#( text w. sophie. )

[venux777]

if i was an elf i would make a sophie fan page

[readingloveswounds]

i will not apply to the graduate assistant position i will not apply to the graduate assistant position i will not

[baeshijima]

is it just me or has the website font changed 🐥

like

i swear this is bolder and uglier.

[magnus-the-maqnificent]

I see you've continued the long tradition of being a disaster around crushes. How is Sophie these days??? 😇

Well, I am a Lightwood Bane, gotta keep the tradition up 😌

I haven’t seen him since theory exams ended :’) and none of our practical days overlap (all his practicals are the day before mine ajajsjjsjs)

He’s having his first one today, and I asked a friend to tell him all the best (DONT SMACK ME. I KNOW YOURE GOING TO BUT DONT) but not to tell him that it’s from me 🙈 she said she’ll tell him anyway and I have no idea what she’s done 🥲

[squipedmew]

she everything on my everywhere till I all at once

[helen-with-an-a]

I am an Adult pt 3.5

Hi. So I wanted to a sub-chapter kinda thing about Lena's side of the relationship/first few months etc. So here it is. Also shout out to the anons who gave me some inspo for this - u really helped. Also, I would like to preface this by saying I don't really know much about the Wolfsburg team as a whole, so if anything's wrong please let me know.

In this fic - the bold text is meant to be in German (but I didn't want bascially the whole thing to be unreadable for people) so just imagine it's in German

Barca Femeni x Reader / Lena Oberdorf x Reader / VfL Wolfsburg x Lena Oberdorf

Description: R and Lena's relationship from Lena's perspective

Word Count: 2.7k

Part 1 : Part 2 : Part 3 : Part 3.5 : Part 4 : Part 5 : Part 6 : Part 7 : Epilogue

Lena was too smiley. That was the first thing Jule noticed after the Barca match. The hotel they were staying in was nice, the weather was very warm compared to Wolfsburg, and the day off was well deserved.

“What’s up with you?” She asked her best friend, eyeing her suspiciously.

“Huh? Oh, nothing,” Lena dismissed her as she fell onto her bed, phone in her hand.

“Speaking English now, are we?” Jule teased, studying Lena. She had a slight flush to her skin that wasn’t there this morning. She seemed too happy for someone who had just been ‘exploring’ all day. “What did you do today?”

“Nothing … uh, nothing much; I just wandered ‘round a bit,” Lena said distractedly. Jule hummed in false agreement. Something was going on.

A gasp pulled Jule from her inspection. It was Lena, staring joyfully at her phone before hurriedly typing away. Ok, something was most definitely going on, and Jule was going to find out what and soon.

“I’m going …” Lena cleared her throat and shook her head as if to shake away the English. “I’m going to go shower … uh … yeh.” She gathered up her stuff and headed to the attached bathroom, leaving her phone on the bed. Perfect, it was time to snoop; Jule congratulated the universe on its opportunistic timing.

[Initial]💙❤️: SPOTIFY LINK – One Direction, ‘I Should Have Kissed You’:  https://www.spotify......

L💚: SPOTIFY LINK – Odeal, ‘Next Time’: https://www.spotify.......

Who was ‘[Initial]💙❤️’ ? And why were they sending Lena a link to old One Direction songs? Specifically, ‘I Should Have Kissed You’? And why was Lena sending a song back telling them ‘next time’? The bathroom door opened a little.

“Jule, did I leave my phone?”

“Uhhhhhh, yeh, you did. Here,” Jule quickly locked Lena’s phone and rushed to hand it to her.

“Gracias,” Lena said absentmindedly, closing the door again. Spanish? Since when did Lena speak Spanish?

Slowly, the pieces slid into place for Jule. Lena had been out all day. Lena came back too happy and constantly looking at her phone. Lena replied in English and Spanish. Lena had received a text telling her that someone should have kissed her. Lena responded with the promise of next time. Lena was definitely on a date.

It wasn’t confirmed for Jule until the return leg. Much like in Barcelona, Lena disappeared all day and reappeared, looking far too happy the day after. She definitely went on another date.

“So,” Jule said as she cornered Lena in the locker room during recovery. “How was your date?”

“Oh, it was great. We went-” Lena froze. How did Jule know about her date? “W-what date?” Lena tried to cover slip up. Jule grinned devilishly, refusing to let Lena weasel her way out of this questioning.

“You know, your date with the Barca player,” she laughed at Lena’s horrified expression.

“I didn’t … What … me? No … I don’t,” Lena rubbed the back of her neck, trying to hide the dark blush adorning her cheeks.

“Don’t lie to me, Lena Sophie! I am your best friend. You went on a date, 2 dates, and didn’t tell me,” Jule said, slightly hurt that Lena didn’t trust her with this. It was well known that Lena didn’t do dates; she didn’t do the emotional side of romance. She flirted, she charmed, and she took people home – only to have them leave the next morning, often not quite remembering their name when the sun rose. To see her friend finally consider a date, multiple dates - and maybe something more – Christmas had come early for Jule Brand.

“What d-” Lena started to deny, but after seeing Jule’s face, she knew she was caught. She sighed before spilling her happiest secret, “She asked me after the Barca match if I wanted to see some stuff in Barcelona. It was such a good time. We went to breakfast, and she made me try all these Spanish and Catalonian pastries. Then, she showed me all the tourist spots. She took me to lunch and stuff and then showed me all the quieter places she likes to go. Then, we ended with dinner, and it was just, ugh. So, so perfect.” Jule smiled, liking this side of Lena she hadn’t seen before. “And then, we so nearly kissed when she walked me back to the hotel and then she sent me a song telling me she wanted to kiss me and,” Lena sighed dreamily. “And we’ve been texted and phoning and whatnot, but I asked her out after our match on Sunday, and we went to the Christmas Market, even though it’s only November because she mentioned she’d never been to one before, and we ate far too much and then …” Lena paused, the romantic gushing so uncharacteristic of her. “She kissed me. She kissed me, Jule. And it was so perfect, and, ugh…” she trailed off again. “I’ve never felt like this before,” she whispered, grinning to herself as she confessed.

“She sounds wonderful, Lena. But who is ‘she’?” Jule teased lightly, nudging her best friend.

“Um … Y/N. The number 17 put 2 past us on Sunday,” Lena smiled as she said your name, a lovesick expression taking over. “She’s got this smile and, god, her laugh. It’s like angels or something. She so, so beautiful, Jule.” Lena gushed. Jule hadn’t seen Lena like this, ever, but she wasn’t opposed to the in-love ramblings. She liked this side of Lena and hoped she would stay for a long while. “But she’s also funny, and kind, and sweet, and just … she’s already picking up German for me. I didn’t even ask her to; she just turned up here, and at the Market, she went to ask a seller about this piece of jewellery, and it was in pretty decent German. She was so cute, she got all blushy and shy afterwards and…” she sighed again. Her fingers coming to fiddle with the woven bracelet on her wrist – a gift from you to remember you by. Like she could ever forget you.

“Wow, Lena. When can I meet the girl that’s got you so lovesick?” Jule teased gently, bumping her shoulder against Lena’s.

“Not for a while, sorry, Jule. It’s just, it’s all so new, and we haven’t really discussed what we are yet, and we won’t be able to see each other for a while because of our schedules and, um…” Lena had the decency to look slightly embarrassed at her response, but she loved the idea of being able to keep you all to herself for a little while.

“No, I get it, no worries,” Jule smiled understandingly. “I can see that she makes you happy, and that’s all that matters,” she added, squeezing Lena’s hand at her words. “But I will require regular updates from you about how things are going, ok? ‘Cos … my best friends in loooove,” she sang out, laughing at Lena’s bright blush.

“Yeh, yeh, let’s go to recovery, c’mon,” Lena said, shoving her friend out of the empty changing room.

--------------------------------

[Initial]💙❤️: I want to tell them about u x

L💚: Tell em

L💚: Can I tell my team?

[Initial]💙❤️: Omg yesssss xxxxxxxxxxxx

Lena had permission from you to tell the team, and she was so, so happy about it. Telling Jule made everything feel so much more real; she couldn’t imagine how telling the team would go. She figured she’d start with the girls she was closest with.

Jule, Ewa, and Sveindis all gathered in her living room as Lena stood nervously in front of the TV.

“Um, so … I have something I need to tell you guys,” Lena said, fidgeting with the hem of her t-shirt. Why was she so nervous? She loved the idea of being able to take you out on dates without hiding anything; she wanted to be in the crowd when watching your matches; she wanted to kiss you in front of the whole world … and yet she was nervous about this. If she had to guess, she would say it’s because she hasn’t done this before. She doesn’t date, and she’s never had to introduce her teammates to a partner before, but here she was, about to burst your little bubble of private joy. You had told her you’d done it already – or at least, you didn’t discourage the team when they snooped and didn’t stop them from guessing.

“Oh, my god. Are you leaving?” Sveindis asked.

“What? No!” Not yet, anyway. Lena replied.

“Are you dying?” Ewa countered. Lena was slightly shocked at her question.

“Ewa!” Lena gasped.

“Are you pregnant then? Did something happen? Are you ok?” Sveindis sat up, full of concern for her friend.

“No, good God, no. No, I’m fine.” Lena looked horrified that that was what her best friend’s brain jumped to.“I … I just needed to tell you that I have a girlfriend…” There was a split second of silence before Sveindis and Ewa burst into hysterical laughter. Lena looked towards Jule, unsure of the scene in front of her.

“Yeh, right. Good one, L.” Sveindis joked between peals of laughter.

“A girlfriend, nice one, Lena” Ewa wheezed.

“Guys,” Jule tried. She could see Lena’s face fall. When Lena had invited them to come over this afternoon, she had been so excited—she could finally share with her friends, her family, that she had a girlfriend—an actual, real girlfriend who treated her well and made her oh-so-happy. And now they were laughing at her. Was the idea of her being in a relationship so comedic that it brought tears to their eyes?

“You know what, fuck you. Get out, get out now.” Lena shouted, causing an immediate cease to the laughter.

“Lena, c’mon. That was a good joke -” Ewa started.

“It wasn’t a joke. I have a girlfriend. And I wanted to tell you today, but you think it’s basically impossible for me to have one. So, Get. Out!”

“Are you serious?” Sveindis asked.

“Get the fuck. Out. Of my House.” Lena replied, moving to open the door for them.

“Not about that, about having a girlfriend?” She ignored the open door, a clear sign that she was unwelcome at the moment.

“Yes. And I was really excited to tell you, but you guys find it so hilarious that I could have a relationship.” Lena said, hurt that her friends were so disbelieving of her.

“No, it’s just … you’ve told us so many times that you don’t date. You are … were … so adamant over it.”

“And when you stopped mentioning your one-night stands and stuff, we figured you were going through a dry spell or something,” Ewa added.

“We’re sorry for not believing you,” they both hung their heads, embarrassed that they hurt a close friend. Lena closed the door gently and returned to the living room.

“Does this mean I can finally meet her?” Jule asked after a moment of awkward silence.

“You know who she is? That’s not fair; how come Jule gets to know first?” Ewa moaned.

“Not yet, Jule. I still need to tell the rest of the girls first,” Lena sighed, sitting down on the armchair by the window. “And Jule knows first because she figured it out.” She explained to Eva.

“You should have seen her after the Barca match. She was so giddy, all blushy, and staring at her phone. Ugh, it was so cute. And then, after the home leg, she came into the changing room and couldn’t stop smiling. I’m surprised you haven’t caught on sooner; she’s not very subtle.” Jule gushed.

“So, it’s a Barca player? Who is it?” Sveindis asked.

“No, wait, let me guess,” Ewa shouted. “Ba-Batlle? Is that how you say it?” Lena giggled as Ewa bounced excitedly on the sofa.

“No, she has that maybe-thing with Bronze. Coll?” Sveindis countered.

“No, she’s definitely in a relationship; they did a lock screen video thing, and she was her girlfriend” Ewa and Sveindis pushed their heads together, coming up with ideas of who might have stolen their best friend's heart.

“What about Y/S/N? Y/N? Is that her name?” They looked to Lena for an answer. Whilst a verbal one wasn’t given, it wasn’t needed. The beaming smile was all that was required.

“Awww, she’s a cutie.” Ewa came over to hug Lena

“Real sweet, too. She came to check on Camilla when Pina did that tackle.” Sviendis agreed. “Now, tell us all about it. I want all the details!” They all got themselves comfy as Lena spilt all the information about the best few months of her life.

L💚: I told some of them

[Initial]💙❤️: Omg really??

[Initial]💙❤️: What did they say?????

L💚: They didn’t believe me at first ahahahaha

L💚: They thought u may have been Ona or Cata !!!!

[Initial]💙❤️: ahahahahahahhahahhahahahhahahaha

L💚: But then they said ur a cutie and real sweet

L💚: Which u r, obviously xxx

[Initial]💙❤️: Stoppppppp

[Initial]💙❤️: Ur gonna make me cry xx

[Initial]💙❤️: R u gonna tell the rest ?????

[Initial]💙❤️: No rush or anything xxx

L💚: Yeh I am xxx

L💚: I wanna tell the world ur mine xx

[Initial]💙❤️: now I’m actually crying wtf

[Initial]💙❤️: 1 photo image attached

[Initial]💙❤️: I wanna tell the world ur mine xxxxx

L💚: Schatzzzzzzz xxxx

[Initial]💙❤️: A nickname now?

L💚: Shut uppppp

[Initial]💙❤️: never

[Initial]💙❤️: Meine Liebeeeeeeee

L💚: 🩷🩷🩷🩷

--------------------------------

“Obi,” Alex called as the training ended for the day. “I need to talk to you.” Fuck! Lena tried to remember what she might have done to piss Alex off. She had behaved all training session – for the most part; the thing with the water was Riola’s fault, not hers. She was guided into an empty media room and was met with Svenja sitting on the table. Fuckkkkk! What had she done? Two players she saw as maternal figures had their Angry Faces on.

“Before you say anything. It wasn’t me,” Lena rushed to cover her back.

“What wasn’t you?” Svenja asked.

“Whatever you think I’ve done,” Lena answered cryptically. She wasn’t admitting to anything.

“So, you don’t have a girlfriend then?” Alex asked. “Sveindis was lying to Vivi?”

“Um … my answer depends on how mad you will be.” Lena ducked her head to avoid Alex’s gaze.

“We’re not mad that you have a girlfriend, Lena.” Svenja pushed herself from the table and took Lena’s hand.

“We’re mildly irritated we found out from changing room gossip,” Alex added, coming over to squeeze Lena’s shoulders. “Look at me,” she instructed when Lena still refused to look her in the eye.

“Your girlfriend is Y/F/N Y/S/N, yes? Barca’s number 17.”

“Yeh,” Lena couldn’t help the small smile that spread across her face at the mention of you.

“Does she treat you well, Obi?” Svenja asked.

“Yes, she treats me very well.”

“And you treat her well?” Alex added.

“I like to think so. She said I make her happy.”

“Good. When will she next be in Wolfsburg? Or at a match?” Svenja asked

“I’m going to see her at her away game in Madrid when we have the free weekend, but our schedules don’t line up for a while after that. They match up again just after the international break, so she’s coming here.” Lena explained.

“Good, gives us longer to prepare a speech.” Alex said to Svenja

“Speech?” Lena asked, slightly weary of what might happen – she knew that the 2 women could be very intimidating, especially if you weren’t German or didn’t know them very well.

“Yes, a speech—the ‘do not mess with Obi’ speech. I don’t doubt you will get one from Putellas and maybe Bronze and Paños, too. They seem very protective of her.” Svenja pulled Lena into a hug as Alex ruffled her hair.

L💚: Whose speech will be worse? Alexia’s or Alex and Svenja’s?

[Initial]💙❤️: Hmm, scary Germans or scary Spaniards???

L💚: I will endure it

L💚: Just for u Schatz

[Initial]💙❤️: As will I

[Initial]💙❤️: Only 4 u meine Leibe

I hope you enjoyed this little sub-chapter thing. I'm on my uni holidays atm so hopefully I can write the next chapter fairly soon but I do have deadlines etc <3

Also thank you to all the love from the anons ahaha - it means a lot to me <3<3<3<3<3<3

[nothing-tolose]

Foolish One.

warning: reader being so dumb bcs she always ignores every signs and dreaming too much <3

if you have criticism and suggestions to me, you can just knock my dm or send it to inbox <3

a/n: this whole fic was messed up like REALLY REALLY MESSED UP please bear w me ;) have fun anw

wc: 6K

daily click

Cards are on the table. It's way past midnight, yet the living room is bathed in light, and laughs from your friends all over the room. Here you are, having a sleepover for four nights with your friends and now playing UNO cards with them. None of you all can sleep, that's why now you were sitting on the dining chair, with three cards on your hand.

"Ellie! It's your turn!"

You glanced at Ellie, who was sitting across the table, as Sophie called out her name. God, you couldn't help yourself but screaming inside your heart as you saw her smile on her face. Those freckles on her face, green emerald eyes, and the scar on her eyebrow, she literally got your attention.

You knew that you were already fell in love with her, ever since you saw her on Aimee's instagram story 3 months ago. Head over heels even. But one thing you can't help it from yourself everytime you fall in love, you were too afraid to reach her out. Of course, your friends giving you a lot of advice so you wouldn't be afraid to start a conversation with Ellie. You already tried on their advice, such as texting her through direct messagw but always ended up you delete it before you could even send the text.

So many negative thoughts when you tried to reach her. What if she doesn't like me? What if she call me a freak? What if she hates me? A countless what-ifs lives rent free on your mind. And it explains why you weren't close enough with Ellie, you were too afraid and too shy to start a conversation.

You knew all about her from your friends. They'd tell you what's her interest, what she likes and hates, what she afraid of, and so much more. You do realize that you can't just got her news only from your friends, so you've been following her instagram account by your not really a suspicious fake account named @/16candlesf00l. Thank God her account isn't a private account, and thank God she didn't block your account!

You've also been following her TikTok with another fake account since she was pretty famous there with around 8,000 followers she has, and that makes you can easily leave comments on every video she posts without worried about she's going to confused, you usually leaving comments like, "Oh, you're really pretty!" and other flirty remarks. Then one day, you comment, "Did you cut your hair?" and she responds with just "Yeah." Despite her brief reply, you respond enthusiastically with "Should we get married?"

A single word, 'Yeah,' had already sent you into an hour of rolling on your bed, giggling, and playfully kicking your feet against the pillows.

She didn't reply to your comment after that, and you didn't mind. At least there was a bit of interaction with you, right?

"Hey!"

Snapped back to the reality by Cassandra's tap on your shoulder, she leaned in and whispered to you, "Girl, I know you're head over heels for Ellie, but how long are you going to just stare at her, huh?"

"What-" You cast a quick glance at Ellie, unable to believe what Cassandra had just said. Yet there she was, looking back at you with that slight smile on her lips, her fingers idly playing with the cards in her hand. It was clear she had been watching you for at least a minute or two.

You quickly turned your head left and right, let out an awkward chuckle to Cassandra. Oh really, you lost your words.

"Uh- Cass- I.. Uhm, what color-" You stuttered, you started feel like this situation was fucking embarrassing especially when Ellie still looking at you, not moving even for a second. Cassandra and the others waiting you pull out your cards.

And for God's sake, you really wanted to hide yourself in a closet right now.

"Hey, why did you stuttered? It's blue, go pull out your card, babe!" Cass slapped your back (not in verbally way obviously. Immediately you pulled out your card, you didn't see the number first but the color.

You saw Ellie suddenly get up from her chair, she handed her cards to Chloe who's already won the game first, "Chloe, can you play my cards for me? Em—" she stopped, clearing her throat before she continued, "I have an emergency, I'll be back later,"

Chloe just nodded without giving her a glance, hands taking the cards. Meanwhile your eyes were never leaving her gesture leaving the dining room to backyard porch.

3 hours passed after the moment where you got caught by your friends for staring at Ellie for too long. Everyone was asleep, except you. It was really really boring because you're being the only one who can't sleep, meanwhile everyone is drowning in their own sweet dream.

The silence in Sophie's bedroom was so quiet that the ticking of the clock feels so loud here. You get up from the bed really slow and careful as you didn't want  to disturb Cassandra's sleep, as she was a light sleeper. As you made my way out of the bedroom, you cast anxious glances at Cassandra, concerned that the door might creak loudly upon opening.

You turned your heels towards the backyard porch, then leaning your back against the fence. Your hands grabbed a cigarette and lighter from your pocket. As you took a drag, you sighed, your mind replaying the moment from two hours earlier. After revealing your cards, Ellie had turn aside her gaze, yet you couldn't shake the feeling that she was stealing glances at you every few minutes.

Okay, maybe you're really delusional.

"I thought I'm the only one who couldn't sleep?"

You fixed your position and looking around to find where the voice came from, an that's when you spotted Ellie from the house, pulling on her gray hoodie as she stepped to you. Did she just talking to you? Like, for the first time ever?

Jesus, 'No fucking way,'

You chuckled, "I guess my eyes weren't in the mood for sleep," you said. She joined you, resting her arms on the railing right beside you. "So," you said as you turned and tossed the cigarette into the trash bin below the porch, "What keeps you awake from sleeping? I mean, it's three in the morning and everyone else is asleep except us."

"I don't know," she shrugged her shoulders, and you tilted your head, "You don't know?"

"Yeah, I just… I don't even know what I'm doing before I realize it's already 3 AM. I guess I was thinking about something, getting lost in it, and then I forgot it once I realized I'm still awake," As she spoke, her smile broadened and she turned her head towards you, her gaze firmly fixed on yours.

You nodded in response. You couldn't look at her directly for fear of blushing, even as you sensed her gaze from the corner of your eye. Deep down in your mind, you found it hard to believe what had just happened. The girl you had a crush on since three months ago, the girl you always adored from afar because you were too shy and afraid, the girl you've been flirted on her TikTok post comment section are the same girl who just talking to you a few seconds ago.

The atmosphere turned really awkward when neither of you continued the conversation. The only sounds were from the insects on the ground and the occasional car passing by on the street. You humming, for at least the situation wouldn't be too awkward if you do that.. maybe.

Ellie opened her mouth, "How did you met Sophie?"

"Hm?" you glance at her and gasped the next second, "Oh, Sophie! I thought you were speaking some words," you fall silent, hummed, and let out a little chuckle from your lips, "I've known her since the first year; she was my first friend at school before she introduced me to Aimee, Cassandra, and Chloe. We've gotten along ever since… until today. And.. what about you?"

"Sophie has been my friend since childhood, we were on the same school when I was 7, her dad was my father's fishing buddy for years and we were on the same neighborhood. Now she's more like my.. older sister," she stopped, before pull herself away from the railing, "But whenever I'm with her, it feels as though I'm speaking to an old woman who lives for a long time. She told everything to me, the dos and don'ts, and even offers five minutes of advice whenever she thinks I need it!"

You groans between your laugh, "Really? No way, she did the same thing to me all the time! She's truly the mom, isn't she? Oh, you know what? One day I was scammed by someone claiming to sell tickets for my favorite singer's tour. I ended up losing about 200 bucks, they blocked my numbers and didn't say anything! And she—"

"Wait, 200?!" Ellie interrupted, her tone a mix of surprise and shock. You nodded and chuckled as you saw her mouth fall open. "That's… quite a lot," she added.

"I know! Jeez, I was so dumb at that time, and Sophie was the first person I told, and she really scolded me for an entire day. She keeps bringing it up in the middle of any conversation, as if I didn't hear her the first time," you paused for a moment, taking a breath before continuing, "She even said things like 'I told you so, I damn well told you!', 'If only you had been patient, you wouldn't have been scammed', and 'With that money, you could've bought your precious expensive book,' ugh, I wasn't born for those words!" you imitated Sophie's voice, laughing lightly as you did.

You both laughed, the conversation continues as you both found a lot common in each other's interests when you mentioned your favorite comic book. You swore she's the sweetest when she's talking, eyes always locked on you, the funniest jokes she tossed, it all raises your hopes too high. Two hours flew by, until you started feeling sleepy and decided to head back to the bedroom, but when you were already laying down, the sleepy instantly gone.

You were talking to yourself in whispers before you asleep, mind keep thinking about Ellie and there was no any signs to stop thinking about her. So many wishful thoughts and imagines if you were dating her. Yet, no matter how long you could keeping her in your mind, there's always some voices showed up in your head and saying such things like;

'You really never learned from your past,'

'There's so many girls out there who maybe caught her attention,'

'It'd seem so sad if you're the only one who fell to her and she's not.'

'Aren't you afraid if she end up with someone who's not you like how the last time you fell in love?'

And you really hate those voices, trying to block them all out without giving a single damn to it. Instead, you tried to believe that things will work out with Ellie, unlike the last time when you fell for Robin—the girl who started dating someone else the day after you confessed your feelings to her.

No, you're not going to end up the same like that. Not now, not with Ellie.

"What if she confesses her feelings to me?" you mumbled, biting your lower lip as you began giggling and buried your face in the pillow, "God, I'm so fucking delusional!" although you said that, you couldn't stop for imagining if she were tell you about her feelings, going on a date to somewhere, chilling at her house or yours, and discussing about every novel you both likes.

It was so.. cute, you thought. However, you didn't realize that you were projecting those images as hopes onto yourself and it'd lead you to breaking down if you weren't aware.

You push the pillow away from your face, shifting into a side-lying position. A smile remains ever-present on your lips. You breathe in and out slowly, then closed your eyes, it's literally five in the morning and you haven't sleep.

"Have a good sleep, Ellie,"

Ugh, you did not.

Two months down the line. Returning home from Sophie's holiday house was quite late, a full day after everyone else had left. You had the option to ride with Cassandra or take up Ellie's offer, but you were waiting for your mom, who had promised to pick you up. She didn't show up for four hours, then she texted you that she would be a bit late, and you ended up waiting her until the next afternoon.

You've called her phone countless times, but she never answers. You can't turn to your dad for help either, as he's been in Greece for three months. And your brother? He would never waste his time just for drive ten hours from his place to Sophie's home and then take you to your apartment.

So, how did you managed to get home?

Ellie came back the next night after Sophie mentioned you to her. You were overwhelmed with guilt for having declined her offer to drive you home the day before, especially since she returned just to take you home, facing a five-hour drive. She knew you weren't really in a mood after waiting literally a night for your mom who texted you that she couldn't pick you up after you were already with Ellie. She knew that. That's why she made a stop at convenience store, bought a lot of foods and drinks before taking you to the closest beach for some relaxation.

You've been getting along with Ellie. Ever since the day she made sure you got home safely by driving you home, there hasn't been a day without texting, talking, and even meeting up with her. And indeed, for heaven's sake, she made you fall deeper for her, more than ever. The way she acts around you, the way she talked to you, the way she is paying her attention at you every time you tell her your story. She really keeps your hopes still high.

She always asks you to go out at least three or four nights a week, and you've never said no. After all, it's not a waste of time when the girl you have a crush on—the same one you always comment on her posts—is asking you out. Every time you went out with her, she was incredibly sweet, as if you were girlfriends. But sometimes, she'd leaving you too soon, she would be saying sorry because she had an emergency. And it wasn't just once. But you didn't mind at all since she still brought you out to any places.

Ellie would purchase everything for you; even when you babbled thoughtlessly, she would disappear for a bit and come back with an item you had mentioned in her hand. You have always warned her against purchasing such items without your consent-literally all the time, and although she agreed, she never heard your warning.

"I swear to God, Ellie. I just told you an hour ago to not buy me some things I babbled about!"

She smiled, "Oh.. really?" you scoffed, couldn't hide the smile from your lips, "You're smiling."

"Shut up, Williams!"

A couple weeks had gone by, you started to questioning yourself about what were you to her? Girlfriend? Or were you just trapped in situationship? The worse, you were only a friend to her. You couldn't find the answer. It seems like she might have the same feelings towards you. She made you flustered, made you felt like you were the luckiest person alive. On the other hand, she never mentioned what relationship you both are in right now. You couldn't even tell if you were deserve to feel hurt or not.

Despite everything, you know how to pretend you're fine when you're hurt, right..?

Now go back to the present, you found yourself resting your head on Ellie's shoulder, half-watching the netflix show on the TV. Instead of watching the show, you were busy on your own thoughts. Confused. Who are you to her? Just friends? Situationship? You knew it too well, it felt like you can call her as yours but in reality you were not.

"Everything's alright?" Ellie interrupted your thoughts as she spoke. You nodding your head in response, lied. And unfortunately you weren't good at hiding expressions. She can feel that you were far from alright.

"Are you sure?" she asked, paused the show. Then she pinched your cheeks, leaving you laughing and grabbing her wrists as you pleaded with her to stop, "You know, you can tell me if there's anything wrong. I'll help you," she added, her fingers stopped pinching your cheeks now.

You chuckled, "That's so nice of you, Williams. But trust me, nothing's wrong now."

You keep resting your head on her shoulder, your gaze wandering around her apartment. Three minutes later, you find yourself sinking back into your daydreams. About someday, when you both are older, these moments would be the things you always laugh about over the tea every morning while Ellie watching the news.

"It was so funny back then,"

"Yeah! Oh, remember when you drove me home but the you stopped at the beach!"

You huffed, realizing once more that it was all just a dream.

"Ellie," you called her name all of the sudden, with you playing with your fingers, "Yeah?"

"Do you ever... believe that if we were patient enough to wait someone we had a crush on, they'll coming to you?" you don't know, why the question was suddenly came out from your mouth.

She hummed at first, and laughed, "No.. I guess. Because, what if you were already waiting them patiently but apparently they weren't the one for you?"

You went silent, she tilted her head to you, "Why did you asked suddenly though? Did someone caught your attention for a while and you're waiting for them?" and you nods.

"Who?"

'It's you, dumbass.' you secretly rolled your eyes.

"I won't tell you," you sigh out, "I've been waiting them for these past 5 months, and for God's sake, she's too hard for me to reach!" you slammed your hands into your thighs, inviting her laugh.

"It's almost half of a year, and you still waiting?" you nods to her question, biting your lower lip and avoiding her gaze. You heard her letting out a heavy sigh, "What if they never come to you? As if their love were never gonna come either?"

You froze, losing all your words. Why was she asked you like she knew you were talking about her?

Thereafter her phone buzzed leading Ellie quickly flipped her phone like she doesn't want you to curious, "I'm going out for at least ten minutes, you don't mind?"

And who are you to said no and pleaded to stay here? You were her guest on her house, nothing more like that. In the end you answered okay, almost whispered.

You were spying her through the corner of your eye as she walked out onto the balcony and closed the door. You could see her from inside when she walked back and forth with a big grin on her face, occasionally laughing. You really wanted to know what was going on, what the conversation was about that made her laugh so freely. But you knew your boundaries; you weren't supposed to ask her personal questions.

At one time she talked too loud you could even hear it from where you sit, "You'll come back? You're kidding, right? I swear to God, Emma, I missed you so much!"

Wait, who's Emma?

Ellie looked so excited on conversation with someone she just called Emma. From what you've heard through friends, Ellie didn't have many friends, and they mentioned only Jesse, Dina, Aimee, Chloe, and Sophie when you first confessedyour feelings about Ellie to them. So.. who's Emma then?

What if she were Ellie's girlfriend? No, there's no fucking way. Five months ago your friends said she was single, so that.. can't be. You immediately get rid all your negative thoughts about the girl Ellie mentioned on her phone call.

Enough staring her too long and overthinking. You shrugged your shoulders, act like you didn't care at all, 'I shouldn't think about this.. No. Please, please, please, try to think how sweet Ellie when she's with me..'

You changed the show into the romance one, you cannot stop smiling, you dream up if those romance scenes you watched right now was you and Ellie. The thought from you think about when you were couldn't sleep at Sophie's holiday house came back, 'Will Ellie ever open up about her feelings for me?'

It was so dumb. Do you ever think like that? The answer is yes, but who cares?

Your phone buzzed, and as you glanced at the screen, a notification was displayed.

911 sophie

hiiiii babe let me tell u i'm at aimee's rn

You

helllooooo what r u doing w her?

911 sophie

aimee was about to inviting you to her house tonight, and the others too. but her phone was DEAD RN she's planning on making a whole fucking meal like.. for 6 people??!! anyway wya???? she told me to buy some foodstuff at supermarket but i'll be fucking bored if im alone since she cant go out she's too busy with her other food creation or idk whatever she called it sooooo do you want to accompany me say yes i'll pick you up RIGHT NOW

You chuckled as you saw her text. Aimee was definitely too focused on what's her doing right now. You could tell how bored Sophie was there.

You

does she invite ellie too? anw pick me up pleaseeee ms. torres;))) at ellie's house love u!

Your gaze went to Ellie's, seems like she already finished the call. It's been 4 hours since you got here, and maybe it's enough for today even though you haven't finished the show you're currently watching.

911 Sophie

yeah she invited ellie too why? huh you were at what??? ellie?? GIRL HOW

You

mmmm i'll tell u later ;p JUST PICK ME UP ALREADY

911 sophie

OH CMON okay i'll be there in 10 xo

You paused the TV show and rose from the couch, reaching for your sling bag on the floor. At the same time Ellie, had came back from the balcony, you could tell how good her mood is by her smile.

"Where are you going?" she asked, noticing that you had already slung your bag over your shoulder. She made her way over to you, her fingers were scratching her back neck.

"I… Uh… Sophie asked me to go out for buy some foodstuff.." you pointing your thumb to behind before falling silent for a moment. "Is… is it okay if I leave now?" you ask, feeling a wave of regret wash over you immediately after, cursing on yourself for even questioning why she wouldn't be okay with you leaving.

'God, I'm so weird!'

"Oh… Okay," Ellie glanced back before turning her head to stare at you, "I was about to leave as well. Where will she meet you? And maybe I can drive you—"

You cut her off, shaking your head, "Actually… she said she'll pick me up here in ten minutes." Ellie nodded in response, her mouth forming an 'O'. She made her steps into her bedroom after she smiled at you and came back with her wearing her green jacket.

Your other side was sooo curious. Where is she going? Why did she smile so happily after the call? And what made her so excited during the call earlier? Will she be with someone, or will she be alone? You don't know, and you want to know. You really want to know. Curiosity inside you feels like started to eat you up. You immediately shook your head, pushing away your curiosity. You started talking to yourself in a really low voice, as if you hadn't said anything, "I should stop doing that."

"Ellie, I…" you were staring at her as she hummed, her gaze was met yours, "I think I'm gonna wait on the front porch." You were about to make your way to the front door, but her hand grabbing your wrist stopped you. "Ellie?"

Your eyes locked on hers; her expression was different from a minute ago. It was... guilty? Sad? You couldn't even tell. What's going on now? Was this related to her call minutes ago?

"I just... want to say sorry,"

You tilted your head. Seriously, what's going on?

"So, did you mean she was saying sorry to you without explain everything?"

Now, you were in Aimee's kitchen with Sophie, picking up the conversation that had been put on hold hours earlier. Aimee was in her bathroom, and here it's only you and Sophie whereas the rest on the dining room. You did tell her everything what happened today, once you asked her who's Emma, but Sophie wasn't sure if she know that girl because Ellie never told her about Emma. You already asked Aimee too, and all she said was, "I think I've heard that name.. I don't know." they literally left you all disappointed.

"I was about to ask her why she was apologizing to me, but I couldn't because you came to pick me up," you said, rolling your eyes at Sophie, which was followed by laughter from both of you.

"Whoa, so it was my fault, young lady?" her tone was changed along with the tip of her lips moved down shaping like upside-down 'U', "Maybe she did something wrong and you didn't notice it. Don't take this seriously because I'm just trying to speculate."

You scoffed at Sophie, "I don't know, Sophie. As far as I remember, she didn't do anything wrong that would make me mad or upset," you said, turning your shoulders down and positioning the knife between the apple slices you had cut earlier.

"Try to ask later, babe. I'm pretty sure she'll tell you later," Sophie placed her hand on your shoulder, before she moved to your left side. You gave her a disagreement gesture, huffed so loudly, made her expression was changed in seconds.

"She haven't talk to me since she arrived here, Soph," head down as you resting your hands to the counter surface, "What?"

You huffed once again. Indeed, Ellie hadn't spoken to you or even glanced your way since she arrived. It was as if you had done something to pissed her off, but you hadn't. She didn't text or call you like she always did after you left her apartment, the last message was when you told her you were already at her house. You were too desperate to find an answer or even to asking her. She seemed like a different person, completely changed from when she last spoke to you hours ago.

You both went back to dining room, sitting right next to each other while Ellie was sitting in front of you. She didn't give you a single glance, as if you weren't there. It's not like what she did when the night at Sophie's holiday house back then. She checked her phone every 10 minutes like she's waiting something important.

Your eyes were never left her gestures during the dinner. Even when your friends tried to talk to you, you just answered them briefly because you weren't in the mood to talk. Twenty minutes later, Ellie excuses herself and leaves everyone else, including you. She takes her steps to the kitchen. You see her hiding her smile by biting her lip.

Does she even realize you're here?

"Is everything okay?" asked Chloe, sitting next to you. "You seem a bit off, and I noticed Ellie haven't been talking to you either. Is there something wrong between you two?" she moved her chair so she can move closer to you.

"We're fine," you claim, but it's not entirely true. You might be pretending, yet you're actually okay with Ellie since you've never argued before. Chloe grunts, sensing the dishonesty in your words.

"I know you're lying. C'mon, you can be honest with—"

You shake your head, you don't want this conversation to continue too far. Enough for tonight. "We're really fine, Chloe. Believe me."

Chloe nods, she's back to her position, "Okay then. But still, tell me—no, I mean, please tell us if something's wrong with you two, we can help."

You excused yourself to the bathroom, but Ellie's voice in the kitchen halted your steps. You never realized what are you doing in front of the bathroom door, until you found yourself leaning on the wall right next to the kitchen where you heard her voice. She sounded so happy, laughs between her words, saying jokes that she had already told you.

The ache in your heart was undeniable. Who could she be talking to on the phone? Emma, perhaps?

You bite your lower lip, your hands wiping away the tears that threaten to fall from your eyes. You enter the bathroom and sit on the toilet, head bowed.

"Why does it hurt so much? I'm just her friend, right?"

Right, you had no right to be jealous or hurt when Ellie never thought about you being her girlfriend even though she treated you like one.

The next day, neither Ellie nor you started the conversation on messages like you two always did every morning. It felt so empty to you as you woke up and didn't find any signs of Ellie texting you.

You did your morning routine as usual without giggles and smiles. Everything went too quiet. You didn't mumbled or even talking to voice notes that you'e always sent to Ellie.

As night fell, time passed quietly. You didn't venture out, choosing instead to isolate yourself from the world, turned on the do not disturb mode on your phone even though Ellie hadn't sent any messages. The conversation remained where it was left off yesterday morning.

You couldn't resist the urge to text her, yet it all seemed no use when you deleted every word you were about to send.

You walked back and forth in your bedroom, hand holding the phone as your fingers scrolling through TikTok. None of the videos you watched, all you did was scroll and scroll, not really in a mood though but you were bored. Really bored.

Fingers stopped as you saw the profile picture, recognizing it too well, more than your own profile picture. It wasn't a video, but photos with a song called 'The Perfect Pair'. You knew who the figure in the photo was: auburn hair, sitting in the driver's seat, wearing the same jacket you saw yesterday, and the gray baseball cap she always wears.

Your eyes caught the other figure: long wavy ginger hair, sitting in the passenger seat, her hand holding the person you recognized before. God, your heart was beating faster than you could pant.

Slowly you sit on the floor, leaning onto your side bed.

You saw the caption, 'Soft launch' with some hashtag she always put in there. And the user she tagged, @/user3291emms.

That was the time you felt like something crashed your heart and broke into hundreds pieces. You know if you were too curious, you'll get the consequences. You opened the comment section, there was she commented on her own post, 'Welcome back to Boston, sweetheart.'

You feel like you're the most foolish girl who ever lived. Suddenly, you remember something that you had forgotten when you had a conversation face to face with Chloe.

"I heard from Dina, Ellie had been talking to someone for a while, the girl named Emma or something."

You didn't listen to Chloe that day because you were too busy adoring Ellie, who was playing her guitar far from you. You cursed yourself, mind repeating all those moments you always thought it meant nothing to you and her. All those moments became signs that Ellie wasn't the one.

The moment when she excused herself in the middle of UNO games, the moment when she always left too soon after she took you out, the moment when she was on the call on the balcony and she got too excited. The moment she was about to go, she was going to pick up Emma from the airport. And when she left the dinner party earlier than others, she was going on a date with Emma.

You were crying so hard, you put your phone right beside you while you buried your face between your arms.

"How could I not see the signs?" you spoke between your tears.

The voices in your head were right; you never learned anything from the past. Now, the voices were telling you why did you always ignore the signs. Because you were too busy loving someone, which led you to forget the worst-case scenario if they weren't loving you as you did to them.

Maybe you'll finally learn your lesson.

You sit there alone on the bench, at the park that Ellie always used to take you. Eyes never leaving two figures from afar, they seemed having fun on their own. Ellie hugging Emma tightly, giving her a lot of kisses while laughing at something. Thoughts of imagining if Emma were you came, which immediately you push away.

Ellie never texted you again or called you, or even talking to you, and you were trying to get used to it. Every single day, you tried to resist the urge to check the messages that had started to be abandoned.

You smiled slightly, you stood and picking up your bag, ready to leaving the park soon. Taking a small step into the exit.

You didn't know, Ellie noticed your existence right after she's done hugging Emma. Her eyes locked on your gestures, she didn't move even for an inch. As you get up from the bench, she did the same thing like she was about to take her step to you.

Oh, she did it anyway. Your wallet dropped without your knowledge. Ellie told Emma to wait for a minute and hurried over to you. She picked up your wallet and noticed the Polaroid of you and her from when she took you to the beach before. Something stirred in her chest as she wondered why you still held onto the Polaroid despite her having hurt you by avoiding you like a completely stranger.

"Hey, your wallet dropped," she tapped your shoulder twice, before you turned around.

You were surprised, Ellie was right standing in front of you. After all these months of being a stranger to each other, she showed up suddenly. You cleared your throat, took the wallet immediately, and put it in your bag. "Thanks," you said.

Everything went quiet again between you two, none of you were talking or leaving.

You felt like the goodbye was screaming in the silence. You seeing the visions of the past, maybe you just got her longing glances while Emma got her rings. You huffed, doesn't know if this was the last time you'd see her or not.

"Ellie," her smile disappeared as you called her name.

"Is it okay if I tell you that I still love you even though we haven't talk since Emma came to Boston? I'm sorry, Ellie. But I couldn't bear my feelings," you confessed to her, all those words just out from your mouth.

With furrowed eyebrows, she averted her gaze before fixing it on yours. "And would it be too late if I told you that I haven't been able to stop thinking about you for these past few months, even after avoiding you? God, I wish I could have told you sooner."

Your eyes widened. Just before you could say something, she left, leaving you all alone with her words lingering in your mind until God knows when.

a/n: i made this because i just found out that the girl that i had a crush on for months already have a girlfriend <3 (i've been crying nonstop) ANYWAY big thanks to taylor swift for the names <33333

[piranhartist]

Hoping this doesn't post t w i c e, was in the middle of uploading it but the post suddenly just vanished >:( anYWAys like the video text says I made a process vid originally for instagram, but wanted to share it here too since USUALLY, tumblr is nice about videos. Bit less nice today I guess hlKJSDF Did some impromptu fanart for Cream an Cheese though since Cream was always one of my fave mainline sonic characters? And I some reason just, never drew her????? Might've been the ears were intimidating to try an draw when I was younger or something. EIther way really happy overall how she'd came out. Very much a sleeper influence on Kito's personality too I think from when I'd first seen the character as a kid in Sonic Heroes~ Also the BG music from the vid is the song 'Lets take it Easy' from Atelier Sophie 2~

[salemoleander]

attempt thirty-three webweave

Made in collaboration w/ @girltimeswithscar for the incredible fic by @theminecraftbee

Sources under readmore!

Pt. 1: What Resembles the Grave but Isn't / Anne Boyer // uselessgaywhovian // Lithscape / Esther Ruiz // Plunge #2 / Joe Hill, Stuart Immonen, Dan McDaid // snailspng // The Storm / James Whistler // cyus-on-the-internet // teaboot // Untitled colored pencil piece / Dan Huston // Studies of a Man's Head / John Singer Sargent

Pt. 2: Davies Adding Machine // It Never Goes Away / Sophie Cabot Black // gravesent // trxnspxrxnts // buddwyer // Illustrations by girltimeswithscar // Neverafter / Siobhan Thompson // snailspng // sofubis // Alcove in the Salon of the Grand Duchess Anna of Mecklenburg-Schwerin / C. Rath

Pt. 3: o'death / Frances Molina // 'If' Medallion // Oriens Tarot Deck / Ambisun (photo by me) // The Gift / Leonard Cohen // Illustration by girltimeswithscar // Meanwhile / Joseph Yaeger // Come the Slumberless to the Land of Nod / Traci Brimhall // 'its so stupid...' text post / katadesmoi // Broken 8-day Clock // Ancient Castle / Georgette Agutte

Pt. 3 Background: Folded Strata, a Great Geological Arch / W. H. Holmes // Aurora Borealis / Frederic Church // Playing with the Colours / W. H. Holmes // Light and Heavenly / Frank Myers // Distortion achieved via the Glitch Art Generator

[fatehbaz]

Coral today is an icon of environmental crisis, its disappearance from the world’s oceans an emblem for the richness of forms and habitats either lost to us or at risk. Yet, as Michelle Currie Navakas shows in her eloquent book, Coral Lives: Literature, Labor, and the Making of America, our accounts today of coral as beauty, loss, and precarious future depend on an inherited language from the nineteenth century. [...] Navakas traces how coral became the material with which writers, poets, and artists debated community, labor, and polity in the United States.

The coral reef produced a compelling teleological vision of the nation: just as the minute coral “insect,” working invisibly under the waves, built immense structures that accumulated through efforts of countless others, living and dead, so the nation’s developing form depended on the countless workers whose individuality was almost impossible to detect. This identification of coral with human communities, Navakas shows, was not only revisited but also revised and challenged throughout the century. Coral had a global biography, a history as currency and ornament that linked it to the violence of slavery. It was also already a talisman - readymade for a modern symbol [...]. Not least, for nineteenth-century readers in the United States, it was also an artifact of knowledge and discovery, with coral fans and branches brought back from the Pacific and Indian Oceans to sit in American parlors and museums. [...]

---

[W]ith material culture analysis, [...] [there are] three common early American coral artifacts, familiar objects that made coral as a substance much more familiar to the nineteenth century than today: red coral beads for jewelry, the coral teething toy, and the natural history specimen. This chapter is a visual tour de force, bringing together a fascinating range of representations of coral in nineteenth-century painting and sculptures.

With the material presence of coral firmly in place, Navakas returns us to its place in texts as metaphor for labor, with close readings of poetry and ephemeral literature up to the Civil War era. [...] [Navakas] includes an intriguing examination of the posthumous reputation of the eighteenth-century French naturalist Jean-André Peyssonnel who first claimed that coral should be classed as an animal (or “insect”), not plant. Navakas then [...] considers white reformers, both male and female, and Black authors and activists, including James McCune Smith and Frances Ellen Watkins Harper, and a singular Black charitable association in Cleveland, Ohio, at the end of the century, called the Coral Builders’ Society. [...]

---

Most strikingly, her attention to layered knowledge allows her to examine the subversions of coral imagery that arose [...]. Obviously, the mid-nineteenth-century poems that lauded coral as a metaphor for laboring men who raised solid structures for a collective future also sought to naturalize a system that kept some kinds of labor and some kinds of people firmly pressed beneath the surface. Coral’s biography, she notes, was “inseparable from colonial violence at almost every turn” (p. 7). Yet coral was also part of the material history of the Black Atlantic: red coral beads were currency [...].

Thus, a children’s Christmas story, “The Story of a Coral Bracelet” (1861), written by a West Indian writer, Sophy Moody, described the coral trade in the structure of a slave narrative. [...] In addition, coral’s protean shapes and ambiguity - rock, plant, or animal? - gave Americans a model for the difficulty of defining essential qualities from surface appearance, a message that troubled biological essentialists but attracted abolitionists. Navakas thus repeatedly brings into view the racialized and gendered meanings of coral [...].

---

Some readers from the blue humanities will want more attention, for example, to [...] different oceans [...]: Navakas’s gaze is clearly eastward to the Atlantic and Mediterranean and (to a degree) to the Caribbean. Many of her sources keep her to the northern and southeastern United States and its vision of America, even though much of the natural historical explorations, not to mention the missionary interest in coral islands, turns decidedly to the Pacific. [...] First, under my hat as a historian of science, I note [...] [that] [q]uestions about the structure of coral islands among naturalists for the rest of the century pitted supporters of Darwinian evolutionary theory against his opponents [...]. These disputes surely sustained the liveliness of coral - its teleology and its ambiguities - in popular American literature. [...]

My second desire, from the standpoint of Victorian studies, is for a more specific account of religious traditions and coral. While Navakas identifies many writers of coral poetry and fables, both British and American, as “evangelical,” she avoids detailed analysis of the theological context that would be relevant, such as the millennial fascination with chaos and reconstruction and the intense Anglo-American missionary interest in the Pacific. [...] [However] reasons for this move are quickly apparent. First, her focus on coral as an icon that enabled explicit discussion of labor and community means that she takes the more familiar arguments connecting natural history and Christianity in this period as a given. [...] Coral, she argues, is most significant as an object of/in translation, mediating across the Black Atlantic and between many particular cultures. These critical strategies are easy to understand and accept, and yet the word - the script, in her terms - that I kept waiting for her to take up was “monuments”: a favorite nineteenth-century description of coral.

Navakas does often refer to the awareness of coral “temporalities” - how coral served as metaphor for the bridges between past, present, and future. Yet the way that a coral reef was understood as a literal graveyard, in an age that made death practices and new forms of cemeteries so vital a part of social and civic bonds, seems to deserve a place in this study. These are a greedy reader’s questions, wanting more. As Navakas notes in a thoughtful coda, the method of the environmental humanities is to understand our present circumstances as framed by legacies from the past, legacies that are never smooth but point us to friction and complexity.

---

All text above by: Katharine Anderson. "Review of Navakas, Michele Currie, Coral Lives: Literature, Labor, and the Making of America." H-Environment, H-Net Reviews. December 2023. Published at: [networks.h-net.org/group/reviews/20017692/anderson-navakas-coral-lives-literature-labor-and-making-america] [Bold emphasis and some paragraph breaks/contractions added by me. Presented here for commentary, teaching, criticism.]

[persephone-enamored]

Apotropaïsmes

Je rêve une collection. Je la sais remembrance. L’inverse est tout aussi vrai pour moi qui ne collectionne que de rares fragments mnémosynes.

La baie vitrée de Suzhou volée en éclats me renvoie aux mondes de verre de féerie, aux lectures modulées du vers ancien à la métrique hypnotique et un peu ivre – voix graves, légèrement voilées.

Le chant qui anticipe ou se remémore a ses odyssées, ses utopies, ses fata morgana. De même, l’œuvre peint. Ma peinture est un portrait de Psychê, une mosaïque d’instants-paysages flottants, outremondes d’aval et amont. L’envie n’y a pas droit de cité. L’intempérance y a le souffle court. Le symbole s’érige, apotropaïque, aux fins harmoniques.

*

Un conte s’invente.

Il devait avoir 10 ans. L’enfant avait les joues roses et rondes. Il vivait aux temps des splendeurs rêvées, des ruelles en méandres, murailles basses, brillantes comme le kaolin sous leurs tuiles vernissées. Il explorait sa ville de soie.

Une chimère est tombée à ses pieds. Elle a les joues couleur de cendre, la gueule béante, les yeux ronds et les pattes griffues.

Elle est de bon augure.

*

Je dépose un baiser au front de mon aimé.

©️MaOphelie-Sophie D. S. W.

Fata Morgana (2024) – création digitale composée avec Procreate sur iPadPro par ©️MaOphelie-Sophie D. Schallerwright

[readingloveswounds]

i have gotten sO many texts from County Emergency Management today

[pattypanini]

Lay All Your Love On Me

Chapter 7- Girls Night Out

Jake Kiszka x Reader and Josh Kiszka x Reader

Word Count: 4.5k

TAGLIST

AN: Hi everyone! Here is the seventh chapter of Lay All Your Love On Me from me and @mar-rein12! Although this chapter does not have anyone going to pound town, we wanted to have a chapter where you could get a little lore on y/n and her friends.

Warnings: 18+, Alcohol (like an insane amount do NOT do this), sexting, nudes, cursing, angst. (Not very exciting stuff but your not ready for chapter 8 and 9 so take this chapter as a breathe of fresh air.)

Y/n’s POV

It’s been a little over a week since that night with Jake. After receiving that late-night text from Josh, things have gotten better between you two, but the guilt was still eating away at you. Josh has been friendly, but not as sexual with you. Sure, you’ve wanted to go over a few times and he's teased at it but nothing ever came of it. You missed your time with him. To make matters worse, you haven’t heard from Jake since that fateful night. You didn’t really know where you stood with either of them. You were confused by your own feelings. 

There you stood on the stage, right beside Josh, preparing to run ‘the wedding scene’. Your stage mom begins to walk you down ‘the aisle’ when the music begins to play, Josh standing at the altar. As the priest begins to speak, Donna interrupts him making the announcement about Sophie’s father. 

Your dialogue continues with your mother, “ I don’t care if you slept with hundreds of men. You’re my mom and I love you so much.” You give her a warm embrace. 

“I haven't slept with hundreds of men,” she chuckles along with you. Sam, one of your potential dads, walks up to the front and begins the tense conversation. As all your possible dads, come join you at the altar to support you in your marriage, for you to call off the wedding.

“Sky, let's just not get married yet. You never wanted this anyway. I know that. Let's just get off this island and just see the world!” You project in your animated acting voice. “Okay? Alright?” 

Josh pulls you in for a kiss and a hug. “I love you.” You know it was just acting, but you genuinely felt cared for in that moment. Josh scoops you up, bridal style, and carries you off stage. 

When you make it backstage, Josh gently puts you down, accidentally swiping his hand across your ass. You know it doesn’t mean anything, but you couldn’t help feeling a little spark. You take a deep breath, innocently resting your head on his shoulder. His left arm snakes around your body, gripping at your waist to pull you into his side. His mouth leans down towards your ear, lightly whispering “You did so well. This is gonna be a really good show.” 

“It really is.” There’s a moment of silence before you decide to bring something up that you have been thinking about for a little bit now. “We've gone through some real character development with each other. We went from enemies, to fucking, and now we’re really good friends. I would say that's pretty good.” 

“I wouldn’t say we were enemies.”

“I would, you hated me. But it doesn't matter because we're here now better than ever.” You stand there whispering a little closer. “But I do miss our times together. I think about it sometimes…”

“No one ever said they had to stop, you just never came over.” He places a little kiss on the top of your head. Giving you butterflies.

He was right, you haven't been over since your night with Jake, you felt weird going over. It felt wrong. But you’d be lying if you said you haven’t wanted to, maybe you should.

“Okay so when are we hanging out.” You ask boldly. 

“How about this weekend. We can go out Saturday, and if things lead to it you can come back to the apartment. Jake will probably be there. Do you care?”

Of course he’ll be there. But you couldn't act like that would change your mind. “Yeah that sounds good. I can't wait.”

“This might be a little pushy now but do you maybe wanna call tonight and catch up. Even though we’ve been hanging out during practice we haven't been talking much since then.”

“I mean we didn’t really talk a lot before that either, we kinda just fucked.” You chuckle a little.

 “True but we still texted more. So can we?” Josh asks with puppy dog eyes.

“As much as I’d like to I can’t tonight, I’m going out with Charlotte and the girls. We’re going to go bar hopping.” 

“On a Thursday?”

“Yeah! Thirsty Thursday.” A small giggle bubbles out of you nervously. Why was he making you nervous?

“Okay, well, what about tomorrow night?” He pushes. 

“Someone sounds a little desperate.” You tease him. 

“Is it desperate to want to talk to my friend?” Friend. You hadn’t heard him refer to you as his friend before, it was weird. But you pushed that feeling down and shook it off.

“Yes definitely, we can call, but why don’t you just have me over?”

“My dads coming up on Friday with my little brother to visit. He’s probably gonna come here unless he convinces our parents to let him work on music the way he wants to. Jake didn’t get out of that one.”

You chuckle a little. “Yeah sure we can call tomorrow and then hang out Saturday.”

“Sounds like a plan, I’m really excited.”

“Me too.” You smile at him,  really excited for this new era of the two of you. 

-

As your friends, Arianna and Mae, make their way to your apartment, Char finalizes her look for the evening you finish off your hair still in your satin robe. Char was sporting a red v-neck bodysuit with black flare leather pants. 

As you look at your closet you ponder on what to wear but couldn’t think of anything good. Maybe you could have a little fun tonight. You open your phone to your messages opening a new chat.

9:45pm y/n: What am I wearing tonight hottie?

9:46pm Jake: Didn’t expect to be hearing from you, I missed you.

It felt wrong, but you weren’t tied down, you weren’t with Josh. 

9:47pm y/n: I missed you too, I’ve been thinking about you a lot. Sooo I’m going out tonight, what am I wearing?

9:47pm Jake: Depends, where are you going?

9:48pm y/n: Bar hopping in town.

9:53pm Jake: Wear the baby pink tank that you wore on your insta a few weeks ago for your friend’s sorority event and that white mini skirt you wore in your Christmas post.

9:54pm y/n: Stalker much lol

9:56pm Jake: I told you I’ve had my eye on you for a while now.

You make your way to your closet and pick out the pieces of clothing Jake chose. You opted for no bra since this shirt held your boobs in place since it's pretty tight.

10:05 pm y/n: Done, thanks for the recommendation.

10:06pm Jake: Umm… no. Not how this works, show me beautiful. I wanna see that sexy body of yours.

You take a quick mirror picture, making sure to pose in a way that accentuates your curves. 

10:07pm y/n: Attachment: 1 image

10:08pm Jake: Perfect as always. I really love having some control over you. You know since I can’t really be with you other than in secret. 

10:10pm y/n: Thank you 😘 I like it too, you can control me however you’d like. 

10:12pm Jake: I'll keep that in mind. Keep me updated tonight, I'll be thinking about you.

You slip on your white booties and clasp your plain gold chain around your neck, along with your classic initial necklace and daily earring stack.

“y/n, Arianna and Mae are here now. Are you ready soon?” You hear Char shout from the other room. 

“Yeah one moment!” You make sure your makeup and hair look up to standard and finish everything off with deodorant and a quick spritz of your favorite perfume. You make your way out of your room, being met with the faces of your best friends. The room fills with shrieks and cheers as everyone sees each other all dressed up. 

“You look so hot, y/n. Your outfit is serving cunt,” Char never fails to make you feel good about yourself. Arianna and Mae agree with her, as Ari pulls her phone from her purse. 

“Selfie?” she says holding her phone up. You all lean into each other, smiles plastered across your soon to be drunken faces. 

“Alright! The uber is gonna be here any minute. One shot, then we gotta go.” Char says lining the shot glasses up on the table, she pours the clear liquid into the tiny glasses. Everyone throws their heads back to take their shot.

“WOOOOO! Lets fucking do this!” Mae screams at the top her longs making her way to the door. God you loved these girls.

Once you are finally in the Uber you feel a buzz come from your lap. 

10:27pm Josh: Be safe tonight, lmk if you need anything. I’ll be thinking about you.

I’ll be thinking about you. These twins have you fucked up, majorly.

10:27pm y/n: Thanks, have a good night too ☺️

When you finally make it to your first bar you and the girls hop out of the uber, feeling excited and ready for the night. Your heels clack against the concrete as you make your way down the sidewalk. You open the door of the bar and you’re immediately smacked in the face with deafeningly loud music and an intense wave of heat. 

“Holy shit, it's hot in here,” You hear Mae announce from behind you. You all make your way over to the bar to order your drinks. 

Arianna, Char, and Mae voice their drink choices to the bartender, as you stand there trying to decide what to get. You came to the conclusion that you needed something strong, something to help you let loose and forget about those god damn Kiszka boys. 

“May I have a long island, please.” You politely ask the bartender and turn around on your heels to face your friends. They are all staring back at you with widened eyes, drink in hand. 

“Damn girl, we’re only at the first bar,” Arianna jokes, a laugh erupting from the other two. 

“I know, I just really want to let loose tonight, it’s been so long since we've all seen each other. Besides, it’s okay to get fucked up every now and then,” you wink at them, you all share a boisterous laugh. “Ugh, I missed you guys so much.” You pull them all in for a big group hug, and pull away only when the bartender offers you up your drink. You give him a quick ‘thank you’ and make your way over to the booth the girls snatched up. 

You squeeze into the booth beside Char, who is sipping away at her vodka spritz. You take a sip of your own drink and spark up a conversation, “So, what have you guys been up to lately? Any special men in your lives?” 

You watch as Mae’s cheeks flush a light pink, “Actually, I have been talking to this guy. He's a really cute, kinda surfer boy with blonde hair. He’s from Hawaii and said that I should come down to visit him so he can teach me how to surf. Isn’t that so romantic?”

“How did you meet him?” Ari asks, wanting to know all the details.

“Well I was there in Hawaii for like a month on vacation, he was wearing a Michigan sweatshirt so I went up to chat and he said he was transferring here. We hooked up a few times while I was there and we’ve been talking for a few months now, I think it's getting real.” 

“That's so cute Mae! I'm so happy for you. When will I get to meet this amazing man?” You ask excitedly. You were happy at least one of your friends wasn’t struggling with relationships like you were. 

“Umm I don’t know , maybe I can introduce you guys to him this week. And what about you y/n anyone new on the roster or are you finally settling down?” Mae says, wiggling her eyebrows up and down.

“Nothing crazy, just doing my normal stuff.” You say, trying to bypass the question.

“Ummmm no actually, you’ve been pretty occupied with a certain someone for the past few weeks. He has even been over to the apartment.” Char says sipping at her drink, looking over to Ari and Mae.

“The apartment?! No guys are ever brought there, he must be special y/n.” Mae adds, giving you a sentimental look.

“He’s just been a good hookup, it's really nothing crazy. Don't act like you guys haven't gotten with the same guys more than once.”

“Well who is it?”

“That's none of your business, Ari.” You tease her with a devious smile on your face.

Mae and Ari look to Charlotte, knowing that at some point she would spill. You can see her struggling to hold it in before…

“IT'S JOSH KISZKA! I’m sorry y/n I really tried to keep it in.” Your forehead falls into your palm not wanting to look up at the group. “Charlotte, seriously!”

“Josh Kiszka, like the sexy theater kid Josh Kiszka?” Mae’s eyes are practically popping out of her head.

“Is there any other?” You reply dryly.

“How did you guys start talking, I hear he’s a hard one to get with. Heard he's kind of an ass, too” Ari says leaning towards you.

“Being an ass is 100% true, getting with him was actually pretty easy though. He was ready to risk it all the first time we hung out together outside of practice for the musical.” You feel the alcohol begin to take effect on your body.

“And his brother Jake, well the one time-.” Everyone is sitting waiting for you to finish. “Well he’s always gone. Josh always kicks him out of the house. I barely even knew he existed.” Lie. “Except for when he walked in on us.”

“WHAT! When???” Mae’s bright blue eyes grow even wider than before. 

“I don’t know, a few weeks ago? It was the first time we hung out alone. He made Jake go to a friend's house and then Jake forgot he had to go and walked in on us. Honestly, I think he did it on purpose.”

Ari cuts in. ��I bet he did, I had a class with him freshman year and I overheard him talking with some kid. I think it was Tommy Bucks, nonetheless, they were looking at your Insta and Jake was saying some crazy stuff.”

“L-like what?” Suddenly you’re completely sober. 

“Oh I don’t know normal boy stuff. ‘She’s so sexy, I’d fuck her, She has a fat ass.’ Just the usual.” 

“I did end up getting with Tommy actually, I think.” You mention. You all share a little giggle. 

“Have you ever thought about getting with Jake?”

Oh fuck. “Like I said, I don't really know him. Only time I talked to him was when I had to leave and he apologized.” Oh, you were going to hell. 

“Makes sense.” Ari adds, Mae nodding in agreement. But Charlotte's face was telling a different story. Her eyes narrow at you, in suspicion. 

You chug the rest of your drink. “Next bar?” you suggest. 

Everyone nods and quickly takes their last sip before grabbing their things and heading out the door to the next bar. There were a good amount of bars nearby so taking an Uber wasn’t necessary. 

When you finally get to the next bar you start thinking about him. He’s been on your mind a lot recently, but you were so confused with your emotions. Things were becoming way too complicated for your liking. Against your better judgment, you decide to shoot him a text. 

11:15pm y/n: I miss you, I want you. Wish you were here.

11:16pm Jake: I miss you too sexy, and your body. I wish I could be with you, taking that slutty little outfit off. Who picked that out again?😏

“y/n order your drink!!!” Char screams into your ear over the blaring music. You look up from your phone noticing you’ve been staring at your phone for a little bit. 

“I’ll just have a strawberry daiquiri please, thank you.” Your eyes go straight back to your phone, fingers typing away quickly. 

11:16pm y/n: You did baby and I wouldn’t mind you taking it off of me either. 

Something washed over you, maybe you were ovulating but you were feeling a certain type of way. 

11:16pm y/n: Wanna see me, Jakey?

11:17pm Jake: Of course, sexy girl. Show me what's mine.

The bartender hands you your drink, and immediately you take a big gulp emptying half the glass. 

11:18pm y/n: Who said I was yours?

11:18pm Jake: Is anyone else getting these pics?

11:18pm y/n: No

11:19pm Jake: Then they’re mine, along with your body, all mine.

Next thing you know, Charlotte fingers are snapping in your face. “y/n, it’s girls night not ‘whoever your textings’ night.”

“Okay fineee.” You slur out,  shoving your phone back into your purse. You take another large swig of your beverage, following the girls out to the dance floor. One of your favorite party songs comes on, Bloodline by Ariana Grande. Perfect timing. 

“Even though you’re bad for me, I know!” You serenade Charlotte. Well, maybe more like scream at her. “You’re the one that I’m thinkin, got me feelin’ so incredible. Would you mind maybe linkin?” You sway your hips to the beat and every now and then take a sip of your daiquiri. 

Your favorite part of the song comes on, and with the influence that you were under, you were being absolutely obnoxious. “DON'T WANT YOU IN MY BLOODLINE, YUH. NOT TRYNA MAKE YOU ALL MINE, YUH. AND NO NEED TO APOLOGIZE, NO. BUT YOU GON’ HAVE TO LET THIS SHIT GO.” You scream the lyrics with your chest, jumping all around with Char, Ari, and Mae. This was the most fun you had in a while, but he was still lingering in the back of your mind. 

As you continue to dance, your drink slightly sloshes around in your cup. Charlotte, in her drunken haze, accidentally bumps into you,sending your drink flying all over your shirt. “Oh my God, y/n. I-I’m so sorry,” she apologizes, her words slurring together. 

“Char, it’s not a problem, really. I’m just going to run to the bathroom real quick to dry off. I’ll be right back!” You begin to walk away from the dance floor towards the bathroom.

“Do you want me to come help?” You hear Charlotte ask.

“No, no. It’s okay, I promise. I’ll be quick. Might take a piss while I'm in there, too.” You hand your drink to Char and disappear through the singular bathroom door, quickly locking the door behind you. You grab a few pieces of toilet paper and try to wipe off as much of the drink as you can. Oh fuck. When you look into the mirror, your nipples fully see through your baby pink top. Wait. You look back to the door to make sure it is locked. 

Opening your camera you take a few shots of yourself. One straight on, seeing your nipples through the shirt. One from above showing your cleavage, making sure to push and pull them in all the right places. You look back to see them. Damn you look pretty good. You take one more shot from below, showing your ass peeking out of your skirt. Perfect.

11:31pm y/n:  Attachments: 3 Images 

11:31pm y/n: I hope you're still thinking of me, I know I’m thinking of you.

11:33pm Jake: Holy fuck y/n, you’re so fucking hot. I need you so bad. Show me more baby please, I'm so desperate for you. 

11:34pm y/n: You want me to come over?

11:35pm Jake: Really? Please.

11:36pm y/n: No, keep dreaming tho 😉

11:37pm Jake: You're such a tease. I think you owe me now.

11:38pm y/n: You’ll get more later don’t you worry baby. Ttyl 😘

You quickly take your piss and make your way back onto the dance floor trying to find where your friends were sitting. When you finally locate them you take a seat next to Mae and take a sip of your drink.

“Char get off of HayDay, I swear you're addicted.” Mae says from across the table, much louder than she has to.

“HayDay is life guys. I’m almost to level 40 and I need to get my stuff ready for my boat.” She slurs as she stares at her phone like a little kid. You giggle at her taking a larger sip of your drink. I really want a beer.

“I think I’m gonna get a corona. I'm in the mood for it.” You say before slipping off your seat trying to make your way to the bar.

Ari grabs you by the shoulder, “y/n, I think you should slow down a little on the drinks.” 

“Omg you guys are so boringggg. I don’t even have class until 4 tomorrow so I’ll deal with it before then.” You continue your way to the bar asking the bartender for a corona with a lime. As you wait for the bartender to return with your drink you meet with an old face. Oh shit.

“What’s up, pretty lady.”

“Hi Mark.” You give a dry response not super happy to be seeing him especially after the call situation when you were with Josh. 

Mark used to be a regular hook up for you. He was an attractive man, 6 foot 2 and played basketball for the university. You met him in a class last semester and through ‘studying’ you began to see each other more often. Which led to makeouts and then quickly became hookups. But his attractiveness is as far as it went. He had an awful personality and wasn’t very faithful to any of his past girlfriends. And while he may seem charming on the outside, once you got to know him, his aggressiveness came out. He would get mad when you slept with other men even though you weren’t dating. So you slowly weaned off him and didn’t really reach out to him after that. 

“Why the sour face, aren’t you happy to see me?” He asks with his classic smirk.

“Not really Mark, so if you don’t mind I’m gonna go back to my friends now.”

“Whatever y/n, give me a call whenever you’re actively fucking someone else” Mentioning the call that happened the other day. 

“Why did it make you jealous hearing someone else make me feel good?” You give him a fake little pout, pretending to feel sorry for him. 

“Not at all, I know you’ll be crawling back to me whenever you get bored of the current man.” He says bluntly, walking away without another word. 

Fuck him. You grab your drink and head back to the table. “Guys you would not believe who I just saw.” You say sitting back in your seat.

Charlotte looks up from her phone, ready to hear the drama. “Who, spill.”

“Mark.”

“I fucking hate him bro. I don’t know why you hooked up with him for so long.” Char rolls her eyes.

“I didn’t give a shit about his personality, I just wanted to be dicked down.”

“Well, I think it's a sign we should head out.” Char says quickly sipping the rest of her drink down. You quickly grab your beer, chugging as much as you can before handing it off to Mae to finish the rest.

The last two bars were a drag. You didn’t drink that much due to the fact that you heavily drank in the last two. You finally get into the Uber and doze off until you are nudged by Char when you arrive at the apartment. 

When you make your way inside you shake off your boots and head back to your room. Jeez you look a mess. A hot mess nonetheless. You open your phone to a couple texts. 

The first being from Josh. 

12:47am Josh: Lmk when you get home safe. 

1:23am y/n: I just got back, Thanks for checking in on me, Josh. 🥰 Ttyt

The second being a less innocent text from his twin brother. 

1:04am Jake: I’ve been thinking about you all night. There hasn’t been a moment I wasn’t thinking of you. 

1:12am Jake: You make me wanna touch myself y/n. 

1:25am y/n: I can help you out with that 😉

1:26am Jake: Please baby I need it. If you don’t want to, it's okay, but I wanna cum to you. You make me fucking crazy.

You smirk at his texts. Oh, how you love begging men. You slip off your top and take a picture of yourself, holding one tit in your hand pushing it up slightly, snapping the photo. Maybe it was the alcohol but something came over you. You begin to take a little video. Holding your tit and pushing it up to your mouth. Sticking your tongue out trying to lick your tits, something that has been proven to get the men going. 

1:29am y/n: 2 Attachments: 1 image, 1 video 

1:30am y/n: I’ll talk to you tomorrow, enjoy your little videos, and don’t be scared to save them for a later date. Night Jakey😘

Without waiting for another text you plug in your phone and take off your skirt slipping into a large shirt. Taking off your makeup was not even a thought, you crawled into bed, reminiscing the best girls night out ever.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

@demonrat444 @gvfstuddedmajesty @jordie-gvf @jazzyfigz @slut4lando @gvfmarge @peaceloveunitygvf @jjwasneverhere @areuirish @mar-rein12 @woyayaofdreams @freyjalw @musicspeaks @jennabobenasblog @do-it-jakey-baby @dannys-dream @sarah-gvf01 @jakekiszkapunchmeintheface

[castleofravens]

a bpd reading of fitz vacker

please note that:

i am not a licensed mental health professional - this comes from personal experience & my own extensive research

i am a fictive in a complex dissociative disorder system, one of my sources is fitz vacker - some of this is based on my understanding of my source as well (pls treat me like my own person, i am)

this is not intended to be a means to demonize or villainize anyone, mental health should never be used as a means to villainize anyone just based on diagnosis alone

this is also not intended to diagnose anyone!! i am not a professional!!! if you do have an "oh shit" moment reading this, i would advise doing research on bpd yourself & speaking to a professional if you can!!!

any ableist comments will be deleted<3

one of the Main Features of bpd (if not the main feature) is difficulty managing/regulating emotions (some want to rename it to emotional regulation/dysregulation/intensity disorder instead)

this emotional dysregulation has made him act impulsively (particularly in not thinking before he speaks when he gets angry, being quick to feel emotions and letting them overtake him instead of letting it go, saying things when he's angry that he would typically never say otherwise)

the last part is something i think everyone does? but he has a pattern of it which is when it becomes an issue

he also sees things in a very black or white, good or bad view, which he also extends to other people. he idealizes certain people (such as alden, keefe, and sophie), which could be easily read as a favorite person attachment (especially with how he's shown to put sophie on a pedestal in his mind)

a favorite person is someone a person w/ bpd idealizes, looks up to, and/or relies on for emotional support/attention/affection/validation

he does not trust easily (telling sophie she's the only one he trusts, another thing tying into the "sophie's his favorite person" theory i have), and if/when his trust is broken, he can completely switch up his view of that person, either momentarily or for a very long time (alden, alvar, della, keefe, sophie)

i personally value communication and honesty, i get paranoid rather easily and if i feel like a friend or partner is hiding stuff it can send me spiraling, sometimes the threat is just a perceived threat and sometimes it is real, but regardless, i don't trust easily and that trust is easily broken

people with bpd have a not very stable/consistent sense of identity, and building it around a specific thing about yourself or about how other people perceive you is fairly common (examples from the text being "but we're cognates", attaching to the idea of him and sophie dating/being a good match, and leaning into the "vacker golden boy" label), and anything that disrupts that or could disrupt that being met with jealousy or seemingly irrational responses (arising from fear of losing that identity) is uhmm very understandable

also bpd is like... usually something you get from childhood trauma/the environment you were raised in and... the vackers are a Very Interesting family

i don't think that alden is 100% a bad guy, like i do agree that he has good intentions or intentions he thinks are good and i do disagree with the portrayal of him as a mindlessly cruel father

you can have good intentions and still mess up (which he kind of did) and having good intentions still doesn't excuse acting not great? but he's also a product of how he was raised and his world which we don't have like... canon evidence for what his childhood was like but since he's a vacker i cannot imagine it was very healthy and i think he's perpetuating that cycle onto his children ?? i think that a lot of the families just need therapy tbh (which...therapy's super important if you don't want to continue the "haha let's find new and exciting ways to fuck up my kids" cycle) (actually therapy is important in general go to therapy guys) (some therapists arent great but theres some really good ones out there too)

i will add onto this or revise this in the future when i think of more or think of how to better word this but this hc is very important to me and i've not really seen anything relating to it so i'm being the representation i want to see in the world 😔 also feel free to add onto this

[sweetshire]

HI FRIEND (even though this is text I am waving so fast at you)

I hope you’re doing well! A couple questions but also please take this as a chance to talk about what you think is cool. Ok two questions: who is your fav lotr character?? If that’s too hard, maybe top 5? I am such a Sam fan, I love that silly little guy. I also love pippin. And I also love merry. And I also love Frodo. Can you tell I like hobbits.

Ok question 2: do you have a favorite sherlock holmes story? And do you have a favorite adaptation?

Secret third question: do you have a hobby that is not your favorite but that you do enjoy doing? Like if it’s on your list, one that’s solidly in the middle?

Ok that’s it!!! Thank you for being in my notifs, it always fills me with joy to see you there hehe <3

*waves back* HEYYY FRIEND AM I GLAD TO SEE YOUUU!! i was thinking about just yesterday bc GUESS WHO FINISHED READING E.W’S encyclopaedia of faeries? me! i did! this was goood. sweet and wholesome and utterly charming <3 and exactly the kind of book i needed to read atp, given that the next few books on my tbr are mostly classics or hard-hitters. u were so right they ARE giving howl & sophie!! these delightful fuckers- they have me squealing & smiling all day 🥺🥰

1. u should know that this is too hard a question for me & when u ask me anything abt lotr i could ramble for centuries but i’ll refrain from listing every one of my beloved characters, which includes the minor ones too obvsly because i’m me :) anyhow! woo *quivers excitedly* here i go: first would be a tie between frodo and denethor- i physically cannot (& will not) choose. also lmao SUCH a contrast in both their, well, character - lol well done, me! (yet they’re soo similar too. yes i find parallels between their narratives AND everything else as well what of it) then in no particular order- eowyn, faramir, boromir (basically all the gondor men <3), legolas, & as u know i adore the hobbits. all four of them -um 5, including bilbo- but MERRY!! i hate to see him brushed aside & unappreciated. justice for merry, and frodo too!! what selfless, sacrificing, lovely dear hobbits *cries* OH OH AND I ADORE SAMWISE TOO i’d be a fool not to. there’s not a person who’s capable of not loving him. no doubt i’ll be cursing myself later for forgetting other dear ones…

2. charles augustus!! god i’m obsessed w the milverton case. what doesn’t it have?? a master blackmailer. a lady killer (she slays -literally ajdksf). hand-holding. h&w being not at all hesitant abt committing a crime - a master detective who’s always used to solving one!! delicious.. it’s the story™ which perfectly captures the true essence of holmes’ character imho. and ‘a study of scarlet’ ofc. irene adler (nee norton) queen i love u. big shoutout to ‘the copper beaches’ also. i like all the stories with the ladies

3. hmm i do! fav one is - u guessed it - reading. to answer ur question: i looove doing henna!! every summer without practice i’d practice it on any hand i could find. i’m an amateur but still i like it. i haven’t been able to do it this summer :( on account of. me & my whole family has been sick/unwell in some way since the past month & a half or so. but i’m planning on applying mehendi or do a painting soon!! (i also liked to collect coins/stamps/buttons or some such as a child - i habit i’m always in danger of relapsing into but shh)

[lemissingmask]

[ID: Sketch of Eliot Spencer with long hair and in a sleeveless top, tied to an upright chair with his hands bound behind it and his neck held to the back of the chair with a thick leather band. He has blood and bruises visible on his face. In the background, beyond him, is Alexandra Bligh walking towards him and talking, and in the foreground is a close up of someone drawing a bright red liquid from a vial into a syringe. Black bars above and below the sketch is the text 'COMPOUND 002 -- 15 % w/v' and 'DOSE # 1 12/26/22 -- 17.04', respectively. End ID]

-

Day 15: Experimentation

Bligh makes a deal with some high ups in the FBI or CIA, gets released in order to oversee and run experiments into more effective methods for torture and interrogation using untraceable chemicals. Each experiment is recorded visually as well as notes taken.

Ficlet below the cut - part 2 of the three-parter started on Day 8

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Parker hated the velvet softness of the night. Almost as much as she hated the glimmering stars that broke the darkness like thousands of unattainable diamonds.

How dare the evening be so peaceful and calm and beautiful when Eliot was in so much pain?

Or probably in pain.

He wasn’t dead. He couldn’t be dead. He had promised not to leave her and he wouldn't break a promise.

But they knew by now who had him and why, and it was impossible that Eliot was enjoying anything less than torment.

Because that was the point.

That was why they took him.

Using Hardison’s hacking access, they had managed to find out who took Eliot after almost two weeks of searching, and what they found was horrifying.

Alexandra Bligh, released before ever really getting to jail, had been extremely active.  Expenses that took some digging to find revealed rental payments for a building on a private island off the east coast, the hiring of a complete security team and of several scientists from within various government institutes, and purchase orders of chemical ingredients for some of the most brutal enhanced interrogation drugs currently in existence.

The funding had come from within government, through several layers of secrecy, but ultimately under the ordinance of a former member of the CIA. Someone who Vance - after being made to understand that Eliot was in severe danger - revealed had worked with Eliot on some classified operations under his command.

The funds had been transferred under the name of an operation that had very little digital trace, beyond the purpose, whose lengthy wording boiled down to: design new chemical means for breaking people, and the person in charge: Alexandra Bligh.

Hardison had researched the components while his and Breanna’s programs worked to search for Eliot, and privately told Parker what he thought they would do.

Like red haze mixed with toxins designed variously to trigger pain receptors, alter the threshold for pain and other unpleasant stimuli, and cause something called central sensitization, which Parker didn’t understand but it sounded bad.

Hardison’s simplified summary sounded worse. All the memory and sensation heightening effects of red haze, but now with added very real and very strong pain.

They were using Eliot Spencer as the test subject to develop more brutal, untraceable, methods of enhanced interrogation.

And all that on an island almost inaccessible by any stealthy means.

Now Parker was standing with Breanna on a dock in the darkness, waiting for Dr Not-Dead-Paul to bring around the boat they’d need to get to the island. They'd called him in to help in the recovery mission, in part because they needed someone trustworthy who could fight, and in part because they didn't know what state they'd find Eliot in. Having a medic who Eliot knew on hand could prove very useful.

It was Paul who suggested Harry and Sophie remain behind. Having been told what they believed Eliot had been kidnapped for, he cautioned against having too many people around at the point of rescue. Only the three of them needed for the rescue itself - Breanna to stay in the boat or just beside the building, using the proximity to get into their servers and then guide Parker and Paul to where Eliot was, and the thief and temporary hitter would then break him out and escape.

“What if you need more muscle to get out and Eliot can’t fight?” Breanna asked nervously, watching the headlights of the boat as it approached, “Shouldn’t we call in another hitter? Bligh looks like she hired a hell of a lotta security...”

“No time,” Parker watched beyond the boat into the darkness that hid Eliot somewhere inside it, “And Eliot will be able to fight.”

“He’s been tortured for weeks…”

“He’s been shot, stabbed, beaten, drugged, poisoned, and hit by cars, trucks and carnival rides, and still been able to fight. He’ll be fine.”

"Parker's right," Paul said, and Parker thought he sounded sad, "Eliot can handle being tortured. And, usually before, he’s had to fight his way out alone. No team to back him up."

"But he does this time," Parker smiled at Breanna and hoped it looked reassuring, "Eliot's going to be fine."

He had to be fine.

Like Paul said, Eliot had been through torture before, and probably for much longer than this. He’d been injured physically and tormented mentally more than enough times for this to be almost meaningless.

In theory.

But theory didn’t stop her being on edge and upset and angry at the beautiful night.

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