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strawbrygashez · 2 years

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Vampire Postal 1 Dude x Postal 3 Dude

Starting to get spoiled

Yep! We r about to get Twilight up in here 🧛‍♀️ uhh tw for blood, needles, cutting ppl open (not descriptive) !!! 😧 this is a bit more uhh sensual than I usually write but nothing super super crazy happens! Ask me to tag anything else

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A postal dude of all people should be used to changes in their life, almost everyday a new situation would present itself to Dude and for the most part, Dude could handle it well and go with the flow and P3 guesses this isn’t the absolute worst new thing he had to introduce to his daily errands list but it was certainly new. Usually after killing someone, he’d just go on his jolly way, perhaps whistling a tune while stepping right on top of newly deceased body now that one more annoyance had been taken care of, but now Dude had to spend a good while after with the cold dead body and occasionally drag them off for even more privacy so there would be less of a chance someone would come across the pretty disturbing scene of Dude trying to collect as much blood from the body as he could.

He was still trying to improve on how he actually went about doing this. The least messy way he found was using a syringe but that took a bit longer than other options and didn’t even really provide that much blood if he didn’t repeat his actions a bunch of times, so sometimes he’d go about it the bit messier way and just find a good place to cut open and drain what he could into some of the bottles he’d started to carry around in his backpack now.

It was kinda a pain to clean himself afterwards if he had other things to do and couldn’t exactly be covered in blood while doing so (which was most of the time) but he didn’t mind much. It was all trial and error since he was new to this but it was definitely worth it to know he’s helping out his boyfriend and to know how thankful he is for this. Seeing as p1 couldn’t go out in the daylight and even still had his phobia of being around people and being outside in general at night, p3 felt like it was his job to help him out and provide what he could for his little blood sucker. Coming home had actually became something p3 looked forward to even more now since when he did, and announced to his fanged boyfriend that he’d gotten him a new supply, the way p1 would perk up made his heart flutter every time..no matter how gay that sounded.

P3 was actually looking forward to this right now as he skipped as jolly as ever as his old trailer came into view. Throwing a wave towards Champs direction once he saw the old mutt in his beat up dog house, he quickly sped up to the door, opening it with a loud “Honey! I’m home!”. Only to be met with…no sight of his boyfriend anywhere at first. The light was off for some reason which was pretty unusual. By now P1 would usually be either watching TV or sitting on the couch watching..wolf documentaries on his iPad of all things..which the irony in that had been pointed out to p1 multiple times by now but he didn’t seem to change his interest in the animal despite the jokes.

Confused, P3 switched the lights back on, smiling as a groan came as soon as the lights filled the living room again. Apparently his blood sucker had been laying down on the couch. Tossing his backpack off for now, he made his way over to look down at him from behind the couch, only for his smile to drop as he saw the state P1 was in. He looked pretty miserable, somehow paler than usual as he scowled and pulled the blanket up more over him. “What’s wrong dollface? Did you not drink anything yet? I told you I left some extra bottles in the fridge.” He asked as he ran a hand into P1s long hair. That was another thing he was proud of actually. Since he’d came into P1s life, he’d actually helped him improve in a couple things. One being that he convinced P1 he was worth taking care of himself..so now his hair wasn’t always matted and tangled as it had been before.

P1 leaned into his boyfriend touch but didn’t seem any happier. “No. I know but…mm..” P1 grumbled, apparently not wanting to say exactly what was going on, instead settling to face his head to kiss the palm of p3s hand instead. P3s smile stayed as he ran a thumb across his boyfriends cheek bone. “But what?” He asked. P1 looked up at him for a moment, in thought about something before shaking his head. “You’ll..get mad at me if i-..” he yet again mumbled. The brunette of the two rolled his eyes playfully before removing his hand from him and crossing his arms on the back of the couch. “Did you manage to trick some poor pizza guy to come over and now he’s rotting in our room? Or maybe he kicked your ass and that’s why you’re all mopey?” P3 knew at times when P1 won’t spit out what he wants to say or is holding something in, humor or messing with him usually helped. They were a pretty good match in that way.

P1 rolled his eyes now too and finally sat up, giving p3 the chance to see how bad off p1 actually was at the moment. His face was even skinner than usual and his eyes looked ‘dead’ which was a usual sign he hadn’t drank in a while..which he already said he hadn’t but- “I don’t want some uh..like pizza guys blood.” The fanged Dude said. P3 nodded and joked “yeah you’re too good for that.” P1 glared at him for just a minute before rubbing his eyes and continuing. “I don’t want…Dude. I..The blood you’ve been bringing back is..okay. I appreciate it but it’s all so cold and-”

“You can probably heat blood up. Yknow we have a microwave..might make it smell bad for me but I dunno I might like it! When someone is burning they kinda smell like chicken so..”

P1 squinted a moment before sighing. “No. I’m just trying to say..the last time I had yours…it was so good and warm.. all these other random other people I’m drinking from aren’t as good.” He finally confessed. P3 couldn’t help but get..a tiny bit red at that (probably not helping the situation here since p1 sounds like he could eat him whole right now since apparently..he was ‘warm’). He gave a slight nervous chuckle before standing up straight again. “Didnt I let you do that at least twice last week? I think you’re just starting to get spoiled…” P3 said before starting to go over to grab his backpack to provide him with a bottle. And for fucks sake..a fucking whine sounded like it slipped out of his boyfriend. “Pleassee… I’m not getting spoiled…it’s just you taste really good and I’m tired of random peoples bland cold blood.”

Now one of p3s favorite things about his boyfriends whole ‘vampire’ thing was all the sucking and tasting innuendos. It was just too easy. He smirked and stopped in his steps to look back over at him. “I taste good, huh? In more ways than one?” Now either p1 knew what he was doing or he was just dense but either way..he nodded. “Mhm..and..maybe if you let me have what I want..I’ll ‘taste’ you the other way after.” It was a miracle in P1s mind he was able to get that sentence out with a minimal shake in his voice. He still wasn’t used to being with someone..or even being in situations like that with someone but he supposed fair was fair and well..he is his boyfriend so he obviously would wanna do that anyways. And of course, when p1 had gotten that offer out, p3 being the horn dog he is, changed his tune real quick.

“Yknow what? I’ll take ya up on that.” He smirked as he made his way back to him on the couch. P1 grinned as p3 made his way to sit down and scooted over but paused when p3 did while the smirk left. “Just..be good and don’t yknow fucking kill me. Or I guess you can. Dying because of you would be alright I suppose.” He finished, finally sitting down. P1 shook his head playfully and scooted up closer. “Of course not.” Now that P1 was this close…maybe it would have been a good idea to have drank some beforehand because the way p3 smelled was intoxicating..and the heat coming off him was almost too much. He hadn’t felt this much of a need for him in this way before.. not being able to really hold back, he made his way to sit on his lap, not wasting much time to lean in close to the side of p3s neck, taking in the warmth and how his vains seemed to pop out in P1s eyes. P3 felt the tip of his boyfriend nose slowly move across the side of his neck which caused him to swallow. He felt like fucking prey under him which..still wasn’t something p3 was used to. Not that it scared him, he trusts p1 but he was usually the one in control. To regain somewhat of a grasp of the situation, he held onto P1s thin hips as he continued.

“Let go.” He whispered, still not moving away from his neck. Before p3 could ask why, his boyfriend continued before licking a stripe up his neck. “Take off your jacket.” The brunette listened and shrugged off what he could while sitting down and p1 helped pushed the sleeve down out of his way from what side he was leaned into. Now he had much better access to the area he drank from last time which he could still see the scars from. A mix of feelings washed over him as he saw his old bite and fang marks in the skin where Dudes shoulder met his neck. Mostly he felt proud and content knowing he’d been walking around with that even though he rarely took his jacket off. For just a moment he imagined him taking it off just for some bitch to get jealous of him, seeing he belonged to someone else. But those thoughts could wait for later. He felt practically in heaven in this situation right now and not taking a bite already felt like he was just teasing himself..but he supposed a little preparation was always good.

Apparently he wasn’t only teasing himself however, feeling a sudden..sign in p3s pants that he was enjoying this in some way too. The ginger couldn’t help but giggle and go back in to lick over the spot he’d previously bit. He heard a small breath leave his boyfriend and his hands once again return to his hips. “You’re too good to me.” P1 whispered as he glanced down to his boyfriends tan skin. “I know. That’s wh- MM-!” The little fucker cut him off with one more lick from the flat of his tongue, only to finally sink his fangs in. P3 didn’t hate the feeling, it felt amazing the past two times and he sure it will start to feel better in a minute but the sharp first sting always had him biting his own bottom lip.

P1 brought his other hand up to hold onto p3s other shoulder to hold himself up steady as he quickly felt himself getting lost in the way p3 tasted. In all of his life nothing compared to the warmth and taste of him. Something about it was just so much better than anyone else he’d ever drank from and it certainly helped that his boyfriend eventually started to raise one of his hands up to his back to ‘soothe’ him when he was the one getting fucking drank from. P3 ran his thumb up and down a area of his boyfriends spine as he listened to the little noises that escaped from his vampires throat. He (correctly) assumed this was also satisfying more than his literal thirst ..especially when p1 would occasionally grind in closer to him and it didn’t take long for the ginger to get worked up himself too to where his boyfriend could feel it and him panting.

P3 couldn’t help but to groan a couple times and let his body relax as more and more of blood was taken from him. All of this made his body feel hot and his head feel dizzy like usual but this time..he felt a bit more dizzy than usual. It was probably because p1 was..really drinking more from him than he usually did. He’d never felt a liquid start rolling down himself during this before but he certainly did now. He also felt his boyfriend huff even more as he continued and felt the fucker even bite down harder, like he was forgetting, ‘hey you’re drinking from ur boyfriend here’. And it was getting all too much when P1s knee pressed in between his legs more and the room felt like it was spinning.

With what energy he could muster, he let out a silent “hey…” when p1 didn’t answer and just kept on ‘enjoying his meal’ that he was taking a bit too much enjoyment of, he gave a slight pat to his hip. “Hey. C-calm down already..y-you’re gonna- I’m not gonna have much blood left sk-skippy.” Thankfully this got P1s attention this time and he finally slowly unhooked his fangs out, quickly licking up what was still pouring out before sitting up straight to look at p3. And sure, p3 felt super fucking light headed and probably wouldn’t be in the mood for his bj anymore now that he can’t focus on one thing much and was tired as shit but what he did notice and take immense pleasure of was how fucking blissed out his boyfriend looked now..only being slightly terrified that his boyfriends mouth and chin was pretty well covered in his blood.

The life in his eyes was back and even some color was in his face now. His cheeks were back to looking a bit plumper again too. He watched as p1 licked his lips and a slurty grin appeared on his face. “Guessed you had fun hm??” P3 asked as he rested his head back on the couch. “Mhm~ thank you babe.” P1 sang as he leaned in to give him a quick kiss. P3 only hummed ‘mhm’ back before closing his eyes. The ginger stared at him for a moment longer while licking more of the blood off his lips before going to slip back down onto the ground to get started on his side of the deal..until a hand grabbed his upper arm and p3 only shook his head. “Forget it. You nearly damn killed me I just wanna chill for a moment.”

“Oh…sorry…do you want me to patch up your arm?” P1 innocently asked as he looked back over to the bloody shoulder. Again p3 shook his head and now pulled p1 up closer and wrapped his arms around him. “Nope. Just stay still for a minute would ya?” The vampire grinned and nuzzled into him. “Fine..you know we wouldn’t have this problem maybe if you’d let me turn you into a vampi-”

“We’ll get there when we get there” the brunette mumbled as he got moved to get more comfortable. P1 chuckled and finally closed his eyes too. “Of course”

#postal dude #p2 x p3 #postal 2 #postal 3 #postal fanfic #sorry if this is uhhh BAD or whatever #the ending was kinda my first time writing like that so 😳😳😳 it’s prob not good but oh well #just having some FUNN

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vanillacoolatta · 4 years

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the fact that i am fully aware there is an even greater population of 12 year old (as opposed to 14+) stans on twt than tumblr is like. especially nauseating esp with what has been happening recently. obv no fandom is perfect including the tumblr ones and i dont have twt so im sure the stuff ive seen is cherrypicked but the stuff i have witness to is just so. toxic?? like im sure there are good ppl on twt too but since they have such a huge platform and are constantly in the spotlight i feel like its almost poisoning those ppl or smthn yknow

#dnrb #negative #if i had a constant chance of being rtwted by a cc i liked when i was 12 years old i think that would have fucked me up actually #tumblr has always felt more personal and down to earth in fandoms for me #most fandom ppl i meet here are around 17 or older (with exceptions #but the youngest ive interacted with is like 14 or 15 and for good reason)#but the outspoken part of the twt fanbase in most fandoms seems so much younger and not as predisposed to the rules or common sense culture #of most parts of the internet #and on twt which is full of celebrities and ppl trying to get their 5 minutes #it just feels so much more stressful and like a terribly negative environment for ANYONE but especially people 14 and younger #who havent had the opportunity to experience something less bad #idk what im trying to say #i guess just. as ive grown up and seen fandom spaces change across the internet it just seems like every year theres something worse yknow #like everyone made fun of scene kids in the 2000s but most of them werent problematic or anything #but now with the era of kids being expected to put their whole lives on blast on twitter and insta and snapchat #it just feels like everyone is expected to be some form of selfish and the internet/twitter has turned into a pool of sharks #waiting for you to do something they dont like so they can cancel you or whatever #but when they inevitably get 'cancelled' themselves #(which by the way is the absolute worst way to handle situations like that. ppl should be held accountable for their actions and saying the #yre cancelled just makes them more likely to keep doing what theyre doing)#but when they inevitably get cancelled themselves they blow up and call everyone names and go dark for a week until they come back spouting #the same bs

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makiema · 4 years

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finally finished writing about how much stormbringer enhances the skk dynamic which was at a nascent stage in Fifteen and anticipates the developments which happen later and culminate in Dead Apple where the faith they have in each other is absolutely remarkable! the fact that i said i’d do this in a few hours yesterday but it took me like 24 hrs to finish i have an attention span of a whole 2 minutes 💀

my favorite thing about stormbringer is that it actually builds up on the concepts/themes introduced in Fifteen so it's a glimpse into what has changed in dazai and dazai & dhuuya after one year of being together. As much as it's about chuuya confronting his past and his identity this is also about dazai’s development from who he was in fifteen. chuuya and rimbaud both left their marks on dazai and in Stormbringer we see him, actually trying to emulate or follow in a sense a way of life, that chuuya and rimbaud represented. Stormbringer is not just about chuuya, abt his test of humanity, or he coming in terms with who or what he is. it's about dazai too. it's about dazai developing or at least attempting to develop what he calls “boyish”/ “ordinary” in Fifteen. its not about chuya having an identity crisis. in fact what we understand from Code 04's last section is that chuuya never considered it as his crisis and neither did dazai. so to dazai “saving chuuya is important, human or not doesn't matter” and when dazai gives chuuya time to think abt what the operation will cost him chuuya doesnt so much as flinch form his purpose. This goes on to show unlike verlaine he doesnt care about memory and certainly doesnt consider it as the only determinant of someone being human. He cares more abt yokohama and his friends and in that, in caring abt his “family”, he is just as human as the next person. whether he’s factually human or not comes secondary to his desire to save people. This is a message that the quality of being human has more to do with embodying human qualities or humanity than having memories and lineage. so yeah stormbringer is essentially about embracing humanity but this happens on 2 levels: both chuuya and dazai embrace humanity. Going back to the boyish or ordinary bit, im talking abt this segment:

here dazai is shocked because he assumed everyone “gangsta” and everyone crazy powerful delighted in homicide, in deliberately indulging in the macabre. but he is proved wrong. He logically concluded that anyone with power more than average and belonging to the underground would kill people and delight in that because it’s a given they lack any kind of moral understanding. To that end, they’d be exalted at the prospect of relentlessly shooting a dead body, mutilating it and dishonoring it. The mafia code (any general mafia code) works in a way where honor and death goes hand in hand. So only the lowest of the low would do that to a dying person, who even when faced with certain death is loyal to his own organisation. This really shows that even within the mafia dazai is the only person whos like the devil incarnate. So yeah dazai at this sate far lower than even a mafia member. But chuuya who actually embodiess the mafia code and is incredibly loyal to his organisation and “family” [ putting family in quotes bc he himself calls his friends family 🥺] ofc kicks the gun away. From dazai’s pov chuuya being as insanely powerful as he is should also do the same. But chuuya comes along and suggests that even enemies should be shown respect where it’s due. And that is what an ordinary person, oblivious to mafia life (mafia life as in waht dazai makes of it) thinks. So in undermining the binary between “ordinary” and “mafia” chuuya proves that being mafia doesnt necessarily mean selling your soul to the devil and giving up the last smidge of humanity. In fact by embodying qualities like compassion and kindness and mutual respect, you can make the mafia a better place for yourself and for the other members. Now in Stormbringer, we see how this affected dazai. here dazai is introduced as someone mercilessly killing to set up the channel.

Now to expand the channel one would need to keep doing it right? To mercilessly kill ppl and stuff but instead what he does is hand the channel over to chuuya bc he knows chuuya wouldnt handle it like him. im not suggesting that dazai miraculously becomes v good or anything with dazai the key words is “try” or “to some extent” like in Fifteen when Chuuya asks “do u wanna live” he’s like “ not to that extent”. similarly its not to say he doesnt kill people anymore. it is that he tries to lessen the number of casualties by handing over one of the most troublesome channels to chuuya who would manage it in a much more humane way. That dazai draws from his friends/at least tries to is smth we’ll see again later on when he deals with akutagawa. He talks about odasaku and ofc its baffling to him that a mafia member as powerful as him would be taking acre of orphans. and dazai says but he cant afford to be that kind and proceeds to shoot akutagswa but again does so in a calculated way such that he doesnt end up killing him ( im NOT justifying dazai’s abuse not at all im just saying that its hard to believe he coincidentally knew the exact no of bullets that aku could block. and had odasaku’s words and his way of life not been in the back of his mind he could’ve ended up killing aku) coming back to chuuya and dazai we also see him avoiding further conversation on the jewelry channel thing as he says “leave that for now”. He does a similar thing again when mori brings up the concept of double suiciding with chuuya.

Its a HUGE thing for him to digest that him suiciding would inevitably spell the doom for chuuya. this puts an unimaginable responsibility on him. And he avoids further discussion on this. Now we know dazai is the rambly type. Even in the most dire moments he goe son with his LOONG monologues so really he is the last person who’d avoid a conversation but he deliberately does it in these 2 instances because its hard for him to grasp these things. That he can go against his nature and do a conscientious thing by handing over one of the most grisly channels to chuuya (i dont think dazai’s nature is evil. Or even if it is, its a a social construct keeping in mind the war ravaged times or its mori’s construct because he does exploit dazai to the hilt. but dazai ofc thinks of himself as non-human, devious. perfectly devilish...etc.) And also the fact that someone as suicidal as him is actually responsible for the life of someone else is really too much to take in. a whole 10 seconds pause indicates just how much he was thrown off when mori opened his eyes to the reality of things: if he dies, chuuya inexorably dies as a consequence. also i dont think the “wow” here or the next bit :

is something jokey. if it was like haha double suicide with chuuya is the worst haha wanna do it w pretty lady kind of a deal. that pause would have been unnecessary. dazai’s immediate reaction would’ve been whining and shit. the use of “froze” too implies the gravity of the situation. so ofc what is “wow” is how much meaning his life has for someone else. and for some so much....better than him. and what is unacceptable is this sad, sad truth that his life (to which he ascribes no value) would be so inextricably linked with someone else’s and hold so much meaning to them. it is like when a suicidal person at the brink of suicide understanding his life is not his own. his life and death holds consequences for ppl surrounding him. so both of these are huge things to grasp and at both these times dazai is visibly shaken up so much so that he doesnt want to do his favorite thing- ramble in a condescending tone. smth he does in so many instances. this really is a testimony to the fact that things are changing in him. the redemption process has begun. he’s no longer the kind of maniac he was before he encountered chuuya. when zuko underwent his transition in atla he was so shaken up after one (1) right decision he had a fever. i think this is true for anyone who’s trying to change. change is after all a huge thing for everyone. ofc he’ll be unsettled. so anyways this is proof that he has indeed come a long way from being someone who revelled at the prospect of meaningless bloodshed.

now coming to the concept of love he assumes he’d get sick of love and die:

and that death is the singular goal worth chasing after because it makes you feel more alive/get a fuller picture of what living entails. but here he is erring by supposing love is something that’ll bore him/have no meaning. and it cant provide him that “something” he’s looking for. at this point he hasn’t loved so he doesnt know whether he’ll be sick of it or if it'll have no impact. And yet he’s morose and regretful. this is a kind of self-imposed constraint hes putting on himself. he cancels out the v idea of love because hes convinced it isnt worth it. he hasnt even been in love okay scratch being in love that sounds romantic and i really dont mean love in a romantic sense here...its just love. in general. any form is cool. anyway so dazai is not familiar with any kind of love. He is entirely alien to the concept. he doesnt even know what a friend/partner is so he doesnt know what love is. this is cleared out here when rimbaud confesses he did everything for paul and dazai is unconvinced:

chuuya ofc admonishes him and shuts him up for good, he says dazai has no right lookind down upon smth he doesnt understand. he doesnt understand friendship, love. or loyalty. or how important those feelings are at this point. now this situation is turned on its head in stormbringer. but before we go into that let’s look at the message rimbaud had for both of them. ik he specifically asks for chuuya to “live” but there’s purpose behind including both of them in the frame. it’s a message they should both take to heart. and at the end of it its implied both are changed after hearing it:

and in this message the first bit is for chuuya. what he says is basically memory doesn’t make u human... ”you are you” just a frame or not doesnt matter. and even if hes just a frame, he is still beautiful. beauty actually is a v important concept in literature starting right from Plato to Shakespeare. i’d not bring this here but because bsd is so deeply rooted in literature i feel like the reference to beauty, and later on to soul and even warmth and also the universal tone of this message carries some meaning. so the thing is both Plato and Shakespeare were endorsed the idea of love as a force awakened in the world by beauty which then leads the soul to perfection. so humans and by extension, all life are beautiful frames that can inspire love. this concept is also there in Romantic poetry like Keats and Wordsworth all of them talked about loving beauty in nature and how that can elevate the body mind and soul. so essentially in telling this to chuuya what ehe basically means is that chuuya just by being him, by being a beautiful framework can inspire love and warmth in others and thats a great purpose! how much chuuya understands of this purpose with his one (1) braincell and his low self esteem is questionable but he gets some sense of belonging. now this is a two way relationship so ofc dazai has to be factored in. he comes in the next part:

these are from 2 different translation so the disparity im sorry ;-; but anyway, this last part abt the world being a cold place. then paul. then “warmth” is a message to dazai who’s been introduced to us as cold-hearted and having like no bearings of a human being. this is the reason why its important for both o f them to be there. now going back to chuuya being a beautiful framework, the framework can be beautiful in so far as its beauty is appreciate by someone and inspires warmth and love in someone. this again is the whole beauty/beholder nature/the romantic concept that is there in shakespeare and in Romantic poetry where both are a part of a codependent relationship. so what rimbaud implies here is that dazai can have that kind of a relationship with another person (chuuya) just like rimbaud had with paul which makes him warm and the world doesnt feel cold anymore. rimbaud has no regrets about what he did because. so the idea is that dazai and chuuya can share the same dynamic. also after this, the narrative says that their hearts are now changed and wont return to what they were before....and even their souls are refined in a way. but in Fifteen we dont have a concrete proof of how this happened bc the novel ends at this point. Instead, Stormbringer shows exactly how deep the impact of those words is:

this is the third instance of dazai showing hesitation and once again this has to do with chuuya. the seed of the dynamic that rimbaud was talking about is already germinating in him. his reactions, his fidgeting, his hesitancy, in response to chuuya’s situation is such a big contrast to his cocksure self when he’s conversing with adam and verlaine. after this of course we have:

not only does he clearly express his concern but he gives chuuya 2 whole mins to make a decision and based on that he’s prepared to overturn the operation. the success rate of an alternative plan will ofc be lesser than the og one but that doesnt faze dazai. he’s ready to turn the tide for chuuya’s sake and if this is not development idk what is. just a year ago, he was someone to whom the concept of rimbaud going thru all that trouble for his friend was a lost concept. ironically enough, now he finds himself doing something that is along the same lines. he puts chuuya above his mission. to him, chuuya is more important than getting a satisfactory result. another bit that i wanna talk abt is that one controversial section where dazai says he’ll save chuuya, human or not, and then the justification is:

i think a lot of people got mad bc of this and honestly at first glance i was peeved too. as a chuuya stan some of the shit dazai has done so far did rub me the wrong way. i love skk obv but still those were moments that kind of left a bad taste in the mouth. i’ll discuss them later on bc stormbringer helps allay that feeling. coming back to the “i wanna see chuuya suffer” part firstly context is important. ofc someone like dazai cant be expected to be upfront about his feelings with ppl (or AI) he barely knows. so what be relays to adam, is only partly true and its actually a kind of a twist in concept. the things is, and this is smth dazai knows all too well is that ppl suffer simply on account of being human. human suffering is brought on because humans, by virtue of being humans, feel. so when he says he’s willing to acknowledge chuuya as human despite what N and Verlaine said he’s already admitting that chuuya suffers. so there is really nothing “new” to see for him. he knows chuuya suffers already and he does too because they’re both humans trying to make it thru their messed up lives. also chuuya “ceasing to be human” is a p huge concern for him bc he himself is like that. just like with the suicide thing, it bothers dazai when someone else shares his situation/his fate like as long as his life is his own, he has no problem ending it whenever but the situation is complicated when someone else’s life span is determined by that decision. and similarly, as long as he is “no longer human” its not that much of an issue because he’s like resigned to a doomed fate but someone like chuuya ceasing to be human or worse yet never getting to know if hes human or not are pressing matters. so anyways what he actually means here is that in saving chuuya, he saves someone who suffers just like he does and in their case, even the cause of suffering boils down to a shared psychological conflict: what essentially constitutes being human and if im human or not. now this sharing of pain and suffering is the foundation of forming a connection with someone, which makes life a little better. here again, what rimaud imparted to dazai and chuuya is driven home. also dazai’s key anxiety is not finding meaning/anything. this “anything” can be assumed to be something that justifies life. so all his anxiety and frustration stems from the fact that there really is no discernible meaning to be found in the mechanism of life. so it is an empty pursuit because it is true that nothing can explain why feelings of pain and suffering are exponentially heavier than feelings of happiness or why after getting to experience one (1) free day we’re back to square one where life is grueling. these are questions that really dont have an answer so every time dazai like gazes into the abyss and says he didnt find anything, he is not so much asking if he’ll ever find anything as swallowing the hard truth that there is nothing to be found, no singular entity exists that can magically justify everything. again drawing upon literature or philosophy more specifically, there’s a concept called Absurdism which says the only philosophical truth so to say is this that life is absurd and looking for meaning is futile. instead what we can do is accept that it is absurd and deal with it in the best way possible, by finding little sources and moments of happiness, and strewing them together so we feel somewhat content. even if it is just for a fleeting second. and this happiness/contentment amidst a wretched life (altho temporal) can be found in friendship, in sharing, and even in having fun with people you’re comfortable with! this is actually why dazai wants to save chuuya and now it may seem like im interpreting his words through the shipping lens but thats not so and it can be corroborated by looking into dazai’s words to odasaku. after chuuya, dazai’s next attempt at friendship was odasaku who he found “interesting”. now when odasaku sort of like threw hands and chose death over having to live a life without the orphans, dazai tried to stop him not by saying stuff like life is good. and things will def change for the better. but instead he admits that living is hard and the sense of void is ubiquitous and yet he doesnt want him to up and die because then he would be sad. because the little comfort that he got from odasaku and something he probably assumed odasaku also got from him would be gone. [how much odasaku considered dazai a source of comfort remains unclear. in fact the reason odasaku gave up and died was because he did not have this. this feeling of sharing in someone else’s suffering and seeking comfort in friends in the real world. instead he was too vested in his ideal world. his over reliance on an entirely idealistic concept is actually what pushed him over the edge. and this would have been the case for dazai too had he not encountered and sought comfort and companionship in chuuya and eventually in odasaku ] so this again goes on to show how rimbaud’s words changed dazai’s heart. and in a way dazai really has been doing this unconsciously form the v beginning like by teasing chuuya continually in Fifteen. you dont expect someone as cold as him to indulge in friendly bickering and taunting so often but he does. that there is significance and even happiness in that is something he learns over time, after rimbaud’s words to him. although these things seem futile on the surface they give a moment’s respite. so although chuuya spinning dazai on a rope in stormbringer might seem weird to everyone, they still serve a purpose:

what shirase puts forward is particularly relevant here because neither dazai nor chuuya is fully aware of the extent of their feelings (or even what those feelings are like they dont know what label to put. so typical oblivious lovers) for each other or what they stand to gain just by driving each other nuts but there is something intangible but satisfying to be felt. a kind of contentment that helps him continue. one day at a time. there is no one great “thing” that can make him like wake up one day feeling like he doesnt want to die ever again. but again like i said before, the key word for dazai is “extent” so, these little things to some extent contribute to a sense of fulfilment which helps him keep death at bay. thats why he’s bent on saving chuuya bc he knows they can share in their suffering and make life better for each other. its not like he wants chuuya to suffer. chuuya will suffer nonetheless like every other human. but in suffering together there is something to be found so he doesnt want him to cease being human.

this covers more or less the intertextuality between Stormbringer and Fifteen. i just wanna talk a bit more about a couple other moments in Stormbringer that i feel are p important because they put some things in the series in perspective and also made the dead apple moment 10x more emotional 🥺 one thing that really strikes me is the absolute fanon level of comfort that dazai and chuuya share in Strombringer. its like scenes form k-drama lol.

so yeah this stuff. compare this with dazai’s reaction @atsushi when he drops im not saying that its not just a joke and that what im saying should be the right way to look at this contrast. its not like that at all. but what this does is give an estimate to the readers just how close and comfortable dazai feels when its chuuya. and this plus everything i rambling on abt for so long also gives us an estimate about the sincerity of dazais feelings. now 2 things always bothered me : the fact that dazai actually left chuuya and the fact that after the fight against lovecraft he actualy deserted him (this again can ofc be construed as just a humorous bit but still it did leave a bad taste in my mouth) dazai leaving the mafia is ofc something he had to do to fulfil oda’s dying wish but it still dint sit right with me that he would abandon chuuya. just like oda levaing is harder on dazai, dazai leaving is harder on chuuya. its always harder on the one left behind. so anyway, these sorts of things sometimes made me doubt dazai’s feelings but now that stormbringer clears it all up i do think there is a larger motif at work here. when mori offers dazai to come back to the mafia in s2 we see him saying that it was mori who kicked him out and that he did so because he was afraid dazai would usurp his position. so he set it up in a way that dazai would be forced to leave but on his own accord. now more than usurpation i believe what mori really did fear is that dazai had no allegiance to the mafia (which is actually true) bc he doesnt have that sense of loyalty and that to him his friends were more important than swearing allegiance to mori. (which again is true). so by getting oda killed, the message that mori seemed to be giving out was if dazai didnt leave he would do it again. and if we consider ango’s betrayal which had already transpired at that point, the one mori would next target to sort of get at dazai would inevitably be chuuya. this is only conjecture but still, i do believe this might as well be true because then it would explain why dazai didnt carry chuuya back to the base after their fight [something he was v comfortable doing in Stormbringer. in fact in the first case he carries chuuya back to the billiards bar and not to the mafia’s base so he could hear albatross’ last words 🥺] its because mori needs to know unlike dazai, chuuya is absolutely loyal to him which regrettably he is. it kinda becomes imperative therefore on part of dazai to make it seem that way to mori. that they really are at each others throats and that dazai is insignificant to chuuya. and that the mafia comes before dazai. (which is not true bc we see chuuya protecting his friend [shirase] while also staying loyal to the mafia in Stormbringer)

mori also in his own way tries to provoke hostility b/w them like in Dead Dpple when he was all like yeah so dazai is the star and chuuya is merely bait. so it kinda makes sense if dazai left the mafia not only to like do good work but also to protect chuuya from mori. also the fact that chuuya did the same thing— left the Sheep and joined PM to protect Shirase from the mafia makes be believe that my speculation is plausible given all the parallels we find between dazai and chuuya.

and the last bit is about the brilliant Dead Apple scene and how much added context it gets in light of Stormbringer.

in this scene dazai first says: “you used Corruption believing in me?” and then the translation is “how beautiful” which is an okay translation but the exact thing dazai said was “nakasetekurerune” which literally is : youre gonna make me cry you know? now my knowledge of japanese is like duolingo level but i do know “nakasete” has to do with crying and “kureru” is used by the receiver to indicate he’s receiving a feeling/object from someone close. so basically chuuya trusting him is something so beautiful that it could almost move him to tears. now lets look at dazai’s intro in Stormbringer:

dazai, being dazai, ofc would be able to tell genuine trust from fealty out of fear so ofc the fact that chuuya has this kind of blind faith in him is overwhelming for him. also stormbringer really expands on the sight effects of Corruption in full detail. its so PAINFUL and to think that chuuya would jump into it right away for dazai’s sake.....no wonder he is so soft when deactivating him. and then he proceeds to flirt for a little bit with the Snow White and the kiss of life reference. but this flirting doesnt seem even a little out of place now. it doesn't feel like smth meaningless or smth that dazai is just saying as a joke. that there is absoluetly no subtext to making a statement like that. instead that kind of flirting feels like smth inspired from a deep, deep familiarity with someone who really shares his heart and soul. when he talks to chuuya abt the problem of not knowing whether he is human or not, it is a problem that is as central to him as it’s to chuuya. not feeling fully reconciled to a human identity is a problem thats fundamental to both of them. I don’t think familiarity gets any deeper than this where you share the exact same psychological problem. so its really wonderful how we can trace the skk development now: what starts out as a crush on part of dazai or not a crush exactly rather, a feeling of perplexed admiration because chuuya is breathtakingly beautiful inside out, eventually gain all these layers and develops into something meaningful where they have so much faith in each other and where they literally help each other live. knowing someone out there shares your exact issue so you’re really not alone in this is perhaps the greatest comfort in the world. also now its clear how both of them would have turned out had they not met each other and had they not taken in rimbaud’s advice. chuuya in his desire to learn about himself and frustration at not being able to do the same would have perhaps spiralled downward and ended up becoming like verlaine. he is his double here after all. and had dazai not seen chuuya up close being the wonderful person he is, he too would have probably ended up developing a god complex and becoming like fyodor. dazai is there to save chuuya literally from dying a monster and chuuya is there to remind him he too can try and mend his ways and embrace his human side. after all chuuya has so much trust him in! (despite him having questionable methods) for both of them, it starts out as an attempt to be more human, then establishing a fruitful partnership, and finally coming in terms with their feelings to some extent. for dazai, he’s comfortable enough to engage in occasional flirting at this point and for chuuya it’s playing along with dazai’s antics (well with the ones he get 💀 pretty boy has half a functional braincell) and openly showing his concern for him. so really by confirming their feelings what strombringer does is enhance the skk development in a way that Dead Apple doesnt seem like fan service anymore. the fact that dazai would casually flirt or be comfortable with chuuya landing on his crotch 💀 all that isnt as ridiculous as it first seemed because stormbringer lays the groundwork and anticipates all the intimate/flirty skk moments that have happened till now and ig will happen again soon.

#bsd #stormbringer #soukoku #dazai osamu #chuuya nakahara #bungou stray dogs #stormbringer spoilers #bsd meta #bsd analysis

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misterbitches · 3 years

Text

hi! this is long as shit i’m sorry. i hope it makes sense. i ahve adhd and like 5 million learning disorders so this is just word vomit cos there’s so many words in my brain. my b.

i’ve had such a tough day so thank you for replying and sharing! @yeedak

i was thinking about what i wrote and i meant to clarify that as well. some cases are fine for both parties and it’s not like you weren’t consenting and it seems like you were happy! same with my friend who was dating a 20 yr old. if they’re happy you know i’ll clown on ‘em but yea. so for anyone that sees these posts your relationship with your partner who is older or whatever. i’m some dumb girl on the internet okay. ill side eye older ppl tho

i think a lot of people feel the same way you do now (me included.) it feels really good at the time but alter we can see the dynamics playing out. i’m 29 now and i think aging is just such a huge process. it’s wild how you at 31 are a totally different person, right?

and the US racism is probably some of the worst ever in its iteration because of slavery which started from europe etc but USA is so fucking unique bc of columbus bringing slaves here and displacing indigenous peoples or hispanola and because america is so influential the way it views race, particularly with black people as objects, has so deeply permeated into the current historical psyche globally. it’s fascinating to track how necessary anti blackness is to the flourishing of america but also the world at this point. also want to point out how fuckign scary sinophobia is here especially for covid. one is a straight historical line (black ppl + the US) and the other had to be manufactured and to continue to exploit the non-white americans and keep antiblackness in tact.i could go on about this all day. the pain of this place is immense.yet as bad as it is here, this is still the only place i truly feel safe as a black person. because of the unique experience we have in america and through the diaspora especially because we are veyr much ocncentrated here. it would be nice to like move to norway and have some alleviation financially or get free healthcare it’s just not feasible if no one looks like me. it’s fucking tough.

i hope you don’t hate it here though and people treat you with respect. but as you know being a woman and jewish and an immigrant....shit is tough. the USA is a hellhole. :( america is so deeply tainted and desperately bad because it was founded on strife and blood and there’s no way to reverse that and what this country did in turn when it gained enough power and could capitalize off of the colonial forefathers. this is why we hsould all luv revolution!!!

HOWMEVERRRR

boy oh boy oh BOY OH BOYYYYYYYY. well wlecome to the world of BL lmao especially as an adult with some obviously deep perspective just given your background. it is a fucking mess and it’s a hard mess to like but it pulls you in. i approach it like i do with soap operas since these are essentially telenovelas, you know? just like the drama at a billion. but the tricky part of that is like....what parts of it do we understand for critiquing? because so many of the shows are so bad at being like good pieces of things to look at just production wise and story wise. but i feel like these shows ask us to take them seriously, so why shouldn’t we take the content seriously? and this is being primarily peddled to young girls.

i bring this up often but i read this thing about yaoi and the interest younger women/girls have in BL and its fascination with pederasty essentially. this component i think is key when we talk about who gets affected by these things the most. society in general is bad 4 girls bla bla we know lmao but in “more sexually conservative” societies it may be harder for these girls to feel safe even expressing normal emotions romantically and sexually and particularly with guys. some people hypothesized, and i think i agree with this hypothesis, that they can live through the casualness of BL. they don’t feel threatened because they can put themselves into the shoes of the other character. oftentimes, the more feminine or the younger. this was in conjunction with the age gap aspect (they say pederasty as well because there’s unethical age gaps that r gross and that is indeed what we would at least call a touch of sexual abuse if people dont feel like calling it an obsession with youth and power and uhhh young ppl and perhaps kids) where maybe girls could see themselves in these situations as the person being saved, loved, taken care of, and sadly also sexually active and penetrated.

i think that’s just one aspect of it but i do think there’s validity in who gravitates towards it. i cannot imagine seeing this stuff and not getting enough information as a young kid, i sure as fuck know i didn’t!, and seeing these things and you look at it with 0 critique because you’re young and you may have no interest in it or you simply cannot understand what is wrong. no one is teaching you these things and these shows confirm it. and it is wild how intrinsic patriarchy is to BL although in its existence it also can’t be in line with patriarchy given the nature of two [cis] men!

it begs the question about the replacement aspect. is it just so girls can put themselves in these characters shoes? if so then that means we believe that gender is so interchangeable within our relationships and interactions and that doesn’t seem right. there’s more to lgbtq+ than just existing; it’s finding ways to communicate, finding a family, safety, your people, being a free person. there’s a lot to gain and a lot a lot to lose. and a gay man is also not a woman because those are also two distinct experiences. especially in societies that have a more hidden aspect to sexuality (idk how to word this bc the BL industry would NEVER survive in america but in a way there’s a more “progressive” look at homosexuality but it’s still fucked up because we live in a Society, you know? at the same time look at what we are doing to trans kids. literally waging war so it’s bonkers how we all collectively have some real progress happening but at the same time not at all. the concept of ‘ladyboys’ and the frequency we see trans people in thai shows is wild and something that we absolutely do not see here in the US. still, none of these groups feel safe or are getting better material conditions in either place. we just show the ways we can try and tolerate oppression witout eliminating it imo)

to me it is clear: it’s money. which most things exist to make money so. but also who is the audience for these shows? and they have to market towards them. all that said all hope is not lost there are some decent shows. it’s just like regular media on TV though where it’s so fucking saturated as an industry that it’s literally sifting through garbage. and there are some days when you can handle the trash and others where it really fucking hurts to watch the violence, the rape, the manipulation, the violations, the stupid messaging. i have never seen more people trying to do mental gymnastics and seeing if things were “technically rape” than in teh BL fandom and that is so fucking sad.

i came into these shows at 28 with almost 0 clue of what as media BL was like esp as media that countries can use as soft power with the revenue. but i realize like...i’m 29 now and so many people don’t have a sizeable, though not huge, amount of life experience. and i wonder for people on the internet who are usually searching for something if they spend so much time on it like what a 15 year old girl thinks. what a 20 year old girl thinks.

it is incredibly problematic and so awful but there’s also some rewards. if you haven’t i would definitely watch i told sunsset about you which i don’t think i’m going to finish and i doubt i’ll watch the second installment (watch this be a lie) but when i say some fucking impeccable storytelling and art? phew. now that is a fucking piece of media that works. it takes from moonlight heavily and you can see like...the artistic dedication is there and the story makes its world and sets up its stakes extremely well.

i think because this is marketed towards much younger people too they know they dont have to try as hard. but they SHOULD because then you can have a fucking masterpiece like that. i think even this prolific gay thai filmmaker (who is like solidly against the government) who is so respected (and who i like a lot! if u wanna know i can tell u lmao but the films are very uhhhhhhhh “artsy”) would like i told sunset about you. i wish more people had budget like that and also just cared about the stories. it’s the fucking magic of art to figure out what you can do but there is very little incentive honestly. idk i am very pessimistic. there are days when it’s really a great pick me up and distraction but it is never a place i would love for to feel seen or heard but i’m more of the mind of i never trust the mainstream until they prove me wrong ;)

or i never trust the mainstream and i still buy into it anyway and then cry when i don’t like what i see adn i yell “BOO GET OFF THE STAGE!” when an old man won’t leave a teenager alone

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angeltrapz · 3 years

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hhmmmmvnfj asks abt Lawrence? umm in a selfship way: what’s ur favorite gift he’s gotten u? — in a character analysis way, bcuz I’ve posted a lil abt it n u mentioned it in DMs too: if William had survived, bc Lawrence was handling new disciples at that time (like Brad n Ryan), how do u think Lawrence n William would’ve interacted? (esp bc we know William was at least vaguely aware of who Lawrence was pre-trap bc of their connections to John)

dfhskj thank u!!! finally getting 2 this

okay fr the selfship part: mentioned it a little bit when replying 2 the other ask u sent, but it’s a worry stone made out of rhodonite (which looks a lil like this), bc he knows how interested I am in gems + rocks n stuff like that but also bc he wanted me to have smth to fidget with in case I forgot my lil lanyard of rolling beads when we went somewhere! it’s smth I just run my thumb along bc it’s smooth n soft n fits perfectly in the palm of my hand. a lot of times if I’m in an uncomfortable situation I can’t get out of, having that w me helps a lot bc it’s grounding n it reminds me of him 💞💞

fr the character analysis part: KJSKFS YEAH I love getting 2 talk abt that bc I actually think abt it quite a bit. as u said, William and Lawrence have always been vaguely aware of each other on account of being connected thru their interactions w John, the doctor who he felt wasn’t kind/sympathetic enough n the insurance agent who denied his (EXTREMELY experimental, mind u) foreign treatment request. I’m not sure that they ever interacted face-to-face PRIOR to John’s death, but after William survives his test it’s just kinda like... who else does he have 2 talk to that might be able to understand even the tiniest bit what he went thru? he loves Pamela to pieces, of course he does, she’s his only family - but she didn’t see what he’d had to do, doesn’t rly KNOW like Lawrence would.

but I still think he’d absolutely be Cautious, bc even w the desire to be understood n maybe even have someone he could confide in, William knows now that Lawrence has been helping John for quite some time - as we see in 3D and as u said, Lawrence is the one handling new disciples, something that only John ever did; Amanda didn’t have her own apprentices, n Hoffman sure as hell didn’t either. that, n William doesn’t know how much involvement, if any, Lawrence had w his own test - that’s smth that wld haunt him a lil, I think. it’s hard to be comfortable around a person who is not only directly involved w the person who felt it necessary to put u in a trap, but who Also may have been the one to put fucking explosive bracelets/anklets n tattoos on u + SEWN A KEY inside of u, which is INCREDIBLY violating of his bodily autonomy. that could warrant a whole discussion of its own tbh.

but. Lawrence is the closest John ever got 2 having a TRUE successor (which I have conflicting feelings on; my reading of Lawrence in SAW 2004 was not someone who wld have joined up w someone who caused him so much pain, but fr the sake of exploring this, I think tht after going thru something as horribly traumatizing and irreversibly changing as he did, he sought that life of control n routine that he felt he had prior to his game, and well, John could certainly provide that,,,) n William would likely know this. Amanda’s dead, Logan is off doing who knows what n living his life, Hoffman is only doing it out of a weird sense of obligation?, and Jill isn’t rly a disciple, just some1 who’s been dragged into it too. (I think William n Jill actually would’ve gotten along tbh,, it’s a different thing entirely whether William would WANT to interact w her.)

I think Lawrence wld want to be able to reassure William that he had no hand in what happened to him (I don’t even know if Lawrence is the one who fitted the bracelets/did the key?), but he like. wouldn’t even know where 2 begin bc how can he explain that in a way that William could ever rely on? how could he ever convince William that he truly wasn’t responsible when all the other man wld have 2 do is look at all of th ppl he assisted John in securing/operating on? Hoffman was the one who put William in his trap, but Lawrence doesn’t know he’ll ever b able 2 prove that in a way William can believe. n I don’t think he’d expect William to believe him, not at all, but I think Lawrence at that point truly doesn’t have anyone - he and Alison are divorced and she has Diana, Adam isn’t around obviously, John + Amanda are gone, Hoffman doesn’t know he exists, so who does he have? I think he longs fr that sort of connection, even if it Is forged thru smth as terrible as what they were both individually put thru by John - they have tht common ground of being involved in his diagnosis + the way he responded to them (petty fucking grievances... kramer I will literally knock yr teeth in u fucker) n being ppl he considered partially responsible fr his downfall in a way (Lawrence wasn’t “kind enough,” William said no to a highly expensive and experimental international treatment that they weren’t even sure wld WORK). and like, not necessarily 2 the same extent, but they were both physically altered by what they went thru. Lawrence is missing his foot. William has scars + tattoos that he could get covered up, sure, but the experience isn’t going away. the scar on his side where the key was hidden is never going away. Lawrence’s prosthetic is functioning but the fact that he cut his fucking foot off isn’t going away. n that’s not even TOUCHING the lasting mental effects.

so I think William wld be feeling rly lost. he just doesn’t know what to do. he doesn’t know if he can even go back to the life he led b4 (if he does, it’s not for a very long time) n he has a hard time looking Pamela in the eye bc he feels personally responsible fr her having been there too + bc of what he’d been made to do to so many ppl. he feels alone, much more than he ever has before, n that’s saying smth bc his personal life was already extremely solitary bc he felt it was safer for him + his career. no one could possibly understand what he went thru, bc nobody saw it. nobody saw the way he tried so hard to keep every1 alive, the way he tried to help the people he worked with + CARED FOR even if he had 2 put himself thru pain to do it (holding onto those pulleys until his shoulders were almost DISLOCATED fr Addy n Allen, burning himself w the steam so Debbie could get thru the maze, the entirety of the shotgun carousel). Tara + Brent didn’t see him sacrifice himself fr his coworkers, n neither did Pamela. nobody knows. William wants some1 to connect with, n that just doesn’t seem like a possibility given that what he went thru in there is knowledge that only he himself + Hoffman carry.

but Lawrence knows. he understands n he's the one 2 kinda make that offer, to just be like “u don’t have 2 trust me right now, or even ever, but I understand n if u want some1 2 talk to, I’m here.” bc what does he have to lose? Adam is gone. Alison n Diana are gone. he’s by himself. and so is William, though he has Pamela. they’re both men who went thru smth unspeakably terrible bc a dying man wanted 2 play god n they came out of it much worse off than they ever were b4 John “helped” them. n William is just like. how much worse could it get? after Jigsaw, what could possibly be worse than what he’s already gone thru? so he’s just kind of like, “okay, we can work this out, I can’t say I trust u right now but maybe I can in the future. we can do this together. we can help each other.” n that’s how they end up meeting for coffee or breakfast/lunch/dinner every so often (coffee meets are at least weekly), n it’s just kind of like. the reassurance that some1 has seen the very worst parts of u and are still around. the relief of knowing someone sees u and knows how hard yr fighting to rebuild a life that’s been shattered into a million tiny pieces. n they’re struggling against that current together, and maybe it starts in a place of “I have no one else so I might as well chill w u,” but eventually William and Lawrence kind of fall into this uneasy friendship. they’re there for each other. William calls Lawrence when he has a nightmare that keeps him up fr hours after, shaking n w his heart beating out of his chest bc he doesn’t want to remember. Lawrence spends th night at William’s place every now n then bc he can’t be alone w his thoughts n the phantom pain in his leg just won’t quiet. they meet for coffee. they have breakfast sometimes. Lawrence has clothes n a toothbrush at William’s and vice versa. they’re in this together.

n maybe that escalates into more (which I believe wld only happen after they get 2 a point where they’ve discussed, at length, John’s legacy n who exactly would be continuing it + if anyone WLD be, n after Hoffman is “disposed of” in a sense), but even if not, they both know they Have Someone who looks at them n doesn’t see them as a monster, not the horrible person John thought he needed to “fix.” they both carry scars, both physically n mentally, frm what they went thru. they’re both struggling to get their bearings + Lawrence is still coping w what he’ll need to do after John’s (and eventually, Jill’s) passing. it won’t be easy, but they’re not walking alone. they’re wading thru the mud together, hand in hand, and fr William n Lawrence, that is enough.

#yes I also hc William as trans!!! not rly mentioned directly but putting that here #thank u thank u!! LOVE getting 2 talk abt stuff like this #saw #william #lawrence #I had. way more thoughts on this than I thought I did oops #long post #asks

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lesdoublesll · 4 years

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Hello!! Just wanted to ask, what do you think about Finkeldorf?? Danke ✌️❤️

Such a small question, but such a complicated one ! I have so much things to say about them I love them so much ♥️

First of all, they are much more than a ship, they are their own persons and boi, I love both. So I think I'll answer what I think of the characters, and of the pairing.

The pairing is AMAZING. They've known each other for so long, they trust each other so much : you can just feel Finkel would do anything to please K, but in an absolutely non toxic way despite K being his superior. He is just super supportive and admirative all the time ! K on the other hand looks very protective with his Finkie ahah which is understandable. He is so adorable, just imagining someone like Freddy being hurt must be unbearable (for me it is 😭). And let's be real : having such a supportive, cute, young boyfriend, I wouldn't want to share him and I would protect him at all costs too ! And I think Taika Waititi did a great job convey all of it in the film, without making it too obvious (because at the time you had to hide it) but on the contrary: making it subtle but beautiful. It's the only long term relationship exposed in it, and it's not even pointed out. Its just there because that is how it is. And that's great lgbt representation : that's just life : they aren't treated any different from hetero characters. Being gay isn't their main trait, it's not only there to serve comic purposes, but it is also there for the plot (for captain K's character and for his relationship with Jojo; I will talk about it later ;) )

So yeah I love them, and the film just reminded me of how it was, being bullied for years for being "a lesbian" (which I am not but you know for some ppl bisexuality is hard to understand) "the bisexual slut who wants to have sex with everyone" and all the slut shaming that came with it. It reminded me of how unfair the whole situation was, of how vulnerable I was, it reminded me of why I've been an active lgbt suppoter for years. And you know, I tend to actually forget how cruel can ppl be sometimes, because it's been two years since I am in humanities in prepschool, half of my friends are bi, the other half are gay and lesbian, I am accepted by my family and my friends, and I have a gf. It's almost like everything is perfect and nothing bad happens to us. But it's not true, and as much as it is crucial we enjoy all the good things that happen to us in life, we must remember some lgbt ppl didn't have that chance and some still don't have it. Some lgbt ppl are still harrassed/arrested/killed everywhere in the world in every country. And Finkeldorf just reminded me that I needed not to forget about it. That I should still fight for my rights, for the rights of every single lgbt person.

Oh and a ww2 gay pairing: my historian brain just loved it xD

Ok. Wow that escalated I am sorry x)

As for the characters.

Freddy Finkel. I absolutely love him with all my heart and that's not even because he is portrayed by the best actor alive. (And the most handsome by the way. ) He is so precious. Maybe he is a little dumb (mostly for comic effects x) ) but he wants to do thing good so bad, almost like he is searching for approval. And surely K gives him all the approval he needs and that's awesome (cause K makes him feel like he isn't that stupid). You can also tell how he is always so enthusiastic and cheerful all the time : he is young and he wants to enjoy life ! And that makes perfect sense that he ends up with someone as desillusioned and sarcastic as K. I think K needs that a lot actually x). Must be refreshing and comforting. Finkel is adorable. Just as Alfie said : he ends up in this situation because of wrong circumstances. He surely does not want to be a soldier, and obviously does not want to be any part of the nazi system: he surely is in the army because it was mandatory, or even before it was mandatory because he wanted to be with K. Just as Alfie said : he is just in love. That's all. Just like a lot of regular soldiers, he must go on and do as he is told, so he can survive with the love of his life. Great life eh ?... :( I don't know if he is part of any group of resistance and I would say no for two reasons. 1) Finkel is loud, dumb and awkward. Not a great idea. 2) I am sure K would not want him to be. He would like to handle things on his own and be sure Finkel is safe. And I am sure Finkel would feel bad for it but would agree with him.

I would never call him a bad person.

Ok Klenzendorf now. There are so many things to say. Sam Rockwell first shall we ? Sam Rockwell is amazing in this role. He just fits perfectly. I have watched a lot of movies with him before and I always loved his part the best in those movies. But in Jojo Rabbit. Omg I was like Pikachu on that meme : :O !! I was gagging !!! (Just ask my gf). He was awesome and the character is PERFECT. Far more complex than Finkel of course, because he is a crucial character of the film. (And a fan favorite of course). He isn't black or white. He isn't a nazi, in the sense that he doesn't believe in this ideology at ALL. That's why he doesn't take his job seriously : that's a fucking rebel and you can't tell me I am wrong. He surely is in the army since WW1. So again : it wasn't his direct choice to be in the german army. But we can tell he likes his job : he likes being a soldier, that was a choice he made before Hitler. But he was let down by this system : all the clubs he used to go to were destroyed, he suddenly could go to KZ because he was gay, his boyfriend could go to KZ because of something he would say or do, his eye lost he couldn't even be seen as valuable by this same system...just imagine seeing the Germany you fought for crumble and fall around you. Being someone and then BOOM being nothing to your country. worst : being someone your country doesn't want at all! Yes that's fucking horrible. And in the film there are evidences that he fights against this system that let him down: the fact that he knows Rosie (who is in a group of resistants) and she HITS him and he says nothing ! That's just like the biggest clue : they are in the same group. X) Rosie's bikes and the gestapo scene when he helps Elsa and Jojo and how he saves Jojo at the end. So yeah surely a resistant. And... he can't to anything else. He can't refuse a mission as a soldier : it would make him in danger, and what he does could make FINKEL in danger too. And if you had to obey to save yourself and your lover I know a lot of ppl out there would do the same. He even tries to convince Jojo to stop thinking about jews, he tries to change his mind ! So he is a complex character and he shouldn't even be a controversial character in the first place. Any sane ppl who watch the film and knows its history should think that way. He isn't the best person, but he is a good person, even if he surely loathes himself for the things he has done. I love him so much!!

There :D thx for the ask.

#alfie allen #jojo rabbit #freddy finkel #sam rockwell #captain klenzendorf #finkeldorf #captain k #taika waititi

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rosykims · 4 years

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ok so heres an obligatory twc/detective oc infodump since i was up til 2am last night feverishly thinking abt Her

(tho um disclaimer i literally have just started so i know less than nothing abt anything lol)

her name is beatrice maddox ! but her friends/the whole town just calls her triss. hearing her full name just makes her feel like shes in trouble Unless its ava saying it and then shes 😳😳😳😳

shes bi ! aaaaand nobody is surprised in the slightest lmao ! she dated bobby and im ..... considering doing the n/a love triangle route tho i kno nothing abt it. definitely going to end up w ava tho bc i cannae resist

tattoos. EVERYWHERE. a couple are meaningful, but for the most part??? absolutely nonesensical 🥰 her tattoos were very carefully chosen to represent and Symbolize that she is Cool and Bisexual and Hot. thats it ✊

her personality is.... ok im not gonna try with the whole canon stats thing but she's very cheerful ! in a sort of Cool and casual and lighthearted way. maybe a little too lighthearted, almost as if it maybe.... it was a little forced 👀

shes a realist as opposed to an optimist/pessimist , but she tends have an ironic/lighthearted sense of humour that makes her seem a lot more silly than she is i guess? in truth, outside of like surface level warmth and extroversion for the sake of saving face, shes actually very reserved and awkward. i mean, she IS genuinely a very warm person, but theres a lot of darkness she tends to keep very deep inside herself, that virtually nobody has ever rly seen from her. shes the type of person who's GREAT at like, first impressions and having dozens and dozens of amicable aquaintances, but she rly struggles to form close friendships bc shes quite aloof and eccentric, sometimes says stuff that makes her sound callous, keeps a LOT of secrets and... hates opening up to ppl authentically lol! for reasons i'll get into!

she progressed thru her education and career stuff really quickly mostly due to being a gifted child ! obviously tho that means she also has gifted child syndrome lol. while she still excels professionally and on the surface she seems very functional and cheery and put together, her personal life has rly suffered bc of burnout and anxiety nd whatnot. emotionally shes not at the same place as others her age and shes just. very caught up inside her own head i guess and has a LOT of trouble relating to others, tho she's aquaintances/friendly with most everyone in the town. longterm relationships are VERY hard for her.

so. im already editing canon lol which is very on brand for me and it might not work idk !!!! but my lore for her rn is when she was a child, like 8 or 9, she um witnessed a murder/a body being discarded in the woods. it REALLY fucked her up.obviously. she was a kid and alone at the time and when she got home she was so ????????¿¿¿¿¿¿¿ abt it that she didnt tell her parents or let anybody know. at the time she still didnt rly understand what she saw, or at least didnt know how to handle situations like that bc literally Who would, but it still keeps her up at night, and shes still plagued by guilt and fear over it. the murder was never reported and nobody ever discovered anything, so sometimes she convinces herself that what she thinks she saw didnt actually happen ..... she rly doesnt know ! and it scared tf out of her !

that whole deal lead to her becoming uh quite morbid ! she was still a bright happy kid, but death sort of became like.... a n interest of hers, as well as criminals and finding out stuff. im still not sure if her focus is gonna be on detective work primarily or on science, ill maybe decide after my first playthru. anyway she never did anything that was like an actual red flag or anything xbxjsksms but she was just a Weird Girl growing up after that. she'd watch a LOT of true crime and read everything she could get her hands on and absolutely would have annoyed the shit out of all the detectives at the station.

speaking of annoying cops, shes also a reformed Rascal teenager. she was VERY rebellious as a kid, again mostly bc of Trauma, and was basically the loveable bane of wayhaven's existence for a good four years. again, she was mischievous but not in a malicious/dangerous way, but she definitely would have seen the inside of the station's jail cell a few times for like..idk. egging houses, graffiti, maybe weed idk ! just girly things! she ended up mellowing out soon afer highschool but shes still cool enough to have arm sleeve tattoos so u kno she still absolutely passes the vibe check

last point abt the murder but ! that event basically got repressed pretty quickly after it happened, she does not talk about it EVER, not to anybody. literally not a single person on earth knows what happened that day except her and the possibly-not-real-killer. and, while its sort of filed under the "Dont Consciously Think About This Ever" section of her brain, she obviously is haunted by it and has nightmares consistently, and its basically what inspired her to become a detective in the first place. bc its not so much about Seeing it that affected her so much as... not knowing who did it, not knowing what happened, and not being able to stop it. so much of her life after that was spent of Figuring Everything Out as like a coping mechanism, which obviously put a lot of pressure on her and strain on relationships, but it makes for great detectives lmao !

she is a hugely active person and needs constant mental simulation bc she genuinely hates quiet, and being left alone with her thoughts and memories. living alone sucks for her, so she usually has to play music as soon as she gets home, needs to go to sleep w music, needs to drive with music.... and driving is the worst. she sort of.... goes thru life feeling very ghostlike ! like shes living in a verh different world to everyone else. like shes waiting for something terrible to happen in every waking moment - its mostly practice that allows her to hide it with lightheartedness and jokes and deflective warmth, bc otherwise she'd go crazy !

i'll add more to this when i know more but if u read all of this i love you so much and you deserve a medal. im actually shocked im getting so into this already like i RLY didnt think i would

(ps her pinterest is a work in progress but it's here if anyones interested!)

#oc: triss #i love her so much already i love her so damn much #also i mentioned previously but her faceclaim in adelaide kane!!!!!#so like. bubbly but in a Hot way

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tunsieblue · 5 years

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5 years later

Well...it has almost been 5 years maybe give it a few months since I last spoke to you two but it has been exactly 5 years since my life went through hell and back both mentally and physically. I’m doing pretty well now thats for sure. I did move on and I’ll admit at first I was a very aggressive and bitter person with intense political views and the fact that I was going through all that during the election didnt help either. I even distanced myself from socializing with anyone for a while because of the situation, especially after being confronted, it made me feel like I’d endanger others. It took alot of courage for me to even meet new ppl and talk to them in dms. I met new mutuals, new friend groups, interests changed, moved onto the next group and repeat. Now I genuinely found a group I can call home. Hell I even found someone who finally understands me and we’ve definitely been together alot longer that I thought you two would last. Sorry for sounding cocky but honestly I wouldn’t have gotten to where I was if I didn’t learn from my mistakes and very bad ones at that. Ones that definitely dont get happy endings to ppl who usually pull stupid shit like I did. Can you imagine if we did what we did now with all the callout culture ppl enjoy gossiping about nowadays? Dude kids have gotten so cruel these days I genuinely think I would’ve successfully commited suicide if that happened. Doesn’t mean I didn’t attempt before I mean like I said before the situation affected me mentally and physically which was actually why I was at the hospital during those times. Turns out it was bad mental health and I became very underweight from it. Anyways point being I actually have planned to make this post for a few years now and It was basically to tell you both two things:

I’m sorry...and...you’re forgiven.

I know I said the first constantly to you guys and kept repeating the mistake not really acknowledging it but this is me knowing full and well what I did was the absolute worst and having full remorse for what I have done...I am genuinely and truly sorry for the harassment I have caused you. Whats kinda fucked up is that its been so long I don’t remember everything I said to you guys but I remember it affecting you both greatly. Nothing I can do can make it up to you guys so I am pouring my heart out with a sincere apology this time. I really do hope that the world is doing you both well. I don��t know ur current active accs obviously but sometimes I do wonder if you figured out who and where I am now. If you do know then...guess I didnt do a good job at changing pen names. If you dont know then whether or not you’re interested in picking up the clues is up to you. I mean I didn’t want to change accs but you guys kept sending me anon messages trying to get me to talk about the situation on my blog which was wrong but I do forgive you. You guys were angry and rightfully so but at the same time there were like other and better ways you could’ve handled it. As much as I want to delv into what you guys also did was wrong...thats for you guys to think about. I’m giving you my apologies for the disgusting shit I said and did and I’m going to also forgive you for the things you did whether or not you’re going to acknowledge what you did was wrong. The only advice I can give you that helped me grow as a person is admit when you’re wrong,learn from it, grow from it. Stop victim blaming and self deprecating yourself when things do go wrong. Grow a pair and move on. I know you guys might read this when you’re bored one day and decide to snoop so heres an update im living my best. Take care you two.

#the decade is about to end so i thought #why not #alot sure does happen in 5 yrs #my gf says hi

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klaus-is-the-real-number-1 · 6 years

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She’s Electric (Number 5 x reader)

54A/N: wowowow so im not smart at all so hopefully i pulled the whole fake smart act because im pure clueless :))) hope yas enjoy :)) still havent posted the playlist of all the songs because my spotify has my full name and am not that commited for ppl to find this soo. and i also went a bit off like i hope this is what you want lmao.:)) stay fresh. (ok so you have powers in this and its more like portal jumping rather than spatial jumping so you like create holes and jump down ? if that makes sense(also if anyone gets the date hmu))

ASK: jellyxfulll:hi could you please do one where the reader is really smart, likes coffee and sarcasm (legit a carbon copy of him) like five and when he meets them he’s absolutely smitten ? i have a lot in common with him anD i wAnt to bE loVed bY mY fiCtionAl chAracteR

Words: 2146

Black coffee steamed in it’s mug as it sat out in the open, wind swirling it in different patterns. The swirls of steam looked like it was dancing a tango, as if the beat it was dancing too kept getting faster and faster until a sudden stop and the steam disappears, signifying the end of a dramatic dance.

Black ink stained up the side of your hand as you furiously wrote away, you just couldn’t get the equation right and you couldn’t use your powers, not yet. You were on the run from the commission as they wanted to use you for your powers, it was a valuable asset, time travel and dimension jumping, the Handler said it could open a whole new market for them but once you refused they came after you.

You’d got the equation wrong while you were running and you got stuck, you got stuck somewhere, an abandoned world that hadn’t been looked after. Years and years passed with you stuck in the wasteland of a world until the Handler came back but you couldn’t say no otherwise you’d die alone with no chance of seeing your loved ones again. So you became a killer to survive, you kept to yourself. In that world it was kill or be killed.

After years of service you thought you had the equation, endless nights of black coffee and sleep deprivation you thought you’d got it right. All you wanted to do is go and see your family again but next thing you knew you were 16 years old again and stuck in some random dimension but it was a start. You had removed any form of tracker the Handler had on you back in 1854 after completing your last mission.

During your time in the small town you’d managed to get a small job to rent a tiny one bedroom apartment, it wasn’t the best but it would do for the time being, until you get the maths right.

You let out an exasperated sigh, slamming your pen down on your scribble ridden page. It was a bright but nippy day meaning you could sit outside in peace and be uninterrupted. Griddy’s was always quiet on week days, the perfect time to go for a black coffee and just go over everything that’s happened, it’s good to do that sometimes, just to think and remember.

Reaching for your coffee, you underestimated the distance between the mug and your hand resulting in the mug falling. You open a portal under it so it falls right into your hand and take a sip, placing it down gently in it’s original place.

“How did you do that?” A boy was suddenly next to you, an excitable expression present on his face. He looked about the same age as you, but he had a look in his eyes, like he’d seen some things.

“What do you mean?” You ask, pretending to be confused, taking another sip of your coffee. You watched as he pulled the seat opposite to you out and sat down crossing his arms and legs simultaneously. He looked at you with a slight smirk.

“You’re y/n, aren’t you?” He leant back in his chair, scanning you up and down. “I’ve heard so much about you.” His eyes could tell 1000 stories but you could tell that he had no one to tell, no one would understand.

“huh, interesting, I’m not going to lie to you, I don’t really know who you are.” You say matching his movements but making sure you can have easy access to some form of weapon of he attacks. For all you knew he could be part if the commission finally catching up to you.

“I’m Five, ex-commission.” You narrow your eyes at him as he sticks his hand out, you take a glance at his hand. You reach out but just before you meet his hand you grab the handle of your mug, bringing it to your lips. Fives hand drops and he lets out a breathy laugh, crossing his arms again.

“I would introduce myself but you seem to already know who I am so I guess there’s no need.” You give him a sickly sweet smile before taking another sip. You had heard a little bit about Five, he had a similar story to you,stuck in an apocalypse, ran away from the Commission to see his family and tried (and succeeded) to stop the apocalypse.

Five couldn’t believe his eyes when he first saw what you did with the mug, there was only one person who he had heard that could do that, y/n. Five had heard rumours upon rumours about y/n, an example of some is that she was the most deadly killer the commission had ever seen and the prettiest person the universe had ever seen, and Five couldn’t agree more. He couldn’t imagine you ever killing anybody, your hair loosely hung with strands tucked behind your ear. Five took in your soft features, the warmth of your eyes and the freckles that littered all over your face and arms, presumably from the years in the apocalypse.

“It’s rude to stare.” You tell Five, not even looking up from your writings. Out of the corner of your eye you see him shift uncomfortably, averting his eyes. “Listen, I don’t know why you’re still here but if you’re lying about being ex-commission and are here to try and kill me I think you should reconsider your options because we both know who will make it out alive.”

“I’m not lying about being ex-commission, I know what it’s like and I think I can help you with getting back.” Locking eyes with Five, you saw the sincerity in his eyes. He held out his hand, you think about the worst possible outcomes from this situation, you take his hand.

You had never travelled the way Five normally does, you just were not used to it. As soon you reached the desired destination your knees gave out and a wave of nausea washed over you. A retching sound made it’s way out of your body as you cover your mouth with shaking hands, as if that would stop you from being sick.

“How the fuck do you travel like that?” You almost shout at Five, staring at him from the floor, you didn’t even know where you were, you didn’t care. Another wave came over you again along with a banging headache. The one thing that you were grateful for in the Commission is that they let you travel how you wanted, the first time you had used a briefcase you could’t stop shaking and being sick which wasn’t the most efficient if you needed to complete a mission.

With a flash of blue Five was holding a glass of water crouched down next to you. “Here take this.” He held the glass closer to you.

“How is making me sick going to help me get home?” You say cautiously taking the glass from his hand. You sit up straight and try to take a deep breath in.

“Just show me your equations, I’ll see what I can do.”

Days turned into weeks, then weeks into months. The more time you spent with Five the more you began to forget about the equation. Truth be told, you got the right equation about 3 weeks into working on it with Five. After years of being alone you liked spending all this time with Five, you were both equally as emotionally deprived as each other, both in need of a friend who you could relate to.

Feelings for Five was also a newly developed emotion, the more time you spent with him the stronger these feelings got and all of his family could tell. You had met the Hargreeves on many occasions, often getting comments about how much you had made him come out of his shell since he stopped the apocalypse. But it’s not like you wouldn’t do couply things, if that was even a word, you would hold hands, cuddle and exchange compliments back and forth all the time. It was done so casually, as if you both didn’t know what to do with your feelings.

You were currently laid down with your head in Fives lap as he absentmindedly ran his fingers through your hair, occasionally twirling stands in his fingers. It was a summers day, natural light streamed through the open window, giving the room a natural glow.

“y/n,” He lightly taps your nose. “You’re really pretty.”

You smile, leaning into his touch. You knew you had to tell him at some point, about the equation, you just didn’t know how. Sighing, you sat up and faced Five, you noticed in the past months how his features had softened from the hard, brooding looks he used to give.

“Five, I’ve found the equation.”

“What?”

“I’ve found the equation.” You repeat with more force. “But I’m torn, I don’t know what to do.” You searched his face, trying to read the emotion. “I miss my family so much. But I don’t want to leave here, you’ve shown me theres so much in this timeline.” His face dropped.

Five didn’t want to sound selfish but he didn’t want you to leave, the past few months had been the best time of his life, he’d found someone who understands him. Y/N never questioned his coping mechanisms, you had actually made him accept his own past and move on with his life. He doesn’t know what he’d do without you. Five eyes began to sting, he felt a wave of sadness but also anger, he felt himself getting warm, an uncontrollable range swept over, consuming any other emotion that was in it’s way.

“How long have you had it for.” Five had a quite voice, not looking you in the eyes.

“A few months.” You watch as Fives fist clenched. “Five I-” But he had cut you off.

“So you’ve just been leading me on.” Five eyes met yours. They weren’t the soft, welcoming eyes you had come to love, they were cold, hard and shut off, the only emotion you could see in his eyes was anger.

“What no, why would you-”

“Maybe you should just leave.” Your chest sank, Five let you go from his grip and stood up. He looked like the killer you had only heard about mere months ago, he didn’t look like your Five anymore. “Just go, y/n.”

So you did, no arguments, no questioning, you had gone. As soon as you left the room Five caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror but the reflection wasn’t him, it was the killer that he thought he’d left in the Commission, he was his clenched fists and cold eyes. He couldn’t believe he spoke to y/n like that, looking like this.

“Y/N!” He called out, he was in a cold panic. He kept calling your name out, traveling to your work, your house, all your favourite places but you weren’t there. Five had been told that you handed in your resignation at work and your flat was cleared, you had gone home.

Five didn’t know what to do with himself since you had left, he was constantly thinking about the what ifs, what if he acted differently, what if he didn’t snap. You had been gone from Fives timeline for almost a year, he didn’t have much to remember you by other than one picture that he had on his bed side table. The picture was taken by Allison of the two of you, you had both fallen asleep on the sofa downstairs, you looked so peaceful together as Five held you in his arms.

He fell in love with you in the time he had met you, the complexity of love confused him but he wanted to figure it out with you. He loved the way you talked, how you carried yourself, your smarts, your personality, everything. It was a cold night and Five wasn’t able to sleep, he just laid there staring at the ceiling. There was a strange noise, a noise he knew well, y/n.

“Hey Five.” You were breathless, it had taken you so long to find the right equation for the frequency of Fives timeline, to see him again.

Five couldn’t believe his eyes, you were really there. Without a second thought Five leapt out of his bed and crashed his lips to yours, he pulled away and tightly wrapped his arms around your frame.

“I’m so sorry y/n. I’ve missed you so much.” You couldn’t agree more, leaving was an impulse moment of anger, there was a gap in your heart that only Five could fill. “y/n, I love you so much.” He held your hands, his eyes were soft again, filled with love.

“I love you too.”

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alwaysabeautifullife · 5 years

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Hi, i need some unbiased relationship advice. I have a friend i havnt talked to ina while(havnt been rlly close but friend nonetheless) & my bf wants to talk to him first because of bad past stuff and he dsnt rlly trust ppl. But friend would rather talk to me privately first but that’d make bf uncomfortable. And i dnt like that i basically gotta get his permission first to even catch up with friend. (Bf is also long-distance/online). And im at a loss, dnt know if this is a red flag, ect.

In my opinion I do consider it a red flag for any type of controlling behavior, especially one that may isolate someone from friends and family. Lots of people experience bits of jealousy or fear, but in healthy relationships couples should be able to communicate these fears and work through them, not disable someone from daily normal communication with friends and family.

If your bf fear comes from you forming a (intimate/romantic) relationship with this person I would consider this an unhealthy fear and he’s responsible for working through this fear with your help without preventing you from normal life activities. While long distance makes trust sometimes difficult, a relationship without trust is miserable and isolating (and often dangerous). You also cannot force a person to be romantically/intimately faithful, it’s a choice of that person, and the consequences of breaking that fidelity is termination of the relationship. This is scary for lots of people because most people (tbh when we are young especially or have experienced pain frequently) have a constant fear of pain and suffering (broken heart), and will go out of the way to prevent from every feeling this way, even if it means controlling their relationships in a very unhealthy and inappropriate way. A person must accept the possibility that there could be pain or suffering from the beginning of any relationship, in order to love that person freely and them be loved freely in return. People are not puppets, they are simply people.

I think the worst part if I’m reading this correctly is your bf is carrying over past relationship issues (his bad past stuff and trust issues) into the relationship with you. This is deeply unhealthy. It’s not good to say (as an example) “well I don’t want you to talk to guys because in my past relationship my ex cheated on me with a friend.” All past relationships while they may be learning experiences are never to be dragged into the context of current relationships. This is also setting up the relationship for an absolute fail, because one person already has a mental checklist of everything that will make the relationship fail (checking off things like talking to male friends).

Even if your boyfriend doesn’t trust other people (which frankly should be his problem, not yours) he should trust you. He should trust that if you are put into a situation you can absolutely take care of it yourself. As an example, if you speak to a male friend and that friend confesses feelings for you, your boyfriend should trust that you can take care of the situation yourself appropriately without interfering. A simple “I’m in a committed relationship right now, maybe it’s best we take a temporary break from our friendship to “cool off” our feelings.” In that example you may have to decide for yourself your boundaries that would be important to maintain like maybe not be with that person alone while drinking as an example but once again these are choices and responsibilities that are yours alone and your boyfriend should have the ability to trust you to take care of all these situations if they were to happen.

You need to be very careful about any person in your life who wants you to change normal life behavior to avoid upsetting them. Having friends of various genders is normal. Just be sure to always use boundaries in all relationships, including romantic ones, including the relationship with your boyfriend. Draw the line at controlling behavior and offer to help him work through his emotions if you would like.

On a personal note (I’m adding this so you can see a more healthy perspective), my best friend is actually a male. I believe this friend genuinely cares for me and my well being, which would include caring for my family and relationships. This friend would never do anything to harm my relationship between my husband and myself. This friend knows my husband is my #1 priority, we’ve been friends for 6+? (Has it been more?) years, and I would consider him a lifetime friend/family. My husband does not require that he speak to him or be as good of friends with him, read through our messages, monitor us or our convos, or anything like that. Although I would agree it’s unusual, I really don’t care about people’s opinions on it, since it has zero negative affect on my husband and my marriage because my husband knows that no matter what I can absolutely handle any situation on my own and prioritize my family and him.

Like all relationships in the world, my husband and I have had lots of concerns with jealousy and trust, and in the end, we both have discovered that in order to fully love, we have no choice but to trust each other. I do not let my fears ruin my relationship. I firmly believe that his choices are his choices, and they have consequences (as do mine). He is capable of determining relationships that are appropriate or not, and drawing his own lines and boundaries. Me being paranoid or controlling will never prevent someone from choosing to do something that may hurt me, ever. That’s on them-as difficult as it is to put my emotions and my heart (and life) into the hands of someone else, I’m not going to control or be controlled by fear, I love fully and expect that in return.

When I was very young I would have considered myself a severely controlling (to the point of emotional abuse) type of person (as a teen). Those fears were my own, and over time I worked through them, and now I have absolutely zero “jealousy” or fear. It’s a waste of time. I’m gonna love my husband and my family and if he were to choose to cheat I’d be “bye babee ✌️”-me being paranoid and controlling wouldn’t prevent his choice, just make us both miserable on the daily.

#trust #relationships #boundaries

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tellywoodtrash · 5 years

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khkt 31.08.19 lb

disclaimer: i quite dislike mahaepisodes. they're too long and stuffed with the drama of like 4 normal episodes, and thus are absolutely exhausting for me to watch at a go. i like my desi show episodes 22 minutes tops, thanks. so i'm kinda grumpy even before starting this.

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sona it's nice of you to pay for the day for gita and all, but i still don't get how you just sent a person working on the show to some random house to go do decor there....

oh boy. mhatre murdered his sweet wife. god, i had hoped he'd never darken our doorway again.

so nethra just came in here with this terrible news for some "i told you so"-ing? kinda disturbing.

you know when someone's like "best part hai ki tumhara koi lena dena nahi hai........" that it's going to have hella lotsa lena dena with the person here.

lol nethra is a little too optimistic about the law and order in our country, no?

these police officers are not as imposing as they think they are.

i just realised that this is a fake book. coz first off, 10th standard has just one combined textbook for all the three sciences. secondly, majaaal hai jo ncert textbooks are this glossy and attractive and spur students to have even the sliiiiiiiiiightest urge to study from them. #cbseSurvivor #dontAsk #stillNotOverTheTrauma

dr. surgeon approves of efforts put in. dude, don't you know highlighting is the easiest way to waste time and make it look like you're studying when you’re not??? god he must have been one of those sach mein padhaai karne waala types.

DOST/DOCTOR/FAKE BOYFRIEND CAN IDENTIFY BAD MOOD. ASKSJADLAKS HONESTLY ROHIT.

lmaooooooooooo yeah right, mr. death is just a flat line to me. ek patient coma mein chali gayi and you can't handle it, baaaat karte ho.

OK YOU'RE TAKING YOUR FAKE BOYFRIEND DUTIES A LITTLE TOO SRSLY, MATE. THIS IS SOME REAL BOYFRIEND SHIT.

yaaaaaaaaaas, she asked him about raima. and he has some nonsense gyaan that he doesn't really believe. sir, you are simply having a good couple of days coz you're suppressing your real issues with this drama. please go to a real therapist, work on your issues, and genuinely move the fuck on.

her jamaofying rob on him. tooooooooo cute. i love it.

sona musing about what state their relationship will be in when they finish this drama and if they'll still be as close has me so surprised. she has the most sorted head on her shoulders i have ever seen on a character in tellywood. i keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, but she keeps pleasantly surprising me!!!!!!!!

idhar the sippy matriarchs are hellbent on acquiring sonakshi as bahu. whether she or rohit want it or not.

omfg. this one's screaming. we had a good few weeks without it and i'd forgotten how unpleasant it was.

this twit just wants the gossip on what sona di did ~this time~. god.

akash toh idhar bhi aa dhamka to snoop on decor. uncle, aapko aaj kal kaam pe nahi jaana kya?

at least he seems to like sona, which.... small mercies.

ughhhhhhhhhhh pariiiiiiii i hate you. you're such a troublemaker. also i know you're just using this as an excuse to call rohan. ugh ugh ugh UGH.

poor tanya. i feel such rage on her behalf, i swear to god.

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THESE THREE ARE THE WORST. NOTHING GOOD COMES OF IT WHEN THEY COMBINE THEIR AWFULNESS.

lmaooooooooooooooooooooo rohan's lameass line didn't work on pari. i love it.

oh my god, i hate pari so much.

ok kuch zyaaaaaaada hi buildup.

still can't take this paplu-taplu cop duo seriously.

also this guy’s shoddy pagdi is annoying me. there was literally no need to make him a sikh if you ppl couldn’t do it right.

hahahahahahaha.

oh god ishqbaaaz trauma coming back. *clutches chest*

arre waah, nishi ko "tacky serial actress" ka decor pasand aa gaya?

lol ajit ko idhar kahin pe khada kar do. he's already in the floral theme.

i agree with rohit. it's all too fucking much.

wow nishi defending it to rohit!

i hope this level-headedness of hers comes up again in other situations re: sona too.

i mean, i don't love the look (i like her in simpler stuff like what she did for teejri, than so done up) but i am fully here for rohit's reaction!

haaye what a confidence boost!

snort.

vimmi ke liye toh tyohaar sonakshi ka bday hoga. (guess rohit will join in too from this year....)

lmao rohit pushing pesky little brother away, and him springing right back.

i honestly love ajit the most. cutest little bean ever.

"vimmiji, aapne agar ek baar aur PARVATIJI kaha, toh main aapko PARVATIJI ke yaahan kaam karne bhej doonga."

oh god, sona singing the shirali tune of everyone getting coordinated outfits and theme and all.

"real life mein log kapde repeat kar sakte hain!" and yet, we rarely see YOU in the same outfit more than once?

"jaisa hai tumhara hai." uh no thnx, apna defective maal iske matthe daalne ki koshish mat karo!

god i love these two together.

yeh kya bakwaas music hai????

ma'am, he's a doctor. who cuts into ppl. he needs to look..... not insane. can't have him looking like he's dressed by shirali.

ohhhhhhhhh boy.

he likes this music? really?

good. lord.

OH GOD I AM DYING OF MICHMICHIIIIIIII. OPEN YOUR DAMN EYES IDIOTSSSSSSS.

lmaoooooo, why is he covering his chest?!?!?!?!!

also, don’t think i didn’t see you sneak a look at the goods, sona. i mean, good for you, at least you know what you gotta work with.

nice legs, rohit.

arre sona, khareedne se pehle packaging kholke dekhna kitno ke naseeb mein hota hai? in your own words, “appreciate karne ke bajay kitkit kar rahe ho”????

"AUR KOI TOH NAHI HAI KAMRE MEIN?????" lmaooooooo

oh god.

hein? this ain't no coordinated colours? everyone wearing kuch bhi. there's no match between decor, outfits, each other.... god it's like i'm tripping on acid.

lol aa gaya na line pe.

but also, i'd make this face at pehla waala nazaara. but i realize sab meri tarah awwal number ke tharki nahi hai.

same, mom, same.

..... what is the point of akash's character, really???

fuckerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

oh god. naach gaana. oh lordddddd. like a michmichi punch to my gut.

nononononononono, fwding.

cute.

look at this one basking, all smiley. YOU BEST NOT LET THIS GIRL GO, ROHIT, I SWEAR TO GOD.

OH THANK GOD IMAGINATION THA. PHEWWWWWWW.

i ship this sismance.

panditji se kyun pooch rahe ho? as if his opinion is the one you want rn.

6/10. snort. pehle toh 10/10 tha (esp. without the clothes) but this akad got you -4.

oh boy, who this loud punjabi woman?

lmao i fully relate with nishi.

yeah, nishi's phadda with her is justified.

abbe oh tum dono ke mooh mein dahi jam gayi hai kya? you gonna let her talk to nishi like that??? YK? PUT YO MOM ON A LEASH PLS.

yeah, nishi is 100% right. fuck this saas.

uh hi naren, you're the worst and seem to know nothing about women. this is why your son hates you.

oh boy, more naach gaana. whyyyyyyyyyy????????

lol sona underestimating sippy boys ka dance. sis you just saw one of them. maybe the others are good?

"bedroom mein toh mera dance dekh ke bohut mazza aaya tha....." ASKLDJFDSLKFJLDSKFJLDSKJFLKSDFJ

ROHIT MAY I REMIND YOU, YOU ARE PRETENDING!!!!!!!!! YOU REALLY NEED TO FUCKING STOP.

ohohohohoho challenge.

yk is like FUCK YEAH MY TIME HAS COME, MERE ANDAR KE KALAKAAAAAR KO MAUKA MIL RAHA HAI!!!!!!

abbbbbbe yaaaaaaaar, achche mood ka sayanaaaash karne yeh bhi aa gayi.

after that medical nonsense, i almost welcome the naach gaana.

also sona, there's exactly one doctor sippy boy here. you shoulda been more careful when issuing challenge. marketing types don't give a fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. builders and chefs toh are almost certainly on drugs.

yeah cute and all, but i'm fwding.

awwwwwwwwww yisssssssssssssssssssssss.

oh god, a perfect storm in a teacup situation brewing.

fuckkkkkkkkkk, look at them look at each other with those heart eyes.

ouff too much drama. this why i don't like mahaepisodes.

great. rohit getting called away to attend to raima. NOT GOOD NOT GOOD NOT GOOOOOOOD.

oh godddddddd, let her go, abhi ke abhi haar chadhaana hai aap logon ko???? rohit's not even here!!!

nishi's face. poor thing. this is not her evening.

yk's mom has her nazar on it. pls stay in your lane, aunty.

ok that's huge and tacky and what outfits will it even go with.

yeah i'd be quite hairaan-pareshaan too, if saddled with this monstrosity.

"CRITI HOME" lol what a dumb name.

there is more than just one person in the world in a coma, rohit.

OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHITTTTTTTTTT.

nishi's evening is finally looking up. she needed this win, and frankly, i'm kinda glad she got it.

no no no no don't go to see the patient now, there's a critical case at home, go handle thaaaat.

oh god, yelling yelling, so much yelling.

ajit in the bg having oh shit oh shit oh shittttttt moment.

THANK GOD. THAAAAAAAANK GOD.

behen ab toh tu uth hi jaa.

pls god stop yelling. i can't take this shit.

this nishi's saas is also one hungry-for-drama types.

oh no. this is not good.

oh goddddddddddddddddd, suman pls.

lmao nishi.

bless tanya and pooja who look so upset.

and then there's this idiot, jiske thopde pe tharak ke alaava koi expression nahi aata.

oh daaaaaaaaaaaamn, suman rastogi, you are way more masterful than you look.

i'm back to feeling really bad for nishi again. poori family ke saamne bhaanda phod diya.

but also, do i see a little bit of respect in her eyes for suman and the way she played it?????

lol standard desi mom "tu ghar toh chal" warning.

oh god pair choone waala drama mat karo pls.

sigh. poor nishi.

itni jaldi waapas pohunch gaya? aaj nahi hai mumbai ki sadko pe traffic????

oh god shaadi tak baat pohunch gayi hai.

never been this glad to see the police appear.

ok cannot handle thisssssssssss level of drama with the music and closeups. it's grating on my nerves. i’ll need to sleep all of tomorrow to handle this exhaustion.

———————————————————————

kasme vaade toh bade kar rahe ho, but let's see how they hold up after raima wakes up.

oooooooooh i am very interested in this new dynamic!

oh thank god, rohit finally finds out about mhatre. i hope he'll tell nishi and she'll come over on to #teamSona

#kahaan hum kahaan tum #khkt lbs #episode liveblogs

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dehvilsgf-blog · 5 years

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omg im late again r we surprised ??? absolutely not but yeehaw it’s baby again here’s my tiny angry lil gf who deserves better !!!! plot w/ me or i’ll bully u until u do !!! pls read all the trigger warnings bc this one is rlly wild & violent & sad

( song yuqi, cisfemale, she/her, 20. ) — FAYE HUANG, better known to the media as SIREN has been working for the yōkai for around TWO YEARS. rumor has it, she can be ENDEARING & DEVOTED but also CUTTHROAT & BRATTY which is why she makes the perfect CROWD CONTROL. ( baby, she/her, 19, mst. )

trigger warnings: death, implied murder, implied sexual assault (with an age difference), drugs, cheating, violence, blood, daddy & mommy issues

BACKSTORY.

faye was born into a nuclear family esque situation. a dad, a mom, a brother, a dog & herself. her dad was ceo of an entertainment company & was the product of a rags to riches coming to america story. her mom was yr typical xanax addicted trophy wife who was never sober to avoid smelling other women’s perfume on her husband.

her brother and her dog were the only “normal” people in her life. she loved her older brother more than anything else in the world. he was the only person who saw faye as a human being instead of daddy’s little trophy daughter.

she was expected to be the best at absolutely everything. her grades were perfect, she can play several instruments and speak multiple languages fluently. she’s excellent at small talk and sitting still and looking pretty instead of being heard. she was captain of her cheer team and president of the student body in high school. she was srsly pitch perfect in every way imaginable.

her dad cheating on his wife and being verbally abusive and emotionally dismissive of his daughter was hollywood’s worst kept secret. everyone knew what went on behind closed doors but nobody said anything.

tw sexual assault most of her dad’s clients took an inappropriate interest in her and her older brother was quick to catch onto this after an unfortunate experience at a party where a barely sober faye was being taken advantage of.

after bating the living shit out of that guy, faye’s brother taught her basic self defense. and it was a great outlet for her. she had so many years of acting perfect and pretty and hiding behind a mask that it felt good to be assertive and have control over Some aspects of her life

her brother was her best friend and the only person she loved and trusted wholeheartedly which is why his death took such a hard toll on her

one night her father had been absolutely shitfaced and was ripping faye a new one. he couldn’t stop yelling about how a daughter was his greatest disgrace and how her everything would never be enough to appease him

so she took off in the middle of the night and her brother was right on her tail because he was terrified if something bad happened to her esp after what happened last time he left her alone.

they had run into a trio of men who were sleazy and armed and one punch led to another led to a gun being shot in the middle of the chaos. which led to anguished cries for help, shaky hands dialing 911, an ambulance arriving seconds too late, blood stained clothes, and little faye all alone again.

instead of grieving like normal parents, her father turned it into a media frenzy. politicians turned it into a campaign. money was made by dragging a dead boy and parading him around like a fucked up jackpot of sorts.

faye went on a vigilante quest of sorts and “handled” the trio that took away her only source of happiness. it’s what earned her a reputation via the crime related world. so pretty, so violent.

omg thats all i have i had to write a paper like 2 minutes ago

PERSONALITY.

loyal 2 the point where she will die for the ppl she cares abt

she has this like ,,,, fucked up complex where she feels like she has 2 listen 2 older men bc of her dad ,,, its not hard to make her submissive and manipulate her bc shes kind of been conditioned 4 it

so good at faking interest and acting pretty

smart but plays dumb a lot fhakjhfkj she’s every fucked up female habit ever

HEADCANNONS.

has an obsession w/ slushies

jst bought a pet bunny & hasnt named it yet but she spoils it sm

has money 2 burn omg she spends it like crazy her bunny has like ,,,, a gucci custom made bed

dresses up 4 everything omg wont leave her room unless shes wearing smthn cute

has beat almost everyone at yokai @ arm wrestling

fights smart, not strong

cute but creepy but pretty but so Mordbi we unstan

cries when she breaks acrylics or rips clothes while fighting and will kill u if u pick on her for it

did i mention shes small omg

everyones sugar mommy she has So Much money she’ll buy u wtever u want

a Brat

#heists:intro #if u r uncomfy w/ any of the triggers i can give u a like #sparksnote holy edition of the story

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iphgenias · 6 years

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❧ you say wicked like it’s something bad, but you still can’t help but watch me do it ❧

❝ I dream nights and girls like tigers, claws and teeth on both. ❞ LULU ANTARIKSA? No, that’s actually IPHIGENIA ‘GENIE’ ROWLE. A SEVENTH YEAR student, this SLYTHERIN student is sided with THE DEATH EATERS. SHE identifies as CIS WOMAN and is a PURE BLOOD who is known to be PETTY, VINDICTIVE, and UNSCRUPULOUS but also VIVACIOUS, CREATIVE, and PERCEPTIVE. { JANE, TWENTY TWO, NZT, SHE/HER }

here comes the demon

meet genie rowle, daughter of cadfael rowle and deianeira urquhart

in greek mythology, iphigenia is the daughter agamemnon offers in sacrifice —- this iphigenia has no intention of being anyone’s sacrifice, but she’s not opposed to the idea of anyone sacrificing themselves for her

the urquharts have like... this thing of naming themselves after greek mythological figures, but like, exclusively ones with a tragic ending

which.... ya they don’t unpack that fdshjksahj

an actual conversation cadfael & deianeira probably had abt naming genie: cadfael: how about ariadne— deianeira: too happy of an ending cadfael: she got left behind on an island by the man she betrayed her family for deianeira: what’s your point

anyway the rowles go for Welsh™ names usually but cadfael’s whole generation sorta just went fuck that and took other naming traditions, resulting in lo and wes having largely normal names, and then genie’s branch deciding to take her mother’s naming traditions (weird as they may be) & also there’s another branch that married a cornish pureblood and went exclusively w hectic cornish names

probably an only child, though it’s possible genie’s mother is her father’s second wife, and there could be an older half brother (would probably need to be younger than lo, though, who’s 24, and definitely younger than wes, 26) running around, but he’d need to be #Committed to the DE life —- we already have one rowle risking it all as a double agent, and this family (esp genie’s branch) is Too Extra™ to have multiple

genie is spoilt, petty, vindictive and has... pretty much no moral qualms. she’s generous, though, with her friends, and fiercely loyal to her family.

when she was younger, she had a... rebellious streak might be too generous a term, because no part of her ever felt any inclination to contend with her privileged position, but there was a certain freedom to her position in the family, the youngest of the cousins and a girl —- whereas all eyes were on wes, the heir, the truth, genie was allowed to run a little more wild. nothing not befitting a rowle, of course, for that would not do, but she had more freedom to act as she pleased, to say whatever she liked, to keep her running muttered commentary going during the galas, to suggest wicked plots for her own amusement. genie rowle was always unconcerned with what was fair or right, but she was fun and clever and wicked funny, and was willing to put all her devilish tactics to the good use of entertaining a friend when the fancy took her. children are often vaguely terrible, and these privileged purebloods more than most —- genie was far from an exception, and when she was your friend, she was easy to love for it

hogwarts, though, that’s where the naughtiness thrives

slytherin through and through —- not necessarily a bad thing, but on genie, this looks like the worst thing

most frequently can be found alongside gemma gamp ( g&g! ), her partner in crime, and the rest of the mean girl gang: odilia travers, sarah’s-tbd, maddison bulstrode & leonie-tbd. also often fucking around w people

bullying tw // luvs psychological warfare and the ‘hot & cold’ method, which is what she uses against ppl like isa weasley: flusters her w her presence and prettiness & then calls her by the wrong name and says undermining things to first turn her on and then remind her how meaningless she is! ( viv vc: fuck OFF leave isa ALONE // james vc: ??? constantly amazed by how wrong some ppl are // katya vc: ah, bullying. something new and exciting from my dormmates ) // end tw

but also just. is mean. hot n cold is one fun way 4 her to garner entertainment from ppl but rly, whatever takes her fancy is how she’ll go for it

usually it’s just for fun bc she gets a kick out of it but! she’s coming 4 u annie delacour-bardon for thinking u can move in on gemma’s territory! who cares��if gemma didn’t want scor anymore, obvs nobody else could have him either

also she’s part of the DEs, so her various talents are available for their use —- while she is not a leader, she’s part of the same crew as all the current leaders, which suits her perfectly, tbh? she doesn’t want to be a leader... but she does love the clout that comes with being close to them & also using her position to push people to do things to ‘prove themselves’ without them rly having a chance to push her back (ofc, they’re welcome to —- it’s just a) easy for her to prove herself bc like... she doesn’t care abt the well-being of some mudbloods lol and b) given that she’s so tight with the leaders, pushing her to ‘prove herself’ in response to her suggesting you ought to is more likely to cast aspersions on your trustworthiness than hers)

just like wes, prefers getting other people to do her dirty work for her... she’ll do all the psychological stuff and bullying for sure, but she’s less inclined towards physical violence or anything or the like —- that’s more odilia’s or sarah-tbd’s domain? also even just minor things, she likes getting other people to do things for her, it’s a power thing (not her girls — well, maybe maddison — but like... weaker people DFJHSJH)

anyway she’s the fucking worst

the mean girls r demons!

death tw // the rowles are pretty hardcore —- wes and lo are (currently unbeknownst to wes) locked in a war that. well wes is a DE and lo is doublecrossing the DEs so! anyway either lo survives the war w/o being found out or wes is gonna organise her murder when he finds out and he’ll do it by playing the long game, pretending to her face that they’re still fine, all the while plotting her death. SO. that’s one half of genie’s fam! // end tw

the other half are the urquharts, who’re known for obtaining objects for the underground market, particularly historical wixen artefacts. traditionally, the eldest male has been the ‘face’ of the family, being respectable in public and also being the one who handles transactions and makes deals and sells off their findings or obtains requests for them. either a secondary branch or a younger sibling has traditionally been the head of expeditions, sent all around the world to uncover these things for this illegal trade. crime & curse breaking, therefore, have always run in the family.

her uncle, orpheus urquhart, was recently violently attacked (he’s a DE supporter/benefactor in terms of bankrolling things so like.... he’s gross!) & catch her in the lockdown being both outraged ppl would have the audacity to attack him and have room in her naughty self to be absolutely awful to poor yuri

she’s pan w/ a pref for girls, but rly anything goes. uses sex and associated affections for two main purposes, enjoyment & manipulation

nsfw // genie vc: my pussy is a power move // end nsfw

i imagine she primarily considers the mean girls her friends now, but certainly when she was younger, going back to that paragraph i wrote above, there’s like... more room for camaraderie? like w charles, they were friends when they were younger and now... both slythersevenths but she’s a demon! so there’s room for that kind of thing, and also ya sexual situations, and genie is always down to have fucked w someone, which could absolutely be emotionally —- she’s definitely the type to use sympathy/affection/gestures associated w humanity to like... manipulate people

just. the worst

no wonder violet wants to punch her

tragically is the safest / has best chance of survvial & well-being of all my characters, which is so cursed

calls al potter “daddy” bc obvs she doesn’t consider him a viable sexual prospect ( genie vc: he acts like a 90yo man and isn’t even as rich as one??? pass, so boring ) but it makes him way more uncomfortable than it bothers her to think of him as a sexual prospect, so! prime time 4 her

she’s basically awful to everyone the rest of my characters love w their whole hearts, and then she only cares abt the ones they don’t like

she does have this like... not caring exactly but for people like charles, who was her friend once, and the other slythersevenths she considers part of their crowd (esp seeing as the girls hung out w the slytherin sports boys before gemma/scor broke up), there’s a sense of almost. possessiveness? like, she’s not nice to them, but they’re largely hers to fuck with... so watch her be a total demon to vi when varlie happens

anyway i have to be up in 6 hrs so! this will have 2 be enough, sorry abt her, she’s a demon, but i hope she can be helpful 4 plots alongside her other demon besties

#iidyintro #finally!!!!!#also LMAO this is actually new but i'll repost or rb my other ones later

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zenosanalytic · 5 years

Text

4/20/19 HSE 8

Ok back at it

MEAT 15

Cool Fight; Not terribly surprising.

MEAT 16

Dirk’s as much Rose’s father as Rose is his Mother. I guess maybe it’s more convenient, psychologically, to choose a causative direction and stick with it, rather than accept the Mobial nature of their genesis, but for some reason it bugs me this keeps getting overlooked.

Dirk’s over here talking about how right he is all the time and I dont think he was ever right about anything even once in canon(aside from certain aspects of his talk with Dave, and choosing not to kill Hal) XD The only “plan” of his to work was the one re: entering the Session, and 1)he outsourced it to Hal and 2)it only worked because he managed to improvise his way through every aspect of it failing to go the way he thought it would, and even that probably had more to do with their entry being part of HiC’s plan to use them, so she wasn’t trying to wipe them.

Another Thing: I dont think the Ascent Differential is Aspect so much as Personality.

Another Another Thing: That Rose, when discussing her life-long fear of knowledge as a corrupting and ruining outside force(this being a person who always felt her mother wasn’t her mother, in some sense, and responded to that fear by rejecting emotional intimacy with said mother), doesnt see the connection between that life-long fear and her fear that Ascending will be bad, damaging, and corrupting, is Notable. Perspective continues to be important, and lack of self-awareness continues to hamstring ppl in this narrative.

MEAT 17

I feel like this new narrative belligerence on Dirk’s part isn’t going to work out too well for him with a person as aware and recalcitrant to narrative meddling as John. It’s going to be John and WV all over again. This is also a wonderful example of how personal flaw and specificity isn’t solved by Godhood in HS, and can really trip you up; basically all of this, including the “impotence” applies to Dirk, too, when others disagree with the direction he’s trying to push them in, and this whole rant may be meant, ironically, as an example of dramatic irony: basically, that Dirk’s rant about total control and knowledge reveals the limits of his knowledge and will be followed by examples of how limited his control is, which he can’t be aware of, but which the “impotent” audience will.

MEAT 18

...And, almost immediately, John’s objecting to the narration and doing things before Dirk “writes” him doing them(the sigh).

MEAT 19

“So yeah, I’m gonna allow it” Notice how he asserts power over situations he does not, in fact, have power over.

Which is kind of an interesting dynamic to bring up in the context of authorship? I mean: in the realm of nonfictional works an author can’t “make” things happen, only alter for their audience what DID happen. In some respect this is being written as equivalent to that dynamic; the simple admission in M17 that Dirk is misrepresenting events also admits those events happened another way than he’d prefer, meaning it’s also an admission of his lack of power over actual events. And, of course, all the other things I’ve been talking about, and the fact that everyone’s “character” is rooted in natures established in the original work. But in a fictional work an author’s creative power is absolute, and this is a fictional work; though I suppose a derivative or transformational one, which accounts for the shortfall. Another interesting aspect of this is that the “Author” is presented as a Narrator; Narrators merely describe what happened, they don’t create it. I was going somewhere more concrete with this but it popped out of my head >:T >:T

Ok so other aspects of this: I agree that Jane’s been established as a pretty ambitious person, but she was also always a pretty moral person and the way she’s going about this so far doesn’t seem to be in keeping with that part of herself. And also: she literally wants to create shortages, and thus the suffering shortages will cause, for... what? Nostalgia? Because she think she can run Capitalism better than the adults from before all this?? Because Hierarchy is Neat??? Seems like a whole handful of really petty, selfish, and juvenile reasons to me. Also one guaranteed to cause social conflict; I doubt a civ that’s never known material want is going to react too well to sudden starvation and financially-manufactured forced-labor(which, lbr, is what most work in our world is).

Obvsl, as a snake and member of the storied gens Atheris, I agree with Roxy&Calli that patriarchal human concepts of gender are not the end-all-be-all of identity, but what really jumps out to me here is Roxy’s description of the nature of their love for, and previous sexual interest in, Dirk which I find really True. Like: the sentiment of wanting to see children of a person because you really like that person and think they should continue, or of thinking having the kids you might have with another person would be pretty interesting. Also that loneliness is a hell of a drug 8T

I’m trying to figure out why this conversation would be circumstantially simultaneous with The Furthest Ring being “destroyed”, but I got Nothing :T :T :T

MEAT 20

So yeah, Jade’s merging with her Alt!Selves, not too surprising since it was heavily foreshadowed in Endgame.

Given that Sessions are located IN the Furthest Ring, and Sessions MAKE new multiverses, I find it being made out of “negative potential. The absence of a future” pretty ironic :p I wonder if the tentacle hair bit is a nod towards the Horror-Terrors, and theories about them being Players? Rose and Dirk’s view of Ascension would seem to suggest HTs might be SUCCESSFUL players who eventually abandoned their universes out of fear of the damage they’d do misusing their godhood(as it doesnt solve your personal problems), rather than the old HC of them being failed Players.

MEAT 21

My theory about “The Economy” being code for sex doesn’t stop feeling ever more confirmed by this narrative :|

Dirk’s anger at the idea of anyone not thinking he’s right about everything is Palpable on this page. Also I’d just like to note that This:

Is being said by a person currently in the middle of metaphysically manipulating a friends towards her worst impulses(and also potentially some amounts of self-hatred, give her thoughts re: femininity) for the sake of establishing a dictatorship through which she, as his agency-dimmed puppet, will enforce his personal politico-philosophical preferences regardless of what anyone else thinks and he’s saying it about people who just said This:

which is to say: a bunch of political pluralists who are NOT seeking to impose their morality on anyone but rather to establish a system where EVERYONE can SHARE their moral understanding of policy issues and come to a consensus decision on them, within the context of a political society DEFINED by the equality of all as political actors. There’s just so much that’s wrong, weak, and easily dismissable about Dirk’s argument here. Not to mention his obvs, undisguised, physical disgust for trolls >:T

And he’s doing all this Purely because, given his fixation on “Winning”, he wants to Win. Like: he’s not actually even pursuing what he considered good policy; he is, literally, doing this all for Pure Ego, which he has the gall(and lack of self-awareness) to accuse others of acting from. And this self-deluding buffoon is a person who believes himself “Ascended” and therefore possessed of a “higher” and “clearer” perspective on matters above their “petty” concerns about, oh non-humans being allowed to live as they like, or practice any political agency at all, and all ppls being spared unnecessary and pointless suffering due to entirely manufactured shortages. So much (real, actual)Irony, of so many types, in all of this, all at once.

An aside: I am really liking the political-mindedness of these Epilogues so far; really playing to my Interests uwu

The bit about Hybrid babs and shipnames is funny, and it doesn’t read like a shot at the fandom to me at all; it’s more a joke at Dave’s expense given the obvs distress Kanaya’s in and his inability to stop making the situation more awkward(itself prob the result of Bro’s neglect/abuse)

Oh hey look: it’s Dirk the “Omniscient” being distracted, caught unawares and off-guard by the actions of others, unable to handle the role&work he’s chosen for himself(ie “out of his depth”), unable to split his attention between even just two conscious ppl at once, and not knowing what others are thinking. Given this and his handling of Jade’s thoughts in the last section, I kinda feel like it’s less he can actually sense the thoughts of others, and more that he gets some kind of inkling or hunch, or maybe that’s it’s purely just him guessing(that’d fit real well with his comments on Roxy being “inscrutable” to him), or even just having an awareness of the plot he is narrating(and thinks he’s writing). Of course it could also be some kind of Heart thing; not really even access to their thoughts at all, but a sort of awareness of their Agency? Like: Heart is The Self and The Self is expressed through Agency, so he has, in some way, developed an awareness of “Self-Action”, which is to say, Agency? Kinda like how Dave “feels” Time and Jade “feels” Space and Rose “feels” Relevance. Which, just as an asnide, would be something super-basic powers-dev wise, since Dave started having a sense of Time way back in the early Acts, long before godhood. Though I can see how Dirk developing an awareness of OTHERS intentions(and feelings, potentially, given Heart’s other associations) would seem like a big step for him, given how self-absorbed he is.

Ok that’s it for this one I think. I know I’m not being terribly kind to Dirk in all this but, tbf, he’s being kind of a huge snide Dick in basically every respect, and I also don’t have a lot of Chill in me when it comes to 1)arrogant people or 2)manipulators (:T

#Homestuck #HS Epilogue #Homestuck Spoilers #zA Opinions #analytic posts

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princettegil · 5 years

Text

There's been something I've been meaning to talk about for a while now but it recently came to a head about a week ago and I've came to realize that the medical field is probably one of the most uncaring amd worst places to work for someone with mental illness! You'd think the medical field would understand, right? Nope! Out of all the jobs I've had, none have been this bad at working with me or helping with my issues. I won't go into detail about what happened but I haven't had much in the way of anxiety attacks in the last couple years (cept for a couple incidents.) All in all, I've been doing stunningly better! However, when I have a job I tend to have a lot more anxiety issues (no matter what the job is, it just seems to happen.) So I've had about 3-4 attacks since I started work at the beginning of this year at a hospital (working one of the lowest rungs that still deals with patient care.) But that's to be expected; I figured that would happen since it almost always does, but I was intent on trying to sticking it out this time. Now, I don't like pity - let's just get that clear right now. I don't like pity, I don't like bothering people, I try my best to at least be as good as my peers at my job and I absolutely abhor bothering people with my issues (be that mental illness stuff or standard job difficulties.) Basically, I try to hold my own as best I can and I don't like to mention my mental health issues unless it's clear they're absolutely becoming an problem. Well, first (technically 2nd but the real first was a very small and not full blown attack) anxiety? A nurse happened to be in the room with me and took me to the main office where they let me chill a little and transferred me to work with a less trying patient. That's good! That seems reasonable yeah? Though what they did I agree was a good move, the way the nurse (an RN mind you) acted towards me was... odd. You'd expect a nurse to be well trained with things like anxiety or panic attacks and know both how to help out and seem considerate, right? Well... you'd be very wrong! Though she wasn't mean she didn't seem to understand at all what was happening to me even after I told her I was having an anxiety attack. She clearly didn't know much in the way of how to help me calm down or even deal with me at all working on her floor. But whatever, maybe she was tired? Nurses work their asses off after all! Maybe she just wasn't well trained with anxiety issues? It could happen. I gave her a pass in my mind but noted how it was strange for her to be so seemingly uncomfortable with a simple anxiety attack, especially one of a coworker. My 2nd anxiety attack went mostly unnoticed and I dealt with it the way I normally do. Took a break to go to the bathroom and try to chill out, stayed there a bit longer than my break actually allows but made sure I was okay before going back to the patient's room to continue my shift as normal. At the end though I made sure to inform my supervisor that I could no longer work with said patient because he was behind my prior anxiety attack as well. They didn't really agree but that didn't disagree with me either that they'd make sure I didn't have to work with him again. Then the 3rd anxiety attack. The big one. The awful one. The one that really forced my realization. Like I said, I won't go into detail on what happened. Lots of things happened that night all at once and some caused serious issues but are unrelated to the topic of the hospital's treatment of anxiety attacks. But the stunning thing I did realize was just how non-understanding and non-accomodating my supervisors (years long medical workers, especially in nursing fields) could be. At one of my last jobs, though they ran everyone to the brink of exhaustion and stress (causing many people to quit around the same time, including myself) they at least we're kind when they realized I had anxiety issues. It didn't actually work out the way they promised but they were willing to work with me and make simple accommodations to help me out (like working in the back when the store got really busy.) They were also very understanding and assuring even though I was terrified that they found out. At another job, though I didn't stay long last the first month's training classes, they were also understanding and my trainer took the time to explain how she understood what anxiety was like and gave me plenty of time and space to calm myself down (we got along so well I even friended her on FB after I quit and she's still really nice to me.) Basically, my other jobs were understanding. They didn't pity me (thank gods!) but they were open, supportive, understanding, accomodating and those coworkers who had been through similar really helped commiserate with me which helped me feel more comfortable knowing I wasn't alone. The hospital I work at now? None of the above! They weren't mean mind you, they technically said just enough to make it so that I probably couldn't sue them for treating me differently due to my mental disabilities (I have no intention to) but it really did seem like they wanted to put in the bare minimum of care to make sure that didn't happen. Did they tell me how they understood that anxiety was difficult to deal with? No. Did they try understandingy issues? No. Did they ask or try to accommodate me (like helping me to find a more suitable job there or letting me know I could ask to switch patients if things got hard? No. Did they seem any bit empathetic or even sympathetic? No. They gave me time to calm down (though they seemed pretty ansy for me to hurry up and breath so I could talk or rather, listen to them.) They said they were worried a couple times (while seemingly sounding and looking like they didn't give a single shit and were simply required to say it.) Did they at all mention anxiety is a disability or offer any tips for dealing with it? Nope! Instead they told me, in only slightly prettier words, to suck it up, deal with it on my own, don't cause problems, and that it's only gonna get worse from here. Not exactly kind or what you'd expect from medical personnel huh? In fact, that's my main concern - it was MEDICAL PERSONNEL! I could see this with grocery store staff or call center supervisors and probably write it off as just being ill informed or more caring about the cash and not the employees. But... trained, licensed, careered RNs and nursing staff!?!? Staff that I KNOW have had to deal with and care for mentally ill patients of all sorts? Staff that likely occasionally have to help out in the adjoining psychiatric center!? People whose job is literally to care for other people!? This is what disturbs me! This is what concerns me! If they treat a fellow employee like this then how do they treat the actual patients with problems!? Look, I know nurses don't have it easy! I have both family and friends who are CNAs and RNs and I know some of the shit they go through and how stressful it is. Especially since starting a hospital job and seeing stuff firsthand, I have MAJOR respect for those that can do such jobs! You guys have to have balls of steel! No... platinum! Dear gods the shit you ppl go through! I can easily see why you'd be frustrated especially with a coworker who can't handle the shit you deal with daily! I get it. I can see why you'd snap at patients and even eventually experience burn out and stop giving a shit in general. Hell, I wouldn't blame you one damn bit! But I would hope most of that would be split decisions, heat of the moment type stuff. Not when you've had almost an hour to absorb what's happened and had plenty of time to think through what to do or how to act. If you treat your co-workers like this, how would someone expect you to treat your patients? Not one of the 6 jobs that I've had treated my anxiety issues THIS BADLY! I'm talking data entry places, places with tiny cubicles, telarmarketing places, call centers, grocery stores, RETAIL stores! If nothing else I'd expect at least understanding from medical field workers! My supervisors, even a few of my coworkers - did not only not seem to understand but didn't even care! I was told by one to pretty much man up or quit! And some of these people, I KNOW have either personally dealt with mental health issues themselves or know someone close who has. Even if you know the job is tough, even if you know it may get worse, even if you've personally dealt with worse - you can't even say something as easy as "yeah man, this shits hard, I get it."? If I ever mentioned how hard my night was, my coworkers in the group chat didn't even care enough to respond. I mean, I'm sure you've had hard nights too! Let's talk about it! Let's commiserate and complain together! There's over I of us on this shift and I know you all have gone through shit, let's let off a little steam about it! There's gotta be at least one of you who'd love to rant it out! I find when you complain together about a tough job it makes you feel better knowing there's others in the same situation. Just knowing you're not alone can help a lot! Heck, answering every question you know the answer to with "just call the supervisors" cause you can't take 2 mins to say something like "click the x button on the menu" to help a coworker is a bit extreme isn't it? That last anxiety attack I had suicidal thoughts for a short bit in the midst of the worst part. I asked my supervisors for any advice they might have (hoping they might share some of their 20+ years of health field knowledge) they ignored my question and sent me straight to the ER even though I told them I was fine now. I can see the reaction for legal reasons but they didn't seem worried about me personally but how it may affect my job. They refused to listen to me. I went to the ER. Sat there, had blood work done and answered a few questions about how I was feeling and they let me leave. Why? Because they had determined I was fine and no threat to myself or others, just like I had told my supervisors. They never did give me advice. But they did screenshot my phone to show HR. So no, I don't want pity and I don't want people to get super worried about me but I'm always worrying that I'll be fired because of my anxiety attacks and the least a supervisor or coworker could do is tell me they understand it's tough (the job or the anxiety) or give me helpful tips or listen to me or ask how they could help. But being ignored, told to man up, told to quit, treated like I was just a legal risk and quickly unloading me onto anyone else they could - that's not how you treat someone! Someone with anxiety, depression, mental illness, learning disabilities, young people, old people - ANY PEOPLE! And what's worse is you are MEDICAL STAFF! You should KNOW about this stuff. You should KNOW how to handle it! You should KNOW to at least act like you care! You should KNOW how to comfort or calm someone or make them feel comfortable and not just like a legal risk or a bother that you don't want to deal with! HOW TF DO PATIENTS FEEL ABOUT THIS KIND OF TREATMENT!? My managers are always complaining about inspections and how the hospital is rated by patients and why and how to improve our scores. Well, as someone who's been an employee and now a patient too, lemme tell you your main patient displeasure issue - YOUR ATTITUDE! I thought before that some patients were just asking too much of the staff but now I know that they were right. But it's not about getting your apple juice quicker it's about being treated like you're either just a giant thorn in their side or a pit of money! Maybe next time I won't ignore that survery phone call.

#Personal #srry everyone I needed to rant!#I rly do know nurses work their asses off and patients are super greedy #I know ur tired and stay stressed #I applaud those of u who do this kind of work and put up with all this shit but #even if u don't think someone has the balls for the job #doesntewm u should be an ass about it #no one deserves that and treating someone with mental illness like that is even worse #I mean tech I do have a disability tho I don't like calling it that #bit is this how you'd treat someone who was blind or paralyzed?#Is this how you'd treat a normal coworker or employee?#Haven't u ever heard of being nice? U can still tell the truth but u don't gotta be an ass about it #it's not like I'm cursing u out or angry or anything #so there's no reason to treat me like a useless turd thorn #just say things nicely add in an 'i understand' here or there #at best u can try to follow the actual law and make accommodations when possible #instead of veiling ur threats of unemployment with faked worry so u won't be sued #I'm not gonna sue u! I probably won't even turn u in for wanting to fire someone cause of disability but rewording it as something else!#I just want to be treated with some gotdamn respect and care fuck!#Take a goddamn 30 min YouTube class about anxiety disorders or something!#It ain't hard to Google! Fuck

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