#. in an attempt to stop nicotine cravings. ( it works half the time. )

[be4tdown]

if u think vic is above spitting his gum in someones face before he fights them. then unfortunately ur wrong.

[lexirosewrites]

Wealthy omega Steve going on an arranged date each week to the same restaurant because his parents want him to find a mate.

Alpha Eddie who busks in the parking lot for tips and always offers him a cigarette and a shoulder to cry on after it doesn’t work out.

It takes them a while.

“Another one? That’s the third date this week, pretty boy. You going for a record or something?” Eddie asks, already holding his half-finished cigarette out for Steve to take.

He does. It’s his only reward for doing all of this.

Well, that and Eddie.

Eddie makes this easier.

Steve takes a long draw from it, craving the burn of nicotine more than he cares to admit to himself.

He craves Eddie’s company too, but that’s between him and the cigarette.

“Yeah, my parents are working overtime it seems. They’re bound and determined to have me mated off before spring.”

Steve laughs.

Eddie doesn’t.

“They sound awful.”

They are. Their insistence on old-fashioned values and treating their omega son like a burden to be rid of is proof enough.

“They mean well,” he says. “I think.”

Eddie hums thoughtfully. It’s clear that he disagrees.

Steve passes the cigarette back.

The alpha snubs it out on the sidewalk they’re sitting on instead.

“How long are you gonna keep doing this for?”

“Well, as long as it takes to find someone who’s interested, I guess. There’s not an exact timeline or any—”

Eddie startles Steve when he cuts him off with a growl.

He doesn’t look mad, but his forehead creases, deep frown, and sour scent speaks of irritation.

“Not what I meant.”

Oh.

“I don’t know, Eddie. They’re my parents… and it’s not like I’ve got anyone else knocking down my door.”

Even his dates aren’t interested once they’ve met him in person.

Steve always looks good on paper. He’s attractive and from an upstanding family, a decent investment at first glance.

But then he opens his mouth. That’s where their interest always ends.

Sometime between shaking hands and dessert, their eyes get bored and they start checking their watch more. They don’t bother to hide that they’re running out the clock, eager to be away from Steve.

He thought it would hurt less after a while, but it doesn’t.

“How many times are we gonna do this, Stevie?“

And now even Eddie is bored with him. It makes sense. They’ve been meeting up for months and Steve isn’t worth much for stimulating conversation.

It had to end eventually.

“I’m sorry. I— I didn’t realize I was bothering you. I can leave you to your gigging, man. Let me just—”

Steve reaches for his wallet, pulling out a thick wad of bills to shove in Eddie’s guitar case as an apology for taking up his precious time.

Compensation for the therapy.

“Hey, no— that’s not what I meant, baby. I just— ugh, why is this so hard to say?” Eddie groans, grabbing at his own hair in frustration.

Steve hasn’t the faintest idea what’s ailing Eddie. The guy is normally chill 100% of the time. It’s why Steve goes to him for comfort. He’s hard to shake.

“Sorry?” he tries.

“No, I’m sorry! I just can’t sit here for yet another evening and pretend like there are more fish in the sea for you or whatever,” Eddie explains frantically, his eyes begging Steve to understand.

Ouch. Okay. Point made.

Steve is unlovable, got it.

He stands, brushing off his slacks so his shaking hands aren’t as noticeable.

Keep cool. Breathe.

“Understood. I won’t bother you anymore then. I can park across the street next time too. Good luck with everything, Eddie. I’m sure your band will get signed soon, you’re a talented musician.”

Eddie shoots to his feet, almost tripping over his own lanky limbs in the process.

He grabs the sleeve of Steve’s dress shirt, stopping him from leaving.

“Don’t go on anymore dates.”

Jesus.

“Yeah, I got it the first time, thanks. I’m undesirable. Can you stop repeating it?”

Eddie looks like he’s been slapped, but he doesn’t say anything back. The bluntness must have caught him off guard.

Steve sighs, attempting to pull free from the alpha’s grip.

He almost manages it.

But then Eddie snaps back to reality and his eyes go wide for just a split moment before he kisses Steve right on the lips.

It’s unexpected to say the least.

It’s also probably the best kiss of his entire life. Too bad it’s from someone who just told him to quit dating because nobody will ever want to court him.

They finally break apart and Steve sways.

“Eddie… what in the actual hell are you—?”

“I love you! I love you— I’ve been in love with you for months, but you insist on going on all these dates with alphas who have no taste and they keep breaking your heart and leaving me to pick up the pieces, but I don’t want to keep handing them back. I want to keep you, Steve. I want to be the only alpha you go on dates with.”

Steve stops trying to run away.

Instead, he yanks at the collar of Eddie’s shirt, tugging him into another, longer kiss.

This is love, huh? Makes sense.

His lips are warm and so is his heart. Patched up once more and encased in a body other than his own

No more arranged dates.

“That was a ‘yes,’ in case it didn’t translate.”

Eddie’s face is flushed and his happy smile is infectious.

“I don’t have the kind of money your usual dates have, but I had this really cute guy way overtip me earlier. Can I buy you dinner, pretty boy?”

It’s the first of many.

[didyoulookforme]

need you tonight

part of give me a moment (aka stylist au as briefly described in this tag)

warning: 18+, smut. probably grammatical errors, typos.

au masterlist here

-----

“sorry—‘m sorry”

you’re pretty sure those are some of the only words that stumble past his lips as you go down on him. perhaps an apology for his ring getting tangled in your hair, trying to keep you close. but to be honest, the more cynical part of you hopes it's pure regret for fucking someone else just hours before.

it was not strange for you to crave a nicotine hit at this time, more often than not stepping out the bus to smoke a cigarette or two prior to calling it a night, that first inhale always making your head buzz a little as the all-too-familiar warmth runs through your limbs, a much welcome sensation to try leave the tiredness behind.

every day was like clockwork. bus arrives at the venue. stage and lighting are assembled. band soundchecks. you have a quick dinner. then it's time for him. after all, it's what you're here to do, work as matty's own personal stylist during the tour.

you had no clue luck had finally struck when you opened those dms earlier this year.

(13:43) trumanblack: hey (13:43) trumanblack: i found your profile via my friend (13:44) trumanblack: i really like your style n you look pretty cool

(13:58) trumanblack: sorry if this sounds creepy. promise i'm a real human tho (13:58) trumanblack: x

you didn’t recognize him. however from a swift scroll through the feed, you gathered that his name was matty. apparently the front man of a seemingly popular band with a fanbase head-over-heels lusting for them.

mostly him, though.

you couldn't help but gaze at his lanky frame and pale skin adorned with ink, zooming in on certain posts to try decipher what they were. he definitely had a point of view when it came to dressing himself—sometimes a bit messy and chaotic, but for the most part pleasing to the eye, a quality you appreciated given your line of work. his seemingly playful demeanour across photos made it seem like he was perhaps younger than you, this time a google search confirming that, in fact, he was born three years later. april 1989.

countless press photos appeared under his name and you spent the next half hour swiping back and forth between articles, finding him intriguing enough and giving you the surge of confidence to respond.

and that's basically why you're leaning against this tour bus now. the friendly banter with a stranger led you to travel the world and do what you enjoy most. the fancy clothes. the colourful glitz. the wild after parties. this stuff that you always dreamed about was somehow now your own reality that you often had to pinch yourself to ensure you weren't just passed out cold on the sofa back home.

however, this almost too good to be true gig also led you to fall for a guy, the same one whose collar you straighten almost every night.

the most fucking cliché story. some assistant falling for her boss just months after being hired. it actually makes you feel sickeningly stupid, embarrassed. still you can't seem to stop digging yourself deeper into a hole with every hour you spend caring for him, not being made any better by matty being nothing but affectionate towards you behind closed doors.

you know he’s the reason your nicotine addiction has increased tenfold, always finding yourself alone at this hour enveloped in smoke, part of you still wanting to pretend you do so to numb out the sleepless nights. took you a while to finally admit you did it as an attempt to cloud out any thought of him.

tonight’s really no different.

you’re not sure how much time has passed, but it’s enough for the cold to start settling on your skin. perhaps it’s your queue to stop and go back in. you snub out your cigarette, watching the red embers fade just as a car rounds the corner. it halts to a stop only a few meters away, and you catch the faint sound of a door creaking open, followed by the murmur of voices filling the night air.

then you hear it. that unmistakable high pitched laugh that can pull you awake in a single second. him.

and, of course. you immediately know why.

you’d learned pretty early on this was a common end to the routine: matty picks up a girl at the gig, goes fucks her somewhere, and has her drop him off right after.

reminds you of the number of red and purple bruises you often cover up before his show. it wasn't rocket science figuring out the cause, yet he never really addresses it, choosing silence and averting his gaze as your fingertips dab foundation on tender skin, temporarily hiding any remains of nights prior.

you didn't even notice your eyes had closed. not until the car door slams shut, jerking them open just in time to see him blow a kiss in her direction. your heart fractures at the sweet gesture, but only hurts for a second before he's walking towards you, his stupid wide grin mending it better.

"didn't expect to see you out here.”

open button-up untucked. blazer over his shoulder. dark curls frizzy and disheveled. everything making it crystal clear he's just slept with someone else and still not you.

"only making sure you make it back alright so i can tuck you in." of course, you wish that were the case.

it's only a few seconds until he settles next to you, leaning over to kiss your cheek. soft lips gently brushing against your skin. the way he always greets you—but only when no one's watching.

"aren't you sweet, then?"

"trying my best." given the circumstances, it's pretty much all you can do.

he pulls out his beat-up cigarette box, flicking it open and offering you one. you decline, showing him the smothered tip of your own before finally tossing it aside.

"guess it must've been a pretty good time today," you lick the pad of your thumb before rubbing a lipstick mark off his jaw. it’s always ruby red or deep maroon. those same tones which he'll compliment you on. a similar shade you left on his lips the only time your mouth had been on his.

you finish cleaning the stains off his skin, matty murmuring a soft ‘thank you’ for having done so. it’s your turn to kiss his temple. “‘tis my job, you know? making sure you look good.” you should be mad, upset, have some sort of negative emotion. instead, you can’t help but have your heart intermittently flutter when he returns a sheepish smile, his arm wrapping around your shoulders to pull you close.

neither of you say much, but that’s alright. you rest your head on the crook of his neck, noticing how nice it feels. how nice he feels. you see the chipped nail polish on his fingers. the wrinkled fabric of his flowered shirt. the dark hair down his torso. the unbuckled belt at his waist. it’s only then that jealousy creeps itself back in and suddenly your shoes seem all that more interesting than the man standing by your side.

"why do you do it, matty?" the sweetness of your voice never fails to mask the envy you actually feel. or at least you hope it does.

"hmm?"

"the sleeping around.” you finally lift your head to look at him, surprised that his pretty eyes were already on you. the toothy smirk is gone, though, replaced by a thin, expressionless line at his lips. he doesn’t owe you an explanation. you know that. thus why you’re surprised when he actually starts to talk.

"dunno, really.” he lights up another cigarette and you notice as he gets lost in his mind. “i mean, it’s kinda difficult to say no to sex or a blowjob when they’re literally throwing themselves at you.” he seemingly tries to joke, but you don’t have time for funny right at this moment.

instead you wonder if it’s actually that easy.

“let me do it, then.”

“so—sorry?” he chokes mid-drag.

“let me give you a blowjob just like those other girls do. just like she did,” you point at the ghost of that green car from before, “ just tonight.”

it’s like his face cannot figure out which expression to land on, flipping between confusion, surprise, and something else that reads between need and desire.

“what the fuck?” his voice is shaky and it stings when he pushes you aside, yet, he doesn’t try hard to put much distance between you two so it’s not difficult to invade his space, standing right in front of him until your face is a breath away from his. large, calloused hands grasp your shoulders tight, halting you from inching closer.

“don’t.”

“what’s the difference between them and myself, then?” seems like a simple enough question to you. “why can they have you and not me?”

but he has no answer, at least not one that he can properly voice. his hold on you starts to lessen, perhaps giving you some permission to let you do whatever you want.

you bring your hands up to his and pull them away, kissing his knuckles before placing them on your waist. an almost incoherent ‘fuck’ leaves his lips, and, as if on cue, his head falls back willingly, giving you the space to kiss his neck. the faint smell of her still on him.

“please let me,” you whisper against his skin.

it’s not even a question at this point.

his fingers dig into your hips as you look at him once more, now noticing a mixture of lust and care in those almond coloured eyes. for a minute there, you get lost in them, admiring how his pupils dilate when your hands find the button of his pants, and how they shrink back as you finally undo the zipper. you don’t want to waste any more time—you’ve already waited too long—so you slide your palm down his pants to grab his half-hard cock, his eyes instantly rolling to the back of his head when you wrap your fingers around him.

“is this okay?”

you take the buck of his hips as a confirmation, giving you the courage to spread the precum along his length. he feels nice. having him in your hand seems just right and you only hope that he won’t regret this when he wakes up next morning in bed.

tonight is your turn to suck on the skin alongside his jaw, the thought of having to cover your own marks making you smile.

“fuck, baby.”

you’re not sure if he even noticed that sweet name leave his mouth, but you like the sound of it, and it’s all it takes for you to drop to your knees, dragging his pants and boxers down just enough to pull out his dick.

you look up at him once more, his left hand coming to tangle on your head, his other loosely holding his cigarette, almost done and fully forgotten. you kiss his tip, your gaze still not leaving his, thoroughly enjoying yourself as he bites his bottom lip each time your thumb hits that spot under the head of his cock. his scent is almost too much to bear so you take him in one go, feeling his cock twitch inside your mouth. it doesn’t take long before he’s fully hard and hitting the back of your throat.

the plastic taste of latex is still on his skin. a sad reminder that you weren’t his first tonight. that maybe you are an afterthought. just another girl who he uses to make himself come. but at least it means you get to have him even if it’s just this one time.

matty. that’s all that’s on your mind. once again. somewhat difficult to not think about him when you’re sucking him off, those heavenly sounds coming from his mouth making your own slick drip down your leg.

you pull away to catch your breath, using your hand to keep stroking him, pleasantly surprised when he pulls on your hair each time your red fingernails graze the underside of his cock. you do it again and again until he breaks and fucks your hand, apologizing for not being able to help himsel. it’s a sight you’ll commit to memory as long as you’re alive.

now that you’ve had a taste, it’s only so long you can go without having your lips around him. and that’s what you do, take him again, hands urging his hips to fuck your mouth. to fuck himself senseless in the hopes that you’ll be the one he turns to when he needs somebody else. he doesn’t deny your request, throwing away the wasted cigarette to guide you, setting a pace that allows him to stay steady on his feet.

purely drunk on him, you're barely aware when his phone vibrates in his pocket, matty muttering 'sorry' before grabbing and letting it drop onto the grass at your side. nosiness always gets the best of you, so you can't help but glance down, catching sight of a text from an unsaved number asking if he could fuck her again tomorrow.

you feel his hips falter. he knows you've seen it.

“’m sorry.”

this time it's a mix between a cry and a whimper. perhaps he did feel bad. perhaps some part of him did care about you in the way that you needed him to.

you reach back to place your hand on top of his, making him push your head further into him, to thrust into you until tears pool at your lashes just as he spills hard and fast down your throat. his taste overtakes every cell of your being as you swallow, feeling him soften against your tongue before you reluctantly pull away.

you didn’t even realize your knees were so sore until you stand up, not wasting a second to ask him is he's going to see her again the following night.

"do you want me to?" his thumb wipes away some of his cum off the corner of your lip. you reach out to suck it, slowly shaking your head in response.

he laughs nervously as his mouth clashes against yours, stealing both the air from your lungs. this wasn't the first time you’d kissed, but this wasn’t like before. the way he quietly moans against your lips. the softness of his fingers resting on your face. the crinkle at the corner of his eyes when he pulls back.

"can i see you tomorrow, then?"

you could’ve sworn you heart stopped. can you truly believe those words after watching him leave you behind all those nights? the soft circles his thumbs draw on your skin do feel sincere, the reassurance you need to perhaps let him in, give him a chance even though you know it’s a slippery one.

it’s your turn to brush your thumb against his mouth, slowly pulling at the bottom lip and watching it bounce back up into place. you kiss him one last time before confirming 'okay', immediately turning to finally head back in. not wanting to linger for too long in case he changes his mind.

you catch his reflection on the mirror, noticing as he tucks himself in, and it’s that slight smile on his face which keeps you awake for hours on end.

-----

for this lovely anon here. thank you for the inspo :) <3

[tziporarosen]

lesbian readers

currently editing one of my first Sapphic books that ive worked on for almost half a year now, and i was wondering if you guys would be interested in me posting it here.

the reason this is a poll is because i know most of you follow me for fanfictions but dont worry I'm not giving up on my current WIPs but i would really love to hear what you guys think.

if you want me to post the full story let me know but ill give you a little snipper of a scene in the sequel of the original book so you can get a feel of the vibe because I'm terrible at giving summaries lol.

“Good” Carmilla states as she opens the bedroom door and plants Jane back down on the ground before walking over to the mattress to flip it. Jane stands still, processing what has just happened, her face flushed red at Carmilla's move. “Help me flip it my love” Carmilla requests gently as she grabs one side.

Jane lifts her brow in challenge, “With all that muscle, you can't lift a mattress?” she teases.

Carmilla laughs at her attempted insult, “I can, I just think the little princess can get her hands dirty a little as well, I wouldn't want it to fall all on me after all” Carmilla explains. “If you help me flip it you'll at least be an accomplice, even if you’re actually the killer” she finishes before flipping the mattress on her own. “I guess now you're just the killer,” she taunts. 

Jane rolls her eyes, amused by Carmilla's mockery. Walking over to the dresser, Jane pulls out a fresh pair of bedsheets and tosses them over the now unmarked side of the mattress. “I will do the bed, now I am your accomplice” she dallies with a bitten smile as she climbs on the bed. “So where are we going on our date?” Jane inquires softly as Carmilla watches her bend over to tuck the bed sheet over the corner, arching her back to torment Carmilla. Carmilla hums as she treads over to trace her hand over Jane's hips, her hand being swiftly slapped away by Jane. “No touching! You can watch.'' Jane orders, before realizing what she's just done and said. Her heart races down to her stomach as she awaits Carmilla's reaction, but to her surprise, Carmilla gives her a little nod and sits down on the armchair facing the bed. 

Carmilla waits for Jane to continue putting the bed together, watching her hesitate once she realizes Carmilla is actually going to watch her. “You have until I finish this cigarette,” she states calmly as she pulls out a well needed cigarette from her trouser pocket, lighting it aflame once Jane resumes. Carmilla admires Jane's every movement, her eyes following the curves as Jane shifts to clasp the other edge onto the mattress. Carmilla's mind gets lost in Jane's figure, her hands craving to feel her delicate skin. Jane rounds her body to face Carmilla, bending down to adjust the third edge, her chest pressing against the mattress as Carmilla keeps her eyes glued to Jane's eyes, stealing little glances down at her chest. Heaven in the afterlife wasn't an option for Carmilla so she got heaven in Jane. The mix of nicotine flooding her mind and the endorphins rising at the view in front of her make Carmilla feel as though she has lost her ability to breathe. Time stops when Jane is in front of Carmilla, her mere existence has Carmilla trapped under her spell, yearning only to be acknowledged by the latter.  Jane observes Carmilla, analyzing her focused features as her heart skipped getting lost in those eyes. Those eyes held tales only certain people get to stare into, something so light yet so deadly. Her body was beginning to work only at Carmilla's request, her lungs breathing in her scent and only hers, her blood pumping for her touch and only hers. Crawling over to the last corner of the bed, Jane winks at Carmilla before biting her lips, attempting to amuse Carmilla but it had the opposite effect as Carmilla raised her brow. Jane glances at the cigarette in Carmilla's hand, the red fire sizzling against the butt of the cigarette before she tosses it into the little cup she used as a makeshift ashtray. Time’s up.

[whump-town]

“It’s a Date”

@random-ravings this is for you... I know you asked for a full blown date night but for some reason I am unable to do it to the fullest. I also don’t know enough about romantic get away but I do hope this suffices 

“Do you trust me?”

She’s not sure what level of insanity she must have been on the other night to think that her slip up at JJ’s wedding would be forgotten by her anal rentenive boss. Low and behold, here he sits in her drive-way trying to coerce her into his black jeep with the promise of a get away looming ahead of them. Of course, the details of said adventure are hidden behind the dark shades covering his soft eyes but his warm smile is pulling her in. Despite the cold knife of trust issues reminding her that he’s only being nice because he feels bad for her. 

Not because of the way he’d held her as they danced. Or the spark that her touches sends down his spine, leaving him shuddering and reaching for more. As if she’s a cigarette to place between his teeth and draw a healthy pull off of. She’s the kindest person he knows and no matter how much distance he puts between them he craves her like nicotine in his lungs. 

He always comes back wanting more.

Behind her own sunglasses, she sizes up his jeep. It’s not really what she was expecting but when is Aaron Hotchner ever predictable? Picking up the suitcase at her ankles, she shakes her head finally coming to answer the question he’d proposed upon placing the car in park. An inquiry on trust. She trusts him with her life-- with her heart-- but she doesn’t risk the reaction the truth has. “About as far as I can throw you,” she grumbles with an eye-roll and a smirk she can’t contain.

The soft chuckle that leaves his mouth has her head jerking, frowning at the sound she hasn’t heard enough of to consider he’d made it. Her reaction only makes the smile on his face grow and she stands for a loaded second just basking in the warmth that placing that smile on his face gives her. She has to shake her head to pull her thoughts back to the problem at hand-- Hotch and whatever trick he has up his sleeve. 

“So,” she tosses her bag in the back beside one that’s identical to her own. Out of habit, she bites her tongue instead of observing that ‘great minds think alike’. If Reid were here he’d conclude ‘fools seldom differ’. Hotch might not come to that same conclusion but it’s too late to tell. “Where are we going?”

Hotch takes a moment to respond. He puts the car into reverse, pulling out of her driveway in a swift but solid motion. It’s easy to forget that Hotch really is a good driver-- even if he spends a lot of government hours bashing the cars he’s driving into UNSUBs. He has a lack of regard when it comes to his own life. 

She wonders why.

“We’re on vacation time,” comes his answer, a strange crooked, care-free nature to the smile he flashes her way. There’s something youthful about it. She imagines he used to be like this all time. Quick with a joke and lighthearted before the job weighed him down. 

She nods, pulling her bottom lip between her teeth to worry at it. He hasn’t told her much about the excursions besides to dress for the weather and to bring a nice outfit for a fancy dinner. The amount of things that could mean worries her more than she’d like to admit.

He catches sight of the anxious frown she settles on his dash and decides that the gig is up. Besides, how much fun can his plans be if she’s not equally as excited? He clears his throat, “there’s this B&B that JJ always gushes about--”

Emily’s eyes light up, “The Monty House?”

He chuckles at her clear excitement. Her voice had gone up, softening considerably like the way Jack might shout-out when offered a bowl of ice cream before bed. If he’d known it would be this easy to make her happy he might have done this silly little trip a long time ago.

Actually, that is a lie. His nerves have been wracked for the better part of the last week since he made the reservation. There’s no way he could have done this without the prompting of both her ‘It’s a date’ and the dance they shared at JJ’s wedding. 

Admittedly, he can be a bit of a coward but his heart is pretty damaged. He’s not sure he can handle Emily stomping on it.

Judging from the smile lighting up her face though, heart stomping isn’t on the agenda. In fact, she could kiss him.

“Yeah.” His shoulders relax as the tension leaves his body in the nervous chuckle he lets out. His hands get some blood back as his grip on the wheel loosens, his poor knuckles returning to a fleshy tone instead of bone white. “The-The Monty House,” it feels good to have that off his chest. “The whole weekend.” Of course, he won’t tell her everything he has planned. No point in spoiling the whole weekend.

He finds himself smiling. How does she do that to him? Twist his stomach in knots with her silence and then have him smiling so hard his face hurts the next second.

“Does that mean we’re stopping for road snacks?”

There are few instances when they drive to crime scenes but on occasion a crime only warrants sending two agents. It’s no secret that on those particular occasions, he prefers going with Emily. She’s comfortable in their joined silence unlike Reid who anxiously fills it. There’s no pressure to talk about his personal life like with Dave who’s endless lines of question never seem to stop. 

With Emily there is  just… ease.

And snacks. Lots of snacks.

“Check the glove compartment,” he says with a smile. He knew she’d need refreshments even for a simple two and a half-hour road trip. He knows a lot about her actually.

She raises an eyebrow and, sure enough, she finds his glove compartment filled with snacks. There’s a red gatorade along with the SweetTart Ropes, Sunchips, and Peanut Butter & Jelly sandwich. It’s the kind of  thing that looks like a thoughtless addition. Red gatorade is a straightforward go to drink but she knows it’s more than that. It’s the only gatorade she likes and he knows that.

Just like he knows her favorite chips are Sunchips and that she thinks PB&Js are a timeless classic. 

“Aaron Hotchner,” she smiles at the little collection of snacks in her lap. “You’re the sweetest man I have ever met.” 

Hotch feels his face get impossible hot, despite the cool air coming in through the window beside his head. He can’t look at her because he knows she’ll see the blush and the last thing he needs is giving her that power. Not when he’s got a whole weekend to spend with her and countless opportunities to bring up him blushing like a schoolgirl over a compliment. He clears his throat, “uhm, thank you.”

Fifteen minutes in and she’s already getting the better of him… good God how are the next two hours going to pan out?

“Good God!”

Her sudden outburst causes him to jump in his seat. The car doesn’t jerk or accelerate but he’s good and jostled from the comfort he’d settled in. He looks over at her, eyebrows going up as he realizes she’s looking at him. “What?”

Oh.

She looks smacked with worry, the kind that he knows isn’t going to go away easily. “When was the last time you slept?” 

There’s always the option to play dumb but from his experiance attempting to pull one over on Dave-- it’s very unbecoming. He can always tell the truth but that’s about as good of an idea as leveling his loaded service weapon to his temple. He could meet her half-way. Exclude all bits involving Beth-- that she’d broken up with him after JJ’s wedding. Something she’d been thinking about doing anyways but after seeing him with Emily there were things she, evidently, couldn’t avoid.

But he’s still got to explain how that was nearly a week ago. 

He clears his throat, pulling his sunglasses back into place-- hiding the evidence. “Uhm,” he’s really bad at buying himself time and each second that passes means another moment she’s going to weigh whatever lie he comes up with. So he settles for a truth, just not all of it. “You’re not the only one who’s had a bad week.”

There’s a soft moment of contemplative silence shared between them as Emily considers exactly what that means. It sounds straightforward enough but Hotch is admitting to something being wrong and that’s not as simple as one plus one is two. 

“Do you…” she licks her lips, unsure of exactly what it is she should do. She knows what he would say to her but the giving and taking of their relationship hasn’t been set up. “Do you want to talk about it?” 

He grimaces at that offer but he realizes that’s unfair of him. He’s asked her to admit to him when she needs help. To her credit, she has on multiple occasions. So, it’s wrong to ask that of her and then put up his walls. This is no easier for her than it is for him.

“You wanna make another deal?” she asks. She reaches over and pokes him in the side with one of her candies, smiling when she bites into it. He raises an eyebrow at her, shaking his head. No matter how much time he spends with her… she never ceases to confuse and exasperate him. Even now, chewing on candy and trying to pry into his mind. “If I have to tell you when I’m having a bad day, you have to tell me.” 

He grunts, raising his eyebrows but turning his attention to the road. He hates that idea. He can’t and won’t lie about that but is that not the same ultimatum he gave her? The instances are fundamentally different-- the trauma she was reeling from was fresh in all of their minds and he could be a sympathetic ear to that. Especially, if hearing about the worst parts of her day granted her a longer stay with them.

With him.

Now, it’s a little different. The things he needs to tell her about are a lot more personal. It’s not about the connection of Foyet and Doyle-- the sheer thought of which sends a cold chill down his back. Now if she wanted to talk about that he would still be adamant but, at least, it would be helpful. 

“Aaron?”

He snaps away from his thoughts, having worked up a slight cold sweat from the directions of his thoughts. He shouldn’t be thinking about Foyet. That won’t help anyone. With a shake of his head he stutters a confirmation to her idea. “Uh-Yeah, s-sure.”

His eyes are on the road but he’s about a million miles away. He just keeps thinking about Foyet. 

Emily’s not sure what to do. 

Hotch is her friend. In many aspects, her best friend and as jouveline as those words are often made to sound she means it in the most sincere way. She trusts him with her life and beyond that, in ways that she’s not yet encountered. She means that when she comes to a crossroads in her life he is always there. 

Just like now, as she grapples with the decision to leave for London or stay. He’s her right-hand man and… now, she’s uncertain as to how she should repay that. 

Of how she can. 

It feels like an endless pit separating them. She starts there.

He’s driving with his left hand, leaving the right to rest limply in his lap while the other’s knuckles turn white with the tension his whole body is failing to hide. Silently, she reaches over and nudges his forearm with her hand. He scowls down at her hand, confused but he caves and moves his it.

He huffs a little when she takes his hand. Surprised more than anything else. The only hand he’s held in years is Jack’s and, even now, Jack’s getting too big for that. 

“I do mean it,” she says, giving his fingers a tentative squeeze. “You’ve heard all my stories. You know all my drama…” She smiles, just thinking about it. “I think I can handle what little drama Aaron Hotchner encounters in his day to day life.” 

He chuckles at that. It’s a good point. His life isn’t chocked full of twists and turns. Jack has some interesting moments-- mostly his bully turned best friend Paul. She already knows about that though. That leaves nothing really. What’s he so afraid of?

“Alright,” he relents, returning her gentle squeeze. He clears his throat, “but can we talk about it later? After--”

She cuts him off, “we can talk about it whenever you feel comfortable.”

Something in his chest settles and he relaxes. He doesn’t notice until several minutes later but he doesn’t pull his hand away from hers.

---------------

They were supposed to get two rooms but that’s too much to ask for and they end up in a room with two twin size mattresses an arms length away. Neither are that worried with the proximity. As far as sleeping arrangements go, this is still better than about 90% of the hotels they’ve stayed in over the years.

The problem is what might haunt them at night.

The last thing Emily wants is to wake Hotch up in the middle of the night thrashing like a heathen possessed but the freaking devil because her subconscious loves to taunt her with Ian Doyle. 

Talk about making things awkward between them.

It doesn’t seem to bother Hotch though. The first thing he does upon putting their bags at the ends of their beds is collapse onto a bed. He doesn’t move for a solid five minutes, just lays on his stomach, face down. She’s starting to worry about him-- hoping he’s just managed to fall asleep and not dead-- when he groans and sits back up. 

He runs a hand through his bedhead and Emily has to look away-- damn, that shouldn’t be as hot as it is. 

“You up for anything on this itinerary?” 

She can’t turn around because she's very aware of the fact that he’s standing right behind her. He offers her the booklet and she takes it, unable to breathe until he takes a step back. She can hear the sound his five o’clock shadow makes as he scratches at his chin and-- good God give her a freaking break her heart can’t take this. 

“Uhm,” she keeps her eyes trained on the paper but for the life of her she can’t focus on the words. She just keeps thinking about the fact that Aaron Hotchner is about a foot away looking drowsy and soft. He looks like he’s dead on his feet. “Why don’t we just get dinner and go to bed early?”

As much as he wants to just agree with her and call it a night-- he’s adamant that she actually wants that. “Are you sure?”

She nods, “yeah. You’re tired--”

He stands, shaking his head. “No,” he tells her. “We’re here so that you can relax. I can handle whatever it is that you want to do.” He takes the booklet back, flipping through it and looking down the list. He scowls in concentration and she finds it endearing but also hardheadily aggravating. 

“Hotch, I mean it.”

He finds one and points at it, asking, “how about a massage?”

She rolls her eyes. “Aaron,” she says, folding the booklet up despite his light attempts to tell her no. “I just want to eat some dinner and go to bed.” 

He deflates a little… he wants her to have a fun time and he feels like she’s giving that up because of him.

“I mean it.” She starts to pull at her hair, raking her fingers through her thick hair to work it into a ponytail. “Besides,” she says, “JJ said they have a killer grilled cheese and I’ve been dying to find out if that’s true.”

That he believes. 

So they have grilled cheese in the room, passing small talk back and forth. Emily finds Jurassic Park on the TV and at nine thirty when he turns his bedside light off, he reassures she’s fine to leave her own. Even if it makes her feel pretty silly that she’s managed to get herself worked up over a PG-13 movie from the 90s. 

She is fighting her own fitful sleep when she hears the soft sound he makes from the other bed. Everytime she closes her eyes Ian Doyle is right there. Blood seeps between his teeth and, this time, Hotch is there too. Ian draws a knife close to Hotch’s throat, it’s bared for easy access by the tight grip Ian has on Hotch’s hair. 

She wakes just as the blade draws blood. 

Judging from pained grunt Hotch lets out, her demons aren’t the only ones coming out tonight. 

“Hotch?” She’s not entirely sure what she should do. Hotch’s hearing has been on the mend for the better part of five years. It’s not his strongest sense-- they’d all found better ways to his attention than calling out his name but right now waving a hand at him or throwing a piece of crumpled paper isn’t going to get the job done. 

“Hotch!”

She stumbles back as he sits bolt upright, his breathing ragged. For a moment, she sits stunned on her bed. Watching as he looks down at the comforter across his legs, unable to place where he is. She can hear his breathing become more distressed, a wheezing groan tearing from his mouth as he raises his head to look around.

“Hotch?”

His left hand comes up to his chest, clenching his t-shirt tight in his fist. He’s steadily working himself up. 

She stands up, calling his name softly again and frowning when he doesn't look at her. “Aaron,” she hesitates just a step from the bed. He looks up just as she stops, tears streaming down his face, and she can’t bear the sight. “Oh, sweetie.” She climbs into his bed and pulls him into a hug. He shakes in her arms and her heart breaks for him. 

He always stops and checks up on her but… what has he been hiding from them to let things get this bad?

“So, we’ve both been having some bad days.” She buries her face into his shoulder, breathing in the steady and warm scent of Hotch. She’s unable to pick apart the distinct parts of the way he smells. There’s aftershave and deodorant but also laundry detergent and… he smells the way home does. Distinct and safe. She’d know him if she were blind and deaf and scared out of her mind. 

Aaron. 

He leans into her touch but the way she holds him isn’t making it easier to breathe. Her fingers spread out on his neck, working against the way his hair grows to scratch as his scalp. He feels himself melting into her and in return, she does the same.

They’re just a puddle of humans. Welded together. Neither is able to escape the hold of either. She’s practically sitting in his lap and, in return, he’s wrapped a leg around her back. 

“Why weren’t you sleeping?” he asks, voice muffled by her shirt. He’s settled back down, able to pull in a steady stream of oxygen. It doesn't get caught in his throat. What it’s doing is letting the exhaustion creep back into his bones. He’s too weary to rest. 

Emily pauses just long enough to realize that there’s no way he’s going to believe her if she says anything besides the truth. At the same time… “Who said I wasn’t,” she whispers, wincing at just how much her voice betrays her. She moves and presses her face into his shoulder, squeezing her eyes tight with the false hope he’ll let it go. 

She can feel the way he tenses, regardless of the fact that he doesn’t believe her. 

There’s still a small inkling in the back of his mind that says-- you woke her up. 

“Nightmares,” she finally answers. His fingers spread across her back, thumb trailing spine. “Doyle--” she hates the way he tenses at the mention of the other man’s name. She’d done everything to protect them and all she’d done was hurt them worse. She certainly made things worse for him. Forced him to lie to the only family he has to protect her-- a woman who lied about her career and entered his team to blackmail him.

But he eases after a moment. He rubs his hand up her back, offering her the same comfort she’d extended. 

She sinks into his chest. “Doyle was going to kill you,” she whispers. Her tears run hot and he can feel through his shirt. 

He presses a kiss to her hairline. He holds her to him, shaking his head. “It’s alright now,” he promises, throat thick. He’s painfully reminded of his own dreams. Waking up and having to scrub his hands in the sink to reassure himself that his subconscious has just been very unkind. That her blood is not caked under his nails. 

That she’s home.

Sleeping.

Alive. 

He wonders how many cadets the two of them could scare away. Tell a room full of kids-- that’s what she was when she was scouted out of college-- that taking that oath means more than they’re currently able to give. It’s the nine stab wounds on his chest. It’s talking serial killers down from suicide even when as they stand to realize the world would be a better place if they through with it. It’s demons that you can never really get away from.

“Can we just…” she wants to ask him to just hold her. To spend the night like this. She loses her nerve. Swallowing thickly around the tightness in her throat, she leans back from his shoulder. There’s only an inch of space between their faces. Her hands reach for him on it’s own accord, her thumb tracing his jawline. 

“Emily,” he whispers, his eyes moving back and forth between hers. Unable to figure out what he should do. 

She looks down at his lips, her cheeks burning. 

“I-I don’t want you to do anything you might regret,” he manages, eyes giving away the vulnerability behind the statement.

She kisses him. It’s a hungry, desperate kiss that he leans into. “Something like that?” she asks a moment later.

He nods, unable to find words. 

“Can we just lay here,” she asks. “Will you just hold me?”

He nods, can’t trust his voice. 

She trusts him though. She falls asleep in his arms. 

He lays there for the longest time. Her head is tucked under his chin and, even in her sleep, she’s holding his hand. 

The ceiling turns. 

His anxiety is creeping up but each time he gets to the point of hyperventilation she moves a little in her sleep. 

She doesn't know what she’s getting herself into.

She’s not going to love him.

Not for long.

“Aaron?” She blinks and pulls the blanket up to their chins. “Go to sleep.”

[monchikyun]

XVIII. bury a friend

It has been awfully quiet for about an hour now. As Connor ended his story with horrible dejection written all over his face, he turned around and initiated his stasis, refusing any and all comfort Gavin has been more than willing to provide. He did expect it to be something twisted and tragic like that, even imagined the worst possible scenario before being told how it really went down, just to be safe. If he’s honest with himself, the reality isn't very far from the most fucked up course of events his mind has been able to cook up. Still, it has been able to freeze the blood in his veins, which has paralysed his brain for the amount of time it took Connor to withdraw to his simulated sleep. 

Gavin has already cursed himself for being so goddamn incompetent when it comes to emotional issues, blamed himself for the cold shoulder he didn't even have the chance to receive. He still does, as he lies glued to the bed, counting the cracks in the ceiling. His nicotine addiction is begging him to go into the cold and give it what it needs to survive, but the warmth of his current company is impossible to leave. His hand aches for the smallest touch, for some confirmation that Connor is still here with him. So he directs his sight to the body next to him, letting himself be mesmerised by the constellations of freckles decorating the android's bare arm. It's a painful view, knowing that he still doesn't have the right to connect those dots with his own defects, to interpose himself with this amazing, flawed being who has carved a hole in his chest and invaded his heart.

He remembers how the android was back when he found him on the roof, finally realising the enormous difference created by the months they’ve spent together. Last spring he dreaded going to work, feared that Connor just wouldn’t show up one day and he wouldn’t be able to see him ever again. Or worse, all that would remain of him would be the empty vessel that used to house his colourful soul, something that would kill his last hopes. He was tempted to become a well-meaning stalker then, to always be near for when a potential threat arrives, but that idea was too exhausting for him in the end, and so he left his worries to a silent prayer which guided him all through to summer. 

With the warmth came the first smile and a myriad of gratitudes for his uncharacteristic kindness. That’s when they started having casual conversations, a big leap from the uncomfortable silences that filled their shared hours in the previous season. It was somewhere in July when he first regarded Connor as his friend, without his vigilant denial disagreeing that fact. Gavin has always found the android very attractive, like an eye candy specifically developed for his torment, but knowing there was a whole, unpolished person behind that plastic perfection has made his partner so much more appealing. He simply couldn’t stop himself getting drawn to him, despite all the countless attempts to emotionally distance himself from the one who lived inside his dreams. It was either letting himself be eaten by the monsters living in his past, or inviting in the one person who has the power to push them away from his corrupted mind.

For the longest time, he did neither. Though his inability to act on his feelings was due to more than just the inherent fragility of their source, he was simply afraid like he has always been when it comes to things that have the potential to hurt him. He'd rather be thrown in a paper shredder than to have his soul bruised again. Physical pain is easy to understand, straightforward in its healing. Time usually takes care of what needs to be done, but when it comes to the mind, sometimes even passing years will have little to no effect on the waste that has accumulated in someone’s innermost core. And Gavin didn't want to add onto the rotting pile of mess that has already been too much to bear as it is. But that was months ago, and as the earth was becoming colder, the warmth that had started budding inside of him turned into sweltering heat.

When autumn was nearing its end, he understood that he would soon burn up if he didn’t begin dealing with his problem. Maybe that’s how they got here, to a place where he doesn’t have to call his feelings inconvenience anymore, having breached the border that has kept them apart all these months. He wants to stop fighting it for good. This truth is sent to him from above as he puts his fingers on Connor's bare temple, tracing the ghost of the LED that used to signify his nature. 

He'd like to say that the fact that one of them isn't human is what prevented them from giving into their hearts' desires, but that is far from the truth. Life is much more complicated than that, not as black and white as he wants it to be. 

Gavin wishes their relationship was defined, so he could casually take the android in his arms and hold him away from the evil of the world, just for a short while, just so he can expand his collection of irreplaceable moments that he doesn't ever want to forget. 

He considers getting just a bit closer, weighing all the pros and cons that ultimately mean nothing because deep down he recognises that their sentiments are shared. So he lowers his steadying hand down from Connor’s temple, ready to enfold everything his partner represents. But fortune isn’t on his side tonight, because as soon as he begins his movement, Connor wakes up with a jerk that betrays confusion lined up with its best friend, unease. 

"Did you have a nightmare?" Gavin is more than familiar with the concept of being tortured by his own psyche as he lays it to rest, so he's aware of just how disorienting such illusions can be, how unrelentingly cruel and merciless they often are. 

"No, no... I-... androids can't normally dream. I wasn't really sleeping, just… thinking. More than I should." 

Gavin scoots over so their shoulders are just about touching, a decision his conscious mind has had no say in. 

"Do you wanna talk 'bout it?" A quiet, tentative question just barely escapes his lips for fear he gets denied entrance into Connor's trove of dark secrets. 

There is a short, excruciating period of silence before he gets his answer.

"You know how I can preconstruct any future scenario based on the information available to me?" 

"Yeah? I mean… sorta. Can't really wrap my mind around your technical stuff most of the time." That's only partially a lie. He ought to tell him that he doesn't want to picture his inner workings because they kind of scare him, but maybe that would be too inappropriate given the frailty of this moment. 

"Well… I saw you get buried…,” the android breathes out for reasons Gavin can only guess, “after you died, naturally." 

"Naturally." 

Why doesn't this even surprise him anymore. Of course Connor would paint himself the grimmest image possible, these are just his default settings. Give him the brightest colours and he'd draw you the darkest sky without a single star in sight. 

"That's not… I'm sorry I,... I didn't mean to… I just couldn't stop it since it went that way and…" 

"Hey, it's okay.” It hurts seeing Connor get like that, losing most of his coherency and feeling like he should apologise for it.  

“How…," Gavin takes a deep breath, trying to calm his racing thoughts down. Connor was the one who saw his funeral, not him, yet he feels like he’s been there already, among the dirt, not far from other decaying corpses. It’s an uncanny sensation. Not one he’ll be chasing any time soon. 

"How did it make you feel?" A stupid question, really, and yet the best his brain has to offer. 

"How do you think?" Gavin never knew that tears could fit an incredulous look, but the welling in Connor's eyes combined with the exasperation written all over his face is proof enough. Laughable, frankly, but he wouldn't dare. Not now, anyway. 

"Guess it sucked then." 

"That's putting it mildly." The android shakes his head and rubs his eyes before they have the chance to leak his sorrow. 

"I… I don't ever want to go through that again,” he says, desperation piercing his voice through and through. It would be easy to dismiss these ungrounded worries if it wasn’t for the two flaming brown lights probing his own mossy pools like they intend to hypnotise them and seize control over his soul.  

"You know that no one can force you to… be there... when it happens." 

"You don’t get it! That's not the point. I don't want to live in a world where two of my best friends are nothing but a memory. I realise that’s selfish, but… "

Gavin does, by all means, get it, he just tried to help, somehow. 

Connor’s eyes are turning into glass, threatening to melt again, so he closes his because God knows he does not possess the strength to witness it, not tonight at least. 

"Maybe you should just relax Con, the future will come no matter what, but we still have the might to shape it as we like. To some extent. Anyway,... I promise…," he cuts the sentence midway to inhale a big gulp of oxygen, an action which results in a minor coughing fit. 

"I promise to try my best to stay by your side as long as physically possible. " A statement which makes him want to cry instead. 

"Does it mean you’ll stop smoking then?" 

Oh, that devious android, of course this conversation would lead here, why wouldn't it. He glances at his nightstand, checking if the half-full box of cigarettes is still there, waiting for him to take its lethal fruit. Come to think about it, ever since their little trip his taste for cigarettes has somewhat diminished. Could be the fresher air just outside these thin walls, or the fact that Connor’s presence stimulates him enough already, so the need for nicotine is not as great as it is when he has to spend his time alone or surrounded by people who hold little to no significance to him, pretending like he doesn't crave something beyond the drug his body could very well function without. 

"Yeah..., yeah, okay." Gavin buries his face in his hands, disbelieving his consent. 

As he puts them away and folds them in his lap, he scroungers up a lazy smile meant to lighten up the heavy mood, to maybe clear Connor’s stormy sky a little. 

"But only if you promise to try to be more optimistic…  just a smidge.., " he makes a gesture with his two fingers to show how small of an effort would suffice. 

Then he gives Connor a friendly pat on his thigh, after which he realises that he doesn't have to limit his displays of affection anymore, not after all the intimacy they have been willing to submit themselves to already. 

So he lets his palm linger, allowing himself to rub gentle circles into the clothed skin. He doesn't have to be cautious with Connor, for the android isn't burdened with any biological organs that would make this situation uncomfortable for both parties. 

"Life isn't all bad, I’m sure you came across that particular information at least once during your time on this Earth. Experienced it, even. No?" 

"You're right." 

A trace of a hesitant smile on Connor’s lips is all that it takes for Gavin to heave a sigh of relief. He’s too tired to think beyond that feeling. Everything inside of him, all the emotions and memories blend into a blurry mixture as he starts losing the ground under his feet. 

But he must fight it, his friend still needs him awake...

"Let's go to sleep," Connor whispers, tugging him into a tender embrace. It’s warm and safe and he can't concentrate on anything but the wave of love pulling him under to the sweet slumber he’s always yearned for. 

Indeed, life can be ever so wonderful sometimes.

@a-convin-new-year

[ccinagalaxyfaraway]

Oh my gosh I can't stop thinking about that chapter in "i take from you everything you allow" where Wolffe asks Plo if he's got a light for his cigarette and Plo just lights it with freaking force lightning. Could you do write a sequel to that or an extension of that scene? It's one of my favorite chapters in that fic

So that took a little longer than expected, but at last:

cigarettes and cilantro

from [ lit ]

1. 

Jedi die as easily as anyone else. 

The thought echoes in Wolffe’s mind. Jedi are not infallible. Shoot one, and he will fall over dead just like a trooper. There were so many bodies. He’d heard Generals Windu and Yoda speaking. One hundred eighty dead on the sands - and if they died like men, what else had he been taught that was a lie?

He throws his bucket onto his bunk. It rolls to a stop on top of his pillow, wobbling like a grave marker. He snarls and turns away from the macabre scene. 

His hands won’t stop shaking. They’re going to give him a Jedi. The vode have been called to action, and they’re going to give him a fragile, mortal Jedi who is not at all an invincible god, and he is going to watch his Jedi die on some battlefield because they die, that’s what they do, and Wolffe is only a man. He’s only a man, and his shaking mortal hands won’t stop shaking, damn the little gods.

He paces laps around the room. He wants to run, but outside the rest of his brothers are celebrating their first action in ten long waterlogged years, and he doesn’t want to spoil their mood, even if they are all deluded and he’s the only one who sees things as they really are. The restless energy crawls under his skin. He needs something, anything to make it stop. 

Bacara’s got that ARC vod who brings contraband in from off-world training exercises. The damn things smell like shit, but he swears they’re good for his nerves. It takes a few minutes to pick open Bacara’s footlocker and a few seconds to fish out the little paper box of cigarettes. The first breath burns, but he keeps at it and soon enough the tremors stop. 

It’s not quite enough to get rid of his sense of impending doom, but he thinks that nothing can do that anymore. They’re all living on borrowed time. There’s a blaster shot out there with his name on it, and it’s just a matter of when it finds him. 

2. 

There’s 576 troopers under his command, and 10 of them are still alive because their general is a reckless maniac. Plo Koon was supposed to be a nice, sensible High Councilor, not a walking mir’shupurla or’dinii like the 501st got, or a paklalatla diplomat like the 212th’s. 

Plo Koon is somehow even worse, because he goes about with his bad ideas and his silver tongue cheerfully. As if life is a game of cards in which he is the dealer rigging the results, and he won’t stop smiling about it. All that osik about Jedi serenity and wisdom was exactly that; Wolffe has yet to talk to a single vod whose jetti is as advertised. 

That alone would be enough to drive Wolffe to drink, except - 

Well, the whole jetti thing aside, he’s practically the picture of mandokar. He’s stubborn and an unholy terror on the battlefield, and so very pleased to be alive. If Jango could see him - well, he’d probably try to kill him, but if Jango heard his description, he’d approve wholeheartedly. And to say nothing of his loyalty; if any CC had allowed such a maneuver and risked their priority asset for troopers who really should have known better, there would be hell to pay. But the man took one look at the situation and went off to save his men simply because they were alive and needed the help.

The part of Wolffe that is predisposed to falling for people with mandokar is already bracing for impact. The part of him responsible for protecting his charge is getting ready to pickle his own liver. Since there’s not a drop of alcohol in sight, both parts are going to have to settle for chain-smoking. 

He’s got his own cigs now. Still crappy whatever’s-cheapest-and-available, but they get the job done. His standards, though low, do exist; he isn’t interested in cutting his already short lifespan materially shorter with death sticks. Bacara is a more understanding vod than, say, Fox, and didn’t kick up much of a fuss once his shit was replaced; now they swap complaints about their latest smokes. This one tastes even more like tar than usual and burns too quick.

He discards the remains of the cig and fishes out the next. A trooper - one of the lucky ones now singing the General’s praises - walks by.

“You okay, sir?” he asks.

“Just fine,” Wolffe grumbles, thumbing the wheel on his lighter for a spark. The shiny pauses.

“He’s really something, isn’t he?” he says. “The General. They said the Jedi were good, but I don’t think I really believed it. But he came back for us.”

“He did,” says Wolffe. “Don’t make him do it again,” he says, and takes a long drag. 

3. 

His General uses Force lightning, and he uses it to light cigarettes. If that isn’t a frivolous use of the Force, Wolffe doesn’t know what is. He should probably be more concerned than he is, but the calming effect of the tobacco has already settled in. 

He keeps going back to the moment Plo stepped in close, like a challenge, like an invitation, and the urge to get him up against the wall and make him show something other than his cool composure. There must be something under his facade of unshakable calm. He doesn’t have hair to pull, but his fussy, excessively draped robes would provide as good a handhold as anything. He’d resist, of course; the fight would be part of the fun, but they’ve already established that Wolffe is the better between them at hand-to-hand. Wolffe would win in the end.

They’d start with their usual exchange, short, sharp jabs to test one another’s guard, and then longer flurries as they warmed up. Wolffe would allow Plo to press forward, would draw him in slowly, gradually, until he was in throwing range. Plo would notice and fall back, and their dance would continue. And then Plo would tire, as he did without the Force, and he would slow, and maybe the first few times he lingered in range too long Wolffe would be lenient and allow him to escape, sliding just out of reach. But at the edge of his endurance, Wolffe would catch him and haul him down to the ground, hold him wrists to the dirt, pinned by Wolffe’s weight. And he’d lean in, their breaths mixing, and -

Ah, fuck. The cigarette has burned almost all the way down in the time that he’s been dreaming. He takes a last drag and shakes himself loose of the fantasy. It’s never going to happen anyway. 

4. 

He’s sitting outside watching the stars and the arm of the galaxy in the night sky. There’s nothing left to do for the night. Everything’s tucked in and the captains can take care of whatever petty issues might arise. He’s got himself an honest-to-gods night off, and he knows exactly what he’s going to do with it. 

Plo settles beside him, his robes brushing quietly against the grass, and obligingly provides a spark when Wolffe holds out a cig. The smoke curls unpleasantly in the air and Plo leans away, nose wrinkling behind his mask. It’s not especially poisonous to him; it just gets caught in the rebreather and takes forever to cycle out. Still he comes to join Wolffe when he has nothing to do except burn a pack. 

“The benefits outweigh the drawbacks,” he says when Wolffe asks. “I’d accept your company however it is offered.” He lies stretched out on the ground, head so close to Wolffe’s hip, one clawed hand resting at the hollow where his ribs end, the other absently spinning a flower that smells like cold. 

“You could ask me to stop,” says Wolffe. It’s just a pastime; he doesn’t get cravings. His hands don’t shake for lack of nicotine. But - why not indulge a little when tomorrow and its consequences may never come? Will likely never come, even, the way the war is going. 

Plo hums instead of giving an answer. “I think, when we return to the ship, I should like to plant a garden.”

“Oh?” There’s not very much room that hasn’t already been claimed. A corner in the bay area that used to be for shuttles. Maybe he could clear out a spot by the engines. Plants liked heat, right? 

Plo hums again. “I have not tasted kand in many years. It grows poorly away from Dorin.”

Wolffe resists the urge to comment. Dorin doesn’t share any of its creations well, present company included. In fact, Wolffe is convinced present company might have a few more working brain cells had he not convinced the Sages to convince General Windu to bring him to Coruscant. But Plo continues as though he can’t feel the sarcasm coming off Wolffe in waves. 

“It’s a shrub, you see. Maintaining the necessary environment through the first nonproductive seasons makes it an unattractive option for commercial off-world growers. Only a few attempts have been made, even by the Agri-Corp.”

“Seems like you might be better off trying something else,” says Wolffe. “Seems like a lot of work for something that you might never see.”

“Perhaps,” says Plo, and then he takes off on another tangent. 

5.

He’s thinking about tomorrow and all the days that come after, and he’s thinking about what being happy feels like, and mostly he’s thinking about Plo, because he can have Plo if he wants and he knows it, and he’ll take Plo even if he might lose him later, and the losing will hurt more than anything else ever could, but the not having is even worse. And each moment of having makes the possible Plo-less future even more terrifying, but also moves the future where he gets to keep Plo closer into reach, and that’s worth it, isn’t it? To have and to hold, and to keep reaching for the future that he wants. 

He’s thinking and Plo is coming to him, and he’s got a cigarette between his fingers, the last of the box. He bends it in half and bins it unlit. 

“Not to your taste?” Plo asks, falling into step behind him.

“Nah,” says Wolffe. “Think I’ve found something better.”

[zak-shit]

July 22 Shit DUMP

Feeling okay, a bit restless, not quite relaxed. My eyes could go for a long shut right now honestly. I'm allowing myself to drop the worry about starting school for the weekend. Right now there isnt much I can do about it. Tomorrow I have work and a show to go watch. I was supposed to finally get together with some coworkers and watch the show tonight. But,,, I couldn't. Soo I may be going tomorrow evening alone instead. I'm defiantly going to go, but will try and see if anyone would like to go with me...

Got to have a good kiki with Joshua today, It was nice to get some good time in together. I'm kinda worried about him, I know he'll be okay, but he doesn't seem all too mentally well.... hmm. This evening I've gotten to spend time with Rue. Ran some errands so we had a little car ride time. Planning on watching the newest drew and enya podcast. So far she's having trouble getting off the tik tok scratchers live. I been there though with my sims streamers on twitch. I mean I spent my 20th birthday a streamer singing happy bday to me.

Willow is doing great with training and being the bestest pup ever. Gotten much better a potty. Improving significantly with the jumping on people. Even have had great crate times. There have been a hand full of times recently that I have gotten home and she doesn't freak out in the crate at all. She sits and waits patiently. Next is getting her to listen better with "come here" and "go" Still, she's been amazing among all of the step backs <3

I bought cigs again... Have went through nearly half a pack in a day.. i'm currently inside writing this and also craving a vape hit. I'll just live off of vape air if I have access to it all the time. Yes it would be liiiiit to quit completely. and I'll stop here and there... one day. One day is not right now though, I've got so much change all around. Nicotine is one of the most consistent things lol. so stupid but its true.

I'm attempting to create a consistent use of my notes app for todo lists, and reminders for many things throughout the day. I think I need to customize them to be a little less constant. Bc the truth is, I dont actually have a full todo lists every day. I mean I always have things to do. I can adjust it to benefit my life a bit more impactfull.

Anyways, the day is coming to a close, and it has been nice. Almost midnight (5 till) I hope Rue still wants to listen to the podcast.

Tomorrow will be a great day <3 xoxo zakery quinn

[healthwomeninfo]

New Post has been published on Health Womens

New Post has been published on http://health-womens.com/change-your-habits-and-stop-smoking-with-these-tips-8/

Change Your Habits And Stop Smoking With These Tips!

Everyone now understands the health risks resulting from smoking, but it is still very difficult to stop smoking.If you have been attempting to give up smoking, you might just need a little guidance to the right path. The following information and make it easier for you to finally give up smoking.

TIP! You should try to ease the pain of quitting as much as possible. Do not attempt quitting the cold turkey way.

Putting something down in writing can have a profound effect on your mental outlook.This may up your motivation to stick to it this time, and might even make quitting easier because you are able to remain focused.

Make your quitting attempt as manageable as possible. Quitting cold turkey may not recommended. There’s a 95% chance doing this method. Nicotine is extremely addictive, so use a patch, patches or therapy may be necessary. This will increase your likelihood of quitting less difficult.

TIP! If you want to stop smoking, tell your loved ones about your plans. Sharing your plans with those around you may mean that you can depend on them to boost your motivation or distract you when cravings strike.

Take a brief walk before you give yourself permission to smoke, do the dishes or put away the laundry before permitting yourself to smoke.Even if you eventually relent, delaying may still reduce the total number of cigarettes you have in a day.

Hypnosis might be something you should try for those searching for a way to quit smoking. Many individuals have found success with professional hypnotists. The professional can entrance you into a deep trance and then give you with positive affirmations that stay embedded in your mind. When you come out of the trance, cigarettes could be less appealing, making giving them up easier.

TIP! Write down the different ways that you want to try to quit smoking. List taking in your quitting efforts will help greatly as you create a source of direction.

Make a list of what methods you can use to make this lofty goal. Each person has a unique way to taking care of things their own way. You have to figure out what works best techniques for yourself and your lifestyle. Creating your own list helps you do this.

Make sure that you get an ample amount of rest when you attempt to stop smoking. For most people, staying up late at night leads to increased cigarette cravings. You may get tempted to sneak a cigarette while no one else is with you. If you get a full nights sleep, you’ll be far more likely to quit smoking for good.

TIP! If you’re having trouble quitting smoking on your own, talk to your doctor. There may be prescription medication that can help making quitting easier, including some antidepressants.

Try changing your diet habit by eating more veggies in fruits to avoid gaining the weight gain from quitting smoking. This will help curb any weight at this crucial time.

Nicotine Replacement

TIP! Get the support of your loved ones, so you can quit smoking more easily. Make them aware that their support is key, but that they should not be judgmental.

You might want to think about trying nicotine replacement. Nicotine withdrawal can make you feel depressed, feelings of restlessness, frustrated or depressed. Cravings can be very powerful. You can help reduce these feelings. It is not recommended that you use a nicotine replacement product and smoke at the same time, to protect yourself avoid smoking if you are using nicotine replacement therapies.

You should not attempt to shoulder the entire burden of smoking alone. You can also gain quite a bit from joining a support group for people that are trying to stop smoking.

TIP! Consider nicotine replacement therapy. Withdrawals from nicotine can cause feelings of frustration, irritability, depression and restlessness.

For instance, when you haven’t smoked for a week, treat yourself to a movie. Once you reach a month without smoking, go out for a special meal.Continue to give yourself a reward in increasing amount to acknowledge your progress until you don’t think about smoking and are ready to move past it completely.

Reduce the amount of cigarettes you smoke a little each day. This will help you in starting out your journey to stop smoking. Try waiting at least one hour after waking before you smoke your first morning cigarette. You can also try to only smoke half a cigarette at a whole one to cut back on smoking.

TIP! Get lots of support. Having loves ones support you will help tremendously.

Most former smokers had to try more than once before succeeding at quitting on their nicotine habits. Just stop immediately, and then work on the next day once you get there.If you fail the first time, set a quit date and get back on track. Just keep quitting and go longer each time, while you learn what triggered you into smoking again each time.

Getting rid of your smoking habit can be a difficult process, but knowing effective techniques might make your task easier. Learn from the tips that have been presented here and you will be one step closer to your goal of quitting. Use these guidelines to ensure a long and healthy life with your loved ones.

[digitalyogesh]

Kidney stone home remedy

Kidney stone home remedy

Drinking a lot of liquids is an indispensable piece of passing kidney stones and keeping new stones from framing. Not exclusively does the fluid flush out poisons, however it additionally helps move stones and coarseness through your urinary plot.

In spite of the fact that water alone might be sufficient to get the job done, adding certain fixings can be useful. Make certain to drink one 8-ounce glass of water following drinking any seasoned cure. This can assist with moving the fixings through your framework.

Converse with your primary care physician prior to beginning with any of the home cures recorded underneath. They can evaluate whether home treatment is ideal for you or then again in the event that it could prompt extra difficulties.

In case you’re pregnant or breastfeeding, try not to utilize any cures. Your PCP can decide if a juice might cause incidental effects for you or your child.

Water

When passing a stone, increasing your water admission can assist speed with increasing the cycle. Take a stab at 12 glasses of water each day rather than the typical 8.

When the stone passes, you should keep on drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water every day. Drying out is one of the fundamental danger factors for kidney stones, and the last thing you need is for additional to shape.

Focus on the shade of your pee. It ought to be an extremely light, light yellow. Dull yellow pee is an indication of parchedness.

Supported BY PURINA BELLA

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Lemon juice

You can add newly pressed lemons to your water as regularly as you like. Kidney stone home remedy Lemons contain citrate, which is a synthetic that forestalls calcium stones from framing. Citrate can likewise separate little stones, permitting them to pass all the more without any problem.

A lot of lemons would be expected to make an immense impact, yet some can help a bit.

Lemon juice has various other medical advantages. For instance, it hinders microbes development and gives nutrient C.

Basil juice

Basil contains acidic corrosive, which assists break with bringing down the kidney stones and diminish torment. It’s likewise loaded with supplements. This cure has been utilized generally for stomach related and incendiary issues.

There are cell reinforcements and mitigating specialists in basil juice, and it might assist with keeping up with kidney wellbeing.

Utilize new or dried basil passes on to make a tea and drink a few cups each day. You may likewise squeeze new basil in a juicer or add it to a smoothie.

You shouldn’t utilize restorative basil juice for over about a month and a half at a time. Stretched out use might prompt:

low glucose

low pulse

expanded dying

There’s tiny exploration on how powerful basil is for kidney stones, however it has against oxidative and calming properties.

Apple juice vinegar

Apple juice vinegar contains acidic corrosive. Acidic corrosive aides break up kidney stones.

As well as flushing out the kidneys, apple juice vinegar can assist ease with tormenting brought about by the stones. There are various other medical advantages of apple juice vinegar.

One lab investigation discovered that apple juice vinegar was powerful in diminishing the development of kidney stones, however more examinations are required. Kidney stone home remedy But since of the various other medical advantages, there’s likely little danger.

Shop for apple juice vinegar on the web.

To receive these rewards, add 2 tablespoons of apple juice vinegar to 6 to 8 ounces of purged water. Drink this blend for the duration of the day.

You shouldn’t devour more than one 8-ounce glass of this combination each day. You can likewise utilize it on plates of mixed greens straight or add it to your number one serving of mixed greens dressing.

Whenever ingested in bigger sums, apple juice vinegar can prompt low degrees of potassium and osteoporosis.

Individuals with diabetes should practice alert when drinking this blend. Screen your glucose levels cautiously for the duration of the day.

You shouldn’t drink this combination in case you’re taking:

insulin

digoxin (Digox)

diuretics, like spironolactone (Aldactone)

Celery juice

Celery juice is thought to gather up poisons that add to kidney stone development and has for quite some time been utilized in conventional meds. Kidney stone home remedy likewise assists flush with trip the body so you can pass the stone.

Mix at least one celery stems with water, and drink the juice for the duration of the day.

You shouldn’t drink this blend in the event that you have:

any draining problem

low pulse

a planned a medical procedure

You additionally shouldn’t drink this combination in case you’re taking:

levothyroxine (Synthroid)

lithium (Lithane)

prescriptions that increment sun affectability, for example, isotretinoin (Sotret)

narcotic drugs, like alprazolam (Xanax)

Pomegranate juice

Pomegranate juice has been utilized for quite a long time to further develop by and large kidney work. It will flush stones and different poisons from your framework. It’s loaded with cell reinforcements, which help keep the kidneys sound and may play a part in forestalling kidney stones from creating.

It additionally brings down your pee’s corrosiveness level. Lower corrosiveness levels decrease your danger for future kidney stones.

Pomegranate juice’s impact on forestalling kidney stones should be better contemplated, yet there seems, by all accounts, to be some advantage in taking pomegranate separate, bringing down the danger of stones.

There’s no restriction to how much pomegranate juice you can drink for the duration of the day.

You shouldn’t drink pomegranate juice in case you’re taking:

meds changed by the liver

circulatory strain meds, like chlorothiazide (Diuril)

rosuvastatin (Crestor)

Kidney bean stock

The stock from cooked kidney beans is a customary dish, frequently utilized in India, that has been utilized to further develop in general urinary and kidney wellbeing. It additionally helps break up and flush out the stones. Kidney stone home remedy Essentially strain the fluid from cooked beans and drink a couple of glasses for the duration of the day.

Other normal cures

The accompanying home cures might contain fixings that aren’t now in your kitchen. You ought to have the option to get them from your neighborhood wellbeing food store or on the web.

Dandelion root juice

Dandelion root is a kidney tonic that animates the creation of bile. This is thought to assist with disposing of waste, increment pee yield, and further develop processing. Dandelions have nutrients (A, B, C, D) and minerals like potassium, iron, and zinc.

One studyTrusted Source showed that dandelion is compelling in forestalling the arrangement of kidney stones.

You can make new dandelion squeeze or get it as a tea. On the off chance that you make it new, you may likewise add orange strip, ginger, and apple to taste. Drink 3 to 4 cups for the duration of the day.

A few group experience acid reflux when they eat dandelion or its parts.

You shouldn’t drink this combination in case you’re taking:

blood thinners

acid neutralizers

anti-toxins

lithium

diuretics, like spironolactone (Aldactone)

Converse with your primary care physician prior to taking dandelion root separate, as it can connect with numerous meds.

Wheatgrass juice

Wheatgrass is loaded with numerous supplements and has for quite some time been utilized to upgrade wellbeing. Wheatgrass expands pee stream to assist with passing the stones. It likewise contains imperative supplements that help purge the kidneys.

You can drink 2 to 8 ounces of wheatgrass juice each day. Kidney stone home remedy To forestall incidental effects, start with the littlest sum conceivable and slowly move gradually up to 8 ounces.

In the event that new wheatgrass juice isn’t accessible, you can take powdered wheatgrass supplements as coordinated.

Taking wheatgrass on an unfilled stomach can diminish your danger for queasiness. Now and again, it might cause craving misfortune and clogging.

Horsetail juice

Horsetail has been utilized to build pee stream to assist with flushing out kidney stones and can relieve enlarging and aggravation. It likewise has antibacterial and cell reinforcement properties that guide in general urinary wellbeing.

Be that as it may, you shouldn’t utilize horsetail for over about a month and a half at a time. There are risks of seizures, diminished degrees of B nutrients, and loss of potassium.

You shouldn’t utilize horsetail on the off chance that you take lithium, diuretics, or heart drugs like digoxin.

Horsetail isn’t suggested for youngsters and pregnant or breastfeeding ladies. Kidney stone home remedy Horsetail contains nicotine and shouldn’t be taken in case you’re utilizing a nicotine fix or attempting to stop smoking.

You additionally shouldn’t drink horsetail juice on the off chance that you have:

liquor use problem

diabetes

low potassium levels

low thiamine levels

When to see your PCP

See your primary care physician in case you can’t pass your stone inside about a month and a half or you start encountering serious indications that include:

serious torment

blood in your pee

fever

chills

queasiness

retching

Your primary care physician will decide if you need drug or some other treatment to assist you with passing the stone.

The primary concern

Despite the fact that it very well might be awkward, it’s feasible to pass a kidney stone all alone.

You can assume control over-the-counter pain killers to reduce any aggravation you might be encountering. These incorporate acetaminophen (Tylenol), ibuprofen (Advil), or naproxen (Aleve).

Make certain to proceed with treatment until the stone passes, and don’t drink liquor.

When you pass a kidney stone, you might need to save it to take to your primary care physician for testing. T Kidney stone home remedy o save the stone, you need to strain your pee. You can do this utilizing a pee screen, which you can get from the specialist’s office. Your PCP can figure out what sort of stone it is and assist with fostering a designated anticipation plan.

You may add these solutions for your typical routine and proceed with use after the stone passes. This might assist with keeping additional stones from shaping.

Make certain to converse with your PCP prior to taking drugs or spices.

Spices aren’t managed for quality and immaculateness by the FDA, so research your decisions and hotspots for procurement. A new examination of 27 distinct enhancements for kidney wellbeing tracked down that 66% of them included fixings that have no exploration to help their utilization Kidney stone home remedy.

[joanprimmer22]

From Fool To Fortune Part Three - The Invasion Of Family Virtues With Electronic Images

Smoking has been a controversial subject for many decades. Everyone knows it is detrimental and still can not seem to kick the nicotine habit. Why do people smoke? The biggest reason for the smoker who has had this habit for many years is the being hooked on nicotine. There are techniques that this addiction can be get over.

Your universe should be telling an individual quitting. Lose your smoking friends for just a few weeks if you're able to. Write down optimistic thoughts and study them assist you reaffirm your life changing decision, every month. Reading them every day is vitally vital your depths of the mind. The message to smoking cigarettes should be spread loud and clear across your assorted mediums of work, home and everywhere you often are such as car, computer and even put them in your inbox you receive is your smartphone. Be creative. Enjoy incorporate different marketing methods as almost as much as you can now.

Joining a support group - make use of them find it a lot easier to kick the habit of smoking by joining a support group. This quit smoking method works and constitutes a huge lot of sense: as you're a part of a support group, you'll be in this with other sites who accomplish / do this component. Using this quit smoking method you uncover share your experiences, as well as get a glimpse of what's well before you, by listening to others, in which a bit further in the process. More Visit: dual vaping pod system

Because I'd tried to quit too often to even attempt to count, I'd a fairly solid supply of 4mg nicotine lozenges and nicotine bubble gum. In the past, I'd always made an effort to make an about face from cigarettes to either the gum or the lozenges. Well, as any smoker can attest to, a fresh cup of coffee including piece of nicotine gum in the morning just doesn't make the grade! Then you pace around your house and finally throw in towel and go buy another back pack. The problem with in the area that you condition you into believing that sort of quit does not stop makes this process difficult to push utilizing craving.

When you smoke cigarettes (or anything for that matter) prior to sleeping it produces excess mucus in your throat and sinuses. Might mean add substantial blockage for the upper decrease airway tracts resulting in, you guessed it, increased snoring. This is a tough one I bear in mind. I used to smoke before I turned in each night. As soon as I opted to stop this habit (before hitting the hay that is), it helped me out a good deal. If you're really addicted and actually need to possess a fix prior to bed, try chewing some nicotine gum or utilizing Electronic Cigarette. Whatever else. Trust me, it makes a popular difference.

Reinforce up your eyes of yourself as a non-smoker with focused visualization. Use visualizations to construct a picture inside your mind of yourself as the non-smoker. See yourself several situations any cigarette. Each situation see yourself enjoying the scene and your specific interaction online websites without a cigaratte. Take the time on visualizing yourself as a non-smoker each.

An oral fixation play a big part in smoking addictive problems. If this is valid for you, try find other innovative solutions to satisfy this habit. Many quitters like to use gum, hard candy, or mints to keep their mouths occupied. Inbound links while others prefer to real cigarettes with electronic ones assist you them smoking cigarettes.

No matter which of this quit smoking methods you choose to go with, you'll need to keep under consideration that is actually all precipitates to is the mindset. Get the right mindset and your battle against nicotine and cigarettes is half acquired. Also, try to set a strong enough motivation permit anyone help you thru the rough times. I'm not really gonna misinform you and tell you it's all gonna be roses. These get just a few of the quit smoking symptoms. You'll then get cravings at a single. So diane puttman is hoping why you need to that you choose the right motivation, you maintain the right mindset (that of a WINNER), may pick one of the using tobacco methods above - ensure that Think most satisfied with.

[stomped-camels]

Day 1

I downloaded this application, QuitGuide, to quit smoking. The app had a journal entry section, but this app hasn’t gotten any actual tune-ups in what seems like years (it almost looks like something that belongs on my old iPhone 3GS), but it’ll send me reminders throughout the day. That seems helpful enough to warrant keeping it. I originally quit back in March for a solid… week and a half, or so. It was actually kind of easy, and made me think I won’t have trouble staying away from cigarettes. And then I visited my mom, and it all went to hell. So. It’s the dead of night, and I stomped on the pack of Camel Blues I bought today. I can’t recall how much they were, but I’m pretty sure they were $7.00, around. I bought a $9 lotto ticket that got me zilch, so all in all, I paid around $16 for the whole bunch. My dad loaned me $80 today, since I lost my debit card. I spent it almost entirely on the cigarettes and lotto ticket, lunch, and procuring a Blu Ray copy of The Phantom of the Opera and Se7en from Barnes and Noble. I have a spending problem. On an unrelated note, the best place to get classic horror films for Halloween is WalMart. Unfortunately, N converted me to Blu Rays, and now that’s all I can watch. I have a huge plastic tub of DVDs that will now go unwatched. I should maybe donate those… Not the TV shows, though. Most TV show companies don’t convert their content to Blu Ray, except more recent stuff, and The X Files. I started smoking back in 2015, summer of 2015. I had just come out of a mental hospital, which a suicide attempt put me in. My mom’s smoked all my life. The only time she stopped was for my sister nine years my junior to be born, and if I remember correctly, she stayed off cigarettes for a few years, but eventually fell off the wagon. Is that the right term, fell off the wagon? I feel like it is. Anyway, point is, I always felt like I’d end up smoking. My best friend at the time picked it up after berating me for saying “I feel like I need a rebellious trait… smoking seems like the ticket.” I in turn berated her for starting up after calling me an idiot, and it was in a car, her sister was driving, she tried to jump out. My previous friendships were not healthy, and at some point will make a wonderfully well-received teen novel about accepting the end of long-term friendships and how they’re literally impossible to stop. Back to my smoking. I bought a pack of Marlboro Blacks that June, and I “smoked” them. By “smoked,” I mean I inhaled the smoke in my mouth and puffed out like that was how one smokes. Every once in a while, the smoke actually went down my throat and I’d cough like mad. Never wanted to throw up, though, which I always expected since I have severe acid reflux—which, if I may contribute to any studies of how cigarette smoking affects people with the dreaded GERD, only ended up in awful mornings of intolerable heartburn from the previous day of heavy smoking. I switched to Marlboro Silvers. Or Golds, I can’t remember, once I really started smoking. When I got a boyfriend later that year, I switched to Camel Crushes, but I wouldn’t crush the menthol. In May of 2016, an elderly WalMart employee couldn’t find any Camel Crushes behind the counter and I, feeling guilty for waving my bad habit about in front of this old woman, settled for the in-stock Camel Blues. And I smoked them ever since. Around a pack a day, every day, every week. I am a nicotine addict. It doesn’t feel like a release to say that, but it also doesn’t feel like the greatest shame in my life. I’ve had more shameful moments than saying that, some of which have arisen from being an addict, sure, but. Saying it doesn’t make me want to contact Dr. Phil and try and get on his show to discuss my “deplorable habit.” On the app, I was asked the reason why I wanted to quit. I initially typed “to be able to exercise without feeling breathless and to be able to advance with my singing,” but I backspaced almost immediately because that’s not the real reason. I met N around the beginning of October of 2016. I had confided in him that I was a smoker, and I asked if he had any problems with that. He told me, and I’m paraphrasing only the tiniest bit, that guys who smoked “turned him on.” I can’t remember if he said guys who smoked “are hot” or “turn him on,” but it doesn’t really matter. After a few months of being subjected to me calling for a smoke break at home, or in the car, he finally told me that the habit had becoming irritating and rather disgusting. I reeked of smoke and my breath was abbhorent. So I made the decision to quit (which resulted in the previously mentioned week-and-a-half of being smoke-free). Once I started smoking again, I shamefully (see what I meant?) realized I had basically lied to him, and that I was back on this bullshit and I have been lying to him ever since. I feel guilty all the time I’m with him, and I feel I’ve caused a strain. He’s in Seattle, currently, visiting a friend. I decided I’d quit and start cleaning up my life in other areas, too. I’ve been unemployed for about seven months, so I wanna get serious about it. Not that I haven’t applied elsewhere (it’s a long story and to be frank it just pisses me off), I just need to think smaller. N is my reason for quitting smoking. My main reason, at least. I get the whole “detriment to my health” deal and the “waste of money” point, but my main reason is doing right by him. I don’t want to worry about how my breath or clothes smell. I don’t want to mute myself when we’re on the phone for constant hours and I feel the urge to go outside and spark one up. I want to be honest. And to be honest, I have to hide from him that I have indeed been smoking, and once I quit, I’ll basically be telling the truth. Yikes, I feel like some troublesome character on a sitcom. But. You get the picture. By the way, who is You? Who’s gonna be reading this? Probably no one. I’ve started up journals before and I never gain any traction. Logically, You is Me. Me. I’m talking to you, me. This journal is for myself. I want to post about how my life may be getting better (or worse) once I’ve stopped smoking. It also works as a good craving suppressant. Write about how sad you feel about hiding something from your significant other and you’ll be less likely to do it. Who said that? Me, but it makes sense in the logical aspect of things. So, it’s what, 2:06 in the morning? Should probably wrap this up, I decided to also fix my sleep schedule by downloading this alarm clock app that won’t stop screaming at me until I solve five puzzles that require cognizant brain-power. Alright, C. Wake up tomorrow, at a DECENT TIME, and do something productive. Maybe go apply to some places, take a walk around the neighborhood. You can do it. I believe in you.

October 15, 2017, 2:09 a.m.

[januarycraze]

QUiT

Someone said that all smokers deep down all want to quit, I think he had a fair point. So here I am, finally updating this blog with my story of quitting cigarettes, it’s a good one, and it’s been told pretty much a thousand times to friends and family, but hey, considering it is one of my biggest achievements yet (ironically, an achievement non-required had I not made the mistake of picking it up in the first place) I’d like to document it here and perchance someone might come across it and find it useful, then I save a life, who knows.

So about 5 months ago, on an ordinary September night I was tending to my digital koi’s on Zen Koi, a sudden flashback entered my mind, it was a video of an interview of one of my favourite British actors, Ewan McGregor on Ellen, professing his experience on quitting cigarettes with hypnotherapy. Now by that point, I had attempted given up twice, first time lasted 3 months, the other, a little over 3 weeks. The first try was me replying solely on “willpower” and nothing more. Then a year later I procured this little book called “Cigarettes are Sublime” by Richard Klein which was a collection of essays in the study and research of tobacco history and culture. I love the book for as far as I read it, at the time, I parted with cigarettes as if it were breaking up with a long time lover, I learned to accept it, embraced it, and said my farewell, because I did love smoking for when all’s gone and done, cigarettes were always by my side, at my disposal to mend any emotional void or nervous breakdown… Although it was a very good approach with quitting, I went back to smoking as if nothing had happened after a short while.

So by the time Ewan’s interview crossed my thought, I considered the possibility half-heartedly, I wasn’t READY to embark on another journey on quitting smokes, but hypnotherapy sounds hip and cool, so I thought I’d give it a go by checking out the prices online, I went as far as contacting a few therapists via emails and to no surprises each session costs more than I could afford even with the money i’d saved on cigs, no doubt I quickly gave that up, resumed to my fishy paradise of Zen Koi feeling depleted. However a nagging voice rang in my head, next thing I know I was searching on Google Play to see if I could cheap out on the fees for some free apps, to my pleasant findings, I downloaded 4 free apps and one paid app, which cost a little as 5 bucks. It was September 13th, 2016, I’d expected nothing out of them except some novelty, new toys to play with. I wanted to wait ‘til October 1st to commence the trial of cellphone hypnotherapy sessions, however out of curiosity, I chose ONE track to play that night (the paid app, to get a feel of its efficacy). I put on headphones as suggested and laying comfortably on the couch, due to a major ants invasion in the apartment, the bed was infested with ants… I quickly fell asleep with the sound of one Glenn Harrold from his app named simply and quite rightly, “Stop Smoking”. The track lasted 30 minutes, I was able to stay awake for the first 10 minutes until I was fast asleep, the next time I woke up, to my upmost surprise i opened my eyes as Harrold uttered the words “WAKE UP NOW!” I got spooked, but my sleepiness did not keep me pondering about this before i fell back to deep slumber.

The next morning I woke up, not feeling particularly different or out of sorts, only thing was that my throat was dry and a bit swollen, foretold an impending cold, coincidentally i was out of cigs, normally i wouldn’t wait a heartbeat before running to the nearest Dépenneure, but today, ah today I decided to give it a rest, of course in my mind it had nothing to do with the app, it was just me making a conscious decision to give myself a day off, “tomorrow though, i’d definitely go.” was my thought process. That night I resumed the recordings as I did the fore night, at the precise spot I sprang my eyes open where the track stopped, I couldn’t help but be convinced of its influence. In the morning, I had the same irritable sensation in my throat, although i was convinced i’d buy a pack that day, I didn’t. So it went on for rest of the week. Albeit my determination to purchase a new pack throughout the week since my throat had cleared up, fate (or chance, as my beliefs would say) wouldn’t let me get that pack of cigarettes, each time I turned to the shop something had to distract me or I was running too late to make time before the shop closed. Before I knew it, I found myself not smoking one cigarette for a week, it was hardly October yet, I contemplated, yet decided to continue with this undertaking just to see how long it would last me, in my mind, if I could quit for more than 3 months and not developing any desire to pick it up again, i’d consider myself successful.

So it went every night I alternated the two audio tracks, when I got bored with it, I switched to the other free apps, always with headphones on and always before bed, how EXACTLY hypnotherapy works is still a head-scratcher to me, all I can say is, during the past 5 months, I smoked occasionally from the mercy sparing of my colleagues, I bought and chewed nicotine gums for the first time which gave me heart attacks despite small dosages. I didn’t constantly think about smoking or quitting smokes, I did not need to utilize any ‘’willpower’’ for that matter, either. All I did was giving it an honest shot open-mindedly to be completely receptive to hypnotherapy, and now January 30th, (my birthday) I can confidently say I’m a non-smoker. Occasionally if I do smoke due to drinking or whoever offers it to me, I don’t enjoy it as much as I used to, but most importantly, I don’t have the cravings to buy a new pack immediately after smoking one, it won’t even linger in my head.

One of the best things about not smoking, apart from the obvious health benefits, immense savings and no longer being prejudiced from friends/family and the rest of the society is that I suddenly have a LOT more time on hand, I used to be the person that hurry to work so I’d have time to smoke, or I’d rush when I get ready for work, had to smoke before putting on makeups, and another one after, same with running errands, doing chores, cigarettes had to be a part of every routine. Now I can just sit and actually do shit without having to get up, put on socks and fluffy shoes, jacket, gloves, hats, just so I can walk up to the balcony for a smoke. With 1443 cigarettes not smoked since Day 1, I’ve spared 7215 minutes of my life = 120 hours = 5 days, a lot of extra time. That’s a thing that people rarely talk about which I appreciate the most. 

I think I’ll leave it at that, I should go back to the app page to leave a review and a rating and spread the love, see, it’s not so bad being a quitter sometimes. 

[peacekaleandyoga1]

It is certainly true that people generally deny that they could stand to lose a few pounds. This involves giving serious thought to unpleasant health issues and the possibility of dying. That’s why the tips below are for.

Staying active is a big difference when it comes to weight loss. Riding a bike or taking a walk helps your burn a lot of calories, while sitting on the couch will not.A small amount of movement is all that is necessary, so try to swap some activity for TV time!

One excellent method of losing weight is to become a member of Jenny Craig. They have supportive staff members and resources available to you.If you are able to do it money wise, joining might be the best thing you have ever done for yourself.

TIP! Don’t keep junk food in your home. Not sure you can resist the temptation of a box of cookies or bag of your favorite chips? Don’t bring them into your home in the first place! Replace junk food with healthy items that you can snack on any time.

Don’t be ashamed if you have half a plate of food on a weight loss plan. Taking food home with leftovers is quite acceptable.Don’t feel the need to eat something just because it’s on your plate.

Pay attention to what tastes delicious tastes. People sometimes will eat habitually without knowing that they don’t really like what they’re eating. Take your time to savor each bite. You don’t have to eat food simply because you don’t like it! Your satisfaction and your health is more important than the money anyways. You can lose more weight if you’re able to figure out if you should be eating what’s on your plate. It is a personal decision.

Heart Rate

TIP! Identify foods that are tasty to you. People tend to practice habitual eating habits, not really moving towards foods they actually prefer that could be healthy food choices.

You should buy a monitor for your heart rate if you want to lose weight. The heart rate monitor will help guide you to keep your needs there.

Walking is an effective way to take off extra weight. It keeps your weight loss–it burns calories while also suppressing your appetite! You can burn up to 500 calories an hour stint.

Try switching to pasta that is whole wheat. It seems tempting to eliminate carbs when attempting to lose weight. Try using pasta that is whole wheat noodles as a replacement.Whole wheat pasta is better choice. They are also fill you up more than alternative possibilities.

TIP! You should write down what calories you eat every day. You easily do this by keeping track of the calories in every meal you eat and by calculating your daily caloric needs.

If you are a smoker, giving up cigarettes may cause you to gain weight. Don’t quit them both at the weight is gone. Smoking is difficult addiction to break, and quitting may ultimately result in replacing the nicotine with food. This could lead to you gain weight and harm your diet.

Reducing salt intake can help you lose a few pounds. When you stop eating salt, you can better taste the food’s natural salt, which can curb junk food cravings. Fast food has a ton of salt, so avoid it.

It is a good idea to eat during the same hour each day.It has scientifically been proven that people enjoy knowing when their next meal is and are less likely to search for other food. Try to work out a schedule that will be easy to follow and stick to it.

TIP! Do not skip meals for any reason if you want to eat better. While you might believe that skipping meals helps you lose weight, your body actually begins to store fat more quickly when you do, because your body anticipates more missed meals.

If you work at a desk, get up and move around each hour.

Sleep is a chief factor in reducing stress when trying to lose weight. Mental health leads to physical health, that is why it is important to get 7-8 hours of sleep each night. If you get too much or too little, you are more likely to be overweight and have an unhealthy lifestyle.

Exercise is a great mood lifter. The endorphins that are released due to exercise will have you shed some calories and get rid of the blues!

TIP! Lowering your calorie count is a good way to jump start weight loss. Burning more calories than what you eat is going to result in weight loss.

Lose Weight

One great way to lose weight is by finding an activity you enjoy and continuing to do it. This can help you burn a few more calories and lose weight quicker. If you can enjoy the activity, they will not feel like work, which means your motivation won’t diminish over time.

You must get enough sleep to lose weight. A lack of sleep increase hormones that result in overeating.

TIP! Try running on the beach to lose weight. The sand is harder to run in than a sidewalk or grass and will work your legs and cardiovascular system much harder in a shorter distance.

Drinking a healthy amount of water will assist in weight loss plan be successful. Drinking the proper amount of water helps you to avoid sodas and sweetened juices. Sugary drinks contain a lot of calories and can hinder your weight loss efforts.

Surveys indicate that those who take note of their food are more apt to shed pounds. The difference in how much weight they lose is actually astounding when compared to others who do not write down their food journal.

Natural applesauce makes a great dip for fresh fruit, while raw vegetables can have a garnish to make them taste better.

TIP! You shouldn’t be drinking liquor with food when you want to be on a diet. Liquor has lots of calories and it can lower inhibitions to the point that you overeat instead of resisting temptation.

Walk up stairs when available.You will be surprised how much exercise you can add to your routine by making this small change. If you need to lose weight quickly, run staircases rather than walk them. Make sure you’re careful because if you fall you may hurt yourself, since a fall down the stairs will defiantly hinder your exercise plans.

Don’t just try weight loss because someone else push you to. It’s not easy to lose weight enough already without the additional pressure of making the whole thing terrible for you.

Find someone to confide in when you are feeling blue. You will come across both ups and downs, and it’s great to have someone to talk to about it.

TIP! Adapting to a healthier lifestyle doesn’t mean giving up coffee, because you can switch to decaf and reduce creams and sugars. Decaf is a smart choice as it’s pretty low on calories overall.

Weight Loss

Talk to friends and family about their diet. Choose those people who look the way you would like to look. Ask pertinent questions concerning their weight loss programs and how much exercise routine. You might get good info that will ensure you achieve your own weight loss goals.

As you can see, considering weight loss and improving your health and life was not as upsettng as you might have thought. Extra weight can be bad for your health, especially if you have too much. By following what’s presented here, you’ll be helping yourself attain and retain your ideal weight.

TIP! Working out is important to help with weight loss. You should set aside time for exercising on a daily basis.

If you enjoyed this post, you should read this: NFL Super Bowl 2014 Champion, Michael Robinson, Chooses Fresh Healthy Vending for New Business Venture | Business Wire

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Natural Remedies to Stop Smoking Today

If you prefer the alternative way to stop smoking, you will find the natural remedies to stop smoking below useful

* Ginger – You can use ginger to conquer nausea, one of the commonest signs of stop smoking. Smokers, trying to quit, experience nausea in the first few days to weeks of dropping off cigarettes. If not quickly checked with ginger, nausea can cause a relapse, a situation that will not be too good. The ginger root also aids digestion.

* Lobelia – Like ginger, Lobelia assists in overpowering nausea. It also produces feelings similar to nicotine on the brain and usually relaxes the body. Even though it’s a stand-in for nicotine, Lobelia is not addictive.

*Oats – This home remedy works by getting rid of the toxins and making the body recover from the lack of nicotine. To prepare oats, add two cups of boiled water to a tablespoon of ground oats. Cover it overnight and then boil it for 10 minutes. Drink the mixture a few hours after your main meals every day. Avoid taking the mixture at night.

*Orange and Grape Juice – The acid content of both the orange and grape juices helps to do away with the nicotine in the body. They can help you stop smoking.

*Grape Seed Extract- This is a vital home remedy. It repairs the harm done to the lungs by several years of smoking.

* Supplements – Consuming supplements like green tea, apple cider vinegar and chlorophyll helps because they cleanse the body of toxins.

*Healthy Diet – By nature, smoking robs addicts of the essential nutrients in food. It also makes them lose energy, so, when you are attempting to drop off cigarettes, endeavor to eat healthy meals.

* Water – Water is a detoxifier as well as a powerful cleanser. Consuming it during nicotine withdrawal helps battle cravings and reduces the withdrawal symptoms. Also, it helps to get rid of the nicotine in the body system.

*Cayenne – Get rid of nicotine urges by making use of cayenne to deaden the respiratory linings to nicotine and other substances contained in the smoke. Cayenne also works as an antioxidant that soothes your lung membranes and assists to stop further harm. Your longing for a cigarette are also lessened by the hot spicy taste of cayenne.

*Honey – Honey is exceptionally rich in ingredients that will assist the body recuperate faster. Don’t forget the body has been badly damaged by smoking. It contains vitamins, proteins and enzymes which make dropping off cigarettes easy.

* Orange juice mixed with cream of tartar -This can help decrease your hunger for smoking a cigarette. Every time you feel like lighting up, add one half spoon of tartar in a glass of orange juice and swallow it. When you do this often, it will reduce your cigarette urges to a point where you will no longer want to smoke. It is advisable you gulp this mixture every night before sleeping.

Source by Jane Allen

from Home Solutions Forev https://homesolutionsforev.com/natural-remedies-to-stop-smoking-today/ via Home Solutions on WordPress from Home Solutions FOREV https://homesolutionsforev.tumblr.com/post/187000320135 via Tim Clymer on Wordpress

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Natural Remedies to Stop Smoking Today

If you prefer the alternative way to stop smoking, you will find the natural remedies to stop smoking below useful

* Ginger – You can use ginger to conquer nausea, one of the commonest signs of stop smoking. Smokers, trying to quit, experience nausea in the first few days to weeks of dropping off cigarettes. If not quickly checked with ginger, nausea can cause a relapse, a situation that will not be too good. The ginger root also aids digestion.

* Lobelia – Like ginger, Lobelia assists in overpowering nausea. It also produces feelings similar to nicotine on the brain and usually relaxes the body. Even though it’s a stand-in for nicotine, Lobelia is not addictive.

*Oats – This home remedy works by getting rid of the toxins and making the body recover from the lack of nicotine. To prepare oats, add two cups of boiled water to a tablespoon of ground oats. Cover it overnight and then boil it for 10 minutes. Drink the mixture a few hours after your main meals every day. Avoid taking the mixture at night.

*Orange and Grape Juice – The acid content of both the orange and grape juices helps to do away with the nicotine in the body. They can help you stop smoking.

*Grape Seed Extract- This is a vital home remedy. It repairs the harm done to the lungs by several years of smoking.

* Supplements – Consuming supplements like green tea, apple cider vinegar and chlorophyll helps because they cleanse the body of toxins.

*Healthy Diet – By nature, smoking robs addicts of the essential nutrients in food. It also makes them lose energy, so, when you are attempting to drop off cigarettes, endeavor to eat healthy meals.

* Water – Water is a detoxifier as well as a powerful cleanser. Consuming it during nicotine withdrawal helps battle cravings and reduces the withdrawal symptoms. Also, it helps to get rid of the nicotine in the body system.

*Cayenne – Get rid of nicotine urges by making use of cayenne to deaden the respiratory linings to nicotine and other substances contained in the smoke. Cayenne also works as an antioxidant that soothes your lung membranes and assists to stop further harm. Your longing for a cigarette are also lessened by the hot spicy taste of cayenne.

*Honey – Honey is exceptionally rich in ingredients that will assist the body recuperate faster. Don’t forget the body has been badly damaged by smoking. It contains vitamins, proteins and enzymes which make dropping off cigarettes easy.

* Orange juice mixed with cream of tartar -This can help decrease your hunger for smoking a cigarette. Every time you feel like lighting up, add one half spoon of tartar in a glass of orange juice and swallow it. When you do this often, it will reduce your cigarette urges to a point where you will no longer want to smoke. It is advisable you gulp this mixture every night before sleeping.

Source by Jane Allen

from Home Solutions Forev https://homesolutionsforev.com/natural-remedies-to-stop-smoking-today/ via Home Solutions on WordPress