#“his trauma isn’t as bad as the other crows’" say that again i dare you

[wylanslcve]

We all talk about how Wylan was abused by his father, but what I don’t see a lot of people talking about is how J*n didn’t even allow his son to grieve his mother’s loss. At that age, Wylan probably would have only started to grasp the concept of death, and he also needed time to process and grieve Marya’s finality - and J*n wouldn’t let him do either. And to make matters worse, Wylan needed his father there for him during that time and instead J*n just gave up on him. He wouldn't even let Wylan talk about his mother and instead expected him to simply suppress his grief because "it didn’t pay to dwell on the past". This would have done just as much emotional and mental damage to Wylan as his father’s abuse and I don’t know why more people aren’t talking about it.

[aysegust]

MOONDUST. - K.B

Pairings: (Kaz Brekker x Reader)

A/N: Hello beautiful people! This was a request back in 2021 and I couldn’t write it. Due to my business in studying and since English isn’t my main language, I wasn’t good in writing that well. I loved the request and I didn’t want it to be bad and recently I started to write again due to ease my mind from the anxious things, I wanted to try and give it a shot. I also put a bit weight into Kaz’s way because I felt that would be more fit for the song and fiction. Hope you like it. Inspired by the song named [Moondust by Jaymes Young]

Request: Hey there dear! I saw your song inspired fic for Kaz with War of Hearts and I loved it. Now I'm wondering if you would do one for Kaz with "Moondust" by Jaymes Young (I'm obsessed with that song lately) in which both him and the reader are in love with each other but they decide to keep it quiet believing that it's the best for the other?

Warnings: It’s all honey and glass

Word Count: 1.242

Looking at you, like a star

From the place, the world forgot

It was a desperate attempt, trying to catch your glance. Kaz, sweared to himself inside, why he was acting this sentimental. Needing to see your face, hearing your angelic voice and to cross his eyes to yours.

Like you were a star, you shone through the bitterness of Ketterdam. Bitterness of his heart. The one thing he admired you about is that you were caring. Whatever Jesper rambles, what Nina wants to eat, Wylan’s info-dumps or Inej’s prayers -even you cared so deeply about what he wanted to say too.

But most of the times, Kaz didn’t share anything. He just stayed silent. However, you were fine with it. You loved to spend time in his silence, it was calming. A mutual understanding was there.

Both of you could relax with each other’s presence.

And there's nothing, that I can do

Except bury my love for you

But Kaz couldn’t be vulnerable. He had to be strong, cold and sharp. The thing about surviving in the Barrel is that you cannot have any weaklings. If you want to rule, you gotta be cold and cautious.

Sometimes as some of the nights passed without your company, he would think to himself. Besides thinking every outcome, Kaz thoughts about you. How, deeply inside his mind, he wants it. He craves your warmth, your affection and your caring nature.

He lived his life in a hell. He lost his family, his childhood. Living his life with a rage that’s just surround his every moment. With vengeance. Always having his guard on. It was tiring in some way.

His enemies thought the weak spot of him is his limp. They weren’t smart or Kaz’s just too cautious to hide the real one. It was you.

But he never showed it. Every heist, every dinner with Crows, all the sessions of your hangouts, he never showed it. He buried into his chest and never dared to admit anything.

As in the other hand, you understood him. In every action he took, what was the motive behind that.

Living in the Barrel and growing up without a stable home and family wasn’t surprising. In addition to that, the traumas buried under the grounds of Barrel.

The first time you realized he may care for you in a different way. After spilling you his past, he trusted you. That night a bright feeling of anger sat inside your chest and you wanted to protect him. What a conundrum.

Unfortunately after that night, as you also let yourself be vulnerable to him, the other day came and you both pretend that night was never really happened. For the sake of the surviving.

Sometimes, most of the times actually, you wanted it. You would’ve wanted to try. Be brave for him, like a lover. But in these circumstances, it was impossible. If you two met in another life maybe, but in this life, ot was just impossible to act on it.

I long to hear your voice, but still I make the choice

To bury my love (to bury my love)

In the Moondust

A week passed after the petty argument inside his office. He was pissed after an unsuccessful heist. The results of the heist cost the loss of money and Inej got hurt, you got hurt. Under his watch, you got hurt.

Kaz went insane. He was extremely violent as he saw you and Inej got hurt because of the hired Grisha’s in Ketterdam.

As you went to his office later that night, you wanted to talk to him. To explain him that you are alright and everything is going to be alright, he lashed out on you. About your optimism and your carelessness.

Which wasn’t true. You were careful, he knew it. He was pissed because seeing you hurt, he had seen it before but those times he hadn’t realized he was in love with you, this time he knew it. The fact that he tried to shut it out, to bury it out. So he was pissed because he almost lost himself and terrified, Kaz Brekker got terrified. Unlikely of him, wrongfully so.

So, you felt hurt after his accusations and you also got angry with him and the two of you argued.

A week passed. As the of you didn’t hold a conversation. Kaz longed to hear your lovely voice. Your rambles, your gorgeous eyes. However, whenever that thought crossed his mind, he closes his eyes momentarily and try to focus on his work and bury the thoughts of you again.

He was dark, crooked and full of vengeance. Opposite to him; you were like a star. You were kind, elegant and you make things around you better. He wasn’t like that, he was destructive while you were constructive.

Nothing can breathe, in the space

Colder than, the darkest sea

His nightmares came to present again. Haunting him as everyday wasn’t just enough but haunting him into his dreams were cruel as always.

He could feel the Jordie’s lifeless, cold hands gripping his collars. Acting like madly and shouting at him about the past, he was feeling to lump on his throat and the uneasy feeling inside of his body. His hands trembling, his head is foggy and the paralyzing feeling of the touch of skin just makes him want to die. To end his suffering.

But he wouldn’t he just couldn’t.

I have dreams about the days

Driving through your sunset breeze

Because you as Jordie pulls him into the water, you on the other hand help him to breathe again. You came into his dreams, after sleep deprived for days, the only time he drifted off to a nap, it filled with you. You were looking at him with your soft eyes. Your warm smile and your blissful laugh.

You waltzed into his dreams so smoothly and it helped him to sleep for couple hours without waking up in a drenched with sweat.

Yeah, I'm living far away, on the face of the moon

I've buried my love to give the world to you

Maybe in another reality he could’ve held you closer but as like the two of you agreed in a silent way that not acting on what you feel to each other was the of protecting each other.

Kaz Brekker and Y/N L/N had to be careful. Surviving in the Barrel wasn’t easy not when you two had enemies, unfinished business and haunting ghosts from the past.

Nina protested it in a way. She was the one who saw it in the first place. She could her Kaz’s heartbeat as hearing your laughter. It was beating fast. Or whenever he entered the Slat, you would directly look at him and your heartbeat, well, it was beating too fast.

She never understood why you two kept it from each other and why the two of you don’t chase the true love but it was a conversation for another day.

You and Kaz maybe didn’t act upon it but what the two of you felt was real. It wasn’t negotiable and it was pure.

The thought busied him throughout the nights. So he promised himself after he got his revenge on Pekka, he would come for you. He would be a better man for you. He would be more for you, he would try so hard to earn you.

[fushipurro]

Red Lights Red Flags

Chapter 3 - Shadows

<- Previous Chapter | Masterlist | Next Chapter ->

☆ Content: 18+ MDNI, f!reader, ronin!toji, courtesan!reader, jjk historical au, mentions of murder, past non-con, forced prostitution, degradation (not by toji), pet names, trauma, angst, mutual pining

☆ Word Count: 2k

A week has passed since the rumors began and yet, still no sign of Toji. Not just him either, no member of the Zenin Clan has stepped foot in the brothel and it was beginning to drive you crazy.

You sat there at your window, eyes wandering the streets below for anyone that looks remotely similar to Toji. All the while in your head, thoughts ran rampant over whether he was safe or worse, if he grew bore of idle chatter with you.

There really isn’t much reason for you to think that, but we can’t control our intrusive thoughts. The longer this goes on, the worse it’ll get. All you can hope is that your answer will come soon enough.

Among the many words in your head, you can’t help but remember Shion’s words.

“Are you falling in love?”

Your body melts into the windowsill, head buried in your arms. “Oh Shion, I think I already am…”

Toji on the other hand has a perfect view of your form from where he stands, watching you long from your window like a princess locked in her tower. It hurts him to see you like this, so he keeps his presence hidden.

But why?

Toji knows he wants to see you again, hear your voice, know if you’re okay. He’s been wanting it more than you can possibly imagine, but what if you knew the truth?

Sure, he told you he’d kill those men for you, but words are words. What would you think when you find out about the blood on his hands, beyond those four torturing souls?

You.

The woman who has bared witness to the horrors man are capable of; hurt one too many times and still trying to live. He doesn’t want to add to your suffering so he finds himself questioning if protecting you from the shadows is the path he should take to ensure your survival.

Since acquiring the title of Marigold, you’ve become more respected in the brothel, no longer the low-ranking fledgling from before. The quality of your clientele now is a plus, and with Shion vouching for you, life isn’t so bad.

While admiring the moon from your window seat, the doors to your room slide open with a shrill voice filling the air, “So let me get this straight… you stole my favorite customer, and then chased him away? Is that it?”

Begrudgingly, you bow to the woman. “Botan.”

“Save the pleasantries,” she spits. “Don’t think you’re special now that you were given a name on your collar. You’re just a glorified weed.”

Her insult is rich considering she’s the one who told you to “remember your place,” and the fact that she has a flower title as well.

“I’m willing to bet you couldn’t even please him properly with a body like yours so he had to run off to some other brothel.”

Instead of picking a fight after what happened last time, you held your ground with as best a calm expression as you could. Toji’s resting face, in all its glory.

She scoffs, “Nothing to say? No matter. You won’t make it far anyways with that witch watching over you.” A sadistic smile tugs at her lips. “I’ll have the joys of plucking your sorry ass out of here when the time comes.”

In that moment, you swear you could hear the cawing of crows outside your window, much to Botan’s dismay at such… unusual timing. She huffs out of annoyance before storming out of the room.

Later in the night, you had a brand-new client. A young, inexperienced guy with a fresh paycheck to splurge who thought a brothel was the perfect place to go.

Don’t need a trained eye to see that much.

He currently sits upright on a floor cushion, eyes trained to the floor with his cheeks red as could be. You wonder if he’s here on a dare or coercion since he did arrive with a few other most likely coworkers.

“S-so uh– what… happens now?”

Inexperienced and timid. Better than most clients, that’s for sure.

“What would you like to do? I can feed you, sing, dance, whatever you’d like for the allotted time.”

An audible gulp can be heard from the man, and you can’t help but feel reminded to how you were the first dozen times you’ve had to deal with clients. Going through the whole spiel has gotten easier in time, even if you’re just auto-piloting it while your brain shuts down.

…Maybe this can work in your favor?

“Master?” You move closer, fluttering your eyelashes.

“Y-y-y-yes?” He gulps again.

“I was wondering… could you tell me about the outside? Any rumors you might’ve heard?” You tap your finger against your chin, offering a salacious smile. “It might help in getting you to relax.”

He’s taken aback, brows knitting in confusion. “Huh? Rumors?”

“Haven’t you heard? There’s someone going around murdering people. It’s so frightening,” you say all nice and coy. You feel bad teasing him like this, but if this is how you get your up-to-date information, then so be it.

“Oh… right, those rumors.” His expression morphs away from nervousness to that of awkwardness. “They haven’t caught the guy yet, but now they’re saying the men killed were troublemakers around here. Only four have been found though, all killed in the same night and in the same exact way.”

You’re nearly certain this was in fact Toji’s doing, but that doesn’t answer the question of why he hasn’t shown up yet. Sure, it’s scary to think how capable of a killer he is, but what do you expect from a samurai? He hasn’t done you any harm. There has been plenty of chances to do so, anyways.

The rest of the time with the stranger is thankfully uneventful. He calmed down a lot but ended up chickening out of anything sexual in favor of a nice meal and chitchat. Unlucky for him, but better for you.

At least now you have the chance to gaze out the window once more before your shift comes to an end and sleep can consume you. Something draws your eyes to an alleyway across the street, and you find a moonlit shadow fading to black before you’re able to even register what you saw. Your first thought is if that was Toji, and that alone causes you to sigh and sink into the wooden frame.

From the darkness of your mind, Botan’s words come back to haunt you. Was it you? Are you the reason he won’t come by anymore? You used to never be conscious of yourself until the day you became a courtesan.

It’s plausible there’s some other explanation for everything. Toji found you at your weakest and took away something that hurt you. Maybe he just treated it as contract like any other samurai for their master. Maybe you’re just overthinking it given your trauma.

Your father didn’t love you enough, why else would he choose to sell you to an awful way of living where every day you’re degraded for every little thing. Every detail about yourself, everything you do wrong. At the end of the day, are you worth enough to be loved?

You pull away from the window as the sun peaks over the horizon, shutting it closed before wrapping yourself up in your futon. If these sheets could act as your chrysalis, then maybe there’s hope for you to one day blossom into a beautiful butterfly.

…

“You’re in some deep shit now, Zenin.”

“Fuck off, Shiu. They deserve worse than what I did to ‘em.”

The brown-haired man sighs, taking a drag from his pipe. “Maybe you’ll regret it when you hear what your clan has decided.”

“I don’t give a shit what they have to say,” he growls in response.

“You could’ve at least tried to make it look like someone else. It’s obvious to anyone who knows you.”

Toji ponders for a moment, ultimately sighing as well out of frustration rather than empathy. “Yeah, well this would’ve happened sooner or later. I’d rather it now.”

When evening rolls around, you had already been notified to prepare yourself and Shion for the guests of honor.

The Zenin Clan.

Shion’s already good to go, but she’s requested to do your hair for you. It’s as if she knows it’s just what you need to help keep you relaxed.

“Hey Shion?”

“Yes, dear?”

“Do you know anything about those men who were killed?”

She closes her eyes and hums, her pace with the brush not faltering once. “I believe you already understand everything there is to know.”

“So it was them…” you sigh, “Do you think Toji will be here with them tonight?”

“I do not,” she replies, tucking a few stray pieces of hair back. “Do not let it distraught you, my little Marigold. If I were you, I wouldn’t let worry consume you.”

Little late for that one, you think to yourself.

After everything’s done and ready, you and the other members of Shion’s garden follow closely behind, posturing yourselves before the esteemed clan of samurais. “Welcome, Masters,” you all chant in unison.

The men take their respective seats, and while there’s no sign of Toji, your stomach flips at the sight of Botan and her garden. Every courtesan had their place, and sadly you were relegated to a new face from the clan, a child.

Who even brings a kid to a brothel?

The Zenins spend their time drowning in liquor, chatting away over typical nonsense and goals for the future. Eventually, the atmosphere settles to an uncomfortable silence. So silent you could hear a pin drop.

One of the lanky men clears his throat, “We’re really going through with this, aren’t we?”

“Of course, we can finally be rid of that stain for good,” replies a man triple the size. Your eyes widen at the incoming threat, knowing full well who they’re discussing.

“Seems like a waste of money to set up a bounty on his head when we could just do it ourselves.”

“We’ve tried that before and it didn’t work,” an older man speaks up. “This is the right way to avoid any questions towards the power we hold over the people. We don’t need to dirty our hands dealing with him.”

“Toji cannot be allowed to spit on our family name as he pleases. Should’ve had him killed before he came of age.”

The bottle you hold slips in your grasp, spilling a few drops near the child at your side.

“Watch it, whore,” he spits, surprisingly more venomous than you’d expect for a child. “This robe costs more than your pathetic self.”

You drop yourself into a bow, “I’m terribly sorry, Master!”

The other Zenins shoot you a cold glare for interrupting them, all while Botan can barely contain her cruel self from laughing. Shion redirects the attention of the clan head, and the rest settle in time. For the rest of the night, your thoughts are an unrelenting blur, covering up the voices of the room until all it is just noise.

Does Toji even know about this? His own family wants him dead and is putting a bounty on him? Where the hell are you, Toji!?

You felt more nauseous than ever, practically sprinting back to your room the moment you could. You slam the door shut, falling to the floor, and tucking your knees to your chest. No longer are you able to hold back your tears from freely falling.

It doesn’t matter to you anymore why he stopped showing up, if anything, you just want the chance to warn him so he can escape and live.

A cold breeze picks up throughout the room, drawing your eyes to the wide-open window and the snow-covered ledge. You wipe your eyes with your sleeve, walking over to shut the opening.

Darkness fills the room in the absence of light, but as you turn away, a shadow creeps forward that causes your heart to leap from your chest until a familiar voice calls out your name.

“Did you miss me?”

☆ Notes: slow burn pining :) next chapter gonna have a little spice to it

☆ Taglist: @fandomtrash5092 @catmania-choco

[thebadgerclan]

SFW Alphabet: Kaz Brekker

Requested by Anonymous

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

With his fear of touch, it takes Kaz a while to be comfortable with physical affection, but he slowly gets there.  It starts slowly, with him holding your hand with his gloves on, putting an arm around your shoulders and waist, then holding your hand without the gloves, kissing your forehead, cheeks, and eventually your lips.  After a few months of working through his fear, he’s open to holding you for longer periods of time.  Kaz wants so badly to be physically affectionate with you, but with his phobia, it’s slow going, but he does get there

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

Kaz doesn’t really do “friends”, more like allies.  But to have him as an ally, someone you knew you can rely on, that carries a lot of weight in the Barrell.  If you ever find yourself in a tight spot, you know you can call on Kaz for help, and he’ll be there, usually with a few other members of the Dregs

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

Like I said in A, physical affection is something that you and Kaz have to work towards.  But once he’s comfortable with cuddling, it easily becomes one of his favorite things.  He likes to spoon you, his arms around your waist, nose buried in your hair, legs entwined.  Kaz also likes it when you lay facing him, your head buried in his chest, his hands rubbing your back.  He might not admit it, but on bad days, whether with his leg or his phobia, he loved being the little spoon, letting you hold him close and shut out the outside world

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

Kaz does want to settle down, but with the Dregs, it’s not really a possibility.  So you settle for sharing a room and spending every night in each other’s arms.  But you do talk about what your future will be like when Kaz eventually gets a big payout from a job: a mansion, fancy clothes, a massive diamond ring (that’s Kaz’s addition).  He cooks well enough to keep himself alive, but to be honest, he’s not the best

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?) I feel like he’d be really cold and practical about it, but he’d cry when he’s alone.  “This isn’t working, Y/N,” he says.  “We can’t be together and work together, pick one.”  Once he’s alone in his room at the Slat, he breaks down, knowing he just lost the only good thing in his life since Jordie

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

Kaz fully intends to marry you, once he has enough money for a proper ceremony, one that meets every single one of the dreams you’ve had since childhood.  He gets you a simple ring, a small diamond on a silver band, and asks you to marry him.  It’s a simple proposal, but it’s romantic all the same.  “Y/N, darling, I love you more than anything else in this world.  Marry me, please, my love, make me your husband.”  He proposes after 2ish years of dating, well after he’s gotten over his fear of touch (with you at least)

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

Kaz has a reputation for being ruthless and violent, but with you, he’s sweet, tender, and unbelievably gentle.  Once again, once he’s over his phobia, his touch is always gentle and tender.  He never raises his voice at you, he never even thinks about hurting you.  You are his treasure, worth more than any amount of money (and when I say “over his phobia”, I mean he’s comfortable with touching you, I know that he has deep seated trauma that will never go away.  But, in my opinion, Kaz is able to work through his trauma and work towards being able to touch his girl),

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

Again, after working through his phobia, Kaz LOVES hugs.  Your arms are a sanctuary, a place where he can ignore the hustle and bustle of Ketterdam, work from the Crow Club and the Dregs, and anything that’s bothering him.  He’ll often come up to you and pull you into his arms, chin resting atop your head.  His hugs are warm and safe, you know that when you’re in his arms, nothing can hurt you

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

After about 8 months, Kaz is at the point that he’s able to hold your hand without his gloves.  You’d been so patient and understanding with him, and he took your hand, risking pressing a kiss to the back of it (something else he’d recently become comfortable with was kissing your cheek and forehead).  “Thank you for being so patient with me, Y/N, I love you so much.  My girl, I love you.”

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

Kaz gets jealous very easily.  If anyone gets too close to you, he’s on edge.  Even if it’s Jesper, who has little to no interest in any female, Kaz still is jealous.  He comes to your side, either taking your hand, putting an arm around your shoulders, or pulling you flush against him (depending on where he’s at in terms of working through his trauma)

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

Tentative at first, when kissing is new to him.  Light, short pecks on your forehead and cheeks, before progressing to your lips.  Then they linger for a few seconds, mainly on your lips, and eventually, he gets to the point where he wants to kiss you every waking second, lips on yours until he nearly passes out.  Once he’s really comfortable with kissing, his kisses are passionate, the love he has for you palpable in the inches between you.  Kaz likes to kiss you basically everywhere: forehead, cheek, nose, lips, neck, other intimate areas ;D.  He likes to be kissed on the cheek, jaw, neck, lips (duh), and his hands. You’re one of very few people who get to see and touch his hands, so having you kiss them makes his heart flutter

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

Honestly, he hates them.  I mean, remember what he said to that little girl in Crooked Kingdom?  He just doesn’t like them, there’s not much room to elaborate on that.

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

Most mornings, you wake to Kaz’s lips against your temple, his arms around your middle.  “Good morning, my love.”  He is loath to get out of bed in the mornings and leave your embrace, but he’s got a club to run.  Even so, he’ll spend an extra 20 minutes or so just holding you, soaking in your love and presence (This is all after he’s comfortable w/ touch, btw)

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

(Same as above, after Kaz is comfortable w/ touch)  Kaz tends to work late, so most nights, you have to drag him to bed.  You wrap your arms around his shoulders, kissing his neck.  “Come to bed, Kaz.  It’s late.”  He’ll sigh, moan about how much work he has to do, but he;ll let you herd him into bed

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

A loooooooooong time, both in regards to physical touch and the trauma he’s been through.  You know that he’s been through a lot, and you don’t push him, because you know that Kaz will tell you when he’s ready.  And sure enough, he does.  Slowly, he tells you about Jordie, the plague, how Rollins swindled him, everything about his past.  Time is your best friend in a relationship with Kaz

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

In general, fairly fast, but with you, he’s hardly angry.  On a job, Kaz can’t afford to be too patient, when he needs something, he needs it now, and he’s not afraid to do whatever he needs to get it.  But you’re a different story, with you, Kaz has endless patience.  He might snap at you at the start of your relationship, but he always apologizes immediately afterwards.  Love is new to him, so he needs you to be patient as well.

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?) Kaz has the memory of an elephant, he has to with the jobs he does,  So he remembers every single thing you tell him, important or not.

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

Cliche, but the first time he kissed you.  Kaz was finally comfortable enough with that level of intimacy, and he’d removed his gloves, cupped your face in his hands, and kissed you, a long, sweet, lingering kiss.  He cried, but they were happy tears.

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

You’re dating the Bastard of the Barrell, Kaz is insanely protective of you.  Whenever you go somewhere without Kaz, he has a few members of the Dregs trail you, at a distance, just to make sure that if something happens, you’re protected.  But if he can, Kaz goes everywhere with you, you on his arm, glaring at anyone who might dare cross you, as if to say “Hands off, she’s mine”

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

Kaz leads a busy life, so proper dates don’t happen all that often.  But when they do, Kaz goes all out, he books a reservation at the best restaurant in Ketterdam, roses, expensive wine, the works.  Other date type things are like a private dinner in his office and simple gifts, like candy and things you’ve mentioned you want

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

It’s not a bad habit, but it’s definitely an obstacle in a relationship: his haphephobia.  He can be a little rough around the edges, and he’s pretty resistant to the idea of a relationship until he realizes how hard he’s fallen for you

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

Kaz is always dressed and groomed immaculately.  A fitted three piece suit, his hair slicked back, fedora, leather gloves, shoes shined to a mirror gleam.  He takes pride in his appearance, he came from nothing, and he’s built a little empire for himself, and he’s damn proud of it

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

At first he thinks he wouldn’t, but then there’s a job that goes south, and you get hurt, and I’m talking badly hurt.  Life-threateningly bad.  Nina patches you up in seconds, but you’re unconscious and weak for a few days.  Kaz doesn’t leave your side once, his hand clutching yours.  “Please, Y/N,” he begs to your sleeping form.  “Please be alright.  I can’t live without you.  I love you, Y/N, I love you so much.  Please, wake up, my love.”

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

On your 9 month anniversary, Kaz got a third tattoo.  Above the crow and cup, next to the capital R, now resides your initials

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

Kaz cannot be with someone who doesn’t respect his boundaries.  If you take his hand without thinking before he’s alright with it, but release it immediately and apologize, he’s shaken but alright.  But if you do it and don’t let go or don’t apologize, it’s a massive dealbreaker

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habits of theirs?)

Kaz has trouble sleeping in storms, the rain reminds him of the tide on the Reaper’s Barge.  But cuddle him and he’s out like a light

[welllpthisishappening]

Welllp These Are Books: the April 2021 Edition

I did not read Romeo and Juliet this month. I read a bunch of other books. Like, a bunch. More than one series. Because Big Bang burnout is real and grown adults missing their deadlines is a real good way to stress me out. So, I read a bunch. Good books, very bad books, books that caused limbs to flail. For positive and not-so-positive reasons. Naturally, all those reasons must be shared. Under the cut with occasionally long and rant-prone reviews, as well as spoilers. Beware of spoilers under the cut. Please keep telling me what to read, internet. My library wish list is almost comically long now.

GIVE ME ALL THE WORLD BUILDING AND SNARK AND FIGHTING! WITH MAGIC! AND SWORDS! IT’S MY FAVORITE THING IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD!

Shades of Magic Series by V.E. Schwab

Kell is one of the last Antari—magicians with a rare, coveted ability to travel between parallel Londons; Red, Grey, White, and, once upon a time, Black. After an exchange goes awry, Kell escapes to Grey London and runs into Delilah Bard, a cut-purse with lofty aspirations. Now perilous magic is afoot, and treachery lurks at every turn. To save all of the worlds, they'll first need to stay alive.

— Picture it, approximately twelve forty-seven am. My husband is asleep. I am reading. The second book in this series ends. And I say, right out loud, at what might now be twelve forty-eight am, HOLY SHIT IT JUST ENDED. Justin thought we were under attack. No man has ever snapped awake quicker. He was not pleased. At least not in the same way that I was about these books. Which I goddamn LOVED. Loved. The world building. The magic. The banter. Rhy and Kell’s relationship. Once more. RHY AND KELL’S RELATIONSHIP. Which I might have cared about more than the romance??? Maybe??? I cannot get over how good this world building was. I know people have quips with it, and that’s fair. I saw the “twist” coming in the first book, and I think trying to preserve that left some plot holes that are understandably frustrating. Because Lilah definitely needed depth perception to fight as well as she did. Also did Schwab really refer to her as a cross dresser in her author’s note? Yikes. She wore a dude’s jacket, like—c’mon V.E. Other than that though. I loved it. Also shout out to @peglegsjones for suggesting this one in my 2020 post and call out to me for taking so long to read it.

Six of Crows by Leigh Bardugo

Ketterdam: a bustling hub of international trade where anything can be had for the right price—and no one knows that better than criminal prodigy Kaz Brekker. Kaz is offered a chance at a deadly heist that could make him rich beyond his wildest dreams. But he can't pull it off alone. . . . A convict with a thirst for revenge. A sharpshooter who can't walk away from a wager. A runaway with a privileged past. A spy known as the Wraith. A Heartrender using her magic to survive the slums.  A thief with a gift for unlikely escapes.   Six dangerous outcasts. One impossible heist. Kaz's crew is the only thing that might stand between the world and destruction—if they don't kill each other first.

— I’ve talked about how little I cared about anything that happened in Shadow and Bone before, but I kept seeing gifs of the Crows in the Netflix show and my brain was like: huh, I could like them. So, after some help from the very helpful internet, I’m happy to report I do in fact like them. At one point, I slunk into the couch. Like that’s how overcome with emotion I was. Kaz ripped a dude’s eye out! For Inej! Matthias loved Nina’s laugh! I would like to hug Jesper. Seriously, this hit all my high points and world building and banter and I lol’ed at “scheming face.” I would like my hold to come through faster on the sequel.

THEY DID NOT CALL INTERMISSION HALFTIME AND MY COLLEGE EXPERIENCE WAS WAY DIFFERENT THAN THESE KIDS

The Off Campus Series by Elle Kennedy

Hannah Wells has finally found someone who turns her on. But while she might be confident in every other area of her life, she’s carting around a full set of baggage when it comes to sex and seduction. If she wants to get her crush’s attention, she’ll have to step out of her comfort zone and make him take notice…even if it means tutoring the annoying, childish, cocky captain of the hockey team in exchange for a pretend date. All Garrett Graham has ever wanted is to play professional hockey after graduation, but his plummeting GPA is threatening everything he’s worked so hard for. If helping a sarcastic brunette make another guy jealous will help him secure his position on the team, he’s all for it. But when one unexpected kiss leads to the wildest sex of both their lives, it doesn’t take long for Garrett to realize that pretend isn’t going to cut it. Now he just has to convince Hannah that the man she wants looks a lot like him.

— The first book in this series was free on Amazon. So, I read it. And really liked it??? It was so chock full of cliches and badly written tropes and Garrett probably should have accepted that Hannah didn’t want to go out at the start, but like—he was cute? And as we all know I am TRASH™ for stories set in the same verse, so, like, I just kept reading these trashy college hockey books. Trashy is a compliment here. God, these kids had so much sex. So much. An incredible amount, really. I once had a guy tell me he was physically attracted to me, but not emotionally attracted to me in college. Like, that was my college experience. The first and second books were the best, I think. I didn’t really like Dean that much.

MAYBE IT WAS BECAUSE HE WAS A RABBI???

The Intimacy Experiement by Rosie Danan

Naomi Grant has built her life around going against the grain. After the sex-positive start-up she cofounded becomes an international sensation, she wants to extend her educational platform to live lecturing. Unfortunately, despite her long list of qualifications, higher ed won't hire her. Ethan Cohen has recently received two honors: LA Mag nominated him as one of the city's hottest bachelors and he became rabbi of his own synagogue. Low on both funds and congregants, the executive board of Ethan's new shul hired him with the hopes that his nontraditional background will attract more millennials to the faith. They've given him three months to turn things around or else they'll close the doors of his synagogue for good. Naomi and Ethan join forces to host a buzzy seminar series on Modern Intimacy, the perfect solution to their problems--until they discover a new one--their growing attraction to each other. They've built the syllabus for love's latest experiment, but neither of them expected they'd be the ones putting it to the test.

— Ok, I know that sounds bad. Again, I’m a creature of predictable habit and this was the sequel to The Roommate, which I absolutely LOVED last year. But where as the relationship in that one was kind of swoony, this one was...I don’t know, really. Everyone was a well-rounded character and the plot was good, but there was this semi-invisible something that made it difficult for me to get fully on board with the whole story. Honestly, it might be because he was a religious figure?? Also, they got together real quick. Like zero to sixty in twenty-six seconds flat.

I KNOW IT’S BAD, IT WAS BAD AND YET—I CANNOT STOP READING IT???

Too Wild to Tame by Tessa Bailey

Sometimes you just can't resist playing with fire . . . By day, Aaron Clarkson suits up, shakes hands, and acts the perfect gentleman. But at night, behind bedroom doors, the tie comes off and the real Aaron comes out to play. Mixing business with pleasure got him fired, so Aaron knows that if he wants to work for the country's most powerful senator, he'll have to keep his eye on the prize. That's easier said than done when he meets the senator's daughter, who's wild, gorgeous, and 100 percent trouble. Grace Pendleton is the black sheep of her conservative family. Yet while Aaron's presence reminds her of a past she'd rather forget, something in his eyes keeps drawing her in. Maybe it's the way his voice turns her molten. Or maybe it's because deep down inside, the ultra-smooth, polished Aaron Clarkson might be more than even Grace can handle . . .

— Last month I read the first book in this series and it was absolutely ridiculous. This one even more so. The Clarksons are still on the road trip (sans one sibling because she fell in love in a week in the first book) and Aaron was, like, not a root’able character? Very Edward Cullen I’M A BAD GUY, BELLA vibes and his relationship with Grace was so strange. Super rushed again, obvs. Meeting in the woods is weird enough. Professing love forty-eight hours later is decidedly unbelievable. Also there was a kidnapping involved? I totally put a hold on the next book in the series.

COME UP WITH DIFFERENT TRAUMA, I DARE YOU! OR NO TRAUMA. WHAT A CONCEPT!!

The Trouble With Hating You by Sajni Patel

Liya Thakkar is a successful biochemical engineer, takeout enthusiast, and happily single woman. The moment she realizes her parents' latest dinner party is a setup with the man they want her to marry, she's out the back door in a flash. Imagine her surprise when the same guy shows up at her office a week later -- the new lawyer hired to save her struggling company. What's not surprising: he's not too thrilled to see her either after that humiliating fiasco.

Jay Shah looks good on paper...and off. Especially if you like that whole gorgeous, charming lawyer-in-a-good-suit thing. He's also infuriating. As their witty office banter turns into late-night chats, Liya starts to think he might be the one man who truly accepts her. But falling for each other means exposing their painful pasts. Will Liya keep running, or will she finally give love a real chance?

— I had such high hopes for this one. Which is on me, I guess. Because I didn’t hate this one, but it was...not great. Maybe I’m just getting old and crotchety but I am BEGGING romance writers to come up with different trauma for their female protagonists. Not every woman has to have been assaulted to rationalize their current personality. Doesn’t have to happen. Like, ok, yes it does happen. Far more than it should. But that’s an entirely different story, and I am so tired of female characters getting absolutely destroyed by their past only to have that be their defining characteristic for so much of the book. Until a nice man they were initially mean to shows up and he’s UNDERSTANDING and he CARES and it’s just, bleh. It’s bleh. Tired and predictable and I’m over it.

IN WHICH I SHOULD HAVE LOOKED AT THE COVER

Much Ado About You by Samantha Young

At thirty-three-years old Evangeline Starling’s life in Chicago is missing that special something. And when she’s passed over for promotion at work, Evie realizes she needs to make a change. Some time away to regain perspective might be just the thing. In a burst of impulsivity, she plans a holiday in a quaint English village. The holiday package comes with a temporary position at Much Ado About Books, the bookstore located beneath her rental apartment. There’s no better dream vacation for the bookish Evie, a life-long Shakespeare lover. Not only is Evie swept up in running the delightful store as soon as she arrives, she’s drawn into the lives, loves and drama of the friendly villagers. Including Roane Robson, the charismatic and sexy farmer who tempts Evie every day with his friendly flirtations. Evie is determined to keep him at bay because a holiday romance can only end in heartbreak, right? But Evie can’t deny their connection and longs to trust in her handsome farmer that their whirlwind romance could turn in to the forever kind of love.

— Ok, so I had had this book on hold for so long that I genuinely forgot about it and forgot who it was written by. Samantha Young wrote that one book that I called the worst book I had ever read. Only I did not realize that when I started reading this one. So, you see how this sets us up for disaster. Because this book was a disaster. Everyone was goddamn annoying. And whiny. Shit, everyone whined. About everything. Also, the actual writing was atrocious. I am not usually one to be like “men can’t write,” but at one point I told both @shireness-says and @optomisticgirl that this book must have been secretly written by a man because no woman writing it would be so obsessed with pointing out where her cellulite was. Like, what??? Also the first sex scene? Oh my God, I laughed. Guffawed. The so-called love interest literally asked: “Are we going to have sex now?” And then they just did. It was so bad. Also there was a dog? Who went everywhere with the so-called love interest. And they just never explained that? I thought it was going to be part of some crushing and depressing backstory. Nah, he was just there.

HOLY SHIT THIS WAS SO DUMB I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS WAS A BOOK! A BOOK MEANT FOR YOUNG ADULTS! WHAT IS YOUNG ADULT???

The Queen’s Secret by Melissa de la Cruz

Lilac's birthright makes her the Queen of Renovia, and a forced marriage made her the Queen of Montrice. But being a ruler does not mean making the rules. For Lilac, taking the throne means giving up the opportunity to be with love of her life, the kingdom's assassin, Caledon Holt. Worse, Cale is forced to leave the castle when a horrific set of magical attacks threatens Lilac's sovereignty. Now Cal eand Lilac will have to battle dark forces separately, even though being together is the only thing that's ever saved them.

— Remember last month when I was like: can’t wait for my hold to come through on this sequel so I know what happens? What an idiot. THIS BOOK WAS SO DUMB I CANNOT BELIEVE IT WAS A BOOK. As always in my rage-induced rants, no apologies for spoilers because seriously do NOT read this, but Lilac (legit, that was her name) married some other dude but just kept fucking Cale??? Like she had a secret door? So he could come in and they could fuck?? I just—oh my God. So, all these things kept happening. Magic and bad stuff and horses were killed. Lilac’s mother was the absolute WORST. Honestly the most worthless character who at one point was like “well, my story is over, guess it’s time to leave,” and then just left?? Forced Lilac into a marriage of alliance and no love and then everything evil was defeated in point two four seconds. It happened so fast I wasn’t even sure it happened. So, then I’m like, ok, how are Lilac and Cale going to end up together? Because this is YA and that’s how it’s supposed to work. Only her being married and that marriage requiring an heir is something of a rather large hurdle. Don’t worry! Remember when Lilac and Cale were fucking? Everyone totally knew. Including the king Lilac is married to. Who is somehow like...ok with this? And tells Cale that Lilac is pregnant. ISN’T THAT WONDERFUL! Sure, because now they can lie and claim its the king’s heir. ONLY IT’S CALE’S KID! AND CALE IS COOL WITH THIS! His entire internal monologue during this is about how he realizes he might not ever be able to tell his kid he’s their father, but he’ll be around and that’s good. Wait, what??? But there’s more! Not only is Lilac having Cale’s kid, but the king she’s married to is in love with one of Cale’s spy associates. So the king and the spy are going to go hang out (and presumably have their own kids) at one castle and Lilac and Cale are going to go to another. Lilac and the king never get divorced or annulled or whatever. Everyone stays as is and married as is and—they all live happily ever after? This was presented as a good ending, I swear. What the shit, guys, seriously.

[sideblogformindtrash]

CW: NSFW no-con, abusive relationship dynamic, reluctant whumper, physical abuse, emotional abuse(?), mentions of death, murder and trauma; grabbing; swearing, screaming; mentions of breaking bones/restraints. 

Y’all want more random oc whump with no context? Also this one was supposed to be part of a VN plot that I scrapped bc was nervous about letting people actually see it, so It branches out a lot all the time and I kind of just reunited the pieces I liked more for this part. Sorry it’s long and angst. Also not pet whump, they just have dumb animal codenames ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

…Crow reaches the building reception. It’s darkish in there, as the only light comes from the setting sun. This part of the building does not receive electrical power. Most of The City doesn’t, anwyay. He is about to leave, but notices some movement behind him.

He turns abruptly. Bunny is standing on the base of the stairs. Crow clenches his fists. Bunny is not allowed to leave their apartment. On the other hand, he was one sneaky little bastard. He wouldn’t have noticed him if he hadn’t intentionally made noise.

“What the hell are you doing here? I told you not to leave the apartment.”

“Yeah I… I know.”

“Than what the hell are you standing there for? Run back upstairs before I beat you and drag you there myself.”

“No, just… Just listen.”

Listen. Crow crosses his arm and stares, a face that says ‘better be worth it.’

“You shouldn’t go outside today.”

Bunny is struggling to make sense of his own words. Crow lifts an eyebrow.

“Because…?”

“It’s just… I feel something bad will happen to you if you go out.”

“…And why would you care? I’ve given you plenty of reasons to not give a fuck about my safety. Thought you would be happy if I died, actually”

“NO!” It’s a half scream, as he goes down the last two steps of the staircase “I don’t want anyone to get hurt. I don’t want you to die!”

…He doesn’t want anyone to get hurt. What a fucking joke. When Crow closes his eyes, he can almost see her again, her head cracked open on the pavement. One moment she was there and then… Gone.

“Yeah now you care about us.”

Bunny shakes his head, looking at the floor.

“I never wanted it to end that way.”

“You are a fucking liar, that’s what you are Bunny.”

“It’s not… I didn’t knew. I swear.” Little tears starting to form on the corners of that pretty face “Won’t you ever forgive me?”

“Maybe when you learn to raise up the dead.  You are seriously upsetting me. Go back upstairs. Now.”

“No!” He dares “I-I might not be worthy of forgiveness but I am trying to help you now, please.”

“Yeah, sure you are.”

“Please… Can’t you see I just… I want you to be safe?”

“I don’t know? Can’t you see I’m about to punch your stupid face if you don’t get out of here?”

“…Fine. You are right anyway” Bunny clenches his fists and puffs his chest, as if that could make  him look threatening.  “I do hope you fucking die!”

…He must have noticed the sparkle that lit up Crown’s face, showing that he had gone too far. Immediately he cowered again, and turned to run upstairs. Crow advances like an arrow, covering the distance between the two and blocking his path.

Bunny changes direction before Crow could grab him and tries to run outside. Again, Crow only need a moment to be over him,, this time grabbing his wrist and throwing him against the reception desk.

“N-No! Stop it!”

Bunny tries to push him away, so he punches him on the stomach. He gasps, out of air, but keeps trying to fight. Grabbing him by the hair, Crow pulls his head backwards until he lets out a cry. He tries to claw at Crow’s hands, only to get punched again.

“Just stop struggling, you’ll only make things worse on yourself”

He is mostly immobilized now, and starts to hyperventilate. He pulls his face as far from Crow as he can manage… And gives up, letting his body go limp.

“P-please…”

Crow nuzzles at his neck and runs his tongue through it, giving kisses and bites.

“Crow… Crow don’t…” He tries again “C-Can we just… Later… Please. I’ll… I’ll do it later just not-“

Crow pushes him further against the table and pulls his shirt off. He sobs a bit, while Crow slides his hands down his pants.

“Not like this. Not when you are angry…” sobs “Not just because you want to hurt me.”

Just because you want to hurt him. As if that would make him feel any better. Slowly, Crow lets go of him. They stare at each other for a moment… Bunny pushes Crow and runs out the door.

…Just like that he is gone. Crow pulls his legs closer, into a hug, silently staring, wondering if he should follow. Can’t even feel angry about this just… Numb. After a while, Crow gets back on his feet and lay down on the old sofa of the reception, a cloud of dust lifting once he falls there. Everything is dark and silent now.

He closes his eyes, hoping to dose off and get a break from his thoughts. Maybe he had really gone too far. He tried to remember what it felt like to be the one getting hurt. He had promised his younger self that he would be better than those people. That he would be a hero. What a fucking joke.

He wondered if that was an idea he had brought from the Crystal World. His home. The only thing he had left of that place was a tiny statue of a crow and that stupid City Patch, where he had come from. No one else had ever come from there, he was the only one of his kind. All alone.

Memories of childhood among huge crystal spires, ever-changing colors and cold breeze nurse him to sleep.

The feeling of being watched wakes him up again. Eyes in the dark watching him, Bunny nervously holding his shirt.

“So… You will break my legs now?” He asks, nervously twisting the fabric.

“Huh?”

“…Coyote said I’d have my legs broken if I tried to run away again. That I’d be chained to the wall.”

“Hm. Yeah, no. You came back.”

The first time it happened, Coyote had broken one of his arms. He was by far the most aggressive and vicious of the group. Crow was too angry, too sad and too lost to care, and just let the man do about anything he wanted to Bunny. But nowadays… Well, he was keeping an eye on them so that it wouldn’t go too far.

Crow sighs. He felt apologies were worthless, but…

“I guess you really wanted to help me this time, for some reason. I pushed you to it. I’m… Hm, I’m sorry.”

“I…” Bunny looks down “Thank you.”

Crow signals for Bunny to come closer. Reluctant, he does. Crow pulls Bunny over him. He flinches, but…

“I’m not going to hurt you. Just… Just stay with me. Please.”

Bunny nods, and let’s himself rest on top of Crow, laying his head on the man’s chest, hearing his heart. They both stay together as stars appear on the sky, silence and stillness cover that world like a thick dust.

“Crow?” Bunny says finally “You…. You still want to have sex?”

“That… wasn’t the point. You were right. I only wanted to hurt you.”

“I know…” he sighs “But it’s okay now. I think. Or… are you still angry?”

Bunny lifts his head, Crow pushes away a lock of hair out of the tear-stained face.

“I’m… Always angry I guess. Not at you just… At everything” Crow sighs, not wanting to hold eye contact “You don’t have to do it.”

“… Not being angry… Doesn’t mean you have forgiven me”

He leans his head on Crow chest again, quietly weeping. Crow pets his head. No, he hasn’t. But his forgiveness wasn’t worth much of anything anyways.

“The worst isn’t that you hurt me Crow” he whispers “The worst part is that I feel like I deserve it. You think so too, don’t you? You all do. But I can’t fix what I did.”

He sits over Crow, now trying to wipe away the angry tears.

“And later you regret hurting me or something and try to act nice to appease your consciousness or something, and I’ll believe you because I’m so desperate for things to get any better! Shit… You… You are doing that right now, but tomorrow will be the same shit all over again because just like everything on this stupid fucking planet, time is standing still. And there is no way for this to change because I can’t undo what I did.”

Crow tries to hug him again, but slapping Crow’s hands to the side, he falls into a much more desperate cry, hiding his face on his hands.

“I… I wish you’d love me again. Like you did before all this”

Crow’s chest tightens a little. Back then… things indeed seemed much better. And Crow did love him, and so did Ferret. But that’s what made the betrayal so much worse.

“Why would you want me to love you, I’ve done nothing but hurt you… For months now”

“Everyone has hurt me.” His sobs turn to screams that cut the heavy silence of that world “My entire fucking life I’ve been thrown around by people who didn’t care about me beyond whatever they wanted to use me for. But you are the only one that made me feel like can’t live without you… And I fucking hate you for that.”

Bunny cries louder, gasps for air and eventually… Calms down. Crow waits, patiently, lost in thought.

“…I hate myself for it too. I wish I could bring her back. I wish I hadn’t fucked up the only good thing I ever had. But I can’t”

“Bunny… Do you want to leave?”

Bunny frowns, eyes red from crying. He cleans the tears, and thinks for the longest time.

“If I say I do… Will you really let me leave?”

Crow nods.

“…No… I don’t. But you know that already, don’t you? If I wanted to go… I wouldn’t have come back”

“Did you come back because… Because of the things you just told me?”

“Yeah. I guess. But also… Where would I even go?”

And that was the question that plagues everyone on that City, all struggling for shreds of normalcy that had been stolen from them by some cruel trick of the universe.

He seems so tired, standing there, chest moving slowly, the pale skin marked by bruises. Crown envies him for his looks, skin that is still soft and not completely covered in scars like his own.

“…You and the others… Are the closest I’ve had from a family in years. And it hurts because I still love you.” He shakes his head “… I wish you would love me back or… Or just hate me all at once. I’m just so… So tired of having you toy with me like this.”

Bunny lays down again, head against his heart.

“You think you could ever love me again, Crow?”

Crow stares away into the ceiling. Loving him again meant taking responsibility for the pain he caused him. For every. Single. Bruise. Every. Single. Tear. And more importantly, never ever doing it again.

…It meant forgiving him.

“It’s too much to ask for, isn’t it?” Bunny seems to be shivering, fighting his tears again “I get it. But… Is it okay if I pretend you still do? At least… At least maybe now?”

“Yeah” Crow says, wrapping him on a tight hug “For now, is okay if you do.”

[lareinemarie]

Devin’s View Regarding The Dynamics of Black Women/White Men Relationships

The following is from Quora regarding the racialized dynamics of interracial relationships.

Devin Tomas studied Bachelor of Health Science at Virginia Commonwealth University (2018)

I guess it depends on what type of black woman you are referring to. For one, although there are patterns in black peoples preferences, Black women are individual people and are not a monolith and all black people don’t all act as a congregate so you will always be able to find someone who is not what is perceived. Also I’ve noticed there are differences between dating preferences of lets say Africans, Afro Latinas, Afro Caribbeans and African Americans because of different cultures and histories. Even within the same black ethnicity you have people who stray from the norm and regardless there are some who date white men of every culture but I understand you are asking in general. As an African American male who has grown up around black women and girls including my mom, aunts, sisters and love interests and current girlfriend, I have heard different reasons that I can share. This isn't to say all black women refuse to date white men as I know a few who do or at least try it, but it is true in general in my experience they don't or are hesitant to. I can honestly only give you honest answers about African American women so I will be speaking of more specifically black people who are descendants of slaves such as Afro Americans and Caribbean. So here are a few reasons I have heard:

Bad History:

Black women who are descendants of slaves have lived in America in a white male dominated society with direct and personal contact with them for centuries many times against their wills. Them being seen as both black and women, has led to a lot of oppression and dehumanization of black women at the hands of white men historically in ways that permeated the cultural norm of society sometimes so much so the attitudes are taken on by all people and men in American society including sometimes black men. During slavery besides the fact they weren’t considered human and tortured or killed, white male owners often sold the child of black women or black women themselves with complete disregard of her or her families relationships. She and her own children were merely property of white men and their households, including sometimes the very children the master may have fathered himself with the slave.

They were also frequently raped or used as concubiness as an exotic and different choice from white women white men were used to. And this was regardless of if she was married, young, committed to another man or simply uninterested in him. This is how the stereotype of the Jezebel woman came to be applied to black women. They were readily accessible to white men in ways that made them oversexualize their bodies meanwhile still seeing them as lesser.

They were also taking care of the home including the children of white women and men meanwhile she and her children are not given the same privileges, even if the master was sleeping with her. This you could say was the beginning of a lot of the beef between white women and black women as many white women resented the slaves if the husband slept with or favored them causing violence towards slaves by white women or wives. While all this happened black women couldn't defend themselves by resisting the advances of the master as she was simply his property and not human by law, which could in turn lead to violence from those same men's wives. You could see how this may have started some resentment in the minds of black women as she was supposed to fulfill the masters needs yet the master may refuse to protect her showing how little he valued her.

Even after slavery ended black women were stereotyped by white male dominated society to be seen as objects whose mere existence is to satisfy the needs of men(including sometimes black men). There were frequent rapes or coerced sexual encounters during reconstruction and the Jim Crow South(which I must point out that there are people alive today who lived through that, my own father experienced Jim crow as well as thousands if not millions more) that are very well documented that often times went unpunished. Their bodies were and still are merely seen as objects of sexual gratification meanwhile they were dehumanized and although white men could partake in their bodies, black women couldn't partake in the same privileges as white people, men and women alike, enjoyed. It was apparently a rite of passage in the south in certain areas to sleep with a black women which goes to show the lack of agency they were viewed as having as they were only seen as sexual objects. This happened so much the average African American has around 15 to 25 percent autosomal European dna which was introduced primarily via slavery. On top of that we know its almost entirely traced through a male line as about 25 to 33 percent of Y chromosomal dna(derived from y chromosome which makes men men in the womb and is passed down from solely father to son originating from one or a few male ancestor(s) of a certain region thousands of years ago. This chromosomal marker does not change regardless of how much overall autosomal DNA is inherited from somewhere else. You can be almost entirely African with mostly recent African ancestors but because one ancestor from generations ago was from Europe a man may carry the European marker on his y chromosome) of African American men is traced back to Europe meanwhile the female line through mitochondrial dna( same premise as y chromosomal dna except it is found in the mitochondria and is passed down to sons and daughters from mothers) is entirely African. This isn’t to say that all of black women and white men sexual encounters were forced or undesired, but enough of it or so much of it was that it left a permanent scar in the minds of black women in black culture even up to today. Some will argue this happened in the past and doesn't affect today, but the trauma and duration of these events lasted for so long and were so severe it affected the culture of America and shaped each different cultures identities and preferences.

A quick example of how this plays out today is a female professor i had who shared with me a story of how different cultural upbringing will put on display how different people view situations. She explained she went to the doctor because she scabbed her knee when she was a young girl and on that particular day she was wearing a dress. When she went to his office she saw her doctor was an older white male she was only a little worried at first until she sat down he flicked her dress up without her consent as if he was comfortable doing that with her. Now this seems harmless to most other people maybe and im sure the doctor didn’t have any ill intentions(or i would like to hope), but she felt uncomfortable because of how she felt men in general, but more specifically white men, viewed black women as simply easy access to sexual gratification who should not dare resist his advances.

There are tons of other reasons that fall under bad history but in short the relationships white men have showed black women over how they value them or what they value them for have historically not been the best making black women hesitant and speculative of white men's intentions when they pursue them. I think the combination of all these things over the centuries happening created an attitude of disdain towards white men from black women.

2. Cultural Differences

This is probably the biggest reason honestly anyone, not just black women, is hesitant to date outside their own culture or race and why people of all cultures or races tend to stick to their own when given the opportunity. Simply put its easier. We all like to believe love conquers all and knows no color and it sure is a cute and inspiring catch phrase that I wish was entirely true, but dating, marriage or whatever especially long term requires you to be engaged in the very personal and cultural aspects of your partners life. If those cultures clash too often it presents problems in the relationship. Unfortunately black and white culture in many aspects clash and can be polar opposites on certain issues and perceived notions white people might have about black people makes it a no go for many black people but more specifically for black women as dating someone who is doubly privileged as white and a man can potentially present a few challenges. Not to say these challenges can't be overcome but it takes work.

These cultural differences manifest themselves in seemingly minute ways or micro aggressions but they are enough to make a relationship end, I’ve even experienced this as black man myself and have seen it over and over again in relationships where people didn’t address the cultural differences before getting in a relationship. As black people, we generally view our race as deeply ingrained in our experience and culture because of how we are treated in society because of it. From our politics all the way down to our music race is a part of our existence. As a white male, racial issues are not something you may have to deal with or think about as much as a black person let alone a black woman. There are certain things she may be passionate or sensitive to as both a woman and black person that white men might think is either completely wrong or not a big deal. Shoot as a black man there are things i have to be mindful of as the only difference being a man i can't imagine being both white and a man. The relationships I’ve seen work long term between white men and black women the white man was usually sensitive to race issues or grew up around black people making him cognitive of what is acceptable. If not however most black women will run for the hills. Or I have noticed the black girl may for whatever reason have grown up around non black or white people and take on their culture and beliefs making the racial divide easier to get over. However both of these are the exception. The differences can be anything from how hair is perceived, what kind of music you listen to, politics, spirituality, your extended family and the age old debate of who can or cant say the N word. I know shocking right? Small things such as what is presentable hair? Does braided hair look “ghetto” or not “presentable” to the white partner? When the black girlfriend experiences racism or feels uncomfortable because of something that happened to her will he try to understand or will he shrug it off and tell her to stop bringing race into everything? When she decides to change her hair a certain way that doesn't fit the white beauty standard will he make a negative or positive comment about it? Does he know you do not touch black people especially not black women's hair? All of these can be major issues in relationships with black people in general but especially for women.

In short though it falls down to this. Other races of men but especially white men may struggle with understanding them. I even feel this way as a black man towards other races of women. Other races of people might be able to sympathize with you but they can not empathize. Another race of men may be able to feel pity or sorrow for a black woman but may not be able to empathize because they do not have the experience of growing up with black moms sisters or friends on a personal level making them unsure of what to do when racial conflicts arise. This is ultimately a turn off for many black people men and women as again race is deeply ingrained in our experience.

3. Fear

Another reason which I’ve heard from many black women is that they simply fear that white men may never understand them or make the effort to try to. Or that they simply don't value them enough outside of a fetish or booty call. There is something scary physically and emotionally about letting your guard down to someone who has been apart of a group of people that for the most part have historically seen you as lesser. All it takes is for a black girl to hear one somewhat racially charged statement about black people from a white guy and she could be turned off to them completely. There is also fear that the white partners extended family or parents might not approve of your relationship or even that her family won’t approve( you would be surprised a lot of black people are actually against their child bringing a white person home but more specifically for a black women to do so it seems for some reason) And I’m sure we've all heard the stereotype of how black women are supposedly the least desired woman in America and no one wants them. So there is also the idea that white men simply aren't attracted to black women so there is no point in entertaining the idea.

4. Simply Not Attracted

As I previously mentioned most people tend to want to settle down with or are more attracted to people who have a lot in common with them. The vast majority of black women i know are mostly attracted to black men and the same goes for black men( contrary to popular belief). I grew up seeing women like Nia Long, Brandy, and Meghan Good on movies i enjoyed as well as being around black women a lot in my life so i am attracted to black girls mostly. I think the same goes for black women as they grow up seeing a lot of black artists or movie stars that are more so a reflection of them or look like their fathers or brothers or other men in their circle. They look up to who look more like them so they tend to be attracted to them. I have also heard a lot of black women want children that are black and look like them. I think black women tend to like darker skinned people with black features as well. These are things such as dark skin, big lips, curly hair etc. I remember when i was really young it seemed like light skinned was seen as attractive in both black guys and girls but as i age i see more and more black people trying to practice what we call “self love” or “black love” with us embracing darker skinned people in our communities who are often times neglected or seen as lesser. So i think there is a desire now to really want to be with people who are black that have somewhat of a similar culture to them which is why they don’t date white guys per say. I will say the black girls I've seen date other races of people the men tended to be either darker than white such as Latino or Asian or someone who was somewhat exposed to black culture.

On the flip side, most white men I know also prefer women within their own race and when they venture outside their race tend to choose Asian or Hispanic/Latina women. With that being said, I think it is safe to say most white men don't think of black women first in general when they think about dating interracially. I think a lot of white males preferences in body type differs from black women as well. It seems to me in white culture and many non black cultures women are supposed to be small quiet and petite or tight. This is why a lot of white men like Asian women because they are seen as all of those things. Black women are seen as curvy thick , outspoken and voluptuous. All of these are stereotypes of course but its the stereotypical image people have in their heads unfortunately. Of course there are white men who are attracted to black women as you can find attractive women of any race, but i think the average white man will chose an attractive Asian woman over an attractive Black woman. I think a lot of this has to do with simple preferences and also part of it has to do with I know a lot of white men who believe stereotypes about black people women included, so they never entertain the idea unless a black woman pursues them.

On another note, in 2018 in America there are still very racist people around in ever gender, culture and even age group. Many white people I know simply are not comfortable with dealing with all the stares and shame they may get from their relatives or other white people in society so they tend not to date outside their race on average. This is especially true for bringing home black people as again often times our cultures clash with white culture and this can lead to excommunication from the white family. I know plenty of interracial marriages or relationships which involved a black partner( and this isn’t exclusive to white people btw this includes Asians, Hispanics etc) where once the family found out about the relationship the practically cut off all ties with the white person and all though i know that shouldn't happen the reality is most people don't want to be separated from their family. Unfortunately our society sees black people as very negative in many aspects so bring a black person home can strike up various feelings and emotions in non black families especially those that don't have a lot of experience or exposure to black people outside media. Now this isn't to say if a very attractive black woman approaches him he won't entertain the idea, but in general I think most white people are hesitant to date a black person whether they want to openly admit it or not.

I will say though i know plenty of white people men and women, who are attracted to black people, but they would never get into a long term relationship with a black person especially if it means bringing them home. For instance maybe when they are away for college or going on a trip away from the family. Most people can say they are attracted to people of other cultures and races either physically or socially, but the attraction is not the only thing that influences dating and marriage choices. When in college I knew of plenty of white men and women who slept with black people but the vast majority of them would not date them out in the open or commit themselves to a long-term relationship. There is stigma with them dating black people just like there is a stigma for black people dating white people. They may run the risk of being called a “n***er lover” or a “mudshark” or “damaged goods”. I’ve had white women approach me sexually plenty of times in college but when i saw her out and about she would act like she didn't know me. I think the same is true conversely for black women in many cases. And if you are a black person who knows this you may not want to even entertain someone who doesn’t want to be seen out in public with you so why even entertain the idea. Now again, there are obviously acceptions and there are people who couple up who are of different races. But as i mentioned this is what i have noticed for myself and from other black women.

All of these are reasons I’ve heard black women typically don't date white men. A lot of it is fear and pride from both sides but a lot of it is they simply aren't attracted and to be honest, there is nothing wrong with that. I prefer black girls and have my reasons I could never see myself dating a white woman and black women have their reasons for not preferring white men. But I think if the white male is sensitive enough to listen and try to understand her or learn and realize there are certain things he needs to understand about who she as a black woman and what is and isn't okay, the relationship will be fine and more black women would be open to the idea.