#(this is very off-topic but i've always thought it would be fun to someday do one of those things)

[egophiliac]

Where can you play ride kamens? It looks fun looking at your blog but idk where to play

it'll doesn't start until the 30th, but there's some pre-release episodes/character bits that are scattered around the website and twitter! (the links to pre-reg/download are also on the website :D)

honestly I'm really enjoying it just based off of the pre-release stuff, these characters look like they're going to be exactly that blend of ridiculous and emotionally constipated that hits me so right.

[shallyne]

The Diary of Feyre Archeron Ch. 2

Chapter two of Feyre's diary! I hope you enjoy,! Things might pick up in the next chapter

Words: 1.4k

February 7th

Dear Diary,

I feel like death on two legs. These past fews were SO hectic.

I've got the job I applied for and they agreed fairly quick for me to work the night shifts, and now I know WHY! Who would have thought so many people went to a seedy diner at the outside of town in the middle of the night? It's weird and I also need to act like nothing is different because mom knows nothing! She doesn't suspect a single thing! I guess being ignored by her has its perks?

Anyway, I'm not going down that route. Point is, I'm trying to juggle work and school and somehow get sleep at some point of the day, which worked until today when I fell asleep in Mr. Suriel’s class. And guess who woke me up? Rhysand!! He was very sweet about it but I felt so embarrassed, I basically bolted away from him and almost walked into a door. Yeah, I can't look at him anytime soon.

Also, dad is acting very weird lately. He's always in his office and barely talks to any of us if he bothers to show up for dinner, even mom and Elain.

Okay, that's it I think.

Byee

February 15th

Dear Diary,

The moon is so pretty. It's like 11pm right now and I'm not at work, I got this Saturday off to work on Sunday which even gives me a little Sunday bonus! Amazing, isn't it?

Back to the moon, it's beautiful! I've never paid much attention to it but now that I did, I never want to look at anything else again. Sitting in the moonlight and writing in my diary? That's so aesthetically pleasing, Pinterest would eat this up!

I'm also not the only one still awake, I can hear dad’s TV, he's watching the news again, as every evening although he's working much later than usual, mom is super grumpy about this. I think they even argued yesterday, I heard weird noises coming from their room.

I also have good news! Rhysand and I have to make a project together for history!! ME and RHYSAND. It's going to be so fun, as long as I keep him far away from my house. He already asked if we wanted to start the project at his house or mine, of course I said his even though I'm super nervous! We're meeting tomorrow. Should I wear the blue sweater? Maybe I can steal some of Elain’s mascara. Or I could ask her. We'll see, I guess.

I also don't know if I should leave my notebook at home. It's full of scribbles of Rhys's eyes. That's very specific but I just can't get them right! How can a person have such unique eyes? If anyone comes close to having literal starry eyes, it's him. So, what would be more embarrassing, if mom found the notebook or Rhys??

I think I'll leave it here, hide it in my closet. If mom still finds it I can lie and say it's just practice! Hopefully she won't find the R+F scribbled in the back.

I'm getting sleepy now, big day tomorrow.

Bye!

March 9th

Dear Diary,

Rhys and I got an A on our project! It was so easy working with him, it didn't even feel like working. He's not just the most beautiful guy I have ever seen, he's also so nice and incredibly smart! I think he also plays sports, what can't he do? Like, leave some talent for us!

I also got into an argument with Nesta if it's acceptable to use sus as a word. It's way too hard and time consuming to always fully spell suspiceus ous, same with saying it. Shortening it saves lots of time! She says it's stupid and to not use it in front of her friends because it's humiliating. To quote her, verbatim, “Stop trying to make sus happen, Feyre! It's not going to happen!” Rude. It's totally going to happen someday and I'm going to tell her “I told you so.” (She hates that)

Also, after weeks of acting sus, dad finally joined us at dinner and actually talked. Mostly to mom and the topic was the airplane that had just disappeared but nonetheless, he talked and his mood seemed better! He also doesn't look like a caveman anymore for the first time since he locked himself in the office, so that's good.

Mom also almost caught me eating chocolate, which would have been a total disaster. She's always making sure that we, mostly Elain and Nesta, aren't overweight. She's weighing them weekly! It's so insane. Sometimes I bring back some leftovers after my shift and sneak them to Elain and Nesta's room. They accept them and mom hasn't kicked me out of the house yet, so I assume they haven't told her. They also don't ask question when I bring the snacks, they just accept it. Good, that means they don't have to lie for me. Or I don't have to lie to them.

Okay, I guess that's it for the day.

PS: is it normal to constantly have a feeling of impending doom? Is it just PMS?

April 29th

Dear Diary,

Since Rhys and I did our project we've spent much more time together! He's so funny, he always makes me laugh. I think we've even become friends. We shared our lunch today, he got a half of my sandwich and I got a half of his! He even gave me his coke zero because he was shocked when I told him I never had any. It was amazing. (the coke, the company and the lunch)

Rhys told me he's super into astronomy, he's a nerd about it and it's so cute. I never saw him so animated about a topic! I mean, when he talks about himself. For some reason he also looks super interested when I talk about painting, he must be a good actor because I can't imagine him really being interested in art but I appreciate it anyway! No one ever really tried to listen to me about my hobbies.

I think I'm talking nonsense again, I don't know why that always happens. Sometimes my thoughts feel like a big heap of muddled words and everything is going on at once.

Oh, right, I almost forgot the most important thing! Rhys and I planned a sleepover during the summer holidays! I told him that I'd like to have a WiiU someday and he suggested a game night, because he has a WiiU, I'm so excited! I hope the time goes by fast, I can't wait. I need a break, my schedule is so tight these days, it's almost suffocating but I can't tell anyone.

It's going to be worth it, though. I'm saving my money, for what, I don't know yet. Maybe my driver's license? I have time to figure it out.

Mom is out for tea with her friends right now, so I'm using the time to listen to Taylor Swift without headphones!

May 31st

Dear Diary,

I could cut the tension here with a knife but either no one tells me what's up or they don't know. I tried to get some infos from our cook, Alis. She's always nice and she gets wind of all the gossip but she couldn't tell me what's going on.

Something isn't right and I need to know what it is, although something tells me I shouldn't. But can I just leave this mystery unsolved? Of course I can't!

It might be quiet right now, mom amd dad are in dad’s office upstairs, Elain and Nesta are in the garden and all the house staff seem to be huddled somewhere around the kitchen, whispering among themselves. Maybe I could eavesdrop? But there isn't really a way to hide without them seeing me. We definitely need more secret nooks in this house, I can't get information like this.

Nesta always says I'm nosy but that's such a negative way to look at it, I'm just curious. How is she not? How is Elain not? Is it wrong to be curious?

Especially if your parents are super jumpy for, like, the whole last week! It's super sus. Last night I knocked over the salt shaker and they flinched! Mom didn't even shout or reprimand me, she just glowered and went back to her dinner, it was sca–

Oh, hold on, the doorbell just rang, be back in a sec.

Taglist:

@captain-of-the-gwynriel-ship @starfall-spirit @rhysiedarling @corcracrow @sydney-fae25 @tothestarsandwhateverend @aayo-whatt @dreamlandreader

[milgrammer]

[ENG] Love is mine Voice Drama

Mahiru: [humming]

Es: [footsteps]

Mahiru: I wonder when the prison guard will arrive… 

Es: [enters] Sorry for making you wait, prisoner number 6, Mahiru. 

Mahiru: Ah, no. It’s okay. I only just got here. 

Es: What?

Mahiru: [giggles] Just then, it felt like I was waiting for my date to arrive. Kinda made my heart flutter. 

Es: I’m not exactly one to talk, but… I’m surprised that you can say such a thing despite being in this prison.

Mahiru: Really~? But, this unfamiliar setting makes things super romantic, you know? Thanks to it, every day has been such a delight.

Es: [sighs] What a carefree spirit you are. 

Mahiru: Ah! I get that a lot.

Es: Do you fully understand the situation you’re in, Mahiru? You’re a prisoner who’s killed someone. You weren’t brought here to have fun.

Mahiru: Killed someone… I guess I did… I can’t really deny it, can I? 

Es: With that being said, from on, I shall be conducting this interrogation with the purpose of revealing your sins. This sort of situation is anything, but romantic.

Mahiru: Sin… My sin… I guess so. 

Es: Milgram exists to reveal the sins of you, prisoners, and to hand down the appropriate judgement. So, for that reason, talk to me for a bit. 

Mahiru: Talk? Yay, let’s talk! Let’s talk! Prison guard, are you interested in me? That makes me so happy!

Es: Hmph. Trying to get me to go off track like that is futile. All of you prisoners do the exact same thing… Can't believe I always fall for it.

Mahiru: What are you muttering to yourself about?

Es: Nothing. [clears throat] I shall begin the interrogation now. Let’s see. First off— 

Mahiru: I’ll start! I’m Mahiru Shina, 22 years old. I might not be much good at anything, but please be kind to me.

Es: I’ll be the one asking the questions here! Ugh, no. I know exactly what’ll happen after that from Yuno’s interrogation. It’ll be okay. Just gotta calm down. 

Mahiru: Right. Now it’s your turn, prison guard.

Es: What?

Mahiru: What’s your name? Your age?

Es: [hesitates]

Mahiru: What’s your name? Your age?

Es: It’s Es. As for my age, I’m… 15, I think. 

Mahiru: 15 years old! And, you’re a prison guard at that age, are you? Despite being so young, you’re so admirable. If anything’s troubling you, you can talk it over with ‘big sis’ here, okay? 

Es: Hey, Mahiru. Why do I have to answer— 

Mahiru: Hey, hey! Is Es your real name? Could it be that you’re not Japanese? Don't you have a surname or anything? 

Es: I-I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. I’m Es. I don’t know anything other than that, and I don’t need to either.  

Mahiru: What? You mean you have amnesia? Oh, you poor thing. Are sure you’re not curious about it? About yourself, I mean.

Es: Not a bit. I just tackle the work I have at hand. Sparing myself of any unnecessary information helps me concentrate better.

Mahiru: Huh? But, I’m so curious about you, prison guard. Come on, let’s do it! Let’s get to know more about you, prison guard.

Es: Get to know… about me?

[piercing sound]

Mahiru: Prison guard? What’s wrong?

Es: [hesitates]

Mahiru: Hey… Prison guard?

Es: Oh… yeah. Uh… I apologise for that. 

Mahiru: Did you zone out just then? This job must be pretty difficult, so you might be mentally burned out from work. Herbal tea’s good for that, you know? Oh! Like ginkgo tea—they say it helps improve brain function. 

Es: Oh, is that so? I’ll try a bit then… I mean, no! Enough about me. We’re in the middle of an interrogation at the moment.

Mahiru: Aw, what? But, it was just getting fun.

Es: I mean, why are you asking me questions anyway? Know your place here. 

Mahiru: But… But, you know, prison guard… I think having a mutual understanding of each other is pretty important. Prison guard, you want to know more about me, right?

Es: Well… Something like that.

Mahiru: That makes me so happy! Ah… No, that’s not what I was meant to say… In order for you to do that, getting to know each other would be the first step. Don’t you think? If I get to know lots about you, prison guard, then there will be more things I want to talk to you about. 

Es: Hm. That’s true. I guess that sort of approach might be quite effective on some people. 

Mahiru: Exactly! So, first things first, you should gather up all your courage and be completely transparent about yourself. Doing so will make your partner feel at ease, and they’ll start opening up about themselves more. 

Es: Is that so? ‘Self-disclosure reciprocity’ as we call it then? But, well…  Isn’t this quite the surprise? I didn’t expect you to be so well-versed on matters related to the human psyche.

Mahiru: Huh? S-self-disclosure reciprocity?

Es: In order to gain a deeper understanding of you, prisoners, I was trying to add whatever I could to my stock of knowledge. It was mentioned in one of the publications I read during that time. 

Mahiru: Really~? Prison guard, you’ve read it too? I’ve also read that one. That issue titled 1000 Kanto Girls’ Views on Love was so good, wasn’t it?

Es: [hesitates] What on earth is that?

Mahiru: What? So, you haven’t read it? Lain’s (1) special collection of romantic techniques!

Es: Lain? 

Mahiru: Yeah! Lain. It’s my favourite thing to read. “Fashion, trends, fortune-telling. This special collection on romance has articles about everything. If you wanna make yourself sparkle even more... Then, this women's magazine will help you get there!” 

Es: [sighs] So, it was all just a misunderstanding. Ignore what I said earlier then. 

Mahiru: Oh, that’s right! Prison guard, are you interested in romance at all? I wanna talk about it with you. You’re 15, aren’t you? Right in the heat of adolescence! Do you have anyone you like?  

Es: I honestly have no interest in those matters. 

Mahiru: What? No, no. There’s no such thing as that. Being in love is like a landmine. It'll explode someday, you know? The only thing that differs is whether it happens earlier or later in life. It’ll happen to you too. Even if you don’t have any interest in it now, one day it’ll explode for you as well. All because you’ll have that fateful encounter with your special someone.

Es: You sure do run your mouth a lot, don't you?

Mahiru: Yeah, yeah. You’ll deny it at first. I mean, I was like that as well. Before then, I always admired soap operas and shoujo manga because I thought that they depicted a world different from our own. 

Es: I don’t completely understand what you’re saying, but… Being in love and loving someone—are they really that important? 

Mahiru: They are.

Es: Hm.

Mahiru: They are… More so than anything else.

Es: I see now. [shifts] So, for you… that’s what it is. Prisoner number 6, Mahiru. 

Mahiru: Hm? What is?

Es: Somehow… After interrogating several people, I’ve started to get a rough idea of it. What you lot cherish, that is. 

Mahiru: So, what I cherish is ‘love’—is that what you’re saying? [giggles] Correct! It’s not like I was trying to cover it up or anything though. 

Es: Very well, does your homicide stem from love too? 

Mahiru: [pauses] I… guess it did. I think it was love. 

Es: So, because of love, you killed someone? 

Mahiru: I suppose… you’re right?

Es: I see. So, you became a murderer as a result of some relationship conflicts? Jealousy… Grudges… Having your partner stolen from you… Those stories aren't all that uncommon now are they? 

Mahiru: You’re wrong. It wasn’t that. I…never even wanted to kill anyone in the first place! 

Es: [pauses]

Mahiru: I just… I was… just being myself

Es: What do you mean by that?

Mahiru: [pauses] Not telling. After all, I still don’t know you that well, prison guard. 

Es: Hm. We should have a “mutual understanding” of each other, right? 

Mahiru: [giggles] Exactly!

Es: A troublesome one, aren’t you. But, that's fine with me. What are your own thoughts about it then? Do you think what you’ve done could be forgiven? Or was it absolutely unforgivable? 

Mahiru: Hmm. If you can’t forgive me for what I’ve done, then there’s no point in living—to be honest. [laughs] 

Es: So, if you can't kill anyone, there’s no point in you living—is that what you mean? My, oh, my… What a dangerous species you are.  

Mahiru: Oh, no! Uh… Those words actually sound kinda scary now that I think about it. I don’t want to kill anyone or do anything of the sort! But… 

Es: Hm

Mahiru: It's because I've… decided that I’m going to live for the sake of love.

Es: For the sake of love? 

Mahiru: I… discovered how amazing it was to be in love with someone. It’s incredible, you know? Each and every day seemed to sparkle and everything became so vibrant. It transforms such mundane sceneries into those out of soap operas and films! 

Es: I didn’t follow any of that.

Mahiru: [disappointed] I have a pretty poor vocabulary, so I can't describe it beyond clichéd phrases. But, I’m sure you’ll understand, prison guard! Once you fall in love, you’ll definitely get it! 

Es: Well, I wonder. 

Mahiru: Being in love is… If there was no such thing as love, then my life would be so bland. So, if you say that I won't be allowed it anymore, then there’s no point in me living. 

Es: Even if your love killed someone?

Mahiru: You’re so mean, aren’t you? 

Es: It was your love which killed someone, right? Despite that, will you still try to love another person? 

Mahiru: [thinks] Actually,  I was hoping you could tell me the answer to that, prison guard... If what I did was unforgivable. 

Es: What?

Mahiru: If my love could possibly kill someone, then I… shouldn't ever love another person again, I guess?

Es: [pauses]

Mahiru: Hey, prison guard, please tell me. If I love someone, is that something unforgivable?

Es: I don’t know. From the beginning, I never really understood what you were saying. 

Mahiru: Oh, I see... I guess so. There's something wrong with me, right? You can't understand me, right? 

Es: Yeah… as of now. 

Mahiru: Huh?

Es: As of now, I don't understand you—that’s what I’m saying. But, I will soon. Just wait and see. 

Mahiru: [excited]

Es: To be honest, the topics brought up in this interrogation were entirely outside my area of expertise. And, for that reason, I might have to deepen my understanding of it—just as you said. 

Mahiru: Prison guard…

Es: I’m your prison guard. Even if I have an aversion to something or if there’s something I can’t understand, I won’t just hopelessly give up on you like that… Not until I’ve judged your sins, and decided on whether I forgive them or not.

Mahiru: [happy] Does that mean you’ll always keep your eyes on me? 

Es: What? Well, it’s my duty after all. 

Mahiru: [exclaims] 

Es: What is it? 

Mahiru: My heart skipped a beat. 

Es: Just what on earth are you saying? 

Mahiru: I… guess I love people who are so enthusiastic about their work. 

Es: You… You’re messing with me, aren’t you? 

Mahiru: Ah, this isn’t good. Be careful, okay? Um… Um… If you’re that kind to me, you could die as well. Just—kidding?  

Es: I wasn’t trying to be kind to you or anything like that. I just downright, from beginning to end, had no idea what you were saying. However, I will promise you this. Rest assured. No matter what you do or what you think, I won’t die. 

Mahiru: [happy sound] 

Es: Because I’m Milgram’s prison guard—that’s why.  

Mahiru: [exclaims]

[mechanical noises]

Mahiru: W-what is this? Is it because my love exploded? 

Es: No. It’s the end of the interrogation. For goodness sake… And as always, things never go as I planned, do they? With you prisoners, I mean.

Mahiru: Uh… Um… This is what’ll be extracting songs, right? But, I’m not that good at singing though?

Es: It won't necessarily be you the one singing. Your mental landscape will present itself in the form of songs and videos—that’s all. 

Mahiru: So, you're gonna see everything… That's a little embarrassing. 

Es: Well, I don't know about that. The personal experiences I see, how true-to-life the videos are and their degree of abstraction—that all depends on the person. They might even depend on how each of you perceives your own sins.

Mahiru: Is that so? 

Es: Either way, I intend to find out what this world of yours looks like. 

Mahiru: I see. I see. I wanna watch it too. Because, for me, a world filled with love will be such a beautiful place. Oh! Prison guard, I’m sure you’ll understand how amazing love is through it as well. 

Es: Hmm. I’m looking forward to it.

Mahiru: Huh? That was unusually sincere of you.

Es: I just have a thirst for knowledge, that's all. Learning things you didn't know before is quite fun, don't you think? In order for me to understand the lot of you, I have to acquire knowledge from various fields. And, that's not exactly a bad thing in my books.

Mahiru: Really? I… guess I love studious people as well. 

Es: Shut it. 

Mahiru: You’re so mean.

Es: [sighs] The way I let you talk non-stop like that, it makes me feel like I didn't do my job properly. But, I'll ask you this just in case. Is there anything left you'd like to say? 

Mahiru: Ah… Um… Just one thing.

Es: Oh wow. You still have more to say?

Mahiru: Um… Uh, you know… Would it be okay for me to call you ‘Es’?

Es: No comment! [footsteps] Prisoner number 6, Mahiru. Come now. Sing your sins! 

As far as I’m aware, this isn’t a real publication, so unless Mahiru states the official romanisation of this author/publisher, I can only assume what it might be. I’ll update it if she does. Some alternatives might be Lane, Rein, Rain, Layne, etc. Don’t quote me on this, but I suspect that they might’ve based the magazine Mahiru reads on ‘Laurier Press’. ‘Lain’ looks similar to ‘Laurier’, so that’s why I chose it.

[meimae]

Language Learning Through Immersion: One Year Japanese Update

11/03/2021

I did it, you guys! I’ve successfully reached my very first year of Japanese language immersion! I honestly thought that I would have given up by now, but this really has been a fun and ultimately rewarding endeavor.

Studying the language has been at the back of my mind for years since elementary school, I just never really knew how to go about it before, and I always thought that I could learn it in a classroom setting someday. That someday for me was in two elective courses in university, and while those were fun as well, it did not give me the same gains that I have achieved in this past year.

It’s probably easier to quantify learning a language in a classroom setting, especially when going through a program to earn a language degree. Learning through immersion, however, I had to really consider what my goals should be on my own. Eventually, I stumbled upon an article saying that for an English speaker, Japanese was exceptionally difficult to learn and that at least 2,200 hours must be spent with the language to reach a certain level of proficiency. So I said to myself, “well okay internet, if you say so!”, and set that as my long term goal going forward.

Spoiler Alert: I did not hit that goal in my first year. I am not crazy and will never listen to Japanese in my sleep regardless of what Khatzumoto (the creator of All Japanese All the Time) says. 

I did, however, hit a total 1,226.65 active immersion hours in my first year, so I guess I’m still a bit nuts. That is 874.96 hours of active listening and 351.69 reading hours. I also did 270.59 hours of passive listening, also known as the time in the very beginning of my immersion where I was using Japanese subtitles (therefore not really concentrating on listening alone). That’s a cumulative 1,497.24 hours spent with Japanese. That’s more than halfway towards my goal! 

To further break that down for curious animanga fans out there, that’s 973 episodes from 109 anime, 765 episodes from 33 dramas, 7 movies, and 967 chapters from 107 volumes of manga (21 series). Here’s my anilist and mydramalist to see what I’ve read/watched.

During all this, I was also doing my daily Anki reps and now I have a 530 day SRS streak (includes the time prior starting immersion and only doing RTK and some vocabulary cards) and a total 8,857 sentence cards. I’ve been averaging 406 cards daily (because I’m trying to cure my leeches) and I spend about an hour per day doing reps and learning new cards. I don’t really track my time on Anki, but I do have a set timer that goes off after 1-1:30 hours.

What I haven’t touched upon at all is output. I have not gone out of my way to find a tutor or a language partner. There’s still plenty of input out there to immerse in before I even consider outputting.

Graphs, stats, and more thoughts:

Here's my current card count in my main deck (minus the cards in my new/learning queue and leeches I've been relearning which are in separate decks):

That one day in 2019 where I did not do my cards because I was seriously doubting whether I can actually stick with language learning this time around will forever haunt and inspire me to keep going everyday.

Workflow and Tips

You might be wondering, how do I have a lot of time? I started this whole endeavor in the middle of a pandemic, which eliminated the option of me going to a language school, and a slew of other things I were considering doing last year became impossible (and if anything, very scary to do in a pandemic). All I can say is that, things work out eventually if it is His will, and if I can learn a skill before everything properly settles back down again, then why not? 

I wake up at 5 in the morning everyday to either do my Anki reps or read until the time when I need to get up and I listen to compressed audio throughout the day. The biggest tip is to switch the time you spend watching/reading in your native language to your target language instead. Listen to a podcast during your commute, watch an episode during lunch break, read before going to bed, do your Anki reps in the bathroom if you have to. 

But, if you’re feeling burnt out, there is no reason for you to not take a break! I have been watching a lot of Among Us streams before bed, and I chat with my friends from time to time. Language learning is not a race.

More Stats

Here are a couple of grids of the kanji characters that I have encountered at least once in my immersion and how well I have answered them in my vocabulary/sentence cards.

It's interesting that after almost 9000 words, I have yet to encounter every single character from the Remembering the Kanji 1 (RTK 1) book by James Heisig, which teaches you the most common use characters that are part of the 常用漢字. Which brings me to the question, was writing down every single character being taught in RTK worth it every time it came up in my reviews for the first 3-ish months I was reviewing them? Maybe, maybe not. It certainly removed my anxiety whenever looking at blocks of text in Japanese, but the longer I think about it, the more I feel I should have switched to Recognition RTK earlier. Still, being able to write in proper stroke order is cool I guess, and it also helps me when looking things up in the dictionary.

Here’s the same grid but in JLPT order:

I clearly need to grind those N2 and N1 level cards! Speaking of which, I have apparently almost covered every single character that could possibly appear in the JLPT (except for the N1 which I have only covered half of) in just a year's time. If the JLPT word frequency lists I’m using are accurate, I have about 2,000 words more to go to to cover most vocabulary that could appear in the test. This makes the "10,000 sentences/words to fluency" argument a reasonable milestone to aim for for Japanese learners if said aim is only to pass the test. That said, 10,000 words is just that, a milestone. It's more akin to a comfortable level of comprehension, but not my own concept of fluency which is being able to read with ease, speak articulately, and write comfortably.

READING IMMERSION GRAPHS

My biggest motivation for tracking my stats is for the purpose of seeing whether my reading speed is improving over time. Reading speed is also easier to measure than listening comprehension which is kind of subjective, so I had a lot of fun making these. What I found is that for the first volume or chapter of whatever it is I’m reading, I always take the time to get used to the writing style of the author. My speed really improves whenever I keep reading the same topic over and over again. On the other hand and quite obviously, looking up many new words in a row and trying to parse sentences slows me down.

Manga: Reading Speed Progression per Volume

I clearly love ちはやふる and I am not ashamed to admit it.

I need to start reading longer manga. When I do, I’ll probably split this graph into less than and greater than 20 volumes. Imagine if I start reading something ridiculously long as 名探偵コナン or ワンピース, these graphs will start breaching the bounds of time and space.

Novels: Time Spent Reading per Chapter

#neverforget the time I read chapter six of Norwegian Wood for 9 hours when it took me less than half that time in English RIP. Also, my interest in Kitchen plummeted LOL. Still planning to finish it don’t worry. 

I also need to start branching away from manga and start reading more novels and light novels, too just so I can make more pretty graphs.

Visual Novels: Time Spent Reading and Daily Word Count

Also known as images that clearly show that I’ve already spent several days only reading the prologue of Island. I’m not sweating. 切那 needs to stop using words I don’t know in succession. More thoughts on this VN far into the future.

Thoughts on Immersion

I can’t really say anything else other that that it works for me, and needless to say if you’re considering this method, remember that the SRS is your friend but immersion should be your one true love.

Prior to all this, I couldn’t even read a sample paragraph from Genki without being confused to my very soul. Yes, I know, it’s embarrassing, but that’s the truth. I was way more scared of failing my Japanese classes than my actual thesis for my bachelors degree, I kid you not. I would quite literally spend all my free time in university trying to understand grammar, memorize vocabulary, and answer my workbook exercises with little to no success. 

I tried so hard to get all the grammar “formulas” into my head for 1.5 years and it only brought me more confusion. I’m never going back to traditional classroom study for language learning, but I will still refer to grammar books when I need to, and not because I feel like I need to answer 4783342 different workbook exercises like my life depended on it.

I still can’t believe it, but with immersion this statement is actually true to a point, don’t try shadowing anime/or calling your boss anime language slurs, use your common sense:

study anime to understand Japanese > study Japanese to understand anime 

Future Goals/Plans

2,200 immersion hours was my initial goal, but honestly I feel like that number could be much higher. There’s still a lot of stuff I don’t understand (news, politics, sciences, etc.), so I’ll make attempts to cover more of those things in my immersion. 

I’ll continue reading more, because that’s a natural SRS in itself. Try to read longer manga, more novels, visual novels, and light novels, and maybe news articles. 

I’ll try to mine as much “JLPT vocab” as I can before making any attempts at taking the JLPT. I noticed that a lot of the words I know don’t appear in the JLPT word lists as much, even though they appear a lot in media/daily conversation. 

Continue mining all words I don’t know because all words are useful anyway. There is no such thing as useless words. I never really understood mining only “interesting words” or words that “pop up” in your immersion. As I said in my previous blog post, 美人局 is an interesting word and I certainly caught it being said in my immersion, but in the three languages I know, I wouldn’t know when I would be able to use such a word, as compared to something like ジャガイモ which is a significantly less interesting word, but is certainly useful to know. 

_

I have managed to talk up a storm, but if you have any questions regarding my process or recommendations for new immersion material, please feel free to send an ask/reply to this post. I love hearing about other people’s language learning/immersion journeys. 

See you on my next post!

[cursedfortune]

[kazeofthemagun] ♛ >u>

[ ♛ ] send me a url and i’ll tell you the following; @kazeofthemagun

my opinion on;

character in general: Fuck me up. I love this character. I know I've said this before but I can't stress enough the long journey I went on to find this boy and it was only because of you I came to finally have it answered who the fuck this character is. The TWO pictures I have of him since I was like, 11 or 12, sitting in a ??? folder because I loved his design (and Kumo's) but I never found any names associated with the art of them. Then you like, kicked down my door and revealed the glory that is Kaze and FF:U and I'm still crying in joy and relief this mystery has been solved. What does that have to do with the character? A fuckton, I'll tell you whut. The thing is, this great mystery could have turned out disappointing. My intuition wouldn't believe that Kaze and Kumo would be awful when/if I learned of them, but there's always that possibility that just cause something looks appealing doesn't mean it actually is. I was so happy to be reunited with this mystery plaguing me and to also see these characters were also fucking fantastic that god. I was a big dumb baby. Stupid sobbing baby that also didn't want to freak you out about it asfdgfhg. Kaze? Fantastic. People overlook him and it's a fucking shame but he's... an onion. Layered. In between each layer is a gun. I love everything about him, even when he's an ass. how they play them: BEAUTIFULLY. He's a quiet boi but like, you reflect that wonderfully and in a way that still allows for others to easily engage with him, I feel. Quiet characters mean a lot to me, they are my bread and butter but I feel like they are often viewed hesitantly to engage with. You write Kaze with so much thoughtfulness, tbh. You pay mind to all his details and from them grow more lore that you further research for. The lengths you go to with the minimum content you have to avoid loopholes and keep information flowing in one direction blows my mind. I appreciate it so much. I'm not joking when I say that if I ever make bank someday I want to buy the rights for FF:U and dump it into your lap. You're like, the guardian of Kaze and the FF:U lore and how you write him is just... enchanting. Every description, every poetic line, every bit of dialogue he's willing to verbalize - it's always so clear to me and paints the scene. There's so much body language being spoken even if it's just the slightest change in his gaze. You write to highlight these things and convey what others would see of him, but then equally place it in the other's hands to see if their muse would even be able to understand it. It's a beautiful manner in which you write, okay. Your writing style is one I've always leaned towards and favored reading. You better not even get me started on how you write horror or the things you focus on/believe as horror or suffering to this boi because it's my shit and I'm all for it. I'm all for all of your writing. the mun: I'm all for YOU too. You're so welcoming to speak with and have become such a good friend. I love hearing you go off on your nerd and FF:U, or just anything in general. Your own content or whatever is on your mind. Topic doesn't matter, I really like just shooting the shit with you. I appreciate your kindness and how genuine you are about your interests. Especially when it's like, shown my way (or even towards others too!) and hearing your thoughts or answering your questions and what not. I enjoy our freak outs over these two and how they have unexpectedly grown and revealed parts of themselves that are near-impossible to access. But are still very much there and a core part of themselves. Doing deep dives late at night/early morning on character or lore stuff just feeds me. I have so much fun with you. I enjoy your brain. It's hella creative and funny and you just have this eye for talent, i feel like. no matter what you are doing, whether it be writing, drawing or animating i always find myself amazed by the things you create. it feels like you should just sign the adoption papers on this boi already ahahaha. i appreciate our ability to talk lightly or deeply at the

drop of a hat and have been having a blast all in all knowing you for like - over a year now? heck. time well spent, i say. ^^

do i;

follow them: Yes. rp with them: YES. want to rp with them: Always. Forever. ship their character with mine: Well, we got a ship of sorts yes. Unconventional ships are still a ship, right? These two certainly did the unexpected. Look. Look, the thing is, I know in Mortem's canon what her range of love is. She has a lot to give but nothing ever leaves the platonic zone. So this has been a TRIP. Going from, 'haha, we're attracted to one another' to her being smitten to the extent she can allow for it. Like, they bonded before this, which is great. I love how the two of them became just solid platonic pals, bonded by their natures and understanding for one another. Finding acceptance in each other rather easy since they just get it. But then you throw some blood on them in their first spar together and the THIRST is like, 'lol u fools i was here ALL ALONG!' and I'm dying. I'm dead. Thank you. Yes, I ship these two hard. Their dynamic is so like, peaceful. Understanding. Even when they are getting aggro with one another (whether it's a spar or they fight or she does a pendulum swing) there's such a comfort in the trust they have formed that makes it so hard for them to shake their perspectives on one another. All the things I could get into about how well their dynamic just works, how accepting they are of who/what they are and how much they can care for one another before their purpose takes lead. It kills me. Which is why the Chaos thread makes me CRY. Even if it's not as accurate now that these two decided they caught feels and all, it's still right to the gut on the feels train because it's so heavily focused on their purposes and also their bond. Which, like, think how much worse it will be if we ever reboot it or something. B) All in all. These two fucking SLAP. And also slap anyone that interrupts or interferes with them. Power slapping duo. #Never Forget Mortem Turned Him Into A Switch! *wheezes*

what is my;

overall opinion: There's so much love in my heart okay. Also, pls reblog the read out loud meme sometime cause your voice is so soothing and I keep forgetting to demand MORE lmfao. These two are like, a bundle of memes and tropes that walk hand in hand with one another and it's beyond precious. They are such violent and scary fucks but then they look at one another and it can all melt away. Or come back. Depending on the situation. And YOU are a very cool, funny, creative and wonderful soul. I love all the jokes that have formed between us and just. everything. Everything, okay?? Thank you for choosing to spend time with me. u///u

[xanderwithanx]

Chloe does night-time diary posts on HER tumblr, so I'm going to start doing them here, sometimes. It would be nice if you read it, but, please, don't feel obligated! This is more for me to write.

(I got tired of my normal journal, I guess. It's full of bad poetry anyway. Besides, where's the thrill of losing anonymity in a physical notebook?)

I've basically been asleep and depressed for several days, because I had withdrawal after not being able to get my adhd meds. But, I got it today, and DID THINGS. (This is SO much better than before!)

Today, I went to a small café or restaurant (focused on tea) called Alice's Teacup that was Alice in Wonderland themed! My long-standing obsession with Alice in Wonderland knows no bounds. It was a really cute place. I got pumpkin pancakes, and some really good iced tea. Like... REALLY good iced tea.

Still, it seemed like the entire place was geared towards having a pot of tea and snacks with your friends, which left me a bit lonely. The person I asked couldn't come, and by the time I heard back, I was more than halfway there. Still, I read Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead and watched Monty Python on my phone, so I still had a good time!

I dressed pretty eccentricly and effeminately all day, but, with my facial hair, I was ALWAYS coded as a man, even by people on the street! Pastels, a stupid hat, a crop top, and facial hair was a winning combination.

On my way, I was stopped by some guys soliciting for charity. I don't make a habit of stopping for strangers on the streets of Manhattan. What if it's a scam? What if I'm being pressured to buy something? What if it's a strange political rant? But, I had already taken my earbuds off, I wasn't in a hurry, and I'm terminally polite. The first guy said he liked my energy, which seemed to come from a genuine place, because I liked his too!

They were asking for donations for a breast cancer charity, the United Breast Cancer Foundation. After a discussion, it seems like the charity helps pay medical debt, medical bills, and other practical needs, which is much better than *some* others I could name. I regretted not being able to give their minimum there, as it was pretty high, but told them I'd give what I could when I got on the website.

I... did not. Money is tight, because I'm bad and irresponsible with money, even though this is more than a worthy cause. I didn't NEED to go to that tea place, and I don't NEED to spend so much money on food. Sure, I can justify it: I wanted to go to that place for so long, and it was near the college anyway! But, if I was responsible with money, you KNOW my friends direct fundraising drives would go first, worthy charities second. Still, I feel bad about it.

Then, I went to the college library, to get books to start my thesis research. I have literally been unable to go to the college itself, aside from getting my ID, so this was great! There just wasn't a reason. It was... very empty. I went to the library stacks, which was deathly quiet and deeply haunted by the old books. I half expected something to pop out at me, as I turned the stacks, but I wasn't even paranoid or anxious. It was like I was in something else's house. I was welcome, but on thin ice.

I picked up an irrelevant psychology book on the "schizophrenia problem" from the 1930s, out of morbid fascination, and quickly put it down when it threatened to shatter in my hands.

Some students walked past (which was a suprise in those monastic basement library stacks), and I added something to their conversation, in a totally natural and casual way. But, omg the poor girls, I made them jump! Luckily, I'm the least threatening person on earth, and we laughed it off.

After a lot of hunting, I got 5 out of my 10 books (for the most part)! (The rest are, sadly, online. I like to read physical copies.) Strangely, I only came in with a list to get 3 books out of 6.

Most of the books I got are about art in the AIDS crisis, which is the core of my thesis, I think, all with different value. One about exhibitions, one about the larger narrative of those gay artists, and another contradicting the larger narrative.

I also got a book about "Art and Homosexuality". Just, the parallel construction of both "art" and "homosexuality" across cultures and times, from earliest history to the modern age. It wasn't on my initial list, but I'm really excited to read it.

Finally, I got a book called "The Thief, the Cross and the Wheel", about the pain and spectacle of punishment in Medieval and Renaissance European art. I'm mainly interested in Italian Renaissance art of the crucifixion--and its masochism--for the second quarter of my thesis.

The rest are online, and Should mostly focus on Bacchus in the Italian Renaissance (especially through art) and what I call the art of "gay liberation", concurrent with the AIDS crisis (i.e. The Cockettes). These two topics make up the last half of my thesis.

I'm SO excited to get started!!

I even got to cross the college's sky-bridges! (The college is a few skyscrapers.) Still, the loneliness and novelty were kind of the same thought. Imagine if I had been here before COVID, or, if COVID hadn't happened. Who would I have been able to meet? What would the college buildings mean to me? Because, for now, they're just buildings. But, I got to see the street from above, and that was amazing!

Just walking through New York--the Upper East Side--on a cool, sunny day was beautiful. It takes 20-30 minutes to get from my place to the college (and the tea place), but it was great being able to listen to my music (a lot of They Might Be Giants on the playlist today) and see the city. You know, people, super cool old architecture being pushed out by terrible new architecture, and pigeons.

Oh my god, the pigeons. I took pictures, but none of them are good. I kept thinking about how pigeons and doves are functionally the same. We domesticated pigeons, which is why they're here, and no one is stopping to notice them? Even the ones that were splotched with pure white, like doves? There's only so many pigeons you can take until they're just white noise and a nuisance, I know, so don't think I'm blaming anyone! But it's so hard to look away from these quirky little birds.

Also, at one point my walk, I was vaping very strategicly. The mental task of searching through library stacks will do that to you, when you already have an addiction to nicotine. I made sure no one was around, and no one would be affected. I stopped on a corner next to an old, ornate Catholic church while the traffic light changed, and I almost juuled right next to a priest! I'm glad I stopped. I don't believe in Hell, but, I would have walked down there myself had I vaped at a priest. Still, the church advertised itself as LGBT+ friendly, so maybe they aren't so trigger happy on the damnation. Either way, I DIDN'T vape at a priest today, which is good.

Once I got back, I spent a few hours watching things with my amazing girlfriend Chloe, who you may know here as @cisphobiccommunistopinions. She is so beautiful, and I love her more every day, every time I see her. God, it's almost been 5 years!

I just wish I could spend more time with her. She's in Virginia, and I'm in New York. Like she said to me earlier, I'm flighty at the best of times, and, with my lack of object permanence for the digital world, I find myself not giving her the attention I deserve, or, the full connection I long to have with her. We used to live together. Luckily, someday we will live together again! All these problems won't be forever, and we can live together again.

We watched a lot of things, but we're pretty deep into Serial Experiments Lain right now. It's a postmodern anime from the 90s, and, wow, do I have no idea what's going on in it. It's about the internet, and potentially schizophrenia as well. However, I'm obsessed! One day I'll be able to crack this artistic code, and it's unreality, thematic knots, and double-meanings. I will probably understand it better on the second watch. I don't see myself in Lain, but I see my 14 year old self in her, when I had just developed schizophrenia. Her cyberpunk fate seems like it's railroaded towards tragedy, but I want to save her, even if it's silly and irrational.

I told Chloe that I was scared about spilling apple cider on my library books, and she referred to it as "The Great Apple Juice Disaster of September 11, 2021." To which I said that it was the second worst thing to happen in New York on that date. It was funnier if you were there, and also were in my brain at the time.

Anyway, tomorrow I'm meeting some online acquaintances from the college's "Queer Srudent Union" at a Japanese Culture Fair in a park. (I do not know which park.) It emphasizes "fun"! I don't know them very well, but they're friends with the one person I know irl, so it should be good.

Tomorrow night, I should Probably head downtown to check out a gallery show by MFA (masters of fine arts) students at Hunter! After all, I was in a group project with one of them, and they're absolutely brilliant. I missed the Thursday gallery opening by a landslide, because of the aforementioned lack of adhd meds and Being Asleep, which I infinitely regret. I could have listened to all the artists and curators talk about their art and exhibition! Maybe I could have even talked with the artists and curators. But, it's best for me to go sooner, rather than later, so I don't forget. And, I REALLY want to go.

It's "This dialogue which happened to be present in all other dialogues" at the Alyssa Davis Gallery. From the email I got, "Each of these works observes a threshold of transition. [...] [These] intimations [are] of a frame of mind shared by the artists. These works perform, record, access, engage, document, and entrap, embalming the viewer within the gallery space."

sgp is a really good artist, by the way. Their work is just next-level. Be sure to check out their art, if you have a chance. Let me link their portfolio: https://saragracepowell.com/

(I highly suspect spg and the other member of my group project ghosted me afterwards, but I understand. I was really in over my head. Still, they're both really sweet and kind people, don't get it twisted!)

I ALSO really want to see The Cake Boys. They're performing at the 3 Dollar Bill in Brooklyn on September 26th. (It's only $15!) They're the only all drag king collective in NYC! (Are... there any Other all drag king collectives out there?) Other than the fact that a lot of them are trans or nonbinary, which I love, this show is a totally non-judgmental competition for over 40 drag kings! I've heard their shows are hilarious and unique.

I just have to wait until I have $15 to spare. I... didn't eat dinner tonight, because I'm irresponsible with my money and don't want to ask my parents for money... again. Don't worry, it's literally fine, and I don't make a habit of doing this!

Which reminds me! For my birthday, my parents gave me a gift card to Lush! I'm definitely going to Lush tomorrow, which will be great. I would describe my personality as "Lush store employee acosting you about a bath bomb demonstration", so I'll fit right in.

I also made a transition timeline, to show how much I've changed on testosterone. For the better, I hope! I really believe I'm becoming, if not Have Become, the man I was always meant to be. It's so strange to look back at who I was not too long ago, and to know the absolute pain I was in. It's also strange, in a good way, to see the man looking back at me in the selfies. I'm so much happier now! Much more candid in my pictures, at least. But, I know that I'm so much more comfortable as myself than I was even 6 months ago. It's strange. Sometimes I think to myself, "I don't pass yet; I'm not who I Need To Be yet." Then, I look at my selfie from today, and... I'm THERE. My mind just hasn't caught up with my amazing, natural, normal reality.

The end. I have to get ready for bed, (even though I could be partying on a Saturday night in the city. I'm lame.) If you actually read this, I am kissing you on the mouth right now. I hope it made you calm down tonight, like a terrible bedtime story. If you didn't read it and just skipped to the end, don't worry: you did the rational thing.

[watch-grok-brainrot]

Hi! So I saw some of your commentary on translation and decided it's worth a shot to ask. Sorry if it's a bother! What is, in your opinion, the most faithful translation of this line? "Who cares about the crowded, broad road? I'll stick to my single-log bridge until it's dark". I've seen a few variations, including "into the dark". It's a minor difference, I guess, but it's such an important line, I want to know as much as possible!

Not a bother at all! I’m so honored someone would ask my opinion of a translation! And your question is delightfully open ended. i’ve been needing an excuse to go down a rabbit hole of chinese and cql! That means if i wander and end up super off topic, it’s ok! (also, this is the first ask i’ve gotten about something not due to a tumblr game so i’m really excited!) 

Any-hoot! The line in question is:

管他熙熙攘攘阳关道 我偏要一条独木桥走到黑

In short, both “into dark” and “until dark” work. But let’s talk a bit in depth about the elements of the line since you want to know as much as possible. Also, translation, IMO, is personal so you can decide what you prefer. Hopefully i’ll give you enough information to help you form an opinion. 

管他 - guan ta -  no matter, who cares. 管 has a lot of meanings: tube, pipe, valve, manage, control, care, jurisdiction, etc. 他 is him/other. In this case, together, the phrase is a VERY casual (borderline rude) way of saying who cares -- fitting of WWX’s relaxed speech pattern.

熙熙攘攘 - xi xi rang rang -  bustling/full of people. Per Baidu, this is a 成语 (1)  referring to a line from 《史记·货殖列传》: “天下熙熙，皆为利来；天下攘攘，皆为利往”. 史记 is commonly thought of as China’s first “biolographical history”. Written in the Han Dynasty, it chronicles all Pre-Han dynasties and kingdoms. It set the precedent of not discussing the current dynasty in a piece of history writing because under the circumstances one cannot be impartial (i.e you can say whatever you want about previous rulers but not those related to the current ones lest you want to risk decapitation). The passage the term is from is a section that discusses merchants. The line can be translated as “Everyone [under heaven] is happy, all arriving for profits; everyone [under heaven] is troubled, all leaving for profits.” The coming and going captured from the source is reflected by the current usage of the term as bustling/full of people. 

阳关道 - yang guan dao - character by character: sunny, pass, path/way/road. 阳关道 is a reference to a road going through a pass on the Silk Road. There were two options onto the silk road back in the Han Dynasty. The north road forces you through 玉门关 (Yu men guan). The south road forces you through 阳关. Located in modern day Gansu Province, 阳关道 is said to have been 120 meters wide (which is massive even by today’s standards!). Within this context, it indicates a well known, well traveled, busy, broad road. (2) (3)

我偏要 - wo pian yao - character by character: i, wilfully, want. So, in short, “i insist on”. Like 管他, WWX is just being casual in his speech here. The idea of willful, though, is important as a character trait for him. He will do what’s right; he will follow his path; come hell or high water. 

一条 - yi tiao - a. Seriously, the first character is one. The second is a measure word for a stick-like thing. This is a fun (aka highly frustrating for non-native speakers) part of chinese! When you refer to an object that can be counted, you need to use measure words. You use the wrong one, and the implications get odd. Sometimes I would translate measure words via “a [measure word] of [something]”. E.g. A unit of person. A head of cattle. A cup of water. BUT! If you use the wrong measure word, it seems really weird. E.g. A cup of person. A stick of water. 

独木桥 - du mu qiao - character by character: single, wood, bridge. Aka a single plank bridge. It is often paired with 阳关道 since they contrast so well. There is also a chinese saying: “你走你的阳关道，我走我的独木桥” which basically says you walk your broad path, I’ll walk my single plank bridge. It means to each their own. This is definitely part of what WWX is trying to do. He saved the Wens. He’s exiled himself from the Jiangs and the cultivation world. He says to Jiang Cheng that he just wants to be left alone to live out his life. And that sentiment is reflected in this statement about busy broad paths and single plank bridges. 

走到黑 - zou dao hei - character by character: walk, reach/until, black/dark. In this case, the color black indicates an ending. I’m thinking death or some sort of fall from grace. Usage-wise, it can just refer to the end of an alley (alleys existed even in the Tang Dynasty since cities were organized in grids). Sometimes, in a slightly longer phrasing, the wording can mean stubbornly choosing to do something without looking back. So how do we want to interpret this part of the line? Based on context of WWX, his stubbornness, and his 独木桥, I would say he is mindfully heading towards the end. For that reason, I prefer “into the dark” over “until dark”. (4)

That said, we can also be less literal with our translations! Let me offer this as an option of a fairly liberal translation that still captures the essence and the tone: “Who cares! To each their own!  I’ll walk my own path come hell or high water!”

And I’d like to leave you with the idea of LWJ saying to WWX: The feeling of “walking my own path come hell or high water” isn’t bad indeed.

Footnotes: 

成语s are idioms and are usually 4 characters long. They are super common in modern chinese. As a child, you either pick up their meanings from context or are taught the meaning. Oftentimes, the meaning derives from a story or a literary reference that are only tangentially related to the characters of the idiom. 

It’s actually a modern day tourist attraction! In my wanderings on Baidu, i saw a picture of modern day 阳关道. There was a picture of a stone memorial and the writing on the stone literally said former location of 阳关. I don’t know why i found this so funny... oh, well. 

Both  阳关 and  玉门关 are well known to Chinese children due to their presence in Tang Dynasty poetry.  For example: 送元二使安西 作者：唐 王维 (Sending Off Yuan Er Towards Xi’an by tang poet Wang Wei) 渭城朝雨浥轻尘，客舍青青柳色新。劝君更尽一杯酒，西出阳关无故人。(Morning rain in Weicheng dampens the light dust ， Making the inn verdant and freshening the willows’ color 。 I implore you to drink one more cup of wine ， Once west of Yang Guan you will have no more familiar people 。)

Full disclaimer: I might be partial to into the dark because of that Deathcab for Cutie song “I will follow you into the dark”. Also, uh… LWJ’s mood when he named LSZ (5), right?!  “Love of mine, someday you will die/But I'll be close behind and I'll follow you into the dark” FOLLOW YOU INTO THE DARK. I AM SCREAMING. What are wangxian feels?! Why are they EVERYWHERE. 

In case you don’t know, LSZ’s S and Z are 思 (si, to think/miss) and 追 (zhui, to follow/chase). LWJ explains it as 思君不可追, 念君何时归. People (i think both in chinese and english speaking fandom) explain it as “missing you but can’t go after/be near you, thinking about you and wondering when you’ll return.” I always interpreted this line very dramatically: LWJ wanted to follow WWX into death but could not because of this child. By bestowing the name on the child, he expresses his desire to chase after WWX. (also, WTF does my footnote have a footnote?!)

(I want to say I consider myself a native Chinese speaker but I grew up outside of China. I didn't go to school in China but I did manage to work my way through textbooks (aka my dad sat me down nearly every day for 10 years to teach me the language) so that I have at least a late middle school/early high school reading level. I have read the unabridged/simplified Journey to the West but none of the other famous 4 novels. From interacting with people, I believe I have good language sense. I also pick up wordings and phrases pretty easily. The language makes sense to me. However, I am not well read or well studied.) 

Welp, @ ho-heystranger let me know if you’re happy with this. If not, feel free to follow up in the notes or something. oof. this got way longer than i anticipated!

[bangtan-insfired]

Whalien 52 | Taehyung (2)

genre: fluff & light angst

summary: Of all the fish in the sea, Taehyung was so glad you swam to him.

pairing:  mermaid!reader x Taehyung

A/N: i’m so sorry for it taking so long to update this. this part may be familiar (since I did delete it a couple weeks ago to edit.) I've added an extra scene so it’s not 100% the same as it was before.

read part one here

You returned to the rock the next day and the day after and the day after that…until it became a bad habit of yours. You couldn’t help yourself. You didn’t care how much you were risking every night as long as it filled that void in your heart, even if only for a short amount of time.

You were relieved, a smile spreading on your face as the human boy always returned to the rock, blessing your ears with his beautiful voice. Some nights, he’d change the song he’d sing. Some nights, he wouldn’t sing at all and stare at the sea instead, which made you wonder what it was that would make him so sad.

But tonight, he seemed different.

He stumbled over his own feet and almost fell into the rocky sea below him. A glass bottle was in his grasp and your nose scrunched as he reeked of whatever it was that glass bottle contained. It was a strong scent and anything but pleasant. You also noticed eyes were glossy and glazed over.

The smile left your face and you watched wide-eyed as something leaked out of his eyes. Is that…water? You thought. You’ve never seen such a thing. Was he okay? Was this his way of bleeding out? All that registered in your mind was that he is in some sort of pain.

“In the middle of this ocean, one lonely whale cries…”

Something was wrong. Something had always been wrong, you sensed. He was leaking out of his eyes and you wish there was something you could do to take his sorrow away. Were humans always this sad and lonely?

“An endless signal will reach someday…an endless signal…” The human boy trailed off, his voice wavering. He slapped his hand to his face, eyebrows knitting together. “Gah, what’s the next part? An endless signal will reach someday…”

“Everywhere, even to the other side of the Earth.”

You surprised yourself with your own voice. You hadn’t heard it in years as you communicated with your fellow sea creatures telepathically, leaving you with no reason to speak out loud.

The shock of hearing your own voice didn’t last long as the shock of revealing your presence to a human was stronger and much more severe. You were too blinded by trying to help the human boy to think rationally. Your hands flew to your mouth as if that would repair the damage you’ve just done. But it was already too late.

His mouth shut and head turned, searching for the voice he had heard.

You held your breath in fear that he could hear you. Holy carp…

He moved forward, crouching over the rock and you dipped your head lower as you saw him lean over. You didn’t dare to look up. You knew if you did, you worried he’d be able to spot you. Glancing down at your tail, you willed it to change to a darker color so that it blended with the dark waters around you and closed your eyes, praying to Poseidon he wouldn’t see you.

You remained that way for seconds but those seconds felt like an eternity to you as you waited…and waited…and waited.

A splash had all your senses on alert and your eyes snapped opened just in time to see the human boy falling into the water right in front of you. Judging by the awkward angle he fell in, he must’ve slipped, his body missing your own only by a few inches. A million thoughts cursed through your mind but among them, there was a prominent one: Did he know how to swim?

You waited a few seconds but when he had not come up, you wasted no more time in diving in straight after him. Him seeing you was now the least of your worries and him falling in was your fault. As you swam toward him, you saw that he was desperately trying to reach the surface.

You urged your tail to push you further as you approached him from behind. You hooked your arms under his shoulders and made sure your grip was stable before pulling him up to the surface along with you. His body relaxed in your arms and fear began to ensue. How long could humans endure under water?

You didn’t trust the human boy enough to place him onto the rock anymore so you dragged him all the way onto shore. His eyes were closed and you poked at his chest, wondering if he was alive for a second. Relief washed over you as you felt him twitch beneath you.

You didn’t know what came over you. It was instinct the way you pressed both hands against his chest and pushed until you finally got a better reaction from him. “Please, don’t be dead.” You whispered in a desperate manner. “Please, don’t be dead.”

With one more push, his eyes flew open and he sat up, leaning over to the side as he gasped for air, his drenched hair hiding you from his face. You lifted your hand to rest it on his shoulder but let it drop back to your side instead. Should I leave? You asked yourself and although the voice in the back of your head screamed “yes,” you found yourself rooted to your spot.

And before you knew it, the boy in front of you stopped wheezing and lifted his head, turning his gaze in your direction. He blinked...once...twice. He even shook his head, his brain denying what his eyes were seeing.

“Hello.” You greeted with a nervous smile, ignoring the warning bells ringing in your head. While there was no one to enforce it on you, you knew you were breaking the laws of merkind. You’ve been breaking them since you came across this human boy.

Hearing your voice, confirmed that you were real and not a figment of his imagination. His eyes widened by a fraction. “You have…you have a…tail?” He breathed in bewilderment.

“Yes.” You replied, looking down at your tail as well. It glimmered under the moonlight in hues of purple and blue. You waved it at the human boy in a playful manner. Maybe, this is okay, you thought. “It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”

“Somebody pinch me.”

You were confused by his strange request but did it anyway and you jumped startled by his immediate reaction and glare. “Ow!”

Your lips sunk down into a pout, shrinking under his cold gaze as he rubbed his sensitive arm. “But…but you said…”

The human boy’s eyes softened at the naive look on your face. He had indeed asked for it, therefore he couldn’t really blame you for it. Then, the reality of this situation finally sunk in…

You were a mermaid. A mermaid who saved him. A mermaid who saved him and is now staring at him with strange curiosity. This had to be some sort of hallucination, if not a dream.

“You’re a mermaid.”

“Yes.” You replied with a frown. Why is he looking at me like that? Your tail fell flat against the sand and out of his line of view.

The human boy ran his hand through his dripping hair. He kept his hand on his head, palm pressed against his forehead and fingers threaded in his hair as he looked away.  “How?”

“Well,” You began, your voice uncertain and body tensed up. “It’s not like I had a choice...I was born like this just as you were born as...you.”

“No,” the boy shook his head, his gaze landing back on you. “That’s not what I meant. It’s just….I thought you were a myth but clearly you’re not! You’re sitting right in front of me. A part of me still wants to believe I’m dreaming or hallucinating, even though you pinched me and that felt very real. I did drink tonight but I’ve drank much more before and--oh gosh, I’m rambling and you look very confused. I’m sorry.”

“You seem troubled.”

“Troubled?” The human boy slapped his hands to his face.  He sat up straight and brought his knees to his chest, fixing his gaze on the slight changing patterns of the tides. The water was cold as it met his shoes, easily seeping into them but he paid no mind to that. “I guess you can say that.”

“Hmm,” you hummed thoughtfully, allowing your body to relax and turning your head so you could admire the sea as well. The warning bells in your head faded out into a dull murmur and allowed for your curiosity to fully take over. “I thought all humans should be happy but you’re not.”

The corner of his lips tilted up into a half smile at your childlike innocence. “Humans can be sad, too.”

Not liking the silence that came after, the human boy decided to change the topic and extended his hand out to you. “I just realized I haven’t properly introduced myself.”

You stared at his hand, eyebrows knitting in confusion. What am I supposed to do with it? As if he read your mind, he edged his hand toward yours ever so slightly. He was careful to watch your reaction, not wanting to scare you away so he did it slowly until you felt his fingertips brush your hand. You lifted your gaze to meet his questioningly and when he gave you a slight nod, you unfurled your fingers and watched as his hand gently closed around your own. His hand was warm compared to your own and comforting.

“Humans like to shake hands when we meet each other while we say our names...so nice to meet you. My name is Taehyung.”

“My name is [Y/N.]” You replied, letting your hand fall back to your lap. I like the way humans greet each other, you thought, feeling your interest in humans grow more and more by the minute.

“What’s it like being human?”

Out of the blue, just like your question, the waves picked up and crashed furiously against the rocks, spraying both of you with sea mist before retreating back to the calm rhythm it had before. It appeared to you that the sea was not fond of your question and doubt began to settle in. What if I’m going too far?

Taehyung’s sigh pulled you out of your concern. “It’s complicated.”

He struggled for a moment, trying to figure out where and how to begin but once he did, there was no stopping him. He began with the basics of humanity, on how they all needed food and water to survive like other species but unlike most species who ate for survival, they also ate for fun. He called the latter a luxury for humans. He explained why humans couldn’t stay underwater for long yet some trained for it. Humans weren’t so different from you, you noticed. Besides, the whole living on land and having two legs, of course.

He briefly mentioned the many objects they use. You were familiar with some due to your exploring of shipwrecks but you were shocked to find out their actual names. Who would’ve thought that a piece of silver utensil was called a fork and not a dinglehopper? Not to mention the fact that they were used for eating rather than brushing your hair, as you had previously thought…

There was so much more to the human world than you thought and you didn’t hesitate to ask further questions, especially when he touched on the subject of his family and friends. The stories he’d tell you about his bonding experiences with his family made your heart yearn for a taste and the adventures with his friends both fascinated you and brought you to laughter. You found yourself craving for more.

It’d be nice to be human for a day or two--to be able to walk on two feet and see everything with my own eyes. You sighed with longing, raising your tail and lightly splashing it against the shallow waters the tides provided.

“It’s not as great as it seems.” You hadn’t realized you were thinking out loud and noting the slight downwards curve of your lips, Taehyung added: “But if you really want to experience it, I can show you around. The human world is too dangerous of a place to be on your own.”

This is crazy, Taehyung thought. Here he was, telling you, a mermaid, about the human world. His world. And now, he was offering to show you around. He didn’t know why he did it, why he made the offer. Maybe, it was the look in your eyes. They were so hopeful and innocent, enamored with the idea of being a part of the human world. It made him hesitant to tell you just how cruel humans can be. He knew the light in your eyes would dull at the prospect of the human world not being as you’re imagining it so he decided to protect you from it the best he could.

Or maybe it was the same reason why he didn’t run away at the sight of you. There was just something about your presence that was comforting to him and judging by the way you remained by his side, he liked to think you felt it,too.

“The ocean is a dangerous place, too.” You replied solemnly. “But at least you have others. Your family. Your friends. You’re not alone.”

“But I still feel lonely.” Taehyung confessed.

You tilted your head, eyebrows knitting together. “What do you mean?”

“Loneliness isn’t always about being physically alone. Sometimes, you see everyone around you laughing and being happy and even though you don’t feel the same way, you pretend to.For their sake. You’re too scared to reach out because you don’t want to burden them so then you’re left alone with your own thoughts and feelings…”

“Because even if I cry, no one would know.” You said softly. “I’m a whalien.”

There was a quiet pause...and then recognition flashed in Taehyung’s eyes as he remembered what had happened right before he ungraciously fell into the ocean. “How do you know that song?”

“You sing it almost every night.” You answered simply without thinking of the consequences. Taehyung turned his head to you and the blood rushed to your cheeks.

“Have you been stalking me?”

“I wouldn’t call it stalking!” You exclaimed in defense, startling him. “I just--it’s just that this huge storm came out of nowhere and I didn’t have time to seek shelter so I got carried away and now I don’t know where I am and the fish here are so mean and the sharks just keep to themselves so when I heard you singing one night, I thought you were a merman but turns out you’re a human, which should’ve been a signal to run away--”

“Wow,” Taehyung breathed, a bit overwhelmed with trying to keep up with your rambling and although every thing that came out of your mouth was shocking yet adorable in its own strange way, there was one that was more prominent than the others. “Is my singing that good?”

You nodded. “You do have a beautiful voice.”

“Never thought I’d live to see the day where a mermaid compliments my voice…,” Taehyung muttered. The crazed look in his eyes made your stomach feel uneasy and heart race. “Are you sure this is not a dream?”

You were always the trusting type but the fact that he had a habit of bringing up what you are…what if he wasn’t as different as you thought? The last time a friend of yours was too trusting of a human was the last time you ever saw her…

Negative thoughts and images of you dead on display to humans who poked and probed your body began to consume your mind. You didn’t want to end up like your old friend. All you knew of the human in front of you was how sweet he sounded when singing. That wasn’t enough to ease your worries. You had to fix this situation and you had to fix it fast.

“It will be. I’m sorry.” You spoke hurriedly, barely even giving him a chance to process your words as you violently crashed your lips to his.

Images of you and your tail flooded your mind and you soaked them all in, draining any and all memories of you from his mind. When you pulled away, you watched as his eyes closed and he fell back onto the sand.

“A mermaid’s kiss can make a man go amiss.” You sighed as you brushed his hair away from his face--the exact way you had been yearning to earlier.

**

“TAEHYUNG! KIM TAEHYUNG! YAH, I’VE BEEN WORRIED SICK!”

Taehyung slowly came to his senses as he felt a harsh slap to his cheek. The ground beneath him was soft and he felt the tides kiss his legs. With a groan, he pried his eyes open to confirm that he was on shore. An angry Soomi came into his line of vision and before he could even process it, another harsh slap came to his cheek.

“YAH!”

“Damn, that one hurt me, too.”

“Soomi, I think your oppa needs one more.”

In an instant, Taehyung sat himself up, his hands flying to his cheeks in a protective manner as he scowled at his little sister who was still set on glaring at him. He then turned his attention to the other two voices and confusion settled in as he recognized them. It was two of his close friends: Jimin and Jungkook. They both held flashlights in their hands and taking advantage of the situation, they pointed them directly at Taehyung.

“Gah!”

“Just how much have you had to drink tonight, hyung?” Jungkook asked as he took in his friend’s red eyes. He tried to act stern and mad because Taehyung had him worrying so much but now that he know he was okay, he was finding it hard not to laugh at Taehyung’s state. He’s so lucky we found him and not his mother, Jungkook thought.

Jimin, on the other hand, didn’t find the situation as amusing. Not when he caught a whiff of his friend. He sighed as he outstretched his hand toward him. Taehyung took it and stumbled over his own feet but Jimin was there to steady him.

“What did I say about getting wasted without me?”

“What are you two doing here?” Taehyung asked, ignoring the question asked. He didn’t find the need to answer it as him drinking by himself was an action that was too late to take back. Besides, the hour drive to the city where Jimin and Jungkook lived was always a hassle.

“They came because I called them.” Soomi answered. Her hands were at her hips and she looked pretty proud of herself.

Taehyung resisted the urge to groan. She resembled their mother so much and he knew, he was in for a scolding once he got home. If Jimin and Jungkook were called to go out and search for him, then that meant his parents were aware of his disappearance. Or else Soomi wouldn’t have been able to call them.

“We’re just glad you’re okay.” Jimin said, mouthing at Soomi to ‘tone it down.’

“I just texted your mom that we found you. We should head back.” Jungkook suggested. “It looks like the sun is about to rise.”

“Why do you even have my mom’s number?”

“I don’t even have her number.” Jimin grumbled under his breath with a pout.

“She must like me so much because she’s the one who gave me her number.”

“Jungkook-oppa, my mother is happily married! Don’t you dare!”

Jungkook and Jimin laughed as an annoyed Soomi stomped her way to the front of them with her arms crossed. Taehyung’s head was pounding and all this yelling from his little sister was only making it worse. He could only muster a small smile as he watched his two friends follow after her.

He couldn’t bring himself to move. Goosebumps were forming on his arms and the wind grew colder. Something in him was telling him to look back. So he did.

The sky was a beautiful arrangement of blues, oranges, and yellows as it slowly welcomed the rising sun. Waves crashed lightly against the surrounding rocks. If it wasn’t for his terrible hangover, he would’ve found the sight peaceful. He stayed there for a moment longer, his eyes searching for something he couldn’t quite put his finger on.

His head was pounding but something was telling Taehyung that it wasn’t all due to the alcohol he had consumed. Something was missing.

“Tae!” Jimin called out.

Taehyung snapped out of his trance. His head ached over the thoughts swimming in his mind. He felt as if a part of him was lost to the vast sea. But as he spared one last glance to the sea, he saw that everything was in its place.

Maybe, I’m just going crazy.

Despite his uneasiness, Taehyung didn’t return to that rock the next night or the night after that. Not even to feed his curiosity when certain dreams started plaguing his nights. They were often pitch black and he’d hear this female voice, singing the song he’d sing. Sometimes, he’d dream that he was back on shore and this shadow came over him. He knew it was someone but every time he was about to open his eyes in his dream, he woke up.

And the feeling that something was missing never went away.

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

Misc: My profile theme, music, and my identity (+ about 1000 other things..)

Definitely wouldn't be offended if this an easy skip for most. It is.. a hot mess, long and not particularly interesting. If you ain't supremely bored, you probably'd be better off not being curious on this one T^T

But hey I did enjoy writing it and I'm sure someday I at the very least will enjoy reading this so for me that's enuff boxes checked off to post 🤷‍♀️

This is another long post ngl. I've been on and off (mostly on 😭) writing since I woke up at like 11 am and its now 11pm. I wrote a few diff things so this one aint 12 full hours of writing or anything but I will admit it has been a long ass time on this one. Sorry in advance. i always seem to write a lot a lot when shit gets bumpy with R. Not even between us necessarily and the junk I be writing about don't be about her at all half the time I just be overexplaining and randomly going from topic wayyyyy worse than normal for some reason. I genuinely do not know why I'm like this bruh I used to write a little whiny vent note here and there pre R but now if i don't have one strict topic I'm talking/explaining I will write about any and everything that comes to mind as I'm going.

Oh god.. Me bringing this up reminds me of when she first said we had to talk less and I went nuts. That shit was so ghetto I deadass got fucked up on dxm so I'd stop freaking out over her dipping then DURINGGG the high I realized I was in love. I think after prolly.. 4ish hours of being like uh.. yeah there's no reason for me to be that damn tore up over us simply not talking as often... or her going through a breakup...... literally figured it out at the worst possibly time. THEN I was worried I just felt that way cause of the high so I just started writing everything out figuring like it'd wear off at some point when I was writing so I could see how I talked about it all throughout.

...which led me to write for damn near 24 hours straight....

I literally didn't sleep, eat, or do literally anything else for at least a good 16ish hours then took a small break cause I had to put away groceries and i got a single thing of pita bread, ate that shit plain, then got back to it. Lord looking back on that is so weird. I don't know what possessed me bruh I think I took another break around the 24 hour mark, either ate or sat there thinking for prolly.. an hour? 30 mins? Then did ANOTHER 12 hours of babbling. I had been using that notes app for literal years with no issue. But ofc.. all that time of writing straight had it crash on me a few times with one time wiping hourssss of writing. I wasn't saving all too often not thinking nothing of it but that shit crashed and I lost like 36k chars worth of junk and that changed ASAP. Plus.. I learned the shit had an 100k limit... so that was fun.

See? Overexplaining and RAMBLING. Deadass went from writing a quick head's up on the length of this post to talking about my weird ass drug induced love note shit. Why am i like this. ;-;

Anyway. Past this point is past me. Sorry for getting carried away in the warning

I wrote about this in a previous post but essentially, some random got the wrong idea and thought I was using Juice as my pfp as some sort of mockery? joke? i dunno

shits totally understandable and I'm sure anyone would figure out that ain't my intention after looking at my page for about .2 seconds. i mean.. if I were using him as the butt of some sort of joke you'd figure I'd mention it or something lol. Maybe that's only obvious to me though..

Anyway, I may change it to something new. I usually change my pfps for stuff fairly frequently if I'm on it a lot. When me and R were on the phone 24/7 I used to change my disc pfp at least 2-3 times within a 2 week period 😭

I dunno though I mean.. on one hand I don't really want this page to have all too many of my interests on it as for one I'm trying to stay at least semi anonymous but also I feel like it'd kinda be odd.. The Juice profile pic is one thing, as I listen to him all the damn time and I relate to a lot of his work. But I dunno.. wouldn't it be weird if I suddenly just changed my profile picture to a character that I like just cause they're cool? Wouldn't my page be more memorable if I have like. MY pfp MY username MY bio. Sorry it's hard to explain..

Like.. youtubers. They usually have a pfp and they keep it as that same one and people remember and recognize them off it. Or a few other types of influencers honestly. I feel like it's one thing when it's a personal acc where you really don't need people to recognize you off your pfp or user cause they'd just know you but my acc is kinda a grey area. I know damn well I ain't an influencer but I ain't exactly someone you'd just remember.

Maybe I'll compromise and only use Juice pictures.. I dunno

Speaking of Juice, I feel like now that I've been getting worse and worse his music became so much more relatable. I can't tell you how many times I've cried with my earbuds blaring 27 club. I wish I could share it all. I've never been a huge stickler for lyrics but growing up and going from understanding the story of a song to relating and living though the situations described has hit me so hard. I'm sure it ain't exactly a unique experience but still. It'd be cool to share my music and be able to talk about how I use each playlist and what it makes me think/feel

I would just link my spotify and keep it moving but ya know. More puzzle pieces of my identity

I think if I ever permanently kick the habit I might reveal myself but thats honestly a strooong maybe. I dunno like it aint so much of being ashamed/embarrassed of my addiction. Although, I won't exactly go around telling any and everyone I'm addicted to fucking otc allergy meds. i think R is the only one that knows specifically that I take dph. Everyone else I either never mention getting high or if I have I've only talked about weed highs. It just feels embarrassing given it's horrible hallucinatory effects on most people. While I don't get those, how th would they know that you know? 9 times out of 10 they're gonna google that shit, see mfs talking about having ghost conversations and the gosh dang hatman, then gon look at me crazy for continuing to take it over and over again. So yeah definitely a big factor, but I am honestly more worried about some concerned stranger finding my social media and telling my family/friends about this page or about my problem. That is my worst fear.

For one, this page is basically a diary. I go into specifics on shit that I would never tell anyone. Not that I'm particularly tooo ashamed of the shit I say about my personal life but

-A lot of it is not meant to be shit that just anyone knows. It's one thing when I'm just writing to the abyss/random strangers that wouldn't know who I'm talking about but if my family/friends were able to access this I'd have to be so much more guarded and careful about what I say on here cause they could more than likely guess or already know who I'm talking about

-Some of it is shit that I never want to discuss. I don't think I went too in detail on family dynamics but I don't even wanna bother opening that can of worms I'd rather pretend with everyone else that there is no issue and just do me once I leave

-Plus a lot of it is hypercritical shit I shouldn't even be thinking, let alone talking about. Just imagine finding out that one of your friends was out here telling everybody and they grandma that your boyfriend fucking sucks and you are clearly being blinded by their love for them? Or talking about how you know they won't last? Just like.. okay for one, even if they were right, you're not going to see it that way. You're gonna be questioning why they were doubting your relationship first and foremost but then I mean.. who wants to hear that? They're probably gonna tell you less about it and it'll strain yalls relationship, if not end it right then and there. Then by the time you can see it for what it is, it's 3 years later and it'd be awkward to become friends again

It does suck though. It would be real cool to make friends with someone cause of all my word vomit filled posts. I would love to show everyone all the shit I like to do in my freetime and beg everyone them cat/dog/literally pet pictures. Plus like, I dunno ever since R's been in my life I've learned to love any and all types of friendship

I used to be so offended when I'd have friendships that I only can get so close with. I'm so used to putting my all into all friendships and making sure to do whatever I can for them as long as it ain't hella inconvenient cause I always assumed that because I do, they'd do the same. But after seeing friendship after friendship fading as soon as I wasn't doing all that I used to be so mad. I felt like an outcast. But I think going through that time where my bsf and I were constantly texting or otp it made me a lot less available as far as doing all that extra to maintain friendships. I would be so focused on her I would damn near forget about talking with anyone. But even once we had to distance from each other some, I was still used to how I treated my other friends

I tried to cling to my less close friends trying to create that 100% on both sides thing but it kinda got.. hard. Ofc, the inevitable mental comparisons were nonstop. Literally couldn't breathe without thinking oh but if me and R were doing this I'd be comfy doing this or oh my god this game is borin if R were here we would prolly be doing our own thing by now and just talk instead or bruh I am literally on hour 459 of bubbly me if R was here I could probably get away with listening to whatever was going on in the background that day 💀💀💀

After I started doing that and started understanding my feelings, I kinda saw that I didn't even really want that sort of comfort with anyone else cause I didn't want them to expect all that and put me in a position where if me and my bsf started to talk more I'd be putting them on the backburner out of nowhere. I didn't think it would be fair of me you know? i don't want them to feel abandoned and unless Im in a place where I feel comfortable to not have to be one specific way with you I would prefer being alone anyway.

But feeling that way now made me see that it didn't really have to be one or the other. I've seen that no one really minded when I responded a bit late cause I was busy with R. And I would run to her with all my emotion stuff so I wasn't all too bothered if they never inquired about mine. And thennnnn I randomly got this dm from this girl I talked to when I was still at my dorm and that's when I really learned the joy of that shit

Hm ig you wouldn't really need to know specifics on that for the point I was tryna make. Maybe I'll talk about her someday. But yeah it was just so nice like. Hey I don't need you to be savior mode, human notepad mode, or hehe haha everything funny mode 24/7. We aren't close and you and I both know that. We can just have our fun when we happen to remember each other's existence and come back 8 mo later like nothing ever happened

Don't get me wrong, I love R so much and I love that we go out the way to talk to each other every day no matter what. It makes me feel really good to know that even with us not being able to be as close with each other now she still makes sure we don't lose contact with each other. Things are really different now and ofc I still miss how it was before but knowing that we can both acknowledge that our friendship had to change but still caring enough for each other to put in the effort to evolve into something else rather than letting it all go because it aint the same is something that is so precious. I wouldn't trade that for the world. But at the same point I've grown to love casual friends sm.

It's nice to not always worry about how they're gonna think if i do xyz or I don't reach out every so and so many days. I don't always need to hide or do the absolute most to maintain the friendship we can just enjoy each others company for a bit then go back on our separate ways til we reach out again. No hard feelings if we ignore a text or answer late cause we genuinely have no idea what we do on the day to day. And the pressure of only being one specific way with them gets lesser and lesser the longer yall stay apart inbetween. I think the biiggest example of that is this one long term but shallow friendship with this one girl I met in 9th grade that one year I lived in arizona.

I used hate that since I just got there she had all these older friends that she would talk diff to and generally be more close with. I thought once I moved back to Michigan we'd stop talking after a year or two and we weren't all tooo close so I didn't think nothing of it. But then I think like.. prolly 8ish months after that we started talking talking then we stopped. Then prolly another 6 mo later we did it again. And we just kept on doing that again and again and again. It used annoy me cause it felt like she only would remember my existence to tell me about her breaking up with one dude and getting with another or house drama or all that junk. It didn't help that she joked about my life being dry allllll the damn time too so I felt like she only talked to me to judge me and tell me all this shit as if I was supposed to gawk at all of it cause I didn't do anything intresting in her opinion. It didn't help that I never really felt comfortable telling her about any fr fr struggles i was having cause of how I thought she perceived me

It all came to a head when she got mad at me for pointing out that cycle one of these days. I think she texted me soon soon after all that shit with R was going down so I was salty already offrip. She usually starts texting first talking about some bruhhh YOU NEVER TEXT MEEE which this time was a lie. When we got back cool cool a few months back we started to taper off again. This time tho I made sure to text more often during that thinking things would ramp back up if I put more effort into showing I didn't forget her. It didnt really help as she was being dry 95% of the time so I stopped after like a month. I said that and kinda passive aggressively said that we do this all the time lets just get to the catching up part. Which was true but at the same point, so rude. I was still under that impression that she was gonna judge me and I felt like I had so much to look down on so I just was overly defensive and hostile for no damn reason

We skipped talking that time around which was honestly fair. I thought we'd never talk again after that and I forgot it even happened ngl. But then like 2 mo later she reached out again and with my new perspective on friendships I really saw it for what it was. I mean sure, she can be kind of a dick sometimes and she is kinda a magnet for drama at times cause she is pretty impulsive at times which leads her to speak before she thinks on shit but like.. she never means any harm you know? And plus, she is so caring bruh. Literally would do whatever she needs to for her friends. I genuinely forgot this happened but when my old job fired me for not attending this mandatory meeting on my day off (a blessing in disguise tbh I was thinking about quitting anyway) she was SWIFTTT to do a fake review on they shit. I'm sitting there like bruh chill it aint even that deep and by the time I got that out she already wrote a damn review saying they had shitty customer service (which was actually true lmao), racist ass manager (lowkey true as well 💀💀💀) and they ice cream be tasting like CARBOARD (now that I couldn't even support they shit be good good T^T)

Getting close with R and slowing down to where we are now showed me there's alot more to friendship's than opening up about each and every secret you've ever had you know? I still consider R my best friend, even with us not talking as much, both us not being as open, or us not hanging out as much. That all sounds like we don't even like each other more damn wth. LOOKKKK. Sure, there are times where I'm jealous and salty about how things are. And ofc I'm still mad that I KNOW she will get butthurt if I watch aggretsuko with someone else even though I have literally been pestering her about that shit for HALF THE DAMN YEAR. And at times she's overly territorial over me and I be sliiightly tempted to do shit just to watch her show out and other times she'll say the dumbest shit about herself that makes me wish I could teleport to her with a rolled up newspaper in tow.. But like, at the end of the day she knows me better than anyone ever has and I know her in a lot of ways that people don't understand. We're super similar and relieving to know that you know? At the end of the day I know that no matter what she'll be there for me and she trusts me to do the same for her which hasn't changed, even with how shit is now, her effort trumps everything.

Which is something I've grown to appreciate a lot more in general. Ofc including on and off friends like the girl from AZ. It grew to make a lot of the small annoying habits of hers feel a lot diff. I noticed how we really never had an awkward easing back in stage.

Every time, without fail we start with

damn you DONT TEXT MEEE!! DO YOU NOT LIKE ME ???

>:U

*insert defense junk*

yeah yeah I dont wanna HEAR IT 🙄

Then boom we get to catching up. Plus 99% of the time she got a game she wanna play. We usually just go to that then continue on talking and junk for a few days. At max a week and a half. I'll send a message here and there and she be DRY so I stop and then we dip for another few months.

It's so weird to think about honestly. We've been friends for 5ish years now. I only have one other long term friend as my years of moving back and forth led most to forget I existed and I met him in 7th. I dunno to me her and him were completely different in my mind cause of the frequency and nature of our convos. But it's just like.. nowadays I tear up thinking about them sometimes. Sure they got they own pros and cons but at the end of the day, they're consistent. We've all changed a lot throughout the years and I know they've met soooo many people that'll probably not die off the face of the earth every two seconds and I'm sure they both have friends they're a lot closer with but they still bothered to keep in touch even when it woulda been hella easy to just move on

Bruh thinking about it now got me tearing up (...as you can see I've been drinking water today 🙃) They may not be the first people I think to go to when shit gets rough but they've made it clear that they care about me for more than what I can do for them and that is mooooore than enough for me. I hope I keep them around forever. I try to be a lot better on checking in on em nowadays. I'm not amazing with that shit still and I still'll go weeks without speaking but uh. We getting there T^T

Though AZ girl is the reason I say bruh so much.. I hate her for that TO THIS DAY. she used to say breh and bruh after every sentence and it would make the shit she be saying 20000x funnier. I tried to steal it for jokes too but then it just start slipping out and now I prolly say it more than she ever did ANDD she don't even say it like that no more 😭

...

I went on so hard of a tangent I literally forgot what I brought this shit up for.. I had to go back up and reread it's been like 6 hours since I said that junk 💀💀💀

SEE like talking with me is fun on one hand cause as long as we aint sitting there making small talk we gon go through about 70 billion topics within 5 mins but then on the other if you had something to say about a topic we already went past??

gl.

T_T

All that was all to say that I've grown to really appreciate distant but consistent friendship. To me, it at times shows a lot more care and appreciation than having someone listen to you rant about xyz. Cause I mean, it's kinda easy to not be a dick and listen but it takes effort to keep coming back no matter what we talked about.

Damn do you think I should give the girl from AZ a name?

Nah I kinda like that long ass name for her lmao

But look at her. I barely spoke to her for months and I basically swatted her away when she was just tryna catch up and look at us. Well. We in an off period rn..

OO actually she said she loved me the last time we were on the phone and I said it back thinking that she possibly was talking to someone else but just incase you know. BUT SHE GOT SO HAPPY BRUH OMGG

Shit was so sweet. I would say it more often if it didn't wear off the novelty so quick

But yeah like look at that. I've barely told her about any of my struggles and 5 years later we're still just as close. I can't even count how many people I've heard detailed and long rants from that just dipped from my life once they were doing better off and by the time they got back in that mindset they've already either forgot about me or think it'd be too awkward to get back in touch. Not to say it's easy to talk about that stuff, cause it aint. But venting to a complete random is not exactly risky either. I feel like it honestly has lost it's effect on me nowadays. I would rather have 400 distant and shallow friendships that last for years and years and years than the 400 deep and super relatable friends that just disappear once they find greener pastures.

I hope that someday I'll feel comfortable revealing my identity on here. I didn't mean to imply that any possible friendships from this are gonna be shallow by default ofc. More so was saying I'm a lot more open minded about a lot of different sorts of relationships you know? I wanna explore more types like.. as soon as humanly possible atp T-T

Anywho uh. I think that's enough vaguely pointed rambling for one post. Very sorry to future me reading this. I know you prolly gon wanna stomp me out for always leaving you so damn much to read..

me is withdrawing atp soooo I'm either gon try and sleep the shit off or get to solving that 💀

gn/gm depending on when youre reading this. I hope youre doing okay

[ofichinose]

five times kissed [I've been dying lately]

meme. || no longer accepting.

@snipec

I’m learning quickly, that I should probably stick to musing Guren and Guren alone D;

I haven’t proofread it yet either, so forgive the inevitable spelling and typo errors. I’ll get to that asap.

Word Count: 4700+

1) The First Kiss

    They’re sixteen, young, and reckless. It’s no surprise when they grow tired of the video games. It’s a wonder they haven’t resorted to truth and dare before tonight. Guren’s apartment is almost to capacity with his guests. Each of them are lined in their typical seats around the room, making for a group circle. Almost each individual has already answered at least one turn.

     So far has been relatively tame. Sayuri has dared Guren to eat something other than curry. Guren asked Goshi what the worst illusion spell he ever cast was. Goshi dared Mito to try on a bathing suit. She refused, turning bright red in the process. Instead, he asked if it was true that she’s had her first kiss. Her eyes flicked to Guren before she stuttered out a reluctant yes. Immediately after answering, her attention turned to Shigure. Mito asked if Guren had always been a good master. Shigure responded with, “There is no better master than Guren-sama.” Shigure’s eyes slid to Goshi, and she proceeded to ask him if he had any shame. That’s where things look quite a turn —

    ❛ You’re right, Shigure. Lord Shinya, you haven’t had a turn yet. ❜ Goshi turned in his seat to look at Shinya across the room. Now is as good a time as any to show just how shameless some of his tendencies are. Shinya, with his arms crossed behind his head, peered up to his friend. ❛ I dare you to kiss Guren. ❜ Goshi declared before Shinya could get a word out. At that, Guren’s eyes grew wide with utter confusion. Shinya catches a glimpse of Guren’s fear before directing his attention back to his darer. ❛ Hahaha~ But I haven’t even picked dare yet! ❜ Shinya responds, straightening his posture. ❛ Are you chickening out? ❜ Goshi asked, crossing his arms with a smile along his expression. ❛ Well in that case — Guren~? Would you do me the honors? ❜ Guren, along with all the girls in the room, is entirely baffled. ❛ Eh? …You’re not serious. ❜ The Ichinose replies, rubbing the nape of his neck with a hint of plea behind his eyes. ❛ I’m serious about not giving Goshi an excuse to call me a coward at truth or dare. ❜ Shinya replies, a rather amused smile on his face. ❛ You’re not nervous, are you? ❜ The sniper adds with a lilt to his tone.

    It’s then when Shinya pushes himself up from his chair and begins to walk over to his friend. Meanwhile, Guren’s teeth are gritting against each other. The first issue is that they’re in front of everyone, and the second issue is Mahiru. However, it isn’t like him to back down from a challenge, and this is a very CLEAR challenge. Reluctantly, he scoots forward in his chair. The sooner they move on from the topic, the better. That means, Guren must comply with the dare. It’s a kiss for a game, and everyone knows that. Surely, no one will think much of it. Pushing himself up, Guren meets Shinya behind the sofa and between the kitchen counter of his apartment.

    Under his breath, Guren curses to himself. ❛ Oi, Shinya. Why’d you have to accept this stupid dare. ❜ With Shinya so close, it’s no surprise that he hears the words from Guren’s lips. ❛ What are you so worried about? Everyone knows you love my fiance. ❜ At that, Guren merely scowls. They’re only about a meter apart, and the distance closes with each passing second. After a few steps, they stand with their faces close. It isn’t longer before they each become aware of the warmth between them as they draw closer. It’s not the first time they’ve been so intimately close, but they’ve never had the pressure of kissing placed upon them until now. Guren can feel himself tense with anticipation, but Shinya only grows more amused as he sees Guren’s reaction. The silvery-haired teen is slow to inch forward, trying to milk Guren’s uneasy attitude for as long as he can. But his amusement only last for a moment before their lips press together, and their breaths exchange against one another’s skin. Their eyes shut, the kiss is over after a brief moment. With a swift turn, Guren breaks off the kiss. However, Shinya lingers for a short moment before his eyes snap to his best friend. A subtle bit of heat rushes to his face before he quickly shuts it off. ❛ Well that was better than I had expected. ❜ Shinya declares, coolly. After all, this is the first kiss he’s ever had the pleasure of experiencing. Violet eyes sharpen as Guren takes a step back and looks to Shinya. ❛ … ❜ He has no response other than lifting his sleeve to his face and wiping his mouth. ❛ Hahaha, oh come on. It couldn’t have been that bad. ❜ Shinya responds, returning to his chair. All Guren offers is a shake of his head and audible, ❛ So noisy. ❜

2) A Kiss Goodbye [blood tw, death tw]

    ❛ Shinya! ❜ There’s no answer. ❛ Shinya! ❜ His friend is silent in his arms. ❛ Shinya! ❜ Making his voice louder will solve nothing. ❛ Shinya! ❜ No amount of screaming a name will bring life back to the body in his arms. ❛ SHINYA! ❜ That’s when the tears begin to stream down his cheeks. His friend is dead, and he could not save him. That is the cost of weakness. Guren Ichinose has chosen the path of the weak — to love his friends and call them FAMILY. There is no saving Shinya. The curse will not bring his best friend back. The promise they have made is broken, as broken as Guren’s heart when he looks at the other’s still chest. He’s not breathing. Where lungs should lift with life is a hole. An empty hole from the stab wound.

    Guren’s grip against Shinya’s hair grows tighter, and the tears won’t cease. If his heart had been made of glass, he would have heard it shattering. Violet eyes filled with a mixture of sorrow and pain. ❛ What about our promise? We were supposed to live and win together. Then why am I alive? ❜ Alive and alone. The words are bitter as they breathe from his chest. To bring Shinya back means to commit the worst sin of all. To bring his family back, Guren must sacrifice the world. ❛ I could not save you. ❜

    It’s then when he turns to Mahiru. He cannot save her, and she tells him that. Her words are poisonous as she explains his choice. There are seven coffins and two choices. He may choose to abandon his weakness, or he shall commit the greatest of sins that deserve’s god’s punishment. The goddess’ hand wraps around the hilt of Noya, and she launches the katana into her chest. Knees buckling, the princess falls to the ground. However, her faithful prince is there to catch her and hold her during those final moments. Before long, she vanishes into the weapon… leaving Guren completely and utterly alone and broken. The choice is an obvious one, as much as it pains him to make. The cost is so great, but he will die if he does not comply. Guren is not able to abandon his weakness and give up the ones he loves.

    One by one, he places their bodies in their coffins. The final body he holds is his best friend’s — Shinya’s. Guren’s eyes are filled with plea. ❛ Please forgive me for breaking our promise. ❜ He’s supposed to die with them. To die together is a win in Shinya’s eyes as well, but Guren has made his choice. He will bear the greatest sin of all to bring his friends back for another measly ten years of seeing them smile.

    Arms wrapped around Shinya’s body, Guren carries him to the final coffin. The tears begin to stir at the base of his eyes, knowing that he will never be forgiven for his choice. ❛ I know you would not be this weak and make this choice. You’re not a fool. ❜ Again, Guren speaks with no response. Corpse’s have no voice. The voice he once complained of is the thing he misses most in the world at this moment. To have that voice back is all that matters.

      Beside the coffin, Guren’s hands begin to tremor. Setting Shinya in the coffin, the raven’s knees buckle and fall to the ground. Looking to his silent friend, he has no more words. There is nothing else he can say, other than hope that he will be forgiven someday. Although, something tells him that he will never see that day. Forcing the thoughts to the back of his mind, Guren’s focus presses to his friend. The hand around Shinya’s torso reaches for the silver bangs against Shinya’s forehead, and Guren moves them out of the way. Bending forward, Guren’s lips press to the spot his thumb has just brushed against. Such a gesture is the only way he can convey his hope for the future — the hope for them to be reunited once again.

      There, Guren sits alone and waiting for the resurrection and destruction to being. And that’s when the voice of a man, no… a strange vampire dances against his ears.

3) Kiss of Life [drowning tw]

      They haven’t been to a pool like this since last summer. A year has already passed. That is one fewer year that he has with his friends before they vanish into dust. The thought terrifies him whenever he wakes up. His dreams don’t make it any easier with Mahiru taunting him all hours of the night. You won’t be able to protect them, like the time you couldn’t protect me~ Do you remember, Guren? He remembers so clearly that it pains him in his stomach and leaves a sting in his heart. Most days, Guren’s able to push her aside and move past those fears. However, the ideas linger in his mind as if they’re a dark storm.

     Some days, he wakes up with his hand extended toward her. Those moments are rather horrifying to him. To lose his humanity means losing his friends and losing sight of his mission. Those are things are the precious reason for which Guren lives, and he can never lose them. That’s what makes days like this summer day so important. The group must strengthen their bonds and close their hearts off from the temptation of demons. It’s training more or less. At least, that’s what Goshi calls his excuse to see the girls in swim suits. To Mito, times like this are FUN. As Shinya calls it, it’s youth~. For Guren, it’s a reminder of why he lives. These are the people who give him strength, and they’re the ones for whom he spends his days fighting. Not to mention that a day spent swimming is its own refreshing reward. This opportunity is an actual reward for restoring the power in Shibuya, Guren and his squad have been awarded access to one of the last hidden gems of this devastated world.

     Staring out at the vibrant blue, Guren recalls the last they visited the pool as a group. A time before the Catastrophe — a time before his great SIN. He misses those days, when their time was spent care-free. Now, each second is a payment; every second is the price of his family's’ lives. ♫ Tick tock ♪, Guren. There’s her voice again, playing in his mind as a soft whisper. The tone’s always so soft, but God does he HATE it.

     Suddenly, his thoughts are interrupted with an intense blur of water. ❛ You shouldn’t stand still, Guren. A still target is easy prey for a sniper. ❜ It’s Shinya at the edge of the pool in front of Guren standing over the ledge. Off to the side, Goshi stands laughing with the girls. Making a face, Guren’s eyes glaze over. He’s not amused. ❛ Quit splashing me. ❜ Shinya simply flicks another scoop of water at him. ❛ Haha. At this rate, you won’t have a dry towel when you get out. ❜ Shinya is very amused.

     ❛ Haaaaa… ❜ The Ichinose boy sighs, shaking his head as he removes the towel from his neck. Placing it with the others, Guren finally slides his way into the pool to join his friends. Almost immediately, both Goshi and Shinya charge him with their hands spouting water. Mito simply lectures them all from afar, while Sayuri and Shigure accompany her. Before long, Goshi suggests that the six of them play a round of chicken, but his suggestion is vetoed rather hastily. As the group starts to squabble, Guren makes his way over to the ledge to take a break from the noise and look at the sky.

     It’s unfortunate that their days can’t all be days like this one. This is a REWARD for the efforts, but it’s his fault that the world no longer allows time for fun. Now, his time is preoccupied with the Seraph of the End. Mahiru’s obsession with power has become his own. He needs the power to save everyone. ‘You’re not having fun with the rest of them, Guren.’ There it is again — the angelic whisper of his demon’s voice. ❛ Shut up, Mahiru. ❜ At that moment, the world begins to fade. Walls of white surround him as they have before with Noya. These are the walls of his heart, and there she is. Unchained, his demon calls to him.

      ❛ Hey, Gu-chan! Do you think we shou— ❜ Shinya calls, looking for his friend in the distance. ❛ Guren! ❜ In Guren’s place is a sinking figure that the water distorts at the surface. Sayuri’s the first to scream at the sight before the group wades through the water to reach him. The body of the sleeping Ichinose slips into the deeper end of the pool. Shinya takes the lead of the group before diving deeper into the water. Arms paddling his way, the teen reaches a hand to pull his friend toward him. Wrapping Guren’s arm around his neck, they surface together. Gasping for air, Shinya looks to his best friend who has yet to open his eyes or move his lungs.

     With a splash of water, Shinya brings Guren to the edge of the pools and rests his limp body on the hard surface. Pushing himself out of the water, controlled panic starts to set in as Shinya bites his lip. Sitting down beside Guren, he observes his breathing. He’s perfectly still. The others make their way out of the pool, following Shinya’s lead. Panic-stricken, everyone hovers over Shinya. There’s only one thing to do, and he starts with compressions.

     Head tilt. Chin lift. Nose pinched. Lips pressed. Breathe, dammit!

     Pulling away slightly, Shinya looks to the other’s lungs. For a brief moment, he holds his own breath as a rock forms in his stomach. ❛ Koff. Koff. Haaaa — ❜ Water exits his lungs. Guren’s eyes widen, as Shinya blocks the sun from his eyes. His next few breaths are coarse sounding, but he’s alive. ❛ Shinya? ❜ Guren inquires, brows furrowing toward the other who hovers over him. At the sound of Guren’s words, the rest of the Squad cheers with relief. Shinya sighs, bowing his head. Rolling over to lay beside Guren, a rather playful smile slips along his lips. ❛ So nice of you to join us, Guren. I didn’t realize I was the prince who has to save you from eternal slumber. ❜ At that, Guren punches him lightly in the arm. ❛ Now that’s no way to  treat your rescuer, Sleeping Beauty~ ❜

4) Valentine’s Kiss

     Shoving his hands through his hair, Guren sighs tiredly. It’s been a hectic week, and the paperwork on his desk seems to be growing more than shrinking. So much for his plans for the holiday. It’s tradition that he, Sayuri, and Shigure spend Valentine’s Day as friends together. It makes for a wonderful bonding activity, when they picnic together or play games. However, that’s far from possible at this point.Sitting back at his desk, violet eyes look at the stack before him as he sighs inn defeat.

     Suddenly, a knock at the door interrupts the serenity of his office. Great, now he’s never going to get anything finished.Eyes flicking up from his desk, the Lieutenant Colonel looks to the door and calls.❛ What do you want? ❜ Guren groans, all amusement drained from his voice. The door creaked open, and a very familiar cheeky smile appeared to make a visit to his friend. Closing the door behind him, Shinya made his way over to Guren’s desk. Almost elegantly, he pushed himself up and turned the desk into his throne.

     Dark brows forming a line, the Ichinose scowled. ❛ I have important papers there. ❜ Shinya ignores him. Blue eyes glanced around the room, looking at the different decorations that he so often found interesting. ❛ Hmmm, Guren. Is that a new book? I don’t remember seeing something on your table over there. ❜

Pressing his fingers to his brow, Guren asks again.❛ Yes. Now what do you want? ❜

❛ Did you get anything for Valentine’s Day? ❜ Shinya asks, a rather amused smile along his lips.

❛ No. ❜

❛ It’s not like the girls to forget. ❜

❛ I haven’t seen them. I’ve been busy. ❜ Guren gestures to his paperwork.

     ❛ Hmmm~ Well I am seeing you now. Where’s my~ gift? ❜ Shinya asks, his voice quite playful. Directing his attention to Guren, the sniper sticks his hand out with his palm wide open.

     ❛ Oi, Shinya… I didn’t get you anything this year. I forgot to get anyone gifts. ❜ It’s the truth, as he’s been so buried in work that it’s almost consumed his soul — among other things. Unfortunately, Valentine’s Day has been the last thing on his mind.

     In response, Shinya sighs dramatically as if he’s lost a bet. But that vibrant smile is still bright along his lips. ❛ I guess that means you’ll have to make it up to me. ❜ Quirking a brow, Guren expresses his confusion. ❛ Eh? ❜ Scooting off the desk, Shinya slides his way around its sides to stand beside Guren.

     ❛ Oh nothing. I figured something like this would happen, so I already know how you can make it up to me. ❜ Shinya declares, bending down beside his friend. Tapping his finger under Guren’s chin, Shinya tilts his friend’s eyes to look at him. The smile along his lips is quite pleased. Guren’s eyes are wide, but he knows. He’s more surprised that he hasn’t caught the suggestion sooner.

       Shinya’s finger pressed to Guren’s chin leads Guren toward the him. Shinya’s lips connect to Guren’s for the first time under good circumstances. Both sets of eyes fall shut as the world dies down temporarily. After eight years together, it’s surprising to the both of them. For a long moment, they’re together without the weight of the world pressed upon their shoulders. Guren’s shoulders even begin to relax. Despite himself, Shinya takes note and starts to chuckle in response. ❛ Hm. Hm. ❜ He mumbles against Guren’s lips before pulling himself away, while Guren’s lips linger for a very brief second before he snaps to attention. ❛ Ha ha ha. My my, Guren. I didn’t think this would be a gift I gave to you. ❜ Shinya teases, dropping his hand back to his side.

     Violet eyes sharpening, annoyance contorts Guren’s face. ❛ Quit laughing. It wasn’t all that great anyway. Was this your goal the whole time? ❜ His voice is rather defensive. ❛ Maybe. I didn’t think you’d go through with it though. ❜ Shinya answers, straightening his posture and shifting his way toward the door. ❛ But you don’t have to worry about it. I don’t kiss and tell. ❜ The words dripping from his lips, Shinya winks at Guren and walks out the door.

5) New Year’s Kiss [death mention tw]

     Humanity has been resurrected. The world has been SAVED. This is a time for celebration, but things between Guren and his squad have been awkward to say the least. It’s been nine painfully long years, and the truth has finally come out. Humanity died to save them. Guren chose them over the rest of the world, which is a selfish choice. It’s a secret he’s been carrying for nine years, and it’s been drowning him in guilt. All of his choices have been for them, or so they’ve been intended to save them. Now they’re here as full bodies, but uncovering the truth has been an adjustment. No more lies after eight years of them…

     Everyone was unsure of how to feel at first, but it’s been over a week since the confession. Sayuri and Shigure were the first to forgive Guren, as they appreciate that he has gone to such great lengths to protect them. It wasn’t easy for Mito, but she came around to the idea. Goshi has had mixed feelings, but doesn’t hold it against Guren. Of the group, Shinya has been the most distant about the ordeal. The constant lying, valuing their lives over the good of the world, selling one’s soul to a demon… Is he truly worth it all? Certainly, Guren’s foolish to go to such lengths for friends who weren’t strong enough to live. Guren’s broken their promise, and Shinya’s had no idea all this time. It’s taken him time to process all of it.

     The group gathers together to look at the fireworks on television, now that power has been restored. They’re all in Guren’s old apartment, where it all began. Vampires are still a plague throughout the world, but now humans have the advantage — numbers. All should be exciting, but there’s tension in the atmosphere of the room. Eyes dart from person to person, but little is said. They haven’t been a group like this since before the ceremony for the resurrection. IT’s Goshi who breaks the silence. ❛ Sayuri, can I finally see you in a swim suit this year? ❜ He asks, wiggling a brow her way. Her face turns bright red before she furiously shakes her head as declination. ❛ Not unless Guren-sama commands such an action… ❜ Her voice grows smaller as she looks to Guren. Shigure simply shakes her head at the ordeal. Mito is quick to jump at Goshi for his perversions once again, and she raises an annoyed red brow his way. Before the situation escalates and drags him into it, Guren steps away from the group.

     Standing some distance away from the others squabbling in front of his television, Guren takes some time to look outside his old window. It’s impossible to distinguish the stars with the new light pollution, but that’s not such a bad thing. The world around him is alive; he’s no longer the soul survivor. Hopefully, the fireworks will be visible from here. Losing himself in thought, he searches for something. Although, there are no answers beyond the four walls of the apartment. Someone who’s spent eight years looking to reverse the clock now wants it to fast-forward, so things can go back to normal — whatever normal may be. It’s not so simple, and time acts as the tool that will heal the new wounds. So for now, he must deal with it. A subtle sigh breathes from his lips as he catches a glimpse off the glass’s reflection of his friends behind him bickering with one another. Then he sees Shinya approaching him, blocking his view of the others.

     ❛ Shouldn’t you be counting down the clock with them? ❜ Guren asks, his eyes still glued to where the stars should be. Shinya replies, searching the sky for anything that might be interesting. ❛ I thought we were all supposed to be counting down together. What are you looking at? ❜ To Shinya’s disappoint, there’s nothing but a bleak black distance. ❛ There aren’t any fireworks yet, and wouldn’t a good host be offering us all cokes right now~? ❜ Shinya adds with a very coy tone. ❛ You shouldn’t leave your guests empty-handed, Guren. ❜ At that, Guren sighs and turns to him. It’s been over a week since they have looked each other in the eyes and talked. If he’s entirely honest, there’s been a void in his heart where his friends belong. A void that he loathes. It’s almost as though part of him is missing; the better parts of him for that matter. His goal to protect them remains, but it’s bizarre to feel the weight of their lives no longer shoving his shoulders down.

     ❛ They look like they already have their hands full. ❜ Guren retorts, his shoulder gesturing to the group behind them. Everyone’s eyes are stuck on the screen, and excitement beams from them. This is the first year the world will be free. ❛ I wasn’t sure how to feel at first. ❜ Shinya declares, ignoring the others for a moment. His lips are even for once, and cerulean eyes steady. ❛ You sacrificed the rest of the world for us. I don’t know if Mahiru’s right that we’re weak for dying or that you’re weak for trying to save us. I broke my promise to you, since I didn’t live and win. But I don’t think it matters. ❜ A shrug pulls at his shoulders, and his expression makes no note of it. These are all pointless questions now. As the words speak from Shinya’s lips, Guren’s eyes waver. For years, this has been an internal struggle that plagues him. Nothing can ease the guilt of his choices. As always, Shinya catches the distress behind his best friend’s eyes. ❛ We’re all here now. I’m not turning into dust. ❜ Gesturing wide with his arms, Shinya continues. ❛ And you saved all of humanity. It’s all over now. ❜ Moving his hands over to Guren’s face, he uses both index fingers to press against Guren’s cheeks and force him to smile. ❛ What matters to me is that you told the truth. Besides, I’m sure everyone’s already forgiven you. ❜

     Quickly, Guren swats his hands away. But that doesn’t hide the subtle hint of tears the gleam along the edges of his eyes. It all feels too good to be true. ❛ Oi, Shinya. That’s not how you make someone smile. ❜ He protests, doing his best to express his irritation. The act is of no use, given how easy it is for Shinya to read the pages of his eyes. ❛ Don’t look so sad. I’m only telling you the truth, but there’s still something you haven’t told me yet~. ❜ Shinya pauses, dropping his hands to his sides. ❛ Wen were you going to tell us that you love us? ❜ Guren’s expression falls flat at the thought. Where the hell does love come into this? ❛ What makes you think I’m supposed to confess? ❜ Guren inquires, his face wrinkling with surprise. Stepping over to Guren’s ear, Shinya can’t help but toy with him. ❛ No one sacrifices the world for people they don’t love, Gu-chan~. ❜ Those are true words, and Guren knows it painfully well. Shoving his fingers through his hair, violet eyes peer over to the others who have started counting down the last few seconds of the year.❛ Quit talking already. ❜ Guren complains, turning his attention back to the sniper.

      Taking a step forward, his eyes set to Shinya. Cupping the back of Shinya’s neck, Guren leans in toward the sniper as subtly as possible. As soon as the count of ONE calls, he presses his lips against his long-term partner for a kiss. Their lips pressed together, they both ease into the moment. For once, things feel right. It’s a brief moment, but it’s a moment they’ve both waited for longer than either knew. The first crack of fireworks sounds in the distance and lights the window. Even the men with their eyes closed can catch the vibrant light from outside. Simultaneously, they pull away. Immediately, Guren grows stiff and turns to watch the display from the window. Rubbing the back of his neck, Shinya can’t help but tense up as well. ❛ Hahaha~ Happy New Year to you too, Guren. ❜