#'watching this i really felt that a terrible tragedy was coming'

[colemckenzies]

this comment on 2000 heaven on their minds is what made me progress into a Full Spiral today btw. literally gnawing my table reading this.

[lili-harg]

Can you do a izana fic? where he falls for the reader at first sight? It would be too cute!!! Tyyy

Hello and thank you for your request, if you want part two of this, tell me and I will be happy to write it. 🫶🏻

Fall in love at the first sight

• Izana x reader

• warnings: mentions of sadness, depressive behavior

A sunny, calm, silent and a little melancholy afternoon, Izana would say if he could define it. He was sitting looking at the city dock.

He was in a state of tranquility or at least that's what it seemed like from afar, the reality is that the white-haired man felt empty, broken. He himself couldn't define it, but he knew that something inside hurt. Maybe remembering the tragedy of his life, or remembering Shinichiro, he doesn't know.

His hair moved gently in the wind, appearing calm, but his repairs became irregular, and his eyes began to water without asking permission. Anguish, perhaps that's what Izana was feeling, he lowered his head, forming an even more melancholic image, perhaps loneliness embraced him and that's what he belonged to, those thoughts passed through the young man's head.

The violet-eyed man didn't realize that he was being watched by a young woman who had worried too much.

-'I hope he's not thinking about doing what I think he's going to do' said the young y/n, she was very afraid of having to witness such a tragic act.

-'I have to go, even though I don't have the guts, come on y/n! you can' the movie and/h he encouraged himself.

Without thinking for another moment he walked towards the young man who seemed depressed and shouted

-"STOP!"

Izana, without waiting for that sudden scream, turned around ready to act in defense until he saw a female figure approaching him quickly. When she was at a reasonable distance she decided to stop to breathe, she had forgotten her terrible physical condition.

Izana still couldn't see the face of that strange young woman who yelled at him since she had her head down trying to catch her breath. Meanwhile y/n could make out that red uniform, and of course, it was that of one of the most dangerous gangs in the city;

-'Great y/n you're brilliant, you yelled at a gang member and now you can't even look him in the face, just great. You will die in the stupidest way possible' but she quickly remembered why she was there and that it was not the time to mentally fight with herself for her impulsive decisions.

So she raised her head with the dignity she had and (with his eyes closed since he was not brave enough to look at him) he said quickly and almost without modulating the words:

-"please don't throw yourself away, I know that life sometimes It seems like shit but there is always something good that rewards it, so don't do it, please!" and slowly opened his eyes expecting to see a gang member ready to beat her up for her meddling .

But to her surprise she found beautiful violet eyes, now that she thought about it, the most beautiful eyes she had ever seen in her life and coming out of that bubble he can see the tears falling from them.

The young woman quickly forgot her fear of the gang member and took his hand, trying in some way to show that she was trying to support him, even though she didn't even know his name.

Izana couldn't really explain what he was feeling or why he was allowing himself to show this level of weakness to a stranger who had taken her hand without permission.

But perhaps it goes without saying that the white-haired man had never seen someone like that young woman, so beautiful and with the purest look he saw, that despite not even knowing who she was, he went and tried to help him.

Was it perhaps a justified weakness? Not even he knows. What he does know is that he wants to continue seeing that look and that he will not waste this miracle.

[awsydawnarts]

Just saw some posts defending and discussing Gale and felt like throwing some of my current thoughts on the topic out into the void

I feel like it’s unfair to be too harsh on him for the actions he took as part of the war effort. Yes, Gale invented an incredibly fucked up weapon that caused the deaths of many innocent people, not just Prim. Yes, Gale suggested strategies that would have caused undeserved mass death and devastation. Yes, Gale was angry and cruel and violent and ultimately a destructive force rather than a constructive one. But you cannot look me in the eye and say that after everything Gale has been through-growing up poor and literally starving, losing a parent and having to step up as the head of his family, watching the obscenely rich use his peers as entertainment in their sick murder games that his best friend was eventually sent to and ultimately lost to (even though she survived)-you cannot say that you or otherwise good people you know wouldn’t have turned out the same way when all was said and done. Gale lived a life ravaged by tragedy, and he did the best he could in the circumstances he was in. At the end of the day, we have no right to judge him because we will never be in his shoes and have to make the choices he made during the war.

Completely pivoting here. On the other hand, Gale was a terrible friend and love interest to Katniss over the course of the books and deserves our full judgment and ire for it. His choices about the war are not a real part of life that most of us will experience. His choices regarding Katniss are. Everyone will encounter people who are jealous, insecure, and entitled in the ways that Gale is towards Katniss. Gale isn’t a villain. Gale is, however, very toxic, and absolutely an unnecessary presence in Katniss’s life after she comes back from the first games and he starts being a little bitch about Peeta. I haven’t reread the books in several months so I can’t pull up specific instances with page numbers and everything but Gale’s behavior towards Katniss is really gross and demanding, and he prioritizes what he wants rather than what she needs, such as when he gets pissy that she won’t leave Peeta to get tortured for information after they survived the trauma murder games together. He sees their relationship as transactional and Katniss as a part of life that is “his”, shown by how he realized he had feelings for her-when someone else was flirting with her and he realized he was jealous. Gale feels like Katniss owes him a relationship when she owes him nothing. He operates with no regard for her feelings and no consideration of her PTSD and how important Peeta is to her, while Peeta uses Gale as a reason for Katniss to survive the Quarter Quell. Gale can’t acknowledge what a horrific experience Katniss has been through and how much it’s changed her, and his lack of empathy towards her trauma is what really pushes them apart in the end. Prim was just the nail in the coffin.

I could go on but this is not a love triangle post, I’m trying to make points about Gale. I know it’s fun to shit on him (I’ve done my fair share), but I think it’s important to acknowledge why he behaves the way that he does and offer him *some* sympathy for his actions. Gale’s story is ultimately a tragedy, and I pity him for being put in situations where he was able to act on his darkest impulses and desires.

(He deserves NO sympathy for Katniss choosing to save herself the headache of being anchored to his insecure, selfish ass for the rest of her life though, get fucked Gale)

[gingerbloof]

Glimpse of Us (An Ascended!Astarion x Spawn Fem!Tav Ongoing Series)

summary: When Tav helps Astarion complete the Rite of Profane Ascension, she realizes that he is no longer the man she had fallen in love with. However, she does her best to make her true love happy. But will the cost of her self worth and identity prove too much to pay for the price of love? contents: 18+, blood/blood drinking, hurt/no comfort, tragedy, manipulation, abusive relationship, anxiety, panic attacks, eventual smut, major character death chapter word count: 1,019

chapter 1: The Day of the Ascension

“Ecce dominus, Has animas offero in sacrificio, Nunc volo protestatum quam pollicitus es mihi!”

Tav listened to the foreign, dark words that left Astarion’s lips as the blinding red light surrounded him. His arms thrown out and his eyes glowing a terrifying hue. She watched as all his siblings’ bodies burst apart, their blood pooling down towards him.

Her eyes were wide with bewilderment. She was so proud of him… Everything he ever wished for was coming true, and that’s all she ever wanted for her love. So why did she feel like something terrible was happening?

She briefly heard Shadowheart shout, trying to stop him. A low growl left him as he stared at her angrily. “Don’t you dare,” He said, his eyes glowing ever brighter. “I can feel their power flowing into me!”

Cazador was the last one to burst. He let out a deafening scream as he did, his blood flowing to the sigil that Astarion stood upon. Soon enough, the light dimmed down and Astarion let out a sigh of relief. “I… I can’t feel it,” He muttered breathlessly. “The hunger, it’s gone! I’m free!” The smile on his face could bring light to the darkest day. Tav had never seen him so happy, and she was happy for him.

“You did it! You really did it!” She smiled wide and ran to give Astarion a big hug. He smirked devilishly as she did, wrapping his arms around her tightly. “I did… We did.” He said, placing a soft kiss on her head. As she let go and turned around, she saw all the disapproving faces on her other companion’s faces. Shadowheart looked undeniably hurt, and Gale shook his head as he looked at her with furrowed brows. But she didn’t care what they thought. As long as her love was safe and happy, she would do anything for him.

Astarion holds his hands in front of him, that devilish smirk still pinned to his face. “This is it…” He said triumphantly. “The hopeless dream dreamt by all my kind… I am the greatest vampire to ever walk this land!” He grinned a fang filled grin. Tav smiled back at him, getting ever so lost in his happiness. “You are magnificent,” Tav said in a whisper. It was true, though he looked the same there was something very different about his stature, the way he held himself. He had more confidence than she had ever seen in anyone. He deserved to feel this way, he always had.

“I felt so very little, for so long…” He said, his voice starting to twinge with sadness. “My edges dulled over the numb years rotting in the boudoir and kennels,” It was true. For so long, too long, Astarion was only ever made to be consumed and to consume. He never had any ounce of self worth these last 200 years, and now he was finally, truly free from it. 

“Now…” He began, a growl in his voice. “I can hear it at last… See it at least. How all the lowly creatures of this plane are begging to serve. How to call upon them.” These words made Tav’s heart drop. Lowly creatures? Serve? Maybe he was still chasing the adrenaline high from achieving his goal… This wasn’t Astarion at all. 

“Scurrying footpads in their safe-houses, rats below our feet in their filthy holes, the crows in the night above! They will… Obey.”

Tav’s face began to grow with worry. What in the hells was Astarion talking about?

His eyes met hers for the first time since the Rite began. His eyes grew with hunger and demand. “In you, too,” He said, pointing at her. “I can tell… Your heartbeat races. You go quiet when I speak… You await my command… The world will stir with fear.”

Tav started to slowly back away from her love, her heart aching at his words. He was so different… Too different.

Her breath hitched in her throat as she spoke, slow and wary. “Star… You’re starting to scare me…” She expected him to stop this dramatic, power hungry speech when she said this. She expected him to realize what he was saying, but unfortunately he didn’t. He continued, not even batting an eye to the fact that he was striking fear into the one he loved most. “Our lives will never be the same again. Everything will be our’s. Everything. I can already hear the world whispering in sweet surrender. And I feel alive!” He chuckled darkly, closing his eyes and basking in his new found power. It was as if he was the only one in the room. He paid no mind to show concern when Tav began to shake with fear at the sight of her lover, completely reborn. He was unrecognizable.

She let out a nervous chuckle, trying her best to not overthink about what her love was saying. “I’m just happy you’re happy, Star…” She said with a sad smile on her face. “You deserve nothing more than to be free.” Astarion smiled and walked toward her, placing a searing kiss on her lips. She kissed back reluctantly, getting lost in him. He pulled her in by her waist with one hand and cupped her face gently with the other. He broke the kiss quickly, staring into her eyes hungrily. “My treasure,” He said, the new pet name surprising Tav. “You are going to be wonderfully obedient.” 

He let her go and started to leave the palace, leaving Tav and his other companions behind, still acting like he was the only one who was there. The way he let her go was almost like batting a fly away. Dismissive, and crude. Tav felt her heart crack and splinter a bit at his words and the way he let her go. It felt as if he only acknowledged her when it benefited him.

As the rest of the party slowly left Cazador’s palace,Tav stood there silently, looking back at the gruesome scene behind her. There was only one thought drifting through Tav’s mind…

What have I done?

authors note: trying out a chapter by chapter series :') it's my first one and i'm so excited to see how it turns out! i have also decided to make a special playlist for this fic series! each chapter is going to have a song from the play list associated with it, and i will link it with each chapter that i post! i am planning on releasing a new chapter every friday, but if that falters i do apologize. i hope you all enjoy! reblogs and comments are much appreciated

[booasaur]

Can you imagine the horror Cruz felt the past few days, every day, unexpectedly falling deeply in love with this beautiful, lovely and kind woman and then the knowledge that she has to kill her father, actually take the life from someone this kind girl who loves her cares about. And having this conflict, this horror eating at her, corrupting her love for Aaliyah until she couldn't touch her without feeling all the guilt and disgust at herself. Now she also has regret to live with.

Oh, anon, I've been thinking of nothing else!

I was actually afraid after we left Cruz watching Joe's supercut of Amrohi's biggest hits, ep 8 would have her buying into the mission so it'd be more of an action oriented spy thing with Aaliyah only eventually adding a last minute conflict, but that wasn't the case at all! My girl remained cold to it and it stayed only a mission she had to carry out, nothing she believed in.

What's really struck me is that despite Joe and Kaitlyn's years more of experience and close dealings with the politicians and businessmen who showed this was all a game, Cruz saw the truth of the situation more clearly than they ever did, just by listening to Aaliyah. She was able to contrast both versions she was hearing and extract the reality in a way they never could because they never cared about the other side.

Cruz is terrible for undercover work because she treats her target like a human. That's really what it comes down to, right. She saw Aaliyah as a person and valued what she thought and felt and now here we are. And the worst thing for her is that Aaliyah didn't get through to her by being a funny, charming smokeshow (or not JUST that, lol), she was kind and vulnerable. Cruz may be bad at being a spy but she's a great soldier (as we saw in that kitchen, whew) and Aaliyah's exactly the kind of person she wants to protect. Credit to the show for letting us see how agonizing it was for Cruz to go against all her morals and instincts and everything in her to do this mission. The fact that she fell in love, needed and was needed by this one person, the tragedy of it all.

And actually, credit to Laysla De Oliveira as well! I've been praising Stephanie Nur a lot so far and as I mentioned, no shade to Laysla, but Cruz has been quite opaque and hard to read, as intended, I'm sure, she's supposed to be this tough marine AND is playing an undercover role, she mostly just reflected what Aaliyah threw at her. But these last two eps, gosh, she really brought ALL these additional layers. It really sold the romance, like, first, she was NOT faking in those last two eps, but just how guilty and anxious she was, and the anger and self-loathing at the end? Even that moment on the balcony looking out where she was all rueful, it was more subtle but still so expressive:

Honestly, I've actually really loved Aaliyah's character and was waiting for the finale to see if she lived so I could add her to my fave characters list, because I'm not gonna add a character who's built up just for an extra tragic death, but I've ended up adding BOTH. The strength of character Cruz showed in the end to realize and accept what's she'd done, and the kindness in believing both Aaliyah and even her dad deserved more grace, I found myself genuinely loving her by the end.

I really can't tell if she's going to return, but I hope so, she deserves more closure than that, they both do.

[wen-kexing-apologist]

Bengiyo Queer Cinema Syllabus

Not to sound repetitive but, I had a busy couple weeks, but finally had a second to return to @bengiyo’s queer cinema syllabus. I am currently working my way through Unit 4: Heartbreak Alley, the totally light-hearted, definitely not agonizing section of the syllabus where I get to watch countless acts of violence be committed against queer people. Thank fuck I have Lesbians waiting for me at the end of this unit. The films in Unit 4 are: Bent (1997), Strange Fruit (2004), Boys Don’t Cry (1999), Brokeback Mountain (2005), Parting Glances (1986), Philadelphia (1993), The Living End (1992), Holding the Man (2015), Jeffery (1995), and Boys on the Side (1995).

Today I will be talking about

Parting Glances (1986) dir. Bill Sherwood

[Run Time: 1:30, Available: tubi and fubo, Language: English]

Summary: As Michael and Robert, a gay couple in New York, prepare for Robert's departure for a two-year work assignment in Africa, Michael must face Robert's true motives for leaving while dealing with their circle of eccentric friends, including Nick, who is living with AIDS.

Cast: 

John Bolger as Robert

Richard Ganoung as Michael 

Steve Buscemi as Nick 

__

Well, I have to say this was very much not what I was expecting for the first AIDS related movie of the syllabus. After some pretty hefty violent deaths of queer characters in the first half of Unit 4, I was very much anticipating the heart wrenching tragedies to continue immediately once I hit the AIDS epidemic portion. But Parting Glances very much subverted my expectations of what I was walking in to, because honestly…so much of it was lovely. 

It’s not that tragedy is not a part of this movie, it is, it’s just hidden under the layer of friendship, community, and love that feels like the core theme of the film. I am thinking about the party at Joan’s and how much happiness and celebration was happening there, with community abound, and yet how Michael kept telling people they should call Nick because he would appreciate it, showing just how much Nick has lost of his own community since his HIV/AIDS diagnosis. 

I really loved how real these relationships to one another felt, the way that Michael and Robert were playful with each other, the way that Nick sat on Michael’s lap so casually for a few minutes when Michael cooked him dinner, I loved the conversation Robert had with his ex-girlfriend, the young and hopeful queer boy who wished to live forever. I just loved watching the queer community be a queer community. 

Even in the moments that get a little dour, where Michael gets especially weepy with Nick, those scenes did not make me sad, did not destroy me the way other films in this syllabus have, because that is just grief. Grief is a mighty and terrible thing, but I find beauty in it as well. I find beauty and loveliness in the fact that those tears came from Michael finally admitting to Nick that he loved him, that Nick got to hear himself that he was loved, especially when so many people seemed to have fallen away from him after his diagnosis. I find comfort in the conversations about death that Michael and Joan have together, because those are conversations I’ve had, they feel familiar, they feel like a natural part of life, perhaps they should not have to feel those points so soon, but Nick himself is right, living forever is the only thing none of us can do. 

I really loved that we saw Nick when he was at a stage in his illness where he was simply being careful, but was still full of life, energetic, that he was able to be a support system for Michael and was not only being tended to. We know what is coming, but we are not made to see it. I was really in to what the film did with it’s use of ominous backing track, that Nick could hear it, that it felt like the progression of his illness, that it felt like a sense of impending doom, a cloud that hangs over Nick. 

Throughout a lot of this film I found myself thinking about The Inheritance Part One & Part Two, a play written in 2016 based off of the book Howard’s End by EM Forster. I saw this play a few years back and was lulled in to a false sense of security that this would not be a play about AIDS because it was set in the relatively modern day with a focus on younger queer characters, but ohhhhhhh how wrong I was. Towards the end of the first part, we hear a story from a character named Walter, an older gay man that lived in the same building as the main characters, and he recounts the story of his life, how his husband, Henry, built a farm outside of New York city for the two of them to live in…right around the time that AIDS started decimating the area. How that distance still was not good enough for Henry so he would leave on business trips, because his fear of catching AIDS was so strong. 

Walter tells the story of when he went back in to the city for the first time, and ran in to a friend he used to know, who had acquired AIDS and was on the brink of death. He talks about how when Henry was away, he brought that kid to the farm Henry had built to hide from AIDS, and Walter cared for that boy until he died. Walter talks about doing that again and again and again and again, dozens of times, he would go in to the city, bring a friend back home, and care for them until they passed. 

^[sidebar: I very much do not like Robert]

Part of the play ends with Walter being asked what it was like at that time, Walter asks the main characters to name someone they know, they give a name, he says “they’re dead. Give me another name, he’s dead”. For what felt like minutes, name after name after name is called and name after name after name is dead. When I saw that scene I broke down in the theater, I cried for the entirety of the walk back to the train station, I was brought to the brink of tears at the thought of that scene for a month after I saw the show. 

I mention this because it was all that I could think about while watching Robert and Michael interact with one another, while seeing this plot unfold. Robert fleeing New York while Michael stayed to care for his dying friend. Knowing that Walter and Henry stayed together after all was said and done, after Henry had stopped running from reality, and the death rates had slowed; then seeing Robert decide not to go to Africa, and how Michael did not show any signs of planning to break up with Robert knowing, despite knowing how Robert felt too settled, how Robert had chosen to go, despite knowing that Robert was running from loss, and running from being a support for Michael when the love of his life finally dies. 

So despite the fact that Parting Glances didn’t evoke the same feelings, though I felt like overall it was a relatively upbeat, uptempo, gentle film, the current underneath it all, the dying underneath it all, the tragedy is right there but it is just out of reach. 

Favorite Scene 

I think my favorite scene is when Joan and Michael are laying in bed together, holding stuffed animals at Robert’s going away party while they just casually talk about death and dying. It just felt very much like a conversation I have had with my best friend on multiple occasions, especially lately because we've had a number of deaths happen in our lives recently. And yes, my friend and I both match the type of conversation part this scene, and also the beating each other up with stuffed animals part of this scene.

Obviously we do not spend enough time with the other characters at the party to know exactly what is going on in their lives, and there is not doubt many if not all of them have lost loved ones to AIDS, but we know that Joan and Michael are really the only two people who go and visit Nick, and it feels so symbolic of the weight that they are shouldering caring for their dying friend to have the only two people who have not cut themselves off from Nick be sitting together, in another room away from all the other gay attendees, discussing, speculating, joking about death. 

Favorite Quote

We all know the real right answer is: “Straight men are jerks. Gay men are jerks. Straight women are jerks. That leaves lesbians and they are off in their ivory towers laughing their heads off at the rest of us. I should’ve been a dyke” 

But I am going to go for the more serious:

“...look at the others, waiting, wondering if some innocent moment of pleasure long past can set them up with the ultimate form of [German word my subtitles did not state]...  I’d like to stage a piece in which all of the performers are people who are terminally ill, can you imagine the intensity, the concentration, the purpose”

This is said off-handedly in a conversation between Joan and a heterosexual male artist who was attending the party. I put it here for two reasons: a) the first half is a very succinct commentary on the state of the queer community (at least who were at the party) and feels like general commentary about the movie’s premise as a whole. Especially because Nick talks about how he didn’t realize how long the gestation period of HIV was, and by the time he started taking protective measures it was already too late. b) because the second half is just the most pretentious, absolutely mindless, careless, and shitty thing to say to someone who is actively losing a friend to a terminal illness. This fucking hetero artist came in to a room full of queer people and decided that dying people would be great to put in to his next project for ~The Vibes~ and I love that comment so much because first, it shows how much he Does Not Get It, and second because of how much disgust is baked in to Joan’s “Excuse me” as she leaves before he can finish his thought. 

Because to say that to someone who is watching loved one after loved one after loved one die before their eyes is an absolutely disgusting thing to do (in my opinion). 

Final Score

8/10

Up next, Philadelphia (1993)

[gayestsillybilly]

☆ 𝗦𝗜𝗖𝗞... ☆

𝗥𝗘𝗟𝗔𝗧𝗜𝗢𝗡𝗦𝗛𝗜𝗣: Platonic

𝗦𝗨𝗠𝗠𝗔𝗥𝗬: You woke up feeling terrible, and after a shower, you felt even worse! You didn't want to leave your bed to eat and get medicine, and thanks to your roommate, you didn't need to.

𝗪𝗔𝗥𝗡𝗜𝗡𝗚𝗦: Only 1 swear word, there are no mentions of vomiting. This is a modern AU, where you're in college and Albedo is your roommate and your friend. Pronouns used are you/your, I didn't specify the gender so it's gender-neutral

𝗡𝗢𝗧𝗘𝗦: I've never written for Albedo before so I hope he isn't ooc, and if he is, I hope it's not too bad!

I made the banner

"Dialogue written like means it's your thoughts"

You woke up in your bed, sweating, with a dry throat and a light headache. The clock said it was 06:20 AM

You reluctantly got out of bed and dragged yourself out of your room, you decided you were going to drink some water and take a shower to see if the headache goes away

You had to go to the living room since the kitchen was connected to it, but as soon as you walked inside, you noticed your roommate, sitting there, quietly. This could have scared you, but you had gotten used to it at this point

"Albedo, it's 6 am... Did you sleep at all?" Your voice was raspy, and you hated how it sounded, but alas...

"I woke up earlier, I'm just finishing up this piece... But what about you? Why are you up so early?" He finally looked at you

You sighed "I don't know, I just woke up feeling like shit, not sure if I'm sick or something but I'm gonna drink water and take a shower before assuming anything"

Albedo hummed "Have you checked your temperature?"... You had in fact, not done that. You quickly put your hand to your forehead, but it felt as warm as it usually did

"My temperature is as normal as always" You walked over to the kitchen and got yourself a cup of water

"Well, then, if you still feel like that after your shower, I'd recommend you stay home, it's not healthy to go out in such a state, you could get worse" You heard Albedo say from the living room

"Yeah.. Uh, I'll do that if I still feel the same, thanks for worrying" He didn't respond to that, but you knew he heard you

After taking a shower and waiting to see if it helped at all, your headache only came back stronger, and your throat started to hurt a little

You plopped down on your bed and closed your eyes. You were kind of glad you didn't have to go out today but...

"Could this headache get any worse?"

You didn't have any medicine in your apartment, at least none that you knew of, so you couldn't even take anything to soften the pain, truly a tragedy

You eventually fell asleep, and when you woke up again, you realized it was already 1pm

"I really don't feel like moving... Everything hurts even more now!"

You snapped back to reality when you heard a knock on your door

"Uh, come in!" You said as loud as you could in your weakened state. Albedo walked inside not long after, he held a plate in his hand

"I brought your lunch, are you feeling any better?" He set the plate down on your bedside table

"No.. I feel even worse, but thanks, I didn't feel like getting up" You coughed into your arm

"Hmm, I'll go down to the pharmacy and buy you medicine, I won't take long, hopefully" Albedo said

You watched as he walked out of your room, probably to get dressed properly, and heard the front door open and close after few minutes

You could only hope he did come back quickly before this headache got any worse...

[utilitycaster]

I know the unpopular opinions meme finished ages ago, but id love to hear yours on Chetney, especially given the uthodurn arc. I suppose for more specific direction since thats quite a broad ask, what would you say is the fandom interpretation of Chetney’s character, and how does your opinion/interpretation of him differ and why?

Absolutely - and questions like this one are always welcome!

I was actually quite pleasantly surprised by the fandom response to Chetney this week, which was by and large positive. But with that in mind I think that honestly, it's hard to pin down a definitive fandom interpretation of Chetney's character! Some of this is probably the circles in which I engage and what people put in the main tag, but I think at this point people who felt he was comic relief or a shallow joke or "just couldn't get him!" have either quietly adjusted their expectations or have left the fandom, or have always been people only watching for one character and ignored him from the start.

So I think the thing that differs in my opinion, to be honest, is just that like....I've never reduced him to mere comic relief? Like, he's an extremely funny and ridiculous character, but he showed a great deal of emotional depth from early on; if you didn't pick that up from his rapid turnaround on Dorian it's pretty much impossible to miss in his quiet conversation in the Heartmoor or the way he takes FCG's also ridiculous backstory about Shithead completely in earnest. These two things, as I've mentioned many a time before, are not in conflict! I think Chetney definitely skews far more comedic than, say, Fjord; or obviously more so than other Bells Hells party members Imogen; but like, comedy, tragedy, and horror are all connected by the same tissue, separated only by timing, perspective, and expectation. We know Travis can do a ridiculous character with heavy plot beats as we've seen with Grog; we also know that sometimes the funniest jokes come from more serious characters (again, I think an underrated moment of hilarity in C2 was Caleb's early "you look like a nerd").

It's very narrow and not terribly smart to box characters into a tiny contained archetype with no room to spread out, and Travis is particularly good among the cast at creating characters who defy those boxes. Chetney is an old weirdo with a high voice who says truly preposterous things; he is also someone whose life took an unexpectedly sharp slide downward following an impulsive decision, and who then, improbably, found that what many would consider rock bottom was in fact one of the greatest things that ever happened to him. He's incredibly passionate about what he loves, and vocal about what he dislikes, and deceptively insightful, and has a strong sense of justice and a remarkably good sense of how far he can push people with his over-the-top bravado without wearing out his welcome. He's even (heavily implied to be) bisexual.

I also think, and here's where "oh shit we need to catch up on the entire campaign on the Bells Hells page on the wiki" is really benefiting me, people underestimate how quietly instrumental Chetney is in many of Bells Hells decisions. He was not just the person to clock Dusk, but also the person to broker the compromise; he served as one of the more levelheaded party members following the disastrous fight with Otohan; he's consistently been the one to ask Imogen to actually consider her relationship with her powers; he was the one who convinced Delilah that she needed them leading Delilah to give Laudna a moment; and it was ultimately his idea to fly the skyship into the key. As of this level, he literally is the brains of the operation, with a +3 INT modifier to Orym, Ashton, and Laudna's +1 (and Imogen's +0 and Fearne and FCG's -1's). He has an overblown public sense of pride, but is remarkably willing to set his ego aside when he is not the focus. And for all he loves being a werewolf, he also does take responsibility for the harm he has done without wallowing in guilt. (Not that exploring guilt isn't valid as well, but I think Chet's approach is an admirable trait).

To be honest I think anyone who's not on board with Chet is uncomfortable with those final notes. Either they're one of the stragglers still on their "but Grog had a 6 INT and despite having five entire years to get over this during which Travis has consistently played characters with at least a +2 to INT, I shall not change my perception" bullshit, or, more realistically, are uncomfortable with the fact that Chetney (and, on a meta level, Travis as a player) both without hesitation will take the lead when appropriate or needed, but also will step aside when the narrative is not about him with absolutely no ego or resentment. I think that last bit really throws people off, especially people of the 'if the show cannot be interpreted as secretly centering my blorbo at all times I'm going to go into my tantrum hole' persuasion.

[the-cookie-of-doom]

Episode 2: “She”

Pear really deserved better. Like, I feel for Mike and his situation, I feel for Peem, but damn. She really got the shittiest breakup. Not literally died over it levels of bad breakup, but still. So much of what happens in this series is so unnecessary. If Mike had been a little less selfish, the tragedy could have been avoided. Not even brave! He didn’t need to come out to break up with her! But he wanted the picture perfect life with a secret lover on the side, and unfortunately, that’s just now how things work. That’s what makes it such a good tragedy; you see where these characters could have gone right, but they have believable reasons for where they went wrong, instead. 

So, when discussing why ghosts exist/haunt the earth, Peem says: “I think there are two things, either caring, or holding a grudge.” Which in his case, it’s both! In the first episode, during their kissing scene in the drama class, Peem looks downright malicious. He’s making Mike feel what it’s like to drown, what he himself felt, and enjoying Mike's terror. He’s laughing at it. So when this scene happens, it’s easy to think Peem is only there over a grudge. Except… when we get to the third episode, we also see some tender moments between them. He still cares, too. 

Peem is also a possessive little thing. He knows he’s the other woman, but he’s happy to physically get between Mike and Pear when the three of them are on the couch, and she wants to trade places. He refuses, she leans around him to complain to Mike, and Peem leans forward and blocks her. Meanwhile Mike is hiding behind Peem, who picks up a book and holds it in front of both of their faces, Peem leaning in to Mike and physically cutting Pear out. The whole thing is played like he’s joking, they’re all laughing, but… for Peem, it’s more. He doesn't give up his spot beside Mike (and Mike doesn’t move to join Pear.) Peem is staking a subtle claim, and Mike is letting him. Because while Peem is possessive, Mike wants to be wanted. Not possessed, because he refuses to let Peem actually have him. But he gets a thrill from watching Peem keep him away from Pear. Whether or not you think the feelings for Peem were any deeper than surface level lust + convenience, he likes the attention Peem gives him. 

Side note, the English lesson scene made my brain hurt. Sympathies for anyone learning it as a second language, bc oof. 

Another side note, Peem is so painfully, obviously in love with Mike.

Look! How tender they are!! 

I love this entire scene, because this is one of the times where we see Mike being fully, genuinely himself, and he’s a terrible flirt. He can’t even help himself. He’s making all kinds of innuendos (“maybe we should do something to help us wake up, then come back to read''), lowkey kabedon’s Peem by climbing over him after already asking him to hand over his guitar. He teases Peem for being a romantic when Peem flirts back, then offers to write him a song (Moment, my beloved ;_;). There is so much longing in this song, a desire to be close, to not let go, forever. And there’s a promise in it, too, the song ending with a repeated “There will always be you and me together”. That’s all Peem wants, reassurance that Mike will still be there for him, even if he stays with Pear. And it’s reciprocated! Mike wants to be with Peem. He just can’t admit it in any serious, concrete way. 

Then here we have another example of Peem taking the initiative physically. Mike makes what could be taken as a confession, so Peem comes closer, like Mike is asking him to do; lays on his shoulder while he sings, kisses him when he trails off. Even when Mike is being flirty, he’s all talk, no action. 

However, the scene does end with Mike laying Peem down to keep making out with him, technically taking initiative for the first (and only) time. As we’ve set up with their give-and-take, Peem rewarding Mike when giving him affection, Peem then chooses this moment to tell Mike he loves him. Mike, predictably, doesn’t respond. He hesitates, then kisses Peem again. He doesn’t give an answer one way or the other. If he doesn’t return Peem’s feelings, then he’ll lose him. But if he does, he’ll have to face all of the things he’s repressing. All he can give Peem is the physicality of their relationship. And Peem once again meets Mike halfway; instead of demanding a response, he accepts what Mike is willing to give him, because it’s better than nothing. 

Interestingly, this very sweet scene is where everything goes to hell. Peem tries telling Mike off because Meen, their friend sleeping in the other room, will hear. Mike laughs it off and says it doesn’t matter because he’s asleep. Cut to Meen very much not asleep. This continues the pattern that when Peem puts himself out there, when he puts his trust in the things Mike tells him, he’s punished for it. Mike tells him everything’s going to be okay, and he wants to believe it, so he follows him down the path of his own destruction. 

Gonna pivot over to Mike, once again, being a terrible, incorrigible flirt. 

Peem: Mike, do you still want more sausage? Mike: Up to you. Do you still want to give it to me?

I hate this joke so much T_T But also, it is hilarious, and Mike is such an incorrigible flirt, this is exactly the kind of dumb shit he would say. 

Bottom. 

If you check out THIS gifset, we can see that Peem is the one leading things in their relationship. It happens on Mike’s terms, sure, but Peem is presumably the first guy he’s ever been with. So naturally Peem would be the one to more or less take charge. He’s the one pushing Mike into the table and taking his clothes off, while for the most part, Mike isn’t moving. Aside from that scene on the couch, Mike just. Lets this happen to him. I think a large part of that is a desire for plausible deniability on his part. He flirts relentlessly, but vaguely. Any comment that could approach a confession is dismissed by a joke. He wants Peem, but so long as he’s not an active participant in their relationship, he can pretend like he doesn’t. 

Back to the pool scene, Mike isn’t expecting the kiss. He’s walking away when Peem pulls him back. He’s (very) into it, but he didn’t ask for it. In the BTS interview Jeff said it was like he was being passive/attacked (lol), which he explains as being because he chickened out/didn’t know what to do when the director told them to just go for it. Adorable, but also it does play nicely into Mike’s reluctance towards letting himself be with Peem. 

Now. Let’s talk about Mike’s relationship with Pear. D/t the non-linear storytelling, and my not paying attention to throw-away lines, and a weird translation at the start of the ep, I didn’t realize Mike and Pear were dating until this scene!! RIP to me. Anyway. 

This just breaks my heart. Look at her expression, compared to Mike's. She already knows that this over and he has no idea. She isn't even angry, she's resigned, she's already accepted it.

Pear deserved so much better. It’s her 3 year anniversary, and she gets to celebrate by finding out her boyfriend has been cheating on her for god knows how long. And Mike is so determined not to face any of his problems, he refuses to see that she is Not Having A Good Time. Playboy can’t charm his way out of this one, though. It’s so sad, too, because the way she looks at him in some shots, she clearly wants to believe he really loves her. He’s certainly acting like he does. She’s a very similar position to Peem in this scene; both of them want to know Mike loves them, but Mike is incapable of being fully with either of them. 

Just like I do think Mike has genuine feelings for Peem, I also think he really loves Pear. I think he cares very deeply for her, and I don’t think he wanted to hurt her. But again, he’s shown time and again to be a very selfish character, and she recognizes that. Rather than choosing to believe he loves her and pretending she doesn’t know about Peem, she breaks up with him. (Good for her!)

Even when Mike finally does recognize that she’s upset (only once she says she wants to break up, forcing him to see her), he dismisses it. Laughs and deflects, the same as he does with Peem, because he doesn’t know what to do when confronted with EmotionsTM. And honestly—Pear handles this with the grace of a queen. She gives Mike a simple explanation: things aren’t working out, we should break up. She doesn’t blame him for cheating on her, doesn’t yell, doesn’t even tell him she knows about Peem. She probably recognizes why he’s cheating on her instead of breaking up with her first (wanting the safety his relationship with her provides, while experimenting, which feels incredibly dangerous), and tries to let him maintain at least some dignity and plausible deniability. If anyone asks, they could just say things didn’t work out and move on. She could have easily, and justifiably, raked him over the coals. But she doesn’t. She’s giving Mike the chance to bow out. 

Of course he doesn’t take it. He either takes her home, or follows her there (assuming they’re all living in the same dorms?), demanding answers the whole time and getting the silent treatment. He asks her, “But if we don’t talk to each other, how can we solve it?” Very rich coming from the guy who’s refused to have a genuine conversation at every opportunity. He follows this with “I don’t know what I’ve done,” and she responds, “It’s better not to know.” Again, giving him the chance to leave with his dignity intact. She’s a better person than I would have been. It’s likely some measure of self-protection, too. No one wants to be the girl that got cheated on. But it would have been so easy for her to spread it around, out Mike for cheating on her with Peem, and ruin his life. But she doesn’t. She doesn’t want revenge. She isn’t vindictive. 

Side note: Pear finally shows him the texts from Meen, exposing his cheating, and Mike runs off with her phone. My dude. Have you not caused enough problems without stealing her phone too?? 

Mike automatically assuming Peem is the one that outed him to Pear is interesting on two fronts. 

Of course he does, how would anyone else know? Mike thinks he’s been successful at keeping things a secret, and Peem just confessed to him. He’s seen (and enjoyed) Peem getting possessive over him in front of Pear, and this is the natural escalation of that.

From what we’ve seen of their relationship so far, Peem never actually asks Mike to leave Pear. Probably because he knows he can’t trust Mike’s feelings for him (as he shouldn’t), and knows there’s no point. It would only serve to make Mike angry, which might make Mike leave him; Mike is only with him because Peem makes him feel good, after all. Peem might avoid Mike when he’s feeling rejected/neglected, and make sad eyes at him when Pear is involved, but for lack of a better term—he knows his place. And he knows his place in Mike’s life is beneath Pear. 

Finally, the fight that ends it all. Mike’s internalized homophobia is becoming externalized!!! It’s really sad the way he attacks Peem. He knows Peem loves him—Peem is the only one who loves him, now. But Mike is so caught up on the end of his relationship with Pear, and what it represents—him failing to uphold the  values he’s placed so much importance on—that he doesn’t care how much he’s hurting Peem. If anything, Peem’s heartbreak only makes this worse. Mike doesn’t want to love him. Peem tells him he has nothing left without Mike, and Mike doesn’t care. This could have been a moment of freedom for him, finally able to be with the person he loves, still safe in the knowledge that Pear will keep his indiscretions a secret. But he’s too self-centered, focusing on what he’s lost instead of what he still has/could have. 

And Peem finally snaps back. 

Peem: Have you ever had feelings for me, or do you just see me as your temporary fling? Mike: I don’t know! Peem: Or am I just someone who makes you feel good whenever you want? Mike: Remember this, I love Pear, not you! Not you at all!

True to the pattern, he is rejected for reaching out. Mike returns his honesty with deflection. 

Here we see Peem finally confronting his own feelings. He’s known all along what he is to Mike: a source of validation and experimentation. He didn’t want to see it, because he probably hoped Mike would eventually learn to love him. Or, if he sees Mike's feelings, hoping that Mike would eventually admit them to himself. Even now he’s still reaching out, trying to calm Mike down. He never gets far enough to even suggest this could be a good thing, because they could finally be together. 

Instead, their fight leads to Mike shoving Peem back, and Peem tripping into the pool. This is one of my favorite scenes of the whole thing because you see Mike struggling. He doesn’t know if he should jump in and save him. Then he remembers the last time this happened: Peem agreeing when Mike suggested he was only pretending to drown, only trying to get his attention. Here, Mike sees it as an attempt to make him stay. Peem pretends to be in danger to force Mike into saving him again—proving how much Mike cares for him. 

But Mike leaves. And Peem drowns.

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

[roadtophantom]

Let your S(e)oul take you where you long to be (iv) - Jeon Dong-seok

I didn't mean to write a whole section about CSW but now I'm gonna feel terrible if I say less about the other Phantom 'coz he was also phenomenal.

Jeon Dong-seok's show was the first one I got, I managed to modify my seat for three times to get a better view. It was so much easier to book for him that I got wary (did no one want him? why does he still have tickets available every night?) WHICH is an unfair assessment in the face of Phantoms with massive fanbases like Cho Seung-woo. It's still amazing that the tickets eventually sell out (or just leave very few left).

But I learned of JDS from his popularity here on Tumblr and I can definitely see how accomplished he is despite his apparent youth (I think he's the youngest of the 4 Phantoms?) That said, I haven't really listened to him, I wanted to be surprised.

So needless to say his voice blew me away. It took me 4 seconds in the Mirror scene to realize, this, exactly This is what Tumblr fandom was talking about. Because what the heck was that voice?? Like wow.

And he had Such a domineering presence too! His tall and slender physicality (186 cm tall) gave him the presence of a spook that was advantageous for a "larger than life" presence in the theatre.

He had Such an incredible vocal control and mastery too, this is a man who knows how to use his voice as an instrument, knows which part to stretch, which words to relish, which words to accentuate and expound with his vocal power. Practically effortless with the big notes. I can really believe he has the voice of a dark angel. He has been a real treat seeing in person AND watching (when he smoothed his hair *__*).

The impression I got of his Phantom is one who is definitely a young, musical genius, whose tragedy unfortunately is one that's long coming. JDS struck me as a very Byronic Phantom? I guess most Phantoms are Byronic, but I felt it more strongly for this tall, dark gent. He embodied the gloomy and broody persona but with such a passionate inner life. By inner life I mean his music and Christine who are his sole reasons for survival.

(One thing I can say for both Korean Phantoms that I love is how they created their character around Christine worship, like she is this unreachable goddess in their eyes. They are such fools for her).

What's sad about watching JDS's Phantom is how he doesn't seem to have a high regard of himself and even by the time the start of PONR was playing, he knew he was already bound to lose the girl. Jeon Dong-seok is great at playing an anguished Phantom. In the Final Lair, you make out his panic very plainly because he knows it was HIM who went past the point of no return and Christine will never forgive him and he doesn't know what to do with that information. He is so good in playing the character as a melancholic man who was bound to give everything up for Christine's freedom.

He gave me such massive emo tortured soul boys-who-cry feels. Not surprised that his roles tend to gravitate to this type 'coz he mastered it. (He has the most mournful 'Christine, 사랑해~') I feel like he could still figure out more nuances if he could play the character more. But he made such an excellent Phantom and I'm just so happy to have seen him before his Seoul exit.

Also it's so cute how he seems to be this awkward dork backstage who doesn't know what to do with his height or those poses kids do nowadays. I feel like that energy is also present in his onstage performances (I say this as someone who guiltily thinks it gives him crush-worthy material).

[rageofthemuffin]

I've been having a lot of thoughts about Azula the past few weeks but I'll just say this for now. When I first watched the show as a kid, I don't remember feeling bad for her, and least not in so many words. I do now when I rewatch, but I'm much older than her now, and I can conceptualize how young fourteen really is. When I was kid, I don't remember feeling the level of compassion toward her that I do now, but I do remember a different feeling that I think was maybe more important for me at that age.

Throughout the show, Azula is shown to be cruel, merciless, and abusive. She's powerful, and her bending looks awesome, and she's evil. I remember being so excited for her to eventually get defeated by the good guys. I had no idea how it would happen, and sometimes it didn't even seem possible. I thought that it would happen in some fast-paced, adrenaline-pumping fight scene, and it was going to be awesome, and it was going to feel so good to see her get what she deserved.

And then when the time finally comes, the show makes it immediately clear that that's not what's happening here. The music is very minimal but sets a very somber tone right off the bat. The bending isn't the quick and agile stuff we see from Zuko and Azula in episodes like the Boiling Rock, it's slow and it's big, and it's such a perfect contrast that the tragedy of this fight is impossible to ignore. This isn't just good versus evil, it's brother versus sister, and the sloppiness from Azula makes it simultaneously more intense and more unsettling than any of the battles we've seen so far.

Katara steps in when Zuko goes down, and the pace picks up a bit. The tragedy takes a back seat for a minute, and it's really satisfying when Katara finally manages to get ahead of Azula and take her down. But then the ice melts, and this fourteen year old girl is left chained to a grate, screaming and crying and spitting fire, and it doesn't feel good. It doesn't feel like what I thought it was going to feel like.

And even if I didn't consciously realize that I felt bad for Azula when I was a kid, I at least realized that this was not a thing to be celebrated. It would have been easy to make her final stand exactly what I expected it to be, but I think this type of subversion is infinitely more valuable, especially in a kids' show, because I had to sit with uncomfortable feelings and the nuance of the situation. It made me think more critically about what I was seeing.

Yes, Azula had to be defeated before she hurt anyone else. Yes, she made a lot of bad choices and did a lot of terrible things. You don't have to feel bad for her, but this is not a happy ending.

[msfbgraves]

What do you think of The Godfather Part 3? I honestly hate most of it, it just feels like poorly written fanfiction lol. I can't decide what's the worst bit: Mary, Mary and Vincent's incestuous relationship (WHY!!), Michael and Kay, Michael being totally OOC (smiling, being jovial), Michael's truly horrible haircut (might be the single worst offender for me OMG)...just a bad film in my opinion. I like to pretend it doesn't exist.

I personally really like Sherlock series 1 and 2, and ignore the existence of the rest of it, pretty much. That works fine. But if you don't mind me feeling differently while understanding where you're coming from, Nonnie - I really like the Godfather Coda, the Death of Michael Corleone. Part III, the first cut, nah, I think we can put that aside. And yes, the difference in Michael is too jarring for the most part. I've watched Pacino in different things, and he seems to prefer playing more extrovert men, and seems to have decided playing Michael that way was what felt best to him. And I could see it - there are some hints of that Michael very early in film 1 with Kay - but they'd need to do a better job bridging that gap visually. I can forgive it, because I do see this film as Don Corleone desperately trying to go back to being a man, Michael Andolini if you will, the man he would have been had he not picked up the mantle of Don, the man he can't ever be. Vito saw the tragedy in his son picking up that mantle, he almost apologised: "There wasn't enough time, Michael." Michael now sees Vincent being hungry for it while he cannot escape how his own choices are eating at him. When he wants his son to join him, he is rebuffed. When he forbids his daughter to join him through Vincent,he is rebuffed. I think the figure of Mary shows very clearly how he has lost all the loves of his life to this crime, in the dancing scenes: Apollonia, Kay, yes, Kay, people, and now the one who yet loves him as a man first - Mary. Connie, too, has been entirely corrupted.

The third Godfather gives us a whole film about this stage of alienation and power slipping from us, while framing the rise of Vincent not as a triumph but as a horror. Vito's rising was mostly triumphant, as he honoured his relationships. Michael's rising was terrible on everyone he loved... and Vincent's rising through Michael's eyes is sleazy. A rotten thing that Michael can't escape.

But most gangster films give that a couple of scenes at most, indeed a coda... but Coppola was like: if you insist on milking this, I refuse to go easy on you. I will not do it, I will give you the wreckage I spent two films building up.

Artistically brave, but a genre break, and a sad thing too that these men can't figure out a way to include a young woman in this action other than through love. Cousins marrying was not totally unheard of in the Sicilian old world, though, I don't think. Small island, few newcomers. These things die out hard. Just another way to show how this old world clashes with the life Michael chases and can never reach - through his own choices! It's a true tragedy! Could he have done differently? Yes, but also no, he is Michael. Who bears the emotional fallout of this, and this I love - the women! The ones who are supposedly so cutoff from all this! Connie gets abused, widowed, and has to submit to her own brother in an effort to save the other and herself. Again, she's lost two siblings and a husband to this violence! Kay lives in terror and still loses a daughter. Mary - poorly acted Mary, I'm sorry, even recut the others outshine her too much - killed by a bullet meant for Michael, and Michael, forced to live with his failure exiled in the Sicily he tried all his life to leave behind... it's tonally a break and not at all what a lot of fans of the first two would have come to the cinema for. But what do I think?

I think despite its flaws it's brave and necessary.

I mean I love that Michael ends this film alone, ashamed and cursedly alive.

[raymond-reddington-ruminations]

This post contains all the spoilers about 10.21 and 10.22. Ye be warned.

Another Warning; I'm about to bitch.   I started writing this about 45 minutes after the final episode ended. I was going to write it in a few days, but I really need to vent if I'm going to get any sleep tonight.

It should be said that while I still love the show and the characters, and the final episodes were not objectively terrible, I had a list of things that I wanted and I got none of them. So I'm going to sound off on that.

It doesn't change how I feel about the show overall, and I'll go back to saying positive things about the show afterwards, but at the moment that I'm writing this I'm pissed, and I'm going to express it.

I remember one of the producers was quoted as saying that Ressler would be front and center when Reddington's fate was decided. What? There was no decision here. Who decided something?? Not Ressler.

And it did feel like that was coming. It looked like Ressler would be the one to catch up with him and decide whether to take him in or let him go. And I'm not just talking about the last 15 minutes, it felt like that all the way through. The other characters kind of had to declare where they stood, to some degree (dembe and Harold got off the hook) and Ressler didn't really do that. I feel cheated.

I feel cheated on many levels. From 8 years of mysteries laid out that were never answered, to dodging the central question of the show's premise, to ditching the Red/Dembe relationship which was simply the most beautiful male friendship and defined both characters, and finally, no mention of Elizabeth in the end.

What the hell is going on with Dembe? He was asked how he felt about what he was doing, and he couldn't answer. And he never did explain why. What exactly did he think would happen when Reddington was brought in? The man's already been sentenced to death.  Argh.  Makes no sense. In the end the core of Dembe's character makes no sense because they didn't explain it, or address his original stated purpose of wanting to save Reddington's soul.  The monologue covered the past, but not the present.  Bad job.

When that story of The Matador first came up, and the allusion was made that Reddington needs to risk his life to feel alive, I cried bullshit at the time. That's not the character that I've been watching. He is content with whatever life brings, he is fearless, but he does not need to seek risk to make life worthwhile. He is just as happy with peace and quiet, WHICH THEY SPENT A LOT OF TIME DEMONSTRATING IN THE LAST HALF HOUR.

So this ultimate ending with the bull just sucks balls. They're trying to imply that he chose the risk, and chose the manner of  his death, because risk is his thing, like the Matador.

Hell to the no.

And where does that leave Agnes?? God damn it, that's too much tragedy.  No, I cannot presume she's going to be okay with losing him.  I want to kick something. The show ended so very far away from what the first eight years were about; Red's relationship with Liz, and thereafter with Agnes.

I'm going to have to get my ass in gear and actually write some fanfiction. I've done only a handful of longer pieces over the last 20 years, and I recognize that I'm neither good nor proficient at it. But I don't think I can let this rest.

I'm still wound up in The Blacklist, and I don't see myself getting another fandom anytime soon. I get burnt out at the end. After many years they end in ways that aren't satisfying and I wonder why I should let myself get emotionally involved in another story.  There are some showrunners whose names I have learned because of this and will actively not watch a show they produce. I don't think that's the case here, but it might be quite some time, if ever, that I let myself fall in love with fiction like this again. Why do they need to b**** slap us, the audience who followed them for years, in the end??  Is there some kind of perception that a happy ending is somehow detrimental to their audience??

It affects the rewatchability of the show, you know? It's hard to get invested in something when you know the ending is disappointing.

Ok, ok.  It may not be the writer's fault. They always said they were going to concretely reveal Red's identity, and that didn't happen. I believe that is the network interfering with the writers. And I feel like that may have happened on more than just Red's identity. I mean... A bull.  As in, we can't write what we want to, so here's some b*******. If that was the deliberate choice, kudos to the writers. Well played. If it wasn't their intention to draw in that phrase...well. They walked right into that one.

I realize there probably isn't much of an audience for what I'll be writing, but I need to write it for myself.  It is sad to me that the fandom for The Blacklist seems to be so small. There was so much material here, and so many of the people I've known for my past fandoms could have loved it as passionately as I did, and written far more and far better than I ever could. I think if they had confirmed Redarina directly it actually would have accomplished that. The people I've been close to in past fandoms are wildly supportive of LGBTQ and would have been attracted to this character's story based on his being trans.  What are missed opportunity.

Can we get this to be a George RR Martin situation?  Where the original Creator puts out a book that contains his own ending and ignores this one?

I'm going to see about getting that first fiction written as quickly as I can. But until then, let this be said for the record;

Donald Ressler got Reddington to a hospital, and after a lengthy recovery, during which Weecha concluded that life with Reddington is not for her, Red walked free, called Agnes, and welcomed Dembe back to his side, as Red had retired from crime. They both went in search of, and found, Anne.

Addition; posting this the following morning. I did not get any sleep. I need to stop letting fiction do that to me.

[freedoms-wingz]

Christmas

And yes I am well aware this is after christmas...I forgot to hit post which is embarrassing. Pretend I posted this when I meant to.

Summery: Just our favorite dorks trying to learn what this "christmas" is

Characters: Levi, Jean, Falco, Connie, Reiner

TW: Fluff, Levi being a dad, slight angst in the beginning?, ooc but I really don't care. Christmas.

Christmas.

It was a new concept after the rumbling, the first hesitant celebration of anything in the world.

It was also Jean's first winter off of Paradis, and fuck it was cold! Sure it got chilly in Paradis, but it was still warm, not cold and dark for most of the day. It was a familar cold.

The Marley winter felt more harsh. Bitter. Unwelcoming.

Much like Levi, now that he thought about it. The man seemed to be the very embodiment of the season he was born in.

But...there were the beautiful times too.

The Aurora was beautiful. To see all the colors bouncing and moving. He hadn't seen them before outside of pictures. He had stayed outside for hours watching them until Levi had drug him back in.

He turned back to the house they were still staying in all together. He wasn't sure how much longer it would last, but Levi had said everyone was welcome to stay as long as they needed.

Maybe the man just didn't want to be alone. Jean sure didn't.

Connie and Armin seemed to be on the mend, trying to create a new semblance of normal from their new lives, trying to discard their old identity in favor of a new one. Jean envied them, really. They made it seem so simple.

Then again, Armin was just built different, and Connie had seen more than enough tragedy for many lifetimes he was able to almost brush them off.

Jean had seen many tragedies as well, but they affected him deeper, cut him deeper. He never forgot the faves of anyone he had killed, however few they may have been, however many of them were titans.

He and Levi had bonded over that in the last few months, their inability to forget. Their ability to feel. How they refused to let themselves stop feeling.

But sometimes, Jean wished he could turn his emotions off.

He brushed these thoughts aside, not eager to delve into a spiral of despair on what seemed to be a happy day for Marley. He walked back inside, kicking the snow off of his boots and taking off his coat lest Levi yell at him.

It was then, he heard a noise. He walked into the dining space and saw Gabi there. She was opening various boxes with Falco. Joining the kids was a rather annoyed Levi, and a calm Reiner.

"Jean!" Connie waved, poking his head out from behind Reiner. "Come join!"

"Join what?" Jean asked, but walked closer, intrigued when he saw the boxes.

Gabi turned at that. "Well, Levi was telling me that you guys didn't really have a Christmas back on Paradis, so I figured we'd teach you all about it!" She seemed so eager, and Jean couldn't help the amused grin.

"Alright. Fine." Jean sat beside Levi and saw he was handed one of the boxes. Inside there was...flat looking cookies that seemed somewhat stale and...frosting? And other candies he couldn't Identify.

"Gingerbread houses." Falco explained. "They're fun, most people have them as a decoration. I mean...I guess you could eat it if you really wanted to..."

Jean gathered all the pieces and did his best to follow the instructions, not without sampling things, of course, finding them to be hard and relatively flavorless.

Levi also seemed to go relatively by the book for a time before daring to adventure off and adding little decorations with the frosting at Gabi's insistence. Connie hadn't seemed terribly interested in the instructions and had just thrown the pieces together with a lot of frosting and some dreams. Reiner's was a little crooked, but it added character. Gabi and Falco had worked on one together, and theirs looked admitably the best of the bunch.

"Reiner, help us put this on top of the fridge." Gabi said. Reiner rolled his eyes but done so, given he was the tallest other than Jean.

----

After a time, the kids returned with a tree.

"What the fuck is that?" Levi asked, his tone like a scolding mother. His arms were crossed and his eyes glaring.

"A Christmas tree!" Gabi beamed, able to brush off Levi's harsh tone. It never seemed to have affected her much.

"A fire Hazard more like. And a mess." Levi sighed, but relaxed a bit, limping over to help them get the tree up and into the stand which Gabi helped fix up.

"I also went out and got stuff to decorate it with." Gabi said, laying out various boxes.

"With what moeny?" Reiner asked, slightly scolding.

Gabi not to answer that, instead holding up a round red orb. "This is an ornament. It goes on the tree."

With that, the group set to decorate the tree, Reiner and Jean being uses to put the ornaments in higher places on the tree.

Finally, they had a tree, complete with lights, garland, candy canes, and ornaments. And a tree skirt to catch all the needles.

"And lastly, we need a star." Gabi said. Jean lifted her up and let her put the silver star on the tree before setting her down.

"What's the tree for? And those cookies Falco is setting out?" Connie asked.

"Santa of course. He brings all the presents and you leave the cookies out as a gift." Falco grinned.

Levi looked thoughtful but didn't say anything else.

Strangely Levi left the house after that for a while.

----

Finally, at nightfall, the others had gone to bed, and Gabi was up wrapping the presents she had bought. Levi watched her from the door frame before coming in and sitting on the ground. He kept his bad leg outstretched since it just didn't quite bend how it used to.

"What are you doing?" Levi asked in a soft tone, watching her.

"Wrapping presents of course. Normally people buy the gifts for eachother but...I dont know. Seemed like a lot to put on you guys." Gabi said in a soft voice, finally reminding Levi of just how young the girl was.

"Hmm. And what day exactly is this?" Levi asked, pulling the girl closer and helping her wrap by holding the paper down on the box.

"Christmas." Gabi said.

"Tch. You know what I meant." Levi said, amused at her regardless.

"The 25th. Why?" Gabi asked, tilting her head back against Levi's chest.

"I think that's my birthday...I don't really remember though..." Levi replied in a soft voice, folding the sides of the paper to the box as Gabi taped them.

"Why wouldn't you remember your own birthday?"

"I never much cared about it. My mother did when I was little...I barely remember any of that though...truth be told I don't even remember what she looked like anymore." Levi explained. "She died when I was 4."

"Oh? And your dad...?" Gabi asked, curious.

"Never knew him. It could have been anyone. My mother was a sex worker." Levi said, not bothering to sugarcoat things.

"Oh...do you remember anything about her?"

Levi searched his memory. "Very little. I remember she had a nice voice, she'd sing me lullabies. She also used to cut my hair for me...in this style. I remember every once in a while, she'd save up enough and buy some sweets, and we'd eat them together."

Gabi nods and falls silent. "Were you alone after that?"

Levi sighed. "Not entirely. My uncle found me. Took me in. He was...unique. Taught me a lot. Like how to say hello to people and how to hold a knife...how to stay alive in the underground where I was. He cruel man...made me do shitty things he didn't feel like doing himself. I wanted to hate him...now...I almost miss him." Levi said, setting the box aside and watching Gabi write Connie's name on it.

"How old are you then?" Gabi asked. "If it's your birthday and all."

Levi thought for a moment. "I think I'm 36, I lost track honestly. It didn't matter much. I couldn't count passed 10 or read for most of my life anyways. Erwin taught me those things when I got promoted in the scouts and ended up having to do paperwork. I must have sat in his office for hours writing with him and reading...."

Gabi turned and yawned, cuddling into Levi's chest.

"Tired brat?" Levi looked down at her, his arms wrapping around her.

"No..." Gabi said, holding back a yawn before walking over and handing Levi something small and wrapped.

"Hm?"

"For your birthday. It's important to celebrate that, too." Gabi explained.

Levi unwrapped the paper, doing his his best to be gentle with it. He eventually came across a leathery feeling and pulled the paper away, revealing a small black wallet.

"It's not much..." Gabi averted her gaze.

"It's enough." Levi said softly. "More than I've had in years."

Gabi smiled before yawning again.

Levi rolled his eyes and got up carefully, then picked her up in one arm in a bridal carry.

"Don't hurt yourself!" Gabi hissed scoldingly but also seemed to relax.

Levi carried the girl to the couch and laid her down, throwing a blanket over her. "Shut up and sleep. That...That Santa guy won't come if you're not asleep...brat."

Gabi giggled but eventually fell asleep.v

With that, Levi went to his own room and opened up the bags he had gotten at the store and set about wrapping, doing his best to copy the motions of Gabi. He also made sure to write "from santa" on them. He set them under the tree and ate a couple cookies and them went to sleep.

While he may have thought the whole thing was a little dumb, he was never one to deny a little bit of happiness.

[blackbutler-readerinsertsandjunk]

Black butler Kuroshitsuji angst and mention of death scenario between Edward Midford and you (Ciels older sister, the same age as Edward, Edward's fiancée, the Queens Rose *the Queen's personal undercover assassin*, Rachel Phantomhives splitting image) right after Madam Reds funeral...Ed wanted to talk to you alone and he swore that if that smug little bastard Ciel is the reason why you were like this recently...he had another thing coming for him. It wasn't Ciel's fault of why you were like this recently. He said that he promised that he will listen and not judge you when he persuaded you to talk to him...a gentle push. You were rather hesitant because it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows and it wasn't...you were forced to watch your aunt die in front of you with your little brother. You began to talk about it to him (avoiding the subject of who Sebastian really is and of Grim Reapers too..he wouldn't believe you on that) and along with the painful memory of watching her die in front of you...are the tears 💔. You told him how much you looked up to her and everything and how useless you felt when you were forced to watch her die in front of you. Ed said that you are not useless and you are never useless...Edward admired you for who you are and what you manage to achieve...he apologised for not being there for you that night when he gently cupped your face in his hands.

https://youtu.be/MhFpwuGSHO4 (that music will help you to set the scene big time.)

How Elizabeth Midford would react to the scene she was seeing...and the reactions from the Phantomhive servants and Ciel.

aaaaa I hope this is what you wanted, darlin! <3

The sky is grey and dreary, and you know Angelina would have absolutely hated it.

After the service, you had planned to sit quietly in the carriage until Ciel was done talking to everyone else. Nobody would have blamed you, right? Your brother has always been resilient in the face of tragedy. You? Not as much as you’d like. Sometimes you wish you were more like him.

People expect you to isolate yourself after something like this; given that you don’t feel up to talking the way Ciel is able to, you’re fine with that. Edward, however — your dear, sweet intended — pulls you aside for a walk through the venue’s garden. When he takes your hand and kisses it and murmurs that he’d like to talk with you, there’s no way you can decline.

It’s not a pleasant stroll, though. Gloom has blanketed you for the past week, and it hasn’t let up even among these beautiful flowers with your beloved by your side.

“There hasn’t been anything I can do to lift your spirits,” Edward sighs as the two of you stop at a bench. You sit next to him, tucking your black skirts in so you can rest more comfortably. (Though, nothing feels comfortable right now.) “Even now, there’s nothing I can do.”

You stay quiet… which prompts him only to get more agitated. “It’s all the time you’ve been spending with Ciel for planning this service, isn’t it? What’s he been saying? If he’s been treating you terribly, I’ll make sure to set him straight. All you need to do is say the word.”

You get the distinct feeling that even if you don’t say the word, he’ll go after Ciel unless you correct him. You just… don’t know whether you should talk to him about it or not. Shouldn’t he realize that you’d be out of sorts after something like this? What if he thinks less of you, says you’re simply in hysterics and have to get past it?

After all you’ve been through lately, you couldn’t take the man you love looking at you as some overemotional shrew and dismissing your feelings.

But, before you can worry too much, you feel his hand on your arm, set gently near your wrist. “… Talk to me, darling.” His voice is soft. “Please tell me what’s going on. I want to help. It makes me sick to see you hurting like this.”

It feels like that was the last push you needed. You want to be able to talk to him, to share things with him, even if you don’t know how he’ll react. If he loves you, he’ll be caring regardless of whether or not he understands, won’t he? No matter what you say?

“You can’t possibly think this has anything to do with Ciel,” you murmur, “can you? My aunt just died, Edward. And I…”

God, this is so morbid. It’s awful. Should you really be fine with being this honest? It’s going to scare him off and make him think you’re too macabre, too focused on something you should be starting to move past.

You shake your head, the tears forming. “Ciel and I had to watch her die. Right in front of us, and we couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t do anything.” You’re his older sister, and you should have been able to at least protect Ciel from more trauma. You couldn’t even do that. You couldn’t save your aunt.

More than having to confess this to Edward, it hurts to have the memory come to the surface again. Haven’t you relived it enough? You can’t tell him the whole truth, because he wouldn’t believe any of the fantastical parts. (Demons, death gods, you barely believe it yourself.) You can still see in your mind’s eye the red stain spreading out on the ground, seeping into the cobblestone to forever taint it just as it’s forever tainted your mind.

“She was the strongest woman I knew. She was the person I looked up to, the person I’ve always wanted to be like.” You reach up to try and rub your tears away. “And I know she’d tell me I’m still strong too, that not being able to do anything doesn’t mean… but… but watching her die while I couldn’t do anything… it made me feel so useless. It keeps coming back to my mind, over and over… I can’t let it go. The memory, or the feeling…”

How can you be expected to simply let go of something which won’t let go of you?

You stay lost in thought for what feels like forever, until a hand on your face pulls you out of your thoughts. Edward gingerly turns your face toward his so that he can look in your eyes. His own shine with sympathy, with love; he wants to help you in whatever way he can.

It might be sinking in to him that there isn’t anything he can do except be here for you. He can adapt to that, thankfully. “You’re not useless, (Name).” He leans over, pressing a kiss to your forehead. His other hand slips down, fingers twining with yours.

“She’s not here to say it, so I will: you are strong. Not being able to do anything doesn’t mean you’re useless or weak.” His thumb runs lightly over your cheek. “You’re one of the strongest people I know. I’m so proud of you and everything you’ve done, are doing, and have yet to do.”

He shakes his head with a sigh, eyes falling half-lidded. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you that night. But I’m here now, and I will never not be there for you again. I promise. You deserve that much.”

Before you know what’s happening, the sky has turned from grey to the heavens opening up, and strangely enough, you think your aunt would be happy that you’re crying in the rain with your fiancé.

A loss is a loss, and it’s going to hurt. He didn’t know Anne personally, other than the few times he and the other staff members served her, but… he knows it’s a hole in their master’s life as well as yours. He would have expected you to go to the carriage after the service; he’s pleasantly surprised that Edward led you off to talk. He doesn’t pry nor follow, so that you can grieve in peace. He’s happy for the possibility that you’ll be starting to work through it with more support, though.

This whole thing was complicated… he’s more aware than anyone that you’ve been suffering. It hit the both of you hard. He just has obligations that you don’t, so he’s been unsure how to help you. He knows that Edward doesn’t like him, but he also knows that Edward loves you. So he’s eternally grateful to the other man for pulling you aside. It’s possible he has ears listening to make sure that Edward really does have your best interests at heart — as long as he’s helping you, Ciel does his best not to truly interfere.

The affair made him just as sad as he’d be if he’d known the person closely; someone died, so the world should be a little different, shouldn’t it? This should be something that’s felt. He wanders through the garden out of pure interest, not exactly following you, to just be in his own sadness among the flowers. You’re someone he likes, who he thinks is a good person… so he’s relieved to hear that you have this man who loves you and is trying to help you. It’s going to be alright, isn’t it?

The world is so cruel!! It’s not fair… why did this have to happen? She knows incredibly well that Ciel has been suffering and grieving too, so it’s not shocking that you are too. Lizzie is honestly surprised that you aren’t openly sobbing and completely beside yourself. She looks at you as a pillar of strength despite everything, you’re inspiring to Lizzie. So of course she’s glad that her big brother is there for you, and it makes her feel like everything is going to be fine. Even though she doesn’t hear the conversation, she sees you go off together… it’s comforting, to know that everyone is being taken care of.

Whatever anyone else thinks, she’s crying through the entire service, especially when she thinks about all the people that Anne left behind. Her master, and you, and all her patients, and… it’s just so sad. She feels terrible for everyone who’s had the loss crashed into them. When she sees Edward sneak off with you, though, she feels a little lighter. He’s going to take care of you, at least, won’t he? So everyone has someone to be there for them, even while it hurts.

It’s unfortunate, but death is just a consequence of human life. It’s horrible and inevitable and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. Although he obviously did what he could, on Ciel’s orders… sometimes it can’t be helped. There’s nothing to be done now other than try to fill the holes left by the absence of a loved one. He can’t do anything for Ciel, nor would Ciel want him to; he doesn’t think he can for you, either. He does follow after when Edward leads you away, and is at least pleased to hear that you have a source of support. Now he can assure Ciel that you’ll be in good hands. Then, finally, the future can march on.

[bookishlilcorner]

Shattered

His soul shattered at the very moment her heart echoed its final beat.

He couldn’t feel his knees anymore, could barely notice the bruising grip of his brothers’ hands on his shoulders holding him tighter. Everything was void of life. He heard not a single sound, not the sound of her body crashing on the floor, not the sound of his father stepping aside wiping the blood of his sword on Eris’s tunic, not the sound of laughter coming out from his brothers’ mouths.

He watched his father’s, the reigning Lord of Autumn, lips moving, unheard words throwing daggers at him. His face showed nothing but chilled anger, his disapproving gaze hard. His view became blurry, but he could still see the silent tears falling on his mother’s ethereal face, now twisted in sorrow for her beloved son. The image of Eris followed suit, his face inexpressive, however his eyes held an undercurrent of something he couldn’t tell.

He couldn’t tell anything. He couldn’t hear anything. It couldn’t be real. Nothing was real. He had to be dreaming.

The crowd started to thin out, the court’s residents leaving one by one. His father roughly grabbed the Lady of Autumn’s arm, dragging her with him to the large rosewood doors. Eris walked after them, two of his brothers in his shadow. His shoulders squared, his expression unflinching. He felt rough hands leaving him, the whipping cold of the wind hitting the space on his shoulders.

He could feel again it seemed, but it didn’t feel good. He didn’t think anything would ever feel good anymore.

The spacious open air place was now uninhabited, dried leaves of vivid brown, orange and red floating in a endless dance with the wind. He stood difficulty and marched towards where she was. His knees hit the ground again, dark crimson blood on the once pristine floor, coating his pants. He tended a shaky hand to her body, lifting her up in his arms. He was shaking terribly from the cold, but he couldn’t tell if it was from the wind or from inside of him. He turned her head delicately to look at her again.

She was always the gentle type. A woman who loved to love, who embraced life with its dark side as much as the bright. She was always happy regardless of her circumstances, of her life as a lesser faerie. She always had a smile on her heavenly face.

She still had a smile on her chilling cold, but nevertheless divine face. Even in death she smiled brightly, as if to shine a light for her soul even in the afterlife. Her eyes were glassed over, sign of her unalterable end.

He heard the sound of dried leaves dragging against the cold tiles. The sound of the wind howling in his delicately arched ears. His hearing seemed to have come back. He could hear a guttural, heart shattering scream echoing in the void of the room. His throat hurt, burned, felt like it was bleeding from the inside.

He soon realized that it was him who screamed. He who could hear and feel the utter agonizing pain in it amidst the despair, in his very essence.

The love of his life, Jesminda, was no more.

Lucien Vanserra’s heart and soul shattered at the very moment her heart stopped that day. And he knew nothing could piece it back together.

@lucienweek day 4: Tragedies

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