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deadcactuswalking · 3 months

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REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 29/06/2024 (Coldplay, Charli xcx/Lorde, Post Malone/Blake Shelton)

Her second week for her second #1, Sabrina Carpenter stays at the top of the UK Singles Chart on an otherwise… interesting week, reflected in pretty much aspect, so… welcome back to REVIEWING THE CHARTS!

content warning: language, misogyny, alcohol

Rundown

As always, we start with the notable dropouts, songs exiting the UK Top 75, which is what I cover, after five weeks in the region or a peak in the top 40. This week, we bid adieu to a surprisingly small selection of “Feather” by Sabrina Carpenter, “Gata Only” by FloyyMenor and Cris Mj, “As it Was” by Harry Styles and of course, since we haven’t fared well at the Euros, “3 Lions”.

As for our notable gains, since we don’t have much in the way of returns outside of Disclosure’s “You & Me” featuring Eliza Doolittle back once again at #65, we see boosts for “Mind Still” by Sonny Fodera and blythe at #68, “NIGHTS LIKE THIS” by The Kid LAROI surprisingly up big to #47, “Kisses” by BL3SS and CamrinWatsin featuring bbyclose at #44, “the boy is mine” by Ariana Grande at #39 off of the remix with Brandy and Monica (cheap idea, bad execution), “KEHLANI” by Jordan Adetunji at #29 which is a decidedly unslizzy occurrence, “DEVIL IS A LIE” by Tommy Richman at #21, “Not Like Us” by Kendrick Lamar riding the high of The Pop Out at #14 and really, the biggest story: Chappell Roan. Not only are “Red Wine Supernova” and “HOT TO GO!” up to #40 and #33 respectively, she gets her first ever top 10 hit with “Good Luck, Babe!” hitting #7.

As for the top five, we see much of the expected. “BIRDS OF A FEATHER” by Billie Eilish is at #5, Eminem’s “Houdini” is at #4, Shaboozey’s “A Bar Song (Tipsy)” is at #3 and of course, both Sabrina Carpenter songs in the top 10 stick to the top two: “Espresso” at #2 and the newer “Please Please Please” at the top spot. As for what’s below it… thankfully not a lot in sheer quantity but a lot of interest so let’s try and make sense of it.

New Entries

#69 - “Tears” - Perrie

Produced by Ido Zmishlany

These “extended” versions are a bit ridiculous recently: personally, I’d prefer my songs come complete in the package and I don’t have to find booster packs. With that said, the aforementioned extended version of this newest single from Little Mix’s second-to-most recent solo breakout, Perrie Edwards, is very good. We’ve had a lot of smooth, lounge-esque 80s pastiches on this show, but this delves so fully into glitzy synth-funk that it’s really admirable. The groove, though a bit plastic and muddy in the mix as you kind of expect from cheaper UK pop production, is undeniable and the easy guitar melody has been in my head persistently since I first heard it. Most importantly, Ms. Edwards actually plays with the instrumental and its composition as a vocalist, she doesn’t just sit afloat in the way many other singers would, and that includes, say, a Dua Lipa. The weirdly fast-paced tumble of a chorus displays that messy breakup so well and rings alarm bells in the posturing that she’s really over it, guys, she’s totally not been thinking about him, within the verses, but she’s still rightfully angry and the chorus isn’t that awkward of a tumble that it can’t carry the same swagger the instrumental from Mr. Zmishlany commands. It’s no surprise to me that this guy has worked before with people like Shawn Mendes and Sabrina Carpenter given how breezy of a listen it is, though Perrie doesn’t stumble over her own writing in the way those two do: she shares the command of the song with the funk behind her. It truly is a brilliant pop song, yet it turns out to be the one that’ll probably flop. I understand that the Little Mix girls have had, so far, very ephemeral solo stardom, but the quality is really there for a lot of them, so it’s a damn shame that the girl group fame hasn’t rubbed off more than it probably should have.

#60 - “misses” - Dominic Fike

Produced by Dominic Fike

Ah, Dominic Fike. I remember when I knew that one song which was a pretty good song, and never even needed to think about him for a second song, let alone an acting career that I couldn’t care about but have heard… not so great things regarding, as well as of course pushing out some of the most insufferable indie pop of the last few years, of which some has been covered here. This new track… okay, are you fucking kidding me? This is one minute and 14 seconds. I get Fike has gained virality more for his demos than his completed songs, and that sometimes this is valid, but you can tell how inauthentic and tacky the “distortion” here is, and the fact that it’s all packed into barely more than one minute shows me two things: 1.) the writers and producers are lazy, 2.) they’re chasing some of that success he got from dumping some, at least honest and interesting, demos onto streaming services. Oh, and a third thing: it was written and produced solely by Fike himself. That’s not particularly impressive, of course, when it’s somehow completely forgettable despite being so concise and insistent on drilling that one chorus melody into you, but he also devolves into vocal riffing midway through over an unchanging garage rock plonker that couldn’t pick up any momentum if it tried. And of course, because it’s Fike, I don’t need to tell you that the lyrics are condescending towards women. Calling her his “miss” is already off to a rough start without some needed context, and he doesn’t grant us that, instead going onto consider the relationship dead and reassuring her that she’ll be “grieved” - as if the woman in any given relationship actively wants their ex-boyfriend to grovel about them instead of just going their separate ways - before pinning the blame on her because he’s just a man who loved too much too quickly, right? The verse later basically berates her for being useless, and that when she’s not with him, she’s misguided and invisible, despite the fact that she’s so beautiful, yeah, piss off. This is a barely-constructed song with nasty attitudes on an album seemingly full of these shitty, malformed interludes and I don’t see any value in it sticking around.

#41 - “Wave” - Asake and Central Cee

Produced by Magicsticks

Nigerian singer Asake, who I’ve praised before on this show but mostly in the lower rungs of the chart and off of it entirely, is finally getting a real UK push, given the Cench feature, and whilst I liked “Lonely at the Top” largely for lyrical and performance reasons, this if anything is more of an exhibition for his producer, Magicsticks, as this is a genuinely unique instrumental here. It’s got an Afrobeats rhythm for sure, but not only is the drum pattering shakier but it’s accompanied by what I can only describe as a groan stick, which follows as weedy a melody as the later flutes. This is largely a chill song about relaxing and flexing, but the flatter sense of groove that exists here, the way the drums never embrace their full punch into long after Asake had meandered beyond the chorus, and only when Central Cee comes in, and still in a slightly staggered, stuttering way, it’s a really interesting decision that works out very well. It almost reminds me of Brazilian funk sometimes, especially with its cacophonic approach and that later screeching synth. As for content, it doesn’t really matter, but I do wish there was a little more substance or at least a less generic Cench verse, but really, the weird note the very busy and tense instrumental carries when placed against the Afrobeats genre’s use of choir vocals is really fascinating. It doesn’t fully hit, but it’s a risk that is pulled off by ensuring other elements of the mix, like Asake’s drowned out vocals or the general blandness of Cench’s cadences, are kept to the sidelines, which doesn’t lead to a fuller song but still an interesting one that is still developing on itself with extra choir harmonies and even uglier synth fuzz at its last moments. Maybe it’s not one I’ll go back to - it’s not particularly catchy - but it’s an interesting way to grab a different audience’s attention.

#37 - “us.” - Gracie Abrams featuring Taylor Swift

Produced by Aaron Dessner, Gracie Abrams, Taylor Swift and Jack Antonoff

So, Gracie Abrams, daughter of J.J. of course, released her let’s-pretend-it’s-adebut record, The Secret of Us, and surprisingly to me, despite pretty much no traction before this, it went to #1 on the albums chart: here is your golden ticket as to why. Not particularly this song, but the idea of Taylor Swift being behind this specific young singer and project, as well as making a direct appearance, absolutely helped. It also makes perfect sense considering that both of Abrams’ prior songs I had heard that charted were basically less self-realised Taylor Swift leftovers. She even got both Dessner and Antonoff on here because of course, and well, firstly, I don’t understand why this is a duet - and barely at that. Abrams derives from both her own older tracks and Taylor’s to create some unsubtle metaphors and oddly fragmented verses about a former relationship, and Taylor is here for decoration as far as thematics are concerned as there isn’t a clear attempt at implementing her vocal presence into the narrative. That’s… fine, if not lazy, but once you get to the lyrics themselves, it’s all kind of a shambles that apes Taylor’s style of writing without actually making all too much sense. I would appreciate the fantastical, forelorn imagery of “Babylon lovers hanging lifetimes on a vine”, if she didn’t ask her ex if they “miss[ed hers]”… what exactly could they miss here? If the point is that the vine represents a “lifetime”, then in what sense does it make for someone to “miss” a “lifetime”? Abrams could say that the relationship felt like a lifetime, or took a lifetime out of her, that would make sense, but it gets confused with the use of the Babylon imagery - also, the hanging gardens of Babylon are disputed to have even existed at all, but not in a concrete way where we know exactly what it’s being confused with or who exactly fabricated it, so “Babylon lovers” and the “vine” conceit feels like a cheap use of imagery without really understanding its origin, especially since Abrams makes “us” - I.e. the relationship - solid and established in that chorus.

The verses may be a bit of basic word salad, but when you try and make connections between certain ideas, they start to break down - what does being 29 years old actually have anything to do with being welcoming or open with your younger partner? If you’re going to include the “so”, there should be a connection but it’s never explained. It gets worse and worse throughout the song also: I know the “prophets”/”profits” homonym was probably just an inescapable cliché for our gang of four - even if it actually muddles the flow of that bridge - but what actually ARE the “false profits they make in the margins of poetry sonnets”? Who’s “they”, book publishers? How are the profits in any way “false”, or the exact “margins” of a sonnet relevant? Oh, and thanks for specifying “poetry sonnets”, not to be confused with the other types of sonnets that aren’t poetic, all zero of them. You could argue that part is purposefully meaningless as it criticises the guy for his misunderstanding of literature, sure, but I think to pull that off, one needs to 1.) show an understanding of the unnamed poetry he supposedly misconstrued and 2.) not, in your own poetry, express yourself in obtuse ways acting as rhythmic filler.

If you’re going to bring up Robert Bly and the irony that this guy gifted you his work without understanding its reference to masculinity and not representing the values in Bly’s work, how is this guy in any way “incomparable”? You just made a comparison! The condescending lyric from Taylor that he never “read up on” any of the literature he cared about and that he “could have learned something”, sounds really hypocritical in this song full of adding complexity and faux-poignant takes or, well, comparisons into a song ultimately lacking any nuance, because what does adding any of this meaninglessness really contribute to the general picture Taylor will paint of any ex-boyfriend in a typical song? I’m a sucker for detail lyrically but detail that actually gratifies the listener for looking carefully, not punishing them once the cracks are realised. This sounds nit-picky but is genuinely incredibly distracting for a song wherein I’m supposed to reeled into the narrative on display… and Hell, I’m always being told that Taylor is one of the greatest songwriters, so I’m not sure why I can’t nit-pick for every detail.

Obviously, this is not my only problem with the song. Dessner’s acoustic guitar is twiddly and oddly tense as well as feeling copy-pasted throughout the song, Abrams sounds like a BTEC Lorde on a chart week where we get the real deal taking genuine artistic risk - more on that later - and the chorus is a sludge of a lead vocal melody covered in feathery vocal layers that really emphasise how little is being said. If I were right-wing, I’d probably take even further offense in the sheer amount of pronouns Abrams is shoving down my ears, and honestly, I still am, because outside of the bridge, what is “us”? Why should he miss that? The bridge has all the plastic cinematic swell of a video game trailer, full with swooshing effects and some of the worst drums I’ve heard in pop this year just because of how staggered and dire they feel, they really contribute to a complete tonal clash with the supposed electricity and pure emotional feelings that the two sing about. I know this review is incredibly wrong for a song I don’t really like, but I did come into this with the idea that it’d probably be a good fit for the two to collaborate given Abrams’ influences and the potential for a really interesting narrative as a result, potentially playing off of that dynamic… yet what I get is a white, null void of platitudes that shatter at any scrutiny. Sorry, Swifties… or Abramites I suppose - this is one of my least favourite songs of the year so far.

#34 - “Pour Me a Drink” - Post Malone featuring Blake Shelton

Produced by Louis Bell and Charlie Handsome

Post Malone has yet to truly convince me on the straight-up country pivot. Sure, elements of folk and country have been vaguely reflected in his music for a while, if much lesser than the pop rock influences that have practically always been there and still largely are, but his producers are still his main guys - which I guess I can respect - and he decided Morgan Wallen wasn’t a seasoned enough veteran of Nashville so he went and bagged Mr. Gwen Stefani for the feature on yet another country drinking song… and I guess it’s fine. It’s exactly what you’d expect from a 2000s country-pop track, particularly one with some more organic fiddle but more canned drums and rock instrumentation, and I realise that I’m just describing a Blake Shelton song. Bizarrely, he fits less here than Post, who is a natural fit in his warble for this kind of casual country radio sing-a-long. Much like “I Had Some Help”, which this very much resembles, there’s a quicker pace to some of the songwriting, especially the chorus, that Shelton finds himself a bit behind sometimes, especially in that rough first verse to chorus transition. The second verse has some cool idea of chemistry between the two but it seems very forced. I can’t imagine a situation where Blake Shelton would be calling Post his “buddy” at an old bar as Post is trying to get with some girl. I think something is missing there, optics-wise… as well as a proper bridge, or any real harmonisation between the two, which also has no reason to be a duet, really. That really shows to me that Post or his label have little confidence in his ability to sell country, by lodging these veterans onto the track without any thematic relevance, and also not realising just how charismatic Post is on his own. I can imagine the dumb grin on his tatted-up face as he records the song, I’m not sure I can really imagine Blake Shelton feeling anything at all. I also don’t really buy either of these guys trying to “keep up with the Joneses” - you ARE the Joneses, fellas - but that’s beside the point of the song. It’ll work in the right context, but it’s not like there’s not plenty of these types of songs and the inclusion of Blake Shelton here detracts from it quite a bit too.

#28 - “Girl, so confusing” - Charli xcx

Produced by A.G. Cook

Yeah, I prefer the solo version. Whilst it’s clear that Charli is talking about someone, probably Lorde, on “Girl, so confusing”, which is now confirmed, the more self-contained story of Charli misunderstanding cues and overthinking certain interactions she has with women in general, as well as the more specific showbiz talk, is much more compelling to me than knowing that it’s just about one woman in particular. That doesn’t mean the Lorde version can’t be that as well, but when I first listened to BRAT, “Girl, so confusing” really resonated with me, in part because of the anthemic nature of the chorus, with the scattered vocal stuttering very much in A.G. Cook’s wheelhouse, but also because, I mean, yeah. It is confusing sometimes to be a girl, and that general thesis, as well as applying the lyrics in the verses to everyday interactions, is something I can get behind and see a lot of value in, especially since it uses such a universally humanising statement to bring the album’s themes back home. Unfortunately, here comes Lorde, coming off the strength of her worst album, and making a song already about her… not very easily about anything else.

I’ve said this before with acts like Doja Cat and Ye, but when it gets too absorbed in gossip, I tend to tune out, and I can’t find many universalities in Lorde’s new contributions, to the point where that main lyric starts to sound closer to “It’s confusing to be Lorde”, which I don’t doubt but I also don’t care about hearing unless I spin a Lorde album, which, well, I do. I love Melodrama. What I don’t love is the awkward implementation of Lorde into the Auto-Tuned club-pop cacophony. She gets to the point - are you sure this is still Lorde? - but it’s through a breathless delivery that name-drops specific elements about Charli that take the song even further away from universality for the sake of the “moment”. I didn’t even realise people cared about a Lorde and Charli feud, one I didn’t know existed until this album dropped, and I honestly doubt this lasts much longer thanks to what is arguably a novelty aspect. I still do like the song, and yes, I will count the original in the conclusion because the Official Charts Company doesn’t credit Lorde, but I wish I could connect to it much more, and the way a lot of people really are gravitating to this viral moment at least gives me some solace in knowing it did do that for other people. The funniest end result for me would be if the song is actually about Marina and the Diamonds and this was all grade-A trolling.

#25 - “feelslikeimfallinginlove” - Coldplay

Produced by Max Martin, Oscar Holter, Bill Rahko, Daniel Green and Michael Ilbert

So, Coldplay are releasing their second weirdly-stylised, Max Martin-penned space album of the 2020s. Sure. These guys can do anything they want at this point and whilst it frustrates me that they don’t take the risks they have with that freedom, or at least in more compelling ways because there definitely are some… choices on the last few albums, some genuinely experimental and out-there, I know I’m not going to find that in a lead single, and hey, the band’s given us some great music in the past, with singles and deep cuts so there’s a level of expected quality and polish to everything they put out. Unexpectedly, however, I love this song. Yeah, I was surprised too, not been a fan of much Coldplay for a while, but this reminds me of the muted Ghost Stories, where its swell came from a genuine push and struggle to express those emotions, rather than the careening easiness of stumbling into orchestras or guitar overdubs like they usually do. If there’s any song in particular I feel that it’s reminiscent of, it’s probably that record’s big single, “Magic”. The difference here is that this is far from a divorce record, it’s a childishly lovestruck anthem, but one that starts with a piercing, glittery distortion that peters away for Damon Albarn-sounding synths and flickering drum sequencing that is as monotone as Chris Martin’s pained attempts at “la-la”s. He’s so tedious in his delivery that he ends up having to harmonise with a pitch-shifted version of his own vocal take, and all of that is a compliment, this is a really interesting song in terms of where it lies emotionally: he’s in love, but seemingly some of that love is coming out of a pity, a hand being lent to a guy who considers himself born to destroy everything good that comes to him. This is his one attempt to pull on those hands in full sincerity, acknowledging that it’s probably a mistake for him to do so but putting his heart and hope where his hands are: in the trust of a new partner who lets the windows open in spite of all that. Fitting for a Glastonbury performance, there are some lush synth and stringwork in the sing-a-long chorus, and it’s definitely a sing-a-long chorus given the simple melody and platitude lyrics that still do reflect some of the song’s conceits - “You’re throwing me a lifeline” is a great lyric to add to ensure that’s still embedded within each crack of the song’s premise, and yes, he rhymes it with “lifetime” and this time, it makes sense. I don’t usually say, “Take notes from Coldplay,” but we might have to start revising their back catalogue. There’s a certain restraint to the song’s true capabilities too - it’s in full slow build-up Coldplay territory of course, but all we have to really reflect on that other than the expected instrumentation is a guitar line so far to the left channel that it’s borderline communist, and a sputtering of lovestruck gibberish from Mr. Martin that’s honestly kind of adorable. It reminds me of when he performed lyrics from the Crazy Frog live on television as part of an instrumental break, it’s a cute and endearing way to end the song. Surprisingly enough, I do thoroughly enjoy this new Coldplay single. Been a while since I’ve said that with as little hesitation.

Conclusion

It’s tough. Who wasted my time the most? But whom did I clearly at least have something there to tussle with and find some value in outside of novelty? As controversial as this probably is, I’m ultimately going to grant Worst of the Week to “us.” by Gracie Abrams featuring Taylor Swift, because at least Dominic Fike’s vapid garbage is as transparent as it is, and yes, “misses” gets a very close Dishonourable Mention. As for the best, it’s also pretty evident here that it’s a toss-up between a few great songs, but ultimately I’ll actually lend it to Coldplay for “feelslikeimfallinginlove” because it sounds great in what might be a more unique emotional balance than the others, though I’m still giving a tied Honourable Mention to the girls, those being Charli xcx for “Girl, so confusing” and Perrie for “Tears”. As for what’s on the horizon, we’ll see whatever tangible impact Glastonbury and Headie One have, as well as that mess of a Camila Cabello album, Jason Derulo’s team-up with two prominent English DJs and maybe more K-pop than you’d think. Time will tell, however, and for now, thank you for reading, rest in peace to Shifty Shellshock - sugar! baby! - and I’ll see you next week.

#uk singles chart #pop music #song review #coldplay #charli xcx #lorde #gracie abrams #taylor swift #asake #central cee #post malone #blake shelton #perrie edwards #dominic fike

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preesistersswallowingadonkeyseye · 5 months

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loose top 145 chart - list under the readmore

1. Neutral Milk Hotel - On Avery Island

2. Car Seat Headrest - How To Leave Town

3. The Microphones - The Glow, Pt. 2

4. Aphex Twin - Selected Ambient Works 85-92

5. Stereolab - Emperor Tomato Ketchup

6. Earl Sweatshirt - some rap songs

7. The Olivia Tremor Control - Black Foliage: Animation Music

8. Bladee - ICEDANCER

9. Prince - Purple Rain

10. The KLF - Chill Out

11. Cardiacs - A Little Man and a House and the Whole World Window

12. Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea

13. The Beatles - Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band

14. Animal Collective - Feels

15. desert sand feels warm at night - 夢の砂漠 (Dream Desert)

16. Hiroshi Yoshimura - SURROUND

17. Duster - Stratosphere

18. bedbug - If I Got Smaller Grew Wings and Flew Away for Good

19. Prince - Prince and The Revolution: Live

20. Mike - WEIGHT OF THE WORLD

21. The Weeknd - After Hours

22. Guided by Voices - Alien Lanes

23. Radiohead - Kid A

24. of Montreal - Skeletal Lamping

25. of Montreal - Hissing Fauna, Are You the Destroyer?

26. Guided by Voices - Bee Thousand

27. Car Seat Headrest - Teens Of Denial

28. The Microphones - Mount Eerie

29. Mew - Frengers

30. Thin Lizzy - Jailbreak

31. The Beatles - Abbey Road

32. Modest Mouse - The Lonesome Crowded West

33. Ride - Nowhere (Expanded)

34. Ween - The Pod

35. Radiohead - OK Computer

36. Fishmans - 宇宙日本世田谷

37. Fishmans - 98.12.28 男達の別れ (Live)

38. Massive Attack - Blue Lines

39. Stereolab - Dots and Loops

40. George Clanton - Slide

41. The Avalanches - Since I Left You

42. Car Seat Headrest - Twin Fantasy

43. Car Seat Headrest - Nervous Young Man

44. Indian Summer - Giving Birth to Thunder

45. Moss Icon - Lyburnum Wits End Liberation Fly

46. Jane Remover - frailty

47. Los Campesinos! - Romance is Boring

48. The Olivia Tremor Control - Dusk at Cubist Castle

49. Nine Inch Nails - The Fragile

50. My Bloody Valentine - You Made Me Realise

51. Bladee - Spiderr

52. 100 gecs - 10,000 gecs

53. Bomb the Music Industry! - Get Warmer

54. DJ Sprinkles - Midtown 120 Blues

55. Alvvays - Alvvays

56. The Mars Volta - De-Loused in the Comatorium

57. Brave Little Abacus - Masked Dancers: Concern in So Many Things You Forget Where You Are

58. Julia Brown - An abundance of strawberries

59. DJ Shadow - Endtroducing.....

60. Modest Mouse - Building Nothing Out of Something

61. Tyler, the Creator - Igor

62. Tyler, the Creator - Flower Boy

63. David Bowie - Blackstar

64. Nine Inch Nails - Bad Witch

65. The Beach Boys - SMiLE

66. Animal Collective - Spirit They’re Gone, Spirit They’ve Vanished

67. Nana Grizol - Dancing Dogs

68. Nana Grizol - Love It Love It

69. Gorillaz - Gorillaz

70. Cocteau Twins - Heaven or Las Vegas

71. Pet Shop Boys - Introspective

72. Glass Beach - Plastic Death

73. Death Grips - the powers that b

74. Junior Delahaye - Showcase

75. Slowdive - Slowdive

76. Los Campesinos! - We Are Beautiful, We Are Doomed

77. Global Communication - 76:14

78. Bright Eyes - Lifted or The Story Is in the Soil, Keep Your Ear to the Ground

79. Car Seat Headrest - 4

80. Vince Staples - Big Fish Theory

81. The Music Tapes - Mary's Voice

82. Animal Collective - Strawberry Jam

83. Ween - Quebec

84. Sufjan Stevens - The Age of Adz

85. Earl Sweatshirt - I Don't Like Shit, I Don't Go Outside: An Album by Earl Sweatshirt

86. Virtual Self - Virtual Self

87. Lil Ugly Mane - Singles

88. Sufjan Stevens - Carrie & Lowell

89. King Gizzard & The Lizard Wizard - Polygondwanaland

90. King Gizzard & The Lizard Wizard - Live in Brisbane '21

91. Boards of Canada - Music Has the Right to Children

92. Boards of Canada - Geogaddi

93. Frank Ocean - Blonde

94. The Cure - Disintegration

95. Nirvana - In Utero

96. Death Grips - Bottomless Pit

97. Mike - renaissance man

98. Dismemberment Plan - Emergency & I

99. The Microphones - It Was Hot, We Stayed In The Water

100. Animal Collective - Merriweather Post Pavilion

101. Cardiacs - The Seaside

102. Gorillaz - Demon Days

103. Duster - Duster

104. My Chemical Romance - I Brought You My Bullets, You Brought Me Your Love

105. Thursday - Full Collapse

106. My Bloody Valentine - m b v

107. Black Dresses - Peaceful as Hell

108. Porter Robinson - nurture

109. of Montreal - Paralytic Stalks

110. bob hund - Bob Hund

111. Teen Suicide - i will be my own hell because there is a devil inside my body

112. Slowdive - Souvlaki

113. Cursive - The Ugly Organ

114. Ween - God Ween Satan: The Oneness (Anniversary Edition)

115. Kleenex Girl Wonder - Ponyoak

116. Sweet Trip - Velocity: design: comfort.

117. Gorillaz - Plastic Beach

118. Guided by Voices - Under the Bushes Under the Stars

119. The Beatles - Revolver

120. Jane Remover - teen week

121. Glass Beach - the first glass beach album

122. blackwinterwells - Stone Ocean

123. The World Is a Beautiful Place & I Am No Longer Afraid to Die - Formlessness - EP

124. Grandaddy - The Sophtware Slump

125. Jordaan Mason - earth to ursa major

126. Weatherday - Come In

127. The pAper chAse - Hide the Kitchen Knives

128. Kylie Minogue - Aphrodite

129. Yung Lean - Starz

130. pilotredsun - Achievement

131. Bomb the Music Industry! - Album Minus Band

132. Wu-Tang Clan - Enter The Wu-Tang (36 Chambers)

133. Doss - Doss

134. Kitty - Frostbite

135. Bob Drake - Medallion Animal Carpet

136. Parannoul - After the Night (Live)

137. J Dilla - Donuts

138. Ashley Ninelives - Eagle Creek

139. Vangelis - Blade Runner - Esper Edition

140. Akira Yamaoka - SILENT HILL2 (Original Soundtrack)

141. C418 - Minecraft - Volume Alpha

142. C418 - Minecraft - Volume Beta

143. Disasterpeace - Fez

144. Toby Fox - UNDERTALE Soundtrack

145. Kero Kero Bonito - Time 'n' Place (background)

honorable mentions to round it off to 150:

146. Julius Eastman - Femenine

147. Radiohead - A Moon Shaped Pool

148. Dinosaur jr. - You're Living All Over Me

149. Flipper - Album Generic Flipper

150. DJ Rozwell - NONE OF THIS IS REAL

#music #collage #topsters #numbers.png

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monstraduplicia · 1 year

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daddy's little girl he broke in thirty: a dean winchester mix

1. abuse me - silverchair 2. adam raised a cain - bruce springsteen 3. alcohol - sisyphus 4. alibis - marianas trench 5. animals - nickelback 6. anyone who knows what love is (will understand) - irma thomas 7. black-eyed - placebo 8. blown wide open - big wreck 9. blunt force concussion - the dirty nil 10. break me - mcfly 11. burn & shine - the posies 12. call of the playground - shudder to think 13. carry that weight - the beatles 14. christian brothers - heatmiser, elliott smith 15. colossus - idles 16. coward's son - the ballroom thieves 17. daddy - korn 18. daddy's daughter - merricat crellin 19. damage control - the dirty nil 20. degenerate - the jesus and the mary chain 21. the devil you know (god is a man) - face to face 22. discipline - nine inch nails 23. don't let the sun catch you cryin' - jeff buckley 24. the drowners - suede 25. father - the front bottoms 26. father and son - cat stevens 27. father figure - george michael 28. father of mine - everclear 29. feel the pain - dinosaur jr 30. fiddle about - the who 31. forgiven - alanis morissette 32. fortunate son - creedence clearwater revival 33. freak - silverchair 34. friends in the sky - the dirty nil 35. fuckin' up young - the dirty nil 36. ghost - sky ferreira 37. girls - the dare 38. good boy - patriarchy 39. hang yer moon - the dirty nil 40. hard times - ethel cain 41. he needs me - shelley duvall 42. i burn - toadies 43. i know it's over - the smiths 44. i'm with you - avril lavigne 45. i need somebody - the stooges 46. infra-red - placebo 47. i woke up in a strange place - jeff buckley 48. judge yr'self - manic street preachers 49. last night i dreamt that somebody loved me - the smiths 50. life becoming a landslide - manic street preachers 51. lightsabre cocksucking blues - mclusky 52. loverboy - you me at six 53. low self opinion - rollins band 54. monster side - addict 55. moodswing whiskey - jeff buckley 56. mr. self destruct - nine inch nails 57. nancy boy - placebo 58. o death - rhiannon giddens, francesco turris 59. oh comely - neutral milk hotel 60. pain - four star mary 61. papa was a rodeo - the magnetic fields 62. please hurt me - the crystals 63. please please please let me get what i want - the smiths 64. prayer - big wreck 65. pretension//repulsion - manic street preachers 66. renegade - styx 67. runnin' with the devil - van halen 68. samarians - idles 69. send the pain below - chevelle 70. sex and violence - the exploited 71. the shining - badly drawn boy 72. simple man - deftones 73. slab - silverchair 74. song against sex - neutral milk hotel 75. story of isaac - leonard cohen 76. (they long to be) close to you - carpenters 77. thoroughfare - ethel cain 78. a trophy fathers trophy son - sleeping with sirens 79. two-headed boy - neutral milk hotel 80. two-headed boy pt. 2 - neutral milk hotel 81. unloveable - the smiths 82. wanted man - ratt 83. the weight - the band 84. western nights - ethel cain 85. what will you say - jeff buckley 86. whipping post - allman brothers band 87. you are a runner and i am my father's son - wolf parade 88. you can't always get what you want - the rolling stones 89. your flesh is so nice - jeff buckley 90. youth gone wild - skid row

#dean winchester #a lot of these are dean/john and sam/dean inspired btw #also i frequently add to my playlists so this is far from the final track listing #mine #mix

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best-yandere-tournament · 6 months

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Tentative list for best horror and thriller girls:

1. Maria from Mad Father

2. Reiko Mikami from Another

3. Bridget, from the webtoon Nonesuch,

4. Ha-Im, from webtoon Never-ending Darling.

5. Riot Maidstone (from Hello From The Hallowoods),

6. Martha from Ravenous 1999

7. Grace, from Ready or Not (2019).

8. Regan Abbott (A Quiet Place)

9. Ava (Ex Machina)

10. Beatrice (Over the Garden Wall)

11. Jennifer from Jennifer’s Body

12. Rozy from the guy upstairs

13. Rachel (Rachel Rising comic book series)

14. Amanda Young, SAW,

15. Wendy Torrance, “The Shining” movie

16. Pannochka - Viy

17. Blind Mag (Repo! The Genetic Opera)

18. Sasha from the magnus archives

19. Mina Harker (Dracula

20. Lex Foster from Black Friday.

21. Charlotte from Hello Charlotte!

22. Carrie White, Carrie

23. Scarlet, I’m the Grim Reaper

24. So Jung-hwa, Strangers from Hell

25. Dana Scully, The X Files

26. Akane Tsunemori, Psycho Pass

27. Mima Kirigoe, Perfect Blue

28. Nina Fortner, Monster

29. Eva Heinemann, Monster

30. Edith Cushing, Crimson Peak

31. Lucille Sharpe, Crimson Peak

32. Ellen Ripley, Alien

33. Clarice Starling, Silence of the Lambs

34. Lisa Reisert, Red Eye

35. Laurie Strode, Halloween

36. Kayo Hinazuki, Erased

37. Hondomachi, ID Invaded

38. Yonaka Kurai, Mogeko Castle

39. Ib, IB

40. Re-L Mayer, Ergo Proxy

41. Kyun Yoon, Bastard

42. Jisu, Sweet Home

43. Lauren Sinclair, Purple Hyacinth

44. Nita, Market of Monsters series

45. Rose the Hat from Doctor Sleep (2019 movie and Stephen King book)

46. Sidney Prescott from the original Scream movies,

47. Jade Daniels, Indian Lake Trilogy/My Heart is a chainsaw by Stephen Graham Jones

48. Villanelle, killing eve

49. Harrow from gideon the ninth/Locked Tomb

50. Maggie, Everything is Fine

51. Chaerin Eun, Surviving Romance

52. Finn, I’m Dating a Psychopath

53. Rayne Liebert, Homesick

54. Ha-im Yun, Never Ending Darling

55. Ashlyn Banner, School Bus Graveyard

56. Chae-ah Han, Trapped

57. Jeongmin Choi, Dreaming Freedom

58. Frankie, Stagtown

59. India Stoker, Stoker

60. Nam-ra, All of Us Are Dead

61. Ji-woo, My Name

62. Nanno, Girl From Nowhere

63. Emerald, Nope

64. Jessica Jones

65. Susy, Wait Until Dark

66. Margot, The Menu

67. Vera, Just Like Home

68. Rosemary, Rosemary’s Baby

69. Gertrude Robinson, The Magnus Archives

70. Alex, Oxenfree

71. Margaret Lanternman/The Log Lady, Twin Peaks,

72. Audrey Horne, Twin Peaks,

73. Su-an, Train to Busan

74. Ji-a, Tale of the Nine Tailed

75. Cha Ji-won, Flower of Evil

76. Coraline

77. Helen Lyle, Candyman

78. Nancy, Nightmare on Elm Street

79. Mrs. De Winter, Rebecca

80. Mrs. Danvers, Rebecca

81. Shiki Ryougi, Garden of Sinners

82. Kirsty Cotton, Hellraiser

83. Pearl, Pearl

84. Take-ju, Thirst

85. Suzy Bannion, Suspiria

86. Lain, Serial Experiments Lain

87. Asami Yamazaki, Audition

88. Naru, Prey

89. Eli, Let the Right One In

90. The Girl, A Girl walks home alone at night

91. Cecilia, Immaculate

92. Evie Alexander, The Invitation

93. Maren, Bones and All

94. Michelle, 10 Cloverfield Lane

95. Thomasin, The VVitch

96. Emma, None Shall Sleep

97. Contestanta, A Dowry of Blood

98. Brigid O’Shaughnessy, Maltese Falcon

99. Sandra Voyter, Anatomy of a Fall

100. Lisa, Rear Window

#polls

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invaders-cookbook · 1 year

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Invader's Cookbook #1: Your first Invasion Build

Invading is hard to get into due to the amount of preparation you need to succeed. You need quite a bit of practice to be really good, but you don't always have to be good to be successful at invasions. Your build determines your options. In the first part of Invader's Cookbook you will learn how to make your first build for invading.

Your attributes and Upgrade Level

For your first build, I will suggest a Lightning Dexterity Build for Rune Level 60. It has good all-around damage and survivability, and gives you plenty of options in most situations. The amount of available weapons also makes this build very fun to play!

Start as Vagabond and distribute your attributes like this:

Vigor -> 35

Mind -> 10

Endurance -> 24

Strength -> 15

Dexterity -> 30

Intelligence -> 9

Faith -> 9

Arcane -> 7

It is very important that during your playthrough you do not upgrade any weapon further than +12 or +5 Somber! Matchmaking is based on your level, as well as your weapon upgrade! If you upgrade even one weapon over the +12/+5 Somber threshold, you won't find any matches!

Your Talismans

Your Talismans are necessary additions to your build. There will be 3 talismans that are the most useful for this build and I highly recommend to wear them at all times. These are: Radagon's Soreseal, Great Jar's Talisman and Bullgoat's Talisman.

Your last talisman slot is free for you to choose. You can swap them mid-fight situationally, or wear something like Millicent's Prosthesis for a permanent buff. It's up to you to decide. Useful Situational talismans are: Green Turtle Talisman, Two Fingers Talisman, Shard of Alexander, Arrow's Sting Talisman and Blessed Dew Talisman.

Situational swapping requires thought and some skills, but it's much stronger than not doing it at all.

Use Bullgoat's Talisman to hit at the very least 75 poise. The fashion is up to you!

Weapons

Your arsenal is your most important asset. As an invader, you must swap weapons to adapt to any situation. Don't just carry them in your additional slots, they take up your equip load which can be used to wear heavier armour for better defences and poise!

Dual-wielded Noble Slender Swords will be your main damage-dealing tool. I recommend Endure and Storm Stomp ashes of war on them. Endure helps you trade blows and escape dangerous situations, while Storm Stomp gives you a combo option to deal damage.

Cleanrot Knight Sword with Thunderbolt is a great tool to finish off enemies that are far away, as well as just a good overall weapon that is effective both in the main hand and the offhand.

Antspur Rapier with Bloodhound's Step serves two purposes: Scarlet Rot application and escaping from unpleasant situations. Scarlet Rot is incredibly effective against opponents with high latency. Use Keen affinity to be able to use Rot Grease on the weapon to increase status build-up.

Cold Nagakiba is a an amazing trick that allows you to deal massive damage and apply frostbite using Spinning Slash Ash of War.

Bolt of Gransax is an amazing spear that allows you to shoot a very powerful projectile on high distances. It's most effective when your opponents haven't noticed you yet or are fighting something else. The drawback is high FP cost, but it can also be strengthened by Shard of Alexander talisman

Godskin Stitcher is a great chase-down weapon for those who are running away, as well as a powerful head-to-head combat tool! Most ashes of war are very useful, though I heavily prefer using Piercing Fang or Lightning Strike, Hey, wanna improve at playing Heavy Thrusting Swords? Check out this video!

Grave Scythe is a head-to-head combat weapon that is also great at punishing shield users for installing Elden Ring on their gaming device! Use Sword Dance ash of war for big damage, or Quickstep for powerful combos and dodges!

Claymore is a very reliable weapon that is useful in most situations. Use Piercing Fang, Impaling Thrust or my personal favourite: Storm Stomp. The latter allows you to land a quick and powerful R2 attack on an opponent you land it on.

Stormhawk Axe is a nuclear option that deals significant damage over a big area. Use it sparingly, for it leaves you at great risk of getting hit if you miss. Use for ambushes and sudden turn-and-burns when your opponents least expect it!

Don't forget that this is not a full list of available weapons or ashes of war. You can experiment with any weapon you find interesting or useful! My personal inventory stretches multiple pages at this point. Dexterity Builds are incredibly versatile! Anything that can be infused with Lightning or has Dexterity scaling can be used effectively, even heavier weapons like the Zweihander!

Miscellaneous

Physick Flask

Lightning-Shrouding Cracked Tear is mandatory for this build. It will buff your damage significantly, making your build the most powerful for your level.

The remaining physick slot is up to you. My personal choice lies between Crimsonburst Cracked Tear, Crimson Bubbletear and Opaline Hardtear.

Consumables

Your best case scenario is the one where you have 14 fully upgraded healing flasks, 20 Cracked Pots, 10 Ritual Pots, 10 Perfume Bottles, and as many various boluses as you can gather. For crafting materials see my post on Crafting Materials, Consumables and Community Assistance

How to decrease the downtime between invasions!

Invading is famously time consuming and we simply do not have time to sit around and wait for a suitable world to be found. These two tips will dramatically improve your chances of invading:

Tip #1: Visit as many areas as possible. This will increase the pool of areas you can invade in. Visit every cave, catacomb or secluded area you can find. Note that you don't have to complete them, you just have to visit them once.

Tip #2: Acquire both the Bloody Finger and the Recusant Finger. Use them one after another in succession untill the invasion starts. The way invasions select players to invade is painfully slow without this method, as it scans the pool of available players once every 20 seconds. With this method you can cut it down to 5!

#invader's cookbook #elden ring #elden ring invasions #elden ring pvp #elden ring build #elden ring help

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thecreaturecodex · 1 year

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Hubert Malevol

“Undead - concept” © Sergei Dorokhin, accessed at his ArtStation here.

[Hubert the Hunter was a saint of hunting associated with dogs, so making him some sort of undead monstrosity is delightfully sacrilegious. He’s one of the nastier family members in Castle Xyntillan, so I wanted him to be powerful, but not as powerful as Aristide.]

Hubert Malevol CR 11 LE Undead This human man is clearly dead, with blood red eyes, no nose and a lipless mouth surrounded by a matted beard. He wears hide armor and carries a sword and shield with him, a fine hunting horn on his hip.

Hubert the Hunter is one of the most powerful members of the Malevol family. He is Aristide’s grandson and embraced undeath willingly in order to pursue his hobbies—raising dogs and hunting people for sport—for eternity. He lives in Castle Xyntillian most of the time, but has a redoubt in the Indoornesse—the pocket dimension ruled by his father Runclus—and goes out to hunt the ordinary folk of Taldor at least every solstice and equinox. Hubert is loyal to the Malevol family to a fault. He takes a neutral position in most of the conflicts between family members, but takes great glee in dispatching disloyal servants and slaves. He takes trophies, and has taxidermied some of the kills he is particularly proud of.

Hubert is most comfortable in the saddle, and can summon his ghostly steed Redrum (his prized horse when they were both alive) to his side in order to ride around the wider hallways of the Castle. He loves dogs more than people, and has his grandfather or another necromancer in the family raise them as zombies or skeletons when they die of old age or violence. His prized hounds are galleytrots. He owns eight of them, each with the advanced simple template and Shake it Off instead of Mobility as a feat. Encountering Hubert with four advanced galleytrots is a CR 12 encounter.

Hubert Malevol CR 11 XP 12,800 Variant juju zombie human cavalier (ghost rider) 11 LE Medium undead (augmented humanoid, human) Init +5; Senses darkvision 60 ft., Perception +12, scent Aura fearless (10 ft.) Defense AC 23, touch 11, flat-footed 22 (+1 Dex, +6 armor, +2 shield, +4 natural) hp 109 (11d10+44) Fort +11, Ref +7, Will +6; +4 channel resistance DR 10/magic and slashing; Immune cold, electricity, undead traits; Resist fire 10 Offense Speed 20 ft. (30 ft. unarmored) Melee +1 bastard sword +16/+11/+6 (1d10+5/19-20), slam +10 (1d6+2) or slam +15 (1d6+6) Ranged masterwork light crossbow +13 (1d8/19-20) Special Attacks challenge 4/day (+3 AC, +11 damage), for the king (+3 atk, dmg), frightful gaze (Will DC 18, 3/day), lion’s call (+3 vs. fear/+1 atk, 11 rounds) Statistics Str 18, Dex 12, Con -, Int 12, Wis 14, Cha 16 Base Atk +11; CMB +15; CMD 26 Feats Exotic Weapon Proficiency (bastard sword), Improved Initiative (B), Lightning Reflexes, Mounted Combat, Outflank, Power Attack, Ride-By Attack, Shake It Off, Spirited Charge, Toughness (B) Skills Climb +16, Craft (taxidermy) +13, Handle Animal +14, Intimidate +16, Knowledge (nobility) +10, Perception +12, Perform (wind) +9, Ride +12 (+14 on ghost mount); Racial Modifiers +8 Climb Languages Common, Necril SQ contingency, etheric tether, ghost mount, ghost wind, hunter zombie, spirited mount Gear headband of charisma +2, cloak of resistance +1, rhino hide, +1 bastard sword, amulet of natural armor +1, 4 tangle arrows (as tangle bolts), masterwork light crossbow, 20 arrows, masterwork heavy steel shield, scrimshawed signal horn decorated with hunting hounds worth 75 gp, 17 gp, 60 sp. Special Abilities Contingency When Hubert is reduced to half hit points or fewer, he and his mount (if summoned) are teleported back to his room in Castle Xyntillian. Fearless (Su) Each ally within 10 feet of Hubert Malevol gains a +4 morale bonus on saving throws against fear effects. This ability functions only while Hubert is conscious, not if he is unconscious or dead. Frightful Gaze (Su) Hubert Malevol can use this ability on opponents within 30 feet as a standard action, which acts as a gaze attack until his next turn. Creatures within range that meet Hubert’s gaze must succeed at a DC 18 Will saving throw or stand paralyzed in fear for 1 round. This is a mind-affecting fear effect. Creatures that successfully save against that ghost rider's frightful gaze are immune to it for 24 hours. At 9th level, this ability can affect creatures that are mindless or immune to mind-affecting effects, though it still counts as a fear effect. Hubert can use this ability a number of times each day equal to her Charisma modifier (typically 3/day). Hunter Zombie (Ex) Hubert Malevol is not immune to magic missile spells the way that most juju zombies are, but gains the scent ability.

Redrum CR – Phantom mount LE Large animal (phantom) Init +3; Senses darkvision 60 ft., Perception +7 Defense AC 26, touch 13, flat-footed 22 (-1 size, +3 Dex, +1 dodge, +10 natural, +3 armor) hp 76 (9d8+36) Fort +9, Ref +9, Will +4; +4 vs. enchantment DR 10/magic Defensive Abilities devotion, link Offense Speed 50 ft., ghost wind, phase lurch, spirited mount Melee bite +9 (1d6+3), 2 hooves +4 (1d4+1) Space 10 ft.; Reach 5 ft. Special Attacks magic attacks (evil, law, magic) Statistics Str 16, Dex 17, Con 16, Int 3, Wis 12, Cha 10 Base Atk +6; CMB +10; CMD 24 (28 vs. trip) Feats Dodge, Mobility, Outflank, Shake It Off, Toughness Skills Acrobatics +12 (+29 when jumping), Perception +7 Languages understands Common (cannot speak) Gear masterwork studded leather barding Special Abilities Spirited Mount (Su) Redrum ignores difficult terrain and gains the ability to use water walk at will as a supernatural ability. Ghost Wind (Su) Redrum can use air walk (as the spell, no action required) at will for up to 1 round at a time, after which it falls to the ground.

#hubert malevol #hubert the hunter #pathfinder 1e #castle xyntillian #undead #zombie #monster npcs

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vaguelyhumanshapedbeing · 1 year

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Fun fact! There is nothing stopping you from posting the entirety of Shakespeare plays on Tumblr.com!

Exhibit 1 — The Comedy of Errors:

ACT 1

Scene 1

Enter ⌜Solinus⌝ the Duke of Ephesus, with ⌜Egeon⌝ the Merchant of Syracuse, Jailer, and other Attendants.

EGEON Proceed, Solinus, to procure my fall, And by the doom of death end woes and all. DUKE Merchant of Syracusa, plead no more. I am not partial to infringe our laws. 5 The enmity and discord which of late Sprung from the rancorous outrage of your duke To merchants, our well-dealing countrymen, Who, wanting guilders to redeem their lives, Have sealed his rigorous statutes with their bloods, 10 Excludes all pity from our threat’ning looks. For since the mortal and intestine jars ’Twixt thy seditious countrymen and us, It hath in solemn synods been decreed, Both by the Syracusians and ourselves, 15 To admit no traffic to our adverse towns. Nay, more, if any born at Ephesus Be seen at Syracusian marts and fairs; Again, if any Syracusian born Come to the bay of Ephesus, he dies, 20 His goods confiscate to the Duke’s dispose,

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Unless a thousand marks be levièd To quit the penalty and to ransom him. Thy substance, valued at the highest rate, Cannot amount unto a hundred marks; 25 Therefore by law thou art condemned to die. EGEON Yet this my comfort: when your words are done, My woes end likewise with the evening sun. DUKE Well, Syracusian, say in brief the cause Why thou departedst from thy native home 30 And for what cause thou cam’st to Ephesus. EGEON A heavier task could not have been imposed Than I to speak my griefs unspeakable; Yet, that the world may witness that my end Was wrought by nature, not by vile offense, 35 I’ll utter what my sorrow gives me leave. In Syracusa was I born, and wed Unto a woman happy but for me, And by me, had not our hap been bad. With her I lived in joy. Our wealth increased 40 By prosperous voyages I often made To Epidamium, till my factor’s death And ⌜the⌝ great care of goods at random left Drew me from kind embracements of my spouse; From whom my absence was not six months old 45 Before herself—almost at fainting under The pleasing punishment that women bear— Had made provision for her following me And soon and safe arrivèd where I was. There had she not been long but she became 50 A joyful mother of two goodly sons, And, which was strange, the one so like the other As could not be distinguished but by names.

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That very hour, and in the selfsame inn, A mean woman was deliverèd 55 Of such a burden, male twins, both alike. Those, for their parents were exceeding poor, I bought and brought up to attend my sons. My wife, not meanly proud of two such boys, Made daily motions for our home return. 60 Unwilling, I agreed. Alas, too soon We came aboard. A league from Epidamium had we sailed Before the always-wind-obeying deep Gave any tragic instance of our harm; 65 But longer did we not retain much hope, For what obscurèd light the heavens did grant Did but convey unto our fearful minds A doubtful warrant of immediate death, Which though myself would gladly have embraced, 70 Yet the incessant weepings of my wife, Weeping before for what she saw must come, And piteous plainings of the pretty babes, That mourned for fashion, ignorant what to fear, Forced me to seek delays for them and me. 75 And this it was, for other means was none: The sailors sought for safety by our boat And left the ship, then sinking-ripe, to us. My wife, more careful for the latter-born, Had fastened him unto a small spare mast, 80 Such as seafaring men provide for storms. To him one of the other twins was bound, Whilst I had been like heedful of the other. The children thus disposed, my wife and I, Fixing our eyes on whom our care was fixed, 85 Fastened ourselves at either end the mast And, floating straight, obedient to the stream, Was carried towards Corinth, as we thought.

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At length the sun, gazing upon the earth, Dispersed those vapors that offended us, 90 And by the benefit of his wished light The seas waxed calm, and we discoverèd Two ships from far, making amain to us, Of Corinth that, of Epidaurus this. But ere they came—O, let me say no more! 95 Gather the sequel by that went before. DUKE Nay, forward, old man. Do not break off so, For we may pity though not pardon thee. EGEON O, had the gods done so, I had not now Worthily termed them merciless to us. 100 For, ere the ships could meet by twice five leagues, We were encountered by a mighty rock, Which being violently borne ⌜upon,⌝ Our helpful ship was splitted in the midst; So that, in this unjust divorce of us, 105 Fortune had left to both of us alike What to delight in, what to sorrow for. Her part, poor soul, seeming as burdenèd With lesser weight, but not with lesser woe, Was carried with more speed before the wind, 110 And in our sight they three were taken up By fishermen of Corinth, as we thought. At length, another ship had seized on us And, knowing whom it was their hap to save, Gave healthful welcome to their shipwracked guests, 115 And would have reft the fishers of their prey Had not their ⌜bark⌝ been very slow of sail; And therefore homeward did they bend their course. Thus have you heard me severed from my bliss, That by misfortunes was my life prolonged 120 To tell sad stories of my own mishaps.

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DUKE And for the sake of them thou sorrowest for, Do me the favor to dilate at full What have befall’n of them and ⌜thee⌝ till now. EGEON My youngest boy, and yet my eldest care, 125 At eighteen years became inquisitive After his brother, and importuned me That his attendant—so his case was like, Reft of his brother, but retained his name— Might bear him company in the quest of him, 130 Whom whilst I labored of a love to see, I hazarded the loss of whom I loved. Five summers have I spent in farthest Greece, Roaming clean through the bounds of Asia, And, coasting homeward, came to Ephesus, 135 Hopeless to find, yet loath to leave unsought Or that or any place that harbors men. But here must end the story of my life; And happy were I in my timely death Could all my travels warrant me they live. DUKE 140 Hapless Egeon, whom the fates have marked To bear the extremity of dire mishap, Now, trust me, were it not against our laws, Against my crown, my oath, my dignity, Which princes, would they, may not disannul, 145 My soul should sue as advocate for thee. But though thou art adjudgèd to the death, And passèd sentence may not be recalled But to our honor’s great disparagement, Yet will I favor thee in what I can. 150 Therefore, merchant, I’ll limit thee this day To seek thy ⌜life⌝ by beneficial help. Try all the friends thou hast in Ephesus; Beg thou, or borrow, to make up the sum,

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And live. If no, then thou art doomed to die.— 155 Jailer, take him to thy custody. JAILER I will, my lord. EGEON Hopeless and helpless doth Egeon wend, But to procrastinate his lifeless end. They exit.

⌜Scene 2⌝

Enter Antipholus ⌜of Syracuse, First⌝ Merchant, and Dromio ⌜of Syracuse.⌝

⌜FIRST⌝ MERCHANT Therefore give out you are of Epidamium, Lest that your goods too soon be confiscate. This very day a Syracusian merchant Is apprehended for arrival here 5 And, not being able to buy out his life, According to the statute of the town Dies ere the weary sun set in the west. There is your money that I had to keep. ⌜He gives money.⌝ ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE, handing money to Dromio⌝ Go bear it to the Centaur, where we host, 10 And stay there, Dromio, till I come to thee. Within this hour it will be dinnertime. Till that, I’ll view the manners of the town, Peruse the traders, gaze upon the buildings, And then return and sleep within mine inn, 15 For with long travel I am stiff and weary. Get thee away. DROMIO ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ Many a man would take you at your word And go indeed, having so good a mean. Dromio ⌜of Syracuse⌝ exits.

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ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ A trusty villain, sir, that very oft, 20 When I am dull with care and melancholy, Lightens my humor with his merry jests. What, will you walk with me about the town And then go to my inn and dine with me? ⌜FIRST⌝ MERCHANT I am invited, sir, to certain merchants, 25 Of whom I hope to make much benefit. I crave your pardon. Soon at five o’clock, Please you, I’ll meet with you upon the mart And afterward consort you till bedtime. My present business calls me from you now. ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ 30 Farewell till then. I will go lose myself And wander up and down to view the city. ⌜FIRST⌝ MERCHANT Sir, I commend you to your own content.⌜He exits.⌝ ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ He that commends me to mine own content Commends me to the thing I cannot get. 35 I to the world am like a drop of water That in the ocean seeks another drop, Who, falling there to find his fellow forth, Unseen, inquisitive, confounds himself. So I, to find a mother and a brother, 40 In quest of them, unhappy, lose myself.

Enter Dromio of Ephesus.

Here comes the almanac of my true date.— What now? How chance thou art returned so soon? DROMIO OF EPHESUS Returned so soon? Rather approached too late! The capon burns; the pig falls from the spit; 45 The clock hath strucken twelve upon the bell; My mistress made it one upon my cheek.

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She is so hot because the meat is cold; The meat is cold because you come not home; You come not home because you have no stomach; 50 You have no stomach, having broke your fast. But we that know what ’tis to fast and pray Are penitent for your default today. ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ Stop in your wind, sir. Tell me this, I pray: Where have you left the money that I gave you? DROMIO OF EPHESUS 55 O, sixpence that I had o’ Wednesday last To pay the saddler for my mistress’ crupper? The saddler had it, sir; I kept it not. ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ I am not in a sportive humor now. Tell me, and dally not: where is the money? 60 We being strangers here, how dar’st thou trust So great a charge from thine own custody? DROMIO OF EPHESUS I pray you, jest, sir, as you sit at dinner. I from my mistress come to you in post; If I return, I shall be post indeed, 65 For she will scour your fault upon my pate. Methinks your maw, like mine, should be your ⌜clock,⌝ And strike you home without a messenger. ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ Come, Dromio, come, these jests are out of season. 70 Reserve them till a merrier hour than this. Where is the gold I gave in charge to thee? DROMIO OF EPHESUS To me, sir? Why, you gave no gold to me! ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ Come on, sir knave, have done your foolishness, And tell me how thou hast disposed thy charge.

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DROMIO OF EPHESUS 75 My charge was but to fetch you from the mart Home to your house, the Phoenix, sir, to dinner. My mistress and her sister stays for you. ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ Now, as I am a Christian, answer me In what safe place you have bestowed my money, 80 Or I shall break that merry sconce of yours That stands on tricks when I am undisposed. Where is the thousand marks thou hadst of me? DROMIO OF EPHESUS I have some marks of yours upon my pate, Some of my mistress’ marks upon my shoulders, 85 But not a thousand marks between you both. If I should pay your Worship those again, Perchance you will not bear them patiently. ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ Thy mistress’ marks? What mistress, slave, hast thou? DROMIO OF EPHESUS 90 Your Worship’s wife, my mistress at the Phoenix, She that doth fast till you come home to dinner And prays that you will hie you home to dinner. ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE, beating Dromio⌝ What, wilt thou flout me thus unto my face, Being forbid? There, take you that, sir knave. DROMIO OF EPHESUS 95 What mean you, sir? For God’s sake, hold your hands. Nay, an you will not, sir, I’ll take my heels. Dromio ⌜of⌝ Ephesus exits. ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ Upon my life, by some device or other The villain is ⌜o’erraught⌝ of all my money. 100 They say this town is full of cozenage, As nimble jugglers that deceive the eye,

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Dark-working sorcerers that change the mind, Soul-killing witches that deform the body, Disguisèd cheaters, prating mountebanks, 105 And many suchlike liberties of sin. If it prove so, I will be gone the sooner. I’ll to the Centaur to go seek this slave. I greatly fear my money is not safe. He exits.

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ACT 2

⌜Scene 1⌝

Enter Adriana, wife to Antipholus ⌜of Ephesus,⌝ with Luciana, her sister.

ADRIANA Neither my husband nor the slave returned That in such haste I sent to seek his master? Sure, Luciana, it is two o’clock. LUCIANA Perhaps some merchant hath invited him, 5 And from the mart he’s somewhere gone to dinner. Good sister, let us dine, and never fret. A man is master of his liberty; Time is their master, and when they see time They’ll go or come. If so, be patient, sister. ADRIANA 10 Why should their liberty than ours be more? LUCIANA Because their business still lies out o’ door. ADRIANA Look when I serve him so, he takes it ⌜ill.⌝ LUCIANA O, know he is the bridle of your will. ADRIANA There’s none but asses will be bridled so. LUCIANA 15 Why, headstrong liberty is lashed with woe.

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There’s nothing situate under heaven’s eye But hath his bound in earth, in sea, in sky. The beasts, the fishes, and the wingèd fowls Are their males’ subjects and at their controls. 20 Man, more divine, the master of all these, Lord of the wide world and wild wat’ry seas, Endued with intellectual sense and souls, Of more preeminence than fish and fowls, Are masters to their females, and their lords. 25 Then let your will attend on their accords. ADRIANA This servitude makes you to keep unwed. LUCIANA Not this, but troubles of the marriage bed. ADRIANA But, were you wedded, you would bear some sway. LUCIANA Ere I learn love, I’ll practice to obey. ADRIANA 30 How if your husband start some otherwhere? LUCIANA Till he come home again, I would forbear. ADRIANA Patience unmoved! No marvel though she pause; They can be meek that have no other cause. A wretched soul bruised with adversity 35 We bid be quiet when we hear it cry, But were we burdened with like weight of pain, As much or more we should ourselves complain. So thou, that hast no unkind mate to grieve thee, With urging helpless patience would relieve me; 40 But if thou live to see like right bereft, This fool-begged patience in thee will be left. LUCIANA Well, I will marry one day, but to try. Here comes your man. Now is your husband nigh.

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Enter Dromio ⌜of⌝ Ephesus.

ADRIANA Say, is your tardy master now at hand? DROMIO OF EPHESUS 45Nay, he’s at two hands with me, and that my two ears can witness. ADRIANA Say, didst thou speak with him? Know’st thou his mind? DROMIO OF EPHESUS Ay, ay, he told his mind upon mine ear. 50 Beshrew his hand, I scarce could understand it. LUCIANA Spake he so doubtfully thou couldst not feel his meaning? DROMIO OF EPHESUS Nay, he struck so plainly I could too well feel his blows, and withal so doubtfully 55 that I could scarce understand them. ADRIANA But say, I prithee, is he coming home? It seems he hath great care to please his wife. DROMIO OF EPHESUS Why, mistress, sure my master is horn mad. ADRIANA Horn mad, thou villain? DROMIO OF EPHESUS 60 I mean not cuckold mad, But sure he is stark mad. When I desired him to come home to dinner, He asked me for a ⌜thousand⌝ marks in gold. “’Tis dinnertime,” quoth I. “My gold,” quoth he. 65 “Your meat doth burn,” quoth I. “My gold,” quoth he. “Will you come?” quoth I. “My gold,” quoth he. “Where is the thousand marks I gave thee, villain?” “The pig,” quoth I, “is burned.” “My gold,” quoth 70 he.

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“My mistress, sir,” quoth I. “Hang up thy mistress! I know not thy mistress. Out on thy mistress!” LUCIANA Quoth who? DROMIO OF EPHESUS Quoth my master. 75 “I know,” quoth he, “no house, no wife, no mistress.” So that my errand, due unto my tongue, I thank him, I bare home upon my shoulders, For, in conclusion, he did beat me there. ADRIANA 80 Go back again, thou slave, and fetch him home. DROMIO OF EPHESUS Go back again and be new beaten home? For God’s sake, send some other messenger. ADRIANA Back, slave, or I will break thy pate across. DROMIO OF EPHESUS And he will bless that cross with other beating. 85 Between you, I shall have a holy head. ADRIANA Hence, prating peasant. Fetch thy master home. DROMIO OF EPHESUS Am I so round with you as you with me, That like a football you do spurn me thus? You spurn me hence, and he will spurn me hither. 90 If I last in this service, you must case me in leather. ⌜He exits.⌝ LUCIANA Fie, how impatience loureth in your face. ADRIANA His company must do his minions grace, Whilst I at home starve for a merry look. Hath homely age th’ alluring beauty took 95 From my poor cheek? Then he hath wasted it. Are my discourses dull? Barren my wit? If voluble and sharp discourse be marred,

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Unkindness blunts it more than marble hard. Do their gay vestments his affections bait? 100 That’s not my fault; he’s master of my state. What ruins are in me that can be found By him not ruined? Then is he the ground Of my defeatures. My decayèd fair A sunny look of his would soon repair. 105 But, too unruly deer, he breaks the pale And feeds from home. Poor I am but his stale. LUCIANA Self-harming jealousy, fie, beat it hence. ADRIANA Unfeeling fools can with such wrongs dispense. I know his eye doth homage otherwhere, 110 Or else what lets it but he would be here? Sister, you know he promised me a chain. Would that alone o’ love he would detain, So he would keep fair quarter with his bed. I see the jewel best enamelèd 115 Will lose his beauty. Yet the gold bides still That others touch, and often touching will ⌜Wear⌝ gold; ⌜yet⌝ no man that hath a name By falsehood and corruption doth it shame. Since that my beauty cannot please his eye, 120 I’ll weep what’s left away, and weeping die. LUCIANA How many fond fools serve mad jealousy! ⌜They⌝ exit.

⌜Scene 2⌝

Enter Antipholus ⌜of Syracuse.⌝

ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ The gold I gave to Dromio is laid up Safe at the Centaur, and the heedful slave

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Is wandered forth in care to seek me out. By computation and mine host’s report, 5 I could not speak with Dromio since at first I sent him from the mart. See, here he comes.

Enter Dromio ⌜of⌝ Syracuse.

How now, sir? Is your merry humor altered? As you love strokes, so jest with me again. You know no Centaur? You received no gold? 10 Your mistress sent to have me home to dinner? My house was at the Phoenix? Wast thou mad, That thus so madly thou didst answer me? DROMIO OF SYRACUSE What answer, sir? When spake I such a word? ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ Even now, even here, not half an hour since. DROMIO OF SYRACUSE 15 I did not see you since you sent me hence, Home to the Centaur with the gold you gave me. ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ Villain, thou didst deny the gold’s receipt And told’st me of a mistress and a dinner, For which I hope thou felt’st I was displeased. DROMIO OF SYRACUSE 20 I am glad to see you in this merry vein. What means this jest, I pray you, master, tell me? ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ Yea, dost thou jeer and flout me in the teeth? Think’st thou I jest? Hold, take thou that and that. Beats Dromio. DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Hold, sir, for God’s sake! Now your jest is earnest. 25 Upon what bargain do you give it me? ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ Because that I familiarly sometimes Do use you for my fool and chat with you,

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Your sauciness will jest upon my love And make a common of my serious hours. 30 When the sun shines, let foolish gnats make sport, But creep in crannies when he hides his beams. If you will jest with me, know my aspect, And fashion your demeanor to my looks, Or I will beat this method in your sconce. DROMIO OF SYRACUSE 35“Sconce” call you it? So you would leave battering, I had rather have it a “head.” An you use these blows long, I must get a sconce for my head and ensconce it too, or else I shall seek my wit in my shoulders. But I pray, sir, 40 why am I beaten? ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ Dost thou not know? DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Nothing, sir, but that I am beaten. ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ Shall I tell you why? DROMIO OF SYRACUSE 45Ay, sir, and wherefore, for they say every why hath a wherefore. ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ “Why” first: for flouting me; and then “wherefore”: for urging it the second time to me. DROMIO OF SYRACUSE 50 Was there ever any man thus beaten out of season, When in the “why” and the “wherefore” is neither rhyme nor reason? Well, sir, I thank you. ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ Thank me, sir, for what? DROMIO OF SYRACUSE 55Marry, sir, for this something that you gave me for nothing. ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ I’ll make you amends next, to give you nothing for something. But say, sir, is it dinnertime? DROMIO OF SYRACUSE 60No, sir, I think the meat wants that I have.

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ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ In good time, sir, what’s that? DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Basting. ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ 65Well, sir, then ’twill be dry. DROMIO OF SYRACUSE If it be, sir, I pray you eat none of it. ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ Your reason? DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Lest it make you choleric and 70 purchase me another dry basting. ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ Well, sir, learn to jest in good time. There’s a time for all things. DROMIO OF SYRACUSE I durst have denied that before you were so choleric. ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ 75By what rule, sir? DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Marry, sir, by a rule as plain as the plain bald pate of Father Time himself. ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ Let’s hear it. DROMIO OF SYRACUSE There’s no time for a man to 80 recover his hair that grows bald by nature. ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ May he not do it by fine and recovery? DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Yes, to pay a fine for a periwig, and recover the lost hair of another man. ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ 85Why is Time such a niggard of hair, being, as it is, so plentiful an excrement? DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Because it is a blessing that he bestows on beasts, and what he hath scanted ⌜men⌝ in hair, he hath given them in wit. ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ 90Why, but there’s many a man hath more hair than wit. DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Not a man of those but he hath the wit to lose his hair. ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ Why, thou didst conclude 95 hairy men plain dealers without wit. DROMIO OF SYRACUSE The plainer dealer, the sooner lost. Yet he loseth it in a kind of jollity.

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ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ For what reason? DROMIO OF SYRACUSE For two, and sound ones too. ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ 100Nay, not sound, I pray you. DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Sure ones, then. ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ Nay, not sure, in a thing falsing. DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Certain ones, then. ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ 105Name them. DROMIO OF SYRACUSE The one, to save the money that he spends in ⌜tiring;⌝ the other, that at dinner they should not drop in his porridge. ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ You would all this time 110 have proved there is no time for all things. DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Marry, and did, sir: namely, e’en no time to recover hair lost by nature. ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ But your reason was not substantial why there is no time to recover. DROMIO OF SYRACUSE 115Thus I mend it: Time himself is bald and therefore, to the world’s end, will have bald followers. ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ I knew ’twould be a bald conclusion. But soft, who wafts us yonder?

Enter Adriana, ⌜beckoning them,⌝ and Luciana.

ADRIANA 120 Ay, ay, Antipholus, look strange and frown. Some other mistress hath thy sweet aspects. I am not Adriana, nor thy wife. The time was once when thou unurged wouldst vow That never words were music to thine ear, 125 That never object pleasing in thine eye, That never touch well welcome to thy hand, That never meat sweet-savored in thy taste, Unless I spake, or looked, or touched, or carved to thee. 130 How comes it now, my husband, O, how comes it

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That thou art then estrangèd from thyself? “Thyself” I call it, being strange to me, That, undividable, incorporate, Am better than thy dear self’s better part. 135 Ah, do not tear away thyself from me! For know, my love, as easy mayst thou fall A drop of water in the breaking gulf, And take unmingled thence that drop again Without addition or diminishing, 140 As take from me thyself and not me too. How dearly would it touch thee to the quick, Shouldst thou but hear I were licentious And that this body, consecrate to thee, By ruffian lust should be contaminate! 145 Wouldst thou not spit at me, and spurn at me, And hurl the name of husband in my face, And tear the stained skin off my harlot brow, And from my false hand cut the wedding ring, And break it with a deep-divorcing vow? 150 I know thou canst, and therefore see thou do it. I am possessed with an adulterate blot; My blood is mingled with the crime of lust; For if we two be one, and thou play false, I do digest the poison of thy flesh, 155 Being strumpeted by thy contagion. Keep then fair league and truce with thy true bed, I live distained, thou undishonorèd. ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ Plead you to me, fair dame? I know you not. In Ephesus I am but two hours old, 160 As strange unto your town as to your talk, Who, every word by all my wit being scanned, Wants wit in all one word to understand. LUCIANA Fie, brother, how the world is changed with you!

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When were you wont to use my sister thus? 165 She sent for you by Dromio home to dinner. ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ By Dromio? DROMIO OF SYRACUSE By me? ADRIANA By thee; and this thou didst return from him: That he did buffet thee and, in his blows, 170 Denied my house for his, me for his wife. ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ Did you converse, sir, with this gentlewoman? What is the course and drift of your compact? DROMIO OF SYRACUSE I, sir? I never saw her till this time. ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ Villain, thou liest, for even her very words 175 Didst thou deliver to me on the mart. DROMIO OF SYRACUSE I never spake with her in all my life. ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ How can she thus then call us by our names— Unless it be by inspiration? ADRIANA How ill agrees it with your gravity 180 To counterfeit thus grossly with your slave, Abetting him to thwart me in my mood. Be it my wrong you are from me exempt, But wrong not that wrong with a more contempt. Come, I will fasten on this sleeve of thine. ⌜She takes his arm.⌝ 185 Thou art an elm, my husband, I a vine, Whose weakness, married to thy ⌜stronger⌝ state, Makes me with thy strength to communicate. If aught possess thee from me, it is dross, Usurping ivy, brier, or idle moss, 190 Who, all for want of pruning, with intrusion Infect thy sap and live on thy confusion.

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ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE, aside⌝ To me she speaks; she moves me for her theme. What, was I married to her in my dream? Or sleep I now and think I hear all this? 195 What error drives our eyes and ears amiss? Until I know this sure uncertainty I’ll entertain the ⌜offered⌝ fallacy. LUCIANA Dromio, go bid the servants spread for dinner. DROMIO OF SYRACUSE O, for my beads! I cross me for a sinner. ⌜He crosses himself.⌝ 200 This is the fairy land. O spite of spites! We talk with goblins, owls, and sprites. If we obey them not, this will ensue: They’ll suck our breath, or pinch us black and blue. LUCIANA Why prat’st thou to thyself and answer’st not? 205 Dromio—thou, Dromio—thou snail, thou slug, thou sot. DROMIO OF SYRACUSE I am transformèd, master, am I not? ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ I think thou art in mind, and so am I. DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Nay, master, both in mind and in my shape. ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ 210 Thou hast thine own form. DROMIO OF SYRACUSE No, I am an ape. LUCIANA If thou art changed to aught, ’tis to an ass. DROMIO OF SYRACUSE ’Tis true. She rides me, and I long for grass. ’Tis so. I am an ass; else it could never be 215 But I should know her as well as she knows me.

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ADRIANA Come, come, no longer will I be a fool, To put the finger in the eye and weep Whilst man and master laughs my woes to scorn. Come, sir, to dinner.—Dromio, keep the gate.— 220 Husband, I’ll dine above with you today, And shrive you of a thousand idle pranks. ⌜To Dromio.⌝ Sirrah, if any ask you for your master, Say he dines forth, and let no creature enter.— Come, sister.—Dromio, play the porter well. ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE, aside⌝ 225 Am I in Earth, in heaven, or in hell? Sleeping or waking, mad or well-advised? Known unto these, and to myself disguised! I’ll say as they say, and persever so, And in this mist at all adventures go. DROMIO OF SYRACUSE 230 Master, shall I be porter at the gate? ADRIANA Ay, and let none enter, lest I break your pate. LUCIANA Come, come, Antipholus, we dine too late. ⌜They exit.⌝

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ACT 3

Scene 1

Enter Antipholus of Ephesus, his man Dromio, Angelo the goldsmith, and Balthasar the merchant.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Good Signior Angelo, you must excuse us all; My wife is shrewish when I keep not hours. Say that I lingered with you at your shop To see the making of her carcanet, 5 And that tomorrow you will bring it home. But here’s a villain that would face me down He met me on the mart, and that I beat him And charged him with a thousand marks in gold, And that I did deny my wife and house.— 10 Thou drunkard, thou, what didst thou mean by this? DROMIO OF EPHESUS Say what you will, sir, but I know what I know. That you beat me at the mart I have your hand to show; If the skin were parchment and the blows you gave 15 were ink, Your own handwriting would tell you what I think. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS I think thou art an ass. DROMIO OF EPHESUS Marry, so it doth appear By the wrongs I suffer and the blows I bear.

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20 I should kick being kicked and, being at that pass, You would keep from my heels and beware of an ass. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS You’re sad, Signior Balthasar. Pray God our cheer May answer my goodwill and your good welcome here. BALTHASAR 25 I hold your dainties cheap, sir, and your welcome dear. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS O Signior Balthasar, either at flesh or fish A table full of welcome makes scarce one dainty dish. BALTHASAR 30 Good meat, sir, is common; that every churl affords. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS And welcome more common, for that’s nothing but words. BALTHASAR Small cheer and great welcome makes a merry feast. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS 35 Ay, to a niggardly host and more sparing guest. But though my cates be mean, take them in good part. Better cheer may you have, but not with better heart.⌜He attempts to open the door.⌝ 40 But soft! My door is locked. ⌜To Dromio.⌝ Go, bid them let us in. DROMIO OF EPHESUS Maud, Bridget, Marian, Ciceley, Gillian, Ginn! DROMIO OF SYRACUSE, ⌜within⌝ Mome, malt-horse, capon, coxcomb, idiot, patch! Either get thee from the door or sit down at the 45 hatch.

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Dost thou conjure for wenches, that thou call’st for such store When one is one too many? Go, get thee from the door. DROMIO OF EPHESUS 50 What patch is made our porter? My master stays in the street. DROMIO OF SYRACUSE, ⌜within⌝ Let him walk from whence he came, lest he catch cold on ’s feet. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Who talks within there? Ho, open the door. DROMIO OF SYRACUSE, ⌜within⌝ 55 Right, sir, I’ll tell you when an you’ll tell me wherefore. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Wherefore? For my dinner. I have not dined today. DROMIO OF SYRACUSE, ⌜within⌝ Nor today here you must not. Come again when you may. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS 60 What art thou that keep’st me out from the house I owe? DROMIO OF SYRACUSE, ⌜within⌝ The porter for this time, sir, and my name is Dromio. DROMIO OF EPHESUS O villain, thou hast stolen both mine office and my 65 name! The one ne’er got me credit, the other mickle blame. If thou hadst been Dromio today in my place, Thou wouldst have changed thy face for a name, or 70 thy name for an ass.

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Enter Luce ⌜above, unseen by Antipholus of Ephesus and his company.⌝

LUCE What a coil is there, Dromio! Who are those at the gate? DROMIO OF EPHESUS Let my master in, Luce. LUCE Faith, no, he comes too late, 75 And so tell your master. DROMIO OF EPHESUS O Lord, I must laugh. Have at you with a proverb: shall I set in my staff? LUCE Have at you with another: that’s—When, can you tell? DROMIO OF SYRACUSE, ⌜within⌝ 80 If thy name be called “Luce,” Luce, thou hast answered him well. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS, ⌜to Luce⌝ Do you hear, you minion? You’ll let us in, I hope? LUCE I thought to have asked you. DROMIO OF SYRACUSE, ⌜within⌝ And you said no. DROMIO OF EPHESUS 85 So, come help. Well struck! There was blow for blow. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS, ⌜to Luce⌝ Thou baggage, let me in. LUCE Can you tell for whose sake? DROMIO OF EPHESUS Master, knock the door hard. LUCE 90 Let him knock till it ache. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS You’ll cry for this, minion, if I beat the door down. ⌜He beats on the door.⌝

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LUCE What needs all that, and a pair of stocks in the town?

Enter Adriana, ⌜above, unseen by Antipholus of Ephesus and his company.⌝

ADRIANA Who is that at the door that keeps all this noise? DROMIO OF SYRACUSE, ⌜within⌝ 95 By my troth, your town is troubled with unruly boys. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Are you there, wife? You might have come before. ADRIANA Your wife, sir knave? Go, get you from the door. ⌜Adriana and Luce exit.⌝ DROMIO OF EPHESUS If you went in pain, master, this knave would go 100 sore. ANGELO, ⌜to Antipholus of Ephesus⌝ Here is neither cheer, sir, nor welcome. We would fain have either. BALTHASAR In debating which was best, we shall part with neither. DROMIO OF EPHESUS 105 They stand at the door, master. Bid them welcome hither. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS There is something in the wind, that we cannot get in. DROMIO OF EPHESUS You would say so, master, if your garments were 110 thin. Your cake here is warm within; you stand here in the cold.

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It would make a man mad as a buck to be so bought and sold. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS 115 Go, fetch me something. I’ll break ope the gate. DROMIO OF SYRACUSE, ⌜within⌝ Break any breaking here, and I’ll break your knave’s pate. DROMIO OF EPHESUS A man may break a word with ⌜you,⌝ sir, and words are but wind, 120 Ay, and break it in your face, so he break it not behind. DROMIO OF SYRACUSE, ⌜within⌝ It seems thou want’st breaking. Out upon thee, hind! DROMIO OF EPHESUS Here’s too much “Out upon thee!” I pray thee, let me in. DROMIO OF SYRACUSE, ⌜within⌝ 125 Ay, when fowls have no feathers and fish have no fin. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS, ⌜to Dromio of Ephesus⌝ Well, I’ll break in. Go, borrow me a crow. DROMIO OF EPHESUS A crow without feather? Master, mean you so? For a fish without a fin, there’s a fowl without a 130 feather.— If a crow help us in, sirrah, we’ll pluck a crow together. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Go, get thee gone. Fetch me an iron crow. BALTHASAR Have patience, sir. O, let it not be so. 135 Herein you war against your reputation, And draw within the compass of suspect Th’ unviolated honor of your wife. Once this: your long experience of ⌜her⌝ wisdom,

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Her sober virtue, years, and modesty 140 Plead on ⌜her⌝ part some cause to you unknown. And doubt not, sir, but she will well excuse Why at this time the doors are made against you. Be ruled by me; depart in patience, And let us to the Tiger all to dinner, 145 And about evening come yourself alone To know the reason of this strange restraint. If by strong hand you offer to break in Now in the stirring passage of the day, A vulgar comment will be made of it; 150 And that supposèd by the common rout Against your yet ungallèd estimation That may with foul intrusion enter in And dwell upon your grave when you are dead; For slander lives upon succession, 155 Forever housèd where it gets possession. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS You have prevailed. I will depart in quiet And, in despite of mirth, mean to be merry. I know a wench of excellent discourse, Pretty and witty, wild and yet, too, gentle. 160 There will we dine. This woman that I mean, My wife—but, I protest, without desert— Hath oftentimes upbraided me withal; To her will we to dinner. ⌜To Angelo.⌝ Get you home And fetch the chain; by this, I know, ’tis made. 165 Bring it, I pray you, to the Porpentine, For there’s the house. That chain will I bestow— Be it for nothing but to spite my wife— Upon mine hostess there. Good sir, make haste. Since mine own doors refuse to entertain me, 170 I’ll knock elsewhere, to see if they’ll disdain me. ANGELO I’ll meet you at that place some hour hence.

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ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Do so. This jest shall cost me some expense. They exit.

⌜Scene 2⌝

Enter ⌜Luciana⌝ with Antipholus of Syracuse.

⌜LUCIANA⌝ And may it be that you have quite forgot A husband’s office? Shall, Antipholus, Even in the spring of love thy love-springs rot? Shall love, in ⌜building,⌝ grow so ⌜ruinous?⌝ 5 If you did wed my sister for her wealth, Then for her wealth’s sake use her with more kindness. Or if you like elsewhere, do it by stealth — Muffle your false love with some show of 10 blindness. Let not my sister read it in your eye; Be not thy tongue thy own shame’s orator; Look sweet, speak fair, become disloyalty; Apparel vice like virtue’s harbinger. 15 Bear a fair presence, though your heart be tainted. Teach sin the carriage of a holy saint. Be secret-false. What need she be acquainted? What simple thief brags of his own ⌜attaint?⌝ ’Tis double wrong to truant with your bed 20 And let her read it in thy looks at board. Shame hath a bastard fame, well managèd; Ill deeds is doubled with an evil word. Alas, poor women, make us ⌜but⌝ believe, Being compact of credit, that you love us. 25 Though others have the arm, show us the sleeve; We in your motion turn, and you may move us.

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Then, gentle brother, get you in again. Comfort my sister, cheer her, call her ⌜wife.⌝ ’Tis holy sport to be a little vain 30 When the sweet breath of flattery conquers strife. ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Sweet mistress—what your name is else I know not, Nor by what wonder you do hit of mine— Less in your knowledge and your grace you show not Than our Earth’s wonder, more than Earth divine. 35 Teach me, dear creature, how to think and speak. Lay open to my earthy gross conceit, Smothered in errors, feeble, shallow, weak, The folded meaning of your words’ deceit. Against my soul’s pure truth why labor you 40 To make it wander in an unknown field? Are you a god? Would you create me new? Transform me, then, and to your power I’ll yield. But if that I am I, then well I know Your weeping sister is no wife of mine, 45 Nor to her bed no homage do I owe. Far more, far more, to you do I decline. O, train me not, sweet mermaid, with thy note To drown me in thy ⌜sister’s⌝ flood of tears. Sing, Siren, for thyself, and I will dote. 50 Spread o’er the silver waves thy golden hairs, And as a ⌜bed⌝ I’ll take ⌜them⌝ and there lie, And in that glorious supposition think He gains by death that hath such means to die. Let love, being light, be drownèd if she sink. LUCIANA 55 What, are you mad that you do reason so? ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Not mad, but mated—how, I do not know. LUCIANA It is a fault that springeth from your eye.

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ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE For gazing on your beams, fair sun, being by. LUCIANA Gaze when you should, and that will clear your 60 sight. ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE As good to wink, sweet love, as look on night. LUCIANA Why call you me “love”? Call my sister so. ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Thy sister’s sister. LUCIANA That’s my sister. ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE 65 No, It is thyself, mine own self’s better part, Mine eye’s clear eye, my dear heart’s dearer heart, My food, my fortune, and my sweet hope’s aim, My sole Earth’s heaven, and my heaven’s claim. LUCIANA 70 All this my sister is, or else should be. ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Call thyself “sister,” sweet, for I am thee. Thee will I love, and with thee lead my life; Thou hast no husband yet, nor I no wife. Give me thy hand. LUCIANA 75 O soft, sir. Hold you still. I’ll fetch my sister to get her goodwill.She exits.

Enter Dromio ⌜of⌝ Syracuse, ⌜running.⌝

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Why, how now, Dromio. Where runn’st thou so fast? DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Do you know me, sir? Am I 80 Dromio? Am I your man? Am I myself? ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Thou art Dromio, thou art my man, thou art thyself. DROMIO OF SYRACUSE I am an ass, I am a woman’s man, and besides myself.

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ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE 85What woman’s man? And how besides thyself? DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Marry, sir, besides myself I am due to a woman, one that claims me, one that haunts me, one that will have me. ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE 90What claim lays she to thee? DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Marry, sir, such claim as you would lay to your horse, and she would have me as a beast; not that I being a beast she would have me, but that she, being a very beastly creature, lays 95 claim to me. ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE What is she? DROMIO OF SYRACUSE A very reverend body, ay, such a one as a man may not speak of without he say “sir-reverence.” I have but lean luck in the match, 100 and yet is she a wondrous fat marriage. ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE How dost thou mean a “fat marriage”? DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Marry, sir, she’s the kitchen wench, and all grease, and I know not what use to 105 put her to but to make a lamp of her and run from her by her own light. I warrant her rags and the tallow in them will burn a Poland winter. If she lives till doomsday, she’ll burn a week longer than the whole world. ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE 110What complexion is she of? DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Swart like my shoe, but her face nothing like so clean kept. For why? She sweats. A man may go overshoes in the grime of it. ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE That’s a fault that water will 115 mend. DROMIO OF SYRACUSE No, sir, ’tis in grain; Noah’s flood could not do it. ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE What’s her name? DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Nell, sir, but her name ⌜and⌝

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120 three quarters—that’s an ell and three quarters— will not measure her from hip to hip. ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Then she bears some breadth? DROMIO OF SYRACUSE No longer from head to foot than 125 from hip to hip. She is spherical, like a globe. I could find out countries in her. ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE In what part of her body stands Ireland? DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Marry, sir, in her buttocks. I 130 found it out by the bogs. ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Where Scotland? DROMIO OF SYRACUSE I found it by the barrenness, hard in the palm of the hand. ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Where France? DROMIO OF SYRACUSE 135In her forehead, armed and reverted, making war against her heir. ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Where England? DROMIO OF SYRACUSE I looked for the chalky cliffs, but I could find no whiteness in them. But I guess it 140 stood in her chin, by the salt rheum that ran between France and it. ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Where Spain? DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Faith, I saw it not, but I felt it hot in her breath. ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE 145Where America, the Indies? DROMIO OF SYRACUSE O, sir, upon her nose, all o’erembellished with rubies, carbuncles, sapphires, declining their rich aspect to the hot breath of Spain, who sent whole armadas of carracks to be 150 ballast at her nose. ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Where stood Belgia, the Netherlands? DROMIO OF SYRACUSE O, sir, I did not look so low. To conclude: this drudge or diviner laid claim to me,

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155 called me Dromio, swore I was assured to her, told me what privy marks I had about me, as the mark of my shoulder, the mole in my neck, the great wart on my left arm, that I, amazed, ran from her as a witch. 160 And, I think, if my breast had not been made of faith, and my heart of steel, She had transformed me to a curtal dog and made me turn i’ th’ wheel. ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Go, hie thee presently. Post to the road. 165 An if the wind blow any way from shore, I will not harbor in this town tonight. If any bark put forth, come to the mart, Where I will walk till thou return to me. If everyone knows us, and we know none, 170 ’Tis time, I think, to trudge, pack, and be gone. DROMIO OF SYRACUSE As from a bear a man would run for life, So fly I from her that would be my wife.He exits. ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE There’s none but witches do inhabit here, And therefore ’tis high time that I were hence. 175 She that doth call me husband, even my soul Doth for a wife abhor. But her fair sister, Possessed with such a gentle sovereign grace, Of such enchanting presence and discourse, Hath almost made me traitor to myself. 180 But lest myself be guilty to self wrong, I’ll stop mine ears against the mermaid’s song.

Enter Angelo with the chain.

ANGELO Master Antipholus. ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Ay, that’s my name.

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ANGELO I know it well, sir. Lo, here’s the chain. 185 I thought to have ta’en you at the Porpentine; The chain unfinished made me stay thus long. ⌜He gives Antipholus a chain.⌝ ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE What is your will that I shall do with this? ANGELO What please yourself, sir. I have made it for you. ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Made it for me, sir? I bespoke it not. ANGELO 190 Not once, nor twice, but twenty times you have. Go home with it, and please your wife withal, And soon at supper time I’ll visit you And then receive my money for the chain. ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE I pray you, sir, receive the money now, 195 For fear you ne’er see chain nor money more. ANGELO You are a merry man, sir. Fare you well.He exits. ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE What I should think of this I cannot tell, But this I think: there’s no man is so vain That would refuse so fair an offered chain. 200 I see a man here needs not live by shifts When in the streets he meets such golden gifts. I’ll to the mart, and there for Dromio stay. If any ship put out, then straight away. He exits.

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ACT 4

Scene 1

Enter a ⌜Second⌝ Merchant, ⌜Angelo the⌝ Goldsmith, and an Officer.

⌜SECOND⌝ MERCHANT, ⌜to Angelo⌝ You know since Pentecost the sum is due, And since I have not much importuned you, Nor now I had not, but that I am bound To Persia and want guilders for my voyage. 5 Therefore make present satisfaction, Or I’ll attach you by this officer. ANGELO Even just the sum that I do owe to you Is growing to me by Antipholus. And in the instant that I met with you, 10 He had of me a chain. At five o’clock I shall receive the money for the same. Pleaseth you walk with me down to his house, I will discharge my bond and thank you too.

Enter Antipholus ⌜of⌝ Ephesus ⌜and⌝ Dromio ⌜of Ephesus⌝ from the Courtesan’s.

OFFICER That labor may you save. See where he comes. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS, ⌜to Dromio of Ephesus⌝ 15 While I go to the goldsmith’s house, go thou

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And buy a rope’s end. That will I bestow Among my wife and ⌜her⌝ confederates For locking me out of my doors by day. But soft. I see the goldsmith. Get thee gone. 20 Buy thou a rope, and bring it home to me. DROMIO ⌜OF EPHESUS⌝ I buy a thousand pound a year! I buy a rope! Dromio exits. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS, ⌜to Angelo⌝ A man is well holp up that trusts to you! I promisèd your presence and the chain, But neither chain nor goldsmith came to me. 25 Belike you thought our love would last too long If it were chained together, and therefore came not. ANGELO, ⌜handing a paper to Antipholus of Ephesus⌝ Saving your merry humor, here’s the note How much your chain weighs to the utmost carat, The fineness of the gold, and chargeful fashion, 30 Which doth amount to three-odd ducats more Than I stand debted to this gentleman. I pray you, see him presently discharged, For he is bound to sea, and stays but for it. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS I am not furnished with the present money. 35 Besides, I have some business in the town. Good signior, take the stranger to my house, And with you take the chain, and bid my wife Disburse the sum on the receipt thereof. Perchance I will be there as soon as you. ANGELO 40 Then you will bring the chain to her yourself. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS No, bear it with you lest I come not time enough. ANGELO Well, sir, I will. Have you the chain about you?

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ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS An if I have not, sir, I hope you have, Or else you may return without your money. ANGELO 45 Nay, come, I pray you, sir, give me the chain. Both wind and tide stays for this gentleman, And I, to blame, have held him here too long. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Good Lord! You use this dalliance to excuse Your breach of promise to the Porpentine. 50 I should have chid you for not bringing it, But, like a shrew, you first begin to brawl. ⌜SECOND⌝ MERCHANT, ⌜to Angelo⌝ The hour steals on. I pray you, sir, dispatch. ANGELO, ⌜to Antipholus of Ephesus⌝ You hear how he importunes me. The chain! ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Why, give it to my wife, and fetch your money. ANGELO 55 Come, come. You know I gave it you even now. Either send the chain, or send ⌜by me⌝ some token. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Fie, now you run this humor out of breath. Come, where’s the chain? I pray you, let me see it. ⌜SECOND⌝ MERCHANT My business cannot brook this dalliance. 60 Good sir, say whe’er you’ll answer me or no. If not, I’ll leave him to the Officer. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS I answer you? What should I answer you? ANGELO The money that you owe me for the chain. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS I owe you none till I receive the chain. ANGELO 65 You know I gave it you half an hour since.

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ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS You gave me none. You wrong me much to say so. ANGELO You wrong me more, sir, in denying it. Consider how it stands upon my credit. ⌜SECOND⌝ MERCHANT Well, officer, arrest him at my suit. OFFICER, ⌜to Angelo⌝ 70 I do, and charge you in the Duke’s name to obey me. ANGELO, ⌜to Antipholus of Ephesus⌝ This touches me in reputation. Either consent to pay this sum for me, Or I attach you by this officer. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS 75 Consent to pay thee that I never had?— Arrest me, foolish fellow, if thou dar’st. ANGELO, ⌜to Officer⌝ Here is thy fee. Arrest him, officer.⌜Giving money.⌝ I would not spare my brother in this case If he should scorn me so apparently. OFFICER, ⌜to Antipholus of Ephesus⌝ 80 I do arrest you, sir. You hear the suit. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS I do obey thee till I give thee bail. ⌜To Angelo.⌝ But, sirrah, you shall buy this sport as dear As all the metal in your shop will answer. ANGELO 85 Sir, sir, I shall have law in Ephesus, To your notorious shame, I doubt it not.

Enter Dromio ⌜of⌝ Syracuse from the bay.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Master, there’s a bark of Epidamium That stays but till her owner comes aboard,

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And then, sir, she bears away. Our fraughtage, sir, 90 I have conveyed aboard, and I have bought The oil, the balsamum, and aqua vitae. The ship is in her trim; the merry wind Blows fair from land. They stay for naught at all But for their owner, master, and yourself. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS 95 How now? A madman? Why, thou peevish sheep, What ship of Epidamium stays for me? DROMIO OF SYRACUSE A ship you sent me to, to hire waftage. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Thou drunken slave, I sent thee for a rope And told thee to what purpose and what end. DROMIO OF SYRACUSE 100 You sent me for a rope’s end as soon. You sent me to the bay, sir, for a bark. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS I will debate this matter at more leisure And teach your ears to list me with more heed. To Adriana, villain, hie thee straight. ⌜He gives a key.⌝ 105 Give her this key, and tell her in the desk That’s covered o’er with Turkish tapestry There is a purse of ducats. Let her send it. Tell her I am arrested in the street, And that shall bail me. Hie thee, slave. Begone.— 110 On, officer, to prison till it come. ⌜All but Dromio of Syracuse⌝ exit. DROMIO OF SYRACUSE To Adriana. That is where we dined, Where Dowsabel did claim me for her husband. She is too big, I hope, for me to compass. Thither I must, although against my will, 115 For servants must their masters’ minds fulfill. He exits.

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⌜Scene 2⌝

Enter Adriana and Luciana.

ADRIANA Ah, Luciana, did he tempt thee so? Might’st thou perceive austerely in his eye That he did plead in earnest, yea or no? Looked he or red or pale, or sad or merrily? 5 What observation mad’st thou in this case ⌜Of⌝ his heart’s meteors tilting in his face? LUCIANA First he denied you had in him no right. ADRIANA He meant he did me none; the more my spite. LUCIANA Then swore he that he was a stranger here. ADRIANA 10 And true he swore, though yet forsworn he were. LUCIANA Then pleaded I for you. ADRIANA And what said he? LUCIANA That love I begged for you he begged of me. ADRIANA With what persuasion did he tempt thy love? LUCIANA 15 With words that in an honest suit might move. First he did praise my beauty, then my speech. ADRIANA Did’st speak him fair? LUCIANA Have patience, I beseech. ADRIANA I cannot, nor I will not hold me still. 20 My tongue, though not my heart, shall have his will. He is deformèd, crooked, old, and sere, Ill-faced, worse-bodied, shapeless everywhere,

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Vicious, ungentle, foolish, blunt, unkind, Stigmatical in making, worse in mind. LUCIANA 25 Who would be jealous, then, of such a one? No evil lost is wailed when it is gone. ADRIANA Ah, but I think him better than I say, And yet would herein others’ eyes were worse. Far from her nest the lapwing cries away. 30 My heart prays for him, though my tongue do curse.

Enter Dromio ⌜of⌝ Syracuse ⌜with the key.⌝

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Here, go—the desk, the purse! Sweet, now make haste. LUCIANA How hast thou lost thy breath? DROMIO OF SYRACUSE 35 By running fast. ADRIANA Where is thy master, Dromio? Is he well? DROMIO OF SYRACUSE No, he’s in Tartar limbo, worse than hell. A devil in an everlasting garment hath him, One whose hard heart is buttoned up with steel; 40 A fiend, a fairy, pitiless and rough; A wolf, nay, worse, a fellow all in buff; A backfriend, a shoulder clapper, one that countermands The passages of alleys, creeks, and narrow lands; 45 A hound that runs counter and yet draws dryfoot well, One that before the judgment carries poor souls to hell. ADRIANA Why, man, what is the matter?

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DROMIO OF SYRACUSE 50 I do not know the matter. He is ’rested on the case. ADRIANA What, is he arrested? Tell me at whose suit. DROMIO OF SYRACUSE I know not at whose suit he is arrested well, But is in a suit of buff which ’rested him; that can I tell. 55 Will you send him, mistress, redemption—the money in his desk? ADRIANA Go fetch it, sister. (Luciana exits.) This I wonder at, ⌜That⌝ he, unknown to me, should be in debt. Tell me, was he arrested on a band? DROMIO OF SYRACUSE 60 Not on a band, but on a stronger thing: A chain, a chain. Do you not hear it ring? ADRIANA What, the chain? DROMIO OF SYRACUSE No, no, the bell. ’Tis time that I were gone. It was two ere I left him, and now the clock strikes 65 one. ADRIANA The hours come back. That did I never hear. DROMIO OF SYRACUSE O yes, if any hour meet a sergeant, he turns back for very fear. ADRIANA As if time were in debt. How fondly dost thou 70 reason! DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Time is a very bankrout and owes more than he’s worth to season. Nay, he’s a thief too. Have you not heard men say That time comes stealing on by night and day?

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75 If ⌜he⌝ be in debt and theft, and a sergeant in the way, Hath he not reason to turn back an hour in a day?

Enter Luciana, ⌜with the purse.⌝

ADRIANA Go, Dromio. There’s the money. Bear it straight, And bring thy master home immediately. ⌜Dromio exits.⌝ 80 Come, sister, I am pressed down with conceit: Conceit, my comfort and my injury. ⌜They⌝ exit.

⌜Scene 3⌝

Enter Antipholus ⌜of⌝ Syracuse, ⌜wearing the chain.⌝

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE There’s not a man I meet but doth salute me As if I were their well-acquainted friend, And everyone doth call me by my name. Some tender money to me; some invite me; 5 Some other give me thanks for kindnesses; Some offer me commodities to buy. Even now a tailor called me in his shop And showed me silks that he had bought for me, And therewithal took measure of my body. 10 Sure these are but imaginary wiles, And Lapland sorcerers inhabit here.

Enter Dromio ⌜of⌝ Syracuse ⌜with the purse.⌝

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Master, here’s the gold you sent me for. What, have you got the picture of old Adam new-appareled? ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE 15 What gold is this? What Adam dost thou mean?

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DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Not that Adam that kept the Paradise, but that Adam that keeps the prison; he that goes in the calf’s skin that was killed for the Prodigal; he that came behind you, sir, like an evil 20 angel, and bid you forsake your liberty. ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE I understand thee not. DROMIO OF SYRACUSE No? Why, ’tis a plain case: he that went like a bass viol in a case of leather; the man, sir, that, when gentlemen are tired, gives 25 them a sob and ’rests them; he, sir, that takes pity on decayed men and gives them suits of durance; he that sets up his rest to do more exploits with his mace than a morris-pike. ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE What, thou mean’st an 30 officer? DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Ay, sir, the sergeant of the band; he that brings any man to answer it that breaks his band; one that thinks a man always going to bed and says “God give you good rest.” ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE 35Well, sir, there rest in your foolery. Is there any ships puts forth tonight? May we be gone? DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Why, sir, I brought you word an hour since that the bark Expedition put forth tonight, 40 and then were you hindered by the sergeant to tarry for the hoy Delay. Here are the angels that you sent for to deliver you.⌜He gives the purse.⌝ ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE The fellow is distract, and so am I, And here we wander in illusions. 45 Some blessèd power deliver us from hence!

Enter a Courtesan.

COURTESAN Well met, well met, Master Antipholus.

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I see, sir, you have found the goldsmith now. Is that the chain you promised me today? ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Satan, avoid! I charge thee, tempt me not. DROMIO OF SYRACUSE 50 Master, is this Mistress Satan? ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE It is the devil. DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Nay, she is worse; she is the devil’s dam, and here she comes in the habit of a light wench. And thereof comes that the wenches 55 say “God damn me”; that’s as much to say “God make me a light wench.” It is written they appear to men like angels of light. Light is an effect of fire, and fire will burn: ergo, light wenches will burn. Come not near her. COURTESAN 60 Your man and you are marvelous merry, sir. Will you go with me? We’ll mend our dinner here. DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Master, if ⌜you⌝ do, expect spoon meat, or bespeak a long spoon. ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Why, Dromio? DROMIO OF SYRACUSE 65Marry, he must have a long spoon that must eat with the devil. ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE, ⌜to the Courtesan⌝ Avoid then, fiend! What tell’st thou me of supping? Thou art, as you are all, a sorceress. I conjure thee to leave me and be gone. COURTESAN 70 Give me the ring of mine you had at dinner Or, for my diamond, the chain you promised, And I’ll be gone, sir, and not trouble you. DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Some devils ask but the parings of one’s nail, a rush, a hair, a drop of blood, a pin, a 75 nut, a cherrystone; but she, more covetous, would have a chain. Master, be wise. An if you give it her, the devil will shake her chain and fright us with it.

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COURTESAN I pray you, sir, my ring or else the chain. I hope you do not mean to cheat me so. ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE 80 Avaunt, thou witch!—Come, Dromio, let us go. DROMIO OF SYRACUSE “Fly pride,” says the peacock. Mistress, that you know. ⌜Antipholus and Dromio⌝ exit. COURTESAN Now, out of doubt Antipholus is mad; Else would he never so demean himself. 85 A ring he hath of mine worth forty ducats, And for the same he promised me a chain. Both one and other he denies me now. The reason that I gather he is mad, Besides this present instance of his rage, 90 Is a mad tale he told today at dinner Of his own doors being shut against his entrance. Belike his wife, acquainted with his fits, On purpose shut the doors against his way. My way is now to hie home to his house 95 And tell his wife that, being lunatic, He rushed into my house and took perforce My ring away. This course I fittest choose, For forty ducats is too much to lose. ⌜She exits.⌝

⌜Scene 4⌝

Enter Antipholus ⌜of⌝ Ephesus with a Jailer, ⌜the Officer.⌝

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Fear me not, man. I will not break away. I’ll give thee, ere I leave thee, so much money, To warrant thee, as I am ’rested for. My wife is in a wayward mood today

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5 And will not lightly trust the messenger That I should be attached in Ephesus. I tell you, ’twill sound harshly in her ears.

Enter Dromio ⌜of⌝ Ephesus with a rope’s end.

Here comes my man. I think he brings the money. 10 How now, sir? Have you that I sent you for? DROMIO OF EPHESUS, ⌜handing over the rope’s end⌝ Here’s that, I warrant you, will pay them all. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS But where’s the money? DROMIO OF EPHESUS Why, sir, I gave the money for the rope. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Five hundred ducats, villain, for a rope? DROMIO OF EPHESUS 15 I’ll serve you, sir, five hundred at the rate. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS To what end did I bid thee hie thee home? DROMIO OF EPHESUS To a rope’s end, sir, and to that end am I returned. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS, ⌜beating Dromio⌝ And to that end, sir, I will welcome you. OFFICER 20Good sir, be patient. DROMIO OF EPHESUS Nay, ’tis for me to be patient. I am in adversity. OFFICER Good now, hold thy tongue. DROMIO OF EPHESUS Nay, rather persuade him to hold 25 his hands. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Thou whoreson, senseless villain. DROMIO OF EPHESUS I would I were senseless, sir, that I might not feel your blows. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS 30Thou art sensible in nothing but blows, and so is an ass.

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DROMIO OF EPHESUS I am an ass, indeed; you may prove it by my long ears.—I have served him from the hour of my nativity to this instant, and have 35 nothing at his hands for my service but blows. When I am cold, he heats me with beating; when I am warm, he cools me with beating. I am waked with it when I sleep, raised with it when I sit, driven out of doors with it when I go from home, 40 welcomed home with it when I return. Nay, I bear it on my shoulders as a beggar wont her brat, and I think when he hath lamed me, I shall beg with it from door to door.

Enter Adriana, Luciana, Courtesan, and a Schoolmaster called Pinch.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Come, go along. My wife is coming yonder. DROMIO OF EPHESUS 45Mistress, respice finem, respect your end, or rather, the prophecy like the parrot, “Beware the rope’s end.” ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Wilt thou still talk? Beats Dromio. COURTESAN, ⌜to Adriana⌝ How say you now? Is not your husband mad? ADRIANA 50 His incivility confirms no less.— Good Doctor Pinch, you are a conjurer; Establish him in his true sense again, And I will please you what you will demand. LUCIANA Alas, how fiery and how sharp he looks! COURTESAN 55 Mark how he trembles in his ecstasy. PINCH, ⌜to Antipholus of Ephesus⌝ Give me your hand, and let me feel your pulse.

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ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS,��⌜striking Pinch⌝ There is my hand, and let it feel your ear. PINCH I charge thee, Satan, housed within this man, To yield possession to my holy prayers, 60 And to thy state of darkness hie thee straight. I conjure thee by all the saints in heaven. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Peace, doting wizard, peace. I am not mad. ADRIANA O, that thou wert not, poor distressèd soul! ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS You minion, you, are these your customers? 65 Did this companion with the saffron face Revel and feast it at my house today Whilst upon me the guilty doors were shut And I denied to enter in my house? ADRIANA O husband, God doth know you dined at home, 70 Where would you had remained until this time, Free from these slanders and this open shame. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS “Dined at home”? ⌜To Dromio.⌝ Thou villain, what sayest thou? DROMIO OF EPHESUS Sir, sooth to say, you did not dine at home. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS 75 Were not my doors locked up and I shut out? DROMIO OF EPHESUS Perdie, your doors were locked, and you shut out. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS And did not she herself revile me there? DROMIO OF EPHESUS Sans fable, she herself reviled you there. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Did not her kitchen maid rail, taunt, and scorn me?

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DROMIO OF EPHESUS 80 Certes, she did; the kitchen vestal scorned you. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS And did not I in rage depart from thence? DROMIO OF EPHESUS In verity you did.—My bones bears witness, That since have felt the vigor of his rage. ADRIANA, ⌜to Pinch⌝ Is ’t good to soothe him in these contraries? PINCH 85 It is no shame. The fellow finds his vein And, yielding to him, humors well his frenzy. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS, ⌜to Adriana⌝ Thou hast suborned the goldsmith to arrest me. ADRIANA Alas, I sent you money to redeem you By Dromio here, who came in haste for it. DROMIO OF EPHESUS 90 Money by me? Heart and goodwill you might, But surely, master, not a rag of money. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Went’st not thou to her for a purse of ducats? ADRIANA He came to me, and I delivered it. LUCIANA And I am witness with her that she did. DROMIO OF EPHESUS 95 God and the rope-maker bear me witness That I was sent for nothing but a rope. PINCH Mistress, both man and master is possessed. I know it by their pale and deadly looks. They must be bound and laid in some dark room. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS, ⌜to Adriana⌝ 100 Say wherefore didst thou lock me forth today.

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⌜To Dromio of Ephesus.⌝ And why dost thou deny the bag of gold? ADRIANA I did not, gentle husband, lock thee forth. DROMIO OF EPHESUS And, gentle master, I received no gold. 105 But I confess, sir, that we were locked out. ADRIANA Dissembling villain, thou speak’st false in both. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Dissembling harlot, thou art false in all, And art confederate with a damnèd pack To make a loathsome abject scorn of me. 110 But with these nails I’ll pluck out these false eyes That would behold in me this shameful sport. ADRIANA O bind him, bind him! Let him not come near me.

Enter three or four, and offer to bind him. He strives.

PINCH More company! The fiend is strong within him. LUCIANA Ay me, poor man, how pale and wan he looks! ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS 115 What, will you murder me?—Thou jailer, thou, I am thy prisoner. Wilt thou suffer them To make a rescue? OFFICER Masters, let him go. He is my prisoner, and you shall not have him. PINCH 120 Go, bind this man, for he is frantic too. ⌜Dromio is bound.⌝ ADRIANA, ⌜to Officer⌝ What wilt thou do, thou peevish officer? Hast thou delight to see a wretched man Do outrage and displeasure to himself?

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OFFICER He is my prisoner. If I let him go, 125 The debt he owes will be required of me. ADRIANA I will discharge thee ere I go from thee. Bear me forthwith unto his creditor, And knowing how the debt grows, I will pay it.— Good Master Doctor, see him safe conveyed 130 Home to my house. O most unhappy day! ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS O most unhappy strumpet! DROMIO OF EPHESUS Master, I am here entered in bond for you. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Out on thee, villain! Wherefore dost thou mad me? DROMIO OF EPHESUS Will you be bound for nothing? Be mad, good 135 master. Cry “The devil!” LUCIANA God help poor souls! How idly do they talk! ADRIANA, ⌜to Pinch⌝ Go bear him hence. ⌜Pinch and his men⌝ exit ⌜with Antipholus and Dromio of Ephesus.⌝ Officer, Adriana, Luciana, Courtesan remain. Sister, go you with me. 140 ⌜To Officer.⌝ Say now whose suit is he arrested at. OFFICER One Angelo, a goldsmith. Do you know him? ADRIANA I know the man. What is the sum he owes? OFFICER Two hundred ducats. ADRIANA Say, how grows it due? OFFICER 145 Due for a chain your husband had of him.

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ADRIANA He did bespeak a chain for me but had it not. COURTESAN Whenas your husband all in rage today Came to my house and took away my ring, The ring I saw upon his finger now, 150 Straight after did I meet him with a chain. ADRIANA It may be so, but I did never see it.— Come, jailer, bring me where the goldsmith is. I long to know the truth hereof at large.

Enter Antipholus ⌜of⌝ Syracuse with his rapier drawn, and Dromio ⌜of⌝ Syracuse.

LUCIANA God for Thy mercy, they are loose again! ADRIANA 155 And come with naked swords. Let’s call more help To have them bound again. OFFICER Away! They’ll kill us. Run all out as fast as may be, frighted. ⌜Antipholus and Dromio of Syracuse remain.⌝ ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE I see these witches are afraid of swords. DROMIO OF SYRACUSE She that would be your wife now ran from you. ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE 160 Come to the Centaur. Fetch our stuff from thence. I long that we were safe and sound aboard. DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Faith, stay here this night. They will surely do us no harm. You saw they speak us fair, give us gold. Methinks they are such a gentle 165 nation that, but for the mountain of mad flesh that claims marriage of me, I could find in my heart to stay here still, and turn witch.

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ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE I will not stay tonight for all the town. Therefore, away, to get our stuff aboard. They exit.

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ACT 5

Scene 1

Enter the ⌜Second⌝ Merchant and ⌜Angelo⌝ the Goldsmith.

ANGELO I am sorry, sir, that I have hindered you, But I protest he had the chain of me, Though most dishonestly he doth deny it. ⌜SECOND⌝ MERCHANT How is the man esteemed here in the city? ANGELO 5 Of very reverend reputation, sir, Of credit infinite, highly beloved, Second to none that lives here in the city. His word might bear my wealth at any time. ⌜SECOND⌝ MERCHANT Speak softly. Yonder, as I think, he walks.

Enter Antipholus and Dromio ⌜of Syracuse⌝ again, ⌜Antipholus wearing the chain.⌝

ANGELO 10 ’Tis so, and that self chain about his neck Which he forswore most monstrously to have. Good sir, draw near to me. I’ll speak to him.— Signior Antipholus, I wonder much That you would put me to this shame and trouble, 15 And not without some scandal to yourself,

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With circumstance and oaths so to deny This chain, which now you wear so openly. Besides the charge, the shame, imprisonment, You have done wrong to this my honest friend, 20 Who, but for staying on our controversy, Had hoisted sail and put to sea today. This chain you had of me. Can you deny it? ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ I think I had. I never did deny it. ⌜SECOND⌝ MERCHANT Yes, that you did, sir, and forswore it too. ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ 25 Who heard me to deny it or forswear it? ⌜SECOND⌝ MERCHANT These ears of mine, thou know’st, did hear thee. Fie on thee, wretch. ’Tis pity that thou liv’st To walk where any honest men resort. ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ Thou art a villain to impeach me thus. 30 I’ll prove mine honor and mine honesty Against thee presently if thou dar’st stand. ⌜SECOND⌝ MERCHANT I dare, and do defy thee for a villain.They draw.

Enter Adriana, Luciana, Courtesan, and others.

ADRIANA Hold, hurt him not, for God’s sake. He is mad.— Some get within him; take his sword away. 35 Bind Dromio too, and bear them to my house! DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Run, master, run. For God’s sake, take a house. This is some priory. In, or we are spoiled. ⌜Antipholus and Dromio of Syracuse⌝ exit to the Priory.

Enter Lady Abbess.

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ABBESS Be quiet, people. Wherefore throng you hither? ADRIANA To fetch my poor distracted husband hence. 40 Let us come in, that we may bind him fast And bear him home for his recovery. ANGELO I knew he was not in his perfect wits. ⌜SECOND⌝ MERCHANT I am sorry now that I did draw on him. ABBESS How long hath this possession held the man? ADRIANA 45 This week he hath been heavy, sour, sad, And much different from the man he was. But till this afternoon his passion Ne’er brake into extremity of rage. ABBESS Hath he not lost much wealth by wrack of sea? 50 Buried some dear friend? Hath not else his eye Strayed his affection in unlawful love, A sin prevailing much in youthful men Who give their eyes the liberty of gazing? Which of these sorrows is he subject to? ADRIANA 55 To none of these, except it be the last, Namely, some love that drew him oft from home. ABBESS You should for that have reprehended him. ADRIANA Why, so I did. ABBESS Ay, but not rough enough. ADRIANA 60 As roughly as my modesty would let me. ABBESS Haply in private.

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ADRIANA And in assemblies too. ABBESS Ay, but not enough. ADRIANA It was the copy of our conference. 65 In bed he slept not for my urging it; At board he fed not for my urging it. Alone, it was the subject of my theme; In company I often glancèd it. Still did I tell him it was vile and bad. ABBESS 70 And thereof came it that the man was mad. The venom clamors of a jealous woman Poisons more deadly than a mad dog’s tooth. It seems his sleeps were hindered by thy railing, And thereof comes it that his head is light. 75 Thou sayst his meat was sauced with thy upbraidings. Unquiet meals make ill digestions. Thereof the raging fire of fever bred, And what’s a fever but a fit of madness? 80 Thou sayest his sports were hindered by thy brawls. Sweet recreation barred, what doth ensue But moody and dull melancholy, Kinsman to grim and comfortless despair, And at her heels a huge infectious troop 85 Of pale distemperatures and foes to life? In food, in sport, and life-preserving rest To be disturbed would mad or man or beast. The consequence is, then, thy jealous fits Hath scared thy husband from the use of wits. LUCIANA 90 She never reprehended him but mildly When he demeaned himself rough, rude, and wildly.— Why bear you these rebukes and answer not?

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ADRIANA She did betray me to my own reproof.— 95 Good people, enter and lay hold on him. ABBESS No, not a creature enters in my house. ADRIANA Then let your servants bring my husband forth. ABBESS Neither. He took this place for sanctuary, And it shall privilege him from your hands 100 Till I have brought him to his wits again Or lose my labor in assaying it. ADRIANA I will attend my husband, be his nurse, Diet his sickness, for it is my office And will have no attorney but myself; 105 And therefore let me have him home with me. ABBESS Be patient, for I will not let him stir Till I have used the approvèd means I have, With wholesome syrups, drugs, and holy prayers, To make of him a formal man again. 110 It is a branch and parcel of mine oath, A charitable duty of my order. Therefore depart and leave him here with me. ADRIANA I will not hence and leave my husband here; And ill it doth beseem your holiness 115 To separate the husband and the wife. ABBESS Be quiet and depart. Thou shalt not have him. ⌜She exits.⌝ LUCIANA, ⌜to Adriana⌝ Complain unto the Duke of this indignity. ADRIANA Come, go. I will fall prostrate at his feet And never rise until my tears and prayers

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120 Have won his grace to come in person hither And take perforce my husband from the Abbess. ⌜SECOND⌝ MERCHANT By this, I think, the dial points at five. Anon, I’m sure, the Duke himself in person Comes this way to the melancholy vale, 125 The place of ⌜death⌝ and sorry execution Behind the ditches of the abbey here. ANGELO Upon what cause? ⌜SECOND⌝ MERCHANT To see a reverend Syracusian merchant, Who put unluckily into this bay 130 Against the laws and statutes of this town, Beheaded publicly for his offense. ANGELO See where they come. We will behold his death. LUCIANA, ⌜to Adriana⌝ Kneel to the Duke before he pass the abbey.

Enter the Duke of Ephesus, and ⌜Egeon⌝ the Merchant of Syracuse, bare head, with the Headsman and other Officers.

DUKE Yet once again proclaim it publicly, 135 If any friend will pay the sum for him, He shall not die; so much we tender him. ADRIANA, ⌜kneeling⌝ Justice, most sacred duke, against the Abbess. DUKE She is a virtuous and a reverend lady. It cannot be that she hath done thee wrong. ADRIANA 140 May it please your Grace, Antipholus my husband, Who I made lord of me and all I had At your important letters, this ill day A most outrageous fit of madness took him,

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That desp’rately he hurried through the street, 145 With him his bondman, all as mad as he, Doing displeasure to the citizens By rushing in their houses, bearing thence Rings, jewels, anything his rage did like. Once did I get him bound and sent him home 150 Whilst to take order for the wrongs I went That here and there his fury had committed. Anon, I wot not by what strong escape, He broke from those that had the guard of him, And with his mad attendant and himself, 155 Each one with ireful passion, with drawn swords, Met us again and, madly bent on us, Chased us away, till raising of more aid, We came again to bind them. Then they fled Into this abbey, whither we pursued them, 160 And here the Abbess shuts the gates on us And will not suffer us to fetch him out, Nor send him forth that we may bear him hence. Therefore, most gracious duke, with thy command Let him be brought forth and borne hence for help. DUKE 165 Long since, thy husband served me in my wars, And I to thee engaged a prince’s word, When thou didst make him master of thy bed, To do him all the grace and good I could. Go, some of you, knock at the abbey gate, 170 And bid the Lady Abbess come to me. I will determine this before I stir.⌜Adriana rises.⌝

Enter a Messenger.

⌜MESSENGER⌝ O mistress, mistress, shift and save yourself. My master and his man are both broke loose, Beaten the maids a-row, and bound the doctor,

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175 Whose beard they have singed off with brands of fire, And ever as it blazed they threw on him Great pails of puddled mire to quench the hair. My master preaches patience to him, and the while 180 His man with scissors nicks him like a fool; And sure, unless you send some present help, Between them they will kill the conjurer. ADRIANA Peace, fool. Thy master and his man are here, And that is false thou dost report to us. MESSENGER 185 Mistress, upon my life I tell you true. I have not breathed almost since I did see it. He cries for you and vows, if he can take you, To scorch your face and to disfigure you.Cry within. Hark, hark, I hear him, mistress. Fly, begone! DUKE 190 Come, stand by me. Fear nothing.—Guard with halberds.

Enter Antipholus and Dromio of Ephesus.

ADRIANA Ay me, it is my husband. Witness you That he is borne about invisible. Even now we housed him in the abbey here, 195 And now he’s there, past thought of human reason. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Justice, most gracious duke. O, grant me justice, Even for the service that long since I did thee When I bestrid thee in the wars and took Deep scars to save thy life. Even for the blood 200 That then I lost for thee, now grant me justice. EGEON, ⌜aside⌝ Unless the fear of death doth make me dote, I see my son Antipholus and Dromio.

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ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Justice, sweet prince, against that woman there, She whom thou gav’st to me to be my wife, 205 That hath abusèd and dishonored me Even in the strength and height of injury. Beyond imagination is the wrong That she this day hath shameless thrown on me. DUKE Discover how, and thou shalt find me just. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS 210 This day, great duke, she shut the doors upon me While she with harlots feasted in my house. DUKE A grievous fault.—Say, woman, didst thou so? ADRIANA No, my good lord. Myself, he, and my sister Today did dine together. So befall my soul 215 As this is false he burdens me withal. LUCIANA Ne’er may I look on day nor sleep on night But she tells to your Highness simple truth. ANGELO O perjured woman!—They are both forsworn. In this the madman justly chargeth them. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS 220 My liege, I am advisèd what I say, Neither disturbed with the effect of wine, Nor heady-rash provoked with raging ire, Albeit my wrongs might make one wiser mad. This woman locked me out this day from dinner. 225 That goldsmith there, were he not packed with her, Could witness it, for he was with me then, Who parted with me to go fetch a chain, Promising to bring it to the Porpentine, Where Balthasar and I did dine together. 230 Our dinner done and he not coming thither,

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I went to seek him. In the street I met him, And in his company that gentleman. ⌜He points to Second Merchant.⌝ There did this perjured goldsmith swear me down That I this day of him received the chain, 235 Which, God He knows, I saw not; for the which He did arrest me with an officer. I did obey and sent my peasant home For certain ducats. He with none returned. Then fairly I bespoke the officer 240 To go in person with me to my house. By th’ way we met My wife, her sister, and a rabble more Of vile confederates. Along with them They brought one Pinch, a hungry, lean-faced 245 villain, A mere anatomy, a mountebank, A threadbare juggler, and a fortune-teller, A needy, hollow-eyed, sharp-looking wretch, A living dead man. This pernicious slave, 250 Forsooth, took on him as a conjurer, And, gazing in mine eyes, feeling my pulse, And with no face (as ’twere) outfacing me, Cries out I was possessed. Then all together They fell upon me, bound me, bore me thence, 255 And in a dark and dankish vault at home There left me and my man, both bound together, Till gnawing with my teeth my bonds in sunder, I gained my freedom and immediately Ran hither to your Grace, whom I beseech 260 To give me ample satisfaction For these deep shames and great indignities. ANGELO My lord, in truth, thus far I witness with him: That he dined not at home, but was locked out.

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DUKE But had he such a chain of thee or no? ANGELO 265 He had, my lord, and when he ran in here, These people saw the chain about his neck. ⌜SECOND⌝ MERCHANT, ⌜to Antipholus of Ephesus⌝ Besides, I will be sworn these ears of mine Heard you confess you had the chain of him After you first forswore it on the mart, 270 And thereupon I drew my sword on you, And then you fled into this abbey here, From whence I think you are come by miracle. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS I never came within these abbey walls, Nor ever didst thou draw thy sword on me. 275 I never saw the chain, so help me heaven, And this is false you burden me withal. DUKE Why, what an intricate impeach is this! I think you all have drunk of Circe’s cup. If here you housed him, here he would have been. 280 If he were mad, he would not plead so coldly. ⌜To Adriana.⌝ You say he dined at home; the goldsmith here Denies that saying. ⌜To Dromio of Ephesus.⌝ Sirrah, what say you? DROMIO OF EPHESUS, ⌜pointing to the Courtesan⌝ 285 Sir, he dined with her there at the Porpentine. COURTESAN He did, and from my finger snatched that ring. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS, ⌜showing a ring⌝ ’Tis true, my liege, this ring I had of her. DUKE, ⌜to Courtesan⌝ Saw’st thou him enter at the abbey here? COURTESAN As sure, my liege, as I do see your Grace.

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DUKE 290 Why, this is strange.—Go call the Abbess hither. Exit one to the Abbess. I think you are all mated or stark mad. EGEON Most mighty duke, vouchsafe me speak a word. Haply I see a friend will save my life And pay the sum that may deliver me. DUKE 295 Speak freely, Syracusian, what thou wilt. EGEON, ⌜to Antipholus of Ephesus⌝ Is not your name, sir, called Antipholus? And is not that your bondman Dromio? DROMIO OF EPHESUS Within this hour I was his bondman, sir, But he, I thank him, gnawed in two my cords. 300 Now am I Dromio, and his man, unbound. EGEON I am sure you both of you remember me. DROMIO OF EPHESUS Ourselves we do remember, sir, by you, For lately we were bound as you are now. You are not Pinch’s patient, are you, sir? EGEON, ⌜to Antipholus of Ephesus⌝ 305 Why look you strange on me? You know me well. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS I never saw you in my life till now. EGEON O, grief hath changed me since you saw me last, And careful hours with time’s deformèd hand Have written strange defeatures in my face. 310 But tell me yet, dost thou not know my voice? ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Neither. EGEON Dromio, nor thou? DROMIO OF EPHESUS No, trust me, sir, nor I.

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EGEON I am sure thou dost. DROMIO OF EPHESUS 315Ay, sir, but I am sure I do not, and whatsoever a man denies, you are now bound to believe him. EGEON Not know my voice! O time’s extremity, Hast thou so cracked and splitted my poor tongue 320 In seven short years that here my only son Knows not my feeble key of untuned cares? Though now this grainèd face of mine be hid In sap-consuming winter’s drizzled snow, And all the conduits of my blood froze up, 325 Yet hath my night of life some memory, My wasting lamps some fading glimmer left, My dull deaf ears a little use to hear. All these old witnesses—I cannot err— Tell me thou art my son Antipholus. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS 330 I never saw my father in my life. EGEON But seven years since, in Syracusa, boy, Thou know’st we parted. But perhaps, my son, Thou sham’st to acknowledge me in misery. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS The Duke and all that know me in the city 335 Can witness with me that it is not so. I ne’er saw Syracusa in my life. DUKE I tell thee, Syracusian, twenty years Have I been patron to Antipholus, During which time he ne’er saw Syracusa. 340 I see thy age and dangers make thee dote.

Enter ⌜Emilia⌝ the Abbess, with Antipholus ⌜of⌝ Syracuse and Dromio ⌜of⌝ Syracuse.

p. 155

ABBESS Most mighty duke, behold a man much wronged. All gather to see them. ADRIANA I see two husbands, or mine eyes deceive me. DUKE One of these men is genius to the other. And so, of these, which is the natural man 345 And which the spirit? Who deciphers them? DROMIO OF SYRACUSE I, sir, am Dromio. Command him away. DROMIO OF EPHESUS I, sir, am Dromio. Pray, let me stay. ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Egeon art thou not, or else his ghost? DROMIO OF SYRACUSE O, my old master.—Who hath bound him here? ABBESS 350 Whoever bound him, I will loose his bonds And gain a husband by his liberty.— Speak, old Egeon, if thou be’st the man That hadst a wife once called Emilia, That bore thee at a burden two fair sons. 355 O, if thou be’st the same Egeon, speak, And speak unto the same Emilia. DUKE Why, here begins his morning story right: These two Antipholus’, these two so like, And these two Dromios, one in semblance— 360 Besides her urging of her wrack at sea— These are the parents to these children, Which accidentally are met together. EGEON If I dream not, thou art Emilia. If thou art she, tell me, where is that son 365 That floated with thee on the fatal raft?

p. 157

ABBESS By men of Epidamium he and I And the twin Dromio all were taken up; But by and by rude fishermen of Corinth By force took Dromio and my son from them, 370 And me they left with those of Epidamium. What then became of them I cannot tell; I to this fortune that you see me in. DUKE, ⌜to Antipholus of Syracuse⌝ Antipholus, thou cam’st from Corinth first. ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE No, sir, not I. I came from Syracuse. DUKE 375 Stay, stand apart. I know not which is which. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS I came from Corinth, my most gracious lord. DROMIO OF EPHESUS And I with him. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Brought to this town by that most famous warrior Duke Menaphon, your most renownèd uncle. ADRIANA 380 Which of you two did dine with me today? ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE I, gentle mistress. ADRIANA And are not you my husband? ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS No, I say nay to that. ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE And so do I, yet did she call me so, 385 And this fair gentlewoman, her sister here, Did call me brother. ⌜To Luciana.⌝ What I told you then I hope I shall have leisure to make good, If this be not a dream I see and hear. ANGELO, ⌜turning to Antipholus of Syracuse⌝ 390 That is the chain, sir, which you had of me.

p. 159

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE I think it be, sir. I deny it not. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS, ⌜to Angelo⌝ And you, sir, for this chain arrested me. ANGELO I think I did, sir. I deny it not. ADRIANA, ⌜to Antipholus of Ephesus⌝ I sent you money, sir, to be your bail 395 By Dromio, but I think he brought it not. DROMIO OF EPHESUS No, none by me. ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE, ⌜to Adriana⌝ This purse of ducats I received from you, And Dromio my man did bring them me. I see we still did meet each other’s man, 400 And I was ta’en for him, and he for me, And thereupon these errors are arose. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS, ⌜to the Duke⌝ These ducats pawn I for my father here. DUKE It shall not need. Thy father hath his life. COURTESAN, ⌜to Antipholus of Ephesus⌝ Sir, I must have that diamond from you. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS 405 There, take it, and much thanks for my good cheer. ABBESS Renownèd duke, vouchsafe to take the pains To go with us into the abbey here And hear at large discoursèd all our fortunes, And all that are assembled in this place 410 That by this sympathizèd one day’s error Have suffered wrong. Go, keep us company, And we shall make full satisfaction.— Thirty-three years have I but gone in travail Of you, my sons, and till this present hour 415 My heavy burden ⌜ne’er⌝ deliverèd.— The Duke, my husband, and my children both,

p. 161

And you, the calendars of their nativity, Go to a gossips’ feast, and go with me. After so long grief, such nativity! DUKE 420 With all my heart I’ll gossip at this feast. All exit except the two Dromios and ⌜the⌝ two brothers ⌜Antipholus.⌝ DROMIO OF SYRACUSE, ⌜to Antipholus of Ephesus⌝ Master, shall I fetch your stuff from shipboard? ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Dromio, what stuff of mine hast thou embarked? DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Your goods that lay at host, sir, in the Centaur. ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE, ⌜to Antipholus of Ephesus⌝ He speaks to me.—I am your master, Dromio. 425 Come, go with us. We’ll look to that anon. Embrace thy brother there. Rejoice with him. ⌜The brothers Antipholus⌝ exit. DROMIO OF SYRACUSE There is a fat friend at your master’s house That kitchened me for you today at dinner. She now shall be my sister, not my wife. DROMIO OF EPHESUS 430 Methinks you are my glass, and not my brother. I see by you I am a sweet-faced youth. Will you walk in to see their gossiping? DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Not I, sir. You are my elder. DROMIO OF EPHESUS That’s a question. How shall we 435 try it? DROMIO OF SYRACUSE We’ll draw cuts for the signior. Till then, lead thou first. DROMIO OF EPHESUS Nay, then, thus: We came into the world like brother and brother, 440 And now let’s go hand in hand, not one before another. They exit.

#shakespeare #the comedy of errors #william shakespeare #english literature #its free and the government can’t stop you #english

19 notes · View notes

the-sound-ofrain · 2 years

Text

So, she gave me a task to write 3 reasons i love her and i'm at my .......

1. the way you introduced me to the word 'love'

2. the way your name decorates mine

3. the way you stare at my stupid face & still don't run away

4. the way you made me feel beautiful

5. the way you laugh at my silly jokes

6. the way you frown at my cheesy lines

7. the way you ignore my harshness with sweet kisses

8. the way you twitch your eyebrows every time you do a silly mistake

9. the way you listen to my 'once upon a time stories'

10. the way you imitate my expressions & languages to make me laugh during an argument

11. the way you behave maturely during your periods

12. the way you say 'umm'

13. the way your eyes shine while talking about your passion

14. the way you innovate unadorned stuffs

15. the way you lie

16. the way you sleep like a panda

17. the way you ask before you kiss me

18. the way you respect my work

19. the way you fold you buns to look pretty

20. the way you direct your scatty drama

21. the way you hold on to your family

22. the you back me up every time i'm feel like quitting on myself

23. the way you play with your hairs & imagine playing 'aakhon me teri ajab si ajab si adaayein hai' in the background

24. the way you fold your bottom lips to act like a puppy

25. the way you forgive me after my reckless behavior

26. the way you solicit my everyday screenplay

27. the way you flourish smile while deep down you're a rotten soul

28. the way you call me 'babe' and win me

29. the way you use the catchphrase every fucking time to irritate me

30. the way you unleash the baby in your every time i feed you, your favorite snacks

31. the way you define loyalty

32. the way you play with dogs

33. the way you act like you don't care but then stalk the girl who admired me in the comment box

34. the way you act dumb because you love being taught by me

35. the way you pretend to like my tedious stories

36. the way you show me inches of your skin to tease me

37. the way you be that kind while paint yourself like a shell

38. the way you kiss me goodbye

39. the way you walk like a penguin

40. the way you talk mature but still keep pulling your t-shirts like a 5yr old

41. the way you enact your scolding method of mumma

42. the way you try do accent but miserably fail

43. the way you abuse me

44. the way you arrange your study desks

45. the way you become my fashion tutor

46. the way you scold me every time my collar goes up

47. the way you guide me ' How to fall in love with myself ?' methods

48. the way you challenge me & then act like a baby to when you're about to lose

49. the way you backbite your gang's private stories

50. the way you allow me to be a baby around you

51. the way you understand my silence

52. the way you work selflessly for my projects

53. the way you ask for my opinions

54. the way you believe and respect my decisions

55. the way you keep taking screenshots of my stupid face

56. the way you carry yourself

57. the way you stay confused like a squirrel choosing which nut to go for

58. the way you keep struggling with that one hair coming on your face but you still wanna look cool so keep struggling with it

59. the way you slay in traditionals

60. the way you keep moulding tiny things into artwork

61. the way you keep polishing the gentleman in me

62. the way you do my imitation how I talk or sing or laugh

63.the way your waist fold when you twist a bit

64. the way you love people for people

65. the way you make me feel proud with being proud of what you're

66. the way you give me my space to get comfortable

67. the way you we vibe on teeny-tiny stuff

68. the way you teach me about my loose ends

69. the way you understand 6 can be 9 too.

70. the way you become kid around kids

71. the way you opted western culture but still respect our own

72. the way you don't let the world define how long can you run

73. the way you moan my name like a hymn

74. the way you curse every time we talk like you're talking to mirror

75. the way you tame the animal in me

76. the way you add lust into love & still make it tasty

77. the way you stoutly apprise of my wrong doings

78. the way you've filtered my dirty thoughts

79. the way you've accepted my family and situation doesn't really force me to do something which all cause chaos

80. the way you've been patiently waiting for me ever after the days are becoming much harder

81. the way you uphold the pride of your culture

82. the way you spend time to make handmade gifts for me

83. the way you always try to relate my name to anything whatever design you initiate

84. the way you survive in a cage and still manage to fly with your imagination

85. the way you respect our boundaries and held down to it

86. the way you usher me chivalry

87. the way you resonate the image of my mother

89. the way you don't think twice when I'm hungry and try to feed me with your last penny

90. the way you direct my lust

91. the way you coyly stay kittenish & act like you own my body

92. the way you seduce me & leave me in your sorcery

93. the way you keep staring at me when i'm busy with chores

94. the way you keep in your mind what not to do that can hurt my emotions

95. the way you so no when you don't want it

96. the way you look adopted me back

97. the way you play with animals specially dogs

98. the way you enveloped your kind heart around a dark soul

99. the way you paint a picture of our future

100. the way you made me fall in love with myself

45 notes · View notes

sidicecheilibri · 1 year

Text

I libri nominati da Rory Gilmore

1 – 1984, George Orwell

2 – Le Avventure di Huckelberry Finn, Mark Twain

3 – Alice nel Paese delle Meraviglie, Lewis Carrol

4 – Le Fantastiche Avventure di Kavalier e Clay, Michael Chabon

5 – Una Tragedia Americana, Theodore Dreiser

6 – Le Ceneri di Angela, Frank McCourt

7 – Anna Karenina, Lev Tolstoj

8 – Il Diario di Anna Frank

9 – La Guerra Archidamica, Donald Kagan

10 – L’Arte del Romanzo, Henry James

11 – L’Arte della Guerra, Sun Tzu

12 – Mentre Morivo, William Faulkner

13 – Espiazione, Ian McEvan

14 – Autobiografia di un Volto, Lucy Grealy

15 – Il Risveglio, Kate Chopin

16 – Babe, Dick King-Smith

17 – Contrattacco. La Guerra non Dichiarata Contro le Donne, Susan Faludi

18 – Balzac e la Piccola Sarta Cinese, Dai Sijie

19 – Bel Canto, Anne Pachett

20 – La Campana di Vetro, Sylvia Plath

21 – Amatissima, Toni Morrison

22 – Beowulf: una Nuova Traduzione, Seamus Heaney

23 – La Bhagavad Gita

24 – Il Piccolo Villaggio dei Sopravvissuti, Peter Duffy

25 – Bitch Rules. Consigli di Comune Buonsenso per donne Fuori dal Comune, Elizabeth Wurtzel

26 – Un Fulmine a Ciel Sereno ed altri Saggi, Mary McCarthy

27 – Il Mondo Nuovo, Adolf Huxley

28 – Brick Lane, Monica Ali

29 – Brigadoon, Alan Jay Lerner

30 – Candido, Voltaire

31 – I Racconti di Canterbury, Geoffrey Chaucer

32 – Carrie, Stephen King

33 – Catch-22, Joseph Heller

34 – Il Giovane Holden, J.D.Salinger

35 – La Tela di Carlotta, E.B.White

36 – Quelle Due, Lillian Hellman

37 – Christine, Stephen King

38 – Il Canto di Natale, Charles Dickens

39 – Arancia Meccanica, Anthony Burgess

40 – Il Codice dei Wooster, P.G.Wodehouse

41 – The Collected Stories, Eudora Welty

42 – La Commedia degli Errori, William Shakespeare

43 – Novelle, Dawn Powell

44 – Tutte le Poesie, Anne Sexton

45 – Racconti, Dorothy Parker

46 – Una Banda di Idioti, John Kennedy Toole

47 – Il03 al 09/03 Conte di Montecristo, Alexandre Dumas

48 – La Cugina Bette, Honore de Balzac

49 – Delitto e Castigo, Fedor Dostoevskij

50 – Il Petalo Cremisi e il Bianco, Michel Faber

51 – Il Crogiuolo, Arthur Miller

52 – Cujo, Stephen King

53 – Il Curioso Caso del Cane Ucciso a Mezzanotte, Mark Haddon

54 – La Figlia della Fortuna, Isabel Allende

55 – David e Lisa, Dr.Theodore Issac Rubin M.D

56 – David Copperfield, Charles Dickens

57 – Il Codice Da Vinci, Dan Brown

58 – Le Anime Morte, Nikolaj Gogol

59 – I Demoni, Fedor Dostoevskij

60 – Morte di un Commesso Viaggiatore, Arthur Miller

61 – Deenie, Judy Blume

62 – La Città Bianca e il Diavolo, Erik Larson

63 – The Dirt. Confessioni della Band più Oltraggiosa del Rock, Tommy Lee – Vince Neil – Mick Mars – Nikki Sixx

64 – La Divina Commedia, Dante Alighieri

65 – I Sublimi Segreti delle Ya-Ya Sisters, Rebecca Wells

66 – Don Chischiotte, Miguel de Cervantes

67 – A Spasso con Daisy, Alfred Uhvr

68 – Dr. Jeckill e Mr.Hide, Robert Louis Stevenson

69 – Tutti i Racconti e le Poesie, Edgar Allan Poe

70 – Eleanor Roosevelt, Blanche Wiesen Cook

71 – Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test, Tom Wolfe

72 – Lettere, Mark Dunn

73 – Eloise, Kay Thompson

74 – Emily The Strange, Roger Reger

75 – Emma, Jane Austen

76 – Il Declino dell’Impero Whiting, Richard Russo

77 – Encyclopedia Brown: Boy Detective, Donald J.Sobol

78 – Ethan Frome, Edith Wharton

79 – Etica, Spinoza

80 – Europe Through the back door, 2003, Rick Steves

81 – Eva Luna, Isabel Allende

82 – Ogni cosa è Illuminata, Jonathan Safran Foer

83 – Stravaganza, Gary Krist

84 – Farhenheit 451, Ray Bradbury

85 – Farhenheit 9/11, Michael Moore

86 – La Caduta dell’Impero di Atene, Donald Kagan

87 – Fat Land, il Paese dei Ciccioni, Greg Critser

88 – Paura e Delirio a Las Vegas, Hunter S.Thompson

89 – La Compagnia dell’Anello, J.R.R.Tolkien

90 – Il Violinista sul Tetto, Joseph Stein

91 – Le Cinque Persone che Incontri in Cielo, Mitch Albom

92 – Finnegan’s Wake, James Joyce

93 – Fletch, Gregory McDonald

94 – Fiori per Algernon, Daniel Keyes

95 – La Fortezza della Solitudine, Jonathan Lethem

96 – La Fonte Meravigliosa, Ayn Rand

97 – Frankenstein, Mary Shelley

98 – Franny e Zooeey, J.D.Salinger

99 – Quel Pazzo Venerdì, Mary Rodgers

100 – Galapagos, Kurt Vonnegut

101 – Questioni di Genere, Judith Butler

102 – George W.Bushism: The Slate Book of Accidental Wit and Wisdom of our 43rd President, Jacob Weisberg

103 – Gidget, Fredrick Kohner

104 – Ragazze Interrotte, Susanna Kaysen

105 – The Gnostic Gospels, Elaine Pagels

106 – Il Padrino, Parte I, Mario Puzo

107 – Il Dio delle Piccole Cose, Arundhati Roy

108 – La Storia dei Tre Orsi, Alvin Granowsky

109 – Via Col Vento, Margaret Mitchell

110 – Il Buon Soldato, Ford Maddox Ford

111 – Il Gospel secondo Judy Bloom

112 – Il Laureato, Charles Webb

113 – Furore, John Steinbeck

114 – Il Grande Gatsby, F.Scott Fitzgerald

115 – Grandi Speranze, Charles Dickens

116 – Il Gruppo, Mary McCarthy

117 – Amleto, William Shakespeare

118 – Harry Potter e il Calice di Fuoco, J.K.Rowling

119 – Harry Potter e la Pietra Filosofale, J.K.Rowling

120 – L’Opera Struggente di un Formidabile Genio, Dave Eggers

121 – Cuore di Tenebra, Joseph Conrad

122 – Helter Skelter: La vera storia del Caso Charles Manson, Vincent Bugliosi e Curt Gentry

123 – Enrico IV, Parte Prima, William Shakespeare

124 – Enrico IV, Parte Seconda, William Shakespeare

125 – Enrico V, William Shakespeare

126 – Alta Fedeltà, Nick Hornby

127 – La Storia del Declino e della Caduta dell’Impero Romano, Edward Gibbon

128 – Holidays on Ice: Storie, David Sedaris

129 – The Holy Barbarians, Lawrence Lipton

130 – La Casa di Sabbia e Nebbia, Andre Dubus III

131 – La Casa degli Spiriti, Isabel Allende

132 – Come Respirare Sott’acqua, Julie Orringer

133 – Come il Grinch Rubò il Natale, Dr.Seuss

134 – How the Light Gets In, M.J.Hyland

135 – Urlo, Allen Ginsberg

136 – Il Gobbo di Notre Dame, Victor Hugo

137 – Iliade, Omero

138 – Sono con la Band, Pamela des Barres

139 – A Sangue Freddo, Truman Capote

140 – Inferno, Dante

141 – …e l’Uomo Creò Satana, Jerome Lawrence e Robert E.Lee

142 – Ironweed, William J.Kennedy

143 – It takes a Village, Hilary Clinton

144 – Jane Eyre, Charlotte Bronte

145 – Il Circolo della Fortuna e della Felicità, Amy tan

146 – Giulio Cesare, William Shakespeare

147 – Il Celebre Ranocchio Saltatore della Contea di Calaveras, Mark Twain

148 – La Giungla, Upton Sinclair

149 – Just a Couple of Days, Tony Vigorito

150 – The Kitchen Boy, Robert Alexander

151 – Kitchen Confidential: Avventure Gastronomiche a New York, Anthony Bourdain

152 – Il Cacciatore di Aquiloni, Khaled Hosseini

153 – L’amante di Lady Chatterley, D.H.Lawrence

154 – L’Ultimo Impero: Saggi 1992-2000, Gore Vidal

155 – Foglie d’Erba, Walt Whitman

156 – La Leggenda di Bagger Vance, Steven Pressfield

157 – Meno di Zero, Bret Easton Ellis

158 – Lettere a un Giovane Poeta, Rainer Maria Rilke

159 – Balle! E tutti i Ballisti che Ce Le Stanno Raccontando, Al Franken

160 – Vita di Pi, Yann Martell

161 – La piccola Dorrit, Charles Dickens

162 – The little Locksmith, Katharine Butler Hathaway

163 – La piccola fiammiferaia, Hans Christian Andersen

164 – Piccole Donne, Louisa May Alcott

165 – Living History, Hilary Clinton

166 – Il signore delle Mosche, William Golding

167 – La Lotteria, ed altre storie, Shirley Jackson

168 – Amabili Resti, Alice Sebold

169 – Love Story, Eric Segal

170 – Macbeth, William Shakespeare

171 – Madame Bovary, Gustave Flaubert

172 – The Manticore, Robertson Davies

173 – Marathon Man, William Goldman

174 – Il Maestro e Margherita, Michail Bulgakov

175 – Memorie di una figlia per bene, Simone de Beauvoir

176 – Memorie del Generale W.T. Sherman, William Tecumseh Sherman

177 – L’uomo più divertente del mondo, David Sedaris

178 – The meaning of Consuelo, Judith Ortiz Cofer

179 – Mencken’s Chrestomathy, H.R. Mencken

180 – Le Allegre Comari di Windsor, William Shakespeare

181 – La Metamorfosi, Franz Kafka

182 – Middlesex, Jeoffrey Eugenides

183 – Anna dei Miracoli, William Gibson

184 – Moby Dick, Hermann Melville

185 – The Mojo Collection: The Ultimate Music Companion, Jim Irvin

186 – Moliere: la biografia, Hobart Chatfield Taylor

187 – A monetary history of the United States, Milton Friedman

188 – Monsieur Proust, Celeste Albaret

189 – A Month of Sundays: searching for the spirit and my sister, Julie Mars

190 – Festa Mobile, Ernest Hemingway

191 – Mrs Dalloway, Virginia Woolf

192 – Gli ammutinati del Bounty, Charles Nordhoff e James Norman Hall

193 – My Lai 4: A Report on the Massacre and Its Aftermath, Seymour M.Hersh

194 – My Life as Author and Editor, H.R.Mencken

195 – My life in orange: growing up with the guru, Tim Guest

196 – Myra Waldo’s Travel and Motoring Guide to Europe, 1978, Myra Waldo

197 – La custode di mia sorella, Jodi Picoult

198 – Il Nudo e il Morto, Norman Mailer

199 – Il Nome della Rosa, Umberto Eco

200 – The Namesake, Jhumpa Lahiri

201 – Il Diario di una Tata, Emma McLaughlin

202 – Nervous System: Or, Losing my Mind in Literature, Jan Lars Jensen

203 – Nuove Poesie, Emily Dickinson

204 – The New Way Things Work, David Macaulay

205 – Nickel and Dimed, Barbara Ehrenreich

206 – Notte, Elie Wiesel

207 – Northanger Abbey, Jane Austen

208 – The Norton Anthology of Theory and Criticism, William E.Cain, Laurie A.Finke, Barbara E.Johnson, John P.McGowan

209 – Racconti 1930-1942, Dawn Powell

210 – Taccuino di un Vecchio Porco, Charles Bukowski

211 – Uomini e Topi, John Steinbeck

212 – Old School, Tobias Wolff

213 – Sulla Strada, Jack Kerouac

214 – Qualcuno Volò sul Nido del Cuculo, Ken Kesey

215 – Cent’Anni di Solitudine, Gabriel Garcia Marquez

216 – The Opposite of Fate: Memories of a Writing Life, Amy Tan

217 – La Notte dell’Oracolo, Paul Auster

218 – L’Ultimo degli Uomini, Margaret Atwood

219 – Otello, William Shakespeare

220 – Il Nostro Comune Amico, Charles Dickens

221 – The Outbreak of the Peloponnesian War, Donald Kagan

222 – La Mia Africa, Karen Blixen

223 – The Outsiders, S.E. Hinton

224 – Passaggio in India, E.M.Forster

225 – The Peace of Nicias and the Sicilian Expedition, Donald Kagan

226 – Noi Siamo Infinito, Stephen Chbosky

227 – Peyton Place, Grace Metalious

228 – Il Ritratto di Dorian Gray, Oscar Wilde

229 – Pigs at the Trough, Arianna Huffington

230 – Le Avventure di Pinocchio, Carlo Collodi

231 – Please Kill Me: Il Punk nelle Parole dei Suoi Protagonisti, Legs McNeil e Gillian McCain

232 – Una Vita da Lettore, Nick Hornby

233 – The Portable Dorothy Parker, Dorothy Parker

234 – The Portable Nietzche, Fredrich Nietzche

235 – The Price of Loyalty: George W.Bush, the White House, and the Education on Paul O’Neil, Ron Suskind

236 – Orgoglio e Pregiudizio, Jane Austen

237 – Property, Valerie Martin

238 – Pushkin, La Biografia, T.J.Binyon

239 – Pigmallione, G.B.Shaw

240 – Quattrocento, James Mckean

241 – A Quiet Storm, Rachel Howzell Hall

242 – Rapunzel, I Fratelli Grimm

243 – Il Corvo ed Altre Poesie, Edgar Allan Poe

244 – Il Filo del Rasoio, W.Somerset Maugham

245 – Leggere Lolita a Teheran, Azar Nafisi

246 – Rebecca, Daphne du Maurier

247 – Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm, Kate Douglas Wiggin

248 – The Red Tent, Anita Diamant

#libro #libri da leggere #rory gilmore

9 notes · View notes

artsyape · 9 months

Text

My reading list for 2023. * means at least one queer character. GN means Graphic Novel. I think my top three were Welcome to the Monkey House which was short stories by Kurt Vonnegut, Bones Beneath My Skin because TJ Klune writes so gorgeously, and The Skull by Jon Klassen just because it was slightly unhinged and I love kids books like that. Also 7 (7! Like holy cow) were kink novels by my writer friend that I am an arc reader for that were just absolutely perfect.

1. Everleigh’s Ring *

2. Malibu rising *

3. Legends and lattes *

4. One true loves

5. Meet Me By The Fountain

6. An unexpected kind of love*

7. I Exaggerate my brushes with fame

8. Carrie Soto is back

9. Check please books 1 and 2*(GN)

10. The reservoir

11. Teen titans: beast boy (GN)

12. Teen titans: beast boy loves raven (GN)

13. Everything is beautiful and I am not afraid *(GN)

14. Quiet girl in a noisy world(GN)

15. Everything is ok (GN)

16. Ashes(GN)

17. New Kid (GN)

18. Best short stories 2022

19. Mazebook (GN)

20. House of many ways

21. Castle in the air

22. Not If I Save You First

23. Heartbreak Hockey*

24. Lessons

25. Wild Akers *

26. Wild ash *

27. Teen titans: Robin GN

28. My aunt is a monster GN

29. Welcome to the monkey house

30. Rosalin Palmer Takes the Cake *

31. Cats cafe GN

32. Belle of the ball GN *

33. Other Boys GN*

34. Murder most actual *

35. The greatest thing *

36. Gender queer *

37. The tea dragon society GN*

38. The tea dragon festival GN *

39. Hungry Ghost GN

40. The Tea Dragon Tapestry GN*

41. A first time for everything GN

42. The best we could do GN

43. In limbo GN

44. Squire and Knight GN

45. Why Didn’t You Tell Me

46. Snapdragon GN *

47. Anya’s Ghost GN

48. Sensory life on the spectrum GN*

49. The girl and the glim GN

50. Why are you like this GN

51. The Dragon Warlord *

52. Always Never GN

53. In the lives of puppets *

54. Chefs Kiss GN *

55. Moonstruck vol 1 GN *

56. Moonstruck vol 2 GN *

57. Moonstruck vol 3 GN *

58. You Better Be Lightning (poetry)*

59. The Bones Beneath My Skin *

60. Avant Guards vol 1 GN*

61. The language of seabirds*

62. The fiancée farce *

63. Wintering the power of rest and retreat in difficult times

64. Avant Guards vol 2 GN*

65. Avant Guards vol 3 GN*

66. The electricity of every living thing

67. Aquicorn cove GN*

68. Days at the Morisaki Bookshop

69. Nice and accurate good omens tv companion *

70. The Waste Land (ts Elliot)

71. Dodger

72. Unmasking Autism *

73. Brothers of reckoning *

74. Demon Copperhead *

75. Things in the basement GN

76. Paris Dalliencourt is about to crumble *

77. Dr. Who Pest Control

78. Dr. Who The Forever Trap

79. Dr. Who Feast Of The Drowned

80. The skull Jon Klassan

81. The rock from the sky

82. The personality brokers

83. Dr. Who The Resurrection Casket

84. Light carries on* GN

85. Northranger * GN

86. Basil and Oregano * GN

87. Keeping two GN

88. The magic fish * GN

89. Good omens *

90. Dr. Who the last dodo

91. Dr. Who the stone rose

92. Fangirl vol 2 GN

93. Fangirl vol 3 GN

94. My happy marriage Vol 1 GN

95. My happy marriage Vol 2 GN

96. My happy marriage Vol 3 GN

97. Faint of Heart GN

98. Us *GN

99. Four Color Heroes *GN

100. Merry-go-round * GN

101. Hedra GN

102. But you have friends GN

103. Bear otter and the kid *

104. Queer: a graphic history*

105. The Ojja Wojja *GN

106. Across a field of starlight *GN

107. The moth keeper * GN

108. Going remote a teachers journey GN

109. Hot dog (Caldecott winner 2023)

110. Boom box mix tape

111. Haruki murakami’s manga stories

112. Princess princess ever after *

113. All systems red -murderbot

114. The Infinity Particle

115. Famous in a small town

116. Starborn Husbands *

117. Artie and the wolf moon *

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deadcactuswalking · 1 month

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REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 24/08/2024 (Bruno Mars & Lady Gaga "Die with a Smile")

Chase, Status and Stormzy remain at the top of the UK Singles Chart for a second week as “BACKBONE” retains its #1 spot amidst a surprisingly slow week. The big story is Gaga and Bruno returning with their comeback duet to the top 10, but before we get to any of that, well, there’s just about everything else. Welcome back to REVIEWING THE CHARTS!

content warning: references to war

Rundown

As always, we start our episode with the notable dropouts - those being songs exiting the UK Top 75, which is what I cover, after five weeks in the region or a peak in the top 40. This week, we bid farewell to a small group of “Alibi” by Sevdaliza, Pabllo Vittar and Yseult, “DEVIL IS A LIE” by Tommy Richman and two tracks from Central Cee - not his best week - those being “gen z luv” - thank God - and “BAND4BAND” with Lil Baby.

As for our notable gains and re-entries, we have “Unwritten” by Natasha Bedingfield scrape back at #75, but the big story in these categories is Post Malone, whose country duets album F-1 Trillion fails to chart any new songs, probably because it’s not all that great and the UK is going to rarely grant much success to a full-on country pivot, but we do have a big return for “Pour Me a Drink” with Blake Shelton at #39, and his other songs see gains: “I Had Some Help” with Morgan Wallen at #29 and the terrible “Guy for That” with Luke Combs at #25. We do see some notable boosts outside of Post, in particular for “The Man Who Can’t be Moved” by The Script at #64, “You’re Gonna Go Far” by Noah Kahan at #60, Taylor Swift gains for “Fortnight” featuring, well, Post Malone at #50 and “Cruel Summer” at #41, “Carry You Home” by Alex Warren at #46, “Sailor Song” by Gigi Perez at #35 - definitely not complaining about that one - “Big Dawgs” by Hanumankind and Kalmi at #15 and finally, Chappell Roan snabs her second top 10 with “HOT TO GO!” at #10.

Finally, in the top five… the trio of Huh, WhoNow and whatshername have finally made it, with “Kisses” by BL3SS, CamrinWatsin and bbyclose making it to #5. The rest should be familiar: “Guess” by Charli xcx featuring Billie Eilish at #4, “BIRDS OF A FEATHER” by Billie Eilish at #3, “Good Luck, Babe!” by Chappell Roan at #2 and the aforementioned “BACKBONE” at the very top. Now before we get to our big top 10 debut, let’s see what’s scraping up below it.

New Entries

#72 - “Cry Baby” - Clean Bandit, Anne-Marie and David Guetta

Produced by Jack Patterson and Grace Chatto

If we end the show with a long-awaited collab between two big-name 2010s hit-makers who have kept quiet for most of this decade, but always create a global smash when they arrive… then I guess we’ll start with a trio of European hit-makers from the 2010s who haven’t been able to go away, and given this is actually a week after it debuted in the top 100, I think the impact of that next Clean Bandit album may be a little muted. What I was personally terrified of when this line-up appeared was the prospect of the previous hit they’d blatantly sample, so the fact that this is an original song is already an improvement on my low expectations. As for its quality, well, firstly, it immediately sounded outdated. Sure, the country flair they acknowledged is contemporary but the Official Charts Company themselves noted that the whistling harmonised with the typical Clean Bandit string swell resembles the sea shanties of 2021, and really, this is just an undeniably Just Dance 2018 line-up. The main melodic hook resembles a traditional folk sing-song, but that translates to a particularly staccato tropical house drop, and when you find out from the band themelves in their OCC interview that this is straight out of 2020, with them dismissing most of the changes they’d made to the track since and releasing an earlier version, everything starts to make sense. Guetta says it was four years in the making but realistically, this had been made four years ago, and it speaks to the public’s change of taste that this seems to be more of a slow burn. The song is completely serviceable, but made redundant but much else of Clean Bandit’s catalogue, and this was made long before Anne-Marie really channelled her bratty instincts in her last record, so apart from some cute obnoxious laughter in the backing ad-libs, this feels dry, lacking in much to set it apart, which for all three of these acts, is pretty par for the course nowadays.

#55 - “New Woman” - LISA featuring ROSALÍA

Produced by Max Martin and ILYA

Now if there’s something that definitely isn’t lacking in personality, it would be a track by BLACKPINK star LISA with a guest appearance from ROSALÍA, and naturally, production from Max Martin instead of any of the weirder acts like Arca or el Guincho that ROSALÍA often gels with, and LISA could use to help her carve a distinct sound. It struck me as a bizarre decision, and one that I’m genuinely surprised she had the ability to make, especially given LISA seemed inching closer to both rap and the avant-garde with “Rockstar”. Martin and ILYA may have taken themselves further out of their comfort zone by enlisting Tove Lo as a writer, and given the robotic vocal loop that is barely on beat, the blocks of synths against the factorial drums and even record scratches, you can hear her all over this more garish attempt at an 80s pastiche, even in LISA’s verses themselves, as her vocal delivery of monosyllabic, abstract and separate phrases borderline feels like an impression, before the fast-paced, staccato chorus full of stuttering meshing with the flashy chiptune synths that seems just as like Tove Lo.

The song is all about a newly-gained female confidence, and whilst the lyrics don’t stand out to me as particularly quotable, they may not need to, especially since ROSALÍA takes the song into a murkier territory with a wave of grim bass fuzz, drowning out the melody and replacing what remains with hyperpop-esque effects as she dominates the mix alongside a stray, overly loud snare, so she can take a flex verse to an oddly sinister edge, using her sheer emotional strength as a coping mechanism before it flashes back abruptly, in typical K-pop fashion, to the plastic pop mask. It’s rare that the stop-and-start momentum of K-pop is used to such thematic success, on the charts at least, and honestly I really like the progression, and they even find time in the mix to give LISA the opportunity to rap as a book-end on the intro and outro - it fits the call-and-response post-chorus really well. Surprisingly enough, I really enjoyed this, and I also appreciate seeing Max Martin being taken out of his comfort zone whilst still employing his signature sound. It makes a lot of sense that the presence of ROSALÍA and Tove Lo would prompt that, and I’m slightly more interested in where LISA goes from here rather than wherever I could have predicted she went from “Rockstar”.

#53 - “Pretty Slowly” - Benson Boone

Produced by Evan Blair

Well, at least one of these songs can be quick and easy. As the lieutenant-general of the Boonecorps and CEO of BDS - Benson Defense Squad - I don’t think this one’s too great. It’s still good, I genuinely like this guy and the wordy, tripping-over-himself way of writing his lyrics, but the folkish tones are almost childlike in the verses, not fitting for his whinier tone, especially with some questionable pronounciations and inflections along the way. The overlong build of the chorus makes perfect sense with the stomp-clap elevation and backing vocals given how the track lyrically themes itself around the gradual degradation of a relationship, with him only getting into his signature shriek once it feels too fast to prevent it all from collapsing. The harmonies that are slightly off on timing and have a gang vocals feel whilst still feeling very attached to Boone’s tone makes the song have a great sense of panic in its fuller moments. I just wish that led to more than the frankly disappointing bridge-turned-outro, as a mostly good song ends with a slower, melancholic rise, with an awkward vocal mastering job, and repetitive lyric that really does not resolve the song’s post-breakup angst in a satisfying or even compelling way. Even blowing out the mix to ridiculous proportions, which honestly usually helps me enjoy a song, doesn’t help me get over the weird left turn and frankly, I think this is where he needs some help lyrically: actually completing his song’s narratives. It’s still fine, though, and we stay in folk rock territory with…

#48 - “Nobody’s Soldier” - Hozier

Produced by Bekon, Pete G, Chakra and Sergiu Gherman

Though not as explosive as his last EP of B-sides, thanks to the lack of a really immediate hit like “Too Sweet”, Hozier is still trickling out another trilogy, with the new EP Unaired. The stand-out opener is the anti-war song “Nobody’s Soldier”, which got the video treatment and takes on a lone-wolf character fitting for its strident guitar fuzz and distorted intro, taking a third option in between selling yourself physically to a warzone and selling yourself to a capitalistic society, becoming another product in the midst of others fighting for “consumer” attention, with several pieces of imagery directly mirroring the experiences of those in the trenches of the World Wars. Hozier sounds as powerful in the relentless, dynamically-mixed chorus as he sounds uncertain in the tense, breathy clinging of the verses, demonstrating a very real disillusionment with the selfishness inherent in a society that benefits financially from promoting and waging conflict, both as industry market competition and actual bloodshed.

Whilst more of an anthemic independence, Hozier can come off as a tad weak here, being buried in the mix sometimes by the more prominent, almost digital-sounding guitar pumping in the right channel, and not having the best enunciation - not that you really need that in a populist protest song - but the lyrics also seem to look too in between two dimensions to really settle for what change can be made. I don’t exactly think there’s all too much room in the geopolitical climate for centrist disgruntlement, and I can’t see a society where the potential motive behind this song - just being “all about the music” and wanting to release art rather than force himself into commercialism and/or war, which he paints several parallels between - isn’t selling yourself. Even in a world where art is not commodified to the extent it is now, the deeply personal lyrics of some of Hozier’s tracks combined with the need to create a centralised space wherein that art can be expressed, spread and accessed is creating a product out of yourself, it almost seems unavoidable. The song is still very good, I am not really going to defy a song’s impact, grit and tightly-written narrative if I don’t agree with it thematically, though I feel it may stem too closely to “Too Sweet” for Hozier’s own good in its overarching themes and tone, setting itself apart with a harsher and political edge but falling into the traps of circling itself into recapturing the same idea, to the point of being a tad under-developed, all the same.

#7 - “Die with a Smile” - Lady Gaga and Bruno Mars

Produced by Lady Gaga, Bruno Mars, D’Mile and watt

As much as Bruno and Gaga both feel like icons of a 2010s style of grandiose pop long gone, they still have made plenty of work that I personally enjoy greatly on many more levels than pure nostalgia, and I think that’s part of why the two have resonated so strongly and for so long, alongside the diverse range of their talents and genre-scoping abilities, they’re like pop music polymaths, and in Gaga’s case, she works between so many forms and mediums that calling her a “singer” feels like an understatement. Both acts have recruited people from their side - D’Mile and James Fauntleroy are writing here alongside producer Andrew Watt from the pop rock sphere - so this dramatic re-entry, which may be on either artists’ album or both, whenever that’s coming for either of them since it’s been a while on both fronts, should be an easy push and slam dunk on both the charts and in the eyes of the critics. And is it worth the hype? Does it pass the already high expectations we have for these two, we can probably call it now, legends of pop music? …Yeah, obviously, the song’s fantastic.

The conceit of the exhausted “ooh-ooh” from Bruno that enters the song in through feathery falsetto and returns to signal the floating verses, both of which start outside of their respective singer’s control, is such a neat little detail that Bruno would obviously add in, those sneaky refrains are probably part of what makes his musicianship so special to Gaga herself, as explained in their Variety article, and you can definitely tell that this was Bruno’s song first, mostly because it’s a smooth jam that has his harmonies dripping all over it, even when Gaga’s supposed to be the lead vocal. The dramatic drumming that fills in for the gentler guitars is mixed so perfectly, down to a really brilliant panning job when they first come in, that it adds a lot of genuine strength to this power ballad, even when the rest of the instrumental benefits from its languid, throwback slide, balancing the song’s aged comfort, which you can really hear in Bruno’s “just for a while” delivery in the chorus, with a lovestruck intensity from their early 2010s work remaining, especially through Gaga’s belting that meshes note to note with Bruno, particularly in the rougher pre-chorus. It feels like a perfect middle man between the youthful, dedicated bops that launched them into fame and the natural adult contemporary conclusion, bringing that same 100% energy to a style more fitting of their age and career progression.

I adore the production details down to Gaga’s vocal being distanced and filtered in the second chorus to bubble below Bruno’s delicate take, signalling the careening swell of pianos to come in the bridge, which wastes no time from dipping its toes into the shallow pool of water that sounds like it’s below their performance, to crashing into theatrics like a true megastar moment. The sheer strength of the instrumental break sends Gaga into a ferociously dedicated passion right after, and renders Bruno’s early coos into a screech that resonates through the mix well into the passage’s closing moments. I love the thematic conceit of Bruno always overpowering Gaga on the “I’d wanna hold you just for a while” line whilst she’s much more prominent in both renditions she has of the chorus’ first half. There’s simply so much to appreciate about this song, but perhaps its biggest appeal is just how big it sounds. It’s written like the climax to a soundtrack, its scale lyrically is that of the end of the world, and it features some absolute powerhouses going toe-to-toe on an instrumental so layered and massive that it could overpower any of the two at any given moment.

It should be of no surprise that these two titans come together for this extravagant of a song, and the two always felt like they should have crossed paths a long time ago given their similar - but not nearly identical - paths that have not just followed but actively played on the public perceptions of what a pop star could and couldn’t be, whether through the gesamtkunstwerk spectacle of Lady Gaga’s time in the limelight, using her decade and change with the public eye to make the most challenging pop of its time whilst branching across film, fashion and contemporary art in a way that has forever fused the artforms, or Bruno’s slow-burn dedication to perfectly replicate the styles of music he holds dear, in blind disregard to release dates, and prove himself as a man who makes art purely because he loves it and wants to transmit that joy he experiences unto others. Simply put, I imagine these two are somewhat on the way out in their hit-making career, so to have this beast of a power ballad as their ending credits, with the two finally coming together to prove that dominance and evolution, it really is kind of beautiful. It does help that I’ve been alive to track these artists’ progression, and for much of the second half, document it on here, so a song like this that even uses the subtext of their pop stardom being somewhat behind them, or even them just being beyond that now, will resonate particularly well with me, in particular because ARTPOP and An Evening with Silk Sonic are borderline perfect albums, in my opinion, and whilst this may be more comfortably in Bruno’s camp, “Die with a Smile” still hits immensely and I really hope it smashes just to give them that victory lap. I can’t say this about really any song that debuts and I have to review in real-time, but this one… it feels like an all-timer. An absolutely perfect song to end this episode. This is pop music incarnate.

Conclusion

Wow, I mean, you can’t really have it better than that! Only five songs, not one I dislike, and aside from one, they’re all very good, so it gives you an easy Worst of the Week - “Cry Baby” by Clean Bandit, David Guetta and Anne-Marie - without actually being hard to listen to, and I’m spoiled rotten for the Honourable Mention but the Best of the Week is barely a choice simply because of how far Lady Gaga and Bruno Mars run away with it with “Die with a Smile”. Ultimately, I gave the Honourable Mention to LISA and ROSALÍA for “New Woman”, mostly because there are small nitpicks with the others, but this is ultimately a nice little batch of songs. As for what’s on the horizon, I suppose we’ll have to look out for Sabrina Carpenter’s newest album release given her recently-acquired megastar status, as well as new tracks to look out for from Myles Smith and Coldplay. Hell, Fontaines D.C. might end up with something here, you can’t count them out. For now, thank you for reading, long live Cola Boyy, and I’ll see you next week!

#uk singles chart #pop music #song review #bruno mars #die with a smile #lady gaga #hozier #benson boone #clean bandit #david guetta #anne-marie #blackpink lisa #rosalía #new woman

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