#(which was already hard enough bc i had been in so many situations where i worked hard for people who wouldn't do the same

[agaypanic]

The Fella Part 10 (James Maguire X Quinn!Reader)

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Summary: A family occasion takes a turn for a worse when Mary tells her aunt Bridie to drop dead, which she takes seriously. At her wake, Michelle has the bright idea to bring laced scones, which are taken and distributed among the guests.

A/N: credits to @crumpets-are-better-with-jam for writing out the script of the episode for me :)) btw just a warning, it gets a bit heated a little towards the end, but not too much i think. Also talks of drugs bc duh

***

It was becoming a bit difficult to keep up with who knew about Y/n and James’ relationship and who didn’t. Y/n’s sister Erin knew that she fancied James, but wasn’t updated on the fact that they had been dating for over three months now. Clare knew that the pair were going out after catching them kissing at the Take That concert a few weeks ago. But the rest of the group and the teens’ families were none the wiser.

Except for Y/n’s father, Gerry.

One night, everyone was hanging around the Quinn household. There were movies, loads of chatting, and some dinner. But with so many people in the house, it was hard to have even a moment alone with James. So, while everyone argued over what to put on next, Y/n snuck out to the front room, boyfriend close behind.

“I thought we weren’t gonna try to keep things a secret,” James said as he leaned against the wall, Y/n tucked into his side and holding his hand.

“I know Jamie. But with situations like this, I think it’s better to sneak away. I mean, imagine the shock that would come to Mammy, Granda, or Michelle if any of ’em found out.”

“Yeah…” James sighed, realizing Y/n was right.

“Now imagine if all three of them found out at the same time.” Y/n laughed at the idea while James’ eyes widened in horror. “Besides, wanting a moment to ourselves isn’t all bad, right?” She asked, looking up at the boy.

“Right.” He mirrored her soft smile before leaning down to catch her lips in a kiss that was eagerly returned. 

So eager that the two didn’t hear the door open.

“You’re lucky it’s me catching you two instead of your mother,” Gerry spoke, startling Y/n and James, who jumped apart. He felt a bit awkward catching his daughter kissing her boyfriend, but he didn’t look too surprised that she had a boyfriend in the first place.

“Da, I can explain.” Y/n tried to go on, but Gerry held up a hand, signaling her to stop.

“I already know.” He said with a smile, hands clasping behind his back. “About you two. Never would’ve if they didn’t decide to film that concert you girls went to.” That new information mortified Y/n and James. But they didn’t have time to fully react, because Gerry continued. “I think the three of us should have a little chat.”

***

The conversation wasn’t as bad as Y/n thought it would’ve been. Gerry was clearly happy and okay with the relationship, just wanting to make sure that they weren’t doing anything too serious. That topic might’ve been the most embarrassing part of the interaction for Y/n.

James, on the other hand, seemed scared shitless the entire time. But Y/n suspected that her father wasn’t so hard on him because of how he was treated by his father-in-law. He probably didn’t want to create some kind of a cycle. Plus, Gerry was pretty fond of James, even before he learned about him and his daughter being an item.

The entire talk played on a loop in Y/n’s head as she sat in church with the rest of her family, waiting for their relative’s wedding to start. Soon enough, the familiar tune of ‘Here Comes The Bride’ started to play, and everyone in the room stood.

“Where do you reckon Aunt Sarah is?” Y/n asked her sister Erin, noticing that a family member was missing from their pew. But her question was soon answered when Sarah entered the room and started walking down the aisle, dressed in white. “Good God.” 

Gasps and murmurs filled the room as Sarah went to stand with her family in the pew, revealing a horrified bride and her father behind her.

“Jesus, but that taxi took forever, so it did.” Sarah sighed. The bride-to-be looked at Sarah, absolutely appalled as she passed by. “Ach, isn’t she gorgeous?”

Mary rolled her eyes and looked up towards the sky as she took a deep breath.

“Give me strength…” She muttered.

***

Y/n was a bit surprised that the Quinn family, mainly her aunt Sarah, was still invited to the reception. But that didn’t stop her from trying to have a good time. She, her sister, and her cousin drank and danced around as they waited for their friends to arrive.

Soon enough, Erin spotted their friends, nudging her sister and cousin to gain their attention. They quickly ran to the venue entrance to meet with the other girls and James.

“Muthafuckas!” Michelle yelled in greetings, arms spread out and grin wide. 

“How’s it been?” Clare asked with a smile.

The sisters and Orla all had different responses, but had the same reaction when Mary snuck up behind the three of them.

“Girls!” The shout startled them, and everyone whipped around to look at her.

“Jesus, Mammy,” Y/n muttered.

“I said you could invite one friend to the reception. One!”

“Mammy, they don’t come separately,” Erin said, rolling her eyes. She thought her mother would’ve learned this after years of friendship.

“We’re like one big set,” Y/n said, gesturing to the group of teenagers.

“Aye, we’re pack animals, Mary,” Michelle said. Mary was about to say something, possibly tell them to leave or further reprimand them, when James spoke.

“I love your hat, Mrs. Quinn.” He said with a smile, eyeing the accessory. Mary smiled, and the girls were surprised to see that her slightly sour mood had seemed to disappear.

“Thanks, son.” She said, giving him a nod before looking at the whole group, a bit more serious. “No wild carry-on. Do you hear me? We’re in enough bother as it is. Best behavior.”

“Completely.” Clare nodded, taking the commands to heart.

“You’ll have no trouble from us, Mary,” Michelle said with an innocent smile, which should be worrying. Mary walked off, and Michelle turned back to the group once she was out of earshot. “Okay, girls, who wants to do drugs?” Y/n snorted at the complete 180, but Michelle was completely serious.

The girls, mainly Michelle and Erin, like always, had a back and forth about the drugs and someone named Macca and so on. Y/n used this moment to turn to James, almost glued to his side at the back of the group as they all walked around the reception party.

“Trying to butter up Mammy, are you?” She asked teasingly, thinking about how James’ little comment completely changed her mother’s sour demeanor.

James laughed a little, throwing his head back, and Y/n couldn’t help but smile stupidly at the boy. He shrugged.

“Well, I figured I might as well start now to try to get on her good side. It’s only a matter of time, I think.” Y/n nodded in agreement.

“We could tell them.” She suggested after a small moment of silence. James perked up, both surprised and delighted by the notion. “I mean, like you said, it’s only a matter of time. And they’d probably prefer hearing it from us over walking in on us doing something.”

James’ cheeks reddened at the sentence. He blinked a few times, his mind clearly drifting off to some kind of thought.

“And by something… you mean like-” Suddenly, the lights dimmed, and music started blasting through the speakers. Y/n lit up in excitement along with the rest of the room, while James looked a bit confused at the commotion that started to happen.

“‘Rock the Boat’! It’s ‘Rock the Boat!” Clare squealed as she recognized the song.

“Happy fuckin’ days!” Michelle said, and the girls ran to the dance floor. Y/n was dragging James behind her, who seemed slightly alarmed by everyone’s intense enthusiasm. 

Everyone sat on the floor in long, giant rows, fighting for space. The girls were able to push their way to the front, synchronously dancing with the rest of the party people. There, the girls continued their drug conversation, with Y/n and James now joining in.

“Look, Michelle,” Clare said to the girl behind her. “Drugs are illegal, drugs are addictive, and perhaps most importantly, in this country, you can lose your kneecaps if you’re caught doing them. And I like my kneecaps, Michelle; they suit my knees.”

“You do have crackin’ kneecaps, Clare.” Orla smiled at the girl, having to leave to the side and turn her head to look at the blonde.

“Is that true?” James asked, lips close to Y/n’s ear.

“What?” Y/n turned around, almost startled by how James was to her face. “Clare’s kneecaps?”

“No. I mean losing your kneecaps.”

“Oh. Clare’s a bit dramatic, Jamie.” The girl turned back around to face ahead. “But she’s a bit right, I think.”

“What?!”

Before any conversations could continue, a dull but loud thud was heard from a corner of the room. Everyone looked to see Aunt Bridie lying on the floor, with the Quinn family looking at Mary in shock.

***

The next few days felt tense at the Quinn household. It was mainly the teenagers being fearful of Mary, because they believed that she was the reason for her Aunt Bridie’s sudden death and didn’t want to be her next victim. The house had never been so clean and tidy.

“I just cannot believe it.” Mary’s tone was almost flat as she stared off into space, clutching her teacup and rarely ever sipping it.

“Listen, Mary,” Sarah said, sitting in the chair beside her. “No matter what you’ve done, you’re still my sister. I’ll stand by you.”

“I haven’t done anything, Sarah.”

“Exactly, love. Everybody knows you didn’t mean to kill the old boot.” Grandpa Joe paused to take a sip of his coffee. “God rest her soul.”

“I didn’t kill her,” Mary responded, immediately tired of the assumption.

“You know what I mean, not kill.” Joe looked around as if he would find the word he was looking for on the wall. “Hex.”

“I didn’t hex her either, Da.” She said defensively. “It was just a very tragic-”

“My mother, she had the gift too, y’know.” Joe interrupted. “By God, that woman could make her enemies drop like flies.”

“Look, I don’t have any gift,” Mary said, letting go of her teacup to lay her hands flat on the table to show finality and seriousness. “There’s no dark forces at play here. I just said somethin’... unfortunate that happened to-”

“Cause her death?” Sarah asked.

“Coincide with her death.” Mary corrected.

Ah, yes. Mary telling her aunt Bridie to drop dead and then her actually doing it was just an unfortunate coincidence. Nothing more, nothing less.

Meanwhile, at the sink, Y/n dried the last dish that Erin washed and handed it to Orla to put away. The three girls had been working as quietly as possible, not wanting to disturb Mary. Erin was the first to speak, turning around slowly with a nervous tone.

“Right. Well, that’s the dishes done. Would you like another cup of tea, Mammy?”

As if remembering she even had a cup of tea, Mary looked down at the cup and took a quick sip.

“No, I’m fine.”

“I’ll just grab the Hoover n’give the stairs a bit of a going over.”

“Aye, and I can sweep the hall and such,” Y/n added, trying to remember the last place she had seen the broom. 

“And I’ll maybe do a bit of dusting,” Orla said.

Mary raised an eyebrow, suspicion of the girls pulling her out of her dazed and solemn mood.

“What’s gotten into you all?” She asked. “What’re you up to? What’s going on?”

“Nothin’!” Erin answered, still seeming a bit scared. “We just thought that we should pull our weight a bit more, Mammy.”

“You do so much for us, Aunt Mary.”

“Aye, Mammy, you deserve a bit of a break.”

“I can’t hex people, girls,” Mary said frustratedly. “It was an accident.”

As if on cue, Gerry waltzed into the kitchen and smiled at his wife. He placed a hand on her shoulder as part of a greeting.

“So, how’s the Wicked Witch of the North West?” The question seemed so loving and innocent. Y/n would’ve laughed if Mary hadn’t seemed like she was actually about to murder someone.

“Who put fifty p in the eedgit?” Joe asked, glaring at Gerry. Gerry looked at him confused, wondering what he had done this time.

Mary groaned, dropping her head into her hands.

“God, how am I going to go to this wake?”

“It’ll be grand, love,” Joe said. “But listen, say if things do get heated, try not to rise to it. The last thing we want is another dead body on our hands here.”

Mary stared up at Joe with a blank expression.

“I’ll do my best, Da.”

***

Later that evening, the Quinns and McCools arrived at the wake. Everyone seemed a bit surprised and startled to see Mary, clearly believing the rumors that she had been her Aunt Bridie’s undoing. After a slightly awkward encounter with Eamon, Bridie’s son, the girls escaped everyone by going upstairs to the room that held Bridie herself.

“She really suits bein’ dead, doesn’t she?” Orla said after a good moment of solemn silence, staring down at the woman.

“What?” Erin seemed disturbed by what her cousin had said, but Y/n nodded.

“No, yeah, I agree. I like her better like this.”

“Y/n, she’s dead.”

“Oh, so you’re saying you liked her better living?”

Before Erin could answer, the door to the room opened. The girls turned to see Clare peeking her head through.

“Can we come in?” She asked in a whisper.

“Why are you whispering, Clare?” Y/n asked, tilting her head in confusion. Clare paused, thinking it over.

“I don’t know.”

The rest of the group crowded around Bridie’s casket. Michelle and Clare walked to the end by her feet, and James decided to stand behind Y/n. He rested a hand gently on her shoulder, as if to comfort her, and she raised a hand of her own to lay on his, as if to thank him.

“Thanks for comin’, guys.” Erin sighed, seeming slightly distressed now. “It’s nice to have a bit of support in this very difficult time.” Everyone seemed very confused by the statement. 

“You thought she was a dick,” Michelle said.

“I never said that.”

“You did, Erin,” Orla said.

“I’m pretty sure we all thought she was a dick, but you were the vocal one about it,” Y/n added.

“Aye, I’ve definitely heard you say it,” Clare said.

“Okay, can I just check something?” James asked, clearly focused on something else. The girls looked at him, waiting for him to continue. “Everybody else can see the dead body, right?”

Everyone took a glance at the body in question, trying to figure out what the problem was.

“It’s just Bridie, Jamie,” Y/n said.

“It’s Bridie’s corpse.” The boy corrected. “It’s Bridie’s dead corpse.”

“It’s her wake. What were you expectin’?” Michelle asked, rolling her eyes.

“Haven’t you ever seen a dead body before?” Erin asked.

“Of course not!” James nearly yelled, shocked that Erin would even ask such a question. Michelle scoffed.

“Christ, but the English are weird.”

Orla leaned down close to Bridie, taking her face in her hands and looking up at James. She had that childlike but absentminded wonder in her eyes and smile that she always had.

“You can touch her if you want.”

James flinched, moving his hands to Y/n’s hips as he took a slight step back. As he moved back, he maneuvered Y/n to act as a shield between him and the dead body and Orla. James looked at Orla in disgusted shock.

“Why the hell would I want to touch her?” Y/n snorted at James’ suddenly high-pitched voice.

“It’s nice.” Orla smiled brightly.

“Stop it.”

“It’s just a dead body, James,” Clare said in a comforting tone, trying to get him to calm down. “We’re all gonna be one someday.”

“Oh, thanks for that, Clare!” Horrified, James brought Y/n closer until her back was pressed against his front. It was as if everyone else was some sort of strange or bad energy that could only be warded off by Y/n, and she was happy to go along with it. “Yeah, that’s helped!”

“It’s okay, Jamie,” Y/n said, patting one of the hands gripping her hips. James relaxed just a bit, but was still weary because of how weird this whole situation was to him. “Calm yourself.”

“It really makes you think, doesn’t it?” Michelle said solemnly, staring at Bridie for a second before looking at the girls. “Death.” She sighed dramatically, and everyone immediately wondered what she was up to this time. “It just… just makes you wanna… do everythin’ and just… try everythin’.”

“What’s going on, Michelle?” Clare asked, looking at her suspiciously.

“Yeah, what are you on about?” Y/n eyed the girl with a raised brow. Michelle suddenly seemed excited, a stark contrast to her fake grimness.

“Do you wanna see something’ class?” Michelle then threw her purse, which was, for some reason, big and bulky, onto Bridie’s feet. Someone would’ve reprimanded her for disrespecting the deceased by using Bridie as a table, but they were too busy watching her pull a big Tupperware out of her purse. “Prepare yourself, girls.” She then popped the lid off to show what was inside. She looked at her friends excitedly.

“Scones?” Erin asked, clearly unimpressed.

“That’s right.”

“What’s so class about scones?”

“Scones are lovely.” Orla countered, seeming a bit offended by Erin’s uninterest.

“Aye, I like scones.” Clare nodded.

“No, these aren’t any old scones, girls.” Michelle insisted, shaking her head. “These are funny scones.”

“Funny’s the right word, alright,” Y/n said, reaching for one of the scones in the bin to look at it. As she dropped it back in with the rest, she looked at Michelle with a tilt of her head. “What’s so special about ’em?”

“They’re drug scones!” Clare squeaked, pointing urgently at the food. “She’s put the drugs in the scones!”

“Too fuckin’ right, I have,” Michelle said with a grin. “I wanted to do brownies, but this was the only recipe my ma had, so…”

“I don’t think it’s that hard to find a brownie recipe, Michelle,” Y/n said. 

“I’m not goin’ out of my way to find a brownie recipe, Y/n.”

“We talked about this, Michelle. We agreed.” Clare said, bringing the conversation back to the drugs.

“No, we didn’t,” Michelle argued. “Anyway, drugs aren’t illegal when you put them into food. Everybody knows that.”

“I’m not so sure about that, Michelle,” Y/n said.

“Is that right?” James asked sarcastically, almost glaring with bewilderment at his cousin. “I’m not sure that’s right.”

Just then, the door opened, and everybody froze. An old woman walked in, and the girls quickly recognized her as one of the caterers for the wake.

“Any cups up here?” She asked, walking towards them while looking around. She spotted the tub, and before anyone could stop her, she reached out and grabbed it. “I’ll take that.” The woman said simply before leaving the room.

Everyone stared at where the scones had once been, panic running through them all.

“What the fuck just happened?” Michelle asked the room. Y/n looked at the girl with wide eyes.

“I believe a caterer just took your funny fuckin’ scones to give out at our great Aunt Bridie’s wake, Michelle.”

After another moment of feeling frozen, everyone went downstairs as fast as possible without drawing attention. Defeated and not knowing what to do, the girls sat down on the steps. As they settled, they watched Joe pass by with one of the scones in hand.

“What are we gonna do?” Clare asked frantically.

“It’s fine,” Michelle said shortly. But everyone could tell she was just as panicked as the rest.

“It’s definitely not fine!” Clare hissed. “There’s drug scones down there. People’ll eat the drug scones, then we’ve drugged those people, Michelle.”

“Our granda included.” Y/n butted in, resting her chin on the top of James’ head, who was sitting on one of the steps just below her. “Lord knows what’ll happen to him.”

“So?” Michelle said, clearly worried but trying to seem aloof. “Drugging people isn’t a crime.”

“You’ve a very loose grasp of the law, Michelle,” James said, rubbing at his eyes in disbelief and exhaustion.

“What kind of person brings hash scones to a wake?” Erin asked with a scowl. Michelle scoffed.

“Typical.” She said. “I try to do a nice thing, and this is the thanks I get.”

“A nice thing?” Y/n repeated in disbelief, turning back to look at Michelle. “Oh yeah, how nice. Let’s all get hopped up illegally at a wake. Oh, wait. We can’t, because someone took your stupid scones!”

“It’s terrible,” Clare added, sounding as panicked and scared as usual. “There’s old people down there; what if an old person takes one?”

“Why does everyone get so sentimental about old people?” Michelle asked. “Old people are arseholes.” 

“We’ve got to get ’em back, girls,” Erin said, starting to get scared of the thought of any of her family having a funny scone.

“Look, I’m not disagreeing with you. I bought that stuff so I could get high, not your great Uncle Colm.”

“Oh Christ, I didn’t even think about that,” Y/n muttered. Colm was already a character to begin with; him being high as balls would probably turn him either more boring or unmanageable. Y/n stood up and faced the girls. “Here’s the plan. I’ll head to the kitchen to grab whatever’s left. The rest of you go and find the ones that people have taken and pray that they haven’t taken a bite yet.”

“And remember, girls,” Erin said, standing up with her sister. “Be subtle.” Everyone nodded and split up to do their tasks.

Y/n went to the kitchen and quietly crept to the swinging door. She took a quick look, saw that the few people inside were occupied with different things, and carefully walked in. She was surprised to see her father ranting about cross-contamination and using different bowls. Y/n wondered if he had been roped into helping in the kitchen, but whether he was forced or had volunteered, she smiled at the sight of his sudden passion.

Y/n spotted the scones, about half the amount from the last time she saw them, now plated on a serving platter. While reaching for the plate, the door opened behind her.

“Now listen here, you.” Y/n flinched and turned around quickly, recognizing the voice to be her granda Joe. But he wasn’t looking at her. As usual, he directed his pointed look to Gerry, who looked at his father-in-law, both confused and annoyed.

“Yes, Joe?”

“I just wanna say…” Joe trailed off, getting closer to Gerry and putting a hand on his shoulder. Gerry and Y/n looked at the old man in bewilderment when he laughed. “I think you’re doing a fine job.” Then he patted Gerry’s cheek before turning around and walking out of the kitchen. “Keep up the good work.”

Gerry and Y/n turned their shocked stares to each other once Joe was out of the room. The only thing that broke their eye contact was a timer going off, which somehow snapped Gerry back into his working mode. Using the opportunity of her dad’s distractedness, Y/n swiped the platter and walked out.

The girl soon realized that she and her friends never agreed on a place to meet after retrieving the scones. But not wanting anyone to see her wander around with a platter of scones, she snuck back upstairs, where she was surprised to see James slowly wandering the hallway.

“Hey,” Y/n said with relief, glad it was him instead of a stranger. Or worse, her mother.

“Hey.” He smiled at her, holding up a scone as he walked closer to her. “Found your uncle Colm with this.” He sat the scone on top of the others.

“Thank God you got it before he took a bite.” Y/n laughed lightly, James joining in. “Were you just waiting for someone to come up?”

“Yeah, I thought being up here would be better than wandering around where everyone else was.”

“Smart.” Y/n nodded once, looking around the empty hall. “What do you suppose we do about all of these?”

The two thought for a moment, racking their brains for an idea. James suddenly snapped his fingers.

“Remember when you snuck over to mine that one night, and we watched Goodfellas?”

“Aye, Ray Liotta was a dream, wasn’t he?”

“Sure.” James rolled his eyes at the comment. “But do you remember how Karen got rid of the drugs?”

Y/n took a quick second to think about whether or not she did, in fact, remember. The most memorable things of the night she snuck over to James’ were Ray Liotta, the snacks James had snuck up to his room, and kissing each other to keep loud talking or laughs from gaining the attention of the rest of the household.

“You think it’ll work?” Y/n asked once she remembered what James was talking about. “I mean, these are scones.”

“What other options do we have?” James asked. And to be honest, Y/n couldn’t think of any.

The sound of a knob turning startled the two teens. They scrambled to hide the stolen platter of scones behind them just before the bathroom door a bit down the hall opened up. A middle-aged woman that Y/n barely recognized walked out, and Y/n and James smiled politely at her as she passed.

Once she was down the stairs, James and Y/n ran to the bathroom, locking the door behind them.

“Let’s just wait for the others here,” Y/n said, balancing the platter on the sink so she wouldn’t have to hold it any longer. “So… what d’ya wanna do?”

It took a few seconds of silence before Y/n and James rushed at each other, quickly becoming a mess of tangled limbs and clashing lips. The couple rarely had time alone for things like this, the heat of the moment always being ignored because of the fear of being caught. But with a locked door, a few minutes of making out couldn’t do much harm.

Y/n’s hands buried themselves into James’ curls, tugging at them as he backed her into the wall next to the door. A hand cupped the back of her neck while the other stayed gripped on her waist, keeping her in place. Not that she’d want to leave.

James’ lips strayed away from Y/n’s, leaving featherlight kisses across her cheek and jaw before settling on her neck. The hand on Y/n’s neck pulled back her hair, giving James the access he needed to nip and suck lightly at the sensitive skin just below Y/n’s ear.

“Are you marking me?” She asked, breath hitching. She wasn’t opposing the matter, far from it, really. But she was a bit surprised to have this kind of behavior coming from James.

“Just a bit.” He replied breathlessly, kissing the slightly sore spot before returning to Y/n’s lips. “For a bit of fun, y’know?” Y/n giggled. She was lucky that she could probably hide the soon-to-be mark by keeping her hair down.

“Sure, just a bit of fun.” She replied, pecking James’ lips a few times.

The two were able to get themselves straightened out just before the rest of the girls found them. They closed the door behind them, and James caught them all up on the plan.

“I can’t believe we’re doing this.” Michelle sighed as she and the rest of the group broke apart the scones and dropped the crumbled bits into the toilet. “It’s fuckin’ heartbreaking.”

“Believe me, Michelle, it’s better this way,” Y/n said, grabbing another laced scone. “Granda’s had one, and now he’s acting, like, really fuckin’ weird.”

“You’re being paranoid.”

“He was nice to Daddy.” The group made noises of shock and disbelief. “Exactly. And if Mammy starts asking questions…”

“You’re Ma won’t trace it back to us.”

“Are you serious?” Erin asked Michelle. “She traces everything back to us. She traces things we haven’t even done back to us!”

“Are you sure this’ll work?” Clare asked James.

“This is how you get rid of drugs, Clare.” He said confidently, as if this wasn’t the first time he’s had to do this. “I’ve seen Goodfellas, like, twenty times.”

“Aye, good movie,” Y/n commented as she brushed her hands on her jeans to get rid of the crumbs that stuck to her nervously sweaty palms. 

“That’s not the only way.” Orla countered. “I watched this film once about this girl who was tryin’ to hide drugs, and what she did was she shoved them right up her—”

“I’m not sticking a scone up my hole, Orla.” Michelle hissed. Orla shrugged, raising her hands in defense.

Once everyone was done breaking down the scones, Clare sighed, seeming as nervous and panicked as always.

“Okay, I’m gonna flush.” She did so, and everyone watched as not much happened. “Is it working?”

“‘Course it’s working,” James said, still sure of his plan.

But then the water started to rise, and everyone started to panic.

“Jesus Christ!” Erin yelped in a high-pitched voice. “Why is the water rising, James?”

“I don’t know! The water didn’t rise in Goodfellas!”

“We’ve clogged it.”

“Who has a plunger?” Orla asked, seeming to be the most calm of the group.

“I’m afraid I left the house without me plunger tonight, Orla,” Erin replied, clearly sarcastic. 

“Aye, me too,” Orla replied seriously. “Nightmare, so it is.”

The toilet started flooding faster, and the girls scrambled around in a panic. Scone water was beginning to spill onto the floor, and everyone had to stop themselves from gagging as they tried to find a way to clean it up. This situation couldn’t possibly get any worse.

“Dear God…” Everyone whipped around to see the adults of the Quinn and McCool families, plus Bridie’s son, Eamon. Erin laughed nervously, deciding to be the one to find an excuse.

“It looks worse than it is.” Was all she said, which really wasn’t much of an excuse.

“My mother was right about you people,” Eamon said, horrified and angry. “Wild animals have more manners.”

“We didn’t have a plunger, Eamon!” Orla shouted.

“Get out!” He yelled. “Get out!”

The teens did so gladly, running out of the bathroom and out of the house. They gathered on the front lawn, and they couldn’t help but laugh at the absurdity of the evening. But they still feared what would happen when Mary walked out.

“The night wasn’t all that bad, I think,” James said quietly, only Y/n being able to hear him. She looked up at him curiously.

“How so?”

Instead of speaking, he raised his hand to cup her neck, gently tapping where he had bruised her. She gasped, pushing his hand away before the two of them fell into laughter, not caring about the confused looks their friends gave them.

“I’ll see you Monday, then?” He asked when they had calmed down a bit. Y/n caught a glimpse of her mother leaving the house before she answered.

“If I live that long.”

~~~

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[ourflagmeansgayrights]

so part of me wants to blame this entirely on wbd, right? bloys said he was cool with the show getting shopped around, so assuming he was telling the truth (not that im abt to start blindly trusting anything a CEO says lol), that means it’s not an hbo problem. and we already know wbd has an awful track record with refusing to sell their properties—altho unlike coyote v acme, s3 of ofmd isn’t a completed work and therefore there isn’t the same tax writeoff incentive to bury the thing. i just can’t see any reason to hold on to ofmd except for worrying about image, bc it would be embarrassing if they let this show go with such a devoted fanbase and recognizable celebrities and it went somewhere else and did really well (which it would undoubtedly do really well, we’ve long since proven that). it feels kinda tinfoil hat of me to making assumptions abt what’s going on in wbd behind the scenes, but i also feel like there are hints that i’m onto something w my suspicions: suddenly cracking down on fan merch on etsy doesn’t seem like something a studio looking to sell their property would bother with, and we know someone was paying to track the viewing stats on ofmd’s bbc airing, which isn’t finished yet, so i’d expect whoever is monitoring that to not make a decision abt buying ofmd until the s2 finale dropped.

but also i think part of me just wants there to be a clear villain in the situation. it’s kinda comforting to have a face to blame, a clear target to shake my fist at. but the truth is that the entire streaming industry is in the shitter. streaming is not pulling in the kind of profit that investors were promised, and we’re seeing the bubble that was propped up w investor money finally start to pop. studios aren’t leaving much room in their budgets for acquiring new properties, and they’re whittling down what they already have. especially w the strikes last year, they’re all penny pinching like hell. and that’s much a much harder thing to rage against than just one studio or one CEO being shitty. that’s disheartening in a way that’s much bigger and more frightening than if there was just one guy to blame.

my guess is that the truth of the situation is probably somewhere in the middle. wbd is following the same shitty pattern they’ve been following since the merger, and it’s just a hard time for anyone trying to get their story picked up by any studio. ofmd is just one of many shows that are unlucky enough to exist at this very unstable time for the tv/streaming industry.

when i think abt it that way, tho, i’m struck by how lucky we are that ofmd even got to exist at all. if the wbd merger had happened a year earlier, or if djenks and tw tried to pitch this show a year later, there’s no way this show would’ve been made. s1 was given the runtime and the creative freedom needed to tell the story the way the showrunners wanted to, and the final product benefited from it so much that it became a huge hit from sheer gay word of mouth. and for all the imperfections with s2—the shorter episode order, the hard 30 minute per episode limit, the last-minute script changes, the finale a butchered mess of the intended creative vision—the team behind ofmd managed to tell a beautiful story despite the uphill battle they undoubtedly were up against. they ended the season with the main characters in a happy place. ed and stede are together, and our last shot of ed isn’t of him sobbing uncontrollably (like i rlly can’t stress enough how much i would have never been able to acknowledge the existence of this show again if s1 was all we got)

like. y’all. we were this close to a world where ofmd never got to exist. for me, at least, the pain of an undue cancellation is worth getting to have this story at all. so rather than taking my comfort in the form of righteous anger at david zaslav or at wbd or at the entire streaming industry as a whole, i’m trying to focus on how lucky i am to get to have the show in the first place.

bc really, even as i’m reeling in grief to know this is the end of the road for ofmd, a part of me still can’t quite wrap my head around that this show is real. a queer romcom about middle-aged men, a rejection of washboard abs and facetuned beauty standards, a masterful deconstruction and criticism of toxic masculinity, well-written female characters who get to shine despite being in a show that is primarily about manhood and masculinity, diverse characters whose stories never center around oppression and bigotry, a casually nonbinary character, violent revenge fantasies against oppressors that are cathartic but at the same time are not what brings the characters healing and joy, a queer found family, a strong theme of anti colonialism throughout the entire show. a diverse writers room that got to use their perspectives and experiences to inform the story. the fact that above all else, this show is about the love story between ed and stede, which means the character arcs, the thoughts, the feelings, the motivations, the backstories, and everything else that make up the characters of ed and stede are given the most focus and the most care.

bc there rlly aren’t a lot of shows where a character like stede—a flamboyant and overtly gay middle-aged man who abandoned his family to live his life authentically—gets to be the main character of a romcom, gets to be the hero who the show is rooting for.

and god, there definitely aren’t a lot of shows where a character like ed—a queer indigenous man who is famous, successful, hyper-competent, who feels trapped by rigid standards of toxic hypermasculinity, who yearns for softness and gentleness and genuine interpersonal connection and vulnerability, whose mental health struggles and suicidal intentions are given such a huge degree of attention and delicate care in their depiction, who messes up and hurts people when he’s in pain but who the show is still endlessly sympathetic towards—gets to exist at all, much less as the romantic lead and the second protagonist of the show.

so fuck the studios, fuck capitalism, fuck everything that brought the show to an end before the story was told all the way through. because the forces that are keeping s3 from being made are the same forces that would’ve seen the entire show canceled before it even began. s3 is canceled, and s2 suffered from studio meddling, but we still won. we got to have this show. we got to have these characters. there’s been so much working against this show from the very beginning but here we are, two years later, lives changed bc despite all odds, ofmd exists. they can’t take that away from us. they can’t make us stop talking abt or stop caring abt this show. i’m gonna be a fan of this show til the day i die, and the studios hate that. they hate that we care about things that don’t fit into their business strategy, they hate that not everyone will blindly consume endless IP reboots and spin-offs and cheap reality tv.

anyway i dont rlly have a neat way to end this post. sorta just rambling abt my feelings. idk, i know this sucks but im not rlly feeling like wallowing in it. i think my gratitude for the show is outweighing my grief and anger, at least for right now. most important thing tho is im not going anywhere. and my love for this show is certainly not fucking going anywhere.

[catscidr]

hi.. hello... may I request a dottore fic w/chronically ill reader? chronically ill as in, can't get enough sleep due to pain, doesn't clean themselves/shower, or doesn't eat a lot due to the pain and loss of appetite.

this part is a bit self indulgent but maybe reader can't walk properly due to it and needs assistance by dottore (or his segments) to hold her hand and let her cling onto them as they walk?

absolutely understandable if not! hope you have a good day :) 🕊

yes!! absolutely!! (included this other ask too bc i felt they were similar enough) im sorry i disappeared for a bit, life happened and this and that and i didn't have time to write and when i did i just.... couldn't write LOLヽ(；▽；) i don't have a chronic illness so i did my best with what i had (google and my own experiences with body pains n stuff(?) ) so pls lmk if there's like. any wording i should change and whatnot. big smoochies to u nonnie i hope this makes you feel at least a little better ♡♡ ⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝ cw: a whole lotta fluff, established relationship, dottore is probably a little ooc bc he's very soft, him and The Clones are doting on reader HARD. reader is shorter than the men includes: fem reader, dottore and his segments (Omega is the oldest, Delta is webttore, Iota is the youngest), Columbina is mentioned, fatui npcs are also mentioned wc: 2,3k

The doctor was infamous for being cruel, aloof and barbaric. From his experiments to his way of treating his coworkers, practically everyone that worked in the Fatui wanted nothing to do with him, since even if they happened to not get on his bad side, even being associated with him meant other members of the organization would look at them funny. The only people the Harbinger spoke to daily, apart from you, were his many segments. 

The same couldn’t be said for you though. When you could, you’d spend time with Viktor or Ekaterina whenever they were in Snezhnaya, hang out with Damselette when she was free or simply just make small talk with anyone willing to stop by for a chat. Unfortunately, you haven’t been able to enjoy other people’s presence since your body’s been feeling quite sluggish as of late, exhaustion seeping into your limbs much quicker than it should. Your predicament made it so that you were confined to the four walls of your room most days, human interaction being limited to Dottore and his clones. 

Not that you particularly minded, since they were an entertaining bunch. Dottore took care of you most of the time, but since his job was quite demanding, he couldn’t be there for you all the time. Which is where his segments came in. 

“The soup isn’t that hot, and I already blew on it! Just eat already,” Delta grumbles loudly, his patience wearing thin as it made way for aggressive worry to take place. You stick your tongue out at him, a tired and petty act of rebellion despite your situation. 

“I dare you to take a sip. For sure it’ll be able to melt your mechanic tongue right off,” you huff in annoyance, both from the minimal hours of sleep you’d been getting and your own patience coming to an end. The man makes a tsk sound, torn between wanting to prove you wrong by humoring your suggestion or wanting to just grab an ice cube and tossing it in the bowl in malicious compliance. He doesn’t have time to decide though, because two people come into your room right as he opened his mouth to reply. 

“Prime told me to check in on you,” Omega says as he breaches the doorframe. “You’re taking too long.” he adds, crossing his arms. The older segment stares down at his maskless coworker, lips curling down in a frown. Delta scowls, readjusting himself on your bed- he was sitting to your right, his legs thrown over the side of the bed. He glances over his shoulder at the interruption, scowl now much more genuine as he glares daggers at the older segment. 

“I would have been back a long time ago if someone,” he doesn’t hide the way his eyes glance over at your sulking form, “had cooperated with me.” Still holding up the spoon he had tried to feed you previously, he lowers it into the bowl while gesturing for Omega to come closer. The latter walks over to the bed calmly while Iota saunters over to your left side, chatting up a storm about how he’s missed you and asking when you’ll be joining them back in the lab again. 

“Maybe if you knew how to speak to women,” the oldest taunts, lips curling into a small grin, the only feature visible on his masked face. You giggle as Delta bites back an insult, purposely ignoring his superior to instead try to make you get something in your system one more time. 

“Where’s Dottore?” you ask the Omega segment, turning your face away from Delta. The latter glares at you, handing over the bowl of soup to the other man. Iota suggests feeding you but is quickly dismissed by the other two, much to his dismay. 

“Busy. Although he said he would come by to test something, if I recall correctly... didn’t mention what it was, though,” the masked segment says, blowing on a spoonful of soup to cool it off. You nod, eating the spoonful when Omega presents it to you, earning a look of disbelief from Delta. “How are you feeling today?” the oldest asks, tuning out Delta’s many choice words aimed at him. You do the same, focused on eating and taking your time swallowing the food so as to not upset your already sensitive stomach. 

“Could be better,” you respond with a sigh. “I feel pain... everywhere. And I’m tired but I can’t sleep,” you add between spoonfuls. Omega nods, letting you rant as he silently listens to you while subtly observing the way your chest heaves up and down, as if your lungs were working overtime to accommodate to an elevated heart rate. 

He hums, dipping the spoon in the bowl to feed you again. You shake your head at him and put a hand up in front of your mouth, your brows creasing your forehead. The clone doesn’t push further and instead hands Iota the unfinished bowl of food, quietly asking for him to put it away. The young boy nods eagerly, happy to be of use as he scurries away. Delta follows after him to make sure he doesn’t break anything, but glances behind his shoulder to take one last look at you, worry obvious on his usually irked face. 

“How long has it been since Prime has last given your previous dose of aspirin?” he asks, leaning closer to you to push your hair out of your face. Expression scrunched up in discomfort from the sudden food intake, you make a noise of discontentment, a vague answer to his question. He frowns but doesn’t voice his displeasure aloud, instead comforting you through your nausea. Noticing pearls of sweat beading up on your hairline, Omega pulls your bed sheets away slightly, making you more comfortable. 

“Can you try swallowing for me?” he asks gently, tilting his head forward and to the side to look at your throat. It takes you a hot second but after some struggle you do as he instructed and swallow, your throat bobbing up as you do, and the segment hums in satisfaction. “Good,” he murmurs quietly, placing one hand on your shoulder to help you straighten your back. 

“Let me help you up. Hold onto my hand for me?” Omega asks, helping you slip out of bed, putting a strong arm under yours to help you stand up. You wordlessly interlock your fingers into his own and wobble slightly, knees weak and devoid of strength, but he holds you up, bending his own knees slightly to accommodate your height. The wave of nausea comes and goes, making your legs unsteady as the clone helps you walk towards the bathroom connected to your bedroom. 

Delta comes back without Iota in tow and immediately notices your discomfort. His legs work faster than his mind and he’s to your left in the blink of an eye, supporting your weight as well to help you and Omega out. The three of you reach the sink counter and as the oldest helps you sit up on it, Delta squints at his fellow clone. 

“Can one of you get my bucket,” you manage to croak out between deep breaths, head slumped forward to rest against Omega’s shoulder. While he rubs soothing circles on your back Delta quickly grabs the bucket you kept in your room, footsteps as silent as he could as to not disturb you. You murmur a quiet thank you to him, sitting up to the best of your ability as you shoot him a grateful smile. 

“Are you feeling well enough to bathe or are you still lightheaded?” Omega asks, one of his gloved hands coming up to your forehead. He feels some heat seep through the leather fabric but waits for your answer nonetheless, crimson eyes covered by his mask staring into you. You nod, leaning into the coolness of his hand. 

“Mmhyeah, jus’ help me out a bit,” you mumble sleepily, exhaustion taking over your nausea. Delta doesn't need to be told twice as he turns on the tap to fill up the bath, keeping a hand beneath it to make the sound of water splashing in the tub quieter to avoid bothering you. 

✧✧✧   

With a towel resting over your head and newfound energy flowing through your limbs, you saunter into your partner’s main lab to find him. Omega had left shortly after you finished bathing, begrudgingly telling you that he had to go back to work- but Delta stayed with you long enough to keep you company while you let your eyes rest. He gave you some painkillers- nothing like what Dottore gave you to keep the pain at bay, but it worked as a temporary solution- and you felt energized enough to leave your bedroom to get ahold of Dottore. 

Delta walked behind you, not wanting to go back to the laboratory just yet but the last thing he wanted was to leave you alone, his mind working up a multitude of scenarios in which you’d get hurt. Although he was all bark and no bite, he still cared about you immensely- more than he’d ever admit. He watches your hair drip water onto the pristine white tiles as you walk and steps on the water with his boots, smudging the liquid to wipe it away. 

“Dottore!” you exclaim happily, eyes lighting up when you finally catch sight of the familiar mop of blue hair paired with his matching tired eyes and scarred skin adorning his face. The Harbinger looks up from his work, eyes displaying a mix of surprise and something akin to irritation- a result from catching him off guard. 

“Darling,” he says softly, quietly enough that you barely catch the loving nickname slipping past his chapped lips. “Did you eat?” he asks, brushing the dirt off his hands on his slacks. You engulf his torso in a warm hug, immediately comforted by the familiar faint scent of his cologne and whatever cleaning supply he used in his lab. He returns the hug gently and Delta looks away immediately, flustered at the sight of his boss being publicly affectionate. 

You respond with a muffled mhm, refusing to pull away. “Didn’t eat much but it was something. Omega ‘n Delta helped me bathe. Took something for the pain. Now I’m here,” you summarize, face still smushed against him. He hums in approval, but concern still creases his brows as he uses one of his hands to rub up your back and the other to dry off your hair completely using the towel on your head. Delta murmurs an excuse before leaving the premises, not able to withstand the pda. 

“You shouldn’t be out of bed,” he says sternly but softly. “I’m working on something that’ll help you in the long run, it’ll do you good to allow your body to recuperate as much as it can. Have you been sleeping alright?” 

You slump against him. Of course he’d notice how tired you were even if he couldn’t see your face. 

“...No,” you mumble. He doesn’t respond, but you feel his head moving as he looks around his workspace, seemingly looking for something. He lets out a quiet aha when he does and he brings his arms down to your shoulders to push you away. 

“I have something you can take to help you sleep. You shouldn’t feel nauseous nor dizzy when you take it as well,” Dottore says, immediately talking about the possible complications before you can even open your mouth to refuse his offer. “I tested it out myself,” he adds, lips curling into a small smile when he sees your face change from a pout to bewilderment. 

“You? The great Dottore, ex-scholar of the Akademiya, willingly taking medication to make him sleep? You never get rest, and you expect me to believe you when you talk about sleeping medication?” you say with an amused scoff. Dottore raises a brow at your teasing but doesn’t comment on it, instead he chooses to brush his pointer finger’s knuckle beneath your eyes. 

“You should believe me because I never get rest, my love,” he says fondly. “And because your dark circles are so prominent, I could probably see them from the other side of the laboratory.” he adds. You huff but lean into his touch, eyes drooping from the burst of energy catching up on your body. You hear him chuckle under his breath as he shifts his body to grab the medication in question and a syringe with a sterilized needle, preparing the equipment to administer it to you. 

“If you get an adequate amount of rest, I’ll take two days off work to take care of you properly. How does that sound?” he asks lightly, flicking the syringe to let out any air bubbles out. You look away with furrowed brows and roll your eyes, but still give him your arm. 

“Now you’re just trying to bait me,” you say, looking at him from the corner of your eyes. He shrugs, not arguing with your accusation because you were technically right. When he’s done with the syringe you feel his arms wrap around you, the warmth of his body making you sigh pleasantly. 

You can’t tell what it is that makes your body grow so incredibly tired so suddenly; if it was the medication, the strain on your body or if it was because you just felt that comfortable in Dottore’s arms, but you didn’t really care. As you felt Dottore move you to one of his couches, you reach out to grab onto his sleeve to keep him nearby. 

He complies, crouching to be at your level as you crack your eyes open to look at him. You murmur a quiet love you and shut your eyes contentedly, smiling softly once you feel his lips make contact with your forehead as you hear him clearly say I love you too back. 

[astroels]

hey, i just wanna make sure this will be okay with you! i wanna send in a request where the reader has HEAVY symptoms of/like borderline personality disorder and farmhouse!ellie helps and understands, etc!! because ive shown ALOT of symptoms of it, but i haven’t been able to go to doctors about it :( i am totally down with helping you with this request (only if you are comfortable doing this!)

(anyone who’s sees this, pls DONT take offense to this and please don’t have a go at me (cause it won’t end well, & obviously, it will just send me in to a deeper and darker hole, that im already in!!) and to this kind human who’s writing this!! just be kind, im currently experiencing this for such a long ass time now and it’s such a tough battle, and it’s a heavy and deep journey).

here’s some topics i can help with:

(this is what i experience personally)

- splitting // seeing someone or something (like a situation) either good or bad, it can NEVER be seen in between). this makes asking for advice or reading someone or the situation to be dealt with A LOT more harder… cause i only want one answer, it can be in the middle. it MUST be a yes or no, i hope that makes sense?

- dissociation // feeling disconnected with your senses, can’t tell which is which and it’s incredibly hard to snap out of it.

- heavy feelings of emptiness // having a lack of purpose in general, it’s irritating when you can’t properly and very physically feel your intense emotions :(

- fear of abandonment // scared of ending up alone, just like what ellie said (that’s what ellie and reader can bond over w? or understand about the reader).

- emotional instability - disturbed patterns of thinking or perception – "cognitive distortions" or "perceptual distortions" impulsive behaviour. intense but unstable relationships with others.

- paranoid ideation // when im constantly scared or suspicious being secretly followed, plotted against, always in a constant state of deep anxiety.

- unstable/intense relationship // with me experiencing such intense emotions, etc. this can creat so much short, unstable and intense relationships with anyone i come across in life. // the readers first actual long healthy loving relationship with ellie is her first :(

- sh behaviors… (pls dont do this, if this triggers you)

could you possibly add in about ellies drawings/journal about the reader and bpd… to help her understand and help around the farmhouse for the reader. ellie and tlou helps me so much in so many ways. (abt me and my mind) bc i feel like her drawing about reader and the symptoms/memories of ellie being here can help me so much :)

𝐄𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐞 𝐖𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐚𝐦𝐬 𝐱 𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

a/n: I tried to touch on topics that you mentioned and with information I'm aware of since I have a friend with bpd, if anyone has a problem with this, do let me know, I am in no means writing this to be disrespectful or stereotypical, I just hope someone is able to find comfort in this :)

cw: arguments, mentions of sh (i will mark when it shows up), joel is dead in this (sorry joel)

apocalyptic!au

At first, having to hide your disorder from Ellie was a struggle. There was an intense fear that came with the idea that Ellie would back off as soon as she found out it. It was hard enough to mask the feeling, and even harder when you felt the symptoms that ruined previous relationships ooze into your current one with Ellie. Eventually, you just couldn't hide it anymore. You had to be honest even if rejection was a likely path.

"Ellie, I really need to talk to you." It'd come out in a burst of impulsiveness, no longer being able to keep it from her. From where you were laying on her lap, you'd straighten, looked down, besides her, anywhere where you didn't have to face her.

"What's up?" She'd be looking at you intently, with the shine in her eyes that showed she was curious as to what was to come and her voice gentle, as she naturally was with you.

"I really can't hold it together anymore, I struggle." You paused, didn't everyone? The words felt thick in your throat. You continued after cleaning your throat. "Mentally, 'm pretty sure it's borderline personality disorder, and theres no way to help it." Ellie stared at you, expressionless, waiting for you to continue. "It's always been there, before you, these past few weeks, and when I'm alone. I feel so trapped, Ellie." Everything you said came out rushed, in raspiness, in choked sobs that this was the end of a relationship that could've been something better in your life. "I'm not okay and I'm probably not something you want to deal with." You didn't think she wanted more baggage in this already ruined world.

Ellie didn't speak. Were you too honest? Were you too blunt? Too clingy in such a short time? What was wrong with you? A second passed by with you left in thought. "Oh, baby." Ellie pulled you in, letting you breathe in the slight dirt scent that lingered on her shirt.

She held you for awhile, allowing your tears to ease into falters before speaking again. She pulled away, her hands on your cheek, wiping the last of your tears. "You've never felt like someone I've had to deal with. Disorder or not, I'm going to stay with you, okay?"

Incredible doubt still filled your mind, her words seeming to just sink into you and not touch where it mattered. "What if you realize I'm not worth it? What if you leave? I can't handle that Ellie." You said in almost a whisper, her love was too good to be true, everyone always left when they found out the reality of your behaviors and emotions.

"You're worth more than you realize, baby. I promise you, as long as you need me, I'll always need you. We're going to do this and learn together." She'd caress your cheek, calming you with the sensation of her touch. "And besides, I'm just as scared of losing you." She'd give you a slight smile followed by a kiss on the cheek to lighten the mood. Ellie wouldn't dare make you feel like something she'd have to "deal" with. After your first mention, she picked up books from Jackson to further look into it.

Even if you knew the farm was strayed away from any communities, and it was very unlikely that any infected would stray towards the farm, the anxiety swelled up in you. It was so easy to lose Ellie and everything you've grown together, just by a simple mistake of overestimating your safety. It happened often when you'd hear a noise at night and couldn't sleep, saw something move quickly in the corner of your eye, or even when Ellie was gone for too long. Your fear would turn into forms of skin picking and eventually lead into panics that induced loss of breath and worry. Ellie, of course, did her best to help you through these panics.

You hated bothering Ellie with how you felt, but you promised her you'd be more open and try to be communicative instead of shutting off when something was happening. You kept hearing it, the clicking noise that was going to cause your death any second now.

"Ellie," you whispered, rocking her arm a bit to wake her. Her eyebrows slightly furrowed in sudden wake. Her green eyes looked pretty hazy, but she quickly rose when she saw the shakiness your body was in.

" 's the noise again, baby?" She leaned to her side to pick up her glass of water, offering it to you. Supposedly, fresh water was supposed to cool the body, along with the scent of herbs. Ellie had you trying natural supplements while she found a trader who had medication. All you could form was a simple nod after you drank from her water, your throat burning from anxiousness.

That was all Ellie needed to understand what to do. It'd happened before, and she was glad you woke her up this time. Ellie scootched closer to you, allowing your head to fall on her lap. There was no way to block the noise but to fill the silence.

Ellie took it upon herself to play with your hair, leaving tingles all across your head, and singing for you, songs she created, songs she found, songs Joel had sang for her. She filled the room with her voice to block the outside noises that burdened their mark in your mind. " 's gonna be okay, baby." Her sensation eventually soothed you. Even on rough nights, she didn't give up on helping you.

With BPD, there were empty days, days where you couldn't reciprocate anything, days where everything seemed challenging, it wasn't something you felt you could do. Completing any farm task became a haze. You mentally weren't present in the day. The things you could do seemed to be done messily, which made your helplessness feel even worse.

You knew it was time to get up, time to water the plants, fetch the clothing from the line, and prepare lunch, but you couldn't. If you tried in a state like this, everything would go bad and end up sending you into spiral. Ellie's words passed through your mind. " 'ts alright babe, only do what you can, when you can." She made sure to tell you it was okay, but you still felt useless tucked into bed while she was out hunting and fetching things from Jackson.

You decided to go downstairs and start on some laundry. It's the least you could do to stay organized at such a time. Ellie had been gone for a while now, the hallow feeling inside you carved deeper each moment you felt the absence of her. She couldn't fix you, but the knowledge that she was around made it the tiniest bit better.

A load of laundry was done when you decided to just get back in bed. There was no use fighting what was inevitable. Time passed as if you were watching a train, you weren't moving, but time surely was. You spent the rest of the day wating for Ellie, growing impatient in the increasing grayness.

While looking at the window, the sound of a door rattling burst your train of thought. Ellie's voice of letting you know she was home was faint. Would she notice that today was an off day? Would she be as caring as the other days? You heard her making her way upstairs momentarily.

The moment she walked in, she glanced at you and spoke with a gentle tone, pushing you into a cloud. "Hey baby, how're 'y holding up?" She continued around the room to change, leaving herself in a tank top and pj shorts. Your silence spoke volumes, you just couldn't respond. Your voice didn't want to be heard, it felt trapped in your throat. You nodded at her, making eye contact as reassurance you weren't mad, just drained.

Ellie grew understanding of these times, whether they lasted for days to weeks, she was there. She got into bed with you, seeking your warmth for a little while before she had to make dinner. She knew you didn't take care of yourself properly these days, so it was most obvious that she'd be right at your service, asked or not.

Arguments were not a likely thing to happen, but that didn't remove the possibility of it. Sometimes, you just couldn't help the feelings that bubbled up and were unstoppable. It came from stress, irritation, or just something Ellie said that sounded off putting. This part was the hardest for Ellie to communicate through, as she has her own communication issues; However both of you shared a fear factor of being abandoned. This alone gave the courage to work through the outbursts. Hard to handle, but ultimately manageable. (Tw for sh starts here, head to next section to skip)

Ellie had traded some time ago for pills, they were supposed to stabilize your mood, they really just made you unable to think as much and light headed. It wasn't the best medication, but it's as far as a post-apocalyptic world could provide. At first you took them daily as suggested, but when you learned Ellie had given one of her knives joel had crafted before he died, immense guilt filled you everytime you took one or even looked at them. The thought Ellie gave up something so special for you, made you nauseous.

In guilt of her action, you "forgot" to take them for several days, possible weeks. You thought if you were less dependent on them, Ellie wouldn't have to trade something like that again. What didn't cross your mind was Ellie noticing the difference of you on and off the meds. She noticed the way your irritation and mood swings became intense, noticed the way you pushed her away more often. The truth would come crashing down once the both of you made a wrong tone.

You were putting away dishes when Ellie approached you. "Tommys' invited me over tomorrow, said he's gonna talk to me about something." You usually wouldn't be annoyed at Ellie's absence but she'd hardly been home all week and you felt discarded. "Okay." Was all you could form in a rude tone. The actions of you putting away the glasses became unconsciously harsher. "Okay?" Ellie eyed you. You gave her a look and continued with the dishes.

The silence rung in your ear, you felt hot, the warmth crawling up your neck. Before you realized, a glass shatterd on the floor and made you wince. You cursed under your breathe while Ellie spoke out. "What the fuck is up with you?" Her eyebrows were furrowed and her tone was slightly impatient. "Nothins' up." You made your way to the kitchen doorway to grab a broom. "Look, I can't be doing this." You heard Ellie sigh. "You're gonna have to speak up." You hated the way your heart felt so heavy, you didn't want to "speak up", you wanted everything to end already.

You turned to look at her. "I know about the pills, Ellie." Ellie looked like she had an arrow of shock hit her. You continued to speak after a moment. "I don't want to take them if it means you'll be sacrificing things like that."

Ellie was biting the inside of her cheek, her face looking frustrated above anything. "I don't want to exhaust you any longer, I can't do it to you, Ellie." You stared at her for any signs of reading how she felt. No effort could ever tell you what she was thinking. "What's done is done, just take the fucking pills." Her tone seemed increasingly harsh. "No, Ellie, I don't want to burden you any longer."

"You've already become a fucking burden, 's too late to worry about that now." Your heart dropped. Out of everything she could've said, you never thought it'd come to that. You could tell she regretted it by the way she gasped and immediately started attempting to apologize, but you couldn't anymore. You had already began to run up the stairs into the bathroom, your mind ringing with her words. If you were a burden, it'd be better to stay in there and rot away.

You were left alone in the bathroom with your thoughts, alone with your hidden "safety" kit, if you could call a box that held such a harmful purpose, safe. But it's okay because this never left you, this was always there for you. It would just be this time you told yourself; you needed the comfort.

You knew how to clean up well, the only way Ellie would notice is if she really looked. She would probably check, considering she knew your destructive behavior. You wish you could feel pity over yourself for relapsing, but it just felt so numbing, It took no effect.

A sudden knock frightened you as you scrambled to put away all your materials. "Baby, will you please come out." You didn't know how to respond. Now that she was here, you knew how disappointed she'd be about what you did. Not telling her wasn't an option, you'd feel like a liar. "You're not a burden babe, I promise you you're not." She sounded stuffy as if she'd been crying. You couldn't ignore her for long, simply unlocking the door as an invitation.

Ellie quickly opened the door and brought you into a hug. You didn't hug back, but she understood. You stood there wondering if she'd hate you. Would she finally let you go? No, you couldn't keep doing this to yourself. You let yourself sink in her arms, crying. Her words are the last thing you remembered for the next days that passed like a fever dream. "I love you, my angel."

You never understood how quickly Ellie was able to adapt to your mania and depressive episodes. It was quite a lot to deal with and retain. You never understood until you found her journal she'd left out. You were cleaning up the table as your eyes found their way to her open words and drawings. She had thoughts, lists, notes about what was okay, not okay, what helped you, what hadn't. It was awfully sweet, she really cared and it showed. You didn't know how you manged to make her your girlfriend, her beauty and love always made your heart flutter.

Ellie once asked you to be the star of her nude drawing, as hesitant as you were, you trusted her with all your insecurities. She never showed you the drawing though, not until you came across it yourself. She portrayed your body lovingly, the curves of your skin rolled naturally, your stretch marks defining the growth you've gone through, your scars drawn fluidly. Did she really picture you like this? Did she really think you were this worth drawing for? Your heart felt warm, knowing this was how she thought of you.

The other drawings were full of you doing activities, playing with a stray cat that lingered your farm for a few months, watering the plants, petting the sheep, dancing with music, and laying on the grass. Every moment you could picture with her was sketched right in front of you.

Along the pages, there were separate sections that divided different things about your bpd.

What makes it worse

Being too touchy when she's irritated

The smell of cinnamon (oddly specific)

The pink pills

When a straight answer isn't given

What helps

Occasional weed usage (don't overuse !!)

Baths (most of the time)

The texture of her favorite sweater ( W symbol)

Treating her gentle (not too gentle)

Things to mention (that might help)

The new pill

Herbs for sleeping tea

New hobbies

Music record I found

Chore separation (on a normal day)

E- Herding sheep, hunting, fetching supplies, organizing imports

R- washing clothes, watering plants, hunting, feeding sheep

Both- Making food, cleaning, looking out for infected

surprise plans

Candlelit picnic dinner while watching meteor shower (Wednesday)

sensual massage ;)

bath with the relaxant oils I found

dancing to the record she liked but we broke (found another)

giving her the ring

[broodwolf221]

very stressed again so I'm just gonna talk about solas bc he's my comfort blorbo atm

one quick clarification: I tend to use elven to describe modern elves and elvhen to describe ancient elves. it's just smth I started doing a while back and now it's habit.

I've already talked abt his personality/behavior and my theories on his distant past. so now I wanna talk about his actions.

joined the inquisition

even with lowest approval won't leave the inquisition

kept the inquisitor alive

helped seal the rifts/breach

painted the inquisitor's actions

helped kill corypheus

"killed" mythal

exposed the qunari plot

spoke to the inquisitor at the end of trespasser

now to dig into these.

joined the inquisition

this one is pretty wild. according to his conversation in trespasser, he woke a year before the conclave. one year. afaik it's unclear when he drew the veil vs. when he slept, but what is clear is that he woke up and had only a year to begin acclimating to a wildly different world, one he held significant guilt over causing to form. in this short time, he manages to acclimate enough to gain agents and find out about corypheus, someone he feels he can use. and solas wouldn't mourn corypheus' death, nor would the world, so it must have seemed such a perfect solution

then it obviously goes all to shit. and solas is too weak to take charge of the situation and remedy it on his own - besides which, his anchor is now attached to someone else. so what does he do? well aware that this world hates and fears both "apostates" (that must have been a strange revelation for him, considering how elvhen culture lauded mages) and elves, he nonetheless turns himself in and surrenders his staff

he decides to help. and no, it's not selfless - he needs the anchor. but there's so much more to it than that. he wants to help ease the harm he's inadvertently caused, the damage corypheus wrought. he's not trying to "save" the world, exactly, but he is trying to give it peace while he works to restore the world to what he feels (maybe rightly!) it should be. it's selfish. it's selfless. it's kind. it's deceitful. essentially: like him, it is nuanced.

but still, pretty wild that an elvhen apostate joins the human chantry's arm (and eventual army) of change

won't leave the inquisition

the reasoning here is fairly self-evident. he needs the anchor, and he wants to help. the inquisition is his sole means to achieve both goals. but it's still worth noting that even if he absolutely hates the inquisitor, he'll stay on as a core part of the inquisition right up to the bitter end.

and it's interesting bc he doesn't actually have to. he could have made sure the inquisitor wouldn't die and taught them how to seal rifts, then left. or he could have left after the breach was sealed. the inquisitor - and by extension, the anchor - would NOT be hard for him to find, because everyone and their dog knows where the inquisitor is at all times. also, at this point I'm not sure if he knows he'll need the anchor.

further, he could "leave" but continue to spy, including through the fade. but instead he stays right there. he leads the inquisition to skyhold. he involves himself at a fundamental level. it's interesting. he didn't have to.

does he get dragged in despite himself? does he grow attached to the rest of the inquisition, or its goals, even as he tries to hang onto the comforting lie that these people are so much less-then the people he knew? does he feel obligated to help right the harm he caused, their drawn out suffering harder to bear than their sudden cessation?

kept the inquisitor alive

I have to assume there's a reason for this, a reason he couldn't just take the anchor from them while they slept. likely it was because he was still too weak to remove it, although that seems a little strange - what was he planning to do once corypheus died opening his orb? but given the potential nature of the inquisitor, including many non-mage options and including dwarven options who are cut off from the fade itself, it stands to reason that getting the anchor placed by touching the opened orb may be much easier than removing the anchor, even prior to it being used.

perhaps he could have removed it, but was worried the inquisition would kill him. early on, how was he to know that cassandra's bark was so often worse than her bite? and it's entirely possible that she might have killed him if the inquisitor had died under his watch, particularly if the anchor was "mysteriously" removed at the same time.

I also imagine that he genuinely didn't know if the anchor would function if he just... cut their arm off and ran with it. but at the same time, I assume he was constantly monitored so that probably wasn't much of an option

helped seal the rifts/breach

couple of core reasons for this, I think: first, he genuinely wants to help. the people of thedas are terrified and at risk; so too are the spirits from the fade who are being drawn into the waking world against their will, which may well be a stronger impetus for him to work on sealing them. second, I have a theory that he won't be able to, or fears he won't be able to, tear down the veil in one with all these rifts.

rifts are tears in the boundary, right? so if he tried to pull the veil down around them, what's to stop the veil from catching against the rifts and keeping these boundaries in existence? like... trying to remove a sticker when parts have been nailed in. not only will the parts under the nail remain, but whole strips might be left behind. what would that create?

and the thing is, everything he's attempting and considering is so highly theoretical. maybe it wouldn't work like that at all. maybe it'd be fine. maybe it'd be worse. he doesn't know! but it feels safe to assume that, given his character, he'd want to proceed in the safest way possible with the best likelihood of a good outcome. he's methodical that way.

painted the inquisitor's actions

this one gets me just like it gets everyone. there's so much to it... he's using an ancient elvhen technique to memorialize the decisions of today's holy order and its leader. he's creating frescoes which are meant to last, and he doesn't know if they will. he's creating meaning in the moment, for the inquisition itself, and possibly for the future, even a future where everyone he knows is gone, killed through his actions.

it's a way to honor them. it's a headstone. it's a history. it's a gift. it's art. it's effort he doesn't need to expend. it's the closest he can come to an apology.

helped kill corypheus

of course, he's always wanted corypheus to die, so in that sense this really isn't that surprising. and in game corypheus can sometimes feel ridiculously easy to kill. but the fact is, corypheus is perceived as one of if not the single greatest threat they have to face.

and solas helps face him.

what if he died? what if he was killed? it's wild that someone who's so determined to change the world constantly puts himself at such risk, but it's part of both his nature and the means of meeting his goals. it's necessary. but is it necessary for him to face corypheus?

the time has come, the inquisitor and inquisition are prepared.

why doesn't he leave? come back after the battle and reclaim his orb? yes, the inquisitor broke it, but I don't think solas even recognizes that as a possibility. to him, the orb would have been there. and, bonus, maybe the inquisition is so damaged in the battle that they'll struggle to pursue him. if he has the orb, or thinks he would have it, he wouldn't necessarily need to protect the inquisitor any longer, because why have the anchor when he has the orb? unless of course its power was transferred to the anchor, which is a distinct possibility, but in that case... why mourn the orb so?

I think that he at least believed the orb could create another anchor. so losing it meant he needed to possess the anchor currently in existence. but again: he went into this battle thinking orb and anchor alike would exist at the end. why risk it? why not just dart in and recover what he needs?

he cares about them. even if he hates the inquisitor, he cares about the people of this world. he won't turn his back on the inquisition in their hour of need, even if he risks death

"killed" mythal

I've given this so much thought. I understand why he did it, to a point, but at the same time... it's always put me at a loss. he sealed the evanuris away because they killed mythal. he killed her to take her power, presumably a necessity after the loss of his orb in order to reclaim the anchor. and I do agree that she may very well still be alive, either entirely or in a way. I'm not sure if he's aware of that, though.

but it's all very complicated. he knows he should be the one punished - these are his sins he's trying to right, for the people (elvhen? spirits? everyone? including but probably not primarily dwarves? I've seen so many takes on this and it's always fascinating)

so. he takes something of mythal, very possibly believing he's killing her, and possibly actually killing her, in order to restore the world to what it used to be. he doesn't want to do this. it's utterly tragic and horrifying at once when you see it the first time (and, well, every time after if you're me). it's painful. but he does it.

he's willing to shoulder so much pain. loneliness, too, because mythal is presumably the only one left from his time. he destroys his sole connection to his past in order to right his mistakes. putting aside the issue of whether he's right or not, that is a monumental burden to bear.

he endures. he always endures. how horrible to always endure.

exposed the qunari plot

because I've discussed this previously I won't dig too deep into it, but the fact is 1) he didn't have to do this, 2) doing this actively makes it easier for the inquisition to pursue him, 3) doing this might actually make it easier in a way for the qunari to focus on strengthening the veil, and 4) apparently, he did it. not an agent. he dragged the qunari into the winter palace.

why? why risk himself like that? to get a glance at those he left behind? did he rush through the motions and disappear, or did he linger? did he look at them and consider what more he would have to endure?

spoke to the inquisitor at the end of trespasser

he needed the anchor, yes. but did he need to answer the inquisitor's questions, soothe their inevitable curiosity? absolutely not. he could have kept lying. it would have been smarter to keep lying. why, why tell them who he is, why let the entire inquisition know?

he already gave them a clear path to chasing him down and possibly stopping him. now he's telling them his basic plan? sure, he spares the details, but what does that really preserve?

and the thing is, even if he absolutely hates the inquisitor, he still tells them the basics. the way he does it is... genuinely so funny and it cheers me up inordinately he is so sassy about it but that's not important. what is important is that he even tells someone he loathes who and what he is and what his basic plan is.

why not just leave? "the anchor is killing you and it's mine, i'll take it back. goodbye." why not just that?

it's hard for me to believe it's anything other than: he wants to be stopped. a part of him wants so, so badly to be stopped. the same part that wanted to tell a romanced inquisitor the truth in the crestwood scene. the same part that keeps giving all these hints and answering questions sincerely even when it makes people wonder about him. the same part that only lies by ommission.

the part that is lonely and wanting and cares.

not only is he fundamentally a kind, caring man who wants to minimize the harm he does, not only does he value and want to reward curiosity, but he wants to be stopped. and the inquisitor/inquisition is about the only force in the world that can stop him, directly or indirectly.

they know him. he knows them. and while it's implied that the inquisition/inquisitor can't stop him directly because of this familiarity, they are the ones who find new forces to array against him. if he'd just lied and left, that wouldn't be a possibility.

he made himself an enemy. he could've had a clear playing field and all the tools he needed: instead, a force at his back.

[drifloonz]

hellooo. Can I ask for some dad steven headcannons?

i've been ignoring too many of my requests SOOO yes!! you may :)

dad steven headcanons!!

these are long sorry. or not sorry. whichever works. smile

____

♡ ok first of all. if this man impregnates you or anyone uh. he'll either be really into the idea or really fucking scared. usually a mixture of both. nervous and very anxious excitement.

♡ like he's always wanted children but in the state he's in now, he has always seen it as something unachievable for him nowadays

♡ who's getting pregnant? YOU decide!!!!!

♡ alternatively adoption exists which yeah that works too

♡ presumably, if this is a scenario where he's dating someone either the reader or like someone else, then PRESUMABLY he's gotten his life at least a little back together enough to clean his house a bit and clean Himself up a bit and generally just take care of himself and his surroundings more to be liveable enough for him, you, and presumably a child.

♡ single father steven is also very good. either or. but if he's a single father and a baby just drops in front of his doorstep he would take it but panic really hard ( he may at the dead of night fly to some adoption center and hope to god they take this random child... but he's also deathly scared of bad things happening especially w. waves hands at his whole story. so he might be too overprotective already to do that. )

♡ either way into actual dad hcs

♡ he used to babysit a shitton when he was younger, mostly with red and blue, so he's got the skillset for it. and he's also used to wanting to be a good rolemodel! it's just that these skills are so tucked away after the Depression Spiral that it's hard to get him back, but he definitely tries - for his child.

♡ honest to god if you asked him to name his child he'd either make an entirely new name or, because he's unoriginal and had a whole spiral over it, would name her miki or something very similar if she's a girl.

♡ welcome to the world Cool Charizard ( legal name ) /j

♡ ... it'd also be funny if whenever he has a child its always Girl because . yea. yea. Narrative curse.

♡ either way they basically don't have access to the internet bc i don't think steven even has that shit because he's poor as hell. at most he has phone data somehow that he probably isn't paying for. somehow.

♡ maybe his rent gets paid for him bc he was champion once idfk /j

♡ i thnik people are just too scared to properly enter his house and tell him to pay taxes and or rent he just gets to keep his shitty bigass house for free

♡ also it would be weird considering i think that the entirety of kanto tried to sweep him and his whole situation under the rug BUT THATS UNRELATED. SO!!!

♡ basically his kid is not an ipad baby thank god.

♡ even if his partner has one he's going to be like. vaguely scared of technology and also thinks itd be a really bad idea ( it is ) to just raise their child on that shit. the baby gets one cocomelon video a week /j

♡ thank god he probably still has his tv's that somehow still work so he just will let them watch baby shows in the living room sometimes instead of fucking cocomelon . thatd be horrendous.

♡ sometimes watches kids shows with his kid in his lap or next to him. usually falls asleep pretty quick into doing that

♡ he DOES tuck them in goodnight.. sometimes tells them stories.

♡ steven is really really really really overprotective over his child/ ESPECIALLY if it's like. straight up his child with you or whatever. that was a labor of LOVE!!! this also means he loves them very much but he's very dodgy with them going outside and whatnot. at least without his supervision.

♡ he'll be silly for his child and his child only. he'll make funny faces for them to giggle at and things like that and try to do fun things w his lil baby. etc etc. it's very cute to look at but if you use it against him he's going to glare at you really hard and squint judgementally

♡ honest to god i've said this so often to my friends . steven is ABSOLUTELY the type of guy to accidentally drop his baby while trying to hold them or throw them into the air a little and go "Oh shit. Sorry". brad lisa the painfulcore type dad except like less morally neutral bc his situation isnt the same

♡ lets the baby nap in with him a lot. sometimes you can walk into his bedroom and see him with all of his long ass hair splayed out on the bed and the baby also splayed out on the bed ... stevens gotta get his beautysleep!!! so does his kid!!!

♡ stevens really not sure whether to keep miki ( the charizard ) a secret from his child or not. because he knows that like. miki wouldn't hurt his baby almost definitely but he's still kind of scared of the possibility of either of them hurting one another accidentally or not... so at least until theyre older miki's probably a thing he tries not to mention.

♡ in general he also tries to not talk about himself or his past at all to his kid. he doesn't want them to know the ugly sides of himself.

♡ he just pretends he's a normal guy. if they somehow find out otherwise he'll either sigh deeply and tell them the truth, likely as some sort of life lesson to them ( either on safety, cautiousness, boundaries and trust w the trading incident or 'Hey if this happens to you maybe don't do what i did' but im not sure if he's self-aware enough to think of him as in the wrong entirely in that situation ), or he'll just say "must be a different guy" ( they look exactly the same in photos other than how disgruntled steven is now ... )

♡ he absolutely has a baby carrier. i think he always has wanted to carry a baby like that bc he thinks its all cute and funny. he probably smiles at you when you look at him wearing that with your little googoo in it. it looks so odd on him that it's kind of funny

♡ steven is absolutely a dilf tbqh... imagine dadbod steven NOW.

♡ sorry for sidetracking so much. anyways, he's the type of dude who OVERprepares. like MONTHS in advance, he's already buying a shitton of baby clothes, food, bottles, various furniture, etc. how is he buying these? well. either with your money or he's stealing that shit. or he somehow actually has money now. he might've mugged the various people who try to sneak into his house and 'mysteriously' die. who knows. It's a living! Kind of..????

♡ due to his general aversion of society he's kind of torn over wanting to go to a hospital or just doing it in a tub or something if its a situation where he has a partner. i think ultimately he'd do it in a hospital, despite his fear of people, because he's really scared of something going wrong. he'll wait with like. bated breath. scared as hell.

♡ he will cry the second that baby is in his arms. 100%. trust me. like. silently, probably - at least for the first few seconds. but theres a lot of tears. and a smile.

♡ he hums little lullabies to his baby and will gently move them back and forth... while the babies probably chewing at his hair a little.

♡ also yes he lets the baby play with his hair... his hair is that childs stimtoy ( whatever this means )

♡ s!3v3n is also surprisingly calm and good to the baby. the baby would either be fucking terrified of s!3v3n's face or think its silly and laugh at it. s!3v3n particularly likes to make silly faces where his tongue sticks out real far ( he can just do that when hes like that dw abt it ) and he goes crosseyed

♡ =P =D => <- s!3v3n making silly faces for a baby ( pov )

♡ ok this has all mostly been pregnancy and baby hcs. actual kid hcs uhhh... he probably really wants to homeschool his kid bc hes very overprotective but if you talked him into it he'd reluctantly put them in Actual Public School so they can have like. a social life. lol. bc otherwise theyd be EXTREMELY fucking isolated considering stevens been vanquished to Pallet Town's Shadow Realm ( aka pallet town 'A little to the west guarded by rocks and past the forest' edition ) and steven really doesnt want them to be lonely bc it sucks and hes been isolating himself for most of his life at this point so he knows it sucks

♡ he gets more comfortable going outside. most of kanto has forgotten about him anyways - he just specifically avoids going out to pallet town. if his kid wants to go there and hes not a single dad he'll have his partner do it for him. but he likes to go take walks with them and go to playgrounds. plus, he doesn't even have to whip miki / M' out in the wild grass - pokemon avoid him anyways. lol.

♡ as bittersweet as it is, if his kid wanted to be a pokemon trainer he WOULD have the best tips and tricks on it... he was the undefeated champion and arguably the first ''pokemon master'', whatever that term even means. ( presumably ''trainer champion'' instead of ''probably appointed to be in that position for someone to fight'' champion. like lance. or The Other steven. or smth. )

♡ he'd probably find a way to get his kid a starter... he still lives in kanto and close to pallet town too, so he can pull a silver and like. steal a starter. or he could just send his kid on their way ""without supervision"" ( hes lurking in the forest keeping an eye out just in case ) to ask oak about it

♡ if they pick charmander it is 90x more bittersweet. amen. but i think bulbasaur would be cute too bc its the only starter not picked and not relevant in strangled red + my own personal bulbasaur bias.

♡ although stevens going to tell them not to trade pokemon for obvious reasons - either thru a ''spooky tale'' / urban legend ( that is just his story but he tells it much more vague. like. ''... well i heard sometimes pokemon don't come back out.'' ) or just straight up says some shit like ''yea don't trade pokemon. it's bad.'' without elaborating

♡ regardless. he's still being very overprotective and unless his kid doesnt budge on it hes preferably not letting them go explore the world on their own until theyre like... 13-16

♡ even then. hes usually kind of trailing behind without telling them bc he legitimately has nothing better to do.

♡ ... also if the kid doesnt have a rival , like, no one at school or no one who they meet in their journey, then steven might. like. sigh deeply. get a few pokeballs from god knows where. catch a new team comparable to their kids level range. and be their rival. who is also their dad of mid 20s to early 40s in age. for some reason. people question it but he doesnt care he just wants his kid to have fun

♡ funnier option that i dont think he'd do ( probably ) is he pulls a clavell ( or team rocket ) and acts like a totally different guy when all that changes is his fit and maybe his haircut. except he prob pulls it off well. he'd still be obviously steven but his cap is backwards and his hair is tied up and his little jacket or w/e is around his waist and thats all that changes. his shoes might be untied for the 'stupid kid / teenager' look but then he trips over his feet and ties them bc its not worth the image

♡ alternatively ; its just s!3v3n. thats kind of steven but different right ( JOKING. HE WOULD NOT DO TH

♡ this hypothetical would be way funnier if he regained his entire reputation somehow of being a cool and strong pokemon trainer that he had when he was actually a trainer bc ppl forgot abt champion steven. and hes just like. "Okay. It's a neverending cycle of torment huh." under his breath when his kid cannot hear

♡ if asked for his name in this state hes just like uhh. uhhhhaa,.f uh. uh. stephen... thhhheee. third.

♡ he's probably not doing the thing mike and or blue did where hes the last e4 fight who isnt even an e4 member but is your rival. thats a bit too bittersweet for him. this whole exercise is fun but he doesn't wanna FULLY relive his glory days a year before his awesome trauma spiral. he also may or may not even do the gym leaders for the same reason. hes just a guy who his kid fights sometimes that is classified as a rival by technicality

♡ also yes he still has miki. he always has miki. shes just probably tucked into a bag or smth so ppl dont ask about why he has a cracked fucked up pokeball. she only comes out if his kid is in serious danger and he needs an intimidation tactic, or at worse, a method to quickly harm or kill someone with

♡ eg if a serious evil team situation happened and genuinely harmed his kid or threatened to their asses are not leaving unscathed.

♡ sorry this specific 'fake rival who is also your dad who also used to be the undefeated and first trainer champion of kanto' scenario is extremely fucking funny to me + fun in general. but moving on

♡ type of guy to dress his kid when theyre like a baby who cant think for themself in the stupidest halloween costumes ever. big pumpkin costume. hes about to crack into laughter when he takes a picture of them in it . or a charmander costume . because its steven. ( yes hes in a giant charizard onesie and yes if you make fun of him or his kid hes going to kill you dead

♡ he does go trick or treating w them too. he like. feels normaler on halloween. it was probably one of his favorite holidays even if pallet town was small an he probably got 50% apples and shitty non name brand stuff and 50% actual candy from the neighborhood homes

♡ type of parent whos going to squeeze his kids hand real tight when they get a shot or anything like that

♡ semirelated. hes tall and his hands are big but hes still gunna hold his kids hand everywhere even when theyre older until his kid complains enough ab it being embarrassing.

♡ has to crouch to talk to his fucking kid on eyelevel a lot of the times that his back hurts. like. more than it usually does.

♡ solution; just pick them up and talk to them while they are lifted into the air if theyre ok with it

♡ piggyback rides for his kid. 100000%. hes a piggy back ride type of guy. along with other similar things. would it be called grumpiggyback riding because its pokemon... anyways

♡ i think when his kids older they probably have a lot of inside jokes and steven likes to banter with them a little. playfully. and also likes to make jokes with the most deadpan ass voice bc his kid finds it funny, probably.

♡ stevens never had parents, so being a parent to someone else is... foreign, but also not really? as mentioned he did constantly used to babysit blue and red. and he was overall the teenage childhood role model for many kids in pallet town... but he himself was mostly raised by mike. so. either way, he very much loves kids and taking care of them. so tldr. hes a really good dad.

♡ i have more ideas but if you want any specific dad steven hcs explored jusrt ask me bc i have thoughts on this.

[hyperfixated-homo]

eepy moment. have horror au hcs which i have been saving in my back pocket

Raph has so many ghost hunting tools. Its genuinely sort of impressive

Raph has a stash of candles nobody is allowed to touch, apart from to restock. They’re ceremonial

Mikey is team medic bc of the amount of injuries he’s had to deal with in his genre

Mikey knows how to use the most weapons

Leo knows how to use the least weapons

Donnie sometimes speaks in a different language. He never remembers what he said after he says it. And the others know nothing about it, usually only able to pick out that its distinctly nonhuman

The best days for Leo are the ones where he acts completely normal, like he did Before. They are also the worst, because being snapped out of whatever delusion he is experiencing is never fun.

Raph is the worst at eating, but the best at cooking. He often made food for his “friends” at the cabin, but often forgot to make enough for himself.

In a strange turn of events, Leo is the best at taking care of himself. That is, regarding everything except sleep. If he forgot to take care of himself, one of his hallucinations would get mad at him. Although, they got mad when he ate too, so it didn’t matter either way.

Donnie hates food that is too hot. He used to like certain things scolding, like coffee, but now he can’t stand the feeling of it. He doesn’t like the way it burns his tongue.

Everybody makes an effort not to make Donnie think too hard about his markings. It messes with his head.

Leo is the best driver of the group

Donnie has seemingly magic hands when comes to plants. He can make anything thrive.

Sometimes Donnie’s shell markings change. It has a weird correlation to his mood.

The boys’ rooms are a friendlier extension of their universes. Still, they don’t go into them too often. The memories are too fresh.

Leo is banned from cooking. It’s for more upsetting reasons than you probably think.

Mikey can live in practically any basic survival situations. He’s seen a lot of nonsense. He knows how to deal.

Sometimes, Leo and Donnie will lose the ability to feel pain. Donnie has tried to figure out why it happens, but so far has not found any specific reason.

Mikey and Leo have both murdered people. They have also both been murdered. They have bonded about this on more than one occasion.

Raph has a thing against dolls. If any of them inexplicably show up around the lair, they are to be removed IMMEDIATELY.

Leo did the bloody mary challenge once as a joke. He stopped afterwards though, when Raph had a genuine mental breakdown thinking he had invited a ghost to the lair.

Raph knows how to do exorcisms. Not only that, but he’s damn efficient at them too. Doesn’t have to do it often though, because he’s got a bunch of precautions in place to stop spirits from entering the lair already.

Donnie has met (a?) god. He knows this for a fact.

(more au info here smile)

[windupaidoneus]

1, 2, 12, 31 for the ship asks >:]

smiles so so big. thank u my friend....... under the cut bc many words. also some of it is kinda spoilery SORRYYY. sniff

1) Who fell first? Who fell harder? depends who you ask. it's a tricky one due to. well. past life stuff... & also how their dynamic started out in current times. for the sake of simplicity though: emet fell much much sooner, & hilde fell much much harder. helps that the guy fucking died on him at his own hands ngl if i was already having conflicted feelings i couldn't quite place i think that'd get me too <- saying this about a self insert he introjected

2) Who is the one who fusses the most? Does their S/O mind very much? you knowwwww it's emet & it's not even close... hilde can fuss here & there but he's also really bad at taking care of himself & emet is number 1 complainer in the whole wide world. he WILL complain about hilde forgetting to take care of his skin, his scales, his meals, how he threw himself into life-threatening danger for the third time this month, how hilde cut his hair just short enough that he can't mess with it as much as he'd like, so on so forth. hilde doesnt mind. sometimes it makes him feel a little guilty but mostly they're proof emet cares, so it's a net positive to him. makes him feel loved

12) What is something their S/O does that makes them flustered? in hilde's case emet will do a lot of things specifically to fluster him so it's hard to list them..... he teases a lot. cant help himself. hilde is less the tease type but whenever he gets really assertive in a situation it does leave emet a bit dazed. depending on what kind of situation it may very well fluster the hell out of him. another thing though. referring to emet as his wife is something hilde did once for fun, he noticed it made emet shortcircuit for a moment & he just kept doing it afterwards (emet gets back at him by proposing first)

31) How would they describe one another. really depends who they're talking to... also at what point in time they're being asked. in the time where they're more stable & Fine though i'd imagine something like "a worrisome fool with a heart too big for his own good always recklessly throwing himself into some danger or another", & "i don't expect anyone to believe it, but despite everything i've seen his heart, and it is good". or on another day "why, the sweetest man you could possibly imagine - especially endearing when he nearly drinks from his pot of ink rather than his cup" & "oh, just the reason i've been late to every morning obligation i've had this past month". they both deeply care of course. emet views hilde as someone with a little too much kindness & compassion (mixes very well with his own crushing guilt but this isn't abt him) but he also knows the "ugly" sides of him very intimately. he once had some reservations regarding them, but nowadays he'd argue they make hilde's kindness hotter. & of course he finds the uglier parts thrilling. he would hardly ever describe him like that, because hes not telling people intimate, private things about his lover, but he's thinking them! hilde of course thinks emet is a grump with a kind heart because that's just what he is. there's a loooot emet has done that is downright unforgivable & he wouldn't deny it (& would've held it against him better/longer if the grief hadn't consumed him to the point it did) but he also wouldn't like. describe him as a seasoned war criminal LMAO. he sees emet for who he is now but also who he used to be, & how who he used to be still shines through despite all the things he's been through. which is reciprocated in a weird way. so he'd call emet a prodigious sorcerer, one praised for his willingness to lend a hand despite his protests, & would encourage people to not be deterred by his perhaps unpleasant facade. that he no longer is the villain he played in the countless stories in which he was a pawn of zodiark. that he is loving & good. sorry i'm getting a little too into it what were we talking about

[hibernationsuit-remade]

2, 6, 15, 23 and 26 for toby and klara :D

AAAAAA THANK U <3

2. Do they like each other's friends? Do their friends like them?

They are from the same friend group, and actually met bc of their mutual friends! So I'd say they like each other's friends hehe <3

Funniest thing is that it took their friends a year to realize they're dating.

6. Do they have pet names for each other? Do they like them?

Nothing interesting except for the traditional ones abdjdjdjjdkd Klara loves being called anything but variations of "baby", and Toby likes "honey" the most <3

They do have nicknames they sometimes use for each other as petnames! Klara calls Tobias "Sunshine" due to his surprisingly optimistic views on anything, and Toby calls Klara "Cinnamon"/"Cinnamon roll" due to her love for said pastry, sweet personality and also cute freckles <3 they like these names sm <33

15. What habits or characteristics have they picked up from each other?

here's some :3

Tobias barely ever sits like a normal person on sofas and chairs and Klara definitely picked that up.

Klara crosses her arms while standing idly very often, and Toby started doing it too at some point without noticing it.

Toby does a stretching routine daily and Klara started joining him at some point <3

23. What's different about their backgrounds? Do those differences affect the relationship?

Tobias comes from a small middle class family with very little close relatives, and didn't really have a good relationship with them. His social environment included lots of "competition" between peers and like, somewhat unpleasant people, which is why it's hard for him to let anyone close enough to actually show his "true self". He's also not used to have a lot of people around him :')

He "left" his family and moved to the other side of the world when he was 18, which, while giving him more freedom and ability to find normal friends, also put him into a financially hard situation and thus he's been like...working since then? Most of his life he's done lots of "extracurricular" things along with "main" stuff like studying, and has barely had any free time. That has given him some skills and connections though, and also getting to meet so many people definitely helps when you're a somewhat extroverted, talkative guy stuck in a small, lonely social circle where most people only care about how to use each other for their own good </3

Klara comes from a rich, big family (parents and some other relatives being in very high positions in big corporations), though she's more...chill??? about it. She had lots of friends from different backgrounds and is thus more "close to the ground" than some of her relatives sndjdkkfkffk Her family members are okay though and she has a good relationship with them :)

She's also had a quite busy time BUT didn't stress because of it as much as Toby bc she had supportive social circle and didn't really have to be as busy as she was. Technically it's not only because of this but also because of her personality, but she's very open and confident probably bc of her background <3

Does it affect the relationship? I'd say mostly when they need to go to a family meeting or something. Toby's not used to see so many people who know each other in the same place, and is also not used to all the rich people stuff. Klara herself is more simple and thus it barely ever comes up in everyday life.

I'd say Klara being like an open book and her wanting to know people very well is one the things that affects it more! She gets him to open up more (at least to her, and also, boy does he Need to talk about how he's doing) ehehe <3

i'd probably have more to say abt this but it's 1am and this answer is already long NFBBFBFNFFK

26. How are they with PDA?

They're not really into it, especially in the beginning of the relationship! (read: first few years) They do start to be more okay with it, but like, I wouldn't say they do anything more "romantic" than holding hands most of the time :') Idk they like privacy <3

couples ask game

[forabeatofadrum]

El WooWoo Wednesday! Thank you @confused-bi-queer and @larkral for the tag.

Yesterday started out terribly with me having a breakdown during a meeting at my job (oof) but it ended on such a high note. I don’t really share where I live on the internet (anymore) cause ya know internet security but now I kinda wish I did cause I mentioned several times that I organised a week filled with queer events and my big event was yesterday and I am still high on energy. I was so nervous beforehand but it went really well and the actress we invited was super chill. People also complimented me and said I didn’t seem nervous at all so +1 self-esteem there.

Gah, it was so good.

Apart from that, no writing is happening. Like I said I had a wee breakdown because I’d been living with constant stress for the past 1.5 weeks, partially due to the events, but also my studies, including my thesis. How’s my thesis going? It’s going. I am almost done with the analysis but it’s still very hard and frustrating and there is a lot of second guessing.

And of course, when I am not being Responsible, I am playing Zelda. I actually gave some more thoughts to the Zelda fic idea that I shared on Monday, but I’ll once again put it under the cut for spoilers.

And now, the weather: @quizasvivamos @blurglesmurfklaine @coffeegleek @esperantoauthor @otherworldsivelivedin @caramelcoffeeaddict @sillyunicorn @bazzybelle @dragoneggos @raenestee @tectonicduck @nightimedreamersworld @urban-sith @thnxforknowingme @captain-aralias (congrats on the baby!!!) @you-remind-me-of-the-babe @takitalks @justgleekout @cerriddwenluna @tea-brigade @ivelovedhimthroughworse @moodandmist @whogaveyoupermission @bookish-bogwitch @aroace-genderfluid-sheep @ionlydrinkhotwater @1908jmd @special-bc-ur-part-of-it @chen-chen-chen-again-chen ​ @cutestkilla ​ @nausikaaa ​/@wellbelesbian ​ @artsyunderstudy ​ @martsonmars ​ @facewithoutheart ​ @shrekgogurt @boyinjeans @rockitmans @bitbybitwrites​ @blackberrysummerblog

Okay so I reread Any way the wind blows and I forgot that Aryll is fucking 110 in that fic. That’s old! I mean, she had to be old cause the Calamity happened a hundred years ago AND Aryll needed to be old enough to properly remember her brother, but damn.

Now, I actually don’t know how many years are between Breath of the Wild and Tears of the Kingdom. We do know that Link is 17/117 in BOTW. Time has clearly passed, since children have grown up and places have changed. One change is that Link is an adult who can now drink alcohol at the bar in Gerudo Town (lmao). Someone (who also organised the aforementioned queer event) looked up the legal drinking age in Japan, which is 20, so does that mean there’s 3 years between the games?

That would make Aryll 113. If 110 was already pushing it, then 113 is really pushing it. Aryll was already weak and old in my fic, but man. So when the pirates attack Lurelin, is she still alive or did she die from old age? It’s established that Hylians have a human lifespan. But say she is alive in TOTK, then damn how will she flee Lurelin? Will Kiana and co. take her with them? But Aryll will have a lot of problems traversing through Hyrule. Even Faron is already difficult to traverse since it’s a big forest.

BUT

BUT

What if.... after Link and Aryll reunite..... and Link saves Zelda....... and Zelda sees the situation.............. Zelda goes to Purah. Purah reversed her age with Sheikah tech. And sure, it went a bit too far and she became a literal child, but she’s a teen/young adult now. This also kinda fucks up the 3 years idea, but also this is Purah so I won’t be surprised if she now sped up some aging in order to reach the age she wanted. What if, between games, Purah reverses Aryll’s age to match Link’s? Hmmmm. HMMMMM. Again, I’m just mumbling. I don’t know if this is a Legit Fic Idea, but I like to think about it.

[fizzingwizard]

Hoooo boy okay... Lupin zero episode 5.... wow (spoilers, and kinda convoluted bc... yeah wow)

To be honest I am a little lost about what to say with this one! I'll summarize first: I liked it, but it tried to do too much, tried to induce emotions it hadn't spent enough time developing, and makes me a little concerned about episode 6. It's not bad but episode 4 was much more cohesive. This is a bit of a mess.

The trouble with this series is it's trying to do way too much for just six episodes. I'd say it needed at least eight. Ep 5 once again just has so many Important Things all going down at a lightning fast pace. The whole short series is like one of those timed challenges they liked to do on cooking game shows, where you'd have to make like a souffle or something in only 30 min. The assumption was that most of the contestants would make errors because of the limited time. In that situation, there's the thrill of the unknown in finding out which souffles still turn out decent by luck more than technique... but I don't want my TV shows half-baked!

Story wise I don't have any issues. The plot's not very inventive but it's fine, Lupin "becoming Lupin" is the real plot anyway. Of course I knew there were gonna be stolen nukes. It's a Japanese anime, what else would it be? Plus I'm a Digimon Adventure fan hurrhurrhurr

I'm mildly surprised by Lupin II's role here, but anticipating that more may come to light in episode 6, for better or worse. It was nice to finally see Shinobu in action. I did expect her to be more two-faced type - and yeah ep 6 is still there, but I doubt there's time to make her more interesting. And if they do, it's probably a waste of time, because the show's already over.

I am wrestling so much with Jigen this episode. After episode 4, it just doesn't make any sense why he's suddenly pushing Lupin away. I feels like there was a scene missing where something happens to make him scared. Tbh, if they had just juggled things a little and put the scene with Jigen getting hired to infiltrate the Lupin estate before him advising Lupin to stay away, it might have worked for me. Or a scene of someone (Shinobu?) telling him he's hurting Lupin by always coming by. Because just "announcing!" it on the rooftop was like. Totally out of nowhere. Until now no one did much to try to prevent these two from hanging out. Shinobu only herded Lupin on home usually after he finished having fun with his bad boy friend, and advise Lupin to avoid danger in a way that was related to Jigen, yes - but it's just one line and Lupin cuts her off! It's so, so hard to feel any tension here. Also, even if Lupin knew that Shinobu was serious about wanting them apart, Jigen seems to have no way of knowing?? Getting side-eyed by Shinobu is not enough my dude. Yet he's the one who tries to push Lupin away seemingly for no reason than he just woke up like "Gee what I have been doing with this kid?"

I do get that the initial scene at the drive-in was more or less supposed to do what I just whined about. With Lupin saying "life's not like the movies" and just the framing of them performing and getting chased off. I like the idea but no I don't think it made the cut. They're trying to tell me I feel emotions for these two that I have not, in fact, been feeling, or feel in only a vague way. Same with Lupin getting beat up - ok, it's meant to scare Jigen away? But I feel nothing.

And the scene on the roof. Let's talk about that. It's so important, but so awkward! They are on the ROOF. Yes, I know they're expert roof-walkers! But the YAKUZA ARE RIGHT DOWN BELOW. Even if Shinobu's not worried about it because she knows Daddy Lupin's down taking care of them, Jigen and Lupin don't! And just the optics of Lupin whirling around between Shinobu and Jigen with their guns out... was so silly. XP

Lupin himself is okay. What took me by surprise is, earlier I was always complaining that Lupin didn't seem child-like enough. But this episode he seemed just a little too childish, I guess? I think it was mostly his monologue on the roof. The reasons for it were great, and fitting for a young Lupin IMO, but. Monologues on rooftops. With yakuza. Are just. Rarely a good idea. Lmao.

Aaaand here we go, the heartbeat bit... I honestly thought Lupin was gonna reach out an snag Jigen's hat with a cheery "Catch me if you want it back!" x'D I absolutely did not expect this... thing we got. I think what I didn't expect was for Lupin to be so, Idk, direct and honest? Maybe I'd have felt differently if the plot elements which led up to this scene had been better developed. I knew we'd get Lupin's decision eventually, and I fully expected some sort of break down of his and Jigen's friendship was coming too.. but it didn't pull off right. Just too fast. Slow down my dears, Rome and good anime aren't built in a day. As one of the very last scenes in the show, maybe it would be fine. And maybe the reason they did it now is because of something else that has to happen later on. Either way. I'm appreciative of what I got, believe me I am. I just wish I felt the story justified it.

Cannot decide how cheesy the heartbeat thing is. Is it cheesy? It's cheesy. I don't hate it lol. Food for the fan girls xP

Ep 6 is next and my hope is that it will be more than a "wrapping things up" type episode, although I'm not really expecting it will be. I would like to think there's something hidden from us still, but it very well may be simply "Lupin and Jigen save Tokyo from nukes as their first heist, Lupin discovers brave and rebellious women like Youko are totally his type, and Lupin tells his dad to fuck out of his life then drives off into the sunset with Jigen in their ridiculous teeny tiny car."

My hopes are that there will be more interaction between Lupin and Daddy Lupin than just that. Honestly wondering if Lupin II will die over this Lupin empire thing? Hard to explain otherwise why he's never around, but since this is its own canon we don't really need to adjust for that. And sort of hoping there's some part of Youko's story we haven't seen yet.

I do think developments with Jigen are more or less done... The only thing I can think of for him is we have never actually seen his dad. Until this episode I didn't think it was necessary to see him, but now, knowing he purposely sent Jigen to the Lupin estate in his stead, I feel like we need to know who he is. Wouldn't it be funny if he turns out to be Lupin II and Jigen and Lupin are actually biological half brothers? Hahaha. Kidding!! It doesn't make sense that Lupin II would be living a double life by hanging out on a houseboat with baby Jigen and going off to shoot people in various wars. I'm just trying to express how VERY CONVENIENT it seems that Daddy Jigen sent Baby Jigen to the Lupin estate right at that moment. But does it need cleaning up? Not more than many other elements, so this is just me spouting off randomly.

Another thought I had for this series was that rather than end with Lupin and Jigen riding off into the sunset, something would happen just when they seemed like that's something they might do which would throw a wrench in their plans. Maybe something that would explain why Lupin partners with Albert for a while. But once again: different canon, no need to adjust for it. The inclusion of Albert just seems weird if he's not really useful for anything, though.

There's still one more episode so I guess I won't have any more questions next week! Although this episode was back and forth for me, I'm still enjoying the series and happier that it was made than I thought I would be. Fingers crossed for the finale.

[torc87]

The irony is, I was not a Zionist before March or so. I didn't really give a damn about Israel other than as another country, had zero, less than zero desire to live there bc I don't want to live in ANY religion based country ( though heaven knows US is heading that way too), and when my mother often said that if the day came that we weren't safe in the US then Israel would be the only place to take us in? I rolled my eyes bc I couldn't imagine such a scenario and didn't want to live there anyway.

And then anti-Semitism in the US rose. My mother didn't feel safe putting a menorah on the window - someone could throw rocks. Credible threat - anti-Semitic violence is on the rise. Houses get graffitied, people get attacked in the streets, our places of worship need Guards for fucks sake.

My best friend and I watched a video of a crowd of pro-palestinian protesters enter a subway car and demand any Zionists leave. We had to consider - would we have been safe if we were wearing the Star of David visibly in that situation? What about any observant Jews who dress religiously and are visibly Jewish? She said in that situation she would hide the Star of David and deny being Jewish. Sensible. Except she grew up following religious rules - I was born in Communist Russia, I know pretty much nothing about the religion and only a little about cultural traditions, I'm Pagan, so I usually identify way more w being Russian than Jewish - and being Jewish Matters to her in a way it really doesn't to me. Having to consider denying a core part of your identity to stay safe has to hurt.

After that video I considered what I would do. Bc I Will not live in a country where I'm unsafe being Jewish in public. The day I have to remove my Magen David for safety is the day I start planning to get my family out of here.

Bc we already did that once.

We came to the US as religious refugees. Bc the FIRST thing I learned about being Jewish, when I was THREE, was to never ever tell anyone I was Jewish.

And I'm damned if I go back to that. If I watch my mother go back to that. She spent her first 28 years ashamed of being Jewish, hiding it from her best friends. I won't watch her go back to that quietly.

So I thought. Where would I go in that situation?

Hmm, I still have my Russian citizenship. But that's out, frying pan-fire. My great grandparents are from Ukraine. Umm ...no for multiple reasons. Most of Europe is just as anti-Semitic. If the US gets unsafe, Canada will be too. Also, is any other country likely to take us? Prob not. I considered. And was left w my mother's solution. Israel.

Which I don't want - but if the choices are living in hiding, or being in danger, or leaving, well, my ancestors survived by leaving.

And things Are starting to feel unsafe. Not for me, not yet - I pass really really well bc I'm not religious and don't dress like a Jew, don't usually ( started this spring) wear a Star of David, live in a city w a fair amount of Jews - but the air of 'am I safe in this neighborhood, am I safe near a protest - persists bc it IS unsafe for those visibly Jewish. People got attacked for being in the streets.

I actually considered that. If I had to leave? I can go to any country that isn't actively hostile that will take me. I prefer Western and first world bc it's familiar but realistically? I could live most places. Observant Jews? Need there to be kosher grocery stores. Kosher farms - getting kosher meat is damned hard. They need enough Jews around to have a synagogue. The place has to be willing to give Jewish holidays off and let them go home early Fri to observe Shabbat w out penalizing them financially.

That really really limits options. In fact, I really don't know many places they could go.

Some people will say - if it's your life and survival on the line, just stop following the religion or hide it.

Pretty sure that's been done and tried - and as my best friend calls it - my ancestry, my past, my culture was STOLEN from me.

My connection to my race is bc I have family members that were murdered for it. That's my STRONGEST meaning of what it means to be Jewish.

And that's fucked up.

I don't want the religion - I love being Pagan and worshiping the Goddess got me through some very bad times - but I have a right to my ancestors'past, my family history, the culture my family on both sides followed until my great grandma was little. I have a right to the knowledge that was passed down unbroken for thousands of years - until communists said that we stop doing those things or die and my great great grandparents chose to live. Can't have been an easy choice - my great grandmas father was a Rabbi. She knew almost nothing about the religion and cared not at all about it - eating bacon included. Can't have been easy for him to see his children grow up abandoning their culture, not teach it to them - but he wanted them to live.

So no, any option that requires people to stop following their traditions, to hide their ethnicity ( and it is an ethnicity bc there are distinct differences in genome ) behind closed doors is not an option that is good or better.

Not while there IS a country that would allow us all to immigrate to it, not while the country will encourage those traditions, the preservation of culture, knowledge, language, food.

Which is when I agreed w my mother.

It is important that Israel exist.

Bc if we have to run, it is the only place that will definitely take us.

And while I would wish that the world was safe enough that running is absurd?

It's been shown recently, violently shown, that the possibility that my choices become hide or leave exists.

And when that happens, there needs to be a country that is ours, that will welcome us and fight to keep us safe. That country is Israel.

It exists, it exists on land that was either bought legally in the 1930s or won in a war in 1948 that was started by us being attacked to try to Take that land. It exists on land that thousands of years ago we were born on. Not just my ancestors - our culture, our religion, our nation. Where else should it exist?

It exists, and is so hotly defended, bc when we needed to run before, no one would take us and we were murdered. And I would really prefer to avoid experiencing that for myself and my children. So it needs to exist.

So yes, I became a Zionist.

Jewish people have a right to a country of their own in the land that they originally came from.

Israel exists and should exist.

Now, do I want the government to change and the war to stop? Yes, bc Palestinian people Also have a right to live there bc they Also have history there, and even if they didn't, why shouldn't there be other religions and races and ethnicities in Israel? There are already 2 million Arabs, Druze Christians, Bedouins, people should be able to live normally wherever they want to live, and all else aside there are a bunch of civilians who should be safe bc they just want to live their lives - and just like us, no one else will take them. Which... Why the hell are both groups having to argue over a tiny piece of land instead of being able to live freely and safely and stably in a dozen other countries? Neither people deserves to feel unsafe or unwelcome or without choices on where to live. It's 2024 for crying out loud. Both groups shouldn't feel pressured into crowding on a tiny piece of land!

( and yes, that is just tip of the iceberg of the mountain of reasons for the middle east being the mess it is. I'm not a scholar so I doubt I even know half of the situation)

But unfortunately I don't get a vote.

Frankly, I don't get a vote about Israel existing either. I think it should, but my opinion? Changes nothing.

But I will say, that I bet I'm not the only one whose opinion changed over this year. That went from not caring about Israel to being convinced it's a necessary safe measure.

People are fleeing France in droves - and they are fleeing to Israel.

Bc once again - only safe place that will quickly take them.

I only pray it doesn't reach this level in the US.

[sweetmonsooncos]

tw; mental health talk, mentions of unaliving attempts and depression

So I've been dealing with the fact I relapsed last year and it's been 112 days since it happened

As part of me recovering, I've been having therapy every week to try and work through what happened to me and get me in a place where I feel confident enough to come back online fully

Many of you won't know this, but I was very active on other platforms like Facebook, Instagram, tiktok and twitter but just before my attempt, I wiped myself off everything

I've kept Tumblr up because it's been a place for me to show off my cosplays without feeling judged and because I miss having a tumblr and engaging in fandom the way that I can on here

I haven't cosplayed properly since my nervous breakdown in July because I am so terrified of being rejected by people

(I did some costests which I've posted and after all the photos I've taken, I've gotten out of cosplay immediately and started crying bc I feel so ashamed and I had to fight off urges to kill myself for a long time afterwards)

I've lost all confidence in cosplaying because of my stupid anxious ass misreading situations and blowing things out of proportion and it is so fucking hard trying to get that spark back

I want to come back and share cosplays the way I used to, but I'm so scared that people are going to turn me away and that I'll get rejected in a space that I thought was safe for someone like me

I feel like everything I do isn't good enough and when I finally find a space that I feel I can be myself in, people don't want to know me and are completely indifferent to me

This isn't me saying anybody has done anything wrong, these are just the things my anxiety has made me believe but my god its so difficult to break from the cycle

I've spent weeks looking at fabric to buy to start making cosplays again but I get too scared and don't bother

I've even had nightmares about people rejecting me again in the space so I've decided when I actually come back fully online, I'm not going to bother interacting with people the way I used to because there's no fucking point when they'll turn me away sooner or later

I'm going to make cosplays, post them online and just leave it at that. No cons, no shares, no comments, just keep myself at a distance because I can't handle being rejected again and going back to square one

Which sucks because I got so much enjoyment interacting with people and making friends, but I don't want to relapse again and nobody will care enough to reach out to me because why the fuck would anybody bother interacting with me?

I'm nobody

I don't mean anything to anyone

Nobody considers me a friend in that community

I do often wonder if there is even any point in doing cosplay altogether and just taking my life offline completely because I can't let myself be hurt again

The only reasons I'm not is because I already have a platform for my author work and bc this is something I am working on fixing

But I'm learning to unpack it all in therapy and I hope that I'll be in a better place by the time I'm done and I'll be looking at this differently

If anybody read this, thank you, I am alright, I just needed to vent about things because it really eats away at me

Recovery is so fucking hard.

[seeminglyseph]

I’m like. Absolutely terrible at dealing with PMS, but, there’s something about getting used to knowing that, which is making it a little easier because now I’m like. “Okay, I’m starting to track the weeks now, and with my Fitbit that’s a little easier, and I can plan in advance for the mood shifts and the abrupt changes in my inflammation levels”

Though I admit I still forget how much it’s gonna affect me until it starts happening and I’m like “what the fuck is this shit why do i abruptly hurt more than i did a week ago? Also emotionally i want to die and my brain is not working properly at all” which i mean.

All of those things suck, so I think part of it is that thing where your brain forgets how bad pain is? Also since my memory and cognitive functioning just fucking nosedives every time I probably just like. Fully forget what it’s like. Because my brain is just lagging like I ran out of processing power and it’s a disaster.

But also I hated being on BC for menstrual control, and there are multiple sources that tie it with aggravating IIH, or triggering it. And so I don’t know, I don’t think I want to go back on BC. Though if I want to start having an active sex life I should definitely start looking into it, but also also I’m probably old enough and disabled enough I could get someone to tie my tubes without much fuss. I mean given that Canada is unacceptably cool with sterilization in too many situations I could probably just be like “I am not interested in passing my genetics down to another generation” and not have any doctors fight me since I’m already old enough that doctors would start having concerns. Yeah my mom had her kids at about this age but her illnesses were car related. Most of the autoimmune stuff showed up in my generation or my dad’s side of the family, or I didn’t hear about it because we moved to a different province and therefore I have like none of the family history that everyone else does.

I should maybe try and restart my Facebook since that’s where the family does social media but also that website is hell. I feel like I should try to do more social media in other places for like. Idk. Networking and communication and socialization, but also I feel like I hate that? And I don’t know the norms of those platforms at all and I’m starting way behind everyone else and it sucks. I don’t mind Reddit for the most part, though I’m not really active on it, but it has some communities that I like. But places where I’m expected to be myself is like. Hell. I like some degree of like… separation from my family and social expectations and stuff like. Probably no one here is gonna judge whether I’m presenting an acceptable enough representation of myself to the outside world of who I am.

Like this isn’t the version of me that feels like has to be business casual and not scare the normies? Idk exactly how to explain it without sounding fake but like there’s an acceptable amount of mentally ill or disabled or whatever for certain people and that’s for things that have my real name on it. And then there’s places where I can be seph who has problems with hygiene and ADHD and ASD and cPTSD and probably BPD or bipolar 2 or something and Agoraphobia and I haven’t been able to function in like 2+ years because of so many Symptoms of all the Things and it just makes people uncomfortable to have to deal with the reality of how much that affects a person and how that’s not easy to deal with or whatever. Or like the fact that people with all this shit take work and time and effort and whatnot, and are sometimes disagreeable and emotional and messy. And I don’t want to deal with people lashing out with anger because they want to be a good person, but they don’t have any patience to deal with like… the reality of caring for someone who isn’t a really convenient cute image of a damaged person they’d imagined. Like I empathize, because it is hard, but also like. I’ve dealt with it too much, too many times already and I’m kinda over it. So I dunno I’m figuring it out.

[llycaons]

ep46 (3/3): this is what it's all about. but I talk about surgical policy and jc's innumerable issues for several paragraphs first

this is legit one of the most achingly tender scenes, maybe the moat romantic and beautiful until the very last shot. or even more so. debatable. I really love the last shot. but we're starting with...torture

so in order to wrap my head around the truly absurd prospect of someone being awake for 36 hours straight AWAKE given that the pain and physical stress of surgery would cause way more issues, I'm going to assume that the pain wen ning refers to is only partially physical. the rest is what he describes above - the spiritual pain of tearing out the core and feeling that life and energy drawn out of him until he's empty and cold inside. that makes sense to me. the ramifications of having a blood-and-guts awake operation for that long is dizzying. that is straight up torture

ALSO saying he couldn't have painkillers and had to be awake is such a blatant angst-milking from mxtx. usually the story toes the line just enough for believability but this (and wwx living on the streets as a 4 yr old too, tbh) really stretches the imagination. not that homeless young children don't exist but it seemed like wwx really had NOTHING and he hadn't starved to death or frozen or been mauled despite frequently being attacked by wild dogs so idk it seems like a lot to accept. ANYWAY

god this is so depressing for wwx. so I don't want to critique wen qing because modern medical ethics around surgeries were decades in development and it was kind of an unusual situation, but I really don't think wq should have done the transfer. wwx was a healthy individual with a very high risk of death from this procedure. according to some googling (I know), the highest risk for a non-emergency surgery is an exploratory belly case, with a 47% chance of death.

surgeons can and do refuse to operate if the risk is too high (which is partially about surgeons maintaining their numbers, but still). and jc didn't medically need this surgery, so there was no risk of death on either patient. wwx pestering her to try shouldn't have even mattered...like not to deny his bodily autonomy but that kind of medical decision would never fly today. also jc didn't consent blah blah but actually he did? it wasn't fully informed but he knew he was getting a gc from somewhere. also you could argue he wasn't in his right mind but I'm not the surgery police so whatever.

obviously that's not the point and I'm not castigating wq for doing a favor for someone she felt she owed deeply and probably preventing jc from like killing himself, but I can't help analyzing it from a modern periop perspective bc that's kind of what I'm trained for

god, I kind of wish jc had died though. sure it would have been rough and wwx probably would have been hounded by guilt forever and the jiang clan wouldn't have been restored bc jyl would have never gotten the kind of support she would have needed, but ummm maybe wwx could have married lwj + convinced him to help the wens and jyl could have married jzx and it would all have been fine? no, that's silly. jgy was still out there, and if he'd killed jzx and broken jyl's heart then wwx would never have let the matter go. well it's nice to dream

btw I read a fic once where he died and it was a really boring modern AU. jc is a really great rich character I would miss him I'm just SO sick of him these days. start weeping again IDIOT

*glares at the fanfic that made wwx say he would rather die than be ordinary*

REGRETFUL FLASHBACK TIME!!! strictly speaking lwj didn't NEED this the way jc did because he always changed his ways but he wouldn't be lwj if he didn't take it hard. and he's already been supportive but I can see this making him even more caring and attentive bc jesus christ what a thing to learn

aw yeah the elbow grasp. I love this shot. so many point of contact

wwx bitterly reflecting on what a brat jc's always been - petty, looking to hurt, brash, saying anything as long as it gets a reaction. you'd think he'd grown out of it but wwx seems to be resigned to the fact that he just hasn't grown up at all

...so THERE fanfic author that make him react happily when jc insults him! canonically he dislikes it and is annoyed that jc can't grow the fuck up! it's so annoying when fics make jc the mature one to wwx's silliness bc that's literally the opposite. jc being mean and harsh doesn't mean he's mature and it's really bizarre to see people take him so shallowly. and if reconciliation is to happen jc HAS to get over this he HAS to mature a bit and not act like a bitch when he's mad and take out his rage irrationally on other like that!!! even if he blames wwx for jyl it makes zero sense to blame lwj for his parents he just wants to cling to a justification bc otherwise his life's tragedies have made zero sense. anyway he has issues

awww he was worried about lwj! dw baby I don't think he cares what jc says about him

oh my god it's shijie 😭 the music going I'm going to cry. he sees her in the woods he sees her in the water he loves her so much he misses her she was everything to him love and safety and parent and stability and affection and family and he's never going to stop loving her or missing her is he! I'm miserable

and of course wen ning is like ? and then she vanishes and wwx feels so lonely and empty and sad he just repeats what he used to say to her bc she understood when he needed comfort bc showing love and family through food is such a huge theme in this series

here's what I don't get. why did wwx do this himself and then have lwj scold him?

that isn't very tender lover of you lwj!!! who cares if the lake has an owner, wwx is hungry!!

god wn is so funny here sitting with his lotus seeds <3

what they should have done was have this happen FIRST! lwj sees wwx is hungry and reaches down, breaking the stem and the precepts in one fell swoop! anything for his beloved, who he's just realized has been through even more terrible suffering than he could have imagined! I like to think they get there and he's still not used to this, but come ON writers!

all else being said, it IS a very romantic scene. even if wwx looks flabbergasted like that. like, touched, but also very confused

and HE LOOKS TO WN FOR CONFIRMATION I love that moment and wn is like nodding like yeah young master wei! it's okay! he loves you! yeah it is a surprise he did that isn't it! but it's okay! let's eat some lotus seeds! what a sweetheart

nice shot of wwx looking happy for once in this goddamn episode. happy ending to this awkward yet very sweet impromptu comfort food-stealing boat ride

omg I forgot that it's from the jin clan. fics will have the lans use these ALL the time.

and this is so funny too he gets so excited the boat rocks and lwj has to steady him

I always loved this opening shot for yunping! so so colorful

I had to delete some other shots bc I love this so much. excited about being remembered like this

and then so happy!! this is one if his most enamored looks. sappiest. most in love, even

personal highlights: this is such a delicious episode. SO satisfying

all of wwx's longing looks staring at the ancestral shrine. gutting

wwx sideways acknowledging just how much myu punished him

jc really pressed all of my buttons but in ways that made the response from lwj and wn really satisfying, so I guess he was a team player for that one

that one shot where jc looks just like his mom? their mannerisms are SO similar

wwx stopping lwj with a hand an inch from his pelvis region. awkward and yet very intimate

lwj pushing jc away from wwx very roughly and then so so tenderly bringing wwx to safety

wen ning's passion + excellent memory

jc sobbing. YESSS CRY

"let's quickly take young master wei away from here'

my epiphany that wwx's surgical pain is partially spiritual. it's still pain but do not take this away from me I can't understand it otherwise

elbow grasp 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰

wwx complaining about what a terrible personality jc has always had

'I'm hungry' 🥺 and after an awkward stumble lwj came through!!! yess that's what wwx needs

wwx's adoring and pleased little smile at the very end. he's in loovveee

[ourmagicplace]

A Ripple- a fleeting mark that interrupts the surface, but impossible not to make when going through

I thought I'd take you through a journey of my mind, since you say you can feel like there's something going on with me, but you dont feel like you have the right to ask it. I know the feeling all too well-- the limitations. Its a double edged sword, cutting both ways that for some reason has taken up a big part of 'us'. I think I managed to explain myself last year when you mentioned you might see me in florida. I know how much I've changed since you met me. In many ways I feel like I'm still the same person but I suppose the dreamer and realist in me have constant fights that often let the other down. It often lets the inner core of me down in the long run. But I'm gonna do my best to share a few scattered thoughts with you. But maybe at the end things might balance out? I really have no clue how long I'll make this.

Did I ever tell you that you're the first person that ever broke up with me? While I've had rejections before it was more so before anything ever happened than something already going on and ending. Those parts? I seemed to have been the one at all points to be ending things. But with you? However impossible of a situation we were in, oddly I held on so hard. Almost unhealthily and I can admit that now. But hopefully I'll explain later on so you understand what I mean by unhealthy. I think we met at a time we both needed each other so much, and a point in our lives where this beautiful and lovely innocence took place. We created, like this blog is adequately named, a magic place. Somewhere we both could escape to, and it would be our cloud that no one could ruin. It was just us. Us against the world. We could talk for hours and feel everything together. There wasn't a filter but an abundance of love and support. I even think we became each other's muse in a certain way because we just brought out things in each other i'm not sure either of us have ever been able to replicate with anyone else since then.

When I lost you, it was one of the hardest things I had to go through. Which is ironic bc I had you emotionally in all the most beautiful ways that I hope people can find at least once in their lifetimes. There were so many things we didn't do, that are done so quickly in relationships now that you don't even bat an eye. But hear me out--I think because we didn't get to do those things, this has become something much bigger than any of us could ever think it could ever be. We've spent more than a decade in each other's lives. How many people can you truly say you've had that with? I can't say many for me, and I often think of you in different moments and sometimes I think, if this is all I get in this lifetime. This almost. Then it's okay. I'll take it. Because I don't know that it's in me to become someone's wife, someone's mother, or someone's forever.

I don't even know when that clicked for me, but somewhere in my journey, I looked around me, and I thought, how can I commit to something less than what I know I want? What I know I could get? It's a blessing and a curse, I suppose. To measure things against the other and think, just enough doesn't feel like enough. I'm not saying I measure everything against what we had, but also what I refuse to have, like certain aspects of my family members or what I see in some people I know. I've always hated the pressure and expectations. If I didn't worry so much about my parents, I'd like to think I would thrive elsewhere. There are moments like I had recently where I realized. I'm very charismatic. I can blend so well when I want to, and I know not everyone can do that. When I see that, and I do it without realizing in a moment I didn't expect? That's where I stop and think, how can I give these things up for anything less than remarkable? And so, I think that's where I start to become...I was gonna write tainted but I'm not sure that's the right word for it. Because it implies I'm dooming myself some way and while I do think that's true in a sense, I also am not afraid of being alone. Isn't that funny?

I like to think of it as a superpower sometimes. The fact that I tend to wear that badge of honor. I don't need anyone...anything I need I can make happen myself. I feel like I can rely on myself the most than anyone else. And sometimes? I think that can create problems. Somewhere along the line I became so okay with just me, that I feel like the vulnerability I used to have and I still do, but I don't wear it on my sleeve as often, is what makes me become into some kind of shook-up coke bottle. All these bubbles are being created inside waiting to burst open the cap. Only before that happens, I'll twist it just a little so enough seeps out to give its release without letting it pour-over. But then, it happens again.

I know I've mentioned to you in the past I feel like I need to see a therapist and trust me, it's in my plans but I'm stubborn on trying to deal with it on my own. I honestly think that if Daniel didn't buy a home near my parents, we would have broken up already. And don't worry I'm not gonna dive into that part that much, but its part of a thought process of a bigger thing that I wanted to share. I know myself a lot, and I can't settle for something that makes me think of a future similar to one I've had with my father in the past. It's part of the reason he knows I'll never say yes to an engagement so he's never asked me. I stopped it way before he even tried to attempt it. I sometimes ask myself if I wasn't so self-aware, if perhaps I would be happier? Maybe things would have been easier had I gone with the flow and not put so many limitations and expectations, but then again, I wouldn't really be me would I have been?

Recently i had a moment with a stranger--an entertainer in an event i attended for halloween where i was trying to hype the group to his attention bc a lot of people were chattering and not paying attention to his bit. we had a lovely back and forth that felt so natural and fun that for a brief moment i completely forgot i was there with daniel. and in the back of my head a voice told me, when was the last time you had this easeness with him? and it was a hard voice to get rid of. and this wonderful stranger who i know nothing about, he's here providing me with a little window like, wouldn't it be lovely to have something like this again, but real?

laughter airiness and sweetness. i run back my greatest hits and even briefly scrolling through this page i avoid so much-- yet at the same time dont because it also brings me comfort, I realize. the peak of those feelings? they were always with you. because like I said to you earlier today, we were easy. no limitations no expectations. we were just us. and being just us it worked so well that it was scary. getting to know each other was such a beautiful thing that i keep circling back and i dont think you realize how much i do. but i do, and i keep saying if this is what i get, i'll take it. theres one person in this world that's always been a constant. that knows more about me than anyone else. that cares for me in a way that i dont think anyone else could come close to. if this is it and thats all i can get then i'm okay with having experienced that.

so for me, as the realist. i'll have it as a half measure because i know both of our families need us. that we've forged different futures that don't seem to overlap, and that's okay. we can only do so much until the world says these are the terms and we gotta change the script again. so why do i mention this recent scenario? well, it's reappeared that magnifying glass that i keep hovering over. the one that tells me i dont want what i have. that i want more, and so i've expressed this to him. my relationship feels like a ticking timebomb and my brain? it cant fathom a future so i'm sure that will become a fact eventually. i just dont have the heart to do it without giving it more of a shot since he did such a big gesture of moving closer to me. so as much as a broken record that i sound like, witnessing that interaction, knowing first hand with you that it can be real with the right person? i want better and if i cant have it, i'm okay. there can be worse things. like never having met you.

so i'm gonna try to go full circle with this and elaborate the unhealthy. i know you dont remember a lot of things due to your accident. (& i dont think i ever had a disease) but i know i was very low sometimes and especially during the period of not being with you, i started to lose weight and with the added stress of the dude that wont be named, he sucked out a lot of energy. I was super skinny and pale and threw up constantly because I was so anxiety ridden. my aunt made me go to a doctor and he checked me and i was fine. so i realized it was all in my head. i was letting so much of what i was feeling numb take over that i didnt feel like doing anything else really. i blame so much of that for allowing that leech to take my empathy. i let myself start to fade. But then a renaissance happened to me where i just completely rebelled to be a freer me and I did do better. I was better and I grew confidence in myself. I saved myself.

Now, i'm not going to take away all that you've helped me. I really don't want you to feel like I don't value it because I do. I feel like you've been my rock, but also given me outlets that have made feeling all these feelings more bearable. I surround myself with them constantly, trying to fill whatever voids I still have in myself. I love that you check in with me, that you can tell if i'm off and that you share small things with me and I can just message you whenver and we can pick up in pocket moments like no time has passed.

But because of all my emotional scars, i've evolved. i just...sometimes keep it all in, and can't bring myself to have it out in the open like you seem so willing to. it feel like it's not my place to do that. that i'm endulging in something that doesnt really belong with me so its a mini battle sometimes, but like i mentioned. this is a ripple moment. so, let's let it do a bit of a circles before it settles down to normal water again.

bonus lyric that reminds me of the beginning: Is this the end of the moment or just a beautiful unfolding Of a love that will never be or maybe be Everything that I never thought could happen or ever come to pass and I wonder If maybe, maybe I could be all you ever dreamed