#( this blog is still going to be on low activity bc school but i miss writing

[crowncursed]

"Dear Diary, Are you still giving me the silent treatment? I said I was sorry for letting Gunter eat your pages! What else do you want from me???" There's a large gap between entries.

"Haha, oopsie, got a little crazy there. So, heard any juicy secrets lately?" There's a small doodle of him laying on his bed, kicking his feet, writing with a small heart shaped pen, as he waits for the diary's response.

[just-another-author-i-guess]

The unholy

Also posted on my wattpad account; diontanysus

Warnings: she/her pronounced reader, I think I accidentally gave Jungkook a choking kink ups, needles and stuff, don’t read if you don’t like needles, more making out, everyone’s still horny idk what to tell you, y/n is bi bc I make the rules, dry humping? Almost prison sex?? Also I did not edit it through bc I’m tired

Pairing: bts ot7 x reader, nun! reader, princess! reader, vampire! Jin x reader, hybrid! Namjoon x reader, hybrid! Yoongi x reader, vampire! Hoseok x reader, vampire! Jimin x reader, hybrid! Taehyung x reader, hybrid! Jungkook x reader

Parts: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 -

Author’s note: tw/mental health stuff: so after a long ass break (what has it been? Almost two years?) I sincerely apologize for not being active at all. My mental health has just continued to go downhill during the pandemic (I hope all of you are healthy and well!) but lately I’ve been gaining some motivation to write back. My mental illness has made me unable to actually enjoy any of my old hobbies so finally starting to enjoy writing again feels amazing. However, I’m really sorry to say that this series probably won’t be continued for that much longer bc tbh I have no idea where I’m going with it. I’ll try to update when I can, but don’t expect much haha. High school is extremely draining rn, I have sm homework I need to do. Also sorry for the short chapter- this has been in my drafts for like 2 years and I finally decided to finish it. Also I feel like I should apologize for not answering my dm’s. So to everyone who has sent me something I’ll start to look at it now that I’m back, I’m really sorry for the long waiting time <3 anyways, here’s the chapter I’ve been owing you guys for like forever. I hope you enjoy! (:

(Updates; very unreliable, I’ll try to write more when I have time!)

Taglist:

(please let me know if you want to be tagged!)

(i’m so sorry if I missed someone, it’s been such a long time since I’ve last updated this)

(Hi again I’m super sorry if I tagged someone twice, once again it’s been ages since I’ve done this so it’s a bit messy)

@joonsroses @boononx @i-am-supermerwholoked221b @karissassirak @bvblackarmy @queenbianca-7 @someslightobsessions @d-noona @oii-f-eli-x @dapppphhhhh @heranimesupermanopera @jkoojeon @iloverubberduckiez-blog @btsenchanting @tryintolive33 @multifandomgirl29 @kpopfictrash @serious-addiction @http-lovelyknow @hazeljrz @hauntedpeesha @heranimesupermanopera @manjirodni @softieforeveryone @creativecookiecrumb

The intensity in Jeongguk’s kiss was unreal, it was almost like he could swallow you whole through it. His hands had snaked out through the bars, wrapping around your smaller body and pulling you flush against them.

Strangely, Jeongguk was not cold like the rest of them, he seemed so warm and inviting, you couldn’t help but blindly obligate when he gently squeezed around your throat, positioning it how he wanted it.

Before long, his mouth started to slip from your mouth, parting with a sigh as he kissed down your cheek and neck, licking stripes as he went along.

When he found the spot he wanted, his grip around you neck tightened, cutting off enough air to have you slightly panting in his ear, as he began to encircle the spot with his tongue before sucking purple and blue bruises into your skin.

You couldn’t help but let out a small, shaky moan at the sensations Jeongguk’s mouth created on your skin, and it wasn’t long before you were desperately gripping his collar trying to pull him even closer, cursing the cool bars between you.

Jeongguk adjusted your head, a little more rough this time, his patience was running out and by now you could feel the two sharp fangs poking at your skin.

With a low whine, you turned your neck, blotting it even more for him, and you felt chills run through you as he deeply moaned into you neck.

“Shit,” he groaned, when your scent hit him, even stronger than before.

Without warning, he let his fangs sink into your skin, enjoying the small noises you made, as his one hand came down to grip at you hips, pressing them up against his own.

Blood flowed from your new wounds, painting his mouth, your clothes and your dress with crimson, as you felt him gulp it down, gripping you harder and harder with each gulp, as he began slowly rutting his hips forward and into yours.

The friction, made a shaky whine slip out of your lips, as he pressed you harder against the bars, thrusting harder forward as he drank, until his thrusts had become so violent that the whole cage he was trapped in began to rock along.

You felt his bulge grow harder and much larger than you would expect, as you felt yourself simultaneously grow hotter and fog began to clout your mind, as more and more blood left your body.

Your eyes slipped close, the warm feelings consuming you, as your lower half did it’s best to keep up with Jeongguk’s almost animalistic thrusts, when suddenly in the midsts of your euphoria the sound of a door being ripped open caught you ears, and Jeongguk tore his mouth from your neck, your body falling forwards and slumping against the bars.

“Jeongguk! Jeongguk, I swear if you just as much as touched her I will rip your fangs out a shove them up your ass-“ the gruff voice was cut off, as the person behind it came to a stop.

“Y-Yoongi hyung,” Jeongguk rasped, clutching your body, as you fought to stay awake just a little longer, blood leaking from your fresh bite wound in violent streams.

You were ripped from the warmth that was Jeongguk, colliding with a stone hard, cold chest. Even in your weak state, you struggled to get out of his grip, how his fingers tightened around your arms when the smell of blood and arousal hit his nose. His fingers were slender and his nails dug into your skin, carving out flesh and leaving moon-shaped nail prints behind.

He was cold and almost repellent, but he was still the one thing keeping you from tumbling to the floor, even when your legs gave out and you were just hanging loosely in his grip.

Once again your body had become that of a ragdoll, as your thought process slowed and you had to blink a couple of times to clear your head and vision, for the cloudiness creeping in the corners of it.

“As soon as we leave you alone! Unbelievable! Jin-hyung is gonna have a fucking aneurysm because of you!”

Jeongguk’s head bowed down, seemingly in false shame as his elder scolded him, becoming increasingly more worried as the situation got more time to sink in.

You know you should have been ashamed as well, throwing yourself at a man you barely met a couple hours ago, but still the only feeling you were able to dig up was annoyance.

Who was he, to stand there and scold Jeongguk? Acting so self righteous, like he wouldn’t do the same if he had the chance. It made you want to roll your eyes, like some spoiled teenager.

You noticed a chance in Yoongi’s grip, when he started to turn around, hoisting you up by holding you underneath your arms and legs, and even if you didn’t want to be picked up, you knew better than to struggle more in the cold vampires grip.

A chill shot through you, the feeling of being completely surrounded by his cold aura so much more different than the warm, almost sweet fragrance that Jeongguk carried around.

You looked back over his shoulder, as he started to walk, catching a glimpse of Jeongguk standing still pressed up against the cage. His head was hanging low, as if he was affected by the scolding, but his lips bore a smirk proving that he wasn’t. He was satiated. For now.

Your eyes locked with his, just as Yoongi slammed the door shut with the back of his foot, and continued up the stairs, carelessly holding you like you were a pillow, or something meant to toss around.

“I can walk,” Your mouth moved on it’s own accord, but you meant the words nonetheless.

To your surprise, Yoongi let out a snort. Apparently, your words were the funniest thing he had heard all day.

“The second I let you down, you’re gonna run right back down in that cellar,” he spoke calmly, but he had a way of pronouncing every word that made it clear he was angry with you still.

You furrowed your brows, angrily kicking your legs in the air, demanding to be let down.

“How could you possibly know that?” You huffed, as you struggled in his grip.

The corners of his mouth moved up, just the slightest, but enough for you to notice and question what exactly he found so funny about this whole situation.

He stopped walking, suddenly, making your head bump against his chest rather harshly.

“You have no idea how stupid you sound, do you?”

“What do you mean-“ your traitorous mouth, spoke up again, ignoring the fact that it was the sole reason you were landed in this mess to behind with.

He shot you a sharp glare, forcing you to stop mid sentence, as you looked up at him, expecting some kind of scolding, like the one he’d given Jeongguk.

“You have no idea how dangerous that situation was, stop thinking I just ruined your little romantic moment when I saved your life. If it weren’t for my interference, your head would be rolling around on the floor right now. Is that what you want, huh?”

Even though your mind actively fought against his words, you knew they were right.

What were you thinking?

If it weren’t for Jeongguk, and his stupidly enchanting voice you would never normally have gotten yourself into a situation like that. These creatures were so powerful, and yet you acted so carelessly around them.

“Are you going to stop fighting me now?” His voice was back to the tired, monotone state you had heard him speak in before.

It took you a minute or so, but finally you nodded and Yoongi let out a sigh, satisfied with his own doing.

He carried you through the halls of the castle, for what felt like forever. Your head lolled back into his chest as you let yourself relax, just taking in the magnificent interior of their home.

He finally stopped, when he was just outside the room you’d first met Jeongguk. Without lifting a single finger from you, he concentrated deeply on a little mark on the door. It looked to be scratched into the wood, probably by a knife, but the details in it was what really caught your attention.

It glowed a faint purple, letting you see all the small  intricate designs that adored it. You were surprised something so small could have so much detail, it would take someone with expert eyes to carve it. But then again, all the house residents seemed to inhabit some sort of magic. Their eyes probably worked a thousand times better than yours.

Suddenly the door flung open, making you jump a little in Yoongi’s grip. You looked up at him startled, noticing how his eyes glowed the same faint purple. You blinked to make sure what you saw was true, but as soon as your eyes opened again, the purple was gone and his irises was back to the same warm brown they had always been.

You looked at him intently, as he stepped into the room. You knew he could feel you looking at him but chose to ignore it, he probably knew you saw his eyes change color too. You wanted to ask into it more than anything, but your mouth was dry and you couldn’t find the right words. You opened your mouth to speak, but closed it again and decided to let the case rest until later.

You heard the door slam shut behind him as he gently dumped you on a hospital bed, standing in a corner of the room.

“And why exactly am I here?” You scoffed. “Am I going to take part in another messed up experiment?”

Yoongi shook his head. “Stop talking. It’s annoying.” He said, back turned to you as he fumbled with some glasses on a small table with wheels.

“Aw, Yoongi-hyung! Don’t be such a bore, tell this lovely little thing why she’s here. She’s just dying to know,” a voice came from behind you, you shrieked and swiftly turned around to face whoever was hiding in the shadows, almost falling off the side of the hospital bed in the process.

Yoongi hummed, still not turning around. “Oh. When did you get back, Jiminnie?” He said, trying to conceal how funny he found your scared shriek.

The so called Jiminnie, stepped out of the shadows, finally allowing you to see him in the industrial lights that was hanging in the ceiling.

Your mouth opened. He was absolutely gorgeous, they all were, but this one had an entirely new aura to him. His features were sharp, and slightly feline-like. He held his head high, making it seem like he was the most important person in the room (and he probably was) but also allowing you a good view of his sharp jawline. A jawline you could cut yourself on, you were sure. His hair, was what puzzled you the most. It fell just over his eyes, grazing his high cheekbones. It was longer in the front and shorter in the back, looking soft to the touch. If he shook his head, maybe you would be able to smell the hair rinse he used. But it was blonde l, unnaturally so. You could just barely see his dark roots. Never had you heard of extracting color from ones hair, not without magic at least. A flush rose to your cheeks, when you realized he must have been a very trained magician.

“Precisely an hour ago. The Darklands were nice, but when I heard about all the ruckus Jin-hyung had started I needed to see it for myself,” He stepped closer to you, you scooted back but he was quicker. With inhuman speed he grabbed your chin between his pointer and thumb, holding it with just enough force to let you know not to move.

He examined you closely, you stared back at him like a deer caught in headlights, taking mental notice of the blue and golden rings that swirled around inside his otherwise brown eyes. “He sure has taste, the old man. She’s pretty, but did she really cause such a big fuss? I can’t imagine something so fragile.. so cute, could do any harm? Hm?”

He looked at you as he spoke, but his words were directed at Yoongi. You furrowed your eyebrows, not quite fond of the way he treated you like some sort of animal.

You put your hand on his, noticing how it was cold like Yoongi’s. “Who even are you?” You said, eyeing him suspiciously. You tried to pry his hand off, but it didn’t budge. He watched you struggle for a bit, before chuckling and finally letting go.

“My apologies, darling. I’m Jimin, at your service,” he bowed deeply, almost mockingly, the wide grin never leaving his lips.

“U-uh, (y/n) at yours,” you said, not used to such formal greetings.

Jimin winked at you as he stood up, before walking over to Yoongi and slinging an arm around him.

Yoongi let out an irritated huff. “Watch it. I can’t get this stuff anywhere, it stains like crazy.”

Jimin tsk’d. “Yoongi-hyung. Always so serious,” he drawled, fake pouting. “

“Someone has to keep it together around here, Jin brings in one simple human and everyone loses their damn sanity. It’s like working with a bunch of children.. very stupid children,” you couldn’t help the pout that spread over your lips, when he referred to you as a “simple human”.

Jimin threw his head back in laughter, a rather lovely sound that made you think of strawberries and sweet tea on a hot summer day.

Yoongi turned around to face you, holding a vile of some strange looking purple-ish liquid. “It is actually good you’re here though, Jin-hyung asked me to conduct the experiment again when you came. And since you’re here, sit down, next to (y/n) and I’ll make this as quick as possible.”

Jimin hummed in agreement and sat down next to you, you felt the mattress dip slightly beneath him.

Yoongi reached behind him and grabbed a syringe, also filled with the purple liquid but something seemed slightly off about it. The syringe seemed to have a purple glow that the vile didn’t have, not to mention the blue ropes of whatever swirling around inside it.

You held your breath as he approached, eyes trained on the syringe. You closed your eyes tightly, as he approached you first, waiting to feel the pain of the syringe penetrating your skin.

When you felt the cold glass of the vile press against your lips, you let out a small relieved sigh. “Open.” Yoongi instructed, and you did as told.

The liquid inside was cold as well, it tasted a bit like candle wax but you swallowed it anyways, scrunching up your nose in the process.

You opened your eyes when you felt Yoongi move, removing the vile from you and moving on the Jimin. He was already holding his forearm out to Yoongi, having rolled up his white sleeve. You looked on curiously as Yoongi quickly stuck the needle into his skin, directly into a vein. Jimin tensed up, letting out a strained groan as the liquid filled his veins. He pressed a hand to his forearm, long nails digging into his own skin and leaving deep marks that would heal just a moment after.

“Don’t worry, doll-face. It doesn’t even hurt,” he grunted as Yoongi emptied the syringe and pulled it out.

Yoongi shook his head. “Don’t lie to yourself, Jiminnie. Here, drink this,” he said and handed Jimin your vile, barely any purple liquid left in it.

He quickly grabbed it and downed the rest, the unmistakeable clinking of sharp fangs against glass filled the room. He slurped loudly when the vile was empty and turned to you. His eyes were now almost consumed by the blue and gold, fangs protruding from his lip.

You felt a tingling sensation all around your body, your brain turned to static as you stared into the reflection of yourself in Jimin’s colorful eyes. You felt the hair on the back of your neck rise, you blinked a couple times but the world seemed to be in slow motion. You reached for Jimin, your hand feeling heavy just to lift.

“Do it. Now,” You faintly heard Yoongi in the background and suddenly Jimin was grabbing you by the waist and hoisting you up on his lap. He tilted you backwards and used one of his hands to move your head to get as much access to your neck as he could.

You whined, not really sure if it was out of disagreement or contentment. You felt his cold breath on your neck, his wet tongue licking a long, thick stripe up your neck before his fangs graced your skin. He didn’t hesitate further, letting his fangs sink into your putty-like skin with a content moan.

He held you closely to him as you laid spread out over his lap, you closed your eyes as your head lolled back. You felt the blood pumping in your veins and leaving your body, you felt his icy hands grasping your side and your jaw.

A new, cold feeling spread from his fangs and through your body and suddenly your consciousness was back. You sat up a bit more, grasping his shoulders with a gasp as you felt the familiar pleasure of being bitten but just as you started to enjoy yourself, he pulled away with a long moan. His eyes rolled to the back of his head as he dried the corners of his mouth with his sleeve.

“Hm, thank you, pretty one. You are absolutely exquisite,” he panted, looking down at you with doe eyes. They were back to their normal color, or what could be considered a normal color for a wizard-vampire creature you assumed.

You let out a disappointing huff, cheeks tinted red from the compliment. “Oh? Are you not satisfied, dear?” He asked smugly, a mischievous shine in his eyes.

“Oh no, she’s had more than enough already. You did well, Jimin.” Yoongi cut in, handing you a plate of clementines that seemed to have appeared out of nowhere.

You gingerly took the plate from him, immediately popping a slice of clementine in your mouth, smiling to yourself as the sweet juices filled your mouth.

Jimin hummed at Yoongi’s compliment and gently ushered you from his lap, onto the bed again.

“This is the first experiment that went genuinely well, or without our subject passing out,” Yoongi said, furiously writing down in a notebook.

“Oh?” Jimin said, quickly jumping off the bed and moving behind Yoongi to see his notes. He snorted, rather loudly. “Jeongguk almost ate her alive, I see. Rather bold of you to conduct an experiment with him in the first place,”

Yoongi elbowed him and swiftly closed the notebook. “Shut up.” He muttered.

You stared at the two as they bickered, Jimin catching your eyes and winking again. “Eat up, dearie. You need the strength,” he said in a singsong voice, fingers drumming on Yoongi’s shoulder.

You nodded, a little embarrassed at getting caught staring and went back to your clementines.

“So. Jimin is a warlock?”

“Mhm.” Namjoon nodded, eyes not leaving his book. The two of you were spread across a couch in front of the fireplace. You had been a bit weary about turning it on, fearing that it would somehow interfere wrongly with Namjoon’s icy body temperature but he assured you it made no different.

Your head was in his lap as you stared up at the backside of the book he was reading; Anatomicum: a guide to resurrection and the art of the human viscera.

“Actually, Jimin is older than a lot of us. On the inside at least, physically not so much,” Namjoon said, licking his finger as he turned a page. “He was one of Jin’s first experiments, of course with consent, he wanted to temper with warlock DNA and as you probably have noticed, Jimin is indeed also a creature of the night,” Namjoon smiled. “A vampire, as you put it.”

You snuggled further into his lap, your back completely turned to the hot fire. “Is Yoongi also one then? A warlock?” You mumbled tiredly, knowing Namjoon’s inhumanely good ears would pick up on it wether you spoke a bit quieter or not.

Namjoon opened his mouth, but closed it again. He let out a breath through his nose, before he spoke. “No. Yoongi is.. special in his own way.”

You huffed at his vague answer. “That certainly clears things up, thank you, Joon.” You said, voice dripping with sarcasm.

Namjoon chuckled. “He will tell you, if you survive long enough that is.” He said jokingly, closing his book.

You shut up, almost banging your head on his book. “I’m so tired!” You whined. “No one here tells me anything! First I get kidnapped, then I get almost killed on multiple occasions, the least I deserve is an answer, don’t you think?!” You raised your voice as you spoke, dramatically throwing yourself across the couch, away from Namjoon.

“I-I get pushed around, I have no idea what’s going on, I’m hungry, I’m scared and every time one of you do something to me it’s my fault?! I can’t- I won’t just sit by forever while you conduct your vile experiments on me!” You felt the tears well up in your eyes, the more you thought about it, until you were violently sobbing.

You sat up and pulled your knees to your chest, burying your face in them in the process. Hot, warm tears streamed down your face as the reality finally sunk in.

Surely, you were gonna die here. You couldn’t even go back home with everyone thinking you killed the high priestess, but right now you wanted nothing more than to bury yourself under the covers of your bed back at the monastery. You missed your roommates too, they had been kind to you even though you initially had expressed no interest in the church.

You even missed your parents who sent you away to that awful monastery to begin with.

The thoughts only made you cry harder, until your body was shaking and you struggled to breathe. Your cheeks were red in embarrassment, but you couldn’t stop the tears from flowing over, your loud wailing echoing in the room.

He calmly looked on as you threw your fit. “Curious things, humans, aren’t they?” He said, mostly to himself. “Alright, ask me a question and I will answer as truthfully as I’m allowed.”

You sniffled, lifting your tear stained face from your knees. A bit of snot was hanging from your nose and quickly you wiped it away, an embarrassed laughed leaving your lips once you finally stopped crying.

“Well..” you pretended to think deeply for a moment. “I wanna know what Yoongi did to me down in the lap, it seems to be the first time my life having been hanging by a thread.” You said, wiping your eyes with your sleeves.

Namjoon smiled, dimples wide on display. “This, I can answer!” He clapped his hands together, excited to talk about his favorite subject; potions.

“I’m guessing Yoongi gave you the purple colored liquid?” Namjoon asked, tilting his head as he scooted closer to you.

You nodded, looking up at him with big doe eyes.

“Alright, well, I told you about the poisons, yeah? Of course I did. So, the purple liquid was actually another sample of Jeongguk’s venom, you know the one that makes you really tired? Yoongi probably mixed it with herbs, since the raw stuff would be way too strong for you, and that’s why it’s purple. The injections he gave Jimin, was simply to boost is fangs and blood hunger to make the experiment quicker. If I know Yoongi well, and I do, he probably gave Jimin a sample of the venom too, to see if it has any affects on the process-“

You put a gently hand on his cheek, cutting off his rambling. He looked at you, confused. “But why? What was the point of this experiment?” You asked, voice a bit raw from crying.

“Oh,” Namjoon chuckled. “You see, Jimin’s poison has a cancelling effect on other poisons, without other poisons in your system it could be extremely dangerous as it will also cancel out your blood flow amongst other things, but as a cure for a larger number of other poisons it works quite well. The experiment was simply to test if he could drain Jeongguk’s poison from you. It seems the experiment was quite successful,” he tilted his head. “How are you feeling?”

You closed your eyes for a moment, leaning back on the couch as you tried to connect with your body. “Tired. But not in a poisonous way, I guess. Just tired as in its-late-and-I-should-sleep kinda way.”

“That’s good. Means Jin’s theory’s were right, they have never been wrong though. I mean, they are always mostly right,” he chuckled.

“Hm,” you hummed, leaning your head on his shoulder. You stayed like that, watching the fire with heavy eyelids, just enjoying the quiet.

You were almost asleep, when the door was swung open. Swift steps made their way over to the couch and you recognized a familiar smell of iron.

“Lady (y/n)!” Aera beamed, standing over you.

You sad up and looked around groggily, realizing that Namjoon was no longer with you but someone, you suspected him as the culprit, had placed a blanket over you.

“Ohh you look so cute when you’re tired! I could just about eat you whole!” She giggled and you looked at her startled, not quite sure if she was joking or not.

She pinched your red cheeks, running her other hand down your neck. “No time to sleep! The night is still young and you have a dinner to get ready for,” she said, tone slightly scolding.

In your tired state, you leaned your head on her hand, making her smile appear even wider. “Come now, plaything, we have much to do to get you looking presentable,” she teased and pulled you up by the hands, wrapping an arm around your waist.

“Dinner?” You asked as she guided you our the doors of the library and down the hall.

“A dinner, yes! Ohh! I’m just so excited to see the other lords react to you, little bunny!” She giggled, taking quickly off down the hall with you safely fastened in her arms.

To be continued..

[kinktae]

beyond the story: bitchin’

Hi friends! I hope you are all staying safe and healthy during these tough times! I really wanted to put something out there as a thank you to just how much support Bitchin’ got. You guys really are incredible. So, although this story has come to an end, I wanted to properly close the Bitchin’ chapter by giving you all a behind the scenes look at Bitchin’ and everything that went into writing it. This includes hidden easter eggs, backstories, alternative plot-lines, and a short drabble of the Bitchin’ cast 10 years after the story’s end.

Without further ado, please enjoy and thank you again for all your love. You have all of mine.

CHAPTER ONE – PARTNERS

Ah, yes, the start of this whole wild ride. I’ve always loved the whole nerd/popular person trope in fanfics, so it was only a matter of time before I tried my hand at it too. One thing I was adamant about was not making this a “popular person turns nerd hot/confident/better” fic as its kind of one of my least favorite cliches. With that in mind, and knowing that I was going to allude to TATBILB’s contract, I decided that I wanted Y/N to gain as much from the deal as Jungkook did. No blackmail, no just agreeing for the hell of it – Y/N was going to further herself and her dreams given the opportunity.

The beginning of the chapter is where the two are most separated and dissimilar throughout the whole story. It wasn’t that they were fundamentally different, it was that they approached life differently. Y/N was frustrated at how superficial Jungkook seemed, because she believes there is much more to life than just kicking your feet up and cracking jokes.

On the other hand, Jungkook didn’t understand why Y/N was so tense and on guard. To him, life was meant to enjoy and not take so seriously. Which makes sense, given that he grew up with minimal rules and minimal worries (bare minimum partners wassup !) 

“So, do we have a deal? Partners?” There was mischievous timber to his words, the kind that made you feel as if this would all later come back to bite you in the ass.

Pushing that pestering thought away, you took his hand into yours, holding his eyes as you gave it a firm shake.

“Partners.”

God, this bit. I knew from the minute I wrote it that I was writing the ending of bitchin’ along with it. I knew this was exactly how I was going to end this story, bc the word partners has multiple means right? In chapter 1, this meant business partners, but in the final chapter… it means life partners. Idk, I’m just still really happy with this writing decision :D

CHAPTER TWO – THE CONTRACT

Dearest Yara. We meet her in chapter two don’t we? Yara is completely based off of my irl best friend Yara who is a writer and who helped me A LOT with this story. She was my biggest supporter throughout figuring out this crazy plot. It was initially only about seven parts, but with her help I managed to bump it up to 10! Everybody say thank you Yaraaaa.

You were angry, that much was evident to her. Yara was sat in your shared dorm’s living room, a thick blanket engulfing her small frame. You briefly glanced towards the TV, it was tuned into MTV, the familiar music video of Every Breath You Take by The Police playing, before directing your glare back onto the copper-haired girl.

The song reference is a direct allusion to writer Yara’s fic, which is one of my favorite fics by her. She was actively writing it around the start of our friendship so it only felt right to pay respects to her. The introduction of her character felt necessary imo bc I wanted to make sure Y/N had a life outside Jungkook. Plus, I got to use the scenes between the two girls as a way to reference the music and culture scene. Yara is especially a fan of the powerful women in the music industry at the time, i.e., Madonna, Annie Lennox, Cyndi Laupner, etc.) Yara is a raging feminist and believer in sexual freedom and libery for women, we do in fact have to stan.

“How old do you think your sister is?”

“Hey, don’t sass me. For your information, Lyanna still has all her Care Bear tapes. She threw a hissy fit when my mom tried to give them away last Christmas.” Yara recalled.

Lyanna is one of writer Yara’s past pseudonyms. She always used to joke about how whenever she read it, it was confusing because there was Y/N, Yara and Lyanna, which were technically all her lolol.

FUNNY STORY ABOUT THE CONTRACT I INSERTED INTO THIS PICTURE… Twitter found it and made it into somewhat of a meme because no one knew it came from a fic rip. I was actually rly embarrassed and even wrote some posts about how much twitter scared me on my blog LMAO. but THEN weirdly enough, I actually stumbled upon a small community on twitter who actually found my fic and would TWEET ABOUT IT!!! LIKE REACTIONS TO EACH UPDATE!!! I wish I could go back in time and remember how giddy I was the first time I found a tweet about my fic. The fanfic community on twitter gave me a new love for the site (which I had previously had removed myself from because of its toxicity) and I have met so many wonderful people because of it. People even made themselves a little twitter group chat to talk about my fics, and now we are all friends! I miss posting a chapter of bitchin’ and refreshing my twitter feed as all my mutuals would post memes and live tweet their reactions. God that made me so fucking happy.

CHAPTER THREE – THE ROLLERSKATING DATE

I love the bickering in this chapter, because unlike the bickering in the first chapter, it’s actually less hostile and more playful. Y/N is slowly letting her guard down to the very persistently charming Jungkook.

“Woah. Family of six, huh? So you have siblings then.” He noted.

“Yep. Three.”

“Tell me about them.”

Looking up from where you were slipping on your second skate, you met Jungkook’s eyes, surprised to see genuine interest in them.

I actually originally had Y/N brush him off here. I was going to wait until the drunk party scene for Y/N to open up about her family and relationship with her sisters. But then I kind of thought to myself… Why? Y/N made peace with it and doesn’t hold onto those insecurities anymore. And objectively, Jungkook hasn’t proven himself to be a bad person so… I let Y/N open herself up to him.

“Then there’s the twins, Rosa and Lia.”

“Hold on. Twins? Wait… did they go to our high school?” Jungkook asked, his interest in this conversation doubled.

“Yep. They were two grades above us.” You confirmed.

“Oh shit, yeah, I remember your sisters, they were mad hot.” Jungkook let out a low whistle, before stiffening, flashing you an apologetic look. “Uh, in a totally non-meathead way.”

You offered the scared-looking boy a small smile, shaking your head.

Some of y’all notice but, Rosa and Lia are a blatant homage to my name: Roselia. ACTUALLY some form of my name can be found in every one of the rewind series fics, including upcoming ones. I’ll give a cookie to whoever can find every single mention hehe.

“I told you it was dumb.” You laughed nervously.

It wasn’t that you cared much about what Jungkook thought but you had a feeling a guy like him, who was popular and carefree, wouldn’t be able to sympathize in the way you would like him to.

“No, I’m just… surprised, that’s all.”

Jungkook certainly was surprised. You had built up quite the impression on him from the very moment you two met. It was hard to imagine that the girl who was so unapologetically herself was ever unsure or insecure.

Somehow, the idea tugged at his heart, as if he understood you more if only just a little.

From the get go, Jungkook was extremely drawn to just how confident and secure Y/N was in herself. I knew I wanted Y/N to be unapologetically sure of herself and in her abilities. Something I didn’t want, however, was for frat boy!jungkook’s only personality traits to be liking sex and being a cocky bastard (although I am a big consumer of that trope heh). Jungkook is actually canonly incredibly insecure. He lacks a real sense of self, which is why he is so desperate for Kiri back. His relationship with Kiri at that time was a big part of what he thought was himself. He has somewhat of low self esteem tbh which is why he’ll go back to a woman who treated him unfairly. That’s why he comes off the way he does in the first chapter and why Y/N thinks he has a big ego... he’s overcompensating. He finds it so endlessly fascinating that Y/N, in all her confident glory, was actually once super insecure. He admires her all the more once she opens up about her past.

“Oh, Rosa is an intern for our hometown’s newspaper but between you and me those assholes don’t even let her write. She does coffee and burger runs for men in charge. And Lia sells ice cream at the mall.”

“What about your brother?” Jungkook asked.

“He’s training to be a cop just like my dad.”

“And your mom?”

“She works at a convenience store.”

All their careers resemble people in the latest Stranger Things season (Nancy, Steve, Hopper, and Joyce). Fun Cameo there.

“What’s wrong?” You wondered, following his eyes.

“October 16th, 1985. 6:48PM.”

“Yes. That’s today’s date and time. What about it?” You pressed, growing confused.

“Remember it.” He warned.

“Why?”

“It’s when I fell in love with you.”

This iconic line I actually got from the real Jeon Jungkook himself. While Jungkook wasn’t actually in love with Y/N here, it certainly was a cute way for him to express his admiration for her.

OH HERE’S A FUN FACT: the hickey scene at the end of this chapter where JK and Y/N kiss for the first time was actually supposed to be Yara giving Y/N the hickey like the best friend she is. Ultimately I went with JK giving it for... smut purposes... ≖‿≖ 

CHAPTER FOUR – THE HALLOWEEN PARTY

The decision for Y/N to be Freddie Krueger came from me planning to be him for Halloween. And I was! JK as Glen Lantz just followed naturally. I’ve seen some great edits of him as the character. Truly chef’s kiss.

I really liked that Jungkook came over to the girl’s dorm to get ready. I didn’t want a scene where Y/N was thrown into a situation she was uncomfortable with which is how much Nerd At A Party Scene go so made sure Jungkook stayed by her side throughout the part, going out of his way to introducing her to the people he cared about.

Tae’s character came in when I realized I needed a way to actually put Y/N’s event in motion. He was the missing link and BOY did you guys eat his character right up huh. Love that for me.

Another thing, the confrontation with Kiri was so hard to write guys, I reeaaaally struggle with girl conflict. GIRLS SHOULD SUPPORT GIRLS. However, not everyone gets along in real life so I went with Kiri being more along the lines of petty rather than outwardly a cunt to Y/N. Realistically, Kiri is popular and well liked among the greek life so being unkind to someone she hardly knows wouldn’t make sense. There’s definitely tension between these two but I tried my best to steer away from the typical cat fight/revenge porn/public humiliation trope most movies seem to follow.

CHAPTER FIVE – THE FIRST TIME

Introduction to Erik!!!! It was really important to me that Y/N had a life before Jungkook. That's why I wrote in Y/N having a fiancé. She’s not opposed to love, she just has reshifted her focus. She knows what she wants and is choosing to focus on that, which why when she realizes she’s falling for Kookie she’s so hesitant to admit it because she’s fallen down that road before. Even though Jungkook treats her with respect and acknowledges the parts of her she’s most proud of, she just isn’t willing to possibly give up her passions for love. Which is why she doesn’t immediately confess to him, even once she’s sure she loves him.

“I’m serious, nerd. You’re like… um… the sun!” Jungkook marveled, eyes growing full as the realization dawned on him.

“The sun?” You laughed.

“Yeah, like… you’re this bright, beautiful thing that seems like it’s here in front of me but is really light-years away.”

Jungkook was drunk, and although you were sure he was making more sense in his head, you couldn’t help but feel your face grow hot, unsure of how to react to his drunk analogy.

“You’re the sun, Y/N. You make the world turn for you. Never orbit for anyone else.”

And suddenly, you were kissing him, for no other reason other than you wanted to and that it felt like the right thing to do.

No real commentary here. Just love this bit. It’s probably my favorite interaction between them two ‧⁺◟( ᵒ̴̶̷̥́ ·̫ ᵒ̴̶̷̣̥̀ ) 

“Also… She’s, uh, currently dating Eunwoo.” You told Yara.

Your best friend blinked, silence falling over her.

“Yara?”

“Good for her.” She perked up almost forcibly. “Let her put up with his annoying ass.”

Yara could see the way your expression had turned dubious as if you didn’t believe her nonchalant act.

Yara turned up her nose defensively, “What?”

Ugh yes, some character development from Yara.... the flavor ! Yara (much like Y/N and JK) also struggles with love. She has a real fear of commitment and if far more comfortable with casual sex than relationships. She did develop actual feelings for Eunwoo, she just wasn’t ready for that kind of commitment so she cut him off. Fleed the scene if you will. Typical gemini smh my head.

"I don’t think the contract mentioned orgasms.” Jungkook smirked as you released his thumb.

“I say we let it slide.” You shrugged, leaning into him casually.

“You think?”

“Totally. Think of it as… a bonding activity.” You joked, resting your chin on his shoulder, peering up through your lashes.

“Damn, we’re really committed to this fake dating thing, huh.”

You laughed in the way that you hated, but Jungkook loved; it was loud and abrupt, but it genuine, and it was you.

“What can I say, I’m a method actor.” You sighed dramatically, causing Jungkook to grin before pressing a kiss to your nose, simply because he liked the way it always seemed to make you smile.

GOD THEY’RE SO WHIPPED FOR EACH OTHER ITS DISGUSTING!!!!!! I’m really happy I decided not to make sleeping together a big deal and I got a lot of feedback from you guys agreeing! I had a lot of fun with these two’s sex scenes knowing they could do it whenever they wanted.

CHAPTER SIX – THE STEM EVENT

I started the scene with smut BUT I wanted to point out that much of their time spent together is at Y/N dorm, Jungkook either napping, hanging out or doing work as Y/N would study like she always did. I liked the idea that Jungkook would get bored and would want attention from Y/N because she was so focused. Idk, I just wanted to write a love story about two people spending time together and figuring out how they fit in each other’s lives as opposed to some dramatic I mEeT HiM aNd mY LiFe bEcAmE cRaZy. There’s nothing wrong with that plot line, I just didn’t want that for these two dorks. I wanted Y/N to interact with JK’s scene and crowd but not give up her own which is why most days JK and her just lounged around in her dorm studying.

Also, I don’t know how the teacher/student roleplay made it into the smut, it just did, no further questions (ʃ⌣́_⌣́ƪ).

Then the event scene.

“You’re whipped, dude! Seriously.”

Jungkook felt his face go red, “Shut up, no, I’m not.”

“Hey, I’m not judging. I get it. That’s your girl.” Taehyung shrugged. Jungkook placed a hand on the fold up table in front of him, staring down at the information pamphlet you had worked so hard on.

“She’s just… so fucking driven and passionate about everything she does. Sometimes I look at her, and I’m just like… holy shit, what am I doing with a girl like her? I feel like she’s totally out of my league and being with me is holding her back but— I dunno, man. I just… really like her.” Jungkook revealed, voice growing small.

An unexpected wave of tenderness fell over the two boys, Taehyung throwing an arm over his little brother’s shoulder.

“I’m happy for you, bro.”

Jungkook didn’t know it just yet but dude was talking from the heart and, is in fact, totally whipped :’c

I loved the confrontation scene between the boys and Eunwoo because the boys standing up for Yara really did make everyone feel like a friend group, not just some character who happen to exist at the same time. It wasn’t just Y/N and Yara and one side and the boys on the other. They would all become friends, which is ideal to me. A boyfriend who likes your best friend and considers her a friend so you can all hang out??? Yes please.

Initially, irl Yara and I had noooo clue if Yara would end up with Eunwoo or not. That was actually the original goal actually. But after this chapter four, you guys made it ABUNDANTLY clear that you guys wanted to see Taeyara, despite the two never even meeting! Honestly, it wasn’t until this chapter was written that we decided for sure that Eunwoo was out of the picture for Yara. Part of me really wanted to keep Yara single, but irl Yara insisted on dick and frankly, she’s right. Bitchin’ Yara deserved a shot at love. She definitely has her own story outside of Bitchin’ and will experience a lot of growth in the future.

“God, I know. I do not miss that temper of his.” She chuckled, her words piquing your interest.

“Temper?”

“Oh, yeah. Have you seriously not experienced it yet? He’s got some gnarly anger issues. Not to mention all the lying…” Kiri paused suddenly, straightening up as she flashed you an apologetic look. “Yikes, I’m sorry. I totally should not be telling you this. I’m not trying to be that gross girl that shit talks her ex to his current girlfriend.”

Miss Kiri, Miss Kiri. She really acted up this chapter didn’t she. There was a lot of discussion about whether or not those things she said about Jungkook were true. Which was exactly what I wanted hehe. We come to find out that Kiri had definitely stretched the truth. She really is good at manipulation and understanding how people think and it’s why she is in the role that she is in. Messy queen.

CHAPTER SEVEN – THE ROOFTOP DATE

This entire chapter was inspired by High School Musical with Troy and Gabriella’s rooftop garden scenes. This was my shortest chapter and honestly, probably not my strongest. I definitely went into writing this with zero concept of what I actually wanted to happen. Usually when I write my chapters I have a 4k long outline of it beforehand that I go off of. Not this one though. I really just winged it and I tried my best to write a chapter that really showed off (dialogue wise) just how this couple bounces off each other. I do really like some of the banter they have in this chapter.

You had taken note a little wooden popsicle stick poking up from the soil of the yellow flowers. Acacias, they were marked. Pulling your knees up to your chest, you considered his words.

Yellow acacias stands the value of true friendship and can indicate a secret love! I thought that was very appropriate given these dummies' relationship.

“So, you probably know why I brought you here.”

You nodded.

“You’re proposing, right?”

“Yeah, I– oh, shut up.” He laughed, the serious mood shattering as you joined him.

Even though I knew they were going to have a semi serious talk, what with Y/N asking about what Kiri had told her, these two dufuses realistically are just too comfortable with each other to stay serious for too long.

“Hey, I said that out of frustration, I didn’t really mean it. I’m sure she’ll come crawling back soon.” You attempted to comfort him, hoping to sound sincere.

“Even if that’s true, I’m not entirely sure I want that anymore.”

“What?” You blinked. Jungkook shrugged.

“What about us?” He met your eyes, causing your breath to hitch.

“What about us?”

Jungkook stared at you for a moment, noting the way the timber in your voice had become higher pitched as if panicked.

MORE FUN FACTS LMFAO: I typically do this thing with unplanned chapters where I just go for it and write and usually it works out. But when I wrote this down I remember stopping and being like ??? WHY DID I JUST WRITE THAT ??? I don’t like deleting my writing so I had a serious think to myself about whether this was going to be the moment Jungkook confessed or not.

Canonly, I decided that Jungkook did in fact mean ‘us’ in a romantic sense, but because of the way you perceivably panicked at that possible meaning, he decided against taking the conversation in that direction, instead speaking about ‘us’ in a platonic sense. Poor kookie :(

“Stop. Listen to me, Jungkook, you’re a fucking great guy, okay? You’re charismatic and funny and care about your friends… sure, you almost ruined my event, but it was mostly to defend my best friend when Eunwoo got too pushy, right? You’re a good guy, meathead. I know I joke about your ego, but I really believe you’re capable of more than you think you are. Seriously, Kiri is so lucky to be the object of your affection.”

Jungkook watched the way the sun’s orange light kissed your face, a bittersweet feeling growing in his chest as he contemplated the object of his affection. Just a couple of months ago, he would have had no doubt about who held his heart, but as you held his stare, he found himself unsure and yet, entirely sure all the same.

“Jungkook? You okay?” You frowned, catching in the sadness in his eyes.

“Hm? Yeah, yeah. I just… realized something.”

“Oh? What’s that?”

“…It doesn’t matter.” He smiled, the gesture hardly reaching his eyes.

It’s in this moment that Jungkook decides that there is no way you hold the same affection towards him that he does to you. He mistakes your words of comfort as you pushing him away. You are so kind and encouraging and Jungkook loves you so much that hearing you insist about him ending back up with Kiri hurts him so bad.

But you are still unsure about your feelings and genuinely believe that's still what Jungkook wants. You’re just being a supportive friend!! :( It isn’t until the end of this chapter when Y/N has her talk with Yara that she realizes, oh man, she’s in deep.

CHAPTER EIGHT – THE MISTAKE

BLAH. This chapter is so BLAH, you know? Having to write this chapter was SO HARD. I texted irl Yara complaining about how much I hated having to put my characters through this and that I wanted to just end the story on chapter 7 and keep them happy forever. BUT ALAS! I had planned for this to happen from the start.

You tasted like the mint of your favorite brand of toothpaste. He imagined if he had caught you any later then the mint would have been accompanied by the taste of coffee, knowing the way you rarely started a day without a cup.

God, he had missed the taste of you.

What you guys didn’t see is Jungkook spending the night with Kiri, and immediately kicking her out, freaking out as the weight of guilt washed over him. He knew he had done nothing wrong, that you weren’t his real girlfriend, and that getting back together with Kiri was exactly what he had signed up for. It was what he should’ve wanted. But it wasn't… because you were what he wanted. And that was exactly what he was going to tell you as he marched over to your apartment.

But he panicked. His mind already decided that your answer to him would be no– that you didn’t feel the same. So he kissed you. He had you in the only way he was allowed to. He was selfish and impulsive and so incredibly scared that he ended up hurting the person he loved the most.

Initially though, I had Jungkook get back together with Kiri, not that he slept with her right before sleeping with Y/N. But I decided TEEHEE let me just make everything erupt into flames. However, I didn’t realize just how angry with Jungkook you guys would get. I remember thinking DAMMIT WAS THAT TOO SCANDALOUS?? I knew I was going to have to work hard for Jungkook to redeem himself to my readers.

“She wants to get back together.” Jungkook swallowed dryly, eyes wavering between yours as if to gauge your reaction.

“…Oh.”

You shook your head.

“I mean, wow! That’s… That’s great!” You smiled, something tearing apart inside you as the words left your lips.

“Y/N–”

“Seriously! This means it worked, right? This is exactly what you wanted to happen.” You enthused, turning your head so that he couldn’t see the way your eyes had welled up.

Jungkook’s heart was pounding in his ears, fighting the urge to wrap his arms around you.

“Yeah… yeah, no, you’re right. We did it.” He replied monotonously.

GOD THIS PART IS SO UNBELIEVABLY FRUSTRATING! JUST ADMIT YOU LOVE EACH OTHER YOU MORONS! This entire situation is so convoluted because there's so much information missing and not being expressed, I seriously want to ring my own neck rereading this bit.

“Are you mad?” He called out cautiously, a heavy feeling falling onto his chest.

“Why would I be mad?” You quipped back sharply, causing Jungkook to flinch. He shifted in his seat uncomfortably.

“I just thought… I mean we’ve been fooling around a lot lately, so I didn’t know if—”

“If what? I had feelings for you?” You scoffed. “Please, as if I’d ever fall for you.”

And there it was— everything Jungkook already knew but had been so afraid to hear. Of course, you didn’t feel for him what he felt for you. How could he have expected anything different?

IDIOTS!!! THEY'RE BOTH IDIOTS!!! I don't know how y'all put up with this for so long. Forgive me.

CHAPTER NINE – THE BREAK

Okay I actually love this chapter. And for many reasons. Let me break down the three scenes for you guys.

Scene one: Kiri confrontation

Kiri is definitely an opposing antagonist. She is constantly working against Y/N because of their interests directly conflicting. BUT. I would argue that the biggest antagonist to this story is the inner ones – Y/N and Jungkook's lack of ability to admit their feelings constantly holding them both back from their happy ending. That being said, a confrontation scene between Y/N and Kiri was MUCH needed. While I suppose I can understand why Kiri doesn't like Y/N, that doesn't change the fact that she has been disrespectful and catty. So miss Y/N had to put Miss Kiri in her place (•̀ᴗ•́)

Scene two: Yara and Tae at the library

Fanservice. That is all. LMFAOOO y'all reallllyyy wanted it to happen and who am I to deny my people what they want. It was really fun getting to explore my side characters and develop them through interactions outside the two main characters. IRL Yara also mentioned giving bitchin’ Yara and Tae their own chapter as a joke and I was like LOL BET. I fully was going to but then I got the idea for the next scene and was like ahh ok maybe not the whole chapter.

Scene three: Meeting with Erik

So. This was a SUPER last minute decision. Like, it wasn’t until I was writing this chapter that I planned on Erik making an appearance. I saw a tweet with someone saying their bitchin theories and they mentioned Erik appearing out of nowhere and I was like,,, HOLD ON!!!! That could be kind of spicy ≖‿≖ 

I knew for a fact JK was NOT going to be forgiven in this chapter; I needed a way to lay the situation out between the two dorks without trying to seem like I was trying to sway my audience in a way that didn't make sense to the story. Y/N was rightfully angry. But she wasn't only angry about the timing of the sex. She was angry that Jungkook went back to Kiri at all and there was no way she was going to admit that. So who better to lay it all out than calculated, unbiased third party Erik. He deserved some character development after all.

I also liked the idea that Y/N had, in theory, “romantic options.” Losing Jungkook didn’t mean the end of her life. Having my female lead stand on her own was very important to me.

CHAPTER TEN – THE END

RIGHT OF THE BAT I needed Jungkook to suffer. So that whole scene where he tries to interact with his old group only for his presence to make everything awkward MMMM yes, sweet revenge on my part.

You were surprised. His hair was no longer shaggy and long like you remembered it. Instead, it had been freshly cut, looking healthy and neatly styled for the first time since you met Jungkook.

THE WAY SO MANY PEOPLE COMMENTED ON THIS LINE “but Y/N liked it long?!?”  IS SO FUNNNYyyyy. So let me clarify a thing. Jungkook had always wanted to cut his hair right. The only reason he didn’t was because Y/N told him not to. With Y/N no longer in the picture to convince him out of it, he cut his hair. That’s really all there is to it skfjsjf.

You know, I had written this part around the time I had just finished up the third ch believe it or not. And it was COMPLETELY different. I had it planned that Yara and Y/N ignored him throughout class and Yara had gone back after the bell rang to go verbally assault JK. And as the two hashed it out, only then was that when Jungkook would realize that he liked Y/N after Yara literally spelled it out for him.

“You like her, dumbass!” Was what I had written Yara saying. I really had written him in denial for ten chapters, I was a whole sociopath (╥﹏╥). But ultimately, I decided that Jungkook came to that conclusion on his own and the decision to apologize to Y/N would have been made over winter break.

“You said Kiri came over asking for you back, yet you still came over and slept with me the next day. Even though the two of you had sex the night before. Do you understand how that makes me feel?”

“I’m—”

“Like garbage!" You emphasized, the white paint of the door somehow irritating you further. "I felt like I was something you threw away and picked back up whenever you felt like getting your dick wet.”

Your chest was rising and falling rapidly, and you tried your hardest to not let your emotions get the best of you.

“Not to mention to everyone else, it looks like you cheated on me. Which makes me look like a fucking idiot." You scoffed.

Jungkook said nothing in reply, which somehow made it easier to say all you should have said that day in your room.

“It just sucks to realize that someone you once cared about sees you as nothing more than a toy. It fucking sucks.”

Man :( writing this hurt my heart. I really, really, love bitchin!y/n and writing her hurting freaking stinks. But she had to speak her mind. She deserves the chance to get everything off her chest with the way Jungkook hurt her.

Your heart and mind were in constant paradox, torn between wanting him back and wanting him to know just how much he had hurt you. Your mind ultimately won the battle, of course, but as Jungkook stood just a few inches of drywood apart pouring his heart out, it was hard to say which major organ was responsible for your next words.

The creak of the door being pushed open sent Jungkook's eyes wide, revealing your hesitant form. You had your arms crossed over your chest as if to guard the contents inside of it.

You looked like an angel underneath the bathroom's blue fluorescent lights, beautiful and lovely, a stark contrast from your next crushing sentence.

“I slept with Erik.”

Hehe. Ofc my girl Y/N had to have a rebound!!! She knows that life goes on. However, as I wrote in, she definitely regretted it. It was kind of the same situation that Jungkook was in where he pursued something just because it was familiar and a distraction and not because he really wanted it. Both Y/N and Jungkook are flawed characters but that’s okay! If anything, Y/N’s mistake of sleeping with Erik is what allows her to forgive Jungkook. Knowing first hand how complicated their entire relationship really was.

“I don’t need you… but I don’t think I want a life without you.” You finished shyly.

Your eyes were locked with his when suddenly a small noise escaped him, eyes pulling away from yours as his head moved to attempt to hide the way his eyes had grown wet.

I got this line from one of my best friends after her ex broke up with her. It made me physically sad and really sympathize with her so I quickly wrote it down into my notes app to save for later LMAOOOO. Knowing that you are your own person and life will inevitably go on after losing someone, but that your heart still wants and is pleading for the one person you can’t have. SO SAD. I’m happy I got to use this line in one of my fics.

The note Jungkook wrote Y/N,,, imagine him not being able to sleep one night over winter break so he just writes down everything he should have told Y/N while he still had the chance…. I’ll for real cry dude, he’s so cute. Also, the line about him buying you fluffy Halloween socks for Christmas went over people’s heads I think but HECK I THOUGHT THAT WAS SO FUNNY AND SWEET (because Y/N bought Christmas socks when it was Halloween teehee).

"Are you two dorks done crying?" Yara’s voice rang out suddenly, causing both of you to jump apart.

"Yara, you creep! Privacy, dude! Ever try knocking?" You sniffed, wiping at your face hurriedly.

"What? Like you were peeing with Jungkook in the bathroom? Please." She waved you off, walking back into the living room to give you two some privacy. She did say Jungkook had 15 minutes before she’d have to come back in after all. "Anyway, Tae will be over in 10 minutes for the Saved By The Bell marathon that’s on so you guys are more than welcomed to join." She called out from her newly seated position on the couch.

I included this scene with Yara because things were getting too serious for my liking ngl. Plus the idea that the four of them would all come together at the end for a much needed reunion made my happy bitchin heart soar.

Jungkook let out a laugh, his palm finding your cheek, eyes locked on your lips. You were preening for his kiss, mouth parting slightly as you anticipated it.

“Partners?”

The question took you by surprise, eyes widening at your not so pretend lover.

Idiot.

“Partners.” You smiled softly, eyes shiny and brimming with tears as he kissed you for what must have been the millionth time, but still somehow felt like the first.

UGH I LOVE THEM I REALLY DO. I was so happy with how this final scene came out :( They’re partners, they really are I miss these boneheads.

AND NOW, I PRESENT THE CANON FUTURE OF THE BITCHIN UNIVERSE...

10 YEARS LATER

Let’s be honest, Jungkook popped the question the day of graduation, he can’t imagine a life in which you wouldn’t be beside him

You said yes (shocker)

Cue Jungkook being the most wonderful partner and respecting your wish to finish your residency program before having the wedding

You absolutely kick ass at being a neonatal surgeon

Also, Jungkook started a film company! It’s small but he loves what he does and works with colleges and helps out the film majors with resources and equipment <3

SO IT'S THE DAY OF YOUR WEDDING RIGHT

Yara and your sisters are helping you get ready, with your best friend as the ever so reassuring maid of honor

And by that I mean you’re as calm as a cucumber and Yara is one wrong move away from having a stroke

“Y/N… Don’t freak out....The catering company put in two orders of shrimp instead of chicken and steak.”

“Yara, it’s okay.”

“NO ITS NOT???? THIS IS YOUR WEDDING DAY AND YOU’RE GETTING CRUSTACEANS.”

Y/N making Yara take a seat and practice some breathing exercises so she doesn’t upset the baby

Oh yeah, Yara is 10 weeks pregnant

Taehyung is the dad lol

Yara and Taehyung have been together ever since that day at the library hehe <3

They moved in together and adopted a cat and everything (sweet boy Tae wanted a dog but Yara’s afraid of dogs and Tae would do anything for that woman so Yeontan the cat it is)

Yara refuses to put a label on their relationship even after all this time, and Tae doesn’t ask for one. They’re happy and dedicated to each other and don’t feel the need to put pressure on something that’s already so perfect

Yara is actually violently in love with Tae but still scoffs when Y/N tries to bring it up

“Oh my god, you’re so in love with him”

“Huh??? you must be sick or something. Get well soon, damn :/”

Yara likes to come up with different labels for Taehyung every time she has to introduce him. Among her favorites are roommate, rent sharer, baby daddy and penis lender

Speaking of Taehyung, he’d have a hand on Jungkook’s shoulder as he tries to calm down the panicking groom to be

“JK, breathe.”

“What if she doesn’t show up? What if she doesn’t want to marry me? What if I pressured her into this and— and I’ve freaked her out and now she hates me?”

“Dude, you guys have been engaged for eight years. She’s had her opportunity to run. She’ll show up.”

Taehyung scruffing up the younger man’s hair reassuringly, which only flusters him more because DAMMIT he wants to look perfect for you and now his hair is messed up >:(

(You like him no matter what his hair looks like though)

Jungkook literally swallowing down a sob as you walk down the aisle and he lays his eyes on you for the first time

You having a dumb smile on your face the entire walk over because your husband to be is crying and you haven’t even exchanged vows yet

The entire audience going all sobby when you finally do exchange vows because they’re so beautiful and real

The ten years together has not been easy— from financial struggles as you tried to support yourself through med school, to personal conflicts when Jungkook wanted to start a family already

But you guys figured it out

You always do

He’s your person. And you are his.

Y/N’s sisters Rosa and Lia are a WRECK— even your dad is tearing up

Your family loves Jungkook and have been counting down the days until you guys married, let’s be honest

“You may now kiss the bride.”

Jungkook punching the air with a “FINALLY!” before kissing the hell out of you

The cutting of the cake inevitably turning into a food fight

The shrimp entrees turning out to be pretty damn good

Yara catching the bouquet and wagging her brows at Taehyung suggestively

Jungkook pulling you aside to take photos of you outside the venue because you look so so pretty and he loves the way you smile when he’s the one behind the camera

The party is in full session, your siblings tearing up the dance floor like the extroverts they are

You and Jungkook are sat at the head of the room, hands intertwined underneath the table as you watch a tired and painfully sober Yara swing her bare feet onto Taehyung’s lap, requesting a foot rub

Watching your pregnant best friend and her lover together, you turned towards your own, smile impossibly wide

“What?”

“Let’s have a baby.” You’d grin, so stupid happy

Jungkook’s eyes going round and immediately jumping up from his seat because god that’s all he’s ever wanted

Being tugged out the room by a giddy Jungkook, one of your heels flinging off somewhere behind you.

“What’s happening? Where are we going?!”

The two of you find yourself in a storage room somewhere on the hotel floor

“Jeon Jungkook, what the hell—“

His mouth find yourself, kissing you in a way that couldn’t at the altar

You kissed him back without questions, arms wrapping around the man you now called your husband

“I love you.” He’d sigh into your neck, his hot breath causing you to shiver

“I love you too.”

“Let’s make a baby.”

“Yeah let’s— wait, right here? Right now?!”

Jungkook merely nodding as his mouth found the exposed skin of your chest

“Meathead, we can’t just ditch our wedding to have sex!”

“Why not? We did our marital duties. Now it’s our guests' job to get embarrassingly drunk and make a fool of themselves on the dance floor. No one will even miss us.”

“Isn’t baby making what our honeymoon is for?”

“Screw that. I’ve done my waiting. Let’s start our family, nerd.”

Jungkook kissing your protests silent before you inevitably give in and let him take you right there and then, your wedding dress hung around your hips

Husband and wife coming together with shaky breaths and hushed moans as they promise the rest of their lives to each other, making every argument, struggle or moment of uncertainty leading up to now totally worth it

Walk of shame back into the party with nervous hair fixing from you and a proud grin from Jungkook

Yara figuring out exactly why you two had sneaked off to, flashing the newly weds a knowing smirk

The night of your wedding, Jungkook surprises you with a present

You unwrap it in confusion, only to see that it’s a glass frame and inside of it is the wrinkled and worn out lined paper the two of you had scribbled on many many years ago

Jungkook hangs up the contract right above your bed as per your request, smiling as he does and jumping on him the moment he puts down the hammer bc dammit it you’re too heckin excited to make love with your sentimental loser of a husband

And yes, by the next month, you are pregnant and incredibly happy

And of course, your daughter and Yara’s son grow up to be best friends, not a family holiday passing by where they aren’t told the story of the totally bitchin’ way both set of their parents got together

[kotsume]

my observations as a content creator :) warning: it’s long

if you’re reading this, don’t think too deeply about what i wrote - it’s just my analysis of fan blogs and some fandoms (so it’s all from my perspective). do what you want with this information, and feel free to lmk what you think ;) 

*i tried to include as many anime-applicable blogs as i could remember*

multifandom reblog blogs (ones who track a tag):

@/allanimanga: lots of original content every day. does not reblog from tag anymore bc most members who had that job are inactive. i’m an admin and i’ve been told not to worry about reblogging from the tag, and just make content. has member privilege abuse from certain users; normally you make content for the blog and you get to reblog your stuff over in a 1:1 ratio, but they will just use the blog to promote themselves without contributing. it’s really sad but there’s nothing we can do bc most of the time it’s an admin.

@/animacia: was debating whether or not to put this one. reblogs mainstream anime (sailor moon, studio ghibli) and has a tag, but the tag itself does not seem to be actively used as the most recent post can see tagged for this blog dates back to june 2019 (more than a year ago). it’s an active blog regardless of slow tag activity. 

@/animationsource: active, but very picky? idk man they either do or don’t reblog your stuff. it’s a hit or miss with them. seems to have member privilege abuse/preference (explained up there). not too sure if they have a queue or just reblog sporadically.

@/anisource: active. seems to run on a large, backlogged queue bc their tag is full of stuff that has yet to be reblogged. edits will probably take a while to be reblogged, but they’ll eventually get there! 

@/dailyanime: new blog, but from what i’ve experienced, they will queue it, and your post will be reblogged in 1-3 days (it probably depends on how much is in their queue).

@/fyanimegifs: will reblog your stuff, but they have a very slow queue.

@/graphicsources: not really active; spontaneous at best. don’t count on them to reblog your stuff. 

@/fyeahshoujo: not really active, but not completely inactive.

@/fysportsanime & @/sportsanimedaily: active. seems to have a backlogged queue, but just wait and you’ll be reblogged! it will take some time because there are lots of posts.

@/animangascenery & @/otomokatsuhiro (#oldanimeedit - changes url from time to time? that’s why i included the tag they track): inactive unless a member looks at the tag. in that case, they will most likely reblog the tagged post. typically mass reblogs/queues from the tag every once in a while. 

@/bbelcher & @/fyeahmovies: will reblog ghibli and makoto shinkai stuff. bonus points if you have added a text description to gifs. 80% dependable.

@/filmgifs, @/filmtv, @/stream, @/movie-gifs, etc. (basically big reblog fansites that aren’t anime-oriented, but do reblog mainstream anime movies): 90% chance they will not reblog anything from you if there is no text description. add text descriptions to studio ghibli/makoto shinkai film gifs and make it pretty! use text gradients!! that will increase your chances of being reblogged by them. they don’t reblog seasonal anime.

a note: many creators use tags as a way of reaching a broader audience. it's really helpful for smaller blogs who would like to share their content to others, but do not have the means/numbers to do so. just bc some people don't utilize tags to their full potential, it doesn't mean it isn't useful, so pls don’t try to act superior to those who want more exposure. everyone deserves a chance at getting the attention they deserve for their hard work!

studio ghibli reblog blogs:

@/ghiblisdaily: great. amazing. i love them!! will reblog from you 99.9% of the time. probably the most reliable ghibli blog as of right now. uploads original content

@/fyghibli: used to be good at reblogging from tag, but has gone kind of inactive. i think they’re becoming more active again, but it’s very sporadic.

@/kikisdeliveryservices: they track a variety of studio ghibli related tags, and they do reblog a lot, but i don’t think they’re as consistent as ghiblisdaily. lots of original content.  

@/oh-totoro: not really active, but when they are (and they reblog from you), your activity skyrockets.

@/dailyghibli: not active.

@/daily-ghibli: sometimes active, a little wishy-washy. they seem to be reblogging a little bit more consistently now?

@/princessghibli: not active, but reblogs here and there.

@/ghibligif: a new blog, but decently active. will reblog post from their tracked tag within a day. lots of original content.  

main point: there are many studio ghibli blogs (wayyyy more than i’ve listed here), but only around 3-4 active ones. choose your tags with what you think will give you the best exposure bc if you have too much, tumblr will go “fuck you” and not show your post at all :)

random anime fandoms:

i’ll really only be including ones i’m in, or know a bit about.

haikyuu, bnha, kny, yoi: healthy and very active. content for these fandoms do well even if they’re not in season. has multiple active fan blogs (except for yoi tho - they’re all inactive for the most part).

noragami, ohshc, ons, snk, tg, swnku: active fandoms. edits will do moderately well bc most people have seen these. 

popular sports anime (knb, free, dna, tsurune? idk i don’t watch much sports anime): they do okay. i rarely see any new sports anime edits beside haikyuu, but people do love their sports anime. has active sports fan blogs.

pokemon & sailor moon: old but gold. lots of people love these anime bc it’s part of their childhood. still very popular amongst tumblr users.

violet evergarden: does moderately well. @/fyeahvioletevergarden will reblog your stuff if you choose to tag them (big boost)! with the new movie coming up soon, there may be a resurgence in activity, but the most recent movie did not have much content made for it, so that hope may be crushed.

tpn: not very active, but with the new season coming up soon, there will be a resurgence in activity.

ditf: kind of dead, but lots of people love zero two. edits do moderately well.

sao: dead. absolutely dead. i thought there would be some activity bc it’s in season right now, but no, it’s a dead fandom. low key sao sucks tho. idek where the plot is going; i’m just hoping for an end.

hxh, one piece, fma, code geass: i’m not in it, but i think they do okay bc they have a large following, just not as well as haikyuu or bnha (but they’re still very popular). it depends on your blog demographic tho.

mp100, opm, bsd, given: kind of medium-tier fandoms. not as prevalent as haikyuu or bnha, but there are still edits being made for these anime. they don’t really have any active fan blogs (besides given i think) bc none of them are airing rn.

makoto shinkai & studio ghibli films: they do great! everybody loves good scenery, and the films are very well known and loved by all!

some seasonal anime (spring/summer 2020)

fruits basket: well this reboot blew up and overshadowed everything in it’s path. tbh only edits posted on the first day of the new episode do well. it’s a very competitive fandom for creators. 

kaguya sama love is war: first season was good, edits did well. second season drifted off into the shadow of fruits basket. relatively obscure fandom for how popular it is amongst people (non-creators). 

tower of god: popular with creators. now that it’s not airing, no one gifs it. respective fan blog is doing its best with content from the manhwa.

fugou keiji balance unlimited: people were simping even before the first ep came out, and then the anime went on hiatus for a few months. now that it’s started to air again, everyone acts like it never existed in the first place... was a good fandom up until the hiatus and now it will probably take a while to recover.

god of high school: nonexistent even tho it’s a popular pick this season (summer 2020). in the shadow of fruits basket.

deca-dence, bna, great pretender, kakushigoto, the misfit at demon king academy, rent-a-girlfriend: *sigh* didn’t see much of it on my dash. lesser-watched seasonal anime in comparison to fruits basket and tower of god (all relative to tumblr). there are gifs being made, but you have to follow the right blogs.

main point: if there’s any seasonal anime paired up against fruits basket at the same time, fruits basket will win and the former will be left in the dust.

[pinevalley]

OKAY SO i am starting school on monday (totally virtually ahhh), and i feel like i need to post an update on what that means for this blog. first, i’m going to be prioritizing studying and keeping up on college stuff, so replies will come slower in general. i’ll probably be most active on weekends. however, roleplaying is a huge stress relief thing for me and i adore writing, so i’ll definitely still be active.

but my inspiration for several muses on this blog has been faltering recently. this doesn’t mean i don’t want to write those characters!! it just means i have a harder time getting their voices down and coming up with ideas for them; and i don’t like forcing stuff — i prefer putting my full effort into writing replies and headcanons bc i want them to turn out good! (or... turn out well?? grammar is confusing agdgh)

during the school year, i’ll mostly have the energy to focus on writing the muses i do have inspiration for. currently, this is what that will look like:

high activity: cassie, twitch, jamie

medium activity: archipelago, grace, beth

low activity: abigail, brahm, felicity

note: this doesn’t include muses i haven’t written yet (gulliver and elm). for now, just for simplicity, i’d rather not start new threads with those muses.

what does this mean?

i am keeping all threads with muses on high activity (bc of consistent inspiration). but, as always, you are still welcome to drop a thread if your own inspiration for it fades. i don’t mind! and, if messaging me about dropping a thread causes you stress, you don’t have to let me know beforehand — just do whatever makes you most comfortable! it’s totally okay <3

replies will come much slower for muses on medium activity. if you’re okay dropping a thread with a muse on medium activity, please let me know. otherwise, i will assume we are keeping the thread (but again, it may take me a long while to respond. i’m sorry!)

bc i don’t want to make people wait a super long time for replies, i am dropping all threads with low activity muses unless you let me know you’d rather keep them. if you are invested in a thread and would rather keep it, that is totally okay, but it may be a while until my inspiration returns for them (so it will take me a long time to respond. i’m sorry!!!!)

in terms of starting new threads and askbox things: if i have recently liked a starter call, i am still totally okay with starting that thread (please tag me so i don’t miss it)! i won’t be liking any other starter calls for now. you are still welcome to send in-character askbox messages if your muse wants to chat, but only for high activity muses, and reply length won’t be super long. i’d rather not start longer threads (more formal ones) for now. it may also take me longer to respond to new stuff. i will respond faster to all threads starting in winter break (mid-december).

also, as a little note, feel free to continue sending me messages (to clarify plot stuff, to ramble about our muses, to ramble about your muse bc you feel like sharing headcanons or anything — i love listening!!). i enjoy chatting with you!! you can also still send or tag me in stuff that reminds you of our muses!!

i’m so sorry for any inconvenience this may cause!! i really appreciate your patience with me, and i hope your year goes as smoothly as possible given all the stuff going on. if anything, i hope you get the rest you very much deserve, and i hope something makes you smile today. you’re all really wonderful! <3

[lcmontagne]

(CHARLIE GILLESPIE, MALE) - Have you seen JAMESON LAMONTAGNE? JAMIE is in JUNIOR YEAR year. The HEALTH & PHYS ED MAJOR is/are 21 years old & is a CAPRICORN. People say HE is/are CHARMING, OUTGOING, DIMWITTED and GULLIBLE. Rumors say they’re a member of KINCAID. I heard from the gossip blog that THEY WERE BLACKMAILED INTO RELATIONS BY THE COACH’S DAUGHTER TO KEEP HIS SPOT ON THE BASEBALL TEAM. 

this is my newest (old) baby, Jamie! a summary is Himbo Rights, basically.

STATISTICS

name : Jameson Elias LaMontagne

nicknames: Jamie, JJ, James

age : twenty-one

school year : Junior

major : phys ed & health education

date of birth : dec 25th

zodiac sign : capricorn

sexuality : pansexual

+ traits : charming, outgoing, kind,

- traits : gullible, , dimwitted, stubborn

PERSONALITY:

he’s a straight up himbo, but a himbo with a heart of gold. Funny dude, loves to joke around and make those around him laugh. Will beat up frat guys who try to take home wasted girls, will also pass out at the same party huggin a pillow he found in an upstairs bedroom. 

loves hobbies, especially cooking!! his dad owns a family restaurant down near bourbon street, so he’s picked up on quite a few family recipes. A stress cooker, loves 2 feed people.

thinks being in kincaid is chill as hell, it means fun parties and plenty of people to meet. Doesnt really buy into societies?? like he doesnt get why some are so prestigious, assumes theyre all the same. 100% accepted the invite because his buddy was invited too and he didn’t wanna miss him.

He knows damn well he’s not the brightest, doesn’t pretend to be. But he loves when people are passionate about things they love, even if its academics. Talk his ear off for an hour about shakespeare or russian lit, he won’t complain. He’ll smile and follow along, even if half goes above his head.

he feels everything, whether its extreme highs or extreme lows. He doesnt let many people see the lows, still hasn’t brought himself to ask for help about it. His dad just said he’s got a big heart, too big for the fucked up world they live in. Jamie doesn’t like to think about more than that.

can be a but of a dick on the defense if you openly imply he’s a moron though, it’s a sore spot at such a high stakes school

a little ?? about the death and drama. Does now carry pepper spray that he’s almost certain is expired.

DETAILS

tw: mentions of injury, car accidents

He is very pretty, & very nice. That’s about all we got goin’.

Born the only child of Kelly & Daniel LaMontagne, result of a drunken hookup between friends & cause of a shotgun wedding to follow. Born on christmas day at 2am, his mom called him the best gift they’d ever gotten. (his dad joked about losing the gift receipt. its a thing)

They were married until he was 4, & then decided they truly just made better friends. amicable divorce, no lingering trauma. 

Dad moved back to New Orleans, mom moved up to Rhode Island, he spent his time growing up bouncing between the two, but spent a lot of the time including the school year in New Orleans, due to his mom being a surgeon and his dad being able to devote more time and waking hours to their son.

repeated kindergarten, got diagnosed with ADD pretty young.

his dad thought he needed an outlet for his energy, so after school clubs and sports became the Thing. Soccer, karate, gymnastics, he tried it all, but nothing ever stuck before baseball.

The boy fell in love, ate slept and breathed it. Was actually really damn good too, and played all through middle and high school in hopes of playing major league. 

His junior year of high school he and his best friend were driving home from a late practice when a driver fell asleep at the wheel, and veered head on into their lane. Jamie woke up with a broken collarbone and a concussion. Tyler woke up paralyzed from the waist down. He was out for the rest of the season, and the guilt he has about Tyler he still carries with him to this day. ( they face time still, though less these days. He thinks it hurts ty, to see him here.)

Senior year he was back, but behind. & slowly lost any chance at getting majorly scouted for D1 colleges. So he did his best, even if it wasn’t ever quite enough.

Yates was solely due to a very large donation made by his mother to the medical program at school, hoping her son would take being on campus as a chance to branch out, explore other programs and passions.

Joke is on her, he enrolled as a goddamn phys ed major and spends most of his non class times on the field or gym. He’s determined to make it count, and do what he feels he was Born To Do. 

His grades majorly tanked the end of last semester, and he fell just under the GPA he needed to remain on the team. Desperate to remain, he gave in to the offer of going on a date with the coach’s daughter in exchange for her talking to her dad about remaining on the team.

Joke’s on him now, because she definitely expected more than just dinner, and every few months she dangles his fate in her hands and he’s forced to give in all over again. Not proud of it, but he’s resigned and accepted that fate.

loves people!! & activities and life most of the time. A sweet dude who gives solid hugs. & that’s where i’ll leave this.

his WANTED CONNECTIONS can be found clicking anywhere here! pls holla @ me or let me @ u bc he needs it all.

[artnerd1123]

it’s about that time again, ain’t it? 

i started seeing these pop up on my dash, so i figured i’d do another one for this year. lots of fun stuff happenin, eh? i definitely had fun playing with lighting X3 also, may had wayyy too many good ones to pick from. might wanna go check out my art blog, if ur curious abt what that month looked like lskdfjsl this year was super super good for my art!!! im v v happy to see how far i’ve come ;w;

gonna stick some end-of-year rambling undercut, bc i wanna talk n don’t wanna clog up dashes. hope y’all have a happy new year! im so proud of y’all for sticking it through!!!

so... i’m not gonna lie, this year has been a ride. there’s been really high highs, and crushingly low lows. my mental health was on the fritz pretty much the entire year. a lot’s happened. and i’ve definitely seen plenty of growth. 

my year at a glance was full of activity. I went into my last semester of high school, which was both stressful (see: ap exams, college setup, and my own mental health/personal issues) and a load of fun (see: senior prom, choir events, and having a blast with my friends). in the summer, i started my first job at an amusement park. it was going well, and even though the end of the year was crazy, i was feeling good. and then i ended up losing someone close to me while i was on a vacation. while the scenery was beautiful, my mental state was... not so great. and it continued to rock and roll like waves on the ocean in the months following. grief isn’t easy to handle. but i was trying. though it was physically painful some days, college was right around the corner. gotta keep your head in the game. even if your head is also full of horrible depression and anxiety. fun stuff, ammirite?  speaking of college, i started and finished my first semester! it was a whirlwind of getting used to college life, figuring out how campus worked, and settling in. classes got me to focus on other things, and building in a routine kept me from slipping too far on my bad days. i also made some new friends. and even found someone who’s more than a friend. i’m eternally grateful for her and all that we’ve been through. even if it hasn’t been super super long, in the grand scheme of things. taking the bad times at college into account, it’s still been absolutely wonderful.  and winter break? eh. it’s been super super chill. i’ve done nothing for like, 2 weeks, and it’s been absolutely wonderful. 

all this aside... college gave me a ton of time to reflect and work on myself. it might’ve only been 3-4 months of time, but it was vital. i grew a lot. learned about myself. figured out that sometimes, people do things you’re not gonna understand. and that’s okay. you just gotta focus on yourself, what you can do, and how you can grow. you gotta figure out how to become a better person with what life gives you. be gentle. be kind. and don’t get bitter at everything. just cultivate what makes you happy. try and trust the ones you hold dear. most importantly, reach out when you need help. please. it does so much more than you think. 

just... take a breath, guys. you’re gonna be ok. you just gotta be present as much as you can, so you don’t miss the nice things that are coming. 

gotta say, 2019... there are parts of you i’m really gonna miss. and there are parts of you that i’m glad are buried in the past. but all in all? i’m glad to have made it through. 

i’m gonna try and make the next year a good one 🖤

[gotatext]

by this point im p sure u all know the drill.... i’m nora, 23, she/her, gmt and tonight matthew im going to be greta o’driscoll, a terrible person but a hot one which frankly makes it almost ok. here is her pinterest..... this intro is literally just copied n pasted frm the last time i played her so soz if u’ve read it like 10+ times.... 

「 diana silvers. cis-female. 」have you seen greta o’driscoll around yet? i hear she decided to be in POTENTAS for their SOPHOMORE year as a CRIMINAL PSYCHOLOGY major. the 20 year old SHEPHERD is known to be tenacious, magnetic, capricious and evasive. ➨ the muse is written by nora, she/her, gmt.

was adopted as an infant. had two foster moms and two older sisters so always surrounded by women. lived in a boarding house, very much like the one in 20th century women, with lodgers coming in and out all the time, mostly artsy young women because her gay moms were both high school teachers trying to set up their own arts collective. one of her moms left when she was 4, n she doesn’t really remember her.

while living with entirely women made her super into catlin moran and the guilty feminist, as a teenager she often let boys walk all over her bc she just craved male attention jst bcos she’d never really experienced it. saw it as something aspirational, like sitting in the back of chad’s second-hand truck while he drove you to macdonalds and offered you and his five friends with identical haircuts weed was the height of being cool to greta, she wanted to be their dream girl, even if it meant compromising her beliefs

was always a really sporty bitch. it started with a junior athletics squad, which turned into athletics and cheer, which then became athletics, cheer and hockey until she basically was doing a different activity every night. she came to see her body as a tool that she could make work for her if she trained it up and this attitude’s always kind of stayed with her that as long as her body is strong she is capable of anything. runs every day. 

bubbly bitch but also massive snake. metaphorically and literally, always shedding her skin. loyal to few, ruled by none, out for herself, babey!! every place she goes, she becomes a new character, someone who’s a figment of her imagination, as if each city is repertory theatre and she’s a character actress, so as a result som ppl think she’s called rita, some ppl know her as margot, she just flicks through identities like nobodies business.

left school at 18 n went backpacking around the states making money in the casinos by being a shot girl (yeehaw) and trying to make it as a mysterious 1920s widow with a smoky voice, a dark secret n a heart of gold, looking for love in the big city. all she found was producers and acting agents who’d promise her stardom n actually just fuck her in a motel n then ignore her calls.

TW domestic violence, TW gun, her watershed moment came when she met luke in sioux falls while she was working at a strip club. he was a few years older and had a car, and they kind of went from seeing each other to being that super intense couple who are just necking all the time.

they got engaged like 3 months after they met n rented a flat together, much to her family’s annoyance but she was 19 so there wasn’t much they could do. their relationship was super super intense though, often really heightened and when they fought it could become quite violent, but she’d pass it off as just him being really passionate.

one of their fights got really heated and greta threatened him with the gun he kept in the glove box of his vauxhall corsa, but the safety was off and she accidentally shot him. she pleaded self defence in the trial n cos of the amount of times she’d been hospitalised for various concussions n things like ‘fallling down the stairs’ the police were like yea… pretty watertight evidence that he was a bastard who [chicago voice] had it coming….. 

she’s now under witness protection, rehoused in livingstone as a sports-scholarship student, due to the amount of police involvement in the area, it would mean should one of luke’s family members try to track her down, she’d be relatively safe

massive sports fanatic. plays tennis. on the cheer team. was a track superstar in her high school. honestly just that sporty bitch, you’ll see her doing lines at a party at half four and then on your way to your 9am lecture you see her running across the park like a fresh fucking daisy who is this bitch. maybe it’s maybelline, maybe its coke.

massive feminist. low key quite scared of powerful men bcos of her ex. wants to start a female only lesbian commune bc she misses her childhood in a south dakota boarding house and has endless support for women. honestly annoyed that she is attracted to men, would so be 100% gay if it was a choice. cuffs her jeans and can’t drive. is That bisexual. skateboards. wears backwards caps.  i hate her 

isn’t a foward-planner, however. greta prefers to leave her options open, play the field, live in a spontaneous manners so her study style is mostly cramming a few days before a test, or staying up all night writing an essay on a massive adrenline boost powered by red bull or probably adderall, scribbling (or typing) furiously into the night.

has an addictive personality. seems unable to do anything in a small dose, she has to let it utterly consume her. with sports, she’s fiercely competitive. with alcohol, it’s never a shot, it’s a whole bottle – wine or whiskey – she’ll be table dancing before the night’s up and making out with someone she’ll regret in the morning. 

not afraid to go after what she wants !! ambitious academically and romantically thirsty !! she loves the adrenaline of the chase. when someone’s easy to get, she becomes bored. very bisexual and very proud of it. feminist as fuck nd part of a queer representation in the arts group which holds fortnightly meetings to discuss lgbt representation in film, literature, art etc.

old soul in a young person’s body. all the shit that has gone on has kind of aged her. she’s quite cynical about everything now. always smoking smoking smoking. very edie sedgwick in that way.  little girls skirts bought for next-to-nothing at the market because she’s skinny enough to get away with it, barely long enough to cover your bum, and then the ugliest baggy sweater you’ve ever seen thrown over it.

likes old things. old books, old music, old houses, it reminds her of happier times like when she wasn’t alive. buys all her music on vinyl and has a gramphone because “The Sound quality is Better” kfdsjj.

super into pop art and andy warhol. puts female friendships above everything but at the same time, would fuck her best friends man

her clothing style is like…. vintage thrift store but make it preppy. berets and cute hats, neck scarves, large fluffy cardigans or like those leathery jackets with big suede fringes on them, mini skirts (very 70s), and knee high socks or boots. quite often she’ll be in sports kit, maybe a cute tennis skirt, n when she’s feeling casual she’ll wear like, a talking heads tshirt with a pair of mom jeans and converse, but otherwise, the library is her catwalk.

aesthetics:

a bubble of pink gum on chapped lips, mom jeans, a beaten up pair of adidas, denim jackets, strawberry laces, knee-highs, chapped lips, peeling sticky plasters, split knuckles, bruises you try to cover with concealer, stick and poke tattoos, hot coffee, sleep caught in your eyes on a lazy afternoon, kissing girls, cigarette smoke shrouding you like a veil, alien conspiracy theories and sci-fi paperbacks, doc martens with fraying laces, the red string of a thong peaking out purposely from jeans, leonine arch of your back and that stellar smile that says ‘you have no idea who you’re dealing with’, a rucksack permanently packed for the move, a streak of red across your lips, roller blades, cut knees, not eating your greens, smiling with a mouthful of blood, and piercing your own ears with a safety pin when your mom wouldn’t take you, kate moss posters lining the walls of a teenage bedroom, his name scrawled in rage across the pages of a diary, thumb holes poked through the cuffs of your sleeves, a tennis racket you punched through in a fit of temper, feet pounding the earth until your soles bleed crimson, sleeping in a cherry lip balm and scrunchies to keep the wild locks from your eyes.

wanted plots

frinds !! unlikely friends !! toxic friends !! former best friends separated by sports rivalries ! sporting friends who are on other teams but who she absolutely loves playin against!!! 

since greta literally can’t differentiate between romantic and platonic love, she’s got off with so many of her mates, so i want awkward friendships where they nearly dated, or exes that have now just turned into weird friendships

 girls from the cheer team who she’s like, weirdly intimate with like the shower together but its not a Thing cos the other girls straight !!! what do u mean !! aha just fun !

and I want like, fellow criminology students who are like?? how is this bitch still passing?? i swear she goes out every night?? 

she works part time at a fast food restaurant, i want a mate that just goes and sits in there talking to her until her manager gets angry. 

ppl she did a few modules with ie. art history, bio-med, film studies, before changing course and somehow sort of remaining in touch with

 ppl who she runs track with. 

someone she’s trying to make a zine with. 

here’s a list of plots on her old blog if u want any of them w her.

would love plots of any type, throw them all at me please, i cnt wait to interact w all of u. like this if u want me to message you about connections / plots! xo

full biography if u can be bothered

trigger warnings: drugs, domestic abuse, gun.

you never meant for it to happen. you’d heard the stories, of girls who let their man walk all over them, and thought to yourself “i’ll never be one of those girls…” the kind that eat low-fat yoghurt and drink slim fast to shred a few extra pounds because he said she was getting round in the tummy, or the ones who spent their evenings tied to a kitchen sink drinking wine while him and the boys played poker, wishing god, if only I could get out of here. not you, not you raised by strong women, four bright shining beacons. single mother with her hard-as-nails attitude and her stony glares, elder sisters (twins) one ginger, one blonde, one doctor, one lawyer, both determined to take a bullet to the brain and a hammer to the patriarchy before they let a man touch them without asking. you were always so inferior, so insecure and small, like a bird (like a sparrow) with blonde plaits down your back sucking tropicana whilst your busom buds sucked dick, their lips permanently ripe with stories of their sexual exploits, fake tan and glittered nails whilst you sat in the unbroken egg of virginity wondering what it was like to be loved. one day you found out.

lily milligan’s parents gone and a free house for the night, bottles of ouzo and tequila swiped from your mother’s liquor cabinet thinking she wouldn’t know (she always knew) your legs, hardened from pep squad, slut dropping on a kitchen table because the boys thought it would be fun to get the quiet girl drunk. you’d never had a sip before that night. band t-shirts, denim shorts and the split soles of rotten converse that you refuse to let go of, you still clutched with both hands to your youth, but in a tube top now (borrowed from alice carmichael who had a sister in college) and a short tennis skirt, your feet not in trainers but in thigh-high boots. uncomfy as hell but lily said you needed to look sexy. you didn’t know if you wanted to be sexy. you didn’t know what kind of girl you were, if you were even a girl at all. but robbie looked at you like he knew exactly who you were, like he knew you better than you knew yourself, and his lips had the pink cupid’s bow of a movie star, and his hair was dark locks, curling like a mane. his hands were soft, and suddenly on your waist, and after three more shots his lips were on yours and his name was the only sound in your head and on your lips as you lost it in lily’s college sister’s bedroom beneath the glare of a T-Pain poster. you bled for what seemed like hours, his hand still in yours, kissing on the sofa as truth tellers and dare devils continued to spin a bottle of unprecedented youth. you thought it was love. robbie was the one. he loved you, you knew it, how else could someone be so soft? but soon he grew bored, scrunched up your paper heart and set it alight. then came the tears, the hatred, the ‘fuck robbie, in fact, fuck all boys.’ and that you did.

you were known for being easy. any boy could be yours for a night, as long as he promised to love you for those few short breaths and pants before you cried yourself to sleep. you felt poisoned, but poisonous as well, as if by ensnaring these young boys you were gaining power over them, and not the other way around. soon it started to work. they’d want more, but you’d deny them it, sick of sucking off silly schoolboys, they’d call you a tease, a vixen. maybe you were, but you couldn’t help but want older men. you got the history teacher first time, him bending you over his desk to sneak a hand up your tennis skirt as the after-school clubs carried on next door, unawares. love didn’t exist, not for you. it was nothing but a game for pretty young girls to play, bubble gum in their canines and a hand tugging at the hem of their cheer skirt.

there was so much anger inside of your small body, ‘beware of boys and their hook-like words’. hockey helped. there was something formidable about the feeling of a stick like a weapon in your hands and the thwack it made against thighs in the heat of a scrum - “slipped, sorry!” - you’d utter with a snakeskin smile, millicent quinn knowing that you’d hit her on purpose because she shagged robbie at that party last week. she couldn’t prove it, cobbled acne on her forehead turning green with disgust. ben came into your life like a car crash. two years your senior, with a baseball jacket and shoulders like a god. he became your personal hero. on the pitch, he was lethal. together, you could bring anyone to their ruin. each day after last period he’d be waiting in his car. you’d leap into his arms like a girl-half starved, love me, love me, love me, your heated kisses the envy of every junior girl. he was yours for three blissful years, utterly yours, and you were his, his star-spangled girl, and he was your knight - you were both the same, playing games, always difficult to predict. it was a shock to all when he proposed, high-school sweethearts find love in south dakota.

the engagement was a bittersweet affair; three months – you barely out of your gingham print skirts and into a graduation gown, him, a surly quarterback towering above your sisters, cigarette at his lips and a scowl like a fart in a lift. they hated him. so did you. but you were eighteen and in love, and he fitted the cookie cutter mould. everyone wanted him, and you had him. you had him and you were happy, happy, happy, and he loved you. he said he’d give you the world, anything you wanted hand-picked and given to you. instead, he gave you a jack russell terrier and a flat you couldn’t swing a cat in, wallpaper peeling like the rotten bits inside of you, the bits that only he knew. and you got tireder and tireder of the sad excuse of a life he’d picked out for you, him out doing god knows what to pay the bills, and you dancing on tables to pave your way to stardom, and this was love, this was real, until the shine wore off and your fresh-faced, dimple-cheeked cheerleader facade faded and the ugliness started to reveal itself, the whining, the petulance, the sharp-tempered cruelty, the mind games, the need to always win, win, win. he was dull, he was boring, he was nothing like the boy the girls had said he was and no chiselled six pack could hide his lack of anything remotely interesting, your patience wearing thin until it snapped like rubber, a rucksack on your back, running shoes on your feet and the joint bank account emptied into your eighth grade birthday wallet.

you built your small fortunes working the casinos of sioux falls, a crimson dress and an attitude to match. bookish archie with his little dipper freckles was fun for a month, before he became just as dull and dreary as the rest. a three hour bus and you were in minneapolis, bright eyed and bushy tailed, fresh meat ready for the pickings. a hostel here, a friendly co-worker’s sofa there as you made what you could by taking off your clothes and shaking your ass like you were back in pep squad, doing what you did best. you met your fair share of creeps, and soon it was back on the road to escape a wide-eyed stalker and a restless itch for more. milwaukee, chicago, you made the roads your own. log cabins and lodgings, and the occasional motel, a beaten up pick up truck purchased at a scrap merchants – you got a few miles out of it before it bit the dust, and when you finally set it alight after nights spent lounging across the driver’s seat, a parka tucked over you as a duvet, you were sad to see it go. you’re nomadic by fault, never attaching to place, people or things, creating a new personality in every place you go like a character actress; each town is a different repertory theatre, and you’re the star. a compulsive liar, you even fib about your own name, to some you’re ellen, nineteen, bookish, a law student who likes smoking and cosmos. to someone else you’re rita, you’re twenty five and look young for your age, like smoking, comics and fucking in public places.

in the bright lights of michigan, you found charlie, sweet charlie, too good for you, though you let him spoil you while he thought you were the small town girl of his dreams. next came abigail, who was fun until the jealously kicked in, and then luke, gorgeous luke, dangerous, exciting, who despite his temper, despite the fights, despite bruises down your spine and your teeth marks on his arms, loved you with the strength of a wild fire. there was destruction in your wishbones, a savageness from the field, from the pitch and now somehow in his arms, you were godly. he was cruel, he was careless, and he refused to fall at your feet like so many other boys had, which only you made you want him all the more. you were rage incarnate. you hated him so fiercely you thought you might kill him, so he played the only card you wouldn’t predict; proposed.

the house you shared was a backstreet flat in detroit, you making your name as a downtown singer while he footed the bill with pills. they had a drug for anything these days, to dull the senses, to pick them up, to drive you to insanity or pull you out of the madness hole. the two of you lived like criminals on the run (you never told him that you were, living out your days as the enigma he wanted you to be), you with your voice like caramel and fishnet legs. you were his and his alone until his hand was at your throat and the gun was in your hands screaming at him to stop, stop, stop, until a bullet stoppered his brain, crimson staining linoleum as you cast yourself out like lucifer. self defence was decreed the moment they saw your violet neck, black tears and headlight eyes and mind screaming red, red, red like the pom-poms you shook so willingly in school and the insides of his skull. you were gone, and “you” was born, renamed “greta”, boxed, shipped-out, and next-day delivered to livingstone where under witness protection you were a student, blank slate, fresh-faced in a place where no one knew your name, doing what you always did and starting again.

[i-want-to-be-manhandled]

more trans ramblings (tramblings?) - to T or not to T, that is the question

so i’m writing this so i have some thoughts to show my therapist next week instead of scouring my brain for them but im posting it on the internet instead of keeping it in a word document or some shit cause i need some of y’all to relate and i’m already way too personal on here anyways. and also at this point this is my personal blog too, i’ve given up entirely on keeping it just for video games. tl;dr: please tell me i am not the only one with stupid amounts of doubt going against the stupid amounts of evidence that i am very transgender. 

tw: long post, doubts, testosterone/hrt effects discussed in detail, (don’t read this if you know me irl and haven’t personally talked with me about being trans? otherwise go ahead), nsfw cause we’re talking about genitals but mostly towards the end of the second to last paragraph (i’ll strike the nsfw stuff), mention of rape but no discussion of it happening, lemme know if i missed anything

so as my last transpost said im very excited for my hysto that im nowhere near getting but im flip-flopping as to whether or not i want to go on t. i know i can get it fairly quickly if i decide i do want it. there’s a trans health clinic in walking distance from where i am moving in 23 days, i have 3 therapists who will write me a letter of recommendation for testosterone, and my mother even found me the trans health clinic so she’ll try to find me somewhere else to go if they don’t take me in for some reason. (having a supportive mom is great i don’t miss her crying about how hard it is to have a trans kid in january and february.) and i’ve looked thoroughly at the effects of testosterone and have sorted them into pros, neutrals, and cons. (posting it here again mostly bc i need to do it but i also need some of yall to relate and/or validate me and/or answer my weird questions)

pros:

voice drop. im so tired of having a squeaky voice which is exacerbated by me always being anxious, and my sister has a deeper voice than me and always tries to sing ridiculously low parts to stretch it for some reason which makes me feel insecure. and apparently my voice is “always squeaky” according to my dad and like? shit man i pass until i talk that’s just the tea. 

i dont even care if i have a super deep voice, i actually think i’d rather be a solid tenor because that’s the vocal range of most of my favorite songs, but i want to sound like a man when i talk and not an 8 year old girl

side note apparently a lot of trans guys have male “internal voices” but mine just sounds like how i sound when i talk because i’m a very literal person and that’s why it took me forever to figure out i was trans and not having a male internal voice makes me dysphoric sometimes and even doubt that i’m trans at all... that’s dumb af i know it’s just my literal personality type not me actually being a girl

more muscle. i dont work out as it is right now but if i knew i’d see results the way i want them then i probably would. also im getting ripped during the school year anyways bc i walk everywhere with a 15-20 pound backpack strapped to me so i’m at least gonna look semi muscular which is what i want anyways. please give me strength quite literally i can barely lift bro

bottom growth. ik it’s still not going to be ~enough~ or whatever but i’d have... something? that would be nice. 

side note would packers start to be uncomfortable with something there bc i wonder about that sometimes. not that mine is super uncomfortable now or anything (i just haven’t figured out how to make it sit right) but i wonder about that

NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS

if im one of those guys whose periods dont stop on t i am actually going to perform a hysto on myself

fat shifting from hips, thighs and butt to my stomach. i don’t care if i have stomach chub or not, but i DO care that my hips are Like That and my things are Really Girly and i have a fucking Girl Butt TM like please just let me Not Have These Problems

having a more angular face. doesn’t happen to everyone per se but because of my facial structure as it is and also what my dad looked like when he was my age, i probably will get this change. i have actively wished for this since i was 13 and didn’t even know dysphoria was a word. hopefully it makes my lips a little thinner too or at least more masculine.

veins becoming more prominent. i have this one pic of me where it looks like i have Guy Arms and i just wanna look like that all the time ya know

lookin like a dude and passing? that counts right

neutrals:

facial hair. i know a lot of trans guys want this but i’ve never wanted one. i just want a jawline to cut a bitch tbh i’m never having more than stubble except the beard imma wear to my high school reunion

body hair. this is more of a pro-neutral ig bc i want it on my arms and legs but would prefer not to have a lot on my chest and stomach. fortunately i dont think my dad has a whole lot but i’m a pretty hairy afab person as it is i just dont wanna be a werewolf lmao

hair loss at temples. i just don’t care about my hairline enough for this to really bother me. maybe i will when it happens but *shrug*

scents of sweat/bo/urine changing? idk i feel like it will be weird, maybe gross if it turns out bad but honestly i don’t really care what i smell like as long as i don’t smell like a dumpster fire? i shower it’s fine lmao

rougher skin? i dont know if i’d like having rougher skin but i also dont like being an uwu soft boi so

acne. nobody wants it but like... i already have stress-acne right now and don’t really give a shit because i hate how my face looks anyways. not that i want a fuckton of acne because nobody does but im not gonna cry myself to sleep over it ya feel? it’s an annoyance but not really a con

cons:

increase in sex drive. not to be nsfw but masturbating is a chore as it is. it hasn’t been fun since i realized i had crippling bottom dysphoria and even then i can’t get off unless i’m completely distracted from my body (either through porn or being too tired to care). also i have like a 2% chance of ever having a partner so i really dont wanna have to deal with having the sex drive of a 12 year old boy when im 19, single, depressed, and dysphoric. im not even asexual but this is the worst con

emotional changes. yall know at this point i dont have the best temper, and i dont want t to exacerbate that. now, some of my friends have said that t has made them much calmer and actually less irritable, but the rest of my friends said t makes them angry. i have poor anger management and i know it. i don’t need it made worse. it’ll fuck my life up for real

increase in appetite. listen i have gastritis, ibs and acid reflux i cannot afford to be needing to eat more than i currently do

so as yall can see i have a fair number of all 3: 8 pros, 6 neutrals, and 3 cons. and what’s more, all of the cons are things that don’t have anything to do with my appearance (which my therapist and i noticed during our session a couple weeks ago and really made me think i should go on t). so then the answer should be clear: i should go on t, right? deal with having a fucked high sex drive and be pissed off because of it but finally be able to see my reflection in the mirror. so it should be obvious. what the hell am i waiting for?

the main reason i’m hesitant is i’m afraid i’ll want to detransition. even though i KNOW it rarely happens and the women who do thought they were trans because of unaddressed traumas relating to being female or have a personality disorder. i have neither of those things: the only female-related trauma i have is being slut shamed by my mom for wearing tank tops and any shirt that wasn’t a crew neck and one guy saying he’d rape me in 9th grade because he thought rape and sex were the same thing (for his sake i hope he’s grown the fuck up!! i’m not traumatized from this i just made my teacher not let him sit next to me in class and told him to stop talking to me. sadly this is the most sexual attention i’ve ever gotten), and the only mental illnesses i have are depression and anxiety (unless we’re counting dysphoria, which i definitely have). i also sometimes feel like i discovered it too late: i didn’t say “i’m not a girl” until i was 14, refused to explore my gender until i was 17, and didn’t fully accept i was trans until i was 18. and other dumb shit: i never tried to pee standing up so im not really trans even though i didn’t know what a penis was until i was like 9, ive caught myself twice recently wishing for longer hair which made me feel feminine and gross and dysphoric (even though i know hair length =/= gender??), and im not in danger of suicide if i don’t get testosterone and top surgery RiGhT nOw. the prospect of me detransitioning isn’t likely, when you look at all the facts, but the prospect makes me anxious because everything makes me anxious. i am the poster boy for anxiety. and yes, i know i would have said that even when i accepted that i was technically the poster girl but i would have said poster boy anyways because it was “gender neutral” and didn’t rub me the wrong way like poster girl would have. same reason i insisted on being a dude instead of dudette and only described myself with words that didn’t have a female equivalent in french class even if it wasn’t true. so what the hell am i waiting for.

like i know i shouldn’t be doubting at this point because it’s so, so obvious that i’m trans. just because i didn’t try to pee standing up when i was little or ask why i didn’t have a penis doesn’t mean i’m not a guy. i logically know this. like when i was 11 and i insisted to myself i had a male brain but knew i shouldn’t say that out loud because that was weird and i wanted to be a normal girl who didn’t have a weird male brain, and when i was 7 and at my friend sarah’s house and her room was super pink and girly and i literally thought the sentence “is this what i’m supposed to be like?” and when i was 14 and cut my hair into the Typical Queer Girl Pixie Cut and my hair was just??? gone like i wanted it to be when i was 9 and ended up with a bowl cut instead, and instead of looking in the mirror and thinking i looked like an owl when i was 9 i smiled at how “androgynous” (masculine) i looked, and when i was 11 and only hung out with boys at summer camp and they treated me like one of them and the girls were really mean to me but it was the best summer i’d ever had, and when i was 15 and my friend chris joked that i was the “guy” in my lesbian relationship and i was so fucking happy, and when i was 15 and starving myself because i loved my “angular” figure and jaw,  and when i was 16 and wearing a dress to winter formal because my ex met me in one and i wanted to be cute for him but i picked the dress that looked like a suit because it looked very “queer” (masculine), and when i was 14 and literally went “hmmm im gonna bind my chest just because i wanna know what it would look like” and it made me so euphoric and i knew in that instant i wasn’t a girl but repressed it for 3+ years because dealing with it would just be too hard, and when i was 11 and knew it was going to be my last day going to school without a bra on and just being so ashamed even though i wanted breasts so i’d be a normal girl, and when i was 16 and wearing that backwards snapback all the time and my friend said it was what tops did and i was so happy that nobody would consider me a bottom or whatever stupid shit because i couldn’t imagine myself being penetrated ever in my cisgender gay life, and when i was 16-17 and scouring the lesbian section of pornhub for pov/strap-on videos bc i wanted to know what it would look like to fuck a girl with a dick without watching straight porn because i’m 100% a gay female because the word lesbian is too girly im not a trans guy or anything haha, and when i was 14-and-onwards wondering why it felt so empty between my legs and why it felt like i was supposed to have a dick lmao im totally a girl though haha, and when i was 15 and had to google how to masturbate bc i couldn’t figure it out naturally and still felt like i was doing it wrong, and when i was 15 and looked at my vagina in the pocket mirror i got from selling like 30 boxes of girl scout cookies in 2007 and my first thought was “that is not my body,” and when i was 16 and actually very upset that i couldn’t ejaculate when i orgasmed. trans who? what the fucking hell am i waiting for

seriously. i was 7 and looking at my 2nd grade yearbook photo thinking “that doesn’t look like me,” and i was 13 and looking in the mirror saying “that doesn’t look like me,” and i went through all of my adolescence waiting for “puberty to turn me into a girl” and then i was 17 and done with puberty and crying because my body was still wrong. i can’t believe how hard i tried throughout my whole adolescence to be some facet of “normal girl” so i wouldn’t get bullied and be dateless forever and thinking “puberty hasn’t turned me into a girl yet” and not stopping to think about what i was if i wasn’t a girl until puberty was done, i realized it wasn’t going to happen, and it was too damn late for me. now i’m 19 and don’t leave the house without either a binder or a sports bra/baggy layers combo and i’d wear my packer everywhere if i could figure out how to get it to sit right (and also get it past my parents lmao).  like if anyone else rattled off that list of trans shit i wouldn’t question them for a second. but because it’s me and i’m like “what if i’m transwashing my memories? what if i’m gaslighting myself?” i’m still not on testosterone and please validate me. tell me other trans people doubt themselves, no matter how obvious it is that they’re trans. tell me it’s okay to doubt hrt, even though you know it will be so much more likely to help you. tell me it’s okay to be afraid of detransitioning, even though it’s okay if i DO decide to detransition and it’s so unlikely anyways considering all the evidence of Me Not Being A Fucking Girl.

if you read this all the way to the end here’s an awkward hug and some brain bleach im not even drunk or high i can’t even blame substances for this behavior 

[scentedglitter]

thanks for the tag @heartbroken-handshakes​ :) I’m usually super quiet and never talk to anyone on Tumblr so it is very rare for me to be tagged in something like this but yes ty! 

rules: answer the questions in a new post and tag 5 blogs you would like to get to know better

a - age: 20

b - birthplace: a small-ish town in northern Victoria, Australia.

c - current time: 11:30am exactly (i am half-doing this and half-doing other things though so it’ll be way after this by the time i post it...)

d - drink you last had: I literally drank a glass of water between answering c and typing this, so that! I am very much a water-drinking person. The annoying kind that tells everyone else to drink more water, too.

e - easiest person to talk to: maybe my uni friend Jane? She’s v cool and we can talk for ages.

f - favorite song: this is a very difficult question for me bc I have 6000+ songs in my iTunes and I love most of them... but my blog is titled after “The Great Escape” by Pink, so probably that.

f - favorite food: look this is indeed an impossible question but I can probably narrow it down to two: double coat tim tams and a specific variety of peach (T304) that is only grown near my hometown

g - grossest memory: one time in year 7/age 13 my Dad dropped me off at school but as I was getting out of the car the door blew back and jammed my thumb in it and it was an extremely sharp door edge and sliced my thumb open so ofc I passed out like three times, Dad was late to work, I had bandaging on my finger for weeks and it destroyed my nailbed so that nail is still weird and doesn’t grow properly today

h - horror yes or horror no:  tbh I just find it a bit silly a lot of the time? not really my thing

i - in love?: nope

j - jealous of people?: sometimes I guess?

l - love at first sight or should I walk by again?: look you can probably be attracted to someone at first sight but ~love~ implies something of an emotional connection

m - middle name: jane.

n - number of siblings: 2 younger brothers. They’re twins.

o - one wish: to somehow find a well-paying but low-stress job next year that can fit in with my study schedule...

p - person you called last: technically, my physiotherapist... I don’t call people much.

q - question you are always asked: “what are you studying?”. Sometimes by people that have already asked that question many time.

r - reason to smile: submitted a 3000-word essay early this morning and now I can actually take today off!

s - song you last sang: I’ve got my iTunes playing alphabetically constantly at the moment - it’s been going whenever I’m in my room for over a week and it’s only at C. “Crystal Ball” - Pink is playing right now but I think the last one I was singing along to was “Cruel” - The Veronicas?

t - time you woke up: 4am. It’s very quiet in a university dorm building at 4am on a public holiday.

u - underwear colour: literally just tan today

v - vacation destination: hopefully vacation + exchange trip to canada next year? maybe i’ll try and end up on a beach somewhere this summer too? don’t really know, I’m not even sure which state I’ll be living in november-january yet oops

w - worst habit: not taking asthma meds... which, like, sometimes is totally fine but they’d work better when i do need them if i took them all the time oops

x - x-rays: had a couple on my back to try and work out if there’s anything actually causing this lovely chronic pain thing I’ve had going on for the last few years

z - zodiac sign: pisces and sceptical of zodiac signs in general

As aforementioned I’m not super social on Tumblr so PLS FEEL FREE TO IGNORE THE TAG IF IT’S WEIRD I’m’a tag some people who I always see in my activity/reblog from a bit or kind of already know but haven’t properly talked to for years and by that I mean @withdrawnheart​

Also @greyunicorrrn​ @learningtoloveyourz @be-the-oneyou-really-are

I’m still missing one person so I’m going to add in @ophicus even though I went to a movie with her yesterday

[fairycosmos]

IMPORTANT deleted and remade tumblr and in that time I really missed you and your blog like I’ve been sending you ask and you’ve been such an angel that for awhile this became my safe space 💕 Anyway I’ve started to talking to a friend for awhile and my dilemma is that they were worked up bc they were going to jail the next day and I never really told them how abusive home is. I’m okay but I just feel really guilty and idk their out now or smthn but I just don’t know how to reach out 😖

hey my love!! are you able to reach out to them on any form of social media? or maybe ask a mutual friend for their phone number if that’s possible? i feel like something in that vain that would be your easiest option. it’s low key, doesn’t put too much pressure on anyone, causal etc. i know it’s tough to reignite an old relationship, and it’s way easier said than done, but it seems like your friend could probably use some company right now, anyway. readjusting to life when you get out of jail is fucking hard, so rekindling an old connection might be just what he/she needs. this could be a really wonderful thing for the both of you. a simple “hey, how have you been doing?” is a good place to start, it doesn’t have to be a big deal. then if they’re cooperative, once you open up into a deeper conversation, you can tell them how you’ve been feeling and get it all off your chest. i’m sure they’ll appreciate the honesty. look, it’s ok for it to be a bit awkward or tension filled at first, but you’ll get back into the rhythm of the friendship before long - adapting is inevitable. it won’t always be uncomfortable. all it takes is one of you to make the active choice to reach out. the fact that you feel the need to is a sign that it’s meant to happen. also i totally understand feeling guilty for not being totally honest with someone you care about, and it’s alright to process guilt if that’s what you’re naturally feeling, as long as you try to cope with it in a healthy way. but at the same time always remember that who you talk to about being abused is completely your choice, and you dont owe that information to anybody. you haven’t done anything wrong. there’s no shame on your shoulders, even if you wish you had done things differently. when it comes down to it, you can find some closure by quite literally making the decision to seek it. i feel like this is such an obvious answer lol and i apologize for that, i wish there was something i could actually do for you, but if you intuitively want to talk to them, just do it. your anxiety will try to trick you into thinking it’s going to end badly, but that’s super unlikely when you look at things objectively. feeling weird about it is to be expected. your worries are manipulating you cause you’re scared. but it’s ok to be scared, it’s normal. you can work through it and still do what you need to do to be happy/content. you’re stronger than you think you are !! 

+ are you still in an abusive home or were you able to get to a safe environment? i’m really hoping it’s the latter. if not, please always keep in mind that there are many resources and ways to get yourself out of danger. whether it’s through school or legal protection or health and safety services in your community - you don’t have to stay silent about being mistreated and you don’t have to go through it alone. support is available in so many different forms, it wont be as scary as you’re expecting it to be. and your brain will probably try and try and try to convince you to stay quiet but what you actually do is up to YOU, not your insecurities/fear. even if you just consider the idea of reaching out, then that’s something to be proud of. i understand that it’s not black and white, and i’m sure you’re in a very complex situation, but even picking up the phone and calling a hotline to see what your options are could help you out a lot. there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be safe and secure, and you deserve to be. even if you dont feel like you do, you do. please try to consciously appreciate and love yourself enough to protect yourself. even in the smallest of ways, even if you feel stupid doing so.

also you’re super super fucking sweet, i cant believe you missed me aaaaa?? thank you so so much for being so kind and genuine. the fact that you viewed my blog as a safe space just warms my heart more than i can express gjfkdlsjfkds :(( i appreciate it with all my soul 💕 i’m sending you all of the love in the universe lil angel. i’m always here if you need someone or if you want to talk about this properly, hmu anytime.

[captusmomentum]

@selenelavellan​ 

(Hitting these all at once and out of order bc it’s easier hope you don’t mind)

#(Also what are Inans pronouns is it they/them?) 

first off Inan’s pronouns are They/Their or She/Her! I bounce a lot between the two bc both I do it while referring to myself and I’m using that as a template for them but I’ve been trying to use ‘they’ more so it’s easier to catch on w/o all the backtracking thru the blog to see where it’s been mentioned earlier. Inanallas vacillates between agender and demigirl for a lot of their life until they just end up mainly agender as an old fucker. 

#...it occurs to me that anytime Selene and Dirthamen are both hanging around Inan this problem will only get worse #the two of them are over 6 foot (probably not yet at least) and Inan is like my size #GL Inan at least you have friends who can get things off of high surfaces for you now

The best part of that is in my and @mitsurugireiji​‘s joint Clan Lavellan from Hell they’re all fucking Tall dark skinned Adonises primarily and Inan is this fucking short ass pale fucker from Clan Anurlal from the Anderfels so she’s already fucking SURROUNDED by giants to start with then just adds on more when she meets them. When all her siblings graduate Dirth and Selene being giants will be super helpful since she can’t make her sibs grab stuff for her anymore and she’s already been in detention for climbing the bookshelves 4 times so.

#I love Dirthamen having a friend in this AU also Yessss!!!! #I mean he's friends with Vena and the group once Selene's not like 'ur all fucking traitors' of course but still

No I Get what you mean. It’s like the difference between a friend you made all on your own and the ones you made via another friend. they’re all still your friends regardless but they’re a little different, especially because the others a more established friend group while Dirth and Inan have been rogue agents for a long ass time. It’s Special for both of them that they manage to make a friend all on their own just because they like each other’s personality. 

And lbr I Doubt anyone in that group is as fucking WEIRD and SPOOKY as they are and could handle those high levels of eccentric w/o a break. It’s nice to have that One Friend who’s as hardcore on something as you are so you never have to worry about missing each other’s marks. Plus they’re both basically ravengoths sooooo

#Falon'dins breaking bones yes good A+++ I think that one should be canon at some point 

I’d meant him breaking someone’s bones but.......let’s Ignore..... That......... B)

#BreakFalonDinsBones2k17

#I'm also dying at the Actual Criminals #Liike they do awful shit but its not Awful shit its like contraband and stuff #I'm imagining Selene going to them for like mechanical pencils like 'u got the goods??' and they're like 'hell yeah'#and they just sell muggle shit that Hogwarts doesnt use for aesthetic purposes but Selene is like #'hell YEAH not having to dip a quill is gonna make me way more efficient at studying than Dirthamen' #but the joke is on her because Dirthamens definitely got like a Stash of muggle stuff under his bed #Some of it is useful some of it he's just genuinely curious about #all of it he has been overcharged for #$10 per mechanical pencil for him #$20 for Falon'din though if he ever bothered

Tenna becomes a Legit Wizard Mobster after school but during is mostly just aiding and abetting the minor smuggling ring, along with some gambling and minor shake downs. She’s basically the opposite of Falon’Din, she’s willing to hurt people or let them be hurt but it’s sadistic about it. She’s mainly about the gathering of power and a strong stable organization. She’s ruthless af but very Reasonable and willing to talk things out and makes a Point of being regarded a pleasant person. Samahllen is more of a red jenny type, mostly low level things but is also very good with gathering info and getting sketchy shit done. It’s generally hard to see the logic to why she does most things and her honesty is Questionable but she’s a generally nice person. OFC they sell all the Choicest muggle shit, they have everything from notecards to mars bars. Sam gives them a discount once they’re friends w/ Inan, not a big one but Hey.

I imagine there’s a Panic when Tenna and Sam are slated to graduate bc where are we gotta get the goods now???????? But it all works out bc they have minions still on the inside to hussle and Sam uses Inan as a patsy to smuggle some of the product in. She’s a Good Sister like that. It’s probably when Inanallas is going thru their trunk and pull out a shady package Sam snuck in there that Selene’s like ‘... right your sister is a Legit Criminal kinda huh...’ 

God the idea of Dirthamen all excited over a spiral notebook is ADORABLE. And you know they hook Selene up with the dopest fucking cutest pencils, gel pens and stationary and shit. Dirth sees her using glitter gel pens to help organize her notes (which she is rewriting from her classnotes so they’re even nerdier and more thorough) and he gasps lightly in awe. Her notes are so informative and pretty! Truly she is a master. 

#I'm making this Canon CONGRATS #I love this so much #and ALSO #this means when Ravenclaw plays against Slytherin Inan and Falon'din are both on the field actively trying to beat the shit out of eachother #for an audience even #Dirthamen is Conflicted (tm) but Selene is just like 'We're rooting for Inan dont even worry about it'#any further arguments he makes Selene is like 'listen Inan is in our house so we should root for them over your brother thats just sports' #But she roots particularly loudly everytime Falon'din takes a ball to the face

GOOD LORD. IDK IF SHOULD BE HAPPY OR TERRIFIED. Inan on a broom fending off EVIL DEATH BALLS sounds like their Actual Nightmare. I imagine the first couple of practices are just [INAN SCREAMING w/ Vena laughing in the bg] then they’d get over themselves enough to remember they have been trained by a lifetime of sibling brutality to not give a Single Fuck and suddenly it’s super scary to watch. Inanallas is the first to forget that they’re inhumanly BUFF and can like, actually fight really well (Thanks Thenvas!). Inan has REALLY BAD AIM THO SO I’M CONCERNED ABOUT THEM BEING A BEATER. Tho I guess that means a lot of hitting at the closest available target. Can you grab a bludger and travel with it? They’d do that. Special delivery for Falon’Din [SLAMS IT INTO HIS CHEST FULL FORCE]

Selene and Inan are united in their Hate of Falon’Din. gtfo bonefucker dirth is her shitty brother now and he’s gotta make kissy faces at selene no more bullshit from you. I imagine at some point down the line it gets really ugly and devolves into physical fights and shit, probably something similar to the snape-sirius feud. god dirth would be So Distraught.

Tace sprinting over and holding Falon’Din in a lock while Selene and Inan wail on him #goals

[maggie-greene-archive]

I feel terrible that my activity on here has been so low, but I’m just dealing with a lot irl. This blog is still on semi-hiatus until March 15th due to the final packets I have to write for grad school, and I’m doing very well at my new job, even if I’m exhausted all the time. If you need to talk to me about anything (or if you just miss me), feel free to hmu on tumblr IM or sk.ype (which is available to all mutals btw, just ask). I MISS YOU ALL. ♡♡♡

Drafts: 28  Starters: 3 ( hershel, sophia, & sasha)  Inbox: 0 Threads: 38  Notes: 8 drafts are not on the tracker yet (bc they are asks or starters).  To Do: Update exclusives list (please let me know if you should be on there and are not), and I think I’m going to start scheduling starter memes to post every other week for exclusives to help start new interactions and maybe break the ice for newer partners. Revive anniversary giveaway (it was interrupted by a death in the family, so I plan to extend the deadline). 

thread tracker.