to be near me without something to defend yourself if I don’t sleep more than 3 hours

39. Do you have any scars? Nope

40. Have you ever had a secret admirer? No, I am not that beautiful… And probably my charisma is way too original for normal people

41. Are you a good liar? Yes, a very good one!

42. Are you a good judge of character? Yes, I am usually observing someone for a long time before I am showing my true self. I don’t trust anyone, besides my friends.

43. Can you do any other accents other than your own? Yes, English and a bit of German

44. Do you have a strong accent? Let’s be honest, Polish doesn’t have a very strong accent. If it comes to English than yes, I do have strong one. And about German accent… Still working on it :3

45. What is your favorite accent? Without a doubt, German

46. What is your personality type? Dunno, didn’t do that test

47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing? I don’t know

48. Can you curl your tongue? Yeah

49. Are you an innie or an outie? Innie

50. Left or right handed? Right handed

51. Are you scared of spiders? No that much. Just little thingies walking on their small 8 legs ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

52. Favorite food? *scratches my head*  Chicken soup with self made noodles

53. Favorite foreign food? Pizza or Spaghetti

54. Are you a clean or messy person? Clean, I hate mess

55. Most used phrased? Dunno

56. Most used word? Just

57. How long does it take for you to get ready? In the morning before school? An hour

58. Do you have much of an ego? Sometimes *sweats*

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops? Suck

60. Do you talk to yourself?  A lot. And then my mom thinks that I am talking to her

61. Do you sing to yourself? Yes, it helps to concentrate on things

62. Are you a good singer? Dunno, ask my dog Dog: Woof!

63. Biggest Fear? Being left alone

64. Are you a gossip? No

65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen? I am not watching movies, though I came up with very dramatic au for my oc x canon character. Not gonna tell because smart me is too shy

66. Do you like long or short hair? Long or middle. They are fun to draw

67. Can you name all 50 states of America? No. I have problems with Polish map and you want me to know states of America?

68. Favorite school subject? German all the way!

69. Extrovert or Introvert? Introvert

70. Have you ever been scuba diving? Yes, once or twice

71. What makes you nervous? Talking out loud in front of people who I don’t know. Getting involved into situation where a lot of people needs to get their voice about something

72. Are you scared of the dark? No, dark is nice and calm.

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes? Yes because I just have the urge to do so

74. Are you ticklish? *hides my legs*  Not at all ^^

75. Have you ever started a rumor? I am not that kind of asshole

76. Have you ever been in a position of authority? I think not

77. Have you ever drank underage? I hate alcohol so nope

78. Have you ever done drugs? Look at the answer above

79. Who was your first real crush? Fuck real crushes, let’s go to fictional characters. This asshole *points at Bakura*

80. How many piercings do you have? Only on ears but I am not wearing any earrings

81. Can you roll your Rs?“ No

82. How fast can you type? Fast

83. How fast can you run? Not so fast

84. What color is your hair? Brown

85. What color is your eyes? Hazel. From light blue to light green or green, to gray blue.

86. What are you allergic to? To people who have tendency to piss me off

87. Do you keep a journal? No, but if we are counting the many one-shots I wrote to keep my ideas in one place then yes

88. What do your parents do? They are old, they are relaxing

89. Do you like your age? Kinda. I would rather be older though. Be after collage and such, have work already and have my own flat

90. What makes you angry? Oh God… People who thinks they are better for whatever reason, people who thinks that it is bad to have something original in yourself, people who wants to outsmart you just because they want to dump their shit on you, people who gossips behind your back, people who… *a few hours later*  And finally people who are just sexists.

91. Do you like your own name? Yes, I do. Long names are cute

92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they? Fuck, Dalia do not laugh, don’t you even dare… I like the name Jörgen and if my plans go as planned then maybe I will have the opportunity to give it to my child. Maybe… Ah, dreams…

93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child? Neither will be good

94. What are you strengths? Hiding my true self before others, being able to cut myself off from society for most of the time, being creative

95. What are your weaknesses? Choosing favorite characters - they are dying or are suffering or are treated badly by the writers and fandom, plushies, heavy metal music - especially Rammstein and Metallica

96. How did you get your name? My mom overheard name “Karolina” on one of the parties when she was younger and she liked it so she thought of giving me that name

97. Were your ancestors royalty? From Polish side yes, but only from my dad’s side and from German side? Ich weiß es nicht ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

98. Color of your room? Purple and green. And I want it to stay like that

99. Color of your bedspread? Purple and blue for now

Your extra question: Why do you love Yuri so much?Oh… Oh God *blushes* Well…It is not only because @amiiera pulled me back into Arc V and made me make oc for Yuuri, but… He’s not only handsome and cute and adorable. His voice is perfect, like a melody for me, his behavior is charming as well and his smirks really can make me fell really weak and squeak more than I was squeaking while seeing Vector, but the thing is, I can relate to him very much. The thing about being alone, without family, without friends. I went through hell in Primary school. I was without anyone who could shake me and woke me up from this nightmare. @true-lab were - and I really hope so that they still are - my only friend at that time, but even though, I still felt alone. Now to the parents stuff… When I was younger my dad drank a lot and I don’t have very happy memories from that time. I was always closing myself in fictional world, trying to not listen to my dad or ignore him completely so yeah, childhood almost without parents is checked as well.Now to other point why I like him so much. The way writers treat him and the way fandom treats him is just awful. Not only Arc V writers are really bad, but fandom doesn’t see that abusive relationships are bad and they are - in my opinion - shipping Yuuri with the worst characters they can. And I kinda want to protect him from everything. I just… Want to make him happy even if I had to make whole new au for him and my oc. I just want to see him happy for once. He deserves it, and I don’t care what other people thinks about him. 

[betterlovers]

Your turn, drop and give me 1-99

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most?Well they’d have to be probably…Between The Mountain And The Sea by Senses FailI Am Hated by SlipknotToo Dumb To Die by Green DayDecayin’ With The Boys by Every Time I DieYou’re Crazy by Guns N’ RosesAnd…Idk maybe Bonecrusher also by Senses Fail2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?Assuming I can only choose one single person and they have to be alive… Corey Taylor. Sorry but… Corey, ya know?3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.Page 23 doesn’t have a line 17 but page 22, line 17 is “ ”. Cause there’s also no book4: What do you think about most?How much longer I can lay in bed without being late for work probably5: What does your latest text message from someone else say?“Please don’t speed up” I’m assuming she meant speed, not actually speed up cause you kinda hafta when driving6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on?With, but if I had my way it’d be without a with a certain someone as well ;)7: What’s your strangest talent?My ability to not crash my car no matter what stupid shit I’m doing whole driving8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence)Girls are chill; Boys ain’t got no chill9: Ever had a poem or song written about you?Yeah but it was very super vague and indirect (not) back when I was starting a band with my ex girlfriend10: When is the last time you played the air guitar?Fam you caught right in the middle of playing air guitar11: Do you have any strange phobias?Nah. A fear of spiders but that ain’t weird. They’re fucking scary.12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?If someone ever says they never stuck straws up their nose and pretended to be a walrus they’re lying. So yes. Definitely.13: What’s your religion?None. Basically agnostic. Like if you got real hard evidence I’ll believe it but as far I know there ain’t nothing but here and now so I gotta live my life the best I can and not concern myself with pseudo-moral dilemmas created by a system designed to control the masses14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?Walking in the woods being edgy, running on fallen trees, stuff related to the woods15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?In front. Cause that means I ain’t gotta worry about making me look the good, the photographer does16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?Fucking Slipknot. Followed by Senses Fail, Green Day, and Every Time I Die17: What was the last lie you told?…that I wouldn’t speed18: Do you believe in karma?I believe that if it does exist it sucks at being consistent.19: What does your URL mean?Got a death wish. Ain’t, well wasn’t, too keen on living but wasn’t super actively going for dying either. Just wished I was dead and wasn’t avoiding dangerous shit. Ya dig?20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?My inability to trust people. For both.21: Who is your celebrity crush?Corey MotherFucking Taylor22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping?Nah. But I’m down for it23: How do you vent your anger?Blasting my music as loud as it doesn’t hurt and then some24: Do you have a collection of anything?Yeah CDs and Vinyl records. Currently working on expanding them25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?Ooh… um. Idk. Neither tbh. I guess phone if I had to pick26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become?I’m moderately happy with the way my face has become. That’s about it27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?Generic metalcore. Sound I love: actual quality screams in music28: What’s your biggest “what if”?What if I never make it in life?29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?Mmm idk and yes. There’s no way to not believe in aliens30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.The wall. And the windows with the left31: Smell the air. What do you smell?I smell.. nothing. My nose doesn’t really work like ever.32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to?Fucking Canada...kidding. idk no where’s been THAT bad. Maybe my old job33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast?…is that even a question? Look at my description for the blog. Says it all34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?…umm… only one I can think of right now is Lena Scissorhands35: To you, what is the meaning of life?For one to protect themselves and theirs36: Define Art.It’s very… artistic37: Do you believe in luck?I mean yeah. I consider myself very lucky. I get away with a lotta bullshit38: What’s the weather like right now?A bit chilly. But clear skies all around39: What time is it?11:15 PM as of answering this question40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?Yeah I love driving. And… sorta? Let me clarify that it was when I was backing out of the neighborhood parking lot at like 6 AM and I had my music blasting and didn’t hear my neighbor honking the horn at me and I kept backing out and hit them at like… .002 mph41: What was the last book you read?You’re Making Me Hate You by.. Corey Taylor…42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?Call weird or crazy or whatever but yeah. I love it43: Do you have any nicknames?Nah not really no44: What was the last film you saw?I think it was Rogue One. Badass move btw45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?Well once I tripped and fell on my face and chipped my tooth and to this day I have a spiky tooth in the front. I say it’s the worst cause the consequence is still very visible 46: Have you ever caught a butterfly?No. But now I’m gonna47: Do you have any obsessions right now?Me? Nooo never48: What’s your sexual orientation?I have no fucking idea49: Ever had a rumour spread about you?That I was a drug addict or a drug dealer. the latter didn’t stick, seeing as I was not popular in high school50: Do you believe in magic?Not really no51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?Oh absolutely. It can last years and go well beyond a rational grudge.52: What is your astrological sign?Taurus. Stubborn as a bull.53: Do you save money or spend it?If you got money to spare that you ain’t gotta a goal for, spend it. That’s my motto54: What’s the last thing you purchased?Some food for me, my mom, and my stepdad55: Love or lust?Both. At the same time preferably 56: In a relationship?Single and ready to consider mingling until I remember I have 0 social skills whatsoever57: How many relationships have you had?…longer than a few months? Like 3. Less than a few months? …more than 3 but I can remember the exact amount cause if it lasted less than a few months they obviously weren’t very important to me (i say as a way to disguise the fact that I fucked all but my first relationship)58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue?No. But neither can you so ha59: Where were you yesterday?At work, at home, and at a restaurant 60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?Surprisingly no61: Are you wearing socks right now?I was just about to take them off but yes I currently am62: What’s your favourite animal?Dogs. Dogs. And dogs.63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?My willingness to pick up the tab or bill 64: Where is your best friend?I dunno 65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr.@nicotinecaffeinesugarfix @clientsfromhell @justneckbeardthings @markiplier @old-friends-senior-dog-sanctuary(If you ain’t on here that don’t mean I don’t like ya. Minus the first, these are mostly blogs that make me laugh)66: What is your heritage?PERU PERU PERU67: What were you doing last night at 12AM?Sleeping like a baby with my kids (my dogs) next to me68: What do you think is Satan’s last name?Bacon. Satan Bacon69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?Similar to the one where you asked about sticking shit up noses…70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?The friendly kind71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?Save the dog. I can get another job. That dog can’t get another life72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?A) no. No point in having then worry about the inevitable.B) finally go on that road trip I’ve always wanted to go onC) maybe at first. But again, no point in worrying about the inevitable.73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love.Trust. Why have love if you can’t trust each other enough to enjoy it?74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?…even though it’s not supposed to, Decayin’ With The Boys. It’s just such a banger75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?475876: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?Trust. And also attraction and determination77: How can I win your heart?Food. Just lots of food78: Can insanity bring on more creativity?Of course. No guarantee it’ll be understood though79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?None reallt. Maybe leaving my old job. But my decisions are highly impulsive and… not good80: What size shoes do you wear?10.5 to 1181: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?“Follow Your Bliss”82: What is your favourite word?Moist. Partly cause every one hates it. Partly cause it’s fun to say83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.Nah84: What is a saying you say a lot?“Ya know?” “I mean,…”85: What’s the last song you listened to?Step To These by DJ Starscream86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours?Black. White. Wine red87: What is your current desktop picture?A wallpaper of the self titled Slipknot album88. (I lost the question but basically I get to pick someone to spontaneously combust)Either Richard Spencer or Donald Trump 89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?“What is wrong with you?”90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?Go back to sleep and hope that if they eat me that it’s quick and painless91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?MotherFucking teleportation92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?The half an hour before I fucked us up.93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?None. They made me me. I don’t want then gone. I just don’t wanna remember them.94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?…again either Corey Taylor or Lena Scissorhands. Although she isn’t really a celebrity…95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?California or Chicago96: Do you have any relatives in jail?I don’t know for sure but I wouldn’t doubt it97: Have you ever thrown up in the car?Nahh just outside of them98: Ever been on a plane?Yeah. Nothing special though 99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?The alt right are nazis and also fuck them and fuck you if you think they’re okay

Jesus christ my arms hurt now. But it’s done

[clumsyclifford]

6, 7, 12, 15, 32, and 38 (I know you don't like the concept of lanes but I'm asking anyway even if you give me a non-answer) -hazel

let’s see how many of these i can get through before my meeting

6. favorite bromance? okay so i talked about this here but at any rate i don’t know if i answered it correctly. i think the muke bromance is actually very tasty. like if you separate this question from ships i’m going with muke and it’s not because i’m supposedly anti-muke because i promise i have changed my tune i just really like their friendship it’s very sweet to me that they went from the relationship they used to have, where they “hated” each other or whatever was going on there, and now they’re This Tight. like you can just! see how much they love each other! it’s very nice. they are funny cute boys

7. funniest moment to you? also attempted to answer this here but i am going to rack my brain for a different answer. OH. hm. am i allowed to say that make a drink with 5sos video? tiktok? is that a tiktok? am i really giving a tiktok as an answer??? who am i becoming??? alternate answer, the “so fresh and so clean” video never fucking fails to make me smile. i feel like it’d be cheating to try and go through my fav tag for this so just off the dome those are my answers

12. fav and least fav from each album? OHO what a question. i don’t know if i will be able to answer it. let us see

self-titled

favorite: not sure if this counts but english love affair. if we’re just going straight from the album itself then long way home

least favorite: mmmmm it’s mrs. all american but not even because i don’t like the Vibe, i think it’s a funny song BUT it uses this one sound effect that sounds like a bird and it drives me insane

sounds good feels good

favorite: mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm i struggle with this! girl who cried wolf maybe? or literally either of the b-sides they both got paid FUCKING dust ily story of another us & catch 22

least favorite: atm it’s permanent vacation i would say

youngblood

favorite: uhhhhhhhhhh lie to me or wwylm. man this is hard

least favorite: i think if walls could talk. i really wish i could confidently give an answer to any of these. but that’s what i‘m saying for now

CALM

favorite: thin white lies!!!!!! confidently!!!!!!! it took me a while to settle on a favorite and there’s a dece chance it’ll change again but for now, thin white lies

least favorite: ffffffff i mean. i think it’s easier. i don’t even really dislike easier but i think it’s easier

15. fav 5sos dog? answered this one here!

32. fav tattoo from any boy? i did already answer this here as well but i will CHOOSE ANOTHER. i like calum’s 2012 tattoo. and i like the X on michael’s finger. i straight up cannot Remember everyone’s tattoos idk man it’s not my body. WAIT actually i’m so lying i love the one michael has on his calf i think it’s really sick and it is a tragedy that we don’t see it very often

38. whose lane were you in when you first joined and whose lane are you in now? you test me hazel :/ no i’m kidding i don’t mind i definitely had a “lane” when i first became a 5sos fan because i was like? 13 years old or something? and i have no doubt i had a crush on luke. like...i don’t REMEMBER, and i probably wanted to be edgy and not like the lead singer, but i’m sure it was luke. i am a simple woman i see a cute boy and i claim him as my own! unfortunately i cannot give you a current lane because like you said i don’t really believe in them (or not for myself at least, respect to everyone else, idc what you guys do). i am in the michael-next-for-solo-project-preferably-pop-punk lane.

5sos asks :)

[awindowintothisworld]

May 9th, 2019 - Thursday

Hello again.

I know I left off in a weird spot, and I don’t think I’ll be revisiting it just because I’ve got something that I really need to get off my chest really quick before I go into future plans. Now, I now I’ve mentioned Alaina and how we don’t exactly get along. She messaged me the other night that really rubbed me the wrong way, and for good reason.

Alaina has had a marathon planned for CF fundraiser. It’s suppose to be held on the 18th and we were all suppose to sign up for it. I completely forgot, despite all the reminders, and I didn’t sign up. Due to that, I was also scheduled to work that night so I couldn’t do anything at that point. (I would have asked to switched, but I’d have a better chance of winning the lottery then have someone switch me a Saturday night.) She sent me a personal message saying that I needed to sign up asap, but I told her I was scheduled to work that night. And then she sends me this:

“ I want you to know that it really has upset me lately how little you come around. You live in Kaysville and I NEVER see you. Your niece has been hospitalized 5 times and you didn't come by once or even ask how she was. She's a year old and you've met her MAYBE three times. I feel like your family is really low on your priority list. I love you and we all want to know you're still alive. Its ok that you can't come but at least try next time.”

My heart sank, because I know that. I know I don’t come around very often, but the reason for that is because I work nights and my days are completely switched. I don’t think someone wants a visit at 2am, or a message. And due to my problems I’ve been having with my health, (because of exhaustion due to me trying desperately to stay up during the day,) I’ve chosen to just be a fly on the wall and read the family group message to keep updated. I’ve tried to keep up everyone and try to see if they’re alright, and come to family functions, but I’ve ended up making myself sick! My response was:

“ I'm sorry that's upset you. Please know that I do care and I'm always reading up on the family thread, but please understand that with the hours that I work, I'm not awake when stuff is going down, so it's hard for me to be more involved! I care about the family and little Della's well-being, but working three, sometimes four nights makes it difficult to be more involved. I'm not making excuses, that's just how it is.”

To which she responded:

“ I know and I understand that. Which is why I never say anything. But Braden works 70 hours a week and still makes our family a priority. He makes it to almost every family function just by planning in advance. I understand that it isn't possible for you to always make it to things or check in all the time. But you literally have never even asked how we were doing. And that really is hurtful especially considering that your niece is literally dying. I'm not trying to make you feel bad. I'm mostly upset because I gave all of you literally months in advance to take time off for this huge event....”

Hun, I’d kill to only work 70 hours. I work 12 hour shifts each time I work! Not only that, there are only 3 of us that work as security guards, and one of them can only strictly work 2 days out of the week! If the other full-time guard is out of town, I’m the one that has to pick up those shifts! I’m no stranger to working 90+ hours a week at times! Yes, not getting the day off was completely my fault, and I’ll own up to that. I messed up in that regard. But she also has to understand how hard it is for me to check in all the time. It may not seem like I care or that my family is not a priority, but damn it, I do! I’m just quiet about it! I don’t have anything to report to the family since I’m literally just working and sleeping every day! I visit when I can, but that usually is not very often! She doesn’t understand how hard its been just living normally! My social life, my dating life, my family life- all of it is being effected because of how fucked up my schedule is! I’ve already mentioned in the last entry how working here has effected me physically and mentally, and why I’m having a hard time leaving! She doesn’t understand, and it makes me angry and upset. She’s so unwilling to lower her blinders and see that the world does not revolve around her. Yes, your baby has a fatal sickness, I get that 100%! But you also have to understand that I have my own life to worry about as well! I care about you and your family, Alaina. Really. As much as I do everyone else in our family. But it’s hard to keep up.

I talked to my dad and he said he’d speak with Alaina, which I don’t know if that will do anything. I was fairly emotionally compromised the day I read those messages, so they seemed a lot worse then they actually are. I cried my eyes out when I read them and ended up going to my mom’s grave to just sob for a while before needing to get to work. We’ll see what happens the next time we see each other. (Whenever that will be.)

Anyway, the rest of this week is going to be fairly chill. I have a D&D game tomorrow that I’m the DM for, and I still got to prepare for that. I have an idea what’s going to be going down, but I need to make sure everything is solid and entertaining. It’s a strange thing, being a DM, and I’m not entirely sure if I prefer it over being a player. I like being able to tell a story and create multiple characters with deep backstories, but I’m also not a huge fan of all the preparation that goes into planning a single session. Maps, characters, monsters, stats, numbers, going into every last detail for just in case everything derails- it’s a lot and I’m not sure how I’m going to steer this in the direction I want this to go. But the first session we had with my campaign, I don’t feel like, was too bad... I mean, it seemed like, for the most part, everyone was having fun... except for the part where literally half of the party was left out because they decided to stay behind and watch over the character they were helping. I’m going to need to keep that in mind for just in case the party splits again. It was really unfair for the other people.

Anyway, so I have that happening on Friday, and then me and my roommate, Erin, are going to be going to a Rein Faire on Saturday. The theme this weekend is fairies, and we recently finished some Disney fairy costumes for Salt Lake Fanx this year, so we’re totally prepared! Except Erin decided she didn’t want to get her costume dirty, so she’s going to go as an original character. She went as Fawn and I went as Zarina, and I think I’ll be pulling her out again for this faire. I’ll need to replace her skirt since it was so haphazardly put together, so maybe I’ll do that as soon as I get off work. (I’m working right now.)

We’ll be going again next weekend for their Pirate theme. I’m pretty excited! I’m itching to try some Honey Mead for my first time. I hear it’s super nasty, but I still want a mug of it just to say I tried. It’ll be a lot of fun.

Mother’s day is coming up here pretty quick and I’m not all that excited for it. My mom passed away a little over a year ago from a heart attack. It came as a complete surprise and I’m still hurting from it, and probably will be for the rest of my life. I don’t mean to sound edgy or whatever, but it’s so hard losing a parent, especially one that you were super close to. My mom was my best friend. Losing her was the hardest thing I’ll ever have to go through... Man, even just saying that is so weird. It still doesn’t seem real, that she’s not here, that I can’t just call her up and ask her how she’s doing. I miss her with all my heart... I’m going to try really hard not to get too emotional since I am still at work, and the last thing I need is for someone to walk in on me crying like an ugly baby. So I’m going to move on for now, but I’ll be sure to make a special entry for her once that day rolls around... I think it’s on the 12th this year. I’ll try to hold myself to that. I’ll be sure to share some photos as well.

Well, I need to get some preparation done for my session tomorrow, so I’ll write again soon. Later. 

[circularwastemememe-blog]

Resistance

Even I do feel relatively in peace, there are aspects of me that I truly need to re-examine. 

I ran into some obstacles. I gotta look into my soul and emotions to gain some insights.

I found my previous collaborator trolling me again, and that really annoys me. I try to find ways to make a difference to my circumstances but I feel truly frustrated as though the world is against me. 

My mom asked me to stop fighting back or announcing his wrongs in public. But I cannot go on letting others treat me as shits. This is unfair. I also hate the fact that my life is full of such type of drama to deal with. I stand alone because there seems to be no one to help me. Then I start to feel resentful. I begin to wonder who the fuck would wanna involve themselves in such world of mine - a world that is full of discrimination, fights, anger, failures, disappointments, and hard works. Then I begin to hate my body, my voice as though they are separate beings disconnected from my face. I won't say I'm going to break down but there is something wrong that needs to be fixed. How to find the problem? Go to find it in the worst matter that is highly likely to trigger you - watch Clara's new video. Gee, it sounds almost like a dark joke but I mean it. I had been filled with negative vibes towards this woman, who had been the source for a great many negative inspirations despite that it is hard to associate all this with her beautiful, flirtatiously pleasant face. 

I forced myself to be detached: If I did not have any bit of personal conversation, even just feeble connections, if she were truly a total stranger, if I did not know her life a bit, how would I feel about her video? I think I'd subscribe to her channel and leave her a positive comment full of appreciation and encouragement. And I'd share her video on Facebook posts and with some of my guy friends with my best wishes that she would get a substantial career with her lovely singing voice and her skillset on cinematography. Yes. That is me. I would be doing that as a pure good wish for a beautiful woman who gives me minutes of relief and aesthetic exaltation, which is sheerly impersonal. Even I don't know her, I wish her well. 

Then why I wouldn't since I did have some feeble interactions with her before? Because she manipulated me with her beauty and made me give her more values than she deserves in my life, all for her vanity. Because she knew what happened to me and chose not to say a thing to relieve me. She pretended to be a liberal-minded humanist but she ain't. What makes it worse? She pretended she cared but she did not. All her beliefs are just words to invite likes so simple-minded suckers like me would leave a comment saying she is beautiful inside out. She seemed sweet and gentle with positive words but she was not really a considerate person at all. All her good manners are for her self-image but the well-being of others. Because after all that, I just realize she is very selfish, narcissistic and cold. After having some idea about her, her video appears like she is winking to deliberately seduce/manipulate the audience as she abuses her sex appeal to get the recognition/attention she wants, like she is making fun of people who sincerely care about her as she celebrates her success of making many people fools for her. She is like that type of person who smiles and flirts with guys while her female friends are dying next room and she is not going to do a thing about it. Other guys told me she is trying too hard to be edgy and authentic but fail. Other guys told me that she is rich French middle-class whose stereotypical temperament is, they always do what they want and they don't give a shit, proud and selfish. Others said, why would anyone wanna show nude pictures in public without being paid to do so? This chick obviously loves herself very much. 

She has all the qualities to be a great female singer or artist. (I don't really know whether she can write any song except that she cannot really do live singing with her ukulele since all her videos are processed and edited together. Which is fine. At least she can make good effects with cinematography.) But she just does not have much of a soul to sustain all that even she seems to try very hard by changing her styles. No one bothers to tell her that because they are busy figuring out ways to get into her pants.

Then, I gotta pretend I'm not me and ask me one important question: Do you want her? 

The truth is, I don't know. It seems common senses to want her because all that she is given out there. I bet most people would say yes if they are asked, within ten minutes. I always try to hold a pure mind when it comes to beautiful ladies despite their drawbacks. I wanna mold them into that wonderful woman with my love by overlooking their faults so they will get to become that perfect companion I always want. Then why you don't know, dude? Why? Are you pretending? Yes and no. I'm afraid of the harm she's going to do to me if I don't keep my guard. I'm afraid of giving her that importance, that burdensome value in my life, that much power. And obviously, she cannot do good with all that power. If she is likely to shoot randomly with a gun, you should have enough senses not to hand her any ammunition. Ok, all this is resistance. Who would wanna be with someone who holds such strong, negative opinions towards them?

If someone holds such a negative view of me, what would I do? I will try to understand them first. At least they bother to complain. It is better than people who don't say a word. Silence is the highest form of contempt. It is never my wish to crash anyone's self-esteem. It is not a zero-sum game - you win and I lose. No one wins, in fact. Judging from that, Clara must feel a need to contempt me so she can win by all means. Also, her need to win in this case is very questionable as though there is something unspeakably weak and frail hidden beneath. 

Maybe I'm being conscientious with this question. Without building a solid bonding, whatever motivates me to want her is superficial - I wanna caress a beautiful face and go to bed with good-looking people as everyone in this world would like to. I also know how it feels to get people into liking you for your appearance. Admiration given free is valueless. Only admiration earned has everlasting values. It is also pretentious to deny your attraction to her but all that is kinda superficial. I have eyes and I'm human and I do enjoy watching fine things. Objectively, I do appreciate her in some aspects but I don't admire her after living through all this. I must say, she handled it horribly. In the end, she acted like a 12-year-old who was unable to sustain an authentic friendship and unfriended some unwanted ex-suitor on Facebook. I was surprised but not so surprised. I somehow felt sorry that she had let herself go and descended to a new low point, as though she were my teenage sister and I was with all that patience in this world to wait for her to get reformed. 

Further, judging from my experiences of going to bed with beautiful men, they are usually mediocre lays. The moment I screwed them or they screwed me, I felt bored. Looks is not everything. I tend to give woman's looks more value than man. As to men, I prefer to look at their souls. 

I guess I'm okay now. Despite the excruciating distress from this experience, I've come to accept myself a bit better, appreciate a bit more of what I have and the few true people around me. I thought she was what could make me happy but I was wrong. I worked so hard to get what I've always wanted, things and people as goals to attain, people who seemed to be able to make me happy, but all I got was more and more unhappiness in my pursuit of "happiness." Now I just wanna be around people who don't make me unhappy. People who stay around and interact with me to create true values for me. Such values will always exist even they age and change physically. That is precious enough for me.

Clara will eventually age or die someday as we all do, or change her hair and get into an un-fitting style that uglifies her, and all she had created was just a lovely image without content for me. My portraits of her would always be there as I genuinely spent years of my life creating something out there with my heart and soul. I love those works for their true emotions and raw affections even they could be fruits of erotomania. Reluctant as I was, with my fate, I had created true values out there, despite being unseen by this world. Which is fine. Because I believe in me, myself and my art. May the world rot and perish, they will be there as always.

I'm sorry to have been so harsh on her. She is just a girl who wanna celebrate the few things she has had online so she can like herself a bit better. I place her under my microscope for scrutiny because I was also a girl who looked for importance online. I thought she was higher and it broke my heart to see my "idol" act like some commonplace person as it angered me that she had fooled me so well. Gee, I still sound so negative. I think I should make an effort to grow up and forgive her as she is just a lost girl who plays goddess, like my 5-year-old niece who gets delighted when we call her Snow White and treat her like a princess even she is not. (Hopefully, she will grow up and mature in time and be alright with herself, even without someone who treats her like a princess.)

I think I'm alright now.