#-Mexican Scorpion 🦂

[mexicanscorpion]

Some Group Stuff that stuck with me

Feeling empowered 🤩 I find myself. Calmer about how my brain works. These groups have been helping and having the recordings is even more helpful.

These are some of the things that stuck with me .

-Understanding and Living with Anxiety Disorders and OCD 11/2/21-

"Reconize the feeling.Let it pass just as it came. Say to it 'not today' ."

"I know I don't have all the answers. And that's okay".

"It's a starting point, not a finishing point".

-Why wont they call ? Empowering You to Glow Up in your dating relationships-Joy Berkheimer 11/2/21-

"Stop identifying as selfish when putting up healthy boundaries"

"Be more in tune with your thoughts not everyone else's"

"Get out of your own way"

''pandemic was a moment of clarity for people to show who they really are"

"Look at your story from the beginning. 'We accept the love we think we deserve.'. "

"Be unafraid of loving freely and deeply"

What can I say about myself, Well I'm caring. I can cook. I'm loyal. I'm beautiful. I'm smart and brave.

-Couples Couseling Becoming the Partner You Want to be with-

"childhood's traumas on both sides is unresolved issues and when we argue we just lose our mind"

"what is the love story in our healths?"

"Let your partner have their feelings "

"become aware of how your past affects you"

"I'm hearing that you are mad at me. "

[kirstielol]

What are all the types of pets you have and how many do you have of each? What are their names? 💜

aahh ok this is my favourite ask

Cats 🐈:

Ellie, 7 year old seal point siamese

Zoe, 4 year old blue point siamese

Melly, a black cat, we rescued her as an adult so we think she’s ~5 but 🤷‍♀️

Reptiles🦎:

Mochi - a 2 year old ‘tangerine tornado’ leopard gecko

Kiwi - a 6 month old ‘extreme halloween harlequin’ crested gecko

Inverts🕷🦂:

Antilles pinktoe tarantula (Caribena versicolor) named Bilbo

Pinktoe tarantula (Avicularia avicularia) named Boots

Brazilian black tarantula (Grammostola pulchra) named Arwen

Brazilian blonde tarantula (Nhandu tripepii) named Peaches

Mexican fireleg tarantula (Brachypelma boehmei) named Ember

Mexican red knee tarantula (Brachypelma smithi) named Eowyn

2x Curly haired tarantulas (Tlitocatl albopilosum) named Vex'ahlia and Vax'ildan

Mexican pink tarantula (Brachypelma Klaasi) named Azalea

Asian forest scorpion (Heterometrus spinifer) named Scorpo

Titan isopods (Porcellio hoffmannseggi)

Dairy cow isopods (Porcellio laevis)

Zebra isopods (Armadillidium maculatum)

Powder blue isopods (Porcellionides pruinosus)

I’m also waiting on an order of mantids, the breeder’s waiting for them all to get to their third molt before shipping, so in the next week I’ll be receiving 2 orchid mantids, a giant dead leaf mantis, a ghost mantis, a bordered mantis, an australian rainforest mantis, and a regal jumping spider 🙃

[mexicanscorpion]

46 Weaver St

Just like that in two group sessions that I've had I've unlocked two big things. Two big levels. It is levels when it comes to trauma? I'm not sure. That's how I'm feeling about it anyway. I can see this is a long road trip if you will. A long road trip to my past. Sometimes it's beautiful and sometimes it's fucking terrifying.

****

So let's start from Trauma Recovery Part 1: Don't let your past define your future.

so I didnt understand how to not let my past define me. After sitting for an hour listening to a complete stranger explain medically how my past affects me. How he describes everything I feel. Everything I do. Sometimes without realizing it. Without describing anything or having to explain how shity I feel. This dude literally explains my every "symptom" or reaction. Of course immediately I'm crying. Because how can you understand but no one else can?! Then you discover the chat section. You type something into the void. You say exactly what you need to say. A few seconds later a complete stranger says "wow I'm sorry you feel this way. "

"You got this. Don't give up on yourself. "

"I feel the same"

"me too"

"my dad did that to me too"

and suddenly you no longer think of just you.

you see how much pain there truly is in the world but for some reason.

these strangers. These humans. They understand. They hear you. They see you. And your pain.

Im overwhelmed now. I'm crying you see.

it's pouring outside. Can't see anything. Specially since my eyes are also pouring.

feelings how I hate you!

you monsters that cloud my air.

air I need air.

inhale. Exhale.

it's like my body has forgotten how to

I find myself pulling over

I can't recognize the place.

im confused. Why here. Why this place.

there's millions of locations I could of drove to.

why here.

why now.

it's that old busted up house.

It hunts me. It makes me angry. Sad. Disappointed. Suddenly I'm sorry. I need to apologize. Then comes the smell......I'm not there any more....I'm somewhere else.

I can feel my brothers little hand right next to mine. It's late. Everyone's gone to bed. well not everyone. I have to stay up and fight the monsters. I have to make sure my little brother is okay. I need to. For the family...the door creaked open just a little bit. My body is like a board I can't feel my fingers anymore. I try to jump up and scream. But my body has stopped working. And I don't know why. Tears don't fail. They do the only thing they can do. This is how they beg for mercy you see. But they are just tears. These aren't words. So it couldn't possibly mean please stop. Please don't. Dad please. Why. What did I do?

then I came back. It's raining outside. It's pouring. And my voice found a way out. 10 years later. My vocal cords finally remembered how to speak. Out of all the things that could of been said. My brain said. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Brenda. I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you. You needed someone to love you. To save you. I'm sorry I couldn't do that for us. Forgive me my beautiful girl. I won't let you down again. Not ever again. ".

That was part 1. Of 2. Stay tuned. Part 2. After I'm done processing.

[mexicanscorpion]

Do you ever feel so alone it’s like a huge ball of shit stuck in your fucking throat?

[mexicanscorpion]

I am alone.

The kind of alone that hurts and bleeds

The kind of alone that makes you cry

I am alone you see but,

I am surrounded by people.

I long for a motherly embrace

I long for a “everything will be okay because I got you”

I can see that no one call fill this

For I do not know what a motherly embrace is.

For I do not know what a safe haven is.

For I am afraid of the opposite sex

For I fear the man across the street

I fear him yet, he smiles and just waves

You see I am alone

I trust no man

No woman

No human

Why?

Because they hurt.

No matter who they are.

How kind they are

How human

I am alone you see

Because no one knows how to communicate

Because no one knows how to heal

Because we are stubborn

Because we want all the good without the bad

Because we were hurt

Yet we are alone

We are alone

And afraid.

Afraid of the past. Afraid of the present. Afraid of the future.

Afraid of the unknown.

I am alone.

[mexicanscorpion]

Finding Another Therapist…

Here we go

In search for someone who can help me

Teach me how to dance with my demons please!

Here we go again

Finding the courage to find someone

Someone to pick apart my trauma and tell me how I'm not completely broken

So here we go again

Someone teach my demons that we can live together

After all, we do live in the same body

[mexicanscorpion]

Today. September 8th 2022.

I started the day being one day late for my period. I have been trying to be more healthy and part of me really wished that I wasn’t going to get my period. Part of me cannot wait to be pregnant. But what i realize as I am writing this is. I wish I still was.

I looked in the mirror and held my tummy and said to myself. I wonder if it is..or am I just late…I went to grab my towel to shower and went to the bathroom. I had to pee before I hopped on the shower. As I whipped there it was. My monthly reminder that my body failed. All I could do was cry and continue what I was doing.

As I showered I cried and I thought about how my body failed me. How I was supposed to have a big belly and have my twins living within my being. Instead Im all empty. Bleeding out. As if my womb was broken.

Why is grief such a mess?

I feel as if I have been grieving all my life.

Grieving the fact that I have no recollection of Mexico and my childhood there. Grieving how I remember my father. Grieving how lost someone so special to cancer in my teenage years. Grieving how friends leave and as if they never knew you. Grieving how my mother is incapable of parenting me and I have to parent her. Grieving the reality of my family not being picture perfect. Grieving the relationship I had with my father. Grieving the me I once was. Grieving my grandmother. Its so exhausting. Grief. It’s exhausting.

With that in mind. I think I’m done writing for now. Im going to go cry now.

[mexicanscorpion]

Today has been hard.

Jess had her baby.

He’s beautiful.

I find myself very sad mad at the moment.

As I held him I think my heart broke a little more.

As she’s trying to figure it out

Im trying to figure out how not to fall apart into million pieces.

Honestly I don’t think I’ve ever felt in such a way that I’m sad mad yet so thankful that they are okay.

Im happy for them.

Truely.

But I can’t help but feel sorry for me.

The same sentence keeps yelling out to me

“Im supposed to be pregnant. They would of been here in December. And I’m not. They won’t be coming”.

I miss holding my little blueberries.

[mexicanscorpion]

I literally sit here and really wonder how the fuck my life changed so drastically on April 2 a Saturday and I was happy with where life was taking me. Then on May 3rd it was a Tuesday afternoon my life changed yet again. I can’t believe this shit. My babies are supposed to be the size of a grapefruit today. We are supposed to be entering week 20. How is this my life.

[mexicanscorpion]

The very confusing world of Grief

Here we go again.

My tears have found their way to my rosy cheeks

Oh how it feels as though my soul is being ripped off my being

The breath escapes me and I can feel the anger boil inside my throat

My fingertips feel this emptiness within my chest for my screams cannot come out

For I have failed at doing the one thing my body is meant to do !

Oh god tears of dark fly by!

Thought this was our happily ever after

This was supposed to be the rainbow after the storm.

Why god why?!

Fuck these feelings and the damn cramping inside my throat making me want to scream to the top of my lungs

I am thankful for every day including the day you have decided to take them from me.

In a world where bad things happen and "things happen for a reason. " I still don't understand.

What fucking reason....I'm not mad you see I'm just confused. How things work just ain't making sense inside my heart.

Yet I understand it.

Just like Chris Stapleton says in his song Broken Halos. Angels come down just to help us on our way. Then they find some other soul to save. broken halos that used to shine.

Were we the broken halos?

I don't know. "Don't go looking for the reasons. We aren't meant to know the answers. They belong to the bye and bye."

9:55pm

[mexicanscorpion]

Numb

The thing about grief is that no one knows how to really do it.

The dictionary defines grief as a deep sorrow,specially that caused by someone's death.

Then there's the so called

The 7 stages of grief after death

Shock and denial. Feelings of shock and denial are unavoidable in nearly every situation, even if you could foresee it happening. ...

Pain and guilt. ...

Anger and bargaining. ...

Depression, loneliness and reflection. ...

Upward turn. ...

Reconstruction. ...

Acceptance and hope.

How long this shit really lasts there is no definite answer. As google says "There is no set timetable for grief. You may start to feel better in 6 to 8 weeks, but the whole process can last anywhere from 6 months to 4 years. You may start to feel better in small ways. It will start to get a little easier to get up in the morning, or maybe you'll have more energy."

Thats the thing with grief. There is no real answer. There's some tips on how to deal with this shit.

As google says 

Accept some loneliness. Loneliness is completely normal, but it is important not to get too isolated. Reach out to people and support groups who are comfortable with grief - who can let you move through the process at your own pace.

Choose good company. Look for friends, old and new, who know how grief feels and who can let you be "alone but not alone" when you just need company and who won't place any further burdens or expectations on you.

Be gentle with yourself. Try not to judge yourself for not "doing better" or "keeping it together." It will get easier over time to feel like your normal self.

Get extra rest. Physical and emotional exhaustion is common. You will need more rest than usual.

Embrace all emotions. Realize that feelings come whether we like it or not. All we can do is let them move through, like waves in the ocean or clouds in the sky. It is neither weak nor abnormal to feel these waves. There are many approaches under the category of "mindfulness" that can help with emotional self-regulation. It's also important to know when to seek professional help.

Set a regular sleep schedule. Make it a goal to go to bed and awaken at the same time each day. Give yourself a good amount of time to rest, but be on guard for sleeping too much as a way to avoid the hard work of grieving.

Move your body. Get up and walk or move around, preferably outside, at least a little each day.

Talk to your doctor. Tell your primary care doctor you are bereaved so he or she can help you keep an on eye on healthy habits.

Keep structure in your day. This means groom and dress, even if you are not leaving the house. Also, eat small, regular meals, even if you are not hungry.

Set goals. Set small, reachable, short-term goals so that you don't get overwhelmed.

Make a list of daily activities. This can help while you are grieving because forgetfulness is common.

Be cautious. Do not make any major decisions or changes in home or work right after you are bereaved.

Take care of your inner needs. Find time, whether through a spiritual practice or a creative outlet, to connect to things that give you inspiration and help you maintain your sense of meaning and purpose. You could keep a journal, write a song, poem or letter to your loved one.

I find myself really not wanting to go back to work. I don't know how I'm going to get through today.

6:16am May 11 2022.

[mexicanscorpion]

Return to Neverland

As the Winchester boys held my hand to get through this journey

Tears escaped me.

My little kidney beans.

Balls as Bobby Singer would say.

My nerves are shooting into the sky like rockets

My heart beats as fast as drums.

This is the longest wait I've ever had to do so far.

The nurce comes in and takes me away.

My scorpion pal reassures me that it's going to be okay.

It's all blurry and I really wish I had 20/20 vision.

My heart has become speedy Gonzalez by now.

I feel like throwing up.

They take me upstairs and so many people come in and out asking me the same questions.

Christian the new nurse comes in. He says "Think happy thoughts. The happiest thoughts "

For the love of God.

The only thing I can think starts coming out

"The second star to the right

Shines in the night for you

To tell you that the dreams you plan

Really can come true

The second star to the right

Shines with a light so rare

And if it's Never Land you need

It's light will lead you there

Twinkle, twinkle little star

So we'll know where you are

Gleaming in the skies above

Lead us to the land we dream of

And when our journey is through

Each time we say "Goodnight"

We'll thank the little star that shines

The second from the right"

The staff tries to calm me down and I all I can do is just think of the song and somehow gasp for air.



They give me medicine on the IV and it burns my left arm.

It's cold.



They strap me on the stomach

As well as my hands.



Christian says "You will be okay. Think of happy thoughts"

He puts the mask you see in movies.

***

Im walking up and my nose burns. It's the oxygen tube. My legs hurt and my bottom abdomen hurts. It's the cramps. It feels like a cat scratched me from the inside.

My hands move down my abdomen and my tears escape me.

The river running down my cheeks wont stop.

This tall man approaching asks me

"Can I get you anything?"

-"Are they gone?"

I took the deepest breath I could and and even the lord heard my despair. I could feel my soul cry and I could feel my heart stoping

"I'm so sorry. Yes. Everything will be alright.You are in the recovery room. I will get you some tissues. "

He walked back with a box of tissues and put them on top of my belly. He opened them and placed his warm hand on my shoulder.

"Are you in pain miss?"

I nodded at him. It's like I couldn't speak anymore. He nodded back at me.

When he came back he put something in my IV. I felt cold and hurt. But nothing hurt as much as everything else.

He placed his hand on my shoulder again. He looked at me and he asked me.

"Can I get you anything else ? A warm blanket perhaps?"

I still couldn't speak. I nodded at him again.

He walked back in and placed the blanket on me. I gathered as much strength as I could and said

"Thank you. What's your name?"

"You are welcome miss. My name is Peter. Please let me know if I can get you anything else."

As he walked away all I can think of what so how all I was thinking about before surgery was Peter Pan.

Here I was having Peter be my nurse.

I'm not sure how long I was there. I just laid there for a long time.

This old man. This old Portuguese man came on the other side. He was confused and no one understood him. He kept trying to take his gown off. He kept asking Peter for his pajamas.

Once they got the old man to stay on the bed. Peter came back to see me. He checked my vitals.

"I laughed and said I'm sorry about our Portuguese friend. "

"He laughed and said yeah he doesn't want to keep his robe on! You speak Portuguese?"

"I do not. I lived with a crazy man and his family for 6 years and all I remember how to say is 'estoi quiata com mihha vida ' Which means. I'm disgusted with my life."

"Oh no! Why do you remember that? ".

"well you see the old grandma that used to visit. She was disgusted with her life and all she used to say was that. She would walk around saying it all the time".

"Oh my god! This old people crack me up sometimes. Do you know any other languages?".

"Well I speak Spanish too. And I took French for two years but all I know how to says is "Cest la vie " which means such is life and I didn't even learn it in school. It's funny how life works. "

"Oh that's wonderful! I know that one I speak French ! I visited Paris last year. It was lovely have you ever been?"

"I haven't but it's definitely on my dream places. "

"You should definitely go. I think you will love it. I'm going to start getting ready to transfer you okay? "

"Yes okay. Thank you Peter"

"Not a problem. Have you visited any places?"

"I have recently been to Hawaii. It's beautiful. Have you been?"

He starts rolling me out of the place and as he pushes me on the bed down the hallway. He keeps talking to me. We talk more about our travels. He wishes me good luck. And he helps me get on the chair. He introduced me to Maria and Yenzi. They will take care of me now.

Peter places his warm hand on mine again and bows down to look at me.

"It was a pleasure miss. Good luck and don't forget to keep traveling ".

"Thank you Peter. "

He walked away. And Maria and Yenzi got me ready to get going home.

Now maybe it was coincidence or pure luck. I'm not sure.

But I'm glad that Peter was my nurce when I woke up. So Peter. Thank you.

I know one day I will see my sweet angels 👼🏼 👼🏼 with their big brother or sister 👼🏼. I know my grandma is there taking care of them.

So until then,

Each time we say "Goodnight"

We'll thank the little star that shines

The second from the right". ✨ 👼🏼👼🏼👼🏼💕 mommy and daddy love you. We will be okay. You will see.

1:12pmMay 5th 2022

[mexicanscorpion]

a different kind of day 👣👣💕

Today I found out there's two of you.

Two little lives inside of me.

Somehow my body is making two little humans.

I'm scared of what might happen.

Things might go right.

Things might go wrong.

Yet both paths scare me to death.

Will you both be alright ?

I pray that whatever maybe the outcome.

I know it's out of my hands

But please by all the higher powers in every way

Bless my babies

I pray to all the gods.

[mexicanscorpion]

April of Blessings 🌸👣

Feeling grateful 😍

It's funny how life works.

A month ago I found myself getting ready to get through one of the most difficult days I've ever had.

This month I find myself blessed and thankful

Thankful for the present

I don't think I've ever felt more present than now

Yes I do still have my moments where my head travels.

I get scared. Yet I've found that being scared is okay.

The point is to not let it consume you.

So here I am. Scared yet present.

It's like I see a bigger picture.

I honestly still can't believe that inside of me is growing a little human.

I'm creating life man.

It's wild.

It's incredible.

It's fantastic 👣💕

I don't know who you are yet or who you might grow to be. Yet I am so in love with you already

I can't wait to meet you little one 💕

8:17pm April 13 th 2022

[mexicanscorpion]

Title: March for Growth 🌷

This month came fast.

The weather is as confused as the 16 year old me.

It's been hard to process this month.

I find myself conflicted... how to let go?

💕💕This year I focused on being present and being thankful. I feel blessed. I feel happy. He makes me happy. Thinking about our future is exciting.

Chewy and Leia bring light to our lives. They complete us. 💕💕

That was my main focus this month. ...

As for the hard part...of the month.

The truth is I'm sometimes angry.

Angry that he did that. I'm angry that he broke our bond. That beautiful relationship between a father and a daughter. All for what?

I will never understand that. As I looked back in my childhood I feel lied to. I know life is hard and everyone has demons. ...but why a child?...

I see Daniel. He's my age. .. the age my father killed my soul. I worry about him. Has someone tried to kill the life out of him? I pray that he's okay. I pray that he's happy. That he isn't afraid. That he feels safe. After all he is a child.

...

How can he live knowing he did that to me. ? His only daughter. As he would say "la princesa de la casa".

....

I'm a liar. I lied to my own mother. She gave birth to me. She only did what she thought was right. ..At least that's what I think.

I wonder if she knew...if she knows. If she knows it ...I wouldn't know how to handle it. How I would react.

i really just hate how this happened.

As I think about becoming a mother my heart breaks. At the evil this world has. I find myself worried about but not afraid. Not anymore.

if God grants me this gift to become a mother. All I can do is prepare them. Teach them that their light MUST outweigh the darkness in the world

[mexicanscorpion]

Feelings are scary

It was the last day of moving the things to his cousins house. We had already been moving everything for 3 weeks. He was frustrated. I was frustrated and so was his mom. We were doing good then the whole time. He was so aggravated about his mom wanting to keep everything she had. For the most part we were pretty understanding with her and I honestly think that was just a bad way to do it. She just keeps collecting stuff she doesn't need.

Anyway. I was bring stuff down the stars (we lived on the second floor. ) All day I had been doing this because he was at work. Towards the end of the night my knee was staring to lock up and it was getting very difficult to go up the steps. I still did my best to continue even though my whole body was screaming at me.

As I was bringing this box he looked at me with a very angry look and said "how many more boxes is there left?"

I was out of breath and took me a minute to say "My love there is still a lot of things left. "

He got so angry/frustrated he grabbed one of the containers and started shaking it and slamming it on the truck.

I just stood there in shock and then the lovely brain I have immediately sent me somewhere I didn't want to be in.

Suddenly I was right back at my old apartment and my ex husband was throwing things at me. I could feel my hands super sweaty and I was having more trouble breathing. I tried to ground myself saying the words to the song that was playing on my headphones. (Mirror by Sinrid ) "I love who I see looking at me in the mirror. Nothing compares to the feeling right there. In the mirror, in the mirror " I felt like I couldn't register anything else but the words coming from my headphones. Suddenly my body just knew what to do and I slowly walked back up the steps. I kept cleaning the kitchen and collecting the garbage.

As the lyrics just kept coming through this little piece of plastic inside my ear all my body could do is keep moving. Slowly my head started going with the beat. Little piece of plastic singing "Kinda like us, you and I. If you a fruit you'd be a fine apple. If you a word you'd be the fine print. I'd like to try my hand at time travel. So you could walk by me again" (Fine Apple by Nic D)

I found myself dancing to the song. I was back. Breathing was back. I could breath again. I avoided going downstairs for a while. I needed more time.

He came upstairs and he was not okay still. He was still upset. I'm didn't know what to say or how to react. He had a lot of feelings. Strong feelings. He came back upstairs but he didn't come to talk to me or anything. He was a like a bull on a mission to fit the red flag.

"Mother are you fucking kidding me. At this point what is left?! At this point its either garbage or garbage! I'm done. This is too much shit" I could feel my body freeze up. I stood there once again frozen. Body completely forgot how to work. Stupid sweaty palms. My hands started shaking and I was gone. Suddenly Ive forgotten how to breath again.

This time it wasn't Rob trying to hit me. This time my mom was yelling very loud. I was in the conner of the kitchen at my old house. She was angry. She hit me with the frying pan that was on top of the stove top. I felt little. I felt like she was right there. In that very kitchen. I could feel a lump in my throat. I wanted to scream but I couldn't...

Then I heard Ish's mom "I don't even want to speak to you right now." She walked towards the empty hallway and grabbed her mothers urn. She was whispering at it. She hugged the urn. She looked so little. Almost like a young child holding their teddy bear. She left the house and got in her car. I wasn't sure if she had left.

Suddenly I looked over next to me and my mother was gone. Of course she's gone. She's never been here. It's just my head.

Ish is gone too.

As I stood there in the kitchen surrounded by all the garbage. I thought none of this has anything to do with me. They aren't my problem. I cannot control what happens around me. Only whats inside of myself . I kept cleaning and packing. I couldn't even register the music playing. He came back upstairs. He stood on the balcony. Staring at me. I could see him standing there.

He said

"Can we talk?"

"What would you like to talk about ? There's nothing to talk about."

He got aggravated by what I said. "I was just trying to apologize about how I handled that. I'm sorry but you don't even want to talk to me"

"My love. I love you and I appreciate you coming to tell me this. You dont have to. You are frustrated. I'm frustrated. Your mom is frustrated. We are all frustrated and tired. You dont have to apologize you have every right to feel how you feel. Yes you could of said 'hey my love I'm getting frustrated and pissed off' I would of looked at you and said same here. I love you we will get through it together. " We hugged and got through the rest of the day/night.

After all it seems that he also struggles with boundaries with his family just like I do. So on that note. MUST REMEMBER you cannot control what other people do or how they react. You can only control how you react to the world around you. So relax and learn to breath with all the bullshit.

4:56 PM