#(i say teenage ive always thought of her as like 18)

[dykepaldi]

i forget that ashildr/me and clara were definitely intended to be a bit gay. the ‘shes nice, fight you for her’ ‘oh the human race, youre obsessed, you all need to get a hobby’ thats steven moffat code for she wanted to fuck herrrr. mad!!!

[rollingsins]

all hers, epilogue

part i | part ii | part iii | part iv | part v | part vi | part vii | part viii | part ix | part x | part xi | part xii | part xiii | part xiv | part xv | part xvi | part xvii | part xviii | part xix | part xx | part xxi | part xxii | part xxiii | part xxiv | part xxv | part xxvi | epilogue

summary: Tara and YN try their hand at some healthier habits.

warnings: (+18), Tara is Ghostface, mention of violence. Smut.

word count: 5.3k

a/n: it's been a wild ride. thanks for all who have come along. all hers is over, but I will still be writing gf!tara drabbles in the same universe - maybe some college oneshots in the drabble files. Until then: enjoy the final chapter! :)) 

As the days turn into weeks and the weeks turn into months, slowly, the pain subsides.

Your normal? It’s potentially forever gone. It shouldn’t be a surprise, at this point.

Once you’d just been a teenage girl, crazily in love with another girl.

Who turned out to be a serial killer. Who’d somehow turned you into a killer.

Who’d made you cry, and laugh and love harder than you’d ever loved in your entire life.

In the grand scheme of things - the scar on your belly is probably the least of your worries.

But that doesn’t stop you toiling on it.

It always seems to be the way, doesn’t it? Worrying about the things that don’t really matter.

You worry nonetheless.

“It’s pretty,” Tara murmurs in comfort when you’re staring at yourself in the bathroom mirror, shirt lifted slightly, eyebrows pinched in dismay.

It’s not pretty.

It’s wiry and long and stems from the tip of your bellybutton down to your navel.

“It’s hideous.” You say, voice a little fraught.

It’s hideous and permanent.

You’ll never be able to wear a bikini again. You’ll never be able to take your shirt off again without being reminded of it.

Of her.

The woman who had tormented you for weeks.

The woman who you’d tormented for weeks. The woman whose son you’d taken from her. The woman who’d repaid you in mental scars to last a lifetime.

A belly scar to last a lifetime.

“It’s beautiful,” Tara says, pressing her lips to your shoulder, “It means you’re alive.”

She squeezes your hips, then lifts her own shirt.

“And it matches mine,” She says, eyes shimmering, “Matching knife wounds. Like soulmates.”

You snort.

Because of course Tara tries to make stab wounds romantic.

But to her credit - it works.

Your heart sings.

Soulmates.

Because that’s what you are.

“Who needs a wedding ring, right?” You say, biting your lip, insecurities suddenly fading.

Tara entwines your hands, lifts the back of your hand to her lips.

“You do,” Tara says, “And you’ll have one. Soon. I promise.”

You pull back.

“Not before-“

“College,” Tara says, rolling her eyes, “I know, babe.”

You press a lingering kiss to her cheek.

“I just don’t want to be one of those couples who rush into marriage and fall apart the moment they turn twenty-one.”

“That won’t be us,” Tara whines, and then she pouts, “Plenty of high school sweethearts get married right after high school.”

You groan.

“Tara, we talked about this already-“

“I know,” Tara says, voice hasty, “I’m just excited. I want you to be Mrs. Carpenter already.”

“Mrs Carpenter, huh?” You say, ignoring the fluttery rush that blooms through you at the thought, “And what if I want you to take my name?”

Tara cocks a brow and considers this.

“I don’t care, babe, I’ll change my name to garden gnome if you want, as long as I get to be your wife.” She says after a moment.

You smile. Squeeze her hand.

“You’d suit it,” You tease, “But Mrs and Mrs Carpenter has a nice ring to it.”

Tara tilts her head hopefully.

“So, maybe a high school wedding?” She asks, voice sly, “Mrs Carpenter would look good on your college application forms.”

You press a warm kiss to her lips.

“There’s no rush, babe,” You tell her, “And I need to save up. Get you a pretty ring.”

Tara squints.

“I’m proposing first,” She says immediately, “You promised, babe.”

You roll your eyes.

“Yes, you baby, I know.”

Tara tilts her head, seemingly satisfied.

You press a kiss to her lips. She’s cured your insecurity, for now.

But a new feeling gnaws at the bottom of your stomach.

Dread.

As you realize what comes next. You try to keep your voice light. Lighter than the heavy pit at the bottom of your stomach.

“Come on,” You say, trying and failing not to sound anxious, “It’s time for therapy.”

-

Dr Colmann is a five foot woman with long, flowing blonde hair and piercing blue eyes.

Her office is bland. Gray walls. Little decoration.

Like she wants your attention on her.

You’d met her first, a few weeks ago. Like a pterodactyl scouting out a potential nest for her baby.

Your situation is tricky - there’s only so much you can tell her.

And you’re no doctor - but even you know surely it’s impossible to diagnose an illness without knowing all the symptoms.

“I want to get something out of the way,” You’d said after a long moment, clearing your throat.

Dr Colmann had looked over at you, pen tilted and ready to write. With all the intimidation of a woman who was about to change your life.

“I’m aware my girlfriend is…” You had paused, trying to think of the right word, “A little… possessive.”

Dr Colmann said nothing.

“I know that, and that’s why we’re looking for help.” You’d bitten your lip, nervous, “And I’m also sure the first thing you’re going to tell me is to leave her. But that isn’t going to happen. I love her. And she loves me. We’re looking for coping methods. I want to help her feel secure. But I will not break up with her.”

Dr Colmann had just listened.

Her silence, if possible, made you all the more nervous.

“She’s not abusive or anything,” You’d clarified, hastily, “She doesn’t hurt me. She just gets… jealous.”

“And what does she do when she gets jealous?” She’d asked, finally breaking her silence.

“Um-“ You’d said, voice a little high. Memories flashed before you like nightmares and you’d been entirely grateful your thoughts couldn’t be seen.

“She lashes out. Not at me. At other people.”

Dr Colmann scribbled something in her notepad. Long, wiry, black inky marks.

You’d squinted, trying to make up the words, but she’d looked back at you before you’d had the chance.

“Do you have any examples?” Dr Colmann prompted.

You paused.

You had a fair few of those.

None of which you could disclose.

“Little things,” You said, “I used to play soccer. But I had to quit because Tara thought some of the girls might become interested in me.”

You chew your lip.

“And… I was just in the hospital. She got jealous of the nurse.”

“The nurse?”

“She tried to… give me a sponge bath and Tara freaked out.”

Dr Colman stared.

You swallowed. The words out loud somehow seemed even more ridiculous than they are.

“How did she freak out?” Dr Colmann asked.

“She tried to…” You swallowed again, “She didn’t want the nurse to touch me again. Not even to change my bandages.”

Dr Colmann pursed her lips.

“I told her that was stupid,” You’d said, hurriedly, “But when she gets like that, nothing can stop her. She calls it The Rage.”

Dr Colmann tilted her head.

“The Rage?”

You’d nodded.

“Yeah. It’s like… it’s like something takes over her. Like a demon or something. Something she can’t control.”

Dr Colmann had closed her notebook. She’d looked over at you, surveying. You’d blinked back, eyes wide, surely screaming help me, or something to that effect.

Then, she smiled.

“When can I meet her?”

-

You’re no less nervous the second time.

You greet Dr Colmann with a tight smile, draw Tara down into the seat next to you. Your knee bobs up and down, unable to quell the tide of anxiety rising deep within you.

Please, you think, a little desperate, please help her.

As Tara and Dr Colmann exchange pleasantries, you blink. Too many times.

Like you don’t know how this is going to go. The worst case scenario flashes before you: Dr Colmann in a body bag.

Tara in a jail cell.

You in a jail cell.

Never able to touch her, or hold her, or kiss her ever again.

You need therapy, the little voice in your head leers, judgmental, not being with Tara is worse than a woman dying?

“So, Tara,” Dr Colmann says, when you’re all seated. With all the cheeriness of someone who isn’t aware you’re imagining her as a corpse.

“Tell me about The Rage.”

An awkward silence settles over the three of you.

Tara shoots a hesitant look towards you.

You squeeze her hand and nod.

Then, she looks over to Dr Colmann.

“It’s an anger thing,” Tara mumbles, not looking her in the eye, “I’ve seen shrinks before, none of them can fix it.”

Dr Colmann tilts her head.

“And what did these other doctors do?” She asks, “Anger management classes? Medication?”

“Both,” Tara says, “Nothing ever worked.”

Dr Colmann hums.

“I’ve read through your file, Tara,” She says gently, “Fourteen different therapists across the state. That’s a lot of doctors. Especially for such a young girl.”

Tara assesses her. Her face is tight, guarded. Like she’s not sure if she can quite trust her.

Dr Colmann scribbles something in her notepad.

“Lots of kids have problems with anger,” Says Dr Colmann, “But anger is just a symptom, like any other emotion. From what YN has told me, anger isn’t the problem. Sharing is the problem.”

Tara frowns.

“Plenty of children have issues with sharing,” Dr Colmann continues, “Usually, it’s the parents who stamp it out. But not always. I see in your file your sister used to bear the brunt of most of these anger issues.”

Tara folds her arms.

“Not always,” She says.

“But most of the time,” Says Dr Colmann, pointedly. She squints, reading through her notes, “It says here you attacked your sister when you were four years old because she tried to play with one of your Barbie dolls. Then again, later that week for taking a bigger slice of pie.”

“Four year olds are allowed to have boundaries, aren’t they?” Says Tara, defensively, “That Barbie was mine.”

“And YN? She’s yours too?” Asks Dr Colmann, evenly.

Tara blinks.

“She’s my girlfriend.” Tara says, diplomatically. The question is a trap, one she’s determined to avoid.

Dr Colmann tilts her head.

“And you don’t like when other people play with her? Is that right?”

Anger flickers through Tara’s features. You bite your lip, and squeeze her hand. Try to keep her grounded.

“I suppose not.” Says Tara, voice tight.

“YN told me about the nurse,” Dr Colmann says, “And the soccer team. You made her quit? Why?”

Tara looks over to you, a little helpless.

“I didn’t make her quit,” She says, slowly, like she’s being very careful with her words, “I just… suggested it. Strongly.”

Dr Colmann makes a noise of dissatisfaction.

Then returns to madly scribbling on her notepad.

Tara frowns again, looking self-conscious.

Dr Colmann looks up.

“And what if someone on the soccer team had been interested?” Dr Colmann asks, “What would you have done?”

You avert your gaze.

Kill them, is the answer.

It’s already happened.

More than once.

Tara shifts.

“I wouldn’t like it.” Tara says.

“No reasonable person would like that, Tara,” Dr Colmann prods, gently, “But what would you do?”

“I don’t know,” Says Tara, sounding aggravated, “Not let her see them anymore.”

“And do you think that’s an appropriate request?” Dr Colmann asks, “Do you really think you should have control over who your girlfriend associates with?”

Tara narrows her eyes.

“YN would do it for me,” She says, “We’re in a relationship. Relationships are about compromise.”

“That isn’t compromise, Tara,” Dr Colmann says, gently, “That’s you demanding she do something and her complying. Do you not trust her?”

Tara blinks.

She looks over to you, then back to Dr Colmann.

“Of course I do,” She says, voice soft, “It’s other people I don’t trust.”

“And what do you think these other people are going to do?” Dr Colmann asks.

“I don’t know.” Tara says, voice small, as if she’s never really thought that far ahead.

She looks like a little lost puppy. You want to wrap her in your arms and tell her you’ll never talk to anybody else again if that’s what she wants.

You resist.

Healthy wife, happy life, is what you tell yourself instead.

Dr Colmann’s face washes with sympathy.

“Jealousy is pointless, Tara,” Dr Colmann says, voice gentle, “Worrying is pointless. If YN is going to cheat on you, she’ll cheat on you. If she’s going to leave you, she’ll leave you. There’s nothing you - or The Rage can do about it.”

Tara blinks.

“I-“ She says, as if Dr Colmann has just spit in her face “What?”

Dr Colmann sits forward in her seat. Her notebook discarded.

“What you need to do - is trust. Your girlfriend loves you. Clearly. She wouldn’t be here with you if she didn’t.”

Tara frowns.

“You’re afraid of losing her,” Dr Colman says, eyebrows knit, as if Tara is a particularly difficult puzzle she can’t quite get her head around, “But why? We’ve already established she loves you. She wouldn’t be here with you if she didn’t.”

Tara blinks. You soothe a finger across the back of her hand. Resist the urge to press a kiss to her pretty forehead.

You let the doctor do the work.

“Have other people you loved left you, Tara?” Dr Colmann prods, gently.

Tara’s shoulders tense.

Dr Colmann waits a moment.

“Who?” She asks, "Your Mom? Your Dad?”

“Both.” Tara says, voice small, “They both left me.”

Your heart aches.

If you could - you’d sucker punch the two of them right now.

It isn’t an option. Instead - you grip her hand tight, offer her a small smile of encouragement as she speaks.

Tara swallows.

“My Dad tried to fix me,” Tara says, “For years. I was an angry kid. They could never figure out what was wrong with me. Eventually he just… gave up. He walked out on me and My Mom and my sister. Left us, just like that.”

“That must have been very traumatic,” Says Dr Colmann, “How old were you?”

“Thirteen.” Says Tara, “My Mom never left. I mean, she did. She threw herself into work to cope with my Dad leaving. She started going on these long business trips. But she never officially left.”

Dr Colmann offers her a small smile, “And that’s why you get so jealous, is it Tara? You’re afraid YN will leave you? Like your Mom? Like your Dad?”

Tara hesitates.

She looks down at her hands.

“Yes.” She says, after a long moment.

“Baby,” You say, voice hushed. Tara squeezes your fingers.

Dr Colmann hums.

“That makes a lot of sense, Tara,” She says, her voice kind, “That gives us something to work with.”

She closes her notepad, offers the two of you a reassuring smile.

“Your anger - we can work through that. We can figure out some coping methods. But the main problem here isn’t anger, Tara. It’s trust. I know you said you trust YN but you’re still scared. Deep down you’re scared she’ll abandon you, just like your parents did. We need to work through that.”

“Is it something we can fix?” You ask, a tad desperate.

You’d lost count of the amount of times you’d promised Tara you’d never leave her.

And each time it seemed to fall on deaf ears the moment The Rage was invoked.

“We can try,” Dr Colmann says, “I can try. And it’ll take some hard work. But Tara, it’ll only work if you’re open to it. If you’re open to changing. Is that something you can do?”

Tara thinks for a moment.

And then she nods.

“Yeah,” She says, “I want to do it. I want to be different. For you, babe,”

She squeezes your hand. Thinks hard.

“And for me too."

-

You’re silent the entire way home.

Tara too.

She grips your hand so hard you think it might fall off at one point. It’s only when she pulls into the driveway, she speaks.

“I didn’t scare you off, did I?” She asks, chewing her lip as she looks over at you, “With all my… problems.”

“Never, baby,” You say immediately.

You lean over to kiss her cheek. She relaxes.

“I’m going to need a lot of therapy, aren’t I?” She says, sounding worried.

You press another warm kiss to her cheek.

“I’ll be with you the whole way,” You assure, “I'm not going anywhere, Tara.”

You hesitate.

“You know I’m not like your Dad, right?” You say, “Or your Mom. I’m not going to leave you.”

Tara offers you a small smile.

“I know, babe,” She says, “At least in theory, I know.”

You press a kiss to her lips.

“I guess I’ll just have to remind you then,” you say, “Everyday. I love you. You’re stuck with me. I’ll say it until you believe me in theory and in practice.”

Tara rests her forehead against yours.

“Okay,” She says, “And keep saying it after that, okay babe?”

You kiss her.

“Deal.”

-

Your Mom’s still in the hospital.

Her leg had been amputated after the attack, and the procedure hadn’t been easy on her or your Dad. She’d come home after two weeks and then been admitted once more when the wound became infected.

“Are you feeling okay?” You ask her now, chewing your lip, phone pressed to your ear.

Tara finishes up the dishes, setting down the washcloth to nestle in beside you, squeezing your hip comfortingly.

“I’m okay, sweetheart,” She says, “Will you come and visit tomorrow?”

“I’ll be there,” You promise, “Sam is going to pick us up after school.”

“And everything’s alright at the house?” Enquires your Mom.

You were staying at Tara’s place until your parents came back home, a decision that was quickly agreed on, for once.

“Everything’s fine, Mom,” You assure, “Sam’s working now, but she’ll be home in a couple of hours.”

Your Mom hums.

“And Tara’s there with you, isn’t she?” She asks, sounding a little worried, “You’re not alone?”

“Tara’s here,” You say and Tara kisses the back of your neck, “You don’t have to worry, Mom.”

“Is that Tara?” Asks your Dad through the phone, a little gruff, “Can I speak with her?’

“Dad wants to speak to Tara, YN, bye for now,” Says your Mom, “See you tomorrow.”

You barely get out the goodbye before you hear your Dad’s voice once more.

“Tara?” He asks.

“It’s me Dad,” You say, and he makes a noise of vague disappointment.

You roll your eyes.

“We’re fine, thanks for asking.” You say.

“Yes, yes, I heard you speak with Mom,” He assures, “Put Tara on the phone.”

You hand off the phone to your girlfriend and pry yourself out of her grip, busying yourself with playing the leftovers into their containers.

“Hello, Sir,” Says Tara, the way you might speak to the President.

She bobs her head, eyebrows knitting.

“Yes, I did see the 49ers play.”

You huff.

Tara averts her gaze.

“Yes, I did think they played like a bunch of seven year old girls.”

You roll your eyes once more.

Tara’s newfound friendship with your Dad is better than the alternative, at least. You’d lived the alternative.

It hadn’t been much fun.

“We’re okay,” Tara promises, suddenly, “I have every door locked down, alarms set and cameras operating.”

Your Dad murmurs something down the line you can’t hear.

Tara smiles, and then reaches for your hand.

“I’m not letting her out of my sight, Sir, you don’t have to worry,” She says, “I won’t let anyone hurt her. I promise.”

She hangs up not long after.

You should be used to it by now, the flutter in the pit of your stomach every time she gets protective, or calls you hers, but you’re not.

Butterflies cascade through your belly, branching out to the tips of your fingertips where they settle. You curl in around Tara and press your lips to her neck.

She smells good. No perfume, just the tinge of her skin and her coconut body wash.

You squeeze her hips and nip your teeth against the nape of her neck.

“Oh.” Tara sighs as you slip your fingers into the waistband of your jeans. She leans back into your touch, titling your head to capture your lips.

“Really?” She asks, a little excited.

You laugh.

You’d not had sex in a few weeks, hardly in the mood. Your wound aches most days, and the rest are spent really remarkably unsexy, despite Tara’s constant reassurance you’re the most beautiful girl in the world.

She turns in your arms, pressing another kiss to your lips.

“Sam won’t be home for hours,” You murmur against her lips, “Just you and me. The way it should be.”

“Your stomach doesn’t hurt?” She asks, a little soft. Her eyes swim with concern, “We can just watch a movie, if you want?”

You shake your head.

She looks good. Her dark hair pulled back in a ponytail. No makeup, her spill of freckles poignant, her pretty lips pouty and red and kissable.

“I want you, baby,” You murmur, nuzzling your nose to the side of her face, “Do you want me too?”

You don’t have to wait long for a response.

She presses a searing kiss to your lips.

“Do you even have to ask?” She says, biting her lip.

“No,” You smile, “But I want to hear you say it anyway.”

“I want you,” She says, immediately. She’s excited again, you can tell by the way her eyes flicker, “I want you all the time.”

“Come take me then,” You murmur against her mouth.

She doesn’t have to be told twice.

She leads you up the staircase, walking backwards. Her mouth fused to yours, her careful hands roaming every span of skin she can get her hands on.

She helps you onto the bed, far gentler than her usual gig of wild hands and wild lips. Instead, this time she touches you as if you might shatter into a thousand pieces.

You make an annoyed murmur as she pulls your jeans down your legs. It feels like an age, the way she softly untangles the button and the zipper. Her touch is light, so un-Tara.

When she finally pulls your legs from your jeans, you almost cry out of frustration.

“Babe, I’m not going to break.” You tell her, but it falls on deaf ears.

She’s pressing her lips to your thigh, tiny, gentle touches as she pulls your underwear down your legs at a pain-stakingly slow pace.

“Don’t rush me, babe,” She says as you reach down to help her, “And lie back. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“I feel fine,” You say, tilting up to meet her kiss, “Please hurt me.”

Tara huffs, drawing back slightly.

“It’s not fair to say things like that when you know I can’t.” She pouts, “The things I want to do to you will almost certainly rip your stitches.”

Arousal coils deep in your belly.

Then annoyance.

“Now who's not being fair?” It’s your turn to pout.

Tara nudges her lips to your neck.

“I’m going to make love to you, baby-girl,” She promises, her eyes dark, “That’s more than fair.”

You tilt your head up and press a lingering kiss to her lips.

“Besides. If I rip your stitches I think your Dad will have something to say.”

You wrinkle your nose.

“Let’s not talk about my Dad when we’re getting naked, babe,” You suggest.

She hums in agreement.

And then you reach for her shirt.

“Off.”

If she’s going to spend the entire evening getting your underwear down your legs, the least she can do is give you something to look at, you reason.

Your touch is impatient.

You pry off her jeans like there’s a time limit. Strip her of her shirt and her bra until she’s hovering naked above you, making your mouth water.

And suddenly, what little patience you had left is gone.

You rise up, starling her.

“Babe-“ She protests, but you can’t be reasoned with.

You tilt her around, until she’s lying back on the mattress, nudging her bare legs apart with your thighs.

“Too slow, my turn.” You murmur.

Your lips are hungry.

You kiss her, fierce, groaning slightly as your hands get to work. They work down the curve of her hips, to her thighs. You squeeze her, a little rough, and then move your hands to take her nipples between your fingers.

She gasps, her hips involuntarily jerking up towards yours. You detangle yourself from her lips, leaning down to press hot kisses against her neck.

She threads her fingers through your hair, tugging, tugging, as she moves against you. She’s still holding back, being careful not to touch your stomach.

You can tell by the way she’s groaning it’s hard for her.

And so you make it easy.

Your lips move down from her neck to her breasts. You circle each nipple once, then twice, before you’re taking her in your mouth, curling your arms around each of her thighs.

“Baby,” Tara murmurs, “Baby, your stomach-“

You release her nipple with a wet pop and a frown.

“I’m fine, babe.” You say, and it’s true.

It aches, slightly, but it always does nowadays. No matter what you’re doing.

And if it’s her you’re doing, at least the ache is dampened by the forest fire of arousal surging through your veins.

You return to your pilgrimage down her body.

Your lips graze her belly-button, your tongue slips down over the jut of her hips to the crest of her thighs.

She sighs, seemingly satisfied as you slip down further. Moving your body to settle nicely in between her legs.

Then, she tilts her head up, biting her lip.

Her eyes are hesitant, though encompassed with want.

“Tell me if it hurts,” She says, “Tell me and we can stop. Or…re-adjust.”

You nod, impatient.

“Alright babe, I will,” You say, raising an eyebrow, “Can I go down on you now?”

Her cheeks flush red with arousal.

“Please.” She whispers.

She’s beautiful, as ever.

You press your lips against the soft skin of her inner thighs, grazing your lips just gently. You use your tongue to work your way inwards.

Your breath catches in your throat the moment you taste her. Wet, syrupy, bittersweet goodness.

You lick it up, greedy for more. You press your lips to her folds, use your hands to spread her open for you. You lose control of your tongue.

One minute you’re ready to tease, the next, you’ve worked yourself up too much.

Your tongue moves hot across her folds and then down to her entrance. Your top lip brushes her clit and she sings.

A low moan that vibrates through the room.

A moan that indicates it’s been far too long since you’ve touched her like this.

You apologize with your mouth.

Low strokes of your tongue at her entrance. The quiet murmur of your own moan as your tongue moves up to circle her clit.

Lazy, slow, movements.

Then fast.

Like you’re changing your own mind too quickly.

You settle for writing words with your tongue.

babygirl, is what you spell out against her clit.

Your name. Her name. You connect them with a heart.

And then: mine.

Tara lets out a quiet moan as you take her clit between your lips. Sucking gently until her thighs are gripping like iron bars around the side of your head and her nails against your scalp bruise.

You give up on using the alphabet.

You slip two fingers inside her, sighing as she encases you. She’s tight and wet and begging for more.

You give it to her.

Curl your fingers up in just the right way. Lap your tongue over her clit just the way she likes.

And then she’s gasping as she tightens around you. She cries your name in a breathy moan as she cums hard around your fingers and mouth.

It’s always over too quickly, you think briefly as you reluctantly slip out of her. You need to learn patience. You need to learn how to tease.

But there’s something about her, and you don’t know how she does it. You just have to give her what she wants.

She lets out a happy sigh as you climb up her body and press your lips to her forehead.

She’s still a moment, but you know better. She recovers quickly.

In less than a minute she’s shifting.

You groan as your back hits the mattress.

Her hands slip down to your thighs, gripping you like she has an agenda. And she does. You know it by heart.

First, the gentle touch of her lips against your neck.

Then she’s sliding your underwear down your legs.

She kisses your lips, slips her tongue into your mouth for only a moment. And then she’s trailing kisses down your body.

Your chest. Your breasts.

She pays special attention to your nipples. Her eyes locking with yours as she sucks, ever so gently.

Your body feels hot.

You grip her face, holding her in place.

And then she’s nudging out of your grip, dipping down to press her lips to your navel.

She doesn’t kiss your scar, but you can tell she wants to.

She looks up at you, eyes wide and vulnerable as she squeezes your hips.

“You’re beautiful.” She murmurs. She ducks down and presses a kiss to the top of your inner thigh, “You’re perfect. My perfect girl.”

“Tara,” You say, voice a little gravelly, “Baby, please.”

She doesn’t make you wait.

One moment she’s pressing her lips to your thigh. The next, she’s dipping down between your legs. You lean back onto the pillows with a sigh.

Her lips graze.

She kisses your inner thigh.

Drags her tongue over your entrance and you gasp.

Then, her lips are on your clit.

You moan as she snakes a hand around your waist. The other slips between your legs. She teases for only a moment before she’s slipping her fingers inside you. You gasp at the sudden intrusion.

It’s not as though you’re not ready for it.

You’re so wet you’d give her a snorkel if she wasn’t such an experienced sailor.

But she rides your high seas like it’s her full time job.

Lips on your clit, fingers working in and out. She squeezes your hip with her free hand. Her talented mouth is like fire. Dancing around just where you need it most.

You close your eyes and let out a low moan.

She’s being careful.

Gentle.

Loving you like she doesn’t want to hurt you.

You take back the impatience. You take back the need for more, more, more.

Your sweet, loving girlfriend is all you need.

Gentle mouth. Careful tongue.

Her between your legs, working you into oblivion like sex is just a vehicle to express how deeply she loves you.

“Tara.”

You cum with her name on your lips. Her mouth fused around your lips. You cum feeling safe and wanted and needed.

And when she’s done, she climbs back up your body and presses the softest kiss to your lips.

Nestles herself with her head in your chest. Right next to your heartbeat.

Where she should be.

You close your eyes once more.

Thread your fingers through her hair. Press the softest of kisses to her forehead.

And then she looks up at you, her pretty brown eyes shimmering.

“Love you.” She murmurs. She punctuates her words with a kiss.

Your chest is heaving. You allow yourself the moment. Body thrumming with your orgasm, the love of your life pressed tight to your side.

Tara curls into you. She waits a moment, then looks over at you,

“I’m going to be better for you,” She murmurs, “I’ve put you through hell, baby, and I know that. But it all ends now.”

You frown.

“I’m in heaven with you, no matter what you’ve done,” You say, after a quiet moment, “After what we’ve both done. Right or wrong, I love you. And you love me. And that’s all that matters.”

Tara tilts her head to yours.

She takes your lips in a long, searing kiss.

She says what she can’t with words.

You say it too.

And when you pull back, you know she understands.

She’s yours.

And you are undeniably, irrefutably, entirely:

All hers. 

[envy-of-the-apple]

My affection for older!reader actually comes from the other direction!

I'm still pretty young by modern standards but the march of time is relentless, you know? I'm hitting these birthday milestones and it's like "damn I once thought people this age were OLD"

Especially in the context of a yandere, I WANT to relate to the nearly-40 reader who is still so desirable that hot young Gojo is literally going insane for her. Part of the fantasy of a yandere IS being so desirable that it's actually a problem. Feels awesome to think Gojo would see me so many years older and still get heart eyes.

It's one thing if the reader and the character are BOTH young, I don't mind that, but 28 year old Gojo and 18 year old reader just has me feeling the same way I felt about Leonardo Dicaprio and his 25 year thing. Like damn. I guess only teen girls are desirable and all women should fantasize about being teenagers haha :')

Don't get me wrong, teen girls get so much shit, and I want them to live their dreams in fic, but like. No reason it has to be set when Gojo is 28.

thats a part of the reason too! ages 16-25 (ew) are the beauty standard for women and once you're past that age you're sorta....trash. its so refreshing when older women are finally being sought after for the beautiful creatures they are (granted I write that not in the most healthy way but its the thought that counts). Like i'd rather read a story about two mid-aged office workers falling in love rather than a college romance. but we rarely ever get that. if anything its always a sick mix up where a middle-aged office guy falls for a 20 year old intern and his old hag of a co-worker (shes the same age as him) keeps getting in the way ughhh disgusting.

also, ive seen a lot of 30+ readers say they enjoy my content because they can relate to being that age instead of trying to picture themselves as still in college. For all my lovely older readers im gonna try my hardest to accommodate yall too!

[omorinintendoswitchedition]

2, 3, 7, 8, 9, 10, 12, 14, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, and 26 (My question is just say something about them you want to say)

For whichever character/characters your want

woweee this is gonna be a looooong post

2-Favourite thing about this character

Doing this for Dante. The Dr Faust cutscene, or to be more broad I love his silly attitude and his stupid jokes. Made this series iconic and funny and gives him a personality.

3-Least favourite thing about this character

For Dante this would probably be the ‘if you were 18 i would date you’ joke from the first episode of the anime. This really rubbed me the wrong way and its kinda weird to say that to a kid you just met???and ooc for him???

7-Whats something the fandom does when it comes to this character you like?

Actually give the girl characters time to shine instead of just making them sexy eye candy. And the silly family dynamics between the Sparda boys.

8-Whats something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you despise?

the fucking Vergil dodges child support and is a ‘sigma based alpha male’ homophobe. i hate it so muchhh even though the meme is dead it still annoys me so much when i see people still think its funny.

9-Could you be roommates with this character?

I probably could be roomies with people like Dante and Nero and Kyrie. Id probably get a little annoyed at Dante for constantly being in debt and gambling but we could survive. Do not think I could be roommates with Vergil. that man does not know how the oven works.

10-Would you date this character?

fuck yeah I would date Dante.

12-What's a headcanon you have for this character?

Nico is the kind of person who drenches everything in ranch. She buys the ranch ice cream a lot and it makes Nero loose his shit every single time. She drowns her chips in ranch and Nero looks at her from across the table like shes murdered someone

14-Assign a fashion aesthetic to this character.

Hrngh fuck im not a fashion person. Do kinda see Trish getting into gothic fashion tho.

20-Which other character is the ideal best friend for this character, the amount of screentime they share doesn't matter?

Nero and Nico are the perfect best friends duo. Always got each others backs, always making fun of each other lightheartedly. I want more of them sooo badly you have no idea.

21-If you're a fic writer and have written for this character, what's your favorite thing to do when you're writing for this character? What's something you don't like?

its been decades since I have last written anything in general. But I do remember Dante’s dialogue being fun to write for me and I dont like everything else because im constantly worrying if something is ooc

22-If you're a fic reader, what's something you like in fics when it comes to this character? Something you don't like?

Its been decades since ive read any dmc fic either (get caught up in other things) but as mentioned earlier do love those family dynamics and the attempts to fix everything. Dont like when Vergil os portrayed as ice cold after dmc5.

23-Favorite picture of this character?

FUCK THIS IS SO HARD. I do love the capcom cafe art with dante and his tits out. the teppen card art is also pretty cool.

24- What other character from another fandom of yours that reminds you of them?

So considering the only other fandom I am in is about depressed teenagers trying to overcome their trauma its safe to say none. I guess Kel somewhat for Dante? Only cause theyre silly and have older brothers who like blue.

25-What was your first impression of this character? How about now?

When I first saw V back when I knew absolutely nothing about dmc, I thought he was edgy and didnt really like him (the video used the ‘what evil lurks I must destroy’ clip out of context). But now that I have played and beaten the series I must say V my poor guy hes an absolute menace.

26-FREEBIE QUESTION!!

no idea what this means!!!!!so im just gonna make up a question!!!!

26-Would you work for this character?

ABSOLUTELY NOT DANTE HAS NO BREAD!!!! and the job is like. insanely dangerous and im just an internet guy.

[thetonethetollandthethunder]

Scythe chapter 16-20!!

Ayy we’re backk!! Let’s just get started shall we?

Chapter 16!!

-oh god the elegy—

-“Could you imagine me as a teenager?” OH YES I CAN OHOHO

-This also shows how much power scythes and especially Goddard has

-And also shows how bad of a scythe Goddard is as well

-Scythe Curie makes a good point that also relates to the toll, in which it doesn’t matter if they kill Goddard or anyone like him because another with the same ideology will always come along without fail

-this chapter didn’t have much but it IS good so ykyk

Chapter 17!!

-OHHH ITS THE MOMENT THAT EVERYONE LOSES THEIR MINDS OVER!! SCYTHE FARADAY IS D-D-DEAD or is he? :) :)

-Rowan instinctively trying to protect Citra!!!

-it makes sense for most disabilities to be nonexistent but that doesn’t mean I have to like it :/ like idk why the way it’s done is just :// especially as a disabled person myself

-The way the describe Faraday’d death is already suspicious if you already know he isn’t dead but when you’re first reading it, it does make sense!

-OH AND THE SEPARATE TRAININGS BEGINS!!!

-“If I ever take on an apprentice it will be for a different reason entirely.” OHOHO I KNOW I KNOWWWW

-Again not much to say BUT still rlly good!!

Chapter 18!!!

-Part 3 begins!!

-SCYTHE CURIE!!

-Again I always forget the names of these places, falling water is a very pretty name!!

-Citra being angry about Faraday’s death OUGH, she’s rlly going through 5 stages of grieve style

-Could you imagine ppl in the future calling our decor and shit old fashioned? Bizarre

-I love how they make Curie instantly charming and likable with only a few scenes, good writing man!!

-What hobbies would other scythes have? I wonder…

-Fun fact, i cannot drive, tried to learn and crashed the car, oh how I wish driving wasn’t necessary like in scythe

-Giving us little notes about the comfort scythes can give

-We hear a lot about being stagnant in the Scythe universe, and like, yeah, if you were in this utopia wouldn’t you grow stagnant even quicker than most? You have nothing to do literally

-You can really feel how observant Curie is, she noticed the small details

-Jesus even Curie’s yelling scared ME and I already knew what was gonna happen! She’s rlly intimidating—

-Gotta uphold your image!!

-“Another Scythe might have exacted a punishment far worse.” *COUGH COUGH GODDARD*

-Again shit names!! Barton Breen??? What??

-20 kids,, Jesus,,

-You can Curie’s own version of compassion, it’s different from Faradays yet still wonderful

-She did find her own way of gleaning!!

-Again FUCK Goddard!!

-I do wonder what would happen if Citra was trained by Goddard instead of Rowan…

-“Immortality has turned us all into cartoons.” GOD THAT LINEE

-Amazing chapter!! Told a LOT abt Curie!!!

CHAPTER 19!!!!

-Oo!! I thought this moment happened in Thunderhead but I misremembered!!

-Tho I THINK something similar happens??? Idk maybe my memory is fuckin with me ushejdj

-ALSO DAMN CITRA!! Pushin girls in front of TRUCKS holy fuck!!!

-Hate the eating descriptions!!

-TELL THE MOTHER YOU TWO!!! LIKE CMON??

-Cindy lmaoo, whenever someone whitewashes Citra im gonna call it Cindy instead <3 spite

-“err on the side of respect.” LMAO love that line

-RONDA ROADKILL IM DYINGGGGGG and so did she! (Temporarily but yk)

-“Can i throw you under a truck some other time?” She’s a busy person! I’d totally throw Citra under a truck! Would be fun!

-Morals change when theres little consequences, Citra would never even CONSIDER pushing Ronda in the mortal age, but since people can just come back it doesn’t seem like such a bad thing, it also shows how the concept of empathy and morality has changed in this society

-“the cloud” like icloud! Guess apple won in this world!

-“The machine had a purer soul than any human” NO IT DOESNT IVE SEEN AI ART YOU CANT FOOL ME!!!

-FUCK YOU SCYTHE GODDARD!!!

-OO TIME FOR CITRA TO INVESTIGATE!! I remember LOVING this plot so!!!!

Chapter 20!!

-Rowan finally!!! I missed you!!!!!

-He doesn’t wanna kill Citra!!! The beginning of his devotion to her UGHHH

-god hes only 17, I think we forgot how young these characters are, they really are just kids being pushed into this horrible situation god,,,

-“His was a life without substance, and now it would end.” God and here we see Rowan’s iconic self deprecating “emo” moments, people make fun of these scenes a lot but I fucking love em, it really contrasts Rowan and Citra. Citra has people who love and care about her, Rowan doesn’t, he knows that (in this moment) if he died no one would really care or remember him, so when he finds Citra, someone who does care about him and would care if he died, he clings to it. I mean when you’re that neglected and want SOMEONE to care even a little about you, wouldn’t you do the same thing?

-He already wants to change things!! And he will!! He will change a lot, though not as much as his girlfriend!!

-VOLTA!!

-“So is there a reason why you choose your robes to be the color of piss?” HA one of my favorite lines!!

-“the Change” god their ideology—, the fact they’re all thinking that they’re changing things for the better really shows how convincing of a man Goddard is, GOD i hate him!!!

-Ans here we have Goddard’s MANY parties

-my sensory issues would hate this

-I accidentally spelled Goddard’s name as Goodard which…Isn’t that so Ironic?

-“Bimbotech” Neal I’m BEGGING you to stop

-“Rowan wondered if the man had a diamond-studded bathing suit in his waredrobe as well.” He would because he’s a vain prick!!

-HES UNDERAGE STOP GIVING HIM ALCOHOL!! *Looking at you RAND especially ya creep—*

-“He was lucky if they even remembered to get him a gift” rowans parents man,,, He was really fucking neglected man it’s so awful, and the fact he still cares about them despite that GODDD

-See how goddard bend the rules? See how he twists them to make them fit what HE wants? Yeah, he’s gonna do that a lot; again, fuck you Goddard

-ESME!!! Shes backk!! And he’s right! She’ll be important!!

-GOD this is a good chapter, rowan my beloved!!

And that’s it!!! Next time will be chapters 21-25!! We’re going so fast aren’t we?

[sanchoyo]

arc v 22 - 30 thoughts!!! whew these eps. set up stuff is important. also, good masumi yuzu moments.

-my god. yuya literally accidentally taking yuzus polymerization card from her and making it his thing when she practiced so hard with it. FUCKing apt metaphor for how I feel she should be the protag and shes being robbed of her role (im sorry I genuinely have nothing against yuya but shes so much more interesting to me! she feels like a classic protag!) im glad he gave it back at least…I was afraid she'd refuse it for some reason…

-I do love yuyas random ITS SHOWTIME english. tmm moment. (theres a lot of random english mixed into this series actually and it always makes me like :D!!! lol I understand!!! hehe)

-uhhh the tall fortune teller lady trying to look at yuyas fate fr and the glass ball SHATTERING AND BREAKING IN HALF IS PROBABLY BAD, THOUGH.

-24 gave some veeeery interesting implications. yuto tells yuzu fusion is the 'enemy' and weve SEEN a synchro (guy on motorcycle, so I assume synchro at least) fighting yuto too!! so. oh my god it is all the dimensions vs xyz. WHAT DID XYZ DO. THATS MY FAV CMON!!! -also very um. interesting in the implications of gx and 5ds being on different timelines I think since the implication is theyre pulling from diff dimensions all at once, right? (possibly diff timelines on top of that, since im p sure even tho I havent seen him, that ive heard arc v kaito is Kind of a Different Kaito from Zexal Kaito. whatever that may mean. canon/timeline divergence???? im SO confused LMAO I thought 5ds was a straight shootoff from gx/dm! I know zexal makes things a bit fucky since I think it implied 5ds didnt Happen, but?? before that I assumed it was a straight line...am I wrong tho...(dont actually answer I wanna figure it out on my own..)

-masumi!!!! being a BOSS at dueling and her two lil dudes being SUCH hypemen for her. we love itttt

-idk if theyre setting shun up as a bad guy or whatever or deeply traumatized. but everytime he xyz summons im like yessss king slay (but not my girl masumi!!!) 16400 attack monster!!!!! with an epic fire bird!!! im obsessed w his aesthetics if nothing else. kinda epic hes putting ppl in cards actually to draw reiji out and wants to take him hostage. i think i side with him bc hes at least cool about it. if youre gonna be morally questionable your vibes better fuck severely, and his do.

-yuzu kinda having a hotgirl summer moment by falling in love with an emo version of her bff LOL get it girl!!!

-oh shit LMAO REIJI STRAIGHT UP SAYING 'no my dad doesnt give a shit about me, taking me hostage would not work' with a straight face!!! DUDE U OK. this IS ygo so daddy issues come standard with every character but CHRIST. and shun being like 'wtf do u mean' HE SAID IT OUTRIGHT DUDE. DONT BE DENSE.

-shun getting told by reiji 'i have ONE condition' then WALKING AWAY BEFORE TELLING HIM and shun being like HEY?? dude this guy has been assaulting ppl/trapping them in cards and ur just?? walking away??? reiji has massive balls and is so funny (I know its more intended to be a cliffhanger, but its ygo. the solution is gonna be to do a series of duels, of course)

-junior, jr youth, youth in the tournament, so being like, little kids (I assume like 5-12ish?) then middle schoolers 13-15? then the youth class beng teenagers up to 18? thats my assumption bc 'pros' seems to indicate adults, and pros arent in the tournament. reiji specifies this is a tournament to find 'spears to fight' for him. WHY are you using CHILDREN instead of pros dude??? christ with your resources theres no NEED for that right???

-but hes fighting his dad and claims to be on the same side as shun, which. surprised me ngl. reiji team xyz!!!! win for the gays everywhere!!! and he has daddy issues!!!!!!!!!!! king.

-honestly, it raises the question of who the 'good' guys are in this battle? reijis up to use child soldiers and to work with a guy who is willing to trap ppl in cards. yet yuto made a point to say its bc they lost friends and want to protect ppl. we dont know what the other side is fighting for. it FEELS like both sides are willing to do Whatever Morally Grey things they need to, which is SUPER interesting. I mean, we havent SEEN the other side at length yet! except sora, who it was on SIGHT for when he saw yuto! so I'm willing to bet hes got the same 'whatever it takes' attitude…I want to know WHYYYY theyre fighting!!!)

-theres a duel school where idols go to learn to duel??? THATS SO CUTE. mikiyo naname ilu i know ur gonna show up ONE time but cute design

-no one told yuya hed be doing the lil pre-tournament speech!! yes he might want to be an entertainer but my god anyone would be anxious with like zero prep or warning! tf nico

-one of the announcers says juniors solid vision ar stuff is 'very soft like a sponge' why the hell is all of it not like that?? its fine for anyone over like 13 to get injured dueling ig! lmao!

-omg masumi being like 'tf are u talking abt shun has always been on our team' GASLIGHT GATEKEEP GIRLBOSS MOMENT LMAOO (or some level of brainwashing, who knows, it IS yugioh)

-its refreshing to see some good parents in ygo who are involved for once, lol, all the kids parents there to watch them duel and cheer them on is sweet!

-layra is like. Deeply Traumatized and just seeing the councilwomen sends them into a PANIC I need to run into traffic to protect them (the subs call them a boy but?? quick google says girl so for NOW I'm being neutral w pronouns until further confirmation from the show ig) they were up there with reiji earlier too! tf are u making a traumatized child duel for dude! losing favor points with me very quickly reiji. putting ppl into cards is nbd but traumatizing kids? no. gotta draw the line somewhere man

-ayu's deck is aquarium themed!!! my god thats SO cute all the kids have rly cute themes. but she forgot she cant attack on turn one…girlie thats the basics…(everyone was cheering her on for the mistakes and encouraging her which is sweet tho)

-then its extra sad when ayu loses and still has ppl comforting her and being sweet and layra having NO ONE ???? EXCEPT REIJI WHO JUST OFFERS (1) HEADPAT. also 'niisama' yeah I expected as much, ygo rival Standard. give ur sib a HUG or something. (maybe theyre touch adverse, I dont know. they do seem. Deeply Traumatized sjfkjnkh)

-lmaooo sora and yuzus friendship Continues to grow on me. his pic of her in his contacts is her smacking yuya with her fan! and she calls him to be like 'YOU BETTER COME ROOT FOR ME OR ELSE' i love how she combats his very wishy washy noncommittal attitude…he says its bc hes her teacher but cmon u guys are friends, prob more than anyone shes soras friend fr by now right?

-YESSS YUZU MASUMI DUEL theyre both doing great I LOVE their dynamic in my mind THIS is what a ygo protag and rival should feel like (sorry to reiji, but he just doesnt feel rival-y enough yet to me!! cannot even explain it) the gay instinct to have a rival. the whole 'im better than you' attitude, the fiery competitiveness…wanting to prove them wrong, the thinking abt them so much u can predict their moves..its SO spicy. then the giving of the red rose card after getting saved by yuzu…masumi? are u perhaps. fellow gay?

-despite all of my efforts sora is growing on me. hes SUCH a brat and is honest about it (and doesnt rly do the whole fake cutesty thing as much as Id expected he would) I think hes actually been as honest as he can, maybe? like I assume theres a good reason he hasnt told the others hes..involved in some kind of?? inter-dimensional battle?? situation??? Im not entirely sure I think hes gonna be a full out traitor or anything, but the others will prob be upset when they find out he's been withholding info…but I 100% think hes some kind of child soldier who BELIEVES his side is right, just like im sure shun feels real justified sealing ppl into cards! (and unlike shun we havent SEEN sora DO anything bad yet. I just kinda think he HAS based on his deck being so creepycute and him not being straightforward, but again, him continuously asking if he was even allowed to be teachign yuzu stuff makes me think hes taking orders from..someone...) him so mad shun didnt stick around to see yuzu's duel was so funny. I dont WANT him and yuzu's silly lil friendship to end! im attached now! even tho I KNOWWW hes sus! :(

-in the crowd you can see ppl wearing cute duel monster accessories, like one girl had a dark magician girl headband/visor thing! very cute, wish we saw more things like that. in pokemon anime they do that a lot and its always such a delight…I want more duel monster cosplay moments! or references in charas outfits!

-ok yuya being the damsel during gongenzakas duel while yuzu is the one yelling, telling gon not to worry is……furthering my idea that yuzu is main chara and yuya is in the position of side character of different gender than main character (who is often a damsel or person to worry over the most). hes the anzu/kotori of the show. to me. JKJSDH (also, gongenzaka, is perfectly nice and fine but its so hard for me to care deeply about him aaaahg even with the episodes centered around him…hes so straightforward and steady, tho. good for him.)

-….the guy who gongenzaka's dueling should be disqualified. he had his goons try and jump yuya! god why isnt he automatically disqualified! doesnt the broadcast pick up audio?? he like, admits to it!

-....is shingo supposed to be yuya's rival actually, instead of reiji? ...he doesnt feel like a rival either though!!! or if he is it feels one-sided!!! yuzu was more ready to fight him than yuya was!!! jkahjkf anyway that duel is up next episode which I wont start tonight...but I'm excited to see more shingo. bc I think despite his best attempts at being a threat hes super silly actually...

[miumiucowboy]

how i ruined my perception and idea of love

this is going to be pretty hard for me to write, and please bare with any grammatical errors etc as i am writing this just as the thoughts enter my head. maybe a video would be better but its almost 3AM and I have to be quiet. here is some context, im 18 years old, cis male and gay. all of my school life i was either bullied or made to feel uncomfortable in my sexuality, and this established a strong disconnect, especially in later years of high school, between the other guys and me. whilst i have female friends, its almost hard for me to feel like i fit in in either of this realms. besides my best friend who i would give the entire world too. i think its kind of important to note too that my father is, to be frank, emotionally unavailable, and my mother who has passed an array of her own problems onto myself, and she is emotionally manipulative and unstable, screaming and me, abuse to next second non-stop affection and love. btw, in no means is this me being like 'omg im so abused and mentally ill and no one wants me' like that victim complex stuff annoys me so bad, im just trying to figure out some emotions, but yeah i feel like that is important context. around my eighteenth birthday last year, I began seeking fulfilment off older men from the forbidden app (none of my friends even know about this) as a way to kinda fill a void of affection within me. ultimately this has totally destroyed my perception and idea of being loved. i'm currently talking to the cutest boy from brazil, and he is the first boy who I have ever genuinely been interested in getting to know on a deep level, ive never felt this way about anyone before so im trying to sort myself out for his sake and also because I really really really want this to work. i want to be loved so bad. i constantly crave validation from him, otherwise I feel as if he is loosing interest and for that I blame my mother - constantly trying to work around her unstable emotions, to stay in her 'good books' otherwise hell would rise. this is one of the biggest regrets in my life so far, is always catering to the what she would want. its always at the forefront of my mind and I feel as if she controls me in that regard. i also become way way way too attached to people who show me the smallest amount of attention just because I really am so lonely. im currently at university and this is a whole other thing but the loneliness is insane, especially when you see friends doing so well socially, and of course im happy for them its just hard because I feel like my teenage dream and expectations vs what I have done are so far apart from each other and I feel like im wasting my youth away. im also scared that i am unable to associate love and sexual desires with one another, and im scared that this is going to happen with this new guy. my entire mindset around love is ruined. idk what to do this isn't even all I wanted to say but its actually so hard for me atm so im going to stop here. i just hope that this works out between me and davi I really really really pray that it does

[iminaworldofpureimagination]

nonconherent rambles about my thoughts on life is strange chole price hate vids (to be clear.. i don't hate her so please dont thrown stones)

out of bordeom i was listening to youtubers talk about the issue chole price from life is strange a game my sib and i played some years ago (MAN IT GOT DARK it was so dark i didn't want to replay it lol ) it had been years since iplayed it and while i remember liking the blue hair girl i was like hmm i'll see if you have any fair points.

so these youtuber seem to think she is the / worse character/ terrible person/ a horrible friend and her sympathic backstory adds nothing. .

Now I do agree she could get annoying/ wasn't the best friend ever / ever and was rather stupid i vaquely recall being annoyed at how often i had to keep saving her.. but i remember growing an attachment towards her.

snarky characters aren't for everyone but having enjoyed damien wayne/jason todd isnt im not about to hate a 18 year old kid with trauma ..

the reason i felt like talking about this is it got me thinking to people saying how everyone loves meanspirited/assholes/terrible male characters rick sanchest/ bojack horseman (a personal fav of mine) but females doing bad things=horrible character who everyone hates. but is that way? well probably but harley quinn is well liked right?? and she does so much fucked up shit.. that has gotten people killed. so i think theres more to it than that

i kind of think that some people are just rather shrug off /annoyed by child/teenage characters they paint em doing stupid shit as immature brats in general who need to be more mature when they don't act more responsilbity.. despite being so young.. .. ive seen it done with aang from atla and i cant help but think people do this to teenagers too.. i mean to me 18 is a kid.. (over 30 here ) and fandom isn't always kind to fiictional kids. (adults who have done worse often get excused but fictional kids/teenagers? nope.. just labled they should know better..)

its a really annoying problem in fandoms

[behindbrowneyezz]

12.5.22

Honestly, I keep putting off blogging because i know that when my dad gets free time...a sick thought in the head. Instead of just reaching out to me like a normal father, he decides to go stalk my social media accounts.  I've always wondered how he does this...im sure if its not some program he has discovered, then it probably is from katies page. Able to see all my pictures. The statuses i post. I don't mean just on here. in fact i dont even know if here can see this. BUT I do know he has checked my Facebook before, I know this from now 3 different relatives that have warned me about this. Somehow almost 3 years ago, he was able to see a very intimate status i had posted about my thoughts on him and the rest of my RELATIVES going to meet for lunch. Right in my area and didn't bother to send me an invite. Now I know very well most of them cant stand me. In fact i know none of them love me but my brothers, which im not upset about at all. We dont exactly come from a world full of wonderful humans. Each of us have HUGE skeletons in our closet. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. The only difference is that i’m super open about the fucking mess of a human I am! I dont hide it. I wear it on my sleeve every day. Some days more then others. But it drives them all nuts. I cant help that i love to talk, that i feel like people that claim to love me...would be curious on what goes on in my head..but they truly hate it. they wish id be silent. a sober, silent, YES MAM kind of broad. But even as a kid i had this fight or flight mode that never got turned off.

You see, i got molested a lot as a real young toddler. YES TODDLER, i didnt really ever think it affected me much. SO i never really spoke about it. I always told myself that somehow it just didnt affect me so what was the point in bringing it up. It wasnt till i was 17 years old and started drinking that it started to come a problem. Once I started drinking heavily, i started to remember things i had went many years ignoring. If you were to ask my father about this he would probably say that he think i’m lying about it. I dont care. What sick fuck would i be if that i was lying about something so serious. It was his stupid ass that got a druggie pregnant 3 fucking times and let her teach us ridiculous things. I never thought that id lie to my dad as a teenager. But as EVERY teen does, of course there were days that i lied. he was miserable, mean, and hardly interested in anything my brothers and i had going on. SO DUH YES i lied many days about many weird things so i didnt have to see the devil come out. BUT i can tell you ive never lied about the assaults ive experienced. In fact, ive been so honest to myself over the years about it because its the only way that i know that i’m going to DO BETTER. I was raised by and raised around nasty awful lairs themselves. For years i would blame myself, my broken brain for these moments..not realizing i had to understand that at those times..i was a CHILD. no one was there to fully protect me. My dad worked his ass off to always make sure we had a roof over our heads, which thank GOD for that....but wow does he hate me for all those years he lost. SO now he lives a life of ignoring where he came from, a life where he chooses to ignore the first human HE helped create because im ‘DIFFCULT” imagine. imagine thinking your job is over as a parent at 18 because you kicked her out for smoking pot and tossed her shit in trash bags....then moved states for a woman your children dont even know much about. Imagine right?

Well that's my reality. YES ive made a million mistakes....and you know what else? I’m probably going to make a million more throughout my life. BUt for some reason my father feels like i’m the only one hes relalated to that doesn’t deserve forgiveness, kindness, grace, and most of all love. Maybe its my fat ass mouth hes scared of. Maybe he truly hates the human i am. Maybe it IS easier to not have me around....but imagine treating your child like FAMILY is everything..work hard. play hard. and hold on tight because life is wild...all just to ignore them for the rest of their lives. Thats why i get so heated when he decides to just check on all my social media accounts. that coward cant even call or text me??? his ego is so big he truly thinks thats okay? he cant let me have a space where i can be myself and not have to worry about that ass hole reading every god damn word i say? if you hate me LEAVE ME BE. its actually not that hard. he has very much have shown me that. I DO call eveyone my relatives now because those people arent my family. granted some of them i have personally pushed away, but i dont feel bad about that. they chose to be who they are and i’m choosing to TRY to be better then what i was taught. They havent ever been MY family. they are my fathers family and they can very much keep it that way!! Lmfao, a coward AT BEST. i miss the man he was when i was a little girl. THAT man was a man of honor, love, and tough as nails. the person he is...now?...A soulless coward is what he is now. 

Soulless. Coward. 

Maybe he was always like that, maybe people will hate me for calling him that, but i can assure you hes said much worse things about me. Imagine loving to bash your own children to people that wouldnt be at your funeral. Imagine being at a dinner or a family gathering and then deciding to just try to convince everyone around you that your children are a mess and YOU had zero to do with it. Hes just embarrasing at this point. I cant imagine how that man sleeps at night, i dont understand how he looks at himself in the mirror and thinks ‘Wow chris you did great today’.

Maybe he was always this human, maybe I never truly saw him until i started to see the world more. I’m not sure. I hope that's not the case, i really dont. He was my hero, my world, he was the reason i didn't hate myself or life for so long. I really loved that man more then I could ever express. I thought we would be going to concerts, making family meals, and gossiping about women for the rest of my life. I always thought hed be in my apartment judging my things and fixing up anything i couldnt myself. I always thought wed be sending eachother new music we were obsessed with and sneaking off to a good happy hour spot. I truly wish i could talk to my younger self and tell her that its all fake. Dont enjoy those moments. Stop asking him to go to concerts,beg to move in with one of your grandmas. NEVER pick up that bottle. Man how different my world would be now if i had been able to. I dont hate him, i feel sorry for him. because one day, just like my birth mother, he will be dead and will have to see all the wonderful moments he has had to miss out on. HE has MY most precious gift on the planet and he uses it as a TOOL to brag to strangers about how much of a saint he is. Imagine right. Lets all pray for this man. When i saw him last he gave me a crockpot full of candy and hugged me once. that year he got everyone really nice gifts but me..in his words to one of my relatives “If its not on the list, i wont get it” . that year he must of felt like he HAD to ‘make an appearance’ as he used to love to say about life things when i was a child. Imagine, hating your one and only daughter so much you throw her a crockpot and then leave and never answer your phone to her calls or texts again. Ill never understand why he thinks people should all be chasing HIM for the rest of their life and he doesn’t have to give any love in return but SHEEEESH what a toxic trait. I probably wouldn't be so angry, so hurt if it hadnt been for all the wonderful parents out there that constantly give their children grace. Mind you, my grandma is one of those parents. Hes in his 40s and still calls her at least 4 times a week I’ve been told. So you'd think he had learned from the best. Lets all laugh together. my little girl self will always miss him dearly, but the woman i’m becoming sees a very different human. Maybe hes not even human at all anymore. Just a hallow shell trying to survive another shitty day on this shitty planet. 

They call this the Devils playground, i think they just may be right.

[matryosika]

shoot me, chapter VII

pairing — changbin x reader

rating — 18+

genre of the overall series — smut, angst, fluff if you squint

prologue chapter I chapter II chapter III chapter IV chapter V chapter VI

word count for this chapter — 5.3 k

warnings — angst, softdom!changbin, female masturbation, dirty talk/suggestive dialogues, piv, unprotected sex, very descriptive but fluffy smut.

note — here it is, finally! this has been probably my favorite chapter so far and i completely loved the smut scene for this (because i am a hopeless romantic). i really hope you enjoy it, and please leave an ask in case you want to leave me a positive message! they really do motivate me a lot to keep on writing.

also, i have a ko-fi, in case you are interested in tipping my writing! it is not obligated, of course, but i would treasure every tip forever!

taglist: @cozyblues @ahgasearmyfan @binnie-m00n @minaamhh @pinkishwen @spilledtee

*

as soon as the two of you stepped into changbin's apartment the whole energy that had been building up since the wedding event started to unleash itself. just like two teenagers experimenting together for the first time, changbin's hands dragged themselves along the sides of your body hungrily.

"this looks so good on you" changbin panted, the touch of his hands leaving a burning sensation on your skin even though it was still covered with the fabric of the dress.

"mhm?" you hummed, hooking your arms on the back of his neck and feeling how his longing gaze fixed on your lips. "mhm" he replied in the same tone you did, "all of the dresses look good on you, but this one..." changbin sighed with accelerated breath as he took a step back to admire your whole body "you look like a goddess".

a small smile appeared on your face as you felt changbin's embrace, his lips crashing into yours again on a sloppy but passional kiss "worship me then" you jokingly gasped in between kisses.

changbin's face froze a few centimeters away from yours while a smirk appeared in the corners of his lips "i was already planning on doing so".

one of his hands left the edge of your waist and traveled all the way to one of the pockets on his pants, pulling out a red little box. "what is that?" you asked in confusion, your heart skipping a beat or two while your face sank in the crook of his neck, kissing and softly biting his skin.

"my father helped arthur in choosing the wedding rings" changbin explained, making your whole body take a step back from him "so?" you replied.

"i saw something that reminded me of you" he said, offering you the tiny box.

with heavy breathing you accepted the gift, a little bit overwhelmed. a trail of thoughts were unraveling inside your mind: why did he buy something to me? and why is he giving it now in the middle of this? he took it to the event hall since he had it in his pocket, but what could it possibly be?

your fingers managed to remove the adhesive on each sides of the top, almost chuckling at the awkard silence that was formed with only the sounds of panting and heavy breathings filling the whole room.

it was a necklace.

an expensive one, if you dared to say.

"what is this for?" you inquired, holding the fine gold chain that had a medal with the face of an unknown person engraved in it "you saw a charm of a random man and thought of me?" you mocked him.

his fingers danced around the chain you were holding as he took it away from you, his body shortening the distance that was created a few seconds ago "i didn't say the necklace represented you" he mumbled as he hooked the necklace on your neck "think about what it really means".

your confused mind went blank as soon as you felt his lips peppering kisses on top of the chain and in your neck, softly biting and caressing the skin on your chest as he played with the charm. unconciously, your head fell slightly back to give him more access. "i don't get it" you moaned, feeling how his hands danced around your back while they slowly unzipped the dress.

"you will" he replied, his lips tracing your bare skin as you were undressing for him "does that feel good?"

"mhm" you chanted, feeling how the kisses he was leaving along your abdomen and thighs only made you wetter. your hands traveled to his hair, caressing it as your legs threatened to stop working at any second "funny how this is not the first time seeing you kneel in front of me" you joked, letting out a sigh when you felt the tip of his digits tracing the skin of your legs.

"i would be anytime on my knees for you, all you have to do is ask" changbin whispered.

the dress finally landed on your ankles and you stepped out of it to fully remove it, slightly smirking at the wise decision of wearing a fancy set of lingerie for the ocassion because, deep in your mind, you knew that this day was going to end up exactly like this: with you and changbin together.

changbin licked his lips while he admired your body from head to toes, his gaze fixing immediatly in yours. that gaze was exactly the one he had given you the first night you met him, and the first night you slept together. the gaze that, even though he had seen your naked body countless of times, was always present.

you couldn't help but squeeze your thighs together at the feeling of your cheeks burning in embarrassment "are you going to stay on your knees watching me all night?" you inquired, still working hard to keep the eye-contact even though your heart was probably going at a million miles per hour. the funniest part was that, even if you two had fucked a 100 times now, this time felt completely different. more concious, if you dared to say.

"this is my way of worshipping you" he said, his lips slightly parted as his hungrily gaze toured every inch of your skin "don't you like being admired?"

"i would prefer other ways of worshipping" you shyly teased in an attempt to relax yourself from the nerve-wrecking emotions you were starting to feel "let's say, a million dollars"

"if i could, i would buy you the entire world just for you to destroy it" he mumbled while caressing your legs and, with that statement, your heart started to feel as if it was sinking in your insides. the man who once represented everything you hated was kneeling in front of you and willing to act as you pleased, yet, that didn't meant anything. that didn't make you feel powerful.

what made you feel powerful was him. owning you.

a couple of seconds in silence passed by as you watched him in awe. he was sure of what he was doing because you couldn't catch a glimpse of hesitation in his eyes. if anything, his gaze was nothing but honest.

his lips lost no time in making contact with the skin of your legs again, leaving a trace of kisses in the opposite direction as before. "if i destroyed the whole world, you would be included there" you sighed, repressing a whine once you felt his teeth and lips softly marking the skin on your hips. "do it" he panted as his hands touched the soft lace beige panties you were wearing, his lips now focusing specially on the exposed skin of your breasts leaving kisses on your chest "i would bear it for you"

his lips crashed into yours once again, this time slower. his taste was intoxicating and, no matter how many times you kissed, you just couldn't get enough of it. his tongue grazed slightly against yours as he parted his lips more to softly bit on your lower lip. "can we take this somewhere else?" you asked in despair, mostly worried about the fact that your legs could give up any second now.

changbin made you feel things you hadn't experience before and, even though it frightened you to a certain extend, it made you curious. "you have been expecting this all night, haven't you?" he smirked against your lips.

"have you?" you replied, tilting your head. if there's one thing that you loved to do was to tease him by answering his questions with more questions. however, changbin couldn't stand that.

"yeah, i did" he muttered, his fingers playing with the strands of hair that fell all the way down the sides of your face "you have no idea all the things that crossed through my mind the moment i saw you standing next to the altar in the church"

you pushed his body slightly "you have such a perverted, unholy mind. can't even hold back in such a sacred place" you joked, feeling changbin's gaze dragging itself all over the features on your face.

"y/n, you are the only holy thing i would get on my knees for".

he had such a way with words, but the ones he was particularly chosing tonight made your heart feel a sincere warmth that you hadn't experience before.

and it was making you nervous.

"just take me before i regret this" you mumbled, your arms once again hooking behind changbin's neck. his body descended slightly and soon you felt his strong hands caressing the back of your thighs, inviting you to climb into his his body "do you regret any of this?" he asked.

your body was pressed against his as he carried you, your legs crossed and resting in his lower back. the way his arms wrapped around your fragile body reminded you how this was actually the first time you felt small.

you had always been the big girl. the big girl who had to deal with her abusive household, the big girl who had to defend her mother from her emotionally unstable father, the big girl who watched her mother go from man to man until she decided to settle, the big girl who was not allowed to ask for anything because life hadn't given her enough.

but as you smelled his scent and felt the warm of his built arms around your waist, the world started to feel big for a used soul like yours. you smiled with half-lidded eyes, your breath getting caught up in your throat.

"no" you whispered, your breathing mixing up with this.

"no?" he repeated, his hands playing with your back "that's it? you are not going to answer my question with another question?"

"no" you replied, shaking your head from side to side. one of his hands left your back to hold one side of your face, stroking slightly the soft skin of your cheeks.

your lips traveled once again to the crook of his neck once he started to walk with you to his room. with each step, your core rubbed against his clothed abdomen and you couldn't help but to let out small whimpers every time your bodies grazed together "so i assume you have been expecting this all night" he teased, his bulge growing every time he heard those sweet sounds escaping your lips.

you didn't reply but, instead, started to bite softly the skin of his neck as you felt his figure descending into the bed. his hands softly traveled to your back, unclenching the top part of your underwear as his digits traced the lace beige fabric on top of it "you wore this for me, right?" he inquired.

you gave him a soft smile "you will never know, changbin". as soon as you finished that sentence, you let out a small gasp when you felt his cold finger rings caressing your nipples as they got hard under his touch.

"i have always loved how sensitive you are" he muttered, pinching and stroking them ever so slightly. compared to other times, you could clearly see that changbin was holding back a lot of the instincts that usually arise from him during sex and, as much as you loved him being rough with you, you were curious as to what you could expect from him tonight.

he licked his lips before making contact with your hardened buds, earning a quiet moan from you as your head fell slightly back "does that feel good, y/n?"

you swallowed and nodded "mhm". the mixture between the feeling of his lips against your body and the sound of his voice pronunciating your name was something that you were definetly going to engrave in your mind forever "look at all the mess you are making in my lap" he muttered, your gaze falling on his black formal pants.

before you could apologize, his fingers traced your slit over your panties. he held his fingers coated with your escence that were glistening due to the light that emanated from the window and, without parting his eyes from yours, he licked your arousal off his digits. as you witnessed the scene, a spark of electricity traveled around your body and into your core.

"you always taste good" he whispered "you have a tight grip on me, do you know that?"

you tilted your head and smirked "is that a secret?" you inquired.

"i wish it wasn't" changbin replied as you felt a pinch in your heart. even though what happened in private with him was something good, it wasn't supposed to be happening at all and both of you knew it.

before any more words could be spilled between the two of you, you leaned in for another kiss. your hands toured his body desperately, helping him get rid of the clothes that were now the biggest obstacle between both of your bodies.

his chest and back were already decorated with a light layer of sweat and that only fed up the friction in between your bodies. the way your nipples rubbed against his chest every time you leaned in for a kiss had you on edge and moving your hips against his bulge, trying to let him know that you couldn't keep up with the foreplay anymore. "you can't wait?" you shook your head, the sound of your accelerated brething revealing what you couldn't put into words.

"turn around" he ordered, lifting up your legs from his lap as he was sitting at the edge of the bed. you got up from your previous seat and caught a glimpse of a big mirror that was strategically placed in front of you.

"you re-decorated your room?" you teased. last week you had been there but that mirror wasn't around.

"i have a lot of ideas, actually" he answered, his head rolled slightly back to see your figure standing in front of him. soon, you felt [and saw through the mirror] both of his hands bringing your body closer to his lap again, only this time you were facing the mirror instead of him. taking advantage of the position you were now in, he kissed the skin on your back as he managed to get you out of the last piece of clothing you were wearing.

"it isn't fair" you whined, looking at the mirror "i am naked and you still have your pants on"

changbin's eyes fixed on your reflection, admiring your body completely as if it was the first time he had seen it "you already made a mess on my lap, it's okay if you keep on doing it" he provoked.

his hands guided you to sit on him again, spreading your legs open in front of the mirror. you didn't really took the time to think this whole thing through but, as soon as you saw your core completely exposed and changbin's facial expressions as his hands toured your whole body, your cheeks turned completely bright red.

"what?" changbin asked, smiling every time you let out small gasps as his digits traced your slit, avoiding that place where you needed him the most "do you feel embarrassed?"

"i feel exposed" you answered back as you let out a faint laugh.

"look at yourself" he demanded against your skin, his eyes admiring your body as his digits made contact with your bundle of nerves that was pulsating with desire "look how beautiful you look for me".

even though your eyes wanted to shut close due to the pleasure and shame, you tried your best to appreciate your body under his hold "i can't believe you are completely mine" he groaned, his digits moving in circular motions against your clit making you moan.

"yours?" you asked in between sighs. changbin's gaze was darker than usual and that only made you clench harder against thin air. he smiled, again showing that cockiness you utterly hated.

without saying a word, he thrusted one of his digits inside you. you whined at the sensation, feeling again the coldness of his rings against your warm core "you want to know how i know that?" he inquired.

you moaned again when you felt the finger tips of his opposite hand brushing against your bud "look at me" he ordered, immediatly making you look for his dark gaze in the reflection of the mirror. after a few seconds, his face held a victorious smirk "your body sells you out every damn time, y/n". you licked your lips at the confusion, only to be interrupted by a loud moan once you felt the pace of his fingers inside you matching the one with his digits against your clit "the way you clench around my fingers only by looking at me betrays you"

"you are still this cocky, changbin?" you asked in between moans, your eyes fixed on the way changbin's figure took care of you.

"you are still lying, y/n?" he replied while leaving faint kisses against your shoulders. "you look so small underneath me, you know that?" all he got from an answer was a soft moan, but he still continued "look at how gorgeous your body looks when it's being touched by me"

your hands rested on your breasts as you twisted and pinched on your hardened nipples, the tension on your lower back increasing as well as the pleasure you were receiving. "you always take me so well, it makes me proud"

a small cry left your lips at his words, knowing that your whole body clenched around his finger tips harder than usual at the praise. he didn't say anything, but the smile that he had on his face revealed that he definetly felt it. "my y/n, there is not a part of you that i don't find pleasing"

his words, combined with his touch, were definetly sending you to cloud 9. by the way your whimpers were starting to sound and your hips desperately grinded against changbin's touch, he knew that you were close. "do you want to be good for me, huh?" he questioned, his eyes admiring the grimaces of pleasure you made.

"mhm" you moaned "please don't stop, changbin".

your head rested completely on his shoulder and, as much as changbin wanted you to look at yourself in the mirror, he noticed that the position was rather perfect to help you chase the orgasm that you dearly longed for. "even when you are like this" he whispered in your ear, the tingle of his hot breath against your skin making you squirm under his arms "too fucked out to even keep your eyes opened and too filthy to even be considered a saint, i think you are the most beautiful"

"changbin" you gasped loudly, your back arching your back as it withdrew from his chest, your juices coating completely his fingertips "that's my good girl" he grunted, feeling how your walls violently clenched around his digits "you are doing so well, y/n"

again, you clenched even harder at his words once you reached the highest point of your orgasm. your eyes were completely shut that you swore you could see a night sky filled with starts, the sensations of pleasure wrapping every single part of your body as the only thing you could think of was changbin.

"thank you" you whispered with broken words and teary eyes due to the overwhelming sensation you just had experience. even though you had cum countless of times with him, this one felt different.

"you took me well" changbin replied, peppering kisses in your cheek as your breathing stabilize itself. this was not his usual self, but you would be lying if you said that you didn't like it.

as soon as you reincorporated on his lap, you saw your reflection in the mirror and a smile appeared across your face. your messy hair, your rosy cheeks decorated with tears and your still trembling body that was being roughly held by changbin's arms was such a sight you would never forget.

"come here" he said, getting you up from his lap as he stood from the bed too. with swift movements, he unbuckled his belt and got rid of the remaining clothes in his body. you couldn't really help but to stare at him, his soft caramel skin and the way his veins stood out in his arms was something that had always drive you insane.

carefully, his hands guided you to rest your back on the soft mattress, feeling a sensation of comfort as soon as you smelled the bed-sheets that had their scent imprinted all over them. "what else are you going to do to praise me?" you joked.

he leaned in to start kissing your chest and breasts while your legs automatically hooking around his waist and resting on his lower back "see how your body reacts to me" he groaned, biting softly your skin without too much strength since pain was not something he wanted to inflict on you today.

with eagerness, you squeezed your legs again around him, his cock making casual contact against your wet core "do you want me?" he asked.

you looked at him with lustful eyes as he rested his body on his forearms, and you couldn't help but smile. "i am here, that should tell you everything you need to know"

changbin's gaze fixed on the necklace he had given you a few minutes before and started peppering kisses against your skin, but he didn't reply anything to that.

one of his hands guided his cock inside you, letting out a groan once he felt your tight warm walls welcoming him "you always makes me feel so good" he panted, melting at the sweet sound of your moans.

his pace was slow and more delicate than usual, but you couldn't deny that you loved it. the way his hips softly slammed into yours while his pubis brushed against your clit with every thrust had you seeing stars "fuck changbin" you cried.

"you are doing good, y/n" he reassured, both of his hands looking out for yours as he placed them on either sides of your head "your pretty body can take my cock so well"

once again, you clenched at his words "you like that, don't you?" he whispered.

"mhm" you hummed "your voice..." a small whimper left your lips when you felt his pace increasing, but the softness of each thrust was still there "i love it when you talk to me like that"

"yeah?" he asked, almost in a chanting manner "do you like it when i tell you how good your body reacts to me, y/n?"

you squeezed your legs together once again, forcing changbin deeper into your tight cunt "fuck, yes".

the way he was holding your hands as he pounded you was something you found oddly intimate, but you liked it. this felt more than a casual session of sex, but you couldn't quite understand what was the thing that made it different tonight.

"changbin" you whimpered.

"yeah, baby?"

"no one has ever made this feel good before" you admitted, melting at his gaze. "god, you feel so good inside me"

"i know, princess" he replied with a heavy groan, leaning further to place a kiss on your forehead "no one can make you feel like i do".

both of your bodies were tired, but the passion and intimacy that was built inside that room was something that you two had never experience before. the way his breathing was getting caught up in his throat and the way your whines and moans were starting to sound louder than before only indicated that the both of you were ready to let go.

and all of the sudden, an unconcious sentence left your lips in the middle of the intimacy

"don't leave me".

changbin's body slightly tensed up at your words and you cursed yourself mentally for saying such a thing out loud. however, his gaze transmitted you some sort of comfort "i'm here, i'm not going anywhere".

his lips approached yours in a kiss, repressing every single pant or moan that you two could possibly emit. the pace on his hips increased too, desperate to make you feel completely good "i am so close changbin"

he let go of one of your hands as his digits found your bundle of nerves again, rubbing it just like before and adjusting the pace of each thrust to make sure you were getting nothing but pleasure. your back arched once again, your chest rising to meet his body.

"you are so precious" he moaned "i can never forget the image of you cuming all over my cock"

again, the knot unraveled at his words. both of your arms hooked around his shoulders and back as you held his body tightly, your finger nails sinking into his skin as he cursed under his breath due to the pain. "please cum inside me" you pleaded in a broken whisper "i need you to fill me up"

those words were the push he needed to let go as well, painting your inner walls white as he held your trembling body tightly "y/n" he moaned, feeling how your hips grinded involuntarily against him in an attempt to get him deeper "you are such a goddess".

a smile appeared into your face as your eyes found his again. "i know, you told me that before"

"i will never get tired of telling you"

after some time and few attempts to catch his breath, changbin got up from his bed and looked for a towel to clean the mess he had made in you. while he did that, you laid down thinking about everything that had happen: everything he said, everything you did, the necklace and the eerie sensations you felt throughout the night.

but since you had promised yourself to let go for the night, you tried to push all those feelings away from your own good.

"do you want to take a bath?" he asked as he dragged the towel along your inner thighs.

"i want to sleep" you admitted.

"with me?" he teased "are you really planning on giving me the honor?"

"don't make me regret it, fuck"

and just with those words, he got into his own bed with you. the warmth of his body was familiar to you, but you had never felt it like this before. your body curled up against his while your face rested on his chest, noticing how it went up and down every once in a while.

"achilles" he mumbled out of nowhere.

"huh?" you asked in confusion, your head separating from his chest so you could look at his eyes.

"think about it"

but you didn't want to think about anything. you just wanted to sleep next to him, feel his body leaning against yours while you felt his embrace throughout the night.

"maybe later" you replied, yawning. your head once again fell into his chest and changbin couldn't help but smile.

even though he was a succesful man at such a young age, this was the very first time he ever felt lucky and fortunate. and even though you slept safe and sound next to him, he spent the whole night thinking about the words that left your lips.

please don't leave me.

*

the next morning, changbin dropped you at arthur's house with the promise of taking you out for dinner later that day. even when you refused twice, changbin ended up convincing you. you wanted to go, but the rational part of your brain kept trying to contradict you.

you stepped into the house wearing the same clothes as yesterday, only now you were wearing a new accessory gifted by no other than seo changbin. achilles, you thought as you closed the front door.

you were exhausted from last night and, at this point, all you wanted to do was to run upstairs and into your bed. as you walked through the hall, a small smile escaped from your lips by recalling the events of the previous night.

"y/n" a voice interrupted, making you turn around in your heels.

"you got married yesterday" you mumbled, looking at the figure of arthur standing outside of his studio-office-whatever the fuck that room was. "aren't you supposed to be at your honey moon by now?"

"care to explain this?" he inquired, completely ignoring you or what you said. as he held his cellphone in front of you, your body turned into ice and your knees felt extremely weak.

"what are you doing with that?" you asked, defensive. as he swiped through his gallery, things got worse and worse.

"better yet, what are you doing with him?" he replied "i can finally see what your mother taught you"

"this isn't about her so don't even dare to bring up her name" you snapped back "how did you get those pictures?"

"changbin, really?" he frowned his eyebrows, "i really thought he would be interested in... any other kind of woman"

"what i do or not do is none of your business" you muttered, looking directly at the series of pictures that captured the moment you and changbin left the event hall, kissing and fooling with each other.

"he is a smart man, y/n" arthur intervened "if he hasn't realized that you are no good for him by now, he will". tears started to prick into the corners of your eyes, but you would be damned if you let him see you in a vulnerable state "do you love him?" he asked with a tint of smugness in his words.

you didn't reply.

"even if you just appreciate him as a...." he looked at you and then at the cellphone, in dispair "friend, i would reccomend you to be the bigger person here and just stay away from him"

"this isn't your call to make, arthur" you groaned "stop trying to control everyone else's lives just because you couldn't control mine or hyejin's.

"i am not sure if you are aware, y/n" he said, walking around you and into the hall "but the wealth of changbin's family depends on me". you crossed your arms, still trying to think about anything that would stop you from crying in front of your father "do you really want him to throw all the effort he has made throughout his life just for a whim of yours?"

you bit your lower lip.

"i am going to be in europe for two weeks" he added as he signaled a bunch of suitcases that were by the door "i want you out of korea by then, since you only came here for the wedding". he approached you with careful steps as his rough fingers held the necklace changbin had given you the night before "i want you out of his life too, for good. he has a commitment with me and the company, and i don't want you intervening in that"

he looked at the charm and then at you as you stood there completely frozen "i truly hope you had enjoy your time here in korea" he added with a bright, cynical smile as he walked to the suitcases.

it wasn't until you heard the front door going off that you started sobbing uncontrollably in the living room floor.

you had ruined everything, and you had ruined it big time.

what started as a game to get back at your own father ended up being an emotional set up for you, and you were not sure how to fix it.

[bbysamu]

It ain’t Me - a series   

✎ Featuring: KUROO Tetsurou x you 

✎ Now Playing:  It Ain’t Me by Kygo & Selena Gomez 

✎ Genre: Angst 

✎ Word Count: 1,573 

✎ Preview: You and Kuroo are high school sweethearts, you thought your love was as strong as whiskey, burning and sweet. What happens when adult Kuroo develops a bad habit of clubbing too frequently and you find it harder and harder to reach him? 

Ch. I 

Ch. II

Ch. III

Ch. IV

Ch. V

Epilogue

a/n: no underage drinking please, don’t hinder your brain growth

♫I had a dream We were sipping whiskey neat Highest floor, The Bowery And I was high enough♫ 

“shhh, you have to be quiet babe, we’re not exactly allowed up here”, your boyfriend whispered as he pulled you up, guiding you to the rooftop. You nodded, slowly steadying your breath. 

The dark sky was empty with the exception of the half covered moon and some stray stars. Today was you and Kuroo’s second anniversary, your relationship lasting much longer than typical high school romances. Kuroo had texted you today saying he had a surprise for you. 

And the said surprise was a late night picnic on the school’s rooftop surrounded by big fluffy pillows and dimly lit candles. 

“when did you have time to organize all these?” 

Kuroo smiled proudly, “I had the boys bring over some spare pillows and Lev and Kenma hauled them up here during their free period”. You smiled at the image of the two boys bringing up pillows to the roof, giggling at the thought of Kenma complaining as he climbed the stairs to the roof. You made a mental note to thank the two tomorrow. 

Kuroo gingerly picked up your hand and led you over to the picnic blanket. The two of you quickly settled down, his arms around your waist, as you laid your head on his shoulder, talking about both everything and nothing. 

Kuroo suddenly brought out a bottle of light honey liquid. 

“Happy 2 years to the love of my life.” He said, delicately pouring the golden liquid into a small glass.

“only one glass?” You raised your eyebrows.

“of course, you’re not 18 yet!” 

“I’m literally turning 18 next week and you just turned last week!” 

“exactly! no underage drinking in this relationship.” He smiled cheekily at you before taking a swing at the liquid. You laughed out loud at his expression.

“ew people actually like this stuff? my throat is literally on fire.”

“wait, let me try!” 

“okay.” 

And instead of handing you the glass, Kuroo leaned in. 

You smiled as his tongue met yours, giving you a taste of the sweet whiskey. 

And that’s how the both of you will always remember your second anniversary, the empty night sky and the sweet, burning taste of whiskey. 

In the years since high school graduation, the two of you have settled into a comfortable pace, no longer the young teenagers, but hardworking adults in a cruel society. The honeymoon period was a distant phase, but that didn’t mean the love between the two of you dwindled. 

You shot a quick text to Kuroo. His lack of response brought a frown to your face. You tried to call him for the third time, this time directly reaching his voicemail. You sighed at the thought of him pressed up against another body and glared at the laptop in front of you. 

Halfway across the town, Kuroo stepped into the dimly lit club in a pressed black button up and some black pants. He lived for nights like these, the mingled bodies on the dance floor and the beautiful ladies. 

Kuroo loves you and he’s been warned by Kenma a bunch of times but he just couldn’t help himself. Kuroo knew you hated the club but he could never bring himself to stop coming. Week after week, especially since you started being asked to work overtime, Kuroo found himself and some of the boys at the club, drinking and dancing with the girls in the short skirts and bodycon dresses. 

Yamamoto wolf-whistled at the sight of the girls walking by, “dang, look at that girl in the black mini”. 

Kuroo whipped his head around and checked out her long legs and low-cut dress before turning to Yamamoto, “I need a drink first”. 

Yamamoto shook his head knowing what this meant. A drink then another was what Kuroo needed to numb himself from the growing guilt eating him away every time he was at the club. With enough alcohol, Kuroo was always able to convince himself he did nothing wrong as he gripped the waist of another woman, his lips on hers. 

He winked at the bartender and a shot was served up. The burning, sweet liquid brought him back to that picnic on the rooftop. He shook his head, chasing away the memory and shot a smile at the girl in the back dress, before making his way over to her. 

♫Somewhere along the lines We stopped seeing eye to eye You were staying out all night And I had enough♫

It was a little past midnight when you made your way over to Kuroo’s apartment, spare key in hand. You knew he was probably at the club, but he promised he’d be home around midnight. Things have been tense between the two of you lately. You sighed at the memory of your fight last week. 

“What do you mean it was nothing?” You shouted, exasperated at the man sitting across from you. “She was all over you!” You sighed internally, tired of always fighting with Kuroo about his clubbing behavior. 

Kuroo shook his head, “babe, I told you, I literally pushed her away, but the video caught the seconds she came on to me before I could even react. I love you, you know that. Why would I ever want someone else?” Kuroo knew he had you by the way your eyes softened, he mentally winced at his lie, memories of making out with the woman fleeted by in his mind. He quickly pushed them away, the guilt barely lingering. Kuroo notices he’s better at doing that.  

“you’re the only one for me” He said pulling you into a hug, his words trying to convince himself more than you. Tired of fighting, you chose to believe him, after all who would you believe, your boyfriend of five years or a 10 second video? 

The turn of the knob brought you back to reality. You smiled at the thought of his surprised face when he comes home to you later. You quickly changed into one of his spare t-shirts and settled down in his bed. “12:30 am” your phone read before you drifted off to sleep. 

♫ No, I don't wanna know Where you been or where you're goin' But I know I won't be home And you'll be on your own ♫ 

The soft light of sunrise woke you up earlier than your alarm. Your body feeling unexpectedly light as you turn to face the empty space. You thought you would wake up to a Kuroo cuddling you. 

“6:27 am” and no notifications on your phone. You got up, unable to sleep anymore, anger and frustration bubbling at the lack of communication from your boyfriend. 

You look in his fridge, empty except for some leftover boxes. Despite your feelings of anger towards Kuroo, you made a mental note to bring over some groceries next time. You decided to make some tea, mindlessly scrolling through the news. 

A sudden click of the door got you looking up from your phone to see two figures, one unfamiliar, the other as familiar as the back of your hand. 

“You know we could just stay at my place. Why’d you have to insist on this weird coffee?” 

You knew exactly what coffee the female voice was referring to. It was the same one you got him from Vienna that time you studied abroad and he’s been hooked on Viennese coffee ever since. 

You heard his voice, “once you taste it, you won’t ever be able to go back I’m telling you”. 

“where’d you get it from?” 

The two figures stepped into the living room just as Kuroo answered, “oh, just from a frie...” he trailed off as you entered into his field of vision. 

The colors draining from his face, the same look of shock mirrored on your features. 

The woman came into view a second after, confused, “wait, who’s this?” 

The look on both of your faces and the tension in the air got her scrambling to the door embarrassed, mumbling a quick apology on her way out. 

Smart woman, you thought. 

You looked at each other in silence. You took him all in. The ruffled hair, the faint hickey on the side of his jaw, the same black button-ups he wore to the club yesterday. 

Kuroo did the same. You standing across the room, dwarfed in a shirt he bought at nationals, a thousand hurts and emotions in your big tired eyes. 

You broke the silence first, too shocked and hurt to even register what had happened five minutes again. 

“I’m leaving.” 

“Y/N wait...” he reached for your hand and pulled you close. You recoiled as soon as you smelled the cheap perfume intertwined with the same whiskey he’s taken a like to after high school. 

“please I can explain.” He search your eyes desperately. 

You shook his hands off yours and quickly gathered your stuff. 

“I’m leaving...”

He cut you off before you could finish, “yeah I heard the first time, please just give me a chance to explain.” 

“you.” 

The shook on his face made it hard to look at him. You cleared your throat. 

“I’m leaving you”. 

You rushed past him, but not before he caught the glimpse of tears running down your cheeks. 

You realized Kuroo was like a bad shot of whiskey, burning, yet all signs of the sweet aftertaste disappearing. 

[css1992]

Guilty Pleasure

[Porn AU]

Summary: Peter and Beck used to be a power couple in the porn industry, but after Beck dumps him, Peter is forced to start over. With no money, no family and nowhere to go, he doesn’t have much choice other than to keep doing porn, so he joins Just4Fans to get back on his feet and then one day he gets a very generous tip from someone under the username of YKWIM.

Warnings: 18+, explicit, references to past non-con/rape (not between main pairing, not explicit), daddy kink, Peter in lingerie, references to gaslighting and abusive relationship (not between main pairing, not explicit). The warnings are for the story as whole, not for this chapter specifically. I’ll add more in the future, if needed.

Read on AO3

Part I / Part II / Part III / Part IV / Part V / Part VI / Part VII / Part VIII / Part IX / Part X /  Part XI / Epilogue

-x-

“He can’t do this!” Ned slammed his hands down on the counter between them, as Peter took a swig of the cheap wine he bought with the last ten bucks he had in his wallet. “He isn’t even in all of the videos, at least half of the money is rightfully yours!” He kept going, stating the obvious, but Peter just sighed and shrugged.

“I’m not disagreeing with you, Ned, I’m just relaying what he told me: he’s not gonna give me anything. It’s his channel, his equipment, the money from the subscriptions goes straight to his bank account, so it’s his. It’s all his. His words, by the way.” He took another swig of wine straight from the bottle. He had been drinking from a small glass Ned offered him – he wasn’t a pirate – but it soon proved to be too small to quench his pain, so. Yeah. Pirate style it was.

“You have to sue his ass, Peter, he can’t get away with this,” MJ intervened. She was sitting next to him on a stool by the kitchen counter, so he turned to look at her with a deep frown on his face.

“Did you not hear me saying I just spent my last ten dollars on this bottle of wine? I have, like, twenty four cents left in my pocket. And that’s it. I can’t hire a lawyer, I can’t even feed myself right now!” He raised his voice a little, but quickly got himself back under control and apologized. His friends were not to blame for his predicament – they did try to warn him Beck was bad news, he didn’t want to listen. “And you know what? I don’t give a fuck. He can choke on all of it if he wants, the videos, the money, the subscribers, I don’t fucking care.” It wasn’t true, of course. Well, partially. He really didn’t care about the money, videos, subscribers, etc, but he cared about Beck. He would have given everything else up if it meant he could keep him.

Which was stupid of him, of course. But he certainly wasn’t winning any awards for being a great decision maker.

“It’s still not fair. I mean, I knew that guy was sleazy, but you’d think he’d have the decency to at least give you something, you know? You’ve been together for three years, he’s been making money off your ass for almost as long. How could he just fucking kick you out and not give you a single dime? After all the money you’ve made for him? It’s fucking sick, that guy is fucking psychopath if you ask me.” MJ’s face was turning red from anger, which made Peter smile a little. It felt good to know he was loved by someone, even if he hadn’t been the best friend to them for the past few years.

The thought made him close his eyes for a second, guilt creeping over him. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d called either of them – maybe on Ned’s birthday, almost two months earlier. They used to be inseparable, the three of them; the three musketeers, as corny and lame as it sounded. For years, those two were the only family he knew, but when Beck came into his life, everything changed.

Stupid fucking Beck.

Peter used to think of him as his own personal super-hero – it did feel like he had come to save him, after all. They met when he was seventeen, he had been living in foster homes for almost seven years by then, after Ben and May passed away. At the time, he was with his fifth family, and there were so many children in that house, so many of them came and went, that their foster parents didn’t really keep tabs most of the time. It was easy to sneak out, and Peter did, often.

He met Beck on one of his night walks – and their first meeting should have raised all kinds of red flags, but for whatever reason, it didn’t. Beck slowed the car next to him, rolled down the window and asked how much Peter charged for a blowjob. Just like that. The teen gasped at first, but when he looked around for a moment, he realized he wasn’t in the most family friendly neighborhood. There were, in fact, some men and women around him who definitely looked like they were there for that, but Peter was in sweats, for crying out loud, and he definitely looked his age – or even younger than that.

His wide eyes must have given him away, because the older man quickly apologized and showed him a charming, white smile. He made up some excuse about mistaking him for someone else and the boy said it was ok. He was going to keep walking when Beck asked what his name was. Then how old he was. Then where he was going, where he ha come from.

Looking back, Peter knew he should have run. He should have left, because there was no excuse for an adult man like him to keep asking a teenager so many questions right after he basically offered him money to suck his dick. But that Peter, that 17-year-old boy, was still a bit too naive. To have such a handsome man showing interest in him – his kind, blue eyes smiling at him, warm and safe – was inebriating. He actually looked at him. And cared. At least Peter thought he did at the time. And he was so lonely back then, even that little bit of attention meant the world to him.

He should have run, but he stayed. Should have run, but got in his car. Should have run, but ended up giving him a clumsy hand job in the backseat, after just a few sweet promises whispered in his eager ears. Beck was so good with words, he could have convinced Peter to jump off a bridge that very same night if he wanted.  

They exchanged phone numbers. For weeks, they texted and called each other, until they could  meet again. By then, he was smitten. At twenty, he could see how innocent he had been, how trusting and open he was with a complete stranger. A 32 year-old stranger, at that. Ned and MJ, his only friends from school, warned him that it wasn’t okay. That it was weird for a man his age to be interested in a teenage boy, but Peter said they were wrong. He said he wasn’t just a regular kid, he had been through stuff they could only imagine. He was mature and experienced, and Beck could see that, which was why he liked him.

Looking back now, it was embarrassing how wrong he was. Beck was an illusionist. Sad thing was everyone could see the trapdoor but him.

“So what are you gonna do now?” MJ asked, fishing another bottle of wine from under the counter and placing it in front of Peter, who almost cried in gratitude.

“You mean besides crying myself to sleep for the next few months?” He wasn’t really joking. The only reason he wasn’t crying right at that moment was because he had spent almost three hours bawling his eyes out on a park bench close to their – well, Beck’s – apartment, hoping against hope that Beck would reconsider and come after him. When it became clear it wasn’t going to happen, he headed to the only place he knew he could find refuge – even if he didn’t deserve it.

“Yeah, besides that, obviously.” She opened the wine bottle and before he could take it and drink straight from it, she poured three glasses and Peter sighed, defeated.

“I have no idea.” He answered, only slightly surprised that he actually meant it. He had absolutely no clue what to do. For three years, he hadn’t had to worry about money – or anything, really. Beck took care of everything and he just assumed it would always be like that. That he would always have him by his side to take care of him.

He rubbed his eyes, taking a deep breath.

“Are you going to keep doing porn?” Ned asked, a worried expression on his face. Peter remembered he hated the idea when Beck first suggested it, as soon as he turned eighteen.

People are gonna lose it, Beck said. A pretty little twink and a hot daddy? We’re going to be a hit.

And they were. Their first videos blew up quickly, people were either disgusted by the thought of them together – because of the age gap – or completely enthralled. The haters helped them get more views, and Peter soon learned that there really was no such thing as bad publicity. Beck promoted their videos on twitter, where they accumulated thousands of followers. Peter remembered that, back then, many people sent him worried messages, saying he was too young, that Beck was a predator, that he was taking advantage of him.

In retrospect, they might have been right, after all.

He wasn’t too sure about doing porn when they first started, he knew once they released the first video, there was no going back, there was no way they could ever take it down – the internet was forever. Nothing was ever truly deleted. He wanted to be a dad someday, what if his children ever saw those videos in the future? What would have Ben and May thought? What about his parents?

None of this matters, honey, Beck assured him. These kids don’t even exist yet, don’t worry about them. And your relatives, well… They’re gone, sweetie. You can’t really disappoint them anymore.

So Peter did it. And he was terrified at first, he felt so exposed, people all over the world could see him in his most vulnerable moments, all of him, in every position Beck managed to put him in, in any outfit he thought the public might like, in any setting he thought might bring in more viewers, more subscribers, more money.

Soon, just the two of them weren’t enough. Their viewers wanted to see Peter with other people – other daddies –  and Beck saw another opportunity to increase his profit. Peter was strongly against the idea at first, it felt too much like prostitution, which was where he wanted to draw the line, but, again, Beck sweet-talked him into it.

It’s nothing like prostitution, honey, he said. I’ll be there the whole time, I’ll be the one filming and directing, I’ll be the one paying the other actors, all the profits are ours. How is that anything like prostitution? It’s just like what we’ve been doing so far.

So not only there were a bunch of videos of him and Beck out there in the world, there were also lots of videos of him with other men, some of whom were old enough to be his actual dad. There was even one video in particular that he was specially embarrassed by – and sadly enough, that was the most viewed one so far. It was fucking humiliating.

At some point, Peter should have realized it became all about money for Beck – and maybe it had been like that all along, he just hadn’t noticed before. Over the last few months of their relationship, they never had sex just for fun, just for the hell of it. There were always cameras, and lights, and roles to play. Beck never said he loved him anymore. Barely touched him. Barely kissed him. He should have seen it coming. He had been too blind, or just… Didn’t want to see what was happening right before his eyes. He ignored all the signs. The voice in the back of his head telling him something was off.

But anyway, porn. Could he still do it?

“I don’t know,” he answered, finally. He looked at his best friends and sighed with a shrug. “To be honest, it was never something I enjoyed, and I don’t know if I could ever do it without him somehow involved, you know? I did it with him because I felt… Safe? I don’t want to get involved in the actual porn industry, I’ve heard some pretty fucked up stories.” Peter had heard horror stories about other boys in the industry, and even though his own story was no fairy tale, there was nothing so bad that it couldn’t get worse.

“How about Just4Fans?” MJ asked and both Peter and Ned turned to look at her in shock. “What? You guys were pretty popular, right? You won awards and shit, so there must be at least a few hundred people out there who would pay money to see some dirty pictures of you, maybe some short videos. That way you won’t need to go into professional porn and you wouldn’t need a partner, but you could still make decent money. And fast.”

Well, it actually made sense. It wasn’t like there weren’t hundreds of videos of him being fucked raw all over the internet, anyway. A few dirty pictures couldn’t hurt. And besides, it didn’t need to be forever, just until he figured something out.

“That’s… actually not a bad idea,” he conceded, drinking the last of the wine in his glass. MJ sympathetically filled it up again and he mumbled his thanks.

“What do you think he will do now?” Ned asked carefully, and Peter shrugged for what felt like the hundredth time. There was so much he didn’t know.

“Probably keep shooting videos with his new boy-toy.” He managed to say it with a steady voice, but his eyes burned. He still couldn’t believe how… replaceable Beck thought he was.

When he noticed them interacting online a few months earlier, before the boy was even eighteen, Peter was alarmed, but when he confronted the older man about it, he said he was crazy and seeing things, picking up fights for no reason. He always twisted things in a way that, somehow, Peter was the one apologizing to him in the end.

Months later, just weeks after the kid turned eighteen, there he was – homeless, penniless and lost – meanwhile the other guy was probably getting comfortable in his bed. If Peter didn’t hate the kid, he would pity him. In a few years, he would probably meet the same fate.

“Do you think he would take the videos down if you asked?” Ned asked, and Peter scoffed.

“Yeah, right, those videos will still make him a lot of money monthly, he’d never delete them.” And Peter would have to live with the fact that he would always be just one google search away from complete humiliation and exposure. If he ever tried to get a serious job, those videos would stand in the way. If he ever managed to meet somebody decent and good, those videos would be a testament to what sort of person he was in the past. Fuck, some of them were really fucked up.

“So… Should we create fake twitter accounts to trash talk his short dick or what?” MJ was already grabbing her phone and Peter laughed halfheartedly, shaking his head.

“He’s not worth it. Karma will take care of him, I’m sure.” He drank the last of his wine and whimpered sadly. “So… Can I crash with you guys for a few days? I promise I’m not gonna overstay my welcome! I’ll be out of your hair as soon as the Just4Fans thing works out.”

“Of course you can, nerd, stay as long as you need. We’ve got your back, c’mon.” MJ got up from her stool and gestured for him to do the same. “Do you mind taking the couch?” She asked as she headed to her bedroom in the tiny apartment.

“Not at all,” he answered with a sigh of relief, then went to grab his suitcase by the door. Three years together and that was all he had to show for it. A single suitcase with a few changes of clothes, after being kicked out of the house on a cold February night. His eyes burned but he took a deep breath, blinking them rapidly to avoid the tears.  

“Then make yourself at home. Our casa es su casa.” MJ placed a pillow on the couch and handed him a thick, warm blanket.

“We’ll figure something out, okay?” Ned clasped him on the shoulder with a gentle smile on his face.

“Okay.” He sighed, feeling like a weight had been lifted off his crushed chest.

He waited for his friends to go into their respective rooms, waited to hear their quiet snores, before he allowed the tears to run freely down his face, replaying everything Beck said to him when he kicked him out.

Before he knew it, he was a sobbing a little, so he buried his face in the pillow to muffle the noise, as he tried to convince himself that things were going to be okay, that he was going to be okay. But at that moment, that was hard to believe.

[thetonethetollandthethunder]

Scythe chapter 16-20!!

Ayy we’re backk!! Let’s just get started shall we?

Chapter 16!!

-oh god the elegy—

-“Could you imagine me as a teenager?” OH YES I CAN OHOHO

-This also shows how much power scythes and especially Goddard has

-And also shows how bad of a scythe Goddard is as well

-Scythe Curie makes a good point that also relates to the toll, in which it doesn’t matter if they kill Goddard or anyone like him because another with the same ideology will always come along without fail

-this chapter didn’t have much but it IS good so ykyk

Chapter 17!!

-OHHH ITS THE MOMENT THAT EVERYONE LOSES THEIR MINDS OVER!! SCYTHE FARADAY IS D-D-DEAD or is he? :) :)

-Rowan instinctively trying to protect Citra!!!

-it makes sense for most disabilities to be nonexistent but that doesn’t mean I have to like it :/ like idk why the way it’s done is just :// especially as a disabled person myself

-The way the describe Faraday’d death is already suspicious if you already know he isn’t dead but when you’re first reading it, it does make sense!

-OH AND THE SEPARATE TRAININGS BEGINS!!!

-“If I ever take on an apprentice it will be for a different reason entirely.” OHOHO I KNOW I KNOWWWW

-Again not much to say BUT still rlly good!!

Chapter 18!!!

-Part 3 begins!!

-SCYTHE CURIE!!

-Again I always forget the names of these places, falling water is a very pretty name!!

-Citra being angry about Faraday’s death OUGH, she’s rlly going through 5 stages of grieve style

-Could you imagine ppl in the future calling our decor and shit old fashioned? Bizarre

-I love how they make Curie instantly charming and likable with only a few scenes, good writing man!!

-What hobbies would other scythes have? I wonder…

-Fun fact, i cannot drive, tried to learn and crashed the car, oh how I wish driving wasn’t necessary like in scythe

-Giving us little notes about the comfort scythes can give

-We hear a lot about being stagnant in the Scythe universe, and like, yeah, if you were in this utopia wouldn’t you grow stagnant even quicker than most? You have nothing to do literally

-You can really feel how observant Curie is, she noticed the small details

-Jesus even Curie’s yelling scared ME and I already knew what was gonna happen! She’s rlly intimidating—

-Gotta uphold your image!!

-“Another Scythe might have exacted a punishment far worse.” *COUGH COUGH GODDARD*

-Again shit names!! Barton Breen??? What??

-20 kids,, Jesus,,

-You can Curie’s own version of compassion, it’s different from Faradays yet still wonderful

-She did find her own way of gleaning!!

-Again FUCK Goddard!!

-I do wonder what would happen if Citra was trained by Goddard instead of Rowan…

-“Immortality has turned us all into cartoons.” GOD THAT LINEE

-Amazing chapter!! Told a LOT abt Curie!!!

CHAPTER 19!!!!

-Oo!! I thought this moment happened in Thunderhead but I misremembered!!

-Tho I THINK something similar happens??? Idk maybe my memory is fuckin with me ushejdj

-ALSO DAMN CITRA!! Pushin girls in front of TRUCKS holy fuck!!!

-Hate the eating descriptions!!

-TELL THE MOTHER YOU TWO!!! LIKE CMON??

-Cindy lmaoo, whenever someone whitewashes Citra im gonna call it Cindy instead <3 spite

-“err on the side of respect.” LMAO love that line

-RONDA ROADKILL IM DYINGGGGGG and so did she! (Temporarily but yk)

-“Can i throw you under a truck some other time?” She’s a busy person! I’d totally throw Citra under a truck! Would be fun!

-Morals change when theres little consequences, Citra would never even CONSIDER pushing Ronda in the mortal age, but since people can just come back it doesn’t seem like such a bad thing, it also shows how the concept of empathy and morality has changed in this society

-“the cloud” like icloud! Guess apple won in this world!

-“The machine had a purer soul than any human” NO IT DOESNT IVE SEEN AI ART YOU CANT FOOL ME!!!

-FUCK YOU SCYTHE GODDARD!!!

-OO TIME FOR CITRA TO INVESTIGATE!! I remember LOVING this plot so!!!!

Chapter 20!!

-Rowan finally!!! I missed you!!!!!

-He doesn’t wanna kill Citra!!! The beginning of his devotion to her UGHHH

-god hes only 17, I think we forgot how young these characters are, they really are just kids being pushed into this horrible situation god,,,

-“His was a life without substance, and now it would end.” God and here we see Rowan’s iconic self deprecating “emo” moments, people make fun of these scenes a lot but I fucking love em, it really contrasts Rowan and Citra. Citra has people who love and care about her, Rowan doesn’t, he knows that (in this moment) if he died no one would really care or remember him, so when he finds Citra, someone who does care about him and would care if he died, he clings to it. I mean when you’re that neglected and want SOMEONE to care even a little about you, wouldn’t you do the same thing?

-He already wants to change things!! And he will!! He will change a lot, though not as much as his girlfriend!!

-VOLTA!!

-“So is there a reason why you choose your robes to be the color of piss?” HA one of my favorite lines!!

-“the Change” god their ideology—, the fact they’re all thinking that they’re changing things for the better really shows how convincing of a man Goddard is, GOD i hate him!!!

-Ans here we have Goddard’s MANY parties

-my sensory issues would hate this

-I accidentally spelled Goddard’s name as Goodard which…Isn’t that so Ironic?

-“Bimbotech” Neal I’m BEGGING you to stop

-“Rowan wondered if the man had a diamond-studded bathing suit in his waredrobe as well.” He would because he’s a vain prick!!

-HES UNDERAGE STOP GIVING HIM ALCOHOL!! *Looking at you RAND especially ya creep—*

-“He was lucky if they even remembered to get him a gift” rowans parents man,,, He was really fucking neglected man it’s so awful, and the fact he still cares about them despite that GODDD

-See how goddard bend the rules? See how he twists them to make them fit what HE wants? Yeah, he’s gonna do that a lot; again, fuck you Goddard

-ESME!!! Shes backk!! And he’s right! She’ll be important!!

-GOD this is a good chapter, rowan my beloved!!

And that’s it!!! Next time will be chapters 21-25!! We’re going so fast aren’t we?

[yoditorian]

lacuna- part 7

din/reader

cooking is my love language so i made it rebel’s too (as ever, thank you to my love my life @brothersdrxke for being my shara) 💛 there’s rly only two more parts after this huh

series masterlist // main masterlist

word count: 2.7k

warnings: i don’t think there’s any swears in this one but just to be on the safe side, rebel has PTSD although it’s more suggested than actually experienced there’s a couple of moments that are shaky, softness and domesticity or just sadness?, sadness, the usual type of smut, 18+ no babies thanks

“No.”

At least Colonel Cintass has the decency to look surprised, he blanches when you show no sign of joking and sits up a little straighter. 

“If it’s a question of pay or location, both are negotiable. There’s academies all over the Inner and Mid rim, you’ll have your pick of the lot and a promotion if you accept.” He’s clutching at all the straws he has at his disposal, but you don’t budge. He huffs when you say nothing and asks, albeit agitatedly, what your plans are instead.

“Maybe I’ll go private. Pays well, I can do what I want-”

“There’s no glory in the private sector.” Cintass interrupts you, and your eyebrows furrow further.

“And there is here? If you joined up for glory, Colonel, I don’t think you should be calling the shots.” You’re right and you both know it. You’re all too familiar with the friends who’ve retired to find something quieter, and with the officers who spent their Rebellion days discussing facts and figures with politicians. People who’d never been on the front lines in the thick of it, never even seen a firefight, now in charge of fresh faced cadets and veterans with too many demons to feel like they belong anywhere else. You won’t stay here, not for any longer than it takes to pack your things.

You pulled out of Green Squadron the day after Shara told you she was retiring, the last of the original crew, you hadn’t wanted to fly any more missions without her. At least the Colonel heard you out and didn’t argue. He’d let you stay on as a temporary mechanic, while you figured out what it was you wanted to do. Although, now it’s clear he fought to keep you so he could get things in place to offer you a teaching job. 

It’s a good position, in all honesty. Miles better pay than you’ll get for the same job anywhere else, the choice to relocate to any of the shiny New Republic Navy training centres across the galaxy. But you can’t look a bunch of teenagers in the eye and tell them that this is everything they hope for. Not when the war chewed you up and spit you out the way it did. The scars on your back ache at the thought of it. 

Shara finds you in the hangar, loading up a couple of bags into your A-Wing’s pitiful storage compartment. All your belongings, your whole life, packed up and ready to go wherever you decide to take them.

“I don’t think you’re gonna be able to live in there.” 

“Ah, I’ll get a couple of hanging plants, maybe put up some curtains,” You smile at her from the top of the ladder, “Could be cosy.”

You know why she’s here. Not to talk you into accepting the teaching job, she knows you better than that. The idea was one she’d had right after she and Kes had found the old farm on Yavin IV, in need of a little tlc and a lot of patience, it was the perfect spot for them to raise their boy. And the little house further down the track, right at the edge of their land, was the perfect spot for you.

“I’m not saying you have to stay there forever,” She starts when you open your mouth to decline again, “I’m saying that when you need some solid ground under your feet, you don’t have to go looking for it.”

“Shara-”

“We’re family. You will always have a home with us.” It’s final. Non-negotiable. And something about the look in her eye makes you want to cry just a little bit. You think about the collection of scribbles tucked carefully away in one of your bags, the more recent ones at least are a little easier to distinguish as people. Four multi-coloured potatoes with legs. As far as little Poe is concerned, he agrees with his mother. 

You hop down the ladder and pull Shara tightly to you, maybe tighter than you have before. Because you’ve never really had a home, not a place you ever felt was worthy of such a title. But here she is, offering one to you like it’s nothing. 

“So, where are you off to now?” She asks when you finally have the strength to let her go. Both of your eyes are a little watery, but neither of you mentions it.

“Well, I turned down Cintass so it's up in the air. I’ve got some old contacts, so as long as they’ve forgiven me I can get a little income before I have to make any concrete decisions.” You don’t tell her exactly who the contacts are. Something about the way she raises her eyebrow makes you wonder if she’s already guessed where you’re going.  

It feels strange, guiding your A-Wing out of the hangar for the last time. You hope it's the last time. At least you had enough put by to get Green Four decommissioned and released to you, it might have been a little more difficult than you’d initially thought if you had to leave the ship behind. She’s old and you’ve put her through hell, but she’s yet to let you down.

You’re not overly surprised that your comm signal goes unanswered. You weren’t exactly the most gracious guest on your last visit. But you don’t get shot up on your approach, so maybe your old friends are feeling a little more amicable nowadays.

“Impressive.” Ran says when you hop out of the cockpit, helmet under one arm and a sheepish smile on your face.

“She used to be.” You know he’s already calculating how much he can get for it, or whether he wants to strip it for parts. Your heart aches at the thought of it but there’s not a lot you can do. If letting go of your starfighter is what gets you back on the team, then it’s what’ll have to happen. Even if it hurts.

Ran gestures at a couple of new crewmates, a Devaronian and a human, and you selfishly hope you won’t have to work too closely with them. There’s an insignia on the shoulder of the human’s jacket, one you don’t want to examine too closely for fear you’re right. He’s about to offer you your old room when the shooting starts.

The men are taking turns at a set of old side panels, blaster bolts melting the old steel on contact, and you know that. You flinch before you can stop yourself. Ran watches you suspiciously, but he says nothing. Before the war, you would never have even batted an eyelid at a little target practice. You probably would have been in the thick of it, laughing and betting and not watching your friends die over and over in your mind.

“You stink of soldier.” Xi’an sneers, although she means it more as an observation than an accusation. You don’t disagree, only shrug, and your hand hovers warily over your holster as you watch the shooting competition. Just in case.

“Where’s Qin?” You ask once your heartbeat returns to normal. Anger flashes across Xi’an’s face as Ran explains he’d outsourced a job a few years ago, and Qin hadn’t made it back. It’s unexpected, the odd way you find yourself a little disappointed. Even though he’d been cold with you on your last visit, even though you’d bickered and been at each other’s throats more than once. Qin had been a friend once, a lifetime ago. You suppose that’s exactly the problem.

“Are you still terrible at throwing?” Xi’an asks, and the awkward tension finally melts away. Her wicked smile returns and you find yourself mirroring it.

“I’m a little better.” You say. Although you’re still certain she’ll wipe the floor with you, it’s nice to see at least somebody around here missed you. It’s about as close to a confession as you’ll ever get from Xi’an. You’d be an idiot not to take the olive branch she’s so selflessly holding out in front of you. Maybe you won’t be so alone on the station after all.

Din’s wondering about you, some part of him always is, as he looks at the new pucks in his hands. A couple of humans, a mythrol, and a chiss. None of them should cause him too much trouble, but none of their last known locations are exactly close. He settles on one of the humans, last seen in the Yavin system, and tells himself it’s because he can stock up on supplies for some of the more long haul flights the new assignments will take him on. Definitely not because he could stand to be around people who might remind you of him, even just a little. Definitely not because he misses you.

Din watches you from across the market, chatting animatedly with a dark haired woman he’s half-certain he’s met before. The way she leans so casually, so naturally, against your shoulder as she laughs makes his ribcage ache. He wants that with you, always has. He wants to be able to take you to places like these. To hold you close in front of throngs of people and meet your old friends. He shouldn’t even be here.

The Armourer’s words still echo in his ears. He is responsible for the covert, their hardest working hunter. He cannot, should not, waste thought on times past. 

He shouldn’t be here.

But it’s too late.

Your eyes zero in on him, abandoning the conversation, and your friend follows your gaze. Din takes that as an invitation, slowly making his way towards the two of you in the shadow of a baker’s stall. The crowds part, as they always do, and for the first time he finds himself wishing they wouldn’t. You might have a life here, for all he knows. It’s been long enough. You deserve one, really. To have a home. To feel loved all the time, to not have to wonder. And then he’s there, in front of you, just staring. What are either of you even supposed to say?

A small boy peers around your hip, looking up at him in wonder. Too old to be yours, if he remembers correctly, but for a moment his heart seizes. You rest your hand in the kid’s curls, absentmindedly ruffling them. You’ve always fiddled when you’re nervous. 

“We should probably get home, but I’ll see you tomorrow?” The woman clears her throat, snapping the sudden tension into shards. Din’s careful not to cut himself on the edges. 

You nod enthusiastically, every language you know still lodged uncomfortably in your throat, and wrap an arm around her shoulders for a brief goodbye hug. She calls the boy after her as she leaves, their matching black curls bouncing when she heaves him up onto her shoulders.

“Shara,” You say, watching the two disappear into the waning crowd, “She teaches some of the older kids piloting basics. I help out when I’m here, mechanics mostly.”

“You find somewhere to settle?”

You shake your head. Give him some vague answer about drifting where the wind takes you. He doesn’t need to know you went crawling back to the only thing you knew before the war. It’s quiet for a moment, and even though you’re standing in the middle of the market, it’s as though you’re the only two people on the whole street. Din’s floundering for something to say, something to keep you here for just another minute, until you break the silence and save him. Just like you always do.

“When was the last time you ate something that wasn’t a ration pack?” 

Even with the way he treated you last time, you’re still showing him the kindness you always have. He’s still not sure he deserves it. 

“Yeah, that’s what I thought. Come on.” You take his silence as an answer, and start towards an alleyway between two buildings. Din follows you without hesitation, and the path opens up to a small parking lot half-full of different speeder models. You lead him to an older one, yellow paint faded and scratched, and drop your bag in the backseat. He falters a little when you climb in and gesture to the seat beside you.

“Unless you wanted to sit in the back.” Your smirk is warm, familiar. It hurts to look at. So he hops in and settles on the front bench because he’s not sure he can bear to watch you look at him like that much longer.

The little home down the dusty farm track is not somewhere he ever expected you to call your own. You’ve always seemed like you should be on a background of stars, a hyperspace lane, not somewhere this domestic. At least that way he wouldn’t be consumed, so suddenly, with a very real idea of staying. 

You just look so comfortable, bathed in the low light of the afternoon sun through the windows, pulling vegetables out of a fridge covered head to toe in kid’s drawings. The little boy from the market, presumably. And it makes his ribcage ache to know that this too, is something that’ll always be missing from his every day. He won’t get to sit at your kitchen table and watch you fuss over a pot of stew, or have you slide up behind him and kiss his shoulder as he follows your favourite recipe. 

It’s the best stew he’s ever had. Easily. The sun has disappeared behind Yavin, bathing the whole moon in an odd red glow as he eats. The helmet seems to glare at him from the middle of your kitchen table. You’d ducked into the bedroom to eat before he could even suggest that you take the kitchen. Another sacrifice you’ve made for him. What does that make the number now?

His gloves stay on the table while he washes the dishes, at his insistence. Although you’d put up a little bit of a fight. Din doesn’t bother to pick them up when he passes the table, when he appears in your bedroom doorway and you look up from your datapad like it’s the most natural thing in the galaxy. 

You’ve pulled the curtains, shut the world out, and the room is plunged into darkness when you flick the lightswitch by the head of your bed. 

You’re expecting the warmth of his skin on yours when he finally finds his way to you in unfamiliar space. He always sheds his armour so silently. You don’t expect him to take your hands in his, and raise them to the sides of his helmet.

The breath catches in your throat, you know he can hear it. His fingers tremble slightly over yours but he doesn’t waver. He settles them both solidly on either side of his helmet, and guides you for a moment. Your hands follow the rest of the way when he drops his to your waist, you set it carefully on the bedside table and turn back to him. He’s not stupid. He knows you can’t actually see him. But it feels like every barrier between you is finally, melted away. And Din can lay you back on the bed as himself. 

It’s strange to have him in a space that’s become yours. Knowing that in the dark his helmet is sitting on a bedside table next to a picture frame of you and Green Squadron. That he probably saw every drawing Poe’s ever scribbled for you stuck to your fridge. But you force yourself to forget that. You shove it right down until there’s no room in your head for anything but the way he’s clinging to you. Until he is all you know.

“Tell me you don’t love me.” You’re almost asleep when the traitorous words slip out. 

Oh, you think you’re clever. You think you’re leaving him no choice but to confess. You think this is where things finally, finally, start to go your way. They don’t.

“I don’t love you.”

No differently than if he was recounting the weather forecast. And it hurts. But you don’t have it in you to run, to cry, to be angry with him at all. Instead, you fall back down to press your cheek against the warmth of his bare chest, defeated. He holds you there until you’re sleeping.

-

TAGLIST (add yourself here):

@brothersdrxke @rebloogggs @keeper0fthestars @remmysbounty @sirianisrock @thevoiceinyourheadx @firstofficerwiggles @1800-fight-me @ew-erin @chatterbean

[skarsgard-daydreams]

Gravity Rides Everything

Description: For Mickey, survival was one thing. Recovery is another.

Warnings: angst, anxiety disorders, PTSD, references to sexual violence, references to drug use, references to gun violence, smoking, blood, sexual content, 18+

Note: This is a heavy piece that is set in an AU after the movie. The title is a reference to a song by Modest Mouse.

“I’m fine, baby.”

He had said it so many times that the words were worn and threadbare, no longer signifying meaning. Mickey sat on the couch in her apartment, his left knee bouncing with nervous energy as he brought a cigarette to his lips, ignoring the tremor in his hand as he took a long, slow drag. It was the one vice he would keep. A man couldn’t detox from all of his coping mechanisms at once.

She sat down beside him and folded the new jean jacket she’d bought for him to replace the old one after she couldn’t get the blood stains to lift from the denim. “Mickey,” she said, her voice gentle. “You’re safe.”

“I know, I know,” he said as though he didn’t believe the words. He covered his face with his tattooed hands and inhaled sharply, trying to regain control of himself.

“Come here.” She tugged on his arm, and when he didn’t move, she heaved his massive frame over to her, coaxing him to lay his head on her chest. He took a ragged breath as she grabbed the cigarette and set it in the ashtray beside the couch. She threaded her fingers in his overgrown hair, dragging her fingernails lightly over his scalp and down to the nape of his neck, where she let her hand rest, cradling his head. She thought he might try to protest again that he really was fine, that it didn’t affect him the way she thought it did, but his broad shoulders were shaking and he whimpered a little.

“Shh, baby,” she whispered, rubbing his back. “It’s over, okay?”

Ever since Mickey came home from rehab, the memories of their last score gripped him with a new ferocity—a side effect, she thought, of being unmedicated. She had argued with the condescending men in white coats until she wanted to scream that they had no idea what drug-seeking behavior really looked like. They had both lived it, falling down the rabbit hole of increasingly reckless decisions, chasing a high that always seemed out of reach. It looked like robbing convenience stores to pay off your dealer—not presenting to a doctor with a sixteen-year history of treatment for ADHD and anxiety disorders.

But she couldn’t say any of that out loud. They had been insanely lucky, not only because they survived, but because they hadn’t been caught. Mickey’s stint in rehab was the self-imposed intervention of a man who had outlived what should have killed him. The doctor finally agreed to a controlled-substance contract that required a drug screening before each refill and prescribed a dose of Adderall so low it would hardly have any effect on someone his size.

“I know,” Mickey said quietly. “I’m fine, babe. Don’t worry.”

But he wasn’t fine. She had first noticed it in the hospital, when he had started to hyperventilate because he thought the pneumatic compression cuffs wrapped around his calves were tying him down. She had tried to explain that they were there to prevent blood clots, but the nurse had to administer a sedative to prevent him from ripping out his IV and staggering outside to hotwire the first car he saw in the parking lot. Then, when they got home, he went for days without sleeping. She would wake up in the morning to find him still propped up in bed, watching reruns of Ancient Aliens as he fidgeted with the rings on his fingers, his eyes bloodshot from lack of sleep.

“Stop lying to me,” she whispered. “Stop saying you’re fine when you’re not. It’s okay if you’re not fine.”

There was something he wasn’t telling her. She knew him well enough to see the signs—the way he looked away when she asked him questions, the way he would idly tap at one of his lower canine teeth with his fingernail and say nothing at all. Whenever she had asked him what happened while they were separated during their shared living nightmare, he glossed over the episode. She knew it had resulted in him getting shot, but nothing else. Mickey laid down and put his head in her lap. He counted his breaths, trying to stave off a panic attack. She scratched his head again and counted with him until he was almost breathing normally. And then he confessed to her, with his face hidden against her thighs, everything that had happened.

“Mickey,” she breathed, her voice thick with emotion as her fingers stilled in his hair. She wanted to go back in time and kill that woman for what she had tried to do to him.

“Don't cry, babe. Nothing actually happened,” he said as though all of it was rendered null by the fact that his quick thinking had prevented things from going further. He stared at the muted television, and they sat like that for hours until he fell asleep.

Even after that night, Mickey insisted it wasn’t affecting him. But when they tried to be physical he would feel a pressure building in his chest until he couldn’t breathe, and he would have to put his head between his knees until the attack had passed. The memories were tangled together in his head—lips smashing against his mouth, hands skittering over his crotch, bullets cracking in the air and ripping through his flesh. The sum of all that had happened could strike him down on a hair trigger and leave him reeling and helpless.

They were both starving for intimacy, desperate to find their way back to each other. She needed to ease him back into things, to remind him that he would always be safe with her, that she would never do anything without his permission, and that he could revoke it at any time.  

“I want you, Mickey,” she whispered one morning. Her ass was nestled in the spoon of his hips and she could feel his erection brushing against her while they lingered in bed, reluctant to move from the cozy warmth of the blankets stretched over them both.

He hummed in sleepy agreement and kissed her bare shoulder, tickling her skin with the bristly hair on his upper lip. She rolled over in his arms and looked into his green eyes, still heavy-lidded from slumber.

“Is it okay if I kiss you?” she asked as he smoothed his hand over her hips and gave the swell of her ass a gentle squeeze.

A smile ghosted over Mickey’s face. “’Course it is,” he murmured.

She pressed her lips against his, kissing him with a tenderness that surprised him. He was fully awake now, and he slowly guided her on top of him as he deepened the kiss, savoring the sweet taste of the strawberry chapstick she always wore on her lips and the warmth of her tongue as it dipped into his mouth. There was something soothing about the way her hair cascaded around his face, blocking out the rest of the world so he could focus on her alone. He slipped his hands under her shirt and helped her peel it off, trailing his hands over her stomach to cup her breasts. She purred against his lips.

“Is it okay if I take off your sweatpants?”

Mickey nodded at her and caressed the curve of her breasts. The way she handled him so delicately felt strange, like they were teenagers back in his bedroom where he had been afraid to take off her jeans for the first time, only now the roles were reversed. He thought about how his old man would call him a pussy if he could see him now, so fragile that his girlfriend thought he would fall to pieces if she pulled down his pants without asking for permission. She freed him from his grey sweats and his boxers, tracing her fingers along the line of his hips and glancing back up at him for confirmation.

“Is it okay if I touch you, baby?” she asked.

“Yes, babe,” he said. He wanted to tell her that she didn’t need to be so careful, but he had a lump in his throat and doubted he could speak without his voice breaking. She prompted him with her soft voice to make sure he was still okay as she stroked him. He nodded, trying to focus on how good she was making him feel, but he couldn’t stop thinking about how she was so gentle with him, how she loved him so much even though he was broken. He felt a swell of emotion cresting in him and furrowed his brows, fighting the sudden urge to cry. She saw the look on his face and stilled her hand.

“Do you want me to stop?” she asked, worried she had triggered an episode without realizing it.

“No, no, no, no, no, no, no,” Mickey stammered. He covered his face with his hands to hide the tears leaking from his eyes, but his voice cracked as he spoke. “I want you, babe, I want you so fucking bad.”

“Me too, baby.”

She guided him inside her, and he groaned softly once he was sheathed in her warmth. He had missed this so much. A breathy gasp escaped her lips as she began to roll her hips, and he knew she had missed it too. She leaned forward and took his hands in hers, guiding them over her body him to remind him that he had permission to touch her as well. But all he wanted was to be closer, so he coaxed her down until he could feel the warmth of her body against his chest and swallowed hard as she kissed the tears from his cheeks.

“I love you so much, Mickey,” she whispered, letting her hair fall in a halo around them.

“I know,” he sobbed.

[lollybliz]

bout to make a Monster of a fic rec post here we go

heyo @jinx108! We’ll start with the complete ones because sometimes you’re just not in the mood to wait for the last chapter, you know? I don't remember details of all of these so i’m just going to copy the author’s summary rather than write my own. I am literally just going through my bookmarks, I got 400 of these to sort through. if ive talked to or am familiar with the author im gonna mention them, but if I mention you and you don't want me to have Please tell me and i’ll remove it.

If you’re not into spoilers Please Tread Carefully, I don't watch out for that stuff so I wont know to label it

1>Crushing Truth by Bunzuku: Tododeku. “Romance is hard enough for a teenager to understand when they have a good relationship role model. For Shoto, it takes two excited meddlers for him to even realize what his feelings really are.“

2>Disowned by b00mgh: tododeku + others. Unrated, some traumatic elements. “Shouto freaks out under a bridge and I use the word "grass" a lot more than I really should. Izuku does his stupid martyr thing and everyone makes continuous references to his propensity to break his bones. Aizawa goes "oh FUCK my kids are dying again" and his students use him as emotional (and physical) support. A friend requests angst, I say what kind, she say idk make someone get disowned and i say oh this I can absolutely provide my good buddy.”

3>cotton candy hands by @chonideno: Kiribaku. I will take Any excuse to rec this fic, its the most fluffy pile of feels Good Lord. also the first fic I ever bound into a physical book. “Studying to become a hero requires knowing how to take care of yourself. Sometimes you might need help on the way so if your crush offers to do your hair for you or to give you a well-deserved back rub, it'd be stupid to say no. A series of soft vignettes in which a love-struck Kirishima and a touch-starved Bakugou care for each other and it's definitely not making their hearts jump through hoops, they’re never this close to kissing, no, they're totally best friends bro“

4>Catching Sight of the Storm by neo7v: Kiribaku, tododeku. A considerable amount of Whump and related angst, and kinda sad tbh. “Blind. Quirkless. Useless.The first two things were stated clearly by the doctor that sat about five feet in front of Izuku. The third was a word that Kacchan called him everytime he failed to make the jump on whatever forest excursion they were on or when he ran into a tree because he hadn’t seen it. “I’m so, so sorry, Izuku.” Was his mom giving up on him already? But he could still be a hero if he tried hard enough, right? Quirkless or not. Blind or not. Just because Izuku was useless now didn’t mean he would stay that way forever, right? *** A Blind!Izuku AU”

5>Yell Heah by fakecharliebrown: Chatfic. M a n y pairings. technically complete, but part of an ongoing series. “Iida creates a group-chat for Class 1-A. It doesn't go as planned.“

6>Sunshine by Rosey_Note: BIG SAD. tw- failed suicide attempt. KiriKamiBaku. “They didn't deserve to put up with his crappy mood. Because Denki Kaminari did not feel like Sunshine right now. And they deserved sunshine. In fact, Denki didn't feel much of anything right now.“

7>Electric Connection by  Onlymostydead: ShinKami. “Kaminari's quirk has always had... Weird side affects. Like his ADHD. And his constant energy. And his insomnia, which wouldn't leave him be right now, when he really needed to just get some sleep. But, thankfully, he has good friends.“

8>The Best (The Worst) by Onlymostydead: no romantic pairing. tw- rampant transphobia, both outside and internalized. “Bakugou Katsuki has known who he was since he was four years old. He was a boy, it was as simple as that. Around his friends, at school... But things couldn't just be that simple, could they?“

9>Lichtenberg Figures by Q_loves_you: no definite romantic pairing. “Kaminari Denki has a very powerful force of nature running through his body. Kaminari Denki doesn't want to hurt anybody. He doesn't always get what he wants, and "anybody" does generally include himself.“

10>Eventuality by KikaTouka: ill be honest I don't remember this one at all, I maaaay not have read it yet :/. anyway. ShinKami. “Shinsou learns more than just hero lessons after being transferred to 1-A.“

11>Pickup Lines for the Soul by MustardSoup: ShinKami. “Denki is twelve when he is flicking through the TV channels and lands on an old RomCom movie about soulmate marks – specifically the same type that he has. “I can’t believe I’ve had to walk around with a cheap pickup line written on my ankle my entire life because of you!” The leading lady yells at the leading man as he stares at her in awe. Denki laughs. “Oh no.” His mother says, watching him. “Oh no, indeed.” His sister repeats quietly.“

12>caught in my own web by @anxioussailorsoldier: ShinKami. “Shinsou needs some help after getting caught up in his capture weapon. Kaminari enters from stage left.“

13>not so summer love by nataliya: ShinKami. “Class 2-B’s common room, although typically quiet, was currently filled with five students—three slowly giving up on homework, one bitching about noise and another that rushes through the front door. “We’ve been waiting for you—” Mina starts, but Kaminari’s vaulting over the back of the couch, eyes wide as he practically buzzes out of his skin, emitting light like crazy as currents dazzle across strands of hair. “I have a big ugly crush,” He steps off the couch and onto the coffee table, much to Bakugou’s chagrin, “On big ugly Shinsou.””

14>Blamed by coldandhotsoba: ShinKami. Tw- they fuckin kill a guy and its a lil nasty. “This was not how the day was supposed to end. They were supposed to end the day like they do most nights.  Kaminari clutching onto him like a koala as he slept, wrapped in the millions of tacky blankets Kaminari had bought. Warm and safe in their bed. It was not supposed to end with both of them tied up in some cold metal room.“

15>Lightning Scars by Present-Mics-Scream (write_your_way_out): Shinkami. “It's hard to be confident in your abilities when you're surrounded by people with incredible quirks. Shinsou Hitoshi would know better than anyone. Sure, he was admitted to the hero course in his second year, but being admitted to the hero course, and keeping up with the rest of the class are two different things. Lucky for him, Kaminari is there to prove that the flashiest quirks come with the largest drawbacks.“

16>See No Evil, Hear No Evil by randomfan188: no romantic pairing. “Kaminari Denki is legally blind. When he forgets to wear his contacts and breaks down during math class, comfort appears in the strangest of ways.“

17>how not to enjoy the weather, an article by kaminari denki by dreamtowns: no defined romantic pairing. “If there was one thing Kaminari hated the most in a world wth villains, it would have to be thunderstorms.“

18>”Studying” by emmyrox22: ShinKami, EraserMic. “Shinsou and Kaminari have been “studying” together for a while (but not for school). Shinsou gets stopped by his dads on the way to another “study” session and mistakes are made“

19>Weaknesses by sunflowerstorm: ShinKami. “Kaminari's quirk and storms compliment each other in the worst way, but he's convinced he can deal with it on his own... until he really can't any longer. When Shinsou accidentally overhears Aizawa confronting Kaminari about recent changes in behaviour and hears about the hell his quirks been putting him through, he can't just pretend he never heard. He wants to help.“

20>it’s hurt denki hours by memeingfultrash: ShinKami + others. ““Certain members of our class are...under the impression that...you’re the traitor.” Denki’s body went cold and felt like he was going to short circuit. ~some of class 1a believes that denki is the traitor and avoid him”

21>Petition to replace Mineta with Shinsou- (signed by Kaminari Denki) by CharaTheQuartz: ShinKami + others. This is one of my favorites, I go back to reread it from time to time. It SAYS 41/42, but that's just a glitch cus chapter 36 doesn't exist for some reason, I talked to the author about it and its fine. “Mineta brings shame to the color purple. You know who does not bring shame to the rich color, but pride and sexual tension to one infatuated Kaminari Denki instead? Shinsou Hitoshi, aka sexy zombie man, aka the most perfect hunk of a man to walk planet earth, aka future husband. Shinsou has finally gotten his chance to prove himself to the hero course, and he did more than prove himself. The only question left unanswered is whether he will start in A or B, and how Kaminari can manipulate the end result.“

22>How to Get a Boyfriend (in Four Easy Steps!) by e1ana: ShinKami, EraserMic, + others. “Step 1: Get kicked out of the house by your homophobic parents. Step 2: Run headfirst into your brooding, mysterious crush. Step 3: Sleep in his dad’s (see: your homeroom teacher) house Step 4: Watch everything you thought you knew go to shit. This isn’t exactly the sweet, romantic plan that Kaminari Denki longed for. Will everything be ok, or will step 5 be to crash and burn?“

23>Bakugou and Todoroki’s Foolproof 5-Step Plan to Fuck with Mineta Minoru by Anubis_2701: Kiribaku, TodoDeku, + others. This is another one of my favorites, and the one I am currently folding and sewing into a physical book. you learn how to do funny things when bored and quarantined ig. “It was a simple enough idea; screw around with the resident bastard of Class 1-A to let him know that his medieval ways and perverted behaviour weren't going to be tolerated by even the most career-focused of UA's students. To say that things had snowballed was an understatement. Todoroki had no idea how he had ended up sitting on Bakugou's floor at 1 am, holding a dossier of incriminating material that would make the FBI slobber, but he wasn't sure he wanted to know. The long and short of it was, fuck Mineta.”

24>Colour Theory by chancellorxofxtrash: TodoBakuDeku. this one’s a series. “Midoriya/Bakugo/Todoroki slow burn soulmate AU. All three of them are nerds with their own emotional issues, trying to navigate their way through becoming heroes, and their own relationship with each other.“

25>Summer Sunshine by Mara97: TodoDeku. Ever want a Barbie in a mermaid tale/Bnha crossover? No? well here you go anyway! “Instead of worrying about college, Izuku spends his summer vacation finding out his father is, supposedly, a dead merman king and going on a quest to dethrone the current king, Endeavor. Along the way, Izuku becomes close to the three journeying with him, makes friends with strangers, starts crushing on an unattainable prince, and, in the end, learns to love himself. Oh, and he saves a kingdom, too.“

26>The snowflakes on our skin and the flames in our soul are one (and the same), my love by missunderstuffyou: TodoDeku, Kiribaku. this is one of the ones I keep a running reread comment going on. its at,,, 6, atm.  “Before your quirk begins to present itself, the soulmate link comes through, and suddenly whatever you write upon your own skin appears on the body of your soulmate. As your soulmate writes to you, the emotions they feel follow through the ink.Izuku Midoriya is four years and a few months old when he first feels the slight ebbing in his arms. It doesn’t hurt… he can just feel something, and it’s enough to make him sprint into his mother’s arms screaming that his quirk is coming. She had been washing in the kitchen, and the sudden screech as her son rockets into her side is enough to make her jump with panic, immediately grabbing at him and looking for cuts and bumps before she understands his words and the stupidly bright, alight smile on his face with large, watery, hopeful eyes. Shoto Todoroki doesn’t feel his soulmate connection open up. It is drowned in the aches of a small body worked far too hard.“

27>It was dark inside the closet by Chad_Champion69420: Pre-ShinDeku? maybe? its tagged shindeku but like. it’ll make sense if you read it. “Midoriya is invited to a party. He and Shinsou decide to play a little trick on the rest of the party during Seven Minutes in Heaven.”

28>how to woo your local trash gremlin: a comprehensive guide by Todoroki shouto by wonhaebunny: TodoBaku. this is the fic that dragged me into todobaku, fun fact. “five times shouto tries to confess to bakugou, and one time he doesn't bother tryingaka: wikihow is a scam and bakugou is a terrible, terrible boy“

29>top ten photos taken right before disaster by Shookspeare: ShinDeku. “Izuku participates in a harmless prank, only to end up ruining it and running for dear life.“

30>Secrets to Share by pechebaie: no definite romantic pairing. “Kirishima comes out first, and nothing changes. Kirishima and Kaminari still hang out to complain about class and talk about boys - and sometimes girls, too, in Kaminari’s case; he still plans stupid pranks with Sero that get them sent to the principal’s or nurse’s office every time; Ashido still kicks his ass at Mario Kart without hesitation; and Bakugou doesn’t get angry at him any more than he usually does.“

31>What One Hides by Pinalinet: TodoDeku. “All Might gives class 1-A an unusual assignment that results in Midoriya Izuku and Todoroki Shouto attending a weekly acting class. But with a mysterious villain targeting individuals without Quirks, and a developing issue of Todoroki's own, an after-school assignment is the least of their worries.“

32>whether or not we’re fated, we’re meant to be by juurensha: KINDA SPOILERY. TodoDeku + others. “Todoroki didn’t have a soulmark for most of his life.His siblings all did, but up until the day of the U.A. entrance exam, he had shoved the idea aside. It’s not like they could help him anyway. And then a 9 appears on his chest, and a green-haired boy barrels into his life with a fire and ice soulmark on his arms, and suddenly Todoroki cares very much about all this could mean.”

33>The Midnight Shift by meiishu @meiishu @totallytodoroki (idk which you’d rather I attach so I went with both): ShinKami. ““Hey Toshi,” Denki says, and he laughs, clearly embarrassed. He’s got on a jean jacket that did him absolutely no help and a white tee shirt that is currently stuck to his torso. It’s got a pikachu design in the center. “By any chance, do you sell umbrellas?” “You really went out in this weather.” Hitoshi deadpans, instead of dignifying that with an answer. or hitoshi works the midnight shift at the gas station, which also doubles as a pokestop for pokemon go. of course, denki is a regular.”

34>Rock the House by AkabaneKayo: ShinKami. “It wasn’t just his bed. It was his entire fucking room shaking. Only one thought crossed his mind at that moment: “Holy shit. My room is haunted.”“

35>Technically, they’re morning kisses by CharaTheQuartz: ShinKami. “Most nights, Shinsou cannot fall sleep. Neither can Kaminari. It seems counterproductive to have a sleepover then, but they try to make it work. And they fail, but that is okay.“

36>someone to call mine by nearly_theyre: ShinKami, EraserMic “From: Me wish you were here, denks From: kitten 💛💘💛 what if i was tho? OR Four times Denki snuck into Hitoshi's room and one time he walked through the front door.“

37>Pretty by Onlymostydead (noticing some repeat authors? me too): no definite romantic pairing. “(Or, Kaminari still can't figure out bra clasps.) Kaminari has never really felt good about himself. Herself? Whichever way, not knowing doesn't make anything easier. Especially when he (she?) and Mina have their bodies swapped during training, and everything seems too right.“

38>If I offer you my hand, will you take it? by bleukitsune: Kiribaku. SPOILERY. ““Why?” Kirishima leaned back on his hands, trying to create some space between them. Too close. The ash-blond looked really nervous, his usually arrogant and cunning demeanor gone. “What do you see when you look at me? Kirishima is worried. Bakugou is hurting. After his confrontation with Midoriya, he finally reaches out to him. “

Theres way more but I haven't tagged them properly yet so that m a y come later if I can ever finish going through and adding my sorting tags.

and then a last few that Are Not Complete but im really very fond of them. not as many as id like to add, but my hands are getting tired tbh.

39>State of Mind by GuardianOfTheLoaf: no relationship YET but its looking like it’ll be either tododeku or shindeku, probably the former. EraserMic. tw- childhood neglect and severe depression. Izuku’s not a happy kid. “Izuku was a late bloomer, his quirk lying dormant until his tenth birthday when in a fit of emotion he grabs his mother and she disappears. With All Might slowly restoring his confidence Izuku begins the difficult journey into becoming a hero.“ 18/? chapters.

40>Izuku Eats His Problems by CosmicAce: ShinDeku. Izuku’s a flerkin, what more could you want? “His whole life, Izuku Midoriya was taught to keep his powers, his Quirk, hidden from the world. His kind were feared, hunted to near extinction because of it. He just wants to show people he’s different. That he can be a HERO. And nothing is going to stop him. Even if his Quirk IS like an eldritch abomination.“ 43/? chapters

and then probably my current favorite bnha fic- although it fights with Apertum Mortem for that spot but that ones d a r k and not here-

41>family of the year by periiwren: EraserMic. “Hitoshi is done. Done with moving around every few months to a couple that will scrutinize him and eventually dump him right back where he started. Good thing he’s well past his strike limit now- at least he can stay in one place, be content to age out of the system and finish out his training with Aizawa. Maybe transfer into the hero course, maybe be a hero- but none of that was guaranteed. The only thing for sure was that he was going to stay in that center for the rest of his childhood. Or so he thought- because Aizawa Shouta and Yamada Hizashi have other plans.“ 24/? chapters. we’ve been informed that this one’s gonne be l o n g and im Very Grateful.

42>Here There Be Dragons by here_and_there: pre-ShinDeku. “Izuku looked at the small circle Aizawa had motioned to in front of them. "I won't fit," he whispered, thinking. He raised his hand, tentatively. Sighing, Aizawa grumbled, "What?" "I-I have a question. Actually, two." His teacher just stared at him, unimpressed. Izuku continued. "Can we activate our quirks before we step into the ring?" Aizawa looked up into the sky, muttering something Izuku didn't hear. "If you must." "O-Okay. Uh, second question. You said we have to stay inside the circle, right?" "Yes." The man looked disappointed, not only in Izuku but in himself for letting the kid speak. "Great. Uh... does that include tails?"“ 6/? chapters.

43>Another Option by sandersonsister: TodoBakuDeku, Touya/Hawks, Dabi/Hawks. Potentially Spoilery, depends on whether horikoshi has the guts to confirm Touya. this one is waiting around the corner with a baseball bat, its really cute, and then r e a l l y painful. it might be getting better though. maybe. it might be getting worse. “When Touya stops his mother from hurting Shouto, he decides enough is enough. He needs to get out of this house and he's taking his baby brother with him.“ 33/? chapters.

That's it i’m done for now, oof. maybe ill edit more onto this post later, maybe i’ll just make another one. hope some of these work!