#12 years is literally half of my life | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

rollercoasterwords · 2 years

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For the asks: 😅 🛒🎢

Thanks for the gift of your writing!!

u are very very welcome!! 💕 💞

😅 - what's a story or scene you've created that you're a smidge embarrassed exists?

ok i will just. go ahead and expose myself here. see the thing is i've been writing on the internet since i was 12, so like....there are plenty of cringeworthy things i've written, BUT most of them were lost when nickolodeon deleted quizilla (rip fly high sweet angel) and also i'm not even really embarrassed by stuff i wrote in middle school anymore because i'm like awww i was a kid.

however! something that does still make me cringe a bit is the fact that while i was in high school, i got reallllly into voltron. like. really into voltron. and so the first fanfic i ever wrote was a self-insert shiro x reader fic with background klance. for those who don't know voltron - both keith and lance (klance) were ultimately made straight in the show despite EVERYONE wanting them to end up together. shiro, however, turned out to be gay.

anyway, i never finished the fic and i orphaned it on ao3 a few months ago when i decided it was too embarrassing to think of people going through my stuff now and finding it, but it does still exist out there on the internet 🤠

🛒 - what are some common things you incorporate in your fics? themes, feels, scenes, imagery, etc

hmmmm well homosexuality for one. characters that naturally tend towards meanness and have to make a concerted effort to fit their own moral standards for another. i also love having characters who are going to die talk about their futures, and i love when something is going wrong in a character's life and they're like "it's fine i have a plan" and the plan is just the worst thing you've ever heard in your life.

what else what else.....complicated relationships with mothers. fighting and then immediately making out. as far as imagery goes i feel like i very much like guts and gore and especially the juxtaposition of taking something beautiful and describing it in a way that's sort of horrifying, or vice versa. i love any metaphor that has to do with dogs, and idek why--there's just something about it. hungry dog. starving dog. kicked dog. wounded dog. limping dog. begging dog. snarling dog. gets me every time!!!

🎢 - which of your fics would you call your wildest ride?

honestly probably the hand that feeds lol just because i feel like i made the hogwarts years this overall light-hearted amalgamation of fun situations and tropes and then u reach the war years and it's like cresting the peak of the rollercoaster and just dropping straight down. and u crash at the end. but then i come and put u on a stretcher and kiss ur forehead. or at least that's the way it's looking right now--haven't actually written the ending yet so 💀

emojis from this

#upon reading back i realized that.#12 years is literally half of my life #i have literally spent exactly half of my life writing on the internet #oh jesus #dear god #ask

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rosielav · 1 year

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Desperately need to find another currently ongoing podcast to listen to. I have nothing in my feed that releases new episodes except for MBMBAM and that's not nearly as exciting as I'd like it to be haha

PLEASE REC ME YOUR FAVORITE PODCASTS, PREFERABLY ONES STILL ONGOING OR WITH LOTS OF EPISODES!!!

Blease 😭😭😭😭

#Podcasts #podcast recommendation #Blease I keep getting recommended stuff that ended five years ago #Or only has like half a dozen episodes #Like I refuse at this point in my life to watch anime that is 12 episodes or less #Bc you just don't get enough substance #I'm very sure all these short podcasts are fun lil tidbits of comedy and horror and stuff #But I need something I can really sink my teeth into if you get me #Like my perfect ideal podcast is as follows #Ongoing with a full catalogue of previous episodes plus supplementary episodes or side stories that offer context #I need something to look forward to but also something to listen to right now #Camp here and there has been interesting but it's only 34 episodes and I'm literally about to finish the entire series #I don't feel satisfied when I finish something I feel empty which I'm sure could be psychoanalyzed to mean lots of bad stuff #So yes anyways lol I struggle to finish things that are short or have been finished for years #I can't bring myself to finish wolf 359 or the am Archives #For two drastically different reasons but still #The Amelia Project I was excited to csthc up on and now I'm excited for next season #Same with Victoriocity and the white Vault #But every other podcast I've listened to is completely finished and for one podcast I'm just not interested in the sequel #So yea... Please. Rec me something long and ongoing.... Blease.

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iliveinprocrasti-nationn · 3 months

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one thing abt being disabled/chronically ill that some people don’t get is that sometimes body maintenance that ensures you have the absolute minimum amount of function can also be something that takes away a lot of control and autonomy. you can argue till the cows come home that making those decisions to try and help yourself (or realistically to try to make sure things aren’t worse than they already are) is something that exhibits control and autonomy and stuff, but they can be so limiting in practice because they’re things that take up so much time but have to be done to do anything else

#i have to sleep a lot. i’m at the point where functioning requires 8 hours of sleep if not more #I should probably be getting 10+ but i’m a student and i work so 8 is the minimum. but then also getting ready for bed is a whole process s #the whole thing can take 10-12 hours depending how much im sleeping. just to make sure i can do anything #that is time in my day i cannot use for anything else. it’s not ‘oh but i can push through it’ because i can’t without spending the next da #lightheaded and nauseous and vaguely dizzy and with such intense brain fog I can’t think with my fatigue so bad i genuinely don’t know how #get myself to work a lot of days. my abled peers don’t have to deal with this at all. they have unlimited study time if they want to #and yeah it is a choice i’m making that’s true i could just not do. except i would lose my job and fail out of college because i would not #be able to get to classes or do my homework or think. but being told ‘but you are making choices about your life’ when i have lost so much #of what i used to be able to do because i am spiralling down and continuing to get worse is so.#literally last year i would wake up at 6:30 and then go to school till 3 and then go to my internship until 10 and get home at 11 and be in #bed anywhere from midnight to two in the morning and then wake up the next day and do it all again. i graduated with a 3.9 gpa and made it #into my top college while dealing with my cancer symptoms and then the two surgeries about it #but now i lose half my day to just making sure i can get out of bed. i can’t go anywhere because my body is physically too exhausted #any extra time goes into doing homework or occasionally time to myself #not decimating my health by doing minimum body care responsibilities isn’t freeing. occasionally i have a good day which is freeing but tha #usually goes into just. other things outside class or work or eating. I don’t go do something for myself or go do something fun on good day #because I still can’t. good days just mean i don’t want to lie down on the pavement when i’m going somewhere #I just. I don’t magically have control over my life because i try to get enough sleep. i lose half my day to doing that and ultimately it’s #just a bodily function that would have to happen anyway #this is a vent post im just having a really hard time right now because it feels like im in exponential decline. it was nowhere near this #bad last semester. my grades are tanking and i have no free time because anything outside of sleep is either work or school #vent tw #yall can rb this just ignore my tags completely #disability #chronically ill #i keep trying to explain to people how pots works because that’s all logical but there’s no way to explain what it’s doing to my body or ho #i feel all the time. the last time i felt this bad was when i had a bad flu or immediately after surgeries because i don’t react well to #anesthesia and always come out of them feeling like shit. and now i just feel like this all the time and it’s only getting worse #I can’t even stay up late anymore because my body feels like it isn’t counting the sleep even if I get 8 hours #I can deal if I have a free day the day after but that just leaves Friday and Saturday nights and I usually still have to do homework

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queen-mabs-revenge · 4 months

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oh it's real depression hours

#giant hole in my ceiling from a leak from 3 years ago that restarted #and knowing the speed at which it got fixed last time shit's gonna be weeks #got a fucking bowl on the floor and everything and it's dripping water and bits of plaster so that's cool and great #cat's slowed down on eating even with the syringe assist #lab said it'll be 14 days before they have results #but if it's FIP that could be half of the time she has left #and there's a treatment that has an 85% success rate but it's not approved in a lot of countries so i'd have to get it myself #and it's the bones of a grand for the meds before even accounting for the syringes #and it's 84 days of injections which - this is the cat who won't even let me pill her so #but i can't even think of starting that until i know what it is for sure #and so i'm just gonna sit here and watch her die over the next two weeks #and most of that time is going to be spent trying to force her to eat and watching her growing to hate and avoid me #i literally just want to fucking scream 1% of cats ever get this why is it my best little friend in the world?#6 weeks ago she was the healthiest 12 year old you ever saw in your life #i've only got 60/195g of food into her today and that's taken hours and hours #this is torture for both of us idk what to do

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mccleans · 1 year

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#spent all day helping my best friend move into her new flat #and it was really lovely to be able to be there for her and help her unpack and set everything up #bc her bf (one of my other flatmates) is going travelling for a couple of years in march so obvs he's moving out and they're breaking up #which is why SHE had to move out bc she couldn't afford the rent on a double room by herself #and she's only just moved down the hill like literally a five minute walk which is obviously amazing #she's not ages away yk #and she's moved in with our mutual friend which is nice too #but on a selfish note now i'm left behind in a flat with four 20 year old couples #and i'm now the outside friend like i'm the one who has to go home yk rather than being the one in the home #and i'm just dreading being alone so much of the time like cooking dinner alone and coming home from work and being alone etc #and i'm worried as well that in the new flat they'll get really close and i'll be like forgotten about and left behind #and i know this is all catastrophising and mind reading and all those therapy phrases #but it just sucks. it really sucks #i had to walk home in the rain just now up the hill at half 12 at night #and i cried the whole way because it just all sucks so bad #i knoooooow obviously there's worse problems in the world there's people that are dying kim etc etc #but i'm just very sad about it right now. very very sad about it #so it's 1am and i'm going to sleep and i will wake up at 4am for the match and arsenal better fucking pull through for me #goodnight love u all sleep well appreciate the people in ur life x #also i mean two 20 year old couples lol i don't have eight flatmates

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somekindafairy · 6 months

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god i know this is a dangerous thought game to go down but sometimes i really do just wish i realized i was trans earlier, like i really am out here feeling like a real person for the first time in my life in my 30's huh. :/

#i firmly believe that like...life is not wasted #and the experiences i had are valuable and important and taught me a lot #but like...if i had half the understanding i have now i think i easily would have realized i was trans at like 11 or 12 #and instead i repressed it so deep that i didn't even start untangling that mess till my mid twenties #didn't start t till i was 28 (years after i knew i needed it)#which isn't even that old all things considered but #sometimes i think it would be nice to have been young and dumb and not horrifically uncomfortable in my body and gender and being #i mean i was fucked up for a lot of reasons in my 20's not just being trans but that was a big thick ol' icing on the cake ya know?#and just sometimes it feels like i'm having experiences and learning things that other people had ages ago cuz i was just #so nonfunctional #idk god it's been so hard it doesn't seem like it should be this hard #i'm glad i'm alive though which is... a lot on it's own #and i got top surgery last year! i didn't post about it a lot but #i'm literally so thankful every day i could cry #idk it all feels so obvious in retrospect you know?

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maddy-ferguson · 6 months

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my brother called me for christmas and i didn't recognize him because he has a deep voice now very much felt like killing myself when he said "this is [his name and my little sister's name] btw" at the end of the voicemail

#i was like is this a wrong number is this a prank because it's not particularly funny it's most likely a wrong number because i literally #don't know any random man who would be calling me for christmas #this is crazy #he's 12 and a half. 12 and 3/4 actually. so ig that tracks (yeah) but like #crazy #i haven't seen him or my little sister or my stepmother who isn't my stepmother anymore in 4 years because i HATED going to my dad's it was #the bane of my existence from 2009 to 2019 and i loved my brother and my little sister i loved seeing them but i don't regret the fact that #i stopped going even if it means i no longer have a relationship with them and only talk on our birthdays or i guess on christmas #like it does make me sad and when i considered not going anymore before i actually stopped i always thought about them and about how much i #loved them and i do miss them and hate the fact that idk we were only close for the first 8 years of my brother's life and 6 years of my #little sister's life but at the end of the day...it's like with my dad not having that substantial of a relationship with him (i see him a #few times a year for like a couple hours tops and like we talk but we don't TALK but we're not on bad terms we talk more now than we did #when i went to his house semi-regularly for the weekend) makes me sad but i can just. not think about it. and then i'm not sad lmao. like #yeah i'll have dreams about it (not as much as i used to) because it is a thing that is always going on with me but it's NOTHING compared #to what going there was like like i thought about it SO MUCH it made me SO MISERABLE and like actively miserable this is easier to deal #with. passively miserable. but not recognizing my brother's voice was crazy #i always call my little sister my little sister and i don't say that with my brother because i have another sister and she's ALSO my little #sister but not as little😭 like my sister: my sister who's 18 my little sister: my sister who's 10. my dad forbid us from saying half-#sibling🙏#and like i say: brf slt

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aberooski · 7 months

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If I have another breakdown at work tomorrow like I did the last time I worked a Saturday I'm going to kill myself because last time I screamed in the hallway and cried so hard I was shaking because of how stressed I was.

#working at the movie theater sucks I hate people so much #I also hate that the movie theater was the best I could do even with a fucking degree because I've never had a job before #and I haven't even been there a month and I'm already the most fucking competent usher we have #i have to do fucking everything and I'm the only one keeping us on track every fucking day #also the only other ushers I actually like aren't the ones I consistently work with and tomorrow I have to work with the one that I hate #they literally do not pay me enough for this shit #anyway I'm back to considering opening art commissions becauae as I said they don't pay me shit and I really do need the extra money #also another reason I'm pissed about working tomorrow is that I have to miss christmas cookie baking at ny grandma's and that's one of-#-my favorite traditions every year. I'm actually very upset about it I might cry about it at work tomorrow.#alao they're making me come in at 10 am when all the other ushers don't start coming in until like 12 and the first theaters don't let out-#-until like 11:40 so there's literally no point in me being there that early other than to just piss me off #I'll take the extra like fuxking 20 bucka those 2 hours will get me but fuckibg seriously? I know I'm technically available-#-which is probably why but all it's gonna be is me making sure our usher cart is stocked then sitting around for an hour and a half #fuck everything #I fucking hate that this is my life this is awful #I can't have literally anything can I?#abby after dark #abby's having a crisis

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kaluawoo · 2 years

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Can't believe two different vampire medias are currently busy ripping my heart out with their newest chapters. I'm out here, obsessed with vampires for more than half my life, and that's the thanks I get!

#ripping my heart out (affectionate)#This is about #Servamp #and #Dracula Daily #(yeah the DD chapters aren't technically NEW but they count. To me.)#Also I'm not exaggerating. I've been obsessed with vampires since I've been... idk 10-12 years old #I'm now 25. That's 13-15 years when half would be 12.5 years. It literally is more than half my life.#I mean I guess it kinda fits but still! lmao #Me:''I like when media makes me cry :)'' - Media:*makes me cry* - Me:''How dare >:("

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nomaishuttle · 10 months

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aughhhhh i wish i had books 2 read i wanna read books so bad rn 🤓 <- i look like this. 2 pictures of me 👇

#IM SO CRAZYYYY its whatever. im half done with listening 2 ersatz elevator .. 7 more left.. ill prolly finish ersatz elevator tmrw innit. n #Probably i will finish vile village as well and potentially get started on . its hostile hospital after vile village roght.... i feel so #fakee im sry 9 year old me #bc let me think with my head im almost positive carnivorous carnival is the 10th. YES IT IS bc theyre on the mountain from. oh lord no wait #its all so evil let me check. bc theres 7 left #ok my prediction is. 7. vile village 8. hostile hospital 9. carnivorous carnival? might be switched with prev 10. slippery slope #11 grim grotto 12 penultimate peril 13 the end.#im pretty much positive on the last 3. now i check and kamille screams at me in my head Sorry girl.#> me being entirely fucking right im literally like god if he was autistic and haunted #sooo let me do some math rqq... the last few books r likee 4 hours each i think. and i work 8 hours a day 5 days a week...#ive done the math and its sort of dire it appears ill probably finish either thursday or early friday. what on earth will i listen to after #that.... sigh. oh well... + tbh i dont just wanna do audiobooks even tho im excited for the last half of asoue bc i dont rememberit as much #well. clearly i do idk if you recall but i just named the last 7 books in perfect order. but anyways. im excited but also Lorddd i forgot #that i love irl real life readingg 😭😭#i might say fuck it and read the 3rd miss peregrines on internet archive. miserable .. i want to have it irl but you know.#n then i can go ahead n put the last 3 books on hold Rn so i can read those next week #AND ill put 2001 on hold too bc im sososososo excited abt it :]]]]

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loud-whistling-yes · 1 year

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I get a lot of "omg you're so nice and non-judgemental you're such a good friend" and "omg dude you're way too nice to this asshole they should not be your friend" from irl friends and family and I don't know how to say this but uh, if you had friends like I had when I was a preteen you learn to count your blessings real fucking quickly and stop being choosy on who you befriend. The bar is six feet under by now if they don't encourage the entire class to boycott me it's a win.