#...to any capacity you feel warrants it. if you don't relate to this that says NOTHING about your abuse nor your response to abuse

[uncanny-tranny]

At some point, you have to concede that the abuse wasn't your fault - that there was no action you could have taken to have prevented it, and that it wasn't your fault.

I used to try finding the magic things that would stop the abuse - gifts, kind words, tears, smiles, pretending I didn't exist - and that was because I first and foremost saw the abuse as my fault. It was my responsibility to end the abuse, otherwise, I am somehow proving to the skies above that this is what I wanted from life. I've noticed that for some people, this is a common impulse. It's the victim-blaming internalized and molded in such a way that feels true, and it's hard sometimes to notice it.

What I want to do is, at the very least, remind you (if this resonates) that it isn't your fault. But you don't need to blame yourself for this, either, because you never deserved this in the first place. This isn't "atonement," this isn't right, this isn't cosmic justice. I can't tell you how to leave this situation, but I will say that you deserve to know that you don't deserve this, that you aren't an irredeemable monster who is being punished, as I've seen some people (including myself) believing about our abuse.

[bananasfosterparent]

@oonalovesastarionssimpleplans

Moving to a text post because it's more comfortable. But hold on...

I mean no offense, but no one needs permission or guidelines (especially from another fan) for how they're "allowed" to enjoy AA and to get berated for "not understanding the character" when they understand him perfectly fine. Just differently.

Is it truly that hard to fathom that some people enjoy the actual character and the dynamic that happens between him and Tav/Durge and not (just) the sexy stuff?

Is it truly that hard to imagine that there are people who enjoy AA outside of the (very mild) sexual content?

Do you only see the ascended ending as some sexy fantasy with nothing else to offer?

Larian themselves did not call it his "bad" ending. The only person who said that was a certain cowriter. Said cowriter was not saying it in an official capacity and was sharing their opinions.

Want to know something? The spawn ending felt more like failing him to me. And that's simply just how it felt. Can't change that as there's no reason to.

Anyone can claim how Tav is "supposed" to feel during a certain scene or event. Even some one shiny and "official". But that does not make it canon information if it isn't actually stated in the game. It really doesn't mean anything in relation to roleplay, except that it's just one way out of many to interpret that game event.

No writer, cowriter, or fellow fan can actually tell someone how that person's Tav feels because only that person can say. That's what roleplaying is.

Regardless of the co-writer's intentions for a specific message or agenda in the story, unfortunately, due to the nature of the game and individual experience, every person is going to interpret the same information differently. As they are supposed to. That's the point of the game.

Yes, there are people who ascend him just because it's sexy. I have seen people admit things, like how they'd never ascend him or could never do "that" to him for roleplay, but they still ascend him just to see the romance scene. I've seen people admit they'd never ascend him for roleplay reasons or dislike AA overall, but are glad to find clips of the romance scene online so they can still enjoy it. Honestly if that's how they enjoy the character and game, that's their choice.

But the people who usually do that are not the people who call themselves AA fans. Because the people who do that don't typically enjoy that version of him, only parts of it. And that's fine! But you cannot lump us all together.

I don't know a single AA fan who prefers the ending SOLELY for the sexual content or the "sexy Vampire" fantasy. I don't know a single AA fan's Tav who ascended him solely because they wanted to be with the "sexy vampire". There's always a roleplay reason well beyond that. Unfortunately, no matter what any cowriter says, personal interpretation and roleplay comes first, thanks to the nature of this game.

And, while I appreciate the way you and the cowriter and many others interpret his story, I cannot and do not interpret it that way, based on my own trauma experiences, my own biases, my own individual understanding, AND my own desire for the kind of narrative I want to tell. And that isn't just me. That goes for every single person as an individual who plays the game.

Like it or not, this is a roleplaying game. Heavy on the roleplay. With this game specifically, the individual player's interpretation of canon information comes first before any writer's intent. That does not render the cowriter's agenda null and void, as many people (like yourself) see it the same way, but it does mean that there is more than one way to interpret this story, and ignoring or berating others for simply connecting to his story in a different way, saying it's "provocative and untrue", is quite honestly inconsiderate and condescending. And wrong.

Yes, posting anything to the internet is going to warrant a response from people who disagree. Everyone who posts anything online knows that. However, there's zero reason to actively be the one saying the negative things. Especially when it's about something innocent and fun.

[lonelyheartsclub35]

I'm sure you mean well. But, let me be one man to tell you that men do not need someone to champion against misandry. You know where I experience "misandry?" Tumblr (and it's never anyone being mean to me, more like someone expressing how hurt or mad they are about the glaring difference between how men and women are treated, or something bad that happened to them, I would and do hate men too, and you know, it isn't misandry, misandry is not real in the capacity that misogyny is). Does "misandry" on Tumblr bother me? No, I feel for those ladies, if anything. What is this telling you?

Misandry is not a problem at all. It is reactionary to misogyny, something all women experience outside of Tumblr every day (again, what is this telling you?). I don't have to be a woman to know that. I see and hear it literally everywhere. No exaggeration there. In fact, I more often hear of people praising misogynistic men and cheering them on through their misogyny. Instances of "misandry" are few and far between. Women are often scared to even speak out publicly of their concerns because they'll be dogpiled by naysayers...so it's not often I hear a lady be outspoken outside the Internet as they tend to get shouted down or regarded as a buzzkill or something.

I would consider myself a misandrist for how much I hate my fellow man for the ways they regard women. They lack a moral compass. Except I hardly consider misandry a thing, as I know my hatred is not misplaced or for no reason. Whereas misogyny is. This is not to say "women can do no wrong." But, any time a woman has wronged me, I never once felt as though it was out of hatred for men. More to do with the woman's own personal problems, or perhaps reactionary to something I did or said. No wrong doing ever warrants misogyny. But, when men do wrong, en masse, and their reason is "women bad, women no give what I want," or the infamous "women are good for nothing but taking and sucking dick" as quoted by a former friend of mine; then I'd argue that misandry is absolutely warranted.

Men I know, men I live with actively spit vitriol that would make your ears hurt. "Bitch, cunt, whore, slut" all a regular part of a man's vocabulary that he will throw around with reckless abandon regardless of his surroundings. Not to mention the poor opinions he has of women.

A man I live with treats women as disposable, as he dumps his girlfriend because he "can't hold down a relationship" (she loved him so much, I don't know why), and then he proceeds to go on Tinder to attempt to hook up with various different women. I get far better manners, consideration, and treatment from any and all women I know. I wonder why that would be...is it because I'm respectful and do my best to be self-aware and considerate to my surroundings? Is it because I don't use and discard women like they are pieces of trash? Men wouldn't experience what they believe to be misandry if they weren't such inconsiderate sacks of shit. They say and do hurtful things and wonder why people, specifically women, don't like them.

Yes, I do know good men. But, unfortunately they are few and far between from my experience. Most male friends I've grown up with unfortunately turned out to be assholes...and what were they doing while growing up? Disrespecting the vast majority of girlies I knew in a multitude of ways. Here I thought they'd grow out of it. But, instead they found ways to "mature" into it. Now one of them has trapped a lady as his trad wife as I'm already seeing 50s nuclear family happening all over again...meanwhile the woman in question actually wants to get back out there for work (had a kid with him, stuck at home doing most baby related work any time of the day, he could easily help), and it seems they keep making moves, as a couple, to keep her home. One said move being getting rid of her cat because now taking care of both baby and cat are too much for her. She had that cat before she ever met that guy. You'd think the guy would sooner do more to pull his weight. Nah. Women need help with misogyny far more than men need help with "misandry."

I'm sure you're a nice person. But, your compassion is misplaced. Better to save your energy for people who *need* it. Learn to better pick your battles, as it is not worth expending energy and mental constitution to defend men as a whole. It really isn't. Most men have a tremendous amount of learning to do. I'd sooner be trying to educate them than defend them...and even then, that is a tall order, as if you're my age and still actively spewing misogyny, you've made that decision as an adult to continue on that way rather than process a better world view.

I'm sincerely ashamed of the men I know who I once had faith in to grow up into upstanding fellows. They all instead paid strippers for services, went through women like they do their beers, and take part in what's regarded as "locker room talk" where they speak ill mannered and disrespectfully of any women they've associated with, or even not associated with. A woman gives them what they want, and she's still regarded poorly. This is not exclusive to my former circle either. Men in media. Men in politics. Men of fame. Men who are much older and worldly experienced...and so many say similar if not same shit about women in their lives (and they are comfortable doing it publicly), especially behind closed doors, amongst men, where they will speak in confidence as though to believe *all men* think like them. It's bizarre and disturbing.

Assuming you are a woman, a lady like you would *still* be spoken poorly of, despite your efforts to stand up for men. Just saying, that's half the world's population that seriously can't be bothered. They get up in arms about misandry because they feel they can't continue on with their bullshit when they're being recognized and hated for it. What's wild is I was in a group chat with a gang of fellows who would post all manners of disgusting things in that chat, in their own words, or very volatile links like pornography. They regarded it as their space to say and share anything they wanted, "*unfiltered*" (implying they must always filter themselves) that they felt they couldn't say other places (awful, disgusting things). I called them out on it. You know what happened? The chat disbanded, and they made another one without me, lmao. I spoke to them angrily, but, as a friend, and I was ostracized. Let the "misandry" flow. Men have learning to do. They are far too comfortable in this world, and they guard their shames with a firm hand.

Respectfully, your compassion could be of better use elsewhere, no offense intended. I guess the true ask is..do you support men's hatred of other men for their wrong doings, especially towards women? Do you support men who recognize misogyny as the real issue here, and not misandry? Or would you disparage that man and attempt to invalidate his factual experiences he has presented to you, from male oriented spaces and experiences that you (assuming you're a woman) may likely have never been in as men wouldn't dare speak so openly around you or invite you into their circle of hate? I'm sorry if you have, and still feel a compulsion to piece yourself off to them. Take care!

Ok well, that was super long. You must've taken a lot of time to write that so well done. You couldn't be more solid in your arguments, I'll give you that. So I will try to be as convincing as I can.

I still think that misandry should be treated as a serious issue. In my opinion, it is not just a reaction to misogyny. If it were, why is it present everywhere you look? In movies, shows, books and even music? It is also present when it comes to court cases. Mothers are favoured over fathers. Yes, even the vilest mothers that you can think of can still win custody over their kids. Women who commit crimes get fewer sentences than men, if even sentenced at all. There are even cases where men are forced to pay child support for the kids that they didn't want. As you should know, men are often ridiculed for being raped. Most people still believe that a woman can't rape a man.

So while modern feminism will convince you that misandry is just a reaction to misogyny, it is so much more than that. Anyway, I hope I got my point across :)

[paragonrobits]

marvel AU concept where the Avengers are not a set group in a traditional sense; there's no specific team line up and they don't have a particular headquarters, but they follow the logic of Marvel Ultimate Alliance's team compositions in that LITERALLY any superhero who has agreed to join the alliance (and a few villains, and some outlying cases) are considered part of the team and join up for missions whenever they are available or things are big enough to need a lot of people

Fantastic Four; X-Men; Champions; Defenders; all the independent heroes, they can all be Avengers if they're available.

A few changes that might result:

The actual group dynamics are significantly different compared to what is generally expected. Everyone is pretty much likely to be friendly with each other on some level but its not the same as normal variations of the Avengers. There's also no defined leader; there's a few CHARACTERS that are seen as leaders and tend to attract attention, but they're not in a formal role. Black Panther, Storm, Captain America/Nomad, anyone who is conventionally a leader of their own groups (Miss Marvel, Cyclops, Mister Fantastic, and so on) would qualify.

Accordingly, while they would probably have a found family dynamic its less of a specific group and more of a very fluid, dynamic shift for people who drift in and out as circumstances warrant.

The Avengers rarely form over what might be called regular threats; they don't usually show up to deal with gangsters, robberies, supervillains that are usually one-on-one, or any sort of conventional crime. This isn't to say that they don't CARE because of course they do. But the Avengers form over much larger threats and they're unlikely to be called up when the Shocker hits up a bank, though they MIGHT be called together to talk the Hulk down from one of his bad brain day moments.

There is much less of plot herding; characters tending to have enclosed stories where it feels like genuinely important problems are ignored by characters that DON'T normally deal with those things. For example, the real reason the Avengers don't deal with threats to mutantkind is that this is an X-Men specific thing and would be too complicated to figure out between different writers. Here, everyone deals with threats to mutants; Iron Man, for example, has a giant autonomous mecha laser floating around in space to shoot down Sentinels whenever they pop up. (It's an AI. In its free time it writes treatises on the fundamental horror of humanity's capacity to be cruel to itself and its probably about two and a half hours from becoming a superhero in its own right, or a lawyer.)

There's a LOT more of casual friendships outside of the conventional teams, and as a result, characters develop in ways outside their normal comfort zones and the status quo is quite different; for instance, if you presume that Hulk (a constant outsider constantly melting down) is at least on a casual basis with the X-Men (a team of outsiders, freaks and outcasts whose internal politics and conflicts are so extreme that it makes actual soap operas look restrained), he is going to have people who understand and can bond with him in a way he normally doesn't get. It's similar to how Beast was, as an Avenger, much more of a comedic character rather than the super genius, which gives the air that surrounded by other smart people he let his fur down, so to speak.

Thor and the other Norse god characters map to Norse mythology very specifically. This isn't strictly related but goes without saying.

[bakedbananners]

hi, i needed advice. so after i read your qpr fierrochase fic, i sorta felt like i relate a lot with those feelings, plus the fact that i have a crush on my best friend which i don't completely think is romantic.. so i wanted to ask you how you found out you were aro, and what you think are romantic feelings?

Hi! Glad my fic could resonate with you!!

Ok this ask got really long I’m so sorry lol 😭

Aromanticism is kinda hard to get a gauge on because it’s like describing a lack of something. I really couldn’t tell you what romantic feelings are, because I don’t feel them at all. Ive seen people say it’s like describing certain scents when you have no sense of smell, or counting turtles in a pond that doesn’t have any. Though, I’m aromantic and asexual, so my experiences are also different to someone who is aromantic but allosexual, or who is gray- or demi- romantic, etc. I do suggest going through some online resources, if you’d like! This ask has a lot of useful ones! And this list plus anything else on @arospecawarenessweek is very educational.

When I was first figuring out my identity, I ran across this checklist and found a lot of things that resonated with me. It seems this happens with a lot of online aro-specs 😂. I’d say this is when I really had the “oh shit this is an THING?” feeling lol. I also figured it out after learning I was ace, which softened the impact of the revelation, because I was already feeling that absence for sexual attraction, and applied it to romance.

Before then, I was going with biromantic because I thought “well I feel the same about dating anyone, so I guess that fits”, but that same feeling was honestly just total indifference, haha. A thought I usually had when contemplating dating a person was “would anything be different to how it is now? Would I enjoy those differences? Do I want that?” So like, thinking about a friend, I would wonder if I wanted to do anything typically romantic, like go on dates or kiss them, try to impress them, hold their hand, etc. did I think about them often and did I focus on anything that’s unique about them? Stuff like that. The answer was usually no. Aside from friends, I really didn’t even entertain the thought of being intimately involved with strangers in any capacity.

That’s not to say I don’t “romanticize” things in my life. I enjoy fictional romance because it’s fun and exciting! Slow burn romance is my fave because of the tension of it, the character dynamics, stuff like that! I end up romanticizing things in the “Ghibli” way, too (warrants its own essay tbh) like looking at nature and sunsets and human kindness and innovation. Finding beauty in every facet of the natural world, accepting it, feeling intrigue and curiosity about it, etc, is probably my closest approximation to how people feel romantic and mushy about others. There’s a misconception that aromantic are cold, distant, apathetic people, and that’s really not true lol.

There’s a lot of overlap between platonic and romantic stuff anyways, so it’s understandable that figuring this out is confusing. Queerplatonic attraction and relations are also their own beast to wrestle with. I’ve experienced that before, and its reflected in my fanfic a lot! Feeling your chest swell with lightness, feeling a deep and loving comfort and security, wanting to be intimate in a “secret-sharing” way, etc. Allos can feel this way, too! You can liken it to what people usually call a “bromance” XD.

The aromantic spectrum is very diverse in terms of culture, race and ethnicity, gender, and sexuality, and everyone’s experiences are individual. If you don’t resonate with mine, that’s totally fine! I think a lot of people have a fear of identifying a certain way and then changing it later (bc I was a bit scared of that too) but the aspec community is very welcoming if you feel a place is here for you, and you can leave or change if or whenever you’d like. 😁 💚🤍🖤

[lizzybeth1986]

Quick Thoughts on DD Book 1 Chapter 5

• Content Warning: There are references to slut shaming while speaking about opera singers, and I speak about executions in the Hamid scene (I've not added grisly details or anything, but to me what I have included does sound a little macabre). I don't know if those warrant a warning, but I'd like to err on the side of caution and ensure that anyone comfortable with that knows this before they make the decision to proceed.

• Okay on with the QT!

• Why hello there, fancy hot looking Ottoman prince dude.

• Looks like not one but both of my MCs will be living the thot life.

• Apologies for the huge delay guys. There was a LOT to unpack this chapter, and it took me a while to actually explore, confirm my research and get a clear idea overall of how I wanted to approach this one. I'm hoping once TRR ends I can get these babies out earlier.

• You know what I realised? The Lady Grandma LIKES a sassy bitch. There are several times this chapter she's actually been more approving of my headstrong Marianne than she has been of my more mild-mannered Florence. See all of this:

She's mostly approving of this, however, when Henrietta is the recipient of this behaviour, but there are also points where she appreciates the MC's candor (if she chooses to show it) such as if the MC refers to the art of the fan as "ridiculous". If there is one thing that consistently gets on Dominique's nerves, it is occasions where the MC might speak of herself and her former background negatively, mostly out of annoyance because it shows she hasn't comfortably settled into her role yet, and Dominique needs the MC to do so if Edgewater is to stay within in the family and bloodline.

• Also I love the subtle streak of independence we get to see in Annabelle. She is someone who is doing what is expected of her, someone who tries to make the best of her circumstances the only way she knows how, but she is also refreshingly open about how stressful it is for her to go down this path, even in her free scenes. She is also playful and mischievous and doesn't take herself too seriously, which makes a lot of her scenes a joy to do.

• I also really really liked the option where you tell her she's the one you want to marry, and her reaction is both a disbelief that such a dream could come true alongside a receptiveness to the idea. It's soft and sweet and beautiful.

• So we start out with a crash course on the nobility we'll meet in London (Alfred Halloway, whose daughter Felicity is debuting this season, and the Barrymore family, who are related to the Halloways by marriage). Only this time, Annabelle wants to be a snarky little boss and fill the MC in on all the juicy gossip that Lady Grandmother won't give her.

• Lady Grandmother: Alfred Holloway is the viscount of Lochdale. His daughter, Felicity, will be coming from her estate at Bellington Hall to make her debut this season.

Miss Parsons: Alfred Holloway is an arrogant prig who looks like an Easter ham studded with cloves.

(For the record, this is what a clove-studded Easter ham seems to look like:

Holy shit Annabelle you savage af)

Lady Grandmother: Miss Holloway's family is also tied by marriage to the Earl of Barrymore...

Miss Parsons: Oh, avoid the Earl of Barrymore. His bed has more traffic than Drury Lane!

Annabelle here must be referring to the crowd that tends to flock around the Theatre Royal, Drury Lane, which was popular as a source of entertainment for its plays and had a seating capacity of 3000 people.

• The free scene with Annabelle is important because it eases us gently into the main themes of her scene later on. The women get to speak about the whole concept of a "marriage market", and straight off the bat Annabelle lets us know how uncomfortable she is with having to go through a wedding to another man.

• She also speaks about what else - besides the fact that Harry was her closest friend - about his death affected her. Having been promised to Harry, Annabelle didn't have to go through the rigamarole of finding a husband. She had learned to settle with the idea of being married to someone who she knew and liked at least, if not loved. It's sad to us modern readers now that Annabelle would have to settle for less than passion or love, but back then I don't think she could have imagined a better deal. And now...and now she will have to settle for even less than what she had with Harry. This was a pretty neat way of easing us into the larger conversation she has with us in her diamond scene.

• A few days pass, and Briar is now helping us get ready for the trip to London. You have the option of encouraging her romance with Mr Woods, which...cmon. They cute 😊

•

Ooh so our House Colours are navy blue and gold! (considering that the Earl's default outfit itself is navy blue, I should have figured that would be a house colour). It's nice but MY NECK WHERE IS MY NECK.

Did You Know: that up until the middle of the 19th century, men's and women's riding habits were largely made by men in a distinctively masculine style. This is what Candice Hern's article "Regency Habits, Overview" on her website Regency World, says:

"Though the style and cut of riding habits changed with time and fashion, they continued to be tailored in a masculine style throughout the 17th and 18th centuries and into the early 19th century. In La Belle Assemblée in 1815, we read that: “Habits have, ever since they were first brought into fashion, been considered as decidedly calculated to give even the most delicate female a masculine appearance, and the wits of our grandmothers’ days were unmercifully severe on the waistcoat, cravat, and man’s hat which were then the indispensible appendages to a habit.”"

•

YOU'RE NOT COMING WTF DAD NO.

• WHO KNOWS WHAT THEY'LL DO TO YOU WHILE I'M GONE.

• I'm having a sinking feeling about leaving my old dad around in this house while Henrietta is still there, Grandma had better be his bodyguard (or maybe not. Cordonians seem to have weird ideas of what constitutes a successful bodyguard *COUGHCOUGH Mara and Bastien COUGHCOUGH*).

• Like most of the fandom I have a feeling the Earl will die sooner than we think. @i-dream-so-i-write once mentioned that it could well be towards the end of the book, and I think that's a fitting dramatic turn this book would take into the next. I'm going to miss the hell outta this guy though 😟

• Henrietta sent Mr Marlcaster and Miss Sutton ahead of time so they can screw things up for us, so we will need to butter them up like no tomorrow when we reach there, apparently.

• Hello Luke! It's been exactly one chapter!

• Kinda like the bonding the MC and Luke have with regards to the horse. Their first real conversation began with Clover, so it is fitting that their bonding continues over her at least for their initial interactions.

• Aww man, Henrietta wants Clover the horse to be sold and they give you a diamond option to keep her, name her and get extra scenes with her. Florence calls her Moonstone, Marianne calls her Pepper. Moonstone suits Florence's particular sense of whimsy, and I figured Marianne would want something short and snappy and it helped that Luke gave the horse some salt before the diamond option came up 😂

It's a fairly nice scene I guess, but it drives me batty because this book is already taking astronomical sums of money early on in the book, and people are already beginning to get frustrated. Even TRR, which is a pretty expensive book, took more than half the book before they pushed forward the option to buy the Derby horse. It just is beginning to feel like too much too soon at this point.

• Of all the free scenes this chapter, my favourite has to be the exchange among the four in the picnic en route London.

I found this particularly interesting because all of these people, so far, have been outside the rigors of the Season in some way or other. Briar is the most outside of this system of doing things: she has grown up completely out of it and will probably always struggle to understand the way things work within the gentry. Luke has spent years in that environment (that of the gentry) so he knows some of it, but he still is and will always be an outsider. Annabelle has grown up in this environment and is perhaps the closest to it, but has never had to take active part due to her association with Harry and the Edgewater Estate. And the MC straddles both these worlds. She is an heiress, part of this high society, but she was born in and more familiar with Briar's worldview. And I love how this scene captures all this in just a few bits of dialogue.

• Also Luke's sensible response to Annabelle's question and Briar being a teasing little imp is super cute, I will fight anyone who disagrees with me on this 😂😂😂

• So many gems nestled in Annabelle's scene guys I can't even. There's so much going on in this one. So much.

•

The main thing this scene does is to - without a doubt - establish Annabelle as a closeted lesbian. She's still at the stage where she's aware and finds it odd that she doesn't hold any affection for any man, that the idea itself of marriage frustrates her, and her growing confusion that she's now feeling for a woman all that she "should" be feeling for a man. There are points where she almost welcomes it, like the scene I mentioned earlier, but she still is clearly struggling.

The MC has three ways of responding to this - one where she misses the point completely and says "you haven't found the right man yet" (Marianne, unfortunately), another where she states that she "understands" (which is left open - either it is a gesture of support from an ally, or it is from someone who understands her dilemma to...well...some extent. Florence is the second. She is bi, so her "I understand" was basically "I've fallen for some men sure but I also have a hard time figuring out what my sexuality is"). My favourite is the response where the MC speaks of facing a similar dilemma in her life and is an excellent choice if your MC is also a lesbian. I couldn't use this one for Florence or Marianne because it didn't ring true for either of them, but I did see the screenshots on tumblr and it's quite poignant.

Did You Know: Lesbian/sapphic relationships and sex were not as much seen as illegal as invisible...and this was an attitude that a later monarch, Queen Victoria, would uphold as well, refusing to sign a legislation to criminalize it by insisting that "women do not do such things". Obviously as we all know, she couldn't be any more wrong. Today we know of famous lesbian women of the Regency as Anne Lister, owner of Shibden Hall, and the Ladies of Llangollen - two women from Ireland named Eleanor Butler and Sarah Ponsonby, who had a romantic relationship for over 50 years. Gail Eastwood, in an article titled "Queer in the Regency: a Slice of Once-Hidden LGBT History" says:

Defying their families, the two established an estate in Wales, called Plas Newydd, rather than enter into marriages with men they did not love. Though they incurred significant debt in order to have a staff, they survived on the generosity of friends until a fascinated Queen Charlotte convinced King George III to grant them a pension.

Plas Newydd became something of a haven for writers during the Regency era, especially since the couple living there could afford to keep it. 

Part of me wonders if elements of this story may be found in the Annabelle x MC route. Or like Anne Lister, who was well-endowed enough financially that she could refrain from marriage and have relationships with women. Maybe, or - given the limitations of having to chart out a storyline that will suit every LI - maybe not. Whatever it is, I'd be very interested in finding out how they'll handle the MC's romance with Annabelle.

• The second most interesting thing is Annabelle speaking about her poetry, and the restrictions her father has kept on her talent. She mentions him looking down on women's poetry as being "all bad rhymes and flowery sentiment", and that - in keeping with the times - he prefers Romantic Age poets such as Wordsworth, and that famous influence on Romanticism, Shakespeare. If we choose to ask her about showing us her poetry, she tells us her writing is "of a...delicate nature" (get it, girl! 😀) and if we choose to encourage her instead, the MC makes references to Mary Wollstonecraft, whose ideas of gender equality were considered radical for the times, and who is seen as one of the earliest feminist icons.

Did You Know: that in a time when female education was mainly geared to prepare women for their domestic roles, Mary Wollstonecraft advocated for women to receive an education that would help them survive beyond the home and the marriage market, stating that the one real barrier in the way of gender equality was the disparity in the education women received compared to men. She says, "this homage to women’s attractions has distorted their understanding to such an extent that almost all the civilized women of the present century are anxious only to inspire love, when they ought to have the nobler aim of getting respect for their abilities and virtues".

Her daughter, Mary Shelley, would write the famous novel Frankenstein in 1818, two years following the events of Desire and Decorum.

• Within this scene also lies a little tidbit that will hold some importance in Chapter 7: the MC tells Annabelle that her mother used to sing in the opera:

So this could be the root of some of the snarky remarks Henrietta makes about the MC's mother. She has close pretty darn close to calling her a "prostitute" on more than one occasion, and her comment after the MC sang along with Annabelle in chapter 3 about how it was "no wonder" that the MC could sing, given her mother's profession.

Did You Know: Opera singers had a very different reputation in the Regency era, not all of it very positive. Shana Galen, who is described as a Regency adventure author, speaks about how opera singers were viewed at the time: Of course, it was perfectly acceptable for a young lady to show her talents on the pianoforte or to sing in front of a small group of family and friends, but performing on the stage at Drury Lane or Covent Garden were frowned upon.

Female performers, especially, were shunned by society. One example of this sort of attitude was seen in the ridicule faced by a singer named Dorothea Jordan, who had an long-running affair with a Duke, bore him ten children, and who was the subject of a "satirical cartoon that showed her in her bedroom, gazing adoringly at a duchess’ coronet, which she hopes someday to wear by marrying her lover. A map on the wall purports to show the route from “Strolling Lane” (i.e. prostitution) through “Old Drury Common” all the way to “Derbyshire Peak.” A genealogical chart of the nobility lies on her dressing table, and her bed-hangings are crowned by a Phrygian cap, symbol of the French Revolution. The latter is intended to ridicule her pretensions to nobility; as a common woman, let alone an actress, she should know her place" ("Glimpse at Opera during Jane Austen's Lifetime" by Maggi Andersen, for the blog Historical Hearts).

• Luke's scene on the other hand is lighter in content but is important if you look at it from the viewpoint of establishing his role in the MC's life before they reach London. As a neutral friend, he is happy to serve her and considers her a vast improvement over Countess Henrietta. He tells her that she possesses what Henrietta lacks, understands something that Henrietta would never understand in several lifetimes: that looking down on people she believes as her 'inferiors' will leave her at a disadvantage eventually.

But if you hint at having feelings for Luke, the entire mood of the scene changes, and you see him feeling torn between his growing affections for her and his recognition that any relationship beyond the professional will end badly for them all.

• The thing with both Luke and Annabelle is that to not fall for them is to maintain the status quo. So even if there is an element of attraction, the MC not reciprocating does not tip the delicate balance that governs their lives at Edgewater over. But when she does...it gives rise both to moments of joy...and moments of fear.

• Ooh I love the animation for the train!!

I mean...just...look at this!

• The MC and Briar get to react in awe to their first sight of London before they get down from the carriage. We find out that we're pretty much stranded on the streets of London and no one has come to pick us up. Gee thanks, stepbro.

• Not gonna lie, but seeing Prince Hamid's shocked!face on his full-body shot made me giggle a little.

• He introduces himself as Imperial Prince Hamid, cousin to "his Imperial Majesty Mahmoud the Second, Caliph of Islam, Sultan of the Ottoman Empire, and Custodian of the Two Mosques (the last especially was used in royal titles for many Islamic rulers, and refers to the Al-Haram Mosque (al-Masjid al-Ḥarām) of Mecca, and the Prophet's Mosque (Al-Masjid An-Nabawī) of Medina).

• In a sense he kinda reminds me of Kamilah: he is a fictional character positioned as being related to an actual historical figure, so they will give us plenty of background about the countries they were from (Egypt and Turkey [Istanbul in this case], respectively) but keep the actual historical figure at a distance. Making the fictional character a cousin and a person of an important position in that court is a smart choice to make: they're important enough to represent the royals of the times but distanced enough that it doesn't seem unnatural if they aren't that close and ergo can't tell you personal details about said historical figure.

• Did You Know: Sultan Mahmud II (the cousin Hamid mentions) was seen as quite a progressive ruler of his times. 1829 onwards, he tried to bring many, many reforms into the Ottoman empire, including (according to the Encyclopedia Britannica article on him) "adopting the cabinet system of government, provided for a census and a land survey, and inaugurated a postal service (1834), introducing compulsory primary education, opening a medical school, and sending students to Europe. In addition, the sultan’s right to confiscate the property of deceased officials was abolished, and European dress was introduced". It looks like some elements of this way of thought could be reflected in Hamid, from his talk of diplomacy in his diamond scene.

• Hamid not only positions himself as a bit of an outsider to England but also as a man who travels: talk of travelling and seeing the world is his ice-breaker when they get into the carriage. This will allow him not only to help familiarize the MC with London, and his home Constantinople, but also give her (and us) a view of what the world looks like at this point. For instance, if the MC speaks of even London is unfamiliar territory to her, he mentions the Blue Mosque, the construction of which was completed exactly 200 years prior to the events of the story.

• The other very essential point of this scene is to provide a bit of a parallel to Luke, but also as a counterpoint. Luke is disadvantaged both by his class and his race - ergo he has a very layered perspective. Hamid has privileges, but he is also aware of and in some ways used to the reception he gets in England, and has figured out how he wants to respond. Both Luke and Hamid find their ways to cope with their situation, and the MC is allowed - according to the ethnicity chosen for her - to relate to both.

Florence, for instance, relates heavily to this as someone is visibly a foreigner even though England is the only home she has ever known. Marianne does not fully understand this, but she can tell him like any decent human being would that she thinks it's wrong of people to treat him that way.

• Just prior to this the two manage to see the Tower of London, notorious for the imprisonment and execution of many, many people including royals and nobles. There is a short but rather poignant conversation on the "many people tortured and murdered over who had the right to sit on the throne" (among the people executed, you will find names like Anne Boleyn, Thomas More, Lady Jane Grey, Guy Fawkes and Walter Raliegh).

• Did You Know: For a long long time in England, executions were seen as a bit of a spectator sport. The more unusual the criminal, the bigger the crowd. The Capital Punishment UK blog speaks of the kind of atmosphere usually present around the time:

In many counties, executions were held on market days to enable the largest number of people to see them and school parties would be made to attend as a moral lesson, something which is certainly recorded as happening at Lancaster Castle.  Public houses and gin shops always did a very brisk trade on a hanging day.  

However, attitudes towards executions experienced a shift around the late 18th-early 19th century, and by 1864 Parliament established a Royal Commission on Capital Punishment, with a declaration that executions would take place inside the prisons rather than in public.

I'm not sure if this was intentional, but possibly the MC's and Hamid's reactions to the tower may be reflective of their times.

• Interestingly, Annabelle is shown to look jealous if you've been romancing her, and giving you a sly grin if you're just friends. I quite liked that little touch. Luke meanwhile is a little less open about how he feels at this point: whether you're romancing him or not, he is described as "watching you carefully" during your exchange with Hamid.

• So Mr Marlcaster got the letter from the Duchess to send a groom for picking the MC, but didn't...as per his mother's demands, surely. But AT LEAST you should have been a little prepared to answer me in case I dropped by anyway, dude? Instead of just standing there and staring at me like a scandalized goldfish.

• Looks like Edmund is still going to try screwing things up for us, and we'll need to find a way to get him on our side. After all, we get relationship points with both him and Theresa Sutton, and Lady Grandmother did tell us we could find a way to get them to be with us rather than against us.

• I'm looking forward to Chapter 5...but it's Chapter 6 I REALLY want to see. We're going to learn a bit more about the MC's mother's background!

General Thoughts:

• OMG so much was there to unpack this chapter!! A lot of it to do with Annabelle and Hamid, and Luke has taken a bit of a backseat this chapter but I'm hoping that's a taster of what's to come in his case.

• Look I love this story but IT COSTS SO MUCH. WTF. Keeping Clover was a nice option but it really added nothing to this chapter and could have easily been shifted elsewhere. I want this book to do well. I'm happy with how they're writing it, the effort they're putting into their research and into their characters so far...and I would hate for it to not be appreciated because they made it so hard for people to get into the book by making it this expensive so early.

• Florence is going for Annabelle and Luke (leaning more towards Annabelle at this point), and Marianne for Hamid and Sinclaire (I'm not sure yet but Hamid is a very very strong contender!!). Who would have thought I'd have my first polyam MCs in a book on Regency Era England!! Who woulda thunk!

• Annabelle particularly intrigues me at this point. She is clearly established as both inside and outside of this system, and vocally critical of it at least to the MC. She writes about her desires against the chargin of her father, and states that she doesn't want to merely settle into a 'safe' relationship like her mother, not unless she can know and trust that person (which is mostly why she agreed to the match with Harry even if she didn't love him). She is confused, and open and honest about her confusion. I really think the foundation of this character is immensely strong, but they really need to keep working on her and not just drop their efforts on her halfway. And I've seen that happen enough times with female LIs to be afraid.

• At this point, we now have three male LIs (one Master of Horse who is African-American, one family-approved eligible bachelor and one prince of the Ottoman Empire) and one female love interest. Is there space for one more confirmed female LI? I sure hope so but at the same time I don't want keep my hopes up.

However...IF the plan is to keep just one female LI, then they'd better do a pretty darn phenomenal job of her. If you're not going to give wlw players other options it's only fair to make sure the only option is given really, really good writing - consistently. They're doing a good job so far...but there's a long long way to go before I can fully trust PB to do justice to her.

• That's it for now! On to Chapter 6!

• Tagged: @boneandfur @liamraines @thespiritpanda @alanakusumastan @ernestsinclairs @private-investigator-nazario @bcdollplace @thedepthsremember @mcbangle @queenodysseia @novaelaras

If you'd like to be tagged on these QTs, do let me know! 😀

[enteringintocreation]

15 years gone

This week my cousin posted on Facebook about the anniversary of her mother's death. It bothered me for a few reasons. I don't post my grief in a public forum. It feels performative, and any catharsis or sense of doing good by acknowledging my mother and remembering her is lost in the performative aspect of the act. I have always resented the fact, however unfairly, that their mother's death is 6 days before my mothers also untimely death. I resent it because my dad's mother and siblings are much more open in acknowledging the grief of that death than they are in the death of my mother who was apparently just an in-law to them. She brought 8 children into the world who all have the blonde hair of those in-laws but it’s not enough to warrant a mention. I don't post on Facebook because death by drowning, maybe, if that's what it was, doesn't make a great uplifting post. It doesn't work alongside a post about a young woman who died of a rejected heart transplant, whose great husband has fathered her children well and never remarried. A possible death by drowning, along with an extremely severe asthma attack that could be either causation or correlation, but how would I ever know, doesn't show nicely alongside the scholarship fund my aunts family offers for a social work student of her alma mater. The only thing worse than a dead mother is a dead mother with a high school education that got pregnant at 16 whose in-laws possibly viewed her (and subsequently her children) as white trash. They have never said as much, but it's said in the way that my grandmother presented my cousins, her daughters children, with photo albums of their mother two christmases ago. It's said in the way no one ever mentions my mother, or anything related to her death, or really anything related to her life. Her less than satisfying life of raising 8 kids, burying 2, being a "homemaker" that's never quite good enough to her unhappy husband, watching her parents grow sick and die, watching her dreams for her life recede into darkness, then drowning in the backyard in the pool her appearance driven husband wanted but couldn’t afford. The only thing worse than a dead mother is a death you can't explain, a death that makes people fidget and look down and turn red and shift in their seat and turn itchy when they ask how it happened and you answer. My aunt's death from a rejected heart transplant is a heartwarming UNOS video montage with a soothing background track. My mother's death is a southern gothic novel. I've read before that grief is cyclical. There are times where it's supposed to be easier. And there are, sort of. There are times where I can say, "but look at all she gave me." Look at her rose bushes that still bloom in what is now, I suppose, my stepmothers yard. Look at the land that her father farmed for a lifetime. Look at my grandfathers Purple Heart that he earned for being in a blown up tank (along with severe PTSD but hey support our troops and god bless america), look at the way she taught me to knit, look at the way she showed me how to clip fresh rosemary to put in our spaghetti, look at the lesson she shared with me about avoiding date rape at the age of 14 by telling me I had no business with a boy alone at age 14. Look at it. If anyone else's performative grief have taught me anything, it's that we have the incredible capacity as humans to find joy in grief, to look through our tears, to look at the "legacy" we've been given, to somehow move on and be better for it. To find meaning. I guess what the meaning is doesn’t really matter to anyone but you.