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thegreenxrcher · 4 years

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For my own protection, anon asks are turned off for now + people I don’t follow cannot speak to me through messages. If I want to write with you – I will follow back! If I forgot to follow back, send me an ask~

ABOUT THE MUN:

SharFully, but you can call me Shar 😊

21 +

Full-time job so my time is limited during the week

I also have 2 pet birds, who will get my attention first and there are days he demands it more than other days

I have at least 10 years on me on RP'ing

Dutch is my mother language - not English, so I apologize for the mistakes I make, you may correct me as long as you do it without judging 😉

I have ADD - one of the things that affects me is my concentration span, sometimes I just can’t get things done.

I’m a shy bean and an awkward one! But when you get to know me I’m very easy going, just not easy for me to reach out to you at times, I do try to find the courage though, it’s just hard…

WHAT KIND OF BLOG:

Independent

Multi-verse

Multi-ship

Adult content

Multi para to (sometimes) novella

Mutuals only

Sadly, I’m slow in general

FOLLOWING, UNFOLLOWING & (SOFT)BLOCK:

If I follow you, that means I want to write with you!

If you follow me, I will check out your blog to see if I can work with you. I’m not a fan of people who don’t bother using capitals, periods, commas and apostrophes, when I only see one-liners, no active storylines going on, spammers of random stuff and no OOC drama

I will unfollow if you’ve been inactive for a month - if you return I don’t mind following back, I like to keep my following list clean.

I will unfollow when you unfollowed me first

I will unfollow when you spam my dash, this is because I have a tendency to check my dash with new notifications (attention span of a goldfish) and if I have to do that every few seconds, I won’t get anything done. This is nothing personal

I will block you when I see you’re bullying someone, spread hate and/or post things with passive aggressive behavior

I WILL (SOFT)BLOCK you if I have the need to protect myself from whatever. I should not have to explain myself why I decided to do this, I just will...

Storylines that haven’t been replied to for 2 months will be archived. I will do my absolute best to do my replies as fast as I can and and not let them turn this old.

ABOUT RP:

Long replies will mostly be done in the weekend, I will try to do them during the week as well, but after a long day of work it might be difficult for me to focus on them

I try not to have favorites, but I do - I think everyone does. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to write with you and that your reply isn’t coming. Sometimes my muse is stronger for someone else’s thread. Please don’t take it personally!

I will try to tag everything accordingly - I will not make tags for people unless they want their blog URL to be tagged! I’ll try not to forget!

Is our thread ending? I will tag it with 〘 the end 〙 - this doesn’t mean I don’t want to continue writing with you! Send me something new?😇

I will try to match your reply! But I’m sorry if it isn’t - I’m trying to improve my writing but lengthy stuff doesn’t always come easily to me

I’M OKAY WITH:

Sending me asks/memes

Tag me in stuff that is based on our threads or connected to our muses!

Original characters, as long as they are well build - with a good background and such, not just a name age and whatever, you know?😖

Violence, abuse, torture, smut (not without a storyline and building a relationship) and a lot of other things that are NSFW

Multiple storylines

Multiple threads, I don’t have a limit of threads for my partners

Cross-overs, I welcome them even! I try to make new verses & AU’s for Ollie and my other boys from time to time~

You reminding me that I owe you - just don’t force me, okay?

I’M NOT OKAY WITH:

One-liners - and I don’t mean some casual fun or something that grows into a bigger thread. I mean only one-liners.

OOC Drama / passive aggressive behavior in chat and on dash - I’ve been there and don’t want to go there again

What my muse does to your muse is totally separate from me and you - please don’t think I don’t like you, Oliver and especially Caligo can be a dick sometimes and that doesn’t mean that I don’t like you! It’s not personal 😊

PLEASE DON’T STEAL! I’ve made a lot of things myself and they are for no one else to use - I’ve put a lot of effort in my graphics and to make my blog look good

Please don’t push/force me to reply

Don’t push a ship on me, things need to evolve naturally

I’m not okay with incest… It makes me feel uncomfortable.

#〘 ooc 〙behind the mask there lies the truth #(( rules ))

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juuls · 7 years

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Got any stuckony recs?

YES! Absolutely yes!

My apologies this took until today. I had a busy weekend and had to rest a lot, but I’m here now. :) Also, I don’t have my old bookmarks list (long story) so I’m having to go through and look for my favorites, old and new. Long process! (This took me over four hours, though I was doing a few other things as well. Still, I’m a bit of a slowpoke.)

See below the cut for some of my favorites, and don’t forget to leave kudos and comments (even just an “I liked this!”) for the authors, to let them know their hard work is appreciated!

(If someone knows an author’s Tumblr handle, let me know or tag them so that I can edit this rec list and tag them appropriately!)

Equilateral by FestiveFerret @festiveferret

It was the way Steve had said, “I found him,” the desperate, agonized hope, that had Tony replying with, “Bring him home,” without any hesitation.

But now, now he was hesitating like fuck.

Penny Candy and Sparklers by StrivingArtist @striving-artist

James Buchanan Barnes: formerly the Winter Soldier, formerly Captain America’s right hand man, formerly a sergeant, formerly a dock worker, formerly Stevie’s best friend…. currently a glorified prisoner of Prince T’Challa…. had trouble wrapping his head around all those former selves. He spent too much time thinking about all the bits of him that he kept gluing back together to pretend he was a person anyone would want to keep. He spent even more time picking at the cracks, pointing the flaws out to himself. Only thing he did more than that was make sure no one else noticed how far he was from human.

So, James Buchanan Barnes, who didn’t know what to call himself, who didn’t know how to go forwards, agreed, and moved back into the tower where his best friend lived with a husband orphaned by the Winter Soldier.

Hide A Heart of War by RayShippouUchiha @rayshippouuchiha

“You’ve got war in your heart boy,” Howard sneers, “don’t ever try and pretend to be anything but what you are.”

Tony feels the familiar burn of a flower mark being etched into his skin but he doesn’t look, doesn’t try and check to see what it is. Instead he keeps his eyes on Howard and his hands cupped around his bleeding mouth and nose.

Of Spiders and Super-Soldiers by AuddieAussie (Juulna’s note: I come back and read this all the time when I need some family feels and a smile. :))

After the hell that was Ultron and the Sokovia Accords, Tony doesn’t blame the team for wanting nothing to do with him. To make up for past mistakes, Tony disappears into his lab and focuses on using his money and brains to provide the Avengers with more fancy tech than they’ll ever need. By doing this, he also doesn’t have to worry about Steve’s grim frown, Bucky’s hateful gaze, or everyone else’s cold annoyance.

For six long months, this formula worked, but then fate decided to be a Loki-like dick and Tony wasn’t sure how it happened, but in the span of one week, he’d somehow acquired a kid.

and you needed someone to show you the way by SailorChibi @tsuki-chibi

Tony knows what the team really thinks of him. It’s a delicate balance: they tolerate him because of his money and his toys, and he gets to stay on the team and fight with them. He’s okay with that. So long as he hides the fact that Steve’s and Bucky’s names are written on his skin in the most embarrassing act of one-sided love affection ever, everything will be fine.

It just figures that a fantastically stupid villain, a kidnapping plot and a video camera will bring Tony’s well-kept secret out into the open.

The Mechanic, The Soldier, and The Captain by AvocadoLove (Juulna’s note: this is sad)

HYDRA need a replacement for Zola’s genius, and they have years worth of experience breaking and brainwashing a good man into something they can control.

Beware of Super Soldiers And Their Enticing Laps by Confused_Emo

Tony’s eyes shifted back toward the remaining occupants of the room only to realise there was literally no space in the sitting area for him.

This apparently was the best time for Bucky to make suggestive gestures, as the soldier patted his thigh lasciviously, “Why don’t you come sit on my lap, plenty of space right here.”

Just Far Enough by TheSopherFly (Juulna’s note: please read the tags. This is triggering and sad and angsty but fucking phenomenally well done and one of my all-time favorites… And I don’t like angst at all.)

Tony couldn’t honestly remember how long it had been like this. Probably since the day he’d called T’Challa and offered his help. At first it had just been compulsive self-denial: you can’t eat until you’ve drafted your opening remarks, until you’ve finished your research, until you’ve rewritten every last colon and comma and apostrophe in those Accords so that everyone can come home.

Those goals had been realistic. Lately, they’d become impossible. Until everyone forgives you. Until you forgive yourself. Until you make up for every bad thing you’ve ever caused.

He was fine. He was coasting in a dangerous place, but he was fine. He wasn’t taking it too far - just far enough.

Trinity by cinaea (immediately followed by pt. 2: Volition)

He’s become the kind of monster he all but died trying to stop.

A D/s, soul-bond AU set in modern day. More than two years ago, Bucky Barnes was lost during a Howling Commandos mission and captured by HYDRA. He and fellow prisoners Clint and Natasha—all submissives—are treated as slaves and forced to carry out terrorist attacks for their masters. An attack by the Avengers enables their escape but leaves Bucky with an incomplete soul bond to two superheroes.

Vowing to never be imprisoned again, Bucky and his friends go on the run from HYDRA, from law enforcement, and from the two dominants who will do anything to find him.

Don’t Tell Pepper by Crematosis

Tony convinces Steve that it is totally okay to include Bucky in their relationship because nobody will ever know. They’ll keep it a secret from the team and they’ll absolutely keep it a secret from Pepper because she’ll only yell at them.

Like most of Tony’s good ideas, it comes back to blow up in his face.

Underneath the Mistletoe by DreamcatchersDaughter @dreamcatchersdaughter

5 times Tony gets caught underneath the mistletoe and one time he doesn’t (and thank fuck for that).

and another like it by the same author:

Christmas Kisses (aka Sam is So Done With Your Shit)

Their mutual pining is driving him crazy, but its okay cause Natasha’s got a plan.

The Colors That Bind Us by yasminakohl @stuckonstoney

When Steve Rogers was six a boy saved him from a bully, then sky went from white-gray to brilliant blue.

When Bucky fell, the world stayed colorful and everyone told him it was because of the serum, he believed them.

When he woke from the ice and he finds the black and white he’d expected years ago, sixty-six years ago it seems, he’s crushed.

Now there’s color again, this time it comes with amazing reds and golds.

Until he wakes up and his sky is brilliant and his color mate is trying to kill him, his first color mate.

Will Steve ever be able to have his blue, red and gold?

The Melting, the Spark, and the Suffocation by btBatt @batterology

“So, Bucky,” he said, clapping his hands. “You ready to change the lives of asthmatic little punks everywhere?” Bucky sent a skeptical look Steve’s way.

“It seems to be my calling in life,” he said. Steve just smiled. He looked a little like he was having a moment, one of his oh-my-God-I-have-Bucky-back moments, so Tony smiled too.

“There are worse things,” Tony mused.

“Hear, hear,” Natasha said.

The Limitations of Wax by RayShippouUchiha @rayshippouuchiha (Juulna’s note: This has been untouched for quite a while but there are separate WiPs being written and branched off of this – and completed – that are fantastic, and the core character study in this fic is fantastic so I still recommend it.)

Toni Stark grows up with the tale of Icarus swirling in the back of her mind. Instead of taking it as a precautionary tale about hubris and overreaching she decides it’s more about the limitations of wax.

Years later when she builds herself wings of her own she makes sure to build them out of better material.

Difficult Conversations by yumekuimono @yumekuimono

HYDRA had brainwashed their Asset into silence, and then muzzled him to boot. It’s not that surprising that Bucky no longer considers talking to be one of his strong suits. So why does he keep having to have difficult conversations?

Or, the road to loving Tony Stark is never an easy one. (Juulna’s note: Eventual/Pre-OT3)

Strip it Down by Batfink

“Think about who you’re talking to Bucky. I am the technology king. What you’re asking me to do goes against everything I hold dear.” Tony looked positively distraught.

Bucky slid his hand onto Tony’s cheek, tilting his head until their eyes met. “Crying, Tony. Over the fucking washing machine.”

Giving a Friend a Hand by neunundneunzig (seasidesunset)

Bucky gets Tony’s help dealing with… anatomy malfunctions, and it turns into much more.

Operation: Knuckleheads by FestiveFerret @festiveferret

Bucky is enjoying his new, post-Winter Soldier life at Avengers Tower, until he discovers that the constant tension between Steve and Tony was caused by a recent (and mysterious) breakup. Determined to make his friends happy, Bucky gives himself a new mission: figure out what went wrong, and get these two idiots in love back together again.

Compass Heading by antigrav_vector @disco-pinecone

So… It’s complicated. Steve went and got himself killed on a mission, and, somehow, in the aftermath, Tony ended up getting together with Barnes. He’s still not entirely sure how that happened, really, but he’s not about to question it too hard. He’s enjoying it too much.

Then, because the universe loves turning his life upside down, they find Steve. It’s been two years, and things have changed, but Tony still cares about the asshole, and that, right there, is a problem.

Too Damn Short by MrShyRockstar

“I’m too short for this shit.”

This literally sums up this little ficlet. Tony’s too short, Steve is clearly (to anyone with eyes *coughnottonycough*) pining, and Bucky is just watching everything with exasperated amusement. That is all.

Put Your Arms Around Me, Hold Me Tight by StarSpangledBucky

Tony and Bucky desperately need to sort out the kink in their relationship, before they both lose Steve, or one of them does. It isn’t until the second week Steve is away on a mission that Tony goes through a nightmare, and Bucky decides to comfort him. From there, it gives them a chance to talk. And by the time Steve comes back, he’s more than satisfied by the results.

Minefields by arianapeterson19 (Juulna’s note: Please heed the tags! Content is triggering for abusive relationships.)

Being in an abusive relationship was a bit like needing glasses. He didn’t realize it until the damage was done.

Funny how people assume only men can be abusive.

And a new fic by a new author I would like to recommend to people to read:

Lonely Boy by thereddame @the-red-dame

Tony gets a visit from a Tony from a different universe and she needs him to help keep her children safe until Girl-Tony can kick some HYDRA ass. She’s being pretty tight-lipped about the father but he’s got a sneaking suspicion it’s Steve. Hey, maybe he can get ‘best babysitter in the universe’ award after this?

I’m sure since you are sending me an ask you know about my fics (though maybe not my oneshot), but I’ll list them anyway. ;)

Necrosis by Juulna

Necrosis (from the Greek νέκρωσις “death, the stage of dying, the act of killing” from νεκρός “dead”)

Tony always thought he’d die first, of the three of them. He’d accepted it, even. Hell, he wasn’t even sure that Steve or Bucky coulddie. Shows how much he knew.

Hanging From a Cross of Iron by Juulna

Toni Stark never - not even once - had a soulmark appear. Not one she can remember, at any rate. But when one finally appears, and the date of her rendezvous seems impossible to meet, does she decide to move on with her life, and forget the words written upon her skin?

Of course not. She’s Toni fucking Stark. Making the impossible possible is practically her family motto.

Well… there we go! I hope that that suffices for recommendations? If you want some more, I’m happy to provide them! Happy reading, and don’t forget:

Leave the authors your love in the form of a kudos and/or comment!

MUAH! xoxo

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undiscoveredstory · 7 years

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Hey mom! Could I hear some historical hamgelica facts, if there are any? (Btw me and a friend were having a debate about weather lams or hamgelica was more likely- I was on the lams side lol)

Hey kiddo!!! Oh man, this is a fun one! ;) I know I won’t be able to get all my thoughts on this down in one ask, but I’m gonna try. Here we go!

Let’s look at the first letter Hamilton sends Angelica on August 3, 1785, once she goes abroad with her family

First of all, he called her “My Dear Sister” in this letter

This is pretty telling to how he views the relationship–– keep this in mind as we continue

He goes on to say this:

“My affection for Church and yourself made me anticipate much enjoyment in your friendship and neighbourhood. But an ocean is now to separate us.”

For Church and yourself

This is both her and her husband, who Hamilton was friends with

Also keep that in mind as we continue!!!

In October 1787, we have a letter from Angelica to Hamilton

In this one she twice calls him “my dear brother” and at the close refers to herself as “very sincerely your friend”

She also makes a famous mistake in this letter!!!

She writes:

“Indeed my dear, Sir if my path was strewed with as many roses, as you have filled your letter with compliments, I should not now lament my absence from America”

This is where we get “comma after dearest” from

But in context, it is very clearly a grammatical error on her part!!!

“Dear sir” is a very common term in this time period, and I have no doubt that that is what she meant

She just misplaced a comma!

Yet this single mistake is used as fuel for the Hamilton/Angelica theory

If we put it in proper context, we can see it just doesn’t point to true flirtation

Remember how she refers to him as a brother in this letter... twice

In Hamilton’s response to this letter, we see some flirtatious language

He teases her about her comma, mistake, too:

“You ladies despise the pedantry of punctuation. There was a most critical comma in your last letter. It is my interest that it should have been designed; but I presume it was accidental. Unriddle this if you can. The proof that you do it rightly may be given by the omission or repetition of the same mistake in your next.”

To me, this is obvious teasing

Especially because he teases her in a similar manner throughout all of their correspondence

He also gossips with her about Kitty Livingston

And talks about her husband

They have a rapport, certainly, but within the context of the letter and their correspondence as a whole, I don’t see it as a romantic rapport

The next letter we have is written by Angelica aboard the vessel she’s sailing on from NYC to England, after spending some time with Eliza and Hamilton

In it she refers to Hamilton as a brother FOUR times

I think she makes it clear how she views him!!!

And if we have any doubt on how he views her, she clears that up in this letter, as well:

“you said I was as dear to you as a sister keep your word, and let me have the consolation to beleive that you will never forget the promise of friendship you have vowed.”

She makes reference to him calling her a sister here

So I think we know how he viewed her......

If we had any doubt, he starts his next letter with “My Dear Sister”

In this letter he tells Angelica that both he and Eliza spend much time lamenting her departure

He writes:

“Betsey and myself make you the last theme of our conversation at night and the first in the morning. We talk of you; we praise you and we pray for you. We dwell with peculiar interest on the little incidents that preceded your departure. Precious and never to be forgotten scenes!”

They lament Angelica’s leaving together for she is a sister to them both

Honestly this is the pattern we see in the rest of the letters

Aka, they constantly refer to each other as brother and sister, as friends; Hamilton and Eliza miss her and talk about her together, which he mentions multiple times

In conclusion: I do not at all believe Hamilton and Angelica ever had an affair, not only because of the lack of evidence, but also because I find it impossible to believe Angelica would ever betray Eliza like that

I hope I did an okay job explaining this!!! I have so many thoughts on this, but they all boil down to my belief that there was nothing between them. You have to remember that this is the 18th century. Their writing style was different from ours, and that we need to take Hamilton and Angelica at their word: they have a brother/sister relationship, not a romantic one.

So to settle the bet between you and your friend: I would put all my money on Hamilton and Laurens and none of my money on Hamilton and Angelica ;) If you want to see my arguments for Hamilton/Laurens I’ve bolded those links below!!! :)

(Read Eliza Schuyler Facts Part One) (Read Eliza Schuyler Facts Part Two)(Hamilton insulted Eliza?) (Was Eliza smart?) (How did Eliza react to Ham’s death?) (Tench Tilghman’s crush on Eliza)

(Read Peggy Schuyler Facts) (Read Cornelia Schuyler Facts) (Read Info on Schuyler Siblings) (Read Caty Schuyler Facts)

(Read Lafayette Facts Part One) (Read Lafayette Facts Part Two) (Read Lafayette Facts Part Three)

(Read Lams Facts) (Read about John Laurens’ sexuality) (Do Laurens’ letters to Hamilton still exist?) (Read John Laurens Facts Part One)

(Read Angelica Hamilton Facts) (John Church Hamilton: Letter Ruiner) (How did Hamilton and Eliza react to Philip’s death?)

(Read Hercules Mulligan Facts) (Read Deborah Sampson Facts) (Read Maria Reynolds Facts) (Did Nathan Hale and Ben Tallmadge have a relationship?) (How did Mulligan and Lafayette react to Hamilton’s death?) (Responses to the Reynolds Affair)

(My history tag)

#hamilton #angelica schuyler #angelica #eliza #eliza schuyler #history #history things #it's literally my job to talk about this and i love it #thanks for the ask!!!#Anonymous

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fivewrites · 7 years

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5557 Reviews Your Fanfic #2: In Space, No One Can Hear You Have a Breakdown by paladont

Hello, friends, I am 5557 on Ao3 and I review your fanfiction if you want me to.

In Space, No One Can Hear You Have a Breakdown by paladont

@cranberrycurator

Rating: T

Warnings: None

Tags: Anxiety Attacks, fluff

Summary: Lance wakes up in the middle of the night with a panic attack, and ends up connecting with the last person he ever expected.

Optional info:

Is English your first language? Yes

How long have you been writing for? 10 years

Are you 18+? Yes

Do you want publish / write professionally one day? Maybe

Technical Style / Formatting: Paragraphs are of good size and consistent double-spacing. Easy to look at. Italics are used sparingly but effectively to indicate thoughts. Single quotes are used for thoughts as well as italics. This is not necessary, as italics or single quotes alone are fine, but it’s also not bad. Just a stylistic choice.

There is a tense error in the very first paragraph. It switches from present tense in the first sentence, to past tense in the second. It’s very important to be consistent and clean in the first few paragraphs so that readers won’t be confused about the present moment, and will also want to keep reading. Readers are fickle and can abandon a fic that has too many errors in search of a more polished one!

Throughout the story there are some errors that a spell check won’t pick up, so I recommend doing a final pass over your fic, or getting a beta reader to go over it. Again, these aren’t huge, breaking errors, but for a clean, polished fic, things like “Each second he spends going from the bed to the door, he desperately trying to rationalize trying to” can be fixed easily.

“Oh, heyyy.”

Another personal opinion, I don’t think stretching a word out onomatopoeically is necessary. I prefer to see the dialogue accented with action. ‘“Oh, hey,” he says through a clenched grin.’ Again, not wrong, just personal style.

“Keith is blindsided by the thanks, looking surprised. “Yeah, sure.” He bites his lip, looking for something good to say.”

I think this is more of an error than a choice, but this sentence sounds like we’re flipping to Keith POV suddenly, rather than all Lance as we’ve had so far. It just needs editing.

Pace: The prose pace is fast and solid. Although I ask for more detail about Lance’s nightmares, I’m never hugely lost about where Lance is or what time it is.

I appreciate how we don’t linger too long on one moment, and the story moves past an idea that has fully completed.

However, the plot pace has some issues which I cover in the flow and story section.

Dialogue: Excellent dialogue. It sounds natural and smooth. It’s really a strong suit of you writing. I don’t have too much to say here because it’s really, really good. Try experimenting with punctuation to get breaths and pauses in. Use semicolons, dashes and commas and see which ones are needed where. It can change the flow and read naturally. But really, it’s good. Give yourself a pat on the back.

Characterization: Aside from the tense issues, the imagery is quite good, and it reveals Lance as nervous and out of sorts. I like that motion and sensory images are used to give us his state, rather than just telling us a summary of how he feels.

Lance’s reflection on his family is a little simplified, but it’s not out of character. It’s just, as I said, not especially new when it comes to fic. Every langst fic has Lance reflecting on his family, so it can become repetitive if it’s all the same. However, what’s written here is good, and it makes sense character-wise for Lance.

I really like how Keith is portrayed as neutral. He’s not an asshole, just someone who’s a little guarded.

Although I feel like Lance’s breakdown is well-written, and transitions naturally from hiding, to spilling, then to shame, I think I’d want a bit more detail about why Lance feels so much shame being emotionally vulnerable in front of Keith. Right now he’s really embarrassed and ashamed, but Lance was shown to be vulnerable in front of both Hunk and Coran. So why specifically Keith that bothers him?

‘"I mean, you know...if you're not one hundred percent...you could stay in my room. In case you need someone to talk to. Or you just like someone just. Being there." It sounds really stupid once he suggests it. Lance mentally slaps himself.’

This part seems like the smallest bit of a stretch. I get that this is a brain fart on Lance’s part, but as said above, he is really ashamed of being seen as vulnerable by Keith, and then he does a very quick 180 and invites Keith to his room? Is Lance aware of his feeling for Keith and the reader doesn’t know? It’s just… a very fast development.

“It feels weird having Keith in his bedroom. Has Lance ever invited him in before? He doubts it. It felt like an oddly intimate gesture, especially given their sometimes tedious relationship.”

At least the fic is kinda self-aware that this is odd?

Nothing feel necessarily out of character, it just feels like a few chunks of time are missing that would fill the reader in a bit better as to what goes on. I believe that lance would eventually invite Keith to his room, just not, like, immediately.

Flow / Prose Style: The first few sentences give very nice vivid imagery and action. I can really sense the shock and discomfort Lance is feeling right from the get-go. However, as we progress, some of the longer sentences become overly complex and confusing. They use a lot of filler and modifier words and become unclear in their imagery.

‘Lance’s mind supplies a dozen different things that he could have been dreaming about instead, not even remotely elevating any of his sudden worries.’

The first part is vague on several levels, one being the “different things” (what things?) and two that he may or may not be thinking about them (why mention this if he is not thinking about them?) The last section, I’m not sure what you’re trying to get across. “Not even remotely” goes into more vague territory and “elevating his sudden worries” (again, what worries?) leaves me wondering what this whole sentence is trying to tell me. The next sentence switches tense again, so as a reader I am left wondering what is happening in the present, and what is going on with Lance.

On the upside, your short, snappy paragraphs are effective at creating tension, and holding interest. This writing doesn’t need to be the long, drawn out paragraphs of Jane Austen or Herman Melville. It’s more quick and dense, like Hemingway or Chuck Palahniuk

I am also a big fan of an effectively placed one-sentence paragraph.

My biggest piece of advice, and one that I struggle to follow myself, is once you have finished a full chapter, leave it for 24 hours, and then go back and re-read it as an editor. You will catch your own mistakes, and you will find areas of chunky prose that can easily be fixed by moving the sentence structure around a bit. If you practice switching between creative writing and editing, your writing will improve very quickly.

When we get to the interaction with Keith, there’s a lot more filler-modifier words, “almost, somehow, tries to, as if that were” re-read these and see if they are necessary.

Story: Right off the top, the summary tells me that this is a story that’s been done before. Which, is not necessarily a bad thing, but now because a question of, how can we separate this story from others like it, and make it unique?

When we get to the point where Lance is searching his brain for a person to talk to, I really want to know in more detail what exactly is bothering him. If he has a specific nightmare, it would help him choose which person to seek out, even if the person he eventually ends up around is Keith. Say, if Lance has a nightmare about the ship falling apart, he could seek out Coran or Hunk for reassurance.

So we go into the section where Lance reminisces about his family and home life, and get a feel for how he’s homesick. The difficult thing with going into deep memories for more than a couple paragraphs is that the reader might get lost and forget where we are right now. I think we’re in the hallway? It’s good to yank us back to the present every so often to re-establish and anchor where we actually are.

“His body is so worn from stress and hurt, he can feel himself giving in.”

Was Lance fighting a major battle recently? This is the first we’ve really heard of it. More detail would give us more connection.

“Lance much prefers imagining this goofy scenario in his head, as opposed to all the awful things he was thinking about just minutes ago.”

I really want to know the awful things.

The story starts off well, but when Lance considers who to talk to about his nightmares, the plot / characterization fall into what I call the “Klance Funnel” That is, stretches are made here and there to force Keith and Lance together when normally they wouldn’t want to or need to interact.

The klance funnel isn’t entirely unbelievable, and it certainly lets the reader know where the story is headed, but that can also be where a story sags a bit. There isn’t much mystery or coincidence in their meeting. It’s not… organic. When we finally do have the characters meet, it feels more like the hand of God has shoved them together like barbie dolls rather than a situation where two real people come together incidentally.

This is my personal opinion. Some people really like stories that are “set up” and you know what’s going to happen and how it all plays out. I, personally, like a bit of will-they-won’t-they rather than a “yeah, they definitely will, and here it is”.

Another thing about the klance funnel is that is has the effect of reducing the other characters to one-notes, or even writes them out completely. I liked that Pidge was Lance’s first choice, but we never really got to meet her or have her interact.

Overall: The story is likable, and definitely readable. I didn’t have any huge cringe moments, nor did I feel bored or have my attention wander away. I do wish for more details of Lance’s nightmares, why he’s embarrassed to be vulnerable in front of keith and then… maybe some development before they start sleeping together right away to reduce the big leap?

Other than that, it’s a nice, easy read and something a Klance fan would enjoy.

#vld #voltron #Voltron legendary defender #writing help #fanfic reviews #voltron reviews #my reviews

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fivewrites · 7 years

Text

5557 Reviews Your Fanfic #1: Number Five Privet Drive by GuestPlease

Hello, friends, I am 5557 on Ao3 and I review your fanfiction if you want me to.

This is my first review of the series, so let’s dig in! (I got rid of the numbers, because I felt like they weren’t working. And I’d rather just talk anyway.)

Number Five Privet Drive by GuestPlease

@notherefortheanonhate

Fandom: Harry Potter ( I’m happy to concrit anything, though I cannot speak for character or plot development on properties that I am unfamiliar with. I can only speak to technical work. However, I have read Harry Potter, and am decently familiar with the details. )

Rating: G

Warnings: None

Tags: None

Optional info:

Is English your first language? Yes

How long have you been writing for? 5 years

Are you 18+? Yes

Do you want publish / write professionally one day? No / maybe

Technical Style / Formatting: Mostly good. The spacing between paragraphs is a little odd. It’s not unreadable, but if you’re going for double-spaced format, each new line of dialogue should be double-spaced. Right now, there are groupings of dialogue that are single-spaced, and then a double, and then more singles.

There is an odd tense choice in the second paragraph, “Minerva McGonagall will readily admit that she was one of the most recent hatstalls in Hogwarts history. She does not admit, under any circumstances, that the Hat was quite insistent upon placing her in Slytherin House for a solid three minutes.” is in present tense, while the story is written in past tense. I mean, it could technically slide, but when you switch to present tense for these facts, it sort of implies that the character is “currently alive” and is more first-person-ish than third person. It’s not 100% wrong, but it changes the viewer’s “feel” of the narration.

It’s important to watch tense switching so as not to confuse your readers, but especially so in the first few paragraphs of your fic. The occasional typo or punctuation error throughout a story doesn’t mean much, but you really want the opening to be very clean, because a picky reader might be turned off right away. Show your best work up front to draw them in!

Pace: While the story sets up the plot right away in the very first paragraph and doesn’t meander or wax on, it is a little on the brusque side. The idea is that the Dursleys are horrible, therefore put Harry in a better home next door. I’d like to know just what disgusts Minerva so much. What is the business that she sees muggles doing and what are her opinions on it? We can use this space to get a good view of both the environment Minerva is in and Minerva herself when we get a bit of description of her actions and reactions.

Overall the pace is fast. A little too fast in some of the heavy dialogue areas, but I feel like too fast is a way better problem than too slow. More can be added as needed.

Dialogue: More of a technical note, but I’ll put it here, When splicing action between dialogue, watch the use of periods vs commas. If the sentence is “He’s over there,” she said, reaching for her umbrella, “beside the door.” Then commas should be used instead of periods. A period is a full stop and should only be used if the action of the speaker is separate from the dialogue.

“He’s holding my umbrella,” Minerva laughed. - We are saying that she said this while laughing.

“He’s holding my umbrella.” Minerva laughed. - We are saying that she said this in a normal voice, and then laughed, separately.

Characterization: I like the info about Minerva and the sorting hat. Adds interest to her character.

While I like the idea of a wiley, intelligent Minerva, Dumbledore… well he kinda puts the dumb in Dumbledore. He very passively accepts Minerva’s sudden change of address, even though Dumbledore is a very intelligent man with connections to muggles and the potters. I could see him going along with her but… he just gives up so easily. I need more of a mental tussle between them to believe it. I mean, at least Minerva is self-aware in the next sentence that this is an odd character choice.

I’m interested in who Malcolm and Robert are and if we get more info in these characters after their sudden naming. (I apologise if these are canon characters and I have forgotten)

She felt a sense of duty overtake her, that she should call out to Mrs. Forsythe and demand the baby, but she stopped herself. Nothing good would come of that child in her home, though whether she was thinking of herself, or even of the child, she didn’t know.

Petunia’s sudden reversal is a bit disappointing. Again like with Dumbledore, she gives up without a fight in the very same paragraph, when I want to see her meddle or sneak or spy. I hope she has more role in the future chapters, as it was a bit odd to see her accept her neighbor taking in her nephew without any sort of comment or action. Petunia is nosy and judgemental, and these actions imply that the neighbor woman is saintly in her books.

Flow / Prose Style: There are a lot of clunky adverbs in there, that don’t add much.

“Dumbledore twinkled merrily” “Dumbledore laughed jollily” could easily have the same impact if merrily and jollily were removed. Instead of using an adverb, which is a “tell” try “showing” with an action.

“Of course. He’s been taking care of young Harry all day, they’re nigh inseparable!” Dumbledore laughed, twirling the ends of his long beard with his pinky finger. - This shows us that he is merry and jolly without having to literally say it.

While the dialogue is ok, and seems in character, the first chapter has a lot of back-and-forth and not much action. As said above, it’s nice to weave action in between your dialogue to 1) show how the character feels and 2) gives the reader a sense of where they are and what they are doing. Too long without any environmental description and the reader forgets where we are and what we’re doing. Give us a reminder from time to time.

“I believe so. Sadly, he took Lily and James Potter with him.”

“We’ve all lost someone.” At that moment, a distant roar was heard. The noise became louder as an enormous motorcycle with a matching sidecar landed in the middle of Privet Drive skidding a bit.

At some points, dialogue attribution is not sufficient enough to tell which character is saying what. Just needs a few more tags here and there. As well, the jump to the action is very sudden, to the point of jarring. Give me more blended action and reminders of where the characters are and what they are doing.

the enormous man perched on top of the bicycle, handed a small bundle (about the size of a particularly intricate vase) to Dumbledore.

This is an interesting metaphor. I did a post on this, and I believe it would fall under category 3: Not unheard of, but would it be the character’s most likely reference? Minerva doesn’t seem like a person who has an interest in intricate vases. If the story were from Dumbledore’s POV, it would absolutely make sense. But Minerva is a straight-edged teacher, and I wonder if a school reference would make more sense here. “No larger than a History of Magic textbook” etc.

I wanted to say that the voice overall is very active and urgent and the narrator does not slip into passive voice. It is a pleasure to read prose that stays active and gets to the point, even if it feels a bit rushed in some places. I’d much rather be left wanting more details than slogging through endless exposition.

Or a solicitor, she had trouble telling the two apart these days. Though most solicitors didn’t include infants.

This line is hilarious! Excellent! Very on-point.

Story: This is an interesting plot idea in its simplicity. It’s been done before (but what hasn’t in the Potter fandom) especially with stories like Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality. What will make this story unique and interesting is how you handle it and how you handle the characters and their growth over the course of the plot. Focus on the minute details of Harry’s earlier life and how that breaks off into the alternate universe differences in a butterfly effect of cascading changes.

#harry potter #harry potter fanfiction #fanfiction review #writing help #writing tips #my reviews #text #not voltron

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