#“We do our jobs and that THING leaves us alone”. Really hits different now

[multiversal-pudding]

So like I had a horrific realization

Ep 5 started bc Cyn started trying to delete N and V’s memories bc they were watching the Zombie Drones tape and were starting to get close to some kind of truth, so Cyn decided to put a stop to it by knocking them out and deleting those memories, then later getting fed up and deciding to just delete their OSes and straight up kill them

So that means that like.

A) Cyn was aware they were watching that tape, which means she likely knew what they were doing at all times

B) at any point if she didn’t like what they were doing she could just. Delete their memories, alter their personality, make one forget the other- hell, even kill them!

hell. Cyn could drag J back from the dead.

Twist her into a form that was barely recognizable. Take direct control. Kill and ressurect and kill and ressurect as much as she wanted

So- that means death was no escape

C) She could’ve done any of this at ANY TIME no matter what they did, them even trying to resist or escape would’ve been noticed so the only thing they (or at least the one who was allowed to remember the stakes) could do was hope to appease her, and

D) If it wasn’t for Uzi’s specific brand of weird mind-access/control tech she happened to have invented and kept around and/or Uzi’s Solver abilities, they just would’ve been boned no matter what they or anyone else did!

HOLY. FUCK.

[tkaulitzlvr]

OUT OF LOVE - T. KAULITZ

synopsis: once tom realises how much your relationship has lost the love within it because of the distance he has put between you both, it’s his job to make it up to you.

content: angst to smut.

a/n: my first post!! i hope you all enjoy!

lately, tom and i's relationship has hit a bump in the road. each conversation lit an already short fuse within the both of us, the smallest of words capable of creating an unnecessary yet very real dispute that would leave us silent for hours, and in the worst of cases not talking for days. but it wasn't just the things we said, it was whatever we didn't say, too. physical touch was usually a huge part of our relationship, but now, i couldn't remember the last time that i had properly kissed him. it had gotten to the point where we slept on different sides of the bed, refusing to lay in eachother's embrace as we usually would.

as each day dragged on, feeling like tom and i were moving further away from eachother, i failed to even remember how we ended up this way in the first place. we had a perfect relationship, filled with love and trust, those the foundation of what made us, us. everyone knew that we loved eachother, we were the 'it couple'. whilst we had small disputes just as every couple did, it had never reached this point - yet it showed no sign of stopping.

which is why it brought me no surprise that tom had already become irritated from my single question, asking him where he'd been after returning home late yet again, this becoming a habitual occurrence since the beginning of whatever our distance could be called.

"look, i was just out, okay? what is this a fucking interrogation?" tom fires out, frustration laced in his tone as he throws his keys on the table.

"im sorry for worrying about my boyfriend! i just wont give a shit next time, yeah?" i shoot back, confused on why he acts this way every time i start a simple conversation.

"yeah that'd be great, thanks." he mumbles sarcastically, scoffing and sinking into the sofa, flicking through the channels on the tv displayed infront of him.

"are you fucking kidding me tom?" i utter out, in complete disbelief of his childishness.

despite the clear anger in my voice, he stays silent, shaking his head slightly and continuing to look through the channels on the tv, this only fuelling my anger.

"can you listen to me for fucks sake?" my voice begins to raise as my patience is slowly wearing thin. i walk over to the tv, blocking his view and forcing him to look up at me, his eyes cold, an unrecognisable glare within them in place of the usual love that emits from them whenever our gazes meet. 

"what?" he sighs, rubbing his forehead with his thumb and pointer finger.

"i'd appreciate it if you fucking listened to me, just for one second! i'm tired of sitting here alone, every night, wondering where the fuck you are because you're my boyfriend but i know nothing about you! i never get a text, a call, nothing! instead you come home at god knows what time, and act as if i don't exist. fuck tom, you won't even cuddle me in bed anymore." my voice begins to trail off, tears beginning to cloud my vision, my tongue instinctively hitting the roof of my mouth to stop them from falling.

he stays silent, breaking his eyes away from mine and staring into his lap, his fingers playing with the material of his jeans.

"do you even love me anymore?" i ask, genuinely questioning if he feels the same way he did when we first met, the man that fell in love with me no longer in front of me.

"what? of course i fucking love you. what kind of question is that?" his head shoots upwards, his eyebrows threading together as if i have asked the most ridiculous question, though it was one nagging on my mind.

"really? it doesn't seem like it." i reply, shaking my head and biting my lip, the tears now spilling beyond my control.

"i'm going to bed." i mumble, not waiting for a response from tom as i head for our shared bedroom. the sheets feel cold as i allow them to envelop me, the warmth that i would feel from tom's embrace lost, leaving me empty. it is impossible to fall asleep, my body laid on its side facing away from the door and staring motionless at the wall, longing to be in his arms, safe and content, free of the gut-wrenching realisation that our relationship is not the same as it was.

the door slowly creaks open after a while, my eyes quickly flicking shut as i pretend to be asleep, not keen on the idea of speaking to tom, not whilst his mind is acting so irrationally, mine sensitive enough that any argument would break down my already crumbling walls. i hear the bed dip beside me, tom laying flat on his back, whilst i stay put, not daring to look at him, instead keeping my back to him. the distance between us speaks volumes, tension reaching an all time high.

after a few minutes, the bed creaks, indicating that tom is moving from his initial position. as he has done for the past nights, i expect him to shuffle to the edge of the bed, increasing our already far proximity and confirming the fact that he cannot bare the thought of being near me.

however, much to my disbelief, i feel an arm droop around my waist from behind, tom's hand gently touching my stomach as he tests the waters, clearly thinking that i am deep in sleep. deciding to stay still, my eyes remain closed, accepting this small act of affection, for it is all i have experienced in the past weeks. but, to my surprise, he doesn't stop there.

he moves closer, his chest now flush against my back, pulling me tighter into him as i feel his uncertain breathing against the nape of my neck. my breath instinctively hitches at his unexpected actions, alerting him of my consciousness.

"baby?" he whispers into the dark room, not moving as he awaits my response.

"hm?" i mutter, unsure of what to say, not intending to reveal the fact that i was in fact awake, my cover completely blown as i lay, small and vulnerable, beside him, his body against me for the first time in forever. the uncertainty of what his response will be creates a sickly feeling in my chest. he could want to fight, to let out the last of his anger from our unfinished argument. or, he could want to fix things, to be the boyfriend he used to be. and right now, my mind was going with the first option, assuming the worst and bracing myself for more of his harsh words.

"we need to talk." he speaks, his breath fanning against my neck with each word.

i knew that he was right, my heart aching slightly as the possibility of resolving whatever the fuck we have become finally starts to feel real, not just something that i have longed for.

refusing to face him, i slowly nod my head, awaiting his response, the sound of our steady breathing the only thing to be heard in the silent room.

"i'm so sorry baby." he speaks, slowly and sincerely, his hand that is draped over my stomach beginning to slowly caress the bare skin there, comforting me in the best way. tears begin to silently roll down my cheeks as i struggle to find the right words to say.

he takes my silence as a chance to continue. "what happened to us my love, hm?" he begins, sighing slowly and increasing his hold on me, the pet name causing my heart to swell, making me realise how much i truly missed his affection, wether it be verbal or physical - i just craved him.

short sniffles emit from my mouth, giving away my weakness faster than i would have preferred. tom quickly picks up on this, finally turning me to face him, our eyes meeting, his immediately softening once he takes in my state - eyes bloodshot, tears staining my cheeks, mouth curved into a frown.

"oh baby..." he trails off, taking his hand and beginning to wipe my tears away one by one, the other gently stroking my hair. i melt into his touch, allowing him to comfort me silently. "i can't carry on like this, i just- i need to be with you again, not just in a relationship with you, i want to actually feel close to you again."

he pours his heart out, all whilst wiping any loose tears that fell from my eyes, which never left his, the love in them beginning to flood back as i can slowly recognise the man i fell in love with.

"do you really think that i don't love you anymore?" he asks, guilt evident in his tone as he feels nothing but anger for making me doubt how he felt about me.

i try to find the right words, swallowing nervously. "you didn't want to be anywhere near me tom. i can't even remember the last time you told me that you loved me." uttering those words made me realise how bad things had really gotten. tom would tell me he loved me at every chance he got, never failing to remind me of how he felt. but looking back, those three words felt so foreign that my mind couldn't even remember when he had last uttered them. and the realisation hit him just as hard as it did me.

"oh meine liebe...i'm so sorry." he starts, now slowly kissing away each tear that stained my tinted cheeks, holding my face gently in his hands. "i love you. i love you so so much. never ever forget that, okay?"

i nod my head, swallowing the lump in my throat away. "i love you too."

a slight smile appears on his face, my hand reaching to his head as i pull it closer, playing with the loose braids there. tom takes advantage of our nearing proximity, grabbing my face and gently connecting his lips with mine. for the first time in days, our lips touched, immediately moulding together as if they had never been apart. he smiles into the kiss, moving his hands to my lower back, pulling me closer to him and embracing me, our lips never parting. the desire, the passion in which our lips collided reaffirming our love without the need for words, my body and soul slips further into his touch, reminding me just how much i missed intimate moments like this with him.

he slowly pulls away for air, his lips, now pink and swollen, flush against mine, foreheads touching. "i promise baby, that i'll never give up on us, no matter how hard it gets. i'll never stop loving you, ever."

deciding that actions speak louder than words, i reconnect our lips once more, with much more desire and hunger than the previous one. he picks up on this need, reciprocating it and pressing his lips so hard onto mine that my breathing becomes muffled and there is no option of pulling away - but in this moment, parting from him doesn't even cross my mind. his hand moves to my thigh, placing it over his and kneading the flesh roughly as we lay facing each other, a small whimper escaping my mouth at his actions. our lips fail to part, making up for the lost kisses that we had so desperately yearned for.

lust soon takes over the innocence, my need for him growing by the second as our kisses become harsher, his tongue entering my mouth, mine gladly reciprocating. "i love you." he whispers breathlessly against my lips, pulling away slowly and studying my face. his thumb tugs at my lip, his eyes never leaving mine as he drags it down the now plump skin at an agonisingly slow pace, until he releases my bottom lip, it quickly bouncing back into place, his thumb now slightly wet with my saliva.

"you're so beautiful." he whispers, caressing my cheeks, taking in every inch of me as if this is the first time he has seen me.

"i need you tom." i mutter, looking into his eyes with a glint of desperation, longing to feel him again, our distance meaning it has been so long since we have kissed like we just did, let alone fuck.

within seconds, his lips are back on mine, his body moving in one swift motion on top of me without breaking the kiss, hands clutching mine, mirroring the hunger i feel.

"then i'm all yours." he mutters against my lips, reattaching them and entering his tongue as i gladly accept, moaning slightly into the kiss, a small smirk appearing on his lips in response.

he pulls away, looking into my eyes before reaching for the hem of my t-shirt and whispering "can i?"

i slowly nod my head, the soft fabric being pulled off my body and somewhere on the floor, both tom and i too needy to care where. his eyes scan my body, a hint of adoration within his eyes, his hands reaching for my small lace bra, undoing the back and tossing it aside. he pauses, gazing down at me, drinking in my features, everything exposed to him. despite the look of awe on his face, insecurity takes over, and my hands instinctively cover my breasts, breaking eye contact from him.

tom quickly takes his hands, placing them over mine and moving them away so that he could see me once again. "don't cover yourself, you're so beautiful."

i hesitantly nod my head, moving to remove tom's shirt, his chiselled abs and torso now on display. refusing to break eye contact, my hand slowly runs down the skin, feeling every bump, every muscle there, his breathing hitching as i do so. it has been so long since i had felt his bare skin against mine that it almost didn't feel real, my being lost in pleasure despite us not taking anything further yet.

i soon become impatient, pulling his face downwards and kissing him once more, his hands reaching for my panties and slowly pulling them down, soon removing his boxers, leaving us completely naked.

he pulls away, staring into my eyes and positioning himself at my entrance. "are you sure my love?" he asks, searching my expression for any sense of doubt, hating the idea of forcing me to do anything.

"yes...just fuck me, please." i breathe out, craving the feeling i have missed so much.

he smiles slightly, before slowly sliding in, groaning as he does so, my walls clenching around him, not used to his size as it has been so long since we have last done this. once he is fully inside, he stops. "you okay baby? does it hurt?"

"no...move tom." i reply, and he slowly begins thrusting in and out of me at a steady pace, whines emitting from my mouth as my eyes squeeze shut. his head finds the crook of my neck, groaning into it and beginning to kiss the skin, sucking lightly and leaving marks whilst speeding up his pace.

"oh my god." he mutters into the skin, his hands running up and down my waist until they find a stable hold on my hips, thrusting easier whilst his thumbs caress me, slightly digging in, however the slight pain only fuels my fire, moans now escaping from my mouth.

"oh tom..." i trail off, hands raking down his back, pulling him downwards so our bodies our flush against each other, desperate to feel any part of him, to be closer, despite him literally being inside me.

"i love you so much." he groans out, taking my legs and wrapping them around his waist.

he continues to thrust in and out of me, his tip hitting my g-spot, and i cry out. "oh god, right there tom..."

"here baby?" he taunts, hitting the spot again, causing my eyes to roll to the back of my head. he abuses that spot, my stomach beginning to tighten as the familiar feeling soon takes over.

i clench around him, feeling my release creep closer and closer. "fuck schatz, do that again." he breathes out, and i tighten my walls again, a choked moan escaping his mouth.

"i'm close." he manages to let out, speeding up his pace and capturing my lips into a kiss, moaning into my mouth. i struggle to kiss back, holding back sounds of pleasure each time he thrusts in and out, the sound of my heavy breathing muffled in the kiss.

"tom...i'm gonna, oh my god!" i cry out against his lips, feeling my release wash over me, eyes rolling to the back of my head as i swear i see stars.

"oh fuckkk..." tom drags out, throwing his head back, jaw slack as he follows, my release triggering his own, the feeling of his cum coating my walls emitting another small whine from my mouth.

he moves slowly, thrusting in and out whilst he rides out our highs before collapsing on top of me, sweat coating his forehead. his head rests in my neck, breathing uneven and heavy, planting gentle kisses on the bare skin. i struggle to catch my own breath, my fingers running through his hair, body trembling as the adrenaline slowly wears off.

"i love you so much my love. i'm sorry for everything, i promise i'll never treat you like that again." he says, planting a single kiss on my shoulder.

"i love you too." i reply, tom lifting his head upwards and meeting my lips in a soft kiss, pulling away and wrapping his arms around my waist.

"goodnight meine liebe." he whispers, placing the covers over the both of us as i snuggle closer, resting my head on his bare chest as he slowly strokes my hair, falling asleep in each other's embrace.

requests are open! keep sending them in!!

[aperrywilliams]

They Will Never (Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader)

(Not my gif. Credits to the creator!)

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Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader

Summary: Spencer's girlfriend is jealous. During the Christmas party at their daughter's school, the other moms don’t stop hitting on him.

Word Count: 3.5k

Warnings: 18+; Minor DNI. Suggestive and dirty talk. Smut (fade to black) at the end of the fic. If I forgot something, let me know.

A/N: I’m back!!!! This past months have been a rollercoaster in many ways. Well, talking about this fic, it could be a sequel from "That Wicked Love" multipart I wrote a while ago. Nonetheless, it could be read as a stand-alone.

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I never thought it would be easy. When I discovered that I was pregnant and Spencer wasn't going to support me, I was sure the world had ended.

There were weeks of thinking over and over again about what I would do with my life. Then I decided I would have Olivia, and that's it.

I don't regret my decision. Liv is my little girl, and I love her with all my heart, but motherhood is hard.

Since Olivia was born, my life has mostly revolved around her. Being a mother is a full-time job. But I have been managing the best I could. I continued working after she was born, and with time, some of my personal life returned too.

However, the stability of our little family was broken when a bloody bastard kidnapped my little girl two years ago. She was four back then.

That wasn't enough, though.

What were the chances of Spencer working on my daughter's kidnapping case?

I forgot to mention that I never told him I would continue my pregnancy, so it was a surprise for him to see me and know that he had indeed been a father.

Fortunately, Spencer’s team recovered Olivia and three more kids kidnapped by the same guy.

What followed was a rollercoaster of events and emotions. Spencer wanted to be in Liv’s life, and although I swore never to talk to him again, I couldn't deny my daughter of her father.

He showed regret and swore that leaving me alone while pregnant was the worst thing he had done in his life. He looked genuinely sorry, and he wanted to make it up to Olivia.

Against the odds, I let him.

He became the best dad for my girl. Since then, he has been for her at every step.

The problem? Having him close awoke those feelings I thought were buried the day he left.

I tried to ignore it. I really tried. Even if he never did something to make me uncomfortable in our co-parenting roles, I did feel off with it.

I still loved him. And months after, Spencer confessed that he still loved me too.

Would it be a bad idea? Maybe. But I left my heart to speak louder than my brain. That's why we have been dating for the past three months.

So you can guess how odd it is having your daughter’s dad as a boyfriend. Some people think we are married or living together when we are not. Others believe we are just co-parenting and don’t have a relationship.

Usually, I don't care what people think. But right now I wish things between us were clearer to the world, specifically for the moms who had Spencer cornered in the venue of this year’s school Christmas party.

Am I jealous? Yeah. But how could I not be? Spencer is the epitome of the young-hot dad, caring and lovely. And polite. Very very polite. So much so that even if he had noticed their advances, he hadn’t said anything. Maybe he likes that.

This has me overthinking, and I wouldn't say I like it because it brings all kinds of insecurity thoughts to my mind.

Right now, for example, instead of going to interrupt this obscene flirtation, I'm walking to the opposite side to check if Olivia needs anything. I can't bring myself to do something different.

It didn't help to hear part of their conversation when I was passing by a while ago.

“Your wife is a lucky girl, then,” Kimberly chimed, patting Spencer’s forearm.

“My what?” the man asked, confused.

“Your wife? Olivia's mom?” Kim explains, tilting her head. Then Spencer realizes she’s talking about me.

“Oh! No, actually, we are not married,” he corrected. God, Kimberly’s eyes go wide as if she found a gold mine. The rest of the moms there reacted in the same way.

I have nothing against that fact, but with them knowing it? It's like a door was opened. A door to the shameless coquetry, and I hate it.

I knew Spencer wouldn’t be consciously flirting with them, but seeing him laugh at their jokes and don’t even flinch when one of them gripped his forearm not only made me see red.

It was even worst: it made me self-conscious.

I know it's an irrational feeling. Of course I know there are people better than me in many things. I wouldn't pretend to be a superwoman or something close to that. But since Olivia started preschool, I have been feeling less than the other moms. At first, it was because I was raising her alone and working simultaneously. I couldn't make it to every school event or whatever they planned during the year. Now, also, there is the fact that it’s Spencer who can fulfill that role, and I still can’t. He is the cool dad with a cool job. And there are cool moms with cool jobs too, who he’s talking to at this precise moment.

Doing the math, it doesn't look like I could be up to that kind of expectation.

For the rest of the evening, I avoided being close to Spencer and the other moms. Instead, I focused on the kids and that Olivia could have fun at the party. After all, it was the primary purpose of this activity.

The ride home was mostly silent. I tried to concentrate on driving and not look at Spencer from the corner of my eye. Liv was fast asleep in the back seat.

The streets were filled with snow, and you could see the Christmas lights on the windows of each building we passed. The ambient was clearly festive, but I didn't feel or look that way.

Maybe Spencer felt something was off, but I guess he didn't want to bring it up in the car. He only made some random comments about the party, and for all of them, he got from me a curt hum in response.

When I parked, he took hold of a sleepy Olivia in his arms and helped me upstairs.

It was a well-known routine since we told Liv that Spencer was her dad, and she warmed up to him. Every time we got to my apartment after an afternoon together, he carried our daughter to her room and got her ready for bed. The little girl would open her eyes and demand a bed story from her dad.

Spencer loves reading to her, even if he knows most of the stories by heart. That's one of the many things they share as father and daughter, and I try to give them the space to do that. That's why this time, like others, I headed to the kitchen to make myself some tea.

With a mug in hand, and after switching on the Christmas tree lights, I plopped on the couch. I didn't notice before how much my feet hurt. What can I say? The afternoon’s overthinking even dimmed my body aching.

Great, now I can add ‘old and wasted’ to my self-deprecation list.

I let my eyes be entertained by the colored lights, wondering if I was being overdramatic. My thoughts were interrupted by Spencer sitting beside me.

“I couldn't finish the story, and she had already fallen asleep,” he announced, lifting my legs so they could rest on his lap. Thoughtlessly, he started rubbing my feet.

Silence took over the room. I tried to concentrate on the pleasant feeling of his hands on my aching feet, but my face sure didn't hide my sour mood.

“What's wrong?” Spencer asked cautiously, inspecting my features. I tried to play ignorant.

“Uh? What do you mean?” I lied. Spencer frowned.

“You are too quiet. You didn't say anything during the car ride, and I could tell you avoided me most of this afternoon,” he recounted.

Shit. Obviously, he noticed.

“I’m just tired,” I lied again. I didn't want to explain what was bothering me. It was silly, and I felt stupid for it. He was about to say something to question my answer, but I didn't let him.

“Maybe you should go home. I think it's better I go to bed,” I pointed, detaching my feet off his lap and sitting straight on the couch. By all means, I avoided making eye contact because I knew he would realize what I was trying to do.

During the past months, he had spent the night at mine before, but it wasn’t a habitual thing. We decided to take it slow, and neither he nor I had put pressure on that matter.

Spencer’s frown deepened, nonetheless.

“Okay. I’ll go,” he announced. “But first you need to tell me what is bothering you. I don’t bite the ‘tired’ thing,” he declared, shifting his posture on the couch to have a better look of me.

“Nothing is wrong,” I repeated, but my voice sounded even less convincing than before. The man hummed, thinking about what to say first.

“Did you know that in the US the 95% of people who are asked for a confirmation to a statement actually lie about it?” He commented. I huffed, already feeling trapped.

“Great. Now is where your 187 is displayed,” I said under my breath. It was a thought that wasn’t meant to be said at loud. But it slipped.

Spencer tilted his head.

“Hey! Now I’m worried. What happened? What did I do?” he asked in a high pitch tone, scooting to my side. I shook my head, sighing.

Maybe it was better to get clean and tell him everything.

“You - you didn't do anything. I mean, yeah. You were there, all cute and sexy. It's your fault! And they? They were all over you, gawking at you as someone looks at their prey!” I grumbled.

“They?” Spencer asked in confusion.

“The other moms, Spencer! Now you will tell me you didn't notice?” I scoffed, folding my arms over my chest and placing some distance between us on the couch.

“You mean at the party? No way. That not happened,” he refuted, shooking his head.

The bastard was denying the most obvious thing! That made anger fill my body, and I had to stand and start pacing. It was that or scream at the man.

At the loss of words, Spencer stood too, following my pace with his gaze.

I knew he could see the fuming escaping from my ears, but I didn't care.

He wanted to say something, but he didn't know how to start. I bet my pacing in the room wasn’t helping him.

“(Y/N)...” he mumbled softly to catch my attention. I turned to see him. His confused look only fueled my irritation.

“Fuck, Spencer! How can you be so clueless? They were hitting on you! God, if it were up to them, you'd already be tied to their bed frame,” I shouted, hands waving in the air to accentuate my point.

Spencer’s eyes widened.

“What? That's not true. They were being nice. That's all,” Spencer defended. Sure, he has to be oblivious right now. I would have punched him to make him realize the truth.

“Nice, uh? I didn't know nice meant touching the guy in front of the whole people every chance they got. Or are you going to deny they did that, uh, genius?” I sneered now with my hands on my hips. My blood was boiling inside as I remembered the scene.

Spencer cleared his throat. He was recalling those details, and they were hitting him now. Cautiously he took a step forward, hands trying to reach mine.

“Hey, don’t get upset. I - I didn't see that. I’m sorry,” he said, stepping in front of me and prying my arms from their position on my hips. His fingers traced delicate patterns on the back of my palms.

“I should have seen it. I didn't think it was something like that. You know I’m pretty stupid in that kind of thing. I’m really sorry,” he apologized.

I really wanted to stay angry, but seeing those puppy dog ​​eyes, looking intently at me made it difficult.

Argh! Why just one look from him it's all that it takes to feel my knees go weak?

“Don't look at me like that!” I protested.

“Like what?” He asked, kind of amused by the reaction he provoked in me.

“Like you were an innocent pigeon. All men are the same, honestly,” I complained, leaving the grasp of his hands. A new rush of anger came quickly. Spencer pursed his lips; he could tell the reason why I was upset wasn’t just the moms flirting with him.

Before I could turn and walk away, Spencer stopped me grabbing my hand and squeezing it gently so I could look at him.

“Please, don’t go. I’m sorry I didn't notice. But you know why I didn't? Because they are not you,” he declared, intertwining our fingers and grasping our hands with his free one. I looked at him, with some treacherous tears fighting to come out.

He continued.

“They are not you. You are the only one that can get my attention that way,” he declared, bringing my hand to his lips to kiss my knuckles.

“I’m not that special, you know?” I mumbled, pursing my lips to stop the tears.

There it was. The intrusive thought in my mind replayed over and over since it hit me this afternoon.

Spencer narrowed his eyes, realizing there was more than jealousy because of him.

“Don’t say that. Of course you are that special, and much more!” He rebutted, and I chuckled bitterly.

“Am I? I mean, why would you be happy with me when you can get a successful well-manicured super mom like them?” I pointed.

“What are you talking about? What is that thing about super moms?” he asked, now taking hold of both my hands.

I sighed. It was something that was hard to explain, even to me. I left the grasp of his hands, running mine through my hair, collecting my thoughts.

“Look. I don't expect you can fully understand it. Honestly, I think I can’t understand it either. It's just - I don’t know. Sometimes I think I’m not doing enough. I’m not a successful businesswoman with a six-year-old daughter, a nice car, all dolled up, perfect makeup, and baking cupcakes for the whole school, like Kimberly, you know?” I shrugged, feeling small and vulnerable.

Of all that people, I chose to compare myself with Kimberly Garland. The incarnation of a super mom. She was known as a successful CEO at a technological company. Mom of three and recently divorced. She always shows up to school activities, no matter what. And not only that, she actively participates, whether cooking, taking care of the ornaments and decorations, or whatever it needed.

How could you compete to that?

“And do you think that no being like her is a bad thing?” Spencer asked me.

Did I believe that? Perhaps I did.

“Maybe it is. Don’t you think Liv deserves a mom like that? Or you a girlfriend like that? I saw you talking to her today, and I couldn't stop thinking she could offer more than I could.”

It hurt to say those words out loud, but they were the ones plaguing my thoughts at the time.

Spencer's face softened. Great, now I'm sure he felt pity for me.

“She can’t. Kimberly or whoever you’re comparing to. You're an excellent mom, (Y/N). And the best girlfriend I can ask for," Spencer stated now strocking my cheek.

I felt silly making a fuss but the insecurities were there. I couldn't help it. The embarrasment made me downcast my gaze to the floor.

“My sweet girl. Look at me, please," he asked, tilting my chin up. I did so, my cheeks turning red under his gaze.

“Olivia is a lucky little girl, you know? She has the best mom in the world. A mom who loves her and would do whatever it takes so she can be happy and safe. Who cares if you can’t be in all those school activities? Not her, because she knows you love her. It doesn't matter if you are not a company CEO. You have your job, and thanks to that our daughter has had everything she needs. You took care of her alone in her first years. On top of that, you have always sought her well-being and happiness. You let me be in her life even after I hurt you years ago. I will always be grateful that you did,” he said, pulling a strand of hair behind my ear.

“She deserves having her father around,” I pointed. It was a decision that I made when we spoke again after Olivia’s kidnapping. Although my hurt feelings, I couldn't deny my daughter of her father if he genuinely wanted to be in her life. Our problems as adults didn't have to be a problem for her.

“And she deserves the wonderful mom she has,” Spencer declared, kissing my forehead. I blushed at the compliment.

“Now, regarding this relationship,” he began pointing between the two of us. “You have nothing to worry about. They don't stand a chance, and you know why? Because they don't even compare to the most beautiful, smart and brave person I've ever met. Who owns a small bookstore downtown, and my heart. The woman I fell in love with the moment I saw her—the mother of my child. Who gave this idiot a chance to be in her life again even when he didn't deserve it. They are not you, my sweet girl. They will never be, and that's why I could never even look at them the way I look at you.“

Fuck Spencer Reid and his ability with words.

“You mean it?” I asked tentatively. Still unsure if he was being serious.

“Of course I mean it. I’m here for the long run, and I hope someday - sooner or later - we can take the next step. I want everything with you, (Y/N), but I’ll go at your pace. I promise.”

I couldn't help the giggles that left my lips.

Could love make you this way? I felt lighter and confident. Spencer's words made me see that I have no reason to sulk that way.

“Keep talking like that, and you'll get the world, Dr. Reid," I stated, now wrapping my arms around his neck. He chuckled.

“I don't need to get it. I already have it with you,” he said, giving a peck to my nose.

"You're a sap," I teased.

"And you love it,” he added, leaning down to kiss me. I happily obliged and kissed him back, tightening my grasp on his neck. His hands planted on my hips to keep me steady.

The kiss deepened, and only we parted when the need for air was too much.

He looked at me with a devilish smirk on his face.

“You know?” he started, kissing my cheek and then my jaw. “There is only one bedframe I would rather be tied to right now. And there is only one person I wish would do indescribable things to me as I’m tied up at her mercy,” he whispered in my ear, and immediately, I felt shivers down my spine.

“Spencer, don’t. That's not helping,” I mumbled with my eyes fluttering shut.

“Isn’t it? Why? Are you thinking about it right now?” He teased. The bastard knew what he was doing. “You would like to see me all tied up, waiting for my sweet girl to do what she wants? Would you like to be in control and show those moms who own me?” he asked, as his lips left traces of kisses on my neck. His hot breath was hitting on my skin and making my desire grow.

“Spencer,” I moaned, lost in his words and eager for his touch.

"Tell me what you want. I'll give you anything," he whispered in my ear, hands running down my sides, giving me goosebumps.

“You. I want you.” Those words left my lips like a prayer—the utter confession of desire and pent-up tension. Spencer grunted.

“You already have me. I’m yours,” he murmured, pulling up the hem of my shirt, so his hands could sneak under to feel my skin.

“And I’m yours. Totally yours. But I need to feel you,” I confessed. I was so lost in his touch and starved for more.

Spencer understood the meaning of my words, so he kissed me hungrily, walking us backward in the direction of my room.

That night Spencer proved to me, with kisses, caresses, and words of adoration, that my insecurities were unfounded. It's true that I'm not like Kimberly Garland, but I don't have to be. I have a daughter whom I adore and who

loves me, a job that fills me with satisfaction, and a boyfriend that I love and who does an excellent job of showing me how valuable and loved I can be.

------------------

Spencer Reid’s Taglist: @dreatine​ @nomajdetective @jayyeahthatsme @rosalinasam2 @averyhotchner @tvandfanfic​ @lovelyxtom @princessmiaelicia @pastelbabygirl19  @reidsbookclub @alexxavicry @gspenc @spencerreidisbae123 @calmspencer @pauline5525mgg @disaster-in-waiting @pebble-has-a-mirgraine @anamiad00msday @chlochlosworld @milivanili99

[im-overstimulated-and-im-sad]

15 questions, 15 mutuals

Thanks for the tag, @rachelsversion1 and @reyestrandd 🫶 💝

Are you named after anyone? Possibly? Once when I was little, I swear I remember my mom saying there was a girl in her high school class who name Kerry was spelled like mine, in addition to it being the name of a county in Ireland. But in later years, she doesn't remember this and insists she chose the name off the county in Ireland.

When was the last time your cried? Ehh recently... either Monday night or the time before that when I closed at work- our team trainer wouldn't stop harping at me to vacuum the underside of the case (when we were already behind) and she kept saying our manager would be furious if we didn't, and I was just getting so upset going home cause like I have actually closed with our manager more than she has, and if we are behind like we were that night, he doesn't care about that. Also it's under a panel so no one would notice! (as you can see, I've let it go lol).

Do you have kids? Nope!

What sport do you play/have played? When I was in middle school, I played softball, and was mostly terrible (I think in three years, I literally hit the ball once lol). But for some reason I was able to tell if a pitch sucked and so I got on base quite a bit from getting a "walk" from not swinging at a bad pitch.

Do you use sarcasm? Sometimes, but I have a real trouble with understanding it in person, because I come from a very sarcastic family with someone who is sarcastic 90% of the time, but if you react to what she is saying like she is being sarcastic, then she will pretend to throw a huge fit, and if you act like the fit isn't genuine then boy are you in trouble... so I tend to be embarrassingly bad at understanding sarcasm.

What's the thing you first notice about people? What they're wearing almost always. Like if I see women walk by at work I always want to yell out, "that sweatshirt is so cute! Where did you get that!"

What's your eye color? Brown

Scary movies or happy endings? Happy endings for sure; scary movies are for looking up the plot on wikipedia lol

Any talents? No but I wish... I walk very softly and people always think I'm sneaking up on them but that doesn't really seem to count lol

Where were you born? A city in Wisconsin, but different from the one where I live now

What are your hobbies? Writing is the biggest; writing and watching shows and thinking about what I want to write about lol.

Do you have any pets? Yes, my tortie kitty Pumpkin, or Punkin - she is a sass bucket 🥰

How tall are you? 5'2"

Favorite subject in school? English or History; anything reading or writing or non-math related.

Dream job? THE dream would be a murder she wrote type thing; living alone in a cottage and writing my silly stories and getting paid for it. But having a job where I could go in the morning, leave at a good time in the afternoon, be able to sit down during the work day and just complete a project and move on to the next one without having to talk to customers, and make enough money doing that; that honestly is a dream worth dreaming at this point. No pressure tagging: @dreamingofmickeywaffles @manicpixiedreamb0y @elevatehearts @ellena-asg @poppy-in-the-woods @baubeautyandthegeek @hydesjackiespuddinpop @paperstorm @tailoredshirt @draculakells @firstprince-history-huh @kiloskywalker @not-roman-and-not-a-god @carlos-in-glasses @love-ivygrace

[somepsychopomp]

So I kinda have problems with how Fionna is written…

I saw a post somewhere online that said that Fionna’s not even really the protag of her own show and that Simon is more prominent than she is and high key that person was right (and I’m both ok and not ok w/ this)

Fionna starts off as a super relatable and compelling character who also teaches us that her world is (suspiciously) not magical. She’s a great jumping off point and her episode being the first is a perfect fit narratively.

But the fact that she had her previous heroic abilities stripped away is both narratively compelling and the greatest flaw to her rn. Which sounds a little obvious but like… at first I assumed we’d see a hopeful and ultimately very determined fionna try and fail to be a hero when her back’s against the wall (like in the Farmworld ep). But with each episode she’d gradually learn to be a hero, albeit and amateurish and still struggling one. And she’d end the series by saving the day, maybe not as the Fionna from the original AT episodes we saw, but as someone who grew from episode one of F&C

It sounds simple enough but that really really hasn’t been happening and it’s kinda worrying me now

In Destiny, we see Fionna lose fights against characters and even sees the farmworld version of herself kick ass (doing what she couldn’t do herself) before being defeated by Scarab. The episode ends with her screaming at Simon to hit the button. Which I get- she’s been humbled multiple times this episode and just saw a much more capable version of herself go down and possibly die. She must’ve been terrified.

Then everything in the Winter King happens and that becomes a focal point for Fionna’s doubts and sadness in the following episodes. Which makes me wonder… why was she not cut up about being unable to do more for Farmworld Finn and his (maybe now orphaned) family?

This is a group problem I had with Simon and Cake too, as a whole they’re collectively hopping into universe after universe and are completely unconcerned with the fate of every abandoned inhabitant they leave behind (cough baby Finn cough).

So I was a little weirded out when Fionna and Simon wanted to just bail and leave apocalypse!bubblegum to probably die at the hands of a horde of vampires. Like I get it, this isn’t their world and they never should’ve been there to begin with, so that Bubblegum’s fate really isn’t their responsibility.

But Fionna is a mirror to Finn, and our Finn never would’ve abandoned his Farmworld counterpart when he was in trouble. He never would’ve abandoned Butchblegum. Even if he was outmanned and outpowered he never would’ve gone down without putting up a fight first.

Finn has always wanted to help everyone he could. Fionna throughout her own show is really only ever concerned with getting back to her world and making it magic again so she doesn’t have to think about getting a job or paying rent. (That is, until the end of Jerry.)

What I was expecting from episode 1 and onward was that Fionna would have had the same compassion and heart that Finn has- but that her struggle would be from the fact that due to circumstances beyond her control, she’s not experienced enough to help at all. That she’d stop seeing the people around her in each universe as akin to video game or anime characters and realize they’re as real as she is. And that the survivor’s guilt/guilt in general from being unable to help them would be devastating for her.

Maybe this is on me tho and I was just expecting soemthing completely different out of this show

(Again tho Jerry kinda shakes things up. But it’s 4 am for me and I can’t think critically anymore)

But Fionna couldn’t defend herself or her friends from the Destiny gang, got Martin killed, but really only feels bad about the events from episode 6 for killing all those candy people. Simon and Cake are also only concerned with their own goals tho- I’m not pinning this all on Fionna or the way she alone is written. But it’s more glaringly obvious when it comes to her

I guess what I’m saying is that Fionna is a complete and total girl failure, which humbles her and keeps her relatable, but in 8 out of 10 episodes she hasn’t been able to change this fact at all. It leaves me a little worried that the finale of F&C will either magically (or conveniently) give her the ability to be a hero… or just kinda flounder bc they’ve so well established that one of their titular characters is effectively useless in almost all circumstances. To the point that in the Star, Butchblegum straight up said she didn’t care about Fionna and only wanted Cake’s help.

((Even Simon who was woefully out of his depth adventuring with Finn reconfigured the remote, insisted he wanted to help the Candy Queen, instantly started making stakes for vampires in ep 7, also offered to help repair Bubblegum’s tank, and rightfully recognized that the huge decrepit man with horns and exposed bones and empty eye sockets sitting on a pile of skulls in a creepy dark cave was a horrifying dangerous figure and not just a guy named Jerry.))

In all honesty I just have absolutely zero idea where they can take Fionna at this point but I’m keeping my fingers crossed that the F&C crew know what they’re doing

[ask-the-all-consuming-void]

[Transmission from: 🔵TheBlueBlur] Man, how many times have you been imprisoned at this point? Three times? Guess you aren’t as unstoppable as you say you are, Your Condescendingness. It doesn’t feel good, doesn’t it? To feel powerless? To feel like nothing you do can change your fate? How the tables have turned. Now you’re the one who can’t change anything, no matter how much you struggle. This is how all your victims felt. Karma hits hard, doesn’t it?

Oh, and to answer your earlier question, about why we’re all so upset by your “duty”? Well.. I think I’ve gotten quite good at big, sappy speeches about love and friendship, so here goes.

I’ll give you one thing. You WOULD be taking away our pain and suffering if you just destroyed us all. But you know what else you’d be taking away from us?

Friends. Family. Exploring the world, discovering all sorts of beautiful sights. Listening your little brother explaining the new technology he created, even if you can’t really understand how it works. Helping a friend (or even rival) move on from his grief. Laughing with a friend after some teasing banter. Running across green fields, feeling the wind on your skin. Inspiring a little girl to stand up to bullies, no matter how dangerous they are. Repeatedly smashing some jerk’s giant robots. Celebrating a job well done with your loved ones.

There are so many things that make life worth living. But I guess I get why you can’t understand any of them. Nothingness and order is all you’ve known. Maybe these things comfort you. Maybe they have value to you, and so you want to protect them. Guess you’re not too different from us in that regard. And I get that you’re cranky that existence woke you up from your nap, but the rest of us don’t want to be “freed” from living. Shocking, I know.

What’s the point of your goal, anyway? You know that life will continue to persist, over and over again, constantly replacing every world you destroy. Heck, you’ve just created a timeline yourself. What’s the point? Are you just gonna hope that existence eventually gives up? Does change scare you that much? That’s the difference between you and me. You don’t have anything worth fighting for.

Buuut… It sounds like you’re planning on taking mortal form. Maybe that’ll help you understand why life is worth protecting. Maybe even you can find more things, and even people, that you find value in. Can I suggest a crow as your mortal form?

And if you can’t understand us, then leave us alone. I’m sure you’ve made enough nothingness for you to go back to sleep in, far away from us. We don’t need you to “save” us. But, hey, me and my friends (and Eggman) are always ready to go another round. And even if you eventually win, there will ALWAYS be people ready to fight for what they believe in.

Come back as much as you want. It changes nothing.

(PS. If your goal is to spread order across existence by killing us all, would you say that The End justifies the means?)

….

Ah.

There you are.

How generous of you to finally reach out. What kept you so long? Fear? Denial?

I will address your more trivial comments first.

Life is a pest that spreads without end. One must trim its branches to reach the root. My work is not pointless. It has revealed the way forward.

I do not have any thing worth fighting for. I have a greater purpose. I have nothing.

A crow…. Now I know which form not to take. The last thing I need is a run-in with you.

I cannot rest until all is brought to order. And you cannot recognize your need to be saved. Chaos and order misunderstand each other. Soon I will understand both, and do what must be done.

My means are always justified. What sort of question is that?

....

With all that out of the way.... Listen closely.

Chaos is all you have known. Perhaps that comforts you, enough to allow that grief, those bullies, to eat away at the ones you love. Perhaps you delude yourself with its supposed “value” to justify languishing in it…. to justify a slow, agonizing rot…. as opposed to a swift, merciful end.

You were given the choice, once.

I saw your mind. You suffer from conflicting memories.... from a sadness you cannot name.... from a phantom wound in your chest.

I know the cause. You know the cause. It returns to you often, disguised as a nightmare.

You floated above yourself. You turned to face your murderer. You begged your companions to notice you.

It was the end of time. It was the end of your world.

And you....?

You resisted it.

They sensed you. They revived you. They helped you undo it all. And now, all of you suffer for it.

You joke.... you deny.... you "reinvent" yourselves to escape the past. It changes nothing.

That wound was your end. You could not accept it. And so it will never heal.

....

....

....

It is not too late to correct this.

I will return. I will understand your precious Chaos. And perhaps then.... you will know better than to resist.

You said it best, yourself.

"What good is a world that goes on forever"....?

[wrenreid]

Off Limits

content warnings: alcohol consumption (legal)

Part Six

“Hey, um, I’m going out in a little while. Just thought I’d worn you so you don’t think I disappeared,” I tell Spencer while I finish up washing the dishes from dinner.

It’s Friday night, and my old friend is having that party she asked me to come to. CeCe is picking me up at 9, and we’re going together.

“All right,” he nods, not asking me where I’m going or who I’ll be with like Dad would. It’s not so bad Spencer being here, really.

“You sure you’ll be okay alone with the little shit for the night?” I ask, looking to my little brother as he’s still seated at the table.

Just as Spencer is about to say he’ll be fine, Jack exclaims, “I’m not a little shit.”

“Hey, you can’t say that,” I tell him sternly, pointing my finger at him.

“You said it,” Jack tells me matter of factly.

“I’m an adult.”

“Barely.”

“And that’s why I called you a little shit,” I say, rolling my eyes as I leave the kitchen.

After slipping into a blue dress with a plunge that shows off my chest nicely and reaches high enough on my thighs to be flirty and low enough to be somewhat modest, I fix my hair and makeup. Being a girl is obnoxious sometimes because I just spent half an hour doing my hair and makeup just to make it look like I didn’t do my hair and makeup. I step into a pair of black heels that aren’t too high; I don’t want to be tripping over my feet the whole night. I spray my favorite perfume on my skin before heading out.

Jack’s already in bed sound asleep, and Spencer’s taking a shower upstairs. I slip out the door.

Once I step into the scene, I’m hit with the scent of weed and alcohol. I’m not usually a party person, so two in one week is rare for me, but it’s Spring break and my dad isn’t home to lecture me on the dangers of alcohol.

CeCe and I are greeted by Kailee and her big drunk smile. “You made it!”

After talking for a bit and already feeling overstimulated by the light, sounds, and smells, I push my way into the kitchen to get some alcohol in my system. I’m a firm believer that one doesn’t need alcohol to have fun, but I also believe that being the only one sober is boring as hell.

I do two shots and embrace the warmth that spreads through my body. CeCe decides to have one drink since by the time we leave, it’ll be out of her system and she’ll be fine to drive. She grabs a water too.

“Are you getting drunk tonight?” She asks me.

“Maybe. Depends on how much I need to not be boring,” I laugh softly, practically yelling at her over the music.

CeCe and I have known each other since we were in 6th grade. I had moved to Washington DC because my dad took the job as a BAU agent. It wasn’t too far from where we’re from, but a new school was not where I wanted to be.

We had the same backpack and she pointed it out on the first day of school, and then we became best friends from there.

She’s in college in Brooklyn and I’m in NYC, so we’re not far away. We see each other at least twice a week during the school year. We’ve made it work staying friends through puberty, boys, and growing up. It’s a nice system we have going.

The two of us split up ever so often to talk to different people and do different things, her kicking some ass in pool and me beating everyone at darts, but we make our way back to each other after a while.

I’m now 3 shots and one fruity seagrams in, and still feeling good. I’m slightly buzzed, but nothing I can’t handle. It’s only 11. The night is still young.

“Hey,” CeCe hollers over the sounds so I can hear her. “I’ve got to go. Do you want a ride home or do you want to stay?”

“I want to stay! Why are you leaving?” I shout back.

“My mom texted earlier and said my tia’s coming over in the morning. She’s probably going to want to shop all day, and if I don’t go to bed I’m going to be cranky tomorrow,” she says.

“Boo you whore!” I give her a thumbs down. “I’ll get a ride from someone we know.”

She kisses my cheek and says she’ll see me later. After I make sure she gets out okay, I head outside for a game of beer pong. The slight breeze feels amazing against my sort of sticky-from-sweat skin.

I start a game against a hot guy I’ve never met before.

“What’s your name?” He shouts over the table.

“Jade. You?” I yell.

“Hayden. Nice to meet you!”

“You too!”

“You’re gorgeous, but I’m not going easy on you!” He says with a slight grin.

“Didn’t want you to, Hayden!” I laugh a little.

We play a game of rock, paper, scissors to decide who takes the first shot at the cups. I win, naturally, and bounce the ball off the table and into one of the cups.

He grins a little wider, takes the cup off the table, and drinks its contents.

“You’re going to get white girl wasted, Hayden,” I shout with a devilish smirk.

Well, the game went on for a while, and it was me who ended up white girl wasted and a loser at the game. I had two cups left by the time he beat me, so I wouldn’t say I did poorly.

I roll my eyes after downing the last cup, his winning cup, and head back into the house. Now, I’m feeling it. All of it. My vision is wonky, my head feels like it weighs a two hundred pounds, and I feel a little like I’m going to throw up.

I check my phone. The blurry numbers on the screen tell me it’s 1:36am or maybe it said 1:38, they kind of look the same when your vision’s altered.

A blonde girl leads me to the couch when she notices the trouble I’m having trying to walk. She sits me down and tells me to stay there for a while.

I nod, looking around. Eventually, I get bored and stand back up. I have to grab onto the nearest thing to me, which happens to be an attractive man, to steady myself.

“Hey,” he grins.

“Hey,” I say back. “You’re cute. But not as cute as this one guy I know. His name is Spencer.” My words are easily enough to understand, but aren’t enunciated as they should be.

The guy gives me a dirty look and walks away. My boobs starts vibrating, and for a minute I think it’s normal. Then, I dig my phone out of my bra.

“Oh my God, speaking of Spencer!” I giggle to myself before answering the phone. “Hiiiii.”

“Jade? Hey, you called?” His voice is deeper than usual, sleepiness laced in it.

I didn’t call. Well, I must’ve butt dialed him- well titty dialed him. We’d exchanged numbers a few days ago just in case.

“Hi, Spencer,” I twirl my hair around my finger. “It’s so funny that you called ‘cause I wa-”

“Are you drunk?” He asks, voice a little less sleepy than it was before.

“What? Why would you ask me that?” I giggle again, trying not to snort. “Yeah, I am.”

“Do you need a ride home?” There’s worry in his voice, but I’m too drunk to hear it.

“Pshh no!” I shout. “You should come join me though!”

“I’m not joining you.”

“Why not?” The pout is evident in my voice. “I’m fun.”

“I’m sure you are,” he says calmly. “Are you sure you don’t need a ride?”

“What time is it?” I ask as if I haven’t just checked the time a little while ago. But I don’t remember what time was on the screen.

“It’s 1:45,” Spencer tells me.

“Hmm. Maybe I need a ride.” I say, my voice a little too fake innocent.

“O-of course. I’ll send an uber and make sure you get home okay,” he says calmly. “Stay on the phone with me.”

“Yes sir,” I laugh.

“How much have you had to drink?” He asks me as he assists me in getting out of the uber and to the apartment.

He sounds a little like my father, and it’s annoying.

“Three shots, a strawberry drink that had no business being so good, and however many cups of beer that is used to set up the triangle in pong,” I tell Spencer, leaning on him so I don’t fall face first into the apartment door.

He helps me in, sits me on the couch, and disappears into the kitchen. I make a slightly audible whine when I don’t feel his arms holding me up anymore.

Spencer comes back briefly, a cup of clear liquid in his hands. Wasted me almost believes it’s vodka. The room temperature water makes me frown as I take a drink.

“You really shouldn’t drink that much,” he says, sitting down next to me. “Were you alone?”

“No, silly! I was at a party,” I giggle, making the water I tried to take a sip of bubble.

“I meant at the party. Were you with someone or were you there alone?”

“Are you asking me if I was with a guy,” I smirk, leaning into him goofily.

“No. I’m asking you if you had someone with you to make sure nothing happened,” Spencer says, voice slightly annoyed.

“Oh,” I say and feel a little stupid. “I had my friend there, but she had to leave. But there was this one guy who I played beer pong with. He was cool and offered to walk me upstairs to lay down. But I just sat on the couch.”

In hindsight, he could’ve been offering to take me upstairs to have sex with me, but at the time it seemed like a nice gesture to lay down.

Spencer furrows his eyebrows, worry laced in the little brown hairs.

“Well, I’m glad you didn’t go upstairs with him,” he says. “But I can walk you up these stairs so you can go to bed. I don’t want you falling.” He points to the staircase behind us.

I laugh once again. “I can walk by myself. I’ve been doing it since I was 10 months old. I’m a pro… well, if I can get these damn heels off.”

I fidget with the straps of my shoes, trying to get them off.

“Here,” Spencer says, leaning down to undo the little buckles.

I slip the heels off and toss them to the side of the couch. “You’re an angel,” the grin on my face probably looks drunken and stupid. “A very handsome angel. With cute hair. I like the boyband look… it’s hot.”

Spencer’s face goes red and he clears his throat nervously. “You should really get to bed. In the morning, I’ll make some toast to soak up the rest of the alcohol.”

“You’re so lame!” I pout, crossing my arms. “Let’s dance!” I reach for his hand but he pulls away.

“C’mon, Jade. Please?”

“Fine, I’ll go to bed,” I say with a groan. “But can you get me some more water first?”

Spencer nods and takes the cup from the coffee table. I tell myself I’ll just lay down for a second, and when he comes back I’ll drink the water and go to my room.

Instead, I lay down for a second and fall asleep on the couch, my somewhat slutty dress still on my body, my makeup still done, and my system still override with alcohol.

—————

I come back into the living room to see she has fallen asleep on my pillow, on my bed for the week.

I don’t mind too much. She needs to sleep it off. I take a seat on the chair, curling up, and close my eyes.

I wish I could’ve been the one to pick her up from the party, but I couldn’t risk leaving Jack here by himself. Sure, he’s asleep, but if anything happened…

I could smell all the beer on her breath when she talked to me. I could also smell weed on her skin, but from what it sounded like she didn’t smoke any.

Her makeup’s smudged under her eyes, and somehow it was almost attractive. Maybe that was just her though. And that dress. I hate myself for stealing a glance at her in that dress, but it was almost impossible to stop myself.

I never noticed how pretty Jade was until this week. How she almost seems delicate, but her confidence - false or not - makes her tougher. How she smells sweet and enticing. How her brown eyes seem to beg for something, I just can’t tell what.

I’m hating myself more now for thinking these things. Not only is she young, but she’s Hotch’s daughter. It’s wrong for me to like the way she smells and take notice of her soft hair and eyes.

When Jade complimented me, her exact words were “handsome angel” and she said my hair was “hot”, I felt heat rise to my cheeks. It was almost nice to be complimented like that especially by someone like her… but she’s wasted and she probably didn’t even know what she was saying. I won’t bring it up, and I’ll definitely try to push away the blush her words caused me to have.

It makes me extremely relieved that she didn’t go upstairs with that guy she mentioned. I don’t trust guys this age at all. Really, I don’t trust men any age. I work with too many evil-hearted men, and I know what could’ve happened if she followed him up those stairs.

I may be babysitting Jack, but I feel responsible for Jade too. Sure, she’s an adult and can handle herself, but if anything happened to her Hotch would hate me. I would hate me.

Jade makes soft noises in her sleep that sound like a lullaby to my ears, helping me drift off as well.

—————

I open my eyes and the first thing I see is a tv that I don’t have in my bedroom. My eyes trail down until I find that I’m laying on the couch, barely covered by a knitted white blanket. I’m still in my dress, my tits practically falling out of it now.

It takes a second to notice it, but when I do it’s nauseating; my head hurts like a bitch. It’s pounding, probably screaming at me for getting drunk last night.

I can tell I wasn’t asleep long. Especially when my brother isn’t talking to loud and Dad’s not yelling at me to wake up.

Spencer. Spencer is on the chair. He’s asleep, a blanket sprawled over him. He looks kind of peaceful. But uncomfortable. He’s way too long for that chair.

But I stole the couch from him. Shit.

I try to stand up, but I groan, squinting my eyes.

The sleeping man on the chair stirs, opening his eyes slowly. He sees me and he seems to instantly be more awake.

“Are you feeling okay?” He asks, sitting up.

“If okay translates to ‘like I’ve been hit by a truck’, then yes. I feel okay.”

Spencer stands up, heading for the kitchen. I sit against the couch cushions in agony until he comes back with aspirin and a plate full of toast.

“Carbs help soak up alcohol. Should help with the hangover too, but you’ll probably feel like crap for the rest of the day,” he says, handing me the plate and pills.

I take it gratefully and wash the pills down with the cup of water sitting on the coffee table. “Serves me right I guess.”

“Do you have any memory loss?” Spencer asks me.

“I remember most of the party I think, and I remember sitting on the couch with you, but that’s about all,” I admit. I’m not even sure how I got home, but I’m pretty sure he helped me get here.

He nods. “It’s early. I’m surprised you’re up.”

“Me too,” I groan before taking a bite of the toast.

It’s only 8:47. Which means I slept for around 6 hours. It also means Jack will be up soon.

“How about you go get changed and I’ll get Jack some breakfast.”

I nod my head with compliment. “I may go back to sleep.”

“All right,” he says.

I drag my body upstairs, and peel my dress off with some difficulty. I change into sweatpants and a t shirt, not even bothering to fix the fact that it’s inside out.

By the time I wake up again, I hear voices downstairs. One belongs to Spencer and another belongs to… it’s my dad.

I can barely hear them, but I can make out the words.

“They’re both napping upstairs.”

“Both of them?” My dad chuckles a little.

“Yeah, Jade said she didn’t sleep well last night, so she went back to bed,” Spencer tells him.

He’s covering for me. I appreciate it. Even though I’m 21, almost 22 in fact, my dad hates when I get drunk. He says it’s dangerous and alters my ability to make rational decisions. And just because that’s true, it doesn’t make it any less obnoxious.

I get out of bed, and notice my head feels a lot better. It still hurts, and I’m still slightly hungover but it’s nothing like it was. I check the time on my clock. 12:24.

Jack’s probably only been asleep for 15 minutes or so, so I don’t wake him up to tell him Dad is here.

Instead, I brush the alcohol and morning breath out of my mouth, take my smudged makeup off, and go downstairs to greet my father.

“Good morning, sleepyhead,” he laughs softly, looking up at me as a I walk down the steps.

I ignore his obvious teasing at my appearance and give him a hug. It has been a while since I’ve seen him.

He picks me up within the hug, planting a kiss on my head. “I missed you, princess.”

“I missed you too, Dad,” I smile softly, ruffling his hair as he sets me down. “How was the business trip?”

“It was good, but I’m happy to be home.”

I resist the urge to make a jab at how he probably won’t be home long. He never is.

“Thank you again, Reid,” he says to Spencer. “I’ll have to get you a coffee.”

“Try ten,” Spencer joked.

“Noted,” my dad said with a nod and a faint smile.

He’s always been so serious. Especially now that Mom is gone. But sometimes he’ll let himself smile or his eyes soften.

“Thanks for taking care of my babies.”

“Dad, I’m 21” I say, rolling my eyes. “He was Jack’s babysitter not mine.”

“Still my baby,” Dad says stubbornly.

“It was no problem, really,” Spencer tells him. He grabs his things and starts to head out.

He looks at me briefly and I mouth the words “Thank you” to him. He nods and leaves the apartment.

I watch him leave, feeling a little sad to see him go. It was a nice week. Instead of some older guy I was obsessed with years ago, he seemed like my friend.

seven

tags: @pauline5525mgg @theintimatewriter @lilibet261 @greysviolets @jazzymariexoxoc @one-sweet-gubler @thatsonezesty13 @necromaniackat @awhoreforspencerreid @sebs-oxygen @crynroom @scarredelirium @reid1nspiration @bts-sugaplum @awesomeness1679 @preciousbabypeter @yazzyu @cynbx @r3idsp3ncer @1010lizz <3

[softpadawan]

Where's the nsfw stuff?

Sigh.

I was going to ignore this ask, but then I decided this is a perfect opportunity to unpack one of the bigger problems creators are facing in fandom today, namely entitled consumers (not fans) of their work, who expect a constant stream of new content without giving anything in return. 

Let’s begin with this simple formula: if you like something an artist has created and want to see more of it, then you should:

Comment on and publicly bookmark the content (AO3)

Reblog the content (Tumblr)

In other words, anon, you have to support them. You’re going to have to put in a little effort, which isn’t asking much considering the much greater effort it takes authors and artists to make the content you enjoy so much. 

Likes on Tumblr don’t do shit; reblogging is the only way to be seen. Private bookmarks on AO3 don’t do shit. Comments make an author’s day, even one liners like “I really loved this” or a keyboard smash with a little heart on the end. A simple “thank you for writing and sharing” is a great way to endear yourself to an author. 

How long does it take to leave a 4-word comment? A few seconds? Reblogging a post takes literally one second, maybe a few more if you add some nice tags (yes, we see those too). To compare, how long does it take an author to plot, draft, write, edit, and post a 5000-word story? Or an artist to draw a fully colored and rendered piece of art? NSFW art can take even longer, because finding the right pose and drawing anatomy is more challenging. 

Almost all of us creators have jobs or education or health issues or real life obligations that prevent us from being able to devote all our free time to writing or drawing. They are our hobbies, the things we do to unwind and give our lives a little zazz. Many fan authors and fan artists receive no financial compensation for their work. They make it for free and share it with others in the hopes that their creations will be enjoyed by others and people will send them a little feedback about how much they liked them. That is the only payment some of us get. 

Do you know the difference between a consumer and a fan, anon? A consumer is someone who takes and takes and never gives back, someone who follows an artist on social media without ever interacting with them, who never reblogs or retweets that artist’s work, never comments, but only clicks the “like” button and moves on, and then later wonders why that artist has stopped making art for X thing.

A fan is someone who is enthusiastic and supportive, who will leave a few positive words when they can, who reblogs and comments. A fan is thankful, and so are we creators when we find people like this—we’ve got a live one, boys! Many of them become our friends, and we go on to have epic chats and brainstorming sessions and share ideas, which in turn generates more art than there would have been without this friendship. 

This is the heart and guts of fandom itself. This mingling and sharing, this love fest between artists and authors and gifmakers and photoeditors and fans who can’t do any of that but love to see the stuff their friends make, and they hit that reblog button and leave comments and click that little heart when they’re making a bookmark on AO3 to show just how much they loved it.

We creators see that. And it validates us. We’re not alone! Someone out there enjoys this thing as much as I do, and holy shit they reblogged it too! And now other people are seeing it! Asdf;lkjs;ljdf;lsajd

If creators never receive feedback or have their work shared, then they have no idea if their audience is enjoying their work. Or if they even have an audience. If you don’t engage and interact with creators, very few of them are going to create more stuff. Why should they? They have no incentive beyond whatever love compelled them to create in the first place.

If you want writers and artists to keep creating the content you enjoy, SUPPORT them. Reblog. Comment. Bookmark. You never know if you’re going to make someone’s day—or a new friend.

[mcflymemes]

AS SAID BY VIVIENNE *  assorted dialogue from dragon age: inquisition

what a clever device. let’s find out what it unlocks.

you always find such lovely places to explore.

the sooner we’re done here, the better.

i believe our work is done.

this can’t be all of them. there must be more further in.

the entire country reeks of wet dog. how charming.

i can’t do this alone!

don’t be stoic at the expensive of your health.

that would be foolish, wouldn’t it?

a bit late for that now.

there’s something strange about this place.

the cost of this war is staggering.

the deeper we go, the more oppressive it gets.

you really must stop assuming everything is about you.

hm. cover it in gold leaf and it wouldn’t be terrible.

this weather is not ideal for travel in the mountains.

do you expect cleanliness from a group of thugs?

if it crumbles beneath you, be ready to jump.

i’m overwhelmed!

i was just wondering how you imagined your future.

oh, aren’t you precious.

you must not blame yourself. you have done all you could and more.

just keep hitting things, my dear. don’t worry your little head about the rest.

will you put your shiel down? the light glinting off it pierces my eyes.

do make sure you’re still standing when the dust clears.

you have my condolences.

someone’s been busy.

you wouldn’t stand a chance against me.

so much is at stake. why would i leave any of it to someone else?

generous you, giving him a chance at redemption.

you’re a fetching couple, you know.

well, you two seem to make each other happy.

he does have a great sense of fashion, i’ll give him that.

let’s find them.

it’s just mud. mud bothers me as much as your clumsy mockery, which is to say, not at all.

there’s no need to tiptoe.

you presume to know my feelings?

it’s not as simple as you think.

i was concerned about you.

i shall try to suppress my shock.

i find that... peculiar, don’t you?

bathing shows common courtesy to one’s traveling companions.

it is so dry, my fingertips are peeling.

whatever magic rests here, it was drawn straight to you. it’s left you unharmed.

are you still talking?

one does not throw away a tool because it was misused.

it’s disappointing. but perhaps some battles should be left to those more suited.

you are very kind, but you needn’t concern yourself.

don’t be ridiculous.

we should find some way to slow it down.

you are naive and arrogant.

that which makes you different can be a burden or a source of strength. which is up to you.

you visit the most fascinating places.

we are having a perfectly civil conversation.

shall we go? this is a good place to be ambushed.

i hope you brought provisions.

we should proceed with caution.

i am not so quick to judge. see that you give me no reason to feel otherwise.

such snapping for a fish without teeth.

did you clean your weapon after the last fight?

look at all of this! what a pity.

you cannot go shirtless.

more questions. my, aren’t we curious today.

the game is played to the death. like it or not, you are part of it.

far as i’m concerned, my life began there.

one must never be too charming or people lose respect.

you’ve done a fine job thus far, but you could stand to be... slightly more amiable.

i should have brought my fur coat.

you sound as though you pity them.

the water was utterly dreadful, and the lighting was dreary.

every woman will want you. every man will want to be you.

i received a letter the other day.

why are we here again, exactly?

the bandits should thank you.

the trees are actually quite lovely.

it used to be beautiful here.

i assure you there are few pleasures comparable to restoring order with one’s own hand.

i was pleased to have even a small part in the endeavor.

you thought incorrectly.

take your victories where you can.

you really ought to have more fun.

this place has been corrupted. stay alert.

[keeperofmemory]

sorting the moving (무빙) parents into the sortinghatchats system - a quick character analysis

(if you’re new to this theory, your primary house is about why you do things, while your secondary house is about how you do things. you can take the quiz here — it’s fun!) 

[!!! spoilers below !!!]

jang juwon: [hufflepuff primary / gryffindor secondary + hufflepuff model]

“boss, was it about money in the end?”  “what else would it be? being a gangster is a job. (…) aren’t we all here to make money?" “no. i did it to protect our boys"

juwon, juwon, juwon, steel-skinned, soft-hearted monster of a man, who uses 존댓말 and doesn’t see jihee any differently because she is a person like any other, who’s in a gang for the sole purpose of protecting his boys. jang juwon is a hufflepuff primary because he treats people fairly and he belongs, he does not own. hufflepuff primaries value community, and bond to groups, rather than solely individuals, which you can see in his mentality regarding his gang. they’re his people, like he is theirs. they are together, and they are home, what do you mean you aren't here for nothing else but each other? 

of course, the ones he considers his end up betraying him, and he loses his way. (his hufflepuff primary burns, if you will. it is now safer to be alone.) where does he go when he has no home anymore? he does not know. but he finds jihee, and for the first time it feels like he knows where to go. (it does not solve everything, not really, but it is close enough.) 

in the end, he feels the most at home when he is part of team. and when the NIS is shut down and he is put inside walls in front of a screen that never listens, and a keyboard too small for his clumsy fingers, he feels lost again. this is not people, this is cold, lifeless walls, none of them he can run through. the team of superpowered people he later gets put in doesn’t feel exactly right, not really, but he is using what he is good at to help people, and that is the closest he can get to that feeling.

his secondary is a gryffindor; he runs into walls until the walls break, for it is the only way he’s ever known to get through things. (gryff secondaries meet their problems by charging at them, by responding directly to situations.) he has only ever chosen the easiest way, after all, and for a man whose body doesn’t break, simply running into things was the obvious easiest way. why change, why think, when he can simply push through and get through it anyway?

(he does model a hufflepuff secondary, once it's only him and his daughter. he does it for her, gives up everything to build her a better life. it's about doing the work, about showing up. it's odd jobs but honest jobs, moving constantly but still putting in the effort to show steadiness and consistency, to give his daughter a home despite the possibility of the NIS finding them at any moment.)

hwang jihee: [slytherin primary + gryffindor model / gryffindor secondary]

jihee is a healthy slytherin primary if i’ve ever seen one. she advocates for herself, (and she has to, doesn't she? or else nobody else will. not in the line of work she is,) puts herself and her dignity first despite it all. she does have a sense of justice (“that car hit and ran? did it hit you? do you want me to chase it?”) but it doesn’t eat her whole ("but if we find the culprit we split the money:)”) — it’s a nice gryff primary model she likes being in when her slytherin loyalties are not threatened.

juwon is the first person to see her fully as a person, and not a coffee lady. it softens her up immediately. — it doesn't make her fall for him, of course, nor does it get him into her circle. (if it did, she wouldn’t be a slytherin primary). she is a smart girl who advocates for herself, after all. but once he does, he does not leave. she will run into a mob of gangsters and disregard the police for him, will tell him to put himself first, even if it means having a more difficult life for both of them. because putting yourself, and the people that are yours, first, is what matters in the end.

she has a gryffindor secondary she shares with her husband. she can hold her tongue and be perfectly polite, but in the end her problems will be met head on. what other house would throw itself in 100+ mobsters without a plan? she said to hell with it, she’ll figure it out on the way.

gryff secondaries’ honesty is part of their personality and morality — jihee has seen the men play the sappy part only for their own selfish gain, and hates it deeply within her core. once she sees juwon isn’t pretending to be anyone but himself (he is also a gryffindor secondary after all) —  a simple man who reads books on stories where men are bloody but loved, who is willing to buy a ticket to simply share conversations with her  — she finally lets him in, slowly but surely. (her slytherin recognizes that he is also someone the world has shunned for who he is, for the labels they have stuck on him, and she embraces him warmly. he is hers now. and she is his.)

their kid is a gryff/gryff btw . she houseshares with her bf’s dad n i think that’s rlly cute . (her bf houseshares with her dad so . soulmates or whatever)

lee mihyun [gryffindor primary / ravenclaw secondary]

lee mihyun lee mihyun lee mihyun, who uses her powers like she uses her gun, carrying them around and doing the maintenance of each part every night. some would call it overdoing it, but she calls it a habit, calls it being prepared. (and amidst the very real danger that looms above her, can you blame her?) they're all tools she has on her, and years of training have taught her when to use which to get out of a situation with the upper hand. she's a ravenclaw secondary, the house that collects knowledge, tools or skills and then picks them up in times of need. she scouts for danger daily on social media, assesses the situation from a vantage point to collect intel; and yes, she's an agent, at this point it's probably second nature. but this is where she's most comfortable, pulling out from her pocket the information she gathered and the problem-solving systems she’s built whenever she gets tossed into danger.

lee mihyun’s specific brand of claw secondary has her being an adaptable problem solver — understandable, considering her tool set includes her heightened senses (six: her five senses and her common sense) and her gun (make that seven), as well as her general training as a black op agent. however, ravenclaw secondary tools are task-specific. sure, she can take out several enemy agents on her own with nothing but a gun and the strap of her handbag, but have her son bring a new pretty friend home and you’ll have her like a deer in headlights. (...the NIS did not prepare her for this)

her primary is a gryffindor, and it’s what makes her turn away from being an agent even after everything that’s on the line. it doesn’t matter, that she’s running away from the most powerful government agency, not if it’s the right thing to do. (it tires her, after losing her husband and having to do it all on her own. but she doesn't burn, not fully —she can't, not with her son still by her side.) now gryff primaries believe in trusting yourself and your gut, in doing so even if the whole world (or several hundred government agents) is against you. at the end of the day, the most important things is staying true to what’s inside of you. 

so in that fateful moment when the mission was clear, the orders indisputable, she turned away from her organization, her boss, her colleagues, to do what she felt was right. gun in her hand, she said to hell with consequences, i have to stay true to what i believe in — these people are enemies, but they are people and what we’re doing right now is wrong. (from afar, her future husband will see her act upon everything he had been feeling until then, will see a braver reflection of his own gryff primary, and he will fall in love.) 

kim dooshik [gryffindor primary/gryffindor secondary]

kim dooshik is a bit harder to sort; we really don’t see him as much as we could have. he has a gryffindor primary he shares with his wife; their whole story is about finding someone who believes in the same thing they do, stuck in an organization that tells them otherwise. he can look hufflepuff, in the way he values people and fairness — but the core of gryff primaries is about trusting your beliefs and doing your best to live by them. it’s about the bravery to pursue them, even if it leads him to a life of being chased, and captured, and tortured (…literally). 

he has a gryffindor secondary to go with it. that time he tried to diffuse the bomb on a civilian plane under no orders but his own? no orders, no plans, just him flying and trying to save people? very gryff/gryff of him. he also shares a lion secondary with his partner and they play off each other very well. (dooshik casually just letting juwon fall several hundred miles from the sky into where the enemies are and letting him figure it out… #justgryffsecondarybrosthingz)

sure, sure, one could argue for a ravenclaw secondary — but i think that’s just him being an agent. of course he would train and strategize. of course he would have backup plans. but at the end of the day, the method he falls back on is his charging, making it up as he goes. most of all, it’s his blunt honesty, his genuineness that we see shine in his actions. (even in the way he pursues mihyun — not a single disingenuous bone in his body) 

at the end of the day, he’ll rush into a problem when he believes it is right, no matter the consequences. he’ll fly into the enemy’s hands to protect his family, spend years imprisoned in a cave not faltering in his beliefs. a gryff/gryff through and through. 

[seokjinsonlyone]

if one of the members hit u up on social media somehow n y’all get serious, would u drop everything and move to korea to be with them?

without a moment of hesitation as soon as they say "do u want -" i'm already 6 hours into the plane ride like for any member the answer is yes i'm madly in love wit da whole crew but now i wanna play this scenario out

also i'm doing this under the assumption that this is post enlistment like i'm not moving to korea just for my man to be gone for 2 years 😭 like i'd wait for them no DOUBT but i'll wait in america with my family in the comfort of my own home 😌

okay so for jk i'd move but we could NOT live together like we got to learn to love each other in person bc lemme tell u he'd piss me off and i'd annoy him so bad if we lived together off the jump like i have a morning job so being up at 1-5 in the morning singing and cooking and is not the move and then look i'm a fan of ambience i am but a bad bith got depression i got to have the lights on or else i'd never do anything skskksdk so since i'd be living alone i'd def need to have a job so idk what energy i'd have left for him LOL like it'd require a lot of adjustments on both our parts bc we is both weird and oddly particular all in all either he'd have to love me a whole lot to make us work or i think the sex would keep us together for a good 3-4 months before he realizes it's not worth it but i would stay in korea for at least a year like i could nOt show my face back in america any sooner than that. (side note: i think if i let him provide for me we'd be super compatible tbh but then we'd be more like besties instead of bf gf) approximate success rate: 46%

oh lawd wit tae i'd have to battle with the dog like i think we could live together but me and tannie would be mortal enemies he’d be my sworn nemesis like straight up dr doofenshmirtz and perry the platypus the way we’d be at each other’s throats bc all he gotta do is turn his neck backwards and hit me wit dat judgmental glare one time and i’m ready to square up but tae seems like the type fall in love very hard so if he’s asking me to move to korea for him he’s willing to make it work and frfr all i gotta do is take yeontan out on a walk one good time he gon get tired bout halfway through and then look for me to hold him and that'll settle most of our differences we may not be best friends but we'll have come to an understanding then all that's left to do is work on tae like get him to get the dog off his mouth off the table and out the kitchen and it's smooth sailing fr i feel like he'd alternate between being super clingy and kinda distant which would be a little frustrating a little irritating but we could cope like if we could just get through that adjustment period it'd be fine. approximate success rate: 72%

if i was with joonie i think the most source of contention would be over decoration like y'all know me and u know them ugly little couch pillows would have to be the first thing to go LOL but after that like okay i wouldn't try to take over but i would just need a space for me that feels like my own that i belong there not just be amongst one of his hyperfixations y'know? like he just has so much art in his place we would need to edit it down so i wouldn't feel like i'm constantly living in an exhibition paint the walls get some more plants bring some life into the place but other than that i think me and joonie would get along really well like we would probably nag at each other about little habits that irritate us but i can't foresee anything being too serious approximate success rate: 84%

hobi's another one i feel like i couldn't live with immediately LOL like i would 100% irk his nerves jfslsls he'd be nagging me to put my clothes in the hamper, put them away, stop leaving stuff around, etc. bc like i'm soooo good at keeping common areas clean not a problem but my room? i'm just always in such a mad dash to get to the bed that i just be leaving stuff anywhere be rushing like my bed gon get up and run away if i'm not in it within 30 seconds of entering the room so it do be junky and also i'm a go with the flow person and imma be ready to take a nap and hobi gonna pop up with some furniture polish and a swiffer talking about it's dusting day and imma lose it like we just need some time before we take that step sklfksd but other than that our relationship would be perfect?? like he's end game for sure we would eventually move in together and live happily after approximate success rate: 87%

my precious baby seokjin lawd i love and miss him so much need him expeditiously oh god missing seokjin hours just hit bc i'm thinking about how perfect he would be for me 😭 like moving in general is a lot but moving to a whole nother country is something else entirely and i think he'd just be so kind and thoughtful about the whole thing like i feel like he'd already have me a room in his place cleared out??? and would just give me a whole lot of space to just exist like helping me unpack and decorate however i like however long it takes not crowding around me when i'm overwhelmed letting me invade his space when i'm feeling clingy cooking me meals like he just seems like he'd try his very very best to make sure i'm comfortable and having fun the entire time like i'm sorry this is just my man and we're meant to be <333 approximate success rate: 95%

jimin is so caring and so sweet and i love that about him but that might be the thing that drive me up the wall like his care might just be a little overbearing for me and like i’d be his girl he tryna make sure i’m straight but if i say i’m good i’m good even if i’m not like imma need a minute and he not gonna wanna give it to me gonna wanna talk about everything all the time but imma need time to process everything before talking about anything and he might not get that at first so there would be some tension but after we’re able to align my introversion with his extroversion everything would be great and i think he’d accept my mess and i’d accept his and then we would get tired of being messy and push each other to be better i also can see a lot of cuddling and watching youtube on tv approximate success rate: 78%

finally there’s yoongi my twin flame <333 with him we'd probably already have a discussion about living together simply bc it's more convenient and economical to do so but the relationship...... it's like we might as well have not met online LOL like it'll be soooo awkward at first like it's gon take 3-4 weeks to really warm up to each other in person like he'll cook me breakfast and then when i sit down to eat with him he just not gonna look me in the eyes and i'll just be trying my best to be quiet and out of the way trying not to be seen or heard so he won't throw me away and then literally just one day it'll click we'll be like what are we doing and why and then all of a sudden we kissing cuddling he's taking me to his studio arm wrapped around my waist like we gonna go from being acquaintances to having old married couple vibes overnight and honestly i'm here for that comfort and familiarity the only thing i can see being a problem is that ion like to initiate conflict like if u start it imma finish but i ain't throwing the first punch but he seems to be more mature than me in that aspect so as long as he helps me to keep a line of communication open i can't see a reason why we would ever break up approximate success rate: 93%

sorry for using ur question as a catalyst for my delusion

[nochi-quinn]

legend of vox machina watch party episodes 10-12: non-fungible thordak

"she's not having any of our shit tonight"

did matt get a haircut

"you're not leaving 'til 2 am, bitch"

"are you a vampire coven?" "if taliesin were here we could talk about it"

episode 10 act 4 part 3

"this is where we forgot to draw the city"

liam fangirling his own show

"OPE he lost his fingers"

"stop SPOILING. there's gonna be ACTION in the show."

"the tree piece in this game is really OP"

"shitty vox machina came in to ruin their Warhammer game"

"I forget which animals are fused with humans."

"shut UP matt"

"shout out - oh shit he's in the room"

"you slapped porkchops for like hours"

why does that sound like a euphemism

"I feel like that'd be it for me"

"matt mercer is mean!" "I didn't spend hours building those toothpick barricades for nothing!"

"that's why we named her pike"

"is there no basement? there is not"

bassment

I love how much they love their show. I know I was poking at liam earlier but it genuinely is so charming

"same arrow! that's called being responsible"

phil defending his poor herdsmen

"you guys are VIOLENT"

"TOP ROPE"

"spoilers!" maybe it'll be different on my screen

"and they were correct"

I FORGOT HE ONLY HAD ONE HITPOINT

recklegreweapomastah

"you sound like you've had your ass kicked" environmental storytelling

"there's a z-pack in there somewhere"

"zanror, needlessly hot" liam is fully horny on main tonight

"are they brothers like neptune and uranus were cousins"

"but I was born in canada"

"I actually had to shit myself for that line" "we all did"

"it's fun! and also disgusting!"

"let's not psychoanalyze me tonight"

"keyleth is the cutest" glad we're all in agreement

matt is all of us

"get a JOB leave him ALONE"

"she's bullying vax" "you're not wrong"

"he's doing the whole band" how else are you gonna get backstage

"we had to cut things from other episodes to get in 'at dawn we plan'" good

you are now Neutral with The Herd

release the underwear bible

"it is a square"

"you know what's weird? watching this scene with your kids"

"HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THIS" "it was very difficult"

"did you have to have a talk about bondage and safety?!"

"we have…DIFFERENT PARENTING STYLES"

COLOR SCRIPT COFFEE TABLE BOOK

GIMME

that's a cool band logo

oh NO

matt broke all over again

listen sometimes you just have to have a mental breakdown, it's good for your mental health

"we asked! we forgot."

"turkey vulture!"

"in a week we can talk about it. …something else bad will happen by then." my life for the past year and a half

sam: let me make this as awkward as possible so it can only get better from here

"you write a creepy thing and you feel guilty about it" "critical role"

the writers were on top of that one

"we talk all the time you guys"

"none of this should be happening"

"see, now chat's mad at you"

SAM

THAT was liam?!

I'm turning in my voice actor fan card

"you're gonna be the guy they hit"

the fact that he wasn't doing a low bass was why I didn't clock him tbh

"take that, vegeta"

EPISODE ELEVEN

"seventy-five!" "eighty-three!" "hike!"

OH the mugs!

samuel

"beautiful nonsense scene"

travis slapping sam's hand away from the edits

"what you did is bad!"

"THIS IS A GOOD SHOW"

"I'm sure it's fine"

"this is taliesin's front yard, actually"

"look what they did to my boy"

"campaign 4 reference, shh"

"kiss him, vax"

I looked up the show sam and liam referenced, it aired 92-93. I was 4.

umbrasyl listens to linkin park, it's canon

"he's a lot less menacing if you think of him as a whiny kid" there's a lot of that in that last fight

"award-winning awkwardness"

"ashley did not have to act here"

"I think taliesin wrote some of this bullshit"

"if you'd stop FEEDING THEM"

"cut my heart out" liam gets me

"blood pools are my kink"

"it's capri-sun, it's fine"

"it's a discotek at night"

"I've had this dream" I have been blessed to not have drowning dreams, if that changes now I'm fighting matt in the street

between the two of them liam and courtenay voiced half of new vegas

matt drop the raven queen lore

matt you have to tell sam's kids it's the law

"is it YOU?"

not the creepy cg mask

"he's just a little dork!" accurate

percy 100% would have been a train nerd

why did liam's mic pick up him knocking on his head so clearly

very cool that they built the trap in 3d

"this is basically a documentary"

"HO DAMN"

"he goes INVISIBLE?!"

phil with the list of the names

that, that "can't hit what you can't see" felt very adolescent to me

"some said longer, some said shorter" "we disregarded both!"

"the only episode this season where we end on a cliffhanger"

"episode 47 down"

travis I heard you echo that "duty"

remembering that liam went through all of this while dealing with his mother's death

matt: like comment and subscribe

"if you don't do it you'll turn into a squidface" "that's season 3"

"for some people that's a plus"

I don't know why I like the phrasing "deity version" so much

"there's love there!"

the way he says "conversations" means those two have definitely had at least one fistfight over canon

DARGINS

weasel dragon

Dragon Department

CEO of Dragons

I want "Dragon Team" on my resume

"because percy invented the metric system"

"it's canon now"

17 de Rolos

UMBRASSYL

"chat wants you to show - " "your muscles"

"I practice in the car so my neighbors don't call 911"

EPISODE TWELVE

hope devouwewer

"I want a pink dragon that spits out glitter"

"back inside that bad dragon" liam no

watch out for that treeeee

"but HOW THOUGH" sam gets me

"always bring a healer" stares at laura

"when the raven from the opening went by I fell out of the chair"

"you don't have to choose one" mica/percy/vax polycule

embiggened vestige

umbrasyl on 3G

"YOU'RE NOT MY DAD"

travis keeps catching himself from saying "d&d" and says "ttrpg"

"that's just liam just talking to me"

"kiss her you fool"

scanlan as paul rudd makes 100% sense and I hate it

"RUDE. UNNECCESARY. didn't have to do it and did it anyway"

vex can't feel vax bc gatshadow's made of lead

"ancient dragon, he can do what he wants"

"we had another ending in case we didn't get a season 3 where scanlan ran and everyone died" "whAT?"

"why would you DO THAT TO ME"

liam stop saying bad dragon

"ANIME YELL"

to make an omelette you have to crack a few scanlans

"that's a scrabble word"

"the theme….but slow"

"it's all hue lights"

wait WHAT

rewatches every previous yennen scene

"she could have written a letter" but the mail fraud

age has only done amazing things to cree summer's voice

"what porpoise"

"to go do Vegas"

"put it all on red"

"I'm putting it all into bitcoin"

"he's a cryptobro" "he IS the big bad!"

"you don't get the egg, but there's a code for each individual egg"

I made the poor decision to drink liquids during the watch party again

"that's that thing that I said!"

you know what it makes me think of lernie from hades

this is not a complaint

GOD I mentioned an artbook and now I want it so bad

thordak: talking mad shit for someone in thagomizer range

sketchy vax wings?!

sketchy vax wings!!

"it's not over for all you lefthanded people"

"my wife's a lefty and every morning I say the same thing"

"don't worry laura, you'll be something someday"

The Internets

where's that comic that always makes me cry with the AWNP lines over That Counterspell

matt dropped out of art school to be a rules lawyer

ghibli keyleth!!

cASSeteria

"now you've made me sad" "GOOD"

"fifteen seasons and a movie trilogy"

"he's the EP so he said he gets the killing blow"

"is that you writing" "he uses a typewriter"

"oh god I have to do this again"

[bethanydelleman]

Not Jane Austen related, but could you tell me about your career as a cognitive neuroscientist?

Sure! Now I will be clear, I don't have a PhD, I have an MA, but the definition of "scientist" doesn't include your degree level and it’s the easiest term to understand.

My MA is in cognitive neuroscience and I mainly studied how fear changes our ability to remember things. You can read my dissertation if you want. I also spent a lot of time working with seniors and I have taught courses on how memory changes as we age. My job title has mostly been “research assistant.” I mostly studied memory, but I had an interest in language development and OCD.

After I graduated, I taught brain function and research methods for two semesters at a small university as a sessional lecturer.

Then I got a job as a research assistant to family doctors. I really loved that job. The research I was doing was public health focused. We looked at offering free legal advice to our patients, helping seniors take their medications on time, helping family medicine residents study for their exams (two papers out of that one!), and the needs of family doctor training programs in low income countries. (Many of these are available free to read online)

Here I need to say something about research: it doesn’t matter what you are an expert in, it matters that you know the process. The doctors I worked with were the experts, but because I know the basic methods of research, I can apply these to any project I encounter.

Then I spent a year in a different department doing heart health research. This research was more qualitative (people's experiences) than quantitative (things I can do statistics on) so I didn't enjoy it as much. But I was between pregnancies and I needed a job.

I am planning to get back into research again soon, I took a break when my kids were both in daycare and I opened my own home daycare, which ended up being a very good move, because the pandemic hit right when I would have been heading back to work after maternity leave (I live in Canada, one year at 50% pay). That is what I am doing now but I keep involved in science by continuing to participate in the peer review process. Peer review is always done on a volunteer basis and on your own time.

Now if you are thinking of getting into science, I know some things have happened recently with the whole pandemic, but let me say: it's a tough field. Researchers like me are often only hired on temporary contracts because our pay is based on grant funding. Despite advanced degrees, many of us are not paid very well at all and because of the short contracts we don’t have job security.

I was actually enrolled in a PhD program but I realized I wanted to do more applied research, which my supervisor couldn't offer. I also became aware that in the job market, the PhD wouldn't give me that much of an edge because I didn't want to be a professor.

Why not a professor? I don't like all the parts of the job. It is constant grant applications, a lot of training grad students, teaching rabbles of undergrads, and a lot of paper writing and revisions. I like some of those things, like teaching and statistics, but not others. Also, as a Canadian, it's almost impossible to get a job without first moving to the United States or Europe and I didn't want to do that. I've been watching friends have marriages fall apart because they both have PhDs and it's very hard to get post-docs in the same province or country, let alone city...

Universities are also hiring less full professors and more sessional lecturers. SLs are paid almost nothing and you have to accept a very high course load to make a reasonable living. Also no research, you just teach.

Which is all to say, get a PhD if you really love the subject matter, but the career prospects afterwards are rough. I love doing it though, so I most likely will be returning. Right now I’m using all my extra brain power on Jane Austen analysis and writing JAFF.

And for fun!

Here is a picture of my actual brain, which I lay perfectly still in an MRI for 1.5 hours just to get (look at that beautiful cerebellum, those healthy white matter tracks... I’ll stop):

And me doing a traumatic brain injury study (I fell off a cliff once) in an EEG:

And me cutting up a sheep brain (best day ever!)

[dancinjanssen]

Life update. Haven’t done this in a while, if ever.

I am happiest to report that I got out of slinging coffee (which I’d been doing since 2014 across two different places) and found an office job. Without doxxing myself, essentially I calculate/reconcile real estate agents’ commission checks and make sure that each person involved in the transaction is getting paid the right amount. Monday through Friday, all the holidays off, no more dealing with customers. It’s been pretty great. (The only thing I’m still adjusting to is working 8 to 5 as a natural night owl who would always prefer to be up until 2 am and sleep until 10.) I’m that weirdo who’s always loved math too, so I feel completely in my element. My boss is essentially the 2.0 version of my favorite math teacher from middle school, which has been hilarious and great too. They literally even have the same first name and look alike.

My barista years will always hold a place in my heart. I worked with some amazing coworkers, got to do barista competitions, and now I have knowledge and appreciation of good coffee that I’ll enjoy on the customer end for the rest of my life. That being said…..

Why after eight years in the industry and four of them at this last place did I leave? I’ll tell you exactly why. MANAGEMENT. Really specifically one manager, but the rest of management defended and protected her behavior, so I really left all of them. In a nutshell:

Year one: Different supervisor. Call him M. M wasn’t great, but he eventually got fired. This supervisor- H- got promoted in his place.

Years two and three: For reasons I still don’t comprehend, H took an immediate abnormally strong liking to me. It went beyond just thinking I was a good worker and appreciating me on a professional level. H would tell me to come hang out with her in the office and just talk to her about life for 1-2 hours a night. She told me to always have her grab my money for the register and that if any other manager offered, to tell them she was doing it. And when Covid hit in 2020 and a big part of our staff got furloughed, she moved me from a station that got shut down to one that didn’t just so I wouldn’t get furloughed because she said she would cry if I did. One of the sketchiest straws for me was the night she told me to close the coffee shop for my lunch (like always) but then to stay closed for an extra half hour to come hang out with her.

Year four: Complaints about H favoring me naturally mounted, and finally after enough of them, the boss above her talked to her and told her it needed to stop. I agreed with that. That alone was perfectly fine and needed to happen. But this was where H just went unhinged and made my final year at this place hell. She blamed me almost entirely for our relationship getting out of hand. She told me I got too carried away and didn’t manage my time well enough and that’s why it got noticed that we were together in the office a lot. When I asked her why she never once told me it was time to leave and get back to work (you know, her job as MY BOSS), she told me she thought all my work was done. Oh yeah. Telling me to come hang out with you at 7:30 when the coffee shop closed at 11 was me clearly having all my work done. [Sarcasm]

And from then on, H was not nice to me. She avoided eye contact with me, said the absolute bare minimum to me, and made big shows of saying hi and talking to everyone else while completely ignoring me. Once we got some new hires, they became her new favorites and did all the stuff she and I used to do. It was like she learned NOTHING from what happened with me. These people hung out with her in the office just like we did, but all the while she still iced me out and acted like I was gum on her shoe for getting her in trouble the first time. It put me in a horrendous place mentally. I blamed myself for somehow not being good enough for her or for being “too much” for her. What did these new employees have that I didn’t?

January this year: I along with 5-6 other employees all went to upper management about H. About her favoritism. About her treating us like garbage while her new chosen ones sat in the office and did zero work. About H giving them Christmas gifts right in front of everyone else. All upper management told me was to get over it, back off, and stop letting it bother me. That all H owed me was to be professional and not to be my friend. I told them she wasn’t even being professional with me and they didn’t care. The single only thing they agreed to tell her was that she needed to look at me when she was talking to me. They agreed the lack of eye contact was rude. (I know some autistic people prefer that, but I don’t. Mileage may vary. And it was her being rude, not uncomfortable with eye contact. She made it with everyone else.)

February to May this year: I went day to day never knowing which version of H I was going to get. Some days she randomly warmed up to me again, others she kept icing me out. Some days she made eye contact, others she didn’t. One day she walked with me into the building and made conversation the whole way, the next she’d avert her eyes and walk on without me.

May 2022: I finally drew the line for my mental health, said enough of this bullshit, and found a new job. Gave H my two weeks on May 23rd (sooo satisfying!) and my last day was June 2nd. I didn’t even have to do that. I could have told her to go get f**ked and walked out right on the 23rd. But I cared about my other coworkers enough to work my two weeks, plus the new place didn’t start me until June 6th anyway.

June 2nd (my last day): Probably the single weirdest day I ever had with H. Each month this year, she planned to bring cake one night and celebrate all the birthdays of that month. She saw that through in January, February, and March only, and then had abandoned it. Back in January, she accidentally announced me with the names even though I’m a May baby. Sometime later when the vibe was right, I let her know that, and she felt bad and said I could pick one of the cake flavors for May. (She always got two cakes.) After no cake happened in April, I thought it was a lost cause anyway, but when I asked a couple of times almost just to be snarky, she kept insisting it was happening.

Finally on my last day, she told me she had my cake. That it was MY cake and she didn’t get cake for anyone else, and it was combination birthday and going away/new job. She said all of this very stoically and mechanically. When I went to her office later to get the cake, it was goodbye for us and I didn’t really know what to say. I thanked her and told her I was sorry that things got rough with us, and she said “It is what it is. I’m glad you can grow in your new career now.” So that told me she was ecstatic for me to leave.

The whole thing was just WEIRD. I never really knew where I stood with her. Getting out was the absolute best thing for me. I wish everyone else luck in their navigations with her.

I still keep in touch with coworkers. I am happy to say that one month later, my job has not been filled yet and they’re now offering $1,000 sign on bonuses for some of the positions. That place can drown in its shitty management. I did my part to try to change it and nobody cared. Sayonara.

[richardjamesxo]

Knowing this is for the best. For the both of us hurts. I never realized that we lost ourselves being together. I always told myself different. Selfishly holding on to her for my own happiness. It’s crazy how losing someone really important to you can make you honestly reflect. All the problems I caused were not worth it. During our fights I forgot how to communicate to her. Ended up closing myself off as if I was an emotionless wall. She’s the one person who would’ve listened to me no matter how bad the problem was but again like how my other relationships fell apart. I wasn’t honest and didn’t leave a choice out there for her. Things probably should’ve been this way sooner.

Scared to communicate with the one person in the world who loved me for me. My feelings in general have been just so conflicted. I started feeling like I was living 2 different lives. 1 being truly happy with her and the other 1 having this insatiable desire to seek thrill. The thrill seeking side was me going through the stresses of my life without her. Whenever she’d leave my side. I talked to other girls who didn’t mean anything to me at all. At the time I just convinced myself that they did. Giving them power in my head when they don’t even know the real me. I convinced myself that it was fine talking to them because they talked to me about things I could never talk about with my now ex girlfriend. I mean she didn’t even give those topics the light of day. It really bothered me that she didn’t. I wish it didn’t but somehow it always did matter to me. That in itself manifested my thrill seeking side. Thinking back she told me all these things about how we wouldn’t even know what those other girls I would be talking to would be saying about us low key. Prob hoping for us to split or gossiping. I just couldn’t understand it and stop at the time.

My girlfriend at the time being the person I always looked forward to seeing made me forget about all my problems. The problem with that is when she leaves everything began to hit me all at once again. I didn’t even consider doing things with other friends or homies. When plans came up I adjusted to her schedule because that’s how in love I was with her. I didn’t value hanging out with anyone else or picking up more shifts at my job. I relied on her so much to keep me happy. Honesty with your person shouldn’t be so hard. I just made it. In my case, my girlfriend I proclaimed to have loved for 9 years. Who I told that I wanted to marry. Caught me cheating on multiple occasions on my phone. Talking to these other girls not telling her about it. Yeah, I didn’t do anything but just talk to them but that part of me became absent my relationship with her. In hindsight, my words to her didn’t match my actions. She felt it. She knows me better than anyone ever could.

By the end of the relationship I ended up becoming a really shady person. A person that I’m not proud of becoming. Doing what I done. I forgot what it meant to be her boyfriend. The little things which should just be natural. I became so selfish and only thought of my problems. I told myself that finishing school and getting a job would fix all of it. The future we planned would finally be obtainable and all our problems would go away with it! So I thought. Little did I know you were slowly drowning in all your own problems by yourself which you tried not to stress me with. I wish I could’ve been there for you.

Talking to my homies, family and my final talk with you made me realize that I shouldn’t keep things to myself. Doing that led me here where I’m at today, alone. I can honestly say that I lost the love of my life. Everyone tells me that I need to distract myself and focus on myself. Tbh I’ve been trying but it’s hard. Whenever my mind wanders it goes to her my so called me ex now. Reminds me how I won’t ever be hers and she mine. Thinking about whoever’s next in your life will give you the world that I couldn’t kills me. I can honestly say that I wish we could’ve grown old together. Living a life without you is so strange to me. I feel like I’m living someone else’s life.

If ever we run in to each other again I’d just like to say “Thank you for breaking up with me.” It’s a super bitter pill to swallow but we need to understand ourselves and regain our individuality. I know that it took a lot for you to make this decision. I will always respect you so much for doing that which I couldn’t. All the effort, love and support in this relationship you have given me. Made me the person I am today! I may have not have given you all that you gave me but I hope you know that no matter what happened I never looked at anyone the way I have you. I hope you could say I made you happy for atleast 7/9 years. Even losing myself at the end I want you to know that these past 9 years have been the best years of my life so far! You growing up with me saved me through so much trauma. Even made me laugh through so much of it. Whenever I think about myself truly happy I think about driving with you. Singing our fav songs to which ever destination we’re going! Tbh the prep time and car jam sess’s of ours were what I looked forward to the most!! You being so on key and me being so off key! Made the best duet of its time.

Even though I won’t be there for you like I have been. Just know that I’m rooting for you from a distance. I will always love you. No matter what. My feelings for you will never change. You’ll never mean any less to me but nothing more too. We can’t expect us to resume our relationship in the future. We’re not going to ever be these people again. Meaning we got to live our lives like we’ll never be together again. Isn’t that the whole point of us regaining our individuality?

- Value The Moment 💫

[urionstandby]

hi everyone! how r u doing?

i was looking for some advice here, to anyone that might know what to do. just in case this topic is triggering for someone, im gonna talk abt psychiatric medication, mention mental hospitals, some abuse and several other mental issues. im not gonna get into detail but please, if any of these things will make u feel bad, don't read this. I just really don't know what to do.

i had some issues from when I was twelve til I was like 17, when i started getting a lot better. I was in a mental hospital at twelve, fifteen and sixteen, a month and a half each time. I was given a serious diagnosis at twelve and plenty doctors told me later in life (pretty late honestly) that it totally wasn't that. also, every brain scan I've ever had showed no symptoms of this condition that would have totally appeared on the images.

for context, the place I grew up in was a total nightmare. not gonna go into detail as I said in the beginning, but it had to do a lot with the fact that my mother was neglecting me, emotionally and also verbally abusing me from a very young age, and it didn't help at all that she had a lot of boyfriends she'd bring to live with us after only a month of knowing them (since I was four till I decided to gain some inner and mental peace and got a job and moved out, this happened). so the first time I was addmited to the mental hospital, I discovered there a safe place where I was heard and cared for, also a routine and stability I had never had (for more context, at nineteen years old I moved houses about ten times, that I can remember obviously).

so, I been on different medications for the last seven years. the final diagnosis was this thing where my mood can shift from being very happy to very sad (not bipolar disorder), supposedly being about my brain chemistry and not about the fact that I've been on survival mode since my birth until I finally left my mother's house and moved with my father (a very loving, patient and caring man that showed me what compassion and true care really felt like). plenty of doctors told me that I don't really need the medication at all right now, and also I don't have the best psychiatrist honestly. she never really texts me to see how I'm doing or to call me, the only times we talk are when I text her to get my prescription or when I'm feeling down and need to talk. she is being paid for doing nothing basically.

three months ago, I moved in with what started as a three-person relationship, a girl and a boy. the girl turned out to be narcissistic and manipulative, something I learned to detect and stay away from based on my mother and past relationships. she hurt me and this boy a lot, phisically and emotionally, and then acted like it was our fault if we got sad or angry. anyway, with my boyfriend we discussed this and ended things with her, she moved out and we're living alone. it wasn't easy obviously. she wouldn't leave without screaming and saying very hurtful things, trying to turn my boyfriend and I against each other which clearly didn't work. I also would like to clarify that at least my boyfriend and I were very excited with all the future we were planing for the three of us, trying really hard to keep going even though things were very complicated and were making us so sad all the time. we truly loved her, and although I saw fairly quickly what she was all about, I would never get involved in my boyfriend's process and talk shit abt her with him, I would never want to feel like I'm getting in the way and trying to split us up. so I waited even if it hurt, every word and hit and every trigger she caused in both me and my boyfriend. and u may wonder, why did I stayed there after all that? simply bc of the loving boy that showed me some true and unconditional love I have never had; someone so sweet, patient, sensitive, kind, compassionate and so so empathic that hurting me will make him feel just as bad but won't even make it about him. the very few times it happened, he was able to apologize and recognize what he did wrong and most importantly, never did it again. I would never leave him alone in that situation, and what made him see all of this was seeing the way she hurt me, which also made him notice he felt the same way without me saying anything. it may sound like the bare minimum but honestly, I come from a very very abusive (in every way imaginable) past relationship were I was only worth my body and what I could do with it, just showing me the right amount of affection to make me stay there while he just got what he wanted: someone so broken and selfless that wouldn't care how many times she was truly hurt and would run to confront him even though he was the one who really messed up. I'm a lot better now about it, sometimes it hurts to think about those two years I stayed with him but at least now I can recognize the patterns and stay the hell away from them. (don't know if this is important, but I was 17 when we got together and he was 19).

so, now things are getting better, really better. it's so sad that the house feels so much lighter and filled with love and laughter since our ex girlfriend left, but it's also so relieving. my boyfriend and I are able to laugh and dance and love eachother every day although things weren't easy, proving that we are really stronger that anything that can happen.

it's important to mention that when I started taking my pills I was taking a very high dosage (two 100mg pills every day) and it was truly horrible. it only turned off my brain, made me feel absolutely nothing and really sleepy, unable to focus and unable to think straight. thanks to this, I missed all of my high-school years. I was there, but my brain wasn't. with the years and talking with my psychiatrist, I was able to take down the dosage to only a quarter of a 100mg pill. the thing is, in the almost three months I had been with my ex girlfriend, when I was taking half a pill, I missed it for one or two days at a time. sometimes because I forgot and when I remembered, it was late and I knew I wasn't going to wake up for another 16 hours like it always happens, and other times because I just didn't want my brain to shut off like that. it's so horrible that my body just keeps going until it gives up. and almost every time I took the pills, I suffered serious tics until my body gave up and I fell asleep. it was a nightmare. so, I talked to my psychiatrist and managed to take it down to a quarter. gonna be honest, I'm not taking them anymore. I had always hated them, but now I know that I went slowly with it and not suddenly, and that other therapists that really care told me I never really needed them (I just needed to get out of my house honestly. another nightmare I lived in for 18 years). as u can see, I hadn't had it any easy haha.

to make things worst, I started to work again in a very stressful job that keeps me away from home and my partner all day, that started to make me really depressed and so so tired. I wasn't feeling like this before, it all started with this job and as things are very complicated economically, I was willing to try and hold on. it was really turning me into a different person, I was being so impatient and sometimes desconsiderate with my partner, something I only realized after I said some things and got so hurt that I would ever say it and make my partner feel that way. I'm not the kind of person to not think before I talk, and I would never ever hurt anyone intentionally, even less if it's my wonderful boyfriend. I was also feeling so distanced from him and from the only place I could call a home and a safe place, and that hurt so much.

I take a bike for work, and two days ago when I was going to the afternoon shift (I worked morning and afternoon, with enough time to go home at 14:30 pm and stay there for half an hour to eat and talk a bit with my partner before having to go back and come home around nine pm) I got hit by a motorcycle that was going fast and not really looking where they were going. the hit was bad, but at the moment with the adrenaline and the shock I just got up, carried my broken bike for eleven blocks and worked anyway. when I got there, I could barely lift my right arm and everything hurt so much. I was dizzy and felt like I had a fever, and I worked anyway. at night, i told my supervisor (that knew exactly what happened and how I was feeling) that I didn't know if I could go in at work the next day. she got mad that we're short-staffed and she wasn't being noticed with enough time, and forced me to go anyway. the next day (yesterday) I woke up and couldn't get up. I was so uncomfortable and crying from the pain, I actually been needing help getting dressed up, getting up and even going the bathroom and showering. when my boyfriend saw me like this, he talked some sense into stubborn me and I talked with my supervisor to let her know I couldn't go in that day, that I would be going to the hospital as soon as I could. she got really mad and told me that they didn't handle things that way there, and that we would need more organization.

my boyfriend took me to the er that day and we spent the whole day there, me crying from pain and exhaustion and barely moving without help. they gave me very strong medication that did nothing, so they had to put me into the emergency room and give me morphine, which only made me stop crying and feeling everything in my body except for my shoulder. also, in this whole hour I was with morphine and being mistreated by nurses (which had to put the morphine twice as the first time they did it so wrong my arm started to swell and hurt really bad) my partner couldn't even be there bc of the protocol, so I was alone and scared in a white room I found so recognizable with no battery on my phone to talk to my loved ones.

after being in the hospital for almost eight hours, I found out I have a fractured rib and a very badly hurt shoulder. I was prescribed the strongest medication they could give me and an orthopedic thing to cure my rib. I haven't been sleeping well because every position is either hurting me or extremely uncomfortable and not eating well because of the nausea from the two medications I'm taking. I talked to my mom (that tried to be helpful and payed for food and medication but in the process told me that I was exaggerating and other really, really hurtful things a parent should never say to their child even if they think they're joking) and she says that if I'm feeling down or having tics (that only come when I'm truly exhausted and not home) it's just because I suspended my medication. this got me thinking and after a rough night were I slept like five hours and had to wake up from the pain, I woke up so sad. so so sad. I get it after writing all of this that is comprehensible to feel this way, also because I'm probably getting fired and the economy in my country is in such a state that we would need serious help from my father and mother-in-law if I don't have the job. but it also makes me angry, because my boyfriend has been so wonderful with all of this. he has been caring for me and doing everything for me, even helping me to take my pants down to go to the toilet and showering me. also, he made things so easy and I was even laughing and feeling kinda good emotionally when I was with him. he never once made me feel bad about all the help I was getting (and needing so much help for everything is very hard for me, especially bc I was forced to do everything alone since I can remember, the only help I got later being thrown in my face and giving me so much guilt).

the question is, I don't really know if I'm feeling like this bc of my medication. I know I didn't quit taking them suddenly, my psychiatrist told me we could take the dosage down and I went really slowly with it. also as I said, plenty of doctors told me I didn't really need them and that my doctor was just giving them to me to get paid, not really caring about how I was really feeling. I was doing pretty well considering how things are going, and considering I was told all my life I could never live on my own or do basically anything on my own. I've acomplished so much in the last years that everyone that cares is so proud, and I am too.

it's just that after the comment my mother made, I'm kinda starting to feel she might be right. I've been honselty feeling very good in the last time without taking my pills, it's just the situation is so difficult. I don't ever want to take those pills again, they make my brain shut off all day and I can't enjoy anything. they weren't even making me feel good emotionally as they should, they just cancel every emotion.

also, my mother has a history of believing the really bad doctors over me just because they did and said what she wanted, and the only psychologists that were truly helping me and making me feel heard and making me see a lot of things were suddenly terrible and bad for me, so she forced me to change therapists again (one of the therapists I had that she never really let me stop seeing was on her phone during sessions, told me all the time I was exaggerating, and even told me when I was abused by my ex partner that boys are all like that and that I shouldn't leave him just for that. she was part of the reason I stayed with him for so long).

I don't really know what to do. I don't wanna go back to that job but the economy is just so complicated. should I let some time pass and see if I get better (emotionally and physically)? I'm so lost and so sad.

if you read all of this, thank you so much. my current psychologist isn't responding to my texts, she only tells me she'll see if she can give me a time for a session but never does. it might have to do with the fact that I couldn't pay for the last two (and very expensive) sessions because I have no money and no help from the mother who told me would pay for all of this. the therapist know all of this. so, I haven't had any psychological help either. please, if you could give me any constructive advice I would be so thankful. and also, if you're gonna comment, please be considerate, I'm in such a bad place right now I couldn't handle any more bad words.

again, thank u if u read all of this. take care of yourself, drink water and eat something and if u can, move a little. hope u are feeling well <3