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shishibloomy · 3 years

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Hello! I love the Shishigumi and they don’t get enough love! I was hoping you could, if comfortable, how the Shishigumi members react to their s/o having a mental disorder (anxiety/depression etc.) and what they do to comfort them/how they react and or feel. If not then delete this :)

Ill stick with the anxiety/depression stuff cus thats what I’m most familiar with.

Ibuki I feel like Ibuki would be one of the best people to have with you if you’re going through an anxiety attack or a depressive episode. He’ll be there with you through every thing and he’ll know how to balance letting you take time to rest but also getting you up to get you moving. I think he would also appreciate that you’re showing this side of yourself to him and being vulnerable. He’ll probably start opening up to you more as well and it’ll be more time for both of you to bond. Talking is going to be very important for him. He's had to hide his struggles behind the mask of being a strong lion so having someone he can open to is going to be refreshing for him; he might end up talking more than you because he feels so comfortable with you. After the first couple of times of it happening, he’ll figure out a routine for you that will get you up and running. If you're having anxiety doing something, he'll be there with you through it all. If it gets very bad, he'll give you the comfiest hug in the world until you stop feeling so anxious. He keeps your hand in his and squeezes it to let you know that he's there with you. He's honestly a giant lion teddy bear, and one thats happy to be cuddling with you too.

Miguel

With Miguel, his first thought will be to get you up and active. He'll make sure to only do as much as you're comfortable with; he just doesn't want you to fall into a rut. He'll take you to walks and low impact workouts and use them as an opportunity for you to open up to him about whatevers going on with you. His usual intense gaze softens up incredibly; he doesn't want you to feel intimidated from him. He does a lot of comfortable touches that help you relax, like keeping your hand in his or rubbing your arm. If the two of you are walking somewhere, he'll have his arm wrapped around you the whole time and keep you flushed against him, it's especially nice during the winter time. Even though he tries to get you more active, he'll also be doing so much for you during this time. If you don't feel like eating, he'll make something for you that you'll like; if you're laying down somewhere and you need to go somewhere, he'll just pick you up and take you somewhere. If you have issues with anxiety, he'll work with you ot build up your confidence... by getting you to work out more. Not because it's anything related to your physical appearance but working out in a gym infront of people will make you more comfortable. He'll be with you the whole time so if you start getting very uncomfortable, you can tell him and he'll stop.

Free

Free suddenly becomes so serious with his s/o. Yes he is reckless himself but when it comes to someone he cares about, you bet he's going to watch out for them. He drinks and does a lot of silvervine, but in front of you he'll never do it because substances like that can make depression and anxiety worse. If you want to just lay down and not do anything, he's going to take that as an opportunity to lay with you and cuddle you. He's going to be talking to you a lot to keep your mind active and it's going to be the randomest things ever (most of which he got from Agata). He just wants to laugh with you and hear your happy voice again. He's not the best at talking about his feelings but he's going to try and open up so that you feel comfortable talking to him. It's going to be stuff like "I know shit sucks sometimes but it'll get better babe." Also, expect his regular affection do increase even more. If you're making breakfast, he'll hug you from behind the whole time or try to make it for you; if you're doing stuff in public, he'll never let go of your hand; he's going to be giving you kisses every minute too. He wants you to feel very loved the whole time.

Agata

Agata is someone who wants to be more comfortable talking about his feelings so when he sees you going through some depression or having anxiety, he'll spend a lot of time making sure you're feeling ok and asking how you're doing. He doesn't want you to have to hold everything in like he had to and pretend like everything was ok. He's very sensitive about things so he'll pick up right away if you aren't feeling ok. He's going to try to get you to play a lot of really fun, feel good, or goofy games with him. Think Mario Party, Animal Crossing, Minecraft, Roblox, etc. He'll bring you a lot of snacks you like and some new ones both of you guys havent tried before so you can eat them together. After you start opening up to him, he'll start telling you how he feels as well. He wants to bond with you and also let you know that you aren't alone in your feelings. I imagine him as someone who also has issues with anxiety stemming from all his pressures to be a strong lion so you’ll both be helping each other in situations where you’re anxious. Lots of hand holding, standing close together, whispering in each other’s ears. You’ll both eventually forget others are there because you’re both so focused on each other

Dolph

Dolph ends up being a leader to the Shishigumi when their actual leader isn't there so he has experience from members who occasionally come up to him and talk him (specifically Agata). He seems like someone who's very intimidating but when he wants to, he can be the sweetest person ever. Whenever you talk to him, it feels very intimate because he keeps very intense eye contact with you. He doesn't do it intentionally but he wants to feel connected to you; if you feel uncomfortable he'll tone it down a bit. Dolph will listen to you a lot and then if you ask for advice, he'll give some. He wants you to know that he's listening to whatever you're saying and that you getting better is the most important thing to him. You'll find him bringing up times when he's had similar issues and how he went through them and survived; he wants you to know that whatever it is that has you depressed is only temporary and you'll get through it. When it comes to your anxiety, he's also like Ibuki in the sense that he's a giant lion teddy bear that you can hug and hold whenever you get anxious. He's going to use his scar as an example; even though he has it over his face, he manages to get through public interactions.

Dope

Dope will know right away that you aren’t feeling good by reading your body language. Even if you don’t tell him, he’ll ask you if everything’s ok and offer you lots and lots of emotional support. He wants you to feel absolutely comfortable telling him everything so he can do something to help you feel better. If you thought that he was good with his words before, he comes to a whole other level to make you feel better. If you talk about yourself in a deprecating way, he's going to correct you right away. It might feel irritating at first but he wants to change your negative way of thinking and eventually you'll notice that you have less deprecating thoughts about yourself too. Until he notices that you start acting like you did before your depressive episode, he's going to dedicate time for you every day where you open up to him about how you're feeling. He'll also make sure to ask you if you want comfort or solutions so he doesn't say anything that might upset you if you just want to vent. If you want solutions, he'll sit with you until you two figure out what works best for you.

Hino

Hino is the king of self care and it’s going to reflect when he helps you during a depressive episode. If you aren’t feeling up for doing anything, he’s going to make sure you’re taking care of your personal hygiene. When you wake up, he’ll do a routine for you (face wash, brushing teeth, putting on some moisturizer and sunscreen) so you feel pampered. He wants you to feel good and fresh physically even if you aren’t feeling the best mentally. He’ll do the same at night and will get new products for both of you to try out; some of them are luxe and some are more silly (face masks that bubble when you put them on and sheet masks that have funny faces on them). He’ll be showering you with compliments the whole time, and they’re all genuine ones; none of those superficial ones. He’ll bring you some new clothes to try on, it’ll be cute outfits he picks out for you and all of them fit perfectly. Even though this all seems a bit materialistic, he does it all while giving you a lot of emotional support too. These things are just extra stuff to help you feel better because it’s things he likes himself and he wants to do things both of you can enjoy together. I imagine Hino as a very artistic person too so he’ll do art activities with you. Lots of painting how you’re feeling and writing out your feelings in poetry. He’s going to make sure you don’t feel the pressure to make your art look perfect and he’ll share his to show you that your art can be anything you want it to be. If you get anxiety in public, just take him anywhere with you and all the attention will be on him. He will make sure to build up your confidence so that you don’t need to rely on him all the time too and Hino is the best person for a morale boost.

Sabu

Sabu is better at telling you're feeling upset than Dope is. He has his years of experience under his belt and him being quiet means he listens more. You don't even realize it but he's been listening to a lot of the little things you say and from that he picks up that you aren't in the best state of mind. Before you even tell him, you notice that he starts doing a lot of things for you to make your mood better. Whatever he doesn't say with words, he shows with his actions and right now it's that he wants you to feel better. Once you do tell him and open up to him, he makes an effort to try and talk more to you. Similarly to Dolph, he'll mainly listen and then only talk if you ask him to. He's not used to talking about his past so it's going to be a new thing for him to be so open about it but he'll do it so that you feel comfortable. It'll still be short answers but you know that he's trying his best to open up. If you're having anxiety, Sabu will be your silent supporter through all of it. If anyone in particular tries to mess with you, he goes back to his intimidating self and will get them to back off of you right away. Just imagine a scary, scarred lion intimidating someone while holding his s/os hand.

Jinma

When you tell Jinma about how you're feeling, his first train of thought is to find the best therapist in the BAM that you can talk through all of this. He wants to help you through all of it but he knows he has his connections and he could find someone way more qualified. Even if you do go to a therapist, he'll still make sure to check on you through everything. If you really enjoy nature, he'll find the best nature area that the both of you can go to together. If you want to eat something good, he's going to find the best and most exclusive place and somehow manage to get you reservations the day of it all. Whatever you want, he's going to know where to get you the best one of it. If he doesn't know where to get it, he'll know someone else who will. If you're dealing with anxiety issues, he'll make sure to talk to the best therapist and figure out ways to get you comfortable in situations that make you anxious. He'll also try his own things by taking you to places with him so you get more comfortable being in new places. Of course nothing dangerous like gang deals but if he hears about a new place to check out, he's definitely making you tag along so that the two of you can experience it together.

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atlabeth · 3 years

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neighborly things - sokka x fem!reader

summary: reader can’t make things for shit. thankfully, she has a cute and crafty neighbor willing to help her.

a/n: im so sorry lmao. i have requests and i have 2 series that havent been updated in like a month but sometimes i just need to write a stupid little oneshot to get back in the writing mood. i did this in an hour

im not a screwdriver expert so dont come at me if some of this info is wrong lmao

wc: 1.6k

warning(s): some cursing but otherwise pure fluff. also i didnt proofread im SORRY im pretty sure they laugh grin and smile like 200 times

“Dammit!”

Anyone unfortunate enough to have a place near you during this time would have heard the phrase on more than twenty occasions, and it wasn’t even noon yet. You had gotten the parts in the mail to put together a new dresser a couple days ago, and had finally decided to take on the task. You didn’t know if it was because you were inexperienced with furniture or just lacked basic comprehension skills, but it was proving to be no less than Herculean.

You threw the screwdriver at the wall and fell back to the floor as you let your arms sprawl out above you. You had been trying to screw in a part for no less than thirty minutes, and if a miracle didn’t happen right about now, you were going to lose your mind.

Your head snapped towards the door when she heard a knock, and your brows creased. “God?” You muttered as you got up, wondering if you had actually thought a miracle into existence.

You weren’t greeted by a deity when you opened the door, but the man standing in front of you was pretty damn close. With ocean blue eyes, hair pulled back in a ponytail with shaved sides, and toned arms, he was a sight to behold. But you had no idea why he was in front of your door.

“Hey, are you okay?” He questioned, genuine concern in his tone.

“Um, yeah, why?” You were trying to rack your brain for any memory of this guy — because you knew you would remember him if you had seen him before — but to no avail. “Also, who are you and why are you here?”

“Right,” he chuckled. “My name’s Sokka. I’m your neighbor; I live—” he gestured at the door just next to your place, “—over there. Moved in a couple weeks ago, so that’s probably why you don’t know me. I’ve just been hearing a lot of cursing and loud noises coming from your place, so I figured I would stop in and see what was going on.”

“Oh. That’s.. very considerate of you, Sokka. I’m just…” you sighed and chuckled at the ridiculousness of it all. “I’m just trying to put together a dresser, and it’s not going well at all. That latest sound you heard was the culmination of my rage. I threw a screwdriver at the wall.”

“Yeah, that’ll do it,” he laughed. “Listen. I don’t wanna intrude on you or anything, but I happen to be pretty good at putting things together. I had to do a lot of furniture construction when I first moved in, plus I’m the one all my friends call when they need help with putting anything together. I could probably help you with whatever’s troubling you.”

“Are you serious?”

“Oh, no. I just go door to door joking around with people, asking if they need help with their furniture, sometimes I ask if their refrigerator is running? It really gets a kick out of them.”

You rolled your eyes goodnaturedly and stepped aside so he could enter your apartment. “Thank you so much, Sokka. I’ve read the instructions a million times, I seriously don’t know what I’m doing wrong.”

He crouched down and picked up the manual, turning to a dog-eared page and skimming over the instructions. He pointed at the screwdriver you had thrown against the wall and glanced back at you. “Is that the one you’ve been using?”

You closed and locked the door behind him then walked over to the wall, picking up the unfortunate victim of your anger and spinning it in your hands. “Yeah, why?”

“Do you know what kind it is?”

“Um.. maybe? God, I don’t know. I think it’s a Phillip’s head?”

Sokka laughed and shook his head, holding up the manual so you could see it. “That’s where you’re going wrong. You need a Pozidriv for these screws — they’re similar enough that anyone can make a mistake.”

You stared at Sokka in complete amazement — apparently, your savior lived next door, and he came in the form of a handsome guy with basic knowledge on putting furniture together. “You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me,” you said as you walked over and took the booklet from himl. You flipped through it a couple times and read over the part, shaking your head in disbelief.

“You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me!” you repeated, louder this time. “Do you know how long I’ve been trying to get that thing to- to work, to screw, to— whatever you call it?”

“It’s actually to—”

“Thirty minutes!” You interrupted, earning a small chuckle from Sokka. “Thirty damn minutes that I have been trying to get that screw in, and it’s all because I was using the wrong screwdriver. Why would they make screwdrivers that are so similar but aren’t interchangeable?!”

He shrugged and held up his hands. “Don’t ask me — I don’t make the rules, I just follow them. But like I said; this dresser might fall apart if you keep using this thing. I actually have a Pozidriv back at my place, I can go get it and we can finish this up together.”

“God, that would be the biggest help,” you admitted. “But I don’t wanna take up your time — I don’t know how I would even repay you.”

“I’m doing this because I want to help you,” he said. “You don’t have to repay me. Think of it as… as a neighborly thing.”

“A neighborly thing?” you repeated with a laugh. “Well, if you’re offering, I’m definitely not going to refuse.”

“I am offering,” Sokka winked. “And unless you want to be at this for another three days, I think you should take that offer.”

You pretended to deliberate over it before letting out an exaggerated sigh. “I guess I’ll let you help me. I mean, really you should be thanking me for this brilliant opportunity to, um.. hone your skills.”

He laughed, a brilliant sound that made your heart sing, and nodded as he went back to the door. “Thank you so much for letting me put together this dresser. Truly, it’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

“Then I’m happy to be of assistance.”

Sokka grinned then unlocked and opened the door. “I’ll be right back, then we can get started.”

Once he got back, the two of you got to work. The next three hours passed so quickly as you and Sokka talked about everything from the work you did to people in your lives (no girlfriend, thankfully), to exchanging stories — even the silence, though rare, was comfortable.

Sokka pushed the last drawer into its place then clapped his hands as he stood up, admiring the fruits of your labor. “And that’s it! We’re done.”

“Wait, we’re done? Already?” You set down the instruction manual and stood up as well, backing up to Sokka’s position to see what he saw. “Wow, that looks.. that looks just like the picture. We are good at this! Well, you’re really good at this, I’m good at keeping you entertained. But still!”

You held your hand up for a high five and he laughed, but not without meeting it with a satisfying clap.

“It does look pretty good,” he admitted. “And not only do you have a brand new, fully functioning dresser, you also had the priceless experience of spending three hours with the neighbor you know nothing about.”

“That’s not true,” you countered. “I know that you’re really good at putting things together, you’re a genius when it comes to anything math or science, and you hate blueberries.”

Sokka snickered and brushed his hands off on his jeans. “That’s everything there is to know.”

“I dunno, Sokka. You seem like a pretty interesting guy.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. It’s not every day that someone offers to put together a whole dresser just because they feel bad.”

“Well—” he tore off a blank part of the instruction manual and picked up a spare pen from the counter, then put it up against the wall as he scribbled something on it. Sokka put the pen down and handed the slip of paper to you with a smile. “If you ever need any more help with furniture, then call me.”

You could feel your cheeks heat up as you took the paper. Your fingers brushed ever so slightly as you took the slip of paper, and you decided to just go for it. You bit back a grin and tried to sound as innocuous as possible. “And if I want to get to know you beyond the blueberries?”

Sokka laughed and leaned against the doorframe. “Definitely call me.”

“Great.”

The two of you smiled at each other like idiots for way too long before a notification from his phone broke the silence. He jumped from the sudden noise and dug his phone out of his pocket, giving you an apologetic look. “Sorry, my sister just texted me and I gotta get over to her place.” Sokka started towards the door then paused and turned around. “I actually had a lot of fun doing this, though. I’ll see you around, yeah?”

“Yeah.” You knew you had that same smile on your face, but it just wouldn’t go away. His energy was contagious. “Definitely.”

“Great.” He winked at you one last time then left, closing the door behind him, and finally snapping you out of your spell.

You leaned against the dresser and stared at the slip of paper in your hands, committing the number to memory.

You were definitely going to take him up on that offer.

perm tag list: @dv0412 @siriuslyslyslytherin

#avatar the last airbender #avatar #atla #avatar the last airbender fic #atla fic #avatar fic #sokka #sokka atla #sokka avatar #sokka fic #sokka x reader #sokka x reader fic #sokka x you #sokka x y/n #avatar x reader #avatar the last airbender x reader #sadie writes

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reyeslonestar · 3 years

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Question what are some things you wanna see in season 3 of lone star? Character development, plots, anything

I want to see Tonya Kong write every episode. that's all. thanks for asking!

sadfkja I joke, I do have other ideas, but that is definitely high on my wish list! i'm gonna go through by character and talk about what I'd like to see for them, so this is gonna get quite long whoops...

the main thing that I'd like to see overall, though, would be evidence of an overarching season plan or arc - it doesnt necessarily have to be a plot that stretches through all the episodes or anything major, but I'd love them to have plotted out the season before they start. from watching this season and then reading interviews after the finale, they dont appear to plan many things from the start and end up throwing in ideas as they go along. if they plan it from the start they can foresee how theyre going to affect character development more, and they can have a bit more balance in the types of episodes they have, so that the season is less insane and more naturally ebb-and-flow with a few light episodes to break up the drama.

okay, onto the characters! just going to do this in billing order for simplicity's sake. customary reminder that these are just my own opinions and thoughts, and this is more of a wish list than a realistic expectation.

if you want to search for a specific character, ctrl F for one of these terms including the dash at the start:

-Owen

-Tommy

-TK

-Grace

-Judd

-Marjan

-Paul

-Carlos

-Mateo

-Nancy

press “j” to skip the whole post.

-Owen

okay so I'd love to see them actually develop his character. Owen has been given a lot of backstory with lots to play with development-wise, but to me it feels like the show never goes anywhere with it. he's got a lot going on what with 9/11, feeling responsible for the fates of his fellow firefighters, the codependence of his relationships etc. I'd like to see him go to therapy and see him grow some self awareness and seek to manage himself better, rather than all his screentime devoted to him being a hero when other characters have the situation handled. it would really show him as a good leader if he drew on the skills that his team has and refer to them for advice/ideas. realistically he is the main character, so I'd like them to develop him like one.

also, I kind of love the chief role for him? I think it would suit him really well. but it would drag him away from the 126 and split up the dynamics too much so it would make for bad tv and I wouldnt actually want to see that. good for his character though.

-Tommy

I love Tommy :) just wanted to say that.

so obviously Tommy's got a lot of grief to handle next season, and I don't want them to shy away from that. I want it acknowledged and processed. (I'd also like a little bit of seeing the twins' grief too, because they're also suffering a massive loss). maybe something with Judd helping Tommy learn to manage her grief with his own experience of losing the original 126, encourage her to go to therapy, plus Tommy, Grace and Judd all feeling the loss of Charles together. after all, Grace and Judd were his friends and they will be grieving too.

I'd also kind of like to see Tommy have something outside being a working mother. obviously we're going to need to deal with that a lot especially now that Charles is gone, but I feel like she's been assigned the Character TraitTM of being the working mum and I'd like to see them give her a hobby or something. idk. and give her a night off with Grace or something. give her something just for her.

-TK

okay so I think theres a fair likelihood that theyre going to return to looking at TK's addiction next season which im not averse to. I think him struggling with his sobriety would be worthwhile to see for his character and to show that its not a straightforward path, plus it makes sense with all the insane stuff they've thrown at them in s2. however, Id like to see it in the context of his friends and family rallying around to help and support him and show him that he's got people to rely on, and that he's allowed to rely on them, plus the support of his AA meetings and therapy. I also need them to lay the groundwork for him struggling, so putting in signs of him deteriorating so the situation makes sense. this storyline doesn't need surprises to be interesting or good, and frankly it shouldn't have any.

as for him and Carlos, I definitely want to see them househunting! I'd like to see the combination of househunting/Carlos with Tommy's kids/Grace and Judd having their baby have an impact on their perspectives regarding their future and spark that conversation (like, looking at houses with more rooms and thinking about kids, future, marriage etc). I think that maybe one of them, probably TK, or maybe both of them those boys have way too many parent issues having anxieties about being a dad could be an interesting way to add tension without being too drastic, and then that can be resolved in a way that reassures them of their relationship and reaffirms their strength as a couple. the talk about the future would also lay the groundwork towards a proposal at the end of s3.

-Grace

grace :) my love :)

I could watch episode after episode of Grace kicking ass and saving people over the phone. I'd love to see an episode set there? like, some kind of story within the call centre with all the handlers having to resolve that between them, but also tie in the first responders, so we see the fire team, the paramedics and Carlos all working but we only see the bits that Grace and the other call handlers hear, if that makes sense? also an actual Grace/Carlos team up where they are coming in from the different angles with different amounts of evidence and figuring out the best way to solve something together. plus I'd like to see her maybe get some recognition for being awesome at her job, maybe another handler coming to her for advice on how to solve something.

of course we've got the baby Ryder on the way, and I want that to go comfortably and smoothly for her. she deserves that. lots of wholesome excitement for her and Judd from the whole extended firefam, baby shower, gifts, the full works. pamper grace please.

-Judd

judd4captain2k22. please.

yeah I know its not gonna happen, but I loved judd stepping in as captain this season and I'd love to see that continued with him taking more leadership, and Owen deferring to him for advice/council in a work environment rather than personal life. maybe set up a long term idea about judd being a captain someday.

he's gonna be a dad :') so what are his anxieties about that? why were they putting it off before? was it related to his PTSD? he's got lots of people relying on him now, how does that make him feel? what if his kid loses him? id like to see him still using therapy as a tool to help himself deal with everything. lots of meaty questions to dig into there :D

-Marjan

I'd quite like to see more of her balancing her daredevil nature with the impact of that and realising how much danger she puts herself in sometimes. or on the flip side, maybe the team is dealing with a really dangerous situation and they utilise her fearlessness to save people. her relationship with social media could also come back? but bring in the development they gave her this season, and her Firefox presence is more serious, less flippant?

I think that theres now a space for her to explore her sexuality/romantic experience now that she hasn't got her engagement with Salim as a kind of failsafe. maybe she wants to put herself out there and date, but thats really daunting as shes never really had to do that before? personally I think this could tie in really well with a self discovery/exploration regarding her sexual orientation, but I doubt they’d go there with her, so thats just my headcanon.

-Paul

I want them to draw on Paul’s observational skills and perceptiveness more, especially on calls and in emergencies. I remember someone (sorry I cant remember who) pointed out that he would have been a great character to centre the arsonist plot around in terms of noticing the clues etc, so id love a storyline that revolves around him dealing with an emergency like that. I also really want a Carlos and Paul friendship so maybe them collaborating on a call to solve something, that’d be cool.

can we give Paul a girlfriend please. if im not complely insane, there was a reference to someone in like,, 2x04?? someone who put mayo in his sandwich? idk I havent checked (edit: it was aioli in his banh mi! thank you @meneatyoghurt), but if there is someone can we show him having a fun and loving relationship please. I dont need there to be any drama. just them having fun on a date or something.

-Carlos

so I know that some people are keen to see him in his police role more but I really don't need much of that. on calls with the 126 I'd like to see him be the officer in charge more, but I don't need police-exclusive storylines. I've talked about it here if you want to know why.

the only area that I'd like to see would be in the direction of reform/addressing the flaws of the system, and I think they can do that on a personal level for him, because he and Mitchell need a chat. if they'd gone with her decision in 2x08, he, Mitchell and the bank robber would all be dead, and I think thats gotta have some impact. also the fact that he was suspended for trying to preserve life. theres a lot they could work with there and maybe have him thinking about how he can do good and how he can effectively protect and serve. not to mention, the opportunity that would provide in terms of addressing his relationship with his dad and how he maybe sought approval by pursuing a police career?

also I’d like him to learn that he doesnt need to accept blame/preemptively put blame on himself and that he doesnt need to apologise when someone else hurt him. kind of want to send him to therapy. kind of want to send all the characters to therapy. but yeah, him learning that he can accept apologies and understand that he doesnt have to make people feel better for hurting him. hes allowed to be hurt and feel pained about it. and that can tie into his relationships with Mitchell, with TK and with his parents.

I think I mentioned most of the tarlos stuff in TK’s section, but I wouldn't mind at least one instance for them where we see it all from his perspective instead of TK’s.

finally ive mentioned above how i’d like a team up with Paul on a scene and both of them figuring it out together. I'd also like them having a friendship outside work, just the two of them, bonding over books and being relatively sane people compared to the rest of their friends.

-Mateo

Mateo is so sweet. I loved 2x14 and the recognition he got, more of that please! also theres still so much I want to know - one of the more consistent things they set up for him in s2 was his faith, so I want to know more about that. what's his relationship with religion and God? he's pretty isolated from his family so how does he feel about that? is his religion something that helps him feel connected to them? maybe the church helped him find a community when he first came to the states, before he got settled with the 126, and he finds reassurance in faith that God is looking after his family while he cant be there? I think maybe there's scope for a conversation between Marjan and Mateo about that, about that distance and caring for their families through faith and prayer.

also, if he's still with the horrible firehouse, I'd like to see the other firefighters being won round by his resilience and stepping up to look out for him, and someone backing him up against the captain. Mateo is used as the butt of the joke most of the time, but I'd also like to see a bit more acknowledgement of things like losing his house and the bullying hes going to get more of from this firehouse.

-Nancy

I think that her speech to Tommy in 2x14 was really telling, and I'd love to see them expand on that a bit more. first on the loss and fear of losing her friends and coworkers, but then also on her hopes and aspirations - she said she wants to be a paramedic captain so lets see her working to take her exams and qualifications, and showing initiative on scenes etc.

id like to see more of her being integrated into the 126 group. she and marjan turned up to the hangout together, so lets develop that relationship more. I would love it to be romantic but I'd also love to see that as a friendship. but also her forming bonds with others in the group as well as more of her and TK being a chaos duo. I love that they stole the ambulance, more of that insanity please!

I think thats it? if youre still reading, youre insane and I appreciate you a lot! honestly im open to all sorts of things in s3, this isnt a prediction or anything, its just stuff I think would be interesting based on where the characters are now.

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anothermaddoctor · 3 years

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Tell me more about your trans woman Naoto headcanon stuff cause I also like to look at Naoto from a trans girl view and am currently building a whole AU about it

oh my goodness yes okay so i feel like with the kinds of storylines that are like “circumstances make it easier to live as a man” just tends to make more sense with trans women than trans men, and like dont get me wrong im transmasc and naoto gives me HEAVY gender envy!! so most of my reasoning, besides mostly to piss off ppl who say they arent transphobic but are pissy at people who read naoto as transmasc, is that at least in america there are a LOT of background checks that come with working with the government/police as far as i know and it feels a little bit wild that she would be able to hide something that is on like every medical form from the background checks. like shed submit a vaccine or allergy form and “F” would be right at the top, right? plus since all the characters in these games are kids its not like shed be able to legally change her gender

also keep in mind i havent played the game in a hot second and didnt complete her social link but i have GATHERED the INFORMATION

so the shadow and palace explanation on my part is like oh she probably started hormones and was like oh fuck all these changes that i WANT are gonna be harder and harder to hide!! and also like oh maybe if i remove part of myself or hurt myself ill be able to convince myself that im actually a man!!! this part is just me babbling but w/e

i know later in her social link you can convince her to wear a girl’s school uniform but shes really uncomfortable with it, and my reasoning more just to make it feel less of an asshole move on the player’s part is she hasnt exactly had the opportunity to like wear “girl” clothes and shes like hm im not sure if my first step should be what i wear every day is exactly a baby step, because at least in my experience transing my gender in the opposite way its like i didnt want to throw out all my clothes and do a big change immediately

also trans woman naoto in my eyes makes comments from the other girls about her boobs less like haha get it boobie cause shes actually girl and more like how overenthusiastic allies tend to be, like ive started growing facial hair and my friends are like A WHOLE BEARD!!! YOURE SO COOL AND MASCULINE LOOK AT YOUR FACIAL HAIR!!!! and its like a rat stache, so i guess im trying to translate that over to being a young trans girl, where friends are like WOAH MASSIVE TIDDIES HOT STUFF!!! in order to be like supportive and sweet!!

oh also i do want to admit i basically yoinked this idea from someone who said it made more sense for that one green character from voltron to be a trans girl for basically the same reasons

anyways i dont know how much sense that makes lol im bad at wording things and im over excited about getting an ask!!! tysm for sending me an ask i love talking about this lol

also if youre sharing ur au online id love to read abt it!!!! good luck with it!!!!

#naoto shirogane #persona 4 #sorry for babbling so much i just get so pumped lol

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themeed · 3 years

Text

damn allowed myself to want things for a day and all i want is a van to live in, knowledge, freedom, weight loss, and a bass guitar.

im. happy with that i think. im proud of me, no jokes. im proud of being able to want things and care about them and vibrate towards them with longing. im... pleased with that. its fulfilling in a way Not Wanting For Anything isnt, because thats... kinda hollow. empty. in a vacant, lonely, yearning and grieving and SAD way. maybe because i Couldnt Want then. i Couldnt Desire or it would be used against me or taken away. that sucks. that sucked.

and now. im free to want again. and comparatively???? i think im very much never going to aim for buddhism or that weird Not Desiring Not Attached Nirvana mindset. like good for u but been there out of trauma and its not fun theres no reason to truly Live. u just float endlessly and experience and it aches so badly!!!! it hurts to want to want and not be able to. and i guess that is different from not wanting at all but... its not different enough for me to justify ever going back to that. or going forward to that. i just got this back and screw enlightenment if it means i have to give up on my passions i dont think life is worth living without it.

and anybody who looks down on that from a spiritual tower has yet to examine their own pride and how empty they feel without it.

anybody who looks down and smiles and wishes me luck on my journey? good for them. im glad theyre living their best life, on their journey as they see fit.

and i feel the need to protect myself because ive been hurt by the pride- the arrogance of others before. a lot of my hurts and traumas stem from my mother being too prideful to recognize that she can be wrong and someone under her power could be correct over her. and it was an uncomfortable truth. so she denied it was one at all and hurt me. i know the reason could be elaborated on. she didnt want to confront her own internal logic. or trauma. or even doublethink. that doesnt excuse her hurting a child for the sake of her sense of pride, of comfort, of self-worth. a child under her power, that she claimed to be parent of. teacher of.

not owing anyone anything is not the same as not hurting anyone. i havent reconciled that yet. oppressors should be held accountable for their mistakes, and give reparations if the harm is physical at LEAST. and i think that applies to politics, yes. privately though? if i beat up a nazi, i dont want to pay for his hospital bills. my personal philosophy struggles between equating people and ideas as a worth measurement, and realizing that that line of thinking is... similar to oppressors. but. its based on something people can change. the question is, do i think "if given the opportunity" is a good enough reason to stop and question a racist that runs their mouth? and do i think pre-emptive violence is okay? if say, a nazi walks into a bar and doesnt say anything but is wearing all the red flags and bells and whistles. i dont think that justifies a beatdown. being asked to leave, sure, but the beatdown doesnt start til the first remark flies.

once the intent is given OR the action is taken, the line is drawn. doesnt matter if they Havent Had The Chance. if theyre starting shit outside of debate spaces like that, and not, say, asking questions, theyre not looking for new perspectives, and it is NOT my job to educate people. its not my job to Show People The Light. a quick fucking google search could tell them why theyre wrong. if they havent put even the most basic energy into questioning their beliefs, thats on them.

it sounds like im trying to absolve myself of blame here. largely because. i think i should go out and help educate people because theyre inherently complacent if theyre, yknow, in a position of power. aka white folk and men and rich folk and cis folk and on and on and on. these people dont live my reality. they dont live the reality of a gay black man in the south, or a genderqueer lesbian in the west, or an indigenous woman whose nation is being targeted, or a muslim woman who cannot wear her headcoverings in the face of danger of death, or an asian immigrant who cant get a job because of COVD age discrimination resurging. we will never live each others realities, but we can become aware of them.

they wont come into awareness without someone asking or telling, and then doing something to change them.

we shouldnt need to go running to people in power for them to be aware of problems in the populace, govt is supposed to help and solve issues like this. like. actively. thats the whole point, make life better for the countrys citizens. and individuals in a position of social power...

are individuals who didnt take on a responsibility to protect and serve or otherwise care for the populace of a nation. i personally think they SHOULD care, but they are not obligated to. i cant make them care about others.

and honestly, on some of them, it would be a waste of time. there are people who want to change or question things and yknow what? they seek out answers. in people or places or online usually. stats and stories.

so like. i dont think someones Potential as a person matters when theres a throwdown about to happen. it really isnt my responsibility to save people from themselves or try to change their sides against their will. if they want to chat about it they can ask questions first.

not throw insults or punches or hatred.

what people have been taught is worth analyzing and trying to correct IN SOCIETY but i cant fix every broken white boy that comes to me. PSAs, fliers, outreach, online videos, debate spaces. those are things i already have access to and can be a part of if i really want to go around changing minds. or yknow. get involved in legislation and be myself around others to change their perceptions of whats socially acceptable or normal. maybe protest, maybe call congressfolk, etc.

but not every comment has to be analyzed or a learning opportunity. im allowed to shut it down, and people can respect that or stop talking to me. this isnt my parents house where i had to justify everything that i said or did when scrutinized, and doubly justify any criticism i had of mother, or any joke i frowned at instead of smiling.

these people dont have that power over me. they arent my mother. they arent my boss, and if they are i can fuck off and get a new job if necessary. they dont have financial control over my living space and food and schooling and physical control of where i can go and with who and for how long. I CONTROL THAT. I do.

Huh. maybe thats why i want a van so bad. i mean... when this lease ends if nobody is gonna end up living with me...

i could just... live in my car and shower at truck stops. get a storage unit for my stuff. save by driving jobs. like 40 to 60 a day. tear out my cars back, insulate it, and install my mattress pad there. water on the floor, cooler next to it, wooden cutting coard, knife, single camping plateware set, and another little shelf for spices. maybe a hot plate i can hook up to the car battery? get a long enough usb and it might be doable. i could go camping and open the trunk to just... vibe.

because yeah, honestly? i dont plan on having a solid apartment for a bit. like a long bit. and i still have like 70000 miles on my car before itll want to go. and by that point, even at like 100 miles a day, thats like 2 years, less if i go cross country in that vehicle. i could save up SO MUCH for a better vehicle, or like. college. live on campus, get some credit, continue working after i figure out want i want to do.

i think thats a solid plan, even if i dont get another apartment and put everything in storage. work as i need to instead of all the time for rent, really only paying for gas, car repairs, car ins, food, and phone data/hotspot internet... that would bring my monthly expenses down to like 500 a month max instead of like 1400. id only need to make some 1000 a month doing contract stuff to save for taxes and stuff. anything extra would be just that: extra for savings and things. holy shit.

depending on how this next month goes for my friends, holy s h i t.

i. i might do this. legitimately.

i. dont think i can yet. i need proof of address to get my license im pretty sure? but hey, thatll be my 21st this year, so. once i have that i wont need a new address for a While. i dont know if ill want one, really.

i could always just ask a friend or family member if i could use theirs for mail that cant go to a PO box.

anyway. yeah. wow.

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iwriteficsandmore · 4 years

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As a Villain Stan Chapter 266 broke me, did you think Hawks was capable of doing something like this? I've always seen him as little more... chill and relaxed? i guess? i didn't think he'd actually go for the kill, especially as we havent seen heroes do that before in the series (I mean look at AFO, he is the worst of the worst and they just locked him up). I think this is a big turn in the series if we're actually going to have each side kill each other

Oh, I like this ask! Okie, here’s my scattered thoughts organized a bit, hope you can make sense of them :) For those who’re up to reading this (if it wasn’t obvious by the ask) this will contain spoilers for ch266. I know it’s out officially already but some may not have read it/be caught up to it. Also, in case I dive in to some not so savory topics, do practice discretion. You’ve been forewarned!

Okay, so I’ve separated this answer into 3 parts for you so it’s easier to digest and read :) Pardon the grammar and stuff! Also I realized how freaking long it got after writing so I’m gonna just leave it under ‘read more’.

1. Hawks’ killing someone.

Short answer: yes. It’s always been in the back of my mind that Hawks is capable of such a thing. Setting headcanons aside as much as I’m able to, if we look into his background, the guy was basically indoctrinated into the whole ‘hero’ business. Though a vague comparison and quite a stretch, it kind of reminded me of child soldiers and how’re their trained from a young age for the one purpose. A single difference I see is that Hawks is capable of individual thought. That is to say, he isn’t totally lost his sense of self because of his upbringing as the commission’s trained ‘hero’. But the way I’ve seen it through canon, that same sense of self was greatly shaped by the way he was saved.

Take for example how he says he wants a world where hero’s have more free time than they know what to with thing. The way I’ve seen it, is that it’s a singular idea coming from his experiences, shaped by the life he’s led but in itself shaped by what they’ve made him out to be. If he were a normal hero (i.e. had wanted to become one by his own volition and gone through the whole ordeal like any other kid like the kids from UA or Shiketsu), sure he’d want peace but I highly doubt it’d be so the world and people could rest easy. The way I see it (and this is with the knowledge that we truly don’t know what his own intentions are), if villains are gone and heroes have more free time, it’d allow him freedom that he’s never experienced since the time he got picked up by the Public Hero Comm.

I’ll stop at this example since I’m starting to dig into my own headcanon, but this is what I’ve got so far. I’m not one to overanalyze but given what little we know about his past and upbringing and coupled with the way he was ‘raised’ to be a hero, I was prepared for him to do what he believes has to be for the sake of what mission he’s given. His whole purpose in life has been to be a hero, and what does a hero do? They assure the safety of the populace regardless of the cost. Be that cost come from them or the minority that will be hurt by what they do.

2. Ideology of Heroes and Villains.

As for the point that we haven’t seen a hero do that before, I completely agree. We haven’t. But imo that’s the brilliance of this chapter and overall the build-up we’ve seen to this arc. That is taking into account that Twice has indeed been killed by Hawks (cuz there’s a small part of me that thinks maybe, just maybe he’s still alive. I really like the fellow TwT).

The idea we have of a hero (especially someone like Hawks who, as you said, has’t given off that ‘image’) is a makeshift idea that we’ve had ingrained into us. It’s funny how innately we are aware of the definition of heroes and villains without bothering to think where or how that idea itself formed in our heads. Heroes do the right thing, they are good, and that, by proxy, means not killing. Villains are, by lack of a better word, the bad guys. They hurt others, they’re selfish, and by extension, they’re capable of killing. It’s what the media and other mediums of entertainment have taught us with their archetypes.

But it’s something that, through this chapter and arc, has been cracked in the minds of some and completely broken in the minds of others. Idk if you’re aware (and if i’ve heard things right) about how some Hawks stans are starting to drop him after this chapter and after what he did to Twice. Frankly, I couldn’t care less about those people, but they’re reaction is something that interested me quite a bit. More so the way, they could make such a split second decision with the one action. This is why I’m freaking loving this arc. After ‘my villain academia’ arc, Hori has given us a reason to care about these characters. About Toga, about Twice, about Compress, about Spinner, about Dabi, and especially about Shigaraki. But let’s cut the middle man out and go straight into the one that got this whole ball rolling: Twice. I’ve been in love with the League ever since the Overhaul arc, because since then is when I saw how this little group of misfits was starting to become a wholesome family unit. You saw a little of that in the Kamino arc but imo it started way back in the Overhaul arc. Since then we’ve been implanted with little reasons to like these characters and empathize with them and it was all in preparation for the a grand, bombastic punch in the gut that was the Meta Liberation Army arc. Imo, this chapter may have looked like the turning point, and it may have certainly been, but the damn match that started it all was that arc. It gave readers a reason to care about ‘the others’ and instead of villains, we now have this idea of people ostracized by a society that didn’t give them the opportunity to be themselves. That arc dealt with the cemented idea of ‘villains’.

This chapter dealt the blow to the other side of this coin. Hawks killing Twice, a person we’ve seen to be the product of the very world and society the heroes upheld, was the last drop to shatter the idea of them being all good. We’ve seen/heard of villains killing heroes, but, as you said, we haven’t been privy of the idea of heroes killing villains in this story. And even if we had, that’s not what made this the huge deal that it became. It’s not because it happened that the community is shocked, but because it happened to a character we love. That we became attached to. That we came to know.

Think of it this way. It’s the same reason why it pained us when Nighteye died. We knew Nighteye’s motivations, his hopes, his dreams for the future. And though we knew a little bit of Overhaul, we had been most exposed to Nighteye’s pov. This time, that got turned around on us. Yes, we love Hawks (I stan the damn birb brain) but we don’t really know him. We know the hero, we don’t know the person. Twice, on the other hand, we’ve known the villain. We’ve knew him as Twice when he first got introduced and then got to know him as Bubaigawara Jin. We got to know the person, not just the villain. And it was a shock to see that person die by the hands of what amounts to a completely stranger.

Sorry I’ve gone overboard but I just freaking love this arc for the gut punch it’s serving. It’s quite a simple story writing technique if you strip it down to its bare bones. You give the character importance and it gives weight to their existence. And once you’ve got that weight added, it’s easy to toy around with it. It can make us cheer for them, hate them, empathize with them, and, as is in this case, pain us when they’re gone.

3. Turning point

Like I said before, I agree this is a turning point, not so much for the story but for the stakes involved. We care about both sides, we’ve become attached. So in the end, no matter if more are to die and more to the point, who kills who if it comes down to it, we are gonna get the damn feels of a lifetime. I don’t doubt there’s gonna be losses from both sides. Losses we are gonna mourn like hell. And, if I’m being completely honest though I hope against hope that I’m wrong, I am preparing myself mentally to see Hawks die or be physically handicapped after this arc. If he isn’t, holy crap will that have been the most tense arc of the story for me. If he does, well, I think we’ll be as saddened by it too.

Well that’s as much as I’ve got. Hope it answered your question is a little bit :D I don’t usually write meta-commentary but it was fun to do this :3

#evie #meta analysis #meta #bnha #bnha ch266 #bnha spoilers #bnha hawks #bnha twice #bnha keigo takami #hawks #twice #bnha jin bubaigawara #jin bubaigawara #takami keigo

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karmaistheguyonthe1975 · 5 years

Text

Yeah? Yeah.

Heyyyyyyy this is my gift for @coniello, who I got in the @sincerely-us gift exchange! Sorry I’m posting this so late in the day. The prompt was Evan and Jared going on a road trip, but they’re in a fight so they kinda have to bond again. It was fun to write!

This weekend was going to be... less than ideal, to say the very least. It was supposed to be fun, according to both Evan and Jared’s mothers, and according to the two boys themselves up until a few months ago.

A trip to a waterpark, the same one where they had shared their sixth birthday party, that had been planned for a year. But now, due to f**k-ups on both their parts, they had barely spoken a word to each other in over two months. A small fight over what movie to watch had turned into a shouting match that brought up every disagreement they had had for the past five years.

Of course, they could hardly tell that to their mothers. So there they were, stuck next to each other in a car for two and a half hours and facing two nights in a hotel room together. On top of that, they couldn’t ignore each other. They had to act as if they were still best friends. G r e a t.

The air between them was thick, and you could practically cut the tension with a knife. Both boys were desperate for some opportunity to relieve it, but unsure of how to.

‘I’m sorry,’ Evan typed into his notes, drafting a message that was likely never going to be sent. ‘I shouldn’t have said anything that I did, and I shouldn’t have accused you of lying about your camp friends. I’m sorry I’ve been forcing my presence on you throughout high school, I know you really don’t want to hang out with me, which is understandable. So yeah... I’m sorry.’

He copy-pasted it into his messages with Jared, staring at the send button and running through every situation he could think of if he sent it and if he didn’t.

Then something popped up on the screen: a meme. From Jared.

Evan deleted his message, instead sending a simple ‘Was that supposed to go to me?’

‘yes?’ Jared replied. ‘who else would it have gone to’

‘Oh... Aren’t you mad still?’

‘arent u?’

Evan glanced over at him, a confused look on his face. ‘No? I’m the one who messed up.’ He heard Jared snort a little.

‘havent changed at all i see. u arent the only one who messed up’

‘Jared, I accused you of lying about your camp friends purely because I was jealous of them.’

‘just shut up we both did a Big No accept it’

Evan laughed out loud. ‘I’m just... still sorry.’

‘well stop. like now’

Evan looked over and smiled at him. ‘Fine.’

Jared smirked back, but there was no trace of malice in it. ‘loser,’ he replied.

The rest of the three-hour drive was filled with memes, small-talk, and laughing, and, although it was slightly awkward, neither boy had been happier in a while.

“Okay, boys,” Heidi sighed once they were at the doors of the hotel rooms, trying to support the weight of her packed bags. “Make sure you don’t go to bed too late and meet us in the lobby for breakfast at...” She looked around, waiting for someone else to suggest a time.

“Nine?” Mrs. Kleinman offered.

“Yes, nine,” Heidi confirmed. “That sound good?”

“Yeah,” Evan replied. “Thanks, Mom.” Jared just finger-gunned.

“See you in the morning,” Ms. Kleinman said, opening the door of the room that she and Heidi were sharing.

“See ya!” Jared called, swinging into his own room and pulling Evan in by the elbow.

Evan leaned against the door uncomfortably, biting his lip and looking anywhere other than Jared’s eyes. The car was much easier than this. He could easily avoid eye-contact in the car, only having to look ahead, or out the window. “So...” he tried. “How are you?” Mentally, he scolded himself. God, that was such a stupid question. “I mean like how have you been? Because obviously we’ve been talking for a while and I know... s**t sorry, I’m bad at this.”

Jared laughed and threw himself into the crappy hotel room couch. “Evan, chill out,” he said. “Like seriously.”

“Right,” Evan mumbled. “Sorry- I mean, um...”

“I get it,” Jared interrupted, holding out his hand. “Do you like... want to put your s**t down and sit? You’re allowed to do that.”

Evan looked down and realized he was indeed still holding his bags, suddenly becoming aware of the ache in his arms. “Oh, right.” He placed his bags in a neat pile by the beds, a contrast to the haphazardly stacked ones that Jared had merely tossed onto the bed he’d claimed as his own. He still didn’t sit, though, even when Jared gestured questioningly at the couch.

“Made a college decision yet?” Jared asked. “You didn’t know, last we talked.”

Evan nodded. “I’m gonna take a year to save up, then I’m probably going to do some kind of biology, maybe. Staying close to home, though. You were gonna go... somewhere in Montana, right?”

“Montana State,” Jared agreed. “Computer science. I got a s**t-ton of scholarships, too.” Although you wouldn’t guess it upon first, second, or third impressions of him, Jared was freakishly smart, maintaining a 4.0 in high school despite sleeping through class 50% of the time and regularly skipping.

Evan smiled. “That’s- I’m really happy for you, that’s really great.”

“It’s school,” Jared grumbled. “I don’t know why I’m paying to go. I should be paid to go.”

As Jared complained, his face shifted into a childish frown. The expression reminded Evan of when they were in middle school, including some, ahem, certain feelings that tended to pop up when a hormonal and bisexual 8th grader had a smart, funny... kind of cute-

Oh, S**T! Evan thought. Those feelings we’re supposed to have been kicked to curb years ago. But apparently not.

“Ev,” Jared called, snapping his fingers. “Earth to acorn.”

Evan looked at him (well, more like started paying attention to him. He had been staring after all). “Yeah? Sorry, I, um... I zoned out. Sorry.”

“You were staring at me,” Jared informed bluntly. “I mean, who could blame you, I am gorgeous, but-”

“No I wasn’t!” Evan lied.

“You were.”

“No!”

“Fine then, keep your crush repressed,” Jared teased, both projecting onto Evan and being characteristically oblivious.

Evan turned pink. “I...”

Jared cracked up. “You’re such a dork!” he wheezed.

“I am not!” Evan protested. “You’re the dork.”

In response, Jared held up a finger as he dug through his pockets, finally pulling out a crumpled yellow card. “Uno reverse card,” he smirked.

“You-” Evan said. “You just keep that in your pocket?!”

“Yep,” Jared replied, popping the p.

Finally, Evan sat on the couch, although he remained tense. “I like hanging out with you,” he mumbled, having a momentary burst of courage that left him with immense amounts of regret. “Oh my God, that was so weird, I’m sorry! I just meant like, you know-”

“Evan,” Jared said, trying to stop the word vomit.

“Because we fought and we have talked in months I just missed you, you know? And I-”

“Evan!” Jared repeated, louder, which successfully silenced him. “I know what you mean. You don’t have to explain yourself. I missed you too. I shouldn’t have been such an a*shole during high school.”

Evan smiled weakly. “It’s okay.”

Jared smiled back. “Star Wars?” he asked.

“Oh God,” Evan laughed. “We haven’t watched those since we hung out every weekend in 8th grade.”

“You haven’t,” Jared corrected. “I’m not a heathen, I still watch them regularly.”

“Whatever. Let’s do it.”

One movie later, they had assumed a position in which Jared’s head was resting on Evan’s shoulder and their hands were touching in an effort to make the computer stay steady. Jared stretched a little and looked up at Evan, who had a slight glow surrounding his head from the lights shining through his blond hair. Would it be gay to kiss him? Jared asked himself. YES IT WOULD BE GAY, IDIOT!

Holy s**t, he was actually considering this. He had never been known for being open with his feelings, opting instead for sudden outbursts and passive-aggressive remarks. But lately, he had been doing better. He wasn’t as mean, at least, and slightly less scared of feelings. “Evan...?” he said finally, an audible shake in his voice.

“Yeah?” Evan asked, staring at the space between Jared’s eyes, which was the closest he could comfortably get to eye-contact.

Jared’s hands began to shake slightly, never a good sign. “Can I... s**t...”

Evan moved so he was entirely sat up, taking hold of Jared’s forearm to calm him down. “Jared,” he murmured. “Breathe.” Panic attacks, and the preceding moments, were something that Evan had more experience with than he would care to admit. But in situations like this is was undeniably helpful to know how to deal.

Jared frantically searched Evan’s face for a sign of... something. His eyes moved like those of a caged animal, darting back and forth, even though his body was frozen. Finally, possessed by some other force, he pressed his lips up against Evan’s, staying stiffly there for a moment before realizing what he had done and pulling away.

Evan stared blankly at him for a moment, entirely dumbfounded, before leaning down to repeat it. Jared kissed back momentarily, but pulled away and looked down after a minute.

“Sorry,” Evan muttered. “I shouldn’t have... I didn’t mean to... crap, I messed this all up, didn’t I?”

Jared distanced himself from Evan, giving him a few inches of space. After a few moments of silence, he spoke quietly. “Was that okay?”

“Was it okay with you?” Evan responded, his usual stutter gone and replaced by a shaky, quiet tone.

“If it was with you... yeah.”

“It was,” Evan replied hesitantly.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Jared looked over at him, biting his lip to refrain from a hopeful smile. He placed his hand half of the distance between them, letting Evan decide whether or not to take it.

Evan moved his hand to cover Jared’s. “Yeah?” he asked, repeating Jared’s question.

“Yeah,” Jared echoed.

And there they sat, comfortably silent, the same thought running through both their heads.

Maybe this trip won’t be so bad.

#deh #kleinsen #jared kleinman #evan hansen #dear evan hansen #sincerely us

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normal-thoughts-official · 5 years

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Ok a more specific prompt, coffee shop au with Malec and claia 😌

this is nowhere near specific and you damn well know it, anon. i appreciate u trying to find an excuse to throw coffee shop aus everywhere, tho. keep doing the lord's work even if i will inevitably twist the prompt

Magnus works at a small, local coffee shop as a barista. It's not exactly his #1 job choice, but it pays better than big chain coffee shops and he needs that to pay rent now that he officially left his abusive father's home for good. Also, he is kind of a coffee enthusiast and the owner, Ragnor, lets him go wild with making up new drinks and ingredients, as long as he still does his job.

All in all it's a good job and he considers the old fart and the other barista, maia, to be like family. Ragnor frequently gives them coffee and Maia constantly teases him about being a "coffee scientist" whenever she catches him thoughtfully drinking from a cup and scribbling notes on his notepad, like some ancient being

His recipes are good, though, and he knows exactly where to get the best coffee beans for the best price. So their drinks are good, affordable, and can please everyone from the traditional "black coffee no sugar" exec to the teenager who wants more of a milkshake than actual coffee

As a result, the shop thrives, gets more popular, and gets more clients. So Ragnor decides to hire a new barista to help. Because he's secretly a sweetheart, he ends up hiring this broke college kid who just moved into town to get away from his kinda toxic family and has nowhere to go - and also doesnt have a single ounce of experience as a barista

It's not surprising; both Magnus and Maia share similar stories, with some abusive exes to spice up the mix, not to mention racism, biphobia, and, in Magnus case, male behavior standarts keeping most opportunities closed for them. So they're cool with that. Even if it means Magnus will have to be the one to teach him, because 1- Ragnor is a dick and assigned him to be Alec's special "tutor" as retribution for Magnus calling him "an old, heart of butter bastard"; 2- he's the one who's best qualified to teach him since he knows a lot about coffee and coffee making anyway; 3- Maia has no patience

Quick detour just to say that i love the maia/magnus brotp opportunities this gives. While Magnus is more of a coffee scientist as she puts it, Maia has an almost instictive understanding of drink making. Where Magnus is soft, she's fierce, and they make one hell of a team and are good at balancing one another. They bond over their experiences with abuse; while Magnus' has made him afraid to put his foot down and say what he wants and prioritize himself, Maia's has made her particularly wary of people and even less willing to take anyone's bullshit, and both of these coping mechanisms have their own effects on their psyche, and they're able to talk openly to each other about it. Maia is kind of protective of Magnus and vice-versa, though the way they protect each other is very different. They have an easy companionship and bantering dynamic that's easygoing and cute, theyre both passionate about their interests (Maia loves marine biology and even if Magnus doesnt know much about it he loves listening to her talk about it) and just generally have that kind of relationship where just smiling at each other makes a tough day seem lighter. Also Magnus loves making Maia laugh. Maia blatantly refuses to laugh at any of his self-deprecating jokes, tho, which has considerably diminished the amount of times he makes them

Anyway Alec comes in for his first day and Magnus is like [REDACTED] because shit this man is cute. Maia notices immediately and from then on the teasing doesn't stop

He's quick to recover, tho, and suddenly he's all smooth again (Maia says he's perfected his customer service persona to horror movie levels), quick to introduce himself and Maia to Alec and explain that he'll be training Alec for the next few weeks or so. He gives him a tour of the shop, explains the basics, and immediately launches into his slightly extra More Serious Than Strictly Necessary course on the makings and workings of coffee, from bean selection to ideal temperature and the chemistry behind the cooking.

This absolute dork even had a small table with some coffee made from different kinds of beans so Alec could taste them and learn the difference and Engage with the profession or some shit

Maia just rolls her eyes, thankful that she had prior experience before getting this job and didnt have to go through this

The first thing he learns about Alec: Alec doesn't like coffee. This is not a setback. Many people dont like coffee, but that's because they're used to regular powdered coffee instead of making it from the bean. Because the beans in powdered coffee arent previously selected, they are roasted harder than they should, so any beans that might have gone bad wont spoil the taste or make you sick. As a result, the coffee is way too bitter and doesn't have a discernible taste. He explains all of this enthusiastically to a slightly overwhelmed Alec, and gets on to making him try the samples so he can feel the difference.

Here's the second thing he learns about Alec: Alec doesn't feel the difference

Despair. Horror. Offense.

Alec even kind of chuckles and goes "sorry" at the face he makes, and a not-pouting Magnus goes on with the planned explanation on bean selection

Third thing he learns about Alec: he's a quick study. Everything he lacks in sensibility to the amazing world of bean juice, he makes up for in his careful attentiveness to the instructions. He is also a strict recipe-follower and makes sure he always uses the exact amounts required. He's an absolute perfectionist. He listens to Magnus' explanations on how to know if the taste is right, to look for color and texture of the mix. Magnus tries his simple coffees and only needs a few corrections to send him on the right path

The first time Alec makes him something more complicated to try (per his request) Magnus wants to die

It's so good

Scratch that, it's perfect

This soulless motherfucker doesn't even like coffee and this is the single best version of whatever crazy frapuccino shit they're making magnus has ever tried

He kind of bursts from the kitchen (?) all like MAIA YOU HAVE TO TRY THIS just in time to interrupt her chatting with this redhead new customer with shiny eyes. Maia is leaning all the way across the counter. What is this

Maia agrees that it's very good but again he's not as passionate about coffee and Magnus just interrupted what would have been a really smooth number-giving move so she's not feeling all that generous

Alec just laughs at that. His eyes are shining with amusement and he's very, very pleased that Magnus likes his stuff

It's not a big secret, really; mixing drinks is kind of like patisserie in the sense that the measures need to be exact to achieve the best taste and texture. He follows the recipe to a fault, it turns out good. That's why he's better at the more complicated, instagram-y drinks than the simple coffee types

Alec "graduates" his training pretty soon after that and Ragnor is very pleased

He gets along well with both Magnus and Maia, even if he's more quiet and sometimes catches himself just laughing at the two of them interact; their friendship is something else. But he also gets to hear a "shut up" from Maia after not saying absolutely anything when the redhead walks in again the very next day

The redhead always comes in a little late in the morning, so its always slow. As a result, they get to pretend to be minding their own business as they hear the two of them chat and oof is the romantic tension between them something. Maia glares at them once the girl - Clary - leaves every time, but it doesn't stop them

Soon Maia is calling them "no-good gossiping grandmas" because of the way Magnus and Alec will go to the back and pretend to be making something while they keep a whispered running commentary on what the girls are talking about. This quickly turns into some sort of race to see who can make the other break and laugh out loud. Neither of them ever do (they are trying to be discreet and Maia would kill them) but oftentimes they need to cover their mouths with their hands and playfully slap each other for the teasing

Clary doesn't even realize she's the reason; she kind of just thinks they are constantly flirting on the back and briefly wonders how they havent been fired when all they do is whisper and make eyes at each other

Not that she has any room to talk when she's late to work everyday because she keeps cracking jokes with the cute curly haired barista with the most beautiful lopsided smile who always makes her laugh and tells her about her day while she drinks her coffee. She's lucky her work starts at 10 so she can go in a little later and doesnt have to be there during rush hours, but still

She doesnt even like coffee, she walked in one day cuz she was really tired and then just kept coming in the hopes that the barista would make a move on her (shes not gonna do it herself, at least not in her workplace. She doesn't want to make her uncomfortable and it's still unclear whether the girl is flirting or if shes just really nice)

At some point she and Maia even start sharing knowing looks to Alec and Magnus and laughing at them. They don't even notice, because their designated Making Fun Of Maia time turned into just cracking jokes at each other way too quickly. They don't even remember there are other people there

Maia does finally ask clary out eventually. She wasn't exactly nervous about doing it, it's more that she enjoyed their little routine. But enough is enough, and when their routine starts involving Clary giving her a quick kiss before placing her order, well, it just makes it better

Magnus and Alec coo every time

Eventually Maia snaps all like "why are you guys the one poking fun at me when im the one who made a move instead of being a coward"

Magnus is all like "Whatever could she possibly mean??"

It dawns on him when hes closing up the next day and Alec has already left. He has a crush on Alec. Oh god. Oh fuck

Maia helpfully says "idiot" and leaves

Some Magnus being very nervous and overthinking his relationship with Alec who's all like ???????? about this

Alec goes to his sister about his new crush who suddenly started acting weird and izzy is all like "stop trying to guess what he's thinking because you're terrible at this. Just tell them how you feel" and Alec is like okay

He asks Magnus out

Everyone is happy and gay idk the end

✨ feel free to use this and any other one of my posts as a prompt ✨

#ask #anonymous #sh #shadowhunters #maia roberts #magnus bane #ragnor fell #alec lightwood #clary fray #clary fairchild #malec #izzy lightwood #lightwood siblings #claia #long post #brotp: never trust a stingy warlock *gives u 100 dollars*

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trashpandakat · 4 years

Text

UNKNOWN :

There are things people dont know about me, and its irrational to think that I can go my entire life keeping it all to myself, but thats no way to live and thats not something I want to endure.. so here goes nothing.

I like the color Green. Growing up I struggled with having a favorite color- I spent some time going from one color to another, but as I have gotten older, I like green. Green comes in so many natural shades. It signifies change, spring, summer, new growth, new accomplishments- another trip around the sun. My mom had a green thumb, and as ive gotten older ive really taken over the love for free oxygen.

The small things mean more than the big things.... ive had hand written notes mean more to me than a $200 dinner. I have a sweet spot for all the hand written notes, the tickle fights, the cuddeling till we fall asleep, even just holding hands. Growing up I always thought it would be cool to be that rich girl who can go and do anything in life- and I still believe some of my biggest accomplishments are ahead of me, but if im stuck on the East coast my whole life... well, ill be happy.

I dont care about money. When you die you cant take it with you and no amount of money can give you the love and compassion that an actual person can bring you. I much rather have quality in human connection than fame and wealth. If you chose money over a relationship, you lost.

I grew up in one town for my entire life. I moved when I was 22.. Do I regret it? Every day. Would I go back? No. My new home brings me an opportunity I never would have accepted under other cirumstances. I have made new friends.. When you hear about how crap you've been for so long- you kind of start to think things really are your fault- even if they are just mad... you can only hear the same words so many times before they become apart of you. Deep deep down I still have the Asheville Hippy Mentality.. but in my heart- im an explorer. I like to see new things and experience new places. Sue me.

I found no comfort in my life until I was 21. My entire life I was raised as a spoiled bratt- at least thats what my grandmother and my family thinks.. even my friends in school thought I was rich and loaded but really, we where just as bad off as them. What people havent seen is the catastrophic events my sister imposed on my entire family.. week after week, day after day. For.. well, 19 years of my life..and then some. Torture was an understatement- she ruled the house. She did what she wanted. She made my parents nonexistant, so you can probably imagine the shit I endured. Now a'days things are pretty smooth... expect for my mentality to be able to trust- thats been pretty fucked in the ass.. but every day I battle with the fact that I was never really that important to my family, so why should anyone else try and change that? Especially an insignificant boy?!

Extremes. Im either extremely manic and having a whole glorious day with zero clouds- or im a ticking time bomb that is activated by water and MANNNN it pours on some days. Its really a get what you get kind of thing- but its also a life long battle- so its not like things are new there. Just learning to adjust for adulthood.

Kids. Man this one is touchy... really touchy.. but Its still apart of me.. Last year I lost a child.. It was unplanned and unexpected- but that doesnt make the pain and greif any less antagonizing. I dont like the baby section in stores... I dont like to use handicap stalls cause the changing table makes me cry. My nephews mean even more to me and it hurts cause I cant see them much. I dont know if ill ever try again... that was a scary and painful situation.. I dont think I could do it again.. even with the best person..

I dont like to give up. I admit that i make mistakes, im human... but come on. Some times you just gotta accept that you did try your hardest there in the end .. just because it didn't work doesnt make you less of a person. I fear failure... and its alright.. cause if I didnt fear it id have nothing to gain by faceing it.

Im usually an open book. The only things I find sensitive is close to nothing. Im a Scorpio and we thrive off being alone and giving hard truths.. but when calm, can be the best companion.

KME

#plants #green #personal #sad words #writing #gifted #sad edit #tumblr #me #myself #grasp #things i cant say

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mikami · 6 years

Note

Something has been bothering me; People talk about Light and Light Kira and how Light Kira is the one who's evil and not the former one. Could it be that the death note could bring out the worst from the user, unlocking the dark potency they had been carrying around all this time but weren't aware unless opportunity presented itself or circumstances molded in a certain way? And does this apply on Misa and Mikami as well? Sorry in advance if you have already addressed this question.

I mean, it kind of does? But there’s nothing supernatural about that.

People can murder. That’s a potential that is inherent in every single one of us. If the circumstances are right, we could all end a human life. The world isn’t split into people with and people without the capacity for evil. Every single human being is capable of being cruel. Assuming that those who commit atrocities are somehow fundamentally different from us, born with some kind of ‘evil gene’, is short-sightened and an easy way to absolve yourself from responsibility of checking yourself and the people around you. It turns evil into something that you ‘couldn’t have stopped anyway’.

Light, Mikami and Misa before they find the Death Note are all ordinary people. Not necessarily the nicest, not necessarily the most morally upstanding, but totally ordinary. They haven’t committed any crimes and there would be no reason to regard them as dangerous.

You can’t judge them based on crimes they would hypothetically maybe be capable of committing and that they would likely never have committed without the Death Note. If we’d judge everyone on the crimes they maybe could take part in in the future, we’d all be felons.

The Death Note doesn’t hold any kind of supernatural influence over anyone. It simply provides a way to murder and get away with it. That’s what it does.

In Light’s case, his initial murders were accidental. He had no reason to assume the Death Note was a real supernatural object (just like kids who play with ouija boards still do it despite not really thinking they’ll summon spirits) and by the time Light confirms that the Death Note is the real deal, he’s got a body count of two. And THAT is what changes him. Not the notebook, but the experience of having killed. People’s personalities and morals shift with life experiences

Light spends the entire rest of canon trying to justify these two murders and trying to prove to himself that he’s not a bad person for having committed them.

Misa and Mikami are…. actually less sympathetic cases, haha.

Mikami splits mentally. Murders with the Death Note don’t count as murder to him because they’re supernaturally powered and thus a religious act of purifying instead of a worldly crime - without the notebook, this split couldn’t happen and he’d never kill. But that’s not something the notebook supernaturally enhances, that’s just how Mikami himself is as a person, based on his circumstances.

Misa’s already been totally detached from the value of human life before she ever got the Death Note - the deaths of her parents definitely play a part in that. Misa just genuinely doesn’t value lives and that doesn’t change when she is not in possession of the Death Note. Look at her murderous memoryless self:

She as well would have probably never killed anybody without the Death Note, because the Death Note really makes it uniquely easy to get away with murder, but the baseline of her personality is the exact same with or without it.

#answers #luna thinks #death note

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the-desolated-quill · 6 years

Text

Quill’s Swill - The Worst Of 2018

Congratulations dear reader. You survived 2018. And you know what that means. It’s time for another best of/worst of list. Welcome to Quill’s Swill 2018. A giant septic tank for the various shit the entertainment industry produced over the course of the year. The films, games, TV shows and various other media that got on my bad side. As always please bear in mind that this is only my subjective opinion (if you happen to like any of the things on this list, good for you. I’m glad someone did) and that obviously I haven’t seen everything 2018 has to offer for one reason or another. In other words, sorry that Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes Of Grindelwald isn’t on here. I’m sure it is as terrible as some have been suggesting. I just never got around to watching it.

Okay everyone. Grab your breathing masks and put on your rubber gloves. Let’s dive into this shit pile.

Hold The Sunset

The news that John Cleese would be returning to the world of BBC sitcoms was incredibly exciting, being a massive Fawlty Towers fan and all. Unfortunately Hold The Sunset was not quite what I had in mind. It’s one of those rare breed of situation comedies that chooses to offer no actual comedy. It’s not a sitcom. It’s a sit. Like Scrubs or The Big Bang Theory.

An elderly couple plan to elope abroad only for Alison Steadman’s son to barge in, having left his wife, and forcing them to put their plans on hold. Hence the title ‘Hold The Sunset.’ It’s like a cross between As Time Goes By and Sorry, but if all the humour and relatability were surgically removed by a deadpan mortician. The characters are weak, the plots are thin on the ground and the humour (hat little of it there is) feel incredibly dated. The middle aged mummy’s boy is something that hasn’t been funny since the 90s. It’s an utter waste of great talent and what hurts even more is that this tripe is actually getting a second series. I can only assume the people watching this are comatose. Either that or there’s an epidemic of people in Britain who have lost the remote.

Avengers: Infinity War

Yes this is one of the worst movies of 2018 and no I don’t regret saying that one little bit. Avengers: Infinity War was fucking terrible. Period. There were too many plots and characters going on, which made the film hard to follow (and what staggers me is that the so called ‘professional’ critics have condemned movies for having too many characters and plots before. Spider-Man 3, The Amazing Spider-Man 2, Batman vs Superman: Dawn Of Justice and even Deadpool 2. But because this is an MCU movie, it gets a free pass. Fuck off). The characterisation was weak due to sheer number of characters they try to juggle, resulting in characters coming off as one dimensional caricatures of themselves and scenes where characters such as Iron Man, Doctor Strange and Star-Lord sound completely interchangeable. The villain, Thanos, is a stupidly and poorly written villain, but that’s hardly surprising considering what a shit job Marvel have done building him up over the course of these 20+ movies. And let’s not forget that pisstake ending. A bunch of prominent Marvel characters die and it’s all very, very sad... except all these characters just so happen to have sequels planned, which makes this ending fucking pointless and have less impact than a feather on a bouncy castle.

I don’t know which is more shocking. That Marvel and Disney think their audience are that stupid and gullible, or that their audience are actually validating their view. Fuck you Disney.

Harry Potter: Hogwarts Mystery

I’ve always wanted a Harry Potter RPG, where you could customise your character, choose your house and actually live a full school life at Hogwarts. This year, Warner Bros and Jam City gave us just that.

That was a mistake.

Harry Potter: Hogwarts Mystery is the epitome of everything that’s wrong with the mobile gaming market right now. The gameplay is boring and involving where you just tap images on a screen until a progress bar fills up. Wizard duels are little more than rock-paper-scissors challenges that require no kind of skill. Bonding with friends and caring for magical creatures just consist of pathetically simple pop quizzes and yet more boring tapping. Oh and of course you only get a certain amount of energy to complete these tedious tasks. If you run out of energy, you wait for it to fill up... or pay up for the privilege. So determined are they to extract your hard earned cash from your wallet, there’s actually a bit where Devil’s Snare strangles your eleven year old avatar and the game effectively tries to guilt trip you into paying micro-transactions to save them. It’s sleazy, gross and manipulative. Honestly, you’re better off just playing Candy Crush.

Agony

When the developers of this game said they wanted to give the player a trip through Hell, they had no idea how true that statement really was. Agony is dreadful on a number of levels. The design for Hell itself, while visually interesting at times, is often not very practical and gets quite dull and repetitive after a while. The stealth mechanics are a joke and the AI of your demonic enemies are pitiful. All of this alone would have been enough to put this game on the list, but then we also have the casual misogyny. Agony is a gorefest trying desperately to shock the player. We see men and woman get tortured, but it’s the women that often get the extreme end. The violence inflicted on them is often sexual in nature and the game seems to go out of its way to degrade and dehumanise women at every turn. The orgasmic cries of ‘pull it out’ quickly become a staple of the game’s experience as we see naked women raped, tortured and murdered, all for the purposes of ‘entertainment.’

I would call Agony sexist, but honestly that would be giving it too much credit. Agony is like a little child trying desperately to be all dark and edgy in a pathetic attempt to impress everyone around him, and we should treat it as such. Go to your room Agony. No ice cream for you.

Peter Rabbit

If you listen closely, you can hear the sound of Beatrix Potter rotating in her grave.

Yes we have yet another live action/CGI hybrid, but instead of something innocuous like the Smurfs or Alvin and the Chipmunks, Sony instead decides to adapt Peter Rabbit, with James Corden in the title role.

It’s about as bad as you’d expect.

Their attempts to modernise the story are painful to say the least with pop culture references, inappropriate adult humour and twerking rabbits. Plus rather than the gentle, but slightly mischievous character we got in the source material, here Peter is a sociopathic delinquent who seems to revel in making the farmer’s life a living hell. He’s unlikable and unwatchable as far as I’m concerned and the film doesn’t in anyway earn the emotional moments it tries so desperately to sell to the audience. And the worst part is it’s getting a sequel.

Wait. Do you hear that sound? That’s the sound of Beatrix Potter tearing out of the ground, ready to kill whatever idiot came up with this shit.

Fallout 76

I was excited for Fallout 76. A MMORPG where players band together to rebuild society after a nuclear apocalypse. Could have been great. Pity it wasn’t.

Fallout 76 is a dreadful game. Not only is it a buggy, glitchy mess that requires a constant online connection to play, which could result in you losing hours of progress if your WiFi went down, it’s also unbelievably tedious, and that’s because there’s nothing to do in the game. There’s no other characters to interact with, the various robots and computers you come across are really little more than quest givers, there’s no actual plot so to speak, and because of the sheer size of the world and the number of players allowed on a server, the chances of you actually meeting any actual players is remote. And let’s not forget all the behind the scenes drama. Bethesda falsely advertising Fallout themed canvas bags and players getting shitty nylon ones. Bethesda accidentally releasing the account information of various players trying to get a refund for said bag. Bethesda failing to program the year 2019 into the game code, meaning that the game’s nukes don’t work.

Maybe there’s a chance that Bethesda could pull a No Man’s Sky and fix everything over the coming years with various patches and DLCs, but the damage has already been done. It’s incredibly disappointing. The Elder Scrolls 6 is going to have be fucking incredible to win everyone back.

Mama Mia!: Here We Go Again

I can’t stand jukebox musicals anyway, but Mamma Mia was always one of the worst. Its boring, meandering story with its one note, obnoxious cast of characters screeching out ABBA songs like they’re at some drunken karaoke session at some poor sod’s hen party has always grated on my nerves. So imagine my delight when they announced we were getting a sequel. Ever wondered how Meryl Streep met her three lovers and founded her hotel? No? Well tough shit, we’re going to tell you anyway.

Mamma Mia: Here We Go Again is basically just Mamma Mia again. The actors still can’t sing, the characters are still annoying and story is still boring and meandering, completely at the mercy of the chosen songs rather than the filmmakers using the songs to compliment the story (you know? Like proper musicals do?).

How can I resist you? Very easily as it turns out. Gimme, gimme, gimme a fucking gun so I can end my misery.

The Cloverfield Paradox

A lot of people were unhappy about the direction Cloverfield was going. They wanted a continuation of the found footage, kaiju movie from 2008, not an anthology series. I was personally all in favour. Partially because I thought the first Cloverfield was a tad overrated, but mostly because I thought it would be a great opportunity for more experimental film projects and could be a great launchpad for new writers and filmmakers. 10 Cloverfield Lane was a great start. Then The Cloverfield Paradox happened.

The Cloverfield Paradox is basically JJ Abrams trying to have his cake and eat it too. Maintaining the anthology format whilst connecting everything together in a ‘shared universe’ (yes, yet another shared universe). The result was a cliched, poorly edited and idiotic mess of a film that actually took away from the previous two films rather than added to them. Everyone hated it and, as a result, 2018′s Overlord, which was totes going to be part of the Cloververse, was made its own standalone film and Abrams double pinky promised to make a true sequel to the original Cloverfield. A complete and total disaster. No wonder it was a straight-to-Netflix film.

The Handmaid’s Tale - Season 2

This is probably going to be the most controversial entry on the list, but please hear me out because I’m not the only one who has a problem with this season.

I was reluctant to watch The Handmaid’s Tale simply because of how gruesome the original book was, but I forced myself to watch the first season and I thought it was pretty good. It remained faithful to the source material for the most part and included some nice additions that helped to expand the story and mythos. If it was just a one off mini-series, everything would have been fine. But then they made the same mistake as The Man In The High Castle and Under The Dome did where they commissioned another season and attempted to tell a story that goes beyond the book.

There’s a reason why the original story ended where it did. The Handmaid’s Tale isn’t meant to be an empowering story about women sticking it to the patriarchy. It’s a cautionary tale about how fragile our civil rights truly are and how easily they can be taken away from us. It’s designed to shock, not to satisfy. So seeing a handmaid blow herself up in a suicide bombing feels very incongruous and just a little bit silly. It would be like doing a TV adaptation of George Orwell’s 1984 where the first season followed the source material and then the second season turned Winston Smith into this heroic freedom fighter trying to overthrow Big Brother. It would represent a fundamental misunderstanding of what the book was about in the first place.

And then of course there’s the increased level of violence in Season 2, which many have complained about. In Season 1 and the original source material, the violence was justified. In Season 2, the motivation behind the violence has gone from ‘how can we effectively demonstrate how easily a fascist patriarchy can happen in the West?’ to ‘what brutal act can we inflict upon Ofglen to shock the audience this week?’ It’s purely for shock and nothing more. And with the showrunner (who I feel I should mention is a man) announcing that he has planned ten seasons of this, it seems that The Handmaid’s Tale is going to go even further with this depravity until it effectively becomes the equivalent of a Saw film.

The Handmaid’s Tale exists as a way of shining light on and critiquing misogyny in its most extreme form. Season 2 however demonstrates that there is a serious risk of it becoming the very thing it’s criticising in the first place.

The Predator

I love the Predator franchise, but The Predator is the worst.

People thought that this would be good because director Shane Black had actually starred in the first Predator movie back in 1987. Instead we got this bloated, confusing, obnoxious and insulting mess of a film that seems to go out of its way to ruin everything that makes Predator so good. There’s no tension. No suspense. No intrigue. Just a bunch of gore, explosions and shitty one liners from annoying and lifeless characters. They essentially took this big alien game hunter from outer space and turned him into a generic monster from a bad summer blockbuster. It no longer hunts for sport. It wants to take over the world and splice our DNA with theirs. But don’t worry, a rogue Predator doesn’t want to kill humans (even though he himself kills a bunch of humans), so he gives us a Predator Iron Man suit to set up a sequel that will probably never happen because this movie was a box office bomb and it fucking SUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKKEEEEEDDDD!!!

This film also has a very nasty streak towards those with disabilities. There’s a lot of jokes at the expense of a character with Tourette’s and it has an extremely ignorant and patronising view of autism, portraying the main character’s kid as being a super genius who can decipher the Predator language and even going so far as to say that he represents ‘the next stage of human evolution.’ Presumably the Predators want social communication difficulties because apparently it helps them hunt somehow.

What with Disney acquiring 20th Century Fox, the future of both the Alien and Predator franchises were very much in question. This film needed to be a success in order to make a case for Disney to keep making more of them. It wasn’t. Congratulations Shane Black. You might have just killed off this franchise for good. Thanks arsehole! :D

So those were my least favourite stories from 2018. Join me on Wednesday where we shall discuss something more positive. Yes, it’s awards season. Who shall win the coveted Quill Seal Of Approval? Watch this space...

Or don’t. It’s up to you. I don’t want to force you or anything. It’s a free country.

#quill's swill #quill's swill 2018 #worst of the year #review #opinion

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mental-health-advice · 6 years

Note

i selfharmed today again, pretty bad maybe even needs stitches. i know i should, i just cant stop and i just want it all to sto. i want it to stop hurt. i wanna scream bc i havent talked to anyone in weeks, but i just cant why should i open up when everyone leaves and hurts me i cant do this anymore, no one cares, i deserve to the pain, i deserve to suffer. i am worthless, i ruin everything. i am nothing

Hey lovely,

I'm so sorry to hear that you’ve been struggling so much with this! I can relate a lot to what you’re going through so know that you aren’t the only one struggling so much with self-harm. You definitely aren’t worthless or deserving of this pain though! Even if you don’t see your worth, it doesn’t mean it isn’t there.

Like I said, I can relate a lot to how you’re feeling at the moment. Not too long ago, I felt the same way! But I was able to take some steps and now I’m over a month clean! Two months ago, I definitely didn’t think that was something I could do, but here I am! The reason I’m telling you this is because I want to show you that it doesn’t always have to be this hard

When it comes to trying to stop harming yourself, you first need to feel that it’s something you want to stop with. This can be really hard! For years, I knew that I should stop and that it was keeping me stuck in a destructive cycle. But I kept being plagued by these thoughts that I deserved it and that I wouldn’t be able to stop if I tried anyway. I did try, but I continued to stay stuck in the cycle of harming myself. These thoughts telling me that I deserved it, really made it hard to feel motivation to stop. How can I get such motivation when I’m being told the opposite constantly? What really helped me there was to not see those thoughts as me. I started envisioning my negative, disordered thoughts as a little monster in my head. That way, when I was looking at my motivation to stop or I was asked about it, I could say that the little monster reaaally didn’t want to, but that I, Pauline, did. I didn’t want to stay in that cycle, it was exhausting. But it felt impossible to admit that if I didn’t see the little monster as something separate. I hope this perspective can be just as helpful for you as it was for me! When you see the little monster as something separate, it can help to look at reasons not to harm, so that for you (not the little monster) the motivation to want to stop can start growing.

When you (you, not the little monster) feels the motivation to stop self-harming, there are a lot of tools that you can use. First of all, alternatives can be immensely helpful. There can be different reasons for self-harming. You mention that you feel like you deserve the pain. There are other, less harmful, ways to experience such pain though. If those ways can satisfy the little monster a bit, then you’re a step closer to not feeling like you need to harm yourself as much. For example when needing to feel pain, it can help to hold an ice cube to the place where you want to harm yourself. We have a page with alternatives that you can have a look at to see if there’s any that you find helpful. It can also be the case that in one situation alternative A helps, whereas in another situation alternative B helps. Distractions can also be of great help. If I’d get urges to harm myself in the evening, I’d usually try to distract myself until I was so tired that I fell asleep almost immediately after turning off my light (or before doing that even).

For me, these tools didn’t quite do the trick. I could sometimes postpone harming myself, but eventually it’d still happen and it spiralled more and more out of control. If there was an opportunity to harm myself, the little monster would want to take it and it’d get really hard not to. So at some point, I realised I had to take away the opportunity. I did this with the help of a really close friend of mine. I’ll get more into people supporting you later, as you mention this is difficult for you as well. But, together we did a sort of ritual to say goodbye to the tools I used to harm myself and then we threw them out. It was super hard! But it’s what’s gotten me to this point of being over a month clean. Still having the opportunity, still having those tools, that was holding me back. Not having them anymore is super hard. The little monster does not agree at all. But that little monster has made me so unhappy these past years and that’s not what I want. So I’m trying not to listen to that little monster.

Self-harm can be a coping mechanism to deal with certain emotions. Or actually, to not have to deal with them anymore, because you can focus on the pain. When you try to stop harming yourself, those emotions aren’t hidden away anymore and you’ll need to find other ways of coping with them, preferably healthy ways. It can help a lot to write them out, to vent, to talk to someone, to draw, to dance. These are just some examples, but it’s up to you to find what works for you.

You mention that you don’t have anyone you can talk to and that everyone has left. I’m going to make some suggestions but forgive me if you’ve tried something already and it didn’t work out! I don’t know what you have and haven’t tried. I think it can be good to start simple. Start by saying hi to someone for example. Making new friends can be really hard but we all start somewhere, and that somewhere often is a hi! Then you can take slow steps from there, as fast as you feel comfortable with. Another option would be to see if you can join some sort of community online. Often people online tend to be more understanding of mental health issues, because we talk to people who have their own experiences. When I was going through a really tough time, I couldn’t really talk to my IRL friends about it because they really didn’t understand. But I made some super lovely online friends and that helped so much! It got me support when I needed it the most. So that’s definitely a recommendation I’d like to give you.

I hope that this helped at least a little bit lovely! Please do reach out for professional help, as you really don’t have to go through these terrible times by yourself. You’re not alone, I understand, and so do many others. Keep fighting please, you’ll get there eventually

Sometimes what seems impossible, is just hard.Love Pauline

#mental health #advice #advice blog #self-harm #stitches #cutting #self image #self-image #loneliness #self-hate #self hate #mhapauline #anonymous

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philsdrill · 6 years

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Chapter 39: Sometimes It’s Okay to Not Be Okay

Fic Summary: “Everyone had a link with their soulmates, some could hear some of their partners thoughts, some had a tattoo that would appear with their partners name; for me, I knew when they got sick.” For a while Phil has thought that his soulmate might have an eating disorder and doesn’t expect to meet him in the restaurant where he works.

Genre: a lot of fluff, recovery, really fucking domestic, waiter!Phil

Warnings: eating disorders, anorexia, bulimia, hospitals, panic attacks, references to past abuse, mentions of suicide, mentions of self-harm, a lot of awkwardness, small amounts of smut. This is potentially triggering so for your own sake, please think twice about reading if anything this might affect you.

Disclaimer: I don’t have personal experience with eating disorders, but have done some research. If I have anything about them wrong, feel free to send me an ask and I’ll sort it out.

Word Count (for this part): 8.7k

[Uploads will be hopefully every couple of weeks! (follow @philsdrill-updates to hear when I post)]

A/N: It’s a long chapter so it took me a long time, okay. Partially due to the fact I went to Canada for a week and was super busy (featuring jetlag, dehydration and murdering my feet by walking too far)! It was a good time but it kinda put my writing behind by a week. Hope you enjoy!

MASTERPOST

<= Previous Chapter

Dan’s POV:

I never thought I’d find myself working in a café, not after all my issues with food, but here I was. Phil was friends with one of the staff and when he heard they were looking for an extra employee, he wondered if this would be a good opportunity for me. I didn’t even know what I was looking for in terms of a job, but when Phil said his friend was willing to give me a couple of shifts as a trial, I realised there was no harm in trying.

The probationary shifts went well. I found that I was perfectly capable of making and serving sugary coffees and cakes, so long as I wasn’t eating them. In a way, it made me feel a little better about myself, that what I was eating was pretty good in comparison. I occasionally found the doughnuts staring back at me from the counter, but at least I knew to expect them being there. Surprise doughnuts were another story, but when I turned around expecting to see them, I wouldn’t really feel anxious.

Thankfully, my anxiety had been manageable and my new job hadn’t given me anything to be anxious about so far. Phil’s college was just along the road, so sometimes when he had breaks from his cooking classes he would come along to have his lunch or just a coffee. Sometimes I’d be able to have my lunch with him, but not always. Lunch was a busy time and my breaks depended on the shifts and the other staff I was on with. It was quite calming to know he was just five minutes away if I did happen to need him and I think he felt better too, knowing I was nearby.

The other staff were lovely and I’d even go so far as to say I’d made a couple of friends. I usually worked with Sarah and Andy, or at least one of them was usually on the same shift as me. They were both kind people, and I was slowly opening up to them about some of my issues. Sarah, being Phil’s friend that had helped get me the job, already knew about my eating disorder and was nothing but supportive about it from the beginning.

There was one day, when I wasn’t quite feeling like eating, that the prospect of finishing my ham and lettuce sandwich was just too much. I’d eaten almost half of it, but with every bite I took, I felt a little more nauseous, my skin crawling at the thought of the greasy butter that I could feel on my tongue. I didn’t think twice about tossing the rest of it in the food waste, presuming Sarah was too busy working to notice.

“Dan?” she looked up, making eye contact with me and laying a plate down, “You okay? You not eating?”

“No more, can’t do it today,” I said, feeling my words get caught in my throat a little, “Eating makes me feel a bit sick sometimes.”

“How much did you have?” she asked, flipping the lid up on the bin to take a look, “Half?”

“Yeah,” I nodded, filled with a sudden fear that she was going to make me eat more.

“That’s okay,” she nodded, squeezing my arm a little, “Did you have something to drink?”

I shook my head, realising that no, I hadn’t.

“What d’you like? A can of something? Hot chocolate? Blackcurrant squash?” she prompted.

“Uhh blackcurrant squash would be good,” I said, not bothering to think what else I could have; that sounded the best option out of what she suggested.

“Okay great,” she said, getting out a glass and the bottle of squash, making it up for me, “Now go grab a chair from the back and bring it in here.”

I went to get a chair, appreciating the effort she was making to ensure I was okay. As I carried the chair, I felt a bit weak; I knew I really should eat more, but that wasn’t going to help my mental block on doing so.

“Sit down,” she said softly, “Now here’s your juice.”

I sat down on the chair and took the juice from her, starting to sip on it slowly. I wasn’t too bothered by the flavour, but it washed away the buttery sandwich remains from my mouth, something that I welcomed a lot. Part of me was itching to get the bottle and look at the sugar content, but I could feel Sarah keeping an eye on me.

Sarah handed the plate she’d been working on through the front to Andy, then turned back to me. “How’re you doing with that juice?”

“Good,” I nodded, “I think it’s helping ‘cause I don’t feel like I have sandwich in my mouth anymore.”

“Okay good,” she smiled, “Think that’ll keep you going for the afternoon?”

“Hopefully,” I nodded, knowing that my body probably did need more food, but it had coped on less before, so I knew I could do it.”

That afternoon had been a difficult one as I went through various stages of having energy from my juice, then a gap where I felt tired and awful. I wasn’t meant to have a break but Andy made me a hot chocolate and sent me through the back drink it. Thankfully, I made it through the rest of my shift alright, and by dinnertime I was actually feeling up to eating properly again. I’d let Phil know of my struggle, just to keep him in the loop with my mental wellbeing. So far, that had been the only day where my eating disorder had had any effect on me at work.

There was another day where I opened up to Andy about my anxiety. Not long before ten, we had a customer, who came in, ordered a coffee so sit in and sat down in the corner of the cafe it drink it. Being a quiet spell, I found my eyes wandering slightly, not necessarily intending to watch the customer, but doing so anyway. The woman took some pills with her coffee, maybe paracetamol or something, but I didn’t see the packet. I was hit with a sudden realisation, one of those ‘oh shit I forgot something’ moments. I’d forgotten to take my medication this morning.

In realising this, my eyes remained on the customer, my mind elsewhere but my eyes staring at her. Andy must’ve noticed this because they waved a hand in front of my face, “Dan, you okay? You’re staring?”

“Uhhmm… I…” I said, feeling at a loss about what to tell them, “I just realised I forgot to take my medication this morning.”

“D’you need it urgently or is it something you’ll be okay without until later?” Andy asked, their voice calming.

“I think I’ll be okay, but I should text Phil to let him know,” I explained, feeling I needed Phil’s assurance that I would be okay.

“Right, go through the back and text him or whatever,” Andy nodded, “I’m good out here on my own for five minutes.”

I made my way through the kitchen and into the back room, where we left our outdoor clothes and took our breaks. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and opened up a new message to Phil.

Umm I just realised I forgot to take my medication this morning. I’ll be fine without it, right?

Shortly after the message sending, I noticed that Phil was typing.

Yeah, you should be fine! but I have a free hour next so how about I drive home, get it and bring it to you?

Feeling a wave of relief at the thought of taking my medication like I should have, I replied to Phil quickly.

That would be great if you don’t mind? I guess I’m just worried I’ll get withdrawal symptoms or be more prone to having an attack because I havent had it

I hit send, waiting for a confirmation that Phil definitely didn’t mind going to get it for me.

It’s fine, honestly :) I’ll see you in like half an hour

Relieved, I slid my phone back into my pocket and made my way back to the front counter, where I let Andy know the news, “Phil’s got a free hour at college next so he’s going to pop home and bring it here for me.”

“Okay great,” Andy smiled, “That’ll stop you worrying.”

“Yeah,” I nodded, relieved.

“Are you sick or something then if you’re taking medication?” Andy asked slowly, a slightly puzzled expression on their face, “Sorry if its personal, you can ignore me.”

“Not really,” I answered, thinking for a minute; I trusted Andy, so there was no reason I couldn’t just tell them the truth, “I have an anxiety disorder and mild PTSD.”

“Oh… Dan…” Andy said, sounding sorry for me, approaching me with open arms.

I let Andy hug me for a moment, appreciating the little bit of comfort after just telling them such a big thing.

“My uh... ex-girlfriend was verbally abusive about my weight,” I explained, trying to get my head around what I wanted to tell them, “I got out of it when it started to go physical, but I was already in a bad place by then. You know about my eating issues, but I sometimes get flashbacks about her and things she said or did… and then general anxiety about my weight, food, eating habits and even things like stress and big life changes.”

I felt some tears welling in my eyes as I opened up to Andy about my problems. It wasn’t something I’d talked about to anyone other than my therapist, and mine and Phil’s families. I took a deep breath and rubbed my left eye with my thumb, trying to appear stronger than I was feeling.

“Dan,” Andy said softly, “Are you okay? Like at this moment?”

“I’m fine,” I said, my voice cracking, “I just want a hug from Phil.”

“He’ll be here soon,” Andy reminded me, squeezing my shoulder slightly, “You want to go take a seat and get yourself a glass of water, as we’re quiet?”

“I’ll get some water,” I said, not really wanting to leave the front counter in case Phil was early.

I grabbed a clean mug and filled it from the tap, leaning against a clear part of the counter to drink it. I took a few deep breaths to calm me, reminding myself that it was okay that Andy knew, in fact it was probably a good idea for me to have opened up to someone at work about my anxiety problems.

Andy must’ve sensed when I was ready to talk again, because soon a carefully worded question came my way, “Has working here affected your anxiety at all, with you having issues with food?”

“It’s okay most of the time because I’m not the one eating it,” I explained, “The only thing which bothers me is the doughnuts, had a bad experience with them, but I can deal with it.”

“You’ll let me know if you ever start to feel anxious while you’re working, right?” Andy asked, “I can’t say for sure I can help, but I’ll do my best. I understand anxiety to some extent, having struggled with my own mental health.”

“I’ll try,” I said truthfully, knowing I would be able to unless I was just suddenly hit by a panic attack, “If anything happens, I’m sure you’ll know about it.”

“Thanks, I’d like to be able to help if you need it,” Andy nodded, taking the empty mug from my slightly shaking hands and refilling it.

When Phil arrived, we’d just hit a busy spell, where Andy and I were both serving customers. Phil looked like he didn’t quite know whether to stand in line or wait around somewhere. When I spotted his confusion, I waited for the momentary gap between two customers and shouted to him just to head through the back, pointing to the ‘staff only’ door at the back of the café. It would take him through to the breakroom come cloakroom, which I would access through the kitchen.

After serving my next customer, Andy told me to go, insisting that they could deal with the remaining customers. I made my way through the kitchen to the back room, briefly explaining to Sarah on the way, as I grabbed myself a glass of water to take my tablet with.

Phil was sat on a chair near to my coat, my box of antidepressants on his knee. He patted the chair next to him for me to come over, “You’ve got some water, good.”

I sat next to Phil and leaned into his side for a moment before taking my medication from him.

“Are you okay?” Phil asked me, sliding an arm around my shoulders, “You seem a bit… jittery?”

“I kind of ended up explaining about my anxiety to Andy and they were good with it, but it was just difficult for me to say, I guess…” I explained, “C-can I get a hug?”

“Of course,” Phil said, softly, his expression going a little gooey. He set my medication and water down on the table, before wrapping his arms around me completely. I rested my head on his shoulder for a moment, enjoying his comforting smell, the feeling of his body wrapped around me, holding me close. I felt warm and safe in his arms, felt that everything would be okay... and that was just what I needed.

I could always hug Phil for longer, but I knew I had medication to take and a job to get back to, so reluctantly, I pulled away and got down to taking my tablet. Pop it out the packet, swallow it, wash it down with water, it was all routine by now. I sighed as I laid the empty glass down on the table, leaning back in the chair to enjoy my last moment before I inevitably had to get back to work.

We finished our exchange with another hug, and a promise from Phil that he would come by at lunchtime. It was comforting to see him again, but at the end of the day, I was fine. It felt good to know that not only was Phil nearby when I was working, but I now had Andy in the loop. They understood to an extent and would help me with my anxiety if it came up at work.

Once he had settled into college and his cooking classes, Phil found that he still had the time to work the odd shift at the restaurant. He had become supply cover now, one of the people his boss would phone up if someone else called off sick or they couldn’t find someone to cover a shift. He had no obligation to take a shift, but he often would presuming he had the time.

Although I was working pretty much full time now, we were still getting financial help from our parents. My parents had reduced their contribution now that I was working, but Phil was getting some help from his now as he was at college and only able to work some of the time. It felt good to know that I was capable of earning a steady income, and I knew that if Phil and I were both working, we could be self sufficient.

For the time being, our schedules were more or less aligned. Phil’s schedule varied a bit, but he was in classes Monday to Friday, give or take the odd day here and there. I too usually worked Monday ‘til Friday, nine until five, but I’d get a short day once a week. Apart from the odd time Phil took on a work shift, it gave us all of our evenings and weekends together. It was good for us to have that kind of schedule, because we got into a better routine with getting up, eating dinner and going to bed at more or less the same time each day. Phil would still crash when he came home from work, but in general he seemed less tired.

I was still attending my therapist appointments regularly and whilst I still wasn’t in a completely stable mental state, I would say I was doing the best I had in awhile. I still had little anxious moments, times I’d need to take five minutes here and there to calm myself, but I found my beta-blocker medication rarely moved from my coat pocket these days. I knew I still couldn’t be without it; something could still trigger a panic attack, but it was nice to be feeling a bit better overall. I had people I could talk to and trust if anything got too much and my life had fallen into a routine where there wasn’t much that could overwhelm me.

I guess it was a given that something would happen eventually, that someday my anxiety would catch up with me at work, however, I didn’t expect it to happen in the way that it did.

You get into a routine of serving customers, some want coffee, some want sandwiches, but the motions are mostly the same. Occasionally someone asks for something you’ve run out of and you have to explain apologetically, would they like something else? Sometimes you get elderly confused people who come in looking for lipstick and you just have to smile and suggest the nearest pharmacy instead.

Some people are regulars and others you never see again, but you never expect to see the people from your past who you hoped you’d never see again. On the day in question, I was working with with Sarah, Andy and Ben. Andy was working from nine to three and Ben from twelve until six. Shifts varied, but it was always important to cover the lunch rush.

Ben and I had been non stop serving coffees for a while, putting the sandwich orders back into the kitchen for Andy and Sarah to make up. Coffees, cakes, sandwiches, cold drinks; everyone would order something different and it could sometimes get a little overwhelming. Even at two-thirty, we still had a queue. My coping mechanism was to focus solely on the person at the front and getting through their order as quickly and efficiently as I could. I didn’t really have much glimpse of who was behind until I called ‘next’ and the next person stepped forwards.

I finished making a man a latte and passed it out to him, calling forward the next person in the queue and looking up to see who it was next. I felt so much shock, so much fear, the instant I saw her face. Face coated in makeup, framed by greasy brown hair. I’d once thought she was beautiful, but now I wanted to throw up just by looking at her.

“Can I get a cappuccino and a chocolate doughnut please?” she asked, her voice almost mocking.

I’m surprised her order even reached my ears, but I managed to put my hands and feet on autopilot and get through the motions of making her a cappuccino and getting a doughnut out of the cabinet. Meanwhile, my heart was pounding, my chest felt tight and I was definitely struggling to breathe as I told her her total at the cash register.

“That’s four pounds forty nine,” I told her, choking slightly on the ‘nine’ and having to repeat myself.

She handed over a five pound note, which I took with shaking hands and put into the till, grabbing her fifty-one pence change. As I dropped it into her hand, something went wrong, my hand shook and jolted, touching hers for just a fraction of a second. That hand had pointed at various parts of my body, poked me in the stomach and slapped me in the face. I couldn’t be near her and now that I had finished serving her, my only logical thought was to get out of here.

I stumbled through the kitchen to the back room, where I collapsed into the chair nearest my coat. Medication, I needed my medication. Fumbling through the pockets, I found it eventually, bringing the tub out of my pocket and grasping it in my hand. I needed water, why hadn’t I thought of that. I needed water to take these. My throat felt tight and that would make it hard enough to get them down.

I barely even noticed I was sobbing as flashbacks started to intrude my mind, particularly one of her holding an empty doughnut box, a look of pure evil on her face. “What the fuck, you fat imbecile. You ate my entire box of doughnuts - you were fat enough already, you worthless piece of flab! Do you not understand the meaning of my doughnuts?”

Then another one, from earlier in our relationship, when unknowingly, things were starting to go downhill. “Dan, maybe you should go to the gym more. Like wouldn’t sex be better if you had a little more stamina, maybe lose a little weight and you’ll be hot as fuck.”

“Dan, I’m not letting you be on top again until you lose some weight, you’re crushing me.”

“Dan, you don’t really need breakfast when you ate so much for dinner…”

“Please stop eating all my snacks, Dan, it’s not good for you.”

“I’m not having sex with you until you’re under sixty kilos.”

At the time, when I thought I loved her, I thought she was just trying to do what was good for me. It wasn’t until she slapped me in the face that it hit me, literally. She’d yelled so much that day, I could still hear it ringing in my ears.

What the actual fuck Dan?

Get the fuck out of my life.

Confusion hit me as a voice broke through the yelling. No one had been there to break it up; it was just me and her to fight it out.

“Dan,” a voice repeated, softly, “Dan, you there?”

It was Andy, I realised as I opened one of the eyes I had scrunched shut in trying to protect myself. They were crouched next to me, looking concerned, lips moving but I wasn’t getting half of what they were saying.

“Dan, are you hearing me?” they asked, this time enough words getting through for me to understand.

“A little,” I choked, nodding.

“Dan, try and take a deep breath or two, okay. What do you need?” they said, slowly moving their hand so it was within grabbing distance of mine.

“Water, these, ‘n’ Phil,” I choked out, opening my hand a little to show my tub of pills.

“Okay, two seconds,” Andy said, hurrying to the kitchen door and shouting something in to Sarah.

“Sarah’s on the water,” Andy said, returning to pull a chair over next to me, “You want to get your tablet out?”

Nodding, I started trying to open the tub in my hands, but with how much I was shaking, it was a struggle. A frustrated sob burst from my throat as I fought with the lid. I couldn’t do it; I couldn’t.

“Dan, can I help?” Andy asked, their hand slowly approaching mine, “Here.”

I let Andy take my medication from me, trusting them to get it out the tub so I could take it. As they were opening the tub, Sarah walked in, holding a mug of water and approaching slowly.

Andy beckoned her over, at the same time depositing a pill into my shaking hand, “Is it just one?”

Nodding, I lifted the pill to my mouth and reached out to Sarah for the mug of water. I let Andy help me with it, because I was completely past the point of trying to do things by myself. I choked a little on the tablet as I swallowed it, but there seemed to be a helping hand rubbing my back as I washed it down.

“Please stop eating all my snacks, Dan, it’s not good for you.”

I shook my head frantically, trying to get her voice out of my head again.

“Please talk,” I croaked to Sarah and Andy, “I need to hear something else.”

“Okay, Dan, we’re going to call Phil now,” Andy started, their voice soothing, “Sarah, could you maybe do that? You’ve got Phil’s number, right?”

Sarah nodded, turning back towards the kitchen, “Of course, yeah.”

“Dan,” Andy continued, “D’you think you could focus on your breathing or is that too hard?”

“Too hard,” I nodded, feeling like I was using all of my mental strength to keep a certain voice out of my head and that I couldn’t realistically focus on anything else.

“Keep sipping your water then,” Andy nodded, rubbing their hand up and down my back, probably as I hadn’t pushed it away. “You’re going to be okay. I’m guessing you can’t really talk about it right now, but you’re safe back here. Sarah’s calling Phil and hopefully he can get down here.”

“What if he can’t get out of class?” I asked, suddenly feeling another wave of overwhelming panic at the thought of Phil not being able to come and help me.

“Phil’s on his way, don’t worry,” Sarah said, poking her head through the door again, “He was in a theory class, so it wasn’t a problem.”

The five minutes that followed were all a blur. Sarah brought me a mug of diluting juice once I’d finished my water and Andy continued to speak to me and rub my back. I was still panicking, chest tight, breathing hard, tears running down my cheeks, but they were keeping me from getting any worse, keeping my mind from any further flashbacks.

When Phil appeared, out of breath, Andy quickly gave up their seat for him. He plopped himself next to me and immediately decided to free me of my apron and my top shirt button. He shed his coat and placed it gently on my shoulders, pushing my hair back off my face. Although his breathing was fast from rushing, I could feel him trying to slow his movements.

“Dan,” Phil said, his voice soothing, slipping his hand between the buttons of my shirt, “What happened? I know you’re having a panic attack and that you’ve taken your medication, but what triggered it.”

“N-no,” I choked, struggling to get her name out.

“No?” Phil questioned softly, “Would be easier to help you if I knew.”

“Nora,” I spluttered, pointing in the direction of the cafe, “Came in, had to get her coffee and doughnut.”

“Okay,” Phil nodded, “You’re safe back here though; I need you to focus on that. It’s just me and Andy in here, no one’s going to hurt you, you’ve got space to breathe.”

I felt the fingers of Phil’s other hand brush over mine, then he gently curled my hand up within his, “Your medication’s going to help you soon, but I need you to keep breathing until then. Want me to do it with you?”

I nodded, feeling too tired to answer in words. I felt Phil undo a button on my shirt, then spread his hand out more. He would tell me to breathe in and he would slowly count for a few seconds, then I would hold my breath, then I would breathe out. The familiarity of the exercise was somewhat comforting; I could focus on one thing at a time and I knew that Phil was ready with the next. I eventually started to fall into a rhythm, started to understand what was coming next. I didn’t stop until Phil stopped, until he was satisfied I had my breathing steady enough. It wouldn’t be perfect, not until my medication slowed my heart rate back to normal.

“One. Two. Three. Four,” Phil paused, “And out…”

When Phil stopped counting my breathing, I relaxed into his side, thankful, but not quite able to express it yet.

“You’re okay Dan, you’re okay,” Phil said, bringing his arms around me in a hug, “Just relax now.”

Phil’s POV:

When Sarah had called me during class, I knew something was wrong. She quickly told me that Dan was having a panic attack and that he needed me. I was pleased to hear he’d managed to take his medication, but getting myself to him was a top priority of mine. I quickly excused myself from my class, explaining to my tutor, Mark, that my soulmate needed me urgently.

Knowing I couldn’t really park any nearer to the cafė, I left the car at the college and ran to where Dan worked. Okay, I was a bit out of breath on arrival, but I was able to help him all the same. Hearing that Nora had appeared was a bit of a shock, but I guess it was kind of inevitable that she’d make an appearance again in his life at some point.

Now that I’d helped him calm his breathing, he was cuddled into my side, still shaking, but on the mend. I leant down to kiss him on the forehead, feeling like he was needing a little extra love. What he really needed was his bed, but I wasn’t quite sure if that was possible yet.

“Could you maybe make Dan a hot chocolate?” I asked his colleague and friend, Andy, “No cream or marshmallows, in a takeaway cup.”

“Of course,” Andy nodded, giving us a small smile and heading through the door into the kitchen, “Give me two minutes.”

I kept hugging Dan until Andy returned, when my duties changed to helping him drink hot chocolate. His hands were shaking, hence my request of a takeaway cup, but if I didn’t help, he was going to get it all down his chin and probably all over his shirt. Dan had his left hand on the cup, I had my right, and between us, we managed to get the drink safely to his mouth. It was never a skill I thought I’d develop, being a pro at helping my soulmate drink out of a cup or glass, but here I was. He needed the help sometimes and I was happy to give it to him.

I knew the hot drink would help him, give him a bit of warmth, a bit of sugar. His body was going to need a lot more than that to recover though. Ideally, he needed to go home, lie down and get some sleep, but he was meant to be working for another two hours.

Looking to Andy for help, I asked my question, “Is there anyone who can take the rest of his shift? I think he really should go home.”

“I'll do it,” Andy said, “I was meant to be finishing up the now, but don’t worry about it.”

“Are you sure?” I asked, to be polite, “You've already done so much.”

“It's fine, honestly,” Andy nodded, “I don't mind working another couple of hours.”

Dan looked like he was about to protest, but Andy shut him up before he could get there, “Dan, Phil’s right, I think you should go home. I really don't mind finishing your shift.”

“Okay,” Dan said, still sounding a little weak, taking the last sip of his hot chocolate, then nuzzling further into my side, “Thank you.”

“Phil,” Dan started after a while, “D’you think you’d recognise her? Could you check if she’s still in the cafe? I don’t think I could leave with her still here. I feel kinda trapped.”

“Yeah, I remember her from halloween,” I nodded, “Can we not use the back door?”

Dan looked up at Andy questioningly, clearly needing the authority of someone who had been here a bit longer, “I don’t see why not, but I’ll go and check with Ben.”

“Thanks,” I said to Andy, as they made their way to the kitchen.

Andy came back with the news that yes, we could leave via the backdoor. This came as quite a relief to Dan, as although he was not fully recovered, he was desperate to go. As Dan was already half wearing my coat, I helped him get his arms into it and zipped it up in front of him. I lifted his coat off his hook and put it on myself; it was a bit of a tight fit, but I wasn’t going to steal his warmth.

“You look after yourself Dan, get some rest, and let me know if you’d rather stay home tomorrow because I can take the shift,” Andy said to Dan, putting their arms around him in a loose hug.

Andy’s hug only lasted about a second, then they moved away giving me a small smile, “I know you take good care of him, Phil; make sure he makes the right decision about tomorrow.”

Andy opened the back door for us, and with an arm around Dan, we made our way outside. We said goodbye to Andy, me thanking them so much for all they had done to help Dan. We made our way along the alley that ran behind the shops, not stopping until we had rounded the corner. It was Dan who had stopped first, turning into me for another hug.

Bringing my arms around him and my face up next to his, I mumbled to him, “Something wrong?”

“Just felt I needed another hug, maybe couldn’t lose myself in it so much with Andy there,” Dan mumbled, shakily exhaling against my neck.

“I get that; you said sh-they get jealous of guys hugging, right? That you don’t want to make h-them feel down about it?” I said, stumbling a bit over the pronouns I wasn’t quite used to using.

“Yeah,” Dan nodded, “Andy’s mostly chill with hugging people, but I think they crave the feeling of hugging as a flat chested person. I can’t completely understand, but generally I try to avoid doing anything super masculine or bringing up anything that’ll make them feel feminine or uncomfortable.”

“Speaking of uncomfortable, how are you feeling?” I asked Dan, noticing that he was a bit more talkative.

“Shaky, tired, still a bit scared and shaken up, but alive,” Dan told me, sighing.

“Well let’s get you home and we can either talk about it or I can let you sleep, whatever you want,” I nodded, knowing we would need to figure out what was best for him first. “The car’s still up at the college so we’ve got a little walk, but I think you can do it.”

“Just stick with me, yeah?” Dan asked, a little uncertainly.

“Of course,” I said, giving him a little squeeze, “I’m not going to leave you even for two seconds at the moment.”

As we pulled apart our hug, I found Dan’s hand, interlocking our fingers and giving it a squeeze, “I’m right here.”

We set off walking, back to my college, back to our car, hands joined, shoulders brushing as we stuck as close together as we could. Dan’s hand was a little shaky, a little clammy, and he himself was quite quiet, but I knew he’d be okay, he just needed some privacy and some rest.

On reaching the car, I opened the passenger door for Dan and kept supporting him, with a hand on his back, until he was settled in the seat. I quickly hurried around the front of the car and joined him inside, ready to take him home.

I did the reverse process when we arrived at our flat, opening his door and joining hands again once he was out. We got up the stairs fine, with there not being so many of them these days, but I could see it was still a bit of a struggle.

As I unlocked the door, I gave Dan a couple of instructions so he didn’t go straight off to bed without taking care of himself, “Go and get changed into something comfy, go to the bathroom or whatever you need to do and come to the sofa. I’m gonna get some water and a couple of other things and I’ll meet you there.”

I left Dan at our bedroom door, knowing he would manage to get sorted out by himself. I made my way to the kitchen, filling a mug with water for Dan and flicking the kettle on in case he decided he wanted some tea later.

I sat the water down on a table by the couch, then went to retrieve a blanket from the comfy chair across the room. I couldn’t think of anything else to get him; that would depend how he was feeling. Maybe he’d need paracetamol, maybe he’d want a bath, but I felt he’d probably want to go straight to bed.

“Hey,” I greeted Dan, as he arrived in pyjamas and a hoodie, “Come sit down, let’s talk about how you’re feeling?”

“Not the best,” Dan mumbled, settling himself between my legs.

“Right, let’s start with how you’re feeling physically? Tired? Sore? Shaky?” I prompted him, pulling up the blanket and trying to make sure he was comfortable.

“A little shaky, tired, but I can deal with that,” Dan told me, relaxing into me a little.

“And mentally?” I asked slowly, “D’you want to sit and have a chat for a little bit?”

“That would be good,” Dan nodded, sighing, “I still feel really on edge. I kind of feel like I want to talk to my therapist but she’s probably busy and you’re here so…”

“If you want to call her and see I can help?” I suggested, wanting to do what I could.

“I’m not sure I’m honestly in a state to speak to anyone else,” Dan mumbled indecisively.

“Will I do for the moment and you can maybe call her, say tomorrow when you’re feeling up to it?” I suggested.

“Yeah, that would be good,” Dan nodded, pulling the blanket up to his chin, “Could you pass me that water?”

As Dan took a few sips of water, I thought about what I was going to ask him. I knew that Nora had come in for a coffee and a doughnut, that he’d clearly had a panic attack and taken his medication, but I didn’t know where his mind was during the whole process.

I started the conversation gently by asking Dan if he’d managed to make the coffee for her, how much he had managed before he fled to the back. I was impressed to hear that he’d managed to make her the coffee, get her the doughnut and even do the transaction and change. We then went onto his feelings as he’d gone about that: the utter panic, the realisation that his body was able to go through the motions of making a cappuccino without his mind really being there.

We had to take a break in the conversation, as when Dan started to explain where his mind was during the first few minutes he spent in the back room, it got a bit too much for him to deal with again.

“Breathe,” I said, running my hand over his chest. “You need me to help you or are you okay?”

“M’okay,” Dan nodded, his chest rising and falling rather forcefully beneath my hand.

I stayed quiet while Dan focused on his breathing, letting him focus without distraction for a while. When I did start talking to him again, I decided against picking up where we left off. I had experienced enough of Dan's panic attack to piece together vaguely how he would have felt.

“I think you've maybe talked enough for today,” I said acknowledging his exhausted state, “Unless there's anything else you want to get off you mind?”

“I think I'm good,” Dan murmured, “Thanks for listening. I feel a lot better after talking to you.”

“I think we should get dinner early, maybe watch something and then you can go to bed early,” I suggested, resting my chin on his shoulder for a moment. “Does that sound good to you? I'm just thinking if you take a nap now, you might not sleep so well later.”

“Yeah sounds decent,” Dan agreed, “I think I can manage to stay awake a bit longer.”

“What do you want for dinner?” I asked, “Not got anything planned so it's your choice. What's going to make you feel good?”

Dan looked thoughtful for a minute, but eventually gave me an answer, “I’d like spaghetti? Just make a simple tomato sauce or something?”

“Okay, I can do that,” I nodded, glad he had picked out something quick and simple; it meant I could spend a bit longer just cuddling with him before I had to get up and make it. “I'll start making it at five.”

For the half hour or so that followed, I just sat with Dan, holding him in an embrace that was comforting for him but warm and cosy for both of us. I was glad he was okay, maybe still a little tired and wobbly, but okay.

When I got up to make dinner, I left him with a little kiss, only going as far as the kitchen, from where I could still see him. I set about boiling the kettle, weighing out the pasta, getting out the sauce ingredients. I could feel dan watching me, so every so often I would look up and give him a smile, a little acknowledgement that although I was cooking, yes I still cared about his presence.

We talked a little as I cooked, Dan filling me in on a couple of other, less dramatic things, that had happened earlier on in the day. I told him a little about my day at college; us sharing our days had become part of evening routine, something that helped us stay as close as we could as a couple.

When the pasta was ready, I served it into two bowls and joined Dan on the sofa with it. We usually ate at the table, a habit we’d gotten into in the early days because it was better for digestion, but I felt it really shouldn’t matter now with how good he’d had been doing lately.

We put a episode of a TV show on as we ate, slurping spaghetti but not talking over it. When we finished eating, we sat the bowls to the side and slowly started to curl up together again, the idea of cuddling being too tempting to resist. The TV show ended, so we put the next episode on, but it seemed that Dan gradually seemed to lose concentration, eyes fluttering shut, slowly falling asleep.

As he fell asleep, he fell away from me a little, so not wanting him to fall off the sofa, I managed to get up and let him have the space to himself. I’d let him sleep for a little bit while I sorted a few things out, but I think he really ought to get to bed. I retrieved Dan’s phone from the join in the cushions and thought about how he was doing in terms of working tomorrow. He really should text Andy tonight, and while he probably wouldn’t mind me doing it for him, I wanted to have his word first.

I pocketed his phone, hoping that would remind me to talk to him about it when I woke him up to get him ready for bed. I collected up our pasta bowls and drink glasses, taking them to the kitchen to put in the dishwasher. I got the sink filling to wash up the pasta pot, taking the opportunity to do it now as I knew I wouldn’t appreciate seeing it in the morning. When the sink was full and I shut the water off, I noticed a noise coming from behind me where Dan was; it sounded like choking. I spun around to see him appearing to choke on something in his sleep. I hurried out of the kitchen, grabbing our living room bin on the way because I had no idea what this situation was going to bring.

I rushed over to Dan, pulling him upright and getting his head forward over the bin. I made a judgement and thumped him on the back, hoping that would help because I had no idea what else to do. It must’ve been enough to dislodge the problem, because Dan threw up a little bit, still half asleep and confused.

I rubbed Dan’s back gently now, thankful he had stopped choking, but still feeling a tension there, “It’s okay if you need to throw up more; got a bin here for you.”

Dan mumbled something, but I didn’t catch it as he gagged and threw up a bit more. I continued to rub his back, hoping it was at least a little soothing.

When he appeared to have stopped struggling, I spoke softly, “Are you okay? You started choking in your sleep but I’m not sure why.”

Dan shrugged and looked down into the bin, gagging violently as he saw its contents.

“Dan, if I can help you to the bathroom, you won't have to look at that?” I suggested, knowing it would be best to get him in front of a toilet asap.

“Yeah, thanks,” Dan mumbled, giving me his hand so I could help him up.

With Dan on his feet, holding the bin, I steered him all the way along the hallway and through our bedroom to the ensuite. I left him for a moment to take the bin away to the other bathroom - I would deal with that later - but returned quickly.

I sat by Dan’s side, pushing his sleep hair off his forehead and resting a hand on his back. We were there for about twenty minutes, Dan managing to contain himself and eventually admitting he was feeling okay again. During this time I got him a glass of water, which he sipped slowly on, hopefully helping to soothe his throat and stomach.

We shuffled away from the toilet a little, still sitting on the floor as Dan was feeling a bit weak. I couldn’t quite understand what had caused him to choke and throw up, and neither could he. We eventually came on an idea that maybe he just hadn’t had enough time to digest his dinner properly before he fell asleep. Most people would be fine, but Dan’s stomach just wasn’t quite right sometimes; something that made it clear he was still in recovery.

“I think we should text Andy and ask if they can take your shift,” I said to Dan, “I’d just been thinking about texting them to say you’d make it, but I don’t think you should now.”

“I’ll be fine in the morning,” Dan tried to insist, his weakened voice not helping his case.

“Dan, you threw up, so until you can be absolutely sure you don't have norovirus or something, you're not setting foot in a kitchen,” I told him firmly, “Although we think its your ED, we can’t be sure, okay?”

Dan nodded quietly, making me realise I’d maybe sounded a bit harsh, but it was difficult for me not to with learning a lot of food hygiene in college.

“Sorry if that sounded harsh,” I said softly, not wanting to leave things like that, “I didn’t mean for it to come out so strong.”

I retrieved Dan’s phone from my pocket and opened up a new text to Andy. I typed out a message for him, making clear it was from me, but getting him to approve it.

Hey, it’s Phil. Could you maybe take Dan's shift for tomorrow? He was doing alright, but he just threw up his dinner and while it's probably just his ED recovery, it's probably best not to have him in a kitchen until we're sure.

Dan nodded his approval to the message and hit send himself, handing the phone back to me while we waited for a response.

Of course, I’ve got it covered. I hope he feels better, plenty of rest’ll do him good

It had only taken them a minute to reply, which was quite a relief as I wanted to get Dan to bed and we really needed to know the answer first. I read it out to him and he visibly relaxed, leaning into my side.

“Can we go to bed now?” Dan yawned, sounding so tired that he was almost on the verge of tears.

“Get your teeth brushed and pee and whatever, then yes,” I told him, “I’m going to email my tutor while you get ready, okay.”

I sat on the edge of the bath while Dan did what he needed to do, typing out an email to Mark, my college tutor.

Hi Mark, I think it's best that I don't attend tomorrow. My soulmate’s been sick; I suspect it's nothing contagious as he’s recovering from an eating disorder, but I think it's best to be on the safe side and not come into the kitchen. Will see you the day after, presuming all is well. Thanks, Phil

When Dan was finished, I followed him through the bedroom and helped him get settled into bed. I sat next to him, on my side of the bed, but I had a few things to do first before I would be ready to go to bed myself.

“Get some sleep, love,” I told him, leaning down to give him a goodnight kiss, “I’ll join you soon and I’ll see you in the morning.”

“You stayin’ ‘til I’m ‘sleep?” Dan mumbled.

“Yes, of course,” I nodded, running my hand down his duvet-shrouded side.

Dan didn’t say anything else after that, drifting off to sleep and snoring lightly, getting the rest that he needed.

When I was sure Dan would stay asleep, I got up to deal with the few things I had to get done. I finished cleaning the pot I had abandoned in the kitchen sink, I dealt with the bin Dan had been sick in, and finally I locked up. I got myself ready for bed quickly, making the decision to shower in the morning so that I wouldn’t disturb Dan’s sleep just now. I knew when I joined him in bed that I wouldn’t be able to get to sleep yet, so I sat with just my lamp on and read for a while. Dan was feeling fragile and staying with him when he was in a vulnerable state was very important to me.

The next day, Dan was absolutely fine, which was definitely a relief. We’d both stayed home as a precaution, but it proved to be nothing more than what we suspected.

With everything that had happened the previous day, I made sure that this one was calm and relaxed for Dan. In the morning we took a bath together, then throughout the day, I made sure that his diet was made up of simple things: toast, soup, fruit, and that we ate at the table like we usually did.

Dan just had his bad days now and then, that was something that just happened. Sometimes his anxiety would play up, sometimes his digestive system wouldn’t quite function correctly, but this time they came at once. It was a bit of an annoyance for him and put him in a bit of a low mental state for a few days, but as usual, he was okay, he got through it.

He made sure to speak to his therapist about the whole thing, another appointment which I joined him at for support. Having had a few days to process the events, he could now explain it well and I could tell that talking it through again to her helped him to get his thoughts in order.

We all hoped that Nora wouldn’t start to frequent the café, but we would look into options if it became a problem. This possibility would give Dan a little anxiety about going to work sometimes, but in one of his flashbacks she’d stated that she never wanted to see him again. That was something I would remind Dan of when he got down about it, the one memory of her which he didn’t actually mind recalling.

Next Chapter (Epilogue) =>

#phan #phanfiction #phanfic #phan au #tw #tw; ed #phan fluff #phanfluff #fluff #soulmates #soulmate au #fandom #phandom #waiter!phil #someday

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