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cartoonfangirl1218 · 3 years

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Give them what they want ch. 4

"Rajah can be base!" Fahran crowed as he grabbed the pet tiger's tale.

It was the final day of vacation before heading back to Auradon Prep, and Jordan was spending it to play tag with Aladdin and Jasmine's youngest children, 7 year old Asha and 5 year old Fahran. Not that there was much to do with the eldest, Zahrat Alquamar and her husband going cradle shopping while Aziz, Cassima, and Jay practicing R.O.A.R. moves.

But it was nice, after all the kids were adorable and all the work of keeping them out of trouble kept her mind off things for awhile.

She felt that everything was so hopeless whereas her love life was concerned, and she couldn't think of what to do. She searched any information she could on the Internet. But sites devoted to specific genie love problems were nonexistent. Which was only proving her idea that maybe she would never find love. She was never meant to.

So she tried to go on with her life and take breaks to reflect on her self worth by listening to her soundtrack of heartbreak an despair.

She had thought of asking her parents about it, but quickly discarded the idea. Genie and Eden, helpful advice. Never went well. Parenting was not their strong suit at all. They had gotten a bit restless with all the changing diapers and catering to needs and paying attention. There was a whole new world to explore, parties to start and having fun with their newfound freedom. So they turned over their parenting duties to Aladdin and Jasmine from 3 years old on. While she still visited them and spent vacations, the majority of the time, she called Jasmine and Aladdin her parents.

She had been bitter about it. But she understood that it was better she had been raised by Jasmine and Aladdin. They were dependable, they cared about her grades at school, and social life, and were the best people to call in a stressed situation. No where near as flighty, oblivious, or forgetful as her biological ones.

Okay, maybe she was still a little bitter about the abandonment.

She had asked advice from them before, specifically on how to deal with her love life and her friends using her. All she got was that in a few years, give it a couple of centuries or so, she'll find someone. Play along with it. If you really wanna forget your troubles, have some wine.

They never really felt the pain of being used. All they had were masters, they expected to give wishes, if they happened t find love, bonus. It never really bothered them because they had lived for years in a world where people didn't value them for their personalities.

Auradon was SUPPOSE to care for people for their individuality and inner beauty. If only, she could find someone that had that same idea when dating her.

"How about the fountain as base?" Jordan suggested as she gently pried Fahran's hand from his death grip on the tail. "The fountain doesn't feel pain if you jump on it too hard." As if agreeing with Jordan's statement, Rajah yanked his tail away, swatting Fahran on the cheek as he did so.

"Jordan just the person I wanted to see." Jasmine called as she and Aladdin walked out to the courtyard.

"Uh yes?" Jordan moved away to the garden path Jasmine was walking on while Aladdin went off to play with the kids.

Jasmine leaned closer to her, "Aziz told me about Pierce." When Jordan didn't answer, she continued talking with a low, calm voice, "He told me the same day you told him. I was hoping you would come to me on your own during this vacation, but since tomorrow you're leaving again, I wanted to bring it up."

Jordan felt her stomach sink. She had so much wanted to ignore the event that had happened.

"When Aziz told you about Pierce, did he tell you, how I told him that I would deal with it? That I was over it." Jordan said

"I know you don't like talking about it..." Jasmine said softly, "But I wasn't going to suggest that. I just wanted to know if you wanted me to do something with the administration. Maybe take a few days off. I know it hurts since you were telling me how.. How great he was when you were dating."

Jordan couldn't help but think of lyrics from her soundtrack of heartbreak and despair. "I loved him but only on my own."

"It's okay mom. I've been dating other people." Jordan tried to plaster a smile on her face but Jasmine's thoughtful, knowing look made her drop it.

"Which hasn't ended well. Jay told me about the limo turned python. He was impressed."

Dina had been furious with Jordan replacing the limo with a python, but hadn't reported her use of magic. Although it was against the ban for Jordan to use her magic, it had been against the Anti-Magic Ban for Dina to wish for it in the first place. So tough for her.

"Am I getting punished for that?" Jordan sighed

"No, I can imagine why you decided to do that if she had wished for that limo in the first place. Right now, I want to talk about Pierce." Jasmine answered.

"I can't do anything about that. People date me for their reasons to date me." Jordan replied.

"When it comes to me, their kisses come free but they never give all the heart."

"You can do something about Pierce." Jasmine said. "He should not be allowed at that school. Taking advantage of your magic like that. Allah, forbid that he wants seconds. You don't have to say anything, I will do the talking."

"No, Mom" Jordan grabbed her shoulder, stopping Jasmine mid-rant. "I would have done it myself. But seriously, I don't care what happened to me. It doesn't matter. It's only going to happen again."

"Not if I report him." Jasmine answered stonily, "I'm more than willing to press charges."

"Maybe there's somewhere a lesson to learn. But that wouldn't change the fact, that wouldn't speed the time. Once the foundation's cracked, and I'm still hurting."

"Not just him. From anyone. If one person can wish that, another person can. They already did." Jordan whispered, remembering the first time that event had happened. "Relationships, strangers. It's happened centuries before, and I'll have to deal with it in the future. After all, I'm a genie. People expect me to give them pleasure..."

Jasmine took a hard look at Jordan, maving her stare directly into her eyes. "I do NOT want to hear that explanation ever again. That is asinine and I will not have it. Just because you are a genie, that is no reason to allow them to abuse you or take advantage of you or rape you. You are a person as anyone else. The idea that you are "meant" to do it means nothing. You do not have a master,you are no one's genie, and you never will. "

"The world has no right to my heart, the world has no place in my bed"

Jordan wanted to cry into Jasmine's chest like she used to do when she was younger and had nightmares about those situations. "I still can't do anything though. I..you see. Pierce's third wish was that no one could get revenge on him for this. Not by physical means or through reputation. Even if you put a report, it wouldn't go through or maybe backfire. Belive me, I tried to throw a case at him and it only hit me."

Jasmine's face transformed from righteous fury to pained understanding. It only made Jordan feel worse to see it. Jasmine, her adoptive mother cared so much for her well-being. And here, she had gotten raped and she was helpless to get justice or find closure in some way.

"Mom.." Jordan ventured to tell what had been haunting her thoughts lately, "All people want from me are wishes."

"I don't. None of your family does." Jasmine inturrupted.

"But what about everyone else do. They dump me if I don't. And so far no one has dated me for any other reason, and it's been like this for years. I was wondering if anyone ever would. No one, no one cares for me otherwise.."

"They see me for what I am. Which is a horrible, stupid, dumb and ugly, fat, and stupid, simple, self-hating bitch."

"There are people who care more than about wishes." Jasmine insisted. Jordan thought of Calix, but he didn't see her in that way. Her family didn't see her that way for obvious reasons. Her parents would never but...they had left her. Her stomachs felt hollow as she had a sudden gripping fear that her relationship with the rest of her adoptive family might change. Her parents obviously thought she was a handful and gave her to someone else.

"When you once unafraid wore your heart on your sleeve, and the ones that you loved, chose to just turn and leave."

Jordan straightened her back and took a deep breath, "You're right, Mom." She said quickly, "Thank you for the talk. I better pack up before going." She gave a brief hug and speed walked to the palace. The next day, she avoided any further conversation than the goodbyes and was soon off to Auradon.

Her thoughts swirled around desperately, as she imagined what she would be left without her adoptive family. The inevitable day that they died and she was still living or worse, they see her as everyone else does and reject her.

She wanted assurance but didn't want to broach the subject with anyone. What if she brought it up, and with some thinking they do realize her bad points if they hadn't already.

"Only when you're left alone does it get sad."

At first it seemed irrational but the more she thought, the more it made sense. Clearly something was wrong with her. Why else would everyone leave her? She had to be good. She had to be perfect and nice and do everything they wanted. Say anything they wanted to hear. Be anything they wanted. Anything to keep them from leaving her. She had to give them everything they could want from her.

"Cause everybody, they love a winner. So nobody love me. Lady peaceful, Lady happy. That's what I long to be. All the odds are, they're in my favor, Something's bound to begin. It's gonna happen, happen sometime. Maybe this time, maybe this time I'll win!"

Author's Note: And it slowly comes back to the title.

So yet another chapter in this story has been completed. Whew. Things are still going down from here. Don't know when I'll update but the movie is coming! Woo!

Anyway some miscellaneous notes.

Zahrat Alquamar means Moonflower in Arabic. I thought it would be nice, since Yasmin would be so unoriginal.

Cassim was the name of Aladdin's dad so that is where Cassima comes from.

Eden was Genie's girlfriend in the Aladdin series. Until proof is shown, I firmly believe that Eden is his wife and Jordan's mom.

So soundtrack of heartbreak and despair songs,

"I loved him, but only on my own" ~On my own (Les Miserables)

"When it comes to me, their kisses come free but they never give all the heart" ~Never give all the heart (Smash)

"Maybe there's somewhere a lesson to learn, but that wouldn't change the fact. That wouldn't speed the time. Once the foundation's cracked and I'm still hurting." ~Still hurting (The Last Five Years)

"The world has no right to my heart, the world has no place in my bed" ~Burn (Hamilton)

"They see me for what I am. Which is a horrible, stupid, dumb and ugly, fat and stupid, simple, self hating bitch." ~You, Stupid Bitch (Crazy Ex Girlfriend)

"When you once unafraid wore your heart on your sleeve, and the ones that you love chose to just turn and leave." ~Safer (First Date)

"Only when you're left alone does it get sad." ~Dying ain't so bad (Bonnie and Clyde)

All grammatical and spelling mistakes are mine. Sometimes Autocorrect, depending how ridiculous it is.

#disney descendants #jasmine #aladdin #prince aziz #jordan #my fanfic #my fanfiction #give them what they want #chapter four

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chiefcloudanchor · 4 years

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Book 2. Chapter 2

After Jordan drops me off, I walk inside and find that my mother’s house has been broken into. I instinctively grab the metal baseball bet that sits by the door.

“Whos there?” I call. To my right, I hear a thud. I slowly walk towards the sound, as I walk into the kitchen, Rose is sitting on the floor crying. Slowly walking towards her, I realize that she has been cut in several places up and down her arm. I drop the bat.

“Oh my god, Rose! What happened? Did John do this to you? I’m calling the police.”

“No! Don’t. He said if I go to the police he would kill Rachel! She’s the only family I have left Rose. After our little fight, he and I went for a walk. I told him I wanted to go check on you. I tried pulling away but he gripped my arm really hard. After I told him to let go, he pulled out his pocket knife and started to cut my arm all over. He let go and I ran here.”

I call Jordan on Rose’s phone.

“Hey, it’s Emily. Can you come over to my house, please? It’s important. I’ll tell you what happened when you get here. Ok? I’ll see you in a few minutes. Ok. love you bye. Ok Jordans on his way. He’s not a cop, but he’s better than nothing.”

I help clean the wound and wrap it in bandages. I hear the door open.

“Hey, Emily I’m home. Someones here to see you, and he’s kind of cute!”

I walk into the front room and wave. Jordan walks up and hugs me.

“Heather, go to your room for a while, I need to talk to Jordan alone.”

After she’s gone I bring Jordan into the kitchen telling him what had happened to Rose and why her arm was all cut. He unwraps her arm and rewraps it tighter than I had. His face is twisted in thought as he paces the room. He pulls me into the front room and talks in a stern whisper.

“Do you know where he lives? His phone number. Anything?”

I shake my head.

“After we broke up, he moved and changed his number. I haven’t heard from him until today.”

He puts his forehead to mine and sighs. I realize at that moment, he won’t let anything hurt me or those I love. He pulls me into a hug and doesn’t let go until Rose asked me for a few Tylenol.

“I think you four should stay at my place for a while. I have 5 guest bedrooms at my house. Just pack a few things, and I’ll pick you up.”

“Four? Who are you talking about?”

“Rose, Rose’s sister, your sister, and you Em. Who else would I be talking about? You aren’t safe here, and he doesn’t know where I live, soo. You’re staying with me for the next couple of weeks until I know it’s safe to let you come home.”

I start packing and tell Heather (my sister) to start packing a few things too. Rose and I wear the same size of clothes and shoes, so I pack extra. After we are done packing, we pick up Rose’s little sister ( Amber) from the preschool that is too overpopulated with the police. Jordan drives down a road that none of us recognize. I look around and realize that we are in a beautiful forest.

“Wow! This is beautiful Jordan. How did you find it?” I can’t help but ask.

He just smiles and looks over at me. As we are pulling up to his house, I recognize the car that’s already here. It’s Drake’s. Drake steps out of the house and waves. I wave back, a little embarrassed to be seen in Jordan’s car, with our suitcases on top. I get out of the car and help Jordan get the suitcases down. Drake walks up to me.

“Here, let me help with that. Jordan texted saying that he’s bringing his girlfriend and a few other girls over and that you’re staying here for a while.”

He smiles a wicked smile and winks at me.

“Hey, man back off. She’s mine. Don’t get any ideas with the three others either. They are here simply for protection.”

Drake raises his hands like he wouldn’t dream of it. He starts carrying the suitcases in. Everyone but Jordan and I are just standing there awkwardly. Jordan shows us to our rooms and asks if I want to stay with one of the other girls. I say no.

“I can tell Rose is still mad at me, Heather gets mad when I try to even go into her room, and I don’t know Rose’s sister all that well. I don’t want to make her uncomfortable. Umm… do you mind if I stay in the living room or basement or something? “

He takes me to the basement, pulls the bed out of the corner.

“Umm… So… Call if you need help or anything. I’ll be upstairs helping the other girls get settled in. Hopefully, they aren’t uncomfortable around Drake and me. Dinner is at 6:00 every night. Breakfast and lunch are any time before dinner, so make yourself at home.”

I smile. ‘As soon as he’s gone, I’m going to change into something comfier. Maybe he’ll see how ugly I am, and I can continue my lonely life. I’d rather be lonely than not. I’m used to being lonely so why should that change?’ I think to myself. I get changed into some baggy, old sweat pants and a tank top with my grandma’s sweatshirt over it. I pull my hair up into a loose bun.

“You look … comfy.” Jordan says to me when I come up the stairs. He hugs me and asks how I’m doing.

“I’m Ok. just stressed out, with all of the day’s activities and stuff. Rose and I fighting, us dating now, Amber’s life is being threatened. I’m still trying to take it all in. Even though we’re safe, I still feel as if we’re not.”

He continues to hug me and tell me it’s safe. The house isn’t even on maps.

“The house is covered by trees and most people think the road doesn’t exist anymore. It’s covered with private property and most think it’s closed down. No matter what, you will be safe here.”

We’re eating Drake’s homemade pizza for dinner and watching ‘I am Number Four’. As we are eating, I cuddle up to Jordan’s side to get warm, even though I have a blanket over me. He puts his arm around me. We finish dinner and sit around the fireplace and tell stories of our childhoods. Jordan and I hold hands and cuddle the whole time. We all fall asleep around 3:00 A. M. watching ‘Frozen’.

This morning was slow. I wake up alone on the couch. I walk into the kitchen to find Jordan making omelets. I walk up and hug him from behind. He smiles, turns around, and hugs me with his head on my own.

“You look very pretty when you sleep. You know that?”

I blush so badly. I bury my face into his shirt even though I know he can’t see me. ‘Why do I always feel this way around him?’ I think to myself, trying not to squirm in his arms. I look up at him and look into his eyes. I have never noticed his eye color before. I’ve never had a reason to look at them. He picks me up and puts me at the dining table. A moment later, he walks up with two plates with omelets on them and two glasses of orange juice. We sit in silence and eat our breakfast.

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sanikori · 5 years

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So, i forced myself to watch Leaving Neverland...

And i swear, i've never hated some stangers in my life to the point where i want them dead. I felt my oxygen leave me and i was choking on my fucking tears from all the lies. I felt so sick, that i puked 5 times. But now i've recomposed myself so that i can expose these liars. I didn't want to go back in time and know how in feels to be a moonwalker in 1993. I wanted people to still talk about Michael, but not like this, never like this.

First things first, as Michael Williams, stated on Twitter, Michael has been investigated from the FBI for 13 fucking years.

Here we see 72 officers and 50 FBI agents in the Neverland Ranch in Santa Barbara. They searched every angle and interviewed everyone to find evidence and guess what? They found nothing.

He's been proved innocent at not 1 but 2 trials. To this day, there's still no valid proof that Michael did any of those things.

Even Michael’s fucking bodyguard stepped in to defended him and expose Wade.

Here's some of the bullshit they said in that documentary, Let's start with James Safetruck: James: "I've spent Thanksgiving in 1987 with him at his home" Wrong, Michael was in Australia as a part of the Bad Tour in November 24 1987 James: "Michael didn't want us spending any time with women and cut contact with me after puberty"

Really James? then how come we see you AFTER puberty holding an umbrella for Michael while Michael's ex wife, Lisa Marie Presley, was there with the both of you. James: "I was abused by Michael in New York in 1989 after he performed at the Grammys" Fake. The Grammys were in Los Angeles and Michael didn't perform at the Grammys in 1989. Now let's go with Wade Robson Wade: "I was molested by Michael between ages 7 and 14" Wade is now 36 so it happened from 1989 till 1996. So you're telling me that these "rapes" happend DURING the Chandler investigation and DURING Michael's marriage to Lisa Marie Presley as well? and the FBI found nothing? really? bitch please.

Here comes my favourite lie Then there's the MANIPOLATED footage of Michael begin honoured at the Regent Hotel and he apparently recorded a message for Wade "on his birthday" where Michael "says" "Hello Wade, today is your birthday"

The video at the Regent Hotel was recorded on the 20th February in 1990 while Wade's birthday in on the 7th of September and the original video was meant for Elizabeth Taylor.

Also Wade and James didn't even really grew up with Michael, they didn't even know Michael that well... they BEGGED to have Michael's attention and since Michael is an angel, they got it. Also i'd like to tell you that it’s the same Wade that DEFENDED Michael not only once, but 3 mother fucking times.

If you two are saying that Michael raped you both, then how come that Macaulay Culkin (the kid from the "Home Alone" movie) the one who literally grew up with Michael by his side, who basically lived at Neverland and was a child like the both of you, said that nothing happened between him and Michael and is still defending him to this day?

They change their stories every fucking second too. Wade has changed his story 4 times and James 2 times. Wade's first version of the story: Michael threatened and manipulated him that they'll go to jail if he says anything Wade's second version of the story: He didn't "realize" he's been abused Wade's third version of the story: He felt shame Wade's fourth version of the story: He ALWAYS knew what Michael did but he didn't realize it was bad (because who doesn't have anal sex with kids, right?) Then there's James: James's first version of the story: Michael and his people were threatening him to keep quiet and James refused to testify but he and his mom knew he had been abused James's second version of the story: He didn't realize he was abused till 2014. They're so worthless that they don't even know how to lie. If you gotta lie about a dead man to earn money, do it properly. It's also funny how they don't mention that Michael was around little girls as well and not only boys, whenever it was on the streets or in Neverland. Meanwhile Oprah just said "Fuck you" to 3 generations of Jacksons by backstabbing the man who welcomed her in his house by siding with these little shits. Not only Oprah knew, but she provited the “victims”. Also the reason why Oprah promoted "Leaving Neverland" is because at the Sundance, it was also a documentary about Harvey Weinstein, who is an actual pedophile and has been found guilty. But since he's Oprah’s best friend (yes, you heard that right) they just diverted the attention in media to Michael instead of Weinstein But Wade is the one i hate the most because not only he is a liar but he's also the REAL pedophile... his reputation was so bad that kids at jumpdance called him "Uncle Perv" and the mothers wanted them to stay away from him. Like, there's literally a photo of him side hugging a girl and his left hand is close to her breast while he has his right hand on his fucking dick.

He cheated on Michael's niece, Brandi Jackson (the two have been in a relationship for 8 years) with Britney Spears which resulted in Justin Timberlake's "Cry Me A River" song and he did hard drugs. Not to mention that he made out with his SISTER ON STAGE! and this bastard has a son which i really feel sorry for... but most of all, he's a crazy ass bitch. Paris Jackson (Michael's daughter) and Taj Jackson (Michael's nephew) are both REAL victims of sexual abuse, stop to think how these two feel about this. Also Taj found texts with Wade in 2009 where Wade is thanking Taj for letting him go to Michael's memorial

Also Taj recently stated in an inteview that Michael's third son, Bigi (Blanket) Jackson is not talking anymore. And the teachers are worried about him. He literally won't speak, at all.

In conclusion: Michael Jackson is innocent. He’s the real victim.

Please, tell what would lead him to do such a thing?

You're just gonna forget all the money he gave to charity? the many lives he saved? how he considered his fans as part of his family?

I've been a fan of him since i was 4 and i'll love and defend him till i die. This man saved me with his music in my darkest times, i feel protected whenever i see or hear anything related to him, he's my inspiration, my everything and if i could make a dead celebrity come back to life, it would be him... i was meant to go to his "This Is It" concert in July, meeting him for the first time but... it never happened... because he left... i've been called a pedophile supporter just for defending him... do you know how much this hurts? I've seen "moonwalkers" turning their back on Michael like it was nothing... i've been told that i need to accept the fact that my hero is in reality a bad guy, that i'm protecting him just cause i'm a fan.

They made you belive that he bleached his skin when in reality he suffered from Vitiligo and wasn't confident enough to show it to the entire world.

They made you belive that he changed because he had too much plastic surgery when in reality he suffered from Lupus. But even if the did have too much plastic surgery, why should it matter since half of the celebrities have plastic surgery?

They made you belive that he was gay when in reality he has been married to Debbie Rowe, who gifted him with Prince and Paris, and Lisa Marie Presley, he crushed on Diana Ross and Brooke Shields, was kissed on stage by Taitana Thumbtzen aka the girl in TWYMMF (The Way You Make Me Feel) and how to forget his infamous In The Closet song with Naomi Campbell? but even if he was, he’s still Michael.

They made you belive that he was a Junkie when in reality he had many medical illnesses that needed medication and a lot of painkillers.

But most of all, they made you belive that he was a pedophile when in reality he wanted to create the childhood he never had in his adulthood and there's nothing wrong with that, he couldn’t trust adults because instead of seeing him as a human with emotions, they saw him as a cash machine. If it wasn't for the kids, he would have already killed himself, he wouldn’t care to live and he said that he would rather slit his wrists instead of hurting a child.

It's not about defending my idol just cause i'm one of his countless fans, it's about giving a voice to a man who's no longer here to defend himself.

How am i going to belive them since they're accusing Michael Joseph Jackson, the same Michael that didn't want to step on a bug and called his bodyguard to take it while saying "Don't kill it!" while he was performing on stage? the same Michael that would have died for a squirrel?

This man is dead

Attacking a dead man isn't brave.

James Gunn is still alive and he signed with a major studio

Where in everyone in the media?

They are a bunch of pathetic cowards.

So guys please, don't watch this so called documentary cause they are calling:

His ex wives liars

His friends liars

The people who worked for him for over 20 years liars

His fans liars

His FAMILY liars

But they want you to just belive the word of two proven liars.

It’s been almost 10 years since we lost him.

Wake the fuck up.

Can’t belive we’re in 2019 and you decide now that he’s guilty for something he never did. Evan Chandler forced his son, Jordan Chandler, to accuse Michael for money. Then when Michael died, Evan regretted it so much that he hanged himself. I'm waiting for Wade, James, Oprah, Martin, Connrad and everyone who belives them to do the same thing since they're all nothing but a waste of air. But don't you worry cause Taj is making a TRUE documentary that proves Michael's innocence and once it's released, they will watch their lifes crumble into tiny pieces with their own eyes and i will be there, smiling while eating pocorns. Anyone who’s a brain washed moron who don’t belive that Michael is innocent or even thinks of calling me a pedophile supporter needs to fuck off right fucking now because you will be attacked visciously, blocked and reported so DO NOT BOTHER ME

In case you didn’t understand, i’ll gladly repeat in a more vulgar way since it’s the only way you can all communicate with other people

DUMBASS BITCHES DO NOT INTERACT WITH ME! STAY THE FUCK BACK!

You guys don’t bother to do your research, you should hear both sides of the story to come to a conclusion instead of going along with everything they say. You all eat their plate of lies just like you eat your mother’s food at lunch time. You don’t ask yourself “Are they lying to me?” no, you just go along with every single fucking thing they say cause you’re dependent from the Media.

Face it, we are in the right and we’re going to win this battle. Also, these people without Michael in their lifes, would have been nothing. PS: Someone needs to tell Wade that fantazing about having Michael's dick in his mouth at age 11 in not normal.

Now i want you all to blast at all volume the songs Money, Tabloid Junkie, Morphine and Leave Me Alone in honour of these good for nothing liars as you read this post of them begin exposed from head to toe by me

#michael jackson

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bxcketbarnes · 5 years

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Immortality

Pairing: Bellamy Blake x Reader

Words: 2000+

Author's Note: I saw this gif and instantly thought of doing an angsty fic. So, here's a semi-angst/fluffy fic. This does have spoilers from episodes 5 and 6 from this season in case some of you haven't seen it! I hope you guys enjoy this xox

Ever since we arrived in Sanctum Bellamy and I have been having some relationship problems. The past day or so he hasn't really talked to me much, hanging around Echo more frequently and I can't help but feel my chest clench in pain.

"Hey," Murphy mutters, resting his hand on my arm as I'm snapped out of my thoughts, "everything between you and Bellamy is going to be just fine. He's like… stupidly in love with you."

A scoff leaves my lips as I run a hand through my hair. "I don't know. Lately, he's been close to Echo and I just can't help but think that something's going on between them," I confess to him, already feeling my eyes pool with tears.

He was about to say something when Clarke walks up to the table, sitting down in front of me. "Penny for your thoughts?" She asks us and I furrow my brows together.

"What's a penny?" Murphy asks, taking a drink from his cup.

"Something from my time," she answers and I become suspicious, leaning back in my chair as I watch the whole interaction.

"Let me guess," Murphy starts, setting his drink down on the round table, "Bellamy convinced you we should leave paradise and take our chances in hell?"

The blonde shakes her head. "Why would I leave my home?" She counters and both Murphy and I look at her confused. "That's it. Fill in the blanks you too."

Oh, no. My eyes widen, figuring out that she's not Clarke as Murphy speaks up. "That's the second time you called me-" he cuts himself off as she glanced back towards the framed photo on the wall. Josephine?

"Okay. Before you freak out and raise your voice I have a question for you two."

"You're not Clarke," the two of us say in unison. Fuck, where's Bellamy.

"To be honest with you… Clarke's dead. My dad killed her and brought me back," she informs us and Murphy springs 7p from his chair as I run my hands through my hair. No, no, no. This is a nightmare. It's gotta be. "My question is… how would you guys like to be immortal too."

Silence fills the room for a few seconds before Murphy pipes up, glancing towards me. "We're listening."

The two of us spent hours on end informing Josephine all about Clarke so she can play the part well, not wanting anyone to figure out that she's dead.

A horrible taste fills my mouth as I don't think this is a good idea, not wanting to be dragged into this but here I am. Murphy fell asleep against the table as Josephine and I were left alone.

"You're not gonna betray me are you?" She asks, tilting her head a bit.

"N-No. Why would you think that?" I question with a stutter, fiddling with my fingers as her eyes looked me up and down.

She shrugs her shoulders, "well, because I can clearly tell you don't wanna be apart of this. But, just so you know… if you betray me in any way, I'm killing your boyfriend," Josephine smirks and I tense up, looking at her with wide eyes. "Understood?"

I nod my head vigorously, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear as our friends began to walk into the bar.

Josephine nudges Murphy. "Hey," she states and Murphy jumps up, "get up. It's showtime."

"Family meeting," Echo mutters as everyone sits down, "where's Bellamy?"

Yeah. Where is Bellamy? I glance towards Josephine as she gives me a look. "Why what's wrong?" The blonde asks.

"We ran into Jordan," Emori answers as she sat beside her man. "Is it true? They're immortal?"

"I'm sure he made it sound worse than it really is," Murphy states.

"They're murderers," Raven reminds us, "and body snatchers. How much worse could it be? We're out of here," she says as she and Echo begin to stand.

Murphy puts his hand out, needing them to trust him. "Slow down. Where are we going to go?"

"Murphy's right. The plan doesn't change," Josephine tells them. "We stay and learn as much from them as we can to build our own compound. Bellamy's out scouting as we speak."

I glance towards the blonde, biting the inside of my cheek as I'm sure she's lying. He wouldn't leave without any of us… "Without me?" Echo asks and I can feel my heart break into two.

"This whole body-snatching thing just really lit a fire. He's out with a foraging party. You guys were still with Ryker-"

"He went alone?" Echo asks, glancing towards me.

"Wait a second. Back up, Clarke. You expect us to continue to play nice?" Raven asks.

Emori sighs, looking towards Murphy. "We do still need Ryker to bend the radiation field."

"No, I'll figure it out myself," Raven mutters.

"Raven, I know this is hard. But we've all done things that we're not proud of to survive," Josephine mentions and I wince a bit.

"I haven't," she growled before sighing. "Fine. I'll try."

"I'll go after her. Make sure she doesn't start a war," Emori mutters and kisses Murphy on the lips before walking out.

"I'm going after Bellamy," Echo states, giving me a glare before walking out as well.

I feel like I'm going to vomit as I stand up, letting out quick deep breaths, feeling both pairs of eyes on me.

"Y/N," Murphy starts and I cut him off.

"Shut up. Don't even try to comfort me right now," I tell him as I pace in front of the table.

"Echo's gonna be a problem," Josephine states. "I'll send Jade to keep an eye on her."

She stands from her chair and Murphy follows real quick. "Back to Bellamy. There is no foraging party is there?"

"Of course there is. There's one every morning. He's just not on it," she tells us. "See, he found out that I wasn't Clarke-"

"Where is he?" I ask, cutting her off, needing to know if he's alright.

"Swear to god if you killed him-"

"I didn't," she cuts Murphy off and she looks over at me, "but I will if I have to."

The two spoke back and forth on how the plan won't work if he already knows Clarke is dead. I control my breathing as she tells us that she'll take us to him. The three of us walk past Jade as Josephine tells her to follow Echo.

"I'm sending in Murphy first," Josephine mentions, her eyes looking towards me. "I'm sure the two of you would rather talk alone than with him."

I nod my head, muttering an okay as the guards strapped his hands together. Murphy began to act as if he was a prisoner, yelling while moving in the guys' arms. I watch as they throw him into the room, my heart pounding against my chest.

"How long have you and Bellamy been together?" The blonde asks me as I lean against the colorful wall.

"Well, if you count being asleep in cryo for 125 years then the answer would be 131 years," I tell her and swallows the lump in my throat.

The girl hums, pacing in front of me as her arms were crossed over her chest. "And just now you guys start having problems? Weird. I can tell he still loves you though, definitely not Echo," she mentions and I stare at the floor, not saying anything. "Oh come on. You don't wanna be friends? Chit chat about boys?"

I look up as she smirks at me. "Sorry, but this is strictly work in my eyes," I inform her with narrowed eyebrows.

"That's a shame. You seem like a wonderful friend. I wonder how everyone would feel once they find out you're working with me," she states and I stand up.

"Stop blackmailing me. I'm already helping aren't I?"

She shrugs her shoulders before her hand grips my throat, pushing me against the wall. I gasp out air, clutching onto her wrist. "I'm just making sure you know the consequences if you cross me."

Josephine chokes me a little more before letting go and I fall to my hands and knees, breathing in big breaths while coughing. By the time I stop Murphy comes back out with the guards.

"Well, it didn't exactly work as planned," he mumbles as the guards take off the restraints.

"Damn. Alright. Send her in, but you can leave the restraints off. He probably already knows about her," Josephine tells the guard and he nods, gripping my arm tightly as we walk towards the door.

I gulp as the sliding doors open, Bellamy standing in the middle of the room, chained to the floor. I walk in, glancing back at the guy as he closes the door, leaving the two of us alone.

"Y/N," Bellamy calls out and my gaze moves back to him, already seeing the tears in his eyes. "Please… please tell me you're not apart of this."

My lip quivers a bit as I take a step closer to him, reaching out to grab his hands. "I'm so sorry," I whisper to him, not daring to look into his eyes. "Murphy brought me into it before I could say anything and then she threatened to kill you if I betray her."

Bellamy lets out a sigh, prying my hands out of his and taking a step back. "Of course he did."

My vision becomes blurry from the tears, on the verge of breaking down and I look up at him to see his eyes already on me. "I'm… I'm so sorry, Bellamy. I-I can't do this. I can't pretend that this is okay. I-I don't know what to do. Tell me what to do," I cry and grip his jacket. "Please."

Tears leave both of our eyes as he brings a hand up, wiping it from my cheeks. "Stay here with me. Tell her the truth," he mutters. His fingers gently glide down my neck and I wince a bit, the skin still sore from being choked prior. His eyebrows furrowed together, moving his gaze down to my neck to see print marks. "DId she do this?"

I nod my head as I can hear the anger in his voice. "Yeah. She's blackmailing me to keep my mouth shut," I inform him and he lets out a sigh.

"I need you to stay here with me," Bellamy states.

"Why me? Why not Echo?" I curiously ask, knowing the two have been close lately. "You seem to be more into her than me at the moment."

Bellamy looks to the floor, releasing his hands from my shoulders. "I'm not into her. I promise you," he mumbles and I shake my head.

"Then why? Why have you been ignoring me and only being around her? I apologized countless times about what happened."

"And I forgave you, Y/N," he tells me. Bellamy was about to continue when the doors slide open, revealing the guard.

"Let's go," he orders and I nod my head slightly.

I look back at Bellamy, his honey brown eyes begging for me to stay. I lean on my toes, pressing a quick kiss to the corner of his mouth before walking out.

Josephine and Murphy stand beside each other as I step up to them. "You're gonna need to put those restraints on me and throw me back into that room," I tell her and she sighs.

"You're no fun," she pouts and motions her head at the guard.

"Y/N, what are you doing?" Murphy asks me and steps forward while the guard restrains my hands.

"I can't do this. I'm sorry, Murphy," I whisper to him before the guard drags me back to the room Bellamy's in.

He roughly throws me in as Bellamy was sat back on the floor. "Hey! Be easy with her," he yells while quickly moving towards me. The guard scoffs and closes the doors once and for all, locking it behind him. "You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," I mumble with a groan.

Bellamy analyzes my face for a few seconds before placing his hands on my face, pressing his lips to mine. "You and Echo became quite close on the ring, so when we fought the other day I went to her for advice," he explains to me after he pulls away.

My heart flutters as my lips stayed apart. "Advice for what?"

"To win you back," he mumbles shyly. I let out a giggle before leaning back in for a kiss. He returns it quickly, missing the way his lips felt against mine.

"You never lost me, Bell. I love you way too much," I tell him and he lets out a breath of relief.

"I love you too. Now… we need to come up with a plan."

Taglist: @writing-in-riverdale @writingsbychlo @imarypayne @cutie-potatox3 @esoltis280 @autumnleeann13 @antichxst @fanfictionistoogood @thebookamongmen

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blackrosesfanfic · 4 years

Text

Chapter 221

Rollie

Lane is fucking bad man. I'm cleaning up a whole gallon of milk because he decided that he knew how to make chocolate milk for him and Royalty, who is fucking 1 and unable to do any fucking thing. I cant deal with this boy. So here my ass is. And he sitting in the dining room with Royalty drinking his milk like he didn't do nothing. He did fucking manage to make their milk.

"Yo." I say answering my phone.

"Rollie?"

I throw the paper towel away. "Drew."

She sighs. "I miss hearing your voice. How are you?"

"I'm good."

"You don't care how I am?"

I roll my eyes. "Naw, not really. Got a lot of shit going on."

"Oh with your sister and her cheating husband?"

"Drew seriously."

She giggles. "Well anyway. If you don't want to talk to me I understand."

I nod taking the phone away from my ear. "Aight."

I hang up. You accept that shit and it always turns into some shit. I look around the kitchen. In the fake world Leah would be standing right there ready to ask a million questions and I would be acting like I'm caught.

"What the hell is this?" Chris snaps.

"Where the hell your kids at?" I retort.

He points outside. "They out there with Jordan."

"Jordan is your babysitter?" I shake my head. "My irresponsible 7 year old who hates babies?"

"I just went to fucking pee." Chris says looking at the milk. "That's milk?"

I throw the paper towel at him. "You finish this shit."

"It was only 3 minutes." Chris says looking out the back door. He opens it. "Jordan? What are you doing? Where are the kids?"

"So I'm not a kid?" Jordan asks.

Chris looks back at me then at her. "The babies. You are a kid. Where are the babies?"

"In the house."

"Alone?"

"There are adults in there." She snaps. "So can I get back in the pool now?"

"I got to clean this up." Chris says sounding defended. "Aye, when is Cammie and Trey coming? What time is it? I thought they were just picking Caden up."

I just stare at him as he rambles without waiting for any type of response. I don't even know shit he talking about. Can't answer his damn questions. Chris cleans it up then goes into the dining room where the kids were. Jordan hits the glass door then waves for me to come to her. No. I'm not watching you in the damn pool. She drops her shoulders. Shay is the name that her mother wanted but her father named her Jordan. But Jordan has stuck around just like Shay. I think more people call her Jordan. I wave at her. That pissed her off. My phone rings.

"Yo."

"Man, why the fuck you make me think I knew how to talk to my wife?" Trey spazzes.

I laugh. "You and Chris suck each other dicks too much. Just alike. What the hell you talking bout?"

"Tried to talk to Cammie and only thing came out of it was her thinking I don't want to be with her."

"But you don't Tremaine. Ain't that what you told me?"

"No." He says unsure. "Did I?"

I chuckle. Motherfucker so insecure. I don't know what my fucking sister does to him. Don't know where his ass is. I don't know when I became his spiritual advisor. I stare at Jordan as she presses her face to the glass.

"Aye, Chris! My fucking baby trying to be patient with your ass."

"Chris!" Lane yells running into the kitchen.

Chris comes into the kitchen from the other direction. "Bruh, find out when your sister coming to get her kid."

Lane was opening the back door. "Shay, open this door!"

"Lane you can do it yourself!" Jordan yells opening the door.

"Rollie?" Chris pleads.

I laugh. "Aye, Trey come save Chris from your son."

Trey blows. "I can't save my fucking self from his mother."

"You had a whole day of silence to rehearse. What the hell were you doing instead?"

"Sleeping." He snaps.

"The damage is real. Tell me the conversation."

He sighs. "I can't."

"Damn you forgot?"

"It's fucking embarrassing."

I shrug. "Well then Trey what can I do?"

"Man, I dont know. Let me call you back."

"Aight."

This nigga is a fucking mess. Lane runs into the house holding his dick. He pauses at the door right after he gets into the house then he start crying. I turn away from him and start laughing. Chris about to fucking shit bricks. I turn back towards Lane.

"What's wrong, nigga?"

"What's wrong, Lane?" Chris asks coming up behind him. "You went to the bathroom?"

I hold my laugh in. "On the floor."

All the emotion leaves Chris' face. He looks down at Lane who is still screaming. Chris leans against the door frame. Sweet Amber comes up asking what happened. She is too good to Chris. She picks Lane up.

"You just not having a good day, baby."

"You talking to Lane or Chris?" I ask.

She kisses Chris' neck then walks out of the kitchen with Lane. Chris just stands there then he goes back outside. I look out of the back door. Jordan was floating on a flower float with shades on and a towel over her body. That is what you were so ready to get in the water to do? Not even play. Just lay there.

Trey

I answer the phone unconsciously. "Hello."

"Hey, Tremaine."

I smile. "Hey, Mama Cammie."

She chuckles just a bit. "I'm waiting on my luggage. Cammie isn't answering her phone. Did she send a car to pick me up? I'm really not too familiar with things in LA. Will it be easy to get a cab?"

"You at the airport?" I ask sitting up in my seat. "Cammie home breastfeeding or something. Maybe pumping. Which airport are you at?"

"Tremaine, I have no clue."

I smile. She is so much of Cammie. I swear. Helpless but bossy. She doesn't have it as bad as Cammie though. Cammie is a bitch. She reads me the ticket information. I'm actually not far away from her.

"I'll be there to get you in a few minutes." I tell her.

"Oh no. Just tell me how to get a cab. Do I call?"

"No, ma'am. I will be there. It's fine. I'm close."

We hang up the phone. I left the house just to not be there with Cammie, my mama, and my aunt who are all giving me looks. I don't think Cammie told them anything. I'm still getting looks. I get out of the car like I'm a normal person.

"Sir you can't park here."

"I'm just walking inside to get my mother." I say pointing. "She right there."

The guy looks behind himself then he looks at me. "Alright then. 5 minutes."

I walk into the building. This was a bad idea. I couldn't see over the crowd of people coming and going. I walk over to the corner of the room near a man with a sign. He waves it in the air then he looks at me.

"You never going to find your person just standing there. You need a sign."

"Yeah, buddy. It ain't that simple."

The guy puts his sign down. He walks to the wall and pick up a big piece of paper and bring it to me.

"Sure it is." He says handing me a market.

"Thanks." I say writing my name on the paper.

The guy looks at me. "Oh you waiting on Trey Songz?"

I stare at him for a few seconds then turn away. "Yeah. Sure."

I cover my face with the sign as someone stares at me. Let's not have any pictures of me standing in the airport with a sign. I chuckle to myself. That would be funny though. Wouldn't be funny running from the crowd of people that follow me.

"Tremaine."

"Mama Cammie." I say taking the sign away from my face.

She looks around. "I think those people are waiting for Trey Songz to come to his driver. Maybe you should leave that on your face."

I chuckle and start walking. "I didn't know you were coming to town."

"I talked to Cammie about it. Should I have told you? I don't want to be invasive."

"It's just that she didn't tell me. You welcome anytime."

We walk out of the airport followed by the crowd of people that Gwen was talking about. I'm sure that they have figured out by now that it is me. They were behaving well and just following me. That's all good. We get into the car without being bothered. I'm honestly not ready to go home.

"I was going by Chris' Beach rental he has to see Lane. Do you want to do that?"

"Oh yes that's fine."

We drive for a good bit in silence. It was very peaceful. Almost like she wasn't there. She had her face almost glued to the glass. I change my mind again about going to Lane and I drive around the city so she can see different sights. I didn't tell her that's what I was doing. We really just stayed silent.

"So Mama." I say looking at her. "You just came to LA to visit?"

"I want to be in my grandkids life without always taking them from home. You know?"

I nod. "Yeah."

"I figured it would be good for me and Jayla to... I don't know. That might be a stretch. What do you think?"

"Me?"

"She must tell you stuff." She says looking at me hopeful.

"She really doesn't. I mean she tells me stuff. But I don't understand her reason."

Gwen sighs deeply. "You know it's hard as a parent without having so much against you. I really loved her father. I wish they could remember that. I'm not a bad person for trying to fill a really big hole in my life. That was my first love."

"She might not understand that."

"I can't say I would have went back and changed anything because my kids would lose out on time with their father."

I glance over at her. "How is that?"

"They spent so much time with him."

"I mean. Why weren't yall together?"

She looks at me. "Just like you travel he traveled."

"I thought her father was just a local artist. Not traveling around the US."

"I see she doesn't talk about anything. I just want to say that I tried my best after he father died. I went from raising my kids with a great father to being by myself. Both of them seemed to forget everything. It became my fault that my son wanted to be a thug instead of a straight A student like he was."

I chuckle. "Rollie made straight A?"

"He was a grade level ahead of his class and he was still the top of his class."

"Rollie?"

She sighs. "Yes, Rollie. He changed completely. He went from being picked at to picked out of the crowd. He was a big fluffy bear. They turned my baby into a mean gangsta." She chuckles. "He still is my soft teddy bear. No matter how small he is."

"And Cammie? What happened with you and her?"

She sighs. "College. I don't know."

"Just college?"

Damn. The girl never told her fucking mother what happened. Gotdamn Cammie. I'm not going to be the one to fucking tell her. But Cammie is going to tell her with my help. Damn I'm already in the fucking hole.

"My children were spoiled by their father. He gave them whatever they wanted. I mean whatever. They would miss school for weeks at a time. My grandfather was the superintendent at the time so everyone in the school knew my family. They would send the kids school work with them. Her father spend a lot of his time in Atlanta and New York. They were rarely home with just me. And when they were they behaved so that they could go out of town when time came."

"Cammie don't talk about her childhood. I learned a lot just now. Do I know my wife?"

Gwen smiles softly touching my shoulder. "In ways that matter. She has grown so much since she had Lane."

"I need some growing, Mama Cammie."

"You need to get your priorities straight. God. Family. Everything else."

I nod. "But taking care of my family is done with that everything else."

"Girls, parties, sex, and drugs?"

"No ma'am. Money, work..."

She puts her hand up between our faces. "Don't even preach that to me. You could work as a manager at a Walmart and take care of your family. This is your dream. This is the life you want. It's not what God gave you and it's not doing nothing for your family."

"I mean..."

"It's not doing nothing for them." She repeats. "And it has no place in your marriage."

"So you saying I should stop music?"

She smirks and puts her phone down. "If you don't know how to grow up and put those childish things to the side."

"So Cammie's father did?"

"Nope." She says looking at herself in the mirror. "Got into a car with a drunk woman who ended his life and his unborn child."

I sit up in my seat then look at her really quick. "Say what? You kidding me?"

"Of course their father was nothing but a Saint to them. I know you haven't heard that."

"You was sitting here talking about how much in love you were."

She sits back then she looks at me. "Never said I didn't have growing to do. I sure did stop acting a fool and go back home to my parents. Married the man my father wanted me to marry and the rest is history."

"I don't see where you and your kids relationship went wrong."

"When I told my son that I would not watch him kill himself like his father did. When I told my daughter that she was headed straight for a life of regret and shame. Running after that football player and all his glory. I stopped feeding my children with a silver spoon and they rebelled. I became the worst mother in the world. But I don't regret it because they weren't doing nothing with themselves living under me."

I glance at her. "So you think Cammie shouldn't have married me?"

She smiles. "I like you Trey Songz." She touches my shoulder. "Better you grow up now while she still tolerates you. I think that boy broke her heart and she never wanted me to know. But I would never tell her I told you so. Like I said. Lane made her grow up. Maybe it was you. Well it has to be you. Lane wouldn't be here if it weren't you."

"Sometimes I think I'm not good enough for her."

"Cause you aren't." She snaps looking at me sideways. "But that doesn't mean you aren't capable of being what and who she needs. Your worth is not what makes you undeserving of her. It is your reputation. Your Mr. Steal a Girl."

I laugh. "Did you recently learn that?"

"I listened to a song or two of yours."

"You think outside of my fame persona..."

"Outside of Trey Songz."

I nod. "Only that part of me deserves Cammie?"

"Are you looking for some answer?"

"I just like what you said. It would be nice to hear it again."

She makes her eyes big. "Go hear it from your wife."

"But she is mad at me."

"Okay, she is mad at you. Did she stop loving you?"

I nod my head. "Okay. Let's go by the house then go to the beach with Lane."

"Where is Caden? At the house?"

"Yes."

She nods her head while smiling. "Okay."

I nod. "Good."

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simonxriley · 5 years

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Combat Boots And Tiaras 4/5

Pairing: Shuhrat “Fuze” kessikbayev x Skylar “Phoenix” Jackson

Summary: Fuze has never been good with relationships, his gruff demeanor and curt speech seed to that. But when they push away someone he truly cares for, he’ll do anything to get her back.

Words: 3,813

Warnings: None.

A/N: We’re almost at the end, which is surprising considering I can’t seem to finish anything :/. I’ll get around to the other stuff eventually. So I decided to add something from his new bio to this because I needed a reason for why he’s acting the way he is. I hope you enjoy!

Russian: Yerunda = Nonsense/Bullshit.

chapter 1 - chapter 2 - chapter 3 - Ao3 - FFN

The next morning Skylar woke up feeling like crap and had a headache to boot. And since Ash already knew she was pregnant she got to get out of training. Though that might make Thermite, Pulse and Castle a little curious, she wonders what lie she told them. For now she was resting in her bed.

With nothing to do and a lot on her mind, she just wanted to talk with her mom, so she grabbed her phone and dialed her number. It only rang a few times before she answered.

“Hi sweetie, I wasn’t expecting to hear from you.”

“Hi. I I just needed to hear your voice, that’s all.” She wiped the tears that welled in her eyes and moved the bag of crackers to her nightstand.

“Skylar what’s wrong?”

She took a deep breath, trying to ease her crazy nerves. “Mom, I’m pregnant.”

She wasn’t sure how her mom would take it, she never mentioned Fuze to her parents’ or sisters’ and now she had to tell her everything. But maybe it would help, maybe she could get some life changing advice from the person who brought her into this world. Maybe her mom can push her in the right direction.

“What do you want to do?”

“I already know that I’m keeping this child, I just don’t know if I can work and be a single mother.”

Her heart broke saying that, ever since she was a little girl she thought she would be married before children happened. That wasn’t the case for her, and she for sure didn’t think she would be in the military if she ever had an unplanned pregnancy.

“What about the father?”

“I should start at the beginning.” She took another deep breath and sat up straighter. “Six months ago I went on this mission that ended up beginning very treacherous, once I got back to base my friend Shuhrat, he’s the father and I decided to blow off a lot of steam by sleeping together. I thought it was only going to be that one time, but we kept going back to each other and eventually settled on a causal relationship. It was nice, even when the relationship was just based on sex we still got close and I learned a lot about him and him with me. Then I got meningitis and the antibiotics I was on tampered with my birth control and one time the condom broke. Now you’re going to be a grandmother.” She laughed, but it didn’t hold any joy, just sadness. “I’ve had really bad morning sickness and I went on this mission recently, Shuhrat was one of the other operators who went too. I shouldn’t have gone on it, I was stupid.”

“Skylar you are not stupid, don’t say such things about yourself.”

“But I am, my friend took a bullet to the shoulder for me because my nausea got so bad and I didn’t see the terrorist. I shouldn’t have been on it, anyways. After the mission Shuhrat tried to force me to see Doc and that’s when I told him. And that’s when he accused me of cheating and said he doesn’t want the child.”

Skylar still hopes Fuze will have a change of heart and wants to be apart of his child’s life, there was still time for him to have one too, she was months away from her due date. Yet she knows, deep down maybe Tachanka’s suggestion might be the best option, to give up that hope she has about Fuze and raise her child with Tachanka’s help. But she doesn’t need to get too far ahead of herself, she still needed to talk with Ash.

“Do you want me to bake your friend some cookies? Why would Shuhrat think you cheated on him? You would never cheat on anyone, no matter what the relationship was based on.”

“Yes please, I think Timur would like that.” She chuckled. “I don’t know, I think he’s scared because he was very adamant on making this child Timur’s. He was the one Shuhrat accused me of cheating on him with. I understand why he is, I am too in a way but he’s very stubborn and I don’t want his stubbornness to get in the way of him having a good relationship with his child.”

“Okay, I’ll ship them out in a few days! Stubborn as in, he won’t apologize for what he did or said?”

“Thank you! And yes. Shuhrat’s a good man, but he’s closed off, maybe a little too much. It took awhile to get him to open up about personal matters.” She closed her eyes and sighed. “Before the mission he took me aside and told me he was afraid of losing me, yet he’s trying to push me away now. I don’t understand.”

She opened her eyes and wiped them with the back of her hand.

“You’re welcome! If he is scared Skylar that might push him away for a while, maybe even after the child is born. What do you want to do?”

“Since I am keeping this child, I’ll talk to Ash first, it only seems fair because we share a room and adding an infant can change things. After that I don’t know, I love this job and don’t want to leave it, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to balance work and motherhood.” She scrubbed a hand down her face and chuckled. “Remember when you and dad visited the base a while back and met Alex? Well he found me outside last night crying and I told him everything. He said he doesn’t want me to leave and that he’ll help with the baby. He even said if worse comes to worse we could move in together. I really appreciate how much he wants to help me, I just don’t want to feel like a burden to him, he has his own kids to worry about.”

Skylar brought her knees up to her chest and hugged them with her free arm. She was always good at coming up with plans for problems that arise in her life, this time, she found it hard. It’s not just about her, it’s also about her future child, what would be best for them, and not just her. This job could give the child the life Skylar hopes to give them, but it can also take her away in a blink of an eye. The only bright side she can see is that Six can be flexible and as long as Skylar gets a heads up before a mission to find a babysitter, than she should be fine.

“This child is going to change a lot for you, and I don’t think you should give up a job you love, you might regret that in the future.” She heard her mom laugh on the other end, that made her smile. “Alex, how could I forget about Alex! He had a lot of nice things to say about you when we were there, he cares about you Skylar, maybe even loves you. I don’t think you’ll ever be a burden to him. If you guys do move in together it’ll be as friends, that’s all, no need to get worked up over that. Unless you’re worried about the thought that maybe you two will become more than friends?”

“So you think I should stay?” She let go of her legs and stretched them out. “That thought has crossed my mind. It’s because deep down I’ve always liked him more than a friend and if we live together who knows what could happen. But I still like Shuhrat.”

She let out a groan and laid down, fixing the pillow behind her head. Last night she confessed liking Tachanka to Glaz and now her mother, as long as Tachanka himself doesn’t find out she’ll be fine. Who knows what would have happened if he did, would he confess and they figure things out from there? Or would he not for her sake? So many questions that could be answered, but she’d rather not go down that road right now.

“I do, I think you should stay. You love this job Skylar, you’ve made lifelong friends since you’ve been there and a lot of people would miss you if you left. You can always move out on your own or maybe see if there’s a room left where you won’t have a roommate, either way I’m sure you will get help from Alex no matter what. Go with your heart Sky, that’s the best you can do right now.”

“Okay I’ll stay, but I don’t think I’ll be moving out on my own anytime soon. Hopefully there is a single room left available, I don’t exactly want to leave base either, it’ll be so much easier to just get the child dressed and then head down to training, without the hassle of getting them in the car. I did accept Alex’s help, so I know I’ll be getting it, probably from now until...forever.” She chuckled. “What if my heart wants both? You know what I’m not gonna think about that I’m just gonna focus on this child.”

Skylar pinched the bridge of her nose and shook her head. Liking two different people at the same time was tough, especially considering she’s pregnant with one of the guys kids. Instead of worrying about the men she likes, she’ll put her full focus on the baby, where it should be.

“You know your father and I will be there for the birth and to help you in the beginning. Just keep me informed through the pregnancy, okay?”

“I will, don’t worry. My due date is around Christmas and I would like you and dad here by the beginning of December or late November, just in case I and Doc were wrong with the estimation.”

“Of course! Now why don’t you get more rest and call me tomorrow? I love you!”

“I will and I love you too!”

She hung up the phone just in time for Ash to walk through the door. She looked a little ticked off by something. “You alright?”

Ash sat down on her bed with a huff, then looked over at her. “Yeah, just Jordan being a pain in the ass again. However the boys did miss you.”

“I had a feeling it was him, and they’re just gonna have to miss me for a while. I’m keeping the baby.”

“You are?” Her brown eyes lit up a bit, and a small smile formed on her face. “Does Shuhrat know?”

Skylar sat up again and sighed. “Yes. And it didn’t go well, first he accused me of cheating on him with Glaz and then said he didn’t want the child.”

“Shit. I thought he would be different, I’m sorry Skylar.”

“It’s not your fault. Last night I did have an interesting conversation with Tachanka.”

As took off her boots, setting them aside, then laughed. “What was it about?”

“He found me outside crying last night, so I told him what was going on and he offered me his help, which I accepted because we both know when it comes to me ‘no’ is not an answer he likes, he was very adamant on helping me. He also said if worse comes to worse we can move in together. I told him I wanted to talk to you first since we share a room and a baby is gonna change a lot around here. I’m staying.”

“I knew he had a crush on you before but that takes the cake. That was sweet of him though. I’m happy you’re staying, I don’t want to deal with the boys by myself again.” She chuckled. “I don’t care if we have the baby in our room, are you sure though? I guess it would help with getting the child used to a lot of noises and people.”

“I was more worried about you, especially when colic and teething happens and we have a cranky baby on our hands crying through the night. I guess if that happens I can just go bug Tachanka since he did say he would help.”

Skylar laughed at the thought of her going to his room in the middle of the night with a fussy infant, that was not how she’d pictured her life in the next year. Or she could just walk around the base and hope the child will calm down, both were good options. But she would be lying if she said she didn’t want to see a disheveled Tachanka when he first wakes up.

“I won’t mind, I’m a heavy sleeper anyways, you know that.” She stood up and stretched. “Now I’m gonna take a shower and then get some lunch. Do you feel like eating?” “Sure. Plus I think it’s time to get out of bed, my legs are starting to cramp.”

“Okay, I shouldn’t be more than forty-five minutes.”

xXx

Sleep was a foreign thing to Fuze last night, all he could think about was that child. The child he never expected to have. Fatherhood just wasn’t something he wanted, yet he could never force Skylar to get an abortion, so he did what he does best. Push people away, even when deep down he knows it’s wrong. Skylar’s strong, she’ll be able to do it on her own, but could he truly abandon his own kid?

To make matters worse, training went horribly. His mind was stuck on his future child than it was on training, and it didn’t help that he was sparring with no-nonsense Kapkan and he ended up getting hit in the temple with one of the sparring sticks. Fuze is usually focused and ready, this time his mind was on other things and it didn’t take long for Kapkan to figure that out. He was also getting glares from Tachanka which didn’t help and he couldn’t help but wonder why. But deep down he probably already knew.

Once training was over Kapkan headed for the showers while Tachanka lingered in the room a bit longer, giving him the perfect opportunity to ask him. When he walked over to him, Tachanka was sitting on a bench with his phone in his hand.

“Did I do something wrong?”

Tachanka looked up at him, his face neutral. “Skylar.”

Fuze felt like the wind was knocked out of him, if Tachanka knew everything that happened yesterday than Kapkan was soon to follow and since he accused Skylar of cheating on him with Glaz, he was starting to lose friends fast.

“What about her?”

He put his phone back into his pocket and leaned back, crossing his arms. “Let me see. First you accused her of cheating on you and then you said you didn’t want the child. Do you have any idea how broken she was last night?”

“My personal life is none of your business.” Fuze clenched his hand, trying to calm his raging anger.

“No, it’s not. However Skylar feels comfortable enough to tell me hers.” He stood up, standing directly next to him. “I don’t care if you don’t want the child, but tell her that because she already has hope you’ll have a change of heart and I don’t want her hurt anymore than she already is.”

Tachanka walked away after that, leaving Fuze in the training gym.

xXx

After a long hot shower Fuze was back in his room getting ready for the rest of the day. Since he wasn’t keen on locking himself in his room all day he decided to go into the workshop and work on his Matryoshka, at least he knew Glaz, Skylar nor Tachanka wouldn’t go in there.

As he put on a clean pair of Gorka pants he caught a glimpse of a piece of clothing under his bed. He leaned and picked it up to see it belonged to Skylar. He sat back down on his bed with a sigh and looked down at the piece of clothing in his hands. Tears started to well in his eyes as he thought back on the last six months, and how happy he was.

Fuze knows how he is, how closed off he can be and how when things go wrong, he’ll push people away. He didn’t want to push Skylar away nor his child, he was just...scared. Scared that he would make a horrible father, scared that Skylar might not want him in the future and scared about the thought of settling down.

That’s why he ended his engagement years ago saying ‘it wasn’t the road to take’, he didn’t like the thought of leaving his significant other a widow or heaven forbid his children fatherless. Now that Skylar was indeed having his child, those fears resurfaced. What if Skylar wants to settle down in the future? Or what if he doesn’t make it back from a mission? That leaves her alone to raise their child.

And now he accused her of cheating on him with his closest friend and said he didn’t want the baby. Possibly losing them for good, all because of his stupidity.

He wiped the tears from his eyes and looked over to his right, seeing both pillows laying neatly side by side. It was only a week ago where Skylar was lying down next to him post-coitus checking her phone, like she always did. And every time he would turn on his side and watch her, seeing the gleam of sweat on her body and how her chestnut brown hair was disheveled. Then she would look over at him with a smile on her face and give him a chaste kiss before snuggling into his arms. He enjoyed those nights and now they might be gone forever.

No, not this time, this time he’ll make things right, he’ll apologize. He owes it to Skylar, to Glaz and most importantly his unborn child.

xXx

Lunch with Ash could have gone better, if it wasn’t for the smell of meat she would have stayed in the mess hall a bit longer. Now she was back in her room resting, she really hopes it won’t be this way through her whole pregnancy. It made her feel closed off from everyone.

To pass some time she decided to work on finishing up her next drawing which happens to be Thermite hanging from a streetlight via his red backpack he carries on missions. She always wondered if he would get stuck on something if they ever had to parachute out of an airplane since he only used one strap.

She leaned over, going into one of the drawers to grab her journal and colored pencils. And just as she sat back up there was a knock at the door.

“Come in.” She wasn’t about to get up and answer it, figuring it was easier to just let whoever it was walk in.

As the door opened she saw Tachanka walk in with a bag in his hand. He gave her a small smile and sat down next to her on her bed. “I got you some things when I went into town.”

Skylar set her journal and colored pencils aside and took the bag. “You didn’t have to, but I appreciate it, so thank you!”

“You’re welcome! And I thought you could use some company.”

“That too!” She chuckled. She opened the bag to pull out a box of saltine crackers, then hugged them. “Okay, seriously thank you for these, I’m sure I’m going to be living off of these forever.” Tachanka laughed, as she set the box of crackers aside and went back into the bag. The next thing she pulled out was a book, as she read the cover he saw a smile spread across her face and then she laughed. “The shit no one tells you about pregnancy: A guide to surviving pregnancy, childbirth and beyond.” She looked up at him, her eyes softening. “Thank you Alex, this book is definitely gonna come in handy.”

“You’re welcome Sky! I hoped it would help your curiosity and any worries you might have.”

“It does, and I love the title. At least you didn’t get me that really common one, ‘what to expect when expecting’ that’s pretty outdated anyways.”

“Cliche too!” He chuckled and grabbed the bag, pulling out two of her favorite candy bars. “And don’t forget these.”

She took them from her hand and smiled. “If you’re trying to bribe me to stay, you don’t need too. I’m staying.”

“You are?” He crumpled the plastic bag in his hands, tossing it into the trash. “Good, I’m happy about that!”

“I knew you would be and Ash is fine with the baby staying in our room so it doesn’t look like we’ll have to move anytime soon.” She gave him a small smile as she watched his face softened.

“We?”

Skylar nodded. “Yes, we. The real reason why I was so unsure at first was, I didn’t want to feel like a burden. You have so much on your plate already, I didn’t want to add to it.”

“Skylar, you will never be a burden to me, ever. Don’t take my help for pity either, I’m doing this because I care. I care about you and I care about that child!” He grabbed her hand, giving it a small squeeze.

She looked up at him with a smile gracing her face and eyes glistening. “I know that, even my mom does. I called her this morning and told her everything, including our conversation last night.”

“What’d she say?”

“She said that I should stay because I love this job and have made lifelong friends here. And she said I would never be a burden to you because you care about me too much.” “She’s right, on both accounts!” He let go of her hand, and placed it in his lap, then sighed. “Ever since you got here, there was something about you that always made me gravitate towards you.”

“I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel the same.” She set the book next to the crackers and candy bars, then placed her hands in her lap. “There’s something about you that makes me feel calm, and I feel like I can tell you anything. I like knowing I have someone, besides Ash that I can go to with whatever problem I have or just to rant and ramble.”

Before Tachanka could say anything there was another knock at the door. Skylar rolled her eyes as he got up to answer it. When he opened the door, her face faltered, seeing Fuze standing at her door with a small bouquet of flowers. He glanced between them, then settled on her.

“Skylar can we talk please?”

#otp the fuze and the phoenix #fuze x skylar #shuhrat kessikbayev #fuze #r6s fuze #oc skylar jackson #rainbow six siege #r6s

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keeloves · 5 years

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MY Top 10 Worst Male Characters

Keep in mind this just my personal opinion! I would love to hear your thoughts but please keep them civil and respectful. Kicking off the list at number 10

10 Jake Salt (Famous in Love)

Don’t get me wrong he is super cute/hot but ugh he freaking irks me! First of all he treats girls like crap, he is emotionally needy and as Paige put “Nothing is ever his fault” He slept with Lexi to try and get his script published into a movie. He slept with her for several days and when once he realized that wasn’t happening he got pissed off blamed her and then he ghosted Lexi. Yeah, I know what an asshole. He confesses his “love” for Paige at a press conference right after Rainer had a severe melt down. Then once he gets with Paige he treats her like crap and is emotionally abusive. He doesn’t move into the house she bought, he didn’t stick up for her when she said no to shots but instead helped pressured her into doing shots of tequila and she ended up getting so drunk that she ended up missing her screen test and he didn’t defend her when she was being ripped to shreds by a producer guy. Skip to like 5:28 and watch until 7:16. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NYMVnvjcfpY&t=7s This video was made by my dear friend @disneyfanforever3 This clip pretty much sums up why I can’t stand Jake. I am so happy Paige called him out on his bullshit.

9. Sinbad (Sinbad from Legends of the Seven Seas)

First of all he doesn’t deserve to have this movie named after him because he is a terrible protagonist. He speaks disrespectfully to women, and just ugh! He is okay letting his friend Proteus die for a crime he did not commit and and Sinbad would run off to Fiji fully knowing his friend Proteus that he has known since CHILDHOOD would be dead as long as he can run off to Fiji. Proteus said to Sinbad while taking his place “I know you would do the same for me” and Sinbad’s reply is “No I wouldn’t” like ugh dude you aren’t that loyal! So Marina is the real hero of the movie. In fact I go a little more into detail on why I hate Sinbad. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fhD6mbhLJpY&lc=z23iz1vpsv3kyla3xacdp430q55un5sqk3m3zmlonvhw03c010c

8.Oliver Queen (Arrow)

I have ranted on him several times so I will try to keep this brief! He is a womanizing manwhore. He serial cheated on his girlfriend Laurel with basically every woman including her sister Sara. He did nothing to make the situation better. This pic I used of him is him flirting with Sara at the Lance family dinner and this is the moment where I wanted to punch him in the face! Ugh god he is the worst. He cheated so much that he fathered a child. He abandon Thea after she got out of the Lazurus pit all so he could play house with Felicity and he constantly goes back and forth on his no kill rule. Oh and this Oliver is a knock off version of Bruce Wayne and he is a complete 180 of who he should be.

7. Mon El (Supergirl)

I hate Mon El so much! He lied to Kara about who he was on Daxam yes I know Kara was judgmental at first but Mon El just planned to keep her in the dark the entire time of their relationship. He owned slaves and did nothing to correct the issue he just chose to stay with Kara. He called Kara his kryptonite which is something that can kill her literally so bleh! He disrespected Kara at every moment she tried to help him. He beat up another Aileen for money and he is so selfish. In fact how here is Kara chewing out Mon El’s ass out! Its very satisfying like “Paige Townsen Nothing’s ever your fault speech to Jake.” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xnHZInGzQ4w

6. Moses Puloki Dance Teacher (Lilo and Stitch)

A while back I made a list of my most annoying cartoon characters and he is number one on the most annoying cartoon characters list. I put him on this list because he is an adult who lets Mrytle get away with bullying Lilo. He sees it happening before his very eyes and he does nothing to stop it and instead it always Lilo’s fault. He never asks for Lilo’s side of the story and he just assumes Lilo is at fault when she beats up Mrytle. At least that is how it feels. I have never once seen him say anything to Mrytle or her possy that follow her around. To me he is my least favorite character from Lilo and Stitch and it makes me wonder why he is a teacher in the first place.

5. Thomas Humprey aka Humps (Orange is the New Black

He is an abliest piece of shit. He caused a fight all for a stupid bet. He gas lit Suzanne Warren aka Crazy Eyes and she said repeatitly she didn’t want to fight. The other gaurds are terrible because they went along with is bullshit and because of him this Suzanne beat the hell out of this other woman who also appeared to be mentally unstable because the other woman was insulting Suzanne. Suzanne beat up this other woman so much that this girl was bleeding and her face was bruised up. Two other inmates had to get Suzanne off of this other inmate. Yet all Humps did was laugh and said “Well I just made $20 bucks” Suzanne is left to cry and feel ashamed for something he started! He is so terrible he makes Pornstache look like a saint.

4. Pablo Money (Famous in Love)

He is emotionally and phyically abusive He stole Jordan’s IPad and accused Tangey of cheating. He treats Tangey like an object to be had and he kicked the door of the room where Tangey was hiding. He is possessive,manipulative and ugh! I also put him on the list because he treats my favorite character on the show like shit.

3. Every Itteration of Harrison Wells (The Flash)

I have gone on ar ant about why I hate this character so I will kep this brief as I can. The only Wells I will put up with are The original Earth 1 Wells Eowells (Season1) and Harry Wells. This character is boring, he is played out and he is just there to take up space and be a boring whtie character that Cisco has to play glorified baby sitter too. EoWells is terrible because he killed Barry’s mom, he killed Cisco and when Cisco remembers EoWells laughs in his face. Harry is awful, he faked an illness to guilt Wally into not moving in with Jesse knowing full Well that is how Francine West (Wally and Iris’s mother) died. He chokes Cisco, he also breaks Cisco’s things and never offers to fix them and he is just an ass wipe. The rest of the Wells are annoying because we don’t need anymore Wells and Sherloque Wells has annoying accent.

2. Ezra Fitz (Pretty Little Liars)

I have also ranted on him a lot as well so bare with me. He stalked teenage girls, he got with Aria knowing full well she was going to be his student and knowing she was underage. He framed Spencer for something she didn’t do and because she was on to him. He stole her files and gave it to Aria which by the way is illegal to do. Then again what does this man care about what law he breaks he is all ready guilty of statutory rape, stalking and violating privacy. He hooked up with Alison and he should have gone to prison but instead he gets to live happily ever after with Aria. He ends up marrying Aria. Yeap that’s right folks he married the girl he groomed and stalked and manipulated. He even trapped her on a Ferris wheel.

1. Damon Salvotore (The Vampier

Ugh just thinking about him makes nauseated. He is abusive, manipulative and he ruined hi brother’s life and stole his girl and he is part of the reason why I have a hard time getting into the show. Damon is a serial rapist and serial killer. He raped Caroline, fed off of her and terrified her. He kills people Elena cares about just because she isn’t giving him what he wants. Man if Damon wants something he better get it now or else. I bet he is terrible in bed because three girls have bragged about how good Stephan is in bed and Damon only brags about himself. I say he is terrible because if he wasn’t he wouldn’t have to compel girls to sleep with him. He killed a pregnant woman this means he also killed a baby. He has no remorse for any of these things and he just relies on Elena to change him. The only time I can deal with him is when he is around Bonnie! Ugh I hate this character! He needs to trade places with Stephan and now the fact that Delena have kids together make me want to throw up my insides because it makes my skin crawl knowing Damon would father a child. Plus I think Ian Somerholder though he seems nice is not all that great of an actor.

#top 10 list #worst male characters #anti jake salt #anti sinbad #anti arrow oliver queen

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bgmxbbj · 6 years

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7 Ways to Spend First Year with Your Baby

A week or so after I had my first baby, my friend Susan stopped by -- just in the nick of time: Will had been crying for what felt like hours and nothing I did helped. Susan, who'd just had her second daughter, calmly scooped up my inconsolable newborn and did a sort of combo side-to-side swaying and up-and-down jostling that magically lulled him out of Waa-Waa Land.

I've had three kids since then, and Susan's "mommy jig" has been a lifesaver with every one of them. But I never would have known it if I hadn't let her help me out -- and that's exactly why she, and I, and other moms who've been there want you to remember these seven rules:

1. Asking for help does not make you incompetent.

Precisely the opposite, in fact. Sometimes, there's no other way to get from point A to point B. Even if there is, getting there alone can take twice as long and make you crazy.

Kim Ganier of Huntington Beach, California, was always a self-sufficient person -- until her first baby, Laci (now 3), was a week old and Ganier found herself doing laundry while "someone else was sitting in my glider and cuddling my baby. The lightbulb went on," she says. After that, visitors were put to work so Ganier could enjoy Laci. Her advice now: Speak up, be specific about what you need, and say yes when offered help of any kind. "You'll feel guilty at first, but you'll get over it," she says.

It'll be easier if you remember that someday you will reciprocate -- if not to the particular mom who helped you out, then to another. Several months ago, I was having dinner out with my kids when the mom at the next table asked if I had an extra diaper. I happily handed one over. Sure enough, not long after that, I discovered I'd forgotten to bring a clean swim diaper to the pool and had to go begging from lounge chair to lounge chair for a spare. A better-prepared mom than I saved the day.

So never let guilt or embarrassment or even your ego get in the way of accepting help. Improvising a diaper is a lot harder than returning a favor.

2. Babies don't need as much new stuff as you think.

They seem to outgrow everything from stretchies to bassinets overnight, so why stock up? "I wish someone had told me not to buy cutesy, expensive clothes for my newborn," says Kristine Shuler, mom of 3-year-old Kaylee in Baroda, Michigan. "Little did I know she would spend most of the time in T-shirts from Target. She didn't wear half the clothes I bought!"

There are two lessons here: First, take your time when deciding what you'll really need. Do a little research, make a list, and stick with it. book is a great resource for teasing out what to buy and what to skip, by the way.) Second, as tempting as it is to buy everything fresh and new and adorable for your first baby -- resist. Some items, like swings and bouncy seats, are used for such short periods of time that they never see much wear and tear. Can you borrow from a friend? If not, check out

Marilyn Sklar swears by a children's resale store in her town. "When my daughter, Raquel, was born, I started buying gently used clothes from there. Later, I brought in some of Raquel's clothing and took an in-store credit to purchase more," says the mom of two in Phoenix. "Now I recycle that way whenever possible. We're saving money and being green!"

3. Getting a baby to sleep is worth the trouble.

This is a matter of basic maternal math: baby zzz's = mommy zzz's. Veteran moms will tell you that figuring out, early on, how to get your baby to go to sleep, stay asleep, and take regular naps is key to getting through that entire first year. "Being sleep-deprived is a fact of life, but the sooner you get sleep figured out, the better," says Michelle Wilkins, a mom of three in Blacksburg, Virginia.

For Theresa Cole, mom of Ethan, 5, and Jordan, 1, in Kansas City, Missouri, the trick is to get your newborn used to falling asleep on his own: "Think twice about feeding your baby to put him to sleep. He's a clean slate, waiting to learn how to do things. If you teach him he can only drift off with a boob or bottle in his mouth, that's the only way he will -- even at two in the morning. And, seriously, who wants to deal with that every night for the next couple of years?"Follow more to check african congo mask

I'm a firm believer in consistency. When my third baby was 9 months old and not taking decent naps during the day, I came up with some new routines. I stopped letting him catnap in the car while I ran errands, and planned outings around his naptime, to make sure he could go down in his crib. I also turned his room into a sleep haven (blackout shades, white-noise machine). Pretty soon he was napping twice a day, and snoozing better at night, too. To keep daytime noise to a minimum, Jamie Pearson, mom of Avery, 7, and Max, 5, in Palo Alto, California, adds this tip: "Make a diplomatic front-door sign that says, 'Baby napping. Please visit us another time.' "

4. Competitive parenting: not cool.

Of course you already know that babies develop at their own pace. And of course you know there's more to your baby than when he hits milestones. But when it seems like every kid in the playgroup except yours is sitting up or saying "Mama," it can take all your willpower to act like you just don't care.

It's totally understandable to compare. But for the sake of your sanity, it's worth trying to stop. "I made the conscious decision to believe the experts who said that the spectrum of normalcy was wide," says Susie Sonneborn Blim, a mom of three in Montclair, New Jersey. "I also stopped hanging out with moms who were constantly boasting about or obsessing over their babies' milestones, because that played a huge part in how caught up I got with comparing my baby to other babies."

Pearson had a similar tactic: "When Avery wasn't the first -- or second, or third -- baby in my mothers' group to crawl, I told myself that the impatient, intense, irritable babies were always the early crawlers and walkers," she says. "I kept these theories to myself, of course!" If you're truly worried that your baby is falling behind, bring it up with your pediatrician. She should be your go-to expert when it comes to your child's health and development -- not the bragging, pitying other moms.

5. You and your baby don't have to be joined at the hip.

Experts say: Being touched, held, carried, and cuddled is vital to a baby's development. Moms answer back: There's nothing more delicious than touching, holding, carrying, and cuddling a baby -- to a point. When it's clear that you and/or your baby need a break from each other, take it. This is especially true when your infant's wailing or your pre-toddler's whining is about to push you over the edge. Hand her to Daddy or send out an SOS to a friend or relative.

If there's no one you can call on for help, take a tip from Christine Klepacz, a mom of two in Bethesda, Maryland. "When your baby is crying and you could burst into tears yourself, or when you're just overwhelmed, it's okay to put her in her crib for a while and sit by yourself. She's safe, and sometimes she needs time away from you, too. It's okay. We all do it!"

It's equally important to carve out time for yourself regularly -- not just when you're about to go off the deep end. If there's one thing Jennifer Geddes, a Parenting staffer and mom of two girls, learned during the first year, it's that "you have to take a few minutes for yourself here and there. It's essential to being a happy and healthy mom. I was so concerned with attending to my daughter's needs that I neglected my own. I barely ate, slept, or left the house," she says.

If you're thinking, "Yeah, right -- I can barely get a shower," wait: It's doable. You just have to plan ahead, be creative, and adjust your definition of what constitutes a relaxing break. Where, prebaby, you were used to spur-of-the-moment shopping sprees or on- a-whim workouts, you might find, like Marilyn Sklar, that your idea of a good time now is "a glass of wine and a good book after the children are in bed." Or a brisk walk in the morning before they get up. Me, I swear by weekend matinees. I can get a lot of regenerative mileage out of two hours by myself in a cozy, dark theater with a bag of popcorn, lost in a great story onscreen.

6. The best baby stage is the one you're in.

"They grow up so fast." The reason you'll hear this from everyone and her grandmother: It's true. Kim Lavergne of Nashville, mom of 2-year-old Justin, remembers feeling like time was crawling after he was born. "In reality, the days go by so fast that the next thing you know, your child is no longer a baby," she says. "I've learned to cherish and enjoy the time I spend with Justin."

Charlene Kochensparger of Centerville, Ohio, who has a daughter and a son, seconds that. "First-time parents tend to wish the time away -- 'I can't wait for her to crawl, walk, talk' -- and not enjoy the moment," she says.

The time slipped away from Loretta Sehlmeyer of Dix Hills, New York, because she was so focused on being a perfect parent to her son, Christian, now 4. "I fretted so much over caring for him that I missed the entire experience. I honestly didn't notice that my baby was growing and changing a little bit each day. I spent a lot of time looking at him, but I was way too distracted to actually see him," she says.

"So take some time each day, real time, to hold your baby and do nothing else but use your senses to connect with him. Smell his sweetness, and look at those tiny fingers and toes and amazing little nose."

7. There's no one else like you.

Only a handful of babycare rules are written in stone (specifically, those having to do with health and safety -- like, you really should always put a baby to sleep on his back). Most everything else is up for interpretation. "It's great to read up, solicit opinions, and listen respectfully to advice you haven't asked for," says Michelle Wilkins. "But you know your baby and yourself best. You'll know when an idea resonates."

Adds Chantel Fry, mom of Dylan, 3, and Madalyn, 7 months, in Pittsburgh: "You're going to be different than the next mom. Not better, not worse -- because you do the best you can, and if at the end of the day your child has laughed, and is clean and fed, you can go to sleep knowing that you did what is expected of you." No matter how you did those things, exactly, you can be proud that you're inventing your own special way of being a mom.

#baby products #best baby products

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lawrenceop · 7 years

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Salve Regina!

A talk on the Titles of Mary in the ‘Salve Regina’ given at a ‘Day with Mary’ in the Rosary Shrine on 25 November 2017.

If you were to come here on a Sunday evening, around 5:45pm, you’ll see a procession of Dominican friars in their black and white habits, singing as they walk to the Lady Altar. The words that they’re singing are well known to us: “Salve Regina, Mater misericordiæ…”. These words date to the 11th century, but the tune which the Dominicans sing are, perhaps, less familiar, and it dates to the at least the 13th century. The custom of processing and singing the ‘Salve Regina’ every night also dates to the 13th century – it was first introduced by the Dominicans about 1221 in their priory in Bologna, in the church where St Dominic is now buried. According to a 13th-century compilation of stories from the early Dominicans called ‘The Lives of the Brethren’, Blessed Jordan of Saxony, Second Master of the Order, instituted this practice of the “Salve Procession” in order to beseech Mary’s protection for the friars who were being tempted and tormented by evil spirits: “At once, the phantoms were put to flight [and] those who were tormented were left in peace”. And Blessed Jordan also wrote that when the Salve is sung, he saw Our Lady at the feet of Christ “praying for the preservation of the Order”. So, the Dominicans have a great devotion to Our Lady and especially to this antiphon; unlike the Roman custom of changing the Marian antiphon with each liturgical season, the Dominicans (until very recently) would sing the Salve all year round. The Salve is also intimately connected with the Holy Rosary, a devotion promoted throughout the world by the Dominicans. Indeed, tradition says that Our Lady taught the Rosary to St Dominic, and told him to use it to combat the evil of heresy. So, together with the Rosary, the Salve is dear to the Dominican heart.

Therefore, my talk today is about the Salve Regina. But time does not allow me to analyse the theology and beauty behind the whole prayer. Rather, my attention was drawn to the titles given to Mary at the very beginning of the prayer. Our Lady is greeted, “Salve”, which means ‘Welcome’, or even simply ‘Hello’. In the English translation we can see immediately its relation to the angelic salutation: “Hail”! The angel Gabriel then follows his greeting with the most awesome title given to describe Mary: “full of grace”. In fact, the Greek word that St Luke used is much richer than the English can encapsulate. The word is kécharitôméne, and this form of the verb in Greek signifies that “Mary has been transformed by the grace of God”, and “if it is true that Mary was entirely transformed by the grace of God, that then means that God has preserved her from sin, ‘purified’ her, and sanctified her". St Gabriel’s title for Mary thus tells us of Mary’s uniqueness in the history of salvation, and of everything that God has done for her. Everything that Mary is, and everything that Mary does is possible only because of God’s grace at work in her life so singularly and powerfully.

An understanding of this angelic title given to Mary and recounted in the Gospel is vital if we’re to understand properly the titles used in the ‘Salve Regina’, for they all flow from Mary’s plenitude of God’s transforming and sanctifying grace. The five titles at the beginning of the Salve are: Regina, Mater Misericordiæ, Vita, Dulcedo, and Spes nostra. I shall look briefly at each of them and comment on how they disclose to us Mary’s role in our lives and in God’s saving work.

Regina Mary’s Queenship is derived from her divine Motherhood. She is Mother of God, of Jesus Christ who is the universal King, and so Mary is fitting called the Queen Mother. Scott Hahn, who shall be speaking here in our Rosary Shrine next March, observes that in ancient Israel, “the woman honoured as queen was not the wife of the king but the mother of the king”, and moreover, one of the key roles of the Queen Mother was to intercede for the people and present their petitions to him. So, when we hail Mary as our Queen, we’re signalling that we want her to hear our prayers and present to Christ on our behalf. This is clearly a fitting title for the start of the Salve, which is a prayer, of course, containing one single petition, which is that we should see Christ face to face in heaven. The Salve is fundamentally a prayer that we may receive the grace of the beatific vision enjoyed by all the saints; all genuine prayer is directed towards this goal of eternal salvation. So, in the first place, Mary is called Queen because of her divine Motherhood. Consequently, St John Damascene says: “When she became Mother of the Creator, she truly became Queen of every creature.”

However, it’s not only in the realm of our creaturely human nature that Mary is Queen. She is also Queen in the order of grace, in that which concerns our salvation. For Mary is called Queen because of her plenitude of grace setting her far above all other human beings because she is, in an unparalleled way, full of holiness and love. Thus, St Andrew of Crete, writing in the 8th century says that Mary is “the Queen of the entire human race… who is exalted above all things save only God himself.” Moreover, Pope Pius XII explains that “the Blessed Virgin Mary should be called Queen… because God has willed her to have an exceptional role in the work of our eternal salvation”. Mary has an “active part in the work of our salvation” because she gave of her own substance, her own flesh, to the Saviour. Therefore Mary is so closely united to Christ that, Pope Pius XII says, there is an “inexhaustible efficacy of her maternal intercession before the Son and His Father.” Hence, as Queen Mother, Mary is our intercessor, and she is most efficacious of all intercessors because of her active interest in our salvation, and because of her Queenship over all people. This first title, therefore, proclaims Mary’s pre-eminence as intercessor and object of our prayers. Hence, St Dominic was told in a vision of Our Lady, that whenever the Order prayed the Salve, she interceded for the Order and asked Our Lord to protect the Dominicans.

Mater Misericordiæ According to St Thomas Aquinas, the word mercy refers to “the compassion in our hearts for another person’s misery, a compassion which drives us to do what we can to help him”. This title, therefore, explains why Mary is such a great intercessor for us: it is because she is full of compassion, a Mother of Mercy. The reason for this is, again, due to the fullness of grace that she has, making her full of love and like God who is all merciful.

We know that in art, following the words of Scripture, Mary’s Immaculate Heart is often depicted with a sword piercing it. This is a fitting depiction of Mary’s compassionate heart, full of mercy, because, as St Thomas says, the Latin word for mercy, ‘misericordia’ means to have a miserable heart, that is to say, a heart that suffers. Mary suffers in her heart when she sees our misery, we who are the “poor banished children of Eve”. For no mother can bear to hear her children cry, so Mary cannot fail to be moved when we, her children, go to her crying, “mourning and weeping in this vale of tears”.

Indeed, in the Dominican tradition, it is believed that Mary founded the Order of Preachers to eradicate heresy, and thus to save sinners from error and sin, because Mary had so much mercy and compassion for sinners. The story is told in the ‘Lives of the Brethren’ of Mary begging Jesus to have pity on lost souls: “Such prayers as these did the Mother of mercy pour forth for sinners, kneeling at the feet of her Son. At length, on the third day, raising her up with great tenderness, the Son replied: “I know, sweet Mother, that sinners are being lost for want of preachers, having none to break open for them the bread of the holy Scriptures, or teach the truth, or open the books now sealed to them. Wherefore, yielding to you entreaties, I will send them new messengers, an Order of Preachers, who shall call the people and lead them to everlasting joys”. Therefore, the preaching of truth and the teaching of the Faith is a great work of mercy, and one that, it seems to me, we need desperately in our world. Surely, the world cries out now to Our Lady for help, and I pray that she will respond by moving many men and women to become Dominicans!

Vita The name ‘Eve’ means “Mother of the Living”, and yet, through Eve’s disobedience and sin, humanity was condemned to death through the condition of original sin. For as St Paul says, “the wages of sin is death.” As such, Eve’s name is somewhat ironic, or rather, tragic because it reminds us that through sin she had forsaken her vocation as mother of the living. However, Christ who is “the Way, the Truth, and the Life” rescues Mankind from the predicament of original sin, and he opens for us the way to Paradise once more. So, St Irenaeus says, “Jesus’s obedience on the tree of the cross reversed the disobedience at the tree in Eden”. Moreover, by his death and resurrection, Christ becomes the source of our resurrection with him to eternal life.

However, Mary participates in this saving work of Christ, and so she is called “our life”. Due to Mary’s sinless obedience, which is a fruit of her fullness of grace; an effect of her being preserved from the stain of original sin through the merits and grace of Christ, Mary becomes the New Eve, the true Mother of the Living. So St Irenaeus says that “As Eve was seduced by the word of an angel and so fled from God after disobeying his word, Mary in her turn was given the good news by the word of an angel, and bore God in obedience to his word. As Eve was seduced into disobedience to God, so Mary was persuaded into obedience to God”. Therefore, Mary’s “Yes” to the angel Gabriel overturns and reverses what Eve does so that just as through Eve death enters the world, so through Mary, the new Eve, life is restored to the world.

In the 4th century, therefore, St Epiphanius writes that “in truth from Mary the Life itself [i.e. Jesus] was born in the world, such that Mary might bear living things, and become the Mother of living things. Therefore, Mary is called the Mother of living things… Also, there is another wonderful thing to consider about these women, Eve and Mary: Eve became a cause of death to mankind… and Mary a cause of life. For through her life is given to humanity in exchange for death, that is to say, we receive from Mary, he who through the Woman has become our life”.

Hence, several stories in ‘Lives of the Brethren’ report that Mary came to many of the Dominican brothers on their deathbed, and she would lead them to eternal life. As one dying brother said after Our Lady appeared to him: “I look forward to my death with joy, and am all eagerness to hasten away to the place prepared and shown me by the Queen of heaven”!

Dulcedo So we see that Mary, the Queen of heaven, who leads her children to life makes death sweet for her children. This, St Alphonsus Liguori says, is why Mary is called “our sweetness”. Many people fear death, and they suffer terribly at the hour of death to the extent that they might even despair and turn from God. However, Our Lady frequently promises us that if we remain close to her, and if we are devoted to her, she will grant us a happy and holy death. Thus, we say repeatedly in the Rosary: “Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death”. This, in effect, is a prayer that Mary will come to us at our deathbeds and sweeten that passage from this life to the next through the doorway of death.

In the ‘Lives of the Brethren’, the story is recounted of a Dominican brother from Metz who, as death drew nearer, changed: “his eyes sparkled with unusual brilliance, and he began to clap his hands as a sign of the great joy that reigned within him, as if his soul were eager for its flight but unable to burst its mortal bands. Presently, he was heard to murmur: ‘O most blessed Lady, thy presence is indeed a most welcome one!’ Then he began to sing Mary’s praises”! To this day, in the Dominican tradition, when a brother is dying, a bell summons the other brothers to his deathbed and they sing the ‘Salve Regina’.

How beautiful is this prayer that, at the hour of our death, Mary will come as our sweetness and make that which is most dreadful into something to be embraced and, even, desired. Thus St Alphonsus says that “if you are faithful to Mary, even though you have previously offended God, she will procure you a sweet and happy death”.

Spes Nostra Therefore, Mary is called our hope. We place our hope in her promises of securing for us life and sweetness; we hope in her merciful and immaculate heart; we hope in her Queenship. All that Mary obtains for us is given to her from her Son, and it is he who desires that we receive these graces through her intercession. So, when we place our hope in Mary, we know that, ultimately, we hope in Christ who is the source of Mary’s plenitude of grace and who has given his Mother such a unique role in our salvation. Hence Pope Pius XII said: “the Blessed Virgin possessed, after Christ, not only the highest degree of excellence and perfection, but also a share in that influence by which He, her Son and our Redeemer, is rightly said to reign over the minds and wills of men. For if through His Humanity the divine Word performs miracles and gives graces, if He uses His Sacraments and Saints as instruments for the salvation of men, why should He not make use of the role and work of His most holy Mother in imparting to us the fruits of redemption?”

Therefore, it is right and just that we hope in Our Lady. She is ever-faithful Mother, and we have every reason to trust in her powerful intercession because she has never let us down. One of the most beautiful stories in ‘The Life of the Brethren’ recalls a promise she made to St Dominic. We’re told that in his prayers, St Dominic “was caught up in spirit from where he was standing to the throne of God, and there he beheld our Lord, and the Blessed Virgin sitting on his right hand”. But as St Dominic looked around heaven, he saw men and women from every Order in the Church standing before God, but he did not see a single one in a black and white habit, not a single Dominican. St Dominic began to cry, and when Christ asked him why he wept, he said “I am grieving because I see here members of every religious Order, but of my own not one.” Then Our Lord said to St Dominic: “Do you wish to see your Order?”, and St Dominic nodded and said “Yes, Lord”. So, placing his hand lovingly on the Blessed Virgin Mary’s shoulder, Jesus replied: “I have given over your Order to my mother’s care.” At these words, the Blessed Virgin drew back her mantle, and opening it wide before St Dominic, it seemed to enclose nearly the whole of that heavenly country, so vast was it, and beneath it he saw a great company of his brethren.”

Hence, every year, the Dominican Order celebrates the feast of Our Lady Patronage over the Order, and we entrust ourselves to her motherly protection, placing the hope of our salvation in Our Lady’s intercession and prayer. So, let us end with the Collect said at the Mass on this feast day:

Let us pray: “Faithful and merciful God, you placed the Order of Preachers under the special patronage of the Blessed Virgin Mary. Grant, we pray, that she who is now our life, our sweetness and our hope may at this life’s end mercifully show to us Jesus, your Son, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, God, for ever and ever. Amen.”

#Mary #mariology #intercessor #talk #Day with Mary #Dominican #Vitae Fratrum

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a-pretty-nerd · 7 years

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Imagine: Part 8 Finale (Jasper Jordan x pregnant reader)

A/N: This is the last instalment of this fic! I am so happy that you guys enjoyed it! If you like this one, then you might like a new I’m cooking up. This one involved a 1920s AU with Jasper(ot just straight up, Devon) being reader’s lover! I also have some Murphy smuts, and Rodrick smuts on the way! But as always, don’t be afraid to make a request! ✌❤

Warning: Violence, the apocalypse, angst, etc.

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That’s it. Octavie won the fight. Arkadia offically had rights to the bunker that was sure to save everyone. There was hope after all. You, and the baby, and Jasper didn’t have to die! It was just a matter of convincing Jasper. But you were running out of time. While you were helping everyone pack up for the bunker, Jasper and Harper were off partying with the others. Monty hadn’t given up hope, but he was too busy trying to convince Harper, and making suits, and figuring everything out. It wasn’t until mostly everyone had left, and your time was numbered by days, that you approached by Bellamy.

“Y/N.” His voice deep, and demanding as always. You turned and looked up at him with a curious gaze. Its not that you and Bellamy didn’t get along, it was just a rarety for him to reach out to you.

“Yeah?”

“Why aren’t you leaving with the others?” You shrugged.

“I’m staying with Monty for a bit. We still have time to-”

“You’re a top priority. You shouldn’t be here now. The radiation will come any day now.”

“I’m well aware Bellamy. I just…I have a few things I need to take care of first.” You went to walk away, but he blocked you.

“If you’re talking about Jasper, you’re wasting your time. Nothing will change his mind.” Somehow he turned his words into a knife, and gutted you. You’d thought the same thing before, but hearing it said by someone else. It hurt more than anything else.

“Get out of my way Bellamy.” You demanded.

“Y/N-”

“Get the fuck, out of my way!” You shouted at him. All the anger you felt, all the sorrow and the hate from the past 5 months came out. His eyes went wide, clearly taken back. He stepped aside, and you stomped off to your room. You layed down on the bed, and cried.

Several days went by too fast. You stood amungst the group of wild teenager as the music blared, and they stripped to their underwear in a wild frenzie. Bellamy had just left, leaving you and Monty to catch up in the last remaining rover. Monty made extra suits. Five to be exact. Four, for you, Harper, Jasper, and himself. Then an extra just in case.

You found Jasper at the bar, pouring himself some of that putrid tea he made. He looked sickly, his skin was greasy and pale. The bags under his eyes made him look 10 times older. How had you not seen him like this? Why didn’t you tell him before. Maybe then, he wouldn’t be like this. Monty went to approach him before there was shouting across the room. One of the others had collapsed, and they frantically circled around him. Monty went to try and revive him, but you watched as the emaciated Jasper clawed him away. He rambled on about how to let him have his peace. It scared you to death to see him like this. On the verdge of death himself. He looked down at the dead body in fascination, and envy. You had to act now. This was your last chance.

When Jasper seperated himself from the group, you followed him into a dark room. Almost nothing, but a table, and a window. Jasper wrapped himself in a blanket, and went to finish his drink. You knew, if he finished it, he’d be dead. The cup gently tapped his bottom lip, and you panicked.

“Jasper!” You cried. He jumped, and turned his attention to you. His eyes wide with fear. You had clearly startled him.

“Y/N. N-No. What are you doing here? Go, get out of here before its too late.” He put his drink down, and approached you to walk you away.

“I’m not leaving. Not until I talk to you.” It was hard to speak. Your heart felt like it was in your throat. You felt sick to your stomach as you looked helplessly into his big brown eyes. Those eyes, still as soft and sweet as the day you met him.

“Goodbyes will only hurt Y/N. Please just-”

“This isn’t a goodbye Jasper. Look, theres something I have to tell you.”

“Oh, God. Y/N. Don’t do this to yourself. Don’t tell me you love me. It will only make it harder for you to move on.” He placed his hands on your shoulders. “I just want you to go, and be happy.”

“Oh float you Jasper!” You had enough. Enough of him and his shitty attitude. You cared about this too much to let him brush you off again. “You want me to be happy? You make me happy Jasper.” His eyes were wide, he very visably didn’t know how to react. “But, thats not what I came here to tell you.” He looked you up and down, nervous and confused.

“You shouldn’t be here, you need to leave. You’re f-fucking pregnant.” He was stumbling through his words.

“Jasper, please. Y-You need to know this. I should have told you long before. And I’m so so sorry. If I did, maybe things would be different.” You felt like you were going to cry. You did everything you could to keep yourself from it. You were so sick of all the tears. You kept your gaze away from his eyes. You stared at his collar bone. “Jasper…The baby…” You took in a deep breath.

“What about it Y/N?”

“The baby, is yours!” There it was. You said it. You got the courage to look up at him. His expression hadn’t changed. You watched him take a deep breath, and close his eyes shut. He shook his head, and then looked at you.

“What?” He was in disbelief.

“You got me pregnant, Jasper.”

“N-No its Damian’s.”

“Damian and I never had sex.” He stared at your belly, then you.

“B-But how?”

“Don’t you remember? Unity day, you got super hammered. And we…The next morning you told me it didn’t mean anything.” He stared at you.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I tried. I wanted to. So badly. But everytime I tried to tell you, it was just so wrong. And in Mount Weather…you were so happy with Maya I-I…” The tears started. They rolled down your cheeks. “I couldn’t ruin your chances with her.” His eyes started getting teary. His eyes found themselves lost in yours. His breathing became heavy.

“Y-You let everyone think, that it was someone else’s. Just so….Y/N…Why?”

“Because I’ve loved you since we were on the Ark! I have loved you, even though you put me through so much shit. I mean, you knocked me up, and you reject me, and now…Now you’re leaving me…” You watched him as the tears fell down his cheekbones. His lip began to quiver, and then he reached out. He held you close to him, like he would never let go. You felt his tears fall on your head as he wept.

“I’m so sorry Y/N.” He sobbed. “I’m so..s-sorry.” You looked up at him, held his face in your hands, and kissed him. He kissed back, tenderly. When you pulled away, his hands grazed over your belly.

“You taste just as sweet as that night.” He whisepered. He leaned his forehead against yours.

“Jasper, I can’t do this without you.” You held his hand on your belly. “We, can’t do this without you.” He looked down at your belly fondly. As if, he was happy.

“Y/N…” His voice was soft, and sweet.

“It’s not too late.” You kissed him again. “You know you’d be welcome with open arms. Jasper, no one wants to see you go. Think how devistated Monty and I would be. Or Octavia, or Raven. Jasper, you have so many people who love, and care about. Y-You…You have a family right here.”

“I’d be no good in a family. I-Im-”

“Bullshit! You’d make a great Dad, and a wonderful partner. You’re a skilled chemist. You’re smart, and sweet. You have a heart of gold. You’d do anything to save the people you love. I know you’ve convinced yourself that you’re cursed, and useless, but you’re wrong. So, so wrong. So please. Come with us. Come with us, or I’m staying here with you.” You stood your ground.

“Oh float you.” He whispered before kissing you, passionately. The most amazing, loving, and breath taking kiss you’d ever had. He held the back of your neck, and your hip in the other hand. He reluctantly pulled away, and looked at you again, with something of a smile. Or a grin. “Come on then.”

“Really?” He nodded, and went to walk out of the room with you. But Monty stood there, in his suit. His mouth hanging open. “Jesus Monty, how long have you been standing there?”

“I saw the whole thing. You’re really coming?” He asked Jasper.

“If you’ll have me.” He shrugged. Monty just gave him a tight hug. Then he swept the two of you off to the Rover. You’d saved Jasper’s life. A debt he’d never be able to repay. No matter how many dirty diapers he’d change.

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The end ❤✌

#jasper jordan #jasper jordan x reader #jasper jordan x pregnant reader #the 100 x pregnant reader #pregnant!reader #the 100 x reader

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we-are-all-of-legend-now · 7 years

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Never Say Goodbye Playlist: Part Two

Youtube Playlist

|Part One | Part Three|

Part Two: Songs That Remind Me Of The Text*

(*If a song matches a certain part in the text, it will be indicated, if not, it’s a general inspiration)

A Father’s First Spring - The Avett Brothers

When I'm in my sweet daughter's eyes, My heart is now ruined for the rest of all times, There's no part of it left to give,There's no part of it left to give. I never lived til I lived in your light, And my heart never beat like it does at the sight, Of you baby blue, God blessed your life. I do not live 'less I live in your life. I do not live 'less I live in your life. I do not live

All I’ve Ever Needed - Paul McDonald ft. Nikki Reed

My bed sheets feel empty, When you're not home, Your heartbeat helps me sleep, Your breath soothes my soul, Baby, you’re all, Baby, you’re all, Baby, you’re all I've ever needed

All That You Are - Goo Goo Dolls

I feel wrong, I'm so human and flawed, I'll break down even though I'm still strong, And time... will make fools of us all, Build us up and then laughs when we fall, You... pull me through, When I'm alone in the dark and the fear is my truth, Yeah all the things that you are, Beautifully broken, Alive in my heart, And know, That you are everything, Let your heart sing and tonight, We'll light up the stars, All that you are

A Million Skies - Kensington Prairie

We’ve witnessed many sunsets,Watched as many moon falls, And I know you’re not far away now, Tho’ oceans divide us, And worlds may come between us, I know you’re not far away now.

All The Years - Wild Child

You're my best friend, You, you know you mean the world to me, I can't think of a better thing than growing old with you, You, you know I need you by my side, And everything seems better now with you here in my life

All This Time - OneRepublic (Chapter: 12)

All this time we were waiting for each other, All this time I was waiting for you, We got all these words, can't waste them on another, So I'm straight in a straight line running back to you

Always Be Together - Little Mix

We'll always be together, Don't you worry, Don't you worry, no. I'll always be by your side, Don't you worry, Never worry about a thing, no no no no no no no, The circle will never end, It'll never end, Just know that we'll meet again, We'll meet again, And we'll always be together, Forever always, Don't you worry, I am here

Angel - Leona Lewis

So we take it each moment our love grows, I see it, you see it, What we have is made of gold, We're so filled with meaning, Nothing can make us shallow. So I hold it, and you hold it, The promise of tomorrow. When we make love its overwhelming, I just touch the heavens. You're an angel, you're an angel

Army Of Angels - The Script

This world’s a war zone, But I’ve got a shield, And I won’t surrender, 'Cause your love feels, Like an army of angels

A Sky Full Of Stars - Coldplay

'Cause you're a sky, you're a sky full of stars, Such a heavenly view, You're such a heavenly view

As Love Is My Witness - Westlife

‘Cause love is my witness, I swear, I'll be with you till the end, Nothing in tear this love apart, I'll put my hand upon my heart, This is the promise I'll make to you, Whatever comes we'll see it through, Nothing can break it, This feeling's too strong, 'Cause love is my witness

As Much As I Ever Could - City And Colour

No I am not where I belong, So shine a light and guide me home. No I am not where I belong, So shine a light, guide me back home.

Beautiful Love - The Afters

Larger than the moon, my love for you, Worlds collide as heaven pulls us through, The secret of the world is written in the stars, I'm carrying your heart in mine

Because You Live - Jesse McCartney

Because you live there's a reason why, I carry on when I lose the fight, I want to give what you've given me always, Because you live and breathe, Because you make me believe in myself when nobody else can help, Because you live, girl, My world has twice as many stars in the sky

Because You Loved Me - Celine Dion (Chapter: 39)

You were my strength when I was weak, You were my voice when I couldn't speak. You were my eyes when I couldn't see, You saw the best there was in me, Lifted me up when I couldn't reach, You gave me faith 'cause you believed, I'm everything I am, Because you loved me

Before The Goodbye - Britney Spears (Chapter: 49)

Though, You're near, Still, I wanna make it clear, Love, I will always be around, You're leaving, I'm waiting, Forgive me, I'm always missing you, Before the goodbye, I Feel It , Already, Forgive me, I'm always missing you, Before the goodbye

Be My Forever - Christina Perri ft Ed Sheeran

We're on top of the world, We're on top of the world, Now darling, so don't let go, Can I call you mine? So can I call you mine now, darling, For a whole life time? My heart finally trusts my mind, And I know somehow it's right

Bleed - Hot Chelle Rae (Chapter: 139)

I bleed my heart out just for you, And it's all here in black and white and red, For all the times those words were never said, I bleed my heart out on this paper for you, So you can see what I can't say, I'm dying here

Blindfolded - Kris Allen

If I was blindfolded, If my memory was erased, If every sign pointed to another place, I'd still find you, I will still find you, I'd still find you, If I was blindfolded

Borrowed Time - Thompson Square

Let's not waste what we have left, Just talking about goodbye no, We can sit here pretending, We have more than a lifetime, Than a lifetime, How can something end so soon, When it feels so right, Yeah it feels so right

Bring Me The Night - Sam Tsui ft. Kina Grannis

Measuring days in the spaces between our goodbyes, Learning to wait through the endless parade, Of our same old see-you-next-time's, But when I close my eyes the miles melt away, Like you're here in my arms at the end of the day

By Your Side - Faber Drive

Your heart in mine, Don't you know I'll always be near, Even in the hardest times, Don't you know I'm always right here

Changing Tides - The Fray

Changing tides, Baby that's the hardest part of life, Hold me tight. And we will move as one in the changing tides

Closer - Westlife

Don't give up, don't let go, Come on get closer, Give all we have inside, Don't look back, Come on get closer, The world is ours tonight, Tonight, tonight, tonight, The world is ours tonight

Close Your Eyes - Westlife

I know I'm gonna see you again, But promise me that you won't forget, Cause as long as you remember, A part of us will be together, So even when you're fast asleep, Look for me inside your dreams, Keep believing in what we're sharing, And even when I'm not there to tell you

Come Home Soon - SHeDAISY

I sleep alone, I cry alone, Without you this house is not a home, So please, come home soon, I walk alone, I try alone, I'll wait for you, don't want to die alone, So please, come home soon

Darling I Do - Landon Pigg ft Lucy Schwartz

Notes on the keys, meant nothing to me, The world didn't sing without you, Birds in the trees fell silent for me, The world didn't sing without you, Without you, I know pleny' of people with eyes closed, They don't see you like I do

Daylight- Maroon 5 (Chapter: 21)

This is way too hard, cause I know, When the sun comes up, I will leave, This is my last glance that will soon be memory. And when the daylight comes I'll have to go, But tonight I'm gonna hold you so close, Cause in the daylight we'll be on our own, But tonight I need to hold you so close

Dear Daughter - Halestorm (Chapter: 139)

These are words, That every girl should have a chance to hear, There will be love, There will be pain, There will be hope, There will be fear, And through it all year after year, Stand or fall I will be right here, For you

Dear God - Avenged Sevenfold

Miles away from those I love, purpose hard to find, Dear God, the only thing I ask of you, Is to hold her when I'm not around, When I'm much too far away, We all need the person who can be true to you, I left her when I found her, And now I wish I'd stayed, 'Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired. I'm missing you again, oh no, Once again

Dear Love - Quanah

Dear love hold tight, I’ll be coming home really soon, to under the time, And the distance from me to you, I Won’t disappear, So don’t shed a tear for me

Destiny - Jim Birckman ft. Billy Porter/Jordan Hill

Maybe all we need, Is just a little faith, 'Cause baby I believe, That love will find the way

Devastated - Gemma Hayes

Don't forget me, Now don't regret, Left there. Left bare. I'm left devastated

Does Anybody Know? - Us And Our Daughters

How does a glance turn into a lifetime? How does a touch turn into an embrace? How do lovers outrun? How does two suddenly become one? Does anybody know how to keep how to hold love close? Closer than your heart, so nothing can break it apart

Don’t Deserve You - Plumb (Chapter: 44)

And you're quick to forgive, When I make a mistake, You love me in the blink of an eye, I don't deserve your love, But you give it to me anyway, Can't get enough, You're everything I need, And when I walk away, You take off running and come right after me, It's what you do, And I don't deserve you

Don’t Give Up - Peter Gabriel ft. Kate Bush

Don't give up, You still have us, Don't give up, We don't need much of anything, Don't give up, 'Cause somewhere there's a place, Where we belong

Even Now - Dashboard Confessional

Even now I can see you smile, I can hear you hum, I can hear you sing, And I always can find you again, Even in the dark of night, Even in the lowest light, Even as the world outside, Is spinning, and spinning

Everything - Lifehouse

You are the strength, That keeps me walking. You are the hope, That keeps me trusting. You are the light,To my soul. You are my purpose, You're everything. How can I stand here with you, And not be moved by you? Would you tell me, How could it be, Any better than this?

Everything - Michael Buble

And I can't believe, uh that I'm your man, And I get to kiss you baby just because I can. Whatever comes our way, ah we'll see it through, And you know that's what our love can do. And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times, It's you, it's you, you make me sing. You're every line, you're every word, you're everything.

(Everything I Do) I Do For You - Bryan Adams

Take me as I am, take my life. I would give it all, I would sacrifice. Don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for, I can't help it, there's nothin' I want more

You know it's true: Everything I do, I do it for you, oh, yeah. There's no love like your love, And no other could give more love.

Falling - Oh Gravity

So fall, I'll be behind you, I'll be there to guide you when you've lost your way, Yeah forever's a long time, But far from enough time to spend with you

Father And Daughter - Paul Simon

I believe a light that shines on you will shine on you forever, And though I can't guarantee there's nothing scary hiding under your bed, I'm gonna stand guard like a postcard of a Golden Retriever, And never leave 'til I leave you with a sweet dream in your head, I'm gonna watch you shine, Gonna watch you grow, Gonna paint a sign, So you'll always know, As long as one and one is two, There could never be a father, Who loved his daughter more than I love you

Final Goodbye - Rihanna

Hold, draw me close, close to my lips, Listen intently as I tell you this, Outside the world wages its wars, I'll rest in peace as long as you know, Before we turn out the lights and close our eyes, I'll tell you a secret I've held all my life, Its you that I live for, and for you I die, So I'll lay here with you 'til the final goodbye

Forever - Rascal Flatts

It wasn't long enough, It wasn't long enough together, but it was long enough, yeah it was long enough to last forever. Sometimes I get so mad, I scream, I swear at this, ‘cause this isn't how we planned it. I sit here in a cold room prayin', waitin' on you, to run back through that door,

to the way it was before, you left

Forever - Westlife

You are the sun,You are my light, And you’re the last thing on my mind,Before I go to sleep at night, You’re always round, When I’m in need,When trouble’s on my mind, You put my soul at ease, There is no one in this world, Who can love me like you do, That is the reason that I,Wanna spend forever with you.

Forever In Your Debt - Jamestown Story

You gave me hope, when all my hope was gone, You gave me strength, when all my strength was gone, You picked me up, when I couldn't go on, You took my side, whenever I was wrong

For You - Keith Urban

And I wonder, would I give my life, Could I make that sacrifice, If it came down to it, Could I take the bullet, I would, Yes I would, for you

From Where You Are - Lifehouse

I miss the years that were erased, I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face, I miss all the little things, I never thought that they'd mean everything to me, Yeah I miss you, And I wish you were here

Gold Dust - Galantis

Keep coming down that street, There’s a hollow in this house whenever you go, You’re like gold dust

Gold Forever - The Wanted

Promise me you'll stay the way you are, Keep the fire alive and stay young at heart, When the storm feels like it could blow you out remember, you got me and I got you,’cause we are, butterflies, butterflies, we were meant to fly,You and I, you and I, Colors in the sky, When the innocence is dead and gone, These will be the times we look back on.

Gone Gone Gone - Phillip Phillips

When enemies are at your door, I'll carry you away from war, If you need help, if you need help. Your hope dangling by a string, I'll share in your suffering, To make you well, to make you well.

Goodbye My Lover - James Blunt

Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my friend. You have been the one. You have been the one for me. And I still hold your hand in mine. In mine when I'm asleep. And I will bare my soul in time, When I'm kneeling at your feet.

Goodnight But Not Goodbye - Nina

This love is a dream that came like clouds out of the blue, Raindrops fill my eyes

Gotta Have Him - Emily Hearn

Oh, I can't believe he loves me like he does, He takes my hand and flies my heart to the moon, That's what it's like when he's loving you

Greatest Prize - Nat And Alex Wolff

When I am around you, All my worries wonder off, at different times, Different times. When you speak so softly, I'm entranced and cannot move, I’ll blink and nod, blink and nod.

Have You Ever Been In Love - Westlife

Have you ever felt, How far a heart can fall, Have you ever stayed up waiting, For a telephone call, Just to hear her say hello, Cause you miss each other so, Have you ever been in love?

Hearts Collide - Mans Zelmerlow

You forgive mistakes that I made and nurse all the scars then away, You set the, the wind in my sails, sparking me over and over again, And all I kept running from was staring me straight in the eyes, Now I don't ever wanna say goodbye

Heaven - Bryan Adams

Now nothin' can take you away from me, We've been down that road before, But that's over now, You keep me comin' back for more, And baby, you're all that I want, When you're lyin' here in my arms, I'm findin' it hard to believe, We're in heaven

Heaven - Kira Isabella (Chapter: 49)

Hearts don't beat to be alone, Hold me close, don't you let me go, I'm right here, and you're right there, We can have a little bit of heaven, We can't stay forever young, But you can stay 'til the morning comes, Before the dawn, before the tears, We can have a little bit of heaven

Heaven Knows - Five For Fighting (Chapter: 133)

There's no time to waste, In this famous goodbye, There's angels landing on the shore, So lay down with me, Let the river run dry, It's Sunday in the six-day war, Smile darling don't be sad, Stars are going to shine tonight, Tell me where the good men go, Before I wash away, Walk me down the old brick road, So I can die where I met you, Hold me like we're going home, Turn your tears to rain, Bury me beautiful, Heaven knows how I loved you

Here In Your Arms - Hellogoodbye

I like where you sleep, When you sleep, next to me. I like where you sleep ... here, Our lips, can touch And our cheeks, can brush, Our lips can touch here

Hero - Enrique Iglesias

I can be your hero, baby, I can kiss away the pain., I will stand by you forever, You can take my breath away, Oh, I just want to hold you, I just want to hold you, oh, yeah

Hey Jude - The Beatles (Chapter: Bonus Chapter - Maia’s Origin Story)

Hey Jude, don't let me down, You have found her, now go and get her, Remember to let her into your heart, Then you can start to make it better

Hold Back The River - James Bay (Chapter:105)

Once upon a different life, We rode our bikes into the sky, But now we're caught against the tide, Those distant days all flashing by, Hold back the river, let me look in your eyes, Hold back the river, so I, Can stop for a minute and be by your side, Hold back the river, hold back

Home - Daughtry

Oh, well I'm going home, Back to the place where I belong, And where your love has always been enough for me, I'm not running from, No, I think you got me all wrong, I don't regret this life I chose for me, But these places and these faces are getting old, I said these places and these faces are getting old, So I'm going home, I'm going home.

How Do I Live - LeAnn Rimes (Chapter: 138)

How do I, Get through one night without you? If I had to live without you, What kind of life would that be?

How Long Will I Love You - Ellie Goulding

How long will I love you? As long as stars are above you, And longer if I can, How long will I need you? As long as the seasons need to, Follow their plan

I Can Wait Forever - Simple Plan

Every time I leave my heart turns gray, And I wanna come back home to see your face tonight, And I, Cause I just can't take it, Another day without you with me, Is like a blade that cuts right through me, But I can wait, I can wait forever, When you call my heart stops beating, When you're gone it won't stop bleeding, But I can wait, I can wait forever

I Could Not Love You More - Bee Gees

If you promise to believe that it's you I'm living for, And I could not love you more, Seasons may come and season go, But these are the truest words I know, Face to face, eye to eye, This is the summer of our lives, One love that cannot die, Here you are, owner of my soul, Never let you say goodbye

I’d Lie - Taylor Swift

He looks around the room, Innocently overlooks the truth, Shouldn’t a light go on? Doesn’t he know that I’ve had him memorized for so long? He sees everything black and white, Never let nobody see him cry, I don’t let nobody see me wishing he was mine

I’d Wait A Million Years - The Grass Roots

I'd wait a million years, Walk a million miles, cry a million tears, I'd swim the deepest sea, Climb the highest hill, just to have you near me

If I Could Be Where You Are - Enya

If I could be close beside you, If I could be where you are, If I could reach out and touch you, And bring you back home, Is there a way I can find you, Is there a sign I should know, Is there a road I can follow, To bring you back home to me

If I Lost You - Travis Tritt (Chapter: 36)

Like a ship with no harbor, Like a bird with no wings, Like a fish out of water, A dreamer without a dream, I have learned about losing, I could lose most anything, But if I lost you, There'd be no sunshine shinin’ through, I don't know what in the world I would do, If I lost you

If The Moon Fell Down - Chase Coy ft Colbie Caillat

I just always wanna have you right here by my side. The future's near but never certain, So please stay here for just tonight. I musta done something right, To deserve you in my life, I musta done something right, Along the way

If The Sun Comes Up - Trace Adkins

I believe you’ll watch the sunrise, With me for years to come, But if it turns out this morning’s our last one, Baby, Go on living, Don’t stop loving, Please find something you can put your heart into, And if the sun comes up, without me tomorrow, You’ll be fine, Just let it shine, On you

If We Hold On Together - Diana Ross

If we hold on together, I know our dreams will never die, Dreams see us through to forever, Where clouds roll by, For you and I

I Knew This Would Be Love - Imaginary Future ft. Kina Grannis

There were days when I thought I'd lost you, I read the letter aloud, what could I do? Now, we're right back where we belong, Don't second guess your heart, it's never wrong

I’ll Be - Edwin McCain

And I've dropped out, I've burned up, I've fought my way back from the dead, I've tuned in, turned on, remembered the things that you said, I'll be your crying shoulder, I'll be love's suicide, I'll be better when I'm older, I'll be the greatest fan of your life

I’ll Be Seeing You - Billie Holiday

I'll be seeing you, In all the old familiar places, That this heart of mine embraces

I’ll Be There - Westlife

I'll be there to comfort you, I'll build my world and dreams around you, So glad that I found you, I'll be there with love that's strong, I'll be your strength, I'll keep holding on and on and on, Oh yes I will

I’ll Be Your Strength - The Wanted

This is not gonna last forever, It’s that time when you must hold on. And I won’t let you surrender, And I’ll heal you if you’re broken.

I’ll Fight - Daughtry

But if you ever fall down straight to the bottom, And you can't get back where you started, With no strength to stand, I'm gonna reach for your hand, When the going gets rough right when it's hurting, I will be there to help bear the burden, Any place any time, You gotta know for you I'll fight, (Ooh ooh, ooh ooh), Any place any time, You gotta know for you I'll fight

I’ll Never Say Goodbye - Barbra Streisand

When I say always, I mean forever, I trust tomorrow as much as today, I'm not afraid to say I love you, And I promise you I'll never say goodbye

I’ll Stand By You - The Pretenders

I'll stand by you, I'll stand by you, Won't let nobody hurt you, I'll stand by you, Take me in, into your darkest hour, And I'll never desert you, I'll stand by you

I’m Falling For You - Chester See

But I don't know how long I can stick around and be, just another friend time and time again and hold my tongue. I don't know how long before it breaks me down inside, and all my strength has gone away, and it's too late before I say, I'm falling for you, I'm falling for you, I'm torn between the chance for everything and a price that I can't pay, losing you is something that I'd never chose so I'll just have to wait, but it kills me everyday

I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles) - Sleeping At Last

And when I'm lonely, well I know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the man who's lonely without you. And if I grow old, well I know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the man who's growing old with you.

In Your Arms - Kina Grannis

Anything we have known, anything we've forgotten, In the rain, in the dark we'll lay, In your arms, in your arms I'll stay, Follow me, We both know the way, It's always been the same

In Your Arms Again - George Canyon/Crystal Shawanda

Oh, whatever I may have to do, Nothing’s gonna stop me, coming back to you, Every stolen moment, washed away, I want all these troubles far behind us, Better days to come and find us, I just wanna be in your arms again, I just wanna be in your arms, again.

I Wanna Grow Old With You - Westlife

The time we spent apart will make our love grow stronger, But it hurt so bad I can't take it any longer , I wanna grow old with you, I wanna die lying in your arms, I wanna grow old with you,I wanna be looking in your eyes, I wanna be there for you, Sharing everything you do, I wanna grow old with you, A thousand miles between us now, It causes me to wonder how, Our love tonight remains so strong, It makes our risk right all along

I Want You - Tom Waits

All I want is you, Give you the stars above, Sun on the brightest day, Give you all my love, if you would only say, I want you

I Will Love You - David Myles

When we’re close, when we’re far, Over the mountains, under the stars, I will love you, I will love you, I will love you

Just A Dream - Carrie Underwood

Baby why'd you leave me, Why'd you have to go? I was counting on forever, now I'll never know, I can't even breathe, It's like I'm looking from a distance, Standing in the background, Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now, This can't be happening to me, This is just a dream

Just Fishin’ - Trace Adkins

I say, “Daddy loves you, baby” one more time, She says, “I know. I think I got a bite.”, And all this laughin’, cryin, smilin’ dyin’ here inside’s, What I call, livin’, And she thinks we’re just fishin’ on the riverside, Throwin’ back what we could fry, Drownin’ worms and killin’ time, Nothin’ too ambitious, She ain’t even thinkin’ ‘bout, What’s really goin’ on right now, But I guarantee this memory’s a big’in, And she thinks we’re just fishin’

Kiss Me - The Fray

Oh, kiss me beneath the milky twilight, Lead me out on the moonlit floor, Lift your open hand, Strike up the band and make the fireflies, Dance silver moon’s sparkling, so kiss me

Knocking On Heaven’s Door - Guns ‘N’ Roses

Mama put my guns in the ground, I can't shoot them anymore, That cold black cloud is comin' down, Feels like I'm knockin' on heaven's door

Last Mile Of The Way - Westlife

Like day turns to night, Stone turns to dust (yeah), Like life becomes memories, Steel becomes rust, Pain's just a lesson learned, We'll look back one day, And I'll take you with me, To the last mile of the way

Lay Me Down - Sam Smith ft John Legend

Your touch, your skin, Where do I begin? No words can explain, The way I'm missing you, Deny this emptiness, This hole that I'm inside, These tears, They tell their own story, Told me not to cry when you were gone, But the feeling's overwhelming, it's much too strong, Can I lay by your side? Next to you, you, And make sure you're alright, I'll take care of you, I don't want to be here if I can't be with you tonight

Letters From The Sky - Civil Twilight

That you and I were made for this, I was made to taste your kiss, We were made to never fall away, Never fall away, One of these days letters are gonna fall, From the sky telling us all to go free, But until that day I'll find a way, To let everybody know that you're coming back, You're coming back for me

Light - Sleeping At Last

I’ll give you everything I have. I’ll teach you everything I know. I promise I’ll do better. I will always hold you close, But I will learn to let you go. I promise I’ll do better. I will soften every edge, I’ll hold the world to its best, And I’ll do better. With every heartbeat I have left, I will defend your every breath, And I’ll do better.

Lighthouse - Westlife

This kind of love, Is more than a feeling, For a man who really cried, I get all choked up each time, You say you love me, You could've walked away, Could've give my problems back, Could've left, You took the chance

Like A Wrecking Ball - Eric Church

That whole house is gonna be shakin', I hope those bricks and boards can take it, But I won't be surprised, If the whole damn place just falls, Wanna rock you baby like a wrecking ball, And that old house is gonna be shakin', Rafter rockin', foundation quakin', Crash right through the front door, Back you up against the wall, Love you baby, Take it right there baby, Rock you baby like a wrecking ball

Lost Without Your Love - Amy Pearson

I count the days now where apart, And each hangs heavy on my heart, I know it has to be this way, Tomorrow happens gone away

Love - Nancy Adams (Chapter: Final Epilogue)

Once we watched a lazy world go by, Now the days seem to fly, Life is brief but when it's gone, Love goes on and on

Love Is A Song - Donald Novis

Love is a song that never ends, Life may be swift and fleeting, Hope may die, yet love's beautiful music, Comes each day like the dawn

Love Lives On - Mallary Hope (Chapter: 133)

She comes with me on your birthday, little flowers in her hands, she’s always known there’s something missing, but too young to understand, and someday she’s going to ask me, what kind of man you were, I’ll tell her all the ways I loved you, and all of you I see in her

Love Me Tender - Elvis Presley

Love me tender, love me sweet, never let me go. You have made my life complete, and I love you so.

Lover Lay Down - Dave Matthews Band

By my lover's side, Together share this smile, Each other's tears to cry, Together share this smile, Lover lay down

Love Takes Two - Westlife

Love takes two, Time after time we've talked it through, Cause baby, I need you, What am I supposed to do, When your words could disguise what you're going through, But they can't fool your heart, Now it's time to decide what you wanna do, I'm telling you

Lucky Ones - Faber Drive

We're the lucky ones, We are the lucky ones, Going strong and it's getting better, You're still the one I'm dreaming of

Make Me Yours - Beth Crowley (Chapter: 2)

I've said too much but I have got to get this out, Don't blame the timing, 'Cause the only time is now, And if we're done we'll go our separate ways, And say goodbye, But I think we'll both have our regrets if we do not give this a try, This push and pull, Aren't you tired of running, Making me feel like I'm the fool, And this back and forth, Is stopping tonight 'cause I'm standing here telling you, Make me yours

Me And You - Kenny Chesney

Everyday I live, Try my best to give, All I have to you, Thank the stars above, That we share this love, Me and you

Mess Is Mine - Vance Joy

You're the reason that I feel so strong, The reason that I'm hanging on, You know you gave me all the time, Or did I give enough of mine?

More Than Anyone - Gavin DeGraw

I'm going to love you more than anyone, I'm going to hold you closer than before, And when I kiss your soul, your body'll be free, I'll be free for you anytime, I'm going to love you more than anyone, Free for you, whenever you need, We'll be free together baby, Free together baby

More Than Anyone Deserves - LeAnn Rimes

Cause I love longer and wider, Deeper and higher, Cause I've been loved, More than anyone deserves, If tomorrow for some reason, Somehow I could not hear, In silence there'd be music, Of a love that's always here

My Heart Belongs To You - Hayley Westenra

Hold me, touch me, Let the love come rushing through me, I’m yours with every breathe I take, Forever and ever, Hold on to love, Cause deep down that’s what we’re made of, Never let go for my heart’s sake, Cause my heart belongs to you, Don’t give up but just give in, I will always be here waiting for you, Love will see us through

My Heart With You - The Rescues

A tattered photograph my pocket holds, I keep you secretly. I've studied every line. You're etched upon my mind, for not a million soldiers could take you from me. My love, the reason I survive, trust we'll be together soon. Should our fire turn to dark, take my heart with you.

My Love - Westlife

To hold you in my arms, To promise you my love, To tell you from the heart, You're all I'm thinking of, Reaching for the love that seems so far, So I say a little prayer, And hope my dreams will take me there, Where the skies are blue, to see you once again... my love, Overseas from coast to coast, to find the place I love the most, Where the fields are green, to see you once again... my love.

Mystery - Brooke Fraser

Your love endures forever, Your love changes me, Your love makes me whole, makes me better, Your love endures

Never Gone - Backstreet Boys

Never gone, never far, In my heart is where you are, Always close, everyday, Every step along the way, Even though for now we've gotta say goodbye, I know you will be forever in my life, Never gone, No no no, I walk alone these empty streets, There is not a second you're not here with me, The love you gave, the grace you've shown, Will always give me strength and be my cornerstone

Never Gonna Let You Go - The JaneDear Girls

I'm never gonna let you go, I'm never gonna let you walk away, There's not an inch of me that you don't know, I'm never gonna let you go

Never Make You Cry - Eric Clapton

I'll never ever make you cry. I'll never ever say goodbye. Can't you see it in my eyes? I'm yours until the day I die.

Never My Love - The Association

You say you fear I'll change my mind, And I won't require you, Never my love, Never my love, How can you think love will end, When I've asked you to spend your whole life, With me

Never Say Goodbye - Bon Jovi (Title Song)

We danced so close, We danced so slow, And I swore I'd never let you go, Together - forever, Never say goodbye, never say goodbye, You and me and my old friends, Hoping it would never end, Say goodbye, never say goodbye, Holdin' on - we got to try. Holdin' on to never say goodbye

Nobody But You - Gloriana

Steal my soul, steal my kiss, Rock and roll, I can't resist, No, I just wanna dance with you, Take my hand, blow my mind, Do it to me every time, No, and not a moment to soon

Nobody Without You - Nikola Sarcevic

'Cause you're my sunshine, To keep me warm,You're my shelter and my hideout, In rainy days and storm. You're my laugh-line, make me feel new. You give the only love I know, I'm nobody without you.

No Matter Where You Are - Us The Duo

I'll take care of you, and love you just because, You and I are better than forever, Nothing can stop us, I won't let you fall, I won't let you go, No matter where you are, No matter where you are, I'll be there

No Place That Far - Westlife

If I had to run, If I had to crawl, If I had to swim a hundred rivers, Just to climb a thousand walls, Always know that I would find a way, To get to where you are, There's no place that far, It wouldn't matter why we're apart, Lonely months, two stubborn hearts, Nothing short of God above, Could turn me away from your love, I need you that much

Ocean Wide - The Afters

If love is an ocean wide, We'll swim in the tears we cry, They'll see us through to the other side, We're gonna make it, When love is a raging sea, You can hold on to me, We'll find a way tonight, Love is an ocean wide

Oh, It Is Love - Hellogoodbye

Oh, dear, It's been hardly three days, And I'm longing to feel your embrace, There are several days, Until I can see your sweet face, Oh say, wouldn't you like to be older and married with me? Oh say, wouldn't it be nice to know right now that we'll be, Someday holding hands in the end, All our broken plans will have been, I will kiss you soft so you know

One Safe Place - Marc Cohn

Life is trial by fire, And love's the sweetest taste, And I pray it lifts us higher, To one safe place

Only Of You - Green Day

I wish I could tell you, But the words would come out wrong, Oh if you only knew, The way I felt for so long, I know that we're worlds apart, But I just don't seem to care, These feelings in my heart, Only with you I want to share

Parallel Lives - Azizah Rowen

I see you here, You are my dream, The end is near, But time will tell, The leaves have fallen, I could be whole if you were with me, oh, Time will tell

Please Stay - Warren Zevon (Chapter: 138)

Don't leave me here, When so many things so hard to see are clear, I need you near to me, Will you stay with me to the end? When there's nothing left, But you and me and the wind, We'll never know till we try, To find the other side of goodbye

P.S. I Love You - The Beatles (Chapter: 139)

As I write this letter, Send my love to you, Remember that I'll always, Be in love with you, Treasure these few words till we're together, Keep all my love forever, P.S. I love you

Remind Me - Conrad Sewell

When I think about love, you are right beside me, I think about us, you will always find me, When my heart is lost, I know that you'll guide me, I think about all the little things that still remind me

Rest Of My Life - Michelle Featherstone

I don't want to leave, I don't want to be one night, Or one day. So I'll stay the rest of my life, How 'bout that, Waking up every morning with me. Spend our time drinking coffee, Speaking softly as the days go by.

Roses And Violets - Alexander Jean

Days are getting longer, The nights are feeling colder, When we are not together, I'm falling apart, 'Cause all I want is you, And all I need is you, Baby, you may be somewhere else too far from me, Come home soon

Running - James Bay

When the lights are faded to black, Only stars are guiding me back, I'll keep running, To the place where I belong, When you think you're on your own, I'm still coming home, When you think you're on your own, I'm still coming home

Sacred - Victoria Banks

This is no ordinary love, angels are watching over us, nothing on earth is strong enough to shake it, it’s sacred

Safest Place To Hide - Backstreet Boys

I know I promised you forever, Is there no stronger word I can use, To reassure you when the storm is raging outside, You're my safest place to hide

Saturdays In September - The JaneDear Girls

And those up all night Friday nights, phone calls and our goodbyes, Reading and writing love letters, It's hard to sleep in between thinking 'bout you. And me dreaming of being together on Saturdays

Say Goodnight - The Click Five (Chapter: 21)

Baby just say goodnight, I'll be gone tomorrow, Baby just close your eyes, I can't take the sorrow, Baby just walk away. You know I can't stay, There's no easy way to say goodbye, So baby just say goodnight

Say Something - A Great Big World ft. Christina Aguilera (Chapter: 105)

Say something, I'm giving up on you, I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you, Anywhere I would've followed you, Say something, I'm giving up on you, And I will swallow my pride, You're the one that I love, And I'm saying goodbye

Say You Love Me - Steve Grand

What if I say you love me? Could I make it true? We could build us something, That would mean something to you, Cause when I close my eyes, I'm in this world where you don't have a girl, And I'm right by your side, Say you love me, It don't mean that I'll ever have you, Oh, no

Say You Won’t Let Go - James Arthur

When you looked over your shoulder, For a minute, I forget that I'm older, I wanna dance with you right now, Oh, and you look as beautiful as ever, And I swear that everyday you'll get better, You make me feel this way somehow

See You Again - Carrie Underwood

I can hear those echoes in the wind at night, Calling me back in time, Back to you, In a place far away, Where the water meets the sky, The thought of it makes me smile, You are my tomorrow, I will see you again, whoa, This is not where it ends, I will carry you with me, oh, 'Til I see you again, Sometimes I feel my heart is breaking, But I stay strong and I hold on cause I know

Singing Forever - Westlife

You took my hand, long ago, And you've been by my side always, I didn't know where to go, You showed me the way, Ohhh.. who knows what the future holds? Ohhh.. we'll never know

Soldier - Gavin DeGraw

I'll get it if you need it, I'll search if you don't see it, You're thirsty, I'll be rain, You get hurt, I'll take your pain, I know you don't believe it, But I said it and I still mean it, When you heard what I told you, When you get worried, I'll be your soldier.

Soldier - High Valley

Hey hey hey, I'll be coming home to you, You're the burning fire that my heart is beating to, You're like red, white, blue, I'd do it all for you, I'd fight a war and win it; you make me bulletproof, I'll be your soldier

Soldier On - Richard Hawley

As the stars they slowly die, Thunder cracks across the sky, These are the words I've longed to say: Be with me, my love, always, But no our moonlit silhouettes they part and fade, I'm left with a loneliness that has no name, For so long, For so long, I'll soldier on

Song For A Friend - Jason Mraz

As long as you got me, And I got you, You know we'll got a lot to go around, I'll be your friend, Your other brother, Another love to come and comfort you, And I'll keep reminding, If it's the only thing I ever do, I will always love, I will always love you, Yes you

Stand By You - Rachel Platten

Even if we're breaking down, we can find a way to break through, Even if we can't find heaven, I'll walk through Hell with you, Love, you're not alone, cause I'm gonna stand by you, Even if we can't find heaven, I'm gonna stand by you, Even if we can't find heaven, I'll walk through Hell with you, Love, you're not alone, cause I'm gonna stand by you

Start Saving Me - Mike Corrado

Forget the world, start saving me, I'm holding on, I can barely breath, So come on home and rescue me, Save me, I can feel myself breaking down, Piece by piece, Another phone call, My fingers crossed, Come on rescue me, You're half a world away, I'm holding on to faith, But there's only so much, I can take

Stay - Hurts (Chapter: 138)

My whole life waiting for the right time, To tell you how I feel. Know I try to tell you that I need you. Here I am without you. I feel so lost but what can I do? 'Cause I know this love seems real, But I don't know how to feel. We say goodbye in the pouring rain, And I break down as you walk away. Stay, stay. 'Cause all my life I've felt this way, But I could never find the words to say, Stay, stay.

Stay Just A Little - Kina Grannis (Chapter: 138)

It kills me as I lay awake at night, Remembering the last kiss that we shared doesn't feel right, Is it impossible for me to win this fight? Keep you a little longer in my life, Would you stay just a little, my love?

Still Here - Digital Daggers

Every night, I dream you're still here.The ghost by my side, so perfectly clear. When I awake, you'll disappear, Back to the shadows, With all I hold dear. With all I hold dear. I dream you're still here. I dream you're still here.

Still On The Line - Tim McGraw

I just called to hear you breathing, Your last words before you're sleeping, I can't sleep without your body next to mine, Yeah, I know I'm always leaving, Breaking your heart, breaking even, I'm just a number in the middle of the night, But, I'm still on the line, I'm still on the line, I'm still on the line

Surround You - Echosmith

Where ever you are, When ever you need me, Just crawl in my arms, Oh and I'll hold you beside me, I want my love to surround you, I want my love to surround you, And I'll just sing it out, I want my love to surround you

Tangled Up In You - Aaron Lewis

You're the fire That warms me when I'm cold, You're the hand I have to hold as I grow old. You're the shore When I am lost at sea, You're the only thing That I like about me.

That’s How I Like It - Doc Walker

You're mine, you're mine, And that's how I like it, I'm yours, I'm yours, And nobody else's, You're mine, you're mine, You hit me, I felt it, I'm yours, I'm yours, And that's how I like it

The Best Is Yet To Come - Us And Our Daughters

Here's to today, Here's to tomorrow, Here's to our love, From which we will borrow, Here's to forever, To you and to me, Here's to tastin' last time, Cause the best is yet to come

The Best Of Me - Josh Kelley

I got demons all around me, I hear them whisper in the night, Trying to break me down, but they ain't got a prayer, With this angel by my side, They can't get the best of me, The best of me, the best of me, Can't get the best of me, The best of me, the best of me, Cause I got you, cause I got you

The Last Goodbye - Lara Fabian

So just, Close the door, Let nobody else in our head, Close the door, We can lay right here in our bed, 'Cause anything else is wasting time, You're all I've wanted, All of my life, Just let me grow old, Here by your side, Until the end of time, Till the last goodbye

The Promise - Tracy Chapman

Remembering, Your touch, Your kiss, Your warm embrace, I'll find my way back to you, If you'll be waiting, I've longed for you, And I have desired, To see your face your smile, To be with you wherever you are

There By Your Side - The Milk Carton Kids

I wanted to be there, I wanted to find, I wanted to be fair, I wanted to go there by your side, I wanted to be there, I wanted to find, I wanted to tell you, I wanted to tell you, Goodbye

Thinking Out Loud - Ed Sheeran

And, darling, I will be loving you 'til we're 70, And, baby, my heart could still fall as hard at 23, And I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways, Maybe just the touch of a hand, Well, me—I fall in love with you every single day, And I just wanna tell you I am

This Is What It Takes - Shawn Mendes

And if this is what it takes, Then let me be the one to bear the pain. Oh if this is what it takes, I'll break down these walls that are in our way, 'Cause if you don't understand yet, Then I'll never let you forget, That you don't have to do this on your own. I'll be your shoulder to lean on. I'll be your right when you feel wrong. So come on, take my hand, we're moving on.

Through The Years - Kenny Rogers

Through the years, You've never let me down, You turned my life around, The sweetest days I've found, I've found with you, Through the years, It's better everyday, You've kissed my tears away, As long as it's okay, I'll stay with you, Through the years

To Be Loved - Westlife

And you move me with ease, And you rescue me time after time, Oh Oh you give your all, And you take it all in your stride, Oh with all the power of a symphony, That's how my heart beats when you're holding me

I can't conceal, this is how it feels, To be loved by you, Oh yeah, to be loved by you, If everybody knows, it's only 'cause it shows, Because I take your love, Everywhere I go

To The Moon And Back - Luke Bryan

Through the bitter and the sweet, The cold and the fire, Lonely cotton sheets, And the burning desire, Until our song is over, Til the stars all fade to black, I'm gonna love you, To the ends of the Earth, To the moon and back, Yeah, I'm gonna love you, All the way to the moon and back, To the moon and back

Touch - Troye Sivan

Night is young and we're living, Hands move, moving steady, And the time is moving slower, I can feel we're getting closer, closer, Standing in the eye of the storm, My eyes start to roam, To the curl of your lips, In the center of eclipse, In total darkness I, I reach out and touch

Two Soldiers Coming Home - Lori McKenna (Chapter: 141)

When that plane landed, We watched one soldier leave, But the second soldier we never got to see, An army band was playing, By a long black limousine, Two soldiers coming home, Returning to their families, They've been away from the so long, There's gonna to be some flags waving, And some tear stained faces, Oh the journey’s over for two soldiers, Coming home

Unforgettable - Natalie Cole ft Nat King Cole

Unforgettable, that's what you are, Unforgettable, though near or far, Like a song of love that clings to me, How the thought of you does things to me, Never before has someone been more, Unforgettable in every way, And forevermore (and forevermore), That's how you'll stay (that's how you'll stay), That's why darling, it's incredible, That someone so unforgettable, Thinks that I am unforgettable too

Us Against The World - Westlife (Chapter: 43)

Cause it's us against the world, You and me against them all, If you listen to these words, Know that we are standing tall, I don't ever see the day that, I won't catch you when you fall, Cause it's us against the world tonight, We’re not gonna break, Cause we both still believe, We know what we’ve got, And we’ve got what we need all right, We’re doing something right...

What If I Kissed You - Temecula Road

Your eyes, Been dancing to the dashboard, And landing on the floorboard, It's cute when you're nervous, Your hands, Reaching for the dial, Been static for a while, But I don't think you noticed, No, what if I just closed my eyes, What if I lean in first

When I Fall In Love - Westlife

When I give my heart, I give it completely, Or I'll never give my heart, And the moment I can feel that you feel that way too, Is when I fall in love with you

When I Look To The Sky - Train

Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me, And you make everything alright, And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me, And I can always find my way when you are here

When I See You Smile - Bad English

'Cause sometimes it seems like this world's closing in on me, And there's no way of breaking free, And then I see you reach for me, Sometimes I wanna give up, wanna give in, I wanna quit the fight, And then I see you baby, And everything's alright, everything's alright

When The Darkness Comes - Colbie Caillat

I'll be here waiting, Hoping, praying that, This light will guide you home, When you're feeling lost I'll leave my love, Hidden in the sun, For when the darkness comes

When The World Stops Spinning - Kyler England (Chapter: 138)

And the world stops spinning, When the terra firma quakes, When the oceans tidal wave, I would rather die than to ever say goodbye, To you my love, to you my love, I will let you go when the world stops spinning, I will let you go when the world stops spinning, I will let you go when the sun and the stars explode

When You Got A Good Thing - Lady Antebellum

So baby, hold on tight, Don't let go, Hold onto the love we're making, Cause baby when the ground starts shakin’, You gotta know when you've got a good thing

When You Say - Jamestown Story ft. Michelle Rene

I give you my heart to have and to hold, in sickness and health, when we grow old, and if we get lost we'll find our way home, you don't have to worry anymore, I've been waiting for this moment and as long as I'm alive I promise, I'll be here for you when you say "I do"

Where Does The Time Go - A Great Big World

Where does the time go? I don't want this to end, Where does the time go? Let's hang on to the moment we're in, Of all the things we will remember, The good, the bad, and all the blessings in disguise, Today will stick with me forever, Even if we have to say goodbye

Wherever You Will Go - The Calling

If I could, then I would, I'll go wherever you will go, Way up high or down low, I'll go wherever you will go, And maybe, I'll find out, The way to make it back someday, To watch you, to guide you, Through the darkest of your days

Where We Belong - Thriving Ivory

Hold on we're gonna make it if it takes all night, Hearts racing like a rocket at the speed of light, Don't fight it we've been running for far too long, We're going back where we belong, So hold on we got our wings and we're chasing the wind, Farewell to all the places that we have been, And if it takes us all night long, We're going back where we belong

Wild Thing - The Runaways (Chapter: 20)

Wild thing, You make my heart sing, You make everything, Come on, wild thing

Without You - My Darkest Days

If I had my way, I'd spend every day right by your side, And if I could stop time, Believe me I'd try for you and I, And each moment you're gone, Is a moment too long in my life, So stay right here, right now, 'Cause without you I'm a disaster, (The moment you go), And you're my ever after, (Just thought you should know), 'Cause I need to know your answer, (Just say you'll stay with me), I want you to say you're gonna stay with me, (Just say you'll stay with me), I die every day that you're away from me

Worth It - Francesca Battistelli

Love can hear you, Love can heal you, If you let it inside, Oh, remember now, Love's not easy, But it's worth it

Written In The Stars - Westlife

I wasn't meant to love like this, Not without you, ‘Cause when I look at my life, How the pieces fall into place, It just wouldn't rhyme without you, When I see how my path. Seem to end up before your face. The state of my heart, The place where we are, Was written in the stars

You - Keaton Henson

If you must leave, Leave as though fire burns under your feet, If you must speak,Speak every word as though it were unique, If you must die, sweetheart, Die knowing your life was my life's best part, And if you must die, Remember your life

You And Me Song - The Wannadies

Then we watch TV, Until we fall asleep, Not every exciting, But it's you and me, And we'll always be together

You Are The First, My Last, My Everything - Barry White

The first, my last, my everything, And the answer to all my dreams, You're my sun, my moon, my guiding star, My kind of wonderful, that's what you are

You Bring Me Home - Brandon Chandler

And I'm almost in your arms, Just a little too far, You bring me home, You bring me home, And I'm almost in your arms, But I'm just a little too far, Please, please, please don't be sad, I know I've been gone for way too long

You’ll Be In My Heart - Phil Collins

Oh, you'll be in my heart (you'll be here in my heart), No matter what they say (I'll be with you), You'll be here in my heart (I'll be there), always, Always, I'll be with you, I'll be there for you always, Always and always, Just look over your shoulder, Just look over your shoulder, Just look over your shoulder, I'll be there always.

You’ll Be Okay - A Great Big World

'Cause you're never alone, I will always be there, You just carry on, You will understand, You'll be okay, You'll be okay, Just look inside, You know the way

You’re My Best Friend - Queen

You're the best friend, That I ever had, I've been with you such a long time, You're my sunshine, And I want you to know, That my feelings are true, I really love you, You're my best friend, Ooh, you make me live

Yours - Ella Henderson

And I would fight my strength to untape my mouth, When I used to be afraid of the words, But with you I’ve learnt just to let it out, Now my heart is ready to burst, Cause I, I feel like I’m ready for love, And I, wanna be your everything and more, And I know every day I say it, But I just want you to be sure, That I am yours

You Should Be Here - Cole Swindell

You should be here, standing with your arm around me here. Cutting up, cracking a cold beer, saying cheers, hey y'all it's sure been a good year. It's one of those moments, that's got your name written all over it. And you know that if I had just one wish it'd be that you didn't have to miss this. Aw you should be here.

#jonnor #the fosters #jude adams foster #connor stevens #never say goodbye #playlist #the last letter #links

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kurlykayaker · 5 years

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gaping hole

So, FYI - this is not my typical entry. In the long ago past, I tried a combination of writing poetry and prose (kind of stream of consciousness). See how it reads. My confidence in prose is zero. Haha, so if you have feedback (positive or negative), I have open ears. Thank you for reading. the world spins faster in grad school, but the days still feel long the more i stare at a screen/diagram i can feel my neural synapses tangling themselves together to find the right connection, “okay, i see how that works,” a semi-friend tells me “you lead an interesting life” with disdain. lead implies choice, interesting means ambiguous i wonder what it’s like “to be made” with just the right amount of egg, milk, butter, vanilla flavoring and flour, heated to the right temperature range. your mold never left the cookie cutter, you arrived “perfect” to this world, i rarely have negative feelings about my trans male identity these days, i embrace my pansexual orientation, and i don’t hide who i am, but why did i get angry? why am i hurt? why am i frustrated? perhaps the lack of sleep and food does not help, but i can tell you it’s more than just these things, it’s more than just these things. ....(moving to prose) I don’t share everything with everyone. I am selective about what I choose to share - ensuring that there is some level of trust between myself and the other person. I have become very comfortable with my “circle of friends” in PT school, but it has taken so muuuuch time and so many baby steps with all of these beautiful people, and I wouldn’t do it any differently. Even among these friends, there is always some level of ignorance, poor awareness, and ability to understand on their part; note, that I am not angered by this nor upset. It just is - which can be hard for a highly sensitive person to digest. I have traveled, I have walked and learned the ability to keep my heart neutral. Alas, there is emotion that still has to be released. Before I can reach that “well-balanced”/neutral state. My friends do not know the depth that I can feel alone at times - especially when I fail an exam (which does happen), during breaks when most people travel home/go somewhere with their significant other, or sometimes just on a Friday night. I prefer to be among smaller crowds - especially if I drink. The “being alone” is so multi-factorial. - being an ISFJ on the Myers-Brigg scale (not many of us), being very sensitive, having lost my father and aunt to suicide changes you ...being a trans guy (mostly attracted to other men), and add the whole graduate school thing on top. And please do not misunderstand, I absolutely love who I am. I love the beauty and richness it brings to my life, but there are moments - particularly painful moments, being a cookie cutter seems okay...haha I have been dedicated to therapy and found it to be very helpful. For the last 2 years, when I returned to therapy, I have been released twice now been told “I’m ready to fly free.” I went to a drop-in session about 3 weeks ago after failing an exam that I DID study for, haha. Words sometimes stick in my mind, from therapists - like they do for Bible verses from some people. Her words were, “It sounds like you have excellent coping strategies you’re using well..” and just like that, the smile erupts from my face... I know myself well - to know what works well for me, in life. I know that I find incredible meaning from helping others in my career. People freak out when they hear I have 3 part-time jobs, but each one brings SO much meaning to me - that I find MORE meaning in these jobs than what I find in some friendships and even some familial relationships - which is SO sad to admit, but truthful. The random patients I meet at the hospital, am able to interact with, and have organic moments with - mean the world to me. I have friends- and some of them ONLY study, study study - work out, meal prep, and then drink; this is the stereotypical health-related student. I stay up late. I eat unhealthy meals. I write poetry - art, woaaah. I go to dances alone - and dance (without having to be drunk). I don’t necessarily enjoy the parties with my cohort. I enjoy the “awkward conversation.” Things I have had to explain to my mom in the last week despite being out to her for nearly 5 years: a) how a trans athlete is trying to help U.S. states to legally allow trans people to play for the gender they identify with my Mom, “how is that fair? me: Sighs on phone b) what the ACLU is (she teaches ESL) c) that having sex with someone when you first meet them can be intimate (but not in her eyes) - i didn’t try to explain this one d) Re- this conversation was about 4 months ago, but we had a lengthy conversation about how President Trump’s decision to define gender legally as someone’s biological sex essentially is his attempt “to erase trans people.” My whole family - mother, stepdad, and older brothers ALL voted for him. Meanwhile, my Mom, “Well, what’s wrong with that?” me: very audible sigh, *rolls eyes*, and with fire, “REALLY, Mom? Does it matter that I came out to you as a trans guy almost 5 years ago and we had these hard conversations about gender then? Have you forgotten all of that?” Mom: “Don’t attack me. I just....don’t understand. “ me (still upset): “You know...if I don’t stay in this country, you can’t say you didn’t know, because I have explained this to you before. I’ve given you recommended books to help you understand. And, I’ll explain it again but you voted for someone who would prefer for me to use the female restroom. How would you feel Mom, seeing someone like me...in *your* restroom? (She’s fired up now....) The conversation continues. I calm down and explain it to her. I was trying to review some orthopedic information that day, in preparation for my clinical week. I couldn’t study after that- I recall going back to the coffee shop, sitting down and being so fucking frustrated. The feelings sunk in like the weighted Titanic - anger, complete frustration, annoyed, tired, so emotionally tired, alone- very alone, and void of hope. My hands are shaking, I can’t tell if I’m going to cry or hit something. I excuse myself from the coffeehouse, and go home - to cuddle myself in my bed. After my dad passed away and when I got to high school, I was afraid to leave home and go to school. It was a weird stage and feeling to experience at that age because most teenagers want to be the farthest thing from their parent. I later realized - I was afraid that I would come home, after school, and she’d no longer be there in the physical form. It was a rational fear; essentially, that’s what happened with my dad - I went to school (and never really left school) to find he .... was suddenly gone. Essentially, I’m always aware - this could happen at any moment. Despite sometimes my mom’s lack of understanding, I love the hell out of her and put these differences aside (despite wanting to educate her and try to help her understand more).... Yet, these are still things I continue to talk about with my mom - whom I consider VERY close to me. The pertinence of this story is that feeling of being alone. I can spend hours alone - studying, writing, meditating, listening to music and not feel alone. The context of the word is important; I don’t like the word, “lonely.” Lonely in my opinion, carries a connotation of co-dependency, unhealthy attachment, lack of self-resolve (emotionally, possibly mentally) and lack of self-comfort. What the fuck is the meaning of my word, “alone” then? I am comfortable in myself and my independence, but I feel so disconnected from the people around me- from some of my closest friends, from my very own mother, from my classmates. A close trans guy friend of mine, who lives in NC is doing an internship in Ireland; and he jokes that, I should “move there with him” (that’s his plan to move there). Which is a HUGE change; and I don’t normally place great emphasis on where we live. I think that internal happiness and connection is more abstract than that- it’s about a state of mind, and how you see life. But, maybe a change in culture would be healthy for me? That is something, I am unsure of - and don’t have an answer to. I know that when I go to my favorite Latino restaurant in Athens, I feel a sense of connection and love - that I don’t feel elsewhere. The waiters will just talk to me- they’re not in a rush, and I enjoy this greatly. ... The hardest aspect of writing sentences/prose to me is that I feel so academic and feel I need a sound “ending.” Poetry allows me to end the poem with a beautiful decrescendo. You’re not getting that here, haha. People try to tell me that “I’ll find someone” (re: partner) or ...”to just have faith.” I’m not looking to find someone tomorrow or even in 3 years - it’s so much more than being in a relationship. It’s about feeling connected to the people around me. When people provide this kind of “broken record” of a response, I’m tempted to start a conversation with this- the words you’ve been reading, what I’ve been expressing in this entry - but even with people that are close to me, when I’ve attempted, only so much is absorbed and understood. And so this, entry ends with a hole - a fucking gaping hole in which my Mom replies, “That is life, Jordan. Life is hard.” I laugh to myself, “You don’t think I don’t know that Mom?” ....

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blackrosesfanfic · 4 years

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Chapter 217

Trey

I sigh at the thought of April not answering her phone. I glance over to the bed at Cammie sleeping peacefully. I don't know what is wrong with me but even now I have a strong urge to walk away. Leave her looking like everything is alright.

"Yo." Rollie hisses startled. "Fuck you doing standing out here like that?"

"Thinking."

He narrows his eyes at me. "Not thinking of jumping are you? I'm not certified to talk you down nor do I ride your dick."

"My dick?" I frown at him.

"That's all his gay ass heard." He says looking at nobody to his side. He turns to me. "Look, Bruh. I was just saying I don't feel the need to save you."

I turn away from the room door and look out into the city. "Not even a little bit?"

"What's going on with you Trey?"

"Nothing."

Rollie sighs then sit down. I watch him as he takes his time putting his phone down and straightening himself in the seat. He slowly turn his head to me then he pats his legs.

"Come on, son. Have a seat."

"Bitch."

He sits up putting his hands on his knees. "This about you not having a father right? Aye. I got you."

I laugh. "Bitch, you stupid."

"Nigga, I keep finding you in places opposite of where you normally at. Any other normal time you would be in there with my sister. Not watching here through some damn glass like she not your wife. Trying to figure out how to say goodbye? If you not in this marriage I suggest... you know for your kids. I suggest you do it without the cheating and lies that you doing now."

"I'm not cheating?"

He stands up. "Oh no? Most have been someone else room I was turning bitches around from for the past week. Damn, I must have been mistaking. We know that to that woman in there your dick touching any hole on any human or animal alike besides her is that to only way to cheat. You first cheat with your heart. Then your mind lastly your dick. That woman in there is all about the heart shit. It don't matter what your dick does. Aye bruh look. You want some advise, your mama ain't the one to give it to you. You want real advise... you go to that woman in there. The one you fucked over while my guard was down."

"You don't..."

He makes a loud sound. It sounded like a step team chant or something. Like he was about to break out into a dance. He slowly picks up his phone.

"If you want to talk to me we can talk. I'm not out here to fight you but help."

"Rollie you can't even deal with your... what is she?"

He shrugs. "Don't know. You right though. But I ain't the one married. I'm not the one married to my sister."

I frown. "Thankfully."

"What's going on with you?"

"I don't know."

"That's what you were going to say to whoever you calling?"

I scratch my head. "Maybe, I'll go wake Cammie up."

"Damn, I'm that bad to talk to?" Once again he looks at an invisible person for an answer.

"You just going to say what she says. Minus well talk to her."

"Minus well do both. Now let's get your shit together. What are you going to talk to her about?"

I laugh. "You not a therapist, dawg."

"True, my brother but I know my sister."

"I'm going to apologize."

Rollie shakes his head. "What does that mean coming from a cheater? Bitch you gonna do it again. Don't be on defense now. My sister here cause you were talking about killing yourself. Not cause you haven't been home for days."

I shake my head. "I didn't say that."

"Look at yourself. Not shaved, not home with your boys, out here with me, you were sleeping on the balcony my dude. For hours. In Vegas heat."

"Let my guard down." I say turning to her. "She so perfect."

Rollie grabs me spinning me around to him. "She not perfect. She bitchy. She stubborn as hell. She hold grudges like an old elephant. She clingy, broken, and tainted. She fucking loud and rude as hell. Selfish and arrogant."

"But that's okay." I nod.

"Then why you out here, man?" Rollie says walking away. "Hey, Baby."

I turn towards him. "Wha?"

"I was watching the clock. You ready to come to LA now? No, Lee. You and Jordan. Why would I get a house if you said no?" Rollie cuts his eyes at me. He puts his phone on speaker. "What?"

"You heard me. Suddenly you the fucking perfect ass man I been waiting for and I don't believe any of your shit. That's the real fucking problem, Rollie. You fucking change how you talk to me. You want me with you all the time. You used to leave for weeks and the only reason I hear from you is to fucking suck your dick. Fuck I supposed to do believe your shit?" She pauses then starts talking again. "Waiting by the phone for me to wake up and see your text? Like fuck you. All because I'm having your child? What's this sudden change? I only asked you to be safe and not give my child anything. I never fucking asked you for this."

"Did you say you were gonna suck my dick?"

I cover my mouth trying not to laugh. All he does is smirk then straighten his face. This shit sounds way too familiar. She sounds exactly like Cammie. You mad cause he doing what you want him to do? So what do you want him to do?

"What?" She asks out of shock.

"I love you." He says sounding pretty believable.

She sucks her teeth. "Good morning, Ketchup."

Shay laughs. "Good morning, Duck sauce. Ma, are you crying? Who's that?"

"Aye, tell me if you coming?"

"Coming where, Dad?" Shay asks.

Rollie exhales then perks up his whole demeanor. "Hey, Baby. Want to come to LA?"

"Just me?"

"Yeah, if your mama don't want to come. I'll come get you."

"When?"

"Now." He stands up looking at me. "Nigga, don't that shit sound familiar?"

I laugh. "Yeah."

He stares at me. "Man, I got to worry bout you on this balcony?"

"Naw." I say turning to the door. "I got shit to live for."

"Word." Rollie says going back to his conversation with his step daughter. "What's all that noise?"

She giggles. "I was taking all this paper out my new travel bag."

"Flying across the country to fight for someone you fucked over." I say.

He pauses in the doorway. "Too bad she doesn't have a male relative in her life."

I chuckle. I don't know where the actual problem we had between each other suddenly went but I'm glad it has left. I have a lot of genuine friends in my life. Ones that don't go away with the fluctuation of my money or attitude. Ones like Chris. But ain't shit like having a friend that's like the person you love. I didn't realize I needed him to be my friend. I think we officially friends.

Alex

"Aye." Jamaal says walking his happy ass into my damn house without a piece of a knock.

"We don't fucking knock?"

He looks at the door knob in his hand like someone else had opened it. He chuckles to himself closing it back with him on the outside. Nigga you were already in the house. I sigh. He knocks on the door then he opens it looking around it.

"Did I get it right?"

"Jamaal." My father says from outside. "What are you doing? Move."

Jamaal laughs. "She told me to go back outside and knock."

My father pushes his way through the door. "Bunny, you up."

"Father, you fucking called me 5 times within the last hour. Stop being funny or trying."

"Gossip?" Jamaal asks putting a coffee in front of me.

I suck up the stream and exhale like my body really inhaled the caffeine. The smell was just as satisfying.

"Go ahead."

"I'm going to warm your breakfast some, Bunny." My father says headed to the kitchen.

Jamaal sips on his cup. "Guess who has been invited to Cali to hang with stars?"

"That's not gossip if it's you Jamaal."

"Yeah. Me." He says still proud. "Just me... well and my girlfriend."

"You don't have a girlfriend."

Jamaal sips his coffee. "Oh come on."

I turn my lip up. "Move on to the next story."

"I have nothing else. Damn, ask who the celebrities are."

"Oh yeah. I care. Jamaal, honey boo bear, who are the celebrities?"

"Chris Brown. At the beach in Cali. At a private resort. It'sa couple thing but childrenare invited."

I give him a funny look. "Jamaal? Okay, you got me interested. How did you pull that off? Chris Brown has invited you and your daughter to Cali?"

"To hang with him, his girlfriend, and his secret child."

"Shut up. You a lie."

My dad comes up sitting my food in front of me. "Your mother gonna have that driveway redone. Hope it's not ugly."

"Father, just ask. You want me to supervise her?"

"Thank you, Baby. I can count on you if nothing else."

I roll my eyes. "Jamaal... okay fine. I'll go."

"Where?" My father asks.

"To meet Chris' new daughter."

"Chris? He works for me?"

I suck my teeth. "Dad, Chris Brown. No."

He takes out a brown bag. "Say that then."

"You better leave me alone. Why are you both here?"

"I don't know why Jamaal is here. Your mother went to the spa. I told you that. I came to have breakfast with you."

I roll my eyes. "Jamaal came to gossip."

"I came to invite you to California."

"Jamaal, tell me how you got into Chris Brown social circle? With my name?"

He chuckles. "Trey's inter circle involves Cammie. I was asked by Chris."

"Chris Brown said hey Jamaal we having a family fucking get together you are invited. Please."

He drops his phone on my lap. "I knew you were going to doubt me. Read it. Out loud if you want to hear Boss."

"Where is my doll?"

"I'm here. Father. Shut up."

Jamaal: I understand. Family time is important. I promised my daughter a trip to the beach.

Chris: Daughter?

You never said you had a daughter.

Jamaal: It's a touchy subject. I don't let most people in on my life.

Chris: Just collect other people shit.

I'm being generous this week. Won't you bring your daughter to Cali. I have this place. We can talk some business over s'mores.

Jamaal: For sho. Let me know when

"Oh this is fucking fake. What business do you and Chris have Jamaal?"

"My project. I'm not telling you so you can be negative."

"Not working with fucking singers." I snap.

Dad chuckles. "Secrets amongst partners is never good."

Jamaal cuts his eyes at my father then he starts laughing. "It's about basketball. I'm trying to get on his team. Figured I would try my luck with Chris."

"Basketball? You want me to believe this is about basketball?" I roll my eyes.

"Stroll up to the top. I played with him last week. No don't stroll up." He says snatching his phone. "I was being a pathetic groupie."

I laugh. "Pathetic? Yes, I bet so."

"You sound like a young high school kid. And if he gets you to California and says no?" Father asks.

"Doesn't matter right now. I'm thinking about my position on the team. Plus I'll get in good with him. Maybe not good enough to play just yet. Might get invited to some games. You know they schedule these games in advance. Months ahead of time."

I cut my eyes at my father. It takes him a couple of seconds but he looks at me. I mean damn, Jamaal, you sound like a groupie. I'm not going to dare cut his self esteem here. It would be too deep. I smirk at him. He sits down on the couch.

"Jamaal, make yourself at home." My father says. "I thought he was just coming for a moment?"

"Apparently not."

My father raises his eyebrows. "Something else you want Jamaal?"

Jamaal laughs. "Why you still mad that I kicked your ass in putt putt yesterday? Why you bothering me?"

"Trouble in your romance? You two are sad." I roll my eyes. "Is Cammie going to be there?"

"Why would Cammie be there?" My father asks.

I suck my teeth. "Dad, seriously. Shut up."

"I'll ask your mother." He says taking out his phone. "How's the spa? I didn't ask how your sister was doing. I did not even speak. Just tell me why Cammie would be at the beach with Chris Brown. An affair? What?"

"Oh my goodness." I snap snatching his phone. "Woman you know Cammie isn't having an affair. Don't talk behind people like you aren't related to her."

My mother giggles. "Oh hey honey. I was just kidding. He asking me dumb questions. I'm trying to relax."

"Chris is like her children godfather dad."

"How do I supposed to know?"

"She is your niece!" I give him back his phone. "You so phoney."

He chuckles. "Bye."

Jamaal stands up. "Fine. I'll let you count your stupid technicality. Rematch?"

"It's a tie." My father says getting up collecting his trash. "It's only fair we do a rematch."

The men in my life. I watch them as they head out of the door. My father puts on his jacket.

"This week's meeting will be held at the golf course. Don't you want to practice your swing?"

"You play golf?" Jamaal says shocked turning to me.

"Her playing got us into the really nice country clubs around the state."

I make a face. "Take your testosterone with you. Leave."

"She was cool before you came along." My father says leaving out.

"You doing any shopping for the trip?" He says taking out his wallet.

Interesting. "If I were?"

"Platinum is cool but it has a limit. Gold?"

"No limit?"

He shrugs. "Nope."

I take the Platinum card from him. "Discounts."

"True." He says walking away. "Should be 10,000. I know you can spend that on one bag."

"Does it matter?" I roll my eyes.

He leans in my face. "No. Might be 15,000."

"You don't get shit for giving me money. That's a requirement with me."

"Wasn't asking." He says kisses my lips then walking away.

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anonymuseing · 5 years

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To All My Childhood Bullies...

The following is a letter to my childhood bullies but it can be thought of in more general terms. If you've ever hidden or damaged somebody else's shoes in school, or ridiculed them, or done any of these following things in school I want you to know that your actions from then have consequences--not necessarily for you. I want you to know what what you did--whether it was 10 minutes ago or 10 years ago as in my case--it wasn't okay. If you're young enough that it was barely 10 minutes ago I hope you will have the nerve to apologize. Not necessarily to go up to the person you've hurt and say "I'm sorry" but also to vow to do better. An apology is not just the word "sorry", it needs to be followed through with actions. My past bullies would say "I'm sorry" whenever I managed to get a sympathetic teacher to catch them in the act; but the word meant nothing because they'd be back at tormenting me outside of the teacher's view before the end of the school day. "Sorry" isn't good enough and if you've ever taken somebody's pencil case or hidden their shoes or mocked something they were wearing (note that mocking isn't just ridiculing their shirt or accessory, but also drawing attention to what they are wearing and getting other students to snicker at it with you) then you need to stop, reflect, and realize that what you did could have dire consequences. From my experience, being on the receiving end of all of this nearly made me end my life.

For the record, I am not planning anything from this. This is just a letter--it's just a way for me to vent the thoughts and feelings I've had since High School. I currently have no plans to end my life and I am not planning anything against my childhood tormenters. This is literally just a vent-post that I've needed to get off my chest for a while and I don't plan to revisit this or do anything with any of this afterwards. I am currently a University student. I should be writing papers and trying to sleep because I have a study-meeting with a friend tomorrow as well as a few social obligations. I should be writing my paper rather than writing this but the writing muses weren't feeling my term paper and wanted to write this instead. I love creative writing stuff and originally this was a vent-post that I decided to make a little more artistic by changing it into a letter directed at my childhood bullies.

To: "Morgan", "Nowab", "Joshua", "Jeremy", "Cassidy" and "Cara", "Jordan" and "Lindsay", "Ben" and "Ryan":

I want you to know what you have done to me. I want you to know that your actions have consequences. I want you to know that you're the reason the girl you've all forgotten about is not going to attend her 10-year-high-school-reunion. I want you to know that you guys are the reason I did not attend my Jr. High or High School graduations. I want you to know that your words and actions still echo in my head almost 10 years after High School. I want you to know that even though you guys didn't receive the consequences, I still bear the consequences of your actions and behaviors almost 10 years after High School. I want you to know because I want it to stop with our generation. I don't want to hear about teenagers taking their own lives because their classmates mocked them or hid their shoes during PE. I don't want to hear elementary school students crying and whining about not liking school because their classmates are mean to them. It needs to stop because it's not "just a phase" and it doesn't stay in Elementary School. You guys might grow out of being mean people, but the bullied kid never grows out of feeing inadequate or feeling depressed and suicidal.

"Morgan", I want you to know that ever single time I feel insecure about my appearance--whether that's my weight, my complexion, my hair-style, or an accessory I'm wearing--it's still your condescending voice in my head going "is it paper?" as you mocked the origami hairpin I made and was super proud of.

"Nowab", I want you to know that it's still your words "I'm the one that destroyed your construction project" I hear whenever somebody disregards my idea in a group situation. Every time I suggest taking one exit and nobody listens, only to find out 20 minutes later that I had the right exit all along...it's your voice in my head sabotaging my projects that I hear in my head. Every time something I'm working on gets sabotaged or broken it's your voice and actions that ring in my head and that paint-splattered box I left in the construction room overnight. It wasn't paint-splattered when I left it--I had my first coat of veneer on the thing when the bell rang--it was you and your friends that took my project from where it was drying and splattered paint on it and then played hacky-sack with it before you left. The altered dimensions when I had to sand the whole damned thing down to get rid of the paint is what cost me the Construction award that year. Sanding doesn't seem to take much material off...but when I had to sand the thing down 5+ times for every night you managed to splatter it with paint when I was forced by the teacher to let the veneer dry in-class overnight...that's what cost me. The little piece of mis-matched wood that I had to cut to size and glue in as a "key" because you snapped off one of the interlocking parts of the wood--that mismatched piece reminds me every damned day how much I cried in school and want to die. That "key" reminds me of why I don't trust people to watch my stuff and why I people call me stingy or a prude or something because I refuse to leave my belongings unattended.

"Joshua", it's still your voice egging me on every time I feel bad enough to contemplate suicide. It's still your mocking words telling me to carve 'DEATH' into my arm. That was Grade 8 Construction-Design class--we were building card-board boats. You were mocking me with 'DEATH' and being 'emo' all morning before the class, in math and science, and in Construction-Design I finally had enough of your mocking and I took the box-cutter and did exactly what you asked. Well, not exactly. I carved "DIE" into my wrist instead 'cuz I thought "DEATH" was too long and I didn't want to make it obvious to others that I was cutting words into myself. It's still your mocking comments about me being "emo" because of my black hair and depressive attitude that I hear every single time I want to kill myself due to stress in University or whenever something makes me sad or frustrated. For the record, for the people that are reading this and do not know, my hair is naturally black. I'm asian but I was blessed with pale skin. I wasn't trying to be "emo" with my natural black hair--, "Joshua", the rumour of me being emo and wanting to kill myself was started by you. I wasn't 'emo' or 'suicidal' when you started telling everybody I was. I didn't genuinely want to kill myself until your rumors caught the attention of the principal at the school and got the school shrink and a social services officer to follow me around at school and at home. A big part of me becoming sucidal was your fault.

"Jeremy", I know you had a hand in breaking into my locker in 8th grade. I know because you were the one that told me we had matching locker combinations and that you found out by accident. I know that you made me promise not to reveal the secret or have people break into your locker and I respected that. I know that not even a week later somebody broke into my locker and stole my pencil case. I know it was stolen from my locker because the lock was on backwards when I came back to find my case gone. I know for a fact that out of habit I never locked my locker backwards--not even when I was in a rush. I don't know if you were the one to break in and take my stuff, but I'm almost positive you told your friends about the matching combinations and they did the deed. Do you know how hard it was to distinctly color the individual provinces and territories on my map of Canada assignment in Social Studies that day when all I had was a purple pencil-crayon I found on the floor? I want you to try to imagine how hurt I was to see the look of disappointment on the teacher's face that day when I handed in my purple map, each province decorated either with purple pokka-dots, lines, cross-hatching, or some other unique design. He was my favorite teacher in my favorite subject in that school and I still remember his look of disappointment after I handed in the sad map. It hurt because he knew I had pencil crayons of my own. He knew what happened. It was after that event that he opened up his classroom at lunch-time just for me to give me an escape from your jeering laughter. I know you became a star student in High School. You got the highest grades in our year. You graduated with distinction. You were part of the school basketball team. You had so many accomplishments. Heck, when my mother saw your name under most of the categories during our school's Honour's Awards night she mentioned how she wished you were her child. We were there because I had managed to get an Honour that year too. Do you know how much it hurt to hear my own mother be proud of you over me when I knew that you played a part in breaking into my locker and disappointing my favorite teacher? It still hurts knowing that my dead mother was proud of you that night. It wouldn't still hurt if you hadn't decided to be an asshole and reveal our matching locker combinations.

"Cassidy" and "Cara". I know you two snuck my homework out of my un-attended binder when I went to the bathroom. You were doing it to copy my completed homework before the teacher called for us to hand it in. I still remember how you two and your third member sat around me in Social Studies and would kick my chair or whisper mocking things at me all-class. You three are a big reason why I don't socialize or make friends in classes. You three are part of the reason why I don't leave my stuff unattended--even when my friends offer to watch my things. You three are the reason why I don't like sitting in a crowded room and am always near the exit.

"Jordan" and "Lindsay", you're a big reason why I refuse to fall in love or have a crush on anyone more than 10 years after Grade 7. What you two did when you found out who I had a crush on back in Grade 7 is why I refuse to ever act on or share, even to my best friends, who I have a crush on if I have a crush on anybody at all. "Jordan", you farted in gym-class and blamed me in front of my crush. "Lindsay", you found out who my crush was and got the other girls to tease me about it in the locker-room. You also happened to be friends with my crush and told him so and from that day on he avoided me like the plague.

"Ben", I still remember grade 7 when I spent 15 minutes after PE looking for my shoes after cross-country skiing. I still remember you bragging about tossing my shoes in the big dumpster. I still remember climbing into them to retrieve my shoes. I still remember how you and "Ryan" laughed and jeered at me as I clambered into the dumpster to fetch the shoe that had fallen the farthest. I still have the little scars on my knees from when the cardboard in the dumpster scratched me. I still want to cry every time I look at my shoes more than 10 years after what you two did to me that one day.

I know that none of them--"Morgan", "Nowab", "Joshua", "Jeremy", "Cassidy" and "Cara", "Jordan" and "Lindsay", "Ben" and "Ryan"--none of them are likely to remember any of this. I doubt any of them will ever see this or if they do recognize that it's them I'm talking about. I'm the girl that's most likely been forgotten. I'm the person that joined the Yearbook Committee in my final year of High School for the sole purpose of ensuring that my face didn't make it into our Yearbook. I didn't want to be lumped together with anybody. I wanted to ghost myself out of existence even a little. I didn't have the guts to go through with suicide no matter how much I tried, but I managed to "kill" the memory of me by not appearing in the yearbook. I was often the one behind the camera though. To my school tormenters, I want you to know that while you're all a big reason why I wanted to commit suicide, you're also a big reason why I couldn't bring myself to do it. I wanted my death to mean something. I wanted to hurt you all even a little bit as much as you hurt me. I wanted you all to learn something from my suicide--that your actions were not okay at all. I wanted my death to be a message to you and people like you, people that tease and mock and shun, to not do those things anymore. I think I know you guys. I'm pretty sure that it wouldn't matter. It wouldn't have mattered if I had offed myself while we were all in High School. It wouldn't have mattered if I had left your names on a suicide note or had this letter written out then. You guys wouldn't have cared. You guys wouldn't have been affected at all. There wouldn't be any consequences for you and you would have forgotten eventually.

Our 10-year-high-school-graduation is coming up soon. I've decided that I'm not going. I miss our high school. I miss the hidden hallways I spent mornings drawing things in. I miss the safety of eating lunch in a teacher's classroom. I miss the art-hallway. I miss the days when I didn't have to worry about rent or groceries or my dying family. Unfortunately, that school is also filled with the echoes of everything you guys did to me. You all have probably forgotten me. If you guys go to the 10-year thing at all I hope you guys take a good hard look at the yearbook. I hope you all feel creeped out that you don't remember who took the photos you're all reminicing over. It's a stretch, but I hope you remember even a little bit of what you did to me and that you realize High School wasn't fun-and-games to the people you made objects in your fun-and-games. You had fun sticking "I'm stupid" signs on me as I walked out of the school. You had fun stealing my pencil cases and breaking into my lockers. None of that was fun for me. I wanted to die. I still get sad and want to die sometimes when I remember all of that. It's probably too much to ask, but I hope you remember your part in making my life a living hell. I hope you all realize that you're the reason I don't have any good memories of my teen years. I'm sure there were times I was happy then--I'm sure I must have been happy the times my mom and I went out to the mall to kill time on weekends. Unfortunately, all I remember from my teen years is wanting to die and the reasons and people that caused it. Almost 10 years since I left High School and your voices, your words, and your actions still play out in my head and tell me that I'm not good enough, that I have no friends, and that I have no place in life. I still think that I must have defied fate over and over again. I'm looking at my life, my life full of nothing--no friends to rely on, no significant others, and no good memories--and thinking that I missed my purpose. Sometimes at night after a particularly frustrating or sad week of University I lie awake and think that I was actually supposed to commit suicide in High School and implicate you all in a suicide letter. To this day I think that was my intended purpose and everything I've done since High School is me defying fate or parallel universes or pre-ordination or whatever. I hope you're haunted by the possibility that you tormented somebody to near suicide when we were all 14. I hope that you remember me, even though I'm sure you don't. I hope you all feel a little scared when I'm not there at the 10-year-reunion. I hope you all wonder if perhaps I committed suicide somewhere and that perhaps you guys had a hand in it. I hope you feel ashamed and that you teach your kids to do different--to do better. Nobody should spend the half-hour before school contemplating offing themselves in the school bathroom or running away and getting lost and not going home.

#bullying #school #jr.high #high school #kids can be cruel #school life #bullying awareness #vent blog #personal #rant #letter #a letter to bullies #suicide awareness #high school reunion #school reunion

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