#??? and this is just hollywood. when i think of what women universally put up with.....nah. can't even

[fairycosmos]

idk i feel like women who don't conform to a conventionally feminine gender role or appearance get a lot of shit in their day to day lives and ignoring that is overlooking a huge facet of misogyny

[missorgana]

everything i do (gonna think of you)

pairing: finn/poe dameron

fandom: star wars (sequel trilogy

rating: teen and up

word count: 4690

warning: swearing, alcohol

summary: Finn and Poe are on a break. Neither of them are okay. But Finn hears Poe singing about him on the radio, and they'll be okay. Always. (musician poe, artist finn, long distance break-up + getting back together)

(it’s been ages but my space bfs, it’s good to be back!! a long overdue installment in my finnpoe alphabet series. did not expect e to be the most difficult letter to work with !!! thank you to Cat / @wendigostag​ as ALWAYS for beta reading and supporting my messy ideas 🥰 love uuuu. enjoy??)

read on ao3

“And now for the moment you’ve all been waiting for, I’m sure!”

The audience erupts in a half-laughter, half-cheer, and the host smiles, looking a bit too tired for his age.

“Tonight’s special performance is by someone who has, quite frankly, taken the whole of America - and dare I say the world? - by storm!”

Previous cheers resurface, louder and more certain than before. Even a few wolf whistles, making the presenter laugh as well.

“Here to perform his new single ‘cardigan’ from the debut album ‘folklore’, Poe Dameron!”

Quite literally everyone in the studio goes crazy, and as the camera directs towards the stage, a light turns on and reveals the curly haired man in all his glory.

He smiles slyly to the audience. A few noises, bordering on the line of screaming, makes him chuckle, but he puts all his focus on the guitar. Snaps, strums, and as the piano starts accompanying him, a soft voice forming strange and unfamiliar words.

Finn wipes the tear away in frustration before it even gets a chance to move, just tiny droplets stinging his vision. He’s sniffling, and biting his cheek, staring at the already half-empty bottle of red wine on the table.

Never in his life has he ever felt more pathetic, that’s true.

He doesn’t know why he’s watching this. And judging by the two texts pinging in on his phone, his best friend Rey somehow knows he’s doing it, too.

His vision’s too blurry to type, he thinks. Fuck it, pour another glass of wine. Who cares?

On the screen, Poe smiles while singing each word. But Finn knows the man better than anyone in that studio to know that it’s not really a smile. It’s the kind that his boyfriend- ex-boyfriend put on at their last FaceTime call. The one where he suggested they took a break.

He figures he should turn off the television when the performance comes to an end. No need to rub anymore salt in the wound, as Rey said.

Yet Finn sticks around for the interview because… because what? He hates himself? He hates Poe?

Neither. Maybe he misses him. Of course he misses him, enough to fight back the sobs, far from sober. But he’ll fight that obvious realisation, as well.

“Thank you for coming in tonight!” the host tells the singer, who thanks him in turn for the opportunity. Always the golden boy. The image of polite, kind, heart full of love, yet so goddamn stubborn.

“Mothers love me.” Poe had told him, back in college, the smug idiot. Finn’s mother loves him.

It’s mostly questions about the album, the upcoming tour, pictures of his parents and his pearly whites gleam when he speaks of them, how proud they are of him. It envelops Finn like a warm embrace. Huh. They haven’t hugged in five months.

They haven’t seen each other in five months.

Then the host starts grinning like a maniac, and he’s got a hunch what’s coming now is what he’s been wanting to ask all along, “Evidently, you got a lot of ladies who love you here.”

Audience cheers. Poe runs a hand through his hair. He’s so nervous, it’s adorable.

“You got a special lady in your life?” a question that quiets the audience significantly, still, waiting.

The singer glances at his shoes like they’re the most fascinating thing in the universe. Finn can’t hold his glass still, because, yeah. He looks like he’s thinking about it too hard. He wants to save him from that situation.

And although it feels like a million years pass, it’s probably only ten seconds before the reply settles, “Not at the moment, no.”

The crowd is nothing less than thrilled. And not only women, as the host implied, nah, everyone in that studio recognizes what a heartthrob Poe Dameron is. Finn couldn’t agree more.

What he knows about his ex-boyfriend that the strangers in the TV don’t know is, obviously, that Poe’s not interested in the ladies.

So does his family and close friends, anyone out of show business, really.

He also knows why his ex-boyfriend isn’t out to the public about his sexuality, yet. Or he’s got an idea. Maybe. Finn convinces himself of that, because then, he can also convince himself that he’s not the only one still feeling he’s being torn to pieces by this breakup. Feels better.

*

Although the screen connecting to his boyfriend’s call tugs on his heartstrings with its familiar warmth, Finn is, above all, pissed.

And for some reason, he feels ashamed for that. He knows he shouldn’t.

Poe hasn’t been home in a month. He was supposed to be here two weeks ago, but due to press bookings, credit to his boyfriend’s brand new agent, he called Finn late at night apologising like a broken record and promising to make it up to him.

And it makes him feel like shit.

Every apology made him feel more guilty for… harboring his time. Which is crazy, because they’ve been going steady for three years. They talked about this, the possibility of long distance, and knew, definitely, that it was gonna be hard, especially since they’ve been attached by the hip for so long.

Thing is, this has happened three times now, and it’s made Finn question himself.

Is he good enough for Poe? then later, another thought creeps in, Is Poe tired of him? or… is he not in love with him anymore?

Finn feels like he’s going crazy.

And even when he sees his boyfriend’s soft curls and eyes full of sunshine pop on his phone, it’s those thoughts that still inhabit his head. Fuck.

“Baby!” Poe says, excitement gleaming right through him and into Finn’s bedroom. They’ve been talking about moving in together, but, well, with long distance, mostly only talk for now. He’s off chasing the fame, which he deserves more than anyone, thank you very much, and Finn’s already booked up with art galleries and auctions eagerly grasping for his paintings. It feels like they’ve made it.

Except, “Phasma’s got me on Jimmy Kimmel! Like, can you believe that?!” his boyfriend spills out everything from this week, and it warms Finn’s chest, his gut, all the way down to his toes. But at the same time, this being Poe’s first words to him stirs weirdly alongside that warmth.

His career’s important. Of course. Finn’s happy for him, like, over the moon, all the way across the solar system happy.

He wants him to be successful. So then… then why does it feel like Poe prioritises it over them? It’s probably him overthinking it, he reasons. Again.

Finn can definitely feel he’s supposed to be sleeping right now; that’s another thing, cursed with being in vastly different time zones. He listens, smiling half-tiredly, thoughts wandering to everything and nothing.

Which is why he finds himself, all of a sudden, replying to his boyfriend’s, “I, uh, I’m actually writing you another song. Don’t laugh, please,” with, “A secret kind of song? ”

It takes Poe by surprise, visibly, and it takes himself, as well.

Finn bites down on his tongue in the cringe of it all. His boyfriend’s blinking, slowly, probably waiting for some sort of elaboration, but when he has no idea what to say, Poe inquires, “What do you mean?”

He sighs. Wholeheartedly, wistfully, nostalgic.

Finn thinks about when Poe asked him out, driving up to his window in true cheesy romantic comedy style and having offered to write essays in exchange for a school marching band performance.

Their first date, eating cotton candy and the curly haired boy insisting on trying and failing to win Finn a prize, until finally facing defeat. He won Poe a prize instead, first try, so the previous grumpiness faded in a matter of seconds. The butterflies threatened to burst his stomach the entire day.

Their first time, clumsy and awkward, teeth clanging in kisses and stupid buttons in Finn’s shirt being stuck and they laughed until they were out of breath. It was more perfect than anything either of them could’ve imagined.

He thinks about this, because neither of them were out before they got together.

This coming out thing? It scared the shit out of Finn. He was so lucky to have a supportive family, supportive friends. The school was a mixed experience, but he and Poe were in it together. His boyfriend tried to play it cool, but he knew how scared he was, too. He knows like the back of his hand, almost.

And this concern, it makes him feel so guilty he might vomit.

“I just… I was just wondering if you wanted to be official.”

“We are official, Finn.”

“No, I-I mean, public.”

He gulps around the growing lump in his throat. Poe goes scarily quiet.

This is also something they’ve talked about before. Fame is so new, it’s a whole new leap, learning how to handle all this, so it didn’t bother either of them to be secretive about their relationship, so to speak.

Their close network still knew, obviously, but the music industry, Hollywood, that’s way, way different than Finn’s newly established and growing network of artist connections and colleagues.

It wasn’t a problem. Until it was.

Coming out is personal. But ever since his boyfriend said he wanted to go public, then didn’t, as they were both on edge, then decided they should move in together and go public to slam down journalists linking Poe to a member of a girl group he met last summer, then didn’t.

It’s happened a couple of times. And finally, it seems, Finn is coming to terms with being tired of being ready and then backing out.

He’s terrified. Terrified of Poe being embarrassed of him, which he knows sounds crazy, also. But fuck.

“Baby, we’re gonna do it,” his boyfriend reassures him, but he’s distraught now, “You know we are. My agent just talks about my image, you know, I need to make sure-”

“Your image?”

That… that pisses Finn off. Conclusively. Because what the fuck?

“Phasma thinks we should do it at Christmas, season of love, you know?” Poe smiles shyly, he always loved the holidays. And he just doesn’t know how to react. “She’s fine with it, like, she didn’t ask me to fake being straight, like the guy I talked with before. Just-

“Are you embarrassed of me, Poe?” he finds the words slipping out before he can stop his mouth.

His boyfriend’s eyes widen significantly on the small screen, opens and closes his mouth several times, and there’s definitely a yell from somewhere in the studio, but Poe ignores it completely, “Of course not. Finn, I’m the luckiest guy in the world because of you. I just really… really think we need to time this right.”

“I,” Finn starts, but he’s barely sure where he’s going with the sentence. All he knows is that he’s scared Poe might tell him that all this time meant nothing to him. He doesn’t know why he leaps to that, but he does. His boyfriend might find something better than him in the limelight, “I know. You’ve told me, and I get it, I do. It’s just difficult being so far away from you, and then…”

He feels himself drifting off into a cloud of numbness and nothing, but Poe interrupts the sentence, “I thought you’d be more supportive of my career.” Finn nearly jumps. The words don’t sound cold, per say. But it’s weird. The good old butterflies flutter hesitantly, sort of in question.

“I am, darling, I-” he sighs again, “I’ve always been. You’ve just seemed like you’re ready, and I got the feeling that your agent didn’t want you to, and-” “Phasma wants it.”

“But on Christmas, Poe. This Christmas. I’m just scared you’re…” Finn shakes his head at himself, decides to be completely honest, because that’s how relationships work. Right? “Waiting for the moment to end this.”

“End this?” his boyfriend’s voice raises just an octave, looking perpetually confused. He also, admittedly, looks pissed. Hurt. “Do you want to break up with me?”

“No! Why would I-

“You’re the one who brought it up.”

Finn rubs his eyes, feels like they’re on goddamn fire. Poe’s biting his lips, rummaging around after moving what he assumes is a more private room than before, and avoiding eye contact. They shouldn’t be doing this on the phone. They shouldn’t be doing this at all.

He wishes his boyfriend was next to him, so he could curl up on his chest and sleep the entire weekend. It’s all he wants.

Ultimately, Finn makes the suggestion, “Baby, I’m sorry, I just… why don’t I call you next time you’re free? Or can you… are you getting back anytime soon?”

He doesn’t know how to describe this feeling, what’s happening, in any other way than it seems like Poe’s on a different planet than him, drifting in a meteor rain.

What Finn doesn’t expect least of all is his boyfriend’s answer, “Nah, you know, if you feel like that, we should take a break. A breather.”

And Poe smiles, but he sees through that bullshit. It doesn’t reach his eyes.

He’s trying to play it cool. Fuck. Why are Finn’s eyes stinging, now?

“A break?”

“Yeah.”

That’s so much to process. Fucking process it. The protests are bubbling under his skin, boiling and ice cold at the same time, but he doesn’t get the time when the yells on the end of the world resume.

“I really should go.” Poe tells him, but he doesn’t sound like he wants to.

“Poe…” he tries to breathe around the butterflies currently panicking inside of him. He’d scream at them to stop for just five seconds, if he could. His boyfriend’s already getting up from the seat, which is why Finn pinches the bridge of his nose and tries not to look at him, “Okay. Okay.”

The silence that settles between them, then, until they end the call in confusion and boiled up emotion, is far from the comfort they’ve been accustomed to. It ends without a goodbye. Without an I love you.

So, naturally, he gets absolutely zero sleep that night.

*

Whenever Rey told them they were being overdramatic, she was probably right. This is no exception.

Ever since the damnation of their FaceTime call, Finn tried to get into his head what went down. Namely, him and his boyfriend speaking over each other’s heads. It settles in the morning, the realisation that Poe assumed the worst of what he said, while he himself didn’t understand why he couldn’t come home . Just one day. Just to talk this out.

But in a recognizable stubborn fashion, his boyfriend ignored his calls and texts for the weekend. Finn tried so, so hard not to get pissed again. But also, Poe actively avoiding him made him want to cry. Not being able to just hear his voice made him want to cry.

Naturally, the following week, when his boyfriend decided to reach out, Finn became the one to ignore all forms of contact. It felt like they were walking in circles.

This is new and raw territory.

Finn and Poe don’t fight. It’s a basic law of the universe. 

Which is why he doesn’t blame Rey for widening her eyes in shock at this new development. He also knows that she wants to intervene, badly so, given how protective she is of them, but because she’s lovely she always somehow knows when Finn needs his own space to think. Or scream into the void a little bit, whatever does the trick.

He’s pretty sure she didn’t expect this to go on for four months, now. He sure as hell didn’t expect it.

But… they’re both to blame. Finn’s pretty much dug himself a hole in the ground filling up with all his feelings, and as every week passes by, waits for his boyfriend to make the first move. He expects Poe to do the same. Nothing’s moving forward.

So, if Rey didn’t know him as she did, she’d ask him why.

Why don’t you just call him? He could. When his boyfriend stopped ignoring him, that is. Thing is, Finn’s world is sort of crumbling right now, and a confrontation with that isn’t something he can handle, he thinks.

It’s the thought of losing Poe for good. It’s the thought of Poe thinking Finn doesn’t want him anymore, when in fact he fears the exact opposite.

After watching that interview, though, he could breathe a little easier, he’ll admit.

And it’s weird. He felt inherently about a hundred times worse during it. The day after, he just kept thinking about Poe and his stupid curls and his nervous smile and what he might be doing while Finn was helping his sister with the dishes.

Maybe it’s knowing his boyfriend- ex-boyfriend (?) is okay. Does look more okay than himself.

It calms him. The next day, it makes Finn want to burn up all their polaroids and mail the ashes to the singers’ hotel in a massive envelope. As said before, this hole is deep, too deep, making it difficult to be rational.

A week after the interview, he’s just about on the edge to complete numbness.

Maybe he’s been reading those hilarious dumb gossip magazines whenever his boyfriend was on the cover. Shut up. If he acknowledges the ridiculousness of that, it’ll only make it worse.

Finn feels weak for being this torn up after a breakup… or break. He’s had breakups before Poe, but none of them hurt like this. Does it ever just fucking stop?

Apparently not, because when he picks up the phone with Rey’s name flashing, Finn expects it to be another question of what’s going on. How he’s doing, or not even a question, but an order to let her in as she’s probably already standing in front of his building carrying ice cream and bad horror movies.

He doesn’t get why she doesn’t just use the key he got her already, but it’s still endearing. Except, “Turn on the radio.”

“What?

“Finn, turn on your radio. Trust me.”

And so he scrambles around, the determination in her voice definitely not something to mess around with. Finn eventually uncovers it underneath the mountain of Poe’s vinyl records, and while his best friend doesn’t even tell him what station she’s referring to, he’s got a feeling about it. Also, it’s the first station that pops through the speakers when he turns it on, so.

Then, he has absolutely no idea what to listen for. The hosts are making some jokes about the song they’re gonna play next, thereozing about a “lost love” , and Finn’s about to ask until he realises Rey’s hung up on him, and a text.

just wait. u won’t regret it.

It’s too ominous for his best friend’s usual shenanigans. He’s a little worried.

But unlike the last hellish, unbelievable four months, Finn doesn’t have much time to worry, before the voices announce, “We present an exclusive live performance from our new favorite heartthrob, Poe Dameron!”

Oh God. Oh God, oh shit, oh my god.

Naturally, Finn’s anxiety kicks in like a punch in his gut.

In fact, he’s about to pull up his best friend’s contact again, sick of hearing the single that Poe wrote for him and not even being able to revel in the feeling anymore. Only it’s not ‘cardigan’.

Four months ago, a few days before they decided to take a break, his boyfriend sent him a couple of voice notes, containing lyrics and guitar pieces and other bits for the album he wanted Finn’s approval on. He always wanted his opinion first. It makes him all warm again.

This song, however, is brand new, unheard to everyone’s ears. Including Finn.

  “I'm doing good, I'm on some new shit

Been saying "yes" instead of "no"

I thought I saw you at the bus stop, I didn't though

I hit the ground running each night

I hit the Sunday matinée

You know the greatest films of all time were never made”

  The melody has the same calm like the other songs he’s heard, an image of fairytales and bare feet dancing in the woods and stars twinkling in the night.

The melancholy is unfamiliar, though.

  “I guess you never know, never know

And if you wanted me, you really should've showed

And if you never bleed, you're never gonna grow

And it's alright now”

  Finn’s thumb hovers over Rey’s contact name, but he can’t bring himself to move.

It’s the alright part. Except, despite how much he tries to lie to himself, he swears to everything god that his boyfriend’s voice breaks over the word. It’s subtle enough that the interviewers could pass it on as him being hoarse, he reasons, but Poe can’t fool him.

He wants him to be okay. Actually, no, because being okay means not missing Finn like Finn misses him, and that would hurt more than anything he can imagine. But also, he’s too far away for a reassuring hand. That’s why he wants him to be okay.

  “But we were something, don't you think so?

Roaring twenties, tossing pennies in the pool

And if my wishes came true

It would've been you”

  For some reason, it’s only then it settles into Finn’s mind.

Oh.

Oh.

The song keeps going, and his emotions keep going, from the chaotic jumbled mess he’s become accustomed to a quiet buzz. He feels like his breathing’s slowed down, and a pocket in his heart is being emptied onto the floor.

Poe feels exactly the same way, he imagines. He has to.

Finn’s abandoned his phone somewhere unknown between the couch cushions, and he’s stuck staring at the empty wine bottle he hasn’t had the energy to get rid of, his microwave dinner half eaten, until his ex-boyfriend’s song comes to an end.

‘the 1’ is the title. He doesn’t know if he’s crying or not, which sounds a bit dumb in his own head.

“Poe Dameron!” one of the interviewers yells obnoxiously, clearly trying to hold in their excited giggling, “Those were quite emotional lyrics. I’m guessing there’s a story there somewhere?”

Finn could roll his eyes into the next century at that comment. Jesus Christ.

The singer’s complained about these kinds of people before, of course, he chuckles, politely, hesitantly, probably spinning the best way to avoid opening that door of vulnerability on open air, “I think everyone writes from their own experience, really.”

His voice has the same elegance and softness and gruff that makes Finn think of home, despite the tinny speakers and distraction that vibes off of him, all the way over in the states. It’s unbelievable.

The interview keeps going in the most standard way possible, a couple more questions Poe subtly circles around (including about dating, obviously), some jokes, and they eventually get to that segment where the listeners can call in and ask their own question to the dreamy man.

Some are boring, some are weird, some are intrusive, some are just teen voices in awe of his relatability and what not, mountains of flattery which his boyfriend is all too shy and starstruck to handle.

Finn bites his lip.

They repeat the number of the radio twice. The programme ends at nine. That means about forty five minutes of fan questions.

He shouldn’t. This is ridiculous. But what if… what?

Poe’s voice somehow carries his hand to fish the phone up again, though, like a strike of magic. And then the tone sounds, one, two, three, and it’s too late to take it back now. Shit.

“You’re live! Can our next lucky listener introduce yourself and your question?”

He tries so hard, desperately so, to swallow around the lump in his throat, seeming impossibly massive. The eerie silence is simply too painful to bear, though, so Finn squeezes his eyes shut hard for two seconds, before forcing the reply out.

“Yes, uh, hi. This is Finn Solo. From Pennsylvania.”

A beat. “Pennsylvania?! Well, honey, that’s actually Poe Dameron’s home state, isn’t it?”

Two beats. The singer clears his throat. “Yeah.” Clearly, he recognizes his voice in an instant. Well, obviously, he’d be shocked if he didn’t. Still, Finn feels like curling up in a ball and hiding from the world. He wonders if Rey’s listening, right now.

The interviewer seems unfazed from Poe’s hesitated answer, or they just choose to ignore it, he supposes. “The floor is yours, Finn. Ask ahead!”

So… how is he supposed to do this, again? 

This is the worst idea Finn’s had in his entire life. Seriously. And he accepted Rey’s dare to swing all the way up and around the swingset in fifth grade, he’s well aware of what reckless looks like. This is it.

Still, he’s stuck now. Poe’s listening to him. Kind of forced to.

And against his own better judgement, Finn silences the million overthinking thoughts in his inner ear by simply saying whatever hits him first, “Did you mean what you said? In the song?”

Seconds feel like fucking hours right now.

“Sorry, can you-” one of the hosts start, but he feels moved to continue. “When did you write it?”

It’s low, the feedback of his boyfriend’s microphone can just be made out. He prays that was only comprehensible enough for Poe’s own ears, because Finn could never possibly live with himself if he outed the person he loves most in the world. Seems so, given the interviewer once again asks the singer in confusion.

“What do you say, Poe? Do you need, uh… for him to elaborate?”

“No.” the man says simply, shyness seemingly having faded away in a glimpse. “Finn, I wrote this back in May.”

Four months ago. Same month as their FaceTime call.

“Only a week after our call. Took me five hours. I needed to get every word just right.” Poe says those words so steadily it shocks Finn. His hand feels numb and itchy around the tiny device, and one of the hosts gasps.

“I-” he starts, but has no idea where to go, where to turn. Finn didn’t expect any of this tonight. A deep breath is needed, “Do you mean… you wrote it about me?”

He feels like an absolute idiot for asking, even doubting it, but given the emotional rollercoaster he’s been through up until now, he’s grasping for straws of confirmation. Poe chuckles, barely audible.

“All my songs are about you, darling.”

What the fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck. Another gasp is heard in the studio, a little louder this time, but he sends a silent thanks, still, to them being too taken aback to intervene.

Okay, these are definitely tears in Finn’s eyes, now.

One rolls down, cool against his hot cheek, and he almost wants to laugh widely, processing what’s happening over and over in his brain.

What’s mostly replaying is the nickname that he’s missed… too much.

If they were in the same room, in front of each other, alone , he could say and ask a million things. This conversation is impossibly too vulnerable for open air, but Finn really thinks, really, that this step was needed. At least, it’s something he’s been longing to hear.

Instead of breaking down in the happiness and sadness he’s feeling, instead of talking about the miscommunication they’ve been the victim of, he smiles. Can’t stop. It’s hurting his whole face, actually, but his chest feels endlessly lighter.

“If… uh,” Finn chuckles at himself again, him and his stupid emotions, probably laced obviously in his voice, “Is there a chance that you still want to write songs about me?”

Poe laughs back, warmer and wobblier than before. “Of course. Of-fucking-course. There’s no one else I’d rather write about.”

Those hosts over there are probably freaking out big time, but Finn can’t bring himself to care much.

They sigh rather in unison. Him and his boyfriend. Breathing shaky and yet steadying themselves, almost. Together.

“Okay. Okay. Thank fuck,” he finds himself sniffling, “Okay.”

“They’ll always be about you.”

[spectrumed]

8. book

I decided to start writing a book. A novel, it’s going to be fiction. It’s a big project. I dread big projects. I don’t feel as if I am ever able to complete them. It’s going to be left unfinished, why do I even bother? So many projects that I’ve started and never finished. I get an idea, then I can’t make myself do the actual work to make it a reality. Why do I think I can write a book when I can barely read books without becoming distracted and doing something else instead? I give up too easily. But, then again, do I really have it in me to produce something that is good? That people would want to read? Insecurity creeps in, telling me that I will fail. I fear failure. Of course I do, who doesn’t? Whenever people say that their greatest fear is failure, all I wonder is who out there is not afraid of failure? Is there someone out there with so much confidence that they absolutely do not in any way fear failure? Even narcissists technically fear failure, it is what leads them to such ridiculous overcompensation, putting on the facade of bravado to mask their actual dire sense of insecurity. Do not fall for the scams, no person is truly without self-doubt. (Well, I guess maybe psychopaths, but there’s a whole lot of things amiss with them.)

Ever since I was a kid, I’ve entertained myself by coming up with stories, fictional universes that I would populate with characters of my own invention. When I was a kid, what I really wanted was to become a comic book writer and artist. Well, in between other gigs I imagined would suit me, including at one point wanting to be a “singing farmer,” as I put it. Still, I’ve always returned to fiction and storytelling. There’s something about creating a world that lets you so fully distract yourself from all the stressful daily hullabaloo that goes on around you. Escapism, it’s fun, it’s therapeutic, I think. There’s a reason why humans have been telling each other stories for millennia, since even before we lived in houses. Back when we were all huddled around the fire, wearing our best comfortable animal furs, sharing tales of the hunt. Your uncle who once took part in killing a mammoth, the impressive beast nearly gorging him with its big tusks. How clever he was when he noticed that the mammoth had one leg weaker than the others, and used that to his advantage. How the entire hunting party banded together to bring the behemoth down, getting all that meat to feed their families with for months! Stories make you feel good. Like as if you have something to celebrate, even when you might be starving due to the more recent hunts not having gone as well. Damn that saber-tooth tiger that killed your uncle…

Storytelling is linked to acting. Both with acting and with storytelling you have to commit. Whatever you are doing, whatever role you are performing, you have to sell it. You may be on stage talking about that time you went scuba diving with your future wife, and how you encountered an oyster with the most magnificent pearl inside, and how you made a ring for the pearl and used it when you proposed to her. You have to sell it. You have to get the audience laughing, gasping, crying, going “aww,” feeling as if they were there with you that day. Of course, they don’t know it is all just lies. You made it up. It’s all fiction. But you committed, so they won’t ever know. Storytelling is a gift to others, people will appreciate you if you tell good stories, but you’re also kinda deviant. Even if it’s technically based on a true story, you’ve certainly added your embellishments. You’re a trickster, a devious individual. No wonder actors have historically been seen as dubious folks. They come into town, romances all the young women and men, telling them big tales of their lives on the road, and they can’t possibly know if you are telling the truth or not. You may just be lying. You probably are lying. Let’s be honest, you’ve probably not told a single true thing in your life.

I am bad at the hustle. No, I can talk quite well, and I can keep people’s attention for a long while. But I can’t be a huckster. Going out there, putting myself on the line hoping people will swallow my bullshit. I can’t really avoid speaking from my heart when I do speak. Or when I write, as I happen to be doing now. This blog has so far been thoroughly candid in places, in such a way I may come across like I’m at a confessional. Not that I have much evil to confess, but I can’t help but be transparent. I can’t flip into different kinds of personalities, each with its own schemes and plots, being some master manipulator, someone who you can never figure out what they're truly up to, or what they truly want. No, what I am is clearly written on my face. I’ve got one self, and it is the one before you. He’s hairy, and tall, and a bit of a dork. I am happy to talk to you, to engage with you, but I won’t be anyone but myself. I am me. I hope that’ll do.

Of course you are familiar with all those pick-up artists that plagues the internet. Or well, not just the internet. Go into any old-fashioned bookstore (where they store books on paper, not in digital code,) and you are bound to find some sleazy book written by a sleazy guy about how to sleazily seduce women. Those books don’t want you acting like me. According to them, seduction is all about manipulation. To figure out the very right thing to say to get women to fawn all over you. They don’t want you to be sincere, telling the truth as you see it. Nah, you gotta keep that stuff bottled up, deep down inside your soul, because most likely, your true self is ugly. It’s interesting how you can get little details from these pick-up artists depending on the sort of things they say, the tips they provide. The fact that all of them seem to harbour this festering misogyny is no big surprise, but every so often, you get these little glimpses of these people’s true worldview, one where power is everything, true love is a fallacy, and happiness is a lie manufactured by Hollywood to make us all into docile consumers. No wonder the “red-pill” so often leads to people taking the “black-pill.” First hucksters will lure you in, telling you that they’ve got the secret as to how to be a success, then when they’ve got you isolated, they reveal to you how truly misanthropic and bleak their actual beliefs are.

I am fascinated with cults, for much of the same reason why I am fascinated with storytelling. What is a cult leader if not just a great storyteller? They’re something like the modern day shaman, capable of spellbinding people with their weird idiosyncratic way of speaking. High-functioning people with autism are often said to have an idiosyncratic way of speaking. No, I am not suggesting that cult leaders are all somewhere on the spectrum, though it wouldn’t surprise me if some famous cult leaders did turn out to have been on the spectrum. However, for an autistic person to become a cult leader, I think they would have to be a true believer, and not some fraud just looking to scam others. Ultimately, no autistic person would want to surround themselves with people unless they truly do believe it is essential, to like, save mankind from damnation or something. It’s the difference between sincerity and insincerity. It is difficult for autistic people to be insincere, as insincerity requires a lot of social skills that autistic people struggle with. Having to juggle all these balls in the air, making sure you keep the big lie going, that you remember to change your behaviour depending on who you are speaking to in order to keep them from figuring out that you’re a bullshitter. Hollow people are great at being insincere. People like L. Ron Hubbard, the founder of the highly profitable cult that is Scientology, was at his core a hollow individual. He had no problems twisting the minds of the people around him, because he never felt a need to be sincere. If an autistic person were to become a cult leader, I can guarantee you that it wouldn’t be a profitable cult. Nah, autistic people aren’t in it for the money, we’re all about keeping it real.

Being a sincere person, surely I should be able to write a novel and make it feel earnest. Like it was delivered with passion, because I wouldn’t be able to write anything that wasn’t true to myself. Well, I do hope so. Having something I’ve made be referred to as genuine is something I see as a great compliment. I’m a student of art history, I’ve made some “serious” art before, I know how terrible art can be when it is not delivered with good faith. Sure, some art is cynical, or ironic, but even then, it tends to come from a real place. Good artists, even when they’re fully armed with the dada mindset, must believe in what they are doing. Whether they are doing it for a laugh or not, that’s irrelevant. Even if all you wish is to be silly and make something that is comical, you have to believe in what you are creating. Or else people won’t bother engaging with it. Why look at a painting by someone who is just interested in making money? Insincere artists do exist, and they can end up becoming quite successful, but ultimately, history won’t be kind to them. Damien Hirst comes to mind, heard he's into NFTs now.

Sure, I don’t like insincere people. Does that make me a bigot? Like, it’s not as if they can help themselves. It’s just who they are, spineless maggots with no soul. It doesn’t mean we have to hate them. No, no, no... I am just generalising. Don’t go thinking there’s just two kinds of people in the world, the sincere and the insincere. It’s not a binary. Most people are both, just like with introverts and extroverts, humans are complex. But there are definitely those that decide to feed into their insincere side, realising that it is often the key to success. Through insincerity, you learn to let go of self-doubt, you stop worrying so much about what others think of you, because you are never truly yourself. If they hate you, then so what? They don’t actually hate you, they just hate a role that you are playing. So what if you seduced that woman, made her feel as if you were the perfect match, then you ghosted her and completely forgot about her? It’s her fault for falling for your tricks. You were clearly just playing the game, being a super-seducer, she should have known better. By embracing insincerity, it’s like gaining a superpower. No longer do you have to care about the impact you have on others, no longer do you have to worry about what it means to be a social human being making choices that affect the others around you. Because you’re not the person they think you are. Actually, you’re not quite sure you’re the person you think you are… Who are you?

I’ve got the plot all laid out in my head for the novel. It’s going to be based in the fantasy world that I’ve been working on for the last few years. I’ve been working on this world for almost half a decade now, come to think of it. Why do I keep feeling as if I am never able to keep to a project, when I’ve clearly been working on a massive project all this time? Sure, it’s all just in my head, but it’s not as if most people have the kind of patience to keep going back to a single big project, even if it is just in their head. Not once, while thinking about my fantasy world have I been distracted and started thinking about cute puppies, instead. And you know how difficult that is. Maybe I am too hard on myself. Maybe I will finish this book, and maybe people will want to read it. Maybe it will even get a minimal number of angry reviews, like, I may get a book published without some folks trying to harass me into committing suicide for daring to think I can write. Some people may even be enthusiastic, blowing up my ego with great praise. Maybe someone will come along and tell me that they want to buy the rights to make my book into a movie or a television series. Maybe I will get rich? Maybe I will get famous! Woo! Success here I come!

Well, no, here I go being insincere. That’s not what it’s about. I should be writing this book because I want to write it. Because I want to prove to myself that I am able to write it. Sure, it’s not as if there’s not a little brain goblin inside my mind whispering sweet nothings about how one day I might turn out a real respected author. One with real fans that gets to do big book tours talking about how brilliant I am, how brilliant my work is, and how brilliant things are going for me. I am not going to pretend I don’t have the same aspirations for success that others have. Inside of me you will find the same greedy piglet of an ego hungry for more adoration and more validation that you will find in any person. Humans don’t know when to quit, we always want more. But I am at least safe knowing that I will never debase myself, descending to the same depths as those inhabited by soulless grifters who go through life abusing the trust of others in order to get by. I’m sincere, in the end. I always turn out sincere, in the end. I am a good boy.

And I am also really sexy. I don’t think I’ve mentioned this before on this blog, but I am really, REALLY, sexy. Like, you wouldn’t believe it. Oh, I am so hot. And if you follow and subscribe and hit that bell, I will teach you how you can be just as sexy as I am! And buy my book! And my merch! And my new single! And of course, my new cryptocurrency, by the name of “autism-coin.” It’s going to be a real success on 4chan, let me tell ya!

[rainbowglittr]

Love and Marriage - Chapter 10 (Mature, Minors DNI)

Description:

After a loss in the family uncovers a family secret, Jaleia and her husband Jesse are forced to balance one family crisis after another along with their budding careers and their plans to expand their family. Will the pressure to keep everyone else together ruin their own relationship? Can ruined relationships be fixed before it’s too late?

Chapter 10:

Jesse's POV

I opened the door to our hotel room. I slept on the plane and I was still tired.

"Ooooooh." Diana said walking into the room behind me. We had a two room suite. I turned to Diana.

"Pick whatever room you want, shake out the blankets, and sleep. We got a busy day tomorrow. Or today." I rubbed my face. Diana slept on the plane and now was wide awake, touching everything in the room.

"Di, go to bed, I'm tired."

"Sorry, I'm just so excited. I can't even sleep! We haven't been here in so long. Thanks for bringing me. Oooh, let me take pictures by the window." She ran to the window.

"I'm going to bed, don't do anything crazy. Night." I said.

"Kay, night Jess!" She said

I found the bigger room and collapsed on the bed.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>

"I miss you already, babe! I couldn't sleep." Jaleia said. I was face timing her before me and Diana left for the day. It was 5AM her time but 8AM in Cali.

"I miss you too, love. I haven't had to go away in a while. "

"I know. I hated it when you lived in L.A."

"Yeah, you kept telling me."

"So what's the schedule like?"

"Today me and Di are hanging out. This week and next I'm working with the new artists. The week after next is when I work with some famous people."

"Sounds fun. I'm going back to sleep. Love you."

"Alright baby, don't over sleep. Love you."

I hung up. I grabbed my wallet and keys and walked out the room. Our suite was nice, it had two rooms, a common area, a bathroom and a small kitchen area. It looked expensive as hell so I was glad that the studio was paying for it. I make decent money but sure as hell not enough to stay here for three weeks. Maybe not even 3 days.

I walked to Di's room and knocked on her door. After the "incident" we've all been more aware of knocking first.

"Di are you done? We gotta go!" I yelled through the door.

"Almost! I just gotta find the right shoes!"

"Well hurry up! We gotta pick up the rental car." I said. Because we were going to be here for a few weeks I got a rental to make it easier to get around. Having lived her before I knew the traffic was going to be shit.

>>>>>>>>>>>>

Diana had not stopped talking since we left the hotel. It was making my head spin. We had just picked up the rental, and now we were now on our way to see the Hollywood Star Walk of Fame. Diana had been bugging me to take her. And as I predicted we were stuck in traffic.

"And hopefully we have time to go to Universal or Disneyland or world or whatever the one on cali is called. I can't wait to take selfies. What do you-"

"Di."

"I cannot wait so see L.A, like really see it.-"

"Diana."

"I'm just so Excited!!"

"DIANA!"

"What?"

"Just a second of silence, please." I said.

"Sorry." She said.

"Don't be, my head is killing me." I said which wasn't exactly a lie but I felt bad for killing her joy.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>

We got back to the hotel at midnight. Diana made me feel old. She dragged me everywhere on the Hollywood Stars to find her favorite stars. My feet and back hurt. I was done.

My phone rang and I groaned. I had spread out on the couch in the room while Di took a shower. I looked at the screen. Jaleia was face timing me. I answered.

"Hey Jess!" Jaleia said. She looked like she was in our bed.

"Hey bae." I said, trying to keep my eyes open.

"Awww, you look tired, how was your day? Diana drag you around?"

"Hell yeah! We went to the Hollywood Walk of fame. When I tell you I'm tired. I'm done! It was fun but damn."

"Aww, you're a good older bro. You look so tired. It's adorable."

"Woman, I am not adorable. I'm a man. I'm not adorable. "

"Yes you are! So cute when you're tired. I'll let you get some rest, make sure you call me. I love you."

"I promise I'll talk more tomorrow. I love you, bae. Bye."

"Bye."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

The first few days in the studio were great. They knew what they wanted, what sound they were going for and they were already talented in music. There were three artists this week, Alana who was looking for a pop sound, Smoke R&B, Jazmyne soul. We worked on about three tracks in for each of them. When I'm in L.A it's a much bigger song writing and producing team. I got my man Dre, best friend since NYU, who produces, JD, Dre, Mandy all produce, and Mark, Green, and J.T and I all write. We do melodies and help produce as well but mostly we do the lyrics. I produce as well but my strength is in the lyrics. It's a lot of noise in the studio with more six people and usually it's hard to work like that but we've been doing it together for years and we're able to cut through all the nice to get the sound it words we need. We usually work in teams to produce an album.

Diana had been having a good time from what I could see hanging around the studio and watching us work. Anytime I could fit in I took her to different places around L.A, mostly places to eat because that's all we had time for. She couldn't get over the fact I used to live here before I got married. It was so hard to move but I had to, Jay couldn't since she was in her residency. But someday we're moving back. I had Diana on lunch duty, so she could get out from the studio for a moment. She picked up our lunch when it was within walking distance. She didn't mind because she once ran into Luke James and hasn't stopped talking about it since. So she volunteers to get lunch now.

On Wednesday, everyone decided to go out for lunch. I let Diana go with them since Dre was going and I knew he would look out after her like I would. He's known her since she was seven. I stayed behind to finish a track we were working. It was just me in the studio and I was so into working I didn't hear someone enter.

"Jess! How are you?" Imani Redd walked into the room. She was wearing a bra and those shorts girls wear where their whole ass is out. She hadn't changed much since I had last seen her in person except her hair was now blonde. She still looked good. I got up from my chair.

"Hey Imani." I said.

She laughed and said "You don't have to be so formal. We good. You looking hella nice. You didn't dress like that when we were together." She gave me a tight hug.

"What's up?" I said sitting down again.

"I heard I would be working with you and just wanted to swing by and say hello. I know we didn't leave on the best terms-"

"Fucking understatement of century there." I said, crossing my arms.

"But I wanted to make sure we were cool and that you knew how very sorry I am for doing that to you. You didn't deserve that. I loved you, I really did. I hate that I screwed it up, especially for a guy that wasn't even worth it. Are we good?" She said walking toward my chair. She bent down in front of my chair, putting her hands on the armrests of the chair. I leaned back to get her breasts out my face.

"Cause if we're not, I'm sure I can make it up to you." She whispered in my ear. I started to sweat.

"Um, we're good, what's in the past is in the past, there's no need to bring ANY of it back up. I'm actually glad what happened, happened, I wouldn't have met my WIFE if it hadn't." I said, rolling my chair back. She turned around and like I figured, almost her entire ass was out. As she bent down in front of me to pick some imaginary object off the floor, I stared at the ceiling.

"That's too bad," she said, now standing over my legs, putting her hand on my shoulder. "Cause I love to make a man happy and I've only gotten better. Congrats on getting married, Jess. I'll see you later. And please let me know if you need anything." She slid her hand down my chest slightly brushing my crotch. Her hips swayed as she walked out the room. I let out the breath I was holding in. I wasn't scheduled to work with her until the last week I was here but I could already tell she was going to be a problem.

>>>>>>>>

It was past 2AM in the morning as we sat and talked in the studio. Diana had passed out on the couch. All the artists had gone home and it was just Dre, Green, J.D and me left still trying to finish some tracks. Admittedly we stopped working a while ago.

"So you used to bag Imani?" Green said. Green was a 35 year old white guy who slept with any girl who would sleep with him. He's been divorced five times, all for the same reason - infidelity. He was a terrible partner but a great somgwriter.

"I used to date her, yes."

"How was she?" Green asked. Green was also a pothead, and had a few edibles earlier. He was still as vile sober as he was high. I wouldn't let him eat them anywhere near the studio, since I had Diana with me. Usually I didn't care but she was staring to get better and she wasn't going to pick up bad habit now.

"You know I don't talk about women like that. Especially since I'm married. " I said.

"Hmm. Yeah you let your wife whip you. But I would love to get that Imani in the sack. She got it all."

"I'm not whipped." They all gave me a look.

"Y'all think I'm whipped? Trippin."

"Nah, man I hate to say it, but she got you wrapped around her finger. Ain't nothing wrong, that's your girl. But hell yeah you whipped." Dre said.

"I'm not fucking whipped."

"I bet you had to beg her to come here. Especially once she found out about Imani. " J.D said.

"We talked about it but I ain't got to beg for shit!"

"Yeah, okay man." J.D said.

"I'm not whipped!"

"What happened between you and Imani anyway?" J.D asked.

"She did him dirty as hell. Played his ass." Dre said.

"We were engaged and she was cheating on me for months. I only found out because I walked in on her with another guy."

"Damn. She really had you going."

"He really acting like she wasn't shady before that though." Dre said.

"How was I supposed to know?"

"This nigga really gon ask that? She used to "go away" for the weekend and have "late night recording sessions" and never could show him a demo. You know that this nigga right here wrote like seven songs for her? Almost her whole first damn album. She played the hell out of you. I even told your stupid ass that she was doing you wrong. And you ain't want to hear it." Dre said.

"I was young and in love." I said. When he put it like that I did sound stupid for not knowing she was using me.

"More like young and dumb as hell!" J.D said. They all laughed.

"And you had the nerve to be all depressed afterwards, acting like you ain't know she was no good. I got sick of your Mopey ass. I guess the sex was that good. But I got to say you married well." Dre said.

"I did, didn't I? Well it's not like you had it together either. Remember that girl who tried to claim that you were her deadbeat baby daddy?" I said.

"Oooooohhhhh. She was a fucking nightmare. Almost ruined my relationship." Dre said. J.D's jaw dropped. We had met J.D after we got out of college.

"Followed him around campus everywhere. Dressed the kid just like him. You've dated some crazy ones, don't play me like that!" I said.

"Look, I would cheat on my girlfriend just to hit that ass. Imani got that ass." Green said.

"We know." We all said at once.

"I would never cheat. My girl would kill me if she ever found out." J.D said.

"I never want to lose my wife again. Not again. " Dre said.

"You cheated on Eva?"

"Before we got married, we were engaged. Wasn't worth it, it was the worst mistake I ever made. I would never do that again. And Jess is too whipped to even think about cheating. " Dre said.

"Fuck you... But you right about that." I said as they laughed.

"I know what it's like to be cheated on, so I would never do that her." I said.

"But you got to admit that Imani is fine. You would hit that again if you were single. "

"I'm happily married."

"He didn't say no."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

"So what are you trying to say with the hook because it's really confusing. Is the relationship worth saying or not?" I said to Jazmyne. We were finishing up one of her songs and the chorus just didn't flow right.

"What I'm trying to say is I don't know what I want from the relationship. I guess I could make that more clear."

"Yeah, I really want that point driven home in the chorus. You're stuck between two feelings and you just want something worth fighting for."

"Oh my God, that's it!"

"Let's try it." I picked up my guitar and started to strum the melody.

Baby I'm stuck in the middle,

Of this one single issue

Don't know what I'm saying

And you seem to think I'm playing

Not sure if I don't want your love

Cause it feels like it's from above

I'm sick of being ignored

I just want a love worth fighting for

I just want a love worth fighting for

Jazmyne sang.

"I love that! I like the switched melody, and I love that new line. You are a freaking genius!"

"Nah, you did all the work. You ready to lay the vocals down for real?" I said.

"Yes!" She went into the recording booth, a couple of takes on the chorus and she was done.

"How does it feel to have all of the tracks to your first album ?"

"I'm so freaking excited! This shit was lit. So what happens next?"

"You're going to pick your favorites, and the ones you don't want on the album. You'll play it for some executives on the label and they'll give you feedback, you skim the tracklist and songs down more, hopefully get it approved. And then work on the cover art. They'll give you a date and some promo, and your album will be released. There's a bunch of other bull in between that but that's really it."

"I'm so excited. Wow that's a lot. But I'm so happy with everything, thanks for your help. Can I listen to them all?"

"Sure, they'll be unfinished of course."

"Yeah, it's fine. Thanks." I handed her some headphones.

Alana was almost done with her album. Jazmyne was done with hers. Smoke however, had a lot more to be done.

Usually writing an album takes several months and it did for them. We were just here to polish the songs they had, write any ones they were missing, and really curate the style they were trying to have and finish the demo album.

It was my second week in L.A and it had been great so far. Last weekend I took Diana to Disneyland and we had a great time. She was such a good sport about being cooped up in a studio for so long I really wanted to do something special. It was Friday night and it was going to be another night spent at the studio.

My phone started vibrating on the control panel. I put down my guitar and looked at screen. Jaleia's face lit up. I answered, propped my phone up nearby and started to strum my guitar lightly.

"Hey Jess!"

"Hey Love, what's up?"

"I miss you. I'm sorry I keep saying it and calling you and-"

"I never get tired of you. Call me anytime."

"How's Di?"

"She's having fun, I'm sure she'll tell you allllllllll about it when we get home."

"I feel kinda stupid."

"Why?"

"I cried cause I missed you so much. The house is a mess, I've been late so much lately. I can't wait for you to come back."

"Aww, I'm sorry baby. It's only one more week. I miss you too."

"I know."

"Did you see all the organization tips I left you? I know it's hard for you to adjust your schedule suddenly. "

"One of the worst parts of ADHD I guess. Your wife's a mess. What's new?"

"Jay, you're not a mess, don't talk like that. What you up to tonight? You look cute." She had a low cut silky night shirt on.

"Um, I am having a sleepover with the girls. I finally convinced everyone. A quiet girls night. Movies, wine, snacks and shit. Should be fun. I'm really lonely, please come home soon."

"I'll be home real soon, alright."

"Oh and Jess? I found your present. And it's beautiful. I'm wearing it now. I always wanted a tennis bracelet! Now I get to brag about how great you are. When you get home, you will get the biggest thank you ever. Whatever you want. Trust me."

"I knew you'd like it. And I'm looking forward to that thank you."

"I have a little sneak peak of something I bought for you." She said and pulled her shorts down a little so I could see the top of her lace panties.

"You like these?" She said pulling her shorts back up.

"Hell yeah, you look sexy. I'm still on the studio Jay, so I gotta call you back. I love you, Jay?"

"Yeah?"

"I really miss you too. You're amazing and I love you! Have fun tonight."

"Love you too Jess! I'll talk to you later!"

[staticscreenwriting]

It sounds so sweet // Angel Reyes

Synopsis: Lips of an Angel by Hinder is a cheesy song but it makes for a good story.

A/N: I have wanted to write about Angel since I watched the first episode. Please let me know your thoughts :) thanks. 

I guess we never really moved on It's really good to hear your voice saying my name It sounds so sweet Coming from the lips of an angel

The wind is softly blowing through the curtains of the open window. The air is hot and sticky that night and Angel can hardly bear to sleep with even the sheets covering his body. His skin sticks to Bianca’s like they’re one person instead of two and it’s driving him crazy. How is anyone supposed to sleep like this.

He thinks back to another hot night many summers ago with another girl. Only that was different because the girl was different. Back then he couldn’t get close enough and if it meant he was forever intertwined with her, he would’ve done it in a heartbeat just so he didn’t have to let go.

But that was another life. Things were different then. He was different then.

There’s no sleeping happening anytime soon so he entangles his limbs from Bianca’s, crawls out of the bed and grabs his phones and cigarettes.

Sitting on the front porch in only his boxers and a wifebeater shirt feels way better than being stuck to another person and covered by what felt like a shit ton of fabric.

He takes one puff of the cigarette, then another as he stares into the night sky and wonders. Angel will never let anyone know this because he has a reputation to uphold after all, but his mind works on overdrive sometimes. Like there’s so many thoughts and they’re all so loud and none of them make proper sense. And he can’t explain it either. EZ is the one with the photographic memory. The smart one. He’s just — just Angel.

(Y/N) always understood, even when he didn’t. And when she didn’t understand she was there for him anyway. To let him ramble or just hold him.

It’s on cigarette number 2 that his phone starts to ring. Not the burner phone. His actual cellphone.

When he sees the name on the display he can’t suppress the chuckle leaving his lips. It’s not one of amusement though. He thinks that maybe the universe is playing a trick on him or it wants to fuck him over. He doesn’t know.

Why today of all days she’s calling him, he has no idea. There have been days where he hardly thought of her. So caught up in family shit and club business that there was no time to wallow in self pity in think back to the one meaningful relationship he ever had. The one he ruined for dumb and ultimately selfish reasons.

For a moment he thinks about ignoring the call, pretending like he didn’t hear it. But this is (Y/N), his (Y/N). She’s the one person outside of his family that can call him at any day of the year, at any time.

(Y/N) was, and he assumes still is, this wonderful warmth in his world. This bright light in the darkness. One good thing in a life that is so tainted by misery. By his mother dying, EZ getting locked up, his dad shutting everyone out. By all the things he’s seen and done with and for the club.

(Y/N) is that one spark that keeps reminding him there is good in the world. Even if it hasn’t been in his life for a few years now.

When he picks up, it feels like there’s a knot in his tongue and he’s unable to say anything. Like some stupid teenager or something. It’s ridiculous and he’s acknowledging that alright, but that’s just the effect she has on him.

“ Angel ? “ it’s been too long since he’s heard her voice. It feels really good. Especially when she’s saying his name. It sounds sweet. Like it comes straight from the heart. There’s no sultry promise of pleasure. No expectations. No disappointment, like when his father says it.

It’s like it was some kind of ethereal being that softly lulled his name into the phone.

“ Angel ? “ he notices then, that he still hasn’t said a word. He’s just too overcome with a mess of emotions to reply. It makes him feel so weak and out of control.

“ I’m sorry I called. I shouldn’t have called I — “

“ — no it’s okay “.

Really it’s not. Those are not the boundaries he set when he broke up with her. He wanted to quit this relationship cold turkey. To spare her the heartbreak of having to see him chose the club over her. When he joined the MC he knew she’d have to take be on the backburner for a while and she didn’t deserve that. She deserved the world. A world that was safe and happy. His was all but those things. And the last thing Angel ever wanted was to drag her into a life of constantly dancing on the tightrope between legality and crime.

And maybe, if he’s being completely honest with himself, maybe he also didn’t trust himself then. He was younger and more reckless and there were women at the club all but throwing themselves at him. He couldn’t even imagine the heartbreak he would cause (Y/N) if he ever as much as slipped up and touched another girl.

“ It’s so good to hear your voice “ she says and Angel can tell she’s been crying. It breaks his heart to think of her being sad. That’s all he ever wanted to shelter her from. Crying girls in itself he can hardly deal with, that is his soft spot for sure. But (Y/N) crying ? His girl crying ? That is an absolute no.

Only she isn’t his girl anymore. He has to remind himself of that.

“ Honey, why are you crying, is everything okay? “ it’s not like him to outright show that he’s concerned about someone, especially a girl. But this woman has been by his side when he was so close to the edge. There isn’t ever gonna be an instance where he doesn’t worry. Where he doesn’t care.

His heart is hers for the taking and he knows that’s fucked up because he’s the one who took it away from her again. But it will always be hers and that’s the sad truth of it all. So he buries the feelings deep down for no one to see and distracts himself with meaningless sex and fleeting flings with girls who are nice enough but don’t mean shit in the long run.

EZ doesn’t know that half of Angel’s heart is permanently missing because he let her go, pushed her away. His dad doesn’t either.

They don’t have to. EZ and Emily, that’s the tragic love story of this family. The one that comes with longing glances and questions of what-if. That’s the Hollywood worthy tragedy being put on show for anyone to witness and wallow in pain with the protagonists.

Angel would suffer in silence while hoping that he made that right decision.

“ I uh — sorry I’m calling so late. I just had a shit day at work and just went through some old pictures and came across some of us. I found one of us and EZ and Em and your dad. When they went to prom and your mom made us dress nice so we’d look good on a photo with them, do you remember ? “

Of course he remembers. Those were the days he was happiest. Those are the memories he goes back to when things get too overwhelming and sad and dark. When he hates himself too much for becoming such a bitter old fuck.

“ Yeah. Of course I do. I looked ridiculous. “

“ You looked handsome “

He blushes a little and immediately scolds himself for that. He’s in an MC for fucks sake. Bikers don’t blush because girls call them handsome.

Only he does anyway.

There’s a moment of silence between them but even through the phone they can both feel just how heavy the air is. How many unspoken words are hanging there. How many feelings they both forbid themselves to feel.

His eyes wander towards the front door. There’s a girl in there who worships the ground he walks on. Who dotes on him like a fucking housewife. It’s not fair to her to do this. But it’s not fair to lie to her either. To pretend like he’s perfectly in love and satisfied and happy when he’s not.

“ Angel ? “

“ Sorry It's kinda hard to talk right now. I gotta whisper 'cause I can't be too loud “.

She takes a moment to reply and he hates himself even more now.

“ Is there — are you having a girl over ? “

What’s he supposed to say ? No ? That would be a lie ? Yes ? That’s just gonna hurt her. But he’s never been a liar. Not to the people he loves most at least.

“ Kinda yeah “

“ You seeing someone ? “

“ Mmh “

“ Oh “

“ Yeah “

“ Does she know you have an ex-wife ? “

“ Wife. You’re still my wife. “ he doesn’t really know why it means so much to him to set that fact straight, but it does. It means everything.

“ Wife. So does she ? “

“ Nah. I don’t think she has a clue “

And then she laughs and it’s like a million suns rising at once and that stupid butterfly metaphor finally makes sense. God, he’s missed her so much.

“ I guess we never really moved on, have we ? “

“ No “ he’s never going to but she doesn’t need to know that. Maybe it just takes her some time to forget him. That would be the ideal situation, he thinks. For her at least. To forget him and start a life she deserves with a man who can give her more than Angel could ever imagine giving to her.

He remembers one time he saw her at a grocery store with some guy who looked like he was as rich as he was cocky. They had an awkward conversation and the dude clearly didn’t like the way the two were still so familiar with each other. He started a huge fight outside of the store. Angel wanted to step in then but it wasn’t his place then and (Y/N) managed alright by herself, getting into her car and leaving the guy stranded on the curb. She never needed his help and yet he always offered because that’s what good husbands do.

“  Hey uh — about that rich kid I saw you with that one time. Does he know you're talking to me? Will this start a fight? Cause if it does, just let me know. I’ll teach that dude some manners. Tell him how to fucking treat a woman “.

She laughs again. His heart grows 3 sizes.

“ Angel, there is no ‘he’ anymore. I went on a few dates with him. The last time I saw him was that day when I left him at the grocery store. He was controlling and mean and he was jealous of you “

“ Jealous of me ? Why would a rich boy be jealous of me ? I mean, I know I’m good looking but still “

“ Because I love you and I will never love him “.

He’s not sure if that’s the moment he dies or actually starts to live. He knows his mom loved him. He knows EZ loves him. Most of the time he assumes his dad loves him. And for a long time he was sure of the fact that (Y/N) loved him. But that was the past. He thought that this was well over. With how he has treated her and all. With the pushing away. The no contact.

And yet after all their love apparently persisted.

Maybe they weren’t the tragic love story. Maybe they were the one that would last in the end.

“ You know, I dreamt of you the other day. And no it was not a sex dream “

“ Were we fighting giants squids again ? “ she asks, laughter clouding her words.

“ Nah. No squids this time. “

He also misses this about her. He could be so silly with her. Never annoying or dumb. With her it was endearing. It’s like for a short time he could shed the tough outer shell that has been built over time and just be dorky and fun. Like he got to be a kid again.

“ Was just you and I on a bike driving along the coast. Wasn’t anything special .”

“ That sounds lovely “

“ Yeah it does, doesn’t it”

“ Angel “ her voice is serious again and it scares him a little. “ I know why you broke up with me. I know that you thought that pushing me away and getting out of the relationship, the marriage, was gonna make me chase a dream that I didn’t even really have. Something you thought was bigger than you. Bigger than what we had and could have. You’ve done this with EZ before. You do it a lot. But maybe for once you should stop and think about what you deserve and that maybe you are the dream I’m chasing. Let yourself be happy for once. “

“ I don’t deserve you “

“ Yes you fucking do ! Angel I love you more than I have ever loved another person in my entire life. That has been a fact for years and it’s still a fact. It kills me to know that you deny yourself this happiness because you don’t think you’re worthy. Which isn’t true but even if it was. Suck it up, man. Some things you don’t have to earn. Some things you are just given. No fees. Nothing asked for in exchange. I love you. I love you still “.

There’s a girl inside his house, inside his bed. She’s tangled in his sheets and wearing his shirt. He has gorgeous eyes and luscious curls and a great smile.

And as he walks through the door and into the bedroom he knows that breaking that girls heart might just be the first thing he’ll ever do right in his life.

Her door is cherry red, like the lipstick marks she used to leave on his cheek. The ones EZ and his dad would always tease him about. The ones Angel wore like a trophy.

When he knocks, his mind is silent but his heart is beating a thousand miles an hour.

It doesn’t take a minute for her to open the door and be in his arms and my god, she’s so warm and soft and familiar.

And he still doesn’t think he deserves even a second of her time, an ounce of her love. But if she’s willing to give, who is he to deny ?

Her lips on his is a feeling so familiar and comfortable and yet so exciting still. He never wants to stop feeling this way.

“ You wanna come in ? “ she asks jokingly after they pull away, having to breath after all.

“ Yeah. Yeah I do. And I never wanna say goodbye “

“ You know what ? “ she says and placed another soft kiss on his lips “ maybe you don’t have to. “

The wind is softly blowing through the curtains of the open window. The air is hot and sticky that night and Angel can hardly bear to sleep with even the sheets covering his body. (Y/N) is cuddled into his side, her skin sticking to his like glue. Angel looks down at her, places a kiss on her head and pulls her even closer.

Maybe sometimes we’re granted a little spark of light in times of darkness. Maybe without being deserving of them. Without having done anything to earn them. Maybe we only get them for a little while.

Maybe forever.

[spotlightsaga]

Kevin Cage of @spotlightsaga reviews... Playing House (S03E01) Cookie Jar Airdate: June 23, 2017 @usanetwork Ratings: 0.381 Million :: 0.15 18-49 Demo Share Score: 8/10 **********SPOILERS BELOW********** Listen, I know scheduling can be stressful, invasive, turbulent entity to tackle in the world of the multi-project, hustle & bustle of Hollywood... But, USA Network, if you ever make me wait 2 years between seasons of Jessica St Clair & Lennon Parham's sleeper comic goldmine hit, 'Playing House', me and youse... We gonna have problems! Not like the kind of white-washed, Pinebrook aging human condition, relationship problems... But more like the lethal takedown Cookie Jar problems. Oh yeah, I'll be snapping 'solar-plexus'! Nah, USA Network, I'm just kidding... We're all good. The fact that USA continues to give these two incredibly talented, insightful and funny strong women a platform for this type of show, tells you exactly what USA Network is made out of. This could've been a show that was tossed to the wolves or the cancellation bear in a matter of seconds, especially with all the insanity going on behind the scene, but here we are over 3 years later starting the third season. As new character and bad ass self-defense instructor, Cookie (Lauren Weedman), brings the extra laughs with the absence of our beloved 'Bird Bones' (Lindsay Sloane - who will return btw, don't worry), showing us takedown moves, debilitating holds & submissions, and praising Maggie (Parham) as a lead student... Only to show up as the new boo thing of Maggie's ex-husband and German live cam, internet porn, addict Bruce Caruso (Brad Morris)... Well, it still feels as if we never left our two favorite women... Just as the series' pillowy, emotionally charged theme song, Say HI's - 'Back Before We Were Brittle', would suggest, 'Hey, remember when all of time stood still'. Yup, it's like we never left... And man does I feel blessed to have my two favorite existential, funny ladies back in action! But in fact, we did leave, and there were some very real things going down while we were all away from the show, as I mentioned before. The almost two year hiatus was particularly jarring for fans, but it wasn't due to scheduling, as I joked at the beginning of the article. Those in the know, yes, I was joking! Just as recent as the past few months you may have heard Jessica St Clair's voice in HBO's 'out-of-the-box' animated 'Duplass Brothers' hit, 'Animals', IFC's 'Portlandia', FOX's 'Bob's Burgers'... Or you have even seen her recently in physical form in appearances and stints on Comedy Central's 'Review', SeeSo's 'Bajillion Dollar Properties', TBS Network's 'Angie Tribeca', TV Land's 'Teachers', or one of my personal faves, ABC's 'American Housewife' (I love you Chloe Brown Mueller, you bitch!)... But those were only recent shoots, within the 2017 timeframe. During an eye opening moment after sensing something just wasn't right back in 2015, St Clair headed to a specialist and was told life changing news... She had Stage 2B Estrogen Positive Breast Cancer. St Clair was so adamant about keeping this all a secret not to upset her 2 year old child, who is still a baby (not even 5), that she scoured the internet and searched for any kind of cancer hack she could do that she could possibly keep her hair intact throughout her chemo treatments. 'Playing House' is already a beautiful story of friendship and strong women who are able to come together and lean on each other in the toughest of times. I think this real-life story only strengthens that bond between these two women, and the reality that these women are literally unstoppable female forces who do whatever it takes to keep each other up off the ground. Didn't mean to dampen then mood, I know that everyone is excited to have one of our favorite shows back... But I felt like this was a story that needed to be told. Jessica St Clair, I'm so proud of you.... It's amazing and truly inspiring how you faced cancer the way that you did and were able to come out on top, get right back to work, and do what you do best... Making us laugh, making us feel, making us cry. It's events like these that really put things into perspective and truly make us appreciate what we have today, because you never know what tomorrow can bring. So thank you, Jessica St Clair. Thank you, Lennon Parham... Zach Woods... Brad Morris... Keegan-Michael Key... Lindsay Sloane... Jane Kaczmarek... Everyone at Universal Cable Productions, A24 Films, and of course NBC Universal and USA Network for recognizing how special this project is and how truly special these women are. We need them on television! This is the type show that sticks with you, and I think that things will only continue to get better from here. ❤️💯

[smokeybrandreviews]

Go Woke Go Broke

I am a fan of great stories. I adore brilliant, unique, art. I adore when both are integral to a creation be it film, comic, book, short story, light novel, fan fiction; Whatever. I find the ability to build worlds in almost any capacity, incredible. I’m also an older Millennial; Part of the tweener, X/Y, Oregon Trail generation. Born in the 80s, raised in the 90s, and came of age in the early 00s.We played until the street lights caught us, my first game system was an NES, and all my Saturday morning cartoons were sans Disney, toy commercials. I got an honorable mention once at a science fair and my parents were unimpressed so Participation Trophies were a joke to me and i learned how to deal with bullies by dealing with bullies. I had to worry about gangs shooting up my school, not that lone, weird kid in a trench coat. I’m all about representation but i understand that if you want people to look like you on film, you’d better find a way to make that film in white ass Hollywood. Basically, i have sense whereas most Millennials born after 89, do not. I need to make that distinction because we are about to get into some sh*t.

The merit and value of representation or visibility in mainstream media is dependent on the quality of said portrayal in the cultural zeitgeist. I’m a giant black dude who lives in America so representation for me basically begins and ends with a thug persona. As a black person in general, watching actors who look like me get passed over in roles that are uplifting and enriching to the culture like Hurricane or Ali for very specific, very demeaning, very marginalization, stereotypes, is disgusting. Black people, however excellent they are, never win for anything other than the magical Negro, uplifting slave, or non-threatening service person. Hidden Figures is an amazing tale of the trio of black women who saved NASA during the height of the space race. It was nominated for three Oscars and won none. Mahershala Ali did win an Oscar for best supporting actor portraying Juan, a drug dealer. Another movie he was in won several Oscars as well, Green Book. Ali plays Dr. Don Shirley characterized by the magical negro trope. I can go on and on. Denzel Washington got his second Oscar for Training day playing a corrupt ass cop when he turned in a much better, far more emotional performance, in Hurricane the year before. His first? Glory, where he played a former slave. A few years later? Snubbed for Philadelphia. Washington played, deftly i might add, a lawyer named Joe Milller who had to reconcile his own prejudices bout what it meant to have AIDS. Dude wasn’t even nominated. Tom Hanks won, though. See that pattern?

I don’t like Steven Universe. I don’t think it’s a very good show but because it has a massive fanbase among the LBGTQ community, it’s bullet proof from criticism. Nah, i’m about to go in. I adore Rebecca Sugar and i commend her creativity. My favorite episodes of Adventure Time are often attribute to her in some way, wither s0rt direction story boarding, or song writing. Marceline wouldn’t be Marcy with Sugar and i’ll always love her for that. That said, Steven Universe is melodramatic trash that uses pandering as a crutch. I don’t have a problem with the gays or whatever getting their visibility, but there are ways to do it without coming across as plagiarized drivel. Euphoria immediately comes to mind. Universe wears it’s anime inspirations on it’s sleeve. Sugar is a massive fan of Sailor Moon and you see, just, SO much of that in this show. Entire scenes and plot points are directly lifted from Usagi’s epic adventure but, because of the nostalgia goggles, cats are blinded to the straight-up theft. I’m not. That lack of originality is hindrance to the message. I mean, not really, i guess, because people love this show but it’s hard for me to acknowledge anything genuine about it because i know it is all a fraud. Hell, Land of the Lustrous, a manga by the name of Hoseki no Kuni, bares more than a striking similarity to Universe and came out a full year before Steven first bared his belly gem! Guess what Lustrous is? A manga! Guess who loves anime and manga? Sugar! Guess who has built a career on Sailor Moon images and Fan art? Sugar! Hell, Lustrous does a better job of LBGTQ representation by accident. Seriously, check that sh*t out. It’s an excellent narrative that doesn’t pander to the SJW crowd. It just tells it’s story about gem girls and space monsters. Sh*t is dope.

Where i feel the most sting, however, is in the US comic industry. All of this PC wokeness is in direct contrast to creative storytelling, for the most part. Marvel is hilariously guilty of this sh*t. I was on board when they decided to turn carol Danvers into Captain Marvel, effectively retiring her leotard costume and pretending kike it never happened. Fine. I liked that design but i get how impractical is was. The homage to Mar-Vell in her current duds is cool, too. I was one of the few that waited before running to judgment as Bendis race-bent Spider-Man into Miles Morales and then gender bent Iron Man into Riri Williams. Riri is a sh*t character in her own right but the outrage was more about her gender and race which made the criticism seem neckbeard nerd rage. Even then, i stuck around. Hell, when that Mockingbird run dropped and was literally a feminist manifesto, i let it ride because it was cleverly written and, foe the most part, i am kind of a feminist. More Equalist but there are feminist undertones in there. More recently, however, we got this New Warriors book and this is where i have to draw the line. Snowflake and Safe pace? Token non-binary hero? Marvel used to be at the forefront of this sh*t. They had gay superheroes in the 70s. They got married in the 80s. They addressed AIDS in the 90s and muslim bigotry in the 00s. Marvel was always crazy social conscious. That was one of their story telling staples and they delivered those messages with a light but firm touch.

F*ck, dude, the X-Men are an allegory for black people and the Civil Rights movement! Magneto and Professor X are literally caricatures of Malcom X and Dr. King.  mainstream comic, broaching the subject of discrimination, camouflaged in the vibrant arto f superhuman clashes, sold to white kids across America, during the f*cking 60s? Are you serious? That sh*t changes minds. That sh*t starts a conversation. That sh*t is status quo changing! Snowflake and Safespace? F*cking really? This is your social discourse now? Disrespectful parody of a marginalizing slur and already absurd concept derived by weenies? This isn’t even satire, it’s outright disrespect. I think safespaces are detrimental to proper, healthy, discourse or that the notion of those who stand up to offense are snowflakes who “need to get a sense of humor”, but for real? The fact that cats just tacked on the one is non-binary just outright exposes the true intent. This sh*t is pandering, straight up. It’s non representation It’s not progress. It’s disrespectful Woke point grabbing. It’s superficial lip-service being played to those that feel like their label isn’t getting enough media scrutiny. I think all of these new genders or whatever are stupid but i’m an old person. Some kid might identify with being non-binary or whatever and THIS sh8t is what they have to look forward to seeing. You can’t be serious.

Now, the whole reason i’m writing this, the entire reason i was even thing king about this subject, is because of Late Night with Lily Singh. Singh is a comedy Youtuber who has crossed over into the mainstream. I, personally, don’t find her funny, but i understand how important her success is in the world. Singh is, if you haven’t deduced by her name, a Desi woman. She’s a Canadian of Punjabi descent and she’s making moves. Ma is one of the most popular channels on the platform and, indeed, i first came across her through another cat i follow. Even though i personally do not enjoy her content, the breadth of what she has accomplished does not elude me. Singh is a powerhouse and should be recognized as such. However, her actual, on-air, late night talk show is f*cking dog sh*t. Singh is not geared for that. Like, at all. Her jokes are bad, her monologues are delivered with a clumsy anxiousness that belies the energetic skit-maker from her Youtube channel, and she is the worst interviewer on television! Her guests are often visibly bewildered. Watching James Corden interview someone is off-putting, dude does his best impression of graham Norton, but Seeing Singh just assault her guests with mediocrity is textbook cringe. Why the f*ck was she put into this very public position, thrown to the wolves, doomed to fail?

Her show is bad, man, but when you say so, the PC Police come out to beat your sh*t in. Singh is Indian, female, and bisexually; The three biggest spaces on the Marginalized bingo board. Being brown, or queer, or prone to vaginas gets you them woke points whenever you create anything but to have all three at once? Boy, you bulletproof! Saying anything remotely resembling criticism gets you cancelled on the grounds of sexism, homophobia or just plain classic racism, all the while, her show i literal sh*t! Singh, herself, is often racist and sexist throughout her “comedy” skits! I’m not one to subscribe to white people being discriminated against. A a black dude with a firm grasp of history, i personally believe white people should just take it when a minority goes after them because they never have a problem taking from everyone else. Goose/gander, you know what i’m saying? That said, there’s an art, a nuance, to that racial observation. Singh does not deliver her content with that deft touch. She’s built a career on malicious caricatures of the whites and the penises, which would be fine if there was a message in her satire, but there’s not. It’s base and uninspired.

You can build a career on that type of content. Dave Chappelle’s entire career is that type of content and he’s one of the greatest comedians to ever comedy. The difference between his material and Singh’s is that Chappelle says something. Chappelle hits you in the gut and forces you to look within. His sh*t is actually profound. Lily Singh is not. She’s skews closer to that trainwreck, Nicole Arbour, than she does Eddie Murphy. She’s more Amy Schumer than Wanda Sykes and that sh*t is on full display with her terrible, terrible, talk show. I read somewhere that it might be getting cancelled soon and my first thought was, “It’s not cancelled now?” If i am aware that Singh’s content is pedestrian, surely the studio knew it was. I mean, the ratings of her show are abysmal. She even found her way into a race controversy as a female, lesbian, Desi on TV! Then it dawned on me; This wasn’t true representation This was NBC casing Woke points. They never believed in this show, rather, wanted to use Singh as a sounding board. She’s a trophy for a network trying to court that meek, 90s baby, everyone-is-special, “Muh anxiety”, crowd. It didn’t work and Singh’s show is getting shelved, as it should, but it’s f*cked up that this is what representation at the corporate level looks like. This sh*t is tokenism, plain and simple

Representation is great. I want all of us to be seen. People around the world judge our various cultures based on what our entertainment contributes to the cultural zeitgeist of the world. Mot blacks aren’t gang-bangers, rappers, or dug dealers. Most Muslims aren’t terrorists. hell, most Muslims aren’t even of middle eastern descent! Islam is the largest religion in the world. You’re more likely to meat an south Asian with a Koran than an Iranian with a suicide belt. Gays aren’t going to turn you, Women don’t have vagina dentata, and the handicapped are more resilient than you think. Don’t pander. Don’t token. This game of playing for Woke points in the media and arts needs to stop. All of this faux outrage by mostly rich, white, people on behalf of the people their privilege marginalizes, needs to stop. Patting yourself on the back because you’re book has a Sudanese, paraplegic, lesbian, lead is not being progressive, it’s masturbatory at best. Approach your project with a sense of levity, common sense, and, more than anything, respect. Is what you deem “representation” a good look for whatever class you’re trying to champion? Or is it just a means to stroke your ego and push your politics? Are you Brad Pitt or are you Kathleen Kennedy? Is what you want to show us going to do more bad than good?

At the end of the day, create what you ant to create, just be conscious of how you create. Evaluate your message. Make sure it’ something that needs to be said. Something that, when said, can’t be ignored. Make the message profound and the representation enriching. Make that sh*t count because doing so in an effort to appear the Wokest, just trivializes everything you are attempting to do.

[smokeybrand]

Go Woke Go Broke

I am a fan of great stories. I adore brilliant, unique, art. I adore when both are integral to a creation be it film, comic, book, short story, light novel, fan fiction; Whatever. I find the ability to build worlds in almost any capacity, incredible. I’m also an older Millennial; Part of the tweener, X/Y, Oregon Trail generation. Born in the 80s, raised in the 90s, and came of age in the early 00s.We played until the street lights caught us, my first game system was an NES, and all my Saturday morning cartoons were sans Disney, toy commercials. I got an honorable mention once at a science fair and my parents were unimpressed so Participation Trophies were a joke to me and i learned how to deal with bullies by dealing with bullies. I had to worry about gangs shooting up my school, not that lone, weird kid in a trench coat. I’m all about representation but i understand that if you want people to look like you on film, you’d better find a way to make that film in white ass Hollywood. Basically, i have sense whereas most Millennials born after 89, do not. I need to make that distinction because we are about to get into some sh*t.

The merit and value of representation or visibility in mainstream media is dependent on the quality of said portrayal in the cultural zeitgeist. I’m a giant black dude who lives in America so representation for me basically begins and ends with a thug persona. As a black person in general, watching actors who look like me get passed over in roles that are uplifting and enriching to the culture like Hurricane or Ali for very specific, very demeaning, very marginalization, stereotypes, is disgusting. Black people, however excellent they are, never win for anything other than the magical Negro, uplifting slave, or non-threatening service person. Hidden Figures is an amazing tale of the trio of black women who saved NASA during the height of the space race. It was nominated for three Oscars and won none. Mahershala Ali did win an Oscar for best supporting actor portraying Juan, a drug dealer. Another movie he was in won several Oscars as well, Green Book. Ali plays Dr. Don Shirley characterized by the magical negro trope. I can go on and on. Denzel Washington got his second Oscar for Training day playing a corrupt ass cop when he turned in a much better, far more emotional performance, in Hurricane the year before. His first? Glory, where he played a former slave. A few years later? Snubbed for Philadelphia. Washington played, deftly i might add, a lawyer named Joe Milller who had to reconcile his own prejudices bout what it meant to have AIDS. Dude wasn’t even nominated. Tom Hanks won, though. See that pattern?

I don’t like Steven Universe. I don’t think it’s a very good show but because it has a massive fanbase among the LBGTQ community, it’s bullet proof from criticism. Nah, i’m about to go in. I adore Rebecca Sugar and i commend her creativity. My favorite episodes of Adventure Time are often attribute to her in some way, wither s0rt direction story boarding, or song writing. Marceline wouldn’t be Marcy with Sugar and i’ll always love her for that. That said, Steven Universe is melodramatic trash that uses pandering as a crutch. I don’t have a problem with the gays or whatever getting their visibility, but there are ways to do it without coming across as plagiarized drivel. Euphoria immediately comes to mind. Universe wears it’s anime inspirations on it’s sleeve. Sugar is a massive fan of Sailor Moon and you see, just, SO much of that in this show. Entire scenes and plot points are directly lifted from Usagi’s epic adventure but, because of the nostalgia goggles, cats are blinded to the straight-up theft. I’m not. That lack of originality is hindrance to the message. I mean, not really, i guess, because people love this show but it’s hard for me to acknowledge anything genuine about it because i know it is all a fraud. Hell, Land of the Lustrous, a manga by the name of Hoseki no Kuni, bares more than a striking similarity to Universe and came out a full year before Steven first bared his belly gem! Guess what Lustrous is? A manga! Guess who loves anime and manga? Sugar! Guess who has built a career on Sailor Moon images and Fan art? Sugar! Hell, Lustrous does a better job of LBGTQ representation by accident. Seriously, check that sh*t out. It’s an excellent narrative that doesn’t pander to the SJW crowd. It just tells it’s story about gem girls and space monsters. Sh*t is dope.

Where i feel the most sting, however, is in the US comic industry. All of this PC wokeness is in direct contrast to creative storytelling, for the most part. Marvel is hilariously guilty of this sh*t. I was on board when they decided to turn carol Danvers into Captain Marvel, effectively retiring her leotard costume and pretending kike it never happened. Fine. I liked that design but i get how impractical is was. The homage to Mar-Vell in her current duds is cool, too. I was one of the few that waited before running to judgment as Bendis race-bent Spider-Man into Miles Morales and then gender bent Iron Man into Riri Williams. Riri is a sh*t character in her own right but the outrage was more about her gender and race which made the criticism seem neckbeard nerd rage. Even then, i stuck around. Hell, when that Mockingbird run dropped and was literally a feminist manifesto, i let it ride because it was cleverly written and, foe the most part, i am kind of a feminist. More Equalist but there are feminist undertones in there. More recently, however, we got this New Warriors book and this is where i have to draw the line. Snowflake and Safe pace? Token non-binary hero? Marvel used to be at the forefront of this sh*t. They had gay superheroes in the 70s. They got married in the 80s. They addressed AIDS in the 90s and muslim bigotry in the 00s. Marvel was always crazy social conscious. That was one of their story telling staples and they delivered those messages with a light but firm touch.

F*ck, dude, the X-Men are an allegory for black people and the Civil Rights movement! Magneto and Professor X are literally caricatures of Malcom X and Dr. King.  mainstream comic, broaching the subject of discrimination, camouflaged in the vibrant arto f superhuman clashes, sold to white kids across America, during the f*cking 60s? Are you serious? That sh*t changes minds. That sh*t starts a conversation. That sh*t is status quo changing! Snowflake and Safespace? F*cking really? This is your social discourse now? Disrespectful parody of a marginalizing slur and already absurd concept derived by weenies? This isn’t even satire, it’s outright disrespect. I think safespaces are detrimental to proper, healthy, discourse or that the notion of those who stand up to offense are snowflakes who “need to get a sense of humor”, but for real? The fact that cats just tacked on the one is non-binary just outright exposes the true intent. This sh*t is pandering, straight up. It’s non representation It’s not progress. It’s disrespectful Woke point grabbing. It’s superficial lip-service being played to those that feel like their label isn’t getting enough media scrutiny. I think all of these new genders or whatever are stupid but i’m an old person. Some kid might identify with being non-binary or whatever and THIS sh8t is what they have to look forward to seeing. You can’t be serious.

Now, the whole reason i’m writing this, the entire reason i was even thing king about this subject, is because of Late Night with Lily Singh. Singh is a comedy Youtuber who has crossed over into the mainstream. I, personally, don’t find her funny, but i understand how important her success is in the world. Singh is, if you haven’t deduced by her name, a Desi woman. She’s a Canadian of Punjabi descent and she’s making moves. Ma is one of the most popular channels on the platform and, indeed, i first came across her through another cat i follow. Even though i personally do not enjoy her content, the breadth of what she has accomplished does not elude me. Singh is a powerhouse and should be recognized as such. However, her actual, on-air, late night talk show is f*cking dog sh*t. Singh is not geared for that. Like, at all. Her jokes are bad, her monologues are delivered with a clumsy anxiousness that belies the energetic skit-maker from her Youtube channel, and she is the worst interviewer on television! Her guests are often visibly bewildered. Watching James Corden interview someone is off-putting, dude does his best impression of graham Norton, but Seeing Singh just assault her guests with mediocrity is textbook cringe. Why the f*ck was she put into this very public position, thrown to the wolves, doomed to fail?

Her show is bad, man, but when you say so, the PC Police come out to beat your sh*t in. Singh is Indian, female, and bisexually; The three biggest spaces on the Marginalized bingo board. Being brown, or queer, or prone to vaginas gets you them woke points whenever you create anything but to have all three at once? Boy, you bulletproof! Saying anything remotely resembling criticism gets you cancelled on the grounds of sexism, homophobia or just plain classic racism, all the while, her show i literal sh*t! Singh, herself, is often racist and sexist throughout her “comedy” skits! I’m not one to subscribe to white people being discriminated against. A a black dude with a firm grasp of history, i personally believe white people should just take it when a minority goes after them because they never have a problem taking from everyone else. Goose/gander, you know what i’m saying? That said, there’s an art, a nuance, to that racial observation. Singh does not deliver her content with that deft touch. She’s built a career on malicious caricatures of the whites and the penises, which would be fine if there was a message in her satire, but there’s not. It’s base and uninspired.

You can build a career on that type of content. Dave Chappelle’s entire career is that type of content and he’s one of the greatest comedians to ever comedy. The difference between his material and Singh’s is that Chappelle says something. Chappelle hits you in the gut and forces you to look within. His sh*t is actually profound. Lily Singh is not. She’s skews closer to that trainwreck, Nicole Arbour, than she does Eddie Murphy. She’s more Amy Schumer than Wanda Sykes and that sh*t is on full display with her terrible, terrible, talk show. I read somewhere that it might be getting cancelled soon and my first thought was, “It’s not cancelled now?” If i am aware that Singh’s content is pedestrian, surely the studio knew it was. I mean, the ratings of her show are abysmal. She even found her way into a race controversy as a female, lesbian, Desi on TV! Then it dawned on me; This wasn’t true representation This was NBC casing Woke points. They never believed in this show, rather, wanted to use Singh as a sounding board. She’s a trophy for a network trying to court that meek, 90s baby, everyone-is-special, “Muh anxiety”, crowd. It didn’t work and Singh’s show is getting shelved, as it should, but it’s f*cked up that this is what representation at the corporate level looks like. This sh*t is tokenism, plain and simple

Representation is great. I want all of us to be seen. People around the world judge our various cultures based on what our entertainment contributes to the cultural zeitgeist of the world. Mot blacks aren’t gang-bangers, rappers, or dug dealers. Most Muslims aren’t terrorists. hell, most Muslims aren’t even of middle eastern descent! Islam is the largest religion in the world. You’re more likely to meat an south Asian with a Koran than an Iranian with a suicide belt. Gays aren’t going to turn you, Women don’t have vagina dentata, and the handicapped are more resilient than you think. Don’t pander. Don’t token. This game of playing for Woke points in the media and arts needs to stop. All of this faux outrage by mostly rich, white, people on behalf of the people their privilege marginalizes, needs to stop. Patting yourself on the back because you’re book has a Sudanese, paraplegic, lesbian, lead is not being progressive, it’s masturbatory at best. Approach your project with a sense of levity, common sense, and, more than anything, respect. Is what you deem “representation” a good look for whatever class you’re trying to champion? Or is it just a means to stroke your ego and push your politics? Are you Brad Pitt or are you Kathleen Kennedy? Is what you want to show us going to do more bad than good?

At the end of the day, create what you ant to create, just be conscious of how you create. Evaluate your message. Make sure it’ something that needs to be said. Something that, when said, can’t be ignored. Make the message profound and the representation enriching. Make that sh*t count because doing so in an effort to appear the Wokest, just trivializes everything you are attempting to do.

[romancevsreality-blog]

vanderpump rules, season six, episode fourteen: caution - feminism ahead

Every single episode I wonder how they’re going to top the generic musical intros they use on this show, but here we are - this week, it’s simply “na, na, na, nah, nah.” Also known as, my approach to writing this blog lately!

Apologies. I’ve gone through a lot in the last few months. I’m back, I promise. Just in time for the finale, of course!

OF COURSE.

We start in West Hollywood in Tom and Ariana’s apartment, where Ariana is dreading going to hair removal. Ariana is teaching Tom the basic essentials to hair removal, and Sandoval is straight up shocked you don’t roll up there with a full bush and they just buzz through it like some kind of laser lawn mower. No, you have to be fully shaved, closely shaved, so they can access the hair follicle more easily. If they could superimpose an NBC “The More You Know” rainbow over this entire scene, that would be fantastic.

Ariana’s working on body positivity and #embracinghervagina, but it’s a slow process of both undoing that hatred and gaining some sense of self-love there. Hopefully one day she’ll love her vagina as much as she should. Sandoval loved their trip to Vegas because it was like, an adult trip - he wasn’t black out drunk the entire time, just like, 75% of the time. Who cares if Lisa had to kick Tom and Tom out of a meeting because they were out of control and being annoying? Not Sandoval! He showed up, and that’s what matters. I wonder how Tom pays his rent with the brownie points he’s getting.

Over at Sexy Unique Restaurant, the Generic Music cue is “Oh, Superstitilous”.

Can someone. Tell me. What “Superstitilous” means.

I cannot think of a sentence where I would need to combine “superstitious” and “delicious” into one word. I literally have tried to for the last hour. Like, maybe if it’s the Boston Marathon or something and you’re eating pasta? “This pasta is so superstitilous, I hope it brings me good luck tomorrow.”

I’m trying, y’all.

DJ James Kennedy, CBE, and Raquel, his squeak-toy-turned-girlfriend, are over at Sexy Unique Restaurant. James is putting on a jacket because his father is coming by and he wants to give off the vibe of being Very Smart. James, a jacket can only do so much for you. It’s his dad’s first time coming to visit after getting divorced frrom his mother, and his father is just as much of a British stereotype as you can think of. His dad is a less attractive Robbie Coltrane1 with worse teeth. He’s wearing sunglasses that can only be described as Creepy Manager Chic, and a baseball cap and a black polo.

It’s like they yanked him straight out of 24 Hour Party People2. We’re reminded that James was surrounded by music growing up - not only did his dad manage George Michael, but he was a DJ himself. He is also a grown man wearing an ear cuff.

James’ dad has no idea what his son’s drink of choice is, or that James cannot drink while on the job. James said his dad isn’t a bad influence, he just doesn’t understand why James can’t work and drink at the same time. Raquel continues to be like “if Lisa catches you with a drink, you’re donzo.” Speaking of, Lisa arrives for this week’s contracted meddling. She talks with Billie Lee, and then talks to James and his dad. Ken’s known Andreas (James’s dad), forever, but Lisa only knows him through George Michael, she’s keen to remind us.

Scheana and Lala3 meet with Brittany at Hooters, where they’re celebrating Jax’s 83rd birthday. He claims it’s his 38th, but we all know the truth. He’s not fooling anyone. Brittany knows she’s better than doing anything for Jax, let alone throw him a birthday party, but you know what? She’s all in on this relationship with this philanderer. Stassi, Schwartz, and Katie all arrive, shocked they’re downtown... but Hooters might be the only reason they’ll ever go downtown. Fuck Jax.

Stassi reminds us that when she broke up with Jax, she all but dug her key into the side of his pretty little souped-up four-wheel drive and carved her name into his leather seats, but she can’t judge Brittany for coping in her own way. Jax calls this the perfect birthday party for his inner child, because there’s nothing better than going to Hooters. My only experiences with Hooters have been this show and that episode of The Office, so I can’t confirm or deny this.

Stassi’s complaining about having big boobs, and how girls with small boobs will never know the pain of underboob sweat. As someone who’s new to the entire concept of having boobs, this is very true. It’s actually awful, and kind of gross. Katie can hold a pencil under her boobs, Stassi can hold an entire pack of rats. I can’t, and as someone who was thrilled she couldn’t hold a pencil case between her thighs, I’ll just go along with their entire thing here.

RealDoll Scheana takes Jax aside and confronts him about what Kristen told her Jax said about her and Rob. Rob says he loves RealDoll Scheana, but he’s not in love with her yet - even though she is, and she’s planning their entire life together down to the pillow shams they’ll have in the lake house. Rob may tell Scheana he loves her, but Jax was told something different. Scheana can’t imagine that this is true. There’s so much meaning behind not telling your significant other you love them every time you say goodbye.

Delusion, by Scheana Shay.

She knows they’re going to get married - sure, it’s not as quickly as she’d like it to be, but they’re going to. How does she know this? Does Rob know this? For once, Jax is in the right, and y’all know how much I hate it when that happens. He’s just trying to bring Scheana back down to Earth because she’s looking at her entire life through her Instagram feed. If she can project perfection4 to everyone else, eventually that’ll become true. She’s trying to The Secret her entire life. As someone who tries not to fuck with the universe and tries not to put things out there that can come back to me later5, even I know at a certain point it’s out of my control. Scheana hasn’t, clearly.

Peter asks Brittany how it feels to be back at Hooters, and she’s happy to be there. Ariana, with a mouth full of chicken, is like, “it’s so nice of Jax to take us to church on his birthday.” Ariana remains my favorite.Sandoval and Tom have gotten Jax a gift - a male romper. I’m guessing this was that time last summer that romphims were shocking the world, and honestly, there’s nothing wrong with it? I never understood why it was such a big deal. I mean, guys don’t even have to get naked to pee in their rompers. They should be much more of a staple in men’s attire than women’s.

Oh god, am I defending rompers?

The next day, Stassi and Billie Lee are headed to Kristen and Carter’s apartment, and Billie swears she’s not an alcoholic. Billie Lee immediately greets them with gluten-free vegan brownies and bread and she was doing so good up until this moment. Do not walk into my house with gluten-free vegan anything. Stassi loves Billie Lee. I did too, at one time. Apparently, Jeremy, Ariana’s brother, asked Billie Lee out on a date. Kristen and Stassi are skeptical and want to make sure it’s in public because Jeremy’s a creep.

Or so they think.

Jeremy’s kind of a creep and a lingerer, and at Schwartz and Katie’s wedding got a little too drunk and handsy, making Stassi uncomfortable. Kristen hopes he’s not just trying to fuck Jeremy, and Billie Lee’s like “Uh, that’s what I want.” As soon as she says that, they’re like, “oh, well, that’s okay.” It’s fine if a dude creeps you out if you want to fuck him, I guess? Billie Lee’s nervous now, however. I don’t blame her.

Scheana and Brittany6 are at BBCM for brunch, and Brittany’s refusing to drink. Brittany’s happy that she cleared the air with Jax, and Scheana’s like “yeah, there’s no way what he said was true, so it’s fine.” Scheana wants Brittany to be as happy with Jax as Scheana is with Rob because Scheana is determined to make sure that Brittany stays the hell away from Jax. Scheana knows a lot of people, which has never been said without an air of malice around it. Brittany’s hoping Jax will turn into the person she fell in love with, which is hilarious.

If you’re hoping your boyfriend will just… squash part of his personality that you don’t like, Brittany, you might as well be wafting in Delusion, by Scheana Shay. Jax is abusive. End of story. Scheana texted Adam, the hot new guy at Sexy Unique Restaurant7, because he asked about Brittany. Honestly, Scheana really thinks she’s Cher Horowitz and Brittany is Tai. She wants Brittany away from Travis Birkenstock (Jax) and in the pants of literally anyone else, but hopefully Elton (Adam). I see you, Scheana.

You will never be Cher Horowitz. The closest you’ll come is American Woman, Kyle Richards’s show about her life starring Alicia Silverstone.

We’re at the site for TomTom, and Schwartz wants nothing more than to be shoveling dirt with the construction site. Schwartz, clearly not knowing where he was going, is wearing fucking sandals. Katie married a grown man who wears sandals. All the time. Who doesn’t know to wear closed-toed shoes to a construction site? Does Tom Schwartz realize that a ton of health codes require closed-toes shoes in restaurants? He’s gonna die.

Sandoval is still trying to direct the set up of the bar area, and Lisa shuts that the fuck down. Again, Sandoval thinks he’s a true partner in all of this, but what Lisa wants him to do is what she wanted him to do at Sexy Unique Restaurants - craft a cocktail menu. That’s it. Nothing else. She doesn’t want your design input or any tips on what kind of food you’d like. She literally wants Tom to go to all his favorite bars in Los Angeles, choose his favorite cocktails from there, and assemble a list.

Oh, Sandoval. You only own 5% of the restaurant. Have you been wearing Delusion, by Scheana Shay?

Queen Lala arrives at Scheana’s apartment literally dressed like a goddess, in a white two-piece outfit. She looks like a California princess and clearly, she’s just touched up her lips because they are PLUMP, girl8. Following behind is Billie Lee, and then we get some shady shots of all the photos of Rob and Scheana in Scheana’s glam room.

The producers hate Scheana so much, I love it. Billie Lee needs a drink immediately upon arrival, and the girls are all happy to comply. Scheana’s pulled a few outfits for Billie to wear on her date, and Billie tells the details of her conversation with Kristen and Stassi. Billie Lee’s skeptical because Stassi gave the implication that Jeremy will just bounce from girl to girl to girl, hoping for some kind of positive interactions. Lala and Scheana are like, “well, he’s never tried anything with us, so.”

I do want to touch base on the “Well, he never did anything to make me uncomfortable, so,” response. A broken clock is right twice a day. Sometimes people we think are good are capable of doing bad things. Sometimes people’s behavior can be interpreted differently. A part of how the #metoo movement came into being was the collective idea that these people couldn’t have done this, they were good because of [xyz]. Did we learn nothing from Spotlight? The Catholic Church protected its own, we will forever protect our own instead of listening to victims. Listen. You’ll learn something. Reexamine people and their impact. Just because someone hasn’t hurt you, doesn’t mean they’re not capable of it.

Lala is immediately riled up because Kristen and Stassi tend to say things that not only hurt feelings but affect others’ lives in the long run. Billie was excited about her date until they brought up all of those thoughts.

Everyone loves and adores Billie. Especially Lala, who loves her tits. Billie chooses a green printed romper, and she looks cute. I won’t even hate. It’s a great date outfit.

Billie and Lala go to get a drink, and Lala’s getting buzzed before going into work because she’s the fucking best. She is all of us. Lala’s there to calm Billie down before her date because Lala understands the nerves and butterflies and jitters that accompany the first date. Jeremy arrives, and Billie immediately sets her sights on setting the mood. Guys are hesitant to date her because she is trans and people talk, and Jeremy’s like, “Whatever dude, you’re a girl and you should be acknowledged as such, who cares.”

This is the correct response.

Because this show can’t introduce anyone without bringing them up again, we’re meeting DJ James Kennedy, KCMG, and his fucking dad again9. James is ordering alcoholic slushies, Andres claims that George Michael christened him and spat on him, passing along his musical powers. Is that how powers are spread? Through spit? Like a cold? Having George Michael as a godfather has made James determined to be Something. Him and Lala together. James’ dad lost everything when George Michael and he had a falling out, and now James is getting over his struggle. He cries when thinking about his dad. Somehow, I find it within me not to feel bad for him. Maybe it’s my own personal daddy shit that prevents this.10

Back at Sexy Unique Restaurant, the cast is still pretending they work there, and Lisa’s doing her obligated table greeting. Max Vanderpump-Todd got a $2,000 tip the night before, and that’s worth celebrating. Ariana’s leaving early because they’ve got a girls’ outing, and Lisa can sense that Ariana’s pissed11 about something. Ariana’s caught a whiff of what Kristen and Stassi were saying about Jeremy, and she’s upset. Scheana told this to Ariana, and Ariana can’t believe it, because he’s her brother, of course. I mean, Jeremy saved Sexy Unique Restaurant from burning down, and Lisa is endlessly thankful. She even gives him some money.

In case you didn’t know, the musical cue is “I came to get down,” so you know we’re headed to The Lion Tavern for a wild girls’ night out. Scheana and Ariana are greeted by Brittany and the rest of the girls. There are two factions - Ariana/Scheana/Lala, and Stassi & The Pussycats, but they’ve both come together because of their mutual love for Brittany. Stassi immediately asks how Ariana’s vagina was because thankfully we’re basically spared an entire scene of Ariana undergoing laser hair removal, and get like, ten seconds. Scheana immediately makes everyone uncomfortable when they’re all complimenting their own vaginas by being like “well, my boyfriend likes it, so.” Girl. Read the room. No one cares about Rob’s opinion of your vagina, they only care about yours.

Ugh, the patriarchy.

Lala brings up the Jeremy-shaped elephant in the room and calls Stassi out for trying to scare Billie Lee. Stassi claims she was being supportive, and Scheana’s like, “That’s definitely not how she took it.”

You know how I hate when Jax is right? I hate when Scheana’s right just as much.

Ariana tries to get them to bring up the wedding, and Stassi’s like, “I don’t want to hurt anyone!!!” It’s okay if she hurts people unintentionally, she just doesn’t want to do it on purpose. Scheana leaves because she’s got a curfew to return to her RealDoll box, and Katie immediately is like “IT’S MY TURN FOR CAMERA TIME.” She says that she got a lot of complaints at her wedding regarding Jeremy’s behavior, that he was even predatory. Ariana wants to snatch Katie’s wig as soon as she uses that word, and immediately defends her brother. Katie, being the ultimate in hypocrisy, tells Ariana she needs to advocate for those who can’t advocate for themselves right now. Katie is such trash because this is so pointed and so purposeful and so intended to make Ariana feel like a hypocrite. We get it, Katie, you hate Ariana and you really hate that she’s a better person than you are. Ariana reads between Katie’s lines, and Katie tries doing the plausible deniability thing and claiming Ariana misheard her. Lala comes and sits next to Ariana and tries to soothe her, but Ariana is so upset at this point that she’s seeing red.

I get why Ariana’s upset. She’s defending her family and Katie’s essentially saying she’s a bad feminist for doing so. I’m not saying Ariana’s right, and I’m definitely not saying Katie’s right. There’s a better way to handle this, but they should have known that with family involved, the emotions are heightened. Katie, you defend Schwartz’s shitty behavior constantly. Shut up. Ariana dismisses herself from the table and all the girls are like “Wait, sit down, calm down, what?” Stassi makes a false equivalency by saying Ariana can criticize Stassi all she wants under “hard truths”, yet Stassi can’t criticize Jeremy.

Because Ariana is not responsible for her brother’s behavior, and since she doesn’t know the entire story, she can only defend him. She’s not right for this. She could have listened more. But their issue is with Jeremy, not Ariana. The most feminist thing to do is to demand they hold Jeremy accountable instead of getting angry at Ariana for her brother’s bad behavior.

Over at Jax and Brittany’s apartment, Jax has a drum kit he’s showing to Tom Sandoval. Even Sandoval is like, “Man, you got spoiled for a guy who just cheated on his girlfriend.” Brittany is reinforcing bad behaviors by treating Jax like this. He’ll definitely cheat again if she continues to reward it. Tom decides to head over to Schwartz and Katie’s apartment because he needs to talk to Katie about what happened with Ariana. He calls it “complete and total bullshit”, because he’s Tom Sandoval. He’s never found a man he won’t blindly defend to the death.

Over at Katie and Tom’s, Stassi and Kristen have arrived and they’re going to make their own perfumes.

Are they making Delusion, by Scheana Shay?

Sandoval comes over and Schwartz immediately tells him to proceed with caution. Sandoval starts out and denies all of Jeremy’s behavior. Stassi and Kristen are continuing to maintain that Jeremy made them uncomfortable and Sandoval just... denies it. He literally says no, that didn't happen. He wasn't there, how would he know?

You don’t get to tell someone how they feel, Sandoval. You can’t just shoot down the way someone else feels. If multiple people are claiming to feel some kind of way about something, it might be worth inspecting. What do I know, though?

The most important part is when Stassi asks, “why would I lie about this?” When it comes to a lie, you always have to look at the side of the person who benefits from the lie. Stassi doesn’t benefit from lying about this, and neither do the millions of women who come forward with accusations of sexual misconduct. There is more to lose by coming forward, and literally nothing to gain. If you think they’re looking for a payoff, wonder who benefits from being paid to keep silent. Not the women. I once heard a story of a woman who came forward with accusations of sexual assault, signed an NDA and took the money, and then came to find out her NDA was so strict she couldn’t even talk about her experience with a therapist.

She attempted suicide because of it. Fuck NDAs, and fuck anyone who thinks that women who come forward about sexual harassment are looking to get paid off. There is no money that can erase that experience. And no amount of money is worth more than actual punishment. Sandoval doesn’t know what he’s talking about because he wasn’t there. Stassi’s tired of protecting men and Tom Sandoval tells her to watch herself. A man telling a woman to watch herself when she’s telling the truth is some Crucible bullshit. Tom claiming he’ll start telling truths about them if they continue to talk is just… sad, petty behavior.

Then again, Tom will protect every single move Jax makes if he can. It’s shocking Ariana, who is proudly pro-women, will put up with Tom, who is definitely pro-men in every single way.

Back at Jax and Brittany’s apartment, Brittany gets a call from her dad. Oh, and Brittany hasn’t told her dad about Jax’s cheating, even though she’s told her mother. She’s afraid to tell her dad because he’s gonna be upset. We get shots of Jax sensing something ominous in the air and listening in on Brittany’s conversation when she tells her dad Jax cheated on her.

Brittany’s dad is unsurprised. He can’t help himself. He has no control. Brittany’s heard this before from him, and that’s why she’s put distance between them. She doesn’t want her dad to “I told you so” her, but… he told her so. Brittany’s dad is a lot less unforgiving than Brittany’s mom, who is on her third marriage and continually tells Brittany to just put her head down and deal with it because she’s on TV now. Brittany’s dad wants him to grow up and get serious, and he doesn’t think that now that Jax is 485 years old if that’s really possible. If he wanted to grow up, he’d be grown up. Brittany’s dad is most definitely not on Team Jax.

Jax is like, “oh man, I’m doing so good at the drums now! What did your dad say? What did he say?” Jax isn’t upset about Brittany’s dad not liking him - he couldn’t give a fuck - he’s again, more upset that she’s “airing out their dirty laundry”. Talking to your parent about your relationship is not airing out dirty laundry. The fact that Jax was Brittany to isolate any conversation about him and his behavior is textbook abuser behavior. He only wants to talk about it with her so he can tell her how she feels. None of these other people have his side, only hers, so what do they know?

God, Brittany. Stop. This man thinks you talking to your parents about your problems is “dirty laundry”. No. That’s what they’re there for.

Brittany doesn’t want to deal with the pain and strife this would put on her family ever again. They’re already predisposed not to like him and she’s not trying to pile on. Jax promises he won’t do anything like that again (LIAR), but she’s not perfect, either.

Why. Are. Men. Like. This.

One of the reasons my ex and I broke up was his almost blatant refusal to see my side in things. Literally, one time we were talking, and I mentioned that the fact that does that bothers me. He apologized, and then immediately was like “well, you do that too.” And I burst into tears. I was already on edge, already frustrated at not being heard and not listened to, and here he was, making that my problem. It’s this stubborn need to always be not only right but right and justified in every situation. “It’s fine for me to do this because you do it too.” I’m not saying I’m right in my actions. But if I’m asking you not to hurt me, what’s so wrong with just apologizing?

Why do you need to say, “I’m sorry, but this isn’t only my fault”?

Brittany admits to her bad behavior and owns up to her imperfections, but Jax won’t. He’s like, “own up to it,” and she will. He tells her if she’s not happy, maybe she needs to move on. I don’t disagree, but this is just him trying to get out from under bad behavior. I do the same thing. “You chose to be with me, you can leave at any point.”

Jax just always needs to be the good guy. That’s Brittany’s problem. His need to be the good guy in his mind will always trump any of her feelings. Good Guys are just as bad as Nice Guys.

Lala, Ariana12 and Scheana head to the bar, where people are meeting them, namely Daddy Adam, who is my new bae. They’re all there to basically show Brittany that she doesn’t need Jax and that she’s swimming in a sea of hot dudes who want to bang her. Scheana knows that Jax is never going to change and the love of a good woman won’t do shit - he doesn’t deserve Brittany. Hottie Adam shows up and orders seven shots of tequila upon arrival. Brittany’s Out To Flirt and piss off Jax, and Adam is prime real estate.

Lala mentions her conversation with Stassi, and that she doesn’t think she’s out to get anyone. Scheana and Ariana are pissed at Stassi and Brittany’s defending Stassi. It’s charming, but only a tiny bit. Scheana’s drunk and takes Brittany aside for a drunken truth-telling. She tells Brittany the truth - you will never be able to change Jax, you don’t deserve to be treated like this, and you can do better. And Brittany’s main problem? She loves Jax. And she can’t just like, stop loving him. Scheana can’t understand her thought process on this, and Brittany can’t explain to people that she knows he’s wrong but she still loves him. Scheana doesn’t want Brittany to be where she is - 32, divorced and starting over from scratch.

Scheana knows what it’s like to lie to yourself and convince yourself it’s all going to work out in the end. It’s hilarious because she’s acting like she used to do this when she’s doing it right now. God damn, I love the producers of this show.

Next Time: Lisa doesn’t understand why Brittany’s still celebrating Jax, let alone taking him to Mexico for his birthday. Lala is “ready for Mexico” in that she’s… way too tan. Scary tan. We’re going to Playa del Carmen! Lala ain’t taking any of Jax’s shit. Sandoval needs to fuck off.

Random Assessments from the Desk of Amanda:

Y’all know I love Ariana and shit, but god damn, that red dress in the talking head? With the corset front? No. Ariana, take it off. Immediately. Trust me.

Meanwhile, Tom Sandoval’s talking head with the polka dot bowtie and the plaid pants? I love it. It’s so extra. He looks like a sexy butler.

Scheana thinks Billie Lee and Jeremy are fated because they both smoke weed.

Is Billie Lee the first trans person on Bravo? Bravo, Bravo, then.

I mean, Stassi and Kristen have a point to be afraid of being around Jeremy.

Okay, really - Brittany is losing sympathy for staying with Jax, and fast. The only way she can redeem herself is to dump him. She can’t keep putting herself in these scenarios and expecting a different response.

Hagrid from Harry Potter, for you Yanks. ↩︎

What part of England are the Kennedys from? Are they from Manchester? ↩︎

Who has taken to pronouncing “baby” like it’s two letters - “BB” ↩︎

Scheana is such a fucking Taurus. ↩︎

I won’t even tell people if I’ve applied for something exciting just in case it backfired. The minute you put something into words and say them aloud to someone else, they’re real. I don’t know where I got this superstition from. ↩︎

I love Brittany’s 2005 glasses so much. ↩︎

OH MY GOD HE ACTUALLY IS THE HOT NEW GUY AT SEXY UNIQUE RESTAURANT. Hellooooo, Adam. Adam, come to mama. ↩︎

In the words of Beverly Johnson, if you don’t have a top lip, get one. Have you guys heard my podcast yet? ↩︎

I’m choosing to think of him as Robbie Coltrane from National Treasure (Not the Nicolas Cage fantasy films, the British series about Operation Yewtree) and less Hagrid. Makes him easier to hate. ↩︎

Same reason I’ve never seen Finding Nemo all the way through but I can handle The Lion King. ↩︎

Read: a producer told her to ask. ↩︎

Dressed in only what can be described as “Beetlejuice for Pretty Little Thing.com” ↩︎

[s-ndinmydreams-blog1]

friday, june 9th, 2017.  → camille’s surprise interview on “exes in hollywood.”  feat. dave escamilla.

after being surprised with an interview on her love live, camille was told to stay in the room where management brought in one of her exes, dave, to ask them about their relationship.

interviewer: i think by now you both know what’s going on, let’s just get right into it. when did you two date? and when did you break up?

dave: I think it was 2012? I don’t remember in all honesty. It wasn’t a very long time though, I remember that. I think it was around 8 months? camille: i don’t remember the exact dates, i had to be drunk the entire time to tolerate him so it’s all a blur but 8 months sounds about right.

wow that’s… interesting. 8 months is still a bit of time. both of you, in your own words: why did you break up

d: Her answer is why we broke up. She’s a bitch, do you blame me for breaking up with her? c: we broke up because he fucking cheated on me but call me names all you want. one question in and he’s already showing his true colours. d: You started it! You’re the one that said you needed to be drunk to tolerate me c :a fucking joke! d: sure jand c: suck a dick d: Why don’t you go suck a dick? Seems like that’s what you’re good at c: well the only dick in this room i can see is you and i’d rather die than put my pretty mouth anywhere near you

i’m afraid to ask, what’s your relationship like now?

c: he’s jealous that his new girl would rather sleep next to me d: I avoid her like the plague but that’s not easy to do when she’s out here trying to make me jealous sleeping around with my other ex c: nah, you don’t avoid me. if you did who would you blame for all your other failed relationships? he thinks everything’s my fault. d: Everything /is/ your fault. Julia wouldn’t have ghosted me if you kept your hoe mouth shut c: i sent her screenshots of what YOU said. YOU said it. not me. that’s your own fucking fault. **d: **YOU sent the screen shots. ever heard of privacy? c: ever heard of don’t try to disrespect women and expect they wont find out **d: **ever heard of staying in your god damn lane? c: no? what’s that? d: I rest my case

uh huh.. anyway. were you in love with each other? or with the person you thought each other was?

**d: **I don’t see how I could have ever been in love with her. I was probably just in love with the sex and being high enough to tolerate her existence and annoying voice **c: **shut the fuck up. no, definitely not. i just wanted dick. d: If you only wanted dick, why did it hurt when I cheated? c: shut up. **d: **when she knows she had feelings for you but doesn’t want to admit it, cute c: after eight months you didn’t have any feelings for me? okay dave d: I thought I did but maybe it was reflux or heart burn. Maybe I should go see a doctor about it c: yeah, maybe you should go see a therapist **d: **I already do. Thanks for trying though, sweetheart

did you honestly give the relationship all you had?

d: No but I guess I didn’t want to at the time. I moved on to better things that I actually did want to invest time into c: nope

while you were dating, did you have any plans for the future? what were they?

**c: **nah, dave isn’t the kind of man that you can have a future with. d: future plans were to lay down on a highway and hope for an 18 wheeler c: you should go do that right now d: i’d love to but my dog needs med **c: **that poor dog d: are you talking about yourself? Cause Stella loves me unconditionally and isn’t suffering c: did you just call me a dog? d: Did I stutter? **c: **you’re so funny d: One of us had to be the comedic relief and it wasn’t gonna be youd **c: **yeah, that’s really all you’re good for **d: **what a sweet little girl c: yeah, that’s me

uh huh… in general, should being with someone ever be incessantly hard? should it always be hard work?

**c: **no. if it’s always hard, it’s not right. d: hahahahaaha well…some things are right if they’re always hard. your relationship shouldn’t be. if both are hard? good luck

how would you feel about your sibling, parent, or best friend going through a break up/relationship like yours?

d: I wouldn’t wish this upon anyone I knew. Break ups suck and with people like Lucifer over here, they’re hell. I wouldn’t let the person I cared about get into this mess in the first place though, so there’s that.dave  c: you’re an idiot. i agree, though. dave has tried to get with plenty of my friends and i’ve done my best to keep them away from him to make sure none of them have to go through this d: You didn’t do too well with Bebe though, did you? c: well she isn’t with you now, is she? so i didn’t do too fucking bad d: Don’t you have somewhere else to be right now? c: anywhere would we better than here but there’s this thing called professionalism and that entails not walking out on an interview d: I knda wish you would just walk out c: if that’s what you want then maybe you should go d: I’m not going anywhere until this interview is done

in that case, what have you learned from the relationship? how about the breakup?

d: I learned that girls like Camille are hard to please and not to be tempted by a nice body. The breakup was a mess and I guess the moral is don’t cheat but the aftermath of this shows that you shouldn’t date a bitch in the first place c: do you even hear yourself? d: I stopped listening to myself a couple of weeks ago c: lucky you d: Thanks. I’ve been dead inside for even longer than that but this isn’t an interview on my current state of being 

no it isn’t…did you honestly expressed what it is that you want without trying to hide your vulnerability? or without judging or blaming your partner?

c: i’m not a very judgemental person, i’ve been through too much for that. i tried to accept him for everything about him but that was before i knew what an asshole he was. i didn’t care that he wasn’t a bad person, i only cared that he treated me like shit. as for the vulnerability thing, probably not. i don’t like letting people know when i’m vulnerable, especially not someone who i know will take advantage of it like he would have. d: I feel like I’m not a judgemental person either. I just know what I want and go to lengths to get what I want. I’m not blaming our shit relationship on her because it’s obvious I was in the wrong with it. Everything that’s happened afterwards is just her getting revenge…so I guess I do still blame her for other things, just not our relationship ending c: i’m not trying to get revenge on you, dave. YOU’RE doing shitty things. i’m just making sure everyone knows. d: Why do you even CARE WHO I DO “SHITTY” THINGS TO? NONE OF MY LIFE CONCERNS YOU ANYMORE c: BECAUSE THEYRE MY FRIENDS AND I DONT WANT YOU TO HURT THEM THE WAY YOU HURT ME d: STOP YELLING YOU’RE SCARING THE INTERN

i’m fine. do you feel as though your ex tends to drudge up old resentments during arguments?

d; I mean. This entire interview has been her bringing up old shit that’s happened so…yeah **c: **if you think this is resentment then you’re just as dumb as you look. d: Why wouldn’t you resent me after all I did to you? c: i’ve had more terrible things happen to me in my life than you can imagine, i don’t have any room in my heart for unnecessary resentment or to hold onto things that don’t matter anymore. d: Fine. Whatever. I don’t care what you have to say

clearly this isn’t a possibility but in some alternative universe if you two would get back together right now and nothing changed: would it be enough? why or why not?

c: no. it wasn’t enough last time. why would it be this time? d: It wouldn’t be enough cause it doesn’t matter what universe we’re in, she’d drive me up the wall c: likewise

mhm. how did you handle the break up? how long did it take to be okay with it? do you think your partner acted appropriately after you split?

d: Honestly I kinda just didn’t care. I moved on to the girl I cheated on her with and I was a lot happier after that **c: **he handled it like an idiot. i didn’t handle it that well but i was cheated on so of course i was a bitch about it. it didn’t take me long to get over it. there were a lot better men to be worried about.

are there any questions for your ex that have gone unasked? ask them now.

**d: **Why did you think I wouldn’t cheat on you Camille? We met in a sketchy setting that didn’t exactly scream romantic c: why did how we met mean you’d cheat on me? i thought you liked me. maybe i didn’t think you were the best person and maybe you didn’t think i was, but that didn’t mean we couldn’t have feelings for each other. i didn’t think you’d waste time in a relationship with me if you just intended to sleep with other girls anyways d: I didn’t think you’d piss me off as much as you do either so I guess we both made mistakes c: okay, dave. it’s all my fault. **d: **thank you for admitting it c: i was being sarcastic, dumbass

okay, okay. obviously we know dave cheated, dave do you think camille was faithful during your relationship?

d: Ehhhh I don’t think she cheated but given her reputation for fucking around, I wouldn’t exactly rule it out of the equation

was this break up a part of a familiar pattern? have you seen this before in yourself or in your ex? what do you need to do to take responsibility for doing things differently from now on?

d: I know for a fact that it’s not the first time I’ve cheated and this wasn’t the last time I did it. I’m trying to change but it’s not as easy as it seems. I don’t know about Camille. I know she has a lot of exes too so whose to say she’s any different than I am at the end of the day c: i haven’t cheated on anyone, stop trying to justify what you did and act like we’re the same. i know i can be hard to deal with, my father was incredibly abusive and whenever i’m sort of like an abused animal, when someone gets too close or someone’s bigger than me i go into fight or flight mode, i’m always ready to fight and defend myself even when i know i don’t need to be defensive and i know that causes a lot of problems. but i still don’t think i deserved to be cheated on. d: Thanks for the sob story I didn’t ask for c: i’m not fucking talking to you. i’m answering the question.

has the spark between you two truly and completely died?

c: the only spark i have for him is the one i get when i imagine how nice it’d be to kill him d: She says that but she still asked if I wanted to fuck a couple of weeks ago while I was with Julia still. Then she got mad that I denied her so I mean. Clearly she still wants to fuck but that’s her personal problem, not mine c: i asked you to fuck because i was sad and you’re easy, clearly i had a lapse in judgment. you also didn’t say no, you said you’d come after you saw someone else first and that i had to wait, and i was like nah fuck you. don’t twist things around like you always do. **d: **Clearly it was smart of me to not come to you at all in the end. I shouldn’t waste my time with you anymore **c: **okay dave. whatever you want.

what’s one thing that everyone needs to know about your ex? how about your relationship?

d: People need to know that though our relationship was fine and we didn’t fight a lot when we were together, this break up has been the messiest I’ve gone through so I guess be aware of that if you’re gonna date c: there you go trying to make me look like the bad guy again. be aware if you’re gonna date dave that he’ll cheat on you and then blame you for every single problem in his life.

[tumblunni]

MAN I tried messing around starting newgame plus on Digimon Cyber Sleuth, even though I’ve played more than enough already so I’m not really gonna play again so soon after finishing. And... WHAT THE HELL?? Seriously this is like a one game microcosm of how you don’t realise how much you’re being mistreated until you see how the other side lives. Specifically on the subject of weird minority stereotypes... The difference between the designs/animations/general presentation of the two gender options is REALLY BIZARRE?? I had no clue! Playing as the girl you just kinda think ‘yeah thats weird maybe’ but you dont realise the dude doesnt have the same problems. Like... she VERY MUCH suffers from the ‘miss male character’ trope. She’s the weird sort of ‘lol sexy genderswap deviantart fanfiction’ version of a female option. I thought I was just reading too much into it with how the girl is posed like a supporting character on the boxart and literally never appeared in any of the promotional material until the game came out... Its just so... ODD! Everything EVERYTHING about her is defined to be this overthetop stereotypical idea of ‘we have to let them know she’s the girl version’. She’s far more sexualized, she always does these ‘girly’ or ‘hot’ poses for LITERALLY EVERYTHING! Like, the dude’s animation is just running but she has to run with her arms wide out to the sides, skipping like a five year old and swaying her hips. And her standing pose also has the hands out, her toes inturned, her chest thrust forwards and this general sort of ‘tee hee hee’ thing?? It really REALLY started to bug me how her chest is ALWAYS thrust forwards, I started to get super anxious about ‘holy shit am I ever doing that when I walk and i dont know it? is this really how female bodies are supposed to work??’. Its like her resting pose is this thing and its extremely painful for her to fold her joints back into a normal mode. And she’s always always posing when the dude isnt posing AT ALL, even her selection screen image is her doing the ‘one leg bounces back while you kiss someone’ type pose, contorted into a wild accordion while he’s just looking at the camera. I jsut... didnt even realise what was bothering me so much about playing as this character, til i saw the total absence of it on the dude... SERIOUSLY! He doesnt have some overstereotypical super huge macho animation set, his design isnt made to yell ‘I’M MALE’, he isnt sexualized, he isnt the ‘one body type everyone in this gender has to have’. He’s a scrawny androgenous waif that could have worked equally well if you slapped the label female on that design, somehow to make him female they decided they had to scoop out holes in his waist and hips and shove them on his chest. While also adding a bazillion extra animations that make her walk around everywhere like that one damn gif of terrible ragdoll physics as some guy walks down a road. I did not understand that whole assassins creed controversy about ‘but women need more animations, it’d be too much work to add them’. NOW I UNDERSTAND. Why on EARTH do they think they need these animations?? Women dont have to do everything differently to men to prove theyre women, in real life literally nobody worries about accentuating stereotypical gender roles while doing COMPLETELY NORMAL THINGS. Women dont put huge effort into looking cute or sexy while they’re just frickin walking down the street or standing alone in the privacy of their own home. Its like these people know so little about women outside of hollywood femme fatale movies that they legit think that sort of walk cycle is biologically ingrained into one gender???? The fact nobody ever acts like macho bodybuilder walk cycles should be given to normal tiny teenagers in every situation makes it pretty clear the difference here... And seriously, what is even this universal THING that ‘male are default, you need to mark a character as different to show she’s female’? Which usually means making her more feminine than the real female actor playing her, like that even makes a damn lick of sense :P I mean seriously if we’re gonna talk actual biology, men are the ‘different’. A species cannot exist with only men, the only one sex species are all female. Or lack a sex, or contain both sets of genitals. Also there is at least one bird species that has two male genders as well as female. And male seahorses get pregnant, and male clownfish can physically transition into females as part of their natural life cycle. And all sorts of far more diverse things we humans can barely understand! And like... you can say ‘women are the different and men are the blank, because women have boobs and men don’t’. But you can also say that women are the default because men are the same thing with penises added. And seriously, boobs are just nipples that actually serve their intended purpose. Women have this extra function compared to men because MALE BREASTS ARE VESTIGAL! The organ still exists, it just sits there doing nothing and never changes at puberty. (Though even that is more fluid that you’d expect, there are ways to induce lactation even if you’re a cis man. i dont really know why anyone would want to do that, it wouldnt exactly work as well, but whatever.) Aaaaand OF COURSE this entire thing is a stupid argument anyway because it only talks about biology, which is not the same thing as gender. Not to mention that biological sex isn’t all cut and dry either, the human species has A LOT of different intersex conditions. You can even have people who don’t have significant enough outward symptoms to be recognised as intersex at birth, who go their whole life thinking they’re a cis male only to suddenly find out they had an undiagnosed hormone condition and are technically a trans man. There is most definately no magical biological guideline for how men and women act. Especially frickin stupid nonsense like overspecific cultural guidelines on what’s cute for a woman to do while running, geez. You really can;t just ‘tell’ that someone is ‘really a woman’ or ‘really a man’ cos of how they act, and thats why this stuff pisses me off even when the story isnt saying anything about trans people. I’m so used to seeing this overexaggerated japanese concept of feminine/masculine mannerisms being used on trans stereotypes, it bugs me even seeing it being done to cis women... gahh this has gone wildly offtopic and I’m just venting Everything Bad About Stereotypes rather than the specific thing about this specific game I need to logoff and go cheer myself up. OH BUT yeah this game also literally has a friggin ‘we can tell this man is really a woman because mannerisms’ scene :P which also dissappointed the hell out of me cos it seemed like a trans character and instead it was the cliche I Had Some Reason To Pretend To Be A Man thing... Also apparantly instead of acting like that male persona, the male persona was magical brainwashing virtual reality stuff. What a wasted opportunity! You could have told us a lot of stuff about her personality from comparing how she acted while under this other fake personality, and what it implies she hides from other people. Like ‘hey, maybe she actually can be confident as long as she’s wearing a mask!’ Nah, everything badass or tough or sassy she did was just mind control. And she’s not trans. And blehh being outed by ‘acting like a girl’... Its so weird cos the game actually does have one trans npc in a sidequest, and has trans themes with a few major digimon. In the sense that they were male in previous seasons and have designs considered ‘masculine’ but take female forms when disguising themselves as humans. (and the player-controlled versions of these digivolutions even have different masculine voices matching earlier seasons!) Gahhhh at least I can sit here hugging my ambiguously genderqueer alphamon headcanons and nobody can tell me those arent canon cos the question was never answered either way! I hate the cliche answer that ‘yes all alphamons are male cos they ‘look male’, this one was just a man disguised as a woman’, but still even if that was the intent, it means the character is trans coded! EITHER OPTION IS TRANS TIME protect me, alphamon protect me from super gender essentialist game how do you even EXIST in this game?? seriously even your human disguise was super fanservicey weird female stereotypes mannnnnn i guess I had a few problems with this game aside from the one stupid rape scene :P aaaaand the problem of the game clearly being written assuming nobody would play the female option, so characters still constantly call you ‘he’ and such the only good consolation being that the game accidentally becomes Hella Gay, though I would have preferred canon lesbians instead of this weirdness WHY CANT FEI AND YUUKO BE CANON IT GOT SO CLOSE TO BEING CANON THEN FEI DISSAPPEARED FROM THE PLOT FOREVER only reappearing as a postgame newgame plus bonus boss that makes it impossible to complete the damn Masters Cup damn you fei damn you awesome amazing hella gay fei whom i love you deserved to be in a better game you deserved to be the matt-esque rival, i will never forget that you started off teasing that role and then just vanished... HELL, CAN SHE BE THE PROTAGONIST OF A SEQUEL OR SOMETHING game entirely about her and yuuko’s amazing story of love! also alphamon wandering in just to yell ‘I AM CANONICALLY TRANSGENDER’, make everyone a cup of coffee, and leave aaaaa why did i spend so long rambling every single complaint about this game, games in general, gender stereotypes in gender, life in general... its weird how just realizing ONE THING about a stupid walk cycle animation made me realise my general nebulous feeling of uncomfortableness that I could never explain about this game :P I am really excited for digimon world next order being better than this!