#(i totally am talking about atticus)

[miffysrambles]

rab-bot my beloved !!!

what they look like and expressions !!!

[borderlinemediocre]

My Maynard & Trent Manifesto:

I’ve been wanting to put this all together for a while. Basically, in my mind, there’s a hidden love story between these two and it’s complicated and messy and angsty.

First, they met in the mid-90s when Billy Howerdel introduced them at Trent’s New Orleans studio:

They clearly vibed because they’re both so hard working and technical and not afraid to get their hands dirty. Sweet.

They pretty much immediately started making music together, under the name Tapeworm, along with Danny Lohner and Charlie Clouser, and eventually Atticus Ross and Alan Moulder. Although when Maynard talks about the project he only talks about Trent. So that’s a thing.

These Tapeworm pics are from 2002:

They definitely made a lot of music up until 2004 when Trent announced the end of the project. Interestingly that’s also when APC went on a 6 year hiatus. Tapeworm never officially released anything.

Trent says it’s because the music was “mediocre”. He says the whole project was just a distraction to “waste time” because he was afraid to write another NIN record.

Maynard says no one in Tapeworm was “ready” to make music together and that everyone had big egos that “polluted” the project.

So Trent totally abandoned the music they made, but Maynard didn’t. He started to play a Tapeworm track, “Vacant”, live with APC in 2000. Trent was kind of pissy about it, especially since Maynard was extra ballsy and debuted it while on tour with NIN.

Speaking of that tour, before playing 3 Libras in Phoenix, Maynard said that “2 of the 3 Libras are here tonight. If this song sounds bitter, it’s because it is, and I am.” Like??? He’s so directly calling out Trent here and letting it be known that he’s still angry about not getting to be with him. Also makes me think he debuted Vacant to purposely piss Trent off. And 3 Libras is bitter, and sad:

Maynard eventually released a reworked version of Vacant, called “Passive”, with APC in 2004, right before their hiatus.

He also recorded “Potions” with Puscifer and gave it to Trent as a wedding present in 2009 before releasing it on the Puscifer album that year. Which seems like a sweet gesture until you look at the lyrics:

He chose this song to give to him on his wedding day for… reasons, I’m sure. Wholesome friendship reasons.

Then after Trent had his first kid in 2010, Maynard changed the lyrics to “Passive” during a live set (this is the worst sound quality in the world but you get the point) to “Trent just had a baby/ the doctor tells me/ but I just can’t believe him”. So. Upset that Trent is moving on? Or just him being supportive? Who knows? (We know)

Earlier this year, Maynard did an interview with Rick Beato and mentioned Trent’s influence on his music, while dragging him at the same time:

“Trent on The Fragile; he’s stealing shit all over that album, but I’m stealing from his stolen goods.”

“Weak and Powerless is like a metronome right through your head. Again, stolen from Trent. Shh. Don’t tell him. Don’t watch this, Trent. Prick.”

And having Trent on his mind while he wrote this is certainly a thought:

So clearly, 22 years after he said he was bitter, he still is. But, I think he’s done some moving on as well. He just released a reworked version of “Potions” with Puscifer but with one small yet impactful lyric change- instead of “I want you”, it’s “I don’t want you.”

He’s said that he won’t keep singing songs about things he’s moved past (like the song Prison Sex with Tool, that they haven’t played in over 20 years). So when I saw that he rereleased Potions I was like Ohhhh he’s still not over Trent. But with this lyric change, maybe he is? Maybe he wanted to tie up a loose end that’s been hanging out there. Maybe he gave the new version to Trent beforehand.

I want to end with a quote from Maynard himself: “No one is gayer than I am, but some come dangerously close.”

🫡🙏🏻

[addisonacres]

That's a wrap.

2023 is on its death bed and I'm both happy and sad about that. Personally, this year has sucked on so many levels and for so many of my loved ones. But four months ago I published my first title under Addison Acres and so my foray into the world of M/M publishing began.

It has not been easy. It was a hell of a learning curve, and I still feel out of my depth some days. It's hard bloody work. I work full-time and I also study part-time so it's not like I can sit and write all day (as much as I wish I could). I needed to take the leap though because if I kept on saying 'I just don't have the time' then it was never going to happen.

I've published 2 shorts and a novella on Smashwords and I think I've done okay with them. To date I've sold 768 copies. Yes, some of them have been freebies (Draft2Digital counts those in total books sold) but hey, I'm pretty happy with those numbers. Have I made millions of dollars? Pfft, no. Have I made thousands? Yeah, nah. But I've made a about $700USD so far.

Yeah, I don't have a problem talking about stuff like this. I know a lot of people are very hush hush about money but one thing I've discovered coming into this gig is that there's very little data to measure against. Who knows if this means I've been successful? I fucking don't! But maybe another indie author will see this and go 'Hey, that's similar to what I managed' or 'I made more than that so I'm doing really well!'. So yeah, I'm happy to throw out my figures if it'll help someone else. I'm not raking in the cash, and I haven't had my first title become a crazy best-seller and I'm suddenly playing with the big kids. I'm still very much a baby in this industry, finding my way.

Ultimately, yes I got into this publishing gig to make a few extra bucks. The cost of living has sky-rocketed and my job does not pay well. I adore it though so I needed to do something to supplement what I make. This isn't going to pay off my mortgage but it's paid for a new water pump for our rainwater tank and a delivery of hay for the alpacas. I've also re-invested some of my royalties into my writing. I've purchased the Atticus software and I got a bundle of photos from Depositphotos to use for book covers.

There's still a lot I need to do. I have yet to set up a newsletter, which is much to my detriment. I feel like I need to have a NL magnet first (which is the term used for a free story readers get when they sign up for your newsletter). I feel like no one will sign up for nothing so I've not set one up yet, but I have no idea what to write for the magnet...

I've been doing a lot of promo work on FB with joining release parties and giveaways but it's hard work. The marketing side of things takes up a lot of time, which yeah, I don't have a lot of. I did set up an Instagram account but I've hardly used it as it's very, very full on and I haven't really had the spoons. I know I need to invest more time in that, and I will try in the New Year but we'll see how full the cutlery drawer is first.

I also made the choice to do Tumblr instead of Tik Tok. Probably a very stupid choice since BookTok is huge and people get a lot of exposure on there. Why didn't I? Well, firstly, I'm really not very good at making videos and editing them. It's so very time consuming. Secondly, I like Tumblr. Is it a dumpster fire? Yes. Am I a bin chicken masquerading as a human? You betcha. So, yeah, I feel comfortable here. But I know I need to invest in more time here also.

Anyway, next year is a new year. I am currently working on a project that I've told no one about because I feel if I do, I will jinx myself and my motivation will fuck off to the moon. So, there is something in the works for publishing maybe in February. I'll be looking for beta readers once I've gotten it finished so if you're interested, hit me up.

I've also created a new logo because I haven't really done that and I figured I really should. I've made 4 variations to use for different situations and I really like it. It's pretty.

Anyway, I've rambled enough. Just wanted to do a little wrap up for the year and to prove that I'm not dead lol

Enjoy the final days of 2023 and I shall catch you all on the flip side.

[aberooski]

Random yet brilliant GX/Avatar au thoughts I had after rewatching ATLA and watching LOK for the first time:

Idk if I'll ever actually write this but if I did I'd use the Japanese names because obviously they'd fit in better here but for the purposes of my random bullshit and by being my default names I'm still using the dub names in my notes lol

___

- Obviously Jaden's the Avatar lol. Avatar Jaden of the Fire Nation (since he's a big fan of red and all 🤭)

- Fire Prince Chazz, Lightningbender ⚡⚡⚡

- Dragons are a thing so Light and Darkness Dragon anyone?? 👀👀

- Atticus is a Waterbender, but Nightshroud is a Bloodbender 👻

- Atty and Lex are prince and princess of the Northern Water Tribe

- Alexis is also a Waterbender but since in the North it's forbidden for women to learn Waterbending except for healing purposes (at least it is in ATLA, clearly that's not the case anymore in LOK since y'know, Eska. But this is my brain I can use whatever lore I want aksksk), Atticus taught her how to Waterbend himself in secret 🤫

- Zane and Syrus are mixed nations like Mako and Bolin, Zane is a Metalbender but Sy is a Waterbender

- Syrus specializes in healing, not combat. I imagine Zane treats him basically like he's a helpless non-bender as a result. But in that mean basically telling him he's useless way that he would, not in a protective brother kind of way. He understands it's a very valuable skill but really wished his brother could fight and fend for himself so he didn't have to be protected all the time.

- Very high concentration of Earth Kingdom squad members lol

- Bastion gives me Earth Kingdom vibes but also I feel like he would be a Waterbender because Water Dragon 🤔 can't decide 🤔

- Jim's Earth Kingdom but a non-bender. I imagine in the equivalent to the accident that lost him his eye as a kid he just went blind. Shirley is his seeing eye Crocogator 🐊 (y'know, since basically all the animals are hybrids 🤭 i know Catgators and Crococats exist but this is funnier and I can make jokes about her totally just being a normal Croc that Jim's passing off as a cross between a Catgator and a Crococat 🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭)

- Jim's a mega badass swordsman though even with the blindness. Wouldn't be surprised if he had some Earthbending power lying dormant inside him, like a fossil waiting to be unearthed (no pun intended 🤭), but he's more than content to be a regular human, he doesn't need bending to enjoy his life.

- Hassleberry's 100% an Earthbender. Dude can probably even Lavabend but that's a big maybe. (I mean volcanoes helped kill the dinosaurs and all too so)

- My guy Crowler teaches at the University of Ba Sing Se and if he's a bender he's probably a Metalbender (cuz y'know, Ancient Gears. I am taking their decks somewhat into account here 🤭), probably a member of the White Lotus

- Sheppard's got that Airbending Master status babyyyy, also the current Grand Lotus, just chilling with his non-bending wife Dorothy 😌

- Slade vs. Chazz in a fucking Agni Kai, a la episode 35 !! (🤜🔥 🔥⚡🤛)

- Jaden has a Firebending block similar to Zuko at some point, but because his fire comes from his passion, not hate. In his emo era his passion is gone and he has to find it again and reignite his inner fire!

- Jesse's got those Earth Kingdom green eyes, probably from the Earth Kingdom, but I think he has some Air Nomad heritage in there. He's very connected to his spirituality and the spirit world. Kinda gives me Jinora vibes in that area, he definitely is a very spirit heavy guy. Crystal Beasts, am I right?

- Jesse could've been the Avatar if the cycle wasn't up to fire at the time. (Literally forget any and all timelines none of that matters this isn't a crossover we're talking about. Full au so continuity be damned! All that matters is that the Avatar cycle is now at fire 🔥)

- Axel's Fire Nation I mean c'mon his whole thing is fire aksksk, strong Firebender and probably in the Fire Nation Army too somewhere. A good man though, a very honorable and just guy, not a shitty shitty bad Firebender as is the general consensus in the world about Firebenders most of the time it seems.

- Aster also gives me Water Tribe vibes but like only kinda, he's hard to nail down element wise...... 🤔 he's got the blue eyes so I'm gonna say Water Tribe atm we'll see if my brain agrees with that later. Whether North or South idk, I'm still on the fence about him being a Waterbender but water is my favorite so not gonna complain about making more Waterbenders..... 🤔

- His dad was a non-bender and was 100% killed by a Firebender though. That would cause issues with him and Jaden since Jaden is a Firebender Avatar. Oof there you go, Aster's whole like fucking "you can't hide from destiny" batman era bullshit?? He's going around beating up Firebenders because he doesn't know who exactly killed his father ooooooooo 👀👀👀 (I guess kinda like Katara I guess in a way but also not really I mean she saw the guy who did it, not that she knew exactly who he was without Zuko's help figuring that out but shhhhh remember none of that's important right now 🤫)

- Dark Spirit Yubel ???? 👀👀👀👀👀

- DARK AVATAR SUPREME KING PAST LIFE !?!?!?

- Winged Kuriboh spirit guide 👀👀👀

- oof Adrian as a bad guy Airbender now that's a yikes idea. Sorry Air Nomads, somebody's not a good noodle.

- Chumley once again representing the Earth Kingdom

- Bro not sure about Banner..... so many options.....

- Earth King Kagemaru (bro those guys are almost always shady bitches whether it's the Earth monarch or the Dai Li bro we can NEVER trust the Dai Li)

- y'all Banner is so Earth Kingdom but he's also giving me Fire Nation, like aesthetically and vibes wise he could be either. But also because of his like alchemy background and straight up making a homunculous for himself and shit like that he's also giving me secret Bloodbender I'm literally on so many fences with this guy I can't decide 😭

- Also totally in touch with some spirits and stuff, totally dies and passes into the spirit world to continue existing there like Iroh did so Jaden can talk to him like the ghost we all know and love like another sort of spirit guide and Pharaoh can follow Jaden and crew around afterwords aksksk

- Stormshipping and Spiritshipping all over the damn place! It's me. You knew that was going to be a thing here.

___

That's all I got at the moment. Like I said I don't know if I'd ever actually write this, I know I have way too much on my plate right now to even think about this in a more on the table way than this but my brain won't stop so I have to indulge aksksk

Let me know y'alls thoughts if you got any I'm just messing around here really so lord knows 🤭 anyway if I come up with anything else maybe I'll add it later but for now holy shit guys isn't my mind a wild and crazy place??? 😜😂😅

[emo-sebastianstardew]

Demolition Lovers Part 4 Sebastian x Farmer Stardew Valley Fanfic

(Chapter 4 is finally here. This is really long chapter. The rating is still 18+. In this chapter will be smoking, profanity and some spicy stuff. Please enjoy. Credit to Heir of Atticus for the photo used.)

"Goodnight (farmers name)." He grinned waving goodbye to you and walked away.

You watched him leave the farm. Your heart was beating fast and you had butterflies in your stomach. Something about him was just so intoxicating. You really liked him. He had some confidence with the way he carried himself. He was funny and intelligent. He had this way about him that was so charming. You decided to go inside and get some sleep. Not only do you have plants to take care of in the morning but you had to make him a lunch he'd love.

You woke up at 6 am. The sunshine slapped you across the face. You sat up in your bed and groaned. You got up and got dressed. You went outside and began watering your crops. You started thinking about what you were gonna do with the rest of your day. You finished watering everything and decided to go fishing. You left your farm and started walking through town square.

"(farmers name)!" someone screamed. You whipped your head around and regretted who you saw.

Abigail started running to catch up with you. You waited for her to reach you.

"Yes... Abby?" You asked.

"You're not talking to Sebastian right?" She asked crossing her arms glaring at you.

"I mean... we just met. So... Yeah... Why do you care anyway?" You asked squinting at her.

"I CARE because we've been talking for a while now. He will be dancing with me at the flower dance. I know him much better than you. He likes me and I like him. I don't need you trying to take him." She hissed at you.

"Wow.. didn't realize you were both so close. He hadn't mentioned anything about that. But if you insist I'll leave him alone. Have good day Abby." You said and stared walking away from her.

Your mind was flustered with thoughts. If Sebastian and Abby were so close why would he hang out with you? Why is Abby so threatened by you? You decided it would be best to just leave Sebastian alone for a while. You weren't paying attention again and you bumped into someone. They fell over and started laughing.

"Yo (farmers name) you totally knocked me over hahaha." Sam laughed slowly standing back up.

"Sorry Sam. I didn't mean to at all. It's been on hell of morning already." You were flustered trying to apologize.

"Hey its all good (farmers name). I'm not mad at all. Why are you upset? You kinda look like you're gonna cry." He asked concerned.

"It's nothing. I don't want to waste your time." You smiled slightly.

"Hey whats going on?" He was very concerned now.

"Just..... um.... Is.... Abby and Sebastian a thing?" You asked sheepishly.

"Oh... I don't think so. I mean Abby is obviously a little obsessed with Sebastian. But I don't really think he feels the same. But to be honest with you that man is mystery. I've been his friend for 10 years and I still can't tell if he likes me. I wouldn't take anything personally. I just know Sebastian prefers to be alone. I've never really seen him try to go for any girl. So maybe try some space." Sam smiled trying to reassure you.

"Okay... thanks Sam. I'll just mind my business and stick to my farm thank you." You smiled started walking away.

"Um... not what I meant...." Sam muttered and walked away to work.

You decided to head down to the beach. You fished down at the dock practically all day. You noticed when the clock turned 3. You shook your head and went back to fishing. 5:00 pm rolled around and Willy came out to join you.

"Good evening (farmers name)." Willy smiled fishing beside you.

"Hey Willy." You smiled.

"Catching any good ones?"

"A few yes. I might need to start heading home soon."

"Be safe getting home and have good night." He waved goodbye.

You left Willy and waved good bye. You started making your way back to your farm. Once back home you decide to chop down some trees for some wood before bed. You were finished at 10:00 pm. You decided to go to bed.

Couple days have past and you have been very busy these past few days. You now had chickens and you had been in the mines as well. But today was a new day and your first week was over. You haven't bothered socializing much. You sat up in your bed, bright and early 6:00 am. You got dressed and head out on your farm. You started watering your crops like clock work. You walked into your chicken coop and collected your eggs.

"Good morning George, Micheal, Freddy and Joey." You said to the chickens. They clucked at you.

You gave them all love before leaving. You decided you were gonna go mining today. You started walking into town to check the board before you went up. There was a festival coming up called the Egg Festival. You decided to start making your way up the mountain. Your heart dropped in your stomach when you saw him outside smoking staring at you.

"Where the hell have you been?" Sebastian asked glaring at you.

You walked over to him feeling very nervous. You didn't answer his question.

"Hello..?! Ignoring me now?!" He snapped.

"Do not give me attitude Sebastian." You glared back at him.

"You say we are gonna hang out then don't come to see me for 7 days." Anger was in his eyes.

"OH.... Thats why we are pissy right now." You crossed your arms and looked away from him.

"Yeah why wouldn't I be mad about that." He took a step closer to you blowing out some smoke.

"Well tell your GIRLFRIEND to stay the fuck out of my face." Your eyes met his and you could feel your blood boiling.

"OH GIRLFRIEND! That's rich!" He was yelling now.

"Do NOT yell at me Sebastian!" You were yelling now.

"For YOUR information! I DO NOT have a girlfriend! Nor am I TALKING to anyone right now!" His eyes met yours. You felt lost in them again but remembered you were angry with him.

"HA! That's not what ABBY claims!" You were furious.

"This is about Abby?" His demeanor changed and he blew out smoke.

"YES this is about ABBY! Why are you so calm now?! YOU busy with her this past week?" You asked shaking.

"No. I haven't. I've been a bit busy wondering where the hell you've been." He looked away from you blowing out smoke.

"You're so frustrating!" You huffed looking away from him.

"Look at me." He said calmly. His voice was calming.

You were hesitant at first but looked at him eventually. He put his cigarette out.

"Come inside." He smiled.

You rolled your eyes and followed him inside. He took you downstairs to the basement. He opened his door and gestured for you to go inside. You walked into room and noticed a lot of things. Posters all over the walls, the room smelled damp and like weed. There was couch on the main wall with a desk and 2 computers. You notice big bookshelves on the side wall. There was table in the corner with comfy seats.

"I'm sorry." He said behind you walking past you.

"For?" You asked watching him.

"Everything. I shouldn't have yelled at you. Abby is just a friend I swear. I don't know what she said to you. But we are not a thing. JUST FRIENDS."

"It's okay. I'm sorry for yelling too. I just was so upset. I didn't like how she got in my face about it. It made me feel like a joke to you." You said looking at the floor.

"You're not a joke to me. You've never been that to me. I will talk to her. I do not want her treating you like that. But I don't want you to avoid me either. I enjoyed our night we shared together." He said smiling and blushing.

"Really?" You asked stepping closer to him.

"Yes really. The egg festival is coming up. I wanted to know if you wanted to go with me?" He smiled stepping closer to you.

"Yes I would love too." You smiled. Your eyes met his.

"Good. You owe me (farmers name)." He grinned.

"Why do I owe you? If anything you owe me Sebastian." You crossed your arms.

"Oh I owe you? You owe me lunch." He said raising an eyebrow.

"I have your lunch with me. You owe me for the pain you caused me." You huffed.

"Oooo you have the lunch? I will make it up to you however you want." He grinned and winked at you.

"Yes I have the lunch with me. But I don't know if you really deserve it." You said with your hand on your chin thinking.

"Please. I'm dying to try your food. I'll be a good boy" He whined.

"You better." You grinned pulling out a plate of sashimi and handing it to him.

"Hmm." He said just staring at the plate blankly.

"What do you not like fish?" You asked concerned getting close to him to look at the plate.

"I never said that. Just not what I expected." He said looking at plate then looking at you.

"WHAT? What did you expect! You said I could make anything." You huffed punching him in the shoulder lightly.

"Hahaha relax Princess. It looks beautiful. But does it taste good?" He asked picking up a slice. He ate it slowly and then started coughing. He placed the plate down and slid to the floor.

"Sebastian!" You watch him lay on the floor.

"Kidding. It was really good. I love sashimi." He smiled staring up at you. You sat down on the floor beside him and decided to lay down next to him.

"Good. I'm glad you love it." You smiled turning your head to look at him.

"Thank you (farmers name). It was really good." He turned and looked at you.

"Your rooms cool." You smiled.

"Thanks it's a bit cluttered."

"I like it minus the smell." You laughed.

"Yeah it kinda stinks. How's the farm been?"

"Busy. I have chickens now."

"Do you think they would like me?"

"Yes of course. Who wouldn't like the very attractive emo boy?"

"Attractive?" He asked raising an eye brow.

"I mean.... I think so.... I also have a dog now." You stuttered feeling your face turn red.

"Haha you're pretty cute when you're nervous." He grinned.

"Shut up." You rolled your eyes.

"This sounds stupid. But would you like to stay the night?" He asked staring at your eyes.

"Oh..." You sat up.

"What was that not the right thing to ask?" He sat up quickly watching you nervously.

"Come stay the nigh-"

"SEBBY I'M COMING IN." Robin opened the door and was now in the room.

"Mom..." Sebastian sighed.

"Oh Sebby I didn't realize you had company." She was grinning really wide eyeing you both.

"Mom.. we were just hanging out..." He glanced at her then back to you.

"I didn't know you and (farmers name) were so close." She smiled.

"Hello Robin." You smiled and waved.

"Don't encourage her." Sebastian whispered to you.

"I know you don't like me coming in here Sebby. But Abigail was asking about you at the market today." Robin said looking at him.

"I'm busy today. I'm spending it with (farmers name). We were just about to leave." Sebastian said glaring at his mom.

"Okay. I'll let her know. You two have fun." She smiled and waved bye before walking away. She shut Sebastians door.

"You're right. Your place is better." He said.

"You better start packing." You grinned.

"Of course." He smiled.

He grabbed a bag from under his bed and started packing clothes in it. He stopped packing for a second and walked over to his closet. He started taking off his hoodie facing the closet. You were just watching him feeling your face turning red. He was shirtless now going through his closet for something. You didn't realize he was so muscular. The hoodie really hides his muscles. He picked out a black shirt and put it on. The shirt was tight black muscle shirt. It contoured his body so well. He turned slightly looking at you smirking.

"You're not staring again?" He asked.

"No I uh... I.. uh... was snooping through your stuff..." You blurted out stuttering.

He laughed and turned back to the closet. He slipped off his pants and found a clean pair of black skinny jeans to wear. He put on the new pair and turned back to you. You were biting your lip watching him.

"What'd you find?" He asked smirking at you.

"Um... you like horror books...." Your face was bright red.

"Yeah horrors good. You ready to go?" He grinned.

"Absolutely." You smiled.

"Let's get out here." He said putting on another hoodie.

You opened the door and walked upstairs waited for him to come up. As you were waiting someone came through the door. Sebastian came up the steps and sighed.

"Great....." He said behind you.

To be continued.....

[the-chosen-fanfiction]

Because you and I both love Atticus (I honestly thought I was the only one, and am so glad that's not the case), what's your personal headcanon about him?

Hi friend! I am also so glad that I am not the only one! So much potential in his character.

Atticus talks to his horse like it is a person while he's travelling. And thinks they make for the best company, too.

It's no secret that he is a foodie but he probably knows a bunch of very good on-the-go recipes since he's constantly travelling. Who knew he could whip up a meal with only 3 ingredients that he found on the bottom of his bag?

He is a huge sucker for the fine arts. He knows a lot about frescoes/mosaics/literature/music etc. and would totally spend more time studying it if he wasn't constantly working.

Anyways that is all I have for now!

[na-ta-sh-aa]

I just finished reading it and i have tears running down my cheeks, the beauty of this story, the way this chapter was so emotional and engaging, it was so wonderful and i am so glad i read it. You got me so emotional the way you described their feelings! Oh how much I loved it!🥹🫶🏼

Starting from the beginning I found it beautiful how Phoenix, as a good friend she is, went to talk to Gallus after seeing Sabina in those conditions. The love that both Phoenix and Gallus feel for Sabina is immense and I find it such a beautiful thing. I loved how Phoenix wanted to go to Gallus to make him think and make things right with Sabina.

“He threatened to hurt her, Phoenix. He threatened to hurt Sabina.”

I felt so bad about how Gallus blamed himself for putting Sabina in danger and how guilty he felt! I like Phoenix more and more, and what she told Gallus is totally right but Gallus acted in good faith, his sole purpose was to protect Sabina. On the other side, Sabina feeling humiliated breaks my heart, her thought that Gallus can have all the women in Rome and he sure doesn't want her hurts so much, she is so precious!

“He doesn’t want me, don’t you see? We’ll just leave it at that. Oh, but how am I ever supposed to return to the ludus after this?”

This part touched me especially, it's so sad the way she feels. But I was so happy when Phoenix was able to convince her to go talk to Gallus. Also because she was right, Sabina couldn't let him go without first talking to him with the possibility of never seeing him again, she would never forgive herself.

When Sabina went to Gallus' cell there was so much tension and unspoken words.

“We’ll talk…when I get back. I promise.” “Please come back to me.” “I will always come back for you,”

This was so intimate, the fact that he still can't explain himself but she asks him to come back to her is so beautiful. The connection they have, the chemistry and their love for each other is indescribable! And when he said : “Goodbye, little dove” oh it was so tender!

I also really enjoyed the moment between Phoenix and Carnifex. They care and love each other so much. I really like how their relationship is completely different from the one between Gallus and Sabina but the love is so strong in both cases🫶🏼

What about the combat description? It was absolutely PHENOMENAL! I was so worried, but luckily the gladiators are all back home! Gallus fighting was so intense. Starting from his constant thought of returning to Sabina up to how he managed to win thanks to his patience and ability to read the fight. I found the return of the gladiators very emotional. Even though I knew that Gallus and Carnifex were alive, I was able to experience the anxiety and expectation of Sabina and Phoenix as they waited to see them, thanks to the extraordinary way you described the scene!

“You were the only thing on my mind all day today,”“It was the thought of you that brought me back.”

I was literally sobbing while reading this part, tears blurred my vision, could there be anything more romantic to hear? I do not think so!

Then finally came the moment i've been waiting since these two started talking to each other, they KISSED!! Aww finally, I'm so happy that Gallus told her the truth, even though it's harsh, but I'm even happier that they both let each other know their feelings!

“I am yours,” “No matter what anyone does to me, I will always be yours.”🥹

It was all so beautiful! This story is more and more engaging, I love all the little details, the fabulous descriptions, the feelings transmitted and the care you manage to put into each chapter! It makes everything even more special! I absolutely adore all the characters (except Aurelia and Atticus for obvious reasons😅) but Gallus and Sabina have a special place in my heart and will stay there forever! I would read their story over and over, it truly is a gem!🥹💞🫧

Si Vis Amari Ama

VIII. Let the Games Begin

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Pairings: Rooster (Roman Name: Gallus) x Female Reader (Roman Name: Sabina), featuring Hangman (Roman Name: Carnifex) x Phoenix

Summary: A girl whose freedom was stolen to pay her father’s debts. A gladiator enslaved for the entertainment of Rome. A love they never thought possible.

Author’s Note: I apologize that it's taken me so long to update! I've been having a hard time finding the motivation to write as of late, but this story remains very near and dear to my heart and I'm grateful that I've had the inspiration to work on it these past few days. Thank you for bearing with me! I hope you enjoy!

Word Count: 13k+

Warnings: Slavery in the ancient world, angst, allusions to unwanted sexual advances, gladiatorial combat, violence, blood, death, slow burn romance, alternating point of view.

He could feel the thunderous roar of the crowd pounding in his skull, a searing pain that pulsed behind his closed eyelids, rivaled only by the throbbing ache in his shoulder. The stamping feet of tens of thousands of spectators shook his bones and thrummed in his bloodstream, the energy of his captive audience rising and growing like a living beast. He could sense it burrowing just beneath the surface of his skin, engulfing his body in flames—the same Roman flames that had stolen his mother away from him and destroyed the only true home he had ever known.

And yet, for all that his body felt as though it was wrapped in fire, he found himself unable to move. Unable to lift the arm that held the sword they’d so foolishly placed in his hand. Unable to open his eyes and gaze upon the crazed, bloodthirsty faces of the people he hated so much. Unable to do anything except succumb to the pounding that vibrated through him, rattling him to his core and robbing him of any shred of peace. But when had he ever known peace?

Swallowing deeply, he realized just how dry his mouth was—drier than the sands of the arena itself. And on his tongue, he could taste nothing more than salt and ashes.

But that pounding. When would it cease? He couldn’t even raise his hands to his ears to block it out, not in his frozen state. When would he be free of it? When would he ever be free?

Just as he felt ready to open his mouth in a silent scream, he suddenly heard a faint sound in the distance, so small and gentle that he could scarcely make it out over the throbbing in his head. But then it came closer, so close that he almost felt it brushing against his cheek in a delicate caress. It was the flutter of dainty wings, like those of a dove.

His little dove.

The longing in his chest at that sweet sound was enough to propel him forward, to unlock him from the invisible chains that kept him bound and let loose the strong limbs that had been held captive in his mind.

“Sabina!” Gallus cried out, sitting up suddenly and reaching out—but grasping nothing.

Blinking painfully against the early morning light that filtered into his cell, he turned his head slowly and let out a grunt of pain at the stiffness in his shoulder.

As he blinked slowly a few more times and shook his head to clear the fog from his mind, Gallus took stock of his surroundings and remembered where he was. He wasn’t in the arena at all, but on the hard packed earthen floor of his cell, where he’d evidently fallen into an unhappy sleep after the overwhelming events of the previous night. Glancing downward, he realized that he was still clutching the carving you’d gifted him in one hand, the oak wood leaving a firm impression against his scarred palm.

And that’s when it all came flooding back—the banquet, the way those filthy men had dared to put their hands on you, Atticus’ threats, the tears you had shed for him. He closed his eyes against the memory of your confusion and pain when he’d thrown you out of this very cell, everything he’d ever wanted slipping through his fingers because it was the only way he knew how to keep you safe.

His own broken heart was a price he was willing to pay to ensure that no harm befell you. But that didn’t make it hurt any less.

Shuddering, Gallus swallowed deeply and realized he could still taste the salt from his dream. Had it been a dream at all? Or was it just the taste of the fruitless tears he’d shed until exhaustion had finally claimed him sometime before dawn?

Rolling the stiffness out of his shoulders, his ears perked up when he registered the fact that the taste of salt wasn’t the only thing he’d carried over from his dreams. The pounding that had haunted him persisted, though he quickly became aware that it wasn’t the wild stampeding of the crowd, but a fist pummeling his door with single-minded determination.

Groaning under his breath, he felt his bones creak and could hear his joints pop as he slowly rose from the floor, setting the carving down on his small table before gingerly stepping towards the door, apprehensive about who he would find on the other side.

He was only mildly surprised to see an irate Phoenix standing on the threshold of his cell.

“What did you do?” she hissed, shoving one hard finger into his chest as she forced her way into his room without invitation.

Gallus had seen Phoenix this angry before, but it had never been directed at him. It was usually their masters who garnered this much fury from his raven-haired friend. Sighing deeply, he closed the door behind her, quickly glancing from side to side to make sure no one had observed her arrival.

“Phoenix, listen—”

“Don’t you, ‘Phoenix, listen’ me!” she growled, crossing her arms over her chest and planting herself in the center of the room, glaring up at him. She looked immovable, a fierce force of nature the likes of which even a seasoned gladiator might hesitate to go up against. He would be proud of her if it weren’t for the fact that he was also mildly terrified.

“What did you do?” she demanded, repeating her question from when she’d first arrived. “Do you know Sabina came back to the villa in tears last night? I could barely get her to speak at first. I thought for sure something terrible had happened to her, that one of Atticus’ disgusting friends had—” She shook her head, clearly unable to even finish speaking the thought aloud.

Gallus was glad for that, for he suddenly felt bile rising in his throat at the mere thought of any man laying his hands on you against your will. He would kill anyone who tried.

“Phoenix,” he began again, the pitiful remains of his heart breaking at the vision her words conjured up, the idea of your tears too much for him to bear.

“How could you do that to her, Gallus? How?” Phoenix pressed, her cheeks growing red from her mounting frustration. “Do you have any idea how humiliated she is? How ashamed? She said she doesn’t even know how she can return to the ludus again, how she could ever face you after last night. She took a chance, opening herself up to you like that, and you just threw her away. How could you do that?!”

“Phoenix, there are things you don’t understand,” he replied, trying to hide the panic that stirred in his chest at the thought of you never returning to the ludus, of never getting to see you again.

“Then make me understand!” she exploded, lunging forward and shoving at him with both hands, causing him to lose his footing and stumble back a step or two. “Because I know that you care for Sabina, Gallus! I know you, and I know that you have never felt for anybody what you feel for her! So make me understand how you could reject her and break her heart when she offered it to you on a golden platter.” 

Her last words were spoken so quietly, yet seemed to steal all the air out of the room.

“Atticus knows,” Gallus told her flatly, his expression as stoic as ever in an attempt to mask the turmoil that was roiling inside him.

“What?” Phoenix gasped, taking a step back as her mouth fell open in shock, some of the rigidity melting away from her posture.

“He knows what Sabina means to me. You know him, Phoenix. You know what a wily bastard he is,” he went on, running a frustrated hand through his hair. “He figured it out even before the banquet. He tried to offer Sabina to me as a—a concubine,” he confessed, swallowing back the distaste that burned in the back of his throat.

Phoenix’s dark eyes widened, her fingers instinctively curling into fists at the thought of Atticus thinking he could turn you out like some kind of whore. What was worse was knowing that he could, and that he could do the same to her on a whim. Not only would neither of you ever be free, but you would never be safe either, not in the household of Atticus Cornelius Juventus.

“I knew he was testing me. After all this time, Atticus knows that I want nothing to do with the women he tries to force into my bed. But I still fell into his trap anyway. I couldn’t—I couldn’t let him talk about her like that. I couldn’t let him threaten to hurt her,” Gallus murmured, hanging his head in shame that he hadn’t been smart enough to protect you right from the start. “And then last night at the banquet—I couldn’t let those pigs get away with treating her like that. I would do it again, no matter what Atticus did to me.”

“What did Atticus do to you?” Phoenix asked, her voice softer this time as she stepped closer to her oldest friend, reaching up and brushing a gentle hand against the bruise forming just beneath his eye.

He turned his face away, his jaw ticking as Atticus’ words from last night flooded back into his mind. “It doesn’t matter what he did to me. I can take his abuse. He’s not as strong as he likes to think he is,” he muttered, trying not to think about the pain that had exploded beneath his eye when their master’s signet ring had collided with his cheek.

Phoenix was quiet for a moment, her expression thoughtful as she stared up at him and waited for him to turn back and meet her eye. “But that wasn’t all he did, was it?” she questioned, already knowing the answer.

Gallus shook his head miserably, taking a deep breath as he stepped away from her and lowered himself down on the edge of his bed, burying his head in his hands. He remained silent, even as the bed dipped beside him and he felt one of Phoenix’s cool, soothing hands come to rest on his back in a comforting fashion.

“Talk to me,” she whispered, feeling the torment that hovered above him like a storm cloud as keenly as a summer rain soaking her skin. “What did Atticus do?”

When he finally lifted his head to look at her, it was with an expression so broken that he didn’t know how he had managed to make it this far without crumbling to pieces on the floor. “He threatened to hurt her, Phoenix. He threatened to hurt Sabina.”

She knew what his response would be before he even uttered the words, but the reality of the situation still slapped her in the face anyway, more brutal than even Aurelia’s abuse. Phoenix bit back the sob she felt rising in her throat, giving Gallus the space he needed to continue speaking.

“He reminded me that she is his property,” he spat out bitterly, digging his fingernails into his thighs and not even registering the pain. “That Sabina is his to do with as he pleases, and that if I ever dare to step out of line again or go against him in any way, he’ll beat her within an inch of her life and make me watch,” he continued, his voice catching despite himself.

“Oh, Gallus!” Phoenix cried out, wrapping her arms around him and hiding her face against his shoulder to try to mask her own tears.

“You would think it couldn’t get any worse than that, but remember that this is Atticus we’re talking about,” he went on, his utter hatred for his master evident in the way he practically snarled his name. “He also threatened to sell Sabina to the nearest brothel he could find.” His voice grew cold as he repeated Atticus’ threat from last night. He would burn Rome herself to the ground before he allowed that to happen to you.

Phoenix let out a soft gasp, horrified at the mere thought of such a cruel fate befalling you. You were too gentle, too good, too pure. You would never survive a punishment such as that.

“So you see? She’s in danger, Phoenix, and it’s all because of me,” he said miserably, the wounds in his heart being torn open anew as he contemplated the truth that his love and affection for you were what had put a target on your back.

“Hey,” Phoenix replied instantly, sliding off his bed and rising to stand in front of him, placing both hands firmly on his shoulders. “Hey, look at me,” she demanded, waiting until Gallus slowly lifted his eyes to meet her gaze. Setting her face like stone, she told him, “Sabina is not in danger because of you. Any danger she may be in is because of Atticus and his sick, twisted mind. Do you hear me?” She shook his shoulders slightly, as if to emphasize her question.

“Atticus would never have set his sights on her if it weren’t for me. He’s doing this to torment me, Phoenix. So it is my fault,” he argued, shrugging her hands off his shoulders irritably and rising as well, pacing around his cell like a caged lion—or a wolf, as you had so aptly described him. “That’s why I need to keep Sabina as far away from me as possible. If there’s nothing between us, then Atticus has no reason to harm her,” he rationalized, trying to convince himself as much as Phoenix.

To his surprise, Phoenix scoffed in response, crossing her arms once more. “Oh, how noble of you.”

He stared at her, taken aback. “Phoenix—”

“So you think that denying Sabina—denying yourself—any scrap of happiness you might possibly be able to cling to in this miserable place is the right thing to do? Breaking her heart and making her believe you care nothing for her is the best course of action?” Her voice started to rise slightly as her temper grew hotter. “You do realize that we’re all slaves, right? We will always be at the mercy of Atticus and Aurelia and their capricious moods! Who’s to say that Atticus wouldn’t find some other reason to torment Sabina that had nothing to do with you? We both know full well that Aurelia takes great pleasure in making her life a misery. What’s to stop her husband from doing the same? But where she might at least have been able to find a moment’s comfort in your arms, now she’s left feeling even more alone than ever before! Did you think of that when you were trying to play the martyr? Did you?”

Gallus turned away from Phoenix’s barrage of words, overcome by the sense in them and not wanting to face it. She was right, and he knew it. It was nothing but foolishness that would have made him believe he had any sort of power to protect you. That was what was so maddening about all of this. No matter what he did, he could never truly ensure your safety. The reality of it was enough to drive him to insanity.

“Why didn’t you tell Sabina the truth?” Phoenix further pressed him, not letting him off the hook and not allowing him a moment to breathe. “She’s not a child, Gallus. You could have explained to her what was really going on. Don’t you trust her?”

“Of course I do!” he exploded, dragging his hands down his face and trembling with the desire to smash his other stool against the wall, the way he had done to its twin last night. “Of course I trust her! But I wanted to protect her! I wanted to shield her from whatever savagery I could. She’s already experienced so much evil. Why cause her any more heartache if I could avoid it? Why make her live in fear every day?”

“But you didn’t let her make that choice for herself! You took it upon yourself to make it for her!” she snapped back. “So what makes you any different than Atticus or any other master she’s ever had?”

His blood ran cold at her words. It was true. What did make him any better than any other man who had claimed you as his property? For as long as you had been enslaved, your life had not been your own. There was no decision that you were free to make for yourself. Save one, perhaps—no one could truly tell you who to love. But Gallus had taken that freedom from you as well. He had denied you the chance to choose him, to decide that you were willing to pursue whatever this thing was between the two of you, no matter the risk. He had determined that he knew better, and he had broken your heart in the process.

How could he ever hope for you to forgive him?

“What have I done?” he groaned, stumbling towards the table pressed up against his wall and spreading his large hands out to catch himself. His head hung low and he squeezed his eyes shut, as if by doing so he could shut out the catastrophe he had created.

“There’s still time to fix it,” Phoenix reassured him, moving beside him and resting a hand on his arm. She paused a moment before saying, “The games begin today.” He didn’t fail to notice the fear in her eyes as she uttered those words. “You need to have a clear head when you’re fighting in the arena. You have to speak to Sabina and make things right with her before you go.”

“She won’t want to see me,” Gallus said quietly, staring at the carving that sat atop the table. Your gift seemed to silently taunt him, to remind him of all that could have been his, had he not so foolishly thrown it all away. He wouldn’t blame you if you never wanted to see him again. He had hurt you badly. He had never deserved you to begin with. “You said it yourself, she doesn’t ever want to step foot in the ludus again.”

“Don’t worry about that. I’ll talk to Sabina,” Phoenix insisted, looking newly determined. “I’ll make sure she gets here before you all leave for the games. Just make sure you tell her the truth.”

As she spun around to leave, her dark braid nearly whipping him in the face, Gallus reached out and grabbed her wrist before she could go. “Phoenix?”

She turned to look up at him expectantly.

“Thank you,” he said sincerely, squeezing her hand. He had never been very good at voicing his feelings aloud or expressing himself, but he hoped she knew how much he treasured her friendship, and all the ways he was grateful for her.

As if reading his thoughts, Phoenix beamed up at him. “Hey, what are friends for?”

Before he could stop her a second time, she was out the door in a flash, looking eager as ever to complete this new mission she’d assigned herself. He knew that if Phoenix had set her mind to bringing you here, she would find a way to make it happen. But the thought filled him with nerves greater than those that normally assailed him on the day of an appearance in the Colosseum.

What would he say to you? How could he make you understand? Would you even want to listen to him? Would you want anything to do with him after how he had treated you last night?

Knowing it was a poor idea to just pace in his cell for hours, awaiting your arrival, he dropped down to the ground and began a series of push-ups, trying to clear his mind of everything beyond his impending fight this afternoon. After all, it wouldn’t matter much if you forgave him if he was dead before sundown.

Gritting his teeth, sweat pouring off his face, Gallus pulsed his strong body up and down, up and down, up and down, your face the only thing he could conjure up in his mind’s eye.

You couldn’t believe Phoenix had convinced you to do this.

All of last night, and well into the early hours of the morning, your eyes had poured out an ocean of sorrow, your heart aching with the pain and humiliation of Gallus’ rejection. You’d hardly slept at all, and it showed in your puffy, red-rimmed gaze.

You hadn’t gone to Gallus’ cell last night with the intention of throwing yourself into his arms like some lovesick puppy. You truly had been afraid for him when Atticus dragged him out of the banquet after the scene he’d made, and you just wanted to check on him and make sure he was safe. But there was something about the way he held you, the roughness of his demeanor belying the gentleness of his fingers as he brushed away your tears. And when he ran that calloused thumb across your lips, you thought you might truly melt into a puddle at his feet. There was something in his eyes, something in his touch, something in the way the very air between the two of you crackled with the heat of a summer storm. You had been so sure that he felt it, too, that thing that existed between the two of you that you could not name. So you’d taken a chance and opened yourself up to him in a way you had never done before. Everything you had to offer—your mind, your body, your heart—they were all his for the taking.

But you were wrong. Gallus didn’t want you. That’s why he’d told you to leave. He was probably embarrassed for you, the mousy little slave girl who thought Rome’s champion would actually want her. He could have any woman he wanted—the most beautiful courtesans in Rome would fall at his feet. What would he want with you?

That’s why you hadn’t argued or tried to plead your case when he’d tossed you out of his cell last night. Attempting to piece together the shredded remains of your dignity, you’d simply turned and fled into the night, barely making it out of the ludus before the tears started to fall.

Phoenix had been out of her mind with worry when you finally returned to the female slave quarters, her dark eyes wild with fright when she caught sight of your disheveled, hysterical state. It took a few moments and several deep breaths before you were finally able to assure her that none of Atticus’ guests had accosted you. But when you eventually were able to explain to her the real cause of your tears, embarrassment and shame tingeing every word you whispered, her worry turned to shock, which was quickly replaced by anger.

“He’s an idiot!” she seethed, wrapping her arms around you and stroking your back as you continued to cry. “I’ll talk some sense into him.”

“Phoenix, no!” you gasped, practically choking on your tears as you tried to keep your voice down. “That will only be even more humiliating! He doesn’t want me, don’t you see? We’ll just leave it at that. Oh, but how am I ever supposed to return to the ludus after this?” you whimpered, covering your face with your hands. “I’m so ashamed!”

“You have nothing to be ashamed about,” Phoenix told you sternly, pulling your hands away from your face. “I’m the one who should be ashamed for calling such a fool my friend. There has to be an explanation for his behavior, Sabina. Trust me,” she said, brushing your tears away with her fingertips.

Not wanting to prolong the conversation, you just curled up on your sleeping mat and closed your eyes, although the tears just kept spilling down your cheeks until you could taste the salt at the corners of your mouth.

You must have slept a little bit, because when you awoke just as the first hints of dawn were beginning to break through the small window in your quarters, you rolled over and found that Phoenix was already up and gone. Your stomach sank sharply. You truly hoped she wasn’t off to talk to Gallus as she had threatened.

With the villa already a flurry of activity, you didn’t have much time to dwell on it. Rising and dressing quickly, you grabbed a piece of stale bread from the kitchen before you set about cleaning up the evidence of your masters’ disastrous banquet. Most guests hadn’t left until the early hours of the morning, and in the bright light of day, it became apparent just how much carousing and revelry had gone on the night before.

Atticus and Aurelia seemed to be sleeping off their hangovers, which at least meant that you and the other household slaves could go about your chores in peace, for a few hours anyway. You spent most of the early morning helping clean the gardens, which had apparently been the chosen destination for more than a few rendezvous last night. By the time Phoenix found you, you were on your hands and knees, scrubbing the mosaic tiles of the fountain Dominus had just installed a month ago. It was of the Roman hero Hercules, and you suddenly found yourself unable to look at it. Just a few weeks earlier, you had smiled to yourself, thinking how much it resembled Gallus.

“There you are! I’ve been looking all over for you,” Phoenix exclaimed, dropping down to her knees beside you and grabbing a spare rag so that she could help you.

“It’s been a busy morning,” you murmured softly, turning your face slightly to try to hide your puffy eyes from your friend.

Phoenix, however, was no fool. Reaching out, she rested one hand on your shoulder and waited until you finally looked at her. “I spoke to Gallus.”

“Phoenix!”

“I had to! If nothing else, he deserved a good tongue lashing for the way he treated you last night,” she replied stubbornly, returning to her task and scrubbing at a particularly pesky stain.

When she said nothing else, your curiosity got the best of you and you bit your tongue before asking, “And? What happened?”

“Ah, so you do care,” Phoenix winked, her eyes twinkling as she nudged you teasingly.

“Phoenix!”

“Alright, alright,” she said, throwing up her hands in surrender. “As I suspected, he had his reasons for doing what he did last night. I don’t necessarily agree with them, and I told him so, but I promise you that his intentions were good.”

Your stomach fluttered at her words, but you tamped down foolish hope before it had a chance to grow wings.

“What were they?” you asked, trying to sound casual, though you both knew you were anything but.

Phoenix shook her head, which caused your pulse to quicken nervously. “He has to be the one to tell you that, Sabina. He assured me that he would.”

“But, Phoenix!” you argued, running a clammy hand down your face. “I—I can’t! I can’t go back there and face him, not after everything—”

“Sabina,” Phoenix interrupted, pulling your hand away from your face and squeezing it tightly. “He’s going to be leaving in a few hours for the Colosseum. This may very well be—well—you don’t know what the Fates have in store,” she said, her voice much more subdued and her expression suddenly downcast. “You don’t want to have any regrets that you didn’t set things right between the two of you before he goes. Trust me. Just go talk to him. Please.”

As terrified as you were about the prospect of facing Gallus again after all that had transpired, you were even more terrified at the prospect of letting him leave without saying goodbye, knowing that it was possible you would never set eyes on him again in the land of the living. The thought alone made you feel ill.

So that was how, once the gardens and the fountains were cleaned, you had somehow ended up trailing behind Phoenix on your way to the ludus once more.

Neither of you spoke as you walked behind your friend, nervously twisting your sweaty palms in the folds of your tunic. You hadn’t felt this afraid to enter the gladiator training grounds since that first day that Titus had asked you to assist him. The day you met Gallus for the first time.

As you came closer to the training arenas, you realized that the ludus was a hive of activity. With it being the first day of the summer games, everyone was in a frantic rush to get everything ready for the transport to the Colosseum. You and Phoenix were able to slip by most of the men without attracting any sort of attention.

That was, anyway, until you began to approach the Pugiones’ training grounds.

“Ladies! Come to wish us luck?” Caius called out, grinning broadly as he flexed his muscles just for show. “Apollo already beat you to it,” he added with a chuckle, indicating the little orange cat who was currently rubbing up against his ankle.

He was standing with Pollux and Felix, but the other Pugiones were nowhere in sight.

“Of course,” Phoenix grinned in return, taking your hand as she pulled you over to where your friends were standing. “We couldn’t let you leave without wishing you all the best.”

“Are you alright, Sabina?” Felix asked in concern, noting the wan expression on your face despite your best attempts to mask it.

Caius and Pollux both turned in your direction, looking equally concerned.

They were off to put their lives on the line in the Colosseum and they were worried about you? The thought alone was enough to make you want to curl up and weep. But you didn’t. Instead, you straightened your spine and forced what you hoped was a calm and reassuring smile onto your face.

“Of course,” you fibbed, nodding your head slowly. “Just a bit tired after last night. I’ve never served at a banquet quite like that before.” It wasn’t totally a lie.

“Don’t remind us,” Pollux sighed, rolling his eyes skyward. “Of course Atticus couldn’t let the evening pass without trying to put on a show. But it looks like Gallus bested him at his own game,” he added, the men sharing pointed looks with one another before turning back to you and Phoenix.

“I’ve never seen him lose control like that before. At least, not outside of the arena,” Felix said, shaking his head. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen him that angry before either.” He shot you a sideways glance before continuing, “I heard him last night, in his room. It sounded like he was trying to turn every piece of furniture he owns into firewood.”

Caius and Pollux grimaced, but said nothing.

His words instantly caught your attention, however. All of Gallus’ furniture had been perfectly intact when you arrived at his cell last night. Had he started destroying things after you left? But if so, why?

Phoenix glanced at you knowingly before reaching down to scratch Apollo behind the ears. “See? He knew enough to come back to wish you boys luck before you leave. Not that you’ll need it. You’re the best of the best. You always come home.”

Her words hung in the air as the five of you looked at one another, no one wanting to admit out loud that it was a very real possibility that someone—maybe more than one someone—wouldn’t be coming home tonight.

“You’re all going to be great,” she went on, clearing her throat as if to dislodge the emotion that had suddenly wedged itself there. “The people love you. Give them a show, and then come back in one piece, will you?” Avoiding eye contact, she quickly wrapped each of them in a hug before stepping back.

“Good luck, boys,” you told them, not trusting yourself to say much more for fear that you would break down crying. Following Phoenix’s lead, you gave each of them a hug before stepping back and quickly wiping away a traitorous tear at the corner of your eye.

Caius, Pollux, and Felix all cleared their throats as well, shifting from one foot to the other.

“Well, we’d better finish getting ourselves prepared. We’ll see you both tonight,” Pollux told you, emphasizing his last statement to let you both know that none of them had any intentions of losing today.

As the trio walked away, Phoenix sighed softly and turned to look at you. She bit her lip, glancing over both shoulders before whispering, “I’m going to try to say goodbye to Carnifex. I’ll meet you back here, okay?”

You simply nodded in response, for your mouth suddenly felt as dry as sand. You glanced over your friend’s shoulder in the direction of Gallus’ cell, but your feet felt rooted to the ground.

“Hey,” Phoenix murmured gently, reaching out to take hold of both your hands. “It’s going to be okay. You’ll see.” She gave you one last squeeze of reassurance before nudging you in the direction of Gallus’ room, her own path diverging as she headed towards Carnifex’s.

Taking a deep breath, you forced yourself to put one foot in front of the other, your body moving as if of its own accord until you were finally standing outside of the cell that you had run from not very many hours before. Your stomach flopped anxiously as you lifted a hand to knock, hurt and humiliation and fear and worry all roiling together inside you like the stew that Alba was always stirring over the hearth fire. Before you could think better of it, you rapped a couple times on the door, pulling your hand back as though it had burned you.

It seemed to take an eternity, and you were about ready to turn and flee once more when the door suddenly swung open and you were standing face to face with the man who had stolen your heart, much as he evidently would have preferred not to.

Just as it had the night before, the air between you seemed to crackle like Jupiter’s thunderbolts. Your breath got caught in your throat as you gazed up at this giant of a man who made it so difficult to think straight whenever he was near. He looked dressed for battle, and you realized you had never before seen him in his full regalia for a bout in the Colosseum. With his leg greaves, armguard, and protective belt, and his shoulder-length hair tied back from his face, he looked every inch the mighty Hercules, ready to slay the Nemean lion.

You were embarrassed to realize you were staring, mouth slightly agape, but that was when it dawned on you that he was staring, too. His dark eyes, which looked almost golden in the midmorning light, were wide as he gazed down at you, one of his large hands, which had cradled you so tenderly last night, gripping the door frame as if for dear life, his scarred knuckles turning white from the effort.

Your heart skipped a few beats when it struck you that you had no idea what to say to him. In all the time you had been growing closer to him, that had never been a problem, but now your brain couldn’t think of one logical or reasonable thing to say. The only thing that came out of your mouth was a small and hesitant, “Hi.”

It seemed as though he had been holding his breath, for he suddenly let out a long sigh, his chest heaving slightly as he continued to look at you. “Hi,” he rasped, lowering his hand to his side. That was when you noticed the bruises and cuts that you were fairly certain hadn’t been there the day before, and were once again reminded of Felix’s words.

Not knowing what else to do, you looked back up at his face and said, “Phoenix said that I should come talk to you.”

Was it your imagination or did he deflate slightly, his shoulders stooping somewhat as he nodded in response? Had he been hoping you would come see him of your own accord?

“Yes, of course. I know how persuasive she can be,” he replied, one corner of his mouth turning up in a half-smile as he attempted to lighten the mood. When he saw that your expression didn’t change, however, his smile fell. “Would you like to come in?”

You hesitated, not confident you had it in you to cross that threshold again.

“Please, Sabina,” he begged earnestly, leaning towards you, but then thinking better of it and stepping back again. “There’s no excuse for how I treated you last night. For what I did. But I’d like to try to explain it to you. I don’t want to lose—to lose you. Please?”

Something in his voice, in the genuineness of his expression, compelled you, and you nodded, stepping into his room and glancing around slowly as he closed the door behind you.

In the corner of the room was a mound of broken bits of wood that had been swept together in one neat pile. Your eyes flickered towards the table where you and Gallus had often passed a meal together, and your mind registered the fact that there was now only one stool residing beneath it. But there, at the center of the table, sat the small carving that you had bought him in the Forum—the wolf and the dove. It seemed like a lifetime ago.

Turning, you found that Gallus’ tormented eyes were fixed on you, his gaze flicking quickly towards the carving before landing back on you once more.

“Sabina,” Gallus began slowly, his voice thick and heavy, draping around you like a blanket in the tight confines of his cell. It had never felt as small as it did at that moment.

“I’m sorry, Gallus,” you interjected, unable to bear the awkwardness any longer. “I’m sorry about last night. I presumed too much, and you were right to turn me away. We don’t need to speak about it again, and I promise that I will remember my place from now on.”

He let out a loud breath in the silence that followed, as if he had just been punched in the gut. “You’re—what? You’re sorry?” he repeated incredulously, his eyes going wide once again. It took him a moment to fully process your words, but then he was shaking his head and stepping closer to you. “Sabina, you have nothing to apologize for. Nothing. I’m the one who needs to be apologizing to you. I treated you abominably last night. I hurt you, even though that is truly the last thing on earth I ever wanted to do.” 

With each statement, he drew closer to you, but you could tell his movements were slow and intentional. He didn’t want you to feel caged. He made sure there was space for you to move away from him, if you so chose. But you made the choice to remain rooted in place as he approached. 

“I didn’t want to turn you away,” he confessed quietly, just a handbreadth away from you now. Your breath intermingled as he angled his face downward, capturing your gaze with his own. He lifted one hand, painfully slow, and ghosted it against your cheek as he whispered, his voice husky, “And you presumed nothing.”

Your heart began racing at his words, at his touch, at the nearness of him. It felt as though your body was physically aching with need for him, but you were frozen. This was almost the same situation you had been in last night, but it had ended so disastrously then.

“Why?” you breathed out, your hands tentatively reaching out to rest against his bare chest. You could feel his body go taut beneath your palms, his throat tightening as he stared at you. “Why did you make me leave if you didn’t want me to?”

You wanted so desperately to understand.

“Sabina,” he said your name again, so reverently it almost sounded like the prayers of the priests as they made their offerings to the gods. “There—there’s so much I want to tell you. There’s so much I need you to understand,” he told you, looking like a desperate man as he cradled your face in his hands, his forehead coming to rest against yours.

“I want to understand, Gallus,” you whispered in return, closing your eyes and breathing in the scent of his skin. You wanted to commit it to memory forever. “Please, whatever it is, just tell me. Help me understand,” you pleaded.

“You have to know—”

His words were suddenly interrupted by the sharp blare of a horn blasting outside.

Startled, the both of you turned towards the door, Gallus still holding your face between his hands. His gaze darkened as he glared forward.

“It’s time for us to go,” he stated, a sense of defeat in his tone as he turned back to you. “Atticus can’t catch you in here,” he added, a strain of something else—fear?—marking his words.

“Gallus, please, talk to me. Tell me, whatever it is,” you begged, tears stinging your eyes at the thought of having to say goodbye to him now, with so much still left unsaid between you.

“There’s no time,” Gallus murmured regretfully, sounding near tears himself. He caressed your cheek lightly as he leaned in, your foreheads touching as they had before. “We’ll talk…when I get back. I promise.”

“Come back,” you begged, taking one of his large hands between both of your own and squeezing tightly. “Please come back to me.”

“I will always come back for you,” he whispered, pressing a kiss to your forehead before stepping back. “Go, now, before anyone sees. I’ll see you tonight. I promise.”

“Goodbye, Gallus,” you breathed out, wrapping him in a tight embrace before tearing yourself away and making for the door.

You were nearly out of hearing range when the words, “Goodbye, little dove,” floated past your ears.

Fighting hard not to break down weeping, you ran to find Phoenix.

Phoenix was finding it shockingly difficult to keep from weeping herself as she stood in the center of Carnifex’s cell, wrapped in her lover’s embrace as the two of them silently held one another.

She hadn’t intended to stay long. She had only wanted to wish him luck and say a quick farewell before the men were trundled off to the Colosseum, but Carnifex had other plans.

“There you are,” he’d murmured when she slipped into his cell, rising from the edge of his bed and wasting no time in taking her into his arms, his kiss as hungry as it always was—even more so, perhaps.

“There isn’t time,” she had scolded him, slapping his hands away as he began fumbling with the ties of her tunic. “And besides, that isn’t how you should be spending your energy right now.”

“Ah, and are you my lanista now?” he teased, honoring her wishes and opting for running his fingers through her hair instead. She’d worn it loose to come see him, knowing how much he loved to play with her long, dark locks.

“I should be, considering I seem to know just the way to tame you, stubborn beast that you are,” she smirked, wrapping her arms around his muscular shoulders and kissing him again. “I can’t stay long,” she added a moment later, lowering her feet to the floor and releasing him from her hold. “I just came to say—”

“Don’t leave yet,” Carnifex interrupted, his tone urgent, desperate even. “Please. Stay. Just for a few moments longer.”

“Carnifex,” Phoenix murmured, biting her lower lip as she glanced over her shoulder. “If anyone catches me in here…”

“Let them catch you!” His words burst forth as impetuously as a child’s.

This man. He would be the death of her.

“How could you say something like that?” she demanded hotly, her frustration matched only by her infuriating affection for this impossible gladiator. Forcing a calming breath out of her lungs, she moved closer to him and took his face between her hands, looking deeply into eyes so green, they reminded her of the seafoam back home. “You know what would happen if we were found out. What Aurelia and Atticus are capable of. Do not tempt them, or the gods, with your arrogance.”

“I would defy all the gods for just a few more moments with you,” he insisted, his hands coming to rest on her hips as he drew her in closer and pressed hot kisses to her neck.

“Then you are a fool!” she snapped, angrily pushing him away and turning her back on him. “I knew this was a mistake!”

He was silent behind her, and regret filled her veins at the harshness of her tone.

“Carnifex,” she murmured, spinning back to face him once more. Her heart was pierced by the look of hurt on his face, the look that he did nothing to try to mask.

Stepping closer to her, until they were no more than a breath apart, Carnifex stared down at her, his expression inscrutable as his light eyes bore into her dark ones.

“Would you miss me?” he asked, his voice giving nothing away.

“What?” she asked, shaking her head and trying to back away from him. “Stop it.”

“Answer the question, Phoenix,” he demanded, matching her step for step. “Would you miss me? Do you care what happens to me in the arena?”

“What kind of question is that?” she huffed, growing more frazzled by the second. She had just come to wish him luck and to see him off. What was all this?

“A question you still haven’t answered,” he shot back pointedly, crossing his arms over his chest and continuing to stare her down. “Well?”

“Of course I do!” Phoenix exploded, running her fingers through her hair like a madwoman. “How could you even ask me that? Why do you think I’m here?!”

“Why are you here, Phoenix?” Carnifex pressed, arching a brow coolly.

“Because I couldn’t let you leave without saying goodbye! Is that what you want to hear?” she practically shouted, for once not caring who heard them. “Because my heart is breaking at the thought of you walking through those gates and never returning, and I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if I let you go without seeing you one last time!” Her chest was heaving as she battled the force of her own emotions, wanting to both claw and kiss him at the same time.

Carnifex made that decision for her, easily closing the gap between them as he lifted her into his arms and engulfed her in a kiss so hungry, so forceful, so tender that for a moment, she lost all sense of time and space.

Burying her fingers in his hair and wrapping her legs around his waist, she kissed him back with equal fervor, the two of them devouring one another as if it was their last meal on earth.

“Phoenix,” he groaned against her lips, gripping her body tightly and molding it to his. “Oh, Phoenix.” He never wanted to forget the feeling of her pressed against him.

There were no more words left to say as she silently slid back to the floor, her arms still wrapped tightly around him while he buried his face in her neck, inhaling the sweet scent of her hair, that hair that forever reminded him of ravens and the darkness of night.

They held each other like that for what could have been minutes or hours. Neither of them were quite sure. But when the blast of the horn signaling the men’s departure broke through the shield of their private haven, they slowly broke apart, their eyes trained on each other’s faces.

“Just come back, you hear me?” she told him, forcing herself to maintain a stiff upper lip. “Preferably in one piece so that Titus and I don’t have to spend all night stitching you back together.”

Carnifex couldn’t help but chuckle at that. No one could accuse his Phoenix of being a soft woman.

His Phoenix. When exactly had she become his Phoenix? Was she really his?

“I’ll come back. I always do,” he assured her with a wink, giving her one last kiss before walking towards the door. He told himself that he could leave without looking back, but his head turned of its own accord when he reached the threshold.

He would carry the image of her, standing with that raven hair loose and wild about her shoulders, with him into battle today and all the days of his life.

Once he was gone, Phoenix waited a few moments before slipping out of his cell, each step she took feeling more painful than the last as she fought back the tears that threatened to overwhelm her.

She didn’t have to go far before she found you hidden behind a lavender bush near the break between the ludus and the villa, wiping tears off your cheeks and making a brave effort to compose yourself.

“Oh, my sweet friend,” she murmured in understanding, sitting down on the ground beside you and wrapping you in her arms. “They’re going to come back,” she promised. “They will.”

Even as she said the words, she knew they rang hollow. What did she know? How could she make such promises?

She couldn’t.

Like you, all Phoenix could do was sit and watch as the men were loaded up and carted away, being shipped off to an uncertain fate in which the odds were most certainly not stacked in their favor.

Swallowing back the bitterness and the fear that threatened to consume her, she clung to you and whispered over and over again, “They’re coming back.”

The insatiable roar of the crowd pounded in his head, rattling his bones and beating like a drum in his bloodstream.

This time, however, it wasn’t a dream.

They roared his name, those bloodthirsty Romans who hadn’t been satiated by the hours upon hours of beast hunts, public executions, and brutal gladiator matches they’d already witnessed.

Nothing would ever satisfy them, Gallus realized. No matter how this match ended today, they’d still come back tomorrow, braying for more blood to be spilled across the sands of the arena. They were the most soulless people he had ever encountered. There was nothing honorable about death in the Colosseum, about men who were stripped of all means of protection and devoured by feral lions and tigers, about prisoners of war shrieking for mercy as they were hacked to pieces or torn limb from limb, about slaves who were pitted against one another and forced to kill just for the chance to see another day, when they’d be forced to do it all over again. And all for the entertainment of the thousands of people who surrounded him now, their ugly faces red and puckered as they screamed for violence and bloodshed.

The Romans called his people the barbarians, but he had never known a more barbaric people in his life.

Sweat dripped into his eyes, making it even harder to see beneath the bronze helmet that hindered his peripheral vision. As the pounding in his head intensified, Gallus gripped his sword all the tighter, holding it out before him in a defensive gesture as he subtly adjusted his hold on the shield he carried.

His was the very last match of the day, the grand finale to wrap up the inaugural day of the summer games. He had spent all afternoon in agony, thinking of you and worrying about the fate of his friends. As the day wore on and he watched Caius, Pollux, Felix, and Carnifex each walk through the Door of Victory one by one, he was able to breathe a little easier. But it didn’t change the anxiety he felt about his own bout. Magnus had informed him upon their arrival that he had been paired to fight against Aengus, a Gallic gladiator who was thus far undefeated and growing in popularity.

There was once a time in his life when it didn’t matter to him who he was paired against. He cared very little whether he lived or died, so it mattered very little to him what his odds were of defeating his opponent. But now, for the first time, Gallus wanted very much to live. He wanted to leave the arena through the Door of Victory. If he didn’t, he would never get to see you again. And that was not an option.

Aengus had proven to be an admirable opponent indeed. The two of them had been battling for close to thirty minutes, with neither side making much headway. Domitian and all his sniveling cronies didn’t seem to mind, not so long as the gladiators they had paid for put on a good show. For it was only when the people grew bored that the emperor’s good will evaporated.

And there was nothing more dangerous for a gladiator than a foul-tempered emperor.

But Gallus and Aengus had been living up to their reputations as undefeated champions, prowling about one another in a dangerous dance as they lunged and parried, nicking flesh and targeting weak points, but never quite succeeding in bringing the other to his knees.

The deafening screams of the crowd smothered the heavy breathing of the two men fighting for their lives upon sand that had already devoured the blood and mangled flesh of countless beasts and men alike that day. The thought struck Gallus as he circled his enemy—no, not his enemy, just the man they would force him to kill if he ever had any hope of seeing you again—that this stadium had seen more brutality and death than many a battlefield.

And many of the men who had fallen here had fallen at his hands.

He could hear people shrieking his name, goading him on to victory and demanding that he finish his opponent off. His opponent—a man who, like him, had no say in becoming a murderer for sport. A man whose only crime was trying to stay alive.

He couldn’t think like that. He couldn’t. Not now. He couldn’t look at Aengus and see the humanity in him. For if he did that, it would all be over. He might as well fold now and offer his throat up to the other man’s blade. He needed to be ruthless, to cut this enemy down with single-minded focus and determination. It was the only way.

He needed to do whatever it took to get back to you. He had promised he would always come back for you, and he wouldn’t break that vow.

Fueled by the need to get home to you—to explain everything to you as he had promised and make you understand—Gallus’ strength was suddenly renewed and he pounced at Aengus, bringing his sword down against the other man’s shield so roughly that he felt the force of it vibrating up his arm.

The people went wild, but he ignored them all. This wasn’t for them.

Aengus had taken a fair number of shots at him during the match, and his body was hurting, but as he observed his opponent carefully through slitted eyes, he realized that the Gallic gladiator was suffering more than he had initially thought. Though he masked it well, Aengus was favoring his left side and his chest was heaving erratically, indicating that his breathing was growing more labored as the match went on.

“Come on, barbarian!” Aengus called out tauntingly, waving his sword in the air, almost a bit impatiently. “Let’s finish this!”

Crouching down into an attack position, Gallus took his time, circling the other man slowly, his eyes never leaving his face. Perhaps this was what he needed. He could wait the other man out, draw on his impatience and force him to react impulsively. For in the arena, impulsivity often meant fatal mistakes.

The spectators were growing restless, buzzing with the need to see more blood spilled before they packed up and went home for the day. Their cries were growing manic, their feet and fists pounding as they howled for death.

Gallus thought only of you, and he waited.

His patience was finally rewarded as, growing frustrated by the lack of action, Aengus rushed at him, sword raised high even as his shield arm hung dangerously low. He let out a loud cry—what must have been the battle cry of his people—as he leapt at Gallus.

This was Gallus’ chance and he had to take it. He had spotted the chink in Aengus’ armor as they’d been circling one another, but he needed just the right moment to take advantage of it. And now, with the other man’s shield arm weakened, that moment had arrived. As Aengus ran at him, Gallus waited until the final second to lift his sword and plunge it into his opponent’s shoulder, severing bone and muscle as he did so.

Aengus roared in pain as he collapsed to his knees, somehow managing to remain upright even as Gallus pulled his sword out of his shoulder, soaked in the Gallic gladiator’s blood.

The crowd’s reaction reached a fever pitch, the people screaming for Gallus to finish him off, this undefeated champion who they had once cheered for.

He had never known a people so fickle as the Romans.

Gallus didn’t even look up at the emperor’s box, though at this point he knew Domitian must have been giving the people what they wanted and indicating the sign for death with his thumb.

It was time to finish this.

As he raised his sword, Aengus raised his head and met his eyes from behind his own helmet. “Do it,” he said stoically, staring death in the face without a hint of fear.

Swallowing, Gallus raised his sword and pointed it at Aengus’ exposed throat. The Romans loved a drawn out, torturous demise, but he knew he could end this man’s suffering in one fell swoop.

“You would be doing me a favor,” Aengus chuckled, tossing his own sword down onto the sand at Gallus’ feet. Pain flashed in his eyes as he told him, “I can be with my Clodagh again.”

Respect for this man flooded every fiber of Gallus’ being. He had fought well. He had fought nobly. And he was willing to face death like a true warrior. He had made his people proud.

“May your Clodagh be there to greet you,” Gallus murmured, thrusting his sword forward and turning away as the light went out of Aengus’ eyes.

Jaw tightening, he threw his helmet down to the ground and stormed towards the Door of Victory, refusing to meet the eye of the emperor or any of the tens of thousands who cheered his name and showered flowers and gifts down upon him.

He had lived to see another day, but as always, it was at the cost of another man’s life. This time, it was a man who had willingly succumbed to death so that he could be with his love again.

Your face, your beautiful, precious face, was the only thing on Gallus’ mind as he stalked down the tunnel towards where Magnus and the other Pugiones were waiting for him, clapping him on the back and welcoming his return.

They didn’t cheer him. They knew, as he did, that there was nothing to cheer for, much as the Romans may have disagreed. There was nothing but silent acknowledgement among all of them that they had lived once more, that the gods had not yet seen fit to cut their chords of life, and that they would be returning home together.

Home.

Gallus had never considered the household of Atticus Cornelius Juventus to be home. He had never considered anywhere to be home after he was dragged away from the rolling hills of Britannia.

But as he climbed into the cart that would carry him in chains back to the villa of his master, he thought of you and for the first time since he’d stepped foot in Rome, he knew that he was going home.

All afternoon, you and Phoenix had been working side by side in silence, sick with worry and fruitlessly trying to avoid thinking of all that could be happening at the Colosseum.

Apollo, sweet creature that he was, seemed to sense your anxiety and kept curling up in your laps or against your sides as the two of you scrubbed the training weapons and washed and hung the laundry in the ludus.

At least Aurelia had gone to the games with Atticus, so you were left to work in relative peace.

You couldn’t eat, couldn’t speak, couldn’t concentrate or think straight. All you could do was wonder what it was that Gallus had wanted to tell you, and pray to every god you could think of that he would return safe and unharmed. The gods had never seemed to hear or care about your prayers, but you begged them all the same. It was the only thing you could think to do. You were powerless to do anything else.

The sun was well past its zenith and beginning to sink lower in the sky when Titus suddenly appeared, as if out of nowhere. He was panting slightly and running a hand through his thinning hair.

“They’re coming,” he told you and Phoenix, the both of you freezing in place. “I’ll need your help.”

He said nothing more as he turned on his heel and rushed back to the main gate of the ludus, which was opening now to welcome back the gladiators who had returned victorious.

You and Phoenix turned to look at each other, reaching out and squeezing each other’s hands, exchanging silent words of comfort and assurance before you hurried after the medicus.

Holding your breath, you stood silently and watched as the men filed back into the ludus one by one, appearing varying levels of exhausted and traumatized. Some were worse off than others, and you knew that Titus was already performing triage in his mind, determining who needed care more urgently, and who could wait a while longer. Your eyes flickered across each man’s face, taking in the newer gladiators your master had purchased, the ones who fought in the early afternoon as a sort of warm-up for the main events.

With a sinking feeling in your stomach, you realized that two men you had tended to recently, men who really couldn’t have been more than boys, were not among those who had returned. You blinked back tears and felt your throat constrict.

For the first time, you truly understood why Titus had warned you not to bother learning their names.

Phoenix reached out and grabbed onto your arm, her short fingernails digging into your skin as the newer recruits finished filing into the ludus, making way for the champions.

Felix was the first to emerge from the cart, followed quickly by Pollux and Caius. Your heart leapt with relief at the sight of your friend’s faces, but sank again when you did not immediately catch sight of Carnifex or Gallus.

You could tell that, like you, Phoenix was no longer breathing as the two of you stood waiting for what felt like an eternity, your eyes growing wide.

Just when you were certain your friend was going to unintentionally break your arm, Carnifex suddenly appeared, looking a bit tired, but altogether well. Phoenix let out a strangled breath beside you, easing her grip on your arm, but not letting go.

Your heart was hammering painfully inside your chest as you waited for him to appear. He had to be there. He had to be with them. The rest of the Pugiones had survived, and he was the very best of them. You felt hysteria bubbling up inside you, threatening to consume you, when all at once, there he was.

There he was.

He looked bone-tired, his strong body littered with superficial cuts and bruises, but he was alive. He was alive! He had come back, just as he promised.

It took everything in you to resist the urge to run to him and fling yourself into his arms. You wanted nothing more than to hold him, to see for yourself that he was truly whole and well. 

You could tell that Phoenix was resisting that same urge as she bounced restlessly beside you, her eyes never leaving Carnifex’s face. He looked across the training grounds at her, and you swore you could have started a fire with the look that smoldered between them.

Cheeks growing warm, you turned away from the shockingly intimate moment and sought out the man who had captured your own heart. As your gaze roamed across the grounds, you were drawn instantly to him, like a moth to a flame. Your eyes landed on his handsome face, and you were somehow unsurprised to find that he was already looking at you.

Your heart grew wings, fluttering inside you as if it wanted to escape your chest.

The moment between you was broken, however, when Titus called out, “Girls, come! I need you!”

You had never considered yourself an impatient person, but the next few hours were torment for you as Titus put you and Phoenix to work, helping him tend to the worst of the men’s injuries. Unsurprisingly, the Pugiones had suffered minimal injuries which had mostly been dealt with at the Colosseum. They were sent to their cells with express orders to rest almost as soon as the medicus laid eyes on them. But you and Phoenix had to spend the majority of the evening cleaning and stitching deep wounds, setting broken fingers, and assessing the amount of internal injuries potentially impacting the greenest of Atticus’ gladiators.

By the time all was said and done, and Titus had dismissed you, you still had to return to the villa to avoid raising suspicion. Thankfully, Atticus and Aurelia were dining at the home of a wealthy acquaintance, which meant that you and Phoenix could quickly scarf down some dinner in the kitchen before slowly making your way back to the ludus.

It was startlingly quiet as you returned to the gladiator school. You didn’t think you had ever seen the grounds so abandoned, or heard such silence.

As you and Phoenix approached the men’s cells, she reached out to take your hand, smiling a bit impishly. “I’ll probably be a while tonight,” she admitted, not a hint of shame in her expression. “And I hope you will, too,” she added with a wink.

“Phoenix,” you mumbled in embarrassment, lowering your head as you felt your skin grow warm.

She laughed softly, wrapping you in a tight hug before turning towards Carnifex’s cell. “Good luck,” she whispered, disappearing in the blink of an eye. You had never known anyone as stealthy as your friend.

Taking a deep, calming breath, you ignored the fact that your hands and knees were trembling as you walked towards Gallus’ cell, seeing the tiny flicker of a flame glowing through his small window.

You had barely finished knocking, the sound so soft you weren’t even certain he would hear it, when his door suddenly swung open, his dark eyes looking wild as he gazed down at you.

“You came back,” you whispered, your eyes welling up with tears as you looked up at him.

In one fluid movement, Gallus reached out and took you into his arms, pulling you into his cell and shutting the door behind you. His embrace engulfed you, your cheek pressed against his chest as he held you close and buried his face in your hair.

Closing your eyes and taking a shuddering breath, you wrapped your arms around his middle and clung to him, silently thanking whatever gods had heard you for returning him to you.

When the two of you finally broke apart, arms still loosely wrapped around one another, you took a small step back so that you could gaze up at him once more. He was silent as you examined him, the light from the candle burning nearby illuminating his skin and casting a golden glow over his dark hair.

“I was afraid I would never see you again,” you confessed, your voice small as he reached up slowly to touch your cheek.

“You were the only thing on my mind all day today,” he replied, his rough fingertips somehow feeling so smooth against your skin. “It was the thought of you that brought me back.”

Squeezing your eyes shut at his admission, a few stray tears slid down your cheeks. “Gallus, I’m so confused,” you whispered hoarsely, the sting of his rejection from last night still burning a hole in your heart. “What—what is this between us?”

He sighed softly, reluctantly releasing you and taking a step back. “It’s my fault you’re confused. I—I thought that I was doing what was best, but I selfishly just can’t stay away from you,” he muttered, almost to himself, as he shook his head and turned to face the flickering candle, the light of which caught on the small carving of the wolf and the dove.

“I don’t want you to stay away from me,” you blurted out, stepping closer to him and reaching out to place a gentle hand on his arm. “Gallus, please. Talk to me. Tell me what’s going on. Help me understand.”

Gallus slowly turned to meet your eye, and you could see the full weight of his agony and fear. It was staggering in its intensity, and you found yourself trembling in response. But you held firm to his arm, showing him that you were not going to run away.

“Sabina,” he began quietly, his voice a desperate rasp between you. “Atticus is not a good man.”

You blinked slowly, your heart suddenly seizing with terror. What had Atticus done to him last night? And was it all because of you, because of what Gallus had done to defend you? You felt sick.

“What—what happened?” you asked softly, afraid to know, but also recognizing that it was the key to understanding Gallus’ actions last night.

Sighing again, a soul-deep sigh, Gallus leaned forward and rested his palms on the flat surface of the table. He was quiet for several minutes, but you stood beside him, patiently waiting.

“Sit down,” he told you gently, pulling out the one remaining stool and setting you down upon it carefully, making sure you were comfortable. He paused again before saying, “Atticus has always known that he hasn’t had anything to hold over my head, and it makes him crazy. I’ve never truly cared whether I lived or died, and there isn’t anything he can take from me that I haven’t lost already.”

You sat perched on the stool and listened to him carefully, still except for one hand nervously twisting in the folds of your tunic.

“He’s tried many times to lure me with gifts and rewards, trying to find some kind of weakness in me that he can exploit for whatever his purposes are. That’s what he does, Sabina. He watches people and he learns their weaknesses and he uses them against them.” He sighed again, running his hands through his hair as he clearly fought to continue on. “And I always thought that I was safe from all that, that there was no weakness he could find in me, nothing he could manipulate to get to me. But now there is,” he admitted, fixing his gaze on you slowly.

“What is it?” you asked, your pulse pounding in your veins.

“You.”

The word hung between the two of you, suspended as if in midair as your eyes widened and the truth of it etched itself across Gallus’ face.

“Atticus knows that I care for you, that I would sooner die than see any harm befall you. And after the stunt I pulled at the banquet last night—well, now there’s no denying it,” he grimaced.

“Oh, Gallus, I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!” you exclaimed, feeling responsible for the turmoil he was facing.

Gallus held up his hand, halting your apology. “No, Sabina. This is all me. I’m responsible for this.”

“I still don’t fully understand,” you said slowly, biting your lip as you looked up at him. “Last night, during the banquet, when Atticus pulled you away—what happened? What did he do?”

“It’s not what he did,” Gallus told you, his voice low and saturated with bitterness. “It’s what he threatened to do.”

You felt nauseous all of a sudden, but you couldn’t quite explain why. You sat silently, both hands resting still in your lap, waiting for Gallus to go on.

He surprised you by suddenly kneeling on the ground before you, taking both your hands in his and resting his forehead against them. “Sabina, this is all my fault. I wanted to protect you. I’m so sorry.”

“Gallus, what is it? Whatever it is, just tell me,” you coaxed gently, slipping one of your hands out of his grasp and resting it atop his head, running your fingers through his hair.

When Gallus finally lifted his head to look at you, his misery was so profound that it took your breath away. “He threatened you, Sabina. He knows now that he finally has something to hold over my head. He made it clear that should I ever do anything to displease him, he would take it out on you, that he would hurt you and—and—” It seemed that there was more on the tip of his tongue, but he couldn’t bring himself to say it.

Gasping softly, you took his face between your hands and pressed your forehead to his, absorbing all the pain and fear and misery he had been carrying around all on his own. The horror of his admission—and of just how awful a man your master truly was—washed over you, but you clung to him all the tighter, refusing to let him go.

“I thought—I thought that if I could distance myself from you, push you away, that you would be safe,” Gallus went on, pain cracking his words and splitting them in half. “Sabina, last night—you have to know how much I—but I—”

He had been trying to protect you. What you had understood to be rejection and indifference was in reality a testament to just how much this man cared for you. He was willing to break his own heart, to let go of you forever, if it meant keeping you out of the clutches of your vindictive master.

No one had ever cared for you in such a way before.

“Gallus,” you whispered, stroking his face as you stared deeply into those dark golden eyes of his.

You understood now the magnitude of what it meant to give yourself to him. You thought of Phoenix and her fear of having her relationship with Carnifex found out. You thought of the tragic, ill-fated love of Rufus and Niobe. It was a risk, a danger to give your heart to him and accept his heart in return. It would make sense to do as he said, to distance yourself from him and let him push you away.

But he was the first glimpse of true happiness you had ever known in this life that was not your own. With him, you felt alive in a way you never had before.

You had known nothing but pain and suffering and misery since you were six years old. Your heart had been broken more times than you could count. You had survived and pushed forward anyway, compelled by some force you couldn’t name and certainly couldn’t understand. But you knew, with undeniable clarity, that you would not survive this heartbreak if you had to give him up. It was like you had been drifting out at sea all these years, and he was your first real sight of the shoreline—of safety, of security, of home.

You could not let him go.

Whispering his name once more, you wrapped your arms around his neck, threading your fingers through his hair, and pressed your lips to his, kissing him so tenderly that you felt your own heart shatter and then begin to knit itself back together again, stronger than before.

Gallus was still for a moment, frozen beneath your touch as your lips covered his. But then, as if by instinct and the guidance of some invisible force, his arms came to wrap around your waist and he rose slowly, pulling you off the stool as he did so. One hand came up to bury itself in your hair as he kissed you back, his mouth moving against yours in a way that was almost shy.

You moaned softly, tightening your grip on him as you stood on your tiptoes, melting into him. You felt the wetness on your cheeks, but it took you a moment to realize that they weren’t your tears.

Pulling back, breathing heavily, you stared up at him, at this man who had captured you, mind, body, and soul, and found that he was crying.

Lifting your hand, you brushed away his tears, as he had done so many times for you, and smiled at him through the haze of your own emotion.

“I am yours,” you vowed, pushing his hair back and cradling his face in your hands. “No matter what anyone does to me, I will always be yours.”

“Sabina,” Gallus breathed out, pulling you into his arms and kissing you again, relief coursing through his body as he held you close.

He held you like he would never let you go.

And as you kissed him, your mouths fitting together like they had been carved by the gods for that express purpose, you knew with unwavering certainty that there would never be another for you in this life.

He was yours, and you were his. Forever.

TAGLIST: @callsign-magnolia @eli2447 @lt-spork @dlea203 @cherrycola27 @mikpieboo @callsignblondie @morgan108 @aprilwithapricots @up-thereinthesky @gigisimsonmars @na-ta-sh-aa @fav-fanficssss @lewmagoo @kmc1989 @inky-sun @je-suis-prest-rachel @amortentiadrops @jostyriggslover96 @nolita-fairytale @roosterscock @bradshawsbitch @shouldershimmycity @missathlete31 @andfreeshipping

[june-julie]

oh also i remember that one time atticus replied and talked to me on social media and gave me heart emojis as thanks for me being a fan and so yeah i'm fangirling and freaking out about that years later LOL another thing is in regards to acting his character JB from the hardy boys is coming back in the 3rd season and final season so i'll be watching him in that when it comes on july 26th also yeah same i think he's super underrated as well and deserves more awards for his acting range and recognition too

Omg in fangirling for YOU right now that is a total dream come true and super sweet of him so lucky 😭😭😭 I think I’d use that as a flex card for YEARS to come like;

“oh you remember him from that one show? Well we’re literally besties so beat that” 🤭

And I heard about that too! I’m super excited for it but I’m gonna miss not watching it too :((( I am legit on all platforms supporting atticus so he can get that bag lol

[morticasims]

hinata blanco

 hinata was just a fresh face in the modeling industry before she first met courtney. she grew up in a loving home, her parents adopted her and they loved her so much. they gave her whatever she wanted, but all hinata wanted was a sibling to play with and talk to. her parents loved her she knew that, but she was also sent away to boarding school. the friends she did make would be the snobby popular kids. she did not like them at all and they never picked upon it. hinata was a master of disguise when it came to showing emotion, it was a good trick growing up, but now with her current life status it’s a weakness.

 when courtney and her first met it was at a photoshoot. her eyes meet his and he had no desire for her, but they had to interact several times afterwards. eventually courtney started noticing her after many trips to the bar with other co-workers. they started off occasionally kissing secretly in the bathrooms and locking eyes from time to time. she fell in love with him on the first kiss if she was being honest with herself, but due to courtney’s reputation she was scared. she was going to stop seeing him when she realized that she loved him. it was too late and so was her period.

 she found out she was pregnant. now she had to say something to the del sol valley’s most eligible bachelor and how he was going to be a father. hinata herself was very happy about becoming a mother, but extremally uncertain to how courtney would react. they never really established their relationship between each other nor to the public. so imagine the scandal of it all, she could picture it in the headlines now. hot new arm candy to courtney vernon is pregnant??

it went like this.

 hinata invited courtney over to her place for a drink. he accepted the invitation, mainly due to the fact that man cannot turn down a drink. she sits on her couch nervously biting her teeth and holding her knees up against her chest. he knocks on the door, she gets up and wipes her face. the feeling of her chest was something she’s never felt before, but the smile he had was a warm one that had made her regain her words. 

 she welcomed him into her apartment and he went straight to her bar top, acting as he does the many times he has been here before. they would usually drink, get drunk, go to her room, and the rest was history. tonight though is different, courtney just had no idea. she is now sitting next to him after getting him his regular drink and herself a cup of water. he notices this and asks her why she’s not drinking with him. 

 her face feels cold as if she’s about to throw up, the feeling has been all too familiar lately. she takes a sip of her water and turns towards him. 

 “i am pregnant”

 he chokes on his drink and puts it down immediately. his mind is puzzling, but the only thing he think about saying is whether or not she is certain that the baby is his. as courtney is staring at her with a concerning look she can’t help, but hope for him not to be angry at her. he then speaks up and asks her to move in with him. she furrows her brows at this unexpected response. in courtney’s mind he is thinking that no matter if it is his or not the poor model will be jobless once she starts showing. so he does the nice thing and offers her a place to stay so she won’t have to worry about it. 

 since then courtney has been a wonderful dad to his son. it came as a total shock to literally everyone when they just posted maternity pictures on each others simstagrams. vivica called yelling at him saying that she was coming over right away. hinata and courtney’s relationship was stronger then ever during the first three years of the pregnancy, the birth, and so on. 

 it was when atticus turned two that garina had tried talking to courtney again. then it all went downhill for the two lovebirds. he started not coming home when he should have been off from work and then when he did come home he wouldn’t talk to hinata at all. it was a straight line down for them and then he started staying at his office like he lived there. hintata had no idea what to tell her almost three year old now, she was severely heartbroken.

 even now they are not even back to how they were with each other before garina butted in. courtney’s pr team told him to get engaged to hinata, that it would put the rumors of him cheating to an end. so he did and for now they have died down, but that was three years ago. now atticus is about to be seven years old and garina is now living with them. 

 the only thing that keeps hinata from going crazy is her son and her new job. she is a simple cook that loves to throw dinner parties and make food for the holidays. so she turned it into a career since she does not feel like she could go back to modeling once the cheating scandal started going around. 

i know it’s a lot, but it is important lore  thank you for reading it if you did. <3

[usernamesuggestionsarefunny]

That is what I thought too! That she may return (Fingers crossed, I have NEVER seen that done in a Jesus film even though it is ironically Biblical, full of potential and right there in the Bible!).

But I think that the actress leaving is the main reason for her character's death. I don't blame the actress but I totally hate it when something like that happens in any show. The character always needs to be a) Recasted like James and Philip, breaking imo suspension of disbelief, b) Die super randomly like Ramah just did, or c) Go away and barely be mentioned, making the audience question wth happened to them and why someone who was so important to the characters before isn't there anymore, cause it doesn't make sense in-world, only in the real world. So yeah, stop leaving shows midway through actors!!! (Just kidding lol, but for real, I hate it).

I know many are ok with the writing choice of her dying (Rather than recasting/keeping Ramah away from the plot through other means), but the message her death is trying to convey seems repetitive to me (Yeah, Jesus can't heal everyone because ~mysterious ways and plans are mysterious and strengthening our faith and hardship can bring us closer to God and so on~, the problem of evil and all that, we get it!!!) We already saw Simon and Little James going through the same!! The audience is aware!!

Others are going “oohh, this is perfect because this is the reason he is ‘Doubting Thomas’”, but I am like dramatically going “nooooo” because I (very personally) hate that explanation for Thomas being “doubting” Thomas. It may work for people whose difficulty with faith is related to trauma, but I relate to Thomas as someone whose doubts all over the years have had little to do with hardship and more to do with simply “intellectual” questioning (By intellectual I don't mean I am smart, though many who go through the same of course are often very smart, I mean I was inquisitive as a child and a teenager and so on, I still am, I just actively choose to have faith and trust God), and I guess I thought from a few lines here and there and Thomas's similarities to Matthew's love for logic that the show was going with the same interpretation of Thomas as that in my head. A Thomas who has logical questions and that is why he doubts, someone the average agnostic or atheist who later started opening up to spirituality again (Perhaps ALSO through questioning and doubting) could relate to, but it seems that his doubt is going to be written as more emotional rather than intellectual, coming more from the trauma of loosing Ramah than anything else. I am sure it will be very beautifully portrayed, but the potential of something different that could have been done with Thomas's characterization is lost imo

Second thing I hated this episode was Quintus's reaction to stabbing Ramah! Wth! His shock and horror at what he had done were so out of place and took the charm out of his character! He IS funny, but they are turning him into a sitcom character with how he talks tough but at the moment of doing evil he almost chickens out, or reacts as if he had. Can't we have one-single-miserable ruthless villain in this show? Who is a SERIOUS villain? Gaius is the perfect “not like the other Romans” character, and Atticus is there too, the Pharisees are complex too, with good, bad and everything in between among them, so I didn't get this directing choice of making Quintus look sad (or shocked?) about stabbing one of the people he has claimed countless times he feels little for. I get the point of Christianity is redemption, but I think showing that some people would be a lot harder to redeem or that straight-up refuse to be is important too! Don't they want “realism”?

With that said, I did appreciate Jesus's reaction and attempts to comfort Thomas. That “I love you” and “I am sorry” were very genuine.

One last thing, I think spending so much time on present drama to tackle the problem of evil is robbing the show of scenes that could have focused on Jesus spending one one-on-one time with his disciples, discussing their past hardships, traumas, sins, and so on. This could have communicated the same message to the audience, but no…

My thoughts on the end of ep 3 (don't read if u haven't seen episode 3 yet)

Well, I got a spoiler that Ramah died (but tbf it was a comment on a yt video) so it didn't really shock me that much (it was still sad tho) but, like everyone else I have some ✨thoughts✨ abt it.

When Jesus said, "it's not her time," I immediately thought that she was going to rise, just not then. There's a piece of scripture that says after Jesus died, many believers rose from the dead, and I'm guessing that she's going to be one of them. If that's the case, I think that it was a good writing decision. But if not- then it was probably for shock 🥲

[carewyncromwell]

“There's somethin' in the wind, I can feel it blowin' in: It's comin' in softly on the wings of a bomb... There's somethin' in the wind, I can feel it blowin' in: It's comin' in hotly and it's comin' in strong... Lately I've been thinkin' it's just someone else's job to care -- Who am I to sympathize when no one gave a damn? I've been thinkin' it's just someone else's job to care -- Who am I to wanna try?  But change is a powerful thing...people are powerful beings...”

~“Change” by Lana Del Rey

x~x~x~x

I was totally inspired by this rockin’ coat and decided to draw some Reincarnation-AU!Batticus, specifically during the events of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix and Half-Blood Prince. (Grim’s look is very slightly based on this -- because Atticus @cursebreakerfarrier​​​ is the OG Academia fashion icon. 🥰💙)

At this point in Bat and Grim’s second lives as Robert Bellamy and Atticus Lestrange, the two seventh-year Ravenclaws (and, the following year, Ravenclaw alumni) have solved the mystery of their past lives and are now roommates sharing a dinky little flat in London. Atticus has miraculously landed an internship at the Ministry of Magic, specifically in the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, while Robert’s an apprentice at the apothecary in Diagon Alley over winter, spring, and summer break to earn enough money to help pay the rent. 

When Cedric Diggory died in their sixth year, though, Bat was thoroughly unconvinced by the Ministry’s cover-story that it was a tragic “accident,” and -- upon colliding with Dolores Umbridge at Hogwarts in their seventh year -- was pretty soundly convinced that the Ministry was covering things up. Grim, for his part, had his misgivings about the Ministry’s version of events, but being the Lawful Good person he was, he had a bit more trouble expressing those doubts, especially now that he was on the way to joining the Department of Magical Law Enforcement himself. Sensing Grim’s inner conflict on the matter and not wanting to put him in the position where he’d have to choose between his friendship with Bat or his family and future, Bat made the decision to not tell Grim when he -- despite his intense personal dislike and distrust of Albus Dumbledore -- nonetheless chose to join the Order of the Phoenix. After all, in all of his lives, Bat is a soldier, and he couldn’t in good conscience not fight back against Voldemort and the Death Eaters, just as he did against Grindelwald so many years ago. 

From the start, however, Grim got a bad feeling Bat was keeping something from him. In early January 1996, while on an assignment with the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, Grim ended up coming across Bat, who was likewise on an assignment for the Order in hooded black robes with white trim not unlike his old British Redcoat uniform and a high turtleneck-like collar that hid the lower half of his face. Even if he was very anxious and didn’t understand what was going on at all, Grim covertly covered Bat as he fled before the Aurors could discover him and -- upon rushing back to their apartment -- helped Bat with the injuries he’d sustained. It was only that that Bat finally came clean to Grim about his alignment...and he also, having just been made aware of the Azkaban break-out, offered to leave their apartment to Grim and move out. 

“My alignment with Potter and Dumbledore already endangers your livelihood. But if your family’s out on the streets now, then that means Voldemort has gotten strong enough that soon he’ll be bold enough to act out in the open. And once that happens...well, then it’ll be open season on Muggle-borns like me. Your ancestry protects you, Grim -- your family name would protect you from people like Him. Associating with mine would put you in the cross-hairs -- ”

But, of course, Grim stubbornly shot this down. 

“You seem to have forgotten that in our previous lives, you already tried to ward me off from helping you once by talking about how dangerous it’d be for me. And trust me, you’re no more persuasive in making me abandon you now than you were then.”

“This is different -- ”

“Perhaps it is, but the result is not. I am not going to kick you out -- nor am I leaving you.”

“Grim, if things get worse, I won’t be able to protect you from the Death Eaters -- ”

“ -- then it’s a good thing I’m more than capable of protecting myself!”

“I know you are -- but they’ll try to force you to join them or die, Grim. At least if you distance yourself from me, you might be able to slip under the radar -- not draw so much attention. If you’re with me, then they’ll target you just as fiercely.”

“Well, then, we’ll just have to fight them off together, won’t we?”

“Grim...”

“Bat...I already lost you once. I do not intend to lose you again. ...You...mean far too much to me. You must know that.”

“...I do. ...I do know...Atticus.”

The occasion was one of the few times Bat has ever been serious enough to call Grim by his full name. It was also followed by one of the two men’s very first kisses, and one of their deepest.

As the War went on, Bat would continue to go on covert, mysterious missions for the Order, often coming back to his and Grim’s apartment nursing wounds that Grim would help him patch up with healing potions and spells. One particular injury, which left an array of terrible vein scars down Bat’s arm, had been the result of a Dark curse chucked at him by Atticus’s relative Rodolphus Lestrange. Meanwhile Atticus would do his best to help Bat how he could through his work at the Ministry, both under Fudge and even more so under Rufus Scrimgeour. Although one worked within the law and the other often worked outside of it, they both had the same goal in mind -- to fight evil however they could, in the hopes of circumventing the Death Eaters’ growing thirst for control over the Wizarding World. 

[wolfbaenes]

atticus smiled softly at beth's question. it amazed xochitl that she was still smiling, despite all that she'd said. she wondered how atticus could find it in herself to remain so kind and giving, even though it seemed so much had been taken from her.

"i feel other things," atticus confirmed, knitting her fingers through bailey's and smiling over at lucy and allison before speaking to beth. xochitl got the feeling that, if she could, atticus would take every hand that was extended towards her, sink into every hug that the pack clearly wanted to give her. she had done that; xochitl had seen for herself the way these people all leaned into each other's touch without thought or reservation. it amazed her every day; she just hadn't known it was so much of a struggle for atticus to actually feel what they were extending towards her. atticus nodded, more to herself than to anyone else. "i go on dates with cass, or i hang out with one of you, or i make cookies with lucy, and i am⎯i feel like i'm happier than i've ever been, you know? but the thing is that those moments end. and then i'm back in my own body, and that feeling, that joy, it goes away from me, and..."

atticus turned her eyes back to the sky and pressed her lips together. it almost hurt to watch her; liam wished, for the first time ever, that atticus would just cry. instead, she let out a breath and shook her head.

"obviously, i'm not asking anyone to be with me all the time or to keep me out of my head for every second. even if i wanted that, it's not possible, and i⎯i don't want that, i don't want anyone to stretch themselves out to make me feel like a person again. but i reach those moments when i'm not happy anymore, and the drop is so... it's so significant. going from this mountainous high to such a low that there is nothing down there, that's just⎯⎯" her lips thinned to the point of whitening and she glared down at the grass. "those days are the worst. and some days, i don't feel anything at all, not for⎯⎯for hours, or maybe even the whole day. and i try to keep telling myself that the day will be over and i'll feel again, but the fear that i won't is... when i feel it, it is so overpowering, i can't even think around it."

"i have a question," elliot said. "maybe an insensitive one, but... attie, are you still taking your meds?"

atticus paused before shaking her head. "not anymore."

"okay," elliot said simply.

"they even me out⎯⎯the mood stabilizers. i stopped taking them when i... during that month. i thought maybe something would come back to me if i did. and now i'm scared that if i start again, then i'll..." she shook her head again. "i don't know. i'm sorry."

"there's nothing to be sorry for," elliot promised. "i didn't ask because i think taking them or not taking them is the right thing. i just know that they do affect your moods sometimes, and i was wondering if that could be a factor."

"maybe we can find a psychiatrist for you?" cole offered. "i know it's hard to talk about these things, given our situation, but... so many therapists give online sessions, even from afar. and there are sanctuary cities for supernaturals⎯i'm sure we can find a therapist or psychiatrist in one of those cities who'll take you. i'm not sure if that'll make much of a difference, but getting a professional opinion on whether the meds might help or not could ease some of that anxiety around going back on them?"

atticus considered it for a moment, before giving another strained but relieved smile. cole had been one of the most hands-on helpers in her recovery; it was the big sister instinct in her, she'd joked. she'd want someone to take care of lucy, if she was going through this, and she'd be damned if atticus didn't have help, too. every day, atticus was thankful for cole's help⎯⎯for all of their help. "i'd really like that, actually."

cole smiled at her. "yeah? okay. we can do some digging into sanctuaries, find someone who you can be totally honest with. we can figure it out, i promise. i'll start looking as soon as we finish up here."

atticus gave her another grateful smile, then looked at holly as the chimera spoke. the question, despite being perfectly understandable, made atticus pause for just a bit. it wasn't often that she ever spoke about her sister. not because she didn't want to, but because they'd agreed it was safer not to. but this was the safest space atticus had ever resided in; the only safe space she'd ever known.

"my sister," she began, "nina⎯she's three years older than me, and she's still in ipswich. i left ipswich when i was a freshman, um⎯⎯i tried to kill myself," she said, softening her tone. this wasn't a part that she'd ever really spoken about before; a few people in the pack knew, but not many. it wasn't a part of her history that she was particularly fond of. "i'm not depressed," she reassured everyone. she'd always been transparent about her struggles with autism and borderline personality disorder; she would have told them if she were depressed, too. "and i'm not actively suicidal, or even passively so. my coven was drugging me; iron sulfate, which is... poison, basically, for witches. i was an outed lesbian and my magic wasn't⎯isn't normal. and my coven was... puritan, really. very strict and conservative, and nothing about me was passable."

she pulled in a deep breath. it amazed daryl, honestly; he felt like he hadn't breathed at all since she'd started speaking. he knew, of course, that some of the pack had attempted to take their own lives before. some of them still had scars from it; some of them were honest about it, for the sake of making sure it never happened again. that didn't make it any easier to hear about it, especially from the ones that hadn't been open about it before.

"i was... i don't know, thirteen? i was thirteen when they started drugging me, but i didn't know it. the pharmacist i went to, back in ipswich⎯he was part of the coven. pretty much everyone was. so he knew, and... he started lacing my mood stabilizers with iron sulfate. and when i started to feel wrong, they just gave me antidepressants with iron sulfate. they were killing my magic, and a witch is only as alive as her magic is, so..." she looked down at her hands, wrapped around bailey's and cass's. "it's why i'm only good for communicating with the nemeton now. i can still do magic, of course⎯powerful magic, even. but i can't do the things that i used to.

"anyway⎯⎯the pills were killing me, everything about me. and i just didn't..." she bit her lip and shook her head. "i didn't want to die like that. sick and weak and surrounded by people who hated me anyway. so i..." after a moment, she cleared her throat and smiled again, reassuring. "i didn't go through with it. my sister, nina, she⎯she was everything to me. she was the only person who still loved me, honestly. so i told her what i'da lmost done. i was fifteen, she was, like, eighteen, and she was the only person i could talk to. she was actually the one who figured out what was happening with my pills. she was amazing," she said, a small smile on her face.

"so we, um. she, mostly, not me⎯⎯she came up with a plan to get me out safely. and that plan included running away... kind of faking my death. but the only way it would succeed was if she stayed behind. she had to stay; had to make sure no one looked for me or, if they did, make sure that she could warn me. and when it was safe, when we both knew it was safe, then she would come find me. i couldn't tell her where i was back then, and i can't go to ipswich now or ever again, so i haven't... i haven't spoken to her since i left. i mean, we have a way of communicating if there's ever an emergency. if they do come looking for me, or if i need her or she needs me⎯⎯we can talk. we can talk to the earth and the earth will listen and pass the message along. but if i do that, then it's⎯⎯that's pushing the red button, you know? once she finds me, they all do. and, like, honestly, what are the chances that the coven still hates me enough to kill me? i... i don't know. so we promised never to risk it unless we absolutely had to."

jude wrapped her arms around her knees, watching atticus sadly. she didn't have any siblings herself; she'd been in foster homes with other kids before, but she'd been adopted at such a young age that she didn't remember them anymore, and the mayers had never taken in another child. but jude had allison, and just going a few days without talking to allison made her miserable. she couldn't imagine having to go years without talking to her now that she had her. she didn't know if she'd survive that.

"but, um." atticus cleared her throat. "i check in on her sometimes. social media and stuff⎯i don't reach out, but i do see. i know she's okay. and she was, um⎯still is, probably⎯really amazing. funny, and dramatic, and so full of life. the most beautiful person in the entire world, no contest. you know, i wanted to be like her so much when i was younger; she's the reason i got into theater; she's the reason i'm so happy that earth is my element. then, of course, the bpd kicked in and all of those dramatics became, like, a medical concern and whatnot. but nina is⎯⎯she's the most amazing person in ipswich, absolutely. literally the only reason i'm alive. also the reason i'm scared of my meds sometimes, but that's not actually her fault⎯can't shoot the messenger."

she laughed weakly, looking down at her hands again. then she gave holly a smile, wide and grateful. "thank you for asking about her. i don't... i'm always afraid to talk about her, but... i'm glad i got to. and you don't have to thank me or apologize to me for what happened. i'm⎯⎯holly, i would give up everything to make sure that you got to see your sister again." she looked at sebastian and xochitl, too. "and to make sure that you guys got out, got to be free. what i lost is nothing compared to what the world gained just by getting to have you in it. don't apologize to me for that."

"and i cry at these all of the time," lucy added, nodding supportively. her fingers twitched instinctively towards atticus, though they were too far away to touch, as though reaching for her was second nature and stopping herself was the conscious thought. holly watched it in awe, amazed at the physical closeness they all seemed to share. when they were held by the dread doctors, when she was in eichen, their closeness had been whispers between cracks in the walls and underneath doorframes; for all of the love she felt for everyone she had been through so much with, she had never been able to have this kind of physical closeness, not the way the pack did. it was nice, she thought. it was wonderful.

even as atticus spoke, holly couldn't help but notice how in tune with her everyone else was, how closely the seemed to listen, how acutely they seemed to be feeling her pain. lucy's hand reach out again, this time laying palm up in the grass towards atticus, and she leaned closer to her; it seemed like they all did. even as holly's own vision blurred with tears, she wasn't unaware of the fact that others in the circle were crying, too. she didn't miss the way cass and bailey pressed close to either of attie's sides; the way cass rubbed her back comfortingly or the way bailey took her hand, the way cass gently brushed her tears away and bailey smoothed her hair back and played with the ends of her hair soothingly. she didn't miss the agony on cass and bailey's faces as they looked nowhere but at atticus; the way jackson and theo seemed ready to fight some amorphous something that was causing atticus pain.

and she didn't miss the white hot guilt that flashed through her. how could she not feel guilty, knowing that her rescue had come at such a terrible cost, let alone such a terrible cost to someone so kind and loving? attie was nothing but sweet and wonderful and good, and now she was in so much pain, had been for so long, all because of what had happened at eichen.

it wasn't fair.

it wasn't right.

"you can vent any time you need to. to any of us," beth said, and murmurs of agreement echoed around the circle. "it's...a horrible feeling, the one you're describing. when you feel like everything is...far away, or underwater, and you're not even connected to yourself." her thumb brushed, briefly, over the scar on her wrist as she spoke. "and fear is a feeling, but it's not the only one. are there any other times you've felt a glimmer of something, that we can help you hold onto?"

allison nodded. "you've been so brave, attie. your whole life, you have been so brave, even when you shouldn't have had to have been, even when someone should have been being brave for you. so if you need any of us to be brave for you now, to shoulder some of this, we're here. and if there's ever any small thing even that you need, or that one of us can do that will help, we're here to do it. and that's not just now, when things are relatively peaceful, that's all of the time. i promise."

cass, who had tears streaming in slow tracks down her cheeks, whose eyes had never moved away from attie, nodded in agreement. "anything, attie. always."

"always," bailey agreed softly.

"can i...can i say something?" holly asked, her voice small. quinn smiled encouragingly.

"of course. anyone can."

"i...well, first of all, i want to say thank you, and i'm sorry. if it weren't for what you did, we never would have escaped, and i never would have seen my sister again. i owe you my life, and i can never repay that, and i...as grateful as i am, i am also so sorry that finding us meant that all of this happened to you. and it is okay that you wish things had been different, because i do, too. and i am so sorry," she said, her voice shaking. "but if...if we can ask questions...i was wondering...about your sister? i just...well, i was apart from my sister for so long, and what you were saying, about how it felt like everything was taken from you...i know what you mean. and to have everything about who you are taken, and your sister too, it's...it is horrible. and i was wondering if you could tell us more about your sister? if you want to?"

[thedefinitionofendgame]

two under two

Amelia X Link multi-chapter | Rated T | Canon-divergent after 7x11

A/N: Just some Amelink (and others) fluff for y’all! After all the potential wedding talk in 17x11, I decided I just had to work on my Amelink short multi-chap fic. I’m just so glad Amelia’s found someone who is absolutely crazy about her. I am so happy for her and the little family she’s made. *SPOILERS FOR SEASON 17*

•

You can read this work on ao3 and fanfiction.net as well

Written & cover by @thedefinitionofendgame (aka me)

chapter 1 - big news calls for bigger reactions

It was now or never, and even though never sounded fine to Amelia, she knew now was the best time to say whatever she wanted to say. Clearing her throat, she felt Link’s fingers intertwine with hers under the table, which kept her calm. There’s no time like the present, Amelia thought to herself. Rip off the bandaid and get on with it! So by opening her mouth, she did just that. “We, Link and I, have something to tell you guys,” Amelia said, shifting her gaze to everyone seated around the outdoor dining room table. They were outside because the weather was finally nice enough to enjoy a meal in the outdoors, without fear of being rained on.

Everyone stopped chattering and turned to look at Amelia. There was a big crowd tonight in the backyard, as get-togethers were allowed now that all the adults had their COVID vaccines. Besides Meredith and the kids, Winston, Jo, Teddy, Owen, Leo and Allison had come over as well. Oh and of course, Jo’s adopted daughter, Luna Ashton who had been renamed Luna Ashton Brooke Wilson, to honour her birth name and her forever mom. It was definitely a full house, which made for the perfect time to announce Amelia and Link’s news; the news that they had been dreading to announce for the past couple months. Not dreading the actuality of the news so much as the reactions it would bring. Just like the time before, Amelia braced herself for the responses of her friends and sisters that telling this news would bring.

Amelia paused a heartbeat too long. While Zola, Bailey and Ellis were quiet at their kids table next to the main one, Meredith was the impatient one. “Well, out with it!” She said, raising an eyebrow at Amelia. Despite Meredith’s terrible health scares earlier in the year, the blonde had bounced right back and was as high spirited as ever. She still had to take it easy, especially when it came to heavy-breathing exercises, but for the most part Meredith Grey was back to normal.

Amelia looked at Link, who nodded encouragingly. He hadn’t forced her to announce their news in front of everyone today, and had actually suggested only telling Meredith and Maggie to start. However Amelia said she wanted to tell everyone at once, to avoid any questioning or whispering that might happen at the hospital. “Link and I are pregnant again. Tada, that’s the surprise.”

The entire table fell silent, while everyone processed the news. Maggie was the first to recover and jumped up out of her seat to give Amelia a hug. “Oh my gosh!” She squealed, engulfing Amelia into her embrace.

“That’s awesome news! I’m so happy I get to be Auntie Mer again,” Meredith said. It only made her a little sad to know that last time Link and Amelia had announced they were pregnant, Andrew had been with her and heard the news firsthand. She quickly shook her head to clear her mind of those thoughts. This was not the time nor place to think about Andrew DeLuca.

Next to Amelia, Link was receiving a fist bump from Winston and Jo smiled happily at her best friend. “I’m really happy for you, you’re gonna make a great dad times two.” Jo bounced Luna in her lap. “Are you excited to have another baby friend? Maybe it will be a girl this time.”

Link opened his mouth to reply, when Zola popped up between the new parents’ two chairs. “I can’t wait for another cousin! Can I say hi to the baby?” Nodding, Amelia pushed back her chair so that Zola could place her hands on her Auntie’s belly. Amelia was a bit overwhelmed by the well-wishes; she hadn’t expected so much attention. When she had started telling people about Scout’s coming, it was only Maggie then Link then Meredith and Andrew. People found out gradually. Oh god, Link was right! Cursing herself about her baby daddy being right about waiting, Amelia tried to drag herself out of her own thoughts.

The squeezing of her hand in Link’s brought her back. Zola had moved on, and was now happily talking about the new cousin on the way to Bailey and Ellis. Scout was napping just inside, which at least dialled back the noise. If one baby was loud, Amelia was scared to find out what two would be like.

Although she was excited. Goodness, she was over the damn moon about it. The first time Link had gotten her pregnant, she had been just scared, until Mr. Atticus Lincoln had turned her whole though process upside down. He had told her he would support her no matter what she decided; would love their baby unconditionally or drive her to the clinic if she chose to have an abortion. Amelia hadn’t ever felt that type of love before, the type that didn’t matter what she chose. It only grew with the pregnancy, at least after the whole “who’s the daddy” fiasco got cleared up. At least this time Amelia was one-hundred percent sure this baby was Link’s. She loved the baby they had made together the first time, and would love their second baby just as much.

While most of the people around the table seemed surprised, Link was very much not. When Amelia had told him she was pregnant, he had raised an eyebrow at her and laughed, before telling her he loved her and that he was the happiest man alive. With all the “athletic and aerobic” sex they had despite having four kids in the same house as them, it was no wonder he managed to get Amelia knocked up a second time in less than two years. It was more like one and a bit years, because what everyone else didn’t know was that Amelia was already five months along. They’d gotten pregnant around Scout’s half birthday. Good timing on their part...not. Both Link and Amelia weren’t against having more kids but had not wanted to discuss or try for a second for a while longer. Baby Amelink #2 was a bit of a surprise just like their older brother had been.

Owen and Teddy were the last to offer their congratulations. "Well I’m pleased for you both," Owen said, speaking for the first time since the bombshell was dropped. He didn't look at Teddy, because he knew what her face would convey. They had been wanting to add to their growing brood for the past couple months, but nothing had happened. Owen didn't think of himself as infertile, all previous mishaps had proven that, so he wasn't quite sure why he and Teddy hadn't gotten pregnant yet. Although he wasn't going to complain, especially when Amelia and Link seemed to just come to terms and that's why they chose to wait so long to announce it. He had been waiting for them to come out with their secret for a while now, after accidentally overhearing a conversation between them both in the pit post-consult. Like the good ex-husband-more like friend and fellow doctor-Owen was, he kept quiet and didn’t even tell Teddy. Now that their news was out in the open, at least he wouldn’t have to worry about slipping up ever.

Chatter continued amongst the friends, and Amelia relaxed now that the focus was off of her. She leaned back in her chair and placed a hand on her growing tummy. “You’re already a hit,” she whispered to the baby inside of her.

“Damn right she is,” Link leaned over and whispered in Amelia’s ear, sending shivers down her spine. Why did that voice always make her think dirty thoughts? Probably the hormones, and also the fact he used that exact tone in the bedroom. God Amelia, get your head out of the gutter, she thought to herself.

Amelia glanced at Link. “Are you calling girl on me?”

Link shrugged, not totally willing to admit it, but he was definitely thinking it was a girl. “Maybe. Jo said it first.”

“Oh sure, that’s what sparked it.” Amelia rolled her eyes but internally, she was smiling really big. “We already have a name regardless of their gender though.”

“We do.” Link smiled and pressed a kiss to Amelia’s temple. “Best name ever.”

“Even better than Scout?” She smiled back at the man she loved more than anything else in the world, maybe even more than Scout. Amelia loved her son very much, but it was his daddy that made everything in her life good. Every single moment, no matter how upsetting, Link somehow made it worth it. Made it worth all the hard nights and the crying sessions and the struggles to stay sober. He was her everything, and always would be. Together, they would be there for Scout and the new baby. It was always going to be them, until the very end.

Link thought for a moment. “Nope, but tied though.”

Laughing, Amelia nodded. “Alright, I can live with that.” They were quiet for a moment, then Link nudged Amelia with his elbow. She turned and saw Ellis standing beside her chair. “Hey Ellie-Belle, what’s up?”

“I wanna sit with you and the new baby. Where is it?” Ellis looked around, as though she magically expected a baby to appear outside in the backyard.

Meredith raised an eyebrow at her sister, as the youngest Shepherd pulled her niece into her lap with only minor difficulty. “If you have a girl, all I gotta say is that they’re clingy and ask a lot of questions. Such as,” she turned to Zola who was standing beside her patiently waiting to ask a question. “Yes, Zo-Zo?”

“When are we going to have dinner? Bailey’s hungry and we ate lunch over five hours ago.” Zola stated matter-of-factly.

“And with boys, you get the always hungry factor,” Meredith sighed.

“Know all about that,” Amelia said, with a pointed look at the baby monitor on the table. “I swear this kid never stops eating. He’s almost getting more action than Link is,” Amelia blurts out, forgetting there was a child in her lap and four others nearby. Well, more like 3 because Allison was inside napping with Scout.

No one really paid close attention, except Link who let out a chuckle. “Always telling like it is,” he said with a smirk. Link waited until Meredith had gotten up and headed inside with the rest of the adults and the other kids, minus the one in Amelia’s embrace, before he said anything else. “I love you,” he whispered, leaning over and pressing a soft kiss to her lips.

Amelia melted and wrapped her arms tighter around Ellis. For a minute she pretended that the small body in her lap was her own daughter, the girl’s older brother chasing after the food Bailey sought as well. “I love you too. Everyone took our surprise a lot better than I thought.”

“Of course they did. Because they love you, they love Scout and I guess they love me too,” Link added.

“They love you probably more than me. I’m the former drug addict, remember?”

“Hey, you’re still keeping your promise about not getting high. That’s all that matters.” Link placed one of his hands on Amelia’s belly, right where their baby was growing. Ellis twisted in Amelia’s lap and did the same, amazed by whatever her Uncle Link was doing. With a smile to both the girls present, he messed Ellis’ hair and then looked over at the woman he loved. The woman he had unashamedly surrendered his heart to, the woman who he would fight forever for. He had almost let her and their beautiful son slip through his fingers, but thank god his best friend told him to not mess what he had with Amelia up. She was his ever after, and it was true that before Amelia, he didn’t tell people he was in love with them often. Hookups were a thing of his past, after the gorgeous brown haired-blue eyed girl walked into his life. She had walked in, stolen his heart and stayed because they were going to be each other’s forever. They were each other’s forever.

A forever as a family of four. Because they already had Scout and a baby on the way which made them a family of four. Four was a number Link could work with, a number he sort of wanted to increase but only if Amelia wanted. He would do anything for her and vice versa. His girl was strong and brave and worked miracles everyday. If it was anything Atticus Lincoln was proud to do, it was call Amelia, his.

posting chapter 2 & 3 soon!

[thewayshedreamed]

This Time— Epilogue

A/N: Finally— the epilogue for This Time is here! I think I struggled to finish/ post this because it meant this little au was truly over, and I enjoyed writing it so much. Thank y’all again for every reblog, kind comment, and like y’all have left as you followed the story. I’ve loved every second of it!

Also, feel free to send me prompts set in this au if the inspiration hits! I’ll always love revisiting these two dummies 💕

Fic masterlist is linked below in case you need to catch up before reading the epilogue!

This Time masterlist

acotar masterlist

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Nesta awoke to the feeling of calloused hands running down her back and a heavy weight draped across her hips. She raised her head to locate the offender, her eyes trailing over a long, tan thigh, some unmentionables, a firm stomach, broad chest, and landing on a pair of bright hazel eyes.

“Would you get off of me? You’re massive,” she ground out.

He was seated across her backside, running his hands down her back in broad strokes. He paused at her lower back and repeated the motion in reverse. Once his hands made their way back to her neck, he sprawled them across her shoulders and onto the bed, as he leaned over onto his elbows to hold his weight.

“Apologies, milady,” he joked, nipping the top of her ear playfully. “I guess I’ll go.”

He started to roll away from her, but her hand reached back to grasp his cheek to stop him. She pulled his face toward her own, raising her head to graze her lips over his as she spoke.

“No. I miss you,” she breathed against his mouth.

He smiled through their kiss as his hand shifted back down her body, lifting her hips slightly. Her breath hitched as he slid into her, his mouth claiming hers as he moved. Her fingers found their way into his hair, and he grunted into her mouth as she tugged the strands. His pace increased, the only sounds in the room being the crumpling of the sheets, their bodies moving together, and the small cries Nesta emitted with each thrust. He broke the kiss to rest his forehead on the back of her own head as they finished together, whispering each others’ names as they rode out their pleasure.

He rolled onto his side next to her, and she turned to tuck her face into the center of his chest. She took a deep breath, basking in the comfort of his scent and his arms around her.

“I think I could stay right here forever,” she mused.

——————————————————————————

12 years later

——————————————————————————

Unsure of what provoked such specific thoughts of her and Cassian’s fervid affair, Nesta shook her head to snap back into the present. Her daughter’s loud squeal caught her attention, and she let out a long chuckle as she watched her run through a small flock of birds that had landed in their yard. She had her arms thrust out to her sides, trying to blend in as a member, and she flapped them in earnest as she approached.

Nesta found herself envious of her 4-year-old’s free spirit sometimes, knowing she didn’t have it in her on a molecular level. Ironically, the young girl was Nesta’s carbon copy in appearance. Her heart caught anytime Annie looked at her with eyes identical to her own, yet with an entirely different soul beneath.

“She’s such a busy body,” her son remarked, the fondness in his eyes for his sister negating his tone. He was seated in the wooden chair next to Nesta, book rested in his lap, as he watched his younger sibling run through the flock. He wore an expression far beyond his meager 10 years.

Nesta huffed a laugh at his comment, noting the amount of herself she heard in his voice. While her daughter was everything Nesta was not, her son was so much like her that it could be scary at times.

“That’s just how she’s made, love. Let her live,” she replied, with an air of mock defensiveness for her daughter.

“I am!” he insisted. “It just seems like she would be... I dunno. Tired, sometimes.”

Nesta laughed openly at that, understanding his perspective more than she could explain to him.

“I get it. She’s just different from you and me, you know? Your Uncle Azriel once told me that people like me and you need people like your sister. She keeps life interesting,” she mused, a soft smile of adoration plastered across her face for her daughter.

“Aunt Elain says Uncle Az is a know-it-all,” he snarked.

She snorted another laugh, but before she could respond, the subject of their conversation rounded the corner of the porch.

“Sounds like I need to have a talk with your Aunt Elain,” he joked, messing up his hair playfully.

“Unc,” he scowled, “stop it.” Despite his frustrations, he stood and hugged Azriel, still young enough to idolize everything about his uncle.

“Can I help with anything, Nes?” Azriel asked from over his nephew’s head.

Elain walked up behind him, both of their daughters in tow.

“ABIDUS,” their youngest, Cosette, squealed from Elain’s arms. The two-year-old was still working on “Atticus”, and Nesta had to admit it was a mouthful.

Nesta beamed proudly as her son released his uncle, turning his affections to the toddler immediately. A smile made its way to his face, and he extended his hands in invitation. She leaned forward enthusiastically, no doubt in her young mind that her older cousin would catch her every single time. She squeezed tightly around his neck as he started to walk down the steps to meet Annie in the yard.

“Coming, Cath?” he called over his shoulder to the older of his cousins.

Catherine had her arm around Elain’s lower back, her face tucked into her mother’s waist. She was tall for her tender age of 8, taking after her father. At the mention of her name, her hazel eyes peeked around Elain and brightened at the sight of her sister and cousins all greeting each other.

“Yep,” she replied shyly, as she walked down the porch steps.

“She just woke up from a nap in the backseat,” Elain explained. “She’s still waking up, I think.”

“No need to explain,” Nesta insisted as she wrapped her sister in a tight hug. “Especially to me.”

She felt comforted by her sister’s tight squeeze and held her just a few seconds longer than usual. It had been a while since they could all get together, and she’d missed her sisters greatly.

She turned her attentions to Azriel, wrapping him in a tight hug around his middle just as Atticus had done moments ago. He returned the gesture, placing a soft kiss to the top of her head.

“You never answered me, you know. Can I do anything?”

“No,” she responded as she pulled away from him, “enjoy our kids, I guess. Everything is almost done inside, so we’re just waiting on everyone else to join us.”

“Oh,” Elain interjected, “I just talked to Feyre as we were pulling up. Her and Rhys are wrangling their small circus and heading this way shortly.”

The sisters shared a low, fond chuckle at the thought of the chaos their youngest sister was mediating at the moment. There was a time where Nesta and Elain had gaped at Feyre when she mentioned she and Rhys wanting four kids, but now, it was hard to imagine their family any other way.

“Seriously, go have fun with the kids,” she ordered. “I’m going to check on the food, and I’ll bring out a bottle of wine to share until the rest of the crew shows up.”

“Where is your husband, anyway?” Azriel inquired.

“He’ll be here soon— got tied up,” she assured him, even though she wasn’t entirely sure what was keeping him.

She turned toward the door to slip back inside. Truth be told, Nesta needed a minute with her thoughts. Her memories from only minutes ago were clanging through her brain, and she needed a few minutes to get her head on straight. She could hardly host a family dinner with thoughts of her and Cassian’s early days swimming around in her head; specifically, between the sheets.

Their relationship had been everything they’d expected and more. That’s not to say there weren’t struggles here and there, but they managed to work through things as a team as they had in their years as best friends. They had dated for for a little over a year until Cassian had decided he wasn’t “satisfied” by the state of their relationship anymore, the statement still causing an ache in her chest all these years later.

Her thoughts were promptly replaced by checking on the meal she was preparing for her family. Everything was looking as it should, so she turned her attention to the glassware collection to grab wine glasses for the adults. She selected a white and a red, grabbed a corkscrew, and balanced her haul in two arms as she made her way outside.

There was an intense game of “Red Rover” occurring among the group, poor Azriel getting left out every time. None of them dared to call him over, knowing he would be able to run through their grip effortlessly. He looked totally unbothered, content to watch their family play together no matter what that meant for him.

Unwilling to disrupt them so soon, Nesta rested the wine bottles on the porch railing with the glasses next to them. She sat down in the wooden chair she occupied earlier, watching them play as an SUV pulled into the driveway. Her husband climbed out, the sleeves of his dress shirt rolled up just below the elbows and tie abandoned entirely in favor of an open neckline.

“DADDY,” Annie yelled, breaking into a full run toward the man getting out of the vehicle. She showed no regard for his slacks or polished shoes as she barreled into him, near-climbing up his legs in an attempt to reach his upper body for a hug. He lifted her easily, pulling her into his chest and kissing her hair.

“Hey, Spitfire,” he said. “Looks like you’re having a good time out here.”

“We are!” Annie yelled. “Come play with us! Unc’s not gettin’ to play a whole lot.”

He laughed, setting her down to rejoin the others. “I’d love to. Let me check in with momma and change clothes, yeah?”

“K!” She ran off, no harm done by the delay in his joining them.

He made his way over to Nesta, taking the porch steps two at a time. She rose to meet him, and he placed a soft kiss to her forehead.

“Hey, love,” he murmured.

“Hi,” she breathed. “Dinner’s done. And there’s wine if you want some.”

“Thanks. I’m sorry I’m late. I should have called, but I got caught in mediation longer than I expected. The good thing is, we’ve settled out of court, so that lightens my load for a little while.”

“It’s okay. I understand,” she assured him.

“Something wrong? You look like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders, Nes.” He reached out to run his hands over her shoulders.

“Just thinking is all.” His brows scrunched at her words. “No big deal; just some nostalgia really. Go get changed. Annie is counting down the seconds,” she laughed.

“As long as you promise you’re okay.”

“I am. I swear.”

It wasn’t a total lie. In the purest sense, she was fine. She had half of her family with her, the other half joining them any minute now. The only problems were the incessant day dreaming and the intense emotions accompanying them.

“Come on,” he urged her, lacing his fingers with hers. “I’ll change, and you talk.”

He didn’t believe her. She supposed years of marriage counted for something, but she fought the bristling of her defenses all the same. She wanted to be alone to work through her emotions, but it appeared she wouldn’t be blessed with that today.

They walked in silence, him guiding her hand in hand to their bedroom. He prompted her to sit at the foot of their bed while he started to undress, his body angled sideways to allow him to look toward her and place what he needed to on their dresser simultaneously. He pulled his keys and wallet from his pockets, placed them in the small dish, and patted around his pockets for his phone. He placed that face down on the corner and turned his attention to the remaining buttons of his shirt.

He kept his gaze forward as he spoke, and she knew he was trying not to seem as though he was interrogating her.

“What’s on your mind?” His voice was a near whisper.

“I mean.. I don’t know exactly. I’m just especially emotional today. I’ve been replaying memories from my past all day, and I can’t shake it. But it’s nothing you should worry about.” Her voice was quiet but sure.

“Of course I’m worried about it— worried about you. I can almost hear you thinking. I hope you know I’m here if you need anything is all.”

She could tell he was restraining himself, his annoyance peeking through in small ways like how he oriented his body fully toward the dresser now. The room was tense around them, but she knew there was nothing she could say that would relieve his worries without giving him a snapshot into her headspace. He would never demand it of her if she felt adamantly against it, but she had learned in their time together that he worried a little less when she shared a glimpse with him.

“One thing I’ve played and replayed in my head was the day you proposed,” she shared quietly.

His shoulders tensed but relaxed immediately, almost as if he had expected something terrible and been spared.

“Yeah?”

She bit her lip, weirdly shy about sharing the moment entirely from her perspective.

—

He is picking her up from her apartment for date night, telling her it’s a surprise. He helps her into his truck and drives for what seems like forever. They finally pull off the road into what looks like nothing but dense forest with a small, dirt road leading to nowhere. He keeps driving, suddenly making his way into a clearing. Nesta blinks against the dark several times and realizes it’s not only a clearing; it’s a small cliff overlooking the city. From here, they can marvel at the beauty of their city and the stars alike, and Nesta thinks it may be the most beautiful place she’s ever visited.

He gets out of his truck and urges her to stay until he has everything settled. She hears the tailgate open, followed by rummaging sounds in the bed of his truck. His feet hit the earth roughly, and she hears his footsteps kicking up gravel and foliage as he makes his way to her. Her door flies open, and he extends his hand to her.

“We’re having a picnic,” he announces proudly.

“A picnic? It’s dark!”

“I did think of that. I brought candles. Ye of little faith,” he teases.

She turns at the end of the bed of the truck, looking at what he has set up. The bed has blankets laid all over, extras thrown around for them to snuggle into if they want to. There are pillows haphazardly stacked toward the cab of the truck and a small ice chest in the center. He grips her waist, lifting her to sit on the tailgate, and turns to lift himself to sit next to her.

“All these pillows and blankets, and you want to sit here?” she jokes.

He is leaning on his palms, shoulders high and tense as she talks. He clears his throat.

“Um. Yeah. I guess I didn’t think that through. I probably should have talked to you first now that I think about it.”

—

“You realize I was there, right? Are you really going to put me through this cringe-worthy proposal all over again?” There was humor in his voice, and she felt like she could breathe again.

“You asked! If I have to think about it, you’re coming down with me!”

—

“What does that mean?” Her heart is racing now, and she feels the blood leaving her hands and feet.

He clears his throat a second time, a clear indication of his nerves. “I guess I should just come out with it. As you know, we’ve been together a while now, and it’s been great.”

“Still waiting on you to come out with it,” she mutters.

“Sorry— I’ve been thinking, and I don’t think I’m satisfied with where we are anymore.”

All of the blood is draining from Nesta’s face, and she thinks she may vomit. Was this really happening to her? This is why she doesn’t trust people, why she doesn’t let people in, why she doesn’t let people see her—

“It’s not enough for me,” he continues. She can’t bear to hear anymore, and she’s opening her mouth before she can think better of it.

“What the fuck? Did you really bring me all the way out here, to only the gods know where, to break up with me? What is wrong with you? Who does that?” she fumes. “Take me home.”

“What?” he scrambles, “Nes, I’m not breaking up with you.” He hops down from where he’s sitting to stand in front of her, his hands coming up to cup her face. “Gods, I’m fucking this up.”

“You are on borrowed time. Whatever it is you’re doing, you need to do it,” she orders, head still spinning.

“Marry me,” he states simply, as if it’s the most reasonable request in the world.

She blinks up at him, unsure of what she’s heard.

“I’ve never known love like I’ve known it with you. You have been the greatest joy of my life, and all I want is to continue trying to make you happy. To wake up next to you everyday. To have a family together. To be partners in this life. Nesta Archeron, will you marry me?” Tears are brimming on his lower eyelids, and she remembers she has to speak.

She nods vigorously, unable to say it out loud initially. “Yes,” she finally whispers, tears streaming down her face. This isn’t the way she thought this was going, but she’s so happy this is where it ended up.

“Yeah?” he asks excitedly. His smile is breathtaking.

“Yeah,” she assures him and pulls his face to hers.

—

He slid out of his button down and pulled his undershirt off, busying himself to try to hide the blush across his cheeks.

“All things considered, it wasn’t so bad. It all worked out,” she teased. Her heart was already lighter by talking to him, and all she had done was share her thoughts aloud.

“I fucked that up royally, and you know it. I don’t know why we can’t just let it go,” he said through a laugh.

“Never,” she insisted, reveling in his discomfort. “Actually, I’ll make a deal with you. I’ll never mention this proposal story again if, and only if, you retire it. You know exactly what I mean, too, so don’t play dumb.”

He whirled around, eyes huge as he assessed her. She took in his bare torso, as devastating as ever, and found herself growing warmer under his attention.

“I’m up here, wife. And no. No deal,” he said adamantly.

“Come ON,” she lamented, “Archeron isn’t even my last name anymore! It’s way past time to let it go.”

“Sorry, Archie. You know I’ll take it to the grave with me. I don’t make the rules,” he said, as he pulled a grey tee over his head, the color accentuating the very small strip of greys against an onyx backdrop.

The only time his grey hair was visible was when he had his strands pulled back, and in the unfair way of the universe, the only grey he’d started to show was that one strip at his temple. Every other strand had remained as black as ever, almost as if he’d placed it there artificially. He was aging like fine wine, indeed.

“What do you mean, you don’t make the rules? You quite literally do,” she demanded, doing her best to ignore her disrobing husband.

He pulled on a pair of athletic shorts and lowered himself to the carpet in front of her. He situated himself between her legs and wrapped his long arms tightly around her middle, resting his head on her chest.

“I missed you today,” he deflected.

She hummed her agreement as she loosed his hair and ran her fingers through. They sat in silence for a couple of seconds before he spoke again, his voice muffled.

“You are especially nostalgic today, sweetheart. The last time you got this sappy on me was when...” his voice trailed off as his entire body went rigid. He looked up at her, eyes full of questions.

“When I was pregnant with Atticus. And again with Annie,” she finished casually, fingers never stopping their ministrations.

“Are you serious?” His voice was equal parts excited and terrified, a feeling Nesta had been experiencing since taking the test that morning.

All she managed was a nod as tears started to roll down her face.

His hands were instantly on her face, similar to all those years ago on the tailgate of his truck, where he stood between her legs and cradled her face as he asked her to be his wife.

“We’re having another baby,” he stated fondly, then, “We were supposed to be done.”

She laughed through her tears, wiping away the few running freely down his face now.

“We were, but it looks like we’re not,” she replied. “Are you happy?”

He pressed his lips to hers, kissing her deeply and with something near reverence. “Couldn’t be happier. Can we tell our family now?”

“Of course, Cass. But I’m the one who announced it last time.”

She pressed another kiss to his lips as they stood together.

“This time, it’s on you.”

——————————————————————————

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[borealis-strange]

Chapter 6: Let me live

Summary:

His mind was still lost in Nevermore. He didn’t have enough information, that was clear, information that the prophet refused to give him. She hadn't even let him into her house (which Brian thought was exaggerated) she said she wouldn't tell him anything until she brought the other princes.

Faced with this difficulty, he opted for another option: Ask people. It didn't do much good either.

They all gave him different versions. That the barrier was created by Atlas, others said it was My Fairy King and others said it was Mad The Swine. Total chaos.

Note:

So... this is the plot twist that no one expected, not even me.

I know it's short but meh.

After the flops that were my original stories I decided to continue with this story. I still don't know if I'm going to write the whole story, probably not but who knows. I still have hopes that this story will be famous. (I doubt it)

I hope you'll enjoy it and sorry for the long hiatus

Tag-list:  @whitequeen-ofwillowgreen @likesomekindofcheese  @0-primejive-0 @starr1000 @bambirexwrites​

Brian was preparing that morning for another visit to Nevermore. He had been doing it for the past two months. Every weekend he would go out to continue his investigation.

"Water. Money. Food” Brian mentally went over what he needed while he put it in his backpack.

— Where are you going? — It was John who had just entered his room.

— There is an exhibition of the stars on the other side of the city — Brian practically already had all his excuses rehearsed — I'm going to be out all day, so don't worry about me —

— But today we have class —

Damn, Brian thought.

—Today is Monday, Bri — John reminded him.

Brian had completely lost track of time.

—Sorry, I didn't remember what day it is today — Brian got up to leave his room but John wouldn't let him.

— You don't like being with us, do you? — John asked with sad eyes.

— Why ... Why do you think that? —

— You always look for an excuse to leave and it seems that you never want to be with us —

He opened his mouth to say something but the words did not come to him. That was not true, he loved spending time with the boys but now he himself was in the middle of an important investigation. It was as if he was trying to put together a puzzle with missing pieces, he had no time for ... friends.

John gave her one last sad look before leaving.

He had to talk to them, explain his absence even though he doubted it would work.

______________

The four were in the royal courtyard. Surrounded by beautiful flowers and trees. With the warm rays of the sun and the sweet singing of the birds. The Killer Queen was explaining something about… Brian didn't know what she was talking about.

His mind was still lost in Nevermore. He didn’t have enough information, that was clear, information that the prophet refused to give him. She hadn't even let him into her house (which Brian thought was exaggerated) she said she wouldn't tell him anything until she brought the other princes.

Faced with this difficulty, he opted for another option: Ask people. It didn't do much good either.

They all gave him different versions. That the barrier was created by Atlas, others said it was My Fairy King and others said it was Mad The Swine. Total chaos.

He also asked about Atticus, without much success, no one knew anything about him. All they could tell him was that the harlequins were his henchmen and that to be careful with them. Brian had never seen them but he had it in mind.

So every time he went he ended up with more doubts. Brian felt like those conspiranoids who said the planet was flat, but at least he had some fundamentals, or at least he hoped so.

At the moment, he couldn't tell the boys, he lacked proof that he wasn't crazy.

—Isn't that so Brian? —The queen pulled him out of his thoughts.

He didn't even know what they were talking about. The boys looked at him with a bit of suspicion, since it was not the first time that had passed.

—I'm sorry your majesty — Brian apologized — I was thinking of other things —

— What were you thinking, if you allow me to ask? What's so important that you haven't been paying attention in the last few weeks? —

Brian was about to tell her one of his endless excuses but he held back. She was the queen, she must know something right?

— In ... the Nevermore -—Brian confessed

All three boys sighed at the same time, tired of Brian's obsession.

The queen raised an eyebrow

—I've been researching that forest. And I found a book that mentioned that there are magical creatures in that place. I've also been researching a certain My Fairy King. And I would like to know if… you knew something about it.—

The queen looked at him in horror.

—How can you say that?! — Exclaimed the queen.

Brian was about to say something else but the queen quickly cut him off.

— Don't mention the subject again — said the queen seriously. — And once and for all, pay attention —

Brian looked down, and felt his cheeks burn.

The rest of the class Brian said nothing more. Although he did not pay attention, his mind was still in the clouds. Both the Black Queen and the Killer Queen had the same reaction. It had to mean something, but what.

______________

Brian walked through the corridors of the castle. Even after living there for a couple of months, the architecture still impressed him. All the details of the pillars, the statues, and most importantly, the labyrinth that was the place. He was on his way to the dining room when the click of the queen's heels stopped him.

—Brian — the queen called him — I need to talk to you. Now. There was a certain urgency in her voice.

— What's going on? —

The queen looked around her to check that no one was near them.

—I know what you're doing, I know you've been to Nevermore a couple of times and I recommend that you never go there again — she said in a low voice.

Brian was about to question the queen as to how he knew he had gone there but the queen spoke again.

—The Nevermore seems like the ideal place to look for answers but it is more dangerous than it seems —

—That’s not true! — Brian exclaimed — The Nevermore is a beautiful place, full of magical creatures that are locked up. I ... I just want to help them. It's my duty as the next king, right?—

The queen sighed heavily.

—I know Brian. I've also been to the Nevermore —

Brian felt… betrayed. Why had something so important been kept from them? And most importantly, why the queens do nothing to change it.

—Why have you never told us?— Brian managed to say.

—This is all…— The queen spoke calmly — much more complicated than it seems. We have gone because we have noticed a certain imbalance in magic for years. At the moment I can't tell you much about it —

— An imbalance in magic? Is that what you are afraid of? — Brian questioned

— We are not afraid of that, but who has enough power to do it —

"Atticus" was the person that came to Brian's mind.

— Then you will keep it hidden — Brian said annoyed — Like everything else —

— Brian… — The queen sighed heavily — You will understand this better when you are king. Is not that we want to keep this hidden, we just don't have enough information. We do not want to cause panic among people —

Brian looked away. Excuses, simple excuses. The other inhabitants of Rhye had been locked up for more than 250 years and the kings did not care. They were Rhye's people, they were his people, and he had to help them.

— Please don't go again — the queen begged — I don't know what I would do if I lost one of you — The queen smiled warmly.

— I promise — Brian lied.

The queen gave her one last smile and a little patting on his shoulder before retreating.

Brian watched her walk away from her. He stood for a moment in the vastness of the corridor. He doubted the queen would watch him every second so he wouldn't do some other stupid thing. Although he had to be careful.

Brian was heading to his room, completely forgetting his hunger. He was about to go inside when he heard murmurs from Roger's room. He couldn't figure out what they were saying, besides just his name.

As soon as he opened the door, the others fell silent. They were talking about him.

— What do you want? — Freddie asked aggressively.

— I came ... to confess something — Brian stammered.

All three looked at him confused.

— When I told them that he was going to explore the city or go to a museum ... I ... actually went to the Nevermore — Brian closed his eyes waiting for a kind of reaction.

Freddie had an expression of horror, John looked confused and Roger just looked ... disappointed.

— What the hell is wrong with you ?! — Freddie yelled — Do you want to die? —

— It is just that… —

— I don't care if you have what you have to say! That is completely irresponsible! This obsession of yours is driving you crazy! —

At some point Brian stopped paying attention to what Freddie was saying, he only heard the screams. He closed his eyes tighter. He repeated over and over again that it was only Freddie who was screaming, not his ex-girlfriend.

Not even Roger defended him, he just looked at him sadly

— I am not crazy! — Brian yelled.

He saw how the others looked at him concerned.

Brian felt his heart pounding in his chest.

— You have to come to the Nevermore — Brian pleaded

The boys looked at each other with concern.

— Look Brian — Freddie said as he approached him — There are moments in life where you have to admit you were wrong -

Freddie tried to put his arm around him but Brian quickly pushed him away.

 — I'm not crazy — Brian repeated — I really need you to come with me to the Nevermore—

—Why do you need us? — Roger asked before Freddie could say anything.

— Because ... I found the prophet. And she told me that if I wanted to know Rhye's story, you guys had to go — Brian said hesitating with his words.

There were a few long seconds of silence. With each passing second Brian became more nervous.

— And if we go to Nevermore, will you stop bothering us with this? — Roger broke the silence.

Freddie looked at him in horror. Brian nodded slowly.

— I just need you to visit the prophet, so I can continue my investigation. Afterwards, I promise you that I'll never ever mention anything about it — Brian pleaded.

The boys turned to see each other again.

— I don't know — John spoke who had been quiet all this time — I don't like the idea of ​​going to a terrifying forest —

— That is no problem! — Brian exclaimed — The Nevermore is not what we thought. It is such a… magical forest. I have no words to describe it, you just have to see it! I'm sure you will love it —

— Okay, okay. Do not ruin us how the Nevermore is — Roger interrupted contemptuously, which Brian did not notice.

— Okay — Brian said, trying to calm his excitement a bit — We have to leave early this Saturday. Don't worry, I'll take care of everything —

— What have you gotten us Roger? — Freddie commented in a low voice so that Brian wouldn't hear him.

[nellie-elizabeth]

Grey's Anatomy: All Tomorrow's Parties/The Center Won't Hold (17x01/02)

Scout is indeed a cute name but it was weird that they just looped around to the original name that we'd all already heard! But whatever. Adorable. As for the rest of the episode(s)? Let's take a look!

Cons:

I a not a fan of Owen, I never really have been, so I especially resent being in a position where I feel like I need to be on his side. But Teddy? God, Teddy sucks, y'all. It's such a bummer. I loved her character once upon a time, but I don't really see a way forward from this where I can ever root for her again. Not only did she cheat on Owen, often, but when Owen gave her every opportunity to open up, when he tried to salvage something of their trust by giving her chance after chance to come clean, she still maintained her silence. Like, honestly, screw her for that. She gives Jo a whole speech about how she sabotaged her happiness because it was so unfamiliar to her, but no, I'm sorry, give me a break... remember that backstory where she was having an affair with her roommate's girlfriend who then died? And then all of this with Tom? She's a serial adulterer and not a good person.

Speaking of relationship woes... I maintain that Catherine Fox sucks. Without broader context, within this episode, it seems like it's a story about two people who hurt each other but love each other deeply, and I did like that Catherine actually used her words and apologized. But with the broader context? I just honestly don't get the affection between them. I don't believe in their love for one another. Stubborn pride is one thing, but the level of malice behind Catherine's actions? Not acceptable. Also, yes, Richard was wrong to hang out with a woman who was clearly interested in him, but this was during a time when he and Catherine were hardly speaking and basically separated, and I honestly think Catherine's behavior was way worse, over all! But even setting aside my dislike for Catherine... I just don't care about their romance!

I hope Levi gets a nice boyfriend right the fuck now, I'm sick of Nico haunting him. I want real resolution here. On the other hand, I'm glad to see that Levi still gets little subplots of his own. He's become an unexpected fave for me.

Gonna throw this out there right now: I hope Jackson and Jo are just friends and they don't do anything awkward with it from here. Please. Also, I thought Jackson and his girlfriend had already broken up, but then this episode showed a flash of them re-breaking up? Did I miss something?

While I appreciated the idea of jumping around in time to pre-Covid, through to the current situation, I also found moments of it a bit confusing, so I wanted to make a note of that as well.

Pros:

Amelia and Link are super cute! Fingers crossed this is the end of relationship drama for the both of them, because Scout is the perfect name for Atticus Lincoln's son, and they are the best Auntie and Uncle to Meredith's kids, and they're just genuinely sweet and seem happy together. While Amelia bothered me with a lot of her drama stuff with Owen, I think what we're seeing here is that her drama was feeding off of Owen's, and with a different partner the stress and pain and angst all just flow away! I'm on board the Amelia fan train at the moment! I loved how she did what she could to make up for missing Link's birthday.

Another formerly annoying character who becomes completely tolerable when in a happy relationship? Maggie! So cute! I love the long-distance thing, and I'm sure that'll cause problems, but for the moment it's absolutely adorable and I am all about it. Maggie deserves happiness. I even liked the scene with her and Catherine screaming out their frustrations, even though, as stated above, Catherine can fuck off.

I love the journey we're seeing with DeLuca. The intervention scene, with Carina so devastated and wanting to be there for her brother, and Meredith's words, asking him to fight for himself as hard as he fights for everyone else... that was all seriously so freakin' beautiful. And the girl that was being trafficked managed to get away, and was reunited with her family! Talk about a heartwarming development! Where we see Andrew now, he's doing better, he and Meredith are friendly if nothing else, and it's looking like he might be able to move past what happened and continue his successful career and a potential happy life.

While I don't want Jackson/Jo to be an actual thing, I loved the awkwardness of their little subplot here, it honestly made me so happy. Hilarious, truly. Jo is the funniest character on the show sometimes, so her crying into Jackson's mouth was honestly the most laugh-out-loud moment for me!

And the tear-jerker moment? Well, obviously when the two dads hugged in the hospital after one of them lost their son. They'd gotten into a knock-down-drag-out fight, but in that moment they were just two men in total solidarity. The fact that the kid died was so tragic, and I also thought it was a good moment of humanizing the Covid situation beyond just the basics of "wear a mask or else you're a dick." Those kids were STUPID to go to a party given the situation, but Covid didn't kill anyone, it was a fire that did that. And they were kids. At the end of the day, they should have been given the opportunity to grow up and do better. When the one dad was talking about how furious he was at his son for wasting his new kidney by going to a party, I really felt that. I have family members who are behaving irresponsibly during all of this, but that doesn't mean I think they deserve to die.

I liked Richard's plot, separate from the romance thing with Catherine, where he makes improvements at the hospital, comes into his own and regains authority after his medical issues from last year, and in the end gets to have Tom Koracick's job of Chief of Chiefs while Tom is demoted to just head of cardio!

I'm sure I'm missing someone, but I'm going to go ahead and turn to Meredith, now. Because wow! I really liked how Ellen Pompeo played this, the way she was cold and collected as she lost patient after patient to Covid, and had to tell family member after family member to come say goodbye. She has a breakdown in a supply closet (a Grey's Anatomy staple), and DeLuca helps her out. Throughout the episode, we see her really frazzled and rundown, but still trucking on, the way Meredith Grey does. And then... at the end of the episode, Dr. Hayes (dreamboat Irish doctor whose name I still had to look up), finds Meredith unconscious in the parking lot.

And Mer's on a beach. There's a figure in the distance, calling her name. It's... DEREK SHEPHERD! I don't care if this makes no sense and is ridiculous. If Izzy could have dream-sex with Ghost!Denny, let Meredith talk to her dead husband. Bring it on, I'm really excited to see what's next!

8/10