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#AND THEN EVERYTHING ELSE IM SUPPOSED TO BE DOING RIGHT NOW
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scary-monsters · 2 months
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personal update: work doesn't wanna let me switch departments bc everything else in my life is a bunch of question marks rn (and also i think my current department is terrified to lose me 💀) so PLEASE forgive me as i continue to be very inactive and flighty and tired
on a more FUN note.. my headcanon bday for diego is in less than a month HEHEHEHE... i need to figure out what to draw for him...
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ccbatman · 3 months
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actually so evil how much of hal's internal world gets obliterated with the rewriting of his relationships with jessica and martin.
#hal jordan#empyrean posting#ok going in the tags because im not actually v confident in my understanding of his character. i read all of his 80s/90s stuff but forgot#90% of it but ANYWAY.#so much of him just does not make sense with how geoff johns characterises him and his relationships with his parents particularly the#parallax stuff simply because of how much his relationship with the guardians and their apathy/'betrayal' is influenced by hal's original#relationship with his dad. like at its heart it's pretty much the same dynamic in how hal blindly trusts and sort of idolises the guardians#despite their repeated infractions in hope of... something in return just as he had with his father and the abuse he suffered at martin's#hands. that's what makes his anger at the guardians make sense when it does show itself because the relationship parallel didn't stop there.#as with martin hal gets nothing for his devotion. he gets nothing for doing everything that's asked of him and more and it ends the same way#too: with a man in the sky burning like a newborn star. and you lose so much of that nuance and intrigue behind that if you just make#jessica the 'bad one' because!!! you cheapen it!!!!#the whole idea of hal is that he has his father's face but his mother's scars#(to me). in the sense that they both reacted to martin the same way with that cognisance of who he was as a man yet inability to pull away#because... love. both the love they had for him and the conviction that he did or could love them too. and jessica arguably did eventually#but also she didnt did she? because she held onto that notion of love till the very end. the few scraps she had she ballooned outwards until#they became the whole. but hal didnt have even that and he spent his whole life chasing it & running away from wanting it at the same time#like i think there's something so interesting to the fact that he had to be convinced that flying was what he wanted to do. how much of that#was touched by his father? the fear that he was already too much like him than he could bear to be? he already had his face now he had his#dreams and longing for the sky. how much more could he have before he began repeating the cycle?#and at the end he even had his father's death. burning in the clouds. like there's so much there and that's not even touching on how it#impacts his relationships with other heroes. not just in the sense of why did kyle clark and diana get to keep their close yet complex#relationships with their moms when hal had to lose his (although yeah why did they) but also just how he lets himself come across to them.#because it's on purpose right? that he lets them think his reflection of his father is born out of unadulterated love for a man worthy of it#? he has his father's job he wears his father's jacket he smiles his father's smile. what else are they supposed to think.#and isnt that interesting!!! that this man who is so committed to being good & just can lie so casually to people he thinks of as friends!!!#can you see how that might be his mother through and through!!! in how she might have glossed over the abuse to other people and herself!!!#can you see how in spite of it all he might want to be perceived as his father that paragon of masculinity and resent that he is not!!!#do you understand how everything he loves has been poisoned!!! im thinking of that scene where he tells bruce about watching martin die &#wouldnt it have been so much more interesting through this lens. how he is both revealing & obfuscating at once. i hate the change sm
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hm
thinking of my blorbos but not in a "i love you you love me all is well" way but a "i love you hope you kill me" way lol
#cylas vents#negativity#negative#death wish#lmao#bitches be like '[potentially concerning thing]' and then add 'lol' as if it's funny or a joke lmao#like i mean technically it's not but then again it is bc it's me. like yeah don't worry don't take this seriously don't mind me ok#it doesn't really matter anyway kk. or maybe it's more like I'm the joke.#like idk the thought that like most of my f/os would probably kill me on sight should be less comforting than it is i guess#imagine casually making posts like this and still being like 'ok but maybe im not actually mentally ill maybe im faking maybe im lying to#myself maybe im making excuses maybe im imagining things maybe im just lazy' etc etc#none of the antidepressants since fluoxetine decided it's over have done shit and even my psychiatrist now is always like 'hm. so do you#want to keep trying other things' and like yeah what else can i do? therapy didnt do anything for this specific issue and the tagesklinik#lady didnt really seem to get my issue (well her suggestions for like therapy groups or whatever were more about socialising or whatever#like ??? girl that's really not the main problem here lmao but she also did have a point about how i would have to actually go there every#day etc but like#what else am i supposed to do#hi i am always tired and sometimes struggle to even get out of bed and thats why i worry about getting a job or something bc it could become#too much or whatever but like unfortunately thats kind of a requirement for everything lmao#when psychiatrist asks what i want/expect or whatever i am internally like 'a magic pill that just fixes everything and makes me a normal#functional human being' but like that's just not A Thing (tm)#so. like. what else am i supposed to do.#i don't want to be like this forever#idk how to tag lmai#using stuff like#tw suicidality#tw suicidal#tw suicidal ideation#just feels so over the top and like i dont have the right to use them lol
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bunnihearted · 7 months
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i just hate hate hate society so much!!! i have no idea how im supposed to find a way to live and participate in it. i cant stand a single thing abt it. i hate everyone and everything. and the thing lazy ppl dont wanna admit is that WE are society. we create society, we allow the state to do what it does. we choose this. how am i supposed to "love my neighbor" when they are prtially responsible for what this society is???? there is nothing good abt this. it is a cruel and vicious system built on abusing and taking advantage of the vulnerable and the poor. there are no real rules; rules only apply to the ones at the bottom of the hiearchy while the rich and the powerful get away with anything. nothing is fair or just. rules and laws are only there to keep the poor and vulnerable ones down. if you have nothing you will most likely spend your entire life like that, because there is no playing far in this society. nothing is easy. even if it's hard and you fight for it you'll probably not end up going anywhere. the entire thing is rigged. and everyone chooses to just go with it. we have chosen this. and it sucks and i hate everyone and everything because life is so fucking unnecessarily hard and unfair and if you're born with nothing you'll never have anything. even if you try to play by the rules they've set. the rules are against you. and if you break the rules you're immediately punished. life is nothing but an unjust imprisonment.
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caterpillarinacave · 5 months
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maybe I’ll run away and join the moss
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sharkjumpers · 10 months
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aughhhh (clutches my cursed eye.)
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Hes so silly and we love him for it
#dc liveblog#hes just having a great time right now. having fun and getting silly with it#dc liveblog update: ive started the nightwing arc (where he dresses as nightwing)#not entirely sure what jason is trying to do here yet but its fun watching him#i never expected the “oh my goodness gracious ive been bamboozled” panel to be real and i am so pleased#as for the end w the batarang. hmm!#ive seen fic interpretation of that scene. and yeas it is fucked bruce hit him in the neck#i feel like there may have been other options there#However.#it does still get dramatized like most everything else when hit w the fanon beam#i mean. ive seen plenty of things saying bruce saved the joker. certainly not the case. joker exploded the building and bruce booked it#and then a jason panel bc yknow. jason exploded#but its not like he was left to try and escape the explosion itself while joker was rescued#im getting the feeling the bats intended to patch jason up i think. the explosion very much messed with his original plans#i wonder if any later comics add in those things ive seen in fics. or if its entirely fanon. questions thatll be answered the more i read#i suppose#still messed up with the batarang alone though. like that was alot of blood#and he absolutely died here#he got better though because he is simply the universe's special little boy /silly#also the yellow Lazarus pit is the coolest thing ever why does everyone say green. i mean. i know a later version makes it green i think#but yellow is soo cool#my theory is the green won for dp crossover reasons
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ana-rends · 3 months
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i would rather live with ana for the rest of my life than binge like this ever again
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suncaptor · 4 months
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Perhaps it's good to acknowledge how much at a breaking point I am at. That I cannot be this trapped. That something has to change. In theory, I would have already changed it, since the problem is the helplessness. Like I need to stop living with this amount of financial deprivation and unsustainability. I need help and support. I need rest and distance from crisis. I need to feel safe.
#i need to blow past barriers and the problem is nearly all those barriers are lack of support money or having a disability#but i am not trapped how i was before#i don't know WHAT to do and i KNOW i cant do it alone — thats part of the problem#but i know something has to happen. i know this with the certainty and clarity i had that i had to escape before#and hey! i did that!#but the problem is. crucially. i cannot. do. it. alone. which! well what else do i do?#the lights are on. its all so clear#like even. all my PATTERNS for fucks sake man the times ive seemed to be doing better. .....#summer 2021.? summer 2022? even that brief interim now. i see everything its all so clear.#i cannot do this alone. its not even about having needs met for a month knowing next month i wont#bc then i wont this month either bc i wont buy food or medicine or anything#like man this is insane ive been bleeding and in agony for two weeks bc i couldnt get a doctor to prescribe A MEDICINE YOU CAN GET OVE#THE COUNTER#i need support i need to stop being trapped in this constant like. i dont think anyone gets. the degree.#or how im living#holy fuck how I'm living is fucked up#NO WONDER I CANT GET ANYTHING DONE#but i was doing better for a bit#bc the emergency housing#that support.#but its like.#this isnt normal. okay.#like people arent supposed to exist how i am in a society#this is fucked up#got told today i seem to have more barriers than anyone. but thats bc how i am living is impossible and the fact i am still engaging like#that is a fucking testimony#i cant do this. it has to stop. this isnt right. the fact this has been my life for so long is fucked up#my standard is fr '#'not being actively abused'#what about basic needs.
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skrunksthatwunk · 9 months
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not to doomer post. but. american politics is like here's a conservative warmonger who wants to burn you alive personally and here's a different conservative warmonger who definitely wouldn't stop someone from burning you alive BUT who might raise the minimum wage by $0.30/hour for you, but only like eight years from now (so re-elect me please!! >w<). yes one of them has to be president they are the only two options we'll let you have. no neither of them will stop the government from killing you or anyone else, but at least one will say "it's kind of bad to kill people :( someone should really do something about that..." while giving the people-killers $20,000,000,000,000 to keep doing it then saying they can't afford to help you at all, but oh shucks, maybe next cycle, if you vote for me again! and also everyone will pretend as though they are extremely different political entities covering two highly polarized ends of the political spectrum despite nearly identical policy views obscured by their slightly different ways of addressing their target audiences, many of whom are also conservative warmongers. and also if you don't vote or vote third party the other guy will win and you will watch as they burn everyone you love alive in the same way they've burned so many strangers so you kind of feel like you have to vote for the other warmonger because even though they both have blood on their hands you'll take a handshake over an uppercut. even if you can still see the bodies piling up behind them. even if you can only save like five people you know and not the thousands of people who are dying in the other room. because you believe the difference between 30,000 and 30,005 is still worth it even though no one needed to die in the first place and no one seems to agree with you. you have to keep living in this world every day. if anything changes it will take decades and it will never be enough. if this takes a toll on you good fucking luck surviving off the generosity of the warmonger state that claims to serve you. happy voting!!
#like. yeah i'll take the raised minimum wage. i guess. but jesus christ#yes you are doing slightly good things sometimes almost. can you stop killing people though. please. that is a higher priority#like this is my first prezzy election season since i turned voting age right and like. what the fuck am i supposed to do now#what am i supposed to do with this. it took me 5 fucking months to pick a dead cockroach off my floor how am i supposed to fix this.#how am i meant to be a person and go on living while knowing i am doing nothing and cannot do anything and won't do anything#i need to fight i need to get up but i am stuck. im always stuck. i pray yknow. i don't know what else to do#how can people think about buying houses and getting promotions in this world. how are they not feeling likr their chest is caving in every#time they falter in their complex self-distraction. how am i supposed to do anything when all i can think about is helping and my body won't#let me. i cant do anything i cant but i have to but i cant. im supposed to and im a bad person if i dont and i cant live like that.#and if i am too upset about that i am punished for it by the people around me and ignored by those in power if not punished as well.#i love the world. i love people. you motherfuckers are killing everything and im not stopping you and you're getting in the way of me loving#the life i was built to love and i can't understand why you think it's even thinkable to do what you're doing. or what im doing.#i just want to look at clovers and paint and be good to my neighbors but you won't stop fucking murdering people in front of me#and i can't fucking do anything. i cant take care of the people i love i can't carry my own weight i can't take care of myself i can't move#and im supposed to fucking file taxes? to fund mass slaughter? on the off chance it might go to welfare or something. god.#i hate it here i hate it here america is a fucking nightmare it is hell i can't stand it but if i leave im just running and saving myself#whch is selfsh and cruel and so i would never be able to escape the feeling and i would always be in american hell because it' a part of me#but if i stay i cannot do anything because my body is filled with smoke and broken glass and im supposed to fucking get my drivers license#so i can buy groceries or get a job so i can keep myself on life support watching everything get worse and worse around me#and knowing that nothing has ever been good here and ive been lied to forever and im still being lied to#and i am in hell.#and me dying won't fix it and me living won't fix it ans both are too painful to even consider.#i am drowning i am drowning i am drowning i am drowning and my skin is on fire im on fire and i want to have children. but i can't imagine#doing that to someone. oh my god. and to raise them and watch them come to understand what this place ive brought them to is#that ive raised them in a slaughterhouse and to feebly try to show them the clovers and the ducks and the baby shoes and teach them to love#when maybe that love of the world is a distraction. or maybe i use it as one. i think of the blood as an obstacle to love and joy but maybe#i would not love the world so much if i was not so constantly desperately scared and ashamed of living in it#and i am a very lucky person. my life is cushy and i want to rip my skin off because what does that matter when it doesnt let me help people#god help me. but help the rest of them first. but i am helped first anyway and i hate it. i dont. i cant. god.#nyarla dni
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bonestrouslingbones · 8 months
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have officially hit the point where i kinda wish people i would like to call friends drifting away for the millionth time in a row actually WAS personal so that then i wouldnt feel so fucking stupid for getting so upset about it every time
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pepprs · 2 years
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i guess im starting a tradition of double ventposting lol but the last thing i’llsay (maybe) is like… all of that has a caveat which is that my emotional object permanence has been absolutely OBLITERATED by 3 yrs of covid hell and it is really doing a number on me. clearly
#purrs#this manifests in how not normal i am abt reading / responding to messages btw ♥️ i love depriving myself of evidence that i am loved#also somewhat ​relatedly (and i may have already said this but): covid also destroyed something that has always already been hard for me whi#which (ironically given how important it is to the work I do) foresight. i was not su*cidal growing up but i simply couldn’t imagine what li#life would be like after high school. it felt like the show was supposed to be over on graduation day. and everything that’s happened since#then has seemed a little fake to me… and then covid happened and it felt even more fake… and now i graduated college and WORK THERE full#time. and it’s like.. at any given moment i am about 30-40% convinced that the things that are happening to me aren’t actually real or that#they’re not supposed to be happening bc the show ended on may 30 2017. and i don’t think that’s a healthy way to experience the world lol#unreality tw#ask to tag#like ofc my day to day life is real and the week to week stuff is real. but there’s some twilight zone-ness to it. like its happening to#someone else who looks exactly like me butim in her body and not mine and not controlling anything. idk. that’s not the right metaphor its h#hard to explain and im so sleepy. but the best way i can describe it which i keep doing is like a tv show that should be over by now but is#dragging on fro some reason. like we never finished watching it but it’s like the office continuing after michael Scott left. it’s just#weird and wrong and fake and doesn’t feel real. and the fact that it actually is real but i feel that way is a very big problem
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dirt-str1der · 2 years
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Kazu/maji is soooooo different than sae/maji this is because saejima and majima are best friends who go together everywhere and frequently close the toilet door in each others faces because they keep trying to follow each other inside and the other guys like No. im going to take a shit and kiryu and majima are like guys who are knotting each other every time they meet and conjoined at the groin , like majima will carry kiryus baby and saejima will raise it with him you know what i mean theres a lack of commitment (but no shortage of passion) with majima and kiryu theyre each others one night stand every single night but saejima and him stick with each other through thick and thin come hell or high water
#Yakuza loveblog#i just realised with horror that whenever i say kazu/maji without censoring it like that it actually appears in the tag itself#so thats why i have a typing quirk now#anyway you guys get what i mean#im not saying kiryu and majima dont love each other im just saying they dont love each other like saejima and majima do#kiryu is gentle and kind but he cant be loyal when nobody has ever sucessfully pinned him down before#saejima ... he is faithful. at the end of the day he will always come back to majima#and its the same for majima. saejima Gets him like no one else does ... they love each other the same way#i always say this but majima starting to wear his eyepatch less around saejima makes me explode fire and brimstone because he was hiding#damn near everything about himself his past his injuries and trauma because those arent for anybody but saejima. and saejima forgiving him#actively liberated him from those shackles. he waited for him every day and kept his head high until the day he could lower it to saejima ..#he bared himself to him then. showed him the life he was owed because saejima owned him then and had every right to strike him down where he#stood. nobody else was supposed to see his wounds because it was For saejima to judge if majima had been punished enough had suffered enough#for his sake .. the payment for his betrayal .. and saejima of course he forgave him. thats his bro ... the person he looks up to the most#so he forgives majima and majima is free to be his own person again not bound by honour or repayment. and he chose 2 remain by saejimas side#till death do them part or something like that#... the body text of this post implies that majima is an alpha. hes not jsyk hes literally omega coded ‘but hes so violent’ yeah.#hes meant to be like that.#saejima is levelheaded unlike kiryu so hes beta coded and he and majima fuck like rabbits#this is all FYI btw things i believe to be true backed up by source material
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milo-is-rambling · 1 year
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I forget how much I hate the taste of vodka but the whipped cream vodka is so much better my god
#make a drink sweet enough that you can’t taste it when it’s in ur mouth and then all u get is the whipped cream vodka in the burn#makes drinks more tolerable#also this is the fastest I think I’ve ever chugged an alcoholic drink#we are gonna get fucked up tonight bc we have daddy issues and fought with our mom this morning slayyy#smoked a cigarette at the lake now getting fucked up in my room while home alone#life is so good and it’s all bullshit forever#literally we could all die and it doesn’t matter and life is weird and crazy and I am happy it sucks and I am so fucking thrilled to be aliv#at all#life is good regardless of death but I wish death would just like wait patiently for my family#dad I miss u I hope you had a good four twenty where ever you ended up. im sorry moms acting like this. I hope my brothers okay at school.#I hope he’s having a good time and isn’t completely overwhelmed with everything. I was right and apparently he’s gonna come home after grad#uation and im excited to have him home again but my mothers all upset. I know it sucks that you’re dead but it’s nice knowing in a weird way#that you’re the reason me and hunter got close again. so thanks I guess for that. and smoking made me and mom grow closer. idk. you’ve done#a lot for us and most of it had to do with weed. today hurt worse than my birthday. or the six month anniversary. today sucked. and no one#else seemed to be torn apart by it and it made me feel like I was going crazy and no one could even tell#you would’ve noticed if I was acting different. I love you. wherever you are I still love you. and I’m sorry. I’m sorry I was such a bitch.#and I wish I took better care of you. but you were my father I wasn’t supposed to take care of you. you should’ve been there for me. we shou#have been there for mom and hunter and your parents and I’ve been thinking a lot about grammie actually. I don’t know how I feel. thinking#about her makes me cry now. I don’t have the heart to make her cry talking about my childhood but I miss her. and I miss being young. I miss#you coming to my Father’s Day dance recitals and coming back from bike week in Laconia and bringing me flowers always wearing your grey#Harley Davidson jacket and you’d have flowers in your arms and you’d be bored but so proud and you’d hug me and you’d smell like weed and#your beard was always scratchy when you’d hug me and I just miss you a lot. I miss you and I fucking hate you for it fuck.#note to self. ​don’t be pmsing and then get drinking and smoking and thinking of your dead father. you will cry
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acanthemp3 · 2 years
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i wish i could drop out -_-
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