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elleaitch22 · 3 days ago

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Love on Fire

Chapter 7: Peanut, Forever Carried in Love

Pairing: Paige Bueckers x Azzi Fudd

A/N: This was so hard to write omg. I think it is a mix of sleep deprivation, the gravity of the content, and the hope that I can honor those who have experienced miscarriage. I hope you love it! xx Elle

Warnings: Pregnancy loss, grief, medical discussion, therapy,

Word Count: 4.1k words

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When Paige and Azzi finally left the hospital the next morning, Paige didn’t take them home. Her parents were kind enough to rent them an AirBnB for the next week. They didn’t want Azzi to have to come back to the place she’d lost her baby so soon.

“Where are we going?” Azzi questioned quietly after thirty minutes.

“Dad and Katie set up a house in Phili so you can relax.” Paige said, squeezing her thigh. “I already let Carol and Sarah know. They said you can’t come back until the 17th.”

Paige was expecting her to say something about not being able to stay away from her bakery for two weeks, and when she didn’t say anything, she got a little more concerned.

She was going to do everything she could to help Azzi get back to her normal, happy self.

Azzi didn’t say anything for the rest of the drive, just sat back and watched the trees blur until she fell asleep.

The reservation was a small cottage on the outskirts of the city. The sleepy little neighborhood looked like something out of a Hallmark movie; orange leaves dusted the sidewalks and fall décor graced porches. It was the kind of place she could see Azzi raising a baby.

Paige turned the car off and looked next to her. Azzi was deep in sleep, tension wasn’t present on her face for the first time in days, and the blonde said a silent prayer, thanking God that she could get a reprieve in her slumber.

God, she is so beautiful, Paige thought. Blue eyes traced the gentle roundness of her nose, the fullness of her cheeks, and the perfect pout on her lips. Azzi Jazlyn Fudd was proof that God existed.

She let herself look for a few more seconds before sliding her phone into her pocket and getting out of her truck. She went to unlock the front door and wasted no time looking around the rental. She just left the door cracked a little before heading back to her car.

She opened the passenger door, slowly to make sure Azzi wasn’t distrubed. With a soft click, she was able to free the woman from the seatbelt. One arm went around her back. She pulled gently until Azzi’s face met the space between her neck and shoulder. Her free arm went under her knees, and she slowly pulled her out. She took slow, gentle steps, making sure she didn’t jostle Azzi’s body too much. After she laid her best friend on the couch, she released a breath she didn’t realize she was holding.

Paige walked around the house until she found a small reading nook that looked comfortable enough for her to curl up on and catch back up with life.

She pulled her phone out and went to her messages. Her notifications were flooded.

Support Staff (Unpaid)

Paige 💜: made it. thanks again!

Katie 🌻🥧: Of course, baby!

Katie 🌻🥧: There’s a delivery with clothes, toiletries, and groceries. It should be there in an hour.

Pops 🛠️🏡: Katie and Tim came over today. Do you want us to tell them?

Paige 💜: would have to talk to her first

Paige 💜: she’s sleep. not gonna bother her. will lyk tmrw

Pops 🛠️🏡: Drew and Mari?

Paige 💜: they’re fine. just tell them not to tell jose or jon til i talk w her

Katie 🌻🥧: Will do! We’re thinking of you always. Call if you need anything!

She closed out of her the group chat with her parents and switched to the one with Caroline.

Carol ✨: just checking in. miss our girl

Paigey 🤪: made it to res. will keep you posted

Then, it was on to the chat with the most unread messages. She sighed deeply, not even wanting to talk to them right now.

Station 22

She skimmed through some of the tread, but she didn’t catch most of the messages.

Flau 🎧🎤: Ayo P! U missed my best mix so far! U better bring ur ass tm!

SGA 👟: I’m winning the pushup contest. Who want second place 👀

Cam 📸🧁: Paige, can you ask Azzi if she will make some strawberry cupcakes for the next shift?

Her hands shook as she typed out her message, still not wanting to believe what happened to Peanut.

PB 🧑🏼‍🚒: azzi was ten weeks pregnant and had a miscarriage. i’m out for a week. no treats until she feels better.

DT 🧯🍷: Take as much time as you need, Paige.

Curry 👨🏽‍🍳🙏🏼: Let Azzi know we are praying for. Do what you gotta do.

Stewie 🧠👀: so sorry, p. we’ll be here when u get back

Cam 📸🧁: Tell Azzi Ray I love her! Call me if you need anything, P!

Ant 🐜💥: Damn

Phee 📝💪🏽: That’s so rough, Paige. Hoping for healing and peace.

Kea 💅🏽👑: sending healing and baby dust her way!

J 💯🧸🏁: fuck bro. so sorry

Finally, there was no one else who needed to know. Well, outside of the Fudd’s, but she wasn’t sure when Azzi would feel comfortable telling them.

She switched over to enter the tracking number for Azzi’s birthday present. Yesterday when Azzi was curled into Paige, she was able to find something she hoped would be a good birthday present for Azzi, and it was set to get here the day before her big day.

Even though it was something small, Paige wanted to bring her a little comfort, a little extra love until she felt okay again.

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Azzi woke slowly. She looked at the wood beams stretched over her head.

She was not at home.

For a second – just a second – Azzi forgot.

She forgot Peanut wasn’t growing anymore.

She forgot Peanut wasn’t in her anymore.

She forgot that she felt empty.

But then she sat up.

She sat up and liquid rushed out of her.

Her breath hitched as all the memories replayed in her brain.

The cramps. The blood. Paige. The shower. The hospital. Olivia. Paige. Bob and Katie. Paige again. Socks. Paige again. A mask. Paige again. Sleeping. Leaving the hospital. Paige again. Sleeping.

Paige was always there. Where was she now?

“Paige?” She called, voice raspy from lack of use.

The blonde came in quickly, body trying not to show how panicked she really felt. But Azzi knew her body language, her facial expressions. Azzi knew Paige better than she knew anybody.

“Hey Az. You have a good nap?” She asked gently.

Dark brows furrowed and brown eyes traced the wood grain on the floor. “When I woke up, I forgot. Everything was normal. Peanut was fine. But then I remembered.” Her breath hitched. “I feel like something’s missing, Paige.”

Paige moved towards the sofa at the crack in her voice. Her hands came up to gently cup her face, “Someone is missing, Azzi. You’re allowed to miss Peanut because they are supposed to be here.”

“I just don’t know what to do now.” She muttered, eyes glossy.

Paige’s tone was soft, but firm. “You feel whatever you’re feeling. You don’t owe anyone anything, and there’s not a handbook to teach you what to do when you lose a child, Azzi. You’re safe here. You’re safe with me, and you can let yourself break if you want.”

Azzi’s chin wobbled as she nodded. Silent tears flowed from her eyes, and Paige pulled her into her chest. And then the sobs started.

And just like she said, Azzi was safe to break down.

Paige held her through it all, pressing kisses and words into her skin.

“Let it out, Azzi.”

“I’m right here.”

“You’re the strongest person I know, Azzi Fudd.”

“You are not alone.”

“I love you, Princess.”

When the tears had subsided, Azzi laid sprawled out on top of Paige.

“I feel dirty almost.” She whispered. “Or like my body’s broken.” She paused.

Paige didn’t rush her to speak, just ran her hand up and down her spine.

“I don’t know what I’m saying or what I mean. It’s just…it’s just this feeling.” She finished.

The living room was silent for a while.

“Do you wanna take a warm shower?” Paige offered. “I can wash your hair if you want. Detangle it and everything.”

It got a small smile from the brunette, so Paige counted it as a win.

They stepped into the shower together, tension melting from their shoulders as the hot water ran over their shoulders.

Paige got to work quickly, tilting the curly hairs into the stream of warm water.

She was gentle as she worked shampoo into the strands. She was intentional about scrubbing Azzi’s scalp, but she was the opposite of rough. She sectioned the curls into four sections, working conditioner into each strand.

While the conditioner sat, Paige grabbed a cloth and got to work. She washed every inch of skin like she was cleaning the most important person in the world – well, Azzi was the most important person in Paige’s world.

She rinsed her hair and body before the water cooled. She wrapped her hair in a t-shirt, wiped the water from her body, and helped her get dressed. Azzi sat on the bed, leaning against Paige’s legs as she gently detangled her hair.

“You’re the best person I know, Paige Madison.”

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The rest of the week followed a pattern.

They woke up and went on a walk before eating breakfast at a little café down the street. Paige pressed a heating pad into Azzi’s belly while she read on the couch. They cooked lunch together because Azzi didn’t trust Paige not to set the house on fire. The blonde was on clean up duty while Azzi slept. They lounged around until dinner before going to bed and doing the same thing the next day.

Paige didn’t say anything when tears fell on Azzi’s waffles.

Azzi didn’t ask why Paige had been crying when her blue eyes were rimmed with red.

Paige didn’t hesitate to throw the peanut butter out when Azzi’s eyes got wet after she saw it.

They talked about Peanut a lot.

About if Peanut was a boy or a girl. What sport they would have played. If they were going to be a teacher’s pet or the class clown. What Peanut’s future should have been.

Azzi talked about Peanut, and Paige was thankful for that. “I feel like I may have done something. And I know Liv said that I probably didn’t, but nobody knows that for sure.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong, Az. We’ll get the results when we go back to the doctor next week.” Paige would reply.

“Do you really think I’ll have my own baby some day?” Azzi would whisper at night, right before they went to sleep.

“Even if I have to carry the baby myself,” Paige was always half-asleep when she answered, but they both knew she was telling the truth.

The blonde was always gentle. In the showers they took together. In the gentle way she brushed her hair. In the way she wedged a heating pad in between their torsos when Azzi’s cramps returned. In the way she told Azzi that she was enough. In the space she left for Azzi to break whenever she needed.

Azzi was so in love with her.

They spoke with Bob, Katie, or both of Paige’s parents once every day they were away. Katie helped Azzi process loss and was a listening ear when Paige needed to voice her complicated feelings without making Azzi feel guilty.

Azzi sent Caroline, KK, Ice, and Sarah a check-in text every day.

But both avoided calls from Azzi’s family until her birthday.

Azzi was standing behind Paige in the kitchen, observing as the blonde added lemon zest into the mixture for shrimp scampi. “Love Language” by SZA was cut off by Siri’s voice.

“Call from Katie Fudd.”

Azzi sighed deeply, looking at the ceiling. Before Paige could decline the call, the brunette pressed the green button.

“Hello?” She answered.

There was a brief pause. “Azzi?” Her mom’s voice came through the device.

“Azzi, where are you? You turned your location off.” Tim called.

“I’m in Phili with P.” She replied casually.

Paige’s head cocked to the side, almost like she was asking her why she was doing this.

“We were just calling to see if you were okay.” Her mom hesitated. “When do you want to do your birthday celebration?”

Azzi chuckled dryly. “I’m not celebrating with you.” She swallowed, getting frustrated. “And no, I’m not okay. My baby is dead.” She gritted out.

The line went silent. Even Paige was frozen in place.

“Azzi…” Her dad started, shock evident in his voice. “You were pregnant?”

She dropped the phone to the counter, not even caring anymore. “I was. And my baby died a week ago. I’m sure that makes you real happy. At least my baby won’t grow up without a father!”

Azzi was furious. She didn’t let her parents get a word out before she ranted.

“My baby died before I could ever hold it. And you weren’t there, but you know who was? Paige. Paige rushed home. She bathed me and took me to the hospital. She held my hand the entire time, even when they put me out, she was right there. She held me while a sobbed in the bed.” She breathed.

“I needed you there. I needed my parents, but you guys were nowhere to be found. Just angry that I was thinking about having a baby without having a husband!” She didn’t care how her words landed, but she needed someone to feel the same pain she did. Someone else needed to know the pain of losing a child. Someone who wasn’t her – wasn’t Paige.

“But you know who did show up? Bob and Katie.” She heard her parents gasp into the phone, but she didn’t give a fuck. “Yeah, Bob and Katie were at the hospital as soon as P told them. They brought Paige food. They came in and talked with me. They rented us a house in Phili so I could heal in a different space.”

Paige felt a small sense of pride knowing her family was taking such good care of her girl Azzi.

“They cared for me when you didn’t. So no. I don’t want to spend time with you for my birthday.”

She hung up the phone and leaned over the countertop, breath rapid and uneven.

“I’m proud of you, Azzi.” Paige said, wrapping her into a hug. “You did a good job standing up for yourself – for Peanut.”

She walked the duo over to the couch.

“I know we leave tomorrow, but it’s your birthday, so I couldn’t leave before giving you this.” She pulled out a shiny pink gift bag. “Happy birthday, Azzi. I hope you love it.” She finished with a whisper.

There were three black boxes in the bag. Azzi chose the skinniest, longest of the boxes.

“You got me a chain?” She giggled. Paige had never gotten her a chain before, but there’s a first time for everything.

The blonde chuckled. “Open the rest, I promise it’ll make sense!”

The next box had two bluish-green studs. The color of the earrings would complement her skin nicely.

The last box contained a ring. It was simple, but absolutely stunning. It features the same color stones as the earrings.

“It’s a promise ring.” Paige blurted. “When you started IUI, I promised you that you’d have a baby. And this week, I’ve been promising you that you will get to hold your own baby.” She continued.

“So, this ring is a promise. A promise that I will never give up on you. You will have that baby to hold.” She took the box with the ring in it. “This is alexandrite. It’s one of the birth stones for June.”

Azzi’s breath hitched and her eyes filled with tears. “For Peanut?” She gave a watery smile.

“For Peanut,” Paige nodded, taking the ring out of the box to show her the inscription.

Peanut, forever carried in love · 06.12.26

Tears streamed down her face, but Azzi was still smiling. “You’re the best person I know, Paige Bueckers.”

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The next weeks pass in a blur.

Azzi was still off the week after they got back from Philadelphia. Paige was with for the majority of the days, but she went back to the station twice that week. And each time, they sent home enough food to last until her next shift. When Paige was working, her stepmom was at her house with Azzi.

They weren’t worried about her, but they didn’t want her to have to struggle alone. And it was a good thing that Katie had been so involved because she persuaded Azzi to see a therapist.

They met on Zoom once a week. Colleen helped her process her feelings. The relief she felt once Liv called with the results. The anger she felt at whatever genetic mutation killed her baby. The anxiety she felt about being pregnant ever again. The anguish she felt thinking about different milestones with every passing week.

But her sessions were working. By week three, Azzi was baking again. Even though it was for work, not fun, she was able to push past her grief to do her job.

The real testament was during the first week of December, the fifth week since losing Peanut. Paige walked into the kitchen after a nap to discover Azzi cooking dinner at the stove.

She stood in the doorway and watched the woman she loved move around her kitchen like it was hers. Paige honestly had half a mind to tell her she was in love with her right then. Azzi was magic in the kitchen. She didn’t pick seasonings before she started. She didn’t measure anything. She didn’t even set a timer for the chicken to cook. She just moved off of sheer instinct, and Azzi already knew it would be one of the best things she’d ever made.

“Whatcha making, Az?” She pushed off the door jamb.

Azzi didn’t even look back, but Paige could hear the smile in her voice. “It’s supposed to snow tonight, so I made a soup.” She answered casually.

“Azzi, what kind of soup?” Paige whined, still a little tired after back to back shifts.

The brunette giggled. “Sausage tortellini soup.”

Paige dropped to her knees in the kitchen. “Marry me. Please. Right now.”

The light giggles turned into a cackle. “Get up, Paige. You’re so dramatic.”

“You love me this way. Or else you wouldn’t have made my favorite soup!” Paige huffed.

Azzi didn’t say anything for a bit. Her smile was small, like her own little secret. “Yeah, P. I love you exactly the way you are.”

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Azzi sat crisscross applesauce on the beanbag in Paige’s gaming room. She toyed with one of the strings on a hoodie much too big for her. The silence between the two was much longer than usual.

“Azzi, did you hear my question, or are you ignoring me?” Colleen asked, voice firm.

The curly-haired girl tossed her head back. “I like staying at Paige’s. I don’t have to be alone. She takes care of me. And she doesn’t expect me to be anything when I’m with her.”

“That’s good, Azzi. But do you think it’s sustainable to live in your best friend’s house for the foreseeable future?” Colleen was trying to get Azzi to move back into her own home, but Azzi wasn’t interested in doing that. At all.

“If Paige doesn’t mind, why should I?” Azzi shrugged.

Colleen sighed. “Why do you want to live with Paige instead of go back home?” She questioned. “Is it because of your feelings for her or something else.”

Azzi huffed, crossing her arms. “I should have never told you about my feelings for her.”

The therapist looked to the side before making eye contact with Azzi again. “With everything you say about her, I would’ve been able to figure this out in two sessions.” She smirked. “Now, tell me why you want to stay with Paige.”

The brunette was quiet for a beat. “I don’t want to be in the house where my baby died.” She whispered, fiddling with her Peanut ring.

“That’s more than understandable, Azzi.” Colleen said softly. “You’re allowed to do everything at your own pace. I just think it’s important to know why you’re doing what you’re doing.” She explained.

Azzi nodded, winding the hoodie string tight around her finger. “What if I want to try again? Try to have a baby? Does that make me crazy? Or would that mean I’m –” She paused, looking for the right word. “Disregarding Peanut?”

Colleen’s brows furrowed, but not in concern or disappointment. “Not at all, Azzi. You can try again whenever you’re ready. Having another baby doesn’t take away the love you have for your own.” She smiled. “The best part about a mother’s love is that it increases with every child she has. You’ll never run out.”

“It’s weird,” Azzi finally said. “I thought losing Peanut would make me never want to do this again.”

Colleen nodded, her expression calm and open. “And has it?”

Azzi swallowed. “No. I mean — yes. I was sure I couldn’t do it again. But I keep having these dreams with more a few kids. And now I’m thinking about them more. What they'd look like. How they’d laugh.”

“You’re still picturing the future,” Colleen said softly.

Azzi nodded, voice low. “But I’m scared. I’m scared of doing everything right and it still going wrong. I’m scared I’m not strong enough to do this again. I’m scared if I say yes to trying again and I get pregnant and I have another miscarriage, I’ll break into pieces I can’t fix.”

There was a long pause. Colleen smiled again. “Azzi, I want you to hear me when I say this. Wanting again isn’t weakness, it’s brave.”

Azzi blinked. Her eyes didn’t tear up, but something caught in her chest. “It doesn’t feel brave.”

“It rarely does,” the therapist said. “Sometimes bravery just looks like choosing to keep hoping. Even with shaky hands.”

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The walls of Liv’s office were much more encouraging and welcoming than Dr. Caldwell’s. Instead of only having a grid of brochures, there was a wall of family portraits. Seeing all of the families Liv had helped made her proud of her friend and (cautiously) excited to start fresh.

When Liv came into the exam room, she greeted Paige and Azzi with a smile. “Are you thinking about next steps?”

Azzi nodded. “Paige said that IVF is a better option if a miscarriage happens. I think I’m ready. I just... I want to know what I’d be signing up for.”

Liv pulled up a chart on her tablet. “IVF is a more involved process. You’d take injectable medications to stimulate your ovaries. It’d be everyday. And they are a lot stronger than the pills used for IUI. You’d need frequent monitoring: bloodwork, ultrasounds. Then we retrieve the eggs, fertilize them, and transfer two or three embryos back after a few days.”

“And the risks?” Azzi asked.

“There’s a small chance of ovarian hyperstimulation. Some people have bloating, headaches, mood swings. Emotionally, it’s intense. Physically, it’s no walk in the park either.”

Azzi nodded, taking that in. “And the timeline?”

“We could start with your next cycle, if you're ready.”

Azzi sat back, lips pressed together. “Okay.”

“Okay?” Liv confirmed.

“I want to talk to Paige first,” Azzi started. “But I think I want to do this. I’ll let you know in the morning.”

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The sky was already going dusky when Azzi got back home. The soft click of the door closing behind her felt like exhaling after holding her breath all day.

From the kitchen came the rhythmic sound of a knife on a cutting board. Paige stood at the counter in a pair of sweatpants and a sports bra, slicing apples into a bowl. The smell of cinnamon hung in the air.

Azzi didn’t say anything at first. She just walked into the space that had become a kind of home and watched Paige move.

“I’m ready,” she said finally.

Paige didn’t look up. “For what?”

“To try IVF.”

The knife stopped mid-slice. Paige’s hand stilled on the half-cut apple. “You are?”

Azzi took a breath. “I can’t promise I’m 100 percent ready. But Katie said no one ever is. Paige, I want this. I really want this.”

Paige turned to her then. Her voice was quiet, but her eyes were full. “Then let’s do this.” A beat.

Then softer: “Together.”

#paige bueckers #azzi fudd #pazzi fics #pazzi #paige x azzi #love on fire

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