#i hate this i hate this song haunts my every living breathing moment

[letshavedeernnertogether]

Sleepyhead, part two

the plot is: you have nightmares and can't sleep because of it, luckly alastor knows how to help you.

here is the part one

tw: none, just keep on being cute and sweet

*. ⋆ ✧.·:·.* ☽ ･ ｡ﾟ･ ☾ *.·:·.✧ *. ⋆

You were lying in bed on your back pulling the blanket right up to your chin. Your eyes were wide open, and you gazed into the darkness. The living shadows swirled around your room. They were the uncontrolled tentacles made of darkness, that haunted you every night.

Every time you went to bed and turned off the light, the moment when you almost fell asleep, the dark figures came out and tried to catch you. You opened your eyes, followed their stirs and couldn't move. You perspired profusely, you hardly breathed, and you felt like your own body floated above the bed, as if your spirit left your shell.

The most frightening thing was the feeling, that they were real. They were not a dream. It seemed so to you, because you never noticed, when you fell asleep and began to dream, and also you didn’t notice, when you woke up. Morning came, and the eerie shadows receded, and only then you could fall asleep. But every night they returned again.

These tentacles never touched you, but you were afraid to leave your bed, thinking that it was the only refuge. You knew that if they grabbed you, they wouldn’t let you go, they would strangle you, and you'd become a shadow like them. They were hungry and hated those who could live in the light of day.

Light?

You were lying in bed sweating with fear. The blanket pressed on you like the sky on the shoulders of Atlas, and the time seemed stopped. It seemed the morning would never come. Morning...

Suddenly you thought about the light. These dark creatures never came during daylight hours. They were probably afraid of the light.

A lamp stood on your bedside-table, but it was too far to reach. And you didn't want to make any moves to not get the figures dander up. But if you make a sudden harsh move... If you suddenly jump out of bed, get to the door, jerk it open, then a light must pour out from the corridor, which had never been extinguished there.

Taking a deep breath and mustering your courage up, you jumped out of bed, ran between the tentacles, that almost grabbed your ankles several times, and ran out into the hallway, slamming the door behind you.

You screamed out, when you pressed your back against the door and felt a push. They wanted to get to you. Were you still awake?

You dashed for the main hall, away from your room.

* ☽ ･ ｡ﾟ･ ☾ *

When you were downstairs in the dim lit lobby, you heard a slowly jazz music coming from the kitchen. You headed for the sound, expecting to see there the man, who once lulled you with his song. Getting closer, you smelled something savoury. Your mouth filled with saliva.

When you entered the kitchen, Alastor was standing in front of the gas stove and cooking something. He took off his froak coat and worn a light red apron. His cane was placed nearby, and the music was coming out from it with a drowsy buzzing. He was softly humming the melody.

Alastor heard some movings behind him, when you sat down on a chair next to the table. His eares twitched, and he turned his head back. He looked at you in surprise,

"It's strange to see you awaken at the dead of night, my dear. Why aren't you in bed?"

You looked down, "Nightmares," You muttered sadly.

Alastor looked at the rice in the frying pan, reduced the heat and looked at you again.

"Why my dear!" He exclaimed, "You always sleep so sweet, I never thought you could have bad dreams."

"It's only at night," You yawned and continued still looking at your knees, "When the night comes, and everything sinks in the darkness, these shadows creep out of somewhere, and I can't fall asleep because of the fear..."

You were so tired and exhausted with this night. Being here, in the warm kitchen, filled with appetizing smell, when a softly slow jazz swirled around you and Alastor, made you fell into a light doze.

"Hmm," Said Alastor, "You said nightmares, but described it like reality."

"Because I don't understand what it is!"

Alastor heard that your voice began to break, and you lifted your hand to wipe a tear running down your cheek.

"I know I'm not dreaming when I see them, and moreover, they pushed the door after I left. I'm wondering how I managed to escape..."

Tears were running down your face, but you didn't sob. Tears left silver traces on your skin, but in the lighting of the kitchen they seemed bronze. Alastor thought how beautiful you were even in your sadness. But he liked you more with a soft smile on your face, when you slept near him.

Alastor took off the apron and came to you. You didn't see it, you just felt how he gently touched your face. His thumb wiped the tear from the corner of your eye. You looked at him. He held your face in his hands. His soft gaze awakened something inside of you. You didn't want anything but to stare in his big glowing eyes.

You licked your lips and said sniffing,

"I think your dinner is burning."

He raised his eyebrows, his lips formed a silent "O", and he went up to the gas stove.

When he turned away from you, you wiped the rest of your tears glading that Alastor couldn't see your blush as your skin was totally black.

He added some broth in the pan and stired the dish. Breathing in the savoury smell and listening to the music, you thought, why couldn't you fall asleep. The problem wasn't in your bed, you slept there well during the day. The darkness or the night? Well, it seemed more like true. And you thought that your helplessness to the shadows were stupid. But then you remembered how the narrow tentacles wriggled under your feet trying to seize you, when you slammed the door shut. They were moving under the door, and it didn't seem like they were actually afraid of electric light.

You flinched remembering it. But then you remembered how you had a nice sleep at night in the hotel. It was your first night and the night a week ago.

You couldn't say what was special in your first night, after when Alastor had taken you to your bedroom, as it was dark and you were alone as always. you didn't know the truth.

But last week you spent the whole evening with Angel in his room. You were talking about your lives for several hours and ate a lot of unhealthy snacks watching your favorite romantic comedy from when you were alive. You both laughted at stupid decisions of characters, and you both were touched by the same romantic scenes.

Leaning against Angel's shoulder, breathing in his sweet vanilla smell, you fell asleep. You woke up embraced by all his four arms in his bed, just where you fell asleep. In the morning, when Angel woke up, he said that you were too sweet and too cute to be disturbed, so he didn't woke you up. But he didn't say, why he hadn't carried you to your bedroom, and you didn't ask him about it.

* ☽ ･ ｡ﾟ･ ☾ *

The darkness and loneliness might had been the reasons of you being haunted by the living nightmares.

Alastor looked at you again. He thought that the nightmares were another curse of you. What an unfortunate darling you were. You told him about your life and how you avoided reality for all your life. And now you were cursed to never get enough sleep, and at night you were surrounded by your own fears and couldn't even close your eyes. Too much for a poor thing like you, thought Aalstor.

"I can't sleep in the dark and I can't sleep alone," You said. It seemed to you, that you had a good sleep then, because Angel was by your side. Maybe these shadows were powerless when you were not alone?

"Alone?" He asked tilting his head.

You nodded.

"Hmmm," Alastor looked up thinking on something. You noticed that he'd already covered the frying pan with a lid. Now his dinner was slowly braised.

"Well, my dear," He said coming up to you, "it's a shame that a sleepyhead like you can't have enough sleep during the night, so she must sleep all day long depriving me of the opportunity to spend time with her. This cannot go on."

He gave you his hand.

"But your dinner?"

"Don't worry, Starry eyes," He said bending in his waist still giving his hand, "I can absent myself for a time. I just want to offer you something, it won't take long."

You took his hand and stood up. He pulled you closer to him, so your bodies touched. Three upper buttons of his shirt were unbuttoned, and you blushed understanding that it was the first time you saw him being so informal.

"Hold on tighter, darling," He wispered in your ear, before you sank into the dark light.

* ☽ ･ ｡ﾟ･ ☾ *

You opened your eyes to find yourself in the unfamiliar room. You pressed yourself close to Alastor, his hands were on your shoulder-blade. The wind from the window chilled you, and you cuddled closer up to him. You turned your head to look around and understood, that it wasn't the wind from the window. It was the wind from the forest. The place, where Alastor took you, was half room and half the woods. You both were standing in the room in dark red colors with dark wood furniture, and the other side of the room was a night forest. You heard rustling, chirring, twittering coming from it. It was actually real.

"Welcome to my room, darling," Said Alastor letting you out.

So, it was his room. Before any other thought came on your mind, Alastor placed his arm on your waist and led you to a bed, that was in the center of the room.

"What? What are you doing?" You stopped and looked at him.

"My dear, this place is the safest in the whole hotel, and even in whole hell, if I may say. Here no one and nothing will hurt you. None of your eerie fears will find you here." He carefully placed his arm on your shoulder. His static voice made goosebumps ran down your back. He turned you back to him and pointed at the bed with his cane, "This room, this bed are your refuge. You don't need to be afraid here."

You looked at the bed. How cozy, how warmly, how alluringly it looked. You yawned. What was the use of refusing? After crying your eyes were tired, you wanted to close them and fall asleep. The bed seemed just perfect. The room was warm, and the chill of the forest helped you not to feel too much hot.

You glanced at Alastor. You didn't mind using his bed at all, but if he offered it to you, where would he spend the night then?

"And what about you?" You asked.

"Oh, darling," He softly smiled at you, "I'm the exact antithesis of you. While you always want to sleep, I have insomnia."

"Ohh," You pronounced. "Poor thing," You thought, "It might be difficult not to sleep, and not to see dreams."

You turned to the bed and then turned to Alastor again. He looked at you expectantly.

You slowly climbed into bed. Bed linen was soft and it smelled like... It smelled like Alastor. It was the same scent as when he had pulled you closer to him, before you both faded away in his shadow and turned out here.

You lay your head on the pillow and sank in its softness. But it wasn't too soft. It was just perfect. Like all his bed. Like all his room. A smile spread across your face.

You turned on your right side to look at Alastor and thank him. But you didn't have time to say anything, because he wrapped you in the blanket like a child. He tucked the blanket in, so you wouldn't get cold. When he leaned lower over you to tuck the blanket behind you, you tilted your head in the way so your lips "accidentally" met his chin. He froze still leaning over you.

You were lying between his hands, his face was in two inches of yours. He saw a sly yet shy smile on you. He smiled back, and your heart skipped a beat. You thought how beautiful he was. Maybe even too beautiful. You could drown in his crimson gleaming eyes, that hypnotized you.

Very slowly Alastor lifted his head to leave a tender kiss on your forehead.

"Goodnight, my love," He wispered.

You didn't open your eyes still feeling his lips on your forehead, and only when you heard a rustling, you opened your eyes and turned to the right. Alastor had just disappeared in the shadow.

Did he call you love?

You blushed so bright, that if there was anyone in the room, they would had seen the explosion of the supernovae on your cheeks.

It was just like in your best dreams.

You made yourself more comfortable still smiling because of the sudden tenderness of Alastor. You breathed in the smell of bed linen. It savoured with his astringent cologne, with fur and a little bit of smoke, because of the fireplace opposite the bed. You thought, this was what home smelled like.

You were lying with your eyes closed waiting for sleep to come. Firewood softly crackled, crickets chirred in the woods. Suddenly a radio on the piano turned on, and you heard a sweet female voice. The radio played quietly, and the singer's voice sank in static. You noticed that this buzzing of the radio was a comfortable sound for you, as it brought drowsiness to you.

♪ Night winds seem to have gone to rest,

Two eyes, brightly with love are gleaming ♪

You heard it through the somnolence and smiled.

The radio kept on playing quietly until you fell asleep in the room, that was yours now...

* ☽ ･ ｡ﾟ･ ☾ *

Alastor returned to the kitchen. His dinner was already done. He turned off the fire, mixed the dish and put some in a plate. The rest of the dish he put off in a basin and left it to cool, so that he could put it in the fridge later.

Usually Alastor didn't think about something secondary during a meal enjoying the food. But this time he couldn't help think about Sleepyhead. He remembered how she said, that she couldn't sleep alone. Could it be that all this time she was tormented by nightmares and did not sleep? Alastor remembered how he carried this tiny demon to her room at the first night. And how he stayed by her for all night long and watch her sleeping. She seemed had a very pleasant dream then. She always looked just as cute when she slept during the day, leaning on his shoulder.

Now he didn't even want to leave her alone in the bedroom. But he thought, that she might feel herself uncomfortable, if he stayed next to her and watched her until she fell asleep. Moreover he was extremely hungry. For the whole day he couldn't put something in his mouth, and now he was ravenous, so ravenous he couldn't guarantee that he wouldn't suddenly eat her. After all she smelled very good.

Alastor raised his eyebrows in surprise, when his staff turned on the music. His hand with a fork froze on halfway to his mouth. From the staff a woman sang a lovely song. Alastor finished his dinner, rested his head on the hand and listened.

This singer was famous when Alastor was alive, but he never took a great interest in her. But now he liked the song and the voice.

♪ Come to my arms, my dear one,

my sweetheart, my own ♪

Alastor stood up and put on his froak coat. With a snap of his fingers the dirty plate became clean and it came in the kitchen cabinet.

♪ Kind night, bringing you nearer,

dearer and dearer ♪

Alastor beat the ground with the cane and the music stopped.

* ☽ ･ ｡ﾟ･ ☾ *

When Alastor came to the bedroom it was already deep night. He saw you wrapped in the blanket, lying facing the forest. He came up to bed and heard your softly breathing. Alastor made the lights dimmer and, coming to the other side of bed, his clothes changed into the satin dark red pajamas.

Alastor saw a sweet smile on your face. You brought your hands to the face squeezing the edge of the blanket in your fists. You looked like a little doe, so small and innocent. You curled up, and Alastor took out a woollen blanket from a commode. He climbed into bed and covered you with the wool.

"Alastor..." You murmured in sleep.

He froze. He heard millions times before, how you talked in your sleep, but you'd never talked about him. Hearing his name on your soft moist lips was more than he could stand. His heart beat faster, and he felt ache in his stomach. You were so close to him, he felt your milky scent and felt your breath on his lips.

You stretched out your hands and embraced him. He fell next to you on the blanket. You wispered his name again, and his heart melted.

"You'll never go back to your bed, dear," He wispered buring himself in your fluffy hair and embracing you. He placed a kiss on your crown, and you smiled.

Alastor yawned. How strange, he never felt drowse lying in bed, but when he was next to you, felt your warmth and heartbeat...

He didn't notice how he fell asleep, with his head resting on yours, which you laid on his chest.

*. ⋆ ✧.·:·.* ☽ ･ ｡ﾟ･ ☾ *.·:·.✧ *. ⋆

invitation for deerner: @serapinaxx @noraunor

p.s.

sorry for it taking so long, another busy week at university, and now i feel myself like Sleepyhead herself hahaha

i hope you liked the part two and i wish you all sweet healthy sleep and kind fluffy dreams ♡ ♡ ♡

[galaxxies18]

「届きはしない思い」 「声にならめ声で」

「T R E A S U R E Y O U」

Please don't repost anywhere else!

Invidivual versions below the cut 👇

[shadesslut]

hiiii! could i suggest a fic thats kinda been on the top of my head recently?? soft ethan landry originally tried to get close to the group by getting with amber freemans ex whos the adopted daughter of dewey and gale. originally she died alongside her dad, but the doctors brought her back. so now, she lives in constant ptsd from it and has a bad episode after having a nightmare of deweys death, though even though she tries to not bother ethan about her past, hes there then and helps her thru it

IM SO SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG TO WRITE THIS. I HOPE YOU ENJOY🫶

haunted

Pairing: (Ex-Amber Freeman x Ex-Fem!Reader, Fem!Reader x Ethan Landry)

Content Includes: (Angst, fluff)

Main Masterlist

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Her mouth was stained with a taste of metallic. Her vision was blurred, everything tinted by a bright white light, but she knew what was happening. Her father was dead, staring coldly at her as he laid on the white tiles of the hospital. Was all of this for nothing? All those years of fighting not only for himself, but for his daughter. All those years of winning those battles against Ghostface. All of the sacrifices he gave, it was taken away by a simple kitchen knife. Taken away by her. 

Amber Freeman. The one who finally got Dewey. The one who haunted Y/N’s dreams, and the one who haunted her nightmares. Tonight was a nightmare. 

She knew she was dreaming, she knew it. But the way Amber pulled off her mask as she laid there bloody, it hurt just as much as it did that day. 

“Please, Amber,” she pleaded in pain. Blood spewed out of the freshly cut wound on her chest. “I love you.”

Amber looked coldly down at her, and at that moment, Y/N realized. Realized all of it was fake. All of the words and kisses Amber gave her; none of it was real. She wished she could apologize to her dad, she wished she could tell him how much she loved and appreciated him. She never did that. And now she never could. 

She prepared herself for the knife to sink into her side. She knew the routine by now, it was like clockwork. It would hurt, it would feel real, but every time, Amber would kiss her. And maybe, just maybe, that made up for the pain. 

The knife sunk into her stomach, and she arched up as she screamed in pain. Amber kissed her, just as she anticipated. Her vision started to grow black, like spilled ink staining a painting. Amber was a painting to her. Her beautiful work of art she loved looking at, even if Amber wanted to hurt her. 

Then, she awoke. 

First she shot up, then she breathed heavily. Her breaths were sharp and quick, and her hand went to her chest as she felt it tighten. Ethan stirred as she started to cry. 

His eyes fluttered open as he looked to the source of noise. His eyes widened, and he immediately sat up to wrap his arms around her. 

“Shhh it’s okay, I’m here,” He whispered. 

She turned her head to look at him, and all she focused on were his eyes. Dark, brown like hers. She hated how sometimes she would get so lost in his eyes, she would think of Amber’s eyes. How they darkened as she looked down at her in excitement. 

“It’s just me,” he said. It was just him. There wasn’t any evil in his eyes

She only let out a choked sob, and Ethan moved her head to rest on his chest. He pulled her to curl in his lap, her legs pulled up to her chest as he cradled her. 

“You're okay, I've got you.” 

She steadied her breaths. Don’t think of her, think of him. 

“I’m sorry,” she apologized. This was the fourth time this week. He shook his head and shushed her. He kissed the crown of her head and started humming her favorite song. The same song Dewey sang to her when she was little. 

“I miss him.” She whispered under her breath. 

“I know.” He whispered back. 

She didn’t know how many more nights of these she could take. She knew Ethan would leave her soon, that he would grow tired of this. 

“I’m sorry for waking you, again.” 

“It’s okay,” He cooed, playing with her hair. “It’s not a bother. I just want you to be okay. I love you.” 

She looked up at him, eyes glossy. She opened her mouth to respond. To tell him she loved him too. 

“You don’t have to say it. I know it’s hard for you.” 

She let her head move against his chest as he breathed. They sat in a blissful silence in each other’s arms. Her nose whistled as she breathed softly, and Ethan smiled down at her. He was the only thing that made her feel happy. He protected her, just like Dewey did. 

“You know,” Ethan started as he wiped a tear from the corner of her eye. “The moment Chad pointed you out at that party, I knew I was done for. I knew that you were the one for me, and I didn’t need to look for that perfect girl anymore.”

“Ethan,” she choked out. 

“Let me finish,” he gently interrupted her. “I knew what happened to you last year. Chad told me that he’d kill me if I hurt you, but I knew you could do that yourself. You’re so strong, Y/N. You’re stronger than anyone I’ve ever met. You are so much more than what happened to you that night, so much more than her. She wasn’t good enough for you, and even if she was she didn’t deserve you. No one does, because you are perfect. I love you. I love you with everything I have.”

She grabbed his hand, and she placed it over her heart. I love you too. 

He kissed her. He kissed her so many times that she forgot about her dream. And for the first time in a long time, she didn’t feel bad about her father’s death. 

That night, Amber wasn’t in her dreams. Only Ethan.

[hookhausenschips]

Another Life (Songfic Mini Series)

Word Count: 1,453

Summary: Y/N realizes her worth after HOOK cheats on her

Warnings: Angst, cheating, sad.

Masterlist

song: Another Life by Motionless In White

Hook Taglist: @shawtys-things, @gethooked, @hope4more, @redpool, @lovethathookhausen730, @dgcrimson-garcia, @brideofinfamy, @boneyjones7777, @saramusazzi99

Join my taglist here!

Reblog and like if you love this little series!

A/N: This is my interpretation of the song!

previous next

Third Person POV

If I can't let you go, will darkness divide?

For the fiction of love is the truth of our lies

We were playing for keeps but we both knew the cost

Now the only way out's in your heart shaped box

The sound of tires crunching gravel echoed through the silent night as Y/N pulled up to their once-shared apartment. The weight of the truth she had discovered moments ago pressed down on her chest, suffocating her. Another life, just like the lies that had woven themselves into the fabric of their relationship.

She stepped out of the car, her legs feeling like lead as she trudged towards the entrance. Each step felt heavier than the last as if the ground itself conspired to keep her from facing the shattered remains of what she thought was love.

The door creaked open, revealing the dimly lit interior of their home. Memories flooded her mind, each one tainted now by the knowledge of betrayal. The laughter, the whispered promises, the shared dreams—all of it felt like a cruel joke orchestrated by fate.

Y/N made her way through the living room, her eyes catching sight of a discarded jacket on the floor. It wasn't hers. Her heart clenched at the realization, but she pushed forward, determined to confront the truth head-on.

The faint sound of voices drifted from the bedroom, sending a shiver down her spine. With trembling hands, Y/N pushed the door open, bracing herself for the sight that awaited her.

There they were, tangled in each other's arms, their whispers of affection like a knife twisting in my gut. He looked up, Tyler’s eyes widening in shock as he registered her presence. But there was no remorse in his gaze, only a cold indifference that shattered what little remained of her heart. Y/N couldn't bear to stay a moment longer. Without a word, she turned and fled, the echoes of their deceit following her like ghosts haunting her every step.

But I hate that it seems you were never enough

We were broken and bleeding but never gave up

And I hate that I made you the enemy

And I hate that your heart was the casualty

Now, I hate that I need you

Outside, the night air was cold against her skin, matching the emptiness that now consumed her. How could she have been so blind? How could she have trusted him with her heart, only for him to trample it beneath his feet?

Y/N wandered aimlessly, the weight of her grief dragging her down into a bottomless abyss. Each breath felt like a struggle, each heartbeat a painful reminder of the love she had lost.

With tears streaming down her face, she let out a guttural scream, the anguish of betrayal tearing through her like a hurricane. How could she go on knowing that everything she had believed in had been nothing but a lie? Y/N sat in her car, her hands trembling as she clutched her phone in her grasp. Tears blurred her vision, staining the screen with salty streaks.

"He’s happier here with me sweetheart," the words echoed in her mind, a haunting melody of betrayal. It was over. He was leaving her for the girl he cheated with, leaving behind shattered dreams and broken promises. Memories flashed before her eyes like scenes from a movie – the laughter, the late night drives to the next AEW show, the whispered promises of forever. How could it all unravel so quickly? How could love turn to ashes in the blink of an eye? 

As we rest here alone like notes on a page

The finest to compose could not play our pain

With a candle through time I could still see your ghost

But I can't close my eyes, for it

For it is there where you haunt me most

Where you haunt me most

She had trusted him with her heart, opening herself up to him in ways she never thought possible. And yet, he had taken that trust and trampled it beneath his feet, leaving her feeling like nothing more than a discarded toy. Rage boiled within her veins, a fire consuming her from the inside out. How dare he do this to her? How dare he throw away everything they had built together for the sake of a fleeting moment of passion?

But beneath the anger, beneath the hurt, there was a deep, gnawing pain – the pain of betrayal. She had given him everything, and in return, Tyler had given her nothing but lies and deceit.

With a choked sob, she threw her phone across the car, watching as it landed in a heap of shards on the floor looking just like her heart felt. Shattered. She wanted to scream, to rage against the unfairness of it all, but the words caught in her throat, suffocating her.

In the silence that followed, Y/N felt a wave of numbness wash over her, enveloping her in its icy embrace. She had given him her heart, and he had broken it without a second thought. How could she ever trust again? How could she ever love again?

I hate that it seems you were never enough

We were broken and bleeding, but never gave up

And I hope that I stain through your memory

As we echo through time in the melody

Now I hate that I need you

Today

In the dimly lit apartment, the air hung heavy with tension. Y/N’s heart raced as she stood face to face with Tyler, her once-beloved fiancée.

Y/N’s voice trembled as she confronted Tyler, her eyes filled with tears. "How could you do this to me? I trusted you, Tyler."

HOOK shifted uncomfortably, unable to meet Y/N’s gaze. "I'm sorry, Y/N. I never meant to hurt you."

But the words fell flat, ringing hollow in Y/N’s ears. She could feel the weight of his betrayal crushing her soul. She remembered the late-night conversations, the laughter, and the promises they had made to each other. The engagement. But now, it all felt like a cruel joke.

"You promised you'd never leave me," Y/N whispered, her voice barely above a whisper.

Tyler reached out to touch her, but Y/N recoiled, her heart aching with pain. "Don't. Just don't."

The silence between them was deafening, broken only by the melancholic melody of the song. Y/N felt as though she were drowning in her sorrow, suffocating under the weight of Tyler’s betrayal.

"I never meant for it to happen," HOOK finally confessed, his voice strained with guilt. "It was a mistake."

But Y/N knew that apologies were meaningless now. The trust between them had been shattered, irreparably broken.

And I hear you now when you said it hurt

But it had to fall, fall apart to work

As I see you now in what's left of me

Is it too late to plead insanity?

With a heavy heart, Y/N turned away from Tyler, her eyes brimming with tears. She couldn't bear to look at him any longer, couldn't stand the sight of the man who had destroyed her world.

She took off the ring that once promised a forever together and put it in Tyler’s hand. As she left the apartment, the remnants of their relationship left at the doorstep, a painful reminder of what could have been. But Y/N knew that she had to let go of the past and find the strength to move on, to start anew in a world where love was not tainted by lies and betrayal.

'Cause I hate that it seems you were never enough

Yeah, we're broken and bleeding in the name of love

And I hope that we meet in another life

As she walked away, Y/N vowed to herself that she would never let anyone hurt her the way Tyler had. As the sun rose higher in the sky, Y/N felt a glimmer of hope begin to stir within her. Another life awaited, one filled with possibilities yet to be discovered. And though the road ahead would be fraught with challenges, she knew that she would face them head-on, no longer shackled by the chains of a love that had turned to ash.

For in the end, it was not his betrayal that defined Y/N, but her ability to rise from the ashes and rebuild herself anew. As she walked into the dawn of a new day, she knew that she would emerge stronger, wiser, and more resilient than ever before. 

I hope that we meet in another life

I don't hate that I need you

(I don't hate that I need you)

I don't hate that I need you

(I don't hate that I need you)

I don't hate that I need you

[royculkins]

the universal curse of sensitivity — igby slocumb (Final Part)

part five: let the light in

MASTERLIST

Pairing: Igby Slocumb x reader

Warnings: Drug use, underage nicotine use, neglectful parents, explicit language, adults messing around with kids when they shouldn't, and anything else that can be found in the movie Igby Goes Down

Summary: Troublesome kids will always reach to find love and acceptance, even if it means making a mess where it's unintended. They’re just kids, but the older they get, the worse their inner conflicts haunt them. They want to please, but long to be pleased. They’re dramatic and self-sabotaging, they can’t help it⸺its the universal curse of their sensitivity.

Tag List: @gaysludge @wsrizz @confusedoatmeal @b1mb0slvt @slvttyclementine @he4vens-ang3l @alexiagx @moosh-i

Authors Note: It's crazy to think this is the end, but I'm so happy with how it turned out! My inspiration for this chapter was, of course, Let the Light In by Lana Del Rey and Work Song by Hozier. I hope you enjoy it! I love y'all so much!

4.6k words

The stars that hung in the sky on the night you spent with Igby would tell the tale of true warmth and delicate feelings for the rest of their burning lives. Echoing the comforting words the two of you shared. Encapsulating every touch, hug, and graze of fingertips against skin. They’d speak of the screaming color that wrapped itself around the two of your colorless lives while trying to recount the secret language of your understanding of one another.

And even if they could remember every intricate detail of that night⸺it still wouldn’t serve justice to how powerful the night truly was for you both.

That night replayed in your heads for days later, you didn’t speak about the looming presence of his family or your secret that could destroy the last lingering connection you had to your own. Instead, you held onto each other, words of comfort falling past lips and promising potential future harmony to each other. You had fallen asleep tangled in each other's presence and promises, letting reality slip away from your grasp as you soaked in the golden moment between the two of you.

However, reality would make itself apparent again. It had to⸺Igby, and you had known that from the moment he arrived at your apartment that night. But it didn’t make this day any easier.

The cold chill that had once been present in New York had allowed the graces of a warmer day to make itself known, the sun dancing across the sky with a watchful gaze. Igby glanced at it as he walked the familiar path to your apartment; his movements were more dreadful and slow than they had previously been. A part of him cursed this day away; he once wished for a warm day in this cold city, and he hated the irony that was a warm evening in this damnest of times.

He paused when your building came into his view, his eyes trained on the very window he first saw you. The memory of your body being haloed by the sun and your teasing voice irking his soul as you purposely called him the wrong name. He found you annoying and never imagined a world where your voice would become his beacon of light and liveliness.

Letting his hazel eyes rise up to where you two had shared countless joints and stared down at the passing people below, his eyes met your figure, and he had half a mind to turn around and forget what he had to do. Or he could join you and refuse to let reality capture him and swallow him whole. He wasn’t sure⸺he just knew he didn’t want to do this.

Any thought of running was banished from his mind as you leaned against the brick railing of your roof, looking down at his body that stood across the street. You tilt your head, watching the boy stand frozen in the middle of a frenzy of moving bodies. Even at a distance, even with many people standing between you, it somehow felt like it was just the two of you as your eyes locked on one another. Sucking in a breath, Igby drifted across the street toward your apartment as if he was a moth to a flame, unable to think of anything but getting to you and enjoying the burn of your light.

Pushing open the door to the roof, his eyes take only seconds to find you. Your body is in the exact place it was the first time you had invited him up to the roof. Your legs dangling on each side of the building as you turn to look at him, a small smile growing on your face. Igby takes this moment to let this image of you burn into his memory forever, the sun grazing against your features and your smile directed only toward him. Even though he dreads his future words, your smile feels so welcoming that he begins to form one of his own. Your impact on him showing clearly as he allows the warmth of the day to finally touch his own skin without cursing it away.

Approaching you slowly, he leans his body against the space just beside you⸺just as he had the first time and every time after. You watch as he stares at the people passing below, his eyes conflicted as his mouth twitches. You knew the day would come and that he’d dread it, but you couldn’t help but feel honored that he had come to see you one last time. There was a tiny amount of fear in you that he’d just leave⸺take off, running away from his family or returning to them without saying goodbye. Yet here he stood, needing you more than anything before he made his final decision.

Igby once believed that poverty was the only thing keeping him in New York, in that ratty apartment and this cold city. Yet as he stood there, he realized that now the only reason he’d ever want to stay⸺was for you.

He realized that every moment with you was warm; every time you looked at him, he could see the golden light he had always craved. Maybe he didn’t need to go somewhere new, maybe you were enough to save and free him from the icy curse of his family. He wasn’t sure how he was going to say goodbye to you⸺or if he’d even be able to.

“You decided to go home?”

Igby’s face screwed up at the term. He hadn’t called the house where his family lived home in a long time. He couldn’t even be able to recall the last time he even referred to it as such. Tearing his gaze away from the people on the sidewalk, Igby glanced at you before picking at the scarf he still had wrapped around his neck, “Got to make sure my mother actually croaks this time around.”

You don’t respond to his crude statement, you just continue to watch him struggle internally with the war in his head. Leaning forward, you catch his eyes and place your hand over the one that pulled relentlessly at a string on his clothing, “Are you going to be okay?”

He blinks fast at the question, still unfamiliar with the affection and genuinity of your voice. Suddenly, his decision to return to his mother's side doesn’t make any sense. Why would he ever return to such a horrid situation when someone as gentle as you existed? How was he supposed to leave you behind? Maybe he didn’t have to, “We should leave.”

Your eyebrows raise at his quickened words, his eyes turning to yours pleadingly as he continued almost frantically, “You and me. We can pack our bags and leave New York. It can just be us; we won’t have to worry about anything else.”

“Igby-.” You whisper, but the boy can’t stop as the words push past his lips. His fear of being in the same room as his mother and brother only increased his reasons for fleeing⸺except now he couldn’t do it unless you joined him. Shaking his head, the brunette stumbles over his words, “My family doesn’t care about me, and yours—yours keeps you locked away in this apartment! We could just leave and go and be happy without their constant weight! We could—We could–.”

The boy worked himself up so much that he resorted to pacing before you, causing you to remove yourself from the roof's edge to grab the boy's hands and keep him in place. He stops his rambling to look at your calm eyes.

“You know I can’t do that, Igby,” You whisper softly, searching his eyes to ensure that your words don’t come off as a rejection and instead a retelling of your familial situation. Truthfully, you would love to join the boy on his adventures, yet the pull of being the perfect child for your parents was too haunting and embedded for you to leave behind.

Scoffing, the boy shakes his head, not accepting the reasoning for your words. Your name falls from his lips in an exasperated tone as he speaks again, “Can’t you see that your parents are never going to let you out of here? They’re going to keep you locked away in this prison for the rest of your life, and you’re just letting them!”

“Igby-.”

“No! They have you! They already have you here! What makes you think they won’t have you locked away for the rest of your life? You need to get out of here, even if it’s not with me! Either way, I just–I just need you to get away from here, away from them,” The boy rants with frustration rising over your current issue, the truth of his feelings about it coming to light.

Sighing lightly, you can’t help but understand his words and his fears about your parent's future plans for you. You had thought about it many times before, yet you had already decided on these thoughts long before you met Igby. Now, your only concern was making sure the boy before you would be okay and escape in ways you’ve never been able to. Bringing a hand up to hold his jaw, his hazel eyes burn as they meet yours, listening carefully to every word that leaves your mouth, “With what money, Igby? How could either one of us live a life without money? Would we just share a couch and sell drugs around the city for Russel? Is that really what you want?”

Igby shook his head and looked down at his feet. He didn’t know how he’d get the money, he just knew he wanted to be with you. Closing his eyes, the boy knew that he had to return home if he wanted to escape life as a couch-surfing drug delivery boy. Taking a deep breath, he grabs your wrist gently and looks back up at you, “I can go back to my family, get the money, and come back for you. I can come back, and we can go anywhere we want. Just the two of us.”

A part of you wants to accept his offer, but you remember every story he told about this very moment. The moment that he had enough money to be happy and alone, you knew that it would be selfish to piggyback off his escape and claim it as your own. You just can’t do it to him, so you decline his offer again, “You’re going to go to your family, see your mom away, get your money, and then you’re going to be free. Without me.”

Igby shakes his head, his eyes closing in pain as his head drops, but you’re quick to pick it back up. His eyes are misty as he looks to you again, “Please.”

Your heart aches at his pleas, but you know he needed this. He needed to find himself without looking over his shoulder for his family or carrying you, “You have to get out of this city, away from your family. You have to be free and live without anything holding you back or causing any distractions. I need you to do that. I need you to let the light in, Igby. Please, if you do anything for me, I need it to be that.”

The Slocumb boy searches your eyes for any cracks in your words, but you mean every word. It hits Igby that you’re the only person who ever wanted him to do something for himself instead of moving in a way to please someone else. Letting his fingers rub up and down your arms, he stares deeply into your eyes as he admits in a whisper, “I think you’re the only real friend I’ve ever had.”

Tears well up in your eyes as you smile at the boy, “I think you’re mine as well.”

The two of you sit silently at your confession, knowing that what the two of you felt was something much deeper than friendship, yet it didn’t mean that the hushed words weren’t true. However, Igby can’t refrain himself as his hands cup your face and his lips connect to yours softly. Warmth and comfort wash over the two of you as your bodies press against each other in a gentle action of intimacy. Pulling away slowly, your foreheads lean against one another, and the boy raises his thumbs slightly to caress your cheek. You offer him a smile, which he returns before you whisper, “I’ll be expecting a postcard.”

Laughing lightly and shaking his head at your callback to his previous words, he breathes out, “I’ll send you a whole damn plane.”

You don’t respond; you can only lift your head to place a gentle kiss on the boy's mole that sits perfectly on his cheek. His eyes close at the action, his body filling with gratitude and solace at your small yet impactful action. The two of you know that this won’t be the last time you see each other, not when the longing feeling to return home to one another was deep in your marrow. Maybe that was why Igby was able to pull his body away from yours and return to his own haunted house a few cities away, but not before leaving his scarf wrapped around the door handle of your apartment door on his way out. Something to remember him by, something to remember that escape was possible and that he’d always come back if you so much as thought of it.

It would be almost a week until you’d hear from the boy again. You’d be in your apartment, trying to return to how life was before Igby. It was proven to be a much harder task than anticipated. You had resorted to pacing the floor, chewing on your nails as you wondered and worried about the boy who ignited a fire within your soul. You could only hope that he had made it there, followed through with his plan, and escaped his life of running and hiding.

Your windows were cracked open, letting the warm breeze whisk away the smoke of your cigarette as you sat on your window seal. Flicking the ashes out the window, your eyes look curiously at the outside world. You had fallen back into the habit of people-watching as boredom filled your life at the lack of visits from a certain delivery boy.

It was the sound of ringing that pulled you from your thoughts. Stabbing your cigarette into the ashtray, you glide toward the noise and place the phone to your ear, “Hello?”

It’s silent on the other side of the phone for just a moment before a familiar voice rings out, “Hi, this is Jason Slocumb Junior.”

You can’t ignore the jump of your heart at the boy's voice that you could admit you were already missing. Furrowing your eyebrows, you smile humorously at the boy before speaking, “Your name is Jason?”

Igby hummed on the other side of the phone, glancing toward Oliver, who was watching him make his half of the calls. Smiling sarcastically to ensure that his brother didn’t know he was calling you, the boy continued without answering your question, “I just called to inform you that Mimi Slocumb won’t be answering any further invitations because she’s dead.”

The Slocumb boy waited for your response, hoping that you’d be selfish and ask for him to return to get you before fleeing. All you had to do was say the words, even just suggest it, and he’d come to you. No questions asked. No hesitation. However, you smiled to yourself and spoke warmly, “Go ahead and let the light in, Igby. I’ll be seeing you.”

The two of you sit silently for a prolonged moment, the boy relishing in your voice and promise, feeling comfort for the first time in days. Closing his eyes briefly, the boy pretends you are beside him with your beautiful smile and encouraging nods. A ghosting smile crosses his features before he hangs up the phone, not wanting his brother to know he still has you to keep promises with.

From your kitchen, you’d listen to the static sound of the dial tone before placing the phone back down with a small smile. Even though so much of you wanted him to return, you felt joyous over the fact that the boy was finally free from everything he had spent so long running from. You knew that your words were true. You would be seeing him, just not as soon as you’d hoped.

The next time you heard from Igby, it came in the form of mail.

Your tutor had entered your apartment, books and notes in hand, along with the mail the doorman had handed her when she passed. Setting up your workspace, she gives you the pile of envelopes, magazines, and newspapers, allowing you a moment to sift through them boredly. However, your attention perks as your fingertips graze the side of a single piece of thin cardboard.

GREETINGS FROM CALIFORNIA! THE GOLDEN STATE.

Looking over your shoulder, you excuse yourself from the dining room to the comfort and isolation of your room. Sitting on your bed, you place the other worthless mail beside you and cling to the most valuable object. Running your fingers over the enlarged font, you take a deep breath before flipping it over. Your heart leaped at the familiar handwriting that was scribbled on the back. At the top, your name was written clearly and sincerely, just as Igby remembered you. The only thing written on it was a new address, as well as a plane messily drawn near the bottom with a note below it.

Until I can send the real thing. -Igby

Smiling at the written promise, you bring the small piece of him you had to your chest⸺hugging what meant the most to you close to your heart. Taking a deep breath, you stand from your bed and place the postcard on your vanity where you can always see it. It becomes clear that out of every expensive piece of furniture and knick-knacks you had, this twenty-five cent piece of cardboard held the most value.

That would continue to ring true, except as the months went on, Igby would continue to write to you. His letters filled with what life in California was like; he’d write of the sun and the warmth, but he’d never admit that it didn’t compare to the warmth you had offered him. It wasn’t even close. It would beg to be written, but it would never reach the paper, the boy fearing that his confession would confirm how much distance there was between you. So, instead, he’d settle with leaving constant reminders that he’d return to get you and help you escape your parents' isolated prison. Your letters would contain what the weather was like in New York, as well as telling the boy that Russel had taken to delivering the drugs himself. The drug dealer not wanting for you to be left alone⸺he couldn’t do that to the tragic muse of his work. You’d sign off every letter with the same promise of seeing him when the time came. Eighteen was closer than it seemed. It had to be. It was a reminder you would write to him in hopes of reassuring yourself.

However, the shared fear of you and Igby would come true. Your parents would decide that letting you go at eighteen isn’t what’s for the best. They would continue to hold you hostage in the apartment, now sending in professionals to prepare you to work for your family company one day. Your once promising letters turned to ones full of misery and doubt. Igby’s remained optimistic, even going as far as offering to return to New York and bring you back to California with him. He knew you wouldn’t do it because, as he had told you on the rooftop the last time you saw each other, your parents' claws were too deep in you. They were too embedded for you to remove them without fatality. Yet, he needed you to know that his promise would always remain. He’d always hold you and the unbroken promise sacred.

Years would pass, yet Igby’s letters never slowed, and you kept every single one of them. There were occasions when the two of you would call one another, but timezones and your parents' distractions caused them to come to a predictable decline. On your twentieth birthday, you broke your own heart⸺sending him a letter of apologies and regret. You felt as though you were holding the boy back from living his life fully. It wasn’t fair of you to make him wait for you. It wasn’t fair for him to be free yet still be tied down by someone who couldn’t share that experience with him. So you offered him an out, telling him that he didn’t need to check up on you or keep your promise because your devotion to your parents had been controlling you and remained unmoving.

In return, Igby sent you the shortest letter he had ever sent to you. There was no talk about California, its weather, its glowing sun, or the new activities he had clung to within the time he received your last letter. It was just a piece of paper with three sentences scribbled on it.

My life here will never be complete until you’re here with me. I’ll wait for the rest of my life if I have to. I know I’ll be seeing you again. -Igby

These three sentences would sit with you for nearly a year. The letter would remain with you at all times, serving as a reminder that even when you’ve given up on yourself, there was someone out there who loved you enough to wait a lifetime. You’d read it once, twice, even three times a day. Letting his words ignite a bright and burning fire in your soul. Finally, on a random Wednesday evening, the fire would burn away the leash that your parents had you locked in. You had saved more than enough money on your own to live comfortably for years and enough experience to find a job elsewhere. So without warning, without so much as a notice, you walked away from your family's company, returned to the familiar apartment, packed your things, grabbed every single letter and postcard Igby had sent you, and left this life of despair behind. Not feeling an ounce of loyalty to return or shame to cower away from this moment.

After almost twenty-one years of begging and pleading for love from your parents, you finally walked away and toward the golden affection and tenderness that awaited your arrival on the other side of the country.

Igby never stopped thinking about you, wishing upon shooting stars and fallen eyelashes that you’d one day have the courage to cut the ties of your enclosure. He’d imagined on countless nights that you would call him or send him a letter that revealed that you were finally free. His mind would only ease itself to sleep if it thought of the one night you had spent together all those years ago. The night where he momentarily forgot about your shared pain and instead found light within each other. It had been the best sleep of his life⸺his body tangled against your own in a blazing flush of adoration and tranquility.

In the morning, the Slocumb boy would check his voicemail for any missed calls from you and check his mailbox for any letters. When there were none, he’d resort to continuing on with his day, his thoughts lingering around what you were doing, where you were, and if you were okay.

Reading a book you had recommended to him, Igby tried to pass the time. Eyebrows furrowed in concentration as he read. The boy's attention was broken by a knock on his front door. Pushing himself off the couch, he places the book down and approaches the door with a swiftness in his step. Without peering through the peephole, the brunette opens the door and pauses at the sight before him.

Your body stood frozen before him, your eyes scanning his before taking in every feature. He had grown since you had last seen him; his face was more mature, and his body was not as awkward against his posture. His slouch had disappeared after all these years away from his family, no longer looking over his shoulder or running from shadows that lingered for too long.

His hazel eyes held onto a stunned shine, taking in every part of you. His tongue darted between his lips as he tried to decipher if this was real or if his imagination had finally seeped into reality. You had looked different, yet exactly the same. The sun circling around your body, causing your new freedom to radiate off you in waves.

After a prolonged moment of shocked silence, you smile and breathe out, “Hi.”

That smile, your smile, and that voice, your voice. It was real, it was right here in front of him, you were right here in front of him. The warmth that California couldn’t supply Igby came rushing through him in waves of love as your eyes locked, a grin growing on the boy's face before his hands grabbed the sides of your head, pulling you into a long-awaited kiss.

The two of you smile into it, unable to stop laughs of disbelief from breaking through the moment. After all this time, after all the distance⸺this was happening.

You were real. He was real. This moment was real.

Pulling back slightly, the boys' thumbs caressed your cheeks softly, the two of you looking at one another with tear-filled eyes. Unable to say anything, he pulled your lips back to his own. This time, there was no laughter, there was no smiling. There was passion, there was gentleness, there was warmth, there was comfort, and above all else, there was love.

The two of you would continue to live your lives together in harmony. Knowing that no matter where you were, as long as you were together⸺everything would be okay. You’d grow together, you’d fight together, and you’d love together. There were times of hardship and disagreements, but never doubt when it came to each other or your relationship. In moments of weakness, you would uplift one another, and in times of remembrance of your estranged families⸺you’d remind one another how much love there was between the two of you, and there was no limit on it. Your love for each other was unconditional.

For so long, you two had been labeled as difficult. Difficult to obtain, difficult to tolerate, difficult to love. They said you two were too sensitive, too much to handle, too emotional. It was the universal curse of sensitivity. However, as time continues and your love grows stronger with Igby, it becomes clearer. You were not difficult to obtain or tolerate. And you are not difficult to love.

Igby and you now knew that your sensitivity wasn’t a curse⸺not when it led to this. This happiness, this warmth, and this love that would grow forever and evermore.

[an-angels-fury]

You're the Most Beautiful Boy

Yeah, the first time I finish a fanfic in my life (well, I don't even know if this counts as a fanfic anyway - a oneshot maybe??? - but anyway...) and, surprisingly, is about Caspeter!!!

Ngl, I'm quite happy with the final result.

Also, just to be clear, this is supposed to be read as Peter's POV (it's basically all about him being traumatized and emotionally fucked up and, because of that, thinking he's unworthy of love and Caspian just being there to prove him otherwise).

The fic's title is taken out from the song of same name by The Irrepressibles (this one and "Two Men in Love" are so fucking beautiful and have such strong Caspeter Vibes in a way I can't even express 🥹😍).

Anyway, good reading 🫶

P.S.: A friendly reminder that English isn't my first language, so pls give me a break.

(Inspired by this post )

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Reasons to not kiss him:

1. You weren't raised to love tender.

You are capable of love. You know how to be kind. You've doubted many things about yourself, but your unshakable devotion to those you love has never been one of them. But when you live in a world gripped by war, where you know that everything you hold dear can be ripped away from you at any moment in the blink of an eye; where blood, death, and the crying of ghosts from the past haunt your worst nightmares, you learn to hold on to the little lives around you.

You still remember almost doubling over in despair at the sight of your half-dead brother on the battlefield, blood dripping from his lips and his fragile breathing faltering; you remember seeing him come back to life and hold his small body in your shaking arms, hugging him to your chest as if your heartbeat depended on it. You still remember scolding him for his disobedience with your voice breaking, feeling the trails of tears burning your cheeks and blurring your vision because you almost lost him. You almost lost him.

You are the oldest brother. You are the High King. Protecting your family and your kingdom is your responsibility, your duty. To love is to protect what gives meaning to your existence, even if the price is your own life. This is how you love: you surrender completely to the uncertainty of fate, because the light that shines in your heart burns brighter than the fear pulsing through your veins.

You are capable of love. You know how to be kind. You never doubted that. It's the way you love that terrifies you on your most restless nights - intensely, fervently, always fighting and holding on so tight that your teeth grind and your knuckles turn white. Your love is like the Sun: welcoming, radiant. But, above all, consuming. And you're afraid that your love will scare him - someone who never knew love at all - as much as it scares you.

2. When he’s around all you do is tremble. When he’s around you want to get on your knees. Look how much power he has over you. It's dangerous.

There are a million reasons why you convince yourself that you truly hate him. You recite this list in your mind like a sacred mantra to never forget.

You hate the indignation in the prince's voice every time he insists on going against or disagreeing with your decisions. You hate the boy's immaturity in dealing with his own emotions. You hate his gall in pointing the sword at your throat while you blame him for the tragedy you both brought upon yourselves and your people. You hate him for wanting to steal your throne and crown - symbols whose weight you never asked to carry. You hate him because he is an insecure, confused, and angry boy who is constantly trying to prove himself fit and worthy to take on the title of king. You hate him because... he's exactly like you.

You also hate the way those dark eyes meet your blue ones, like night meets day, and penetrate the cracks of your invisible armor as if it were nothing but air. You hate the blush that takes over your face every time you quickly look to the side and notice the sparkle of fascination and idolatry in the prince's eyes, always admiring you from afar, in silence. You hate how, every day you spend by his side, your heart races at the sound of his voice, your body weakens at the touch of his hand, and the words formed in your mouth dissolve into the air like smoke. You can still feel the heat of fire on your tongue.

You hate him for the effect he has on you - and he doesn't even have a clue.

3. He's too good at forgiving and you're too good at violence.

You despise violence. You despise everything that is connected to the idea. But sometimes violence seems like the only thing you're really good at. It's a curse.

All books that narrate stories about the Golden Age of Narnia have always emphasized how skilled and unbeatable the High King was on the battlefield; how your war cry was powerful enough to make the mountains shake and the spirits of your soldiers rise to the heavens. But none of them made mention of the horrors that haunted you, even when you were already surrounded by the safety of the walls of your castle, your beloved home.

All those memories, so vivid in your dreams that they leave you thrashing in bed and waking up voiceless, your skin pale and cold with sweat and the tremors taking over every inch of your body. The screams of your men begging for help and suffering in pure agony. The dirt from your nails and the blood of your enemies that still runs hot and sticky down your fingers no matter how many times you wash your hands. No matter how many times you run away from war, it will always find you. You already know her and even greet her like an old friend. You already feel her presence - the famous shiver down your spine - before she even has a chance to knock on your door. She found a home in you. It's part of who you are.

His tanned skin, once smooth and delicate in the sunlight, already showed the first battle marks, small cuts on his beautiful face and calluses around his fingers. He was just beginning to understand the price of holding a life in his hands. You fear that this burden will be too heavy for him to carry and that, sooner or later, his shoulders will give in to the exhaustion caused by the pain of his actions. You learned to pick yourself up and rebuild yourself again, piece by piece. You learned to hide the pain with a smile. You always held on, not because you believed you were brave enough or strong enough, but because you believed it was the right thing to do. For your family. For your people. For your home.

“But what about him?” You ask yourself when you turn your back to the man on his knees beside you and face the young prince, giving him your sword, offering him the chance to kill the uncle who left him an orphan and who, years later, tried to destroy him and usurp his throne. You see the coldness in those brown eyes as they stare back at you, as well as the flicker of doubt that lies within, and you quickly look away when he takes the weapon.

"But what about him?" The question keeps echoing in your head, until it is silenced by the angry scream that escapes the prince's throat. In one agile movement, he throws the blade towards the ground and orders the defeated tyrant to leave with his life. You watch carefully the way the boy gets up and walks away from his uncle with slow, heavy steps, his chin raised and his eyes shining with unshed tears. The feeling of relief takes over your heart for a moment and, without even realizing it, your dry lips open into a simple line, similar to the shadow of a smile.

This is the moment you realize who the real man in front of you is. That's the king you're fighting for. Whatever challenges the future will bring him, he'll face them the same way he did today: with justice, dignity, mercy and, above all, kindness. He is good and forgiving and you love him for it. But you would never admit that out loud, least of all to yourself.

4. You know what they say about monsters. You know what happens to the boys who love them. Are you going to do that to him?

"You're not a monster" Your siblings whisper in your ears after another night in which you drag yourself out of nightmares, suffocated by your own crying and clenched fists, with your nails pressed so hard against your palms to the point of oozing blood. For a moment, you surrender to the sweet sound of the voices you love most in the world and allow them to caress you like feathers, calming the inner bitterness that torments you and does not allow you to rest.

Maybe you're not a monster, but you know well their wicked schemes and the treacherous way they act. You know them because you carry them with you every day. They are there, sinking teeth into your neck and claws into your wrists, making you spit and drown in your own blood. You still feel the craving caused by the bitter taste of bile that burns the roof of your mouth like acid. You still feel the shiver caused by the nauseating sensation of the demon's snake tongue hissing in your ear, exposing all your weaknesses and reminding you of all your crimes.

They want to break you and destroy the railings that imprison them. They want to crush your bones and make you suffer slowly and painfully until you have no choice but to bend to their will. They want you to set them free. But you refuse. You never give in.

You can scream to the void at the top of your lungs until your knees give in from exhaustion. You can punch a stone wall over and over again until your knuckles are black and throbbing. You can even lie on the floor in a huge ball of pain and anguish and pull at your blond hair as you try to get rid of the red-hot steel chains wrapped around your lungs that prevent you from breathing properly.

And that's why you do everything you can to push him away. The thought of your monsters tearing and corrupting his spirit from the inside out, forcing him to see the image of who you truly are, is too much for you to bear. You would never forgive yourself for seeing that light die and knowing that you were responsible for such horror.

No, you're not a monster. You carry them inside you and hear their angry and accusatory words every night, but you will never allow them to turn you into something you're not. Never.

5. Your hands don’t know how to be gentle. Think about the last beautiful thing that shattered in your palms. The fresh rosebuds crumbling between your fingers like a bruise. You wolf-boy, you war machine. You wouldn’t know how to hold something magic and not destroy it.

Once upon a time, a large and majestic golden-maned lion named you "Wolf's Bane". But the truth is that no ruin you brought to any creature would ever compare to the ruin you carry within yourself. There was no reason to be proud of being a weapon in God's hands. There was no reason to boast about the lethality of your sword. There was nothing glorious about war.

You are not a god, nor a king, nor a man, much less a boy. You are a nameless being, a freak of nature, dressed in a skin that does not belong to you. Whatever is inside your chest burns and twists like red-hot iron. You are a burning hurricane with the face of an angel and the scars of an old man who has lived hundreds, thousands of lives. You brought happiness and love during your reign, but you also left a trail of destruction in your wake. And you know that he would go through the path of darkness just to hold your hand and keep you company amid the rubble of the Hell you carry inside, even though he knows that it would condemn him forever, simply because he loves you. He loves you and you know it and it tortures you.

One touch of your lips would be enough to turn the flowers growing in your loved one's soul into ashes and you would witness the delicate petals decomposing in your hands. How could you destroy something so beautiful and live the rest of your life without hating yourself for it?

6. If you hurt him it might kill you.

"You won't hurt him. You won't break his heart."

It is a solemn oath that you are fully committed to keeping. You will not allow your selfishness to speak louder, no matter how tempting it may be. You are better than this. A love like this could only end in disaster, and you are already too tired, too damaged, too fed up with fighting the inevitable. Deceiving him with a false promise only to abandon him immediately with the intention of never seeing him again would be cruel, if not sadistic. It would be like sticking a dagger into his heart as you stood there, just watching the life vanish from his eyes like mist into the void. Another crime to be added to your pile of rubble.

"You won't do that. You won't break his heart. Unless you want to die."

7. If you hurt him you might kill yourself.

He doesn't really know you. He doesn't and you convince yourself it's better this way. If only he knew all the thoughts that go through your head every time you look at him. All the things you think about doing with him when you two are alone... you'd never have the courage to face him again.

If you could open your chest and rip out all those feelings you know you shouldn't feel just so you could have a minute of peace and silence, you would have done it a long time ago. Maybe then you would finally be able to form some coherent thought related to any other subject or anyone other than him.

You need to 'unlearn' this love, before you hurt him beyond repair and are unable to forgive yourself. He's lost too much too, you remember. He has suffered enough and he doesn't deserve this. You don't deserve him. Since when does a sinner with sinful desires deserve good things?

8. You are very bad at rehabilitation. This is one addiction you’d fail to give up. He's going to ruin you for all other kisses and all other boys and you’ll spend the rest of your life trying to forget his name.

You always knew that this love story could never come true. You may be proud, reckless, careless, but you are no fool.

You remember the ball at the castle after the Narnians won the battle of Beruna. You remember seeing centaurs and fauns dancing, nymphs singing, laughing dwarves and talking animals enjoying the food and drinks served. You also remember smiling when you saw your siblings having fun and enjoying every moment of that night as if there was no tomorrow and reveling in their happiness. There was life and music and dance and explosions of light and color and every detail was a delight to the heart and soul. But when your eyes meet the prince - now crowned king - dressed in his ceremonial robe, letting himself be carried away by the festive atmosphere and exuding the purest joy, everything around him seems to fade in comparison. He looks majestic.

For a quick moment, the new king's eyes meet yours in the crowd and you swear you feel your heart skip a beat and your breathing falter. In another life, you would walk up to him and ask him to dance. In another life, he would hold your hand and place a chaste kiss on your fingers. He would laugh adorably at the blush growing on your cheeks and you, infected by the sweetness present in that voice, would laugh back. And when you both least realized it, you would kiss him and whisper your vows of love against the warmth of his lips like a believer whispers his prayers to a saint and, suddenly, you would feel stronger, more courageous and free. And when you opened your eyes, he would still be there, smiling, and there he would remain for the rest of your lives.

But that will never happen. One day, the king will find his perfect match, his queen - or perhaps king - and nothing else will matter. He will be happy and he will be able to love without fear, and you... you will spend the rest of your life trying to move on, but without ever really leaving your place. You cannot love him as he wants to be, as he deserves to be. You can't do it because your heart already belongs to something so much bigger than yourself. But you're also unable to forget him.

Either way, he was never yours to lose.

9. You still aren't sure he isn't a dream.

He's too good to be true. Sometimes you find yourself pinching your arm just to make sure he's real and not another one of your many fervent delusions.

Before you leave, you try to hold on to all the times you closed your eyes and found yourself surrounded by those strong arms, feeling the magical touch of his hands illuminating all the cold and dark spots of your soul. All the times you dreamed of running your fingers through that long, black hair, getting lost in those soft, wavy locks that fall down the back of his neck in the form of a beautiful waterfall. All the times you woke up panting after imagining yourself tasting that mouth and delighting in the sweet nectar of those rose lips.

Yes, you promise to record every detail of him like a man in love memorizing the lines of a poem. You will dream so much about him and the story you both could have written that maybe - maybe - the higher force that governs the universe will hear your cry and take notice of your suffering, making your dearest wish come true. And everyone around you will sigh in a mixture of delight and envy when they see you together, because none of them had ever witnessed a purer and truer love like yours until then.

10. If you kiss him, you might wake up.

The hard truth is that you don't want to leave. You didn't wait for this moment for so long only for it to end so soon.

You are not ready to leave him. You're not ready to say goodbye. But what other choice do you have? You may be a king, but even you don't have the power to control the stars, turn back the clock or stop the sun from setting. Destiny is an intangible and indomitable mystery and trying to change this fact is a battle doomed to failure.

However, no matter how aware you are about the way things work, fear remains. You're afraid you won't kiss him and spend the rest of your days cursing yourself for missing the chance of a lifetime. But you're also afraid to kiss him and, the moment you open your eyes, you'll find yourself in the solitude of your room in England, realizing that he never really existed and everything that made him who he was was just an illusion created by your mind as a way to escape the cold reality that was your life.

Yes, you want to protect him from yourself. But the hard truth is that you also want to spare your battered and patched heart the pain of breaking again, as it has happened so many times before. The harsh truth is that you are much more fragile and sensitive than you wish you were.

"You love him" Your melancholic heart weeps.

"Yes, I do" You mourn "And that's why I must let him go"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Reasons to kiss him:

1. Because he's beautiful.

Oh God, he is so beautiful. His face, his arms and hands and feet make up a masterpiece so luminous and divine that it would make the greatest artist in the universe prostrate himself on the floor in tears. He is the most beautiful boy you have ever seen with your own eyes, both inside and out.

Every little thing about him enchants you and steals your breath away, even the ones that others would consider too insignificant to even bother paying attention to: like the way a wild lock of his hair fall delicately in front of his eye and you have to hold back the urge to approach and use your hand to pull it away and place it behind his ear. Or the dimple that appears on the left side of his mouth every time he smiles or laughs. Or the way he turns up his nose and bite his lower lip when he's lost in thought or in a deep state of concentration.

And of course, there was his innocent, childlike excitement as he shared the story behind every constellation he was able to find in the sky. You always believed that the night suited him well, similar to a black veil decorated with moon and silver, as if his very being had been conceived by the stars that fascinate him so much and call him by his name.

Yes, he is absolutely beautiful. And you, just a mere mortal, wonder how long you'll still be strong and intelligent enough before you let yourself be seduced by the sound of that velvety voice and those eyes that seem to analyze you attentively as if you were some kind of enigma to be deciphered. It's like he's able to see some beauty inside you that you yourself could never see. Or that maybe you have just forgotten.

2. Because he asked.

You never expected that, on your last night, he would notice your absence in the middle of the party and see you retreating to the privacy of your chambers, just wishing you could fall into a deep, empty sleep where you could forget about the coming of tomorrow for some hours. You never expected that he would abandon his own moment of glory just to run after you and ask if you were okay. You never expected that his hand entwined with yours would be enough to tear down all the barriers you had built around you and leave you completely defenseless, with nowhere to hide. However, the most unexpected of all was when the new king, in a shy gesture, gently lifted your chin with his fingertips so that your eyes met his - those dark, adoring eyes that seemed to strip away every inch of your body - and said in a playful and, at the same time, challenging tone:

"Kiss me"

You're not sure if that was a request or an order, but what does it matter? The only thing you know is that his touch burns your cheeks and it feels so, so good and those eyes are now focused on your lips and the two of you remain where you are for what feels like ages and this silent torture is slowly killing you two.

You're still scared. It's fear that paralyzes you and leaves you stagnant. Afraid of this all being a dream, fear of ruining him, fear of God despising you for your dirty and sinful soul, but mostly, fear of suffering and knowing that you brought it all upon yourself.

But he wants the same thing as you and he has expressed that desire right there in front of you - the desire that you have worked so hard to bury in the depths of your heart. Would it be so bad to let it speak louder just once in your life?

3. Because he preceded "Please" with "I'm not afraid of you".

He presses his forehead against yours and whispers your name in an exasperated voice and you can feel all the yearning, all the desire and all the devotion and you don't understand how you can stay standing after that. You finally decide to break your silence:

"I don't want to hurt you"

You don't try to appear strong, you don't want to pretend anymore. So you do the only thing you are capable of doing now: you just tell the truth.

You can feel the warmth of his breath caressing your lips when he tells you:

"I'm not afraid of you"

And then, he gets closer to your face until your mouths are just a few millimeters apart.

“Please” He is practically begging this time and you want so badly to give in, you want so badly to end his agony and just let him in. So you finally come to conclusion that if this is the only chance you have to truly love him, even if just for one night, then you will take it like your life depends on it. And that's exactly what you do: you close your eyes and kiss him.

He tastes like honey and wine and sweet surrender and, for once, you know it's real and not just another dream. You drink and savor and breathe this moment and he responds with the same intensity.

He touches you as if you were a treasure. You are the Sun and you are magnificent to him, not because of your title, your power or the legendary aura that the idealization of your figure carries. You are magnificent because you are human just like him and the simple fact of your existence is a miracle in itself. He draws a map of the sky on your skin and transforms all your scars and imperfections into the constellations he adores so much. From then on, all you want most is to show him the way you see him, how he makes you shine.

So you take him to your bed and between kisses and whispers and prayers and messy sheets, you love him. You love him, again and again and again. And when the flame that consumes you burns out and you both let yourselves being taken by the wave of calm that falls upon the room, you hug him and press the palm of your hand against his chest, paying attention to the song that his heart sings. At that moment, he covers your hand with his and smiles.

"Take care of it. Take it and carry it in your heart. It's yours."

I'm yours.

[mess-of-a-dreamerr]

✨Sorting every Taylor Swift song by year written

(not including covers/features not written or co-written by Taylor)

——————————————————

2002- Can I Go With You?, Lucky You

2003- 4 U, A Little More Like You, A Place In This World, American Boy, Baby Blue, Beautiful Days, Brand New World, Christmas Must Be Something More, Cross My Heart, Didn’t They?, Fire, Gail’s Song, Half-Way To Texas, Honey Baby, Houston Rodeo, I Used To Fly, I’m Only Me When I’m With You, In The Pouring Rain, Kid In The Crowd, Live For The Little Things, Mandolin, Mary Jo, My Turn To Be Me, Never Fade, Not One Day, One More Day, One-Sided Goodbye, Perfectly Good Heart, Point Of View, Ride On, Same Girl, Smokey Black Nights, Spinning Around, Stupid Boy, Sugar, Tennessee, That’s Life, This Here Guitar, What Do You Say?, Why Do You Tell Me?, You Walk Away, Your Heart’s Somewhere Else, Your Picture

2004- All-Night Diner, Angelina, Beautiful Eyes, Bein’ With My Baby, Better Off, By The Way, Check Out This View, Closest To A Cowboy, Crazier, Don’t Hate Me For Loving You, Firefly, Go Slow, Heaven, Her, I Heart ?, Invisible, I Wished On A Plane, Just South Of Knowing Why, Look At You Like That, Me and Britany, Need You Now, Nevermind, Picture To Burn, Scream, Someone Loves You, Songs About You, Stay Beautiful, Teardrops On My Guitar, The Outside, Thinkin’ Bout You, This Is Really Happening, Today, What To Wear, Wildflower, You, Your Anything, Your Face

2004-2005- Anymore, Fall Back On You, Love They Haven’t Thought Up Yet, Made Up You, My Cure + 3 unknown unreleased worktapes and several unfinished songs with Robert Ellis Orral, an unknown unreleased song with Aimee Mayo, & an unfinished song with Jim Beavers

2005- Brought Up That Way, Cold As You, Dark Blue Tennessee, Don’t You, Down Came The Rain, Gracie, I Know What I Want, Long Time Going, Love To Lose, Mary’s Song (Oh My My My), Matches, Nashville, None Of The Above, Our Song, Perfect Have I Loved, Permanent Marker, Pretty Words, R-E-V-E-N-G-E, Rain Song, Sweet Tea & God’s Graces, Tell Me, Ten Dollars And A Six-Pack, That’s When, Thirteen Blocks, Tied Together With A Smile, ‘Til Brad Pitt Comes Along, Tim McGraw, Under My Head, Wait For Me, Welcome Distraction, We Were Happy, Who I’ve Always Been, You All Over Me, You Do + an unknown unreleased song with Mac McAnally

2006- Come In With The Rain, I’d Lie, It’s Still You, Making Up For Lost Love, Should’ve Said No, Sparks Fly, White Horse, You Don’t Have To Call Me

2006-2007- Christmases When You Were Mine

2007- Acting Like A Boy, Best Days Of Your Life, Breathe, Bye Bye Baby, Change, Fearless, Fifteen, I’m Looking Out For You, Superstar, Tell Me Why, The Best Day, The Other Side Of The Door, The Way I Loved You, Too Beautiful, You’re Not Sorry

2008- Drama Queen, Hey Stephen, Jump Then Fall, Love Story, Forever & Always, This One’s Different, Today Was A Fairytale, Two Is Better Than One, You Belong With Me, You’ll Always Find Your Way Back Home + an unknown unreleased song with Craig Wiseman

2009- Better Than Revenge, Castles Crumbling, Enchanted, Foolish One, Haunted, His Lies, I Can See You, If This Was A Movie, Last Kiss, Let’s Go, Monologue Song (La La La), Mr. Perfectly Fine, Never Grow Up, Ours, Superman, Thug Story, Timeless, Wonderful Things

2009-2010- Bother Me, Innocent, Someone Just Told Me

2010- Back To December, Dear John, Electric Touch, Long Live, Mean, Mine, Speak Now, Stay Stay Stay, The Story Of Us, When Emma Falls In Love + an unknown unfinished song

2011- Begin Again, Better Man, Cannonball, Eyes Open, I Almost Do, I Bet You Think About Me, Red, Ronan, Sad Beautiful Tragic, Safe & Sound, Starlight, State Of Grace, The Moment I Knew, The Very First Night

2012- 22, Babe, Come Back… Be Here. Everything Has Changed, Forever Winter, Girl At Home, Holy Ground, I Knew You Were Trouble, Message In A Bottle, Nothing New, Run, The Last Time, The Lucky One, This Love, Treacherous, We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together + an unknown unreleased song written by Taylor while in NZ, an unknown unreleased song with Ryan Adams, and an unknown unreleased song with T-Pain

2012-2013- Several unknown unreleased songs written with Harry Styles

2013- All You Had To Do Was Stay, Bad Blood, Blank Space, How You Get The Girl, I Wish You Would, New Romantics, Out Of The Woods, Say Don’t Go, Sweeter Than Fiction, Wildest Dreams, Wonderland

2013-2014- Is It Over Now, “Slut!”, Suburban Legends

2014- Clean, I Know Places, Now That We Don’t Talk, Shake It Off, Style, Welcome To New York, You Are In Love

2015- This Is What You Came For + an unkown unreleased song with Ed Sheeran

2016- Delicate, I Did Something Bad, I Don’t Wanna Live Forever, King Of My Heart, Gorgeous + an unknown unreleased song with Max Martin and Shellback

2017- Call It What You Want, Dancing With Our Hands Tied, Don’t Blame Me, Dress, End Game, Family, Getaway Car, Look What You Made Me Do, New Year’s Day, …Ready For It?, So It Goes, This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things

2018- Afterglow, Cruel Summer, Daylight, I Forgot That You Existed, It’s Nice To Have A Friend, Lover, ME!, Only The Young, The Man

2018-2019- Need

2019- All Of The Girls You Loved Before, Beautiful Ghosts, Christmas Tree Farm, Cornelia Street, Death By A Thousand Cuts, False God, I Think He Knows, London Boy, Miss Americana And The Heartbreak Prince, Paper Rings, Soon You’ll Get Better, The Archer, You Need To Calm Down

2020- august, betty, cardigan, Carolina, champagne problems, closure, coney island, cowboy like me, dorthea, epiphany, evermore, exile, gold rush, happiness, illicit affairs, invisible string, ivy, it’s time to go, long story short, mad woman, marjorie, mirrorball, my tears ricochet, no body, no crime, right where you left me, seven, the 1, the lakes, the last great american dynasty, this is me trying, ‘tis the damn season, tolerate it, willow

2021- Anti-Hero, Bejeweled, Dear Reader, High Infidelity, Hits Different, Karma, Labyrinth, Maroon, Mastermind, Midnight Rain, Paris, Renegade, Sweet Nothing, The Great War, Question…?, Vigilante Shit, Would’ve Could’ve Should’ve, You’re Losing Me, You’re On Your Own, Kid

2022- Bigger Than The Whole Sky, Glitch, Lavender Haze, Snow On The Beach, The Alcott

2022-2024 (upcoming releases)- But Daddy I Love Him, Clara Bow, Down Bad, Fortnight, Florida!!!, Fresh Out The Slammer, Guilty As Sin?, I Can Do It With A Broken Heart, I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can), loml, My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys, So Long, London, The Albatross, The Alchemy, The Black Dog, The Bolter, The Manuscript, The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived, The Tortured Poets Department, Who’s Afraid Of Little Old Me?

[1000punks]

bonding. //the playlist

for the folks who want something to listen to while you read bonding., here are some of the songs that i felt fit the fic. ♡

if you want a detailed reason/analysis (song-by song) head under the cut. otherwise, enjoy. and thank you to everyone who supports this fic!

after midnight - wayv this song is all about the baser/physical aspects of intimacy, it's night-based, and it talks a lot about secrets and desires. my favorite line is: that someone's scent and someone's secret, someone's scent breaks the gap between each other - which i'm sure sounds more eloquent in chinese. (translation here!)

the summoning - sleep token i know this is the "token astarion thirst trap song" but i think i particularly like the lines: raise me up again, take me past the edge, i want to see the other side. new life, pushing boundaries in a healthy way.

rain - sleep token favorite lines: and i don't wanna get in your way but i finally think i can say that the vicious cycle was over the moment you smiled at me - nuff said.

hell above - pierce the veil cannot spend another night in this home i close my eyes and take a breath real slow the consequence is if i leave, I'm alone but what's the difference when you beg for love? this song is very astarion to me, i feel like it's reminiscent of his escape/kidnapping at the very beginning of the game, as well as that first sexual encounter.

first light - hozier another token astarion song! festé, to me, is very sun-coded. and i think this would be astarion's way of saying that he didn't know things could be this good before that damned imp walked unceremoniously into his life.

haunted - type o negative this part: a living flame, impossible to resist; burning me deep with every bite, kiss and lick. astarion's thirst, and the effect festé's blood and body seems to have on him. also, the way he can't figure them out even though they're very up-front about the things they say and do.

sexual healing - marvin gaye, kygo this one is pretty obvious but!

mother may i - coheed & cambria i wanted to grab this one as a nod to one of astarion's voice lines. but this line: god only knows when your word isn't pure, and the blood on your hands isn't yours screams to astarion's guilt for manipulating them. oopsie

boy division - my chemical romance this line: i buy my enemies rope to hang me and the knives to gang me; you can watch them stab me on your television referring to astarion feeling like he was complicit in his own trauma, and the anger that goes along with that. also the coffin part (:'D)

vampires will never hurt you - my chemical romance can you take this spike? will it wash away this jet black feeling? i think, deep down, he feels guilty for having to feed on them, and in general, being the way that he is. of course, they accept him fully but he doesn't accept that, not at the start. also heehoo vampire song

please please please let me get what i want - deftones good times for a change that's it, post. no but this version of this song to me speaks desire, not just melancholy and longing like the smiths (i honestly hate the smiths). deftones brought a more "feral" quality to this cover that i really like.

vore - sleep token your flesh and bone welcome me in, welcome me in are you in pain like i am? will we remain stuck in the throat of gods? will the pain stop if we go deeper? this one is for both of them, honestly. that moment where you realize that, emotionally and physically, you're in too deep with someone to quit, to cut things off.

irresistible - fall out boy this is just for the bdsm elements HAH. no but this entire song, i don't know why it fits them both exactly, but it does. the way they both go through the absolute worst trauma (both apart and together) and can still mostly laugh, shrug, make love, and keep on living.

w.a.m.s. - fall out boy my head's in heaven, my soles are in hell let's meet in the purgatory of my hips and get well on astarion's side, it's a song about feeling like he's the sum of his past deeds. on festé's, it's a song about meeting in the middle and being physically present.

big iron - marty robbins this... lmfao. i was listening to spotify on shuffle and i was like this is so... unserious. festé would love this song. but this (and the wanderer) point to the many adventures they've had before they met astarion. and how they're generally a judicious and "good" person.

the wanderer - dion festé slept around a lot before this, and on the surface, they might seem like a ripple on the water. moving around a lot, having lots of sexual conquests, etc. for as short as their life has been relative to astarion's, they've certainly lived a lot. he's changed them though, they want to stay in one place now.

drowning - radio company this is more under the surface with festé. i feel like if they were here in modern times, they would love folk and americana music. they may look like a thembo, but underneath that, they're emotionally complex and actually quite guarded. specifically this line: hold the day oh we pray to make it through the night i think would have been a hard-hitter in the very end of the netherbrain conflict. they were trying really hard to hold it together for the sake of everyone else, and that's something they really struggle with emotionally; feeling like the world rests on their shoulders.

forever ain't long - radio company take me to heaven or wherever you're from back where it started before the hurt came along this is love, plain and simple, from festé to astarion. it also hints at something they're going to go through in a much later chapter in the fic.

undisclosed desires - muse i listened to this a lot when i was writing //taking. festé is the type of top/dom that intensely cares about whoever it is that they're sleeping with. they're a service top, plain and simple. luckily, they're pretty forthcoming with how they approach topping someone else, though. they want to find exactly what the other person needs, and provide it. i know you've suffered but i don't want you to hide it's cold and loveless i won't let you be denied

coming of age ceremony - hyolyn, xia this song was another one i listened to a lot during //taking. it's about coming into a different role. it's the switch song. hahah it's actually a cover! i think the duet makes it really... sensual. give me twenty stems of roses so i can feel your love is a BAR. 20 roses is symbolic of sincerity and a deep belief in something, so i thought it fit well with the theme of commitment and exploration. (translation here!)

i'll keep you safe - sagun it's really simple, it's a lofi song. does what it says on the can. i imagine it being the background song to the two of them drifting off to sleep in each others' arms, as cheesy as that sounds. they haven't spent a night apart since act 2, give them a break.

tell it to my heart - meduza, hozier this is the song that plays in astarion's head whenever he gets really down on himself. i don't know that he'll ever truly believe he deserves someone like festé, and this is the little voice in his head confirming that. it alludes to him tending to misread situations that are actually innocent, which i think is something a lot of people who have trauma can relate to - jumping to the worst conclusions. what he doesn't know that deep down, they feel the same way.

it's not a side effect of the cocaine, i am thinking it must be love - fall out boy put your hand between an aching head and an aching world we'll make them so jealous we'll make them hate us those moments where astarion is trapped in his memories and he feels his imp touching him and grounding him back in the moment? yeah, i think of this line. they both want to show the other off, they're both so proud of each other and so DISGUSTINGLY in love.

[comorbidfascination]

Say My Name

slashers masterlist here

You finally meet the man of your dreams.

Originally, you were supposed to take tours through Cabrini-Green, but after a few fiery arguments with your supervisor, it was decided that the neighborhood would be observed from a distance. You would have avoided disturbing the place anyway, despite it being a hot-spot for one of your favorite urban legends. The Candyman was the highlight of your Haunted History tours through Chicago but the residents didn't need tourists ogling their homes any more than usual.

You figured the fixation you shared with so many Chicagoans was why your dreams often centered around the Candyman. He appeared to you almost every night, sweeping through the halls of your mind in his overcoat, wrapping you up in his warmth. He would croon poetry and songs from his youth, stroking your hair as he soothed the worries of the day. "I love you" was commonly on your tongue when you woke. This night was no different. As soon as your head hit the pillow, you were carried away.

The ballroom was grand in proportion and finery. You didn't need to look down to know that you were dressed for the occasion, as were the hazy spectres dancing all around. Their faces blurred when you glanced at them directly, so you watched for the one in focus. He was always crystal clear in your mind. The slope of his nose, the curve of his lips, it all lingered like a sweet aftertaste. He hated to make you wait, and the crowd parted for him as he stepped onto the ballroom floor in a tailored suit.

"Daniel!" You beamed and ran into his open arms.

"How I have missed you, my love." He kissed your brow and leaned back to get a better look at you, "May I have this dance?"

The music swelled from a low hum to a lively waltz. He led you through the steps, though your feet knew the rhythm regardless of real world experience. His cheek rested on yours and you breathed him in as your bodies moved in sync. There was nothing better than this, you were sure of it. Being so close to Daniel always lit up every nerve and made your heart race like you were seeing him for the first time all over again.

That first meeting was just after the tense argument with your supervisor about your touring route. You had gone home exhausted and crawled into bed thinking of the Candyman. He appeared to you with a smile and many questions that you did your best to answer. When you woke the next morning, you figured your subconscious had been working through the stress, but he never stopped coming to see you. The meetings became more and more fantastical as Daniel endeavored to please you, but your awe was for him, not the scenery he conjured up. The world of dreams could be barren so long as he kept you company.

As the song met its crescendo, he dipped you low and softly kissed your lips. You sighed happily into his mouth and let him bring you back to your feet. "I miss you every day, you know. I wish these nights could last forever."

Daniel smiled and brushed a lock of hair behind your ear, "Darling, all you have to do is call out for me. I will always find you."

You caressed his face and brought him in for another kiss. He had you melting into him within seconds, whispering his name like a prayer. You longed for him even when he was right beside you.

A shrill beep crashed through the scene. You startled and clutched at Daniel's coat. Another beep and you groaned, "That's my cue. Until tonight, sweetheart."

"Until tonight. Do not forget my promise, though dearest. All you have to do is call my name."

You closed your eyes and opened them to see your bedroom.

After a long day of work, you were more than ready to see Daniel again. As you went through your nightly routine, you took a moment to stare at your reflection. You knew the legend of the Candyman, of course. Say his name five times in a mirror and he would show up with a bloody hook instead of the warm hand you were familiar with. Taking a deep breath, you chanted his name and waited for your beloved to appear.

When minutes passed and nothing happened, you sighed and continued getting ready for bed. You felt tears sting your eyes and scoffed at yourself for taking the word of a dream. Wiping them away, you opened the bathroom door to step into your bedroom, but it was not as you left it. A bouquet of roses sat on your pillow, petals trailing over to the window. You rushed over and threw it open. There was no one in the street below, and you frowned. A warm chuckle made you gasp and you turned to see him standing in the doorway you'd just come through.

You ran to him, ignoring the hook and the soft buzzing under his fur coat. He was here, and solid, and real. "Daniel!"

He murmured your name back and kissed the top of your head. "Let me have a good look at you, my love." He stepped an arm's length away, keeping his hand steady on your shoulder. "Gorgeous, as always."

You giggled and pulled him close again. "I love you."

Daniel tilted your chin up to meet your eyes, "And I love you, darling. More than you could ever know."

You cupped his face, taking the time to trail your fingertips over the contours. He was worth savoring. But he grew impatient before you could finish, leaning in for a lingering kiss that sent sparks through your body. You gasped and held him tighter, needing him as close as possible. Taking the hint, he gathered you into his lap and let the kiss become even more fervent. His hook rested on your leg, and you grasped it gently - you wanted all of him, not just the parts he found becoming. He could only hide the more dangerous parts of himself in dreams.

"My love, my angel, please let me touch you. Allow me to show you the meaning of worship."

With a shiver you couldn't suppress, you nodded and quickly stripped off your pajamas. Even if all he did was touch, it would be better than any fantasy you could come up with. He waited just long enough for you to move forward into his reach; Daniel had more patience than most, but you were so tantalizingly close that his control slipped. He laid you down on the bed and traced the outline of your body with the cool metal of his hook. It was clean - being presentable for you was the bare minimum. You shivered again and gazed up at him with only adoration. He pulled away to trail more kisses and love bites down your body. You were so soft and pliant for him, deserving more than any attention he could give.

When his lips found your center, you cried out for him in a strangled moan. He let you buck your hips into his face as he dragged his tongue over your supple skin. Your hands grasped at his head, then found a better grip on his coat. Daniel hummed in appreciation and slowly spread his fingers over your thigh to keep you splayed open for him. Dreams could only provide so much detail - he was overcome by how sweet you tasted, how clearly he could hear you moan his name. Not his title, the one plastered over his legacy and chanted in mirrors, but his true name. You saw the best version of Daniel for all this time and still wanted him after reality showed the truth. He was not your Prince Charming in this world, but you ran to him like nothing had changed.

When the excruciating bliss of release overtook your body, you shuddered under his hand. You cried out even as words failed you and clung to his coat with pale knuckles. As your breathing slowed and your eyes could see again, you smiled at your lover where he rested his head on your stomach. "Come here, Daniel."

You could beckon him from across the country and he would be there in the blink of an eye. He laid beside you, lips mere centimeters from yours, and let you make the next move. With a gentle kiss, you trailed your fingers down his body to unbutton his pants. You stroked his cock as you pulled it free, keeping his coat undisturbed as you knew it made him feel safe; he had never appeared to you without it. You shifted down and glanced at Daniel for permission. A whispered yes was followed by a sigh when your warm mouth descended on him. Just the thought of such an act was overwhelming, but feeling you this way was worth waiting to pleasure you more.

Just before he could spill into your throat, he groaned, "Please, my love. Not yet."

You should have known he would insist on cumming inside you. More than ready for him, you swallowed the precum on your tongue and moved back up to face him. Neither of you could resist a kiss as you hooked a leg over his. "Just hold me like this, sweetheart. Let's go slow."

Daniel held the back of your neck to resume kissing you as your soft hand guided his cock to your entrance. You shared a moan as he pushed inside, taking a moment to savor the feeling before he continued. He was not small by any means, and you had to pause a few more times, but then you were full and it was perfect. Your breath mingled with his in the space between kisses. He murmured poetry to you, the shape of each word brushing your lips. He had always been so eloquent, your Daniel. But there was nothing to say when he found his end - your velvet heat clung to him as he came. It was your turn to offer sweet nothings as you let him ride it out.

"Angel, I need you to let go for me. I need to feel you cum." His voice was hoarse and you would've done anything he asked. You hiked your leg higher on his side and rolled your hips until that white hot pleasure returned in full force. The sounds you made were a symphony to Daniel and he held you close to hear every note. There was nothing he could conjure that would be able to outshine this moment. He couldn't believe he'd ever worried about whether you would accept his corporeal form. This intimacy was proof that you loved Daniel just as you always assured him you did.

He insisted on cleaning everything up and taking care of you, and when it was all done, you reached out for him, "Come back to bed, sweetheart." There would be no more mirrors or legends separating you now. He would never leave you, not after you showed him how easy it was to love him.

[tragedytells-tales]

Fireflies and Moving On

Notes - songfic, GN!MC ( You/yours ), Heavy angst, angst with a hopeful ending , lyrics used: "It's been so long" by the living tombstone, Feat. Purgatory hall, Lilith

Summary - Lilith was tired of giving them chances.

Warnings - Heavy angst, Spoilers for lessons up to lesson 16, some lyrics were altered to fit the fic.

TW - Mentions of death and grief , Mentioned injuries

"You should've be home, your home, not-" She choked back a sob. "You- you didn't deserve to die here. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, daylights, I'm so so sorry."

"I don't what I was thinking, leading my decendant here."

She felt her hand clench around where her heart would be. Even through the silence, she could hear the roaring of it tearing apart at the seams.

It felt as if reality itself slowed down as every sound hit Lilith at once. Asmodeus screams, Mammons sobs, even Beels deafening silence. It all hit at once. She felt herself ball up her fist, her fire filled gaze landed on Belphegors crazed smile. 

Lilith took a deep breath and closed her eyes. Time seemed to have returned to normal as she let her gaze land on MCs grave.

"With all this anger, guilt, and sadness coming to haunt me forever. I hope your now soul rests after all that you've endured."

A memory of MCs warm and life-filled smile flashed in her mind for a second.

She felt her hand run along the once lively walls of a now broken, decaying, home.

"Is this revenge I'm seeking, or am I seeking someone to avenge you?"

She watched through cracked doors and silent footsteps, though those harrowing and empty eyes never met her own, she could still remember the familiarity of it.

"I wish that I could turn back time find some way to stop it. I never should have let you become a puppet."

The far away sound of MCs once warm laugh melted away, only leaving the sound of their wails behind.

"It's been so long, since I last have seen the one lost to those monsters, and the ones I called my brothers. Since you've been gone, I've singing this stupid song so I could ponder, the sanity of the others."

Flashes of memories played out while Lilith let her feet lead her.

A human left unchecked, a mistake.

A sprained wrist, chance one.

Dragged into a painting, chance two.

Threatened over a pact, chance three.

A busted wall, chance four.

A knocked out savior, why did it take so long for her to realize.

Nearly killed for wanting to help, the last chance.

Lead to their death and died from her own brothers blind hatred, it never should've come to this.

Lilith sighed as she stepped out into a flower field. A field of lotus, lilys, sage, and honeysuckle laid before her. She stared in silence for a moment, entranced by nature and all its beauty. The others would love this. Ah, she hasn't seen the other exchange students in sometime now.

Solomon only remembered going to the funeral, everything else blended together in a mix of suffocating emotions, high-strung tempers, and bold faced lies. He knew it wasn't an accident. The faint hint of barbatos's magic on MC was no accident.

Simeon only remembers trying to comfort Luke despite the feeling of drowning and sorrow that overcame him. They said it was an accident, but he knew better. Those marks around your neck weren't an accident.

Luke, poor Luke. He never felt such a loss. He sometimes wondered if it was his fault, he was supposed to be your guardian angel. And yet, he couldn't protect you when you needed him. He couldn't save you, no matter how hard he tried.

The exchange program ended that day.

I wish you lived in the present, with the gift of my past mistakes.

Solomon always enjoyed sunsets. They were a constant in a world that was ever changing. A constant in a world where people were ever leaving. He enjoyed watching them with you. The way the sun reflected in your eyes, or when you ranted about memories on beachside and cliff top.

Sunsets remind him of you.

He hated sunsets.

Your sweet, loving eyes, you light-filled smile is all I remember. Those fuzzy memories mess with my temper.

Simeon always enjoyed sleep overs. Days when you finally got some time away and spent a day at purgatory hall. The smell of sweets, both perfect and burnt, wafted throughout the halls for days. Even if tears were shed over a sad scene, a joke or story was never to far behind. They all held hands when singing along and even when going to sleep. His hands were always full with yours. Even now, sat alone on this couch.

He clenched his hands into fists.

Ah right, empty.

Justification is killing me, but your suffering wasn't justified.

Luke always enjoyed your presence. You brought an energy of comfort, safety, or stability wherever you were. You helped him over come his hatred towards demons. You helped Simeon whenever he needed hand and Luke saw how his eyes softened around you. You helped Solomon whenever he needed a reminder that he's human and Luke saw how his smile became more at ease around you. You were somehow always there.

Then why, as his glass tray shattered, and his cookies spread across the floor.

Why weren't you here to help him now?

Grief lingers in my mind and the pain continues to get bigger.

Both Simeon and Solomon exchanged distressed glances at the sound of glass shattering and Lukes' cries. Simeon walked off to retrieve the first aid kit as Solomon quietly picked up the fallen Luke and held him close.

Luke screams and wails mixed with Solomons shushing and Simeons quiet soothing. Even after Luke cried himself into exhaustion, Solomon never let him go and Simeon never stopped promising that it would get better.

"I'm sorry, my dear MC. We should've been there."

It's all they could do.

"It's been so long since we last had seen MC, lost to those monsters / to the ones who had you slaughtered / since you've been gone, we've been singing this stupid song so we can ponder, the sanity of those brothers."

It's almost as if MC wasn't the only one who died that day.

It had been sometime since the exchange program and MCs death. Neither Simeon nor Luke could bring themselves to visit the devildom after what happened.

Solomon mainly went to keep up relations between the human realm and the devildom, though, these were far and few between and every visit he made it clear that no human was to ever be brought to the devildom and vise versa.

Though, their bond that they shared in the devildom never faded. They still visit eachother regularly and sometimes even leave gifts at MCs grave. Luke soon learned to cope with the help of Simeon and Solomon and now has a recent hobby in flower crowns.

Simeon and Solomon began to learn how to lean on eachother as well. Simeon started teaching Solomon how to cook in an effort to keep Solomon from burning his house down. Solomon helped Simeon with Luke and became more involved in his day to day life, sometimes even giving him a break.

They never forgot MC nor did they ever feel forgotten.

Today was actually the anniversary of your death.

Lilith sat in a moon filled field, watching over Simeon and Solomon as they supervised Luke. Time may not be able to heal all wounds but maybe, just maybe, it can provide hope and the strength they need to find love in eachother and healing elsewhere. Lilith smiled as the two men gained some sense of peace and Luke, adorned with his flower crown, smiled for the first time in ages.

Lilith nearly jumped when a familiar figure sat beside her. They summoned some fireflies that lit up the night sky and mimicked the stars above.

Simeon smiled as one landed on him, Solomon crossed his eyes and lightly chuckled when one landed on his noes, and Luke's eyes lit up as they illuminated his flower crown.

Lilith watched a few flutter towards her, landing on some of the surrounding grass, and smiled.

"Hey, Lilith."

AN - "Sorry, but the author isn't here right now! They're probably out in the garden, so make yourself at home!"

Divider credit - X

[banditomojado]

Had an idea a while back to write a piece using the titles of songs I love. This is the end result:

The Playlist

Sitting on the mercy seat, writing the perfect sonnet.

The ideal husband, his lies shine bright like a comet.

Nine crimes spread out like a flower.

The agony burns a pitch black power.

An attempt to tip the scales failed,

And angels fell from the moon and got impailed,

On the razor sharp sins of us animals.

A wink and a smirk from the undercover cannibal.

At the bottom of everything, his ruthlessness is understandable,

But his redemption is quite laughable.

So catch me on the bad dream hotline

Whispering sweet nothings so sublime.

For a nickel or a dime, come waste your time.

I'll sing you to sleep, kind boy,

At the center of my void.

My sweet prince, brushed in red and living in black and white.

A love not so bulletproof, it gave out in the dead of night.

He has blue eyes like the devils water,

And black lipstick he stole from his daughter.

What shame, he could have saved himself.

But he buried himself alive by his bookshelf,

While the calander hung itself; All out of time.

Stuck between life and death, no reason or rhyme.

Cross out the eyes of the once and future poet.

Dance and weep for all the time stolen.

Hold the devil nice and tight.

Demons with halos waltzing through the night, a scary sight

I mean, what is adulthood if not disenchantment?

A careful dissection of all ten commandments.

"Do you feel real?" Asks the lonely dreamer

As long as I'm drowning in this dreamlike fever

Best believe I'm a believer.

Fake plastic trees decorate the lawn of the pastor.

The four winds rip them apart in defiance of his master.

He's a hipster charlatan!

"Let him burn!" screamed the faithful artisans

All while the golden prophet makes herself known

And the guilty conscience of all weak men is shown

A handsome stranger called death is summoned to collect our meager breaths.

And not a moment too soon.

Hate me and haunt me under this blue moon.

Heaven knows I'm miserable now.

I know it's over, so go ahead and take a bow.

In every dream home, a heart aches.

In all the smoke blown, a lung breaks.

In all the hate shown, the earth shakes.

In all the love sown, the sun wakes.

"Isn't life beautiful?" Says the lover I don't have to love.

The movement of the hand crushes the white dove.

No voy a llorar, i swear to god

Out running karma, what a facade

A paradise lost, a to-do-list uncrossed

But your lips, sweet like passionfruit

Save me from the wicked roots

Of internalized misogyny and poetic tragedy

Politics and violence and soul crushing apathy.

They say pretty girls put boys in cemetery's

Save that shit, womanhood isn't predatory.

They are divine, sweet wine from the vine

Skin and bones and superior by design.

But now I'm slow dancing in the dark

Star shopping by myself in the park.

Looking for a strange encounter.

One last night of being a fucking debbie downer.

So I'll walk away as the door slams.

"Why do I wonder why?" says the poor man.

[gavelsins]

tag dump iii

[tolerateit]

oh you like taylor swift? name every TS song

okay.

10 Dollars and a 6 Pack, 22, Afterglow, August, Angelina, American boy, Am I Ready For Love?, All You Had to Do Was Stay, All Too Well, All Night Diner, Acting Like A Boy, A Place in This World, A Perfectly Good Heart, Babe, Back To December, Bad Blood, Both Of Us, Beautiful Eyes, Beautiful Ghosts, Begin Again, Being with My Baby, Better Man, Better Off, Better Than Revenge, Betty, Birch, Blank Space, Bother Me, Brand New World, Breathe, Brought Up That Way, By The Way, Bye Bye Baby, Call It What You Want, Can I Go With You?, cardigan, Castles Crumbling, champagne problems, Change, Check Out This View, Christmas Tree Farm, Christmases When You Were Mine, Clean, Closest to a Cowboy, closure, Cold as You, Come Back... Be Here, Come in with the Rain, coney island, Cornelia Street, cowboy like me, Crazier, Cross My Heart, Cruel Summer, Dancing With Our Hands Tied, Dark Blue Tennessee, Daylight, Dear Digdan, Dear John, Death by a Thousand Cuts, Delicate, Didn't They, Don't Blame Me, Don't Hate Me For Loving You, Don't You, Dorothea, Down Came The Rain, Drama Queen, Dress, Enchanted, Endgame, Epiphany, Everything Has Changed, Exile, Evermore, Eyes Open, False God, Fall Into Me, Forever and Always, Fearless, Fifteen, Firefly, For You, Foolish One, Forever Winter, Gasoline, Getaway Car, Gorgeous, Gold Rush, Girl at Home, Gracie, happiness, Haunted, Her, Hey Stephen, His Lies, hoax, Holy Ground, Honey Baby, How You Get The Girl, I Almost Do, I Bet You Think About Me, I Can See You, I Forgot That You Existed, I Heart ?, I Knew You Were Trouble, I Know What I Want (It Ain’t You), I Know Places, illicit affairs, I Think He Knows, I Used to Fly, I Wish You Would, I Wished on a Plane, If This Was a Movie, I'd Lie, I'm Looking Out For You, I'm Only Me When I'm With You, Innocent, Invisible, invisible string, It's Nice to Have a Friend, it's time to go, ivy, Jump Then Fall, Just a Dream, King Of My Heart, Last Kiss, Let's Go, Live for the Little Things, London Boy, Long Live, long story short, Long Time Going, Look At You Like That, Look What You Made Me Do, Lover, Love Story, Love They Haven't Thought of Yet, Love to Lose, Lucky You, mad woman, Made Up You, Making Up for Lost Love, marjorie, Mary's Song (Oh My My My), ME!, Me and Britney, Message In A Bottle, Mine, mirrorball, Miss Americana & the Heartbreak Prince, Mr. Perfectly Fine, My Cure, Monologue Song (la la la), My Songs Know What You Did In the Dark, my tears ricochet, My Turn to Be Me, Need You Now, Never Fade, Never Grow Up, Nevermind, New Romantics, New Year's Day, no body, no crime, Nothing New, Not One Day, Only The Young, Ours, Our Song, Out Of The Woods, Paper Rings, peace, Perfect Have I Loved, Permanent Marker, Picture to Burn, Picture to Burn, Point of View, Rain Song, Red, right where you left me, R-E-V-E-N-G-E, Ronan, Run, Renegade, Sad Beautiful Tragic, Safe & Sound, Same Girl, seven, Shake It Off, Should've Said No, Smokey Black Nights, Someone Just Told Me, Someone Loves You , Soon You'll Get Better, Sparks Fly, Speak Now, Spinning Around, Starlight, State Of Grace, Stay Beautiful, Stay Stay Stay, Stupid Boy, Style, Sugar, Superman, Superstar, Sweet Tea And God's Graces, Sweeter Than Fiction, Teardrops on My Guitar, Tell Me Why, Tennessee, That's When, the 1, The Archer, The Best Day, the lakes, the last great american dynasty, The Last Time, The Lucky One, The Man, The Moment I Knew, The Other Side of the Door, The Outside, The Story of Us, The Way I Loved You, Thinking 'Bout You, Thirteen Blocks (Can't Call It Love), This Here Guitar, this is me trying, This Is What You Came For, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, This Love, This One's Different, Tied Together With a Smile, 'Til Brad Pitt Comes Along, Tim McGraw, 'tis the damn season, Today Was a Fairytale, Tolerate It, Too Beautiful, Treacherous, Under My Head, Untouchable, We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together, Welcome To New York, We Were Happy, What to Wear, White Horse, Willow, Wildest Dreams, Wonderland, Writing Songs About You, You All Over Me, You Are In Love, You Belong with Me, You Do, You

Need to Calm Down, You're Anything, You're Not Sorry, Lavender Haze, Maroon, Anti-hero, Snow on The Beach, You're on Your Own Kid, Midnight Rain, Question...?, Vigilante Shit, Bejeweled, Karma, Labyrinth, Sweet Nothing, Mastermind, Bigger Than The Whole Sky, The Great War, Paris, Glitch, Would've Could've Should've, Dear Reader, High Infidelity, Hits Different

[mosaicc-brokenn-heartss]

- aesthetic playlists for specific moods -

r e s e t  &  d e t o x for days where you need to clear your head, heart, mind and soul. move on. welcome the growth and treasure the warmest parts of the past. slow down and breathe.

hanging out with myself when you're on your own, in your own space, with your own thoughts and alternating between being okay with that and not.

summer lovin’ how it feels to be in love with someone in the endless days of heat.

to the seaside salt, sand, sea. you and me. the air is easier to breathe here. 

"in love with my future" for manifesting and holding onto hope for the idealised dream of being independent, happy and stable

green fingers 🌿 a playlist for gardening, planting and watering my plants... to help them grow, feel loved and safe.

what if we hold hands and lay in a field of wild flowers? (plural noun): a flower of an uncultivated variety or a flower growing freely without human intervention. // romantic picnic bitch energy - for getting lost in the long grass and making daisy chains. a blanket. a basket. a nice book. wearing a sundress. a warm breeze.

little adventures for all of life's mini adventures: supermarket trips, museums, getting lost in the countryside, taking detours, walking down quiet streets... climbing, exploring, taking it all in.

young, free and in love with your friends you'll never be this young again. you are free to be whoever you need to be. you can explore. you're filled with premature nostalgia for the moments you are currently living. you love the things and people around you with all of your being. 

your eyes meet across the room you've never seen them before and don't know their name but you want to find out every secret they've ever had. you'd spend the rest of the night at their side. the colour of their eyes is your new favourite shade.

sunset songs tunes for when the sun goes down. time to unwind and process the day.

up to the roof let's climb up as high as this city can take us and look down at the world beneath us. let's remember how small we are and find some comfort in it.

the days when the sadness is quiet it's never gone, not really, but some days your heart feels overwhelmingly lighter, you feel at ease with the hurt and it's easier to breathe. you feel back in your body, brought back to life again.

classics that make me feel something songs you can't remember actually learning the lyrics to, that set your soul on fire.

political angst make your voice heard. fight with everything you have. don’t let them stop your power.

you + me in the backseat in the backseat of the car. your soundtrack drowns out anything but your feelings. fire burns inside you.

memory lane walking hand in hand through the past. shattered fragments of your old self are lodged into your palms. reminders of things you tried to forget haunt you. the nostalgia comes in like a fog. 

not me, dissociating staring into space or back at yourself in the mirror. doubting everything you know. wondering how you'll ever have the strength to rejoin the world around you.

under the stars come sit with me. we'll trace constellations in the sky.

we’re driving and your hand is on my knee the wind is in your hair. the streets are empty. the radio is too loud. all you know is that you're in love with the person in the seat beside you. 

stay close to me for the kind of love you hope stays forever. for the kind of love you never want to put down. 

oh no, i’m in love the penny has dropped. you don’t know how to hold it in. everything feels brighter now. 

slow mornings with you warmth seeping through the curtains. knowing you have nowhere to be. before toothpaste. stillness. contentment. being with your person.

the end of the world the sun is rising over the hill for the last time. you don't have enough hands to hold everyone. all of the hate you once had doesn't matter anymore. you cling onto the memories and take a deep breath.

it’s 2am and i’m thinking about the good and bad i should probably sleep.

slow dancing in the kitchen barefoot in the kitchen, swaying with hips pressed together, noses brushing, comforted by each other's laughs, soft singing voices and declarations of happiness at being close to the other person.

goodbye to us you're unsure how or why you got here, but now it's over and you can't stop feeling. your heart aches. your head is heavy. you can't bear to move.

longing for escape take my hand. we’ve been stuck for too long. let's get out of this town. we won't look back.

rainy daze rainy days and mondays always get me down

eiffel for you a paris summer. you drink coffee and eat a pastry at a café on the seine. beautiful women and couples in love stroll by. the air is crisp and sweet.

eternal (adjective: eternal; noun: Eternal): lasting or existing forever; without end.

ethereal goddess shit 🌙 pov: you are an ethereal goddess and everything you touch and embody is magic.

academia forever for memories of university days and cathedral views.

new city, big dreams a place just for you. boxes of your past life surround you. a new life awaiting. your look out at the city. it's been waiting for you.

bookstore full of dust and secrets bibliophile (noun): a person who collects or has a great love of books.

hometown nostalgia you know every street corner. you remember everything and everyone you loved here.

i'd do it all over again a million times over without regret.

sneaking out to meet you at midnight the thrill of climbing out the window, making you way to your secret hiding place and having a person to pour all your romanticism into waiting for you. 

coffee breath you can tell a lot about a person from the way they take their coffee.

let’s drink wine and feel things 🍷 songs for late night wine drunk dancing, tears and feelings. 

touch starved for when you just really need to be touched.

seething for slamming doors and punching walls. when your blood boils. when you need to be alone.

[wandsolsen]

Champagne Problems

Wanda Maximoff x Reader

Summary: In which Wanda rejected your marriage proposal, inspired by Taylor Swift's song Champagne Problems.

Warnings: pure angst, cursing.

Word Count: 1.8k

↳ Please, be aware that English isn't my first language, fell free to tell me if there are any mistakes.

You booked the midnight train for a reason, you wanted to contemplate your pain with your head against the train window.

The reason for your suffering had a name, Wanda Maximoff.

You sat down in one of the seats, feeling the hurt in your chest burning hard just for thinking about her. The train wasn't too much crowned, however, it wasn't all empty. There were people talking and people sleeping, you were not sure which was worse.

People looked at you, certainly worried about how miserable you were.

You finally rested your head on the train window, looking at the view from the outside. Unintentionally, you remembered Wanda's hand holding yours as the two of you danced on the dance floor.

Wanda smiled at you, and she looked happy. But she wasn't, at least, not complete. Not happy enough to say yes.

However, nobody could ever have thought that she would say no.

You felt the tears coming out, your mouth trembled as you remembered. Your heart was made of glass and she let it drop it.

You had prepared a speech, but when you got down on your knees, you didn't find the expression of emotion and excitement that you had imagined she would had. Instead, you saw Wanda's body tense and fear in her green eyes.

You were speechless.

She didn't even let you ask, she ran away, leaving you there, on your knees and crestfallen on the dance floor.

You were so broken that you hadn't the strength to reach out to her, Wanda's love escaped beyond your reaches.

You saw the pity look that your family and friends gave to you. You had told them that you were going to propose Wanda that night, you couldn't keep it a secret.

You had bought Dom Pérignon and one of your family members had already popped the bottle in an early celebration, it was humiliating.

"Maybe it's just one of her...What does she call? Oh, yeah," Steve remembered before anyone could answer him. "her champagne problems." Steve was trying to calm you down, but he wasn't succeeding.

Fuck Wanda, you thought, your veins filled with angry. Fuck her and her champagne problems.

But even with all the fury you were feeling, Wanda's picture was still in your wallet along with your mom's ring.

You didn't hate her for leaving, you could never hate her.

You remembered the first time you made Wanda blush, it was in November.

You both met in college, and you thought you were the luckiest person in the world for having Wanda as your roommate. She was organized, friendly and didn't ask too many questions, everything a person could want from a roommate.

"Someone said to me that this door was once a madhouse." You said to her, wanting to make small talk.

"Well, it's made for me." Wanda made a joke, and you chuckled.

"A beautiful and intelligent woman like you in a madhouse? I find it hard to believe."

"Beautiful people do have problems too." Wanda's face was getting flush.

"I know, I know." You said. "I just wanted to praise you because, well, you're definitely one of the most beautiful girls on the campus."

And there it was, Wanda's face all red and her shy smile on her lips. You felt your heart beating faster than usual at that moment.

"So do you?" You continued.

"Do what?"

"Have problems."

"Just champagne problems." She answered.

"Champagne problems?" You asked, with your furrowed eyebrows.

"Yes, nothing meaningful or worth mention," She explained. "when compared to the others issues around the world."

"Well, champagne or not, they're still problems."

She thought about your words for a moment, but didn't say anything. Wanda continued to devalue her own problems, claiming that her issues were insignificant and there were worse things in the world.

Wanda was very reserved in the beginning, it was usually you who started the conversations. It didn't take long for you to fall in love with her.

I mean, how could you not? She was gorgeous and caring. Wanda was kinder than the most people you had ever met. She was a dream girl, with her hair loose and long, her sweet smile and her funny laugh. The way she was always up to help someone in need, and how she tried to empathize with everyone.

Wanda was absolutely flawless.

You only asked her out on a date when you were sure she wouldn't reject you.

Now, seeing from afar, you could see how stupid you were. You should have waited, just kneeling after knowing for sure that she would say yes.

But that's the problem.

You had sure that Wanda would say yes with tears dropping from her eyes. Then, your song would have played, you would have kissed her and held her hand tight while dancing. Your friends would have cheered with joy, and Wanda would have hugged you with a radiant smile on her face.

You let out a breath of pain. You now lived with only wishes. Because she dropped your hand while dancing, instead of holding tight.

Just champagne problems, she would say, about this dramatic situation.

You had a black Chevy that Wanda loved, she enjoyed riding in your car, even if you never go anywhere special. And when the car stopped running and you decided that was time to buy a better one, Wanda didn't let you. Often you saw her on the passenger seat murmuring whatever song was playing on the radio.

Nevertheless, the Chevy wasn't going anywhere. Just like your relationship.

Feeling tired of sitting there in this hurt, you left the train and went to the nearest hotel that you could find, you didn't want to come back home anytime soon.

You lived in a small town, your failed marriage proposal was probably spreading in the mouth of people like a disease.

Your turn on your phone, there were many messages and missed calls from your friends, but no one of them matters to you. Except one.

There was one voicemail from Wanda. Just that. She didn't send you a dozen messages like your friends, just a voicemail.

You set down on the bed, before listening to her voice for the last time.

Hey, Y/N, it's me, Wanda. I think I owed you an apology for leaving you out there standing. I-I can't do this, I'm sorry.

Wanda's voice was trembling, it sounded like she was crying. Why was she crying? She left you, not the other way around.

You didn't know it was possible for your heart to break more, but it did. The sound of her painful voice would haunt you forever.

I really can't give you a reason, I guess I never was ready for commitment. Sometimes you just don't know the answer until someone gets on their knees and asks you, you know?

There was a long pause, so long that you thought the message was over. However, Wanda's voice filled the room again:

You deserve someone better than me, you always had. Someone who is not fucked up in the head like me, someone who will never hurt you like I did. You'll find a real thing out there, she will pick up the pieces of your broken heart and she will patch up your tapestry that I shredded. She will be so perfect that you will not remeber me, or all my champagne problems.

Your vision was blurred because of the tears that fall uncontrollably from your face.

Ours... your friends called, they all are worried about you, please contact them.

There was another long pause.

I lov...

Your heart started to race at the words she was about to say, but Wanda gave up halfway, as if realizing that the words were not true.

Goodbye, Y/N.

And that was it.

Four years of relationship saying goodbye in a voicemail of less than five minutes.

Your throat burned from holding on to crying for so long, you wanted to scream until your vocal cords burst.

You loved her more than anything, and she left as if it were nothing. As if your love meant nothing.

You took the picture of Wanda that was still on your wallet, and tore it into several pieces before throwing it in the trash.

Eventually, the sleep caught you while you were crying in the hotel bed, similar to a friendly hug in the midst of so much pain.

━━━━━━ ᗢ ━━━━━━

You heard that Wanda left town, without looking back, on the same day that she rejected your proposal.

Wanda's sweet perfume was still impregnate, along with your memories with her, in every room of the house that the two of you used to live. You didn't manage to stay there, it didn't take long for you to sell the house and buy an apartment in the city center.

You sold your black Chevy, there was no one around to stop you.

You also sold Wanda's things that she left behind, you didn't want anything to remind you of her. Because after the end of the day, you were still mad at Wanda. For leaving, for didn't give you a good reason, for making your waste four years of your life.

"She would've made such a lovely bride, what a shame she's fucked in the head." That was probably the last thing that someone spoke about Wanda, before another big gossip emerge in your town and they eventually forgot the humiliation that she put you through.

At first, you stayed in your new apartment with your heart broken, just watching futile reality shows and eating junk food. Steve, your best friend, was there all the time giving you emotional support, even though he didn't always know how to say the right thing.

But eventually you had to face reality, after all, you suffering or not, life still went on.

It took two years before you were ready to fall in love again. And two years since you had heard from Wanda, you didn't know about her even on social media, since she had deleted them all.

It was as if Wanda had simply disappeared, little by little, she became a myth in your life, a ghost that haunted you from time to time. Not even your friends and family mentioned her name.

Sometimes you wondered if she really existed, if you haven't invented her in your head.

It was in a bar outside the town, that you met Natasha Romanoff. She was self-confident and carried a death look in her eyes, rigid on the outside, but soft on the inside. She had short red hair and was not very fond of wearing jewellery.

Totally different from Wanda.

Natasha was fun to be around, it was easy to understand her because she was always honest with you.

You started to date her on the very first day of summer. Then, after spending all the four seasons together, you started to carry your mom's ring in your pocket and Natasha's picture in your wallet.

And when you got on your knees, she didn't leave you crestfallen on the dance floor. She said yes, and held your hand tight while dancing.

However, in the end, Wanda was wrong.

You still remeber all her champagne problems.

[apixrl]

YOUR EREN.

eren jeager x fem!reader

WARNING(S): angst. slight manipulation. s4 spoilers. brief mentions of (but not actually) throwing up at the end.

word count: 5.9k

song: a soulmate who wasn't meant to be // jess benko

note(s): oh, that sound? it's just the sound of my tears whilst writing this oneshot. no biggie

The prison cells underneath headquarters were as dark and dreary as ever as you stood opposite them. Whilst the windows were generously large, the night sky was not so giving. Clouds were gloomy and blocked out the moon and stars, replacing it with a heavy downpour of rain. If you listened closely, you could pick up on the faint 'pitter patter' as droplets met the pebbled ground outside, the sound comforting compared to the echoing silence within the walls. Mattresses were placed in the corners of each cell, old and tattered after years of use by many different faces. You could only imagine their discomfort as you'd never been required to sleep on them, your record in the Scout Regiment practically a clean slate after your years of service. You were someone who took your position as a soldier seriously; respected your superiors and did as told when told.

As for Eren Jeager? It seemed in recent events he was past the point of caring.

Such a fact was blatant as you stared at him through the prison bars, your back pressed against the wall, body stiff and fearful of what would happen if you tried to step closer. Eren's gaze was terrifying to witness even from the odd angle you stared at him. His eyes locked on the ceiling as he lay flat on his back on the bed of his cell. His hair had been pulled back into a messy bun, some strands not long enough to reach so far back were fated to live a life of their own. They glued to his temples and forehead and even entwined with the strands pulled back. You couldn't decide if the look was flattering or not.

"I...," You blurted out without thought of what you planned to actually say, your pathetic attempt at making conversation followed up with a nervous whimper. Eren barely inched a muscle when you broke the quiet, from his eyes to his hands that lay lifeless at his side. He remained laid down as if you weren't even there. That made your heart weep in the worst of ways and your mind qualm - to think the last time you were together he was holding you in his arms as you gazed under the stars. And now he could barely spare you a second glance.

"It's been a while since you were last cooped up in one of these cells," You eventually tried again, calming yourself down as best you could by trying to be light-hearted. "Remember when we would play cards through the bars when I could visit? Those were fun times," You smiled sadly at the memories, eyes drifting away from Eren and towards nothing in particular. The smile then faded, the yearn to experience easier days once more hitting you as hard as stone. "If only we could experience them again,"

Your tone lowered, left unhinged since you knew mourning for what was no more was a waste of time. But you couldn't help yourself. All you wanted was to live in the past, where the titans were slane and the Scouts had reached the sea. All you wanted was to live out your days with your friends, talk and laugh with no need to worry about the rest of the world. All you wanted was to fall into Eren's embrace, to love him with all your might as he did you. There was a short period where that was your life, one filled with simplicity and peace after years of blood and death and gore that haunted your every nightmare. It had been pleasant, and you missed it. More than you were willing to admit.

If only Eren hadn't pushed things too far.

Eren's eyes shifted after a prolonged silence, travelling from the ceiling to you across the way. He was quick to take note of your vacancy, your conflict as you stared at him. How you created your own form of a jail cell by restricting yourself to the opposite side of the room. Maintaining a safe distance like you sensed you would get hurt stepping too far. Eren sighed loudly at that fact. Which caught your attention, E/C eyes flicking back to him at the sound. Eren pushed himself upright, eyes leaving you to stare at the floor before he hoisted himself off of the bed. Then, he turned to face you, searching for you through the wisps of his unkempt fringe.

You held your breath when he did, unable to fathom just how uncomfortable his gaze made you feel. Typically, Eren looking your way would send butterflies to your stomach. Your heart would perform somersaults and beat soundly with joy. Your cheeks would heat up, to which he would smile and tease and call it cute - merely deepening your flustered state like it was some fun game.

But this time, upon him meeting your gaze, nausea swiftly followed after. Rising concern over unconditional love based on his expression alone. It was empty. Unreadable. Nothing you had ever seen him display before. You had witnessed most if not all his worst moments up front but none of them - none of them, came close to just how desolately devoid he looked in that moment.

His lips didn't twitch, firmly held together as they added to his glaring aura. His brows arched sterner than Captain Levi's when you failed to clean a room up to standards, you didn't think it was possible for them to be so closely knit. But the worst part that made you truly sick to the stomach at the unfamiliarity of it all, were his eyes. Their usual bright and gleaming jade green blend that had entranced you from the instant you met Eren were now bleaker and more stationary than ever. They no longer held a zest and determination that motivated you to fight another day, no notable twinkle against the dimly lit room. Only a barren vacancy the most broken are succumbed to display.

You felt the need to comment on it, communicate to Eren just how worried you were. That you wanted to help him because you cared about him more than anyone else in the entire world. You were willing to lay your life down for him, and had even nearly become an anonymous number in the ranks because of that sheer will alone. However, before you had the chance to open your mouth, Eren beat you to it.

"Did Hange send you down here to try and sway me?" Eren asked half-rhetorically, taking a couple of steps forwards until the bars of his cell stopped him. "You of all people should know you can't stop me, so why even bother?"

You were taken back by his bluntness, even more so by his disregard for your previous words. Like you had never said them in the first place and he was the one initiating conversation. Perhaps it was so Eren felt he had the control, asserting dominance in a relationship where he already held more than half of it. His aim was unclear, but you persisted nonetheless.

"No, they didn't," You said. "I came here on my own accord, Eren," You shrugged your shoulders aimlessly. "I wanted to see you. I-I've missed you," Eren's eyes narrowed in suspicion, studying your frame for any sign indicating you were lying. He came out with no clear answer as from the instant you had set foot in the room you'd been shaking like a lamb bleating after its mother. Afraid. His arms crossed over his broad chest still in doubt, the action reminding you just how much he'd changed over the last few years. He was taller, looming over you even whilst feet apart. He was no doubt stronger, evident with or without the fact he held the power of three titans within him. Eren was no longer the vigorous and unruly boy he once was, who devoted his strength to rid the world of all the titans. He was now an indestructible force that vouched for freedom, his will to fight unshaken by no one.

"If you missed me so much," He started, looking down at you with what only felt like shame. "What took you so long to visit?" Raising a brow, you realised he held a point with his inquiry. If you proposed you missed him why hadn't you visited? The truth was you were scared of who you would find on the other side when you did. Levi and Hange had given you the option since the first day Eren was placed in his cell. But no matter the undying need to have Eren in your line of sights again, you failed to find the courage to make that final step.

"I wanted to, I-I really did," You said in a panic. "I was just scared! I didn't know what to say or how to speak to you after... after...,"

"After what?" Eren reprimanded, glowering at you as his hands wrapped around the iron bars. Your eyes widened and you whimpered, shaking your head frantically as a means to apologise.

"N-No Eren. I didn't mean it like that I just -," You swallowed thickly, your breathing quickening as Eren's pressing stare intimidated you more and more by the second. You hated how much you were falling apart. Where had your Eren gone?! Your Eren who always fretted over you during and after battles. Your Eren who grew antsy at Jean or Connie if they got a little too comfortable in your company. Your Eren who snuck into your room past curfew to share stories of his life late into the night. Your Eren who crammed his lips on yours when he couldn't hide his feelings any longer, confirming your relationship would turn from friendship to deepened love. You missed your Eren. You wanted your Eren back. Was that so much to ask?!

"You just what?" He spoke harshly, impatience riddled within every letter and syllable. You were quick to notice his grip on the bars tighten to the point you thought he'd snap them clean in two.

"I...," You trailed off, finishing your cut sentence with a defeated sigh. Your hands lowered to your sides as your head hung forwards. Perhaps being upfront with him was the only way you could go. "You killed people, Eren. Innocent people that hadn't done anything wrong! You ate somebody. Women, men and children crushed under debris like they were nothing. Y-You... you made Armin destroy that port and your decision making got Sasha killed!" You brought a hand to your forehead, not realising how distressed you sounded as you recalled that night. Tears started forming in your eyes, lip trembling. "Shit! I nearly... if Jean hadn't shot that Marley soldier first then I would've...,"

You had experienced a rocky start during the raid on Marley. One of your biggest flaws as a soldier was your will to take another life. Life as in... a human life. You despised the concept and did everything in your power to avoid it all costs, even if your fellow soldiers disagreed (especially Levi's, who persisted humans could be just as bad as titans when it came to killing). That exact flaw came forth when you first encountered a Marleyan soldier, and your hesitation almost ended with a bullet between your eyes. Had Jean not been behind you just in time... your grave would have been undoubtedly determined. There was a time where Eren was the same as you, never wanting to act and inflict harm on other humans. But times had changed since then. Oh, how you hated how much it had changed since then. None of it was fair.

A silence ensued, your stifled sobs the only thing willing to break it. Eren watched you motionlessly, the glare still apparent on his face as your emotions got the better of you. You hadn't realised just how shaken up you were from what happened. Sure, you had faced death many times, but always at the hand of titans. Where you had to evade giant swooshing limbs and teeth that could churn your flesh as cows do cud. Never had you looked another human in the eye and watched them contemplate killing you. To aim a gun directly your way and prep the shot as you realised what their intentions were. Then a feeble attempt to escape approaching death, all too distracted with your life flashing before your eyes for you to see the way out. That was one of the scariest moments of your life. You never wanted to endure it again. Never.

"Come here,"

You stiffened up, looking at Eren amidst dishevelled strands of H/C hair falling over your face. His glare had left and his face had returned to its neutral state, his eyes boring into you with his demand lingering in the air. You wiped your nose on your sleeve as well as your eyes, confused by the abrupt change in atmosphere. A truly weird circumstance and turn of events you weren't expecting indeed. At first, you weren't sure doing as Eren said was a smart idea, having heard Hange's experience with him during a debrief. You didn't believe Eren would treat you with the same sort of disrespect, but you also didn't want to take that risk just in case.

"B-But...,"

"Just do it," He roughly snapped, suspense in his tone kicking you up the hind to move. With a yelp, you pushed yourself off of the wall - back sighing out in bliss after starting to ache because of the uneven rocky surface. You gingerly stepped towards Eren, biting down on your lip to stop it trembling in fright. You came to a stop once close enough to the iron bars, hands going to wrap themselves around them, around the same ones as Eren. Whether you intended for that or it was just subconscious instinct you didn't know. Finally, your eyes dropped to the floor, lost on where to focus. Eren hummed a complacent sigh at your actions, head tilting to the side as he looked you up and down. You couldn't find an answer to what was running through his mind, blank gaze concealing all form of emotion and clarity. Then, just as you thought the silence couldn't grow any more powerful, Eren lifted his hand and reached out for you.

You gasped at the sudden contact, the feeling of Eren's hand cupping your face sending all sorts of sensations through you. His palm was warm despite the cool air of the prison cell. It was as though his hand was constructed to cradle your cheek, moulded into the perfect structure to which you filled in the empty spaces. His hand felt soft even after years of wear and tear of fighting and training, fingers long but not at all discomforting. You had forgotten just how pleasant the feel of Eren's thumb across your cheekbone was until he initiated the motion, almost a way to lure you in. And with your deprivation of his touch - of him. That was enough to have you wrapped around his finger.

"I forgot how nice it was to hold you like this," Eren declared monotonously, though his expression betrayed his lack of care. Something about it had calmed, but he didn't allow it to stay for long, gone so fast that if you blinked you would have missed it. You inhaled deeply, head tilting to the side as you nuzzled into his hand. Seeming satisfied with that, Eren proceeded. "That and just how easily you melt under my touch,"

"Eren," You uttered no louder than a whisper, eyes closing tight as you welcomed his touch. You despised how much he was correct, that you became putty without him even needing to try. That was the impact of love, after all, it makes people act in crazy ways and do some incredibly crazy things. But you couldn't ignore the odd funny feeling still pitting your gut, begging you to stop falling to Eren's will before it was too late. You couldn't get carried away, he had committed obscene criminal acts without jurisdiction. That was more than enough to get him locked up for life, regardless of the war you were fighting. You should be disgusted by his actions, his corrupted thinking and the way he went behind the Military's backs to further his own idea of freedom. You were disgusted.

But you also loved him. Way, way more than you were disgusted.

A frown merged onto your face, blending awkwardly with the once peaceful content that Eren noticed as fast as it appeared. He managed to figure out the thoughts running through your mind also, the young adult lamenting a sigh and he opened his mouth to speak. Not before his hand drifted down to your chin, tilting your head up to make you look at him. His thumb planted on your bottom lip as he grazed over it.

"I'm trying to build a future for Eldia, Y/N," Eren spoke firmly, your heart having a brief elation to the way he said your name. It had been far too long since you had heard him say it. "A future for us, where we can be free and live our lives the way we want to,"

"I know," You began, eyes opening to meet Eren's. "But there are other ways, Eren. More humane ways. We don't have to kill anymore if we just-,"

"There isn't another way," Eren interrupted, his ministrations of stroking your chin coming to an abrupt halt. "We've tried other ways and they haven't worked," Eren evaded your disheartened stare. "I'm sick of it not working,"

"We all are, Eren. Stop making out that you're the only victim here," You paid no mind to Eren's reaction. "We're all victims of this shitshow that's our reality, and we're all just as much the culprits of it as well! All w-we do is fight fire with fire and add more ashes to the pile with each person we slaughter," You felt your grip tighten on the bars, gritting your teeth harshly together. "I'm sick of all the violence and suffering! I just want to go back to the days when we could be at peace. Where we could laugh and joke because the main problem - the titans, were dealt with! I became a soldier to fight titans, not to embark on an endless war where both sides are human and neither is willing to cooperate with the other,"

"Those days are gone," Eren spoke sternly, though it softened up when he noticed you look away. "But they can return," He pressed his forehead against the iron bars, staring at you through deadened eyes. "We can live a life of freedom together once I finish what I started, all I need you to do is stay by my side and to have faith,"

Your eyes widened, gawking at Eren with complete and utter disbelief at his words. His persistence came off like the cruellest of sicknesses, corrupting Eren's mind to the point of insanity. His moral compass was in shambles as was his sense of humanity. The way his eyes were numbed right down to their pupils, blinded by his visions of a future for Eldia that came with the cost of the rest of the world's suffering. It pained you to witness such a change, to witness Eren's descent into madness as war took over his every thought and breath. Suddenly that foreign feeling in your stomach became clear as day, and you abhorred it with a deadly passion.

"I don't want to be free in a world built on other people's suffering," Your hands fell down to your sides, heartbeat racing as you avoided Eren's gaze. He quirked a brow, eyes piercing into you once he realised what you meant, and his chosen tone suggested he didn't like that one bit.

"What are you trying to say?"

You faltered, both as a mental brace and a state of refusal to your next actions. A second or so passed before you took a step back, creating a distance that did more damage than healing. With a shaky breath, you answered his question.

"I love you Eren, with everything I am. B-but I can't stand by your side if this is the path you're going to take," The tears were already brewing, doing everything you could to blink them away. "I won't sit by and watch the rest of the world crumble because of your selfish desires,"

You hated the words you were saying, how you said them and who you were saying them to. That it had all come to this, where Eren became the threat to humanity rather than its saviour. He only had so much time left and had you known that his way of spending it was to spiral the world into chaos - perhaps you wouldn't have grown so attached.

"I can't - I...," Since he hadn't said anything, you felt the urgency to speak. "Eren you have no idea how much I want to but this isn't how I saw our future -,"

"What future?" Eren persisted, not giving you a chance to reply. "Eldia has no future within the walls, these cages! It's time we give the world a taste of its own medicine, so what if a couple of lives are taken out on the way? It's not like they give a damn about ours," Eren scoffed when you shook your head, tears pricking at your eyes and the stinging sensation that came with it was painful to deal with.

"Please, Eren. Think about what you're saying," You pleaded and begged. But you knew it was no use, Eren too fixated on his 'destiny' to see logical reason. Merely the look in his eyes was proof enough to tell you that. "What happened to you? When did you become so heartless? Where's the Eren I knew all those years ago gone? Don't you miss it back then? When we weren't cheating death and we could simply be us? Be two dumb teens in love and the only thing that mattered was that love we shared? Do you even think about that anymore? About me? What about -,"

"Stop it," Eren stopped you, voice acting as a silencer to your blubbering drabble. Flinching at the interruption your mouth clamped shut, and your eyes darted for Eren in surprise. Despite locked behind bars, you were still terrified, and it felt more like you were the prisoner of the pair. With a low growl, Eren raised a clenched fist and thrashed it harshly against the bars. It made a low but loud 'thunk!' sound that hit your ears like impending doom, deafening all around you excluding that of Eren and the words he uttered next. "I'm sick of listening to you whine about shit that's not even important,"

"W-what?" You stammered in question, voice unsteady. "What do you mean it's not important?"

"Do you really think that amidst all of this I have time to be playing boyfriend?" Eren half-mocked. "I've got bigger priorities than you right now," He didn't look you in the eye, nostrils flared as his gaze lingered on the floor. Your legs nearly gave way at what you were hearing, each word a fatal stab to the stomach. Each stab even more malicious than the last. So that was it? You didn't matter anymore? Were you just some pawn in Eren's plan until he didn't feel he needed you anymore? Had his love ever been real or was it all a hoax to manipulate your every waking thought?

A minute passed of still silence, one of the many that evening. Your eyes never left Eren, searching for something to indicate he was joking. As well as contemplating pinching yourself in hopes you woke up from this horrible nightmare. Maybe you'd wake up in your Eren's arms, safe and secure as you lay beside him - his gentle breaths from deep sleep tickling the back of your neck and helping you forget the entire reason you woke up. But sadly, no such thing happened. You never woke up from anything but were instead left to face an Eren you barely knew anymore. Endure the pain as he pounded words into your head that gashed crueller than the worst of war wounds.

Realising this, you felt an urge to laugh, unsure what else there was you really could do. Crying was ineffective, and there was no way you could let Eren get the better of you. That's probably what he wanted anyway, for you to turn around and beg on your hands and knees. So as your hand met your face, you released the smallest of chuckles, lacking in humour but overwhelmed with an unforeseen emptiness. It definitely caught Eren by surprise, but he was fast to not hide it as he pressured that vacant stare onto you yet again.

"You insist your plan is the only way to get us our future, but I'm not even sure what future you mean anymore," You hesitated, trying to gain control of your lip which began to quiver erratically. "Clearly it's not the one we imagined together when we were younger,"

"If only you weren't so blinded by your emotions," Eren avoided your words, something you noticed and felt more agonised by than relieved. "Stop thinking with your feelings and see the logic, already. It's so annoying,"

Almost choking on the sob you tried to hold down, you bit down harshly on your lip - any harder and you probably would have drawn blood. You did everything you could to ignore Eren's words, but you were so hurt that you were losing the means to do so.

But you couldn't let his words consume you and manifest them into truth. You had to be strong, use whatever power you had left to regain your composure and come out the bigger person. Eren had always been a stubborn brat, Levi's nickname reigning true now more than ever.

"Use your head and think, Y/N," Eren spoke slowly, leaning his weight back onto one foot. He stretched his arm out towards you, held out for you to take. "Maybe if you stop caring for those that'll just kill you off for sport you'll actually comprehend why you're following the wrong cause,"

His words were suffocating and barbaric, not at all inspiring or persuading in the slightest. It didn't make you feel hopeful, it made you feel trapped. All you wanted was for it to stop. It wasn't love no matter how much you adored him. It wasn't healthy no matter the good memories you had shared. You had to stop the past messing with your head. You had to stop Eren messing with your head. You wanted to get out and escape. You needed to and as soon as possible. So, taking a moment to regain your composure, your hands raised to adjust the collar of your jacket and you looked over at Eren. An apologetic expression on your face for deciding to cut the visit short.

"I think I should... should go check on Armin and the others," You started, not sure what Eren would make of that. He appeared to show confusion, blinking once your words processed and frowning based on how sudden they were.

"Why would you need to do that?"

"They've been busy, and they're probably looking for me," You made up on the spot. "I didn't tell them I was coming to see you," Eren was silent, eyeing you up and down before he scoffed.

"You know I can tell you're lying, right?"

"W-Why would I lie?"

"For the same reason all people lie," Eren said. "To avoid what you're too scared to face," The way Eren spoke made everything feel much, much worse. A heavy amount of disrespect originated from this new flesh of conceit that Eren displayed on full. He had always been one to boast, but never in the form he showed in the present.

Listening to his slander any longer was something you simply couldn't handle. Not today, anyway. Fatigue was starting to claim control over your thought process, emotionally drained from talking to Eren. He had selfishly left you in a constant state of confusion and agony, making you ask yourself more questions than answering them. It utterly and totally sucked, being honest, and you had no clue where your relationship stood. Was it over? Were you still even together? Had he even seen you both as a couple this entire time or was it all just a big lie?

"So what were you trying to avoid when you spent all those months lying to us?" You were tempted to leave without another word said, but you knew you'd regret not asking your question. Which had popped into your head at the last moment as you pondered on Eren's words. Using them against you seemed to strike a nerve, as when you expected Eren to talk he did no such thing. Instead, he glared at you for being caught out, prompting your next words to follow. "I'll... I'll see you later, Eren,"

And with that, you started walking away.

You did everything in your power to not look back, focusing your gaze on the exit that was a little way ahead. Eren's stare etched itself into your back on the way out, leaving an even deeper wound than before which would probably scar for sure. Your footsteps dragged across the floor like you hauled twice your body weight behind you. Walking upstairs had never been such a demanding challenge before in your life. To think that you possessed the energy to traverse the walls but absolutely none to conquer thirteen mediocre steps.

You made it around ten steps up, just about to reach out for the door handle - when Eren's voice finally filled the room again. It brought your rushed exit to a halt with ease, much to your dismay, and what he had to say did nothing to help your situation.

"Who's to say I ever lied?"

Your heart both soared and sank at the same time, the conflict in your head skyrocketing as your thoughts drove you mad. What did Eren mean by that? Lie about what exactly? It was the way his words were always so devoid of clarity that hurt the most. The brunette was exceedingly blunt yet always left you inquiring more, prying further until it was too late. A mind game that pulled you in and kept you playing. You admittedly almost swayed.

But so close to the door, your hand wavering in the air just begging to open it - it was enough to prevent such a thing a happening. You knew if you headed back it would be the end, you would somehow get more hurt than you already had. It was a risky move you didn't want to place your bets on, you had come too far to be foolish.

So taking a deep breath you reached out for the handle and gripped it tight. You turned the knob and braced yourself to leave, blocking Eren from your mind as you lifted your foot to the eleventh step. Then the twelfth. Then the thirteenth, and finally onto the floor above the jail cells.

Closing that door behind you felt like the freshest of cleanses, your body sighing out in relief when it clicked shut.

Sadly though, you didn't have time to celebrate. The whole encounter surely caught up with you, as did the tears you had been saving for when you were finally alone. Just like they guaranteed, the hot, salty liquid singed the corners of your eyes and the tears returned. Before you could do anything, a cry broke out and you staggered until your back hit the door. The hinges jolted loudly, most likely attracting the attention of someone nearby. Whether it be a guard around the corner or one of your friends in search of your location. Maybe even Hange or Levi coming to check up on you. Whichever it was, they were in for a shock.

Your heart raced with anxiety, mind and body overwhelmed by inner turmoil that made you sick to your gut. The nausea was so bad you had to hold your stomach with your spare arm, fighting the urge to violently vomit all whilst controlling your reckless sobs that didn't cease their slander. Your vision went blurry from how much you broke down, unable to blink the tears away no matter your efforts.

Fearing the unknown had always been a part of who you were. But had somewhat simmered down as you grew older and developed mentally through being a soldier. However, all that progress reversed in an instant as your mind flashed back to the thought of Eren. How someone who used to possess so much passion now resorted to an empty vessel. The way he admitted to your insignificance with such little struggle, only to proceed to confuse you even more by implying he had never told a single lie. Was he even talking about you when he said that? Or something else completely unrelated?

A little bit of confirmation wouldn't hurt anybody.

It was odd to have Eren be the reason for your tears after so many years of him typically being the one to dry them off your face. Though thinking about it, he had been the leading cause for a lot of things as of late. The number a very concerning amount indeed. You barely even recognised him anymore. The once caring soul you fell in love with was no longer there, replaced with a man who had discovered the bittersweet lust for power based on a corrupted idealogy. Such a ruthless lust that it no longer mattered how that idealogy came to be, just as long as he managed to taste an essence of it.

You hated it. You hated that of all people it was Eren who tumbled down that drain. How did you allow yourself to fall in love with someone so possible of committing such atrocities? To worship him and give him everything you had, only to be told it was all for nothing and you were fighting a losing battle. You knew it was hopeless to hold on and believe that your Eren might return but at this rate that seemed unattainable. Not after witnessing him firsthand. The only thing left now was to move on and pray the world was on your side.

Part of you didn't want to move on though, so familiar with Eren as your crutch that a world without him sounded terrifying. You had grown so used to his presence in your life that all of this still felt so surreal no matter the fact you were very much living in it. Living in an endless hell that never allowed anyone a moment's peace. Not you. Not even Eren. Not a single human being on the planet. Nobody.

Just... where along the line had it all gone so painfully wrong?