#3x08 coda

[sznofthesticks]

3x08 coda is here!

she's short but i love her (unlike this banner. but here we are.)

i miss you in the mornings when i see the sun

mature, 822 words, 1/1

thank you to @cold-blooded-jelly-doughnut for the sensitivity read :)

A look at TK's internal monologue and how he copes with receiving news of his mother's death. - A 3x08 coda.

He didn’t know what to think. His mom. Dead. And he can’t even blame anyone. It was an accident. It wasn’t a disease. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. The guy even called 911. And stayed with her. Most people in New York wouldn’t even stop. He wanted someone or something to blame. His mom was his rock. No matter what, she was there. She saved his life more times than he could count. And she was just gone.

Why did she even go back to New York? She should have been here, in Austin. If she stayed this never would have happened, TK kept thinking.

read the rest on ao3

[carlos-in-glasses]

An update to the list!

I'm blown away by the fact that anyone would give their precious time to my fics - I want you to know that I always strive for it to be time well-spent. Thank you, thank you. I'll update this list as more fics are posted. Running from most recently posted to the first❤️:

Search And Rescue - (15k, E) - On their first Valentine's Day as husbands, Carlos surprises TK with a trip to adopt a retired police dog.

Where All This Love Comes From - (107k, E) - TK reflects on meeting Carlos after years of addiction and self-destruction, while Carlos seeks closure by uncovering two unknowns: The identity of his father’s killer, and how his father truly felt about Carlos as his son.

You Can Leave Your Hat On - (6k, E) - The heating breaks in the loft so TK and Carlos find another way to stay warm.

Suddenly, in the Silence – (10k, E) - TK wonders if he's being haunted by Gabriel, while Carlos questions his faith.

Sweet Dreams and Flying Machines – (14k, E) - A coda for 3x08 that also explores how 9/11 impacted TK and Carlos as children.

Release the Hand to Relax the Animal – (15k, E) - TK and Carlos have tantric sex.

When Soulmates Swim – (53k, E) - A season 1 canon compliant AU. TK and Carlos find each other and themselves when they each take up swimming.

The Centre of the Maze – (21k, M) - TK and Carlos have never been on the easy path, but all have lead to the wedding.

With Infinity Folded Into It – (8k, M) - After TK proposes, Carlos remembers the first time they said I love you. And he bakes a babka. Sort of.

Fire Island – (12k, M) - TK and Carlos visit the legendary Fire Island and learn from an older couple about life at the height of the AIDS crisis.

The Light of Our Life – (2k, T) - A coda for 4x12. Carlos buys TK a bearded dragon.

The Heart Behind the Shield – (34k, E) - A coda for 2x08 and 4x04 combined. Carlos and TK work through their kidnapping traumas and Carlos and Gabriel share an important moment.

Afterglow of a Supernova – (13k, M) - Carlos and TK have dinner with Carlos’ high school crush and his wife. Insecurities rise and jealousy ensues in an unexpected way.

Man to Man – (15k, E) - A coda for 2x12. In 2010, Carlos comes out to his parents. In 2021, in the aftermath of the housefire, Carlos feels more empowered to talk to Gabriel and embrace his life with TK.

Chasers – (13k, E) - A coda for 3x13. TK is alone with Cooper, Carlos is alone with his thoughts. Both recall times they’ve chased the next high, other men, or each other.

The Ruins of Wonderland – (14k, E) - The severe winter storm doesn’t happen as forecast and Austin receives a manageable snowfall – without TK plunging into a frozen lake. Nancy’s 126 hang goes ahead. TK attends, but so does Carlos…

In Your Adorable Glasses – (4k, T) - Carlos is struggling to find the perfect poem for the wedding; TK tries to help but sits on his glasses.

Wrestling Angels – (8k, M) - Carlos wishes he could invite his seventeen-year-old self to his wedding to TK.

A Naked House – (8k, M) - TK, Carlos and the 126 attend a murder mystery event in which a real murder takes place and TK vanishes…

Teardrop on the Fire – (11k, E) - TK discovers a birthday card Carlos had written for him during their breakup.

Bath Time and Black Magic – (7k, E) - Carlos is naturally upset after being kidnapped by a satanic cult, so he and TK have a bubble bath and talk about it.

A Rainy Day in Austin – (5k, T) - A 3x15 coda. TK and Carlos drive to the greenbelt to release Lou.

Sensitivity – (5k, M) - TK opens up to Carlos about his past, and Carlos finds himself falling for him even harder.

[reyesstrand]

20 questions for fic writers

thank you for the tags @welcometololaland @strandnreyes & @alrightbuckaroo <33 this was a much needed distraction tonight!

1. how many works do you have on ao3?

86

2. what’s your total ao3 word count?

335,298

3. what fandoms do you write for?

predominantly 911 lone star. the only other thing i’ve dabbled in recently was the old guard

4. what are your top 5 fics by kudos? (i’m going to exclude prompt collections here!)

like a bright new dream (first i love you)

wanna be still with you (2x08 coda)

lit the spark (that set a fire) (firefighter!carlos au)

take me back to the light (1x08 coda)

to be reborn (3x04 coda)

5. do you respond to comments? why or why not?

i do!! even if it takes a few days (where i’m likely just staring at nice words in my inbox and using them as fuel to brighten my mood) i love having that connection, and seeing maybe what stood out to someone who read my silly little story

6. what is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

any of my codas that i wrote immediately after an episode aired—my 3x02 spec fic some and now none of you, or my 3x07 coda/3x08 spec fic not a victory march—simply because we didn’t know the outcome for these storylines yet, and i let myself get angsty.

7. what’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

i think 95% of my fics have happy endings but to shout one out in particular….hm. i’d say got real love maybe—truly just. fluff. and the boys coming home to each other and making that official. i also think the proposal bliss in (not afraid of) living on a fault line has got to be up there as well

8. do you get hate on fics?

nothing major

9. do you write smut? if so, what kind?

i’ve always stuck to very implied levels of smut in my fics….idk i always worry i won’t be able to make it sound good when there’s people out there who do it brilliantly. however i’m challenging myself with food fic which does have some smut (with feelings. oh the feelings)

10. do you write crossovers? what’s the craziest one you’ve written?

crossovers aren’t really my thing!!

11. have you ever had a fic stolen?

not that i know of

12. have you ever had a fic translated?

nope, would be honoured though!

13. have you ever co-written a fic before?

love helping with brainstorming bits, but have never actually co-written anything

14. what’s your all time favourite ship?

tarlos brainrot always and forever

15. what’s a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

i have tons of ideas that i never commit to, which sucks. off the top of my head…the andrea & tk fic that i just never got into a flow with

16. what are your writing strengths?

i think i’m strongest when it comes to setting a scene; when exploring what that character is feeling. i like to think i can kind of evoke a mood through imagery? i’m most comfortable when it comes to introspection and exposition and general narrative

17. what are your writing weaknesses?

i tell myself i’m getting better, but i’d say dialogue is the constant thing that throws me off. i also worry i over-write sometimes

18. thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

i like it, if it’s being done with good intentions and suits the character. i’d imagine for heavier dialogue it would make sense to ask for someone who speaks the language to read it over to make sure it’s accurate

19. first fandom you wrote for?

i think the get down, back in like 2017

20. favourite fic you’ve written?

i can’t choose, so i present to you two wildly different honeymoons. first, dream this night away—almost 8.5k words after a seven month gap between posting when my writer’s block was at an ultimate high. then of course, to which there is no reply—i’ve been growing happier and happier with my writing especially with these last few fics of mine, and this one is something i’m just super proud of, and the support on it definitely brought me to tears a bit ajdnskdn

no pressure tagging @carlos-in-glasses @cold-blooded-jelly-doughnut @paperstorm @tailoredshirt @theghostofashton @inflarescent @birdclowns @liminalmemories21 @rmd-writes @heartstringsduet @freneticfloetry @orchidscript @tellmegoodbye @safeashousespdf and leaving an open tag as well!! <333

[reyescarlos]

trying my best || a tk strand fic

summary: An exploration of TK's sobriety journey from 2017 to now. Or, a season 3 coda spanning 3x08-3x13

word count: 10.2k || rated: m || read on ao3

a/n: As this fic deals heavily with TK's past experiences with substance abuse and grief over Gwyn's passing, please be mindful of the subject matter and tags before diving in. If these themes are too heavy or personal, I hope you'll take care 💜

Now it's time to let the curtains unfold And tell all the stories that I didn't want told I let it out so I unburden my soul, I won't stop

Day One 2017

Three thousand miles from home may as well be a world or an entire galaxy away. TK certainly feels like a stranger in unknown terrain, crash landed here in California looking out the window towards a completely different ocean than the one he’s known all his life.

Nothing feels right. Even his own body feels unfamiliar to him.

TK flexes his hands as he sits in the intake room, his eyes darting around the walls. There are wellness posters tacked all over and generic watercolor paintings. He supposes the effect they’re going for is calm, but it only serves to set TK on edge.

All the confidence he felt earlier as he stepped away from his mother at the airport’s sliding doors has seemingly evaporated into thin air, leaving him with empty hands that have nothing to hold on to. He chews at his bottom lip, certain he’ll bite the delicate skin raw by the time this process is over. But it’s the least of his concerns right now.

He’s meant to embark on this road to recovery, the specialist across from him assuring TK that he’s doing the right thing by taking this first step. For the first time since he’s sat down, he looks at her fully, his mother’s words echoing in the back of his head.

The next steps you take are yours.

But TK fears the path he’ll wander down without his mother’s guidance or her physical presence. He’s lost his way before. His mother’s faith in him, while generous, may prove to be ill-advised now. And the knowledge of that makes him every bit as sick as the drugs working their way out of his system. He doesn’t want her sacrifice to be in vain, but as he thinks of the daunting journey ahead, it gets hard to muster up self-trust. He isn’t nearly as forgiving with himself as his mother seems to be with him.

He curls in on himself, making himself small in his seat. He counts the specks in the tiles of each square on the floor until his vision blurs and it all begins to look like static before his eyes.

That’s all any of this is anyway. White noise.

As the woman speaks to him, giving a well-worn speech she must have spoken a thousand times over, TK can’t process much of what she’s saying.

He catches a few words though, all expected terms. Detox. Assessment. Specialists.

It’s all the things he’s been afraid of now coming into fruition. He’ll be poked and prodded. Questioned. Monitored. He hasn’t even been here a full day yet and already he feels like a lab rat rather than a person. He knows everything he says and does over the next thirty days will be looked at closely. The thought alone makes his skin itch.

He pulls down the sleeves of his flannel shirt, letting the cuffs partially cover his blue stained fingers, a reminder of the depths he’s recently sunk to. He wishes it could be enough to hide his entire body, to cloak him from the prying eyes he’ll be subjected to over the course of the next month.

He longs for his mother. For New York. For a time in his life when the future seemed boundless. Somewhere along the way, he let his wings get clipped. It troubles him to think he’ll never reach the heights that were once promised.

“TK, are you ready?” the woman asks.

As ready as I’ll ever be, he thinks but doesn’t say. TK merely nods and stands up on shaky legs.

The next steps you take are yours, he hears once again, the refrain like a mantra.

He moves forward, one foot before the other, praying that this time, he’s walking into a better future.

Day Thirty-One

The moment the wheels touch down on the tarmac, TK takes a breath, relief rushing through his veins like blood.

He’s home.

In hindsight, spending a month in California had been the right call. It was impossible not to compare and contrast the version of himself he was a mere thirty days ago with who he was now. That TK had been a relative stranger, some funhouse mirror version of himself stretched and altered so greatly that he could barely recognize his own reflection most days.

He takes a cab to Manhattan, his eyes never leaving the window as he drinks in the familiar sights and sounds of New York. California had served its purpose. New surroundings and people helped to adjust his mindset. Trained professionals worked closely with him to mold him into something he could be proud of. Even on his worst days, the times when self-doubt reared its ugly head, he stayed the course and stuck it out without protest.

He refused to let his mother’s best efforts go to waste. Or his either, for that matter.

Settled back in his apartment, it’s strange how this now feels unfamiliar to him. He spends the morning cleaning up, tidying his space, finding some rhythm in this dance he once knew.

His mother had initially offered to take off work and pick him up at the airport, but TK had politely declined. She’d already done enough and, truthfully, TK needed some time to himself to get something of a routine going again.

They do commemorate his homecoming later in the day the best way they know how— with dim sum on Spring Street.

It’s impossible not to think back on the last time he was here, so drained and dope sick from the drugs he’d pumped into his body.

Thirty days had both dragged and gone by in the blink of an eye. As he rips his chopsticks free of their paper wrapping, it isn’t lost on him just how weak he’d been on his last visit here, so exhausted and encumbered it’d been a struggle to even bring his food to his own mouth.

Shame burns white hot in the pit of his stomach as he thinks back on his outburst during that meal. It’s hard to reconcile with the person he was just a mere month ago.

His mother must sense where his thoughts are now as she reaches a hand across the table and settles it over his. It’s only then that TK realizes he’s trembling.

He looks up and into his mother’s stunning blue eyes, her gaze firm yet comforting as she begins to speak.

“It’s overwhelming, I know. But you’ve come so far. We’re here to celebrate that. I’m so proud of you, TK. I hope you’re proud of yourself too.”

Celebrate the wins, no matter how big or small, he’d been reminded of repeatedly out in California.

This was a big one.

This thing that’s inside of him will always lurk in the corners. TK is hellbent on keeping his demons to the shadows, at the very least. He understands enough to know they’ll never fully be vanquished, but they don’t have to live alongside him either, occupying space. He doesn’t have to give them air.

It had become easier to stave off the urge to revert when he was safe inside the facility with no means of getting his hands on something.

But now, he’s back in his old stomping grounds, returned to a city he knows all too well. TK knows where to look should the urge come knocking. Suddenly the wound inside him feels exposed, vulnerable. But he’s been equipped with the tools to protect himself. That’s a better position than where he stood just a few weeks ago.

He turns his hand, letting it sit palm up and gives his mother’s hand a light squeeze, their fingers interlocking as he’d done so many times as a kid.

The last time they were here, he’d snapped at her, insisting that he wasn’t a baby in need of coddling. But the fact remained, he would always be Gwyneth Morgan’s child. And for that, he would always be grateful.

“I am. I couldn’t have done any of this without you though. You signed me up. You got me on that plane.”

Gwyn smiles softly and shakes her head a little.

“But you saw the program through. I’d say you had the harder job,” she muses.

But TK remembers clearly the agony she’d been through just a month ago at his hands, the sheer desperation in her voice and face as she pleaded with him in this very same restaurant. He remembers all too vividly the strain in her eyes as she fought to keep her tears at bay in California.

He can’t even imagine how deeply she must have dug to find the strength to walk away at those sliding doors, to fight off every instinct she must have felt to go with him the rest of the way.

TK could argue she’s endured just as much as him, just in other ways. Having a front row seat to his battle. Watching her only child suffer. That had to be hell on earth and yet, she kept fighting nonetheless. For him.

“Thank you for saving me…for seeing what I didn’t want to. I know that couldn’t have been easy for you, but you made the sacrifice anyway.”

Her face grows serious though her eyes remain filled with warmth as she stares straight at him.

“I’m your mother. You will always be worth it to me, TK. Always.”

Year One 2018

“When I look back on where I was a year ago…it kinda feels more like a page out of someone else’s story. My past doesn’t have to be my future.”

He looks out at those seated, immediately spotting his parents beaming at him. The pride in their eyes strengthens TK, gives him the courage to keep speaking.

“I know the road ahead won’t always be an easy one. But I feel confident that I can face whatever might be in store for me. The good, the bad, and everything in between. I’m ready to give myself permission to experience the world again. Without fear.”

TK turns the one year chip over in his hand, holds it like it’s gold or some other precious metal. In his eyes, it’s worth so much more than that.

Three hundred and sixty-five days. A milestone. A feat. A goal post he’d been aiming towards that he can now say he’s successfully managed to clear.

He has followed advisement to the letter, hung on to each bit of guidance from his counselor and tips from others in group who knew firsthand the journey he was embarking on.

TK smiles to himself and pockets the coin though he keeps a hold of it, his thumb gently tracing over the smooth surface. It brings him comfort.

“Thank you,” he concludes simply to the group at large. They all clap, some patting him on the back, others murmuring their congratulations to him. It’s a scene he had daydreamed about for so long, it’s a bit jarring to know that it’s real, that he’s truly able to bask in this moment.

Even in the sea of praise from this community he’s come to rely on so heavily throughout this past year, his eyes still find their way to his parents, to his mother in particular. Her eyes shine with a different set of tears than the ones she’d held back last year in L.A. Her words from then still echo in his head, a driving force for this next leg of the race he’s gearing up to run.

He’ll continue taking these next steps, charting a path for himself that leads to continued health and happiness.

Year Two 2019

What a difference a year makes, as he sits across from Alex at dinner, their fingers interlocked on the table.

It was advised that he not date in his first year of recovery, that he’d be predisposed to growing too dependent on his partner. The first year was a delicate time in which he had to learn about himself. He’d taken the guidance to heart in the time since and had focused on keeping his head down, centering his attention on work and himself.

Alex came into his life unexpectedly, at a time when TK wasn’t actively looking. It felt a lot like fate. A reward for all the hard work he’d been putting forth.

As he listens on as Alex tells him about his day, TK can’t help but to smile in pure joy and contentment with where his life has taken him. This is the sense of normalcy he’s longed for. His chance of a happily ever after despite the horrors of his past. Alex sees him and loves him.

It’s only been a few months, but it feels as if the tide has turned once and for all.

He holds on to Alex a little closer. He won’t let this level of happiness slip through his fingers.

Year Three 2020

What a difference a year makes, as he sits on the edge of his bed, his hand clenched into a tight fist around the small baggie of white pills that call to him with promises of comfort and a guarantee of him to forget—if only temporarily.

It’s hardly reverting back to a night in a drug den, he tells himself. A quick score to take the edge of is all he’ll need to be as good as new.

That was the danger in familiar roads. They welcomed a person back like an old friend.

He’d rebuilt himself from ashes, created a whole new foundation. But as he opens the bag now, shakes loose the pills that fall like thick snowflakes into the center of his palm, TK sees it will never be enough.

What was the point in trying anymore when his best efforts ultimately didn’t yield results?

Alex didn’t love him anymore. Hadn’t for months now and TK had been none the wiser. He’d felt Alex slipping away, but it’d been easy to write it off, to blame work and crazy schedules. But what it ultimately came down to, as far as TK can see, is that he wasn’t worth it. Not Alex’s time or his honesty either.

All the hope TK had stored within this man has now gone up into flames. It’s ironic, TK thinks. It was his job to rescue people from burning buildings and yet here he was now, trapped in a proverbial one of his own making that he couldn't escape.

I can’t marry you

I’m in love with someone else

I didn’t want to hurt you

But Alex had gone and done just that, in the cruelest of ways. TK’s worst fear was now realized. It didn’t matter how much effort he put into this, he wasn’t destined to know happiness, at least not for long. He gets it in drips and drabs, short lived flashes that taunt him with mere glimpses of what life could look like. If only he were someone else. The kind of person that gets the prince and a happily ever after.

Instead, this is the kind of story he gets: a tragedy.

TK wakes with a terrifying start and empties his stomach on his living room floor. Somehow it’s daytime, the sunlight coming through the windows reaching his cold skin. His vision blurs at the bodies surrounding him, his ears filling with the sounds of rushed voices. Through the haze of unfamiliarity, he sees his father and TK lunges into his embrace, clinging desperately to his dad as if he’s a life preserver. TK supposes that’s what his father is now, literally and figuratively.

He’s gone adrift. His father has brought him back. Apparently from the brink of death.

A stream of apologies pours from his lips. An I’m sorry for putting myself in danger again. An I’m sorry for not coming to you. An I’m sorry for not being strong enough.

His dad cradles him to his chest and through the blood rushing in his own ears, TK can hear the heavy thumping of his father’s heartbeat. As wild and erratic as TK’s thoughts are now.

This is not the version of himself he ever wanted to be again. Two years of hard work stripped away in a moment of sheer and utter weakness.

As he sits beside his father, staring out at the lights reflecting off the East River later that evening, the full scope of his lost sobriety plagues him. The darkness inside him looms much like the pitch black sky overhead.

“Were you trying to kill yourself?” his father asks, clearly trying to make sense of the situation TK has put them in now.

It’s a fair question and, for a moment, TK hesitates. His eyes catch once more on his beloved city. He wouldn’t want to trade in his life. For as much as each day can feel like a battle, he’s glad for each breath.

What he wanted was a temporary escape. What he needed was a chance to free himself of the unbearable weight crushing against him.

No, he hadn’t gone into this wishing to end it all permanently. He simply longed for time outside of his own mind. He assures his father of as much.

“No,” he replies.

Years of progress erased in one night. His eyes sting with tears he refuses to shed. His father promises tough love from here on out. TK knows it’s fair; he’ll pay whatever penance comes his way as a result of his actions.

“Pack your stuff. We’re getting out of town.”

TK shakes his head. “Dad, please. I am not in the mood for a vacation.”

All he wants to do now is stay in bed, hide under the covers and forget the events of last night and today.

“I’m not talking about a vacation.”

Something in the older man’s tone makes TK uneasy. The finality of those words certainly doesn’t help.

He turns back to his father, brows furrowed.

“Something permanent then?” TK asks incredulously. He supposes he’s in no real position to argue now, but he’s exhausted and irritable. There’s already so much going on in his mind, he can barely think beyond this night.

“Where would we even go?”

Upstate is TK’s first thought. California and back to rehab is his second. He’s completely unprepared for the word “Austin” to fall from his dad’s lips.

What in the world could Texas of all places possibly have to offer him?

“Austin? Seriously? What’s there?”

His father looks away from the Brooklyn Bridge. He looks determined, his eyes piercing, almost haunted. It sends a chill down TK’s spine. His father is at his wit’s end, just as lost as TK feels now.

“A fresh start. A new beginning,” Owen says resolutely.

In TK’s mind, his father has always been like a superhero; very little ever seems to rattle him. For him to be this unsure now unnerves something in TK. If he can’t make Austin work, there may be no saving him.

“I want you to give this all you’ve got, TK. This could be really good for you…if you let it be.”

Austin, TX 2020

To the city’s credit, Austin has surprised TK. He can admit he held some preconceived notions about what life would be like in the south. To his surprise, living with his father again isn’t actually as suffocating as he thought it’d be. They’ve managed to rebuild the 126 and TK is enamored with the team they’ve assembled. He even finds the routine of therapy twice a week to be helpful.

He looks at Austin as the clean slate his father was hoping it’d be and in just about every aspect, that’s been holding true.

But there’s the matter of Carlos Reyes.

It scares him, just how much Carlos has gotten under his skin and right to the heart of him. They were, in his eyes, destined to be nothing more than casual. It should have been simple and yet, things have gotten so complicated, TK can’t even picture his face without feeling haunted.

It was never supposed to go this far.

But this man is…different.

Dinner made in the middle of the night unprompted, candlelit and home-cooked, specially made just for him.

A man so sincere in his efforts that he genuinely wants to hear about mundane things like how his day has been.

It was never supposed to go this far.

In another life, Carlos would be exactly what he wants. But the timing isn’t right and if his failed relationship with Alex has taught him anything, it’s that hope was the most dangerous thing a person could feel.

Carlos’ energy radiates comfort and security. TK is far too afraid to want. Nothing good has ever come from such a thing.  

If he can’t allow himself to accept joy, he’ll fuel the rage that lives under his skin. It’s always there, like a splinter wedged uncomfortably just under the surface.

The Trap is exactly as featured in the pictures on Google with motorcycles lined up outside and music pouring out so loudly it drowns out the small voice in his head that tells him he’s making a bad decision.

This may be ill-advised, but it’s the lesser of two evils, he rationalizes. Seeking out a way to burn through this restless wanting with fists rather than pills seems like a good call.

It takes mere seconds to scope out an easy mark and TK gets a two for one special in the form of two jerks harassing the young female bartender. It’s a win/win. He wastes no time wedging between the two of them, making a real show of getting the woman’s attention and putting in his order.

Their tempers are as short as his and all it takes is a few select words and a smug grin to fan the flames.

He’s been spoiling for a fight all evening. He’s ready for it as the anger from the two guys reach their boiling point. He expertly ducks, avoiding the first swing aimed at him and smoothly connects to make one of his own.

This is a different kind of high. It certainly isn’t healthy, but once more his half-baked rationale insists it’s best this way to cope.

The first punch that lands on him feels good in a sick way, like picking at a scab. He isn’t giving himself the time and space to heal, but it makes him feel something tangible.

He’s little more than an exposed wound himself, he thinks. How else could he explain the position he’s actively put himself in tonight?

It’s the first time in weeks he’s truly felt an emotion other than sadness—aside from his interactions with Carlos.

But he can’t think about him now.

All his anger and frustration has bubbled up to the surface; it needs to be released.

TK lands blow after blow until his knuckles feel raw, the crowd around them cheering on the spectacle. He imagines such a sight is commonplace in an utter dive like this. The boisterous cheers and jeers of drunken patrons egg him on, add more fuel to the fire burning inside his veins.

There are hands pulling at him and in his blind fury, he launches back to swing, but the glint of a badge pinned to a dark blue uniform stops him.

Even in the splash of blue and red lights, he feels nothing the entire time, all the fight kicked out of him the moment he was cuffed.

He’s subjected to a breathalyzer that he knows is routine, but ultimately pointless, and a ride in the back of an APD cruiser to take him down to the station.

His mind feels light years away from his body, existing in some different plane entirely as he is taken from the vehicle and brought inside.

The harsh fluorescent lights of the precinct throw the crimson bruises on his knuckles into sharp contrast against his pale skin. His face is throbbing and he can only imagine his lip and cheeks must look just as bad—if not worse— than his hands. That’s the least of his concern now as Carlos gets situated at his desk.

Of course this is how his night would end.

The two exchange clipped words, the memory of their disastrous midnight meeting far too fresh. TK’s mood is at an all-time low and he’s not interested in making matters worse by revisiting that sore spot.

“Isn’t you processing me some sort of conflict of interest or something?”

TK tamps down the way his heart clenches at his own words, the unintentional reminder of their short-lived but impactful shared history. It’s not as if he could necessarily forget what has transpired between them, but he’s been doing his damndest to shove any and every feeling this man ignites in him into a box within the recesses of his mind.

It certainly doesn’t help now looking at Carlos’ serious expression. Those eyes. They’ll be the death of him.

“I’m not trying to be your boyfriend, or even your friend if you're not into it. But you should talk to someone about why you felt compelled to do something so suicidal.”

For as defensive as he’s been this whole time, something in TK shutters at the word, recoils from it like getting too close to an open flame. It calls to mind that night seated with his father after his relapse. He too had plainly called into question TK’s emotional state. Consequences truly meant nothing to him. Nothing did, not when his heart, body, and mind have been so disconnected from the moment Alex made his confession.

That night, he knows, will forever be a turning point for him. Moving almost two thousand miles away hasn’t been enough to fully distance himself from it. He’s living through the aftershocks and he sees now that he’s not the only person being hurt as a result.

The last thing he wants to do is cause pain to anyone, especially Carlos who has done nothing other than show interest and kindness to him.

Even now, in the face of it all, Carlos cares for him.

TK’s breathing quickens as Carlos wipes his mouth. There’s an intimacy to it, far different from hooking up on Carlos’ couch. Whatever this is that’s been blossoming between them, it’s not just physical.

He sees clearly now what he’s been trying to dodge this whole time. Carlos deserves to know what’s truly going on with him, why he’s been so distant and outwardly afraid of. He explains in the simplest way that he can about his breakup and subsequent relapse.

“You mean with me?”

Something about the question unsettles TK. How many times has Carlos had his heart broken? What had he endured in past relationships to view himself as a wrong choice? An error or lapse in judgment?

Carlos can’t even bring himself to look at him apparently, but TK takes in everything about his profile as the truth spills out of him.

“No, I mean with substances.”

As expected, this gets Carlos’ attention, but TK is ready, albeit a bit embarrassed. This whole night is unspooling itself in ways he couldn’t have foreseen. But there’s something almost liberating about getting the words out. Perhaps more so it’s about who he’s telling it all to.

Carlos sits with it all for a moment. That’s enough for tonight, TK knows. At least now Carlos has a better understanding. TK grabs his keys and wallet before getting up from his seat. His mind still buzzes with all that he’s confessed to and a small part of him worries that what he has shared will change things between them. Maybe now that the truth is out there, however neatly summarized, it’ll be too much for Carlos.

But as the young officer breaks the tension with some levity, TK manages a smile for the first time all night. It shouldn’t be surprising that Carlos somehow understands just what he needs now.

All the stress and frustration from this evening has melted away, as too has the guard he’s been putting up around his heart. TK may not be able to say with certainty what’s in store for them, but he can at least allow himself to have Carlos in his life as a friend. Whatever may come next for them, TK knows without question that they’ll be alright.

Present Day

TK stares up into the vast nothingness of his bedroom ceiling as his mind replays the absolutely unbelievable events of the last twenty four hours. He’s been tested in ways he never could have imagined and had come to the very edge of almost failing.

He thinks of his father and Carlos now. Between the two of them, he’s somehow managed to survive the most harrowing day of his life– and that’s truly saying something.

He and Carlos had come home, stomachs full of Chinese food in honor of his mother and hearts full of gratitude that everyone on the plane had survived. It felt like nothing short of a miracle.

Watching the coverage of the emergency landing on the news this evening had been surreal. But in truth, everything since he’d gotten the phone call of his mother’s passing has felt just like that too. Just going through the motions until today’s flight forced him out of the fog.

Seeing the footage of the plane emitting thick gray clouds of smoke, his body had tensed even though he knew firsthand how it ended.

Carlos had reassured him that everything was alright now, had kissed him deeply enough to push the images from the plane from his mind. He could feel all of Carlos’ emotions being poured into him, the relief that he was safe and sound. TK let himself be wrapped up in it all and mirrored it back.

In bed now though, that blissfulness has turned to restlessness and TK knows exactly what is at the root of it.

His fingertips can still feel the vials of fentanyl he clutched. His body still aches for the relief it would have provided.

It was a moment of weakness, a lapse in judgment he isn’t proud of. It hadn’t necessarily been his intention when going into work this morning, but a little voice calls into question whether that’s completely true. He’d been intent on getting back to the routine of work, but once the opportunity presented itself to go into the narcotics safe, he’d hardly dissuaded himself from following through.

It isn’t lost on him that, once again, his father’s timing had saved him.

“I’m so sorry you missed the service,” Carlos says into the darkness.

TK blinks twice in surprise. He thought he was the only one awake right now, but he’s glad sleep seems to be evading Carlos too.

He rolls over and snuggles up against Carlos’ side. The tiredness he feels is bone-deep, but being able to connect with Carlos like this helps TK to alleviate some of the weariness he’s experiencing. He knows what could relieve him of this weight, but he can’t bring himself to lay another concern at his feet.

Carlos already feared losing him once today. It’d be borderline cruel to add to that, he tells himself.

TK burrows in deeper, his face tucked away in the crook of Carlos’ neck. He breathes him in, allows himself to sink into the warmth and comfort of his boyfriend, this safe harbor housed in skin.

“Thank you for everything you did to try and get us there. It really meant a lot. I don’t think I even took a minute to properly say thank you. I’m sorry.”

“Hey, no,” Carlos says gently, his fingertips stroking lightly against the arm TK has just slung around him. “I’m just glad I could be there for you. I wish things would have gone differently so you could have made it to New York.”

“A part of me didn’t even want to go. A pretty big part,” he admits.

“That’s why you went to the station?”

TK’s heart sinks a little. That’s only part of the truth. The full reality sits heavy on his tongue, but TK’s lips can’t seem to form the words. Instead he sighs in frustration at himself. He’d been able to speak openly to his father about this, but it’s different with Carlos—through no fault of Carlos’ own. His boyfriend doesn’t have the full context, he hasn’t known this story from the very beginning.

He opened this book at a later chapter.

Carlos has seen the aftermath when TK first came to Austin, a bar brawl that led to a trip to the police station and TK struggling to make heads and tails of his attraction to Carlos. But this, putting the full breadth of his addiction and the ease to which his demons can be summoned, on display is a side of himself he wants to shield Carlos from for as long as humanly possible. However improbable and idealistic.

“You saved a life today,” Carlos says, switching gears, unknowingly giving TK the perfect out. “That’s no small feat, especially under those circumstances.”

He thinks of Genevieve, her life quite literally in his hands. How kismet, he thinks, to have been seated right beside the woman who would wind up requiring his aid.

That had been TK’s mission since he could remember. If he isn’t always able to save himself, he’ll do everything in his power to do so for others. Perhaps that’s part of the family legacy.

His mother saved him. She’d saved Jonah, her last act before leaving this world. In a way, being on that flight to get to her, but managing to save someone instead was a tribute as well.

“I’m proud of you,” Carlos murmurs against the crown of his head before placing a kiss there. “I know Gwyn would have been too.”

The knot in TK’s stomach tightens at the sentiment. He knows that’s true. But what would Carlos and his mother think if they’d known just how dangerously close he’d come to undoing everything?

~*~*~

It all feels gray in a way it hasn’t since TK first came to Austin and the weight of that sits so heavily on TK’s chest that he can’t even feel angry. He simply feels nothing and that scares him more than anything.

This was a complete and utter violation. This home, their second attempt tainted by this woman’s actions.

A whole year of sobriety, snatched away in the blink of an eye. His mind floods with the memory of his sobriety party, the room filled with loved ones proud of his accomplishment. One face appears clearest of all and TK squeezes his eyes shut at the picture of his mother’s unwavering gaze as he gave his speech in front of them all.

He’s lost two things from that party, one of which he’ll never get back.

TK curls up in bed, hugs his knees to his chest. He stares into the pitch black of the bedroom. It’s been a few hours now since he and Carlos were given the all clear, but TK is so deeply unnerved by what’s transpired that he isn’t sure he’ll be able to manage to sleep tonight.

Why was it that the universe seemed so keen on knocking him down? His life feels like being caught in a riptide. Each time he breaks through to the surface and takes a breath, he finds himself being pulled under again.

Would he ever reach the shore? Would he ever be able to truly stand on solid ground for good?

TK’s so lost in his thoughts that he jumps at the feel of Carlos’ hand against his back. He feels as if he could just come out of his skin at once. He unfurls immediately and turns to face his boyfriend.

“I’m sorry, babe, I didn’t mean to scare you,” Carlos says softly.

TK’s heart is still racing, but he shakes his head. Carlos’ touch was only meant to comfort him. It’s hardly his fault TK feels on edge. TK comes closer and buries his face against Carlos’ chest, and lets himself be wrapped up in his boyfriend’s arms. If nothing else, it’s in Carlos’ embrace that he knows he’ll always be safe.

“It’s okay. It’s okay, I’m just…I’m sorry. My head is––,” he trails off, unsure of what state his mind is truly in right now.

Carlos seems to understand regardless.

“This isn’t on you. You know that, right? What Sadie did…this doesn’t count.”

TK wishes he could believe that. In the end, drugs worked their way into his system. It didn’t matter who was responsible for it. It didn’t change the fact he’d been exposed.

“Yes, it does,” he mumbles, his eyes stinging already as tears well up unbidden.

“This wasn’t a choice that you made. This happened to you, not because of you. There’s a huge difference,” Carlos insists.

You don’t get it, TK thinks. Logically he knows this isn’t his doing. But physically, his body is longing for more of this thing he’s refrained from for over a year. In time, Carlos will be bright and shiny, good as new. He can let this roll off his back, take it on the chin and get back to his regular routine.

TK can’t say the same for himself. This has stirred something inside of him, rattled the cage of a monster he’s kept locked inside. He can feel the sharp teeth nipping at the bars, desperate to get out again.

His resolve has slipped and TK isn’t so sure he has the proper defenses to fight back.

“It almost was. A choice I made, I mean,” TK says unexpectedly.

These weren’t the words he’d been intending to speak. But the funny thing about the truth was that it always made its way out one way or another.

Carlos is quiet for a beat, no doubt trying to make sense of what TK is talking about.

“I’m not following. You couldn’t have known what Sadie was up to.”

TK bites back on his lower lip. It’s now or never. It should have been before, weeks before, he knows.

“I don’t mean tonight.”

There’s one beat of silence before Carlos sits up enough to turn on the lamp. TK avoids his gaze though he can feel the full weight of his boyfriend’s eyes on him. He moves off of Carlos, retreats a bit closer to his side of the bed as he forces himself to look at Carlos.

Carlos’ expression is a true mix of confusion and concern.

TK opens and closes his mouth a few times, trying to coax out the words he’s been holding on to.

“If not tonight, then when?” Carlos asks carefully.

TK fidgets with his fingers, his heart racing for the umpteenth time tonight.

“The day we were all supposed to go to New York…when I went into work, it…it wasn’t only to distract myself or to feel like things were normal,” he starts out.

He struggles for a moment with the truth he’s been holding on to for weeks.

“I think a part of me went there looking to score.”

Carlos’ face falls, but there’s no judgment or anger in his eyes. Just all out worry and sadness. TK thinks that may actually be worse.

“My dad showed up and if he hadn’t, I’m pretty sure I would have caved right there at the station. I would have,” he corrects. “I had two vials of fentanyl in my hand when he found me. So yeah, it makes me sick that Sadie hit the reset button on my sobriety, but I came so close to wrecking my own year too.”

TK wipes at his eye, his hand coming away wet. Carlos blinks quickly, his mouth opening and closing. This may be the first time TK has ever seen Carlos genuinely speechless.

“I’m sorry,” TK says quickly, filling the silence. “I should have told you sooner. But I just…I couldn’t and I didn’t want to worry you over something that ultimately never happened. So much was going on that day, I just ––I’ve been trying to forget how low I got. I didn’t want to drag you down there with me.”

“TK,” Carlos cuts in, the syllables colored in surprise and hurt.  

TK closes his mouth at once, feeling nauseous. He bites back another apology as Carlos seemingly collects his thoughts.

“I wish you would have told me. It’s not a burden. I need to know how you’re feeling. I want to know what you’re up against. The last thing I would ever want is for you to suffer in silence.”

Carlos’ eyes are wet and the twisted feeling in TK’s gut only grows tighter, especially as Carlos continues to speak.

“I can’t help if I don’t know you need it.”

TK frowns.

“I’m going to be fighting this for the rest of my life. Our life. It kills me to drop this kind of baggage on you. It’s messy and complicated. You don’t know just how badly I wish things could be different. That I could be different and not someone you have to worry about. I don’t want to hurt you.”

Carlos flinches as if he’s been struck.

“You say that as if loving you is some kind of chore for me. I wouldn’t change a single thing about you, TK. If nothing else, I need you to know that. You are everything to me. Nothing is ever going to change the way I feel about you. I just need to know. You can tell me these things. The only thing that would hurt me is you going through this alone somehow.”

TK’s brows furrow. He knows Carlos means this genuinely and this level of support is just what he suspected he’d get from his boyfriend. All the same, guilt gnaws at him, sinks its teeth into his skin painfully. The thought of opening up about all of this feels insurmountable. He’s already shared more than he planned to tonight.

“I think I should go back to group,” TK says. “When I first moved down here, it was part of the deal with my dad. I actually really liked the people I met there and…after going to that grief meeting with Tommy…I don’t know. I think I need that kind of system again.”

Carlos searches his face and for the life of him, TK can’t figure out what he’s thinking. He’s too afraid to ask and tonight has already taken so much out of him, he doesn’t press it. Whatever deep thought has crossed Carlos’ mind clears. TK can see a change, a subtle shift.

“I think that’s a wonderful idea.”

TK gets the sense that Carlos wants to say more and, in truth, TK knows there’s plenty more he should offer. But it’s late. They’re both tired.

TK nods to himself and places a kiss on Carlos’ cheek.

“I love you. You know that, right?” he asks.

Carlos smiles genuinely. “I do. I hope you understand just how much I love you too. I’m here. Whatever you need. Whenever you need it. I’m right here, TK. Always.”

~*~*~

All his life, TK has heard the old adage “the only way out is through.” The last twenty-four hours have been a testament to that.

TK wakes to a quiet bedroom, sunlight bathing his skin. His eyes feel sore and rubbed raw from the tears he’d shed last night.

His talk with Cooper had been extensive, but also cathartic. He’d been doing so well in his goal of thirty meetings in thirty days and though he hadn’t managed to make it to group, Carlos stepping in to get Cooper to their loft had been just the thing he needed.

His fight earlier in the week with Carlos still weighs heavily on his heart, but TK knows they’re all the better for having had that conversation. Their bond only strengthened since they broke down the divide between them and spoke openly and honestly about what’s been troubling them.

He turns to the right and finds the bed empty; Carlos has always been an early riser.  After speaking with Cooper, TK had been so wiped he’d fallen asleep. He hadn’t even heard Carlos come back home. But the rumpled bedding on Carlos’ side of the bed reassures him that his boyfriend did in fact make it in safely.

TK sits up and rubs at his left eye before heading into the bathroom. He catches sight of himself in the mirror. His hair is disheveled, his eyes have bags under them and yet still, he feels lighter than he has in days.

After he’s brushed his teeth, he heads back into the bedroom. What he wants now is a hot shower, to really wash away the strain of last night and begin this day fresh.

He crosses the room to the dresser to grab new garments but stops short as his eyes land on a new addition to the surface. TK’s heart beats faster, his breathing increasing as well as he stares, completely frozen in place.

His mother’s face smiles out at him from a framed photo with the kid version of himself beaming back at the camera too.

Their first trip to Spring Street, forever memorialized on film.

The shock of seeing it now quickly fades and in its place, a sense of calm washes in.

TK picks up the photo and heads straight out of the room, gripping it tight. He walks across the loft, making a beeline for Carlos who is in the kitchen, cutting up strawberries.

“Morn–,” Carlos starts to greet him, but stops as his eyes drift to the picture frame.

“You put this on the dresser,” TK says softly, cutting right to the chase.

Carlos sets the knife in his hand down and wipes both hands on a dish towel. He steps away from the island and comes closer.

“You asked me to put these somewhere. I didn’t think they should be in a box or stay stuck in an album.”

It’s a simple statement, but the thought behind the gesture reaches down to TK’s core.

Emotion swells within TK quickly. He swallows hard as a tear falls. Carlos’ face falls with it.

“Babe, I’m sorry. Maybe this was too much too soon. If I’m overstepping here—,” Carlos says.

TK places a hand gently on his boyfriend’s cheek and shakes his head, shushing him gently.

“No…Carlos, no, you aren’t,” he says, clearing his throat.

Carlos doesn’t look so sure, but he nods anyway and searches his face. TK tries and fails in his mission to keep from tearing up again. Another tear wells and breaks free of the corner of his eye.

Carlos doesn’t push, though TK can see the concern etched into his features.

“I put a few more out there,” Carlos notes, jutting his thumb towards the living room. “If it really is too much, let me know. I just thought you’d like to have her around.”

“You’re truly unbelievable,” TK says quietly. “This is…it’s everything. Thank you.”

Relief floods Carlos’ face. He leans in and presses his lips softly to TK’s. They taste like strawberries.

TK lets his forehead rest against his boyfriend’s for a moment as he lets out a soft sigh before pulling away. He looks down at the picture he’d just shared with Carlos the night before, now housed in a rich mahogany frame. Solid and protected. TK’s fingertips ghost over his mother’s face, a soft smile painting his lips.

He can almost feel her, but his focus slips, making him face the reality that the smoothness he’s feeling is nothing more than glass. The only places she exists now are in photographs and memories. It’s been weeks and TK still isn’t sure how to reconcile with that. Perhaps, he laments, he never will.

TK sighs and sets the picture down. The second his hand is free, Carlos reaches for him and laces their fingers.

“Where’d you go?” Carlos asks.

TK looks up at him and searches his eyes as he collects his thoughts.

“What if it’s always like this? These highs and lows. What if I’m always torn?”

Carlos frowns slightly and cups TK’s cheek.

“It’s called recovery for a reason. It’s a process. You’re getting back to yourself. ”

TK looks down at the photo for a moment before returning his attention to Carlos and frowning.

“Some days I don’t even know who that is. These last few weeks, I haven’t been myself at all. I don’t know what I’m going back to. I don’t know if that version is still in there anymore or if I even want it to be. I’m different now.”

Carlos seems to consider this for a moment. He tugs TK’s hand gently and brings them over to the living room, abandoning the breakfast he’d been preparing. They settle on the couch, exactly as they had been seated just last night. It was also in this spot he talked to Cooper for what felt like ages after Carlos left the loft.

It’d been helpful, but TK feels ready to lower down the wall he’s been putting up in order to shield Carlos, to finally let him in entirely.

“If you knew me back then, you wouldn’t have recognized me. You wouldn’t have wanted to get anywhere near me. I didn’t even want to be around me. When I get into these moods, I still don’t,” he tries to joke, but it falls flat to his own ears.

When he looks at Carlos, the man’s expression is a bit grave.

“You say these things sometimes…I trust you, completely. But I do worry. I can’t help it. Last night you said you’d give anything to feel happy again.” Carlos searches his face, his eyes urgent yet soft.

“I don’t think it fully hit me until then, just how lost you’ve been feeling. How deeply it runs. You deserve to be happy all the time.”

TK smiles sadly.

“I can’t undo those years. I’ll never be the version of me that I was before I started using. But I am happy. I’ve got the world’s most incredible and supportive boyfriend. I’ve got good friends and a job that I love. I’ve got a roof over my head, this beautiful home here with you.”

He sighs and pauses briefly.

“I hate what Sadie did to us. What she took. But I’m safe with you and I know it.”

It makes TK angry that this second home they’ve built has been harmed. But the upside is that he’s had Carlos beside him through it all. Carlos, with his good heart and patient nature. It feels like far more than he deserves, but TK is grateful to have it.

“It’s just…sometimes I wish I could go back to before things got complicated. That’s all I meant by that. But I can’t wave a magic wand or flip a switch to undo all the mistakes I’ve made over the years. All I can do is keep moving forward and do my best not to slip up again. I don’t want to let myself down or anyone who loves me.”

Carlos shifts and takes his hand.

“We aren’t going anywhere. We are all so proud of you. We see how seriously you’ve been taking your sobriety. I know I have. You’ve come a long way.”

TK knows this is true. Comparing the state he was in back in 2017 and as recently as when he first came to Austin, he’s made leaps and bounds in the right direction. However, he knows all too well how one bump in the road can drive him completely off course.

He sits up straighter and squares his shoulders.

“I want you to fully understand what you’re taking on here. What the risks are in case I relapse again down the line.” TK takes a deep breath.

“Carlos, it’s not pretty. And it’s easier to say you can handle it when you haven’t actually faced it. I trust that you mean it, I don’t doubt that,” he amends. “But the reality…it’s way different. I need you to know the truth though.”

TK can see Carlos taking his words to heart as he nods.

“Tell me what you’re comfortable sharing and we’ll go from there.”

TK searches Carlos’ face, his unwavering brown eyes. He can feel the desperation in them, just how badly Carlos wants to know it all. From that night at the police station, which feels like a lifetime ago, Carlos has been without the full story. It’s long overdue.

“At the height of it, things were really bad in New York. I mean…dangerously bad. I—I would disappear for days at a time here and there. That’s part of why I’m fighting so hard to make sure I do get back to you, no matter what. I’d lie to my parents, mostly my mom because she was around more. I’d get my hands on whatever I could, it didn't matter what it was.”

Carlos doesn’t move an inch.

“I went on a bender one night. I was out of my mind. My mom…I don’t even know how long she couldn’t find me. But she did…on the floor of some seedy drug den. I have no idea how the hell she actually got me out of there or even how she knew where to find me in the first place. But she saved my life that night, that I’m sure of.”

TK licks his lips, recalling that grim night in 2017.

“She finally had enough. We got into a huge fight; she signed me up for treatment in California and no matter how much I pushed, I couldn’t convince her that I didn’t need it. Pretty weak argument on my end,” TK sighs. “She flew three thousand miles with me just…being a total dick the whole time because I was so mad at her for shipping me off to rehab. I was a mess on the plane. Dope sick, paranoid. I swiped three of those mini bottles from the stewardess’ cart to settle me.”

TK laughs humorlessly. “That’s how far gone I was. There I was on my way to rehab and that’s the kind of stunt I pulled.”

TK looks down at his hands, easily conjuring up the image of his blue stained fingertips, the lengths he went to in order to still polish off those small bottles. They’re eclipsed by Carlos’ hands settling over his, pulling him back to the present moment.

TK brings his gaze up once more and finds the strength to keep going as he looks at his boyfriend.

“I did thirty days out in California. I stuck with the program, really took it to heart because I wanted to get better and stay better for her and for me. She was proud of me when I got back. I felt better and I was better…for years I was good and then, well, I had that relapse that brought me to Austin. That breakup brought out my worst instincts, undid everything I learned about on how to cope with the unexpected.”

TK sighs heavily. “Just like my mom did, my dad saved my life after I overdosed. And I just, I’m so tired of making the people I care for worry about me. I’m always one bad night away from making the same mistake. I’m so scared of putting you in that position one day…finding me passed out somewhere or worse. I don’t want to put you through that.”

The pattern that’s been shaping up with his parents throughout the years lives constantly in the back of his mind. Bad things tended to happen in threes. TK is determined to do everything in his power to break the cycle and spare Carlos from ever finding him the state his parents have previously.

“I can’t let you go. I love you so much and I’ve never been this happy before.” TK lets out a breath and shakes his head.

“Sometimes I feel selfish. I feel like I’m asking a lot of you here. I know that I am.”

Carlos’ brows furrow deeply, the look in his eyes intense.

“You aren’t,” he says at once. “You aren’t asking anything of me, certainly nothing I can’t handle or don’t want to give. You’re it for me. Nothing could ever change that.”

TK swallows hard and rests his head against Carlos’ shoulder.

“I don’t want you to have to worry about me.”

“To be fair, I worry about everything,” Carlos counters.

It brings enough levity to the situation that TK finds himself smiling. He looks up and kisses Carlos’ jaw.

“That’s true. You’re going to go gray early. But you’d pull it off just like you do everything else,” he comments, threading his fingers through Carlos’ curls.

Carlos smiles softly, holding on gently to TK’s wrist, his thumb brushing against TK’s pulse point. TK sighs quietly at his touch, growing serious again.

They sit in silence for beat, Carlos’ thumb still skimming his skin.

“I’m used to protecting people and fixing things. Personally and professionally. It’s hard for me to shut that off. But I can recognize that I’m out of my depth here,” Carlos says after a moment, his mouth twisting into a frown.

“That was hard to accept at first. I could read a thousand articles, but I’d still never truly know what you’re feeling. I don’t know. I was really mad at myself most of all. I felt like I was failing you.”

TK’s heart sinks.

“God, Carlos, no. You could never.”

“I understand that now, I really do. And even though I’ve never been in your shoes, that doesn’t mean that I’m going to ever stop having your back and helping in the ways that I can. I promise. I’m always going to be within reach just waiting for you when you need me.”

TK feels a fluttering sensation in his stomach at those words, the sincerity and conviction.

“Well, I’m always going to need you. And at the risk of sounding like a cheesy Hallmark card, honestly? You help just by being here. By showing up and loving me. You calling Cooper? That meant the world to me, Carlos. I still don’t even have the words for that.”

TK bites back on his lower lip.

“I know how lucky I am, to have had my mom, to have my dad, and you. No one outside of my parents has ever stayed. No one has genuinely cared like you do. You see these parts of me and you still love me. You still choose me, despite everything. I wouldn’t blame you if this was too much. I know this isn’t easy on you either.”

TK looks away, his eyes stinging with unshed tears. Carlos tucks a hand under his chin and gently guides TK to look at him.

“There’s no fine print when it comes to us, no terms and conditions. I love you. That’s all there is to it,” Carlos says. “That’s reason enough to keep fighting for us. I’m not going into this with rose-colored glasses. I know full-well what the possibilities are. That there is potential for relapse. But I also know that if any setbacks happen, we’re strong enough to get through it together. I’ve got both feet on the ground here and I’m standing next to you. Always.”

TK’s resolve breaks then. He has to wonder if Carlos even realizes just how life-changing his love has been. A few tears streak down his face but through it all, TK doesn’t take his eyes off of him.

“That counts for more than you’ll ever know so, thank you for that.”

Carlos frowns and cups TK’s cheek, his thumb brushing against his skin. His touch is warm and the gentle back and forth lulls TK like a melody.

“I see you. And I’m in awe. You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. Maybe one day you’ll see that. Until then—and even after—I’m going to tell you every day how proud I am of you.”

Carlos searches his eyes deeply and TK just knows he can see right through to his heart.

“You will always be worth the world to me. More than that, even. I love you so much, TK. I will for the rest of my life.”

He says it so effortlessly, seems to know it for a fact.

I want all of it.

“The rest of your life, huh?” he says, leaning in closer to Carlos.

When he’d first come to Austin, it felt impossible to dream of such things, a happily ever after or even a story worth telling.

Carlos smiles and drapes his arm over TK’s shoulders as he leans back against the couch and pulls TK to rest on him. TK’s body fits perfectly as if the spot was tailor-made just for him.

“For as long as you’ll have me,” Carlos says.

It takes everything in TK not to melt right there, at how freely Carlos expresses the love he has in his heart for him.

TK is of the same mind. He can’t imagine a future that doesn’t have Carlos in it beside him.

This is all TK has ever wanted. To love and be loved in return. Wholly. Made to feel like he isn’t too much or not enough. Even with this added layer, he’s just right in Carlos’ eyes. Whole pieces and broken, healing ones too.

[kiloskywalker]

I am now curious about what your favorite Tarlos scene is.

I knew you were going to ask me this question, and I was still not prepared. So you get a crazy rambling answer from the Flight Crew Lounge at the San Francisco Airport as I'm waiting to go back to DC. So be prepared.

There are literally so many moments that it's almost impossible to choose, I know everyone probably says this but I mean it. But if I had to narrow it down, I would definitely say a similar answer to you. My favorite scene is when Carlos finds TK on the couch looking at photo albums after his bad call and his subsequent choice to blow off his meeting. I read a really good fic from Carlos's perspective that was a coda to this episode (right after Carlos leaves the loft at the end) and kind of wrote about my thoughts in a comment, so this is it expanded. The fic is called "This Love We Carry" and its by @thevenstar, you can find it here, I highly recommend it.

I liked the episode from a Carlos characterization too. I'm gonna preface this by saying that I read a lot into characters and between the lines when it comes to dialogue and I'm sure that I interpreted certain moments and scenes differently than others, but that is the point of writing and discussion. Throughout the season its seemed as though he has an innate desire to help people in any way. We saw this too in 2x08 when he makes the risky choice to let the man with the bomb go, but we saw it a lot this season with his desire to help TK (and more importantly keep him safe). Carlos loves TK so much that he wants to keep him safe in as many ways as he can (honestly who can blame him!), and gets upset if he cannot do so and IMHO we saw this in three big instances that I can pull off the top of my head:

1x08 he's visibly upset and crying while visiting TK in the hospital after he was shot.

2x08 there's a close up shot of him holding TK after the EMS crew was rescued. The one where you can see TK's head kinda droop and it looks like he's passing out a bit, but Carlos has what I can describe as a kind of scared/empty look in his eyes. I interpreted it as being genuinely scared for what could have happened.

2x12 after the fire when he's trying to keep a straight face after the fire and eventually lets go, apologizing for not having a fire extinguisher in the bedroom

3x08 in several places: (a)-Carlos wishes he could make everything better (take away TK's pain) (b)-the reunion hug at the airport, most notably when Carlos says "I kept thinking, I'm the one that put him on the plane" *** (we'll come back to this later)

3x12 his first thought after hearing about Sadie being the baddie was to find TK, only to try and get to him but to also pass out as well *** (we'll come back to this as well)

3x13 the entire episode (see below lol)

I'm sure there's more but that's all that I can think about in my head right now. But anyway, we've established that Carlos has a desire to keep people (mostly TK) safe. And I think that to some extent, he harbors some guilt about the times that he has failed to do so namely: not having a fire extinguisher in their bedroom so they are trapped in a horrible situation where they almost die in their own home, putting him on a plane that then has a mechanical emergency and having to watch helplessly from the ground, not realizing soon enough that Sadie was in fact a crazy person who assaulted the both of them in there own home again (etc)... 3x13 was such a wake-up call for him. It was the first time that he truly had to deal with the consequences of TK's addiction, not to mention his other issues (I'm positive at this point TK's grief has morphed into a depression of some sort, its quite common). These issues are so much more different than what he's used to and cannot necessarily be solved by something as simple as keeping extra up-to-date fire extinguishers in every room. You can tell that Carlos sort of doesn't really know what to do, so he reverts to being the normal, loving, sweet, caring partner he's always been for TK. In fact, he says things like "I know I haven't been in the program, but if there's anything that you want to get off your chest..." And then there's the whole business with Cooper, TK's sponsor.

I definitely do not think Carlos is jealous. I mean, it felt like the writers tried to do that for a little bit during the time where Carlos first met Cooper (that whole scene was pretty funny actually), but I think everything changed on that end when Carlos woke up in the middle of the night to find TK in the living room on the phone with him, and then subsequently their "dinner" discussion (you framed it as not a fight--which I agree with). There definitely is a part of Carlos that's jealous, not because TK is hanging out with someone who's really handsome (Carlos doesn't care about that part there's a whole line about it: "You know he's straight right?" "Why does that matter?"), but rather he's jealous of the fact that there is someone who TK feels is actually able to help him who isn't his boyfriend who loves him more than anything else in the world and just wants to keep him safe (there's another line about that as well: "I just feel like he's getting parts of you that I'm not getting). Side note: this also leads into my favorite Tarlos lines (outside of TK's proposal):

Carlos: I just feel like he's getting parts of you that I'm not getting. TK: You don't want those parts. Carlos: I do! I want all of it. TK: You have all of me Carlos. Carlos: Do I? TK: Yes! UGH SO GOOD. Anyway, up to this point, 3x13 felt like an exploration of Carlos's inner anxiety telling him that TK finally realized that Carlos couldn't protect him and thus he found someone who could. You can actually see him come to that realization when he says "I'm not enough, you mean." when TK is telling him about how he needs people in his life who have been in the trenches with their own addictions who can help in ways that Carlos can't. TK, bless his heart, is trying to tell Carlos that there are definitely times when he won't be able to help in all the ways he can, and that Carlos has to trust that TK knows how to get help when he needs it.

Okay *phew*, we've spent all that time explaining the background now its time for me to (finally) answer the question originally asked: why is the scene above my favorite? Carlos sees TK in pain and he isn't truly getting the help that he talked about needing. He didn't go to his meeting, he didn't call his sponsor. He's just choosing to listen to his sad boi playlist (I assume) and let the depression consume him. Carlos has finally come to the realization that by calling Cooper himself (even after running a background check), he IS helping TK in the way that TK himself has said he needs it. I think that realization is beautiful in a way, he's recognizing that TK has chosen to get help and fight the battles he needs to fight because he wants to get better and Carlos calling Cooper reaffirms that he knows TK was making a choice and that he respects that choice and need to get better. I think after this scene, the boys were truly in the strongest place they could have been, especially after the tumultuous relationship they've had and the traumas they've been through. I'm sorry this turned into an essay. I honestly love Tarlos so much and can talk literal volumes about them as you can tell. Trust me.

[paperstorm]

Did you make any changes to your original 3x08 coda? Just curious as I think it was your first lone star fic and whenever I go back to my early fics I think about how much I want to change! 😅

Mostly I added to it! The existing fic is still in there and not that much of it is changed, it’s just twice as long now and deals with before they get on the plane as well as after it.

[tellmegoodbye]

✨️ weekend wip game ✨️

Rules: List your WIPs below (if you only write one fic at a time, feel free to include future WIPs/ideas!) then answer the following questions. Then, tag as many people as you have WIPs (or more). (There are also questions for artists/GIF creators below).

Or: harley attempts to answer the following questions without responding with push coda for half of them. 😂

Thank you @lemonlyman-dotcom and @thisbuildinghasfeelings for tagging me!

1. List your WIPs.

First I will list the WIPs I'm actively working on because there's only two of those

Push coda - we all know about this one

5 scenes before the wedding and 1 after - this one is pretty self explanatory, and I've shared some snippets from this as well

And these are the WIPs I have planned for the future

3x08 + 3x13 coda - this is pretty much what it says on the tin

hurt/comfort fic - two parts, the first one being hurt TK and the second one being hurt Carlos, this fic is going to focus on the unique ways they take care of each other

"green eyes" fic - this one was inspired by a song and the plan is to do an entire s1 fic from Carlos' perspective, but we'll see what happens

spicy fic (that is the working title we're rolling with for now) - this is essentially four chapters of pure smut with a ton of different emotions rolled into one ultimate spicy experience...at least that's my vision as of now

murder mystery AU - I still desperately want to write this, but the problem is that I initally outlined it for gallavich, accidentally deleted said outline (that I spent months working on) and now I'm considering switching it to tarlos

2. Which of your WIPs is currently the longest?

Push coda!! My beloved and belothed...I swear to god this was not meant to be as long as it ended up being. It's currently at 27k and I'm still stuck on this one scene that's bugging me, but the end is in sight!

3. Which WIP do you expect will end up the longest?

I have no idea what came over me when I wrote the majority of push coda...that's the longest thing I have ever written as of now.

I'm sure the murder mystery fic will end up being longer if I do end up writing that, but out of the five different future WIPs I listed it's the least likely to see the light of day just because time is a factor for me.

4. Which WIP is your favorite/the most enjoyable to write? Why?

I think the spicy fic is going to be extremely enjoyable. I have so many ideas for that one!

5. Which WIP do you find the most intimidating to write? Why?

Definitely the murder mystery fic. There's a lot of intricacies in that fic and it took a lot of planning when I initially outlined it. I'm usually a more "go with the flow" writer so it's very out of my element.

6. Which WIP do you experience the most self-doubt about? Why?

Probably push coda right now just because it's been a while since I've written and now that it's nearly done I'm afraid it's too long or that the pacing is weird, but I've been staring at this thing for so long that it's hard to be objective about it.

7. Which of your WIPs will you seek out a beta/sensitivity reader for? Why?

All of them, hopefully. I'm scared to ask people but it's always nice to have an extra set of eyes, especially if you've been working on something for a while.

If anyone is offering, I wouldn't say no. 👀

8. Have any of your WIPs been struck by the curse of writers block?

All of them!

9. Which WIP has your favorite OC? Tell us about them?

I have an OC in my murder mystery AU that is very interesting in my opinion. I can't say a lot about this character without spoiling anything, but let's just say this character is a lot of fun to write. I also don't often make OCs, so that was a fairly new experience for me as well.

10. Which WIP is the sexiest?

WIP that is currently in progress? The 5+1 fic has a smut scene at the end that I've really been enjoying writing. If we're talking about my future WIPs, then of course it's going to be the spicy fic!

11. Which WIP is the angstiest?

Push coda! Some of the 5+1 fic is also pretty angsty, but I think as of now push coda is winning in that regard.

That's just what I've currently written. I have a feeling the hurt/comfort fic is going to be pretty angsty as well.

12. Which WIP has the best characterization in your opinion?

I'm not sure. I always try my best when it comes to characterization, but in terms of what I've currently written, the push coda delves much deeper into the characters' emotions than the 5+1 fic does, but that's probably just because I have a lot more written for push coda.

13. Which WIP has the best scene setting in your opinion?

Push coda for sure. There's just something about the combination of bad weather and angst. Very visually satisfying for me.

14. Which WIP have you worked the hardest on?

........push coda, again.

15. Which WIP do you have the highest expectations for? Why?

I have high expectations of everything I write. I'm definitely a perfectionist.

16. Do you dream about any of your WIPs?

I never remember my dreams, but I think about my fics a lot! Part of what helps me visualize the scenes I write is by letting them play out in my head like a movie.

17. Do any of your WIPs have particular complexities that your other fics don't?

The 5+1 fic is a new format for me! It's been a challenge but also a lot of fun.

18. Which WIP is the funniest or has the most humor?

I don't write much humor. I'm sadly not very good at that.

19. Do any of your WIPs contain outside POVs or a deep dive on a character other than the main ship? How are you finding that process?

I have no plans for this but I would absolutely be interested in an outside POV fic, especially a character like Owen. I could totally write a whole fic from his perspective.

20. Tell us one thing we don't know about one or more of your WIPs.

Push coda has some song lyrics included in between each scene. The lyrics are from this song.

-

I'm not sure who has and hasn't done this so open tag. Feel free to tag me if you do this!

[singaroundelay]

FIC: The Lasso Way, Or Trent Crimm Finds Something to Believe In

With chapter 2 (and a rare Ted POV chapter at that) this is complete! Time to get to work on our coda for 3x08!

TITLE: The Lasso Way, Or Trent Crimm Finds Something to Believe In PAIRING: Trent Crimm/Ted Lasso, (implied Roy/Jamie) RATING: Mature SUMMARY: Ted thinks that Total Football, dreamt up in a barbecue sauce induced fever dream, is the answer to all the problems at AFC Richmond. But after watching training this week, all Trent Crimm knows this is nothing but a fucking joke — and that Ted Lasso is going to fail. And when he does, what'll happen to the team...

...and to them?

CHAPTER 2 EXCERPT:

With only fifteen minutes left in the half, the Greyhounds need something to turn this game around. Ted has that stupid little voice in the back of his head that sounds an awful lot like Trent currently, complaining that he's on his last chance if he doesn't turn things around.

He knows this is gonna work. He knows it is.

Ted Lasso is determined that the hope will not kill him. Adamant, even.

Okay so maybe Roy was right, that they should've waited until the squad was more comfortable.

Ted, however, will not admit this. Nopety-nope-nope.

Continue Reading: https://archiveofourown.org/works/46907314/chapters/118396951

[welcometololaland]

Ohhh 3x08 carlos pov fic 👀👀👀 sounds amazing! But now on the topic of missing scene fics... ever thought about writing your version of what happened in the honky tonk in 1x01? That famous what happened 15 mins after we got cut away from them? Or how their date night ended in 1x03? I really love how you write these characters - your style is just so mich fun!

Thank you so much anon! ❤️ There is a criminally small amount of honky tonk fics (I've looked hehe) and I want more too! I happen to know that someone else is currently writing one so...I'm waiting patiently for that! Date night though I mean...I'd be down to write that! I'm currently doing exactly what I said I wouldn't do and writing a 1 x 10 missing scene which I'll probably post for the 911 smut week in mid July - I'm really excited about it actually it's turning out way better than I expected! But I'll definitely have a think about more missing scenes to fill in or codas to write once The Ring-In is wrapped up this week ❤️

[sznofthesticks]

Writing Masterpost

fic list under the cut since it’s getting long

something so precious about this  T, 3K 1/1 Pairing: Nancy/Marjan 4x09 reimagined, Nancy has to imagine a life without Marjan and decides it's time to tell her everything.

the daylight holds you close, but tonight you are mine   Explicit, 1K 1/1 Pairing: tarlos  1x10 coda  how I chose to believe TK and Carlos finished their evening after the solar storm

as long as i'm with you explicit, 4.5K 1/1 pairing: tarlos Carlos plans a weekend getaway for TK's 30th birthday.

in paper rings, in picture frames, in dirty dreams T, 1.6K 1/1 pairing: tarlos TK is stressed about wedding planning and Carlos reassures him &lt;3

love and libraries GA, 1.2K 1/1 pairing: nancy/marjan a day off in the life of nancy and marjan. coffee, good food, libraries and farmers markets are involved 🩷

the only thing that keeps us apart is one-thousand miles explicit, 4.7K, 1/? pairing: nancy/marjan Marjan gets some life-altering news and has to move back to Miami. Nancy has to stay in Austin. They try to make it work.

i miss you in the mornings when i see the sun mature, 822 words, 1/1 A look at TK's internal monologue and how he copes with receiving news of his mother's death. - A 3x08 coda.

kiss it better baby explicit, 2.1k words, 1/1 pairing: nancy/marjan Nancy shows her appreciation to Marjan for defending her after the softball game, and Marjan reciprocates. - A 3x07 coda

soulmates aren't just lovers T, 6.1k words, 1/1 pairing: nancy and carlos (platonic) Nancy moves away to university and meets her best friend along the way. A path of self-discovery and the beauty of friendship.

like a bird set free M, 1.1k, 1/1 pairings: TK and buck (platonic), tarlos Buck can't tell anyone at the 118 yet, but he knows just who to turn to after a sudden realization.

[carlos-in-glasses]

Thank you fo the tag @lemonlyman-dotcom @thisbuildinghasfeelings and @bonheur-cafe 💚

This is from my 3x08 coda - when one traumatic moment in Carlos' life sends him back in time to another.

Carlos watches the TV with unblinking eyes and squeezes the handle of his carry-on. Razor-sharp, an image zaps into his mind. He sees the Twin Towers on the old TV set at his parents’ house, the smoke pumping out of the torn-open buildings, the collapse. The morning sky above New York was beyond blue. Vivid and unreal. The shade a child would choose. As a child he sat in his father’s lap and watched the strange sharklike shadow enter the North Tower from the side. Over and over. The flames leapt into the sky and back again, maintaining their shape and brilliance and violence until overwhelmed by pure black plumes of smoke that scarred the blue forever, really. Blue skies, Carlos thinks, have never been the same after that.

Ten years later, he was a teenager learning about the timeline of 9/11 in school. He had his own recollections and feelings about the day, but there was more distance by then, and he was studying it forensically. Biology. Politics. He watched the footage of the dusty and confused survivors wandering and coughing; the noise of screams and cracking. As an adult who knows Owen Strand, and who has heard his stories, 9/11 has felt a lot closer and even bigger – even more sad. The scale of loss that nobody could grasp at the beginning is palpable now.

Tagging: @heartstringsduet @catanisspicy @paperstorm @inflarescent @jesuisici33 @freneticfloetry @noxsoulmate @largepeachicedtea @welcometololaland @orchidscript @basilsunrise @mikibwrites @rmd-writes @ambiguouspenny @theghostofashton @taralaurel @rosedavid @chicgeekgirl89 @alrightbuckaroo @cold-blooded-jelly-doughnut @liminalmemories21 @lightningboltreader @never-blooms @ladytessa74 @goodways @reyesstrand @strandnreyes @chaotictarlos - If you want to share/haven't already! No pressure ever, just a sort of bumbling excitement. Imagine a golden retriever reading your snippets and then spinning around and sitting down on them (me). ❤️ 🧡 💛 💚 💙💜

[reyesstrand]

fic rec friday

thanks as always for putting this together @welcometololaland and for the tags @carlos-in-glasses @alrightbuckaroo @strandnreyes @freneticfloetry and @morganaspendragonss <3

rules: tag a fic that starts with the same letter as your username (or a part of your username) and describe why it’s so good/how it has a hold on you. then tag some people to see what everybody else is reading. i’m never capable of picking just one, so, here’s a handful of lovely fics!

rosa mundi by @thevenstar

absolutely gorgeous prose, and it’s a concept that always makes me tear up a bit—what if tk, owen and carlos actually made it to gwyn’s funeral? i’m pretty sure i read this like five or six times after it was first posted, it’s that gorgeous. this explores grief poignantly and is full of emotion that i love to sink my teeth into.

ritual by @paperstorm

again i feel like i could rave about the missing moments series for hours—andie’s uniquely and perfectly (imo) captured the essence of these characters and expanded on so many scenes we didn’t get to see play out. this one is no different, an expansion on 2x11 and what it means for carlos to have his parents meet tk and how it sort of opens up all these things about being seen—it’s so so good. tk’s observations about carlos in this too kill me.

rehearsal by @cold-blooded-jelly-doughnut

i actually just read this and i loved it—the love between iris and carlos and their friendship as carlos rehearses his vows, and carlos acknowledging the slight awkwardness that might still exist between tk and iris. it’s just a really lovely fic and the final line was so beautiful.

real or imagined, what does it matter? by @marjansmarwani

jillian writes some of the best owen-pov fic and this one is a gorgeous coda for 3x12 from his perspective. this fic really captures the complicated feelings he has re: guilt and love for the boys and his place in it all as a father not just now but back in the past. it’s really so beautiful!

raise no liar by @blueink3

another beautiful coda, this is one for 3x08 with tk introspection on genevieve’s words to him about lying and the internal turmoil over when to tell carlos about him trying to steal fentanyl, and knowing carlos will support him whenever the words do come. just really lovely prose!!

the ruins of wonderland by @carlos-in-glasses

i’m so obsessed with this re-imagining of the end of the breakup era, where tk and carlos come back together at nancy’s 126 hang that actually happens. the tension and mutual pain/pining is amazing and this fic perfectly explores both of their povs as they navigate their feelings while being apart, and the conversation they finally have is so perfect i can’t even deal. also them breaking the bed in this when they reunite gets me every time. such a gorgeous read!!

getting to this kinda late today but i’ll no-pressure tag @marjansmarwani @paperstorm @never-blooms @sunshinestrand @reyescarlos @maxbegone @beautifulhigh @chaotictarlos and anyone else who’d like to share what they’re reading <3

[reyescarlos]

haven’t done one of these in quite a while as i’m fighting through writer’s block. but here’s a snippet of a 3x08-present coda fic i’ve been trying to get done. heavily tk centric. 

*tw for reference to addiction/drugs and alcohol use*

Day One 2017

Three thousand miles from home may as well be a world or an entire galaxy away. TK certainly feels like a stranger in unknown terrain, crash landed here in California looking out the window towards a completely different ocean than the one he’s known all his life.

Nothing feels right. Even his own body feels unfamiliar to him.

TK flexes his hands as he sits in the intake room, his eyes darting around the walls. There are wellness posters tacked all over and generic watercolor paintings. He supposes the effect they’re going for is calm, but it only serves to set TK on edge.

All the confidence he felt earlier as he stepped away from his mother at the airport’s sliding doors has seemingly evaporated into thin air, leaving him with empty hands that have nothing to hold on to. He chews at his bottom lip, certain he’ll bite the delicate skin raw by the time this process is over. But it’s the least of his concerns right now.

He’s meant to embark on this road to recovery, the specialist across from him assuring TK that he’s doing the right thing by taking this first step. For the first time since he’s sat down, he looks at her fully, his mother’s words echoing in the back of his head.

The next steps you take are yours.

But TK fears the path he’ll wander down without his mother’s guidance or her physical presence. He’s lost his way before. His mother’s faith in him, while generous, may prove to be ill-advised now. And the knowledge of that makes him every bit as sick as the drugs and alcohol working their way out of his system. He doesn’t want her sacrifice to be in vain, but as he thinks of the daunting journey ahead, it gets hard to muster up self-trust. He isn’t nearly as forgiving with himself as his mother seems to be with him.

He curls in on himself, making himself small in his seat. He counts the specks in the tiles of each square on the floor until his vision blurs and it all begins to look like static before his eyes.

That’s all any of this is anyway. White noise.

As the woman speaks to him, giving a well-worn speech she must have spoken a thousand times over, TK can’t process much of what she’s saying.

He catches a few words though, all expected terms. Detox. Assessment. Specialists.

It’s all the things he’s been afraid of now coming into fruition. He’ll be poked and prodded. Questioned. Monitored. He hasn’t even been here a full day yet and already he feels like a lab rat rather than a person. He knows everything he says and does over the next thirty days will be looked at closely. The thought alone makes his skin itch.

He pulls down the sleeves of his flannel shirt, letting the cuffs partially cover his blue stained fingers, a reminder of the depths he’s recently sunk to. He wishes it could be enough to hide his entire body, to cloak him from the prying eyes he’ll be subjected to over the course of the next month.

He longs for his mother. For New York. For a time in his life when the future seemed boundless. Somewhere along the way, he let his wings get clipped. It troubles him to think he’ll never reach the heights that were once promised.

“TK, are you ready?” the woman asks.

As ready as I’ll ever be, he thinks but doesn’t say. TK merely nods and stands up on shaky legs.

The next steps you take are yours, he hears once again, the refrain like a mantra.

He moves forward, one foot before the other, praying that this time, he’s walking into a better future.

[doublel27]

omg all of these look so interesting and I want to hear about all of them!! But I’ll pick two haha- Owen phone calls and TK discovers the wigs?

Thanks nonny! Owen Phone Calls: @marjansmarwani asked about this one too. It started as an idea for a 3x08 coda that maybe spiraled. Owen hangs up and the phone sits heavy in his hand. Does he drive down every street, peering down every alley looking for TK? If it were up to Owen, he would be burying himself at the firehouse. Would TK do the same?

The phone rings again, vibrating in his hand, and Owen hopes it's Carlos with an update that it was all a mistake. That TK's come home and was just out quickly. Instead it's Judd's face that's on the screen.

"Judd, what's wrong? I've kinda got a-"

"I think I got an answer for you. TK tell you he was comin' in to work today?"

"Damnit. What is he-" But Owen knows what he's doing. It's what Owen would do if he didn't have to get his son on a plane.

"Said he wasn't going to New York."

"We're supposed to be on a plane in two hours," Owen sputters, knowing the time that it will take him to get to the firehouse and then clear across the city to the airport.

"Well, he's here."

"I'll be right there."

~*~ As for Carlos and the Wigs, well, I'm trying to figure out how to incorporate the anti-trans/drag legislation into that one. @chaotictarlos asked it about it earlier, and I'm excited about what I have so far.

But basically, I figure if Carlos did any drag/ballroom type stuff in college, it would have been something he stopped when he joined the police force. And a lot of the stuff that's happening in Texas now has been in the works for a long time by the GOP, and definitely conservative attitudes have shaped Carlos's relationship with his identity. Out as he is, willing to go on dates, bringing TK and Paul to good clubs, when TK first meets the Reyes', Carlos says his parents are traditional people and he doesn't want to rub their noses in it-which is a clasical conservative talking point arould queerness just existing.

I ust gotta figure it out.

[paperstorm]

Your coda for 4x04 was the very first LS fic I ever read, it's what got me into the fandom and led me to discover so many wonderful fics! I have a soft spot for it because of that, and for your 3x08 coda which was probably the second LS fic I read. I fully support keeping it!

🤩 oh that makes me so happy! I'm definitely keeping it, I'll just add to it so that it fits better within the established series.

[marchingatmidnight]

Word find game:

@detective-giggles tagged me ages ago but I was in the throes of moving!

My words are: cry, ring, wedding, family

Cry: I didn’t have “cry”, but I did have “cries”! It’s in the very, very, very long, very, very, very late coda/expansion for Lone Star 3x04.

“For the first time since Nancy told him what happened, Carlos sinks into a chair and cries.”

Ring: no ring in anything :(

Wedding: no wedding :(

Family: It is also in the coda/expansion for 3x08!

“His mom makes a small noise. ‘But not your family. Carlos, I really think that I should come – at least until Owen can get there.’“

I’ll tag @iboatedhere @singerofsimplesongs @doublel27!

The words are: hand, sleep, glasses