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gothushi · 5 months

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pressure

pairing: rob x photographer!reader

warnings: none

note: welcome to my rob mini series!! i’ll update parts as they come

word count: 4.1k

this is part 1! | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5

———————♡

Setting up camp is.. interesting to say the least. Michelle and James are arguing. About what? You’re not sure. Their words are a quiet background noise as you set up your own tent, on the edge of camp, whilst the others do the same. John is getting a table set up, his research items and different notes being scattered around as he begins to document some things.

The distant arguing continues whilst you grab your camera, attaching a different lens and putting your bag into your tent, walking to the outer edge of camp by the treeline. Lifting it to your face, you begin to get a few shots of your acquaintances. Some of John writing in his notebook, of Lisa and Tim setting up the tent they’ll share, Rob getting a small fire started, taking way too many just to get the right shot. It’ll take hours to go through them all once back at the hotel.

Focused on a shot of the treeline, just getting the edge of a few tents in the shot, you pan back around. Your feet stretch with the way you’re crouched, muscles tired after long hours of hiking, when you notice you don’t see Rob by the fire anymore, just John. Camera being pulled from your face, the looming figure beside you makes your heart jolt.

“Christ, make some damn noise next time.” You startle, huffing a breath of air, tilting your head up to look at Rob. A small laugh breaks out of him, sending butterflies fluttering in your gut.

“I thought it would be funny to sneak up on you.” The sound of James and Michelle arguing gets a bit louder, and it seems as though Rob was searching for an escape from their tension. “I couldn’t be over there another minute listening to those two. How’s the photos coming?”

You falter for just a moment, glancing at your camera before craning your neck back up to him, “Oh um- they’re coming good, the company wants me to get plenty of shots of everyone and where we camp.”

“I bet they do,” Rob’s blues take a glance at the argument further away, before back down to you as he fights the grin forming on his face, “how many pictures do you need of them bitching at each other?” The comment pulls another laugh out of you as you lift your camera again, zooming in and focusing on John as he’s jotting down some notes, bent over his table.

“I’d like to keep it at zero. But if they’re like this the entire trip..” Michelle has been on James’ ass since you all met up, nitpicking the way he acts, the questions he asks. Granted, sometimes he isn’t very professional but this is a new experience for him and personally you enjoy his enthusiasm compared to Michelle’s bluntness. Rob gives a rare chuckle, arms crossed over his chest as he watches you.

“I’m sure James will forget about this in like.. ten minutes.” He observes you for a moment before talking again, “You’re always taking so many pictures. Why so many? Why not just get a few of the entire group?”

“Why so- well, I have to be picky. I snap like ten photos of a singular moment but they’re still all- different.” You look up at him, neck craning at you explain, “Nothing can be captured twice, whether it’s a specific position, feeling, the lighting, so I take a lot when I do capture stuff and once I go through them all I can hand pick the ones that-..” You pause, face beginning to flush when you realize you started to word vomit, “Sorry. Basically, I’m picky.”

“No it’s okay.” Rob assures, the smile on his face still there, those butterflies in your belly still there. “It’s just-.. Interesting you find the value in capturing those individual moments- capturing time.” He shifts his weight on his feet, hip cocked out to one side, arms crossed but he seems.. relaxed.

Standing to your full height, staring down at you camera, you continue, “You like experiencing the moments. I like experiencing them as well, don’t get me wrong, but I like capturing them too. Having physical proof of that moment or time.. is nice.”

“You like documenting things.” Rob muses aloud. He’s still a bit withdrawn, but this is the most he’s engaged with any of the group when it wasn’t necessary besides John. He seems to be thinking about your words, “You like having physical proof of things that are gone otherwise?”

A huff of a laugh escapes your lips, “If you’re making fun of me now, then you’d faint if you seen the bookshelf in my living room. Half of it is photo albums.” You play on the screen of your camera, adjusting some lighting settings.

“Why so attached to the past?” He asks. His attention wanes to the other two still being snappy with each other, struggling to put up their tent as John steps in to help. “I get having momentos sure, but why the obsession with documenting everything?” His words aren’t harsh, just merely curious. It’s obvious to him that this job, the act of photography itself, means a lot to you.

“Not really obsessed but-..” You think for a moment, eyes squinting in the sunlight as you lift your camera up again, “more like.. I want the physical memories. Everything’s become so digital that… I mean if I have kids in the future and then they have kids, I want to have things to pass down to them, and when I’m older I’ll want this proof of everything I’ve experienced.” Rob turns toward you, his eyes squinting from the same ray of setting sunlight, seeming genuinely intrigued.

“So you’re a romantic?” The words leave him with a little smile over his pretty lips. “You know, I can’t say I’ve ever thought about how I’d like to prove my time in this world. I’ve always tried to live more in the present.”

Color blooms on your cheeks as he hits the nail on the head, you are very much a romantic. “Sometimes what I do is just capturing the moment, taking a simple photo to be used for stock or something.” Your shoulders shrug, eyes narrowing overtop your camera as Michelle seems to still be arguing with James whilst John sets their tent up.

A few paces away, their little argument is continuing on, but Rob seems eager to just not pay much attention to it. “I guess I can see the appeal.” He muses, eyes trained on you, “So you keep albums with these photos? Do you frame them?”

You nod, pulling the camera away from your face. No use taking photos of them fighting. “I frame some. Only really special ones. But I have albums for different jobs or trips, family stuff.”

The sun is setting, just barely peeking through the trees and lighting up the clearing the group settled to camp in. “Makes sense, how many albums do you have?”

Letting out a heavy breath, a hint of a laugh on it, you shrug, “God I dunno, I don’t think I’ve ever counted.”

“Over ten?”

“Definitely.” Another nod and laugh from you, turning to look up at him. He stands at least a foot taller.

“You realized that’s abnormal, right? Most people don’t even think about keeping one physical album.”

“That’s the point!” You defend, “No one really keeps physical photos anymore! It’s all digital. And, while digital is great and all, it takes one mistake for it all to be gone in an instant.”

His eyebrows raise, really listening, actually interested, “So you’re stockpiling photos because you’re.. afraid of breaking your laptop?”

A deadpan look crosses your face, staring up at him, “Yes, that’s the entire reason I went to college and studied for this to be my job for the rest of my life.” The words leave you sarcastically as you power off your camera.

“That’s one way to look at it.” A chuckle leaves Rob, arms still crossed over his broad chest. His eyes glance back to the others to find all tents up, everyone beginning to gather around the fire he started before, “Ready to join the others?”

With a glance up at him, he gestures for you to go first, and follows behind as you go to join the rest of the group. It’s been a long day, between finding out the area you were meant to camp and survey had been totally deforested, finding one of the men from the logging company, to getting ditched by one of the guides, Carlos, you’re all definitely tired. James films some more whilst you all sit around the fire and have something to eat, making low conversation between mainly James and whoever he asks a question to. Bidding everyone goodnight as they scatter to their tents, fire dulled down to just hot embers, you go to sleep.

—

A low growling wakes you, your watch says 3:27AM, and the nightlife of the jungle is just as loud as it is in the daytime. Shuffling around in your sleeping bag, groggy, your ears strain to listen. Something’s stomping around the camp, sniffing, huffing, growling even, and it doesn’t sound familiar to any larger predators you’ve heard before. It sets your nerves alight, some instinctive feeling of fear building in your gut. But thankfully, it goes away quickly. The footsteps and clattering of it knocking some of the metal camping items fades away to the usual jungle life noises, animals chattering or sounding out different calls. The day was tiring enough that it lulls you back to sleep quite quickly.

—

Morning comes soon enough, the sun rising and everyone waking naturally to the sound of different animal calls and the noise of John and Rob rousing first. It’s an uneventful morning, someone brewing a little pot of coffee over the fire which you are so thankful for when Rob fills your thermos. A quiet thanks is said before you just observe the others, watching John pick up the small table that was knocked over last night. You want to ask about the animal, ask if either John or Rob know what it was exactly, but it doesn’t seem like the right moment. Everyone’s groggy, quiet, getting coffee in their thermos’, short words exchanged as they all wake up. John wastes no time in gathering everyone up though, ready for a few hours of hiking and exploring.

—

A couple of hours of hiking warrants a break, stopping by the river crowded by rocks and a waterfall no taller than you. Everyone scatters around, Maria by herself, John and Rob sat together exchanging some words and getting some water, Lisa collecting some more moss in her little tubes. This is the perfect opportunity to get some landscape shots, collecting your camera and sitting down at the edge of the water.

Eyes are on you though, Rob’s deep blues unable to stop from wandering to you as you just.. simply do your job. His thoughts are interrupted when John speaks, “Enjoying the view?”

“Shut up.” The quip leaves Rob’s lips as he averts his eyes away, making John laugh.

“Okay.” He sees how his best friend acts around you, understands that there’s something more there than just friendly, “Why haven’t you asked her out yet?”

Rob gawks for a moment before schooling his expression and clearing his throat, “We’re- colleagues John, it’s-”

“Not technically. She’s just contracted on this job. Not like she works with us all the time.”

“It’s still different.” Rob argues back softly. He’s avoiding the point, because he knows deep down he just doesn’t have the courage to ask you out yet. It’s just not a risk he’s willing to take.

“Coward.” John mutters, fishing his water bottle from his pack and taking a sip. Rob ignores him, watches as you step from the edge of the small hill to look down at your camera. Something spurs him to his feet, moving towards you. “Go get ‘em tiger.” A smack lands on the back of Rob’s leg from John, making him scowl as the other laughs at him, loving that he’s aggravating him.

A flash of a middle finger makes John crack up again, before Rob appears by your side, “Hey,”

Flicking your gaze up to him, you greet back with a smile, “Hi.”

Just that single word makes his heart pound a bit, lifts his mood just a little, “Getting some good photos?”

A nod, “Yeah, they wanted me to get a lot of landscape photos but.. probably won’t even use half of what I submit. They always do that..” Your attention is focused on the screen of your camera, flicking through the various snapshots you just got of the river and small waterfall.

“Do you mind if I take a look?” Rob leans in just a hair more, smelling your natural scent and something faint like a sweet shampoo. It sends his nerves alight, making him swallow. Despite that dull feeling that swirls in his gut, he really is curious about your pictures. Never having a reason to deny him, you shake your head and step closer to him, tilting the camera screen towards him so he can hopefully see well despite the rays of sun peeking through the treetops. He really can’t tell the difference between them… maybe the rushing water or the physical angle you used.. but his inexperienced eye can’t tell much other than they’re pretty photos.

His hand moves, some instinctive action to rest on the small of your back, since you’re both stood by the edge of the hill. He’s so hyper aware of how close you are, how good you smell, it’s clouding his brain in the worst way possible. How much larger he is than you, his hand splays over your back nearly covering the width of it.. God.

“I probably got my feet wet for nothing, I bet they won’t even use the ones from in the water.” Your voice snaps him out of it, eyes focusing back on the camera. Then he notices your shoes and bottom of your cargos are wet, you must’ve stepped into the river when he wasn’t looking, too occupied being teased by John. He swallows again, staring as you flick through a few more before his eyes flit to your face.

“Even if that’s the case- I mean- they’re still really good.” He’s struggling to find the right words, actually stumbling over his sentence and that makes some embarrassed heat rise to his face. It’s easy to excuse it on the humidity though.

Your shoulder brushes against his chest when you glance up at him, sending a ripple of electricity up his spine, flashing your cute smile up at him, “Thanks, if anything I’ll pick out a few and they’ll go into the album for this trip.”

“Maybe you could send them to me sometime.” He offers, the words leaving his mouth before his brain even comprehends them. It causes you to falter, not expecting him to suggest that, before your smile grows and so does the size of his heart.

“Yeah? I mean- yeah I can, if you’d like. Just remind me when we get back.”

The butterflies in his gut are going insane, normally he can control himself but.. maybe it’s the closer proximity, your scent, maybe it’s even just the moment itself. His eyes dart from your own to your lips, back and forth, doing a shitty job at hiding it. Fortunately for him, and unfortunately for you, or maybe the other way around, you’re a terrible flirt, so you don’t really notice.

The distant raising of Maria’s voice pulls you both from the moment, looking over towards the edge of the trail where both Maria and Michelle, with James filming per usual, are stood, “No you don’t get it! You don’t want to know what it was!” The raised tone of her thick accent catches everyone else's attention as you both move over, and John is also joining in to try and separate them, but Maria keeps going, “There are thing’s here you couldn’t even begin to comprehend! You treat this jungle with no respect.” She sidesteps John and he goes between the two women, trying to calm them down.

John tries to de-escalate, speaking to Maria whilst glancing between her and James who’s still filming, “I can promise you that we are treating this area with the utmost respect, okay? Okay?” Maria ignores him and moves towards the trail, clearly ready to move on as John turns to James and Michelle to scold them both.

“We just wanna know what was in camp last night!” James defends, but it only aggravates John further.

“Listen- I will look at the tracks when we get back, okay? I’m sure I can figure out what they are. But for now, stop. You're making this harder than it needs to be.” He turns towards the group as they’re gathered on the trail, eager to move on from this moment.

“Well..” You start, muttering quietly mainly to Rob beside you. He was waiting to see if he needed to step in, now watching as James and Michelle grab their bags. “I was curious about whatever animal it was too but.. guess I’m glad I wasn’t the first to ask.” There’s a dry amusement to your tone that makes Rob give a small chuckle.

Your group carries on, a tense quiet besides some muttering between the pairs, and eventually Rob catches up to John with the intent on asking him a question, but the latter speaks first, “That was painful to watch.”

A hum of agreement escapes the taller one accompanied by a nod, “Mm.. things are tense enough since Carlos left us.”

“I’m talking about your shit attempt at flirting.”

That same aggravation rises in Rob again, “Shut it.”

John snorts a laugh, giving him a nudge on the arm, “I just like pushing your buttons mate, I’ve never seen you like this before.”

“And you never will again.” He retorts back. John knows Rob, and his teasing is making him suddenly feel self conscious over this entire thing. “Just shut up before I shove you off this trail.”

There’s the Rob he knows, making John laugh and raise his hands in defense, falling into conversation about the trail up ahead.

—

A couple of tense hours pass before the group decides to rest again to eat some lunch, whatever dried foods and non perishable items that have been packed, most of the food was in the car Carlos left in..

Everyone scatters into their usual pairs, sat eating jerky or other items and having some water. You’re munching on some trail mix, picking out the good bits, wired earbuds in your ears connected to your iPod. Rob sees you alone, feels this.. odd sense of protection, wanting to be close, so he goes with it, walking over with his water, “Mind if I join you?”

Grinning up as he approached, you muse softly as you pat the ground beside you, “Awfully chatty today, am I your favorite?” As he grins down at you, you hold your trail mix bag out as an offering.

He smirks a bit, watching as you pull an earbud from your right ear as he sits next to you, long legs stretching out alongside yours, scooping out a small handful of trail mix, “Oh absolutely, you’re the highlight of my life.” His tone is laced with amusement and a hint of sarcasm. His tone makes you snort a laugh, taking a sip of water whilst your other hand lifts your camera up, as you were in the middle of looking through some things, lifting it to take some photos of everyone resting. “Do you actually keep most of these photos, or do you just take them so you have an excuse to not socialize with everyone else?”

“You caught me,” the amusing accusation pulls a small laugh from you, giving him a glance before looking back through your camera, “I don’t keep every photo, but I’ll keep one or two from each group. So, a couple of the water from earlier, one of these now.”

“I figured as much,” He hums, fishing out a little bag of jerky from his pack, “How much are they willing to pay for those anyway?”

“You’d probably faint if I told you.” Pulling your camera down, you look at the few you just snapped, “Is Michelle still scowling?”

That question turns Rob’s attention to said woman, seeing her with.. indeed quite a sour look on her face. “Like she’s trying to shoot daggers with her eyes.” He confirms.

“She’s ruining the damn pictures,” You complain softly, glancing at Rob as he chews. Scooting a few inches away to twist towards him, you lift your camera again and snap some photos. It catches him off guard when he glances at you, a slight heat forming on his face.

“Hey, what’re you-”

“Shh shh, just look the other direction.” Your hand waves a little, wanting him to turn his head towards the group rather than look directly at you. He gets a slightly indifferent look on his face, almost like he doesn’t wanna listen, but he has no reason not to, so he turns the way he was again. Grinning behind your camera, you snap a few and then lower it to look at them. One of them caught that look on his face, like he wanted to frown or pout, and it’s so cute you feel your heart do a little flip. Scooting back next to him, you speak again, “Much better.”

He laughs along with your little chuckle, finishing chewing his bite of jerky, “So, how do I fare in your professional opinion?”

“Quite nice,” You muse, smiling as you tilt the camera so he can see, “much better than Michelle’s scowl.” The photos are simple, they’re.. him. He doesn’t see the appeal really but they are a nice quality. He thinks they’re okay, he just isn’t used to his photo being taken. Still, there’s a small smile on his lips that prompts you to speak again, “I can send these to you too, if you’d like.”

His smile widens even by just a bit, nodding, “Mm, yeah.”

“Is she still scowling?”

Another soft huff of laughter, “Yeah, guess she didn’t like being told off.”

You groan a little, lifting your camera to get some photos of Lisa scraping up some moss at the base of a tree, “Would it be mean to go tell her to fix her face so I can do my job?”

That pulls an unexpected laugh from Rob, louder than the other softer huffs before, and it makes something flip-flop in your stomach. You have to look over at him, because that might be the loudest thing you’ve heard from him when he isn’t yelling at someone. “Shut up, I’m serious!”

He laughs a little more, nodding like he believes you, “I think she’d eat you alive before that happens.” Looking through your camera again, you see her sour expression as she’s even glancing over at the two of you, curious as to what’s so funny.

It pulls a giggle out of you as you nod to him, “Yeah, she might kill me.”

“Oh don’t worry, I’ll protect you.”

“Yeah, okay, you’d grab some popcorn and sit back.”

He laughs again, watching as you start to put your camera back into its little bag, “Mm, I could do that. Who needs entertainment when you’re on the trail with a couple of ladies getting into a cat fight?”

“Give me that, I’m done sharing with you.” You playfully grab your trail mix back, the bag having been in between the two of you. He plays along and huffs like he’s annoyed.

“Oh c’mon, y’want me to starve?”

“I think you’ll live.” You start to fish out some of the m&m’s from the mix, the half melted candy smearing colors onto your fingertips.

“Those are my favorite y’know.” He hums, trying to push your buttons on purpose. He likes playing around with you, he doesn’t do this with anyone else.

You give him a look, like are you serious? before looking back down at the bag of assorted nuts and dried fruits, picking out some more of the candy. You know he’s just playing, but you speak anyway, “Hold out your hand.”

Rob stares for a second, almost not listening but something in him is compelled to, so he does. His hand flattens out, palm up, watching as you drop the candies into his hand. His heart does a little flip, grinning before popping the m&m’s into his mouth in one go, the half melted chocolate almost as sweet as you. “I knew you really liked me.” He murmurs, voice laced with a teasing tone.

“Oh shut up.” You laugh it off, but the moment between you two has your heart pounding a bit harder, skin tingling where it had met his larger hand when you gave him the candy.

———————♡

#extinction rob #rob extinction #extinction rob x reader #rob mini series

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mrsreinhart · 1 year

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Lili Reinhart - Grazia Italia Interview

In the cult TV series Riverdale we met her as an always fearless heroine, often forced to confront others and with herself. But even in real life American actress Lili Reinhart, 26, has often found herself having to look within to overcome difficulties.

At 14, when she was already determined to pursue a career in acting, she was diagnosed with a form of depression. Very young, she went through anxiety attacks and various kinds of difficulties, not least that body dysmorphic disorder that leads her to see herself differently from others and to suffer from some physical characteristics that she perceives in a distorted way.

Reinhart has therefore become the champion of the battles for mental health and for the acceptance of different types of beauty. She didn't hesitate to expose herself even to a global celebrity like the queen of social networks Kim Kardashian: the actress found that losing so much weight and in a short time to get into a dress that belonged to Marilyn Monroe was not a good example for her women who have difficulty accepting their body.

At the Women in Film Gala 2022, Lili then received the Max Mara Face of the Future award, dedicated to emerging actresses. «My family», declared Maria Giulia Prezioso Maramotti, «has built a company that honors and celebrates women, above all in the arts. We wanted to award the prize to a young artist who embodies our values, but who is still evolving. What Lili is going in is an excellent direction to follow.

I meet Reinhart in Los Angeles, while she's curled up in the make-up artist's chair for Grazia's fashion shoot that you see in these pages. She remains seated for a long time with her legs pulled up to her chest, a position that evokes the tenderness of a little girl. But she talks to me about serious topics and does it with honesty and depth, even when it comes to revealing the most intimate aspects of her life. She became a global celebrity thanks to the character of Betty Cooper in the TV series Riverdale, which reached its seventh season.

Do vou ever think that the success of this role has somehow slowed down your career as an actress?

I am grateful to Riverdale for everything it has brought me. If I'm sitting here with her now, it's because of the success of the show. But at some point in life, it's time to move on."

Do you feel that you have something to prove to others or to yourself?

I've been acting since I was 12, l've come a long way since then, but I think I haven't yet fulfilled my potential. And this is a challenge for myself. I want the actors who inspire me to talk about me, I want to go far and deserve it. For the past seven years, I've been doing a teen show, Riverdale, with a style that isn't necessarily. what i prefer. But Riverdale it has been incredibly successful and takes up practically all my time, so it has been difficult for me to seize other opportunities

Have you had to make many job cuts?

Last spring I was offered a role that I wanted to play with all my heart, but unfortunately the dates did not reconcile with the filming of the show. It was devastating to say no.

What was she like as a child? Did you imagine that when you grew up?

| was an introvert, I lived in my own little world and I always felt a bit isolated. I think I have an old soul, with my peers I felt like a fish out of water and I didn't quite understand which was the right place for me. Just yesterday I was talking to my mother about when I enjoyed dressing up as a child. We had a box full of costumes we'd collected over the years, I even changed three times a day. I put on plays and plays for my family, I always wanted to perform. So, in the end, I moved on to the theater up to television and cinema.

Was performing a way of expressing yourself?

Some people are naturally outgoing, funny. I felt I could only be by performing. I was very insecure and acting gave me the opportunity to explore sides of my personality that I would not have known otherwise.

And i also brought out a very intimate and vulnerable side by writing a book of poems, Swimming Lessons: Poems ("Swimming lessons: poems").

Yes, it was a time in my life when I felt like I wanted to. to do something that came exclusively from me and over which I had total creative control. I was very nervous at first, because it was a bit like sharing a diary with people who were ready to judge it and judge me. As an actress I feel safe, as a writer I don't: hence the negative comments on mine. book strengthened my fears. I know that no one would have paid attention to my poems if Lili the actress hadn't signed them, but I never had the claim. to establish myself as a writer. I'm a romantic and I just wanted to share a different side of me.

Don't you think maybe you're too hard on yourself?

I internalize a lot, especially the criticisms. After all, poetry is the way I express my emotions. What I wanted to convey was not, "Look at me, I'm a writer." | wanted to tell the people who follow me that I am an absolutely normal human being: I have feelings, insecurities, I struggle and face life's challenges just like anyone else.

She has often spoken about her insecurities, especially physical ones, and is a spokesperson for the "body positivity" for the acceptance of all physicalities. Do you remember the first time dysmorphia, a disorder you suffer from,presented itself?

I have an average build and, when I began to get to know the world of fashion and clothes better, I met models with very different physiques from mine. There have been times when the clothes they offered just didn't fit me. So I said to myself: "Why don't I have a smaller physique?". When a dress designed for someone two sizes smaller than you doesn't fit, you start to think you're wrong and you have to do something to fit the clothes. But in a young woman these thoughts can hurt a lot.

I recently Today, however, she sees her photos everywhere. What does it feel? She likes herself?

I talked about this with my therapist. In fact, I feel like i live in a sort of perpetual comparison with other, more glamorous versions of myself. I started acting as a child and learned that my body is always changing. Today I accept myself more and judge myself less, however Hollywood doesn't want you to get old and puts pressure on you for it. Don't you think it's crazy that at 26 | worry about not having the same face as when I was 19? Of course I don't have it! Even the one in these photos is certainly a more beautiful version of me: I'm not like this every day. Constantly having to show a better image of ourselves can play tricks on us, because it can make us believe that our everyday version is not enough.

And how does she find a way to get everyone along these versions of itself?

I can't, they don't get along. There is my everyday self that reminds Lili of the glamor that looks like this only if she is surrounded by professionals who they make up and comb her hair. But I'm making peace with the fact that first I have to learn to be okay with each version of me. For example, I now have an acne breakout. Who sees them? Acne has always triggered severe mental and emotional distress in me. It makes me feel bad and makes it difficult for me to appear in public or take pictures without makeup because I know my skin would otherwise look different than everyone expects. Instead I should think that a rash doesn't take anything away from me, it doesn't define me. It's always me. Unfortunately it's a constant struggle: I live in a world that demands perfection and, at times, I think I've begun to demand it too. But then I think that everything happens for a reason and maybe the reason why acne always shows up on my face is because I have to learn to love every season my skin and my body go through because that's right. I'm a human being, not a mannequin.

I couldn't help but notice the tattoo on her right forearm: an arrow.

I did it around 18, 19. It represents my battle against depression: an arrow can only go forward if it is first pulled back. It's like saying that, once you hit rock bottom, you can only go back up.

In which direction is it pointing then?

Forward, always. My mental health has its ups and downs and this arrow reminds me that I always manage to get out of it, because I'm a tireless fighter.

But, during this fight, I hope she takes moments to appreciate what she has achieved.

I appreciate my battles, it is thanks to them that I am such a strong person. I wouldn't change anything about me. Having had the experience of depression leads me to experience moments of joy more intensely and makes me establish healthier and deeper relationships. The moments of discouragement have taught me so much about myself and it is right that I experience them and face them when they arise, rather than trying to escape.

She was cast as the Max Mara Face of the Future. How does this recognition make you feel?

It's a complicated feeling to explain. It's hard for me to accept that people see me this way. I almost feel like I have imposter syndrome, because I don't think I've shown my worth as an actress yet. I have exposed myself as an activist for body positivity and mental health, but in my work I think I haven't given my best yet. I'm waiting for that opportunity, which is on the horizon, but l'm waiting. So to receive the award before I've even been able to demonstrate what I think I can do as an actress is very encouraging. And I'm grateful because this recognition makes me understand that l'm already doing something good.

-Credit to lililovebots on Twitter for posting the interview.

#tried to translate the best I could #lili reinhart #grazia italy

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b-courageous1010 · 1 year

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Day 4: For the love of Note-taking

I am a person that loves to learn and take notes, but I tend to run into the problem of over-consuming. I’m a big idea type of person so I have many things I want to try but if I don't have a system most ideas are stuck in my head taking up space that can be used for creating.

I need a system that can be used in all parts of life that will help me capture my ideas and build on them. I reintroduced myself to the concept of a second brain. A second brain is essentially a methodology for saving and systematically reminding yourself of ideas, insights, and connections you’ve made through your experiences. It's used to free up your brain space and ensure you are creating valuable things from the information you consume.

It's a pretty simple concept that is achieved through a 4-step process:

CODE

Capture the ideas and insights worth saving

Organize for accountability

Distill down to the essence

Express your unique ideas and experiences

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Capture the ideas and insights you think are work saving

Keep your notes in a centralized place so you will always know where things are

Make conscious decisions about what you consume

Only keep what resonates, that way everything has a purpose.

Decided that I will use OneNote as my one-stop shop. I also started using a read-later app as a way to save articles for later and it has a tagging feature which is amazing!

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Organize for accountability

When it comes to note-taking, the simpler and more flexible the organization method the better.

Pro-tip: Avoid making a perfect hierarchy of folders from the get-go

PARA Method: Everything in your life can fit into one of the below categories

Area: Long-term responsibilities

Projects: Short-term responsibilities

Resources: Topics or interests that will be useful in the future

Archives: Information that is inactive

I adopted the PARA method for my work OneNote, I have the tabs sectioned out for the different categories and I also have a section that I named inbox. The idea here is that everything has a place but try not to overthink it. The more flexibility you give yourself the better.

Pro-tip: Start with a clean slate. Move all existing files into an archive folder with today's date.

This is the main issue I had with the methodology, when I first tried to implement the PARA method I thought I had to use it on existing information. Needless to say, it was overwhelming and I ended up giving up. This time starting fresh took the weight of what to do will all the old information and allows my system to grow with me and helps reshape my method of thinking. It also helps that I didn't delete anything. If I need an old piece of information, its always there.

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Distill down to the essence

Create actionable, bite-size summaries and focus on the main points

Summarize progressively, save an excerpt, create a summary, and create a summary of the summary.

I know it sounds a bit redundant BUT this allows you to see the note in different ways and you always want to leave a note better than you found it.

Add value to each note every time you touch it

Highlighting the most important parts

Add a link to reference later

Defining key terms in case you forget

Inserting placeholders when you leave off so you know where to pick up

You always want to enhance your notes and design them for your future self.

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Express your unique ideas

For me, note-taking is also an art form. It's how I express my interests and thoughts. I love that anything you want to learn is at your fingertips and I love sharing what I find in hopes that it helps someone else.

I also find informational blogging therapeutic. If I have a problem, goal, or task I usually make a post about it which helps me to not only think through my thoughts but also as a way to showcase what I learned. I feel like I found my voice and note-taking helps me not only learn and stay organized but also keeps me sane most days.

I'm excited to perfect my craft and the best part is that there is no finished product, you’re always improving!

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Music Challenge Day 4: A song by a new artist you just discovered

My Pick: Muni Long is not a new artist but I've fallen in love with her voice and her pen is nice!

My Aunt: Sza is new to her and she loves her.

#soft black girls #black femininity #soft black women #self love #spotify #black wellness #wellness journey #mindfulness #productivity #note taking #second brain #self love journey #blackgirlbloggers #organization #self improvement #positive thoughts #100 days of mindfulness

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animehouse-moe · 2 years

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Otherside Picnic Volume 3

Yeah yeah, I'm pretty well behind on having only just read this volume, I know. I'm slow with a lot of light novel reading because I really want to be in it, you know? I want to savor every moment and feel like I don't want to put the book down while I'm reading.

And it just happened that lately I've really been craving for the horror and fear that stems from Miyazawa's expert understanding of net and folklore horror. So imagine my surprise when I pick up the volume and see just how far Shirakaba's art has come. Sure, it was never bad by any means. But my god, this volume's illustrations are amazing. The level of detail has skyrocketed, but at the same time a more clear and personal style appears. Heavy and dark contrast, an overall feeling of weight with each piece of art. Even though they can look vastly different due to moments, the overall feel of it remains. Really, hats off in that regard, truly some outstanding art.

Of course, Miyazawa's writing withstands the shock of this incredible improvement from Shirakaba.

Their perception of horror - what comprises it and causes fear- remains absolutely expert. From the endings of the previous omnibus volume we continue the downwards spiral into Sorawo's personal hell. The types of contact, and the overall fear that arises from it are spine chilling.

Perhaps the biggest proponent is Miyazawa's ability to guide readers to answers. You can connect the dots as things go on, realize that there is something wrong, that there's a heavy feeling in your stomach and that all your hairs stand on end as your mind races to the finish line. It's such an incredible experience, where at times they don't even tell you the answer. Instead, you're left with a lingering feeling and concern for what things are and why.

Personally, it's my perfect definition of horror. Beyond us. You can come up with as many answers as you want to everything that unfolds, but for just as many things there are that Sorawo and Toriko resolve, there are just as many spine shudderingly disturbing pieces left hanging.

Of course, Otherside Picnic does like to remind readers that it's not just about disturbing and scary stuff. It's a healthy mix of characters that are poorly adjusted in the social sense (among many others), and their attempts to grope through their incredibly odd predicament. All of the characters that appear in this volume are so full. They're all hopeless and oddball versions of the more "simple" characters that they're portrayed as in the anime. They all have very glaring character issues, and present as far less perfect even in spite of how others view them. It's incredibly refreshing, and they all stumble through their interactions in an endearing and believable way that develops as the story continues.

The biggest thing from this volume though is just the sheer effort Miyazawa puts into the horror. It's not middle of the ground, on the spot horror stories they themselves come up with, but a far deeper and darker world that they draw from. Hours upon hours of historical and archival searching of books and webpages and chat forums to produce countless stories that end up interwoven and meld together into a cohesive framework to address the Ultra Blue Landscape via.

It's insane. Not only are we, as readers, attempting to understand the Otherside and its creators and/or inhabitants, Miyazawa is translating it. They're pulling from our reality, adding their own spin and twist to it, and spitting it out in the form of communication. The sheer talent to preserve the original value of the stories used, while at the same time repurposing them is incredible.

In terms of horror, I truly feel that Otherside Picnic stands comfortably separate from so much of what makes up the genre, not even just within the framework of animanga, but of modern media in general. So much of what's popular and talked about is on the absolute fringes of what horror is: that sense of dread and fear. Not 30 seconds of buildup into a single jumpscare reveal that the characters run away from. Rather, the tension building and things seeming wrong, like something is lurking around the corner and you absolutely must find out. Or that there's some terrible figure/creature staring right at you that has you frozen in place. Horror is not thriller, and Otherside Picnic continues to establish that beautifully.

Also, for the best reading experience, the anime OST is actually outstanding for furthering that fear. Plenty of songs that will put you perfectly on edge. You can find the full playlist right here.

#otherside picnic #urasekai picnic #裏世界ピクニック #sorawo kamikoshi #toriko nishina #iori miyazawa #horror novels #horror anime #anime and manga #light novel #light novel review #light novel recommendation

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tenaaay · 3 months

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Inside Out 2: An Emotional Roller Coaster Experience

The long queue, the pricey tickets and the uncertain chance to make it to the last show - were all worth it. The Inside Out 2 film was able to take me on an emotional rollercoaster; I was crying the whole time even with the funny scenes. I was moved in ways I could not even explain . I felt seen, heard, and understood. The anticipation for the sequel for years, the thrill when the trailer was eventually released, the long line despite not knowing if I'll be able to secure a seat, and even the expensive tickets—it was definitely worth the wait.

I was surprised to hear someone behind me attempting to explain the different emotions to the child next to me as I waited patiently for my turn to pay for my ticket. I could tell by just glancing at them that the boy was his son, listening intently to him at that moment. In my experience, it is quite uncommon to come across an adult male who is outspoken about his emotions. Not to stereotype, but when it comes to talking about topics like this, women tend to be more vocal. I was secretly applauding the father for his efforts in an attempt to educate his son.

At that point, I thought of how wonderful it would be if my parents had been able to explain to me as a child the different kinds of feelings. Maybe I was able to regulate my emotions pretty well. Nevertheless, I am deeply grateful that my parents were able to raise me and teach me in their own unique ways.

I hope to someday be able to teach my future children the three valuable lessons I learned from the movie:

Everything is always bound to change.

As a chronic overthinker, I find it so hard when things are beyond my control. Just like Riley, the main character of the film, she was scared when she found out that she and her friends were no longer attending the same school. The idea of going forward without them is somewhat heartbreaking since they have become her home. Riley's anxiety made her withdraw from her friends in an attempt to lessen the weight of feeling alone. But that was a temporary defense mechanism. Riley finally had to discover the value of embracing and accepting change in order to get past the unwanted shift in her life. Hence, we just need to recognize the beauty of change. That would allow us to face the uncertain times ahead of us with hope.

2. Pressure is good; perfection isn’t.

I learned from a former co-teacher that pressure is good. She explained to me, using the diamond analogy, that feeling pressure over something is okay as long as it's a good form of pressure. Since diamonds are created under pressure, fire is the only thing that can make them precious and beautiful. We need pressure in life to help us distinguish between things that are and are not significant. However, striving for excessive perfection in our lives, careers, and relationships may only lead to frustration. I have overdone life by trying too hard to be ideal, only to fall short in so many ways. I learned that meaningful lessons are more important in life than flawless ones.

3. Life is too short to keep everything inside.

To always communicate your feelings and to be careful with them is the humblest lesson I have learned in life thus far. We sometimes have a tendency to lose wonderful things because our anxieties constantly stand in the way of our ability to keep them. Riley was in denial that the idea of her friends making new friendships and interests would not hurt her, and as a result, she was close to losing her friends. Unfortunately, hiding her feelings caused her more anxiety and confusion. Honest communication is crucial. As a future counselor, I want to inspire others to speak up about their feelings no matter how reluctant they are to be vulnerable. People are not mind readers, and thinking that they should be aware of our emotions would only lead to possible conflicts. We would never run out of reasons, it's true, but we must also keep in mind that we would run out of time eventually. Since life is too short to hold everything inside, speak your truth and handle situations with care. Honesty saves time.

I sobbed with understanding after watching the movie. I really hope you watch it and let me know what you think!

#inside out 2 #movie review

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wwouldvecouldveshouldve · 5 months

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Male, romantic preference

MITB: INFJ

information about your hobbies

Oooo, I crochet, listen to music, cook, just adopted a cat, go to the gym (trying to become a competitive weight lifter)

information about topics you like to discuss

I’m a psychology and English major graduate. So I live to talk about sociology and human history and how that relates to the culture and habit of modern humans. Love deep conversation, I hate small talk. I give good life advice to my friends and people younger than me.

information about things that you hate

I am not a math person. I am not a fan of video games or most science fiction. Like I don’t like Star Trek or Star Wars but 2001 a space odyssey is my jam.

information about your personality

My personality seems to be a combo between Akutagawa, Poe, and Kunikida. Need to be recognized but also anxious and type A neurotic.

something that makes you unique (fo example, you like antiques from the 19th century. trust me, there's something that makes you a little bit different from most of the people around you)

I am working with my local university’s history, art, and earth sciences departments to be able to create experiments to recreate artwork normally seen in museums for the purpose of giving stolen artwork back to their original cultures.

if you are okay with being matched with a character who commits crimes/is a bad person/etc

Yeah, I don’t really get along with people who try to do the right thing by the right means all the time.

something that you value in others

Honesty and commitment. I hate flakes and cheaters.

something that you can't stand in others

Cheating.

I hope you were not kept waiting, darling! here is your matchup with the one and only kunikida!

kunikida is honest, practical, and reliable and he expects the same for his partner. of course, he eventually learns after meeting you that the love of someone's life does not have to meet every single one of his requirements. you fall first but when I tell you he falls HARD. he remembers every promise, anniversary, and special date. he cuts out a certain portion of his budget to spend on you, but he is weak to your requests. he is a complete loser for your love and dazai occasionally takes advantage of that. he enjoys conversations with you and is always looking to learn. your knowledge on people and life is always recorded in his notebook (every detail about you is in there <3) and he sometimes uses your psychology facts in his work. he's very grateful for how you help others and how you have changed him. he does not particularly mind your dislike for math, despite having taught the subject. he understands, after teaching many students, that people have different specialities and preferences and it is useless to pressure someone into being someone that they are not. kunikida appreciates how organized you are but you two must keep each other in check when you take things to far. additionally, you give good advice to each other in times of need. the agency thinks it's adorable! it takes a bit of time for kunikida to get used to your cat. eventually, however, he grows to adore the little fellow and spoils it a little too much. he enjoys being able to find it whenever he comes home, it's a stable variable in his life. he's always a little nervous that you two could be injured, so he forms various habits to keep your little family safe.

I finished it! I kept putting it off (I am too obsessed with verlaine to function), sorry. I hope you enjoyed the matchup :)

#keysasks

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adricthemindnimon · 2 years

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You guys The Power of the Doctor was fucking phenomenal. I had so many fears and so many doubts, but that was beautifully done and my heart is so full right now.

Random rambles off the top of my head:

- Yaz is so beautifully confident and competent! Like folks talk about Doctorification as a bad thing but my god hers is excellent.

- Ace my love my love my love. Ace calling 13 Professor. Ace stashing her jacket in UNIT HQ. Ace with a big fuckoff gun. Ace with HER BASEBALL BAT. Ace jumping off a building with a parachute. Ace going “of course I can single-handedly take out a volcano full of Daleks, I’m not a wimp”. Ace meeting Graham! Ace having a sweet heart to heart with Seven oh my days my heart.

- For some reason I didn’t expect Ace and Tegan to sound like they used to. They obviously look different, and I dunno, I guess I was expecting them to feel different too. But the second Ace opened her mouth I damn near cried. They sounded exactly the same as ever.

- Tegan my love my love my love. Tegan being a big damn hero, completely of her own volition, and always managing to feel hard done by about it. Tegan telling off every Doctor she sees. Tegan refusing to leave Kate Stewart in the fight alone. Tegan fighting her way through an entire building full of Cybermen. Tegan having an incredibly sweet heart to heart with Five, and Five understanding and validating her trauma. Five saying, of course seeing Cybermen again reminds you of Adric, of course seeing Cybermen again takes you back to that horrific experience (because even before Adric died that was a pretty terrible story for Tegan). Honestly I can’t say that enough. Five looking Tegan in the eye and understanding her pain, in a way that he was always too exasperated to do back in the day. And ugh the parallels between this and Earthshock, with Tegan fighting through masses of Cybermen and being insanely brave, except this time it paid off and she didn’t lose anybody important to her.

- Oh my god all the Doctors. Fake William Hartnell, Peter Davison, Colin Baker, Sylvester McCoy, Paul McGann... I yelped seeing them all. The boy band from the alternative 50th anniversary haha. They all care so much about this show, it’s such a pleasure to see them all back. And 8 refusing to wear a cloak was funny.

- “Last time I saw you you were part cat” omg Ace. I didn’t expect them to reference that quite so openly lmao

- The Master. Dance party. Ra Ra Rasputin. While Daleks and Cybermen watch. I mean it’s up there with Cassandra and Toxic, or Simm-Master and I Can’t Decide. Genuinely think I scared my neighbours I was howling so loud with laughter.

- Kate Stewart you tough legend. I’ve never been particularly invested in her before, but nah she’s pretty good.

- Omg the Master in 13′s costume. Sacha Darwan making those pants look like shorts.

- The Journey’s End throwback with all the friends piloting the TARDIS together my heart.

- That support group at the end. All the friends coming together. JO GRANT. MEL BUSH. IAN CHESTERTON. I’m so glad we finally got an appearance from Ian, no matter how short.

- The regeneration was so sweet and gentle and peaceful. We’ve had a lot of traumatic and dramatic regenerations of late. I’m so glad 13 got to go so kindly. The ice creams on top of the TARDIS. The last sunset. The way she held it off for a while so she could have a few more beautiful moments, then willingly embraced the future.

- “Tag, you’re it”. Perfect last lines for this Doctor. I’m sad to see her go, but that was a good exit.

They managed to bring together all these characters, and all these plotlines, and give each of them sufficient weight and value. Nobody felt shorted or extraneous. Jodie was on top form, and she got a damn good send off.

#doctor who #the power of the doctor #spoilers #dw spoilers

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astrxlfinale · 7 months

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HC; Disconnect.

The Simulated Universe project has to be one of the most taxing, rewarding, but simultaneously mind numbing experiences he's agreed to work with. The primary part of where it gets bizarre is just how often he takes the position, role, lives of a myriad of different people, positions and roles through his journey of unraveling potential truths.

It often requires Caelus to make rest, but also, keeping strong tokens, bonds and forms of familiarity as a must for his soul. Going by Akivili's method of interacting with humankind, while he's certainly not an Aeon, is a grueling process despite the close eyes the Genius Society keeps on his progress. Regardless of it being a realm of particular information, a lot of that weight finds itself meshing well enough into his mind. Being snapped out of existence by Nanook, how the mere presence of IX was deteriorating his mind with the worst brand of despair, to even sillier instances like getting lava from the Qilpoth's cosmic forge hitting his face.

Thus the strength that's demanded of him solely isn't fighting capability alone. Resilience of the soul needs to be at an entirely different scale in order to never let his roots become torn. This is without the sacrifice of having to cut away parts that makes him, him.

At the same time? He undeniably finds a near untamed sense of joy at such a scale of exploration. Many could find it concerning that he's willing to take the risks, of simulated death, revival, the many bizarre ways that it molds, warps and tears him apart before reaching that finish line. Within his mind, it's entirely worth it but not for the reasons such as Herta and the others hold. This experience in itself is a once in a life time experience.

In many ways, being able to experience the good and the horrors at a ground zero level has done wonders in making him care. The pain doesn't make him want to isolate, rather, it just makes him want to do good by the world.

So what better way to get back in touch than to check familiar haunts? To parade and continue on with trusted allies, familiar and those newly made. Despite his bristly disposition, there's a reason he comes back around when one does see him, part may have to do with the circumstance, but a lot comes from the value he personally invests in each bond.

#| HCs #It's why rest periods also become essential for him

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walkingstackofbooks · 10 months

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DS9 4x10 Homefront and 4x11 Paradise Lost thoughts (I’m re-watching, so beware spoilers for future episodes!) [2 July '23]

"Dax is the most humanoid person I know." XD

The Siskos' relationship is so important to me :3

Not vegetables wait takes hee hee

Miles' and Julian's attempted London accents XD Miles' is better than Julian's though which is hilarious given Julian's dad had that accent

Quark was a ship's cook once? interesting

Quark's "Humans. All you care about is yourselves." is kind of true though - yes, Ferengi values are different, but that doesn't mean Quark's feelings weren't similar

Anyone I can look up for you "Uh no.. No." That's the perfect response, given what we learn about Julian's family later on.

"I don't believe in luck... but I appreciate the sentiment." Odo <3 That's quite sweet

I love the Klingon beliefs - killing their pwn gods is the most Klingon thing

Acting head of security! :O Is Layton a changeling?; Who wants to get Sisko off DS9? I cannot rememner!

"When are you gonna stop growing?" Not yet, Joseph, Jake's still shooting up!

"Nathan, the usual." This is so cute that Nog is already part of the extended family <3

"They call it the academy but what it really is is school." Nog!!! You knew this?!!!

"I am a good guy to be around, aren't I?" Jake and Nog are the cutest friendship, I love how easily he restored Nog's confidence <3

Nog just being like "I can just ask Captain Sisko for a favour, why not?" - he's really good at going after what he wants unapologetically.

The fact Sisko just tenderly kisses his dad is very sweet, I love how gentle all the Sisko men are

"I had a talk with your doctor." That's a violation of doctor-patient confidentiality, surely?

"They don't all share Odo's lack of skill when it comes to mimicking humans." Ouch

"This business has got you so twisted around you can't think straight." Well, yes... shapeshifters are tricky.

"If I was a smart shape-shifter, a really good one, the first thing I would do would be to grab some poor soul off the street, absorb every ounce of his blood, and let it out on cue whenever someone like you tried to test me." Joseph is serving the real facts - this has already, presumably, been done by the Martok-changeling.

"It's like he's carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders." "He is." Jake knows what's up, bless him. 4x11 Paradise Lost

"I'd hate to see the members of Red Squad get into any trouble." Sisko can just be so cool under pressure.

"I'm not lying to you, sir." This cadet has balls - it cannot be easy to stick to your guns when Sisko's laying into you like that!

It's weird seeing a changeling so open about what they are, taking the form of O'Brien just because they can, but not actually pretending to be him.

Hah, Sisko has the same laugh as Jake! "And dated her for three years" haha

"I never knew it was so easy to break into classified Starfleet files." "Everything I know I learnt from Quark." I'm.. really not sure what to make of that admission. Makes sense though - Quark's presumably been doing it for far longer than Odo? Hmmmm

How did they change Sisko's blood for a changeling's?! Is Benteen a shapeshifter?

Uggh, Sisko, why tell Layton your plan? That's always a bad idea! Unless you're recording this to use against him?

"They've been told everyone on the Defiant has been replaced by shape-shifters." - You're willing to risk the lives of so many Starfleet officers, Layton?! That's when you know you're the bad guy!!

"I only wish I'd taught you more about the importance of loyalty." "You want to talk to me about loyalty? After you broke your oath with the Federation, lied to the people of Earth, ordered one of our own starships to fire on another! You don't have the right." Sisko!!! ❤️

"I hope you're not the one making the mistake." For once, I agree with Layton - God, I hope you're not the one making the mistake here, Sisko. I don't like Layton... but he was fighting so hard for earth in his own way, he's so sure this will end badly. I just don't know.

#ds9 4x10 #ds9 4x11 #ds9 homefront #ds9 paradise lost #andi watches ds9 #WSB

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dissmal · 2 years

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Year in Review

Highlights of 2022

Totoro became an important part of my life and a part of my daily routine.

Getting promoted to senior, massive bonus and salary jump

I learned how to ski! Went 5x at the beginning of the year

Got my first patent!

Traveled to 5 different countries: Italy, France, Germany, UK, and Norway

Ran my first race of 4 miles!

I learned how to play tennis!

Drove by myself multiple times like for skiing or to Storm King Finally fixed the floor and ceiling, and installed lights

PISTE Benefit in October, designing the entire event and immediately seeing my work in public

Released a new version of the Soulo Nail Trimmer with new features and earned 1k in revenue

Travel and Relax. I went to 5 different countries. I learned to appreciate wine and became a part of the relaxed culture of Italy and France. And whenever I traveled, I had time to read and let time pass more slowly. I truly enjoyed and appreciated traveling and now have a desire to do more of it.

Ambition and Sport. This year was all about being inspired by these accomplished athletes. Starting from watching Eileen Gu win the winter olympics, to getting closer with Nzingha, watching the US Open and tennis matches online, to the World Cup-- I realized that I wanted to feel moments of victory and loss and to work hard towards something that pushed my body to its limits.

Valuing routine. With athleticism and sport, comes routine. I established a routine for once, and understood the value of it. My routine included taking care of Totoro, mandating myself to play piano, run, answer Evergreen Noom and other apps everyday. Fasting really helped with establishing routine and helped me regulate my eating schedule. Returning from travel made me realize that I only like temporary disruptions but ultimately still like to stick to a schedule.

Stronger friendships. I feel like I have a solid friend group and people that I hang out with regularly. There were so many moments this past year when I felt so loved by my friends and I’m so grateful to have them in my life.

Independence, freedom, and comfort in self. Part of the reason I was able to form stronger friendships was because I could go anywhere any time. I’m able to spontaneously pick myself up and get out the door. I found hobbies that were independent of my friends too, like running. And having Totoro at home made me more comfortable being at home/being alone now and doing what makes me happy and running on my own schedule.

Relationship with my parents. Having my own space and being independent contributed to a better relationship with my parents. I think I’m able to communicate with them better, and we maintain Friday night dinners.

Hard lessons in relationships. I learned how to navigate my relationships better. I was nervous about going into long distance this year and I’m glad Jon and I came out of 2022 stronger. I now know the pitfalls of ldr relationships and the key to maintaining them. It’s given me a lot more insight into other people’s relationships as well and I know what to do more proactively in the future to build stronger relationships.

2023 Goals

Fitness: I want to lose weight 115 lb (attempt 2x) and have a better relationship with food. This also means establishing a daily routine and sleep at a set time.

Career-wise: Get a job as a PM or get into Ycombinator, and decide what to do with Soulo - full time or license the IP?

Run a half marathon and continue to improve at tennis and badminton

Get better at jazz piano and perform at a recital

Try an art class (pick between painting, water color, sketching)

Execute 1 personal project

Continue to improve my apartment, make it more “designer” and less cluttered

Cook more intentionally and try new recipes

Read 1 book

In 2023, I would like to have a better relationship with food and be more disciplined. I want to have better eating habits. I want to stop mindlessly eating while watching TV or my phone. I want to stop using food as a way to compensate for my lack of sleep. I want to gauge when I feel close to full and stop eating to a point of discomfort. I want to stop following eating scripts like dessert after dinner, even though I’m already full. I want to stop feeling “food fomo” and getting food that I don’t really need just because I’m in the area. Food is becoming less enjoyable because of these bad habits and makes me feel gross which is really unfortunate. In 2023, I would like to be more in touch with my artistic side. I want to absorb more of the world, and take in the things around me. I want to take some art classes and explore new mediums and get creative with a personal project. And lastly, in 2023, I would like to be less anxious and to be more self aware of my anxiety and to control it. I don’t want to live anxiously, I want to live care free.

I’m really looking forward to living with Jonathan again and sharing a space together. I’m excited to be able share more of my life with him and make memories together. I feel a little bit anxious about how we’ll adjust together, if he’ll like this apartment, and whether he’ll want to hang out with my friends, but overall, I’m just looking forward to feeling relaxed and content with him at home. I also can’t wait to see what this year holds for travel. Going to China and seeing my extended family for the first time in 3 years will be exciting to see my cousins grow since high school and going to Japan and even potentially other parts of Asia will be so fun. I would also like to have a stronger relationship with my grandma and take her outside and do more activities together and hear her stories.

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eternalxbarbie · 2 years

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high infidelity II FORWOOD

Seemed like the right thing at the time. You know there’s many different ways that you can kill the one you love. The slowest way is never loving them enough.

Out of everyone that he had at his disposal, Tyler had chosen to text Caroline. That was cause for concern on it’s own. The pair hadn’t spoken since that fateful day at the bar, and her efforts to find him when he’d been missing had been more for Jeremy’s sake rather than actual compassion for the wolf. Still, when the request to talk came, she had forced herself to put any animosity aside and hear Tyler out.

They had decided to meet on neutral ground. She had almost considered asking him to rendezvous at Scull Bar, but given their last encounter there she had decided against it. So instead they met in the quad. Caroline had to admit that she felt safer meeting him in public than behind closed doors. While she knew that Tyler had probably been changed by his experience stuck as his wolf, she also didn’t completely trust him yet.

He had arrived first, sitting on a bench in the middle of campus and dreading what was going to come next. His left leg was in constant motion, foot tapping against the hard ground as anxiety and nerves rose in his stomach. When the blonde arrived, Tyler stood up, shooting her a sheepish smile.

“I wasn’t sure you’d come,” he admitted.

There had been a few moments where she hadn’t been sure either, but here she stood, hoping for the best and prepared for the worst. “Well, you sounded urgent. I figured it’d be rude to stand you up.”

He nods and an awkward silence settles over the pair as he considers how to start. Honesty didn’t come naturally to Tyler. That was an occupational hazard of growing up in the Lockwood family; they valued their secrets more than they valued each other. Caroline, though, had always appreciated candor and he wasn’t going to deny her of that anymore. “I’m sorry I stabbed you.”

Those words hung in the air for a moment, and she let herself feel their weight before she responded. “It’s not okay,” she started, looking up into his chocolate brown eyes. “I know that you want me to say that it’s okay, but it’s not.”

“That’s not what I—”

She holds a hand up to stop him before he can protest further. “But I can forgive you. We loved each other once, Ty. We were good to each other until too much happened and we couldn’t get past it and I don’t want to constantly be at odds with you. It’s not good for either of us, or for the people that love us both.”

Fuck, why did she have to be so goddamn nice? If she was still angry, still full of vitriol and rage, it’d be easier to get to the next reveal. Part of him loathed her for that natural goodness, the moral compass in her that seemed to always point to true north. Perhaps loathed wasn’t the right word. Envied. Being good, honest, kind...it came so naturally to Caroline while Tyler felt like he had to bite and scratch and claw to find his center.

“Don’t forgive me just yet,” he mumbled, well aware that her vampire hearing was going to pick up that little jib. She raised an inquisitive eyebrow in response, unsure of what else he could have possibly done that would upset her more than their last encounter.

Tyler sighs, brown eyes melting into her cerulean ones as he silently pleaded for mercy. “When I was out there in my wolf form, there wasn’t a whole lot to do except try to figure out how my life had gotten to this point. I had a ton of time to think about all of the mistakes that I’d made over the years, all the people that I’ve hurt. I tried to pinpoint where it all started to go wrong and that just kind of led me down the ever growing list of all my sins. I don’t think I’ve ever felt regret the way I did out there.”

Concern was etched into every feature of her face as she listened to Tyler speak, wishing that she was still a person that was able to comfort him. Too much had happened, though, and even if she wanted to it simply wouldn’t feel right to offer him her shoulder to cry on. Still, she sat quietly as he continued, wondering exactly where all this was heading.

“Then I got home and everything just felt so different. I had this clarity that I’ve never felt before, like I really know who I am and what’s important to me for the first time in my life.”

Caroline smiles, glad to hear that he had been able to find some kind of positivity through all the pain. “I’m really glad for you, Ty.”

He shoots her a small smile. “Seeing Jeremy again, feeling loved by him again, it made me want to be better not just for myself, but for us. Then I found out about Bekah, and all I wanted to do was be the guy that was strong enough to find her, the guy that I was supposed to be for you.”

She opens her mouth to speak and he shakes his head. “Please, Care, just let me get this all out.”

She sighs, relenting to his request and remaining silent, for now at least. “Then I met Isabella.” The grin that took over Tyler’s face was one unlike any Caroline had ever seen from him before, all pride and joy and radiance. “And I had someone else to fight for, someone else that I needed to grow and better myself for. But the icing on the cake? I found out that Noelle’s pregnant. We’re going to have a baby and we can’t even stand to be in the same room as each other.”

Now that particular nugget truly shocked her. She was happy for Tyler, overjoyed that he was going to get the family that he had always craved, but God this was going to get messy. She waited for him to continue, sensing there was still more to come.

“I don’t want my kids to ever know the version of me that I was when I killed Declan, when I stabbed you. Isabella, she’s old enough that I’m sure she’s heard stories about me that aren’t the most flattering and I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to replace those stories with memories of me being the best dad possible. And the baby? That kid has a chance to only know me at my best.” He bites his lip, looking down at his hands. He couldn’t meet her eye for this part. “But I know that I’m not at my best if I’m not being honest and I haven’t been honest with you about something.”

Caroline was incredibly confused. They had broken up months ago, anything that had happened between them could be hashed out and she wasn’t sure why this was so drawn out. “Okay, Ty, I appreciate the backstory but the anticipation is literally going to kill me. Just...what is it?”

It takes every bit of strength and courage that exists within him to force himself to look up and meet her eye. “I lied to you. You asked me a question when I got back from breaking the sire bond, and I lied to your face.”

No. There was no way that he would have done that to her. She refused to believe it until he spelled it out and her face was hard when she answered. “Say it.”

Tyler gulps, self loathing and shame washing over him but he forces himself to speak loudly and clearly so she can’t force him to say it twice. “I cheated on you. I slept with Hayley.”

Caroline can’t move at first, too stunned to speak. When he had first gotten home with Hayley in town, part of her had suspected but he had sworn to her on everything that they were just friends. She had put her insecurities aside for him, decided to trust him, despite every part of her screaming at her not to be so stupid. His lies had been something she had allowed herself to take as gospel and now it was like she had to process that it had all been some big sham.

The blonde decided quickly that she wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of getting angry, not here, not in front of him. She forces herself to stay calm and collected, standing up and gathering her purse, beginning to walk away from him without a word.

“Care, please!” he calls after her, desperation in his voice. “I know you’re pissed and you have every right to be but please just talk to me.”

Her face is cold when she turns to face him again, voice full of ice and venom. “What is there to say, Tyler? You cheated on me, lied to me for years, made me feel like a whore when I slept with Klaus, hated me for loving him when the whole time, you betrayed anything we had years ago. You played me. Congratulations. In the battle of which one of us can hurt the other one more, you win.”

He hangs his head in shame, not daring to refute her claims. “I just thought that you should know the truth.”

Caroline scoffs. “Don’t bullshit me, Tyler. This isn’t about me knowing the truth. This is about you absolving your own guilt. If you really cared about me, you would never have told me the truth. The real sacrifice would have been you being forced to sit on that lie for the rest of your life and suffer alone. But you just couldn’t do it. You had to drag me into it with you, when I’m finally actually starting to let myself feel happy again. I mean, is there just an alarm in your head that goes off every time that I finally feel okay?”

She sighs, sad smile on her face. “I’m going to walk away now before I do something that I regret. But Tyler, you listen and you listen good because I need you to really hear me this time.” She takes a step forward, more poison in her tone than he had ever heard from her. Fuck, she was scary when she was mad. “From this moment forward, you do not exist to me. As far as I’m concerned, you never came back from the other side. Don’t speak to me, don’t think of me, don’t look at me and don’t try to use Jeremy or Klaus to change my mind.” A hollow laugh escapes her lips and she forces herself to fight back the angry tears that are desperate to spill from her blue eyes. “You’re dead to me.”

And then she left, no glance back, no regretful stare. The chasm between them was larger than ever, and this time there was no fixing it.

#sp #high infidelity

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deathandthemaiden23 · 2 years

Text

Knotted Together (NSFW ONESHOT)

Death and Sidhela consummate their relationship for the first time.

He wanted her to scream and cry underneath him like the banshee she was; he wanted for her to call to him in that wonderfully sad yet unmistakably beautiful way, but in the throes of ecstasy rather than mourning for her lost brethren. Her purpose in this form was to summon him with her keening sobs, and he had been summoned, all right, summoned to hopeless, helpless enthrallment at her side. He was so completely and irrevocably enchanted with her, in everything that she was. She was kind, talented, beautiful, funny, and she was all his. She, like all the others, had not escaped him, but in a way markedly different from the rest. She had found herself captive to his devotion, his adulation, his lust, and this was not a fate worse than death, to be loved by something so destructive. This was life, life in its purest form, that she was content to share with him, and only him. They were alone, perhaps, in their respective obligations towards the deceased, but at the very least, they were alone together.

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The night she had first invited him into her bed was one he didn’t want to ever forget. He had come to her as he always did; eagerly, happily, and with the intent to bond, to get closer to her than he had been the last they’d met. That was always the objective; he wanted to be close to her, no matter where they went or what they did together. And though things had progressed in a direction between them that he quite honestly didn’t expect (even if he had been earnestly hoping and hoping that it might come to pass), they had, by all accounts… Kept things fairly chaste so far. Death knew the value of consent very well; he often had to take people into the afterlife kicking and screaming, and though it thrilled him to chase after those that didn’t value life in the first place, he had to admit that there was something… Uncomfortable, in taking someone that valued life to the extent that they were petrified to let go of it. He wasn’t a monster or some kind of depraved, morally-defunct boogeyman; he was simply a force of nature doing its job and ensuring that the world functioned and proceeded as normal. The fact that this wasn’t easily or universally understood, it… Got under his skin a little bit. It irritated him, quite frankly.

But Sidhela was different. Sidhela barely saw the obligation weighing on his shoulders; what she saw in him was nothing more than simply a friend, a companion, and even a confidante. She saw in him potential that the mortals just couldn’t wrap their minds around; who could, after all, see the humanity in death, when death was the absence of life itself? Sidhela, however, was exceptional in the sense that she began a mortal and became something else entirely. She knew the weight of his presence quite well; she had danced with the possibility of him on numerous occasions in her old life, and had come close so many times to tasting his lips as he stole her breath away forever, but she’d managed to persevere in the end. Cursed now with the burden of probable immortality, she was now to reconcile her grievances with life and gain a new appreciation for all facets of its cycle. Birth, youth, maturity, old age, and then, the unavoidable grip of impermanence in this world. No one lived forever, after all, not even Sidhela, nor Death himself. The universe would end eventually, and when it did, he would be the last one standing after her, but his existence would end too when there were no souls remaining for which he was to collect.

He could see in Sidhela a morbid appreciation for her own natural end as a result of all her brushes with it; the concept of a place beyond her mental understanding, void of pain and hardship, but now… Now she couldn’t get sick, nor could she age. She likely couldn’t physically die unless mortally wounded in an incredibly arcane and specific way. He knew that must be hell on earth for someone so fundamentally tormented by her own environment, and so… He was there, to be the tattered but familiar childhood blanket wrapped around her shivering shoulders. He didn’t know when she would die, nor did she, but until that day came, he was content to stay at her side. It must be harrowing, after all, to expect to live a mere fraction of a second and then be paid unexpected dividends of eons’ worth of time for which she was essentially bound to and unable to escape. He felt for her, he really did. Birth was a curse to many, and existence a prison to so many more, and he knew Sidhela to have once been one of them to espouse such an embittered, jaded feeling. She had told him as much in their very first meeting, that she didn’t want to be here. If he had his way, and if he could only get through to her, he would make her see the value of living once more.

So he’d come at her every beck and call, not just for his own personal ends, hoping to curry favor with a potential lover and mate, but because he wanted for her not to feel alone just as he had felt for such an inestimable amount of time. He so loved to see her face, perpetually stained with blackened tears, light up at the mere sight of him, whenever she opened the door to her cottage to see him waiting there with some kind of gift or trinket to offer her before stepping inside with a lighthearted whistle. It was often food from the village, sometimes various accessories or fineries as tokens of affection (he knew she had a keen appreciation for pendants and jewelry; they “made her feel pretty,” she had shyly told him one day), but it was most often flowers. He knew she liked roses, but they were rather hard to find where she lived, so he had learned over time to compensate with other kinds. The easter lily was prevalent in her region, as were buttercups and primroses (he especially liked to gift her these, always citing that they were “the key to a good afterlife, ninita.”), but he would go out of his way to find four-leaf clovers for her, because he was addicted to the way her face would be overcome with astonished jubilation when presented with an entire bouquet of them.

“Ó dhia, Muerte, you didn’t have to get me these!” She would say, though always accepting them with the most adorably awkward grin. She would hug them to her chest with a bubbly giggle, then immediately working to set them in a vase with water.

“Absurdo, mi pequena, I couldn’t resist.” He replies with a toothy smile, stepping into her woodland cottage. He always had to hunch over when he was in here; he was much too tall to stand at full height without his head touching the ceiling, but that was okay. It simply reminded him of just how small she was, her stature so diminutive in contrast to his and that… Well, it gave him shameful thoughts. Thoughts he had no choice but to bury until it was more appropriate to entertain them.

“W-Well, a-ah… Don’t just stand around, buachaill amaideach.” She says playfully, closing the cottage door behind him. “Sit, sit!” She tells him, placing a hand at his back and beckoning him towards the couch.

He chuckles as he follows her direction. “…Only if you join me, querida.” He tells her in a sultry voice, patting the cushion next to him as his tail curls comfortably around the side of his hindleg. To his delight, she would always join him without hesitation, and ever since their little tea party a couple weeks before, the distance between them had been closing more and more with each day.

Before, they would both keep distinct space between them so as not to force something that might not be there, that might never happen to begin with, but ever since they’d surpassed the hurdle of confessing their feelings for one another, the barrier of celibacy was starting to wear thin. Now, Sidhela practically sat in his lap whenever they took to the couch, and whatever conversation they shared would always eventually devolve into sexually tense silence over time, in which Sidhela would then swiftly find herself slammed on her back, caged against the couch cushions as he stooped to lick and nip at her face before finally taking her lips again.

“M-Muerte, ahhah~” She would sigh helplessly in between kisses, her breath hitching at every little nip and love bite, but she would nevertheless succumb to his will anyway, even going so far as to encourage him and pull him closer.

“Keep it down, mi nina…” He would always tell her teasingly, pulling back just enough to look her in the eyes. How small and vulnerable she always looked beneath him; it simply drove him wild. He lovingly cups the side of her cheek with a massive paw, closing in to peck her on the lips for what had to have been about the thousandth time this night alone, relishing the way her joyful giggles tasted on his tongue.

“M-Muerte, Muerte wait…” She breathes into the fur of his cheek. He tickles her with the cold wetness of his nose pressed against the thrum of her pulse and she gasps when he takes a snuffling inhale there, but he pulls back anyway, giving her a look not so much impatient as it was… Eager. Antsy.

“Is something wrong?” He asks her carefully. He wanted to keep going, wanted to keep going so bad. Oh, how delicious she smelled at this very moment; he could hardly stand it.

She bashfully shakes her head, smoothing her delicate hands down the sides of his poncho as she looks up into the intimidating glint of his eyes, red as fresh blood against virgin snow. “I j-just… U-Uhm…”

“Yes?” He presses.

She falters there. “D-Do you… Have to get going, soon…?” Her voice is small and timid, as though she feared the answer. She’s fiddling with her hands now.

He laughs. “Mi rosa, I just got here. Are you already tired of me?”

“N-No!” She exclaims, flustered, and he cocks an eyebrow at her. “I th-thought that… That maybe we could… That you could…”

He can hear, can feel the way her heart beats restlessly in her chest, and it seems to harmonize with his own. With enough luck, they were both thinking the same thing. He didn’t want to be arrogant nor presumptuous, so he just lets her struggle to spit it out. Sadistic in a fashion, perhaps, but he was not immune to the thrill of such a thing on occasion. Her flusterment, her embarrassment in this moment was absolutely delectable to him, and as he works to dissect the look in her eyes as she lays squirming beneath him, he comes to the conclusion that she must be about to propose something more intimate than they’d ever undertaken before.

“W-Will you… Cuh-Come with me, mo mhac tíre dathúil?” She asks of him almost numbly, starting to sit up now. He allows her the room to do so and looks at her in puzzlement as she scoots off the couch and extends a hand to him. “H-Here, I… I want you to follow me.”

Slightly concerned, he nevertheless does as he’s asked, taking her hand in his paw and standing up as much as he was able. “…Where are you going with this, ninita?” He asks uncertainly, following her down the hall to a closed door. She doesn’t answer him, simply opening it and gently pulling him inside.

It’s a small room, but inside is something that immediately catches his attention. A lush and lavish queen-sized canopy bed lies in the center against the far wall, with gossamer curtains akin to spiderweb decorating the frame of it, ethereally lit by suspended jars of dragonflies all around the perimeter. Far from stupid, he immediately processes her implication in having brought him here. “Tch tch, nina traviesa…” He chides her playfully as she walks past him, trying to add some levity with his teasing to lessen her apparent discomfort. “Are you trying to get me into bed?”

She stops before the mattress and turns to him, back to outwardly displaying her timid inhibition in having led him here as she nervously begins to wring her hands again. Though he could sense on her a reluctance to be fully candid about her desires, it was purely undeniable that she had brought him into her most vulnerable place with explicit intention. She wanted something from him, and that was just great, because he wanted something from her too. Desperately.

Her fumbling hands pause for a moment as she looks up at him. “Can I… Sh-Show you something, mo ghra?”

He blinks at her a few times, unable to make heads or tails of this. Show him something? Right now? What could it possibly even be? As his mind races to unearth the answer to this puzzling question, his thoughts are thusly interrupted as her shaking fingers start to unknot the ribbon holding her corset together. His eyes now rooted to her hands, he watches as she removes the corset entirely, casting it to the side in an uncharacteristically careless fashion as she begins to slowly move towards him. Her hips sway ever so slightly as she makes her way closer, transfixing him to the very sight of her, and time stops right there as her hands finally meet his. She takes his paws and places them at the hem of her smocked dress, silently instructing him as to what he should do as she looks up at him, eyes glistening, lip trembling, perhaps out of fear of rejection. He’s frozen for a moment, but a powerful rush of arousal knocks the wind out of him as she squeezes his hands and cocks her head at him almost sadly.

“Please…” She whispers to him. “I want you, Muerte…”

That was all the permission he needed; all the encouragement necessary for him to rediscover sensation in his fingers. A simple tug from both of his hands and the flimsy garment goes cascading down around her ankles, finally baring her to him completely. He unconsciously stumbles back half a step in awe at the sight of her; her cleavage was almost always observable to him in her dress’s saucy Bardot-style neckline, but he had never before seen her so… Completely vulnerable. Her breasts were full and heavy, her nipples perky and hardened with unmistakable arousal… Between her legs was her plump mound clearly visible and on display for him, slightly hidden behind an adorable little patch of silver pubic hair, and it’s all such an excruciating sensory overload, between the sight of her ample, delicious little body and the smell of desire permeating her shivering form and the sound of their combined heartbeats pulsating endlessly inside that little room, that a low growl starts to emit from his throat without his immediate notice.

“Ay dios, ninita…” He breathes, still growling. One paw starts to curl around her wrist, his claws digging harshly into the fragile skin as his eyes begin to set ablaze with furious want and yearning. If she wanted this, if she wanted him, then she was going to get so much more than she bargained for. All bets were off now. He had waited so long for this, and he had wanted so long for this, but no more. No more. “Hueles deliciosa…” He sighs in a voice so low and infernal that it makes her toes curl.

He yanks her wrist towards him just then, earning from her an adorably startled squeak as she crashes into his chest, and enjoys just how she stands rigid in exhilaration as he now starts to stalk around her, circling her slowly like a predator sizing up prey. He snuffles diligently at her scent as he prowls before her, and one too many fragile whimpers falling on his keen and incisive ears has him practically flinging her into her own bed before climbing over her with a dirty chuckle. He discards his poncho, weighty and dense, to the side before leaning in close to her.

“I think I can smell something on you that you haven’t been telling me yet…” He sing-songs in a teasing whisper. “Tell me, mi flor…” He grins, one paw trailing from her fragile collarbone to rest gently at the curve of her mound. “…¿Tu flor sigue aquí?” He rubs slowly and deliberately there as if investigating his own inquiry, emboldened by the way that she helplessly pushes her pelvis into his probing hand. “Are you… Still pure?”

She flushes before him, slowly but shakily nodding her head.

His grin widens. “Perfecta. I always thought you had a virgin’s glow.”

She giggles beneath him. “W-Well… I was never popular, in town, that way.” She stumbles on her words awkwardly, but it doesn’t kill his want for her; rather, it only exacerbates it. She was just so cute. “I thought I might never be and well... Looks like I was right.”

“Mmm, well… I’d say you’re pretty popular where I’m concerned.” He says roguishly, wagging his brows at her seductively as he slots himself in closer to her.

“Stop, diabhal tu, you’re making me blush.” She deflects shyly, pushing at his shoulder playfully.

He chuckles darkly at her demure misdirection, his paw still resting at her vulnerable mound. “I’m no devil, mi corazon… Just death, only death.” He says in a low tone. “And I’m all. Yours…” He leans in to give her a kiss and then pulls back on his haunches to start removing his drawers.

Despite her relative boldness up until this point, she’s not at all prepared for the sight of it, of his cock starting to emerge and grow erect in his hand as he fully divests himself of his pants and finally tosses them to the side. She squeaks in mortified embarrassment at being privy to his fully naked body now, hiding behind her hands as she can observe the tip of his cock glistening with excitement and arousal for her. He’s so big, he looks utterly enormous to her, the size of him clearly proportional to his massive frame and impressive stature; she supposed she should have expected that, but it was something she had never admittedly put much thought into until right at this very moment in time.

He cocks his head at her, seeming to assess her hesitation. “Hey, are you okay?” He asks slowly. “Do you… Still want this, mi nina?”

She swallows hard, her heart more restless than before, but silently gives him her answer via slowly spreading her thighs for him. “…Just be gentle, mo ghra.” She breathes.

He smiles wolfishly at her in acknowledgement of her plea and holds her closer as he slots himself between her legs. He rubs himself up against her slit, positively creamy with arousal for him, and slowly begins to ease in. The bed begins to creak beneath their combined weight as he shifts himself, placing his hands carefully at her ample hips as his shaft starts to work its way inside of her. She grunts girlishly at the intrusion, throwing her head back in the pillows beneath her in utter agony as the stretch pulls her open completely, but he’s slow, gentle. He takes his time, he makes sure that what he’s doing isn’t too much for her, and his considerate demeanor is enough to make her melt like honey in his paws.

“M-Muerte…” She whimpers with a shuddering sigh. But suddenly, out of nowhere, there’s a pop inside her. She seizes up and gasps. “M-M-Muerte!” She simpers helplessly, clinging to him tight as he pushes in even more. “M-Muerte, I—”

“It’s okay, mi amor. I just popped your cherry.” He reassures her with a guttural chuckle, hilting himself deeper. “Lay back, relaaaax… Let tu muerte take care of you…”

A shiver of arousal ripples through her as she nods shakily at his words. She stares, gobsmacked, at the ceiling as he gradually fills her completely, and once he’s worked himself all the way in, he slowly starts to pull out again. In time he discovers a slow, sensual rhythm, rocking in and out of her carefully, and it’s taking everything he has not to simply ravage her like this. The look in her eyes, the noises, the smell of her musk as he took her, it was… Undeniably decadent. But he wanted more. He wanted to flip her over and hike her ass in the air and mate with her that way, but this was all the more romantic, all the more suitable a position for their first time, so he restrains himself. The time for that would come soon, but not now.

But still, he cannot restrain himself from thrusting faster now, leaning over her at a steep angle to bore down into her feeble eyes as he continued his increasingly more rapid pace. The sound of their joined bodies is lewd and indecent, and he can tell that the naughtiness of it is driving her to absolute distraction, but the sight of her so overcome with untrammeled ecstasy, her face awash with heat that he could practically feel, even taste, it was beyond words, so he can do little else but keep bucking into her.

“Ninita cachonda…” He growls, squeezing her hip as he moves. She arches her spine in such a desperate, wanton way that it only stokes the fire roaring inside of him that much more. The sensation of her little cunt, contracting and fluttering around his shaft, it was… “Su bonita pequena concha…” He grunts, issuing an especially deep thrust. “Es tan epretado… Mmm….”

“M-Muerte, I… I… Hahhahh…” She mewls, covering her face in bashful mortification at his words, of which she didn’t fully understand but could tell were filthy and lecherous by the tone of voice alone, but her thoughts are interrupted as she can feel his claws digging painfully into the fleshiness of her hips as if to get her attention. She cries out at the sensation of it, white-hot and excruciating as the razor quality of his talons breaks the skin ever so slightly, her hands jolting from her face to find his chest and clinging there like a lifeline through the pain.

“No, no, you need to look at me.” He demands, gently despite the savageness of his actions. She obliges him, if timidly, and obediently keeps his fiery, passionate gaze despite her own mortified embarrassment. He smiles at her, rewarding her for her compliance with rich praise. “Yes… Buena nina…”

He hunches over her now, gripping her by her waist and pulling her closer, pulling himself closer as he continues to thrust and look into her eyes, and as time goes on, he’s starting to lose his grip on his composure. He’d never truly experienced something so blissful with another breathing thing; he’d never been able to truly let go, never been able to experience real, unabashed release, and even now he had to hold himself back so he wouldn’t cause her pain. Oh, some part of him did want to make her hurt, but in that delicious, irresistible way that they would both relish in. He wanted her to scream and cry underneath him like the banshee she was; he wanted for her to call to him in that wonderfully sad yet unmistakably beautiful way, but in the throes of ecstasy rather than mourning for her lost brethren. Her purpose in this form was to summon him with her keening sobs, and he had been summoned, all right, summoned to hopeless, helpless enthrallment at her side. He was so completely and irrevocably enchanted with her, in everything that she was. She was kind, talented, beautiful, funny, and she was all his. She, like all the others, had not escaped him, but in a way markedly different from the rest. She had found herself captive to his devotion, his adulation, his lust, and this was not a fate worse than death, to be loved by something so destructive. This was life, life in its purest form, that she was content to share with him, and only him. They were alone, perhaps, in their respective obligations towards the deceased, but at the very least, they were alone together.

“Mi pedacito de Cielo…” He groans, shuddering as a big wave of pleasure starts to crest closer to him. “You feel so good… Ay, mierda…” He starts to ramble incoherently under his breath now in his own language as he continues to thrust, and the sound of it rolling off his tongue only fills her with more desperate, wanton desire for him.

“Muerte, I w-want… Want you to… G-Go faster…” She tells him in a small, fragile voice. “L-Le do thoil… Ahahha~ P-Please…”

At her permission, he immediately starts to speed up, and the friction is enough to drive him to absolute madness; he just couldn’t help himself, she was so fucking tight. He holds on to her in a vice grip, as much desperate for her to ground him as she sought the same from him, and he observes with perverse delight the sight of her breasts bouncing with each juddering thrust for him. He cannot resist the temptation of touching them like this, sliding his paws carefully over her skin and squeezing them lecherously all the while. He takes her nipples between his thumb and index pad and starts to pinch just hard enough to make her arch her spine for him again with a fragile squeak, and he simply melts as he slides his paws around from her breasts to her back to prop her up against him, her chest squishing decadently against his as they join together completely.

He pulls her against him desperately, bucking into her with reckless abandon now, because the imminent pull of his first orgasm is starting to well up inside of him. It had not been more than about ten minutes and he was already close; he supposed that so much time spent pent-up with unbearable sexual frustration for her over these past few months had unraveled him quicker than he thought possible. But he was not going to stop for quite a while; this was a long time coming, and he decided she would take it until he was completely satisfied. Luckily, he knew that, while her endurance was likely low as a result of her recently virginal status and complete lack of true sexual experience, she wanted the same from him. It was clear in all her actions stretching all the way back to their first encounter that she was just as crazy for him as he was for her. She’d always been fascinated with the concept of him, even if that fascination was born from a desire to stop her own inner turmoil, and to lay with him now and take everything he had to give her, it was a reconciliation of sorts with the concept of mortality, even if she was likely safe from it, at least for a very long time. She might die just a little bit tonight, but only from the pleasure between her legs. He grins at the thought of her squealing in helpless ecstasy as she came around his cock, and oh… His seed, while ultimately infertile (it made no sense for him to procreate, after all; for what reason, really, would death have to create life?), was building up inside of him like a torrent, and he was going to sprawl himself on top of her as he pushed his knot inside and let his warm release spill and pool against her fragile walls for hours. And then, once that was done and it shrunk at long last, he would pull out and begin to thrust anew, would take her to a second climax more completely mind-numbing than the first. Oh, he was going to absolutely break her with desire tonight. Sure, he was shirking his duties for this, but for the time being he really couldn’t care less. He wanted this, just wanted it so badly, and he knew that she wanted it just the same.

Her own orgasm is starting to creep up on her, and she slides her arms underneath his to pull him closer in a desperate caress, crying out helplessly as he begins to lick and nip at her neck and collarbone again.

“Are you getting close, ninita?” He breathes raggedly in her ear, pulling back just enough to look her in the eyes again. She nods her head quickly in the most delicious agony, and an idea strikes him just then, a way to pull her apart even more thoroughly than he had been before. He grins a devious grin and slides one pad against her erect clit and starts to rub very deliberately there, nudging her most intimate place in an earnest attempt to completely shatter her mind. She sucks in a hitching gasp and loudly cries out his name, which only seems to spur him on further.

“Oh yes…” He coos at her, still moving, still thrusting. “Cry for me, Sidhela…”

“M-Muerte…” She sobs… “Mi Muerte… Mo ghra… I cuh-can’t… Can’t take it…”

He rubs a little faster. “Cum for me, mi amada… Mi preciosa… You can do it…”

She seizes up with a girlish gasp as it slams right into her, her body apparently reacting to his filthy words enough that it would finally trigger her long-awaited orgasm. Without shame, she squeals his name underneath him as she squirms and fights to escape her own pleasure. “M-Muh-MUERTE!”

He’s done in completely at the neediness in her voice and follows not long after, hitting her with a few more deep thrusts before his cock starts to swell and knot up inside of her. His cock engorges enough to stretch her open even more, to the point of real and honest pain, but she has no choice but to lay there and take it as the warm, almost burning sensation of his cock shooting ropes of hot cum inside of her fills her vulnerable womb. She desperately gulps down as much air as she can but the sheer magnitude of her climax has left her completely breathless, and he immediately takes advantage with a quick, indulgent kiss before starting to lick attentively and affectionately at her face. The feeling of his release inside of her feels positively naughty in the best way possible, and she hasn’t the slightest idea how long it's going to last even as he rolls them over in the bed and yanks her against his chest to hold her against him with his cock still buried inside of her cunt.

“Oh dhia, oh my god, I-I… Hahh…” She babbles with residual ecstasy, pressing her pelvis up against his swollen bulge and basking in the continued sensation of his cum still flowing endlessly inside of her, the way they were pressed together, the way they were attached, joined together by the sheer size of his knot trapped inside her eager walls. Her belly is starting to swell ever so slightly with the sheer amount of his seed, and she finds herself blushing furiously as he begins to rub there lovingly, sliding a careful hand in between their bodies to inspect what he had just done to her. As they both come down from their respective highs, he nuzzles his snout in her hair and breathes in the scent of her, an earthy, almost floral scent.

“You did well, mi corazon, so well…” He praises her in a low whisper, still breathing raggedly from so much continued exertion on his lungs.

“Was I… G-Good for you?” She asks him timidly, albeit flushing from his approval. “You said before that you didn’t see the point, i-in… Doing this with anyone else. Was I… Good enough? To have, you know, to do this with… For real…?”

“More than good, perfect.” He reassures her, adjusting himself to push himself in deeper. It was a primal instinct he couldn’t help but indulge. He pulls her closer gently by the back of her neck, a dominant gesture that makes her pussy flutter with freshly stoked lust as she buries her face in his chest. He wraps one of his hindlegs around her thigh to further entangle their bodies together, and the sheer intimacy of it is… Completely intoxicating, to say the least, so much so that it makes him want to fuck her again. Harsher, more aggressively this time. She’d already adjusted to his size and that meant that she could likely handle rough treatment to at least some degree, but before all that, impatient as he was, he needed to let the biological function of his chosen form run its course completely. He couldn’t keep going until his knot shrunk, and that, well… It could be hours. Plenty of time to engage in pillow talk, to bond through what they had just done together. Knotted together, they were one in this moment. Two halves of the same whole.

“I wasn’t too much for you, was I?” He asks her gently, beyond pleased when she immediately shakes her head in his chest, too bashful to look him in the eyes just now. He would allow her this reservation; he had insisted on her eye contact throughout most of this, and he had to admit there was something altogether comforting about the way that she hid herself there against him, too shy, too timid to face him after the filthiness and debauchery she just allowed herself to engage in. He could tell that she was a rather repressed girl; how could she not be, after all, when she had spent her life a pariah in her hometown? She’d likely never been courted by anyone or anything before, never been shown genuine interest or desire from another living soul, and that saddened him, even angered him. She deserved to feel wanted, she deserved to feel beautiful, and it was times like these he honestly resented the life in this world for being so needlessly cruel towards those like her.

The freaks, the weirdos; he’d always preferred them. He admired their daring to defy the status quo and live their lives in a way decidedly different from the rest, even at the sometimes-deadly wrath of those around them that didn’t appreciate their nonconformity. Strange though she was, he could not deny there was something so compelling and endearing about that peculiarity; it made him want to know every little intimate detail about her. It hooked him and pulled him in; he wanted to know her soul completely and understand her in all her idiosyncrasies. He wanted to know more of her mysterious affliction; even after nigh on half a year in knowing her, that enigma still hadn’t been solved and it quite honestly puzzled him. But, for now at least, that didn’t particularly matter. Towards her, she only deserved the best, and he’d decided right then and there that that’s what she would get from him. Complete and total devotion; what an odd thing, perhaps, to court death itself, but he’d known that she was brave enough to do so in the past. Even if she never had the gall to follow through, she had certainly considered him many times, and that intrigued him. Though they hadn’t formally met no more than a handful of months ago, she had known him for a very long time indeed.

About an hour and a half had passed before his knot finally began to shrink, and with it, they decided unanimously to keep going. It had seemed all their time remaining chaste had caught up to them, and now they were positively insatiable for each other. The time they spent tied together was absolute blissful nirvana, and it did nothing but make them hotter for each other than they’d been previously, if that were even possible. This time, she found herself on her knees with him fitted up against her back, taking him faster than before in a way so deliciously primal that it almost made her dizzy. She was reduced to blubbering sobs underneath him now, crying not out of fear in the least, but out of complete and total enslavement to her own wanton desire. He was much the same, grunting and growling over her and resisting the urge to sink his teeth into her shoulder as he rutted in and out of her, but not now, not yet. He’d introduce her to kinkier aspects of this in time, but he was content for the time being to simply engage in sex in its purest form, to keep it rather vanilla so to speak.

Over time, she became exhausted from all the continuous physical intimacy and found her eyes finally glazing over as she laid completely spent in his arms. He had been petting her hair lovingly in an attempt to lull her faster to sleep, because, well, he’d spent too much time with her as it was. He needed to continue business as usual, and he’d dodged his obligation for long enough. As he bent over her to carefully assess her fatigue, he’s pleased to find her fast asleep in his arms at long last. He sits up and gently situates her with a pillow to simulate his presence, charmed as she readily clings to it in her sleepy haze and finally plants a kiss on the warmth of her forehead before he takes his leave. But he would be back. He always came back for her. From their first meeting to the very last, he would stay with her just as she did with him. Knotted together by a string of fate.

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