#10/10 song i would put myself under therapy just to forget this song (just to fall in love with it again)

[galaxxies18]

「届きはしない思い」 「声にならめ声で」

「T R E A S U R E Y O U」

Please don't repost anywhere else!

Invidivual versions below the cut 👇

[jbbarnesnnoble]

JBBarnesNNoble's 2nd Annual Mental Health Awareness Month Challenge 2021

Hello lovely people! And welcome to the 2nd Annual Mental Health Awareness Month Writing Challenge. The aim of this challenge is to shine a light on mental health, medical conditions, and the things that can have impacts on us. This started out initially being a PCOS Awareness challenge last year but through conversations with other writers over Discord, it evolved into a Mental Health Awareness Month Writing Challenge last year. I’m reusing some of the unused prompts from last year’s challenge and adding in some new ones!

May is Mental Health Awareness Month. The goal of this challenge is to lift each other up, and show that it’s okay not to be okay. Spread some love and light during a challenging time in the world to those who struggle with chronic illness, depression, anxiety, self-esteem issues, grief, PCOS, acceptance from their families and communities for being LGBT+, and anyone struggling with insecurity.

This challenge will run through July 31st, 2021. It will run through Mental Health Awareness Month, Pride Month, and the month of July to give people time to write. You can submit it at any time. I probably have too many prompts, but I wanted to ensure that there was a wide array to choose from. Please don’t hesitate to message me if I haven’t interacted with your fic after a few days! Sometimes the tag system doesn’t work and I miss things!

The Rules:

1. Utilize resources available online if you’re dealing with subject matter you’re not that familiar with. I’m not going to go all “cite sources” on y’all, but please do make sure to do your research. Writing about some of these issues can be hard if you don’t have first hand knowledge of how it can affect you. The goal of this challenge is to write about topics that we tend to shy away from, that many of us struggle with, from mental health struggles to chronic illnesses to low-self esteem. A gentle reminder that if you think writing about a subject will be triggering for you, please look after yourself first.

2. Use #JBBNNMHAM21 to tag your fic

3. Dark!Fic- Due to the subject matter involved in this challenge, please don’t submit dark!fic. I enjoy dark fics, but this challenge isn’t the place for them.

4. Smut- Smut is welcome! Make sure you tag it appropriately.

5. No inc*st, dubcon/noncon, underage, etc

6. Ships- I prefer reader inserts, but show me what ya got.

7. NO JOHN WALKER FICS. Please. Please no. I beg of you.

8. Selecting Prompts: Just let me know which one you want to do! 2 people per prompt! The song prompts have a line from them under it. You DO NOT need to use the line in your submission! It’s mostly to help you decide if you’re interested in a song before you take a listen to it.

You also can alter the sentence and dialogue prompts as needed for grammar, be it altering the pronouns used or changing the pluralization of a word.

9. Trigger Warnings: Use warnings as needed. Fics dealing with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, or other mental health issues should be tagged appropriately to ensure that readers that may be triggered by the subject matter can avoid the fic. Trigger warnings are non-negotiable

The prompts are under the cut!

Prompts:

Dialogue Prompts:

“I feel like if I let go, if I move on, I’ll only be proving them right.”

“I don’t know. Am I? Because from where I’m standing it’s pretty damn clear that’s how you see me.”

“You don’t believe that do you? Tell me you don’t. Please.”

“It’d probably be easier if you left”

“Please leave me alone”

“Everyone’s got broken pieces. Some have more, some have less. It doesn’t make you less of a person to have those broken pieces.” @nekoannie-chan

“If it’s okay with you, I’ll take that shake now.”

“What’s the point if I’m going to end up breaking that promise too?”

“You sure about that, moonman?”

“It made you smile though. And that will always be a win in my book.”

“That’s not true. And I will tell you that every day of your life until you believe me.”

Sentence Prompts:

Feel free to adjust the pronouns as needed

It was a day. It was the only way it could be described.

Summer had a smell that reminded her of innocence and a time long since past.

In that moment, the world stopped spinning on its axis as it all shattered down around her.

Some things, there would never be a way to understand. @justrunamok

Like shattered glass, in that moment the illusion was broken.

Forever was a lie, just like everything else.

If you had another condescending doctor tell you your problem wasn’t a problem you were going to scream.

They’d say it was easy, like riding a bike. Except, you never learned how to ride a bike in the first place.

Today was going to be good. It had to be.

It didn’t take a genius to figure out that this was going south.

AU and Trope Prompts:

Soulmate @samsgoddess

College

Childhood Friends @tellmealovestory

Friends to Lovers

Enemies to Lovers

Musicians

Writer

Professional Athlete

Teacher

Coffee Shop

Fake Dating

Accidental Marriage

Royal

Librarian

Doctor

Song Prompts:

1. Nobody Ever Told You - Carrie Underwood

Lyric Snippet: “Wish you could see yourself the way I do. Nobody ever told you, nobody ever told you. Shine like a diamond, glitter like gold, and you need to know what nobody ever told you”

2. Missing You - All Time Low

Lyric Snippet: “And if you need a friend, I’ll help you stitch up your wounds. I heard that you’ve been, having some trouble finding your place in the world. I know how much that hurts. But if you need a friend, then please just say the word.”

3. Barefoot and Bruised - Jamestown Story

Lyric Snippet: “Maybe when your sky comes crashing down, I can be your angel on the ground. If you get tired and can’t go on, I will carry you along, when the rocks below your feet wear out your shoes, when you’re barefoot and bruised”

4. Hold On Till May- Pierce the Veil

Lyric Snippet: “If were you, I’d put that away. See you’re just wasted and thinking about the past again. Darling, you’ll be okay.”

5. If I Surrender - Citizen Soldier

Lyric Snippet: “If I surrender, surrender, to the monsters in me, will it set me free?”

6. Home - Machine Gun Kelly, X Ambassadors, Beba Rexha

Lyric Snippet: “All these miles, feet, inches, they can’t add up to the distance that I have been through just to get to a place where even if there’s no closure I’m still safe. I still ache from trying to keep pace. Somebody give me a sign, I’m starting to lose faith”

7. Broken Arrows - Daughtry

Lyric Snippet: “The best of intentions I lay at your feet. And I need you to see past the worst part of me.”

8. Used - Serious Matters

Lyric Snippet: “The wounds are gone and the pain still lingers. But this time I won’t stand by, I don’t need you in my life”

9. According to You - Orianthi

Lyric Snippet: “According to you, I’m stupid, I’m useless, I can’t do anything right”

10. Let It Land - Tonight Alive

Lyric Snippet: “And everything we hate is something we just bought along the line”

11. Cold As You - Taylor Swift

Lyric Snippet: “You put up walls and paint them all a shade of grey. And I stood there loving you and wished them all away. And you come away with a great little story, of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you”

12. Tied Together with a Smile - Taylor Swift

Lyric Snippet: “Hold on, baby you’re losing it. The water’s high, you’re jumping into it, and letting go, and no one knows. That you cry but you don’t tell anyone that you might not be the golden one. And you’re tied together with a smile, but you’re coming undone.”

13. Human Interaction - Tonight Alive

Lyric Snippet: “I don’t know love. I don’t know hate. I am numb. Wish I could find the words to say. Asking please, as colors fade. I need to breathe. Before I turn the world to grey.”

14. Therapy - All Time Low

Lyric Snippet: “Give me therapy, I’m a walking travesty, but I’m smiling at everything. Therapy you were never a friend to me, and you can keep all your misery”

15. Scars - Alison Iraheta

Lyric Snippet: “Do you know how hard I’ve tried to become what you want me to be. Take me, this is all that I’ve got, this is all that I’m not, all that I’ll ever be. I got flaws, I got faults, keep searching for your perfect heart. It doesn’t matter who you are, we’ve all got our scars”

16. Hurts to Know - 1551

Lyric Snippet: “I can’t remember what I did to earn you by my side. I can’t surrender. I’ll fight as long as you’re in my life”

17. Spinning Bottles - Carrie Underwood

Lyric Snippet: “He’s in a hotel room, with the tv on. Getting lost in the static with the curtains drawn, knowing this could be the time that gets her gone for good, he’d quit if he could. But one down, two down, three down, four, can’t even recognize the man in the mirror anymore”

18. Praying - Kesha

Lyric Snippet: “Well you were wrong and now the best is yet to come. ‘Cause I can make it on my own. And I don’t need you, I found a strength I’ve never known.”

19. Jersey On the Wall (I’m Just Asking) - Tenille Townes

Lyric Snippet: “If I ever get to heaven, you know I got a long list of questions. Like how do you make a snowflake, are you angry when the earth quakes? How does the sky change in a minutes, how do you keep this big rock spinning? Why can’t you stop a car from crashing? Forgive me, I’m just asking”

20. Five More Minutes - Scotty McCreery

Lyric Snippet: “Time rolls by, the clock don’t stop. I wish I had a few more drops of the good stuff, the good times. Oh, but they just keep on flying right on by like it ain’t nothing, wish I had me a, a pause button. Moments like those, Lord knows I’d hit it. Give myself five more minutes”

21. Dad’s Old Number - Cole Swindell

Lyric Snippet: “Sometimes I forget, these ten digits ain’t my lifeline anymore. Every now and then I dial them up when life gets tough or when the Braves score. Sorry about the one ring hang ups, early morning and late night wake ups. It was just me. In case you wondered, you’ve got dad’s old number.”

22. The Other Side - Lauren Alaina

Lyric Snippet: “There’s gonna be a lot of sadness on a lot of happy days, I’ll try to think of this moment, this place”

23. I Was Here - Beyonce

Lyric Snippet: “So they won’t forget I was here. I lived. I loved. I was here. I did, I’ve done, everything that I wanted and it was more than I thought it would be. I will leave my mark so everyone will know I was here.”

24. Gone Too Soon - Simple Plan

Lyric Snippet: “Like a shooting star, flying across the room. So fast, so far, you were gone too soon. You’re a part of me. And I’ll never be the same here without you. You were gone too soon.”

25. Amelia - Tonight Alive

Lyric Snippet: “And you will always be perfect, you’ll always be beautiful, our hearts, will never forget you. You didn’t belong here, and it’s become so clear why heaven called your name.”

26. Heaven Right Now - Thomas Rhett

Lyric Snippet: “When the whole crew gets together, memory lane goes on forever. We twist a top and pour a little Jack D out.”

[mettalbunnyg]

I started Journaling about how important songs and music are to me. This one really hits me hard and I love it so much. Love Hollow Front! I listen to this song daily and is on repeat quite a bit. It's important to my journey on confronting my childhood trauma.

P.A.N.I.C. by Hollow Front

I start to sense the panic

Coursing through my veins

A sickness so bleak and tragic

I feel its symptoms now

Just like a noose around my neck

I felt shame, guilt and disgust and just a downright filthy person. This is from experiencing sexual abuse at the young age of 6. Every day I think about it, why can’t I move on? Why can’t I have one day that I feel decent about myself. My anxiety keeps me distant and I am still forcing myself to feel alone even when others give me love. This makes me feel like I am doomed for life never escaping this deep pit of disgust that I fill my mind with.

And I've spent my whole life

Trying to prove to myself

That I was good enough

When in fact if I'd just opened my eyes

I'd have been sure to find

What it takes to get better

It took me 28 years to seek professional help for sexual trauma that occurred when I was around the age of six. A type of trauma like that would definitely break you at that young age leading me to feel helpless and like I didn’t deserve shit. Although, each day I kept on and contemplated suicide when I was 12. I had opportunities to ask for help but what stopped me was the fear that had grown inside of me. The fear that my abusers had imbedded in me through intimidation of ending my life if I had told anybody about what they had done to me. At six, that’s scary and you don’t know what to think so I did what most do, I kept quiet to suffer alone with a secret that would eat me alive for many years.

I've lived my life

Under the shadow of doubt

I've lived my life

Beneath these darkened clouds

I've lived my whole life

Just trying to find a way to get by

Instead of fighting to make myself happy

I walked through my life with my head down afraid to look up or get too involved in anything. Many years are blurs, guess it could have been the drugs and alcohol that helped me forget them. At this point I felt that nobody could help me. I walked with this secret that hung over me like a dark cloud that consumed me entirely. I wouldn’t spill this secret to a single soul until around the age of 16. (This is an estimate) 10 years is a long time to harbor this darkness with nobody to help me console what has happened or how to face it. I would shove it deep down inside of me and had become numb to the feeling with drugs and alcohol. I was just trying to get by and I felt too far gone to be helped and like most kids my age on the Reservation, I dropped out of high school. I turned 18 and had access to my Indian Money and wasted it on drugs, alcohol, meaningless items and even people that only hung out with me because I had money.

I'm cursed by this life I've lead

Could you fix me?

Because inside I think I'm dead

As someone that has finally taken the time to heal from that trauma, memories of my younger days still plague me. The memories from the years I wasted on drugging and drinking are permanent roommates in my mind. I now look to my counselor to help me, I know that you can never be fully “fixed”. What they don’t tell you when you embark on your healing journey is all the work is up to you and its hard work. You are responsible for your own healing. At first I felt so dead inside like it was pointless, here I am taking my healing into my own hands and it hurts. Therapy has a way of opening old wounds and it drags up some deep feelings that had been numb for years. But therapy has provided me tools to face and heal those wounds in a proper manner that I didn’t have as a young kid. Like I said before I numbed my feelings of guilt, shame and disgust with drugs and alcohol. So at a point I felt dead inside and a part of me still feels that way. I became accustomed to this feeling and almost like I don’t want to let that part of me go. (An identity crisis so to speak, who am I without that part of me?)

Anxiety creeps up my spine

And I lose all breath

As it smothers me

The world around me starts to fade to black

And I feel nothing again

I'm cold just like ice

Forgive me for thinking

That I would be just fine

This has come out in me in spurts of panic attacks here and there more prevalent lately than my early life. Just when I thought I could open up and be warming I find myself building walls to keep people distant from me. Once upon a time I felt like I was improving but healing is an ongoing process. Just when I thought I was past it all, I feel hopeless again as the compulsive thoughts of my past play like mini movie clips in my mind. When I am not busy my mind has time to provide playback, it’s haunting and is mentally draining.

'Cause I don't think my heart can take much more

Watching someone else I love, walk right out the door

And I feel that time's wasting away

Stuck with one foot in my grave

And I am so afraid

I am so afraid

Don’t leave me, I am sorry. I am sorry I am so fucked up. You will never know what I put myself through mentally every day. You will never understand where I come from. I will show you that I can be better, I just don’t want to be alone again.

I've lived my life

Under the shadow of doubt

I've lived my life

Beneath these darkened clouds

I've lived my whole life

Just trying to find a way to get by

Instead of fighting to make myself happy

And one day I'll tell my sons

To follow their dreams

No matter the chaos it brings

Life is too damn short

To wallow in our self-inflicted misery

And someday I'll prove to my sons

That I'm truly sorry for everything

Because I tried my best to love them

While also doing what's best for...

What's best for me

I want to live my life

Without regret

My final decision to seek professional help and heal was it started to coming up at parties, my defenses are down making me prone to be more open about myself. I was tired of being that one that brings the party down with my mental illnesses and my trauma. “Ooops, my trauma fell out.” Also, I wanted to show my nine year old daughter that it’s okay to ask for help. She shouldn’t have to feel the effects of my trauma, as it has it come with some irrational fears that I carry over onto her. I am working to reduce these but is a slow and steady process but I only hope she never feels what I felt or have gone through.

It's time to leave the regret, shame, guilt and all those dirty feelings behind. Why I am carrying this guilt around still? I didn’t do this to me, it should be on my abusers to walk with this guilt. But yet I struggle to let it go and live freely.

Sometimes I look in the mirror

Disgusted by my own reflection

That old familiar feeling

Creeps back up from the depths

To steal my breath again"

I fall into moments of self-hate and the feeling of disgust reinserts itself. I remember the guilt and the shame resurface. I think to myself “I thought I got rid of these feelings, why do I keep feeling this way?” The memories flood back and I feel a deep darkness starting to grow, aiming to take me over. Somedays I don’t want to get out of bed but I force myself to. I want to do better and not feel so disgusted of myself. It’s not my fault but all I do is punish myself.

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Tyler Tate

[axwalker]

Tears in Heaven 10: Endings

Synopsis: Alexis O’Brien is about to get married but memories of her old life are coming back to haunt her.

Pairings:  Drake x MC (TRR)

Warnings:  NO ONE UNDER 18 should read this story. This is an 18+ blog.

Mention of child death, mention of depression, grieving

N*FW content!

A/N:  There will be a small epilogue next week, but this is the official ENDING.

I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it.

Thank you so much to all the people that read it, shared it and commented it. Every single like, reblog or comment gave me life! ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

@mskaneko​ Thank you for all your amazing insights when you read and your incredibly inspiring edits and mood boards. You’re one of a kind!

@pedudley​ Thank you for pre-reading every chapter and being such a great, supportive friend. Your feedback meant a lot/

@burnsoslow​ The MVP of this whole thing!!  I was so stuck before your brilliant book idea!! Thank you for that and for the hours and hours (and hours) of editing!! Without you I would’ve never been able to write this fic. You’re an amazing friend and human being. THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR HELP.

I LOVE ALL OF YOU SO MUCH ❤️

To catch up: Masterlist

Disclaimer: All characters belong to Pixelberry. The edit at the end of this fic belongs to the talented @mskaneko​

Word count: 7 697 (!!!)

Songs inspiration: Tears in heaven by Eric Clapton

Tagging: @ao719​  @yukinagato2012​ @texaskitten30​ @kingliam2019​ @cordonia-gothqueen​ @bebepac​ @nomadics-stuff​ @cordonianroyalty​ @forthebrokenheartedthings​ @bascmve01​ @gibbles82​ @mom2000aggie​ @gardeningourmet​

Perma: @burnsoslow​ @mskaneko​ @mskaneko​ @pedudley​ @pug-bitch​ @ac27dj​ @twinkle-320​ @kimmiedoo5​  @marshmallowsandfire​  @loveellamae​ @debramcg1106​ @marshmallowsaremyfavorite​  @ravenpuff02​ @princessleac1​ @ritachacha​ @drake-colt-lover-99​

Liam woke up feeling restless. He rolled over in bed, trying to get a few minutes of sleep, but guessed it would be useless. Before taking a long hot shower, Liam called the kitchens so they’d bring him a large jug of strong coffee with his breakfast - he would need it to get through the day. Thirty minutes later, he was sitting on the balcony of his room at Valtoria, sipping his second cup of coffee of the morning and thinking about his fiancée. More than the conversation he had had with Alexis two days prior, it was the one he and his brother had shared the previous afternoon that he was obsessing over.

Since he had met her, he had been head over heels for Alexis. However, even if his love for her was undeniable, the real question was if they were right for each other. Reluctantly, Liam had to admit that he barely recognized himself in the jealous, controlling, manipulative man he had become. And as tempted as he was to blame Drake and his return for the demise of their relationship, deep down, he knew something else was profoundly wrong with them.

Leo was right: He didn’t trust Alexis. Liam wanted to, desperately, but he just couldn’t. The memory of the day he had found her almost dead on her bed still haunted him. Liam had never really gotten over it.

Alexis entered their room and saw Liam sitting with his paper and sipping coffee, lost in his thoughts. Earlier that morning, when she had left Drake’s cabin, she had done so convinced that the only right decision was to marry Liam. However, standing there and watching him, her own words resonated in her head. Liam deserved better. And he did; he deserved better than a life with a woman that would never be able to fully love him. Neither of them would ever be happy if they went ahead with their wedding.

Alexis was scared -- terrified -- of loving Drake again, of facing her grief, but hiding behind Liam couldn’t wouldn’t, be the solution anymore.

“Hi, Li,” she said, sitting on the chair next to him.

“Love.” Liam saw her sad expression and instinctively knew what she was about to tell him.

Alexis hugged herself and took a sharp breath, trying to gather some courage. Her eyes watered as she tried to get the words out. “I’m sorry, Liam.”

Liam’s hand gripped his cup of coffee. “You’re calling off the engagement.”

“I … I wasn’t planning to do it,” she sobbed. “But the more I think about it, the more I realize I’m not good for you, Liam.”

Despite his best efforts, a cold rage overpowered him. “Do not pretend that this has nothing to do with Drake, Alexis.”

“I’m not going to lie. Drake showing up again accelerated things. But our problems have nothing to do with him. Our marriage wouldn’t have lasted. We were asking too much from each other. I would never be happy being a duchess, and I know how badly you want to be a father, Liam. It was selfish of me to ask such a huge sacrifice of you.”

“I don’t care, Alexis. I would do anything for you,” Liam implored. “I know we have problems, but I’m sure that if we work together, we would be able to find a solution.”

She shook her head. “Are you happy with me, Li?”

He brushed his thumb over her cheek. “I love you very deeply, Alexis.”

“That’s not what I asked. You’re constantly worried about me. You don’t trust me. And we never share our problems because we don’t want to burden each other. We never talk about Tom.” She wiped away her tears with the back of her hand.

Liam’s eyes widened. “Did you just say his name?”

She nodded.

“One day with him, and you’re already saying Tom’s name again.” His glossy eyes looked at her. “It’s always been him,” he muttered. “All this time, you didn’t stop loving Drake, did you?” he asked her.

“Liam … please don’t go there,” she begged, more tears running down her face.

“Did you ever even love me?” His voice betrayed the cool façade he was trying to maintain. Incapable of staying put, he stood up in front of the balcony’s railing.

Alexis cut the distance between them and hugged him as tightly as she could. After a moment, she took his head between her hands. “I love you, Liam. And not only because you saved my life, but because you’re an amazing, loving, generous man; because of all the moments we shared together. You gave me a reason to wake up in the mornings. Thanks to you, I was able to smile, to live again. I’ll never forget that.”

“Right ... you’ve always loved me, but you never fell in love with me,” Liam replied bitterly.

At that moment, watching Liam breaking in front of her, Alexis hated herself. “I tried Li. And it has nothing to do with you; I just never really got over … everything.”

Liam wiped a tear from her face. Too heartbroken to talk, he simply took her in his arms and kissed her head.

Alexis took off the engagement ring and placed it in his palm. “I never deserved this. And maybe you don’t believe me right now, but I know you’ll meet someone who will.”

Every word she pronounced felt like he was being stabbed. Liam turned his gaze towards the gardens. “Please leave, Alexis. There is no point in prolonging this anymore.”

Alexis squeezed his hand and left him there. As she walked away, a strong feeling of contrition flitted through her body in response to the tightness in her chest. However, despite her guilt over hurting a good man, Alexis knew she had made the right decision.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Drake put his syringe and gloves in his bag, patted Thunder on his rump, and left the horse’s stall, rubbing his neck tiredly. After a long day doing the weekly check-ups on the horses of one of his biggest clients, he was shattered. However, working to exhaustion hadn’t worked as well as he had hoped; Alexis and her goddamn stubbornness hadn’t left his mind for a second.

When he finally got home, his heart skipped a beat when he saw Alexis sitting on the steps of his porch, waiting for him.

“Hi, Drake.”

His heart raced as it did every time he saw her. “Hi, Lexie.”

“Can we talk?” she asked, and he detected a slight edge in her voice.

“Of course, Lexie. Let’s go inside.”

Alexis shook her head no. “Actually, if you don’t mind, I’d preferred if we take a walk.”

“Why?” Drake questioned, puzzled.

Because if I enter the house, I won’t be able to leave it again.  “It’s better,” she stated simply.

“Okay.” Drake shoved his hands in his pockets. If she didn’t want to come into the house, that meant she was divorcing him and choosing Liam. He felt the pain of losing her all over again threaten his heart.

Drake and Alexis walked a while next to each other without a word. Inadvertently, they took the path to the lake where they used to fish and have picnics with Tom. Drake glanced over her; the look in her eyes was not sad as he had expected but determined. She was wearing the fierce expression that meant she had made a decision.

They sat in the old wooden pier next to each other. “What do you want to talk about, Lexie?”

Alexis bit her bottom lip. “I broke up with Liam.”

His eyes immediately darted to her left hand. Relieved to see that the ring was gone, Drake exhaled a lightened breath. “Lexie.” He was impatient to kiss her, to feel her again, but something about her demeanor stopped him. An awful thought snaked into his mind. “Do you want to sign the divorce papers anyway?”

Alexis placed her small hands on his large ones. “No. It’s the last thing I want.” She smiled at him.

Drake cupped her face, allowing his thumb to draw soft circles around her lips. “I don’t get it. Why are you so sad?”

“I need to ask you for something.” Drake nodded, still tenderly rubbing her face. “I’m sure that I don’t want a divorce. But I’m not ready to move back here yet.” She took a sharp breath. “I never really grieved Tom, you know? I mean, I did all the four first stages. I was furious at first and then hurt and broken at that clinic. But after my depression, I regressed. I realize now that I’ve been in denial for the past three years.”

Drake wiped her tears again and pulled her close to him.

“My therapist didn’t want me to leave the clinic. She said I wasn’t ready, but I wasn’t a danger to myself anymore, so she didn’t have any other choice but to sign my release. I need to do that now. Finish my therapy, be alone, and I’m sure you’re going to roll your eyes at this,” she joked, “but I need time to find myself. I don’t know who I am anymore, Drake. I don’t do any of the things I used to enjoy. And I feel this guilt that I can’t seem to shake. I feel guilty for the pain that I just caused Liam, but I especially feel guilty about us. About all the things I told you that day.”

“Lexie, please. You have to let that go. You weren’t yourself back then -- neither of us was,” Drake said tenderly.

“I still need to forgive myself.” She squeezed his hands. “Please don’t give up on me, Drake. I just need some time. A few months, maybe,” she pleaded with tears in her eyes.  

It hurt like hell, but he understood. Drake took her face between his hands. “Listen to me, baby, because this is very important. I love you. No matter what. No matter what I’ve done or you’ve done. No matter what will happen. I will always love you.” He interrupted himself to give her a soft kiss and rested his forehead against hers. “If I have to wait for you for the rest of my life, I will. I lost you once, but I swear I will never lose you again. Never.” She smiled through her tears. “This is what I wanted. That you chose whatever was best for you. And I think this is it. I’ll be here at the end, loving you. Okay?”

“Thank you, Drake.” She leaned in to kiss him, and he crashed his mouth with hers in a searing, hungry kiss. After a breathless moment, he forced himself to stop. It was clear that Alexis wasn’t ready for anything else. They shared a few more moments together, then Drake walked her back to her car.

She opened the door but stood next to it, torn between her longing to stay and her need to leave.

“I know you need to go through this alone, but promise me that if it’s too much, you’ll call me, Lexie. Day or night.” Drake said as he gently tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

“I promise.” Alexis kissed him again, trying to memorize how much she enjoyed his lips on hers, the way he had to kiss her with all his body. Drake held her as close as he could; if he had his way, he would never let her go.

But Alexis was too confused, too rattled by everything that had happened. She needed to claim her independence and regain control of her life before coming back to him. Watching her leave broke his heart, but he knew that she was worth the waiting.

With tears in her eyes, she got in her car and drove away, hoping that she wasn’t making a huge mistake.

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The first month was arduous. Coming back to therapy and having to deal with Tom’s death proved to be as challenging as Alexis had thought, but she persisted, determined to get better. She and Drake respected their arrangement and didn’t see each other, but whenever a session became too strenuous, or she was at risk of getting depressed, she called him, and they talked for hours over the phone. Drake told her about his experiences in prison and his life in Spain, and she finally spoke about the long months she had been committed to the clinic and her suicide attempt. Each phone call left them hopeful and terribly nostalgic, but Drake never pressured her.

After two months of intense therapy, Dr. Salas, her psychologist, encouraged her to do something for herself. Alexis immediately knew what she needed. For the next four months, she rented a cottage in Portavira and moved next to the beach. It was a small cottage, but it had a porch where she could sit, watch the ocean, and write every day. During that time, Alexis cried a lot, but she also began to take long walks along the beach, hike and swim in the ocean; the calm of the secluded beach and the soothing sound of the waves had a curative power on her. Alexis missed Drake desperately, more and more with every passing day, but she knew that she needed to finish what she had started before coming back to him.

The first days in Portavira, Alexis only managed to write a few lines, but soon an idea began to form in her mind. At first, she refused it; nothing would be more painful than writing that, but Dr. Salas had suggested that it could be cathartic to explore her grief through her words. One afternoon where Alexis was feeling unusually relaxed, she sat in front of her computer with a cold glass of Chardonnay and started typing. She cried her eyes out with every word, but in the end, she felt like a weight had been lifted from her chest. For the first time since her little boy had died, Alexis accepted that while the pain in her chest would never really disappear, she might be able to be happy again.  

The next morning, she called Charlie, her old boss, and sent her the manuscript.

Drake was quickly regaining his excellent reputation among the owners of Cordonian stables and racetracks. Thoughts about Lexie consumed him day and night, so he spent those six months working like crazy. In his spare time, he read, fished, or rode his horse, but he felt restless all the time. One night after talking to her, an idea crept into his mind. He already knew the perfect place, so he made an offer, and when he got it, he devoted all his free time to making it perfect.

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Liam rubbed his eyes tiredly; he had been up working for almost 20 hours straight, trying to figure out a way to bring new investors to Valtoria. He, Hana, and his team had developed a health plan that aimed to offer affordable healthcare to all the duchy’s citizens, but he needed private investors and the help of the Crown to be able to fund it.

At almost 10:00 p.m., Liam leaned against his chair. Hana dropped her pen on the desk and raked her hair with her hands. They both yawned at the same time, which made them chuckle.

“We’re too tired, Hana,” Liam said as he stood up to get a drink from the cart in his office. “Something to drink?”

“Gin, please,” Hana answered, grinning.

Liam couldn’t help but admire how pretty his assistant was. Hana was a special woman; she was smart and kind, and she cared about Valtoria almost as much as he did. He always had fun in her company.

Alexis had left him six months ago. The first two months had been hell; after being in love with her for so long, Liam had had trouble adjusting to the idea that she would never be with him. However, after some time, he realized that Alexis had made the right decision. They weren’t happy together; she had never stopped loving Drake, and he was in love with a woman who no longer existed. Besides, Liam had to admit that he felt lighter and freer without the burden of his constant concern for her. His love for Alexis wasn’t healthy or romantic; it was toxic and harmful for both of them.

Liam handed Hana her gin, smiling at her. “What would you think if I called that place where we had dinner with the French ambassador the other night? We can ask for a couple of Black Truffle Croque Monsieur and some eclairs au chocolat?” he asked playfully, his stomach groaning at the thought.

Hana’s face lit up. “That would be perfect, Liam.”

“You call the restaurant, Hana. I will go look for a bottle of Beaujolais from the cellar.” Liam left his office, grinning. He didn’t know why, but the prospect of spending an intimate moment with Hana made him happier than he had been in a long time.

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Alexis swam for almost an hour. The cold, tranquil ocean was the only place where she could calm her nerves that morning. After four months on the beach, she was going back to Cordonia that same afternoon, hopefully to stay. Charlie had arranged a public reading in a small bookstore in Cordonia to launch her book, and Alexis had invited Drake - the real reason behind her nervousness that morning. A smile formed on her lips from just the thought of him. When she had called him to invite him to the reading, she hadn’t dared to tell him that she was ready, that she couldn’t wait another minute to be with him. Mostly because she didn’t want to do it over the phone.

But also because a part of her was still scared. There was no doubt in her heart; she loved Drake more than anything. But what if they were able to be happy again and another tragedy struck them? If she had to go through the pain of losing him again, Alexis knew without the shadow of a doubt that she wouldn’t be able to recover.

In addition to all of that, there was something she needed to tell him, and Alexis wasn’t sure how Drake was going to react. She stepped out of the ocean and dried herself. When she got to the house, Alexis went to her closet, thinking about what she was going to wear. Butterflies flapped in her stomach, knowing that she was dressing for him, that if everything went well, she would be in his arms that same night — the feeling of being 19 years old all over again washed over her. After a short shower, she applied light makeup and blow-dried her hair. Before leaving the house, she looked at herself in the mirror. It didn’t matter how scared she was; fear had dominated her life for almost five years. It wouldn’t control another minute of it.

Drake turned on the engine of his jeep, his heart racing thinking about her. He had no idea what her book was about, but Alexis had talked about it with that cute voice she had when she was really thrilled about something. Drake could almost see her face if he closed her eyes: her wide, gorgeous smile and a pink blush covering her cheeks with excitement. During their conversation, she hadn’t said anything about their marriage, but Drake knew she wouldn’t have invited him if she wasn’t ready to be with him again. At least he really hoped so. Before going to the library, he made a quick stop. His project was on the right track. He prepared the last surprise for her and then left for the reading.  

The children’s bookstore that Charlie had picked was perfect. Small and cozy, it had a lounge with two large sofas and colorful cushions. Posters of Tom Sawyer’s books and figurines of the Harry Potter and Narnia universes decorated the walls. The owner had moved an antique armchair to the middle of the room, so the kids and their parents would be surrounding Alexis in a half-circle as she told her story. She was greeting the families that her agent had invited when she heard a familiar voice calling her.

“Blossom!” Maxwell ran to hug her. “I missed you so much; I have a million things to tell you!”

She hugged her best friend back. “Hi, Max! I missed you too. How’s the married life?”

“Perfection. Rashad is the best husband in the world. A total control freak, but I knew that already.”

Alexis laughed. “Anyone seems like a control freak compared to you.”

“I guess that’s true.” Max beamed, looking at her. She was wearing a beige mid-length dress with an oversized camel blazer and nude high heels. “You’re gorgeous, by the way.” Her friend gave her a knowing smile. “Drake is going to drop dead when he sees you.”

She gave her friend an anxious smile. “He isn’t here yet.”

“He’ll be here soon, Lexie. Don’t worry,” Maxwell said, placing his hand on her shoulder.

“Darling, everything looks fabulous.” Olivia kissed both her cheeks. “I’m so proud of you,” she said earnestly.

“Come on, Liv. Don’t make me think you’ve gone soft,” Alexis teased.

“I mean it, Alexis.”

“I know you do,” she replied, squeezing her best friend’s hands. “Thank you.”

Charlie interrupted them. “Please take your seats. You need to start, Alexis.”

Alexis sat in the armchair; she glanced at the door one more time, and there he was, looking shamelessly handsome in a white shirt and jeans. Drake winked at her as he sat on one of the sofas next to her. His boyish grin had the power of rendering her speechless. She swallowed her nervousness and opened the book. Drake noticed that it was signed by Alexis Walker, and his smile got wider.

“Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Tom who lived in a small red cabin in the middle of the woods. Every night before bed, his mom and dad sang him lullabies and told him stories of faraway lands, brave princes, and courageous queens. His best friends were Buttons, a little grey rabbit that followed Tom everywhere he went, and Maxie, an enthusiastic fire truck with a loud voice that only Tom could hear. Tom wanted to travel very far; thus, his dream had always been to conquer the faraway lands his parents described to him every night. One sunny April morning, Tom put his wooden sword and blue cape in his backpack and left, followed by Buttons and Maxie, to live the adventures he had dreamed of.”

Alexis looked up and saw Drake staring at her with glossy eyes. He gave her a soft nod, so she turned her eyes back to the book and kept on reading. Perhaps to avoid thinking about his lost son, Drake’s attention focused on her. He looked at her, enraptured. Alexis’ bright brown eyes were almost shining; her silvery voice had the entire room captivated with her story. The inner light he had always loved in her was back, as bright as before. In only a few months, she had managed to regain control of her life and make her dream come true. Every time he thought that he couldn’t possibly admire or love her more, she surprised him again. He was utterly, hopelessly, crazily in love with her.

“… Tom, Maxie, and Buttons had lived an incredible adventure. Tom missed his mom and dad deeply, but he knew that they were waiting for him in their little red cabin in the middle of the woods and that he’d soon come home.”

Alexis closed the book with watering eyes. “Thank you for coming. This book means a great deal to me.” She swallowed the lump in her throat. “I hope you enjoyed it. I’ll be happy to answer questions if you have any.”

One woman holding a little girl in her lap raised her hand and asked the question Drake was dreading. “Is Tom’s character based on someone real?”

Charlie had warned Alexis that she needed to be prepared to answer that. She gripped the book and took a deep breath. “Yes, on my son.” After drinking a gulp of water to control herself, she added, “He’s no longer with us.”

Drake smiled at her sadly but reassuringly when the audience went silent for a few seconds.

Maxwell quickly raised his hand. “Um … I just wanted to know if you’re preparing a sequel.”

Alexis gave him a grateful look. “Not at the moment, maybe later. Thank you for your question, sir.”

A little girl in pigtails asked her a question about Buttons, and a blond boy questioned her about Maxie the fire truck.

After she was done answering and signing copies of the book, she went to meet with Drake, Max, and Olivia.

“I loved it, Blossom! I have to say that Maxie the fire truck is the best character. He seems to be the smartest, funniest, cutest one of them all. Certainly much more than the evil Queen Nevrakis,” Maxwell beamed as Olivia shook her head, for once, more amused than annoyed.

A sudden silence made Olivia realise that Drake and Alexis were looking at each other longingly. She cleared her throat. “I have a date with Jin tonight, so we better get going, Max.”

Maxwell beamed as he hugged both of them. It was unquestionable for anyone who knew them that Drake and Alexis belonged with each other, and nothing could make Max happier than to see them together again. “I’m so happy for you guys! See you soon!”

They both chuckled; Drake brushed Alexis’ hand with his, slowly intertwining his fingers with hers.

“Did you like it?” Alexis asked Drake timidly.

“It was wonderful. The way you described him was simply perfect.” Drake threw her a small smile. “It was our Tom. I admire you so much, Lexie. Thank you for this; I needed it too.” They locked eyes with each other, both their hearts racing.

“I’m ready, Drake,” Alexis blurted out and immediately felt the blush in her cheeks, her heart beating furiously in her chest.  

“Are you sure you’re ready to come with me?” he asked her with his deep voice, an intense longing in his eyes.

“As long as you still want me to,” Alexis gave him a coquettish smile.

He tightened his grip on her hand. “Always, Lexie.” The loving look she gave him back was enough to drive him wild. Drake looked around him; they were in a children’s bookstore surrounded by kids and Alexis’ old boss. Probably not the best place to kiss her as he was dying to.

“I have a surprise for you,” he whispered sheepishly.

Alexis arched her brows. “Really? What is it?” she asked excitedly.

Drake smirked. “A surprise has to be unexpected. As a writer, aren’t you supposed to know definitions of words and shit?”

“Smartass,” she laughed. “I just need to say good-bye to Charlie really quick, and we can go.”

When they got into the car, Drake leaned to her seat and cupped her beautiful face. She let out a soft gasp when he kissed both her cheeks, the corners of her lips, her nose. “I’m going to spend the rest of the night, of my life, kissing every part of you, baby,” he growled in her ear.

If Alexis waited another minute, she would’ve imploded right there, so she crashed her lips on his, making him groan with want. Drake pressed her body against the seat, but an annoying thought made him stop. “Our first time after all this time will not be in the passenger seat of my jeep, Lexie.”

Alexis bit her bottom lip. “Let’s go,” she urged him.

After a short drive, Drake pulled over on the side of the highway. He grabbed a silk tie from the back seat. “I need to cover your eyes.”

“It’s dark, and we’re in the middle of the woods, Walker. Are you trying to kidnap me?” she asked with a flirty tone.

A smug grin spread on his lips. “Actually, that is exactly what I’m going to do. Turn around.” Gently, he placed the tie around her head and tied a knot. “No peeking, Lex,” he said, kissing her head.

She shook her head, now too excited to speak.

After a few minutes, they arrived, and Drake helped Alexis to get out of the car. The feeling of walking in an unknown place with her eyes covered could’ve made someone nervous, but there was no one Alexis trusted more in the world than Drake; he would rather die than let something happen to her. They walked a few inches with him firmly holding her. When they stopped, he pulled her back against his chest, circling her waist with his arm. He leaned to speak in her ear. “Six months ago, in one of our phone calls, you told me how difficult it’d be for you to live in the cabin again. That you would love to start our lives somewhere else.”

Alexis nodded.

“That day, I recalled how much you loved that abandoned house next to the lake. It was small and run down, but you fell completely in love with it. Remember?”

“I do,” she said with a lump in her throat.

They were taking a stroll next to the lake when Alexis saw it. The house was almost in ruins, but according to her, it had significant potential. As it was clearly uninhabited and there was a window open on the ground floor, she climbed through it; Drake followed her, chuckling, with Tom in his arms. Once inside, he had to admit that the house did show promise. They would have to spend a lot of weekends renovating it, but he loved manual work and was sure Alexis would make it as cozy and comfortable as she had made his father’s cabin. Back in their own place, they daydreamed about buying the house and renovating it. She drew a small sketch of what she pictured: a huge kitchen where they could both cook together, a swing for Tom to play, a porch to watch the sunset, and a main room with a skylight where they could see the stars every night. It would take some time and a lot of effort, but they thought the house was worth it. When Drake was about to make an offer to the real estate agency, tragedy overcame them, and they forgot all about it.

Drake uncovered her eyes, and she gasped. They were standing in front of the house, but it had changed. Drake had spent the last five months working on it every minute of his spare time. The old washed-out exterior was now a beautiful wooden façade with a large, wide-pillared porch in the front.

He held her tightly. “Now this is the exterior. There’s still a lot of renovation work to do inside. You’ll see.”

Alexis had happy tears in her eyes. “I … I can’t believe you did this, Drake. It’s gorgeous.” She turned around, and he cupped her face and gave her an intense, searing kiss.

“Come on, I want to show you the rest,” he said when they finally parted, breathless. Drake grabbed her hand, and they laced their fingers together.

They stepped into the house, and even if Drake was right and the first floor still needed a lot of work, Alexis wandered around happily with her heart full. “I love the kitchen! We can have a large counter here,” she said, pointing to one side of the room. “What would you think about a thick wood table?”

Alexis’ face reflected so much excitement and enthusiasm that Drake couldn’t help but grin at it. His gaze followed her as she pranced all over the house with a thousand ideas of how to renovate every corner of it.

“So I gather you like it?” he asked, arching an amused eyebrow.

“Like it? I love it, Drake! It’s perfect. I’d like to move here as soon as possible!”

Drake couldn’t help but smile tenderly at her. “Are you sure? We can stay in the cabin for a few more months while we do the renovation work here.”

“If the water is running, I’d prefer to stay here,” she answered with an earnest smile. “This is us, Drake. Ours. A new life together. I’m not running from our past, and I never want to forget Tom,” she said, brushing a small tear with her hand. “I just want to start over in a place where we can create new memories.”

“If that’s really what you think, there’s a room that’s already finished.” He threw her a quizzical smile. “Do you remember the drawing you did of how we pictured our house?”

Alexis let out a spontaneous laugh that made Drake's heart leap. “I would barely call the doodles I made drawings, but I remember the moment, yes.”

“Well, I hope I did the doodles justice.” Drake held his breath as he opened the door.

Alexis gasped; he had remembered everything she had dreamed of. A soft, fluffy carpet. A big bed full of cushions, a fireplace warming the room, and the skylight over the bed. The moon and stars lit up the whole room through it.

Mesmerized, she took off the blazer she was wearing, and Drake’s eyes widened. The beige dress she had underneath was tight and hugged every single curve of her body. Suddenly, Drake was very aware of the taunting way she moved; she turned her back on him to look at the fireplace, and his eyes went straight to her bare upper back and the delicate line of her neck. Blushing, he moved to readjust himself. Her thrilled voice pulled him out of his thoughts.  

“I love it, Drake. Every single part of it! The skylight is exactly how I’d imagined it!” He took off his own jacket and rolled up his sleeves. “What?” she asked, catching her bottom lip between her teeth when she realized he was looking intently at her.

“Are you wearing that for me?” Drake’s low baritone and sexy smile made her blush crimson red.

“Maybe,” she answered with the most innocent look in her eyes but a sultry voice.

Drake cut the distance between them; even with her sexy nude heels, he towered over her. “Don’t give me that innocent look, baby,” he growled. “Or I won’t be able to control myself.”

Alexis leaned towards him, her hands playing with his collar. “See, Drake, that’s the thing. I don’t want you to control yourself.”

He swept her off her feet. She looped his neck in a burst of roaring laughter. “I want you so fucking much, Lexie,” he told her as he gently dropped her on the bed. Their bed. He hovered over her, holding his weight up with his right arm.

She hid her nose on his neck, inhaling the intoxicating sandalwood. “Me too, Drake.”

“You deserve the world,” Drake said, staring at her almost black eyes looking at him adoringly. He wanted nothing more than to make this night last as long as he possibly could. “It’s been four years that I’ve been thinking about this moment,” he said, gently kissing her cheek. “Four years that I’ve dreamed of making you mine again.” He growled at her ear as he nipped it. “And now, I finally have you here --” He softly bit her neck. “-- all for myself.” He kissed her collarbone as he slowly unzipped her dress. “This damn dress is making me wild, Lexie.”

As he rubbed his thumb on her lips and cheeks, Alexis’ heart beat so fast, she was sure he could hear it. Finally, he kissed her, and time stopped. His lips felt so soft on hers, his tongue so passionate when it slowly entered her mouth, intertwining with hers. His strong hand cupped her head as he deepened the kiss. Suddenly the need became urgent, and he moved to her neck, possessed by the need to claim her. Drake softly sank his teeth in her, making an exhilarated moan escape from her throat.

Slowly, he pulled the dress’ front zipper down, peppering sultry kisses on every inch of skin he discovered, until only her lacy underwear was left. He pulled her to him and kissed her senseless as he unclasped her bra. Her beautiful breasts appeared, her buds erect, ready for him to kiss them. Drake softly flicked his thumbs over them. Then his tongue tasted them, taking pleasure in the sight of Alexis arching her back for him. He took a deep breath until all he could smell was her cherry fragrance. With a cocky smile, he pulled down her last piece of underwear, leaving her completely exposed and vulnerable to him.

“You’re so fucking gorgeous, Lexie,” he groaned as his eyes wandered over her body lit up by the moonlight, and his calloused hands moved down her body, rubbing her face, her breasts, her hips, a trail of excited goosebumps appearing everywhere he touched. “And you are all mine.”

Alexis gave him a flirty smile. “I want to see you too, Drake.” She softly pushed him up until they were both on their knees.

The sight of her naked, kneeling in front of him and undressing him with nervous fingers, desperate to kiss him, to touch him too, almost killed him. She undid his jeans and let her hand wander around his cock. He drank in the sight of her, enjoying her soft, small hand around him for a moment. Her soft, skilled strokes on his impossible hard length felt incredible, but after all the months, the years they had spent apart, he wasn’t going to last long if she continued. “I won’t be able to resist much longer, baby.” He grabbed her wrist. “And there are a lot, a lot of things, I want to do to you first. Lay down,” he growled, standing up to toss off the rest of his clothes.

Alexis felt like she was on fire, ready to explode. Drake’s lips kissing her legs, her knees, and her inner thighs only made the fire wilder. She gripped the sheets when she felt his hot mouth on her, kissing the soft skin around her clit.  

“It drives me insane how wet you already are for me, Lex,” he said, parting her lips with his tongue and softly entering her, inebriating himself with her taste.

“Drake, god! Drake,” she chanted again and again as his expert tongue and fingers explored her, thrust inside of her. Feeling the heat build more and more, she tugged his hair, making him smile against her warm skin. Finally, she reached a point of no return and screamed his name again.

Drake smirked. “Fuck, I’ve missed that, baby.”

Still panting, she managed to answer in a soft voice. “Me too, Drake.” Drake caught her lips in a slow, tender kiss as she came down from her high.

“Come here,” he whispered, scooping her and sitting her in his lap. Alexis straddled him, enveloping his torso with her legs. Cradling her with his arms, Drake’s desperate lips ravaged her neck, alternating soft kisses with small bites. Her back arched, giving him full access to her breasts that he cupped, his thumbs slowly circling her hard nipples again. Alexis rolled her hips against him.

Drake chuckled against her neck. “Are you trying to tell me something, Lexie?”

“I need you now, Drake,” she moaned. His cock was already throbbing, but he felt like he was going to burst at her words

“Whatever you want, Alexis.” He positioned himself with the tip of his dick, teasing the little nub of her center. “Look at me, baby. I want to see your pretty eyes as I enter you.”

She locked her burning eyes with him, and he grabbed her hips, confidently guiding her body to enter her folds slowly, giving her time to adjust to him.

The world, the moon, and the stars, everything around them faded. Each set of eyes only saw each other, reflecting the passion, the excitement, the deep love they felt.

“I love you, Lexie,” Drake whispered as he slowly moved inside of her, adoring her smell, the way she moved, how she moaned his name.

“I love you too, Drake,” Alexis whispered back, reveling in the sensation of him filling her completely. Of her heart racing with every delicious thrust. Of his strong arms holding her tightly, safely. Of his hands caressing her back. “I feel you everywhere, Drake, god.”

They rocked their hips at the same pace, increasing speed as their movements became more passionate, more desperate. He ground into her powerfully, feeling her walls tighten around him. The sensation was unbelievable, an exceptional connection that neither of them could ever experience with anyone else. “Come with me, baby,” he whispered as his hand reached her center, allowing his thumb to rub the little nub in it, making her lose her mind. Alexis couldn’t formulate a coherent thought, let alone talk, as the most intense wave of pleasure of her life came cresting over her. A powerful “Drake!” escaped her lips as she climaxed.

His name on her swollen lips and the way she was still vibrating against him pushed him over the edge.

“Mine, Lexie, mine,” he growled, marking her neck as he filled her in complete ecstasy.

He pulled her into his chest, both of them silently enjoying their descent from heaven.

He held her tightly, kissing the top of her head as he lazily rubbed her back, incapable to stop touching her.

“A penny for your thoughts, Lexie.”

She looked at him through her eyelashes, smiling.

“I was just thinking about how absolutely perfect this was.” She stroked his chiseled abs with her hand.

He smirked. “You’re perfect, baby. A fucking work of art.”

Alexis smiled against his chest, a pleasant feeling of utter happiness settling in her chest.

Part of the night was spent with tender whispers, passionate touches, and shared laughs. The rest, they spent rediscovering every nook and hidden corner of each other’s bodies as if they were trying to recoup the last five years in a few hours. Finally, the morning lights caught them sleeping tangled in each other’s bodies. Drake opened his eyes first, smiling as he hadn’t done in five years.

“Good morning, baby,” he whispered in her ear, waking her up.

“Nuh, uh, too early.” She hid her head under the pillow.

“You have to see this, Lexie. Wake up,” he said softly, kissing her bare back.

“God, I’ve forgotten how good you are at motivating a girl.”

Drake chuckled. “Come here.”

Wrapped in the sheets with Drake hugging her tightly from behind, Lexie sat on the porch in front of the lake, and she understood why he had woken her up. In front of her eyes, a sumptuous spectacle of pink, ochre and golden sun rays extended over the glowing lake. It was the most stunning sunrise she had ever seen.

“There’s something I need to tell you that might change your mind about us,” Alexis warned him cautiously. She bit her lips, feeling remorseful. She should have discussed it the day before, but selfishly, she had wanted to enjoy the night with Drake.

He almost laughed at the idea. “Nothing would change my mind, Lexie. Test me.”

She took a deep breath and let the sentence out as fast as she could. “I don’t know if I ever want any more children, but I don’t think so.” She carefully gauged his reaction as she asked. “Do you?”

“I don’t know,” he answered sincerely. “I didn’t for a long time; I was adamant. ” He looked tenderly at her. “Now, I’m not so sure, but I do know that the idea scares the shit out of me.”

Alexis let out a relieved breath. “Me too.”

“I’ll tell you this. We’ll revisit the idea in a few years, but we won’t do it unless we’re both sure. Deal?”

“And what if I don’t change my mind, and you do?” she asked worriedly.

“Then we won’t, Lexie. All I want out of life I have right here,” he said, holding her even tighter. “Nine years ago, in my vows, I told you that I loved the fire in your eyes and how much you love life. I told you that I would always take care of that gorgeous inner light of yours. But I didn’t do a great job.” Alexis was about to protest, but Drake put his thumb on her lips, smiling. "I promise that I’ll devote the rest of my life to making you happy. I’m so proud of you, of everything you are, Lexie. I love you more than I did back then, much more.” He opened his palm, where he had their wedding rings in his hand. “I always knew that one day we would be wearing these again, Mrs. Walker.”

Alexis beamed. “I love you, too. You have no idea how much. For years, I felt lifeless, and now just looking at you, my heart hammers, Drake. You take away the emptiness, the sadness. You make me so incredibly happy.”

A bittersweet tear escaped from her eyes when she extended her hand and watched, immensely moved, how Drake slid her wedding band and engagement ring on her finger. Then she put his on.

Relieved, she turned her head up and caught his lips in a delicious, deep kiss.

Drake noticed a small, tiny tear. “What’s up, Lexie?”

“I was really convinced that I could never feel this extremely elated again, and now that I do, I also feel …” She stopped in her tracks.

“Guilty. You feel guilty for feeling happy.”

She nodded slowly.

“Me too.” Drake rubbed her cheek with his hand. “I think we have to learn to live with that, baby. Tom will always be here. He’ll always hurt.”

Alexis snuggled against him as Drake drew her into his arms. A loving smile spread on her lips; no matter how difficult or painful their grief would be in the future, they would be facing it togther.

The End.

[n0ita]

About 7 years ago, a good friend and I jokingly made a marriage pact - one of the ones that states that if we aren’t in respective serious relationships by a certain age, we’d just get married.

About 10 months ago, I meet a guy who had such a pull to me that we knew we were a go. We dated until June, where I then moved in. He proposed in July and I said yes. I approached every red flag with an, “I can fix this” attitude, he approached them with a, “go ahead, as long as I don’t have to help” metaphorical shrug. There was a sea of red flags. The ones that stand out to me are:

- refusing to go to therapy for PTSD

- excessive drinking 2-3 times a week

- using the entirety of his free time on video games

- never wanting to spend time together except on video games

- yelling at me when I didn’t “back him up” in online arguments, yelling at me over nothing in general

- being dismissive whenever I didn’t want to give him what he asked for by saying, “guess I’ll go fuck myself then” and throwing a pity fit

- not being appreciative, helpful, or pulling his weight around the house

- when I was bedridden for nearly a month because of a severe injury, it took me two days to figure out how to get around the house against medical advice because he refused to help me

- being incredibly toxic towards my gaming friends/people in general

- spending $230 a month on aim hacks without telling me and then lying about it

- forbidding me from texting him unless it was important

There are more, but the point is clear. Around September I started to really see the bigger picture. But for all those months I was so in love and so entrenched in trying to make it work that the idea of leaving felt like I was ripping a vital organ out of my body just to throw it on the ground and grind it into the pavement. It made me feel like I needed to throw up.

The marriage pact friend was there for me throughout this entire struggle. He always gave me objective advice or support, depending on which the situation called for. I knew he felt for me as more than a friend, but he always put that aside for my best interests. When I packed my things up to leave in October, he graciously offered me and my two dogs a place to stay. I didn’t leave.

After that near miss, if you can call it that when it feels like the exact opposite, things were very unpredictable. On the surface my ex was more affectionate, kinder, more thoughtful and more “there”. But it was only on the surface. When it came down to actually putting effort into something, such as going out somewhere instead of playing games, there was no leeway. He wanted to give me enough for me to stay, but not an ounce more.

Then, the second week of October, we were attending a family party at his parents’ favorite restaurant. In front of 70+ guests, he started screaming at me over a discussion about pillows. He talked shit about me to his family, blamed me for changing his mind on his career (?), and ridiculed me in front of everybody there to see it. When I didn’t immediately accept his apology, the screaming started again. I was able to subdue him and get him to see the irrationality of it all. But for me, the damage was done. It was the curtain call, the straw that broke the camel’s back, the fat lady bellowing her song.

I felt incredibly alone and afraid of what the future would hold for me. But I wasn’t alone. The friend who stood by me selflessly was there, only I told him one night - one that made me question my morals - to abandon the filter he had dawned for so long and tell me how he really felt. Along with many statements that made my jaw drop and my heart swell, he told me he loved me. He didn’t mean platonically. And he told me his doors that he opened for me in October we’re still mine to walk through. The day after we returned from visiting my ex’s parents’ home, I packed my things and left. I drove straight into the arms of somebody who has had an undying respect and admiration of me for nearly a decade. I drove to where I can confidently say is where I’m better off. Here, I’m cared for, adored, treated properly, respected, and so much more.

It’s not really that simple. Even when trading in a shitty car for a better, shinier car - you still feel a pang of sadness to have to say goodbye to the car that took you where you needed to go for as long as it did. You think of all the memories you shared with it, and the weight of its sentimental value is dropped on you like a 6,000 pound hunk of aluminum and steel that just keeps whispering, “please don’t leave me.” You don’t know what’s in its future, but you are almost certain nothing in it will treat that car with as much love as you did during your tenure. See where I’m going with this?

Even though I’m in a place where I need to be, a place where I want to be, and I’m with the person who fits me like he’s the last piece of my puzzle and he was hiding under my couch all this time, I feel like something has kicked my puzzle back into a thousand pieces and scattered it around the country. My heart is torn. I can’t help but think of the good times, of the way it felt when he hugged me, of the habits and home we shared together. Granted, what I miss is purely superficial things and I know I’m wearing a pair of rose colored glasses that I never asked for - but it’s still just enough on the unreasonable side to warrant a pull from my emotions that I can’t withstand. It hurts me. It hurts me to think of what he’s up to. Is he mad? Is he sad? Is he happy and totally moved on? It sucks that the latter is what I’m most afraid of. Does he even care?

Everybody tells me that all I need to do is give it time. Maybe they’re right. But I want to understand what I’m feeling so I can process it on my own time and move on, bonus points if I can do it in the snap of a finger. More than that, I want to forget. I want to forget so I can give the person I’m with now my whole, unburdened self. Because that’s what he deserves.

I’m not whole, but I will be.

[pointlesspoetryy-blog]

Driving Lessons (fiction)

A fictional story about a teenage girl’s final process of moving on from a tragic event. I wanted to capture the feeling or idea of “driving” away from something, a traumatic event, something you haven’t let go of. 2693 words. It’s a long one. 

Driving Lessons

”My mum and little sister died when I was eleven and I killed... no… I did… please...don’t give me excuses”.

And that’s all I remember from my session today. In fact, that’s all I remember saying all day. I remember Dad taking me to the cafe across the street from the therapist’s and eating a sandwich that was far too chewy to be worth its twelve dollar price tag. Then I remember taking the train home with him and going to my room and staring at my math homework. I think I cried because of the 2010 family picture on my wall, but that could have been yesterday.

I haven’t been in a car since the accident. I’ve been told it was an accident but I still don’t think it was. That’s why I had therapy today. I’ve been fighting with my Dad because I don’t want some idiot with a degree telling me why I killed half my family. He broke down and said he’s so sorry he didn’t help me sooner, for not being there for me. I eventually agreed in the heat of the moment.

Most people think it’s weird that I haven’t been in a car for five years, but it’s not all that hard. If I do something on the weekend it has to be by the train, but usually, I’m just in my room. My room is where it’s safe and I feel safe and I can’t hurt anyone. I’ve been told I have some sort of complex, but then again not many people have caused what I’ve caused. A month ago, I took and passed the computerised driving test, for the hell of it and to make Dad happy. My L plates now sit in my drawer, untouched and hated. Now, all of my friends are starting to drive, being sixteen and all, but I know I could never set foot on a brake, turn a key, start an engine; roll down the windows, blast music, drive my friends home from a party; sing along to a song while I drive, the way my mother would always do, her sweet voice in tune with a cassette tape. When I was six and she’d take me home from dance lessons, she would put in a nursery rhymes CD and we’d yell the lyrics to Humpty Dumpty on the Princes Highway, windows down and wind in my face.

I remember the song that was playing right before the accident. Sometimes I lie awake in the dead of night and the music will crawl into my brain from some deep dark corner and my chest seizes up and I can’t breathe. I hear cars zooming down my neighbourhood from outside my window and I want to stand up and yell at them to stop, to please save themselves, but I am frozen and sweating under my covers. I flashback to the moment, the suspension of air and time and then the crushing sensation of the ground. All I can hear is the CD player scratching and the lyrics breaking over and over and over again as I lie there and eventually the disc machine gives up and the scratchy song stops; and then, silence. The song is so ironic that many times in these panic attacks I’ll burst out laughing- God really does have a sense of humour. “Stayin’ Alive” by the Bee Gees.

I got given pills at thirteen, some chemical compacted into a tablet that was supposed to make me forget. I tried to take them but they made me numb, oblivious to the world with a layer of rose glass glazed over everything. It was as if you took your depression and put a barbie bandaid on it. I started flushing the stupid things down the toilet, and the panic attacks came back. It was better than forgetting my mum and little sister ever existed.

It’s Sunday and I wake up at 5 am. This is normal for me, don’t worry. I check my phone and drink some water, and do my usual routine of lying awake for two hours, mind blank. Early morning is the only time I feel okay; I can picture my little sister snoring in the room next to me in her tiny pink barbie bed. I used to jump into it every morning, waking her up and blowing raspberries on her face. She would cling to me as I piggybacked her to the kitchen and made us Weetbix for breakfast. Mum would pad down the stairs in her dressing gown and make tea- she wouldn’t drink coffee because of the baby- and my Dad would follow, letting the dogs in and making everyone pancakes on the days he wasn’t working. Mum would hug us goodbye and take Milly to kindergarten as I walked to the bus stop. Now, my Dad will wake up early and come into my room, every day, probably to check that I’m still alive.

I startle as he knocks on my door at 7 am. My body is tired, a familiar throb that wakes up with me. I pretend to be asleep as Dad sits at the foot of my bed. “B?”. He uses the same tone every morning when he says my nickname, apprehensive and tense. I breathe loudly and can instantly sense his relief. He pats my shoulder.

“I have to tell you something sweetheart”, he says, and I can tell from his voice that it’s not going to be okay.

“Promise me you’ll be okay with this”

“What is it, Dad”

“I… I booked you a driving lesson for this afternoon”

And my whole world goes black.

I wake up again around 9 am and at first, I can’t remember what’s wrong. I climb out of bed and sweep my hair off my forehead, realising I’ve been sweating. I find myself going to my sisters' room; it’s been untouched for five years, a thin layer of grime covering her Barbie dolls and toys. I sit on her bed and it creaks. I often do this, lying under her pink covers and crying. “I miss you, Mills. I’m so sorry. You would have been ten today, baby”.

I pace into the kitchen and sit at the table with my Dad, a full cup of coffee at my seat. Dad looks empty. “It’s…”

“Yeah, it’s Mill’s birthday” I interject. There’s no reason to beat around the bush. I rarely reveal my emotions to people, no-one needs to know how I sit in my sisters' room and cry, or talk to my mum in my sleep. “I thought this would be a good day to move on, Brea. For you to learn how to drive”. There’s a long pause. Dad’s tone is slow and tired. I am silent, but not by choice, but because instead of words I have tears bubbling up. “We just. Need to move on. You have to move on B, this isn’t healthy” he’s saying, but all I am hearing is “forget about their suffering and drive without them”.

“Dad, I can’t. You know that” I choke out. “What if I’m responsible for someone else’s death again? There’s just too much to handle”. Dad lowers his head to the table. His tone is gruff.  “It wasn’t your fault Brea, Jesus Christ. Your lesson is at four o'clock this afternoon, understand? Don’t you see how I suffer too, watching you waste your life and blame yourself for this bloody mess? You were eleven years old, Breanna. It was dumb bad luck”. I am silent.

10 am fades into the afternoon, which melts into 3 pm. I’ve switched between lying in my bed, staring at my math homework, ignoring my friend’s messages. Dad appears at my door. “Breanna, it’s time. Get dressed”. I feel pretty numb, along with knowing there’s no way I’m getting in the instructors' car. “How are we getting there?”, “we’re driving” Dad responds in a muted tone. “Nuh-uh. No way.” I try, tears prickling. “You can sit in the back. It’s happening, Brea” is the response I get, no sympathy, no recognition of my fear. I swallow and sidle into the back seat. Dad’s face softens and his tone changes. “I’ll drive real slowly, the place is only six kilometres away”. I curl up inside my seatbelt, trying to cure the unfamiliar feeling.

My eyes remain shut the entire long trip, although only long because Dad drives slowly. Still, every speed bump, jolt and close-passing car makes me panic. At some point, I press my hand up to the window, a light rain misting the view. I didn’t want to look outside anyway.

All of a sudden I am standing outside the instructors' car, his face frowning back at me. Rain tickles my scalp, and I can’t tell if the wetness on my cheeks is rain or tears.

“I’ll be in the back seat, B. You got this” I hear Dad say, distantly. The instructor stands in front of me. “As this is your first time driving, we will only be driving around one street. However, I will first teach you the basics of the clutch and wheel etc…”

His voice fades into the air for me. I want to run away, but there are cars that will chase me: in other words, I’m trapped.

It’s time for me to enter the car. I’m almost dissociating from reality but there is nothing I can do. The instructor shows me how to use the clutch and pedal, but his words are bullshit to me. He places a key in my trembling hands, expecting me to know what to do with it. “Is she okay?” the guy is asking my Dad, his words sounding distant and echoey in my drumming brain. “She’s fine… just experiencing some drivers anxiety…” I bite my lip so hard that I feel the capillaries burst; I can hear them pop… not normal… focus. I turn the key and the engine starts, abruptly. And I am plunged into somewhere else.

It is February 2013, a warm day in Sydney. My little sister and I play fight and wrestle as we make our way through the parking lot. Mum tells us to cut it out, and cut it out quick! But she is laughing. Sugar from my popsicle lingers on my lips, sticky in the sun. Milly has her arms wrapped around my waist and I’m forced to drag her, groaning and panting, I lock my fingers into hers and twist them back. “OWWWW” she exclaims and starts to cry. “No! SHH, Mills! No crying allowed on your birthday!” I yell-whisper, cautious of  Mum in the near distance, knowing I’ll get in trouble for making Milly cry. I pick her up and carry her as I walk. “Stupid face!” I grin, and she grins back. Sugar has gotten to her head and she wriggles out of my arms and runs across the parking lot. “Mills, come back!” I yell at her, knowing I’m partly responsible for her safety. Mum gets her. I smile. Luna Park was just what Milly needs on her fifth birthday, and it was kinda fun too, even when I’m as old as eleven.

“Push over, loser” I playfully shove Mills off my favourite back seat. “Honey, you sit in the front today” My mum smiles behind her Ray Bans. Her lipstick is cherry coloured and teeth straight and white, eyes so kind as they peer over the top of her glasses. I scowl as I climb into the front, wondering why I didn’t get the good genes. Milly has the same kind eyes; I know she’ll be beautiful by my age. Oh! “Milllllls, it’s time for your birthday present!” I grin and look behind me at her excitement. I throw back my handmade paper card with a stick figure drawing and a stuffed animal full of candy. Mum scowls lightly and starts the car, the sudden sound of the engine abrupt. We roll out of the parking lot into Sydney traffic. Mum lets me choose the CD for the car trip, Mills doesn’t seem too fussed, even though I know she’d like some Britney Spears; I hate Britney Spears. I choose an Old Hits CD and ignore Milly’s protests.

It’s been about half an hour and we’re on a busy-looking highway. Mum’s letting me go on her phone and Milly’s fast asleep in the back, sugar crash no doubt. “I can’t wait ‘til Mill is older and I’m super old like twenty-three and we can be adults together” I happily tell Mum as she pretends to listen; I notice but I keep rambling anyway. “Will we still go to Luna Park when we’re older? Mums?”

“Sorry, darling, I’m a bit tired… love, just let me focus”. I always forget that Mum’s pregnant, because her bump is still small, but she somehow already knows it’s gonna be a boy. Science is cool. I heard Mum and Dad talking about names just last night, it’s gonna be Jamie or Sam or most likely Tye. I think Tye sounds stupid, like the hair tie on my wrist.

My favourite song from the CD comes on- “Stayin Alive” by the Bee Gees. Anticipation lulls away and I rest my head on the windowsill.

I hear Milly wake up before I see her because she stops her annoying snoring, finally. “Where’s my stuffy!” she whines, rubbing her eyes.

“Are we nearly there, Mummy?”

“Not yet baby”

“Where’s my stuffy? I want candy” “I don’t know love, go back to sleep”

Out the corner of my eye, I see Milly reach for my present, having rolled to the opposite side of the back seat, under Mum’s. “Can’t… reach..” she mutters; I’m singing along to the chorus of Stayin Alive. Mum quietly curses at a car as it overtakes her. “Reckless people” she mutters. “Mum, you okay,” I ask. “Yes darling, can you check on your sister?”

The barely audible click of a seatbelt unfastening reaches my ears. “Mills… Mills! Get back!” I whisper.

“My stuffyyyy”, Milly is crawling to the other side of the backseat. Mum sees her in the rearview mirror. “Milly...Camilla!”

Mills has gotten herself wedged in between the back seat and the front seat, reaching for her stuffed toy. I roll my eyes. “You’re gonna get in trou-ble” I tease. “Don’t you unclip your belt, Brea”, Mum warns me sternly. “Milly darling please, get back to your seat, I can’t pull over here”, a worried expression on Mum’s face, hand on her bumpy stomach. Milly rustles her stuffed animal free from under the front seat and prepares to climb back up. I lay my head back on the windowsill. I hear a scream.

“SPIDER!”

Mum jerks her head around to the back in a startle. She knocks the steering wheel with her left elbow as I watch in confusement. In the lane beside us, approaches a truck.

It only takes a split second.

Passengers in the backseat are 46 percent more likely to die in a car crash than front seat passengers and drivers.

For some reason, this processed Wikipedia sentence repeats over and over in my head as I sit at the driver’s seat, fingers on the turned, rumbling engine, standstill; back to reality. Two pairs of eyes watch me in concernment as I shake, breathing, in, out, in.

“Um.. so… you have to push your foot on the pedal and…” The instructor.

I’m not listening.

I’m crying, and I look to Dad for comfort, but he’s not there. Instead, it’s young Mills and Mum and her baby bump. “Hey guys” I smile. “I’m sorry… I’m sorry I gave Milly her present in the car… I should have waited like you told me too, Mum”. I silently cry, hoping the instructor can’t see. “I should have let us have the life you deserve, with me and Mill and Tye”; Mum and Mill smile sadly at me. “Happy birthday Milly baby” I whisper. “What do you want for your birthday? You can have anything”.

“I want you to drive me home, big sis”.

So I do.

[alexeiadrae]

I Like Being With My Autistic Child

One of my counselor friends wanted to refer another parent of an autistic child to me. I told her thanks, but my approach to raising an autistic child is so radical those parents often shut me out before they give my ideas a fair shake. Here’s the thing, unlike them, I like my son. I enjoy being with him. I don’t see him as a frustration or something that ruined my life, and I get really angry at parents who think otherwise because I see them make mountains out of molehills and doing things counterproductive to their children’s needs, and then blame their child for not thriving.

Here’s the other thing. Other people really like my son. He started swim lessons a few weeks ago, and when I told them he was autistic and didn’t talk much I could tell they were bracing themselves for problems. Instead, one his first day he jumped happily into the pool and was all smiles as he followed directions and they ended up liking him. They quickly moved him to a more advanced class.

And while I did have to quit my full time job to go into private practice so I could take him to therapy and get him out of his horrible school system A. getting into private practice was a career change I needed to make but spent too long being scared to pursue it to do it and B. I blame a system that does not support families who have children with divergent needs. It’s not my son’s fault he was born in a crummy place. That’s mine for not doing more to get some place more supportive before he was born.

What is our day like? I woke when I heard my kids in the living room. My son is 7 and can’t talk much, but he’s recently become fascinated with toilet humor and was gleefully telling me all about how his sister made a fart. I gave him some clothes to get dressed. He usually dresses on his own, but this week he hasn’t for whatever reason. I got him started and towards then end he took over. I’m confident that next week he’ll be back to dressing himself no problem. He then sat with his sister for a bit and they played on their dad’s computer while he asked for something he could dance to, so I pulled up some Youtube videos of our favorite Broadway performances. I’ve got a son who watches Broadway with me! Then I pulled up a video of all of the Doctor Who openings, and he that made him real happy and break out into a huge grin as he spent the next 20 minutes watching it and exclaiming “Tardis!” and “It’s the Doctor!” when they would appear.

The it was time to take him to the place he gets Greenspan therapy. He’s used to the routine and knows what is coming when I put the dog up. When I dropped him off he signed his name on the sign in sheet. When I picked him up he was playing tag with his speech therapist and having a wonderful time. The speech therapist talked about how funny he is and how he says the funniest things, especially when coupled with his vocal inflections. He doesn’t say much but when he does he is funny (and he is in on the joke). The moment I picked him up I started prepping him to remember that it was a swim day. Swim lessons are still new to the routine, so I made sure I told him multiple times to prepare him. I told him when I picked him up, I told him when he got into the car and buckled in, I told him when I stopped for gas, and before I let him out of the car I told him we were going in to put our swimsuits on. He does love to swim and got changed easily and chilled with his sister for a few minutes, and then we drove to the pool.

No problems at the pool. He followed directions and was all smiles and held his own with the boy his age he was paired with. As we were leaving his sister had to potty, and he decided he wanted to wash his hands. He used a bit too much soap and didn’t want to rinse completely, but you know what? It wasn’t worth making a BFD over. I asked him to grab some towels and he did and threw them away and went home with slightly soapy hands.

Here is where I think so many parents go wrong. Making BFDs of small things. When your sense of the world is out of focus because of sensory issues, I figure those small things help him gain a sense of control over it. It doesn’t hurt anyone if his hands are a bit soapy. For all I know he’s getting something from the sensation.

We got home, had dinner, and then I locked myself in my office for a bit to do some work remotely while my husband took over. When it was bedtime I came out and we read a few stories and he showed me some of the reading skills he is learning. We then sang some songs, and he threw the bedsheets over us so it was like singing under a tent. He then asked me to tickle his feet for a bit before he went to bed and all told, he’s easier to get down for the night than his sister.

Overall I’m struck by how normal our life is. He doesn’t talk, but her interacts with us, he jokes with us, he does a lot of what a typical 7 year old does. This isn’t a tragedy! And it isn’t a burden.

It was not always this easy, but then it’s also not easy when kids are NT. Ages 3-4 were HARD. He had meltdowns, he was aggressive with his sister, he didn’t sleep well. But those things that was difficult then are no longer problems. And no, we did not get to this point by me forcing my will on him and being abusive and controlling. We got to it by me understanding that there is a reason behind his behavior and giving him as much control as possible.

From the ages of 3-4 he had sleep problems. I would get home after working a 10 hour shift and grab “Harry Potter.” I would then read the books out loud until he fell asleep. This went from being a 2 hour process to a 10 minute one, and then it got to the point where one day he pushed me out of his room and went to bed on his own, and has done that ever since. I have no idea what caused the change, but it was a change he instigated. I also don’t know why falling asleep was difficult for him, just that it was. So I just took a book that would be fun to read together and made the most of it.

He would also wake up in the middle of the night and not go back to bed. Eventually I just parked myself in his bedroom and told him he couldn’t leave the room, but if he played nicely it would be fine, and then I slept in his bed while he played in his room (I am an extremely light sleeper and would have known if he tried to leave the room). Making it a power struggle would have just made it worse and I got my needs met (sleep and knowing he was safe) and he felt like he had some control over his environment. I told another mom with an autistic child who wouldn’t sleep about this and she just looked at me like I was crazy. But he sleeps through the night now. And I sleep in my own bed.

Meltdowns were another things we struggled with from the age of 3-4. I spent a lot of time teaching him to learn to manage his emotions. Even NT children have difficulty with this and need to learn how to regulate their emotions. Brain studies have shown that the parts of the brain that regulate the ability to control strong emotions is not developed in toddlers and that by expecting them to have this ability we are setting them up to fail. 

What worked for us was teaching B to blow bubbles. Bubble mix and wands are pretty cheap. When people get upset they forget to exhale and expel the carbon dioxide from their system, and this causes them to get even more angry. So once he learned to do this while calm, when he would get upset I would grab the bubbles and prompt him to blow them. What I learned was that he really did want to calm down, and he REALLY latched on to this. For awhile I had tubes of bubbles all over the house, but he also quickly got to a point where if he got upset and I didn’t have bubbles with me I would prompt, “blow bubbles” and he would start exhaling air like he was. 

Studies show if we teach children how to regulate these emotions when they are young then they grow out of meltdowns and other aggressive behavior, and I found that to be the case for my son. Now when he gets upset he goes to his room until he calms himself down. When he has gotten upset at therapy, usually when another child hurts him, he tries to get to a quit place to calm down, and his case manager is astonished at how he doesn’t hit back and how well he manages himself when it happens. I’ve also noticed he does not like people to see him when he is upset. Having a meltdown in public would be very embarrassing for him.

For awhile (3-4, again) he was aggressive, especially with his sister. I would ask reflecting questions, “was that nice or not nice? How could you have acted in a nice way?” He couldn’t answer me, however, he did think over his actions. would suggest and model things he could have done (say, “I am angry”, count to 10, etc). And it worked. He’s no longer aggressive with her. A few times things were so bad I had to take my daughter to my bedroom and lock the door for her safety until he calmed down (he is 3.5 years older, and he has always been huge for his age and incredibly strong, he rolled over the day he was born, and he really did not realize his own strength), and since he did not like being away from us he quickly learned to get it together and try the things I was modeling.

There are some things that I can’t explain how they worked, aside from that they did. For the longest time I would have to bring his backpack into the house. I would ask him to get his backpack and he wouldn’t. I was upset about it and felt like a pack mule, but I went with the assumption that he couldn’t understand what I wanted or that there was an executive function problem going on and that for whatever reason he couldn’t pick up his backpack. I kept asking though. Now? He’s 100%. I ask him to pick up his backpack and he does, and then when we get into the house he puts it on the hook. I did not train him on how to do this. One day he just started doing it, though. The only way I can explain this is that I was right about there being a reason interfering with his ability to pick up the backpack, and once he developed the skill he was happy to follow directions. Kids genuinely want to please and we tend to overestimate the abilities of what even an NT child should be able to do. Assuming that my children are trying their best has always been something that paid off in the long run.

It boils down to a few rules.

1. If they are engaging in a behavior, then they have a good reason for it. We may not know what that reason is, just that there is a reason. It may be a behavior that needs to change, however, since there is a reason, we need to find a new behavior that fulfills the needs of the old behavior and is safe.

2. Just because they can’t talk doesn’t mean that questions that help them reflect on their behavior aren’t helpful. Ask your child reflecting questions. DON’T LABEL THEM WITH BEHAVIORS SUCH AS “DEFIANT.” They aren’t helpful and they are damaging. Separate your child from the behavior so they see that it is something they can control and change, and that their behavior does not define who they are.

3. We have to teach children how to cope with strong emotions and impulsivity. This is not just something they are born with. Even NT children need to be taught how to do this. It is very hard when they are 3-4, however, it gets easier when they are 5. Studies show that children who are taught this when they are 3 are no longer aggressive when they are 5. It worked for my autistic son, so I don’t see autism children as being immune to learning how to do this.

4. Give them as much control over their environment as you can and avoid power struggles. If they want to wear their shirt inside out it just isn’t worth battling them for it. Save the battles for things like holding your hand when they cross the street. If they want to go outside on a cold day without a jacket, bring a jacket along and wait for them to ask. (my son would in under 5 minutes). If they want to wear mismatched stuff, oh well. Ask yourself, “who is this hurting?” and if the answer is “no one” let it go.

5.Remember what you like and love about your children. And make sure your child knows it. Having something to work towards is extremely motivating. If you see the good and the potential of your child they will rise to that.

6. Radical acceptance.

My son isn’t a tragedy. A society that is so intolerant of people who are different is the tragedy. 

[deanssweetheart23]

Do you have any fics to recommend? I love the slow burn of angst and of course fluff, ALL THE FLUFF. I love Tennessee Whiskey and all of your stuff gets me feeling all warm and fuzzy, is there anything new coming up? Ive read nearly everything you’ve written at least three times, you’re my fave ༼ つ ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ༽つ

My dear anon! I finally found time to reply to this and --hopefully, I won’t be an idiot and lose everything when I’m just a click away from posting. First of all, thank you so, so much for your kind words. I’m so glad you like it, this one’s a favorite of mine as well. And wow, three times? THANK YOU, you’re the best. 

Now of course, I have fics to recommend because I read all the things. Let’s start, shall we?

@trexrambling: My sunflower. Jess. What can one even say about Jess? She’s amazing. The way she writes things, the feeling she puts into her work is just mind-blowing. Her characterisations are always on point and she writes all the sass. I love it. 

Fics you should be reading: Through Your Eyes (seriously, I want this entire series tattooed on my body), Used To This, Falling Stars, 10 Reasons, Afraid of Home, Bite Me, For You, I Would

@percywinchester27: Ana. Ana is amazing, okay? She paints bright pictures with words and she knows how to create the most amazing, compelling and thick plots ever. Nothing in her writing is random and she writes the most amazing Weechester fics ever. Ever, I’m telling you.

Fics you should be reading: Stroke of Luck, Tic Tac Toe, Dee, Silences, It’s Him, Band-Aid, Peanut Butter and Banana Sandwiches.

@ravengirl94: Twin’s fics are just... Uh, what’s that word? Fan-frigging-tastic. The stories are realistic, perfectly paced, detailed and a perfect mix of fluff and angst and so much sarcasm. 

Fics you should be reading: The Arrangement, Hold On, I’m Coming, Marry Me, This Can’t Be The End.

@atwistoffate: Okay, so this one has such a special place in my heart because I just love everything she writes. Like, if her fics were a man, I’d marry them. She just... She puts such emotion in her stories, love her characters so deeply and it’s...mind-blowing. I can picture myself reading her book while I sip my coffee in my favorite coffee shop, she’s so talented.

Fics you should be reading: Broken (hmm, yeah, it’s gonna break you), Ephemeral (SAME), How One Day Changed Everything, A Song For Your Heart (question: is the title inspired by James Blunt’s song Carry You Home because it reminds me of it so much), I love you too

@torn-and-frayed: Steph’s writing is frigging icredible. First of all, she gets Dean. She sees through his layers, understands and loves and accepts every aspect of him, flawed or not, and that is evident in her work. And then, she just has the most brilliant ideas ever. However. Grab a pack of tissues and some ice cream before diving into her masterlist, you’re gonna need them.

Fics you should be reading: Twist of Fate, Series Rewrite, Daddy’s Little Lovebug, Art Therapy, Little Things, Drugs Don’t Work (still not over that one, tbh)

@lipstickandwhiskey: Lips. I love Lips. Again, her characterization of Dean is 100% on point. Her writing is breath-taking, the things she can do with words mind-blowing and, if I’m being honest, what I admire the most about her fics is how she focuses on the relationship Dean have because they love and respect each other as personalities, without, however, excluding physical attraction. She just doesn’t make it the most important part and, to me, that’s beautiful.

Fics you should be reading: Hold The Line, Tape Hiss, Ferrum Gloria, Balconies, Bright and Warm, Words and Actions

@there-must-be-a-lock: I haven’t had the chance to really dive into the world of Lou’s writing, but I realized, from the very first sentence of hers I read, that she is phenomenal. She has a very unique, very amazing way of writing and going through her entire masterlist is in my bucket list.

Fics you should be reading: Let’s Get Married, Tiger Teeth, Heart of Gold.

@blacktithe7: Much like in Lou’s case, I haven’t had the chance to read as many fics as I want written by this brilliantly talented person. But I have read Erin’s series Forward and all I can say is that she is one magnificent writer. I don’t normally like RPFs for my own reasons, but she wove this story so perfectly and respectfully that it was impossible for me to ignore. A masterpiece, really.

Fics you should be reading: Forward (and I’m sure plenty others, but I have to read them first)

@sixtysevenandwhiskey: Annie’s relatively new when it comes to posting her work, but she is so good. Emotive, on point, detailed and dusted with love for Dean and Sam her fics are the best.

Fics you should be reading: Brother (one of my all time favorites), In The Wind, Stay, I’ve Got You

@masksandtruths: Rae is so amazing with words. So amazing. Her characters are always so well-rounded, she paints Dean’s and Sam’s portraits in depth and she comes up with brilliantly original stories. I was impressed from the very first sentence and I continue to be, every single time.

Fics you should be reading: anagrAMSTERDAM (this one is mind-blowing, I still think about it), Never Normal, This Time Around, Bless Your Heart

@hannahindie: Let me put it this way. Hannah is awesome. She works so hard on her fics and she loves doing so. Her work is beautiful and very different from the usual reader inserts in this site and it gives me a strong Stephen King vibe sometimes (Hannah, I really hope you like the guy, or please, just ignore this). And she gets our boys, you know?

Fics you should be reading: Wake up, Sammy, Love Games, Freaky Friday, Simple Man, If I Could Start Again, Memories, Brother, I’m Right Here, 67′ Chevy (this one is so good it will haunt me until the day I die), The Wedding Singer (a collab series with the amazing @pinknerdpanda. I haven’t had the chance to dive into Amanda’s world yet, but she’s talented and Barcelona and Ain’t No Sunshine are a proof of that).

@sunlightdances: Remember how I say I love it when talented writers nail Dean’s characterization? Well. Katie is definitely one of them. There’s something about her writing I can’t quite put my finger on, that gives it a very specific vibe. When I read her work, I feel like I’m wrapped up in Dean’s arms under my favorite blanket. She captures Dean’s softnesss perfectly, she lights on his rough edges perfectly, she’s just perfect.

 Fics you should be reading:It’s So Clear Now, Now And Then, I Get A Little Lost, Don’t You Forget About Me (the fic that made me fall in love with her writing), Love Laid Down, Loving Everything You Do

@wheresthekillswitch: Lee is another writer I really want to read more closely. She is insanely talented and I could tell that much from the time I read Unspoken. It’s yet another Jensen series and, taking under consideration the fact I do not read RPFs often, you can understand how worth it this is. It’s a beautiful story about love in every shape and form, and fate and friendship and there’s so much love and respect for Jared and Jensen that it warms my heart.

Fics you should be reading: Unspoken  (again, I’m sure plenty others, but I have to read them first, lol)

@imagining-supernatural: Last but not least, the master of original stories and mind-blowing plot twists and angst and fluff and perfection. Aubrey is so frigging talented and you can tell that by reading her stories. Sarcastic and brilliant, every single fic in her masterlist is worth a read.

Fics you should be reading: As It Seems (this one is so perfect and I am going to make a full-lenght post about it at some point), Break Up With Him, You’re Not There (this one still hurts), Down With Me (SO GOOD), Jealous!Dean Imagine

PS. I know I’m forgetting people and fics and, so, I ask all of you to be forgiving. This is just a list on the top of my head, but there are many more writers I love. Hopefully, I’ll be able to make a post about them soon, as well.

Also. Regarding my writing plans I HAVE SO MANY. 

I’m currently working on a new, quite angsty fic ( @torn-and-frayed said you can blame her, lol), featuring demon!Dean. It’s mostly written, so hopefully, I can post it sometime after next week. 

Then, there’s a very fluffy fic coming right after that, in which we see the five times Dean Winchester almost kisses the reader and the one time he actually does.

I’m planning to work on Somewhere Only We Know Part III after that fic is posted. 

A fluffy slash crack-ish drabble (?) based on a prompt sentence by my sunflower @trexrambling is coming right after that and

I’m guessing the next part of Always is next, if everything goes according to plan. And so many more things I want to work on. 

So, that’s it, dear anon. Please forgive my looong reply, I hope I could help. Don’t hesitate to send me another ask if you want something else, I love talking to you, guys

[deeeelightfuldee]

surveyss 019.

1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it? I wish he did.

2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now? oooo, no. that makes me uncomfortable.

3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time? Probably saturday

4. Would you ever smile at a stranger? do it all the time.

5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are? yeahhhhhhhh

6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today? yes. A sweet christmas song that talks about wanting the other person there next to them for Christmas. naturally, I think about Kile. THIS HAS TO GET EASIER.

7. What exactly are you wearing right now? a pair of black shorts. a skin tight pink vneck tshirt. 

8. How often do you listen to music? daily.

9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more? I don’t wear either all that often. Typically shorts.

10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2014? I mean.. its 2021. 

11. Are you a social or an antisocial person? I am easily social but i prefer to be antisocial.

12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’? Hmmm. no

13. What about ‘R’? UUUUhhh no.

14. Can you drive a stick shift? At one point I could, but I don’t think I’d remember how to after all these years. 

15. Do you care if people talk badly about you? No.

16. Are you going out of town soon? Yep! traveling this week out of state.

17. When was the last time you cried? today. 

18. Have you ever told someone you loved them? absolutely. life is just way too short to not say that you love someone.

19. If you could change your eye color, would you? I am fine with my eye color. Though, deep dark brown eyes are crazy beautiful.

20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for? yes

21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having. another day without my best friend. My pool has a leak. 

22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead? i love it.

23. Are you dating the last person you talked to? No.

24. What are you sitting on right now? my bed.

25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you? my friends and I say it.

26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have? boy, lets rub salt in this wound!

27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night? I want to sayyy Charlie or Roger

28. Do you get a lot of colds? no, not usually.

29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from? Hahahaha wow, I couldn’t tell you. I think maybe ON

30. Does anyone hate you? I don’t know. maybe? not really my concern.

31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room? I do not. there would be no need to hide that stuff if I did.

32. Do you like watching scary movies? if I’m with the right people.

33. Do you want your tongue pierced? Not even a little.

34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be? like 17.

35. Did you have a dream last night? yeah. Kile showed up at my house and was pleading for me to talk to him. we drove down a dirt road and parked the car and sat on the hood and stared at the stars and just talked about all the things.

36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them? today

37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years? maybe so.

38. Do you think someone has feelings for you? feelings, sure.

39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? yeah, or so they said

40. Did you have a good day yesterday? yes yesterday was OK.

41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship? no. but I was happy.

42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl? yup

43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you? yeppppppp. 

44. What’s the best part about school? the knowledge you gain and being able to see it all come together.

45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook? I do but I don’t use FB

46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school? I passed notes to my brother, because we were homeschooled.

47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head? oh yes.

48. Were you single over the last summer? i was.

49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago? no, its really not.

50. What are you supposed to be doing right now? Probably laying next to a husband or nursing a baby of mine or something.

51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with? no, hes a little... out there, but no i dont hate him.

52. Are you nice to everyone? pretty much

53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to? 1000000000%. I never planned to like Kile.

54. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat? cheating is just so not a problem on my end. I refuse to get into a relationship with someone if I am not passionate about them. There is no need to cheat. I don’t understand it. If you’re unhappy, leave.

55. Are you good at hiding your feelings? Yes

56. Do you think you like someone? i’m trying not to. 

57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’? yep. a few.

58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys? it doesn’t matter to me. 

59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry? Yes

60. Do you hate anyone? Nah.

61. How’s your heart? It's broken at the moment, but it will repair. it’ll get better. these things always do.

62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about? my assault isn’t the most enjoyable topic. 

63. Have you ever cried over a guy? Yes.

64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now? the other woman.

65. Are your toenails painted pink? No. orange.

66. Will your next kiss be a mistake? that certainly isn’t my plan

67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct? Depends. Personally, I like to know there is emotion. stop the pretending to be a tough guy.

68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public? uhhh, not to my recollection. but they are getting so baggy lately

69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with? sibling probably.

70. How do you look right now? Like I'm going to bed.

71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?" i did.

72. Can you commit to one person? again, not a problem I have. 

73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to? not anymore.

74. Have you ever felt replaced? YEP

75. Did you wake up cranky? No. I woke up heartbroken.

76. Are you a jealous person? I can be.

77. Are relationships ever worth it? Yes, definitely.

78. Anyone you’re giving up on? I’m trying to move on from Kile. It’s not going super smooth yet. But he seems to be losing interest so theres that.

79. Currently wanting to see anyone? “what if we could put our lives on hold and meet somewhere inside of the world? I would meet you. would you meet me? On a park bench, on a skyscrape, on a mountain, oh yeah whatever it takes. I would meet you, would you meet me?” those lyrics speak to me on repeat.

80. Name something you have to do tomorrow? my makeup.

81. Last person you cried in front of? uhhh, i really don’t know. OH sam, for how proud I was of his therapy.

82. Is there someone you will never forget? yeah

83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you? I used to think so. I don’t anymore. He’s watched me be hurt by him and by people hes close to, and didn’t step in. 

84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now? talking

85. Are you over your past? parts 

86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex? when I was growing up yes

87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to? not anymore

88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept? oh boy. that is quite a question. that would make me very happy.

89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in? no way

90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated? uhhhh HAHA one of my friends yes

91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months? Who knows?

92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael? yes. hes amazing

93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew? No. I always thought I’d marry a matthew.

94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going? No.

95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March? I was then

96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive? he is unique. has attractive qualities.

97. Who do you have texts from? no one wants to know that long list.

98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say? i’m not surprised

99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you? I’ve only kissed older than me

100. Who’s in your profile picture with you? only myself

101. Ever kissed under fireworks? no

102. Has anybody ever given you butterflies? Yes.

[wheelingforgod]

Acupuncture - Digging Deeper

Scripture

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.  Isaiah 43:2

In 2015, the year I had my second spinal surgery (making 14-lifetime surgeries), I began another season of "pass through the rivers and walk through the fire" periods. Multiple areas of my body decreased in function and the adjustment and healing time was long. About the time I was adjusting to my new normal, my parents both had prolonged illness and in February 2018, we lost my father.  My mother continues to live with my family. Just 8 months later, in the late summer of 2018, I began battles for my health again when my stomach motility shut down along with loss of additional strength in my right arm.

This verse means a lot to me because it so clearly describes how I feel going through this trial. I'm in the water but yet can breathe because God won't let me drown. The fire is hot but doesn't burn me because I have His protection. It's not easy and in fact, it is extremely difficult to go through these tough times, but with God by my side, He keeps the joy in my heart!!

A Novel Approach for Me!!

If you've read my recent posts on my experiences with alternative/complementary medicine, you know that along with some other things, I'm trying acupuncture. I went into it with limited knowledge, knowing that it is an ancient Chinese art, involves needles and that it proposes to help a variety of ailments. I had no first-hand experience nor did I talk with anyone who had tried it. Due to lack of time (mostly) and the novel notion that going into something "blind" might be a nice experience, I did no prior research. This is WAY out of my comfort zone since I typically research everything to death, lol.

First Blush

Bye Bye Level Ten Pain

After my first two sessions, I started noticing a few things. Most importantly, my pain decreased! Initially, that lasted a day or so but by the third session, I noticed it lasted a bit longer after treatment. Awesome!! This is the primary reason I went in for treatment.

🤢Nausea No More

The intermittent, very annoying nausea I’ve battled for years disappeared! I normally have to start the day with a banana. It was the only food that wouldn’t trigger nausea in the morning. I love eggs and didn’t want to give them up so I ate a banana about 20 minutes prior to breakfast and that worked.

After my second acupuncture session, there was a day that I didn’t have time for both so I just started with eggs and toast, foregoing the banana. Ten minutes passed, then 20, and then the realization that the nausea was not coming!! Wow…what a breath of fresh air. I have been able to continually start with a real breakfast, no longer feeling nausea that has been my companion for years.

😴Sleep Again!

Another BIG win, in my book, is the ability to sleep longer periods, at a much deeper and sounder level. Insomnia is something that has continually progressed since day one of my spinal cord injury. I went from a person who could sleep through a tornado to someone who looked haggard and baggy-eyed.

At my worst, shortly before starting acupuncture, I was only getting hour-long shots of sleep. The most I slept at night was about four hours, broken up into segments. This led to a seemingly endless cycle of periods without good sleep alternating with a crash and burn effect, where my body would just drop for a 10-15 hour daytime nap. Grrr…I’ve always hated day napping as it throws off nighttime sleep, and results in an entire loss of a day! I’m liking the return to more lengthy sleep periods!

😋Appetite

I also noticed that I’ve become a raving maniac in the appetite department. I can’t seem to eat enough, although my weight stays consistent. That’s a good thing since before my GI issues, I carried a bit of extra weight. I told my dietician it was an excruciating, unintentional way to lose 20+ pounds and I had no intention of putting it back on – lol. I tolerate a greater variety of foods and am getting close to normal portion sizes, although I will always keep meals on the smaller side because, well, it’s just healthier for me.

🌞More Energy

Another thing I’ve noticed since starting acupuncture, now having three sessions under my belt, is the increase in energy. This could be a combination of getting more sleep and a decrease in pain level but I wonder…

Let the Research Begin

Focus – Cause, and Effect

After experiencing these improvements, I could contain myself no longer, so I dug into the world of acupuncture. I focused my initial research on a basic overview and how acupuncture is affecting me. After downloading my medical record of the acupuncture treatments and I found, to my excitement, that my provide recorded the “points used” from each treatment session. Yay!! I wanted to know if the treatment correlated with the results. I carefully looked up each acupuncture point used in my treatments, looking to see what condition it targeted. The findings amazed me! But first…a little overview of my scientific, non-documented, informal research.

Brief Summary of General Research

After several days of researching scientific journals and articles, I discovered the following three, frequently encountered, themes regarding Western-based Acupuncture:

There is clear anecdotal evidence that supports the positive outcomes of acupuncture. A huge volume of people discussing their positive experiences exists. While some don’t benefit, I ran into more positives than negatives, in my informal survey. Duration of relief seems to be the biggest variable so many may not find it suitable

Multiple scientific studies conclude that it works, however, no clear consensus tells us why it works. A plethora of highly scientific and technical theories exist, and by far, the most common one endorses the concept of endorphins. The introduction of the needles at specific points stimulates the release of these “feels good”, body generated hormones into the body. The name endorphin comes from the words “endogenous,” which means “from the body,” and “morphine,” which is an opioid pain reliever.

Both in the scientific community and outside, there are those who will never believe acupuncture works.

Overview of Research Specific to Me

After reviewing the acupuncture points, chosen specifically for me, I clearly see a correlation with the relief of symptoms I am getting. This includes pain, nausea, insomnia, inability to tolerate normal quantities of food and appetite. I know this is not a placebo effect because I had no idea my physician was even targeting things like nausea, insomnia, and appetite. I just thought it was a therapy for my chronic pain. I’m realistic and nerdy enough to know that my chronic pain improvement is a combination of many different therapies. Acupuncture plays a role in it but I don’t believe it alone has improved my pain.

The other symptoms, I’m highly convinced, show improvement, largely due to the acupuncture. The timing was too perfect. The pain was the last thing to start consistently being better, so I don’t believe these things improved due to better pain control. Anyone who knows me is aware that I don’t believe in coincidences.

Bottom Line

So why do I think acupuncture seems to be working for me? In my humble opinion, the combination of inserting the needles at the correct place to do their physical thing in the body, along with prayer, and trust in God resulted in the perfect therapy needed for me. While I may pursue research on the different areas acupuncture can target, I will do so from the perspective that even if science doesn’t understand it, the process works.

I do not look at acupuncture as a spiritual thing, although I use the therapy time to talk to God. I do this frequently with my other therapies so He can add His healing touch and walk with me during the tough times.

God gave man the brain and ability to learn things about the human body, much of which we will never fully understand, but from which we can get many benefits. So the bottom line, I will continue to seek growth, strength, and healing through our Lord with all my might! I will embrace the gifts he has given man to help temporarily heal our earthly bodies, including those therapies that show effectiveness, whether science can prove it or not!

______________________________________________________________________

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. James 1:2-3

______________________________________________________________________

Music for the Soul

“Never Been a Moment” written and performed by Micah Tyler

(I do not own the rights to this song or video)

Never Been a Moment (lyrics)

I’ve been a sinner I’ve been a saint A little bit of both every single day I’ve been lost But somehow I’ve been found There’s been some pain Been some regret Been some moments I’ll never forget But when I look back From where I’m standing now

There’s never been a moment I was not held inside your arms And there’s never been a day when you were not who you say you are Yours forever, it don’t matter What I’m walking through ‘Cause no matter where I’m going There’s never been a moment that I was not loved by you Loved by you Loved by you

You’ve been the rock You’ve been the peace Always showing your good heart to me My days are marked by grace I don’t deserve, no You’ve been the price I could never pay You’ve been the light that has led the way No matter where oh I am, I am sure

There’s never been a moment I was not held inside your arms There’s never been a day when you were not who you say you are Yours forever, it don’t matter What I’m walking through ‘Cause no matter where I’m going There’s never been a moment that I was not loved by you Loved by you...Loved by you

So where could I go that I could wander from your sight And where could I run and never leave behind Your all consuming Heart pursuing Grace extending Never-ending love Your love

There’s never been a moment, no There’s never been a moment I was not held inside your arms There’s never been a day when you were not who you say you are Yours forever, it don’t matter What I’m walking through ‘Cause no matter where I’m going There’s never been a moment that I was not loved by oh No matter where I’m going there’s never been a moment that I was not loved by you Loved by you…Loved by you…Loved by you…Loved by you…Loved by you…Loved by you

[hopingfordawn]

Ask thing - 1-150 :*

Now I definitely know that you hate me Alex. :( *sniffles*You keep doing this, just because you know that I’ll do it.Whhhyyyy....

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?Probably my sister about 2 months ago? I can’t remember.2. Are you outgoing or shy?Depends. I am not really shy, but crowds make me extremely anxious. I feel paranoid very often and that prevents me from leaving my apartment. But when I first meet people, they probably think that I am the most outgoing person there is. I don’t know why, I act really happy and outgoing when I meet new people, but that diminishes over the weeks of knowing them. And “the real me” comes out. 3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?My mom this New Years. I haven’t seen her in over half a year and I miss her like crazy. I worry about her.4. Are you easy to get along with?Depends who you ask. I would say yes. In a roommate sort of way, my sister probably hates me. Because she likes to bring people over every single day and I like my privacy and she makes so much noise. She get’s annoyed at me when I even suggest that she could possibly visit them instead sometimes. 5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?There is no one that I currently like romantically. So I can’t answer for that. But my best friend would. (Both of them). One of them already had the misfortune of having to do so. On my first ever time of being drunk (and high at the same time). Also he is smaller than me (at a very tiny 1,60m). I clearly remember him carrying me piggy back style back home. I am very happy to announce, that I do NOT remember throwing up though, that’s a very convenient part of the night to forget.And I will forever be indebted to him, love him with all my heart. He is such a sweetheart. 6. What kind of people are you attracted to?Nice ones. 7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?No. I probably won’t be in a relationship 3 years from now, so 2 months? Naw. 8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?Rami Malek. (I need help) 9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?Not really, but I start giggling like a middle schooler, sooo. 10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?Alex/ Eljot from Tumblr :)Who also is that asswipe who wanted me to answer the whole 150 questions. Thank you. (I love you anyway) 11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?“What could >WE 12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?Fallout Boy - Centuries Sia - I’m In HereMelanie Martinez - Mad HatterHalsey - Hold Me DownImagine Dragons - Believer 13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?Never happened but probably not. 14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?Luck, yes. Miracles? I don’t think so. 15. What good thing happened this summer?Summer is just started for me here, so no update on this. 16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?Hell to the no. 17. Do you think there is life on other planets?It is mathematically impossible for this NOT to be the case. So, yes, I believe in life on other planets. 18. Do you still talk to your first crush?No, he is dead. 19. Do you like bubble baths?Who doesn’t? Give me one person who is honest when they say, they don’t like bubble bath’s. 20. Do you like your neighbors?Nohohohoooo. I have this one neighbor that complained about the way that my sister and I were putting up the curtains. Or that we should stop using the bathroom at night because it kept her from sleeping, we were apparently too loud. 21. What are you bad habits?- When I feel bad or just not up for human interaction I shut myself off from society and ignore messages, calls etc. - I can’t seem to keep down anything I eat. I always end up puking my guts out. 9 years of therapy and I still can’t lose this shit.- When I say I am going to sleep, I actually mean I am going to lie down and read fanfics for the next 3 hours and then go to sleep.- I procrastinate like a professional.- I can’t seem to finish any project that I start. The Jack Frost Staff I made when I was 16 still needs to be painted. That one corset still needs to be redone in the right fabrics. All the fanfics I started and never continued...- more more more more 22. Where would you like to travel?Russia, Japan, China, Iceland, Australia, The Caribbeans, Egypt, Korea, EVERYWHERE 23. Do you have trust issues?Yes. OH Yes. The Problem is, I trust too easy at the beginning, and then I start to mistrust my own judgement and therefore also the person I put my trust in. Because it is impossible for someone to actually want to be faithful to me, right? 24. Favorite part of your daily routine?When I lie back down on my bed and start reading fanfics in a sort of “going to sleep ritual”. 25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?Everything. Really, I often feel like I am stuck in the wrong body. This is my prison. 26. What do you do when you wake up?Roll over, stretch and hope that it is weekend so that I can just stay right there. 27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?Lighter. I guess this is something that stuck with me from my hardcore gothic phase when I was a teenager. I wanted to have white, white skin for the black of my clothes to pop out more, you know? I have this asian undertone in my skin, slightly yellow, and I am slightly darker (latina). and it bugged me as a teenager so badly. I was such an idiot. 28. Who are you most comfortable around?My best friends. Who are sadly not here. One (the guy from the drunk story) is in Chile. And the other in Germany. 29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?I don’t really have ex’s. So I wouldn’t know. But when I was 15, there was this 1 guy that after 3 hours told me I was the love of his life and we kissed and it was horrible and I told him it wouldn’t work out. He made such a scene. I mean he ran away and threatened to jump off a bridge, for a girl that he knew less than a day...And I was so worried at first, but after 2 hours of running after him and searching and finding him on the bridge, I honestly was just mad and said outright that from this point on I didn’t care if he jumped. If he wanted to ruin his life for a girl he didn’t know at all, for an illusion, then be my guest, I am done running after him. Of course he didn’t. Years later I learned, that he still mourned me “leaving him” and wasn’t over me still. Ugh. 30. Do you ever want to get married?Couldn’t answer this yet. Probably? But I don’t want kids, so that might be a problem. 31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?To my waist and I need to cut it. I want it really short. I can’t stand the long hair on myself. I only wear it in a bun anyway. 32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?I don’t see MYSELF in any sexual situation. In every sexual fantasy I have I am always someone else. Sad but true. 33. Spell your name with your chin.sxiusdsdiu 34. Do you play sports? What sports?No. I used to play Baseball and Volleyball. But at the moment nothing. 35. Would you rather live without TV or music?Without TV. That’s what you have the internet for anyway. 36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?My best friend? But I might have kind of indirectly told her? I mean I asked her if she would date me if I was a guy (she is sooo straight). She said no. I cried on the bus on my way home. 37. What do you say during awkward silences?Nothing. I am comfortable with silence. 38. Describe your dream girl/guy?Is also my best friend. When it happens, it happens, I don’t have a heist plan for this. 39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?Media Markt. Gamestop. Amazon. 40. What do you want to do after high school?I am currently studying 3D Animation and after this I would like to do my Masters in the US, and AFTER that my biggest dream would be to work for one of the great Firms: Disney, Dreamworks, Pixar, you get it. 41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?Normally yes, but there are ALWAYS exceptions to that rule. I don’t give a child molester a second chance. I just want to burn them alive. 42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?The person you tried to reach is currently unavailable, please try again later or leave a message after the beep. BEEP. 43. Do you smile at strangers?Sometimes. Sometimes they scare me shitless and I try to avoid eye contact as much as possible, and walk passed them as fast as possible. 44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?Outer space. Chance to see new worlds!

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?Sometimes I just cant get up. But when I do, I just think about what I want to accomplish, about what that day might bring for me. What I might miss if I don’t. 46. What are you paranoid about?When people look at me and I think they see a monster. Do I have something on my face? I don’t see anything irregular in the mirror, but they look at me strangely. Can they read my mind? Do they see right through me? Do they see how bad a person I am? Are they judging me? Can they hear me? 47. Have you ever been high?Yes. 48. Have you ever been drunk?Yes... 49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?In the end it is always about, what I don’t want my family to find out. They think I am completely fine now, but actually I lost this whole week of classes because I was too scared to get out of the apartment. Paranoia and social anxiety made it impossible for me to make a step outside without getting the “fight or flight” sensation, and I am a “flight” person. When I had I had to pay the bills I had a staring contest with the creeper from the other end of the room, and when I was back home I realized hat I was the creeper and not him. Yeah. And my family believes that I have my eating disorder under control. Nope, it’s getting worse. Again. 50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?Black. 51. Ever wished you were someone else?Every single second of my life. 52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?My Gender for example. 53. Favourite makeup brand?Maybeline New York. 54. Favourite store?Didn’t we already have this question? Amazon.com 55. Favourite blog?You all are cuties, how can you put me in such a position? 56. Favourite colour?Purple, Blue, Blood Red, Green, Black (although it is not a colour) 57. Favourite food? I like almost anything... Lasagna maybe? 58. Last thing you ate?A sweet bread bun. 59. First thing you ate this morning?Haven’t eaten anything yet. Does the milk in my coffee count? Or the pills? 60. Ever won a competition? For what?Writing competition in High School. Wasn’t the first place but I won a prize? 61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?Passing notes in middle school. Send home for 2 days. I was scared shitless to tell my mom. 62. Been arrested? For what?No. 63. Ever been in love? 2 times. First time he ended up dying. Second time she ended up not returning my affections. 64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?I was on a weekend leave from the psychiatric ward at the time (for trying to commit suicide) and my first love had basically just died and I felt unlovable and worthless and yeah well. This guy at the birthday party of my cousin fell in “love with me” after 3 hours. He kissed me. It sucked. I told him it wouldn’t work out.  The whole story is above. 65. Are you hungry right now?No. 66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?I don’t have real friends where I live, so in that way, yes. More than my best friends, no? But I love my tumblr friends differently, in some ways more, yes. Because I am able to express myself more openly and talk about things I wouldn’t be able to talk to with my best friends who I know would be uncomfortable with it and would start treating me differently. 67. Facebook or Twitter?None. 68. Twitter or Tumblr?Tumblr 69. Are you watching tv right now?No 70. Names of your bestfriends? Nicolas and Lisa. 71. Craving something? What?A hug. Cuddling while watching a TV show and talking at the TV screen together. 72. What colour are your towels?All have a different colour and variety. 72. How many pillows do you sleep with?2 73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?Oh yes. 2 huge bears, one in each arm, and a small Bunny I had since I was born. 74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?No idea. 75. Favourite animal?I love all animals equally. But at the moment I think Owls are especially neat, as are polar foxes. 76. What colour is your underwear?Not wearing any right now, still in my pajamas. 77. Chocolate or Vanilla?Chocolate. 78. Favourite ice cream flavour?Chocolate with chocolate chunks an caramel sauce. 79. What colour shirt are you wearing?Grey 80. What colour pants?Dark blue 81. Favourite tv show?Mr. Robot 82. Favourite movie?I couldn’t say, sorry. But I really like Spider-man Homecoming. 83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?The first one of course. 84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?I haven’t seen 21 Jump Street so I have to go with the former. 85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?The Ditzy Girl with the Weather Prophecy Boobs. 86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?Dory 87. First person you talked to today?No one 88. Last person you talked to today?No one, but it is only Noon 89. Name a person you hate?I don’t hate, I mean pure hate, I dislike. I strongly dislike my father and how he is acting, I very strongly dislike the new girlfriend he has who I believe is manipulating him while he is still married and making the life of my mother hell. And if this strong dislike can be counted as hate, then yes, I hate my father and this woman. But I also will always love my father at the same time. 90. Name a person you love?My mother. 91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?My father. 92. In a fight with someone?Not that I am aware of. 93. How many sweatpants do you have?Only 1. I have to buy clothes but I don’t want to go shopping alone. 94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?3. I repeat myself. I do the laundry very often. 95. Last movie you watched?Spider-Man: Homecoming. It was a blast. 96. Favourite actress?Jennifer Lawrence. 97. Favourite actor?Rami Malek 98. Do you tan a lot?I tan very easily but try to avoid it as much as possible. 99. Have any pets?2 very ungrateful but lovely cats. 100. How are you feeling?I don’t know. 101. Do you type fast?I think so. But I am not sure. 102. Do you regret anything from your past?Too much. But I guess everyone regrets something. 103. Can you spell well?I think so? I sure hope so! 104. Do you miss anyone from your past?My first love. My grandmother who was also my second mother. I called her mom, she raised me since I was born. She was probably more my mother, than my actual mother and that pains me to say. 105. Ever been to a bonfire party?No 106. Ever broken someone’s heart?Whoo, story from above 107. Have you ever been on a horse?Sadly, no 108. What should you be doing?I should be drawing a Story board, working on my 3D Model of the Iron Man Suit and clean the apartment. 109. Is something irritating you right now?My allergy. 110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?Yes. 111. Do you have trust issues?This question already existed. 112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?My Ethics Class Professor who is also a Psychologist. 113. What was your childhood nickname?I only had mean nicknames. Like Sissi-pissy 114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?Yes. I was born in Germany (Baden Württemberg), I have been to Spain, France, Switzerland, The Czech Republic, Austria, Chile, Peru. I have had the chance to travel a bit in my life. 115. Do you play the Wii?I have played about 3 times on a Wii console. 116. Are you listening to music right now?No. I am concentrating. 117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?Who doesn’t? 118. Do you like Chinese food?Again. Who doesn’t? 119. Favourite book?I love the Harry Potter Book Series. Still waiting for my letter to arrive. It just got lost, I know it. 120. Are you afraid of the dark?Not necessarily. I am afraid of what might be hiding in it. 121. Are you mean?I don’t think so. But I guess I can be mean sometimes, like everybody. But I try my best to be nice. Everyone deserve to be treated nicely. 122. Is cheating ever okay?No. NEVER. If someone were to cheat on me I would end the relationship. Because I wouldn’t trust them anymore, and a relationship doesn’t work without trust. And obviously I didn’t mean enough to them to be faithful to me. 123. Can you keep white shoes clean?No. 124. Do you believe in love at first sight?No. Attraction at first sight, yes. But love is more than just looks. 125. Do you believe in true love?I don’t know. It’s a nice thought. 126. Are you currently bored?Not at this moment, no. 127. What makes you happy?Hanging out with good friends and just being stupid together. 128. Would you change your name?Yes. If I could change my gender and body I would totally change my name. 129. What your zodiac sign?Gemini. 130. Do you like subway?I don’t dislike it, but I don’t go out of my way to eat there. I can get a sandwich everywhere? 131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?I don’t return the sentiment I will let them know that I am flattered and that they mean a lot to me, but that I sadly do not return this type of emotions. That them telling me this did not change the way I think of them, but I would understand if they need some space for a while. 132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?Alex, Eljot. From Tumblr. Didn’t we have this question already? 133. Favourite lyrics right now?Clipped wings, I was a broken thingHad a voice, had a voice but I could not singYou would wind me downI struggled on the groundSo lost, the line had been crossedHad a voice, had a voice but I could not talkYou held me downI struggle to fly now- Sia - Bird Set Free 134. Can you count to one million?I could, but do I want to? No 135. Dumbest lie you ever told?“It wasn’t me!” - While holding the evidence right in my tiny little hands (5 year old self) 136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?Closed. Open Doors make me really uncomfortable. 137. How tall are you?1,64 m 138. Curly or Straight hair?Curly 139. Brunette or Blonde?Brunette 140. Summer or Winter?Winter 141. Night or Day?Night 142. Favourite month?December 143. Are you a vegetarian?No. But I was once a vegetarian for a year. 144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?Dark 145. Tea or Coffee?Coffee 146. Was today a good day?The day just began! 147. Mars or Snickers?Snickers 148. What’s your favourite quote?“And if you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will also gaze into you.” - Friedrich Nietzsche 149. Do you believe in ghosts?Yes 150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? (via catscuddlingandyou)    DerechoProcesal Penal 1“Quienes intervienen en la audience deben expresar a viva voz sus pensamientos.” - El Principio de Oralidad            

[evakfanficsrecs]

EVAK FANFICS RECS / PART 9

ONESHOTS:

Please Know That I'm Yours to Keep by pressurerin ★ Summary: Hogwarts!au; "Remember how I was making amortentia for my final potions project? Well, Isak ate some. And now…” Even gestured towards the way Isak was currently trying to lick his neck. OR; Even accidentally gives Isak a love potion.

I Guess I'm Floating by overestless Summary: Living with Isak causes Even to discover some of his habits.

all things soft and beautiful and bright by anathema (azirapha1e) Summary: Isak should've known it was a bad idea from the second he saw the Pinterest recipe, but - Well. He's never claimed to be any good at saying no to Even.

MORE UNDER THE CUT

think of how you found me, found me in those arms (so large and dark and holding on) by isakbechnaesheim Summary: Isak and Even spend some time in the closet together. 

isak x even | the do-over by WritenStuff Summary: Isak and Even find themselves at the house warming party that neither of them particularly wanted when that song comes on. 

Curtains, Posters, and Cream by BraveKate Summary: Isak thinks their new place is cursed. There are curtains.

Come What May by i_once_wrote_a_dream Summary: He can’t help that little thought, that insecurity from niggling in the back of his mind. That face that he’s seen before. Seeing again. The previous man of my life. And now he’s back. Sana knows him, and he’s wondering what that means. For them. For him. Alternatively, my take on what happens after today's clip (2:10:3).

Good Grades by XioNin Summary: What might have happened after today's clip (2:10:3). Isak tries to study, but even when they're apart Even is a distraction.

you're intertwining your soul with somebody else by cosetties ★ Summary: roomates!au; Isak's roommate is probably homophobic, or whatever, but that doesn't stop his crush from forming.

isak x even | a place of our own by WritenStuff Summary: “It’s ours,” Even repeated, the corners of his lips drawing into a wide smile. “Our own place.”

i don't mind, we have such a good time, my best friend by hippopotamus ★ Summary: childhood friends!au; “Isak, I need you to kiss me.” Isak would be lying if he said the words didn’t make his heart thump loudly in his chest for a moment. At least, they do before he remembers who it is that he’s talking to.

Breathe Me by colazitron Summary: Isak and Even shotgun.

open the pod bay doors by iriswests ★ Summary: Even's trying to write a script for his class, Isak happens to catch a glimpse of the shit show, and they fall in love over a story of parallel universes.

Silence Your Phone by faerieswing Summary: Short fluffy scene that takes place the evening after the "Onsdag 19.04.17 12:06" clip from the biology classroom, once Isak gets home from studying. Kissing and cuteness ensues.

Golden by Aceteroid Summary: Their first meeting takes place at the hair dresser. Even really doesn't think Isak should cut his S3 hair.

stay here and hold you by hippopotamus Summary: Isak comforts Even after he bumps into old friends at a party.

wasted on this feeling by bbyfruit Summary: He’s got a good grade in biology, he’s got his own place that’s full of light, and he’s got a boy with a pencil threaded between his long fingers and graphite smudged across his face.

behind the curtain, in the pantomime by dahlstrom ★ Summary: Basically, Isak is just never going to speak to any of his friends for the rest of his life. Which shouldn’t be too difficult, since he’s pretty sure he’ll be spending eternity in this auditorium surrounded by these screeching revue nerds, what feels like a thousand of them. This is it, this is his own personal hell.

The things you discover when loving Even Bech Naesheim by odair_goes_my_sanity ★ Summary: He needs you. You just being with him, not judging him and trying to understand is enough for him. Don't be scared for him, he has enough fear of his own, be his brightness and his clarity and his knowledge that he is so much more than this and his life is a wonderful, beautiful thing that he should never feel ashamed of. (Or: The things Isak discovers when falling in love with Even)

the region of the summer stars by thekardemomme ★ Summary: flower shop!au; Someone keeps sending Isak flower bouquets and Even happens to work in a flower shop.

Watching Over You by lavishsqualor Summary: In which Even knows exactly how to loosen his boy up.

so you play it wild by birthmarks ★ Summary: Isak is dirty. Isak is shameless. Isak is possessive. Or: before, during, and after Isak and Even made out at school on Wednesday.

take me back, to the night we met by EvenbechNeiheim Summary: It's 2 am, they saw 13 reasons why and they dance in their own kitchen while forgetting about the world.

living life gets hard to do by colazitron Summary: Isak and Even have been living together for two and a half months now, and things aren't as rosy anymore. But still good. Always good. (They're getting better at talking about things.)

Valhalla and Nirvana by verlore_poplap Summary: So there's this box and Even finds it and there's something inside it that Isak gets all shy and embarrassed about... any guesses what it is?

Puppy Love by skambition Summary: “Babe”, Isak put his hand on Even’s cheek, stroking it softly, “we can’t get a dog. Be realistic. You may have time now, but when you’re working on another movie, you’re basically not home at all. I can’t take care of a dog. You know me, I can barely feed myself!” Somewhere in the future, Even convinces Isak to adopt a puppy.

The only thing keeping me on fire by diamondjacket ★ Summary: massage therapy!au; This guy—this profoundly, unfairly, deeply good-looking guy—is going to...put his hands on Isak? On his thigh? And, like...move them around? Listen, he’s just starting to maybe, possibly come close to beginning to acknowledge that he might not be one hundred percent heterosexual, all of the time. It’s slow going—okay, fine, it’s borderline glacial—but he’s getting there. He didn’t need this today. Or: Isak’s doctor tells him to get a massage. Even delivers…and then some.

stayin' alive by bellaciao Summary: isakyaki starts a live video on instagram in their new flat.

i couldn't love you any better by thekardemomme Summary: deaf!Isak; Isak and Even always say “I love you” out loud, although Isak can't actually hear it.

Good morning Snowflake by E_Box Summary: Their first morning in their new apartment. Isak is just really happy so he goes buy themselves breakfast.

The Sleepless Night by bri_ness Summary: It's their first night in their first apartment, but Isak and Even can't sleep.

Like magnets do by littlemovie (Lejla) ★ Summary: In which Isak and Sana are study buddies, Yousef can't stop looking at Sana and Even is the prettiest boy Isak has ever seen.

In another life, my dear, by HeartbeatsAreMySymphony Summary: soulmates!au & childhood friends!au; They fell into the same rhythm as before, though this time, it was more boisterous: passionate. It was a secret they kept to themselves, and a part of Isak reveled in that: to have a world that belonged to only Even and himself. And, maybe, he was selfish— taking Even for himself when they both belonged to others. But it felt oh so right, that the guilt never lasted more than the length of his eyes flickering down to his wrist, then back to Even.

Hjem by XioNin Summary: All Even wants is his home. 

I'll give you the brightest sunshine by iheartpeterhale Summary: It was something that they new would always happen, a life being brought into their lives that would make all the gloomy days into something so bright.

Sign of Love by Skamtrash Summary: deaf!Isak; Even and Isak navigating Isak's deafness in their newfound relationship.

home has always been with you by withoutwords Summary: Isak finally caught on, spluttering around his coffee, “Wait, you want to move in with me?” Even had laughed about it for a long time.

The Common Factor by hannastigenius Summary: Isak is sappy and ponders over the changes his life has seen since he met Even as they move in together.

intertwined by quiteyet Summary: If you asked Even and Isak what it was like to be in love with each other, this would be it.

there's no one else i would rather do this with by jungdok ★ Summary: 3 times Isak pushes someone away, and one time he doesn't.

I can't talk to you about it (not yet) by neomaxizoomdweebie Summary: Do you know how much your love weighs, Even?

As long as we’re together by boxesofflowers & Eeyoreneedsahug Summary: Isak and Even move in together. Good thing they like each other because their apartment is shit. Also, Isak doesn’t know how to use a payphone (that might just be because it’s broken).

“I brought kittens” by hippopotamus Summary: “I brought kittens” is the first thing that Sana says when she arrives at Isak and Even’s apartment.

Serve You Long by eiqhties Summary: Sana would be the first to admit that recently it’s all been starting to get to her. It’s how she ended up visiting Isak and Even in their new flat in the first place; finally giving in to Isak’s increasingly desperate pleas for her to revise with him. (Sana’s POV)

asshole by antokilljoy Summary: You caught me filling a very inappropriate coloring book but somehow ended up lending me your sharpies instead of running the other way and I think I might be in love with you Or: Isak and Even meet on a train.

Plane by Aceteroid Summary: Even, the flight attendant, and Isak, the pilot, both work at the same airline. After a flight from NY to Paris things are heating up between them.

(Not so) Public Displays of Affection by radiantarrow Summary: Jonas would like to be grossed out at how in love they are, but he can’t. Isak spends the rest of the night curled around Even’s chest, still animatedly debating with Magnus over some stupid topic while playing with Even’s hands. Or his hoodie string. Or his sleeve. Anything he can get his hands on, really. Or, five times Isak was comfortable with PDA around his friends, and the one time he was comfortable with it in public.

he'll never walk away by thekardemomme Summary: parenthood!au; “Tell him to join the fucking club. I’ll make t-shirts if I get enough members. The Fuck Isak’s Shitty Father Club, meetings every Wednesday.”

CHAPTERED:

Curiosity Killed the Cat by 21in_a_parallel_universe21 Summary: An AU where Even is a intern at a veterinary clinic and Isak has a grumpy, sick cat.

Beauty and the Beast by Masterless ✓ Summary: Beauty and the Beast!au; Isak finds himself in the clutches of a horrid beast, trapped inside a castle, lonely. When he thinks all is doomed, he finds love in a strange place.

Checking From Behind by DickAnderton Summary: HateToLove!au; Isak is to captain his hockey team this season which means he has to somehow learn to cooperate with the newest addition to their team: Even Bech Næsheim. This proofs to be impossible, especially when nothing about Even's mysterious transfer adds up and his moods are just too frustrating.

super rich kids by koolranchkidz ★ Summary: The van was parked on the side of the empty city street, next to an apartment building. The sun had begun to peek out from behind the horizon and the streetlight had been turned off for the past ten minutes. Even heard Jonas grunt, “Fucking finally! Jesus-” from the front seat. He turned to face the other car window and froze in his spot at the sight. He saw a boy coming down the apartment stairwell lugging an over-packed, black suitcase lazily behind him with one hand. In his other hand, the boy was holding a cup of KB coffee with drips of brown down the sides. He couldn’t make out the boy’s face from that far away, but going by his body language, Even could tell he was exhausted. Or: In which Jonas is rich as fuck and takes The Boysquad™ to the Bahamas after graduation, and many, many things happen.

In my pocket by Greenteafrappuccino & swang40 Summary: After Even bought an action figure, a cute boy with snapback, from toy store last Saturday, weird things started to happen. His food kept missing and his bio homework was always done for him in the morning.

maybe i'll get drunk by hippopotamus ✓ Summary: Theres a really hot third year around, and the only way Isak knows to deal with it is alcohol.

Pizza my Heart by sunshine_evak Summary: HateToLove!au; How a pizza delivery boy and a guy who never tips end up falling in love.

Living With the Uncertainty by kitsunechikyu Summary: soulmates!au & coffee shop!au; "Despite Jonas’ insistence that finding your soulmate was all a part of the capitalist agenda, Isak secretly liked the possibility of having someone made especially for you; two halves of one whole searching for each other across time and space. It might have been a little sappy, and not usually his style --- he was going to be a micro-biologist after all --- but he couldn’t help but hope that he’d find his someday." Or, Isak is just barely dragging through himself through life and Even is the cute barista that works at the local coffee shop. 

Don't know what I was waiting for by alwaysevak Summary: HateToLove!au; Even stares a lot, Magnus thinks he's the sun and Isak just wants everyone to know he's an ass. 

Driving Me Wild by Skamtrash ✓ Summary: Isak is not gay and he doesn't have a thing for that guy Even at Bakka. That's not him. He has money and he has standards. He would never. Except he does.

The Only Way Up is Believing in Never Looking Down by hopefuldelusion Summary: HateToLove!au; Isak never wanted to work with Even, but maybe it really was the best thing for the both of them. Or: AU where Isak and Even are both actors and have heard rumors about each other but don't actually know much about the other person and are forced to play opposite in a film. 

I've Got Issues. by tarjeisandvikmo Summary: Isak doesn't know who he is, or what he is. But he hates it. All he wants is to FEEL, like Jonas or Magnus, or anyone. But he is numb, he is so far gone that he doesn't even feel that he is hiding anymore. Maybe he is simply non-existent. But he will change himself, if it is the last thing he does. I've got issues, but you've got them too. So give them all to me and i'll give mine to you. I've got issues, and one of them is how bad I need you. Or, the AU in which Isak is not very accepting of himself, at all. He is even more awkward and shy and angsty than in the original, can you believe it?

Ghosts by FiftyShadesOfStyles (Millskitty) Summary: 2017 marks Even Bech Næsheim's last year of high school and, if he wants to be admitted in NYU, he needs to blow everyone's mind with his play. The boy's schedule will only get busier as graduation arrives but, that won't stop Even from dedicating his whole self to his school. Juggling between finals, college applications, running the art department, writing the art section in the school's journal and setting up a full play, how will the boy find time for his future love interest?

I place the sky within your eyes by LaStrega ✓ Summary: magic!au; Even just wanted to buy some nice candles. In hindsight, this is all Sana's fault. Or, how Even met a boy who could spin galaxies from his fingertips and how Isak learned that not only magical beings can turn your world upside down.

Didn't See This Coming by givemesumaurgravy Summary: sugar daddy!au; Isak is behind on his rent again and Eskild has the bright idea to sign him up for a Sugar Daddy dating website.

By Far More Lucent by Everlarked ✓ Summary: Even is 19 years old when he changes high school. He failed his senior year due to mental health problems. This is also the reason why he goes to a new school. His girlfriend, Sonja, did finish high school and she's taking a year off to wait for him to finish, too. So that they can go to university together next year. But on his first day in his new school he sees someone. And that someone changes everything.    

Wrong Place, Right Time by VictoriaSmith ★ Summary: wrong number!au; Isak always lived the same normal day, never being any change. That is until the attractive third year Even Bech Næsheim sent him a random text. 

All Your Colors Start To Burn by CouldBeBlue Summary: “You want me to model naked for your friend’s class?” Eskild claps his hands, “Yes! That’s exactly what it is!” (Alternatively, Isak is behind on his rent and ends up being the nude model for UiO's art class. Even happens to be a student.)

I feel it when you look at me by photographer_of_thoughts ✓ Summary: "Did you hear about the new guy?" Jonas asked, motioning over to the other side of the cafeteria. Isak looked up and became rather breathless at the sight of the tall, blonde, and totally gorgeous boy wearing sunglasses. Wait. Sunglasses? Inside? "Must suck to be the new transfer and blind. I hope someone is helping him find all his classes." Or, Isak and Even learn to see each other.

Knock Four Times by folerdetdufoler Summary: uni!au; Isak is a senior in college, studying at a university in America. He lives in an apartment on campus with three other guys and works part-time in the student center to help with his tuition. As much as he’s enjoyed the whole college experience, he’s ready to graduate and head back to Oslo, to his city, his family, and his boyfriend .But then, during the first week of his last semester, he steps off the elevator onto his floor and sees a guy sitting in the empty hallway. Isak walks over to see if he needs help with something, and finds out three very important things: his name is Even, he just moved into the building but already got locked out, and he is fucking gorgeous.

( ★ - personal favorites | ✓ - completed fics)

[burger-louise]

Okay so @gloonboys tagged me in a thing but I already did the thing and I’m bad at coming up with questions and I’ve already tagged everyone I know so here are my answers to Erika’s two sets of questions :-) I will put em under the cut bc there is a lot to read through...

1: cats or dogs?  DOGS DOGS DOGS im a dog person

2: whats the last text you sent? “yes my son is not okay” (about Will Byers, obviously)

3: what are some of your favorite lyrics? “I’m a walking travesty, but I’m smiling at everything” - Therapy, All Time Low “Everything stays, but it still changes, ever so slightly, daily and nightly, in little ways” - Everything Stays, Marceline (from Adventure Time)

4: last song you listened to? I don’t actualy remember but I think it was Backseat Serenade

 5: hot or cold weather? why? I honestly prefer colder weather... except when going to school bc they won’t let us bundle up bc it’s “not part of school uniform” augh

6: your life is now a movie! pick ONE song to be on your soundtrack! Ground Control by All Time Low!!

7: if you could learn ANY instrument which one would you learn? The drums. I already know piano and guitar so drums would be fun to try

8: if you had been given the chance to go to space would you? Hell fucking yes

9: do you think time is real?  To quote my bird friend from DHMIS, “Time is a concept of human perception”

 10: if you could only listen to one band/solo artist for the rest of your life which one would it be? tbh All Time Low

11: whats one song that means a lot to you? Young Volcanoes - Fall Out Boy

Aaaaaand set two!

1: if you could forget one thing what would it be? I think a majority of last year tbh... last year was just a bad year for me


2: opinion on politics? Don’t care for it that much honestly. I mean I know enough to talk about the “big things” but it’s not something I worry/think about often.


3: one thing you wish you could redo? High school as a whole?


4: one thing you regret?
 Not working harder from the beginning... I slipped so quickly and now I find it so fucking hard to keep motivated

5: what’s a song that makes you feel like you’re at home?
 Goner - Twenty One Pilots

6: is there any musician/band (dead or alive, still together or broken up) that you would like to see in concert? All Time Low honestly


7: give us a band rec!
 Of Monsters and Men!!

8: are you missing anyone? Nope


9: if you could meet anyone who would you meet?
 Stan Lee, a true icon and a cool dude

10: would you change something about yourself if it would make someone happy?
 Look, I would probably answer no but honestly sometimes I do it? Like, I will do things because other people say so, even if I don’t particularly want to?? idk if that’s changing myself though... I don’t think I’ve ever gone that far...

11: books or movies? Movies, I am definitely more of a movie person.

[dinosaursindisarray]

Okay so, massive trigger warning on this post? I’ll be putting specific trigger warnings under the cut. Some stuff that happened today just before and in therapy.

TW: trauma memories, abuse memories, triggers, physical abuse?, sexual abuse, child abuse, drug mention?

So today went well overall, and I’ll make another post about that later, but I’m supposed to write this down before I forget it, and I’m supposed to try and stick with it to like, heal from it and stuff so.

On the way to therapy, I was just relaxing and listening to music, random songs rather than like, a playlist. And I was letting my mind wander, I guess, like I wasn’t thinking of much other than vaguely what I might talk about with S, my therapist that day.

A nurse from my care team was supposed to visit my house earlier, but never came, and I was thinking about that. I was thinking about how earlier, I had been considering what I would tell her when she came, like, I wasn’t sure what she was gonna be there for or do, but I wanted to bring up my knees, because they’ve been pretty bad lately. I have what one doctor vaguely looked at and labelled ‘arthritis’ in both knees, and if they’re bent for too long or straight for too long, they ache and crack and creak and get weak. So I wanted to talk to the nurse about that. Being in the car the way I was was making them sore too, so it was on my mind.

And the nurse is from the care team, which I had also seen earlier that morning, so I was thinking about the care team. In my first meeting from the care team, I had mentioned my trouble with my knees, and J had spoken up. “Maybe it’s an alter or something? Feeling pain there and that’s why?” And I hadn’t considered that before.

So my knees were hurting and the window was cracked, which I try and avoid in the car when my hair is down because it blows everywhere and gets tangled. And I thought to just before leaving the house, how I considered putting my hair in a ponytail but decided not to. And I was thinking of what I was going to talk to my therapist about at the same time, and how there was a ‘new’ alter out yesterday and that made me think of Maxx, for some reason? And I thought about how Maxx hates ponytails, like, he’ll rip them out if he comes out and the body’s hair is up. Little Max hates them too.

And I thought about how angry Maxx gets with them and how Little Max gets angry but like, frightened angry, in his way of ‘I’m scared and trying not to be so I’m being angry to cover up how scared I am.’ And how when I was first starting to get to know Maxx, when asked by me/my friends why he was so anti-ponytail, he said he hated long hair but also that they were stupid because ‘people can grab you by them’. And how later, as Little Max came out of dormancy and certain things were uncovered, his hatred of ponytails became linked to a very specific incident of abuse that had happened. 

And I thought about how Ser, introject of that abuser, had punished Little Max one time by forcing him to wear the body’s hair in a ponytail and listen to a trigger song while they were cocon, in order to terrorize him. And I thought about who Ser was said to represent, and things Little Max had said and implied and various vague facts I’ve been told but don’t remember myself. How Ser had said at some point something about controlling Little Max by the ponytail.

And this whole thing only took like, a minute, the brain was like, putting all these things together automatically. When I say ‘I thought’, I don’t mean I consciously tried to think of that thing, it just came up, connected to the previous thing.

And I think part of it was the song that was playing. It was Sober, by Pink, and the feel of the song and especially the chorus (’I’m safe, up high, nothing can touch me’) gave me a feeling I couldn’t recognize. But it felt familiar.

And it felt sort of like things... sliding together, like puzzle pieces. And I just got this image, sort of. Part first person, part third person.

First person, it was just darkness and sickness and thinking ‘my knees really hurt’, and knowing that I couldn’t move them. Distant... panic, I guess? At knowing I was actively in pain/uncomfortable but unable to DO anything about it. I couldn’t feel my knees normally, I was too out of it, but I was vaguely aware that they hurt and it was upsetting. I think I wanted to lay down, but couldn’t.

Third person, it was like I was standing up and to the left of myself, looking down at this... like, silhouette of me. I couldn’t make out details, but certain things stood out. The other me was on my knees, and someone to the right of me was holding me up by my ponytail with a big hand. I couldn’t see them, it was just darkness, a disembodied hand holding me up. I think I was only seeing the hand as a visual representation of how it felt. I was otherwise limp, and I couldn’t see/feel my arms, but the sensation of falling kept coming, without me actually falling. Just like, dizziness and stuff.  Like, if they hadn’t been holding me up by my hair, I wouldn’t have been able to keep myself up. I thought back to the flashback I had recently where I felt drugged, and the falling feeling was similar.

By this point, the song was ending, and we were almost to my therapy office. I was really dissociated, and must have looked awful, because my mom asked if I was alright or something and if I wanted her to come in. I said no, and all I could think about was how I was going to cancel the appointment. I didn’t want to talk today, I couldn’t talk, I didn’t want to have the session. Maybe we could watch videos or something instead. 

But once I got in there, I sat on the couch and hid under the extra pillows, and curled up, and when S came in, I was already tearing up and trying not to panic. She asked who I was and I said Month, and she said that someone else, a smol, had texted her last night, asked if I knew about it. I said no, and she began to explain, but stopped and said I looked... some way, like someone else was around with me or something was wrong. She said I wasn’t in trouble for the text, and I nodded, and she asked if that’s what I was upset about, and I shook my head. She said I looked scared and asked if I was, and I said yes, and she asked about what, and I tried to explain that everything had been FINE until about, 10 minutes ago maybe, and that now I didn’t want to talk. I knew she needed to know and could help, but I felt like I couldn’t talk about it and was having a bad time.

And like, eventually through talking a bit, I was about to explain the puzzle pieces and everything in a roundabout way. And eventually she asked what I thought it was, and I said I figured it was from this series of abuse that I went through, cause I could like, see myself in relation to that living room couch? Plus the thing about Ser and being an introject and stuff. And we got on the subject of like, what I think happened, and I was like, I have no idea, cause the second my brain put this together, it’s been screaming at me that it didn’t actually happen, but I also feel like shit physically and am about 2 steps away from switching or having a panic attack, so it’s like, if this is a fake memory, my brain is a bigger jerk than I thought??

I’ve completely lost my train of thought and am honestly fine with that in this situation, so I guess that’s it. I’ll write about the other stuff that happened later.

[not-poignant]

This might be a little personal but do you have any tips on how to deal with bad days? I've been struggling with depressive episodes lately being so tired I can't get shit done.

Hiya anon,

Depressive episodes area the worst. I don’t know if I have any real tips, since the thing that helped me most with my depressive episodes were an effective anti-depressant (and I struggled for like 20 years for one of those, since most anti-depressants are ineffective when I take them). And then therapy. And obviously both of those things aren’t actually possible to access for everyone. (And caveat that if you’re feeling suicidal in an actionable way, please call a helpline / hospital or similar, because you shouldn’t have to deal with that level of anguish alone and without professionals).

(Content warning for under the read more: aside from frank discussion of depression and suicidal ideation, I also mention self-harm briefly).

Otherwise... idk, I’ve actually been doing a Chronic Conditions management course lately, over the past few months. And it’s been pretty helpful when looking at the psychological effects of living with chronic illnesses (basically people who have chronic illnesses are way more likely to have anxiety and/or depression, but obviously trying to deal with either of those things when you have chronic illnesses in the first place is really hard).

One of the things I found really interesting, were the underarousal/overarousal cycle, which none of my doctors had ever taught me about before. Underarousal, which leads to depression and depressive episodes is a self fulfilling cycle. Meaning that, if you don’t gently do the opposite of ‘nothing’ you will eventually just get worse and worse. It doesn’t tend to just go away on its own.

However most people think the opposite of nothing is like... too much. Even if they plan for nice things, it’s still too much.

This course has been pretty clear that you have to start small, like... try and do a pleasurable thing a day. That pleasurable thing could be making a cup of tea. That’s it. Not like, writing a book, or making music, or whatever. Just...make some tea. Or coffee. Get up and boil a kettle and put some stuff in it and go lie down again and sip at it and focus on its warmth in your hands and the way it tastes and how it feels to know you did that for yourself. Just...try and do a pleasurable thing every day. It doesn’t even have to feel pleasurable in the moment, it just has to be something that you would have experienced as pleasurable pre-depression.

And if you’re feeling especially daring, try three pleasurable things a day. A whole three!

Anyway, this is just one method of a thousand, but what was most radical to me about it, was that these professors and so forth who are running the course made sure that in an underarousal/depressive cycle, the emphasis is on pleasurable activities and not just ‘activities’ (they do suggest light physical activity at some point, but reiterate over and over again that too many people tend to do too much too soon, and the most important thing is to start little, and to be as consistent as possible, and also patient with yourself when it’s not consistent and to keep trying).

The other thing they suggest is a list of pleasurable things for good days, and a list of pleasurable things for bad days (that shouldn’t have been as shocking to me as it is, but I’d never actually considered this before). So on good days, writing 1000 words, making a playlist, going for a walk, all things I can manage. On bad days, none of them are: but I can probably make a single cup of tea, I might be able to shower, and there’s a chance I can sit outside with an apple and eat it. And telling myself I’m doing these things to help myself feel better again, is actually way more helpful than just making myself a cup of tea mindlessly and not thinking about it.

I mean you don’t feel like doing anything, anon, I feel that, but you took the time to write this message. That’s a big deal. Tbh, it’s one of the things that would count as a valid ‘activity’ in this course. And it would count as a big thing, and not a small one.

As for me, idk, I have like... a vague list of things I like to do when I’m depressed, or things are bad. And also a list of things I try not to indulge. My list might not help you, but I do know that...trying to stick to a regular sleep schedule for me was important, because I have quite severe hypersomnia alternating with insomnia, meaning I can sleep a lot all the time, and then not at all, all the time. And it fucks me up. So now I try and wake up at 9.00am every morning regardless, and then nap once in the afternoon (my chronic illnesses won’t let me stay awake for a while day). Scheduling the nap helps because it gives me something to look forward to if I’m having a ‘tired day.’

Other things are like...trying to get out of my head a bit. I do some OBOD study (Druidry study) because researching about magic and nature sometimes gives me tiny bursts of energy that allow me to think ‘maybe life isn’t so bad’ (i.e. that’s what I do with that tiny burst of energy but sometimes that’s enough lol). I might do some art. I play Stardew Valley a lot - when I wore a Fitbit, that game was the only thing guaranteed to drop my heartrate down by about a consistent 15-20 beats per minute. So it relaxes me and still engages my brain.

Also, for me now, I’m...trying to become more zen about the fact that depression and illness take time. That fixing them is not about a single event you do that feels good, but about hundreds of those events over time. And about maintaining them during the good times. And that’s really hard. I got really close last year to doing some really stupid things to myself (and I already self-harm, so I’m not including that) and coming out of that sort of changed me and the way I think about myself, since I’d always identified strongly as like ‘a person with PTSD’ and that was the first time it was like no, I’m a person with PTSD who has major depressive episodes that need separate, emergency treatment.

Since then, I’ve kind of felt lucky to both a) be alive and b) keep trying to find small things to keep me going (and a year later, feel tentatively strong enough to start ‘scheduled’ work again). I now try and think of it this way: a bad day isn’t actually a bad thing. It’s a normal product of my illness. That’s all it is. I can attach the word ‘bad’ to it and somehow feel guilty I ‘didn’t do enough’ but that’s as absurd and irrational as a person with damaged lungs feeling guilty that their good days didn’t heal their damaged lungs. No, my brain will always be broken, to a point, even with chemical help. My ‘energy’ or ‘good mental health’ days will not heal my brain chemistry. So...now I call them ‘tired days’ or ‘sad days.’ Or I’m trying to, I forget all the time.

Tired days aren’t bad, they’re just there. The most important thing I can do is try not to let them run roughly over my routines, and destroy everything I’ve set up for myself to survive in the first place. So you know - a list of things I can maybe manage on tired days. A care plan. People I can contact (even though I probably won’t). Reminding myself gently that it says nothing about my worth as a person even as I feel I have no worth as a person, even that, itself, is just part of the ‘bad day.’ It’s a symptom of my illness. And then also putting in place a list of things to do for yourself on good days, and I don’t mean like ‘shopping’ or whatever (though those things are important) ->

I mean...if you don’t have energy to maintain your self-worth on the worst days, make a point of spending about 5-10 minutes maintaining your self-worth on the good days, when you have more energy to sustain it. On the good days, take some minutes here and there to look at your care plan, your support network, and see what you might be able to use on the worst days, and what you know you can’t. the worst time to be doing it - that’s the time when I already needed it there to lean on. Like, it will always help more to do that hard work mentally on the days when you have the energy to put things in place for yourself.

And those things might sound easy or simple to people who don’t have depressive episodes and find it easy to snap themselves out of it by like, idk, listening to a cheerful song or something, but anyone who has them knows how hard it is to put these things in place. And I have so much sympathy for that. I wish I could box up some energy and self-care and hope and give it to you anon. The only way I know through this is the slow and steady and not very linear way. Time has helped a lot, and a philosophy of ‘gentleness’ alongside ‘gentle structure.’ (I.e. my alarm in the morning to get me up, but also the gentleness to let myself sleep in 20 minutes).

But something I do know, that gives me hope, is that even with all of this going on, anon, you reached out to someone. You’re still trying on your bad days. You did at least one ‘activity’ that was designed to help you. And that is the very thing - with time, and accumulative effects - that will help you with your depressive episode. It just...unfortunately in the moment, doesn’t lift a person out of a bad day. I wish I did. I mean I really wish it did.

Yeah, I wish I had better answers? Ultimately depression is a whole lot of suffering and almost no energy to deal with that suffering, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. But I have faith in you, anon. *offers hugs and a blanket fort*

[farewell-to-arms]

She doesn’t follow me, so I don’t feel bad for posting this because she won’t see it. 

After therapy today, I did a lot of thinking (like my therapist said I should). I wrote a lot of things down about my now crumbled relationship and about me and about her and about our future plans and just general things that I loved and didn’t love about our dynamic. The trick was that I had to be completely honest- I had to list good and bad things about myself and her and hold everyone accountable even if it made me feel like shit. 

And I found something funny: there were so many- and by so many I mean 114 more things- that I loved about our relationship than I didn’t. And I only wrote for 10 minutes. But when I went back and reflected on whether I openly appreciated those things every time they occurred, I had to admit to myself that I didn’t. I also found out that the hard times were really important to me. I was so used to folding or people giving up on me in the past, and the hard times made me realize how strong we were because we were willing to engage with each other in a meaningful way to push through hurt and confusion and differences. But sometimes we didn’t. However, I listed some hard times under things I loved without actually realizing I was doing it. They really do matter to me.

I also found that communication was something we both suck at. Like honestly suck. I bet she would say that she’s good at communicating, but she’s not. And Lord knows that I’m not good at communicating. That was something that couples therapy would have really helped us understand about each other. My therapist made it a point to validate me today saying: “Okay so you talked about and agreed to go to therapy, but you never went.” And I admitted that I had never made the step to make an appointment. She asked me if I always make the appointments (because I tend to take the “mother” role), but funny enough I never made appointments. It is significant that she never made the appointment herself- either because she didn’t really want to work through those issues or because she was afraid herself, I don’t know. But this whole process has made me realize how much guilt and responsibility I take on from 7 years of issues (few issues but issues nonetheless). 

Also, there was a moment where I got really upset. I felt for the first time that she had truly abandoned me during something difficult that she said she understood but clearly didn’t. Intimacy issues run deep in my bones/mind, but after a particular switch was flipped there was respect yes but not a healthy way of seeing it through. Staying silent and suffering was not seeing it through. After talking and recalling memories, I confessed to my therapist that I had told her that I no longer had those anxieties and reservations a few years ago, but that didn’t help. I never felt confident in myself enough to be the initiator of anything, and that’s something that I’m working on. But at the first sight of someone else being without my issue, she jumped on it... almost literally. So the person who I thought was so understanding of certain things ultimately was not as supportive or understanding as I thought. Rather than talking things out and truly pushing to work through the issues, she hid them and let them poison the relationship. As did I. 

But we made a promise to each other... the ultimate promise actually. And, through all of the difficult times when we weren’t engaged she fought, but when the circumstances were more serious, she bails. So while I carry so much- and I mean so much- guilt for the demise of the relationship, something that apparently meant a lot to her (because she’s the big marriage person... I’m not. I would have been happy either way), she turned into something not sacred. Her parents- who are the only happy people I know basically- went through extremely difficult times, and relationships are meant to be work. They have to be. Even people who are divinely designed for each other. So how is it fair that a person literally deserts you when conveniently you no longer live together, have a lot on your plate, and have issues between you that deserve work and attention. 

I was more than willing to work through problems. Honestly, I was ready to go to therapy, and I was already addressing my issues, but apparently she wasn’t and isn’t. Even now, when a second chance is something that could occur (because I’m more than willing) to rebuild our relationship and learn what each other was feeling and how to communicate better and how to meet the needs that each other desires, she’s distant and removed. A chance. That’s it. Not a promise. Not forever. A chance. 

She told me once that when she had a bad experience at a restaurant or something the first time she tried it, she would always go back a second time. She told me that in the Barnes & Noble parking lot. It was surprising. I admired her willingness to try and understand that not everything can be perfect the first time around. Not everything is ready to be what it needs to be the first time around. And to say that chances were given isn’t exactly true. Silence is not a way to fight issues... we’ve learned that a lot in politics recently. Silence is indifference. And if something is hurting you, you need to prioritize that as something important. A sandwich gets more of a chance than me. 

“Oh, of all of the lives that I’ve wanted to live, I could never forget your love. And I could never let go of this. Oh, all the days that I chased you away.”

It’s easier to love someone who is far away from you, especially when your life is chaos. It’s easier to run away from problems rather than put in the work to address them. It’s easier to say you’ll be there for someone day in and out as long as you both shall live rather than actually do it when tested. Like God to Job, faith and loyalty are tried during the difficult times... not when things are good. Guilt is felt by her, but for the things that are obvious. But in reality, she refuses to acknowledge that she was the one who gave up. 

I hate that the only way my mind can make sense of all of this is to reduce the greatest moments of my life to something of convenience, lies, secrets, and emptiness. It’s easier to deal with the hurt when you can convince yourself that everything and every moment was tainted. But that is the farthest thing from the truth. The truth is that she is my best friend and the love of my life. The days we would share warm my heart in ways that I never thought possible, and the nights we spent together are my most cherished moments. There were few instances where we weren’t laughing or being absolutely ridiculous. If I could have anything back it would be the walks- boardwalk, Rittenhouse, mall, city, Whole Foods, parking spot, anywhere and everywhere walks. So much of our relationship was walking together, and I sit here crying becoming overwhelmed with every memory of it. I never thought that I would miss walking so much. We had a relationship of dreams. That’s the part that hurts the most. Because you believe with all of your soul- as I did- that when you find home in someone the comfort and safety and security and love will last forever. But people get evicted, or maybe it’s your starter home. I got evicted. 

I’m still fighting. I always will be. 

All of the happy memories and feelings and just general feelings of home have faded into her background, which only shows me that I am not as important and loved by her as I thought. Which is probably why I haven’t felt like she was in love with me for years. It’s amazing. That’s a phrase I said a million times in therapy and to her and just in general. Because it is. It’s amazing how someone- the love of your life- will just up and leave out of “respect.” Why does she have no problem keeping promises of honesty, friendship, love, etc. but the promise of forever is meaningless. A ring and a word is just a ring and word. This is why you should never use objects to solidify something based on words. 

I told her: marriage ruins relationships. It plants weeds in your head and they kill your garden. And guess who was right? Guess who has been right about so many things (though I have been wrong about many as well)? She has let weeds infect our garden, kill our flowers, and take over. And I can confidently say that when weeds found their way into my garden, yes they grew and might have become overwhelming, but I ripped and tore at them until they were gone. She never saw it, but tending to my garden has been something that I have done multiple times. But no matter what the weeds kill, the roots are still there sunken into the Earth, holding onto the truth... whatever that may be. 

I know she thought that I wasn’t in it for the long haul because I joked about divorce and such. But I never once imagined that I would spend a night- many nights- without her in my arms or without her arms around me. I never once imagined that her name would trail to the bottom of my list of texts and calls. I never once imagined that there would be a last: a last kiss, a last voicemail, a last cuddle, a last drive, a last song, a last sound of the door opening as she came home, a last shower, a last stupid tiff, a last date, a last time she would reach her hand over to hold mine while driving, a last trip, a last vulnerable cry after intense euphoria, a last picture, a last “bub” or “bug” or “baby,” a last Coffee News read, a last smile... my smile. I never thought there would ever be a last anything for us. (no matter what she thought and convinced herself of.)

My favorite “memory” that hasn’t happened yet is “the reveal.” My shoulders kink forward every time I picture it because all I can see myself doing is doubling over in happiness. That is the moment that it’s real. The ceremony is a ceremony, and the reception is a party. But the reveal. That’s what defined the day. I literally didn’t care what dress I was wearing, where we were, who was there, or when it happened. I was five seconds away from saying “fuck it” invite 50 people and we’ll do whatever. Because it was about us. Not other people. Not the pictures and not what the day meant. 11-02. I wanted to give her what she never dreamed of like all of the little girls before her. I wanted her to have that day where all eyes were on her, and I could stand beside her with my eyes transfixed too. Because she is so beautiful. Because it has always been that feeling... for me. It had always been: this is my wife. 

Psychologists say that there are tides that take people and things out of our lives. But to reduce her to being a victim of the tide would be the ultimate crime. She is not whisked away by the tide... she is the tide. And I am the shoreline. Who’s to say if she’ll come back to me. If she wanted to, she probably already would have. Would it be fair... maybe not. Would it be 100% there... no. But some things don’t have to make sense. Action potentials aren’t at 100% all the time- the threshold has to be passed and there are countless times where the potential generated isn’t enough. Microscopic processes of the universe parallel macroscopic processes. Not every synapse is going to relay an action potential that reaches the threshold... but they don’t give up. They exhaust new routes and formulate new pathways. Sometimes they need to rest and try again. But the potential is there. 

To me, sometimes she didn’t make sense. But she didn’t have to because something unexplainable grew inside my body for her. Like angiogenesis. Suddenly I could feel more, breathe more, trust more, relax more, push myself more. At night I think of tall oak trees and Judek asleep in his bed (after we sang “That’s Whats Up” to lull him to sleep), while we watch cartoons and let the weight of the day melt off our bodies. I think of soccer games cheering for number 17 and long drives to visit Pops and hear him play with his band... screaming Irish songs. Dressing Jude up in a culturally inaccurate kilt for St. Patty’s day and laugh as him and Callan dance to bagpipes. And late at night, when the darkness was overwhelming, we would hold each other and know that we were safe. With the cats and the dog(s) in our bed snoring and stealing the blankets, and her face nuzzled into my neck- her favorite place- and my hands stealing the warmth of her skin thanks to thermodynamics, we were safe. The sun would rise and our position would have changed- as it always had: my arms would be wrapped around her, and she would be deep in sleep with drool and snores. And through sleepy grunts and sighs we would realize that it was Sunday (our favorite day), which meant food shopping and being. As it always did. And my heart would stop at the first smile and “morning,” like I had always imagined it would. And when the curtains parted the sun was there and the trees would still be there and Jude and the animals would still be there (maybe even the screaming of goats) and home would still be there, because she was there. 

I can beg and plead and make myself look like a pathetic fool- as I have. But that won’t change anything. I can’t make her love me. I feel it... home... destiny... something I can’t put words to... but she doesn’t. It’s amazing. 

It has all been amazing.