#[tho i do have a couple of asks drafted that i will post tomorrow after work]

[drengar]

Been a rough few days at work and a bit of stress going on, hence the silence here. However, I have been working on things and saving them in my Google Docs whenever I can. I'm going to try to start posting stuff tomorrow/Tuesday. I really want to write with people but lately, I've just been in a bit of a gaming and chill mood.

[unactive-shroom]

≡;- ꒰ ° First Date (?) ꒱

Character(s): Yachi Hitoka

Fandom: haikyuu

Warnings: food mention; not proofread.

Reader: fem!reader

A/n: Hey guys!! So I know that I said I'd post some requests on Tuesday, but I've been feeling really sick since Sunday. As soon as I'm better I'll finish off the requests! I promise. And this was sitting in my drafts for so long, so I decided to just post this. In the words of Bo Burnham, I'm "feeling like a saggy massive sack of shit".

Stepping out of the shower, you quickly slipped on the comfortable outfit that you had laid out for your first date with Yachi Hitoka. Yep, your first date with Hitoka. You quickly styled your hair and stepped out your front door into the sunny day that was yours to claim.

You were meeting yachi in the local park near your house, so it wasnt much of a walk. the butterflies in your stomach quickly turned into a small hurricane as you approached tho park and saw yachi sitting on a dark green bench beside a fountain. You took a deep breath in an attempt to calm your nerves and you opened the side gate to the park.

"um.. hey Yachi!"

"y/n! Thanks for coming!" She said shyly, standing up from the bench. "Um so..do you- do you wanna go on a walk?"

You spent an hour or two just walking around the park, and after awhile you found somewhere to sit. At first it was awkward- just making small talk, talking about school, exams, weather, family.... But then you asked about the volleyball team. After that the conversation went alot more smoothly. Yachi had tons of stories from the club, like hinata and Kageyamas daily arguments, tsukishimas insults and of course, Noya and Tanaka's shenanigans.

After you had sat down, the conversation ceased. Not in a bad way, the silence wasn't the kind of heavy silence that tugged at your voice box, willing you to speak. It was the kind of silence that covered you like a soft, light blanket. It was comforting, soft and cheerful, much like yachi herself.

You both just sit back and relaxed, watching the people walk by, and listening to the birds. You glanced at yachi from the corner of your eye, and noticed that she was fiddling with a couple of little flowers. Cute, you thought absentmindedly.

After a few more minutes, yachi turned to you, with a slight pink tint to her cheeks. She held out her hand, and instinctively, you put yours under it. She opened her hand and out fell a bracelet made of the wild flowers she had been messing with. You gasped and smiled at her, immediately putting it on your wrist and engulfing her in a hug. After a few more minutes, yachi turned to you, with a slight pink tint to her cheeks. She held out her hand, and instinctively, you put yours under it. She opened her hand and out fell a bracelet made of the wild flowers she had been messing with. You gasped and smiled at her, immediately putting it on your wrist and engulfing her in a hug.

"um... Y/n?" She mumbled, hugging you back. You hummed in response, letting her go. " Do you wanna like, get a coffee or something? Not that I'm not having fun or anything! I am, of course but I just-"

"that sounds great yachi, I'd love to."

You stand up and offer her your hand. "Lead the way"

You walked hand in hand to the familiar café beside the park. You ordered your favourite drink, and yachi ordered a cinnamon hot chocolate. You spent the rest of your day talking about everything and anything, and as the sun set you exchanged promises of meeting up again in different places for another date, and eventually you both decided that you would meet yachi at the gym on Friday, where she would leave early and you would both go to that new waffle place. As you walked home, face still tinted pink from the goodbye kiss you had planted on yachis cheek, you were happy, and actually looking forward to school tomorrow.

All works done by @shroomluu . Do not repost, steal or copy my works :]

[heart-strong]

The Strongest Sense

Couple: Aaron Hotchner and enby Spencer Reid

Summary: (hurt/ comfort and fluff) After a long case and not enough sleep Aaron finds Spencer awake in the kitchen having intrusive thoughts.

WC: 2.6k

CW: talk about 5x01 (Aaron getting stabbed, Spencer getting shot), misgendering, nightmare, Haley's death mentioned, thoughts of self-harm (not actually self-harming tho), panic attacks, and mental illness mentioned. Tell me if I missed something, I’ll add it no question.

A/N: So about a month it was 2 in the morning and I was feeling really shitty about myself and my bestie just said "Evie you get really depressed when you're tired." and so I wrote the original draft of this and then went to bed. The wonderful @hermes-creature betaed for me go check them out!

read on AO3

- - -

Aaron shifts in the thick blankets, not opening his eyes just yet. Finally home after a week and the detailed case, he is happy to be in his bed. But as he turns his body into his pillow, Aaron registers the weight and sound of Spencer's weighted blanket on top of him. Times like this make him realize why Spencer likes the blanket; the weight makes it easier to sink into the bed. Except the blanket being on Aaron means Spencer is not in bed. He reaches out to his left just to double-check and feels the sheets cold. Aaron opens his eyes and turns to his nightstand, seeing it is only a quarter past two. He shucks off the blankets overpowering him and grasps for the pajama pants on the floor. The ones Spencer asked him to take off, "I want to feel your skin on mine, Aaron." Locating them, he shucks the cotton pants on and leaves the bedroom without another wasted second.

As he walks further down the hall and descends the stairs, the light brightens until he reaches the kitchen threshold. Spencer has curved his back over the kitchen island with lunch meats, a box of fruit snacks, and crackers with baggies, post-its, and markers are strewn around. Aaron has done this before; he walks to the other side of the kitchen island to the sink, pulling out two mugs and filling the tea kettle with water.

Spencer will have nightmares that don't wake Aaron. Then he will be up for a while before he can't sit still anymore. He leaves the bed to make or rearrange the lunches, reading a book, listening to music from his childhood to help him fall back asleep on the couch. This is a habit, but it doesn't make Aaron worry any less. Now he sets the stove alight and finally looks at Spencer.

Spencer's hair is sticking up in the back and right side, probably from watching Aaron sleep. His glasses are perched on the bridge of his nose, and one leg is tucked under an arm, contorting his body to be comfortable. He recognizes the oversized sweatshirt as his own as Spencer's one hand is swallowed up by the sleeve and atop his knee. Aaron also notes it's the knee he got shot no less than a year prior; the leg isn't covered in any fabric. He is currently scribbling a note on a blue post-it. When he secures it onto Jack's sandwich bag, he looks up at Aaron.

"Hey," Spencer whispers, careful not to wake Jack even though the boy could sleep through a hurricane.

"Hi," Aaron smiles, and as he hears the water start to boil, and turns it off before the whistle sounds. "What kind?"

"Peppermint, please."

"Of course." Aaron pulls out the box with the tea, taking out two bags and pouring the water, walking around to where Spencer is and sitting before he speaks again. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really, but then you got out of bed for nothing."

"What do you mean 'nothing,' Spence? You weren't in bed. You are half of my everything." Aaron reaches for Spencer's hand, but the younger man does not respond. Not even to flinch away as he sometimes did when the nightmares were most horrific.

"I wanted to cut," Spencer says as he weaves his fingers with Aarons.

"Baby, you could have woken me up." He feels 80 pounds heavier. What had he done to make Spencer not want to wake him when he thought of such dark things. Nothing Hotchner, he thinks to himself, Spencer's mental illness speaks louder when he's tired. At least that's what he thought; after long nights on a case, it always seemed harder for Spencer to find peace in his brain.

"Was it anything specific?" Aaron asked. Sometimes old cases where the team lost the unsub or victims hunted Spencer at night.

"Next week's going to be a year since I got shot and you were stabbed, Aaron."

"Oh." Aaron didn't realize it was that close; he still got pain all over because of that day. Or more like night. Time. That awful time.

"And it's hurting again," Spencer says. He got that far-off look that lets Aaron know to not interrupt, to just let him ramble. Making sure to tighten his grip on Spencer's hand but otherwise leave it be. "The dream was me getting shot, and it hurt just as bad. And then you were there. You were sitting above me, holding me. But then, where my hand was, on your shirt started to feel damp. The blood was soaking through your shirt. You fell unconscious, and I was sitting there helpless. The rest of the team took care of the press and Myers, and you're just bleeding out while I can't even hug you. Then I woke up, and my leg was hurting, and I just felt the dream both emotionally and physically, and I didn't want to tell you because it's the same day Foyet stabbed you. I didn't want to remind you. I just started thinking, if I need another surgery, how long will I need to stay back? How long will I hinder the team more than help? How long would I have to rely on your help so I can do basic things? Why would you want to help me again?"

"Hey, Spencer." Aaron can't let this go on further. "You just finished up a week-long case that ended with you needing to run to catch the unsub. Your knee probably hurts because you were on a plane not 12 hours ago, and you haven't been sleeping well since we were on a case. Your brain is overworked and now overthinking, Baby. Now, I am not trying to downplay your pain in any way, but this week has not been easy. Can we go back to bed? I can prop up your knee, and we can stay up talking. Give me all your thoughts, so you don't have to hold them to yourself. That sound okay?"

"Yeah, that sounds good," Spencer lifts the cooled tea to his mouth, finishing the rest. "But I can't walk," he added, suddenly laying on prime puppy eyes. "Can you carry me?" finishing it off with grabby hands blooming out of his sweatshirt sleeve and directed to Aaron as he stands reaching across the island for his tea.

He laughs, shaking his head down at Spencer. Aaron then pushes the hair that's fallen into his eyes away, tucking it behind his ear and moving into Spencer's arms. "I guess I can do that, but just this once. Can I finish my tea?"

"I guess." Spencer pouts as he wraps his arms around his boyfriend's middle.

Aaron drinks the room temperature drink while his fingers comb Spencer's hair flat. Spencer nuzzles into Aaron's abdomen, pressing his nose to his boyfriend and breathing in deep. A gesture that comforts them both, Spencer's weight on Aaron and loving his body no matter the damage. Because their job has damaged them physically. But Aaron prided himself that he could pick up Spencer and hold him the way he needs when the worst thoughts run rampant.

Aaron sets the cup back on the kitchen island and places his now empty hand into Spencer's hair. Spencer looks up at Aaron when his hands go to the nape of his neck, and Aaron can't help himself.

"Would a kiss help your pain?"

"It couldn't hurt more."

Moving one hand to Spencer's jaw and leaning down, they connect in a chaste kiss. It ends quickly with Aaron just melting into Spencer, kissing a trail from his mouth to jaw to neck, and hugging the younger man.

"Babe, I'm so sleepy." Spencer wines.

"Okay," Aaron laughs into Spencer's neck. "Shall we go back to bed?"

Aaron feels Spencer nod rather than sees it. He scoops up Spencer, taking his hand from Spencer's jaw and looping it under his knees. It earns a squeal from Spencer and makes Aaron smile.

Back in their room, Aaron sets Spencer on the big armchair in the corner of the bedroom surrounded by stacks of books. Spencer picks up a book off the top of one stack as Aaron flicks on the lamp on his nightstand. Usually, this chair is also adorned with Aaron's pressed suit he chose for that day. But tomorrow there is no work; tomorrow is a day in bed with his love and his son shuffling through the Netflix movie choices.

After setting Spencer down, Aaron grabs the glasses for water they both have on their nightstands and fills them with fresh water from their bathroom. Then back in the bedroom, Aaron sets up pillows halfway down the bed. He walks back to Spencer and picks him back up, kissing the top of his head. Then placing him on the bed and holding his knee gently as he adjusts the pillows perfectly for Spencer.

"Um, Ar, can you get another squishy one? There's more in the corner of the closet."

"Of course, my Love." Aaron lowers Spencer's knee to the pillow, squeezing his shin, and walks to the closet. After rummaging in the closet between Spencer's cane and brace, he finds one. "Is this one good?" He raises it above his head and squishes it for Spencer to see. It collapses immediately.

"Yes, and babe, my glasses are on the dresser, please?"

"Yes, anything else, my Prince?"

Spencer swallows before responding, "Gender-neutral pronouns?"

Aaron turns, glasses limp in his hand, looking at Spencer sitting in their bed. Not 20 minutes ago, Spencer told Aaron he wanted to cut when he woke. Now he didn't want to be a 'he.'

"Sweetheart, wait is that okay," Spencer nods to the fifth nickname that night. "How long have you been feeling these things? The self stuff and self-harm."

"I took some classes really early on in undergraduate, and I was intrigued. Then I went into the bureau, and Gideon told me how to look professional, and since he left, I kinda have been looking at things more."

"Spence," Aaron walks back to the bed and joins Spencer, handing them their glasses. "It's been about two years since Gideon left. Why haven't you told me."

"We weren't together. And then we were, and I didn't feel like myself because I didn't have Gideon to tell me what to do, how to look, and I had all these thoughts and you. God Aaron, you were so solid until, well."

"Yeah." They both knew they didn't have to say what the 'until' was. Aaron sits on the bed, placing the pillow below Spencer's knee. "I can't believe it hasn't been a year. And Jack, I am unbelievably glad I have you and Jessica, but sometimes he doesn't understand she's not coming back, and my little boy breaks my heart."

"Aaron, you don't have to," Spencer takes Aaron's hand and drags him closer to their body.

"No, Spence, I said we'll share our thoughts."

"But I don't want you to be sad."

"Do you want to change the subject?"

"Only if you want to," Spencer says. "But I want you to hold me, please. Like when I have panic attacks?"

"Of course. "Aaron takes the blankets where he folded them back before he placed Spencer in the bed and fit to their body. "Do you want your weighted blanket, or will it hurt more?"

"Can you take it off, please and be my weighted blanket tonight?" Spencer cards their hand through the short hairs by their boyfriend's ear before he leans away, picking up the 20-pound blanket and throwing it off the bed. "Thanks, Baby."

"Hey, that's your nickname." Aaron lies back down, slides his hand up their side, under their shirt, and swings his leg between Spencers, scooting as close to their side he can possibly get without hurting. "Unless you don't want that anymore. We can come up with others. I really,"

"Aaron, Babe. I just said it to throw you off. You can keep calling me 'Baby.'"

"Okay." He breathes out, thumping his head on Spencer's shoulder and moving his other hand up to Spencer's throat. Aaron feels the blood rushing beneath his fingers and threading them through the hair on Spencer's neck. "But," he looks up to meet Spencer's eyes. "What do you want me to call you?"

"Partner?" Spencer speaks as if they were answering Aaron when at work about the timeline for the geographical profile.

"Okay. I can do that." Aaron lays his head on Spencer's heart, still looking up at them. "What do you want Jack to call you? Do you want to tell Jack?"

"Jack can call me Spencer or Spencie like he does already." Spencer won't make eye contact as they sink their head into the fluffy pillow behind their head. "We just have to talk to him about it. I know of this book for kids. It's a chapter book, but super simple, and we can read it to him. It's a way to explain to kids transgender and pronouns."

"That sounds perfect. Do you want to tell the team?"

"Well, and don't be mad, but Penelope already knows and kinda Derek. I just told him that I was doing self-talk in gender-neutral pronouns recently, and he just told me to keep him up to date."

"Spencer, I am so sorry that I made you feel like I would get mad at you. We work with people and kids constantly going through similar things, and they are always afraid of telling their significant others. They think they'll leave them because of it. I understand. And with Penny."

"Right." and as Spencer realizes what Aaron said, they shoot up in bed. "Oww," They scream as their knee-jerked when they sat up.

"Hey, you okay, Baby?" Aaron sits up as he was relocated to Spencer's lap when they sat up. He then grabs Spencer's face on both sides and strokes his thumbs over their cheekbones.

Spencer nods with a whimper that sounded to be a close resemblance to a positive confirmation. "You didn't make me feel bad. It's exactly what you said. It's just harder to tell significant others rather than friends sometimes. Especially when friends are in the queer community."

"Well, I'm glad you told me, baby." Aaron kisses Spencer's cheek. "do you want to lay down again?"

"Yes, please. How you were before was really comfortable."

"Okay." Aaron lowered Spencer's head back onto the pillow. He slotted himself snugly to Spencer's body, one arm up to their shirt and the other brushing back the hair that had fallen into Spencer's eyes. "like this?"

"Yes. Um," Spencer wriggles their shoulders into the pillows then wraps their arms around Aaron. "I like being able to look at you like this. And your body is nice pressure."

"So much so you might fall asleep?" Aaron's dancing his fingers back against Spencer's artery.

"No." Spencer then yawns, covering their mouth with the sleeve of the sweatshirt sleeve tucked under their thumb, making 'sweater paws.'

"My pretty Spencer, you need to sleep," Aaron says. "You'll feel better after a long night's sleep, and if you don't, still thinking those bad things, I'll call the team phyc."

And there, in the warm glow of the bedside table lamps and the weight of their boyfriend, their accepting love-of-their-life boyfriend, Spencer shuts their eyes. Feeling safe as they feel their own blood rush and touch of Aaron's fingers.

"I love you, Spence," Aaron mouths into their throat.

And in response, Spencer tips their mouth to Aaron's hair. "I love you, Aaron." Making sure their nose is full of Aaron, as it's the strongest sense.

[cataclysmofthemasses]

*Sees your reply to that Anon asking for an Astroturtle smut fic. Me, who has some explicit headcanons for the pairing* Oh no, please don’t judge me.

Seriously though I enjoy reading your TMS stories. The Astroturtle ones are my favorite. I have to ask, out of curiosity, do you plan on writing more Astroturtle stories? No I don’t mean ones with smut. I assume that’s not your thing.

Also, I’ve noticed that Mallard has become one of your favorites. Does this imply any possible fanfics starring him?

Hi anon! Nice to see ya :D

Future Cata here: this post is long, sorry! I tend to get excited and ramble :')

Not judging, honestly, as long as you don't go "hEY WRITE SOME SEX AND MAKE IT STEAMY" or drop into my inbox with "WatchMojo Top 10 Astroturtle Smut Headcanons" lmao.

I'm... well, see, on one hand I'm soooorta trying to figure out how to branch out into explicit stuff? Because a good author should be able to cover just about all major themes and topics? But also I'm definitely not taking requests for it (ever, do not ask @/people who think they can get away with it), I'm probably never going to publish it because I uniformly suck at it, and definitely not before I turn 18. So we can generalize and say "not my thing", it's not really my cup of tea so :').

(What is my cup of tea? Screaming into a Keep Notes draft and stacking as much trauma as I can on all my favorite characters to try to work through massive internalized homophobia/transphobia... Yeah, I've realized I have a "type", at least recently. Please give me good fluff fic ideas so I can write happy things again...)

Anyways, on to your questions!

Fun fact! I started an Astroturtle long fic draft like, after Season 3. It's been rotting in my works, maybe 1/3-1/4 complete, for over a year now, and I can't see myself getting back to it. A friend and I had planned it out together; now that we've fallen out massively, it further buried my already low desire to work on the fic. I could post what I have, but it feels disingenuous to pass it off as completely my own, and I don't want to stir up shit again with my former friend. Besides, it's not my best work (at least imo).

As for future Astroturtle fics, I do want to get back into writing them! But I also have a couple of other fics I'm working on. Hold on, lemme grab them. Not all are TMS though... Most aren't actually :')

- DSMP rewrite fic (Lies the Rebels Told Us, being updated as I write chapters which is HELLA slow but I definitely wanna get back into it. It's on Ao3 under my alt aphotic-serendipity. Fair warning, it's Schlatt-centric - I know a lot of people are not okay with him even as a character, so...)

- Definitely-never-gonna-be-canon oneshot of two of my favorite characters in a sorta-fringe game that people don't really write about. (King's Raid. It's so much fun, I love it, if you play I'll love you and give you tips and obsess over it indeterminately.)

- Backstory fic for my favorite RP character rn. (Probably never leaving that RP group tho bc I wouldn't have an audience, but I adore Shiloh, even if he'd hate me irl.)

- TMS Season 5 "Danganronpa"-esque fic. (Danganronpa in quotes because it is definitely not Danganronpa enough to qualify - you'll be able to tell I have never played the games. Saw another TMSxDangan fic and got inspired because - oh! one of my first followers (on my main, @tmsincorrectquotes ) writes some super cool Danganronpa stuff! tagging @mewmewchann here so you can check her out bc I adore reading Hope's Chains!! - so yea I saw what she's been up to and I thought "hey lemme try that but make it TMS!" haha.)

- One or two vague ideas that might or might not gain traction.

- And I can answer that Mallard question, because guess what? I WROTE A MALLARD ONESHOT A FEW DAYS AGO! It's my first real writing in a while so I'm stupidly proud of myself, bear with me. I'm either going to publish it today or tomorrow, depending on when I force myself to do it and if anyone reads it haha. And I think I have another idea in the works :D

As for Astroturtle... Outside of the aborted fic, I really don't have ideas for them rn - at least, not any I'd see myself writing. I'm always open to good ideas though! I'll definitely think a little more about them in the future and see if I can't get something to snowball :)

I tend to write oneshots in literally one shot, mostly from 11 PM to 2 AM, which does not mesh well with waking up at 4 AM for school (in New Jersey but remote learning at a Swiss university). In addition, life's been kicking me in the ass recently and I have a lot of assignments to do - off the top of my head, I have at least three, if not four, 1000+ word essays and a speech to do for/by next week. That's not saying I'm never going to write again, mind you, but don't expect miracles :')

Also, endnote - I'm so happy people still read my stuff!!! Like, I've had people who tell me over a year later that "oh my god I adored Double Stake or Split and it's made me ship Piquet and look at these headcanons" and I ALWAYS die a little inside from sheer joy. Btw, for anyone who might be so inclined: You can ALWAYS write inspired works from my stuff or draw stuff from it or design things or even animate them if you're that much of a god! Just please tag me (and credit please) so I can see them and simp massively. I love you all, really.

Okay, I've rambled enough. Cata out! o7

[t-underneaththeradardancing]

its darker than it looks - prob could get a better shot - later - if i remember - i rather gaze than shoot - have gone out specifically to shoot the moon and forgot while  eye view  

im not a photographer  true 

maybe imma shaolin stylin yah like a gung fu carradine  - a virtual grasshopper not dennis but old af  - flux siri i said flux   - this iz reel deal scene 

i think but then again 

i been told im a wee bit uh 

delusional? 

i could method man an absent minded professor while my hare duz an einstein  - while doin back flips -  there t   thats the delusional  and no ur not a fading rawk star either despite the 30 made a couple weeks ago  - not even a has been  lol  there never were the glory days not even minutes  - wait there wuz a set in front of a thousand ppl and they danced and applauded like hippies - t that wuz awmost 50 fukken yrs ago and as i remember you wuz last billed playing a benefit for peace in a street dance that you proposed - provided the equipment for and some promoter took over  - fuck u creeping dementia or exhaustion or meds my memory is fine - mostly - tho reminders daily of exactly - how old af i am  lol    we lol a lot lately sending frog emoji freely fairly frequent - oh yay  - its tomorrow - frog friday  - except for a paucity - of - uh - froggies in my drafts  - im ahead of the game and there r sure 2 b many in the morning  - feel free to freak freely - no - i meant - to hop on board like a love train meeting peace frog  

do u talk w your oh appliances for instance - do some have personalities  - peculiarities  - some are just plain quirky - my kettle for instance - spits burps and flips its lid literally  - sometimes i beg them to work cuz they tek and ....if u cant finish that line i dont know y i even bother  - this is interactive as fuck if u dont real eyes  - well thats some thing  - did i post chet faker  - i will check but 

u sposed to laff - throw stuff at ur screen - close ur paptop in diss gust - dance - sing along to the songs ffs  - write graffiti  ( t - u lucky anybody reeds u atol and no u aint that clever )  watever 

its later the sky is darker - the moon brighter  - gotta make some dinner but 1st the unpoet chops the garlic - chopping garlic still painful af go figure  - i think imma pome a couple fragments like an alternative reality  - the last time truman capote was in sf  - committing grievious insult to the brain - he was drinking at the kokpit and no it wuz not an airplane themed pilot bar lol  - now why tf does that pop in my head while cooking dinner - gawd i hopez frogs rnt prudish  - r they - no - prudent maybe except when it comes to eating - i wunder wat happen ifn i google - this gonna sit in drafts until at least midnite sister iggy get jiggy  so u dont hafta entertain urselves waiting  (newsflash t - ur uh poetry - is not published in real time w breathless readers hanging on and waiting for every wurd  - u r delusional )  - ok u aint gonna belief this - there is a website that has “everything u wanted to know about frog sex but were afraid to ask “ lol i aint afraid of no ghost  - hmm false advertising or they post fax sequentially as discovered - so latest is a new position for frog sex discovered   https://daily.jstor.org/everything-you-ever-wanted-to-know-about-frog-sex-but-were-afraid-to-ask/      i let u read urself  but i think it answer question - i mean prudish frogs wouldnt find new positions after all theses years - would they 

discuss cuz my mind is empty  - ooooooo zen af   lol    btw paptop wuz a typo witch made the poem better  - do u know @potato  - funny af yo

lets talk about my kitty :) a good one i love her so much 

yay its after midnight or 2morrow or frog friday  the 13th   its ok im not a mason 

thats nightz templar t   u always think its perry mason guilty    anyway on a fri 13 in the oh lets say middle ages cuz lazy af and too tired to look up - the pope idk which one - btw the church owed plenty $$$ to templars and templars may have had some dirt on the church or pope - so they rounded up and tortured or deaded - a few escaped - but the mass country wide - france i think it was - round up of templars was onnna fri 13   

was that a fun fact or a tangent  - r tangents tangy - remember tang the space drink  - the jetsons were only on 1 season i liked the theme song 

still a dish or 2  - more like a sink full  - i should b doing laundry 

insted hedfonz el vy  a quick text 

duckling teenz accounted for  - yah nightly cuz they dont want me to worry sleepless  - which i dont do usual  - and we wish each other good night and good morning often usually daily - and omg emojis - is this thing gonna work out  - yah in some form or fashion w input varied - might need another partner - one who work for 0 $ lol  - tho commissions and sales and we barely start marketing those should increase - and our web site unfinished but there are a couple good reasons  

sorry if u only reading cuz of froggies and wonder if t ever gonna stfu 

laterz 

love 

[whatbutandreil]

i had an ask sitting in my inbox for a couple of months bc i didn't really know what i wanted to say, but i lost the ask:/

unfortunately, when i tried to save my response to my drafts, tumblr just,, fuckin deleted it, so im sorry to whoever asked it:/ but i have my response now. the ask said "what(or who) got you into tfc?" to the person who asked this question, thank you. this has been a really great reflection. so uh,, here's my answer:

·

i kinda hate the way i came into tfc bc it was in a way that didn't respect the wishes of my, now friend on twitter, ziegenkind.

·

basically, i was scrolling on pinterest, as you do, and i fell into a hole of like,, gay fanart? (not a question, just a little self-reflection on how fucking queer i am. how did i not fucking know?)

·

anyway, so, i was scrolling, as you do, and i found @ziegenkind 's stunning painting of andrew and neil on the bottom bunk of the dorm bed (y'all know the one) and i was like "whooooo,, the fUCk are these two cuties (ʘ‿ʘ)??"

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PSA : DONT REPOST PEOPLE'S ART WITHOUT THEIR PERMISSION, ESPECIALLY IF SOMEONE EXPLICITLY SAYS NOT TO. THIS COUNTS AS REPOSTING IF YOU POST SOMEONE ELSE'S ART TO PINTEREST, INSTAGRAM, TUMBLR, TWITTER, FACEBOOK, ANY SOCIAL MEDIA. DO NOT QRT PEOPLE'S ART ON TWITTER IF PEOPLE SAY NO. YOU ARE NO EXCEPTION. AND DONT FUCKING ERASE PEOPLE'S WATERMARKS AND DEFINITELY DONT REPLACE THEM WITH YOUR OWN. DONT FUCKING DO IT. to the lovely ziegenkind, (it's julian from twitter (^o^)丿) it's so fuckin unfortunate that i found your art through reposts and it's fucking horrible that people don't listen, but thank you for being my bridge into this fandom and im very grateful to have found you and been able to talk with such an angel. you quite literally changed my life forever and i can't thank you enough:') im eternally grateful for that. BUT DONT FUCKING REPOST DIPSHITS

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anyway, so, naturally, i sat in my bed for 3 hours at 1am on a school night, as you do, scrolling through andreil fan art and trying to figure out who the fUCK they were and what they were from. i found tfc and immediately downloaded it on my phone

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i didn't get to reading it for a bit tho:/ abt a week later, i was brought to the emergency room bc i was planning to kill myself. id been diagnosed with depression for around a year, who knows how long i was suffering before that, and i was hitting my lowest. it was abt 2 weeks after new years and on new years eve, i was planning on ending it bc i couldn't fathom dealing with it for another year. another year of feeling nothing or everything all at once. but my mom had called me downstairs to go to a new years party, so i didn't go through with it. abt 2 weeks later, i had seen my therapist again, and i was deflecting hard core, and she saw it, and she sent me to the ER. i was evaluated all night, but i wasn't kept for observation since i told the nurse that the thoughts had passed. i was taken out of school and put in an outpatient program where id have group for 4 hours and school for 2. every morning for abt a month, i would get picked up at my house in a minivan and id have a good 20-25+ min drive to program.

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every. single. morning. on the van, i would read tfc. every morning. i was going through, what i thought to be the worst time of my life (i now know that it in fact DID get worse and now we're going on a new level of bad, but then it was the worst id experienced) every morning i was reading about neil and him running from his father, something ive wanted to do for years. reading about andrew struggling with depression and self harm like i am and despising most touches bc of people in his life that ruined it, similar to how someone ruined it for me and doesn't understand that "no" means "no". reading about nicky learning to love and accept himself for being gay, for being who he is like ive been trying to accept myself being a queer ace trans boy. reading about kevin trying to cope with his anxiety, even if it's in an unhealthy way, the same way i do. reading about renee growing up one way and wanting to become a better person, something that i want to do every day. reading abt matt overcoming his addiction and loving his friends with his whole heart. reading about dan standing up for herself and being proud of who she is. reading abt allison cutting away the people in her life who wanted to hold her back. reading about aaron and andrew work through their differences to try and salvage their relationship. reading about neil taking his life back and living it the way he wants, on his terms, like i so badly crave to do. reading about neil and andrew finding a respectful and loving relationship, one where all boundaries are respected, not crossed, where there is comfort in being together and a certain understanding on a level that others could never wrap their mind around. the kind of relationship that i have always, always, yearned for, where i feel safe and loved and respected.

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these books taught me not only to die for the ones i love or kill for them, but to live for them, and to me, that is a much more daunting and difficult task.

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All For the Game gave me hope, something i never thought id have again. it gave me hope for tomorrow. and the day after that. and a month after that. and it gives me hope that one day, i will get away from my father, i will be comfortable with who i am and love myself for it, i will find ways to cope with my anxiety properly, i will be proud of the person i have become, i will have friends who i love and who love me, i will stand up for myself and be proud to be the person ive become, i will surround myself with good people and cut away those who treat me wrong and hold me back, i will work to repair and maintain good relationships.

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it gives me hope that i will finally break away from the pain and start to live my life the way i want, as the person i was meant to be, the way i was meant to live my life.

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it gives me hope that i will overcome my depression, that i will find the strength to stop harming myself to cope, that i will find the strength to push through, even after ive been given every reason to just give up.

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it gives me hope that one day, i will find a person who will love me for who i am, love me despite my past and the scars i carry, love me in a way that i'll never be able to explain or understand. that i will find someone who respects my boundaries, who asks "yes or no?" before touching me, who respects if i say "no" and still fucking loves me regardless. someone who can feel like they can be completely themself around me, and that i can feel the same around them. someone who will fall in love with me a little more every day. someone who i'll fall in love with a little more every day.

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it gives me hope that one day, hopefully someday soon—but i think im willing to wait—i will be happy.

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All For the Game quite literally changed to course of my life, and i can say with confidence that without it, i would not be here right now.

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people say that books and shows and movies change there life all the time, but i know that i wouldn't be here without it. these books saved my fucking life. i wouldn't have experienced those mornings, walking into program with a goofy smile on my face, practically vibrating with what i now know was joy, blabbing to every person i ran into that morning abt a boy with scars and a sharp tongue on the run and the small, depressed and angry blond who told him to stay. or nights when i sobbed and sobbed for those boys who deserved better. and i wouldn't have gotten black armbands to cover my scars and match with my two biggest inspirations. or when i have a bad impulsive thought, i wouldnt have a voice in the back of my head going "what would andrew say? what would neil say?" and the vivid image of the small blond giving me a stare, face carefully blank, yet eyes swimming with a mix between disapproval and hope, and the boy covered in scars tentatively giving me a hug, a bit awkward at first, but he's a lovely hugger and eventually, awkwardness turns into comfort. without it, i don't think id know what pure, honest love is supposed to look like.

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sorry, i suppose this got quite a bit off track from what got me into aftg, but once i started writing, i couldn't stop.

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TLDR; i saw fanart on pinterest, DONT REPOST ART WITHOUT PERMISSION, and my life was saved and changed for the better by a book that i stumbled upon, purely by chance.

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i don't believe in fate, but i do think that i found these books for a reason, and that my life changed because of it. i suppose you could call it the butterfly effect.

[dcarhcarts]

regarding recent absences

And other such updates!

If you want the tl;dr, here it is: my mental health isn’t in the greatest place right now, and I figured I ought to explain why I must ask you for continued patience for the snail speed on this blog. I’m not announcing official hiatus, but just know that I...might continue to be pretty scarce, but I’m trying my best to be here and to be writing here. To hopefully get me more active here, I plan on dropping a few threads and cleaning out my dash re: people who follow me but aren’t writing with me. You’re more than welcome to keep following me if I unfollow you, and if you want to write with me and just haven’t gotten the chance and would like me to re-follow you, pls just go ahead and shoot me an im. I will be making a separate post about both those things, it’s just that I can’t deal with how fast my dash is moving at the moment.

If you care for the long version, under the cut so as to not bother everyone else!!! Be warned that it’s uh...it’s l o n g. TW for depression and anxiety and the general things my brain does to me lolol. 

Wow I haven’t used the post title function in a l o n g time. Anyway, hi, it’s me, Ro, your friendly neighborhood mun of a 20+ muse mumu. Don’t let the kind-of-serious format scare you - nothing bad is happening. I just have a few things that I felt the need to address that have been happening either in my life or just in my screwed up brain :D Buckle in and get ready for the ride, I guess?

Starting with something y’all already know about - I’ve not been here a lot recently. I joke about that a lot, but really, if you catch the pattern, my activity here is: exclusively after 10 pm, 2 drafts at most a day, inbox straight up clogged from like a month ago. IMS basically desolate, because I haven’t worked up the courage to pick them back up since I last forgot about them in the endless stream of things I had to do about a month ago! (that being said, uh, if you want to talk to me your best bet is probably through discord. Ro#6782 - pls, mutuals only, and tell me who you are!)  

And - because I h a t e being that mun that reblogs memes and asks for for them and then never answers their askbox / puts out starter calls when she has 10000 drafts / puts out plotting calls when she has unanswered ims, (no problem at all when other people do this but somehow when it’s m e I’m like “no you’re a terrible person”???? hmmm), I’ve also been avoiding t h o s e. If you’re new and you followed me in the last month, I’ve been putting out n o t h i n g that indicates a willingness to interact with new/more people, while the opposite is true. I’m always willing to interact - if I follow back, I want to write with you, only, well, aforementioned issue aside, I also have m o r e problems.

Namely, IRL and the fucked up thing called my brain. 

As most of you know, I got a job ~end of may or early juuuune~ and....well it’s pretty damn time consuming. I can’t have my phone during the course of my job - by the way, 4 hours - and so in those 4 hours (from 4 pm to 8 pm) I can basically get nothing done here. Then there’s also the fact that the time my shift is placed mentally and physically drains me a lot. Because it starts at 4, most of my morning is spent thinking “god I don’t wanna go to work” and because it ends at 8, most of my evening is spent trying very hard not to doze off. It also drains me a lot socially - I work at a call center, and all day I’m basically calling people who don’t want me to call them and are very irate even when they pick up, and uh, that already doesn’t do well for my anxiety haha. 

The other thing, of course - is my sort-of-seasonal depression. Winter tends to equate to anxiety for me, and summer tends to equate to depression. Again, I think I’ve joked about this a lot, but I apparently can only do drafts when I have 3 finals tomorrow and I haven’t studied for any of them. When it’s break, I get into a really weird slump - when i wake up in the morning, I don’t really want to wake up, and sometimes just stare at the wall for like, an hour. Nothing that I enjoyed during the other months, I seem to enjoy doing now. There’s too much time and too little time. It’s like i spent the whole day doing absolutely nothing meaningful but I can’t break myself out of the cycle so I keep doing that, rinse and repeat day after day, and sometimes my definition of spending time is just lying down in bed again and doing nothing for an hour randomly in the middle of the day. I feel guilty for wasting time as much as I am clueless as to how to fill it in a fulfilling way. “But Ro, you could do drafts!” A Concerned Person May Say. “You like writing!” Well, Kind Person, on some of these days, absolutely n o t h i n g Sparks Joy. 

“But Ro, I follow you on your other blog too!” The Concerned Person might continue.“You’re kind of active there, aren’t you?” And the answer, Kind Person who supported my career even if that blog is mostly obscure af fandoms - is yes.  I am kind of active on my other blog, @storyblcd. This brings us to the third and final reason why I’m.....moving at snail’s speed here, and that, my good friend - is anxiety. Well, mixed with a certain amount of mental exhaustion, of course. Note: this is n o t anyone’s fault. People’s interactions with me have not been negative - and they are not responsible for how my brain chooses to reaact to it. 

I’ve not lost muse for the muses on this blog, per se - but I’m getting burned out really fast writing them, for multiple reasons. First, muse imbalance. Now I know, I definitely k n o w - that sometimes people like one muse more than another, or have more interest in writing with one or the other, and I get that. I’ve said multiple multiple times that that is p e r f e c t l y fine. But honestly the reason I’ve lasted so long on a multimuse is because I can pick which muse I have muse for when, and I can respond accordingly / ask for interactions accordingly. But when I get so many people coming at me at once for the o n e muse when I have t w e n t y it sometimes gets a little? Discouraging? It makes me question whether or not only that one muse is popular for a reason. It also exhausts me re: the portrayal of that muse, because I”m putting out so many replies for that muse in a lot of sort of similar plots/scenarios that I just get burnt right out. And then I get scared that if I keep going I’ll want to drop the muse, so I’m staying away from those threads a little bit.

Second, I’m at a point in my portrayal of certain muses where I feel like there’s a certain expectation for how it’s going to be. My personal feelings aside, I think every mun expects their own portrayal to be different and unique and exciting - and it’s not different for me, only now I feel like the expectation and the pressure of coming up with something good and meaningful outweighs the feeling of exploration as I’m “discovering” the muse. Like most writers - I still crave validation, though more and more lately, I’m at a place in my writing where I f e e l like me from 2 months ago could have probably done a better job. While it’s not necessarily true, and these pressures are coming from m e and not any outside source, I f e e l like I have to consistently Make Good Writing, and simultaneously feel like some days I sit down and I try to do drafts and all I write is garbage. It just - doesn’t feel the same? So - more and more, I’m staring at the empty drafts page and then closing it - because if I don’t w r i t e I don’t have to admit I peaked two months ago.  

Both of these reasons have made me rather a bit avoidant of my muses here / this blog. Now, I’ve been struggling with anxiety for long enough that I know that a lot of this is - well, p r o b a b l y just my brain lying to me. See even as I’m writing this post now, my anxiety is saying “haha guess what n o one cares you’ve been gone” and my rational Anxiety-is-a-stupid-asshole voice is saying “nahhhhhh your brain is probably just lying to you.” But! In the battle, anxiety is kind of pummeling me now. I will r i s e again and win the war, most likely - but for now it’s anxiety: 1 and ro: 0.

AND finally - if you made it all the way down here, you’re a c h a m p. The solution! Well, as much of a solution as I’m hoping to get anyway - we’ll have to see if it implements well. I’m going to unfollow a few blogs so I can get my dash cleaner/more organized/less fast-moving and b r e a t h e. I’m going to drop a couple of threads, I might make a couple more muses request only/exclusive only for the like 2 people that have threads with them, I might drop a couple muses (though I don’t think this will really happen, Idk tho). There will be separate posts on those things coming soon, this is just to notify y’all. Thank you for all of your patience, thank you for all the wonderful people who’ve allowed me to write with you, I love all of you!!!!

[mxxstiq]

please read

update on mxxstiq: she ended up a nasty bruise on her shin and a couple bruises on her chest/torso. she’s fine tho, still bitchin and complaining. she said she was gonna bring shinobu’s sword in to fuck up the guy even more but our friends talked her out of it. (technically if she brought it in she’d be allowed to carry it around as long as she doesn’t attack anyone. she’s licensed, remember?)

account/posting update: i have access to this account 24/7 now as mix gave me the login info. i’ll add stuff like (- faust) at the end of posts that are mine along with the tag (#it’s time for faust). mix won’t put her name at the end of posts but she’ll use (#mxxstiq answers shit) for answering asks and for prompts she’ll use (#mxxstiq writes)

writing boundaries: i’ve decided that i’m going to start writing again. it’s been years since i’ve last wrote something proper and as you’ve all seen with the little prompt i made, i’m very very rusty. i’m gonna try and adapt to mix’s style so there will be somewhat of a consistency. we will both only be doing prompts. remember to clarify if you want mix or i to write your ask. here are my boundaries:

Mxxstiq will not write smut, she will only imply.

faust:

will write smut (no vore, p!ss/sh!t kink, age play, etc)

will take requests, no demands.

will write for shinobu and mitsuri (gotta keep this consistent)

i reserve the right to refuse to write a request if i so choose.

a message from mxxstiq: mix and i were texting last night and she wanted me to post something for you guys. copy and pasted from our texts:

heyo guys, it’s mxxstiq. the past couple of days have been hectic and i apologize. i’m just trying to figure stuff out but hopefully i’ll be back to being active/posting either tomorrow or the day after. as i’m sure faust already mentioned, i have given them full access to this blog. it might be a little chaotic at first but we’ll all get the hang out it. i do have some blurbs saved in my drafts that i will finish and post soon but i don’t want to give a timeframe. i’ll see you guys soon <3

that’s all for now. feel free to ask any questions.

[tvwolfsnake]

can you think of any relatively recent Good Films that have flopped financially, i hear "make good movies" said a lot as an anathema to financial failure, even tho lotsa bad films manage to succeed. nowadays with review aggregate sites people tend to think if its good theyll hear about it and itll succeed. do you think the flop-then-classic still exists?

(finally finished my response to this. had to let it sit in my drafts for a few days because it got unmanageable. sorry for the wall of text)the answer is: yes, but I understand what you mean about it being...different.

first off, I just gotta say: I hate “make good movies”. it’s one of the most ignorant statements I’ve ever heard about the commerce of art, especially the film industry, and it just keeps coming up. thank you for bringing it up in this context because I’ve been meaning to yell about it for ages. I have problems with current hollywood, yes—I’ve listed them out enough—but the answer is never as simple as “make good movies”. so much, so goddamn much of the film industry is based in pure luck. bad movies can make a lot of money and good movies can bomb. it’s timing, it’s environmental factors, bad ad campaigns, uncommunicative titles, lack of stars, presence of overexposed stars, too funny too serious too light too heavy too long too short too trivial too dense, and you can guarantee that hollywood will take the exact wrong lesson from its failure, compounding the problem. it’s likely that probably everyone reading this post has a favorite film or two that they don’t realize flopped massively at the box office. and it’s shocking, oftentimes! I think the shawshank redemption is probably one of the most popular “favorite movies”. I liked it okay, but a lot of people clearly consider it the best film they’ve ever watched, based on imdb ratings alone. (not, obviously, that this is an indication of the film’s relative merit, just an aggregate of a certain segment’s opinion on its merit.) and it bombed. barely made half of its budget.(a quick primer on what constitutes a profit on a film, since I know it’ll get asked otherwise: yr easy rule of thumb for american films is that 50% of the domestic gross goes to the studio. it’s less well-defined for international box office, but a rule of thumb I’ve seen floating around is ~33%. so if ½ of the domestic box office and 1/3 of the international don’t add up to a number greater than the budget, yr film likely didn’t make a profit. it probably didn’t anyway, because advertising budgets are not counted in the film budget but are expected to be recouped through the gross. some people have said that marketing budgets can typically be estimated as equal to the budget of the film. I don’t think this is always true but regardless, it is there. this, yes, is how BvS made ~$800 million and still probably failed to make money. to say nothing of hollywood accounting.)all this and I haven’t even gotten to the real meat of why this meme sucks: ARTISTIC QUALITY IS NOT MEASURED BY PROFITABILITY. I KNOW IT’S IN RESPONSE TO HOLLYWOOD LAMENTING THE POOR PERFORMANCE OF CERTAIN FILMS AT THE BOX OFFICE BUT THE POPULAR DISCOURSE AROUND FILM IS INEXORABLY TIED TO FRAMING BOX OFFICE PERFORMANCE AS A WIN/LOSE NARRATIVE AND WE NEED TO BREAK AWAY FROM THIS AS A CULTURE, HOLY SHIT.anyways the phrase is just so self-congratulatory. “yes. I have solved the problem of you sucking so much. have you considered…sucking less? take a moment to bask in my genius.” always doubt oversimplifications. I’m a much bigger fan of the phrase’s more thoughtful cousins where people actually take a second to come up with potential solutions to the problem that don’t involve sticking to the same old thing. I mean, I’m skeptical, because hollywood is notoriously risk-averse and has built up a culture where, for once, they do have a sure thing on their hands, thanks to how they’ve stacked the deck, but regardless, “how about making more films that don’t center a white cishet male default” is an actual worthwhile suggestion. that film can still bomb, sure, but audiences do not just crave familiarity. they crave a fresh outlook too. and when it comes to artistic merit, better an interesting film that bombs than a boring film that makes a couple mil. but hollywood, unfortunately, is purely profit-driven gambling. they have many directions they could experiment in that they just won’t.(until, of course, one person tries it and succeeds, and then suddenly it’s the norm, we need twenty of that, option every script even remotely related, quick, quick!)aaaaanyways, in answer to the actual question: this is a hard one, because flop-then-classic often requires time for the film to pass through the “cult” stage and it’s difficult to gauge audience consensus. in general I think it’s too early to tell, but I will hold up pacific rim as a potential example. it’s an easy one because in at least the online popular consciousness there was an immediate outcry over its box office performance. unlike most flop-then-classics, where the word-of-mouth style “did you hear this film you missed is actually really good?” moves slowly and can take decades, the theatrical release of pacific rim was a constant litany of “you need to see pacific rim, here’s why”. I’m not saying it’s a modern classic, but films need time to reach that point anyways. what it is is a popular movie on home video and VOD. here’s how I know: studios don’t typically give sequels to films that didn’t make their money back unless they think they can reach a bigger audience thanks to success after the theatrical run.in response to yr first, slightly different question about what I’d consider to be good recent films that didn’t make their money back: also difficult. a lot of what’s been great in the past decade or so has been smaller fare, not necessarily the wide release stuff, and there’s definitely a subculture hyping up certain indie films, which is great but makes it easy to forget that many of them fail. so here’s a mix of studio fare and indies with a wide release that I thought were good and did not make money: speed racer (I know), green room, scott pilgrim, the nice guys. edge of tomorrow famously underperformed to the point that they renamed it for the home video release. pop star: never stop never stopping is underrated as hell. I dunno if operation avalanche really counts, because lionsgate buried it and botched the release besides, but it’s damn good. finally, I liked man from uncle a lot. in a decade full of films with “high stakes” that are no stakes at all, it established emotional stakes and even gave itself permission to have a little fun. and not marvel’s focus-tested quippy fun. fun.

[assholemurphy]

okay so i feel terrible abt not replying to messages/answering asks esp bc it’s been a while for some of them, and i meant to get them done tonight, but i didn’t sleep last night and all i had was a couple hours of rly meh half-sleep kinda shit, so i think i’m gonna go to bed early, esp bc i’ve still got class tomorrow and can’t miss it.

i’ll hopefully get caught up on some of it tomorrow, bc i’m done at 5p, but i do have some srs hw to get done bc it’s been piling up bc i’ve been sick, and i absolutely have to do some of it tomorrow, tho i plan to save most of it for sun. i’ll do my best tho, to get completely caught up this weekend and get some writing done (tho, i plan on getting drunk at least on sat night but probs fri night, too, tho less drunk on fri, so i’ll still be able to write, most likely) bc life is stressful and i live for getting drunk on the weekend. but yeah, i’ll work on getting everything caught up by the end of the weekend and i’ll try to get at least the drabble i have in my drafts done but hopefully another prompt fill for the dead murphamy kinkmeme (which i absolutely adore and rly wish would come back to life bc i’d be filling prompts as often as i could bc this fandom has great ideas).

i’m thinking of doing the touch avoidant!murphy fill first. (and ik this is supposed to be anonymous until it’s filled, but the meme is dead and i’m posting it to tumblr immediately after writing it so y’all’ll know it was me anyway, so i feel it’s alright to talk abt it on here. if the meme came back to life, i’d probs be a little more secretive and not talk abt it until i posted it.) bc i do rly like that one and i think it’ll be a nice mix of hurt/comfort and smut, so, i’m rly looking forward to it.

alright, bedtime for the bichard. goodnight, cats.