#AND WHY I CANT PUT MORE OF THIS ENERGY INTO STUDYING FOR FUCKS SAKE

[koravelliumavast]

Dear Wormwood by the oh hellos is THE Renarin Kholin song: a mildly confusing character analysis.

yeah ok. so theres a lot of quotes from the books in here and nearer the end it actually ends up not being that much focused on the song and more on his development through the series and also i could go more into the song as a whole but its been like 3 hours at this point and this is the best youre going to get out of me because this is all spur of the moment.

So Renarin whole arc throughout Oathbringer is finding his place in the new world they’re in, right?. He doesn’t quite fit into with the radiants but he doesn’t quite fit in with the rest of the Alethi but he doesn’t fit in with the scholars either and he still feels like an outcast amongst bridge four.

Renarin explicitly shows that many times he doesn’t think he fits in anywhere. That he’s always been pushed into boxes that he doesn’t think he fits into. And that he doesn’t want to necessarily become an ardent or a stormwarden because he’d be giving in to what everyone says.

But even when he thinks finds who he is and finds his place on Roshar, things happen, upset that balance and he’s back to feeling lost again.

But along the course of the book he finds his space in the world. Not only as a scholar but also as a member of bridge four and as a radiant as well as internally. He finds a way to be more comfortable with himself by breaking the molds he’d been forced into all his life.

And Navani sees it. He’s happy. Throughout Oathbringer he’s gaining confidence and working through the boxes. His arc is much more understated because the vast majority of it seems to happen off screen and also internally, but Renarin at the end of Words of Radiance and Renarin at the end of Oathbringer are different people. He's much more confident and happy and finds himself joking around with his friends in ways he hasn't before.

Now (and that accidentally took a lot longer to get here than expected) throughout the Dear Wormwood album there is a struggle with self identity and finding out who you are. It comes to a peak in the song Dear Wormwood. The lyrics “I know who you are now.” Are repeated often throughout the song. But the final time it’s said, it’s “I know who I am now.”

The album as a whole, but specifically this song is almost like telling your struggles: “I see you. I recognize you. But you do not define me.” And nowhere is it more present than in the end of the song with the lyrics:

And don't these lines describe and fit Renarins entire arc throughout Oathbringer? Finding where he belongs and who he is as a person outside of what others view him to be? Not only is that Renarin's arc throughout Oathbringer, but its fitting to his story in the books as a whole. From the first time we met Renarin we learn 3 things about him. 1) People find him unsettling because he thinks before he speaks, 2) he feels out of place in many situations and 3) he is not what everyone thinks he is. This is a song about confronting your inner demons and Renarin seems to do exactly that. Or at least planting the seeds to do so.

Anyway I think renarin's arc is one of the most interesting because we dont see it since the majority of it happens offscreen or in others viewpoints, but Renarin is definitely a different person from when we first met him to where we're currently at. He's visibly more confident and happy and you can even see it in others perspectives.

Like the fact that in both of these examples Renarin's being a little teased with and joked around and with Wit he gets flustered and embarrassed of something that didnt happen and then with Lopen he laughs about it shows another level of comfort and confidence in himself too.

But I don’t think that the Renarin in the beginning of the way of kings would’ve suggested anyone to bond Tumi. He’s out of his element in every situation he’s in. But with joining bridge four and just a general confidence gain and friendship gain and internal growth he does. I almost wonder if going through twok you could pinpoint the moment he bonds Glys. Because it most definitely happens during the events of that book.

[getitinbusan]

Finger Bang!

Jeongguk Smut

More than pleased with himself, Jeongguk stared at how wet the bed was.

Quickly undoing his pants he knew he could pull another orgasm out of you while you were still blissed out. He brushed the damp hair off your cheek and kissed it.

"I don't think I'm ever going to get used to seeing that."

It had been a few weeks since this new talent revealed itself and he was determined to perfect the craft.

If he curled his fingers just right, and dragged them in and out at a steady pace, he could make you squirt like a soup dumpling. 

"So fucking wet, I can't believe how much your pussy loves my fingers." 

So while you lay in the aftermath, mind blank, muscles limp, he'd hop on and fuck you the rest of the way into oblivion replacing your fluids with his.

Walking through the airport you grabbed hold of him. Instead of taking his whole hand, you gripped your two favorite fingers and gave them a tight teasing squeeze.

"You really like those huh?"

"I thought it was obvious?"

Pressing his digits up to your lips you kissed them softly.

"I'm going to miss them this week, do you really have to go?"

"You're not going to miss me? Just my fingers?" He laughed, "You know you've got your own right?" 

"Not the same Guk. I love you, you'd better hurry back." 

The day before he was scheduled to return he messaged you. 

JK: I can't wait to see you tomorrow, I have a surprise. 

Y/N: I thought we were going to FaceTime tonight? I miss your smile Guk-ah."

Y/N: But what's the surprise!!??

JK: You're gonna have to be patient 💜 We get in at 7am, stay in bed, I'll meet you there 😏

The alarm went off at 6am, that would give you just enough time. 

Peeling off his old ripped t-shirt you got up to shower and shave.  

Putting clean sheets on the bed you tucked yourself back in just as the key turned in the lock. 

You heard the sound of his duffel bag drop on the floor, followed by shoes, then clothes as his bare feet pattered towards the bed. 

"I know you're not sleeping, I can see you smiling." 

You laughed as he lifted the covers and crawled on top of you.  "You'd better get over here and kiss me Jeongguk." 

His lips announced his homecoming as they connected with yours. His hand drew through your hair and caressed your cheek. 

You pulled back at the strange sensation. "What's this? Why are you wearing a glove? Jeongguk are you hurt?!" 

He rolled onto his back and held his gloved hand up. "This is my surprise!" 

You looked at him puzzled, "I don't get it." 

Sliding the fabric off his hand he slowly revealed his newly inked fingers, the inflamed writing spelled out ARMY across his knuckles. 

"Oh my God, thats so fucking hot!" 

He smiled at your praise. "You really like it? I can't wait for the fans to see how much I love them." 

You crawled on top of him, "When are you gonna show me how much you love me?" 

You ground yourself onto his hardening cock, "I need you to make me cum."

"Yeah? you need my fingers inside you baby?" 

"Please Kookie, I've been a good girl waiting for you." 

"Fuck, I love when you talk like that." 

He lowered his hand to your entrance, his fingers finding you wet in anticipation. Dipping his index inside you he hissed. 

His eyes grew big and apologetic, "shit...shit, I'm sorry. I'll be right back." 

He got out of bed and walked to the washroom. You could hear him running the faucet. The light flicked back off and he stood beside the bed. 

"You're gonna be mad." 

"Jeongguk, what's going on? I've missed you, why the hell aren't you fucking me right now?" 

He grabbed the discarded glove from the bed and slipped it back over his hand.

Realization hit you, "Oh for fucks sakes Jeon. How long till they heal?" 

His head dropped,"Three weeks.." 

The sex was good but… it was no squirting orgasm. 

It had been a week and a half plus the week he'd been gone. He felt bad.

Jeongguk loved to please you and even though you didn't complain he knew he could be giving you so much more. 

He walked into the living room where you lay on the couch and made a show of dropping his book loudly onto the coffee table. 

You picked it up and read the title, 

"Tantric Alchemy and Amrita: The Sacred Nectar of a good woman"

"Have you given up Overwatch for feminist studies?" 

He took it out of your hand and stretched out beside you. 

He flipped it open, "It says when a woman squirts, its a holy experience for her." 

You couldn't stop laughing at how serious he was.

"You've made me scream OH GOD on multiple occasions, im not sure why you needed a book to tell you that." 

"Don't make fun of me," he pouted. "I know you really like it when I make you squirt and I just want to understand so I can do it better." 

You held up his hand and looked at the Tattoos, "How much longer?" 

"Three more days baby, we're almost there. Wanna see what else I learned?" 

He flipped to the bookmarked page and read it to you.

"Tantric Kissing brings your makeout sessions to totally new, electric, and elevated levels. It allows you to experience flowing orgasmic energy with  outrageous passion between you and your kissing partner." He wiggled his brow and grinned.

Your panties were already wet.

"Jeongguk," you rubbed against him, "I'm more of a hands on learner. Why dont you teach me about it?"

You woke up in a great mood. Today was THE day! 

Jeongguk had left bright and early for rehearsal so you wouldn't see him until after the show tonight. 

Trying to distract yourself all day, your house had never been this clean. The anticipation building inside you was manifesting in your creamed panties. 

Y/N: Guk I'm gonna die...I cant wait any longer.

JK: Don't you dare touch yourself!

Y/N: You'd better take care of me

JK: I've got you baby girl.

JK: I changed the ending of Boy with Luv just for you...💜

Y/N: ?? Cant wait, see you soon.

He was a tease. Standing in the front row with your legs clamped together he danced for you.

Lifting his shirt, thrusting his hips, rolling his body, his hand falling conveniently over his cock. He knew exactly what he was doing. 

Almost at the finish line, you couldn't wait to get him home. The familiar ohs of Boy With Luv began and you watched as he flirted with you. You didn't want to wait, you wanted to be in the car already, getaway style. 

End...end...come on end...Boy with Luv…

He looked over his shoulder  directly at you and raised your two favorite fingers in the air. Holding the pose he winked and motioned with his head for you to get backstage. 

"Fucking finger guns Jeongguk? Do you want me to wet myself in public?" 

Not saying a word he grinned as he pulled you into a nearby green room and locked the door behind him. 

He backed you up animalisticly like you were prey until your legs found the edge of the couch.

"Guk..." 

He put his tattooed finger over you lips.  

You lay back on the couch as he knelt on the floor in front of you. 

Lifting your skirt he shook his head, "you haven't been wearing panties all night?"

You smiled sweetly and shrugged. 

Spreading you wide he went knuckle deep and pulled back out. "So fucking wet," he licked his finger. 

"Guk please, don't tease me anymore." Begging him, you were desperate to get off. 

He pushed his fingers into you and layed himself onto your chest. As his fingers stroked your sweet spot he whispered in your ear. 

"Remember the other day when we kissed for hours?"

You couldn't form sentences so you moaned in acknowledgment.

"How it felt like nothing else existed but us?" 

He lifted your leg to hit a deeper angle. 

"I want to give you that all the time." 

His lips moved warm and slow, his tongue dancing in your mouth as fireworks went off behind your eyes. His fingers, covered in cream were snuggly inside you, pressing, rubbing into a euphoric trance. He had you dizzy. 

His tongue swiped across your bottom lip, "can you cum for me?"  

You knew he was speaking but your brain couldn't decipher what the words were. 

As your hips involuntarily rose to press into his palm he increased his speed. Your legs were trembling and he knew it was imminant. Moving to the side he watched as pleasure took over and you released your cum onto the couch and the floor. 

"Thats my girl." 

Your head was reeling as you tried to regain your strength. He held out his hand to help you up. 

"Aren't you going to finish?" 

He pulled you into a hug, "Nope. I learnt a few things from my book, it's going to be a long night." 

He opened the door just as Jimin was walking by. Eyeing you both  suspiciously up and down he looked into the room. "Is everything okay? Why are you wet.. why's the floor wet?" 

Jungkook shrugged, "Sometimes we have waterfights."

[red-riot-rat]

ＲＥＱＵＥＳＴ:  yo can you do headcanons for tsu, jirou and toga with an s/o that gets caught up in chaotic situations (like accidentally setting a firework stand on fire) and is like a really big dumbass

-

HEY HEY!! Me irl FKJNG

Ｇｅｎｒｅ：FLUFF/CHAOS

𝙒𝙖𝙧𝙣𝙞𝙣𝙜𝙨: cursing,,,,, 

𝘗𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘴: THEY/THEM (GENDERNEUTRAL)

AN: me watching puppet history on repeat for days on end?? Yes also why the fuck are these everywhere i am so sorry

-

-

【Ｔｓｕｙｕ　Ａｓｕｉ】

Has no idea how you do this shit??

LIKE WHAT???

You were literally just vibing right, and then

She got up

Was gone for like maybe a minute

And thats at the most

And she comes back to the couch you guys were sitting at

And fucking suddenly

You were holding the fire extinguisher

But

The fire extinguisher was on fucking fire???

Like burst in flames

And you just kinda stared at the fucking fire can in your hand

The fucking,,,,

What??

“Kero? Do you need me to get Todoroki-kun?” is all she will say because she is

FUCKING BAFFLED

Fucking b a f f l  ed 

Like fr

The machine made to put out fire

Is now

On fire?

She doesnt really know how you do it, 

She’ll turn her back to you and suddenly

Midoriyas broken his arm and your hand is wrapped around his wrist

Ochakos floating to the ceiling as you hold onto her foot like shes a fucking balloon

(shoutout to squishy for that,, Ochako Uraraka is a balloon now,,,)

She honestly??

They make good stories to tell,,

But what in the fuck??

-

【Ｋｙōｋａ　Ｊｉｒō】

Fucking LAUGHS HER GODDAMN ASS OFF

LIKE

SHE LOVES THAT YOU FIND YOURSELF IN UTTER CHAOS WITHOUT TRYING

WILL MAKE FUN OF YOU FOR IT ,,, R E LE  N T L E S S L Y

Fucking youre studying?

“Hey baby? Remember that one time you set a fire-” Cut her off for dear gods sake

You guys were on a walk,,, it was like around 3 am,,

Both of you guys had energy drinks, shes a monster addict fight me

And she was taking a photo of the moon, and full ass screamed as fireworks and Bang Snaps went off

(btw they’re just like fireworks that when they go off its really loud and have a little explosion) 

Fucking whips her head around and sees you just standing there, back facing her as the stand of fireworks

Just fucking has a goddamn lights show

She has to grab your wrist and drag you away asap,,,,

Y’all are heroes,,,,, you CANNOT get caught by the cops at 3 am as the town has a fucking firework show

You guys run so fast, shes fucking freaking out and you’re laughing your ass off

Eventually

You’ll stop,, youre close to fucking crying sdfndg

AND SHE JUST FUCKING STARES AT YOU

Like

She cant tell if shes like angry,, or just fucking thinking about how much she loves your crazy ass

But fucking breaks out laughing n e way

You sit on the sidewalk for at lEast 5 minutes, fucking cracking your asses off

And you have to explain what happened,, 

She fr doesnt care how or why it happens,

She just fucking loves it

-

【Ｈｉｍｉｋｏ　Ｔｏｇａ】

(i couldnt really think of a situation,, so here are just some normal headcanons also shes so pretty in this gif???)

Is literally

Always going to join in with whatever's happening

Full ass

Doesn't know how it happens, and will never ask

But will always whip her knife out, and join in

Even if she doesn't need the knife,

Its out

Sometimes she can drag Dabi into it as well

Will wreck havoc with you and whatever fucking chaos you got yourself into

ACTUALLY

Will make it so more chaotic than it was

Normallysomeone gets stabbed, 

Or she steals someones blood just for the hell of it

Takes a photo everytime something happens

Smiles like a madman in it and shows the background more than her face most of the time

Prints them all out,, makes a photo wall btw

(im so sorry these are so short babes)

[coyotesongwriting]

When It Rains, It Pours - Ch. 12

Avengers - Bucky Barnes/Reader

Chapter 12 -   Repercussions

Story Summary:  Things are going great between you and Bucky, until one day they aren’t. He dumps you, not knowing that what you’d wanted to talk to him about was the positive pregnancy test you held behind your back.

Chapter Summary: Things with Bucky didn’t go too well, so now what are you supposed to do?

Author’s Note: Thank you guys for reading this, all mistakes are my own! TBH I feel like this isn’t one of my best chapters and I planned on fixing it a little before posting but I’m waiting on the results from a writing thing today and I’m way too nervous so sorry if it’s a little more rough around the edges

Disclaimer: I don’t own the characters so don’t sue me please. I just really like them haha

Tag List (if you want to be added or removed let me know!):    @he-is-chaotic-she-is-psychotic @queenoftheunderdark  @samsgoddess @redfoxwritesstuff​ @iheartsebastianstan​ @alexakeyloveloki​ @fookingmuffins​ @yasnooshka24​ @redfoxwritesstuff​ @amazon-belle​ @shootingstarsaretearsofheaven​ @kinkywitchy​ @superwonderwholock​ @redhairedfeistynerd​ @paranoiadestroyah​ @cool-kids-cant-be-dead​ @sarcastic-and-cool​

Previous Chapter

It had been two weeks since you’d learned the truth about why Bucky had broken your heart. You’d returned to Asgard with Thor, and had quickly fallen back into your routine. No one had seen hide nor hair of Loki, and you were more grateful than you knew how to say. Thor had told Sif and the Warriors Three what had happened, and they’d been doing their best to keep you distracted. 

“Come on, [Y/N]. Stop being so distracted or I will actually hurt you” Sif said, leaning down to offer you a hand up. She’d thrown you over her shoulder and you’d landed, winded, on your back.

You mumbled an apology as she pulled you to your feet. You brushed the dirt off and got back into position but within a few minutes you were on your butt again and she was glaring down at you. You really were trying to pay attention, but your thoughts kept wandering back to Bucky.

“Alright, That’s it. We’re talking this out. What is making it so much worse today?” She asked arms crossed over her chest as she waited for you to answer.

“I’m sorry. Just… it’s been two weeks, Sif” you sighed

“I get it, but what’s so special about that?” 

“On Midgard, in families who aren’t together, the kids tend to see the other parent at least every two weeks and I want to be fair to Bucky so I need to take her to see him but I don’t want to see him” you rushed out, frowning at her.

“Simple? Send her with Thor. That way, you don’t have to see him!” she shrugged.

“I can’t do that. He’s an Avenger and I’ve already put him in a bad spot with the others because he hid her and I don’t want to make it worse if I don’t have to. Besides, if something happens while they’re there, he’d have to sit out to watch her and that’s not fair to the others. So, I can’t just send Aspen with him” 

“How long would you want her to spend with him?”

“I dunno? Eventually, I’d like him to see her for a weekend at a time but I’m not there yet so I think just a day trip would be good…”

“I’ll take her then, problem solved” Sif grinned at you.

You blinked slowly, “Wait, what?”

“It’s easy. I’ll go with Thor to Midgard and take Aspen, she can spend the day with her dad and I’ll make sure she’s safe if anything happens, and then we’ll come back. That way you don’t have to face him yet, she gets to see her dad, and I can meet more of your old team”

“Sif… thank you for the offer but I don’t know if I feel comfortable having Aspen off-world without me” you chewed your lip as you thought.

“Look [Y/N], I know you trust me, right? Hell, I was the first person you told that you were pregnant, so I know you do. You also trust me to watch your back in a fight and watch Aspen here. Unless something goes wrong, we’ll be with Thor and the Avengers the whole time, and if something does happen, well, we’ll come right back. I promise, I won’t let Aspen out of my sight for a moment” 

For a long moment, you said nothing, your thoughts racing. Eventually, you nodded shooting her a grateful smile, “Thank you Sif. It would mean the world to me.”

She smirked, “I know. Now, can you please focus on training?”

~~~~~~

“Thor, Aspen, and a guest have arrived. They’re on their way up now” Friday’s voice echoed throughout the now empty living room.

Ever since the day you’d left, again, everyone had been on edge. Everyone was dancing around Bucky, trying to stay out of his way or cheer him up. Even Steve was worried about Bucky, he’d never seen that look of utter loss on his face before. Now that Bucky knew the truth, knew how he’d been played by Loki, he couldn’t stop wishing he could go back in time to undo what he’s said. The regret was eating away at him, and now that he knew about Aspen, it hurt him even more to not know when he’d see her again, so when Friday announced her arrival he was on his feet and waiting for the elevator doors to open.

When the elevator doors opened, Bucky took a slight step back when he realized you weren’t with them. He’d never expected you to let Aspen go anywhere without you. Even when he’d been on Asgard with her, you’d always had to know where he was or you started worrying. The fact that Aspen was here with someone else, reminded him just how bad he’d really screwed up. 

Lady Sif was holding a wriggling Aspen against her side, her gaze studying the room quickly when the doors opened. Her eyes narrowed at the sight of Bucky so close to the elevator doors, but she’d promised to be nice to him, at least for Aspen’s sake. Even so, she stepped out of the elevator before Thor and brushed past Bucky to walk into the main lounge. 

“I have a special delivery” she grinned and held up the wriggling Aspen, speaking to Nat and Clint, recognizing the duo from all the stories you had told her. 

Nat smiled back and reached out to take Aspen, “Thank you…?” her voice trailed off, asking for a name.

“This is Lady Sif, and she graciously offered to help me keep an eye on Aspen today” Thor offered, standing next to her. 

“Didn’t know you needed a babysitter” Tony smirked.

“[Y/N] was more worried about you guys than him” Sif responded with a playful shrug.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Clint muttered, sitting on the floor with Nat to play with Aspen. Bucky was still standing awkwardly by the elevator door, and Steve had to motion for him to get his butt over there before he moved. 

“How’s she doing?” Bucky asked as he walked up to Thor.

Before Thor could respond, Sif stepped forward her voice determined as she spoke, “How she’s doing is none of your business, Bucky Barnes. You made your decisions, now deal with them. She asked me to bring Aspen for a day trip, so might I recommend spending time with your daughter instead of asking questions you have no right to?”

The room waited with bated breath to see how Bucky would take this stranger’s comments. Bucky’s hand tightened into a fist and Steve started to get to his feet, but just as soon as it started, Bucky released the fist. He brushed past her and joined Natasha and Clint on the floor with Aspen, and conversation slowly started back up.

As early afternoon rolled around, Aspen was ready for her nap. Bucky picked her up and began to head to his room, stopping when he saw Sif following him. 

“Can I help you” he grumbled, trying to be polite and failing miserably.

“No. I promised I wouldn’t let Aspen out of my sight so..” she shrugged, and waited for him to get moving again.

“Does she really think I’d let anything happen to her?!” he asked Sif, his voice a mix of heavy desperation and anger.

Sif shook her head as Aspen shifted in her dad’s arms, “No, it’s not like that. She was worried you’d all get called away on a mission and if you need Thor, she wanted to make sure someone was around to take her home.”

Once Aspen was safely napping on the bed Tony had helped Bucky get for her in his room, Sif motioned for Bucky to join her in the hall. Curiously, he followed her and waited as she shut the door almost all the way behind her.

“Alright, look. She’d kill me if she found out about this, got it? But if everything works out, ya gotta tell her.” Sif started, and after Bucky nodded in agreement she continued, “Loki’s an asshole and we’ve all suffered at his pranks before. From what she and Thor have said of you, and what I saw today, you’re just another fool paying the price because of him. And if that’s the case, I want to help. She’s miserable without you, Bucky. But, before I decide if I’m going to help, I need you to convince me why you deserve another chance with [Y/N].”

Bucky stood in silence for a moment before he responded, voice cautious, “You really want to help?” 

“Depends on if you convince me you’re what she needs.” Sif answered, “Tell me why I should help you get her back.”

“The truth is? You shouldn’t” Bucky sighed, “She’s right to be mad at me. I don’t blame her at all. She always told me how much she loved me and how much I meant to her. But she was avoiding me, and I let Loki get into my head. And then I convinced myself that she would be better off without me so I shouldn’t fight her on it. Which then turned into I should break up with her first so she wouldn’t feel guilty about it. I should have talked to her. If I could go back in time, I’d tell Loki to fuck off and go talk to her, tell her everything. It kills me to know everything I’ve missed out on with Aspen. Her first words, her first steps, all of that gone because Loki tricked me and I didn’t just talk to her.”

He took a breath before continuing, “Truth be told, she deserves someone who will be there for her when the going gets tough. Someone she can rely on and trust. Above all, someone who will listen to her and talk to her about stuff… I don’t deserve [Y/N]. I don’t deserve her soft hugs after a long mission, the way she can be utterly exhausted but always finds the energy to make sure everyone else is okay first, her gentle kisses when someone’s watching and the way she steals my breath when no one is. So, Sif, I can’t tell you why you should help me get her back. But I can say, if you do, I won’t keep things from her. I’ll do my best to make sure she’s happy and I won’t ever let her go”

Silence reigned over the hall for a few minutes before Sif made up her mind. She grabbed his hand and shook it, “I’ll help. But if you hurt one hair on her head ever again, you’ll pay with your life. Do you understand, Bucky?”

“What’s the plan” He asked, voice cautious.

“Just leave it to me. You keep your head low but when the time comes, you tell her what you just told me. And don’t forget, once everything has settled, you have to tell her about this or you’ve lied again and you’re on your own. I won’t help you again.”

Next Chapter ->

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[wormssss]

so. basically. tl;dr i ffuucking hate school it sucks and it doesnt. do ANYTHING but make things worse . anyway.

the schooling system like. it sucks for me specifically in a few ways idk abt anyone else. for starters; neurodivergency literally at all makes it so hard to function in a classroom environment. its so loud? idk if anyone else gets that in their classrooms but you can hear my class of 23~ from the bottom floor of the 3 story building and that’s considered quiet. as well as like, i cannot function in a classroom without my friends? im out at school and like.... everyones.. transphobic obv why wouldnt they be, and its not in like a..any avoidable way. if i sit with the guys they’ll refuse to talk to me and deadname me all period adn if i sit with the girls theyll laugh at me every time i fucking breathe idk, but the school still thinks putting me in a classroom with kids that visibly hate me and see me as a CRINGE ENTERTAINMENT IRONY MACHINE is like a good idea? and a good way for me to make friends? i dont know if its my luck or if they’re deliberately doing it, but, next term for example i have drama and cooking as classes. two of my friends also have cooking ....but they dont have me in their class. they’re together. but im not in their class. im on my own because other than them and the girl who already did cooking these past two terms (so she cant do it next term) i have.... no other friends. so im definitely in a class of complete strangers! and the way they have this school, you have no choice but to work with someone else in a cooking class...... you are paired with someone in the same mini kitchen and its a disaster but i digress.

also, like. school goes for 6 hours. by the time you get home and get changed and get settled, its sunset so you can’t go out and do anything. you can’t go to the park or climb a tree. youre stuck inside. your family is like groggy from work or whatever and doesnt want to talk to you. you have no energy to get online and talk to your friends online. or theyre asleep. so basically at least for me i get... no time to actually talk to my friends, for example i havent had an actual conversation with piper in like... two months i swear. we’ve forgotten how to talk to eachother and that actually goes with all of my friends. by the weekend we’re still awkward because we havent spoken in months so we can’t really even talk. and because of this rigid like, routine you have to have to actually be able to go to school at all (wake up 7. eat. get dressed. go to school. come home. get changed. eat. shower. go to bed. repeat), i actually like.... find myself. forgetting Everything. i dont know what it is about strict routine where i cannot be myself (my school has a strict and ugly uniform), but it makes me ... completely forget everything slowly and my memory decays. my time blindness gets worse to the point where i dont know what month it is on a regular basis and like... i ditch a lot? because of this? maybe if the schedule didnt make me dissociate and forget everything i wouldnt ditch constantly and like. actually go to school. but like my attendance is... im not at school 25% of the time because i physically cannot go every single day and attend to that rigid and exact cycle that doesnt even teach me anything

doesnt even teach me anything? i dont ... learn anything from school. they like. reteach the same meaningless part of a subject every single year. every year in religious studies in october i learn about the rosary and we spend a lot of the period praying the rosary and i like. ok. cool. its a religious school yeah but what am i actually learning from this. and every year in social studies we learn abt the waitangi treaty but the way they teach it is so whitewashed and utopian and its fucked and they teach it the same way every year around the same time. and anzac day. and in math im not going to use any of those skills you teach me, i dont care about algebra or anything because thats not really going to actually help me in my life im an artist for fucks sake teach me about managing my own finances! teach me how to do taxes! teach me how to function in the society i live in! teach me the important things that ill sink under or die without knowing i want to actually know important things but by cramming so many unimportant things in my brain all the time i forget the actual important things, i fucking failed basic addition and subtraction last year, i’ve forgotten division and multiplication past the 10 times table, but i can vaguely read an algebra equasion BUT FUCKING ALGEBRA EQUASIONS WILL NEVER UFCKING GET ME ANYWJERE!!!!! and it makes me so fucking angry i want to learn and function and KNOW

and the way they tightly bundle everyone to being one conforming individual who dresses like everyone else, is at the same intelligence level as everyone else, is a catholic like everyone else, does not question authority as everyone else or does not question themselves like everyone else or think like anyone else OR BE DIFFERENT THAN ANYONE ELSE makes me want to FUCKING THROW UP. there are so many hopes and dreams that i remember watching from primary school to now sink into a hopeless pit of stereotypes and basic conformity, people who used to be nice are suffocated into being horrible people so that theyre liked by their peers or get anny attention from the school at all, guys who used to respect women (god forbid) suddenly becoming horrible to anyone of any slightly different gender identity but you can actually see on their face how weird it is to them, waves of 11-14 year olds getting nose studs that get infected and they’re forced to have them taken out by the school, kids trying to do their makeup to look like SOMEONE to BE AT ALL DIFFERENT FROM ANYONE ELSE are put right back in their place and told to take it all off and their parents are called and if youre caught with the wrong jacket your parents are called and youre told youre too poor to wear what the school provides yet THEY DONT EVEN LET YOU WEAR WHAT THE SCHOOL PROVIDES WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS 70 DOLLAR HOODIE FOR WHEN YOU WONT LET ME WEAR IT WHILE IM SHIVERING I DONT SEE THE POINT OF ENFORCING SUCH TIGHT POINTLESS SMALL BOUNDARIES OF WHAT A PERSON CAN BE WHY IS IT SO LIMITED? are we not allowed to do anything? you cant even have one strip of hair dye yet a teacher can have a full head of bright purple hair what’s that about? you can have antisemetic pins on your senior year blazer jacket but the second you put a pride pin on there youre called to the principals office and asked why youre promoting this to kids

you try a speech on trans rights and they dont even pass you and pretend its because you got over the time limit but you didnt, you timed it yourself for your friends you didnt get over the time limit and you know it but you didnt even place in fourth you placed last out of 6 or 8 and you wonder why that is because every year in the past you soared into first so whats that about???? in my speech i said be yourself and dont be afraid to experiment with your gender lightly and they told me to take it out because its seen as too much and i said what the fuck? that’s the most important part of my speech, i want to promote acceptance in others and the self and they said take it out or you cant present your speech. they actively suffocate any sort of self expression or nonconformity of any sort you have to be a plain cookiecutter boy or girl and thats it you cannot be anything else, for nearly 6 months theyve fought me and my mom about my hair but if anyones being hurt by it its me because it draws more attention to the kid you can call slurs, are you hurt because im actually expressing myself? are you hurt by my little sharp stud earrings and my industrial piercing and the embroidered cuff on my shirt? are you offended by the heart on my belt or the platforms on my school shoes because the last time i checked none of these were illegal things to have at school

this kind  of got a lot angrier than i meant to make it but ive been . really angry abt this for the past year idk. i really just wanted to write this because i ahvent spoken to piper properly in months and the way we talk now seems like when we just met but i cannot carry a conversation anymore because school knocked the wind out of me all over again and the sudden inability to talk to any of my friends online makes me want to scream until my lungs give out im so tired

[ajoy3fanfics]

Missing pt. VI

PT.V

Also found on FF.NET 

Tag list: @cstorm86 @shadykit  

AN: Surprise picture of what I’ve been up to at the end!

~.~

It looked like his entire body wilted; ears drooped, shoulders sagged, the phone he had fought so hard for looked heavy in his limp hand. All of him looked utterly defeated, a sight so polar opposite from the feisty hanyou who prided himself on his strength. Miroku thought back to the time he has visited Inuyasha on a job site, purposefully coming early to catch a glimpse of his best friend and possibly embarrass him; He found him in the center of the action, the construction sight little more than dirt and steel, Inuyasha hoisting up the heavy metal himself, then bracing it as his employees came round to assist. Finishing quickly, he called for his crew to go to lunch, walking over to him with sweat on his brow and a smile. He looked more like a god with his Herculin strength than a half demon; In that moment, Miroku was convinced he was invincible. Now Inuyasha looked like a shell of the man he once was. Miroku stood in the doorway, unsure of what to do next or how to approach.

“Did you know?” The hanyou asked, gaze fixated on the wall in front of him. Miroku swallowed hard before answering.

“Kinda. Sort of.” Miroku combed his hands through his damp hair.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Inuyasha asked wearily.

“Oh, yeah, I’m going to be the one to break it to guy who just got released from the hospital with brain trauma that the ex girlfriend he’s fixated on has started dating.”

When Inuyasha made no signs of movement, he wondered if what he said registered at all. Sighing, he walked to the dresser, leaning against it. “I knew she was seeing someone. I’m not sure how serious it is.”

That finally got Inuyashas attention; he turned lethargically to look at him. When he said nothing, Miroku continued on, desperate to ease the tension.

“I know she’s gone out a few times with him, that’s whats Sango said at least.” Hearing her best friends name, the dog demons ears perked up.

“What does Sango say about him?” He asked. Miroku pressed his lips together, letting out a long winded hmmmm.

“Honestly?” He asked. Inuyasha nodded, saying nothing. “She thinks he’s okay. A little conceited perhaps, but Sango thinks hes good for her. She needed to move on. And he…he seems to really like Kagome.” He finished with a shrug.

“But does Kagome likehim?” He blurted in a rush, the first burst of energy he had seen in a while. His golden eyes seemed bright and fragile, like Mirokus answer could make or break him. He knew he had to tell him the truth, give him a dose of reality, but he had to do it delicately.

“Dude, she wouldn’t be seeing him if there wasn’t somethingshe liked. Maybe it’s best to let her go.” He crossed over to the bed, taking a seat near his oldest friend and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. “Kagome was a mess when you guys split. She’s finally putting her life back together.  Maybe you should just let it be, you know? She’s moving on and you can too. If you don’t want it to be with Kikyo fine, but-”

Inuyasha let the words rattle around his brain as he let Miroku prattle on, paying very little attention to what he was saying. Once he suggested he should stop pursing Kagome he had very little interest in hearing the rest. Knitting his brows together as he tried to piece together this fucked up mess he was in. So Kagome was with some guy, and was probably happy. Probably.

When they were together there was no question as to how she felt. She was always giving him smiles, small touches that were discrete yet intimate, just enough to let others know she was his, and he was hers. They were happy together, he knewit. He would come home from work, still sweaty and dirty despite cleaning up before leaving, and she would never shy away from his embrace, laughing as she shriveled up her nose, directing him to the shower with a playful push. They would go to bed together, sometimes separate, yet still wake up tangled in each other. And as for the bedroom-  well, he could stake his life on it that she was happier with him. He brought his attention back to Miroku, still in the middle of his sermon.

“-There’s plenty of other women out there, man. Kagome’s great and all but its time to move on.”

Seriously? He was telling him to let Kagome go off and be with some asshole, just like that?

“You want me to let her go?” He spat. “No way in Hell.”

Miroku frowned. “You already did. I know you don’t remember man, but the world has kept spinning. It’s been a long time for all of us since you two split. Its not fair to her to put this on her, not when she’s finally getting over you.”

Was he being selfish? It wouldn’t be the first time he was accused of it.

But the idea of letting Kagome go…

He wasn’t sure he could do it.

From everything he’d gathered, their break up hadn’t been easy on Kagome;

“I don’t know if I can do it. I don’t know if I can let her go. Especially to some conceited prick. I cant give her to him.” His voice was raw, cracked.

“She’s not yours to give away.” His tone was firm. “She’s not a toy or something you own; she makes her own choices, Inuyasha.” Its not like this was easy on her either.” Miroku sighed. “Even as hurt as she was, she still came running to see you in the hospital. I’m sure she still has some lingering feelings for you- it would make sense. But shes just starting to move on.“ Miroku’s voice grew sterner. “Maybe you could get to her. Maybeyou could break her and this guy up, and squeeze your way back in her heart. But does she deserve that? Doesn’t she have a right to be with who she wants? Just because you cando something, doesn’t mean you should.”

Maybe he was right.

Maybe he should let her be. He knew in his heart, in his gut, his soul called for her; that if he somehow recovered his memories he wouldn’t regret his choice to send Kikyo away, to try and pursue Kagome to the ends of the Earth.  As certain as he was that shewas who he wanted… He couldn’t say the same for her. Did she even want him? Back then, without a doubt, but now…? Who the hell was he to judge for her? The details of their demise were sparse, but he obviously did a number on Kagome. If he did half the things she and Miroku were saying he did, what right did he have to love her? Should he let her go?

It would hurt like fucking Hell.

Inuyasha looked down at the phone in his hand, the picture of Kagome still lighting up the screen. She was wearing a white summer dress, a floppy sun hat shielding her from the harsh sunlight. She was in a field of sun flowers, the yellow glow surrounding her, a stranger with blue eyes and a white smile by her side. She had asked him to go with her, practically beggedhim to. He dismissed the idea easily, not wanting to go just for a pictures sake. Kagome had insisted that they could pick the flowers, that the farm looked like it came out of a dream, but Inuyasha was unmoved.

She looked spectacular; he wished so badly he had gone with her then, taken the time to do the little things. And she was right; the pictures were amazing- shelooked amazing. Studying the picture, he couldn’t help but wonder: is she happy?

“I swear I know this fucker from somewhere.” He grunted, finally pulling his eyes from the image of her. Every time he saw it, it felt like his heart was shattering. He was afraid to scroll further; he didn’t know how he’d handle if it if he saw her in the arms of another man, another demon.

“That’s Koga.” Miroku supplied. “They work together. He’s the gym teacher at her school.”

Fuck.

So she spent her entire day, Monday through Friday around this guy? Was he making moves on her while they were together? Did he try anything? That fucker probably slipped right in when they broke up. He probably saw an opportunity and pounced. He-

“Slow your roll.” Mirkoku cut through his spiraling thoughts. “I can already see where you’re going with this. You’re going to give yourself wrinkles if you think this hard.” Miroku stood up and promptly grabbed the phone from his hand. “She met him a like 2 months ago. He’s a new teacher at her school.”

Inuyasha frowned. For some reason, that didn’t make him feel better.

“Come onnnn.” Miroku drew out the word. “You’ve been given a second chance at life here! A do over!  Any mistakes you made In the last six months, fuck, you don’t even remember them! We should be celebrating. It’s a miracle your alive, and okay. We need to be living it up. So what if Kagomes dating. You should date too!” He was practically bursting with energy. “I’ll take you to a singles bar.”

“Pass, thanks.” He commented quickly, immediately disliking the idea. His best friend laughed, knowing what his reaction would be. The fact that he didn’t say ‘I’m not single, asshole’ was already an improvement on their earlier conversations.

“Just think about it. If you’re going to disrupt her life, make sure its worth it. Now in case you didn’t notice, I need to finish getting ready, so get out.”

As he was pushed out of the bedroom (literally) Inuyasha couldn’t help but wonder:

Should he let her go?

He knew he didn’t want to. Everything in him screamed not to.

But was it just selfishness?

For the first time, he needed to asked himself “what is best for Kagome?”

He wasn’t sure he was going to like the answer.  

AN:: I got a puppy and hes perfect! The next week I’ll be pretty slammed with work, but I will do my best to get another chapter out! Hope you enjoyed it!

[calucadu]

You’ll be the deaf of me

You’ll be the deaf of me, a Boku no Hero Academia/My Hero Academia One Shot.

Summary: “You’re going deaf, aren’t you, Bakugou?” Kirishima said very faintly, noticing how the blond had his eyes on his lips. He frowned slightly. He wasn’t denying it. And not denying it meant it was probably true. In Bakugou speech.

Pairings: Bakugou/Kirishima.

Characters: Bakugou Katsuki, Kirishima Eijirou.

Rating: Teen and up

Read on AO3

Or read below the cut

The first thing that Kirishima noticed was that Bakugou always went to the teacher’s room after classes. He wasn’t spying on his best friend. Of course not, he was just looking out for him and making sure everything was fine.

But now Eijirou was curious. What could his best friend be asking his teachers every day? Was it about extra material? Until Kirishima noticed Bakugou didn’t take notes in class. So maybe, instead of extra material, maybe he asked the teachers for what the lessons had been that day?

But then, why would the teachers comply?

Something smelt fishy, really fishy.

Kirishima didn’t think he was the smartest in class, no, far from it, but when he realised that he could do something for Bakugou if he understood what was going on, he decided to use all his brain power to figure it out.

And then, he started noticing small things about Katsuki. Like the way his eyes would always immediately drop to someone’s lips whenever that person started talking.

So, it finally dawned on Eijirou. And it made sense.

“So?” Bakugou asked, unimpressed. He’d seated himself on the redhead’s bed, crossing his legs patiently.

“You’re going deaf, aren’t you, Bakugou?” Kirishima said very faintly, noticing how the blond had his eyes on his lips. He frowned slightly.

“Huh? What did you say, Shitty Hair?”

And then something else clicked inside Eijirou’s brain. The nicknames.

“It’s your explosions, isn’t it?” Now the volume was normal, perhaps slightly elevated, to help his friend out.

“What about my explosions?”

“They’re making you lose your hearing.” Kirishima spoke. He was nervous, hoping in the very pit of his soul that he was wrong.

Bakugou was silent. The frowning persisted, and his lips just pursed some more, but he said nothing.

“You don’t take notes in class. You visit the teacher’s room when classes are over. You don’t call people by their name, you always have a nickname for them, like you didn’t catch their name and didn’t want to damage your pride by putting yourself in a situation where people could figure out what was wrong. Plus your quirk is hella loud, dude.”

“The left one is worse.” He just mumbled. He avoided the redhead’s gaze and squirmed in his seat.

He wasn’t denying it. And not denying it meant it was probably true. In Bakugou speech.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Kirishima asked, trying to hide the pain in his voice. Why couldn’t his friend count on him? He could take notes for him, help him out. Be extra loud and subtly encourage everyone around him to be it too so that Katsuki could have an easier life. But no, the sulky blond had to be extra prideful and just reject everything, especially help coming from his friend.

“Why didn’t I tell you!?” Bakugou snapped, his explosions erupting from his palms, but Eijirou wasn’t fazed. “Why would I tell you?”

“Because we’re friends! Because I can help!” Kirishima threw his head back, letting the wave of frustration roll over him.

“You can’t help!”

“Yes, I can!”

“No, you cannot fucking help! What are you going to do about it!? You don’t even know! The fucking nightmares made it worse! I exploded my hands against my ear for fuck’s sake! It’s not like my hearing was any good anyway after years and years of loud fucking explosions!”

Bakugou had said so much. Explosions. Nightmares. Exploding in his sleep.

“I could… tie your hands down or something!” Kirishima tried to come up with something.

“No, you cannot fucking tie me down.”

Eijirou had an idea why, an inkling of what it could be. But he needed Bakugou to voice his fears.

Katsuki didn’t seem like he was going to, though.

The blond sighed, looking almost defeated.

“I started losing my hearing a few years ago because of how much I use my quirk. And then I started getting nightmares and I accidentally let them off in my dreams, trying to fend off imaginary shit and one time I had my hand next to my left ear. It rang for days and after that it’s never been the same.”

“Are the nightmares… because you got kidnapped?” Kirishima’s brow wrinkled, pity and sympathy in his eyes as he watched his friend closely.

A flash of anger crossed the other’s face, and the redhead knew better than to keep looking at him like that.

“I’m learning how to lip read. It’s a pain in the arse but I have to deal with it.” Bakugou spoke again eventually, his brow still furrowed. “You happy now, Shitty Hair?”

The next day, when Katsuki was about to get ready for school, he found someone had left a piece of paper on the floor. When he picked it up and looked over it, he realised Kirishima must have slid it under the door, either the night before or sometime that morning.

Sign language classes.

And, in Eijirou’s bad handwriting, a note that said: “Come with me! :D”

Bakugou scrunched the paper into a ball in his fist, his brow furrowing.

The redhead was especially loud that day. Bakugou had an idea why, and it was irking him like nothing else that boy had ever done before.

Strangely enough, Kirishima’s plan seemed to be working. When he was louder, the people around him were unconsciously louder as well. So he smiled at Katsuki, hoping he would share his enthusiasm with him.

He was met with a grimace.

Eijirou’s smile almost faltered.

That afternoon Kirishima stormed into Bakugou’s room like always, but he was carrying a red folder the blond hadn’t seen previously.

“I took notes for you in class!” The redhead chirped happily, opening it up and showing his best friend all of his hard work. “I tried to make it as clean and organized as I could, and did my best with my sloppy handwriting.”

Katsuki went over the notes, his face displaying his annoyance.

“They’re riddled with spelling mistakes, idiot.” He mumbled lightly, going over a specifically hard to read paragraph.

“Oh… I tried my best…” Kirishima’s smile wavered and he looked dejected. Bakugou almost felt guilty at his words.

“Well, they’ll help you study.” The blond muttered, turning his head away in embarrassment. “So keep doing them or whatever.”

A week later the redheaded ball of energy barged into Bakugou’s room, rambling on about something that the blond didn’t quite catch.

“Look Bakugou!” Kirishima smiled at him, waving his hands in the air excitedly. “I watched some videos online and I can sign a bit, wanna see?”

“Not particularly.” Came Katsuki’s answer, even if he was a teeny bit curious. Just a little bit. This didn’t deter his friend however, who immediately started to sign, his lips mouthing the words as his fingers and hands did the speaking for him.

“I said I can hear! But I can teach you how to express that you’re hard of hearing!”

Bakugou huffed in mock annoyance. It was getting hard to find all the things the blundering idiot was doing as irritating as they had before. Now, it was mostly… cute.

He scoffed at the idea that whatever the redhead was doing could ever be classified as cute in his mind, but he was eagerly yapping on about how waving his hands this way meant something, and waving them around like that meant something else, his eyes shining eagerly, a happy puppy look to them that was nearly endearing.

“We can go to the classes together! It seems like sooo much fun! I’ve always wanted to learn more ways of expressing myself! And if your hearing gets any worse I could interpret for you! Wouldn’t that be fun?” Kirishima was nearly shouting, his hands returning to his sides as they’d finished with their conversation.

Bakugou didn’t miss that Eijirou had said ‘if his hearing got worse’ and not ‘when’. Maybe it’d been to spare his feelings but Katsuki did appreciate it.

“Alright.” He muttered, crossing his arms over his chest. “We can go to the classes.”

Kirishima threw himself on top of the other, crushing him into a hug the blond nearly responded to. He swore he heard the redhead say something along the lines of ‘I knew you’d come round to it!’.

They were outside the room and Bakugou was hesitant about entering. Going inside meant he would be accepting the fact that he was going deaf, and that was something he was having trouble coming to terms with.

But Kirishima was smiling at him by his side, eagerness emanating off of him, almost jumping up and down on the spot. He would be going with him, despite the fact that his hearing was mostly unaffected.

And, as Eijirou offered him his hand for moral support, Katsuki decided that if his friend could take the plunge, so could he. Grabbing the palm laid out for him, he entered the class, adamant on proving the world that there was no stopping him.

[buckysgoldenheart]

Unprofessional: Part 3 Seb Stan x Reader

Summary: Starring in the same movie meant feelings between any two actors was not allowed.

Sebastian Stan x Reader

Note: 3/?

Warnings: Cursing and stuff. Probs some spelling mistakes. Same old, same old. Self-Body-shaming? Small chance that this is written weird and I just cant tell anymore.

Words: 2105

Hope you guys like it. Comments are appreciated!!!!

Part 3:

Seb P.O.V

Chris paused after taking a sip of his beer from his relaxed position on Seb’s apartments couch. “So, was it good? Or not good? Or what? Cause I don’t know, I feel like I wouldn’t be as upset as you’re are right now, but maybe I’m crazy.” He shrugged.

“You’re not crazy.” Anthony confirmed from his own spot next to the blond. “Seb is crazy.”

Blue-grey eyes flew wide at the blunt comment. Crazy? How am I crazy? “I’m crazy?! How the fuck am I crazy!?”

Anthony’s eyebrow rose an inch up his forehead, clearly saying without saying how idiotic of a question that was. “For complaining! Jesus man, did you see this girl!?” He whipped his phone out from his back jeans pocket, pulled up your picture from a website praising the upcoming film and the actors cast in it, and shoved it in Chris’s face.

Chris made no move to get a look, only nodded and took another swig. “I did, yea I know, she’s definitely hot.”

“HOT, Seb!”

Then the smartphone was turned face-front to Sebastian and extended as far as possible by Anthony’s long arm as if proximity would further prove his point.

Seb rolled his eyes, crossed his arms at his chest, and sighed in annoyance. “I know what she looks like.” It’s not like I could forget her if I tried.

“Are you sure? Cause you are not acting like a man who just kissed this woman a couple hours ago. You’re acting like a man who thought he was kissing this woman only to find out that it was actually a large dog once he opened his eyes.” Anthony slightly chucked.

“Oh, that was funny.” Chris grinned at his friend, who smiled back with pride.

“Thanks ma—"

“No, It wasn’t!” Seb yelled, throwing his hands in the air. “Guys! What. Do. I. Do!?”

“What do you mean what do you do? You do nothing. You’re gonna have to make out a lot before this movie is over.”

“Chris is right, Seb.” Anthony agreed, before a sly smirk took over his face. “Besides, she probably didn’t feel anything. Like kissing cardboard, I bet.”.

“I hate you.”

“Can’t hate us too much. If we’re gone you won’t have anyone to complain to about your ‘problems,’” The brown-eyed man curved his fingers in the air in the shape of a quote. “that every other living, breathing man would consider a blessing from the big man upstairs. I mean, she must have a lizard tongue or something. That’s the only conclusion I can come to as to why you would complain about this woman putting her mouth on yours.”

Chris made a face at the image that scrunched it unattractively, but chuckled. “Yea Seb, does she have a lizard tongue?”

“No, she does not have a lizard tongue! She’s--her tongue is…” Seb groaned and dropped his head in frustration. “…it’s fucking perfect.”

“Oh, well then I totally get why you’re so upset then.”  Anthony’s sarcastic tone once again rang out much to Sebs exasperation.

“I don’t know what to do.”

“What could you do?” Chris chimed. “You have to start filming tomorrow. Just do your job, man. She’ll do hers.”

“We are gonna have to kiss again.”

Anthony laughed, making Seb very nervous for his friend’s next words. “If it were me, I would just fuck up the scene every time, then I’d get to kiss her all damn day. Oh, and don’t even get me started on the sex sce--”

He immediately snapped his mouth shut at the glare directed his way that, with enough effort, could’ve burned a hole through a wall.

“You have no idea how close you are to death.” Seb said. If he thought he wanted to punch Anthony before, it was nothing compared to what he wanted to do to him now.

“I’m just saying…”

“Well stop ‘just saying.’ I took it too far, guys.”

Chris cleared his throat, drawing his friends’ attention to him. “Do you think she could even tell that you weren’t acting? The director basically asked you to kiss each other.”

“He asked us to get to know each other, but does what I described to you sound like a get-to-know-each other kiss?”

Though a sarcastic question, Seb wanted the answer to be ‘yes,’ hoping maybe Chris had similar experiences in the past; that this kind of kiss wasn’t unheard-of between co-stars or known to cause any problems between them.

“Maybe.” Chris replied, shrugging his broad shoulders. “You told her it would be a good idea to make it as accurate as possible for the sake of the scene, so where’s the harm? You did what you said you would do.”

The harm?! The harm is that she’s beautiful and funny and nice and sexy and kisses like a damn angel with a sinful side. “The harm is that I felt something I shouldn’t have.”

Anthony and Chris’s eyes blew wide and a moment passed as the men soaked in that information. They clearly knew Seb enjoyed kissing you, but feelings?

“Ok,” The blond said, drawling out the word. “The way I see it, you have two options: talk to her and see if she felt something as well and then figure out a way to put it behind you or ignore it completely.

Seb rubbed the back of his neck, his white t-shirt threatening to rip at the seam around his bicep. “I don’t know. Those don’t seem like helpful ideas.”

“How is that?”

“Because neither will make me forget what happened so I can do my job right.”

“Yea well, being wiped like Bucky Barnes doesn’t exactly happen in the world we’re in…I don’t think.” Anthony’s eyebrows scrunched together as he contemplated his statement. “Look, take it as a good thing. You guys have chemistry. That’s certainly not a curse when you’re acting sex scenes out with another person.”

“It would be a good thing if it was acting chemistry, but this is not that.” Seb fisted his fingers in his hair and tugged. “This is just bound to fuck me up. We kissed and I felt something and then she ran and now I’m fucked.” He said, almost sounding like he was getting ready to laugh; like he couldn’t believe he got himself into this situation.  

Anthony’s jaw dropped open. “She ran? What did you do?”

“Nothing, I don’t think.” Seb sighed, running a hand down his face. “Maybe I did. I have no idea. She just…left, like broke apart from me, pushed me away, and ran out the door; and now--”

Chris nodded in understanding and smiled in a way that didn’t quite reach his eyes. It was meant to be a comforting smile made just for his friend but didn’t exactly cut it. This situation was going to be more of a problem than he initially thought. “Seb, I get it, she’s beautiful, she really is, but you shouldn’t freak out over some, some…thing you feel that you don’t even know how to describe. That’s a waste of time and energy.”

“You don’t think I know that; that I don’t know how crazy I am sounding?” Seb pressed his palms into the pits of his eyes, forcing dark spots to cloud his vision. “Kissing her made my brain explode a little, Chris.”

“How does something only explode a little?” Anthony mumbled, and Chris swatted him across the arm as he listened Seb; watching as the brunette let his arms drop back to his sides.

“I didn’t want to stop.”

“You need to talk to her; get a sense of what she’s thinking. I know I said an option was to ignore it, but I you’re in deeper than I thought.”

Seb blinked a slow blink, his eyes staying closed for an extra beat to take in the words of his friend, his annoyingly, wise friend. “How are you always so damn sensible?”

Chris finished his beer and put it off to the side on the table, then chuckled. “It’s not like it didn’t take practice.”

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Y/N P.O.V 

Securing your purse at your shoulder, you walked across the dark pavement to the studio where you would have to have sex with Se—do your job, and you just wanted to run back to your tiny, safe Subaru and drive home. Your first day on the job, while supposed to be nerve-wracking and a little stressful, would not be for the reasons most were used to. There would be no scary boss or overwhelming amount of paperwork; no fear of mean co-workers or possible offending of customers.

Nearly at the door, you sensed some heavy footsteps from afar that quickly turned into a slight jog as they got closer.

“Y/N!”

You heard it somewhere behind you; the end half of your name louder and nearer than the beginning, but you didn’t turn until a strong hand was gripping your forearm with surprising softness and turning you to face its owner.

“Hey, I was calling you; you didn’t hear me?” Seb asked, his lips stretching into a sweet smile, but your face remained impassive, though not on purpose. After yesterday, you were just kind of out of it; awake all night, tossing and turning as you thought about this man’s lips, his perfect perfect lips on yours, the feel of his arms around you and his abs through both of your shirts when you pressed your bodies together.

“Uh, n-no—” You stuttered, because that’s what you only seemed to be able to do when he was around.

“I was hoping we could talk, just for a second.” His eyes were pleading and you didn’t want to deny him, but you had a feeling it was either about the ‘sex’ you would have to have today or the kiss you had yesterday. Who am I kidding, it’s about today. He probably never gave that kiss a second thought.

“Look, about yester—”

“Alright kids, you were supposed to be inside five minutes ago, so let’s get a move on. Get in there and strip. I want you on set in ten.”

You let out the breath you had been holding since those eyes linked to yours, while ‘Thank fuck for our director’ ran through your head about a million times in the ten seconds it took for you to turn from Seb and hurry towards the door, leaving him to stand there, disappointed.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Naked…just great.

You held open the small silk robe that barely covered your thighs and studied your body in the full-length mirror with dissatisfaction. They could make up your face and curl your hair until it looked just sexy enough to turn on any man, but…

What will they do about my body? CGI editing, or something?

Stretch marks and small scars and little red spots around your bikini line from shaving with the cheap razors you bought last week.

Women sexy enough to sleep with Seb, or any of his characters, do not have marks on their bodies.

However, you weren’t likely to develop silky, smooth skin within the next two minutes, so you tied your robe, sighing, and stepped outside the dressing room into a crowd of way too many people for you to be comfortable.

And there he was, just standing there like he wasn’t almost completely naked while a member of the crew placed something over his crotch so that what lay underneath never touched you. You shook your head to yourself for being slightly upset that that wouldn’t happen.

Then, a small woman with a headset appeared before you. She rushed out a string of words that you couldn’t comprehend as she ushered you towards the set. You did however, hear her tell you to slip off your robe to get prepped for the scene before she walked away and left you to wait for someone to help. You looked around at the scurrying people and at the giant bed you would have fake sex on, never noticing Sebs eyes grazing all over your barely covered body.

Five minutes later, you were standing a foot from Seb, thankfully with your robes back on, while the director explained the way the scene would go.

“So Y/N, you already admitted that you love Seb and the scene will start off with him kissing you against the wall over there,” He said, pointing to the far left of the set. “before you end up on the bed. Everybody got it?”

“Yea.” Seb said, but you only nodded. Luckily this wouldn’t require you to speak, just act.

“Ok people, robes back off please.”

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[uwcvoices]

shoutsout to emhlabeni, shoutsout to Jstor, shoutsout to the past

There are like these parties I go to now

They are not rad/lit/boh/whateverthekidsaresayingthesedays

They are nothing like these memories of Swaziland parties.

Those parties, they were literally magic. They are that warm feeling when you realize you like someone. these parties, They were like the speaker you paid money to get inspired from. They were like crying. They were like seeing an animal in the wild.

theyve got this like juice or power, or poison, or something which just never runs out and each time i go back to that memory its still got juice or power poison energy something to power this trip of a post i am writing

But my dreams- and this I want some audience engagement…-my dreams are 100% taking place in Swaziland… 2 years later. Does this happen to anyone else? I just want my dreams to happen where I am now. People from the NOW they are in SZ, the people from THEN are also in SZ. They kill each other, make love and do whatever else people do in my dreams. The place I am now, its not in my dreams, because not much is happening now. The world now is just like one zombie train where I am succeeding and failing and living life trying to do what quote quote “living” people do. But it all feels like someone put a sepia filter or something on it and the colors I see they are all quote quote again with the quotes “healthy” and I’m doing “great” and all but like things just dont feel real like they did in Swaziland.

But I get what I wish for.

2 years later, I’m still in Swaziland.

I’m going out here in the United States, you wouldn’t, I wouldn’t believe what I’m doing here. I’m trying to live on the edge, I’m doing everything in my power to live on the fucking edge where I see the deep dark edge of the world and realize the lowest you go on the ol’ totem pole aint so fucking bad and hey why don’t i one day drop out of school and whatnot and go like bottom rung the ole totem pole and just be a fucking spongebobu squarepantsu and be happy making my wage and frying patties and playing in the 21st century with liquid crystal displays, virtual realities, designer narcoexperiences and the freakin internet. Not to mention why don’t I Just Have KIDS. Oddly, that’s the me I’d be proud of, that’s the me, I’d show to friends at UWC reunions. The one thats just like ok, doing all right, the one you can talk to like a fucking human being.

There is this other me, the 21st century me, the INSERT NAME HERE (because I redacted), that is doing just what 2 years ago me hoped I’d be doing. this other me, he’s and now I have a gender in case you hadn’t guessed, he’s doing real well, so I’m scared to like tell my friends what I’m up to well, so when I go visit them I just say I’m struggling in college and its hard, though all my “vital signs” if you could do a real investigative bullshit checker show I’m A game, peaking, doing “allright+” that Im doing what we all dreamed we could do in IB.

Those dreams, the dreams we for some reason all decided should be like a communal dream, the ‘team 40, research position, ladeedadeeda, stable, square, moneyinthebank’ maybe we should have had different dreams. Because I’m visiting you and well, I talk and I ask you are things real?

And right now, you say, post IB, IB3,IB4IB5 now maybe? things are getting more real than ever, and I wonder… I just wonder.

Kanye West - Hell of A Life

I could start/end there

I just wish I was living one hell of a life, just once more

just once more, give me

a single room

a hallway of just seven owes (dudes for those not of the 2 readers from SZ who read this blog)

crappy food. Give me give me give me and everyone I know chicken and rice again, just for a while

give me no internet, i love the internet- too much and it feels wrong, i cant even fucking explain what 'not internet’ is like without sounding like one of those cliched 'fuck the grid’ people. you can’t try it, and i cant tell you to try it, you can just know i miss it, i miss it like i’d die young just for a couple more years of real rarity of information

give me real fucking vulnerability where I talk to people because I don’t know what to do

give me real uncertainty, where everything is possible and we can still be UWC mission statement-ers’ and like become famous Time(TM, the magazine)-influential-people for accomplishing UN-millenial-development-goals or whatever the hell it was we wanted to gain by accomplishing the mission statement. But we could also, as we’d seen so many just spin out, let the nerves, the life, the excitement, of it all distract us from what we were “there for” to get an “IB” and go to uni or whatever.

give me a real knock on the door moment,an oh hello moment,a can I just sit here in this tiny room so theres only the bed to sit on so I guess i’ll just sit on your bed and when I do the air pushed out from our cheap UWC™ mattresses creates a smell that is new, new, finding out about dinosaurs for the first time magic, and for some reason its a different smell from my UWC™ bed moment, give me a im just sitting here in this silence watching you work finishing whatever it was you were working on moment, give me a oh sorry about that, just had to finish up some CHEM how’s it going? moment, an im just like shit dude what even is life moment, a lets laugh quietly and you go back to CHEM moment, an I’m relaxed to the interbuddhadimensional realm just by that moment, a you have no idea why i dropped by your room or why im lost in my memories about some drama with someone that’s not you moment

give me hitchiking, with like a smirk on my face knowing my mom would die if she knew what the hell i was doing

give me friends who use me, because im not bitter like I am now or because I haven’t exhausted the ole generosity energies for the rest of my entire fucking life (when will i do community service again?)

give me a sneaking alcohol into hazi moment and drinking it straight sitting on the floor moment, a lets sing to afrohouse remixes of Bruno mars moment,

give me a im so glad im trapped in this place with you moment,

give me a Im going to make a pilgrimage to the one holy shower blessed with hot water moment

give me a seeing people lock their own doors because they just want to study so damn hard moment

give me an ending for christ’s sake

because the Swaziland story still goes on ~~~ UWC Waterford Kamhlaba Alumni

[danceingiceprincess]

My ocs for BNHA

I have like so many fucking ocs with so many different quirks its hard to keep track some times i may talk a lot about them. I wanna share them xD ive got

Usagi who has an ice quirk (she was my first one for BNHA) so her quirk is black ice with purple speckles (based of obsidian in minecraft) in it and its pretty more durable than normal ice. But if she uses it too much, her wrists, ankles and neckstart to frost. She tends to use her ice with her martial arts she learned. Cuz when she was younger she thought martial arts was very beautiful and wanted to learn it.

Kára whos got a medical creation quirk, she is obessed with Izuku and has known him sincechildhood and has said shes gonna marry him from like age 5. She comes off as obessive towards Izu. But like she just wants him happy. Even if its with someone else. She always going between sizes as her quirk works like Momos,but she can only create medical related stuff. Like one day she could be a size 18 (this is UK sizing btw) then after doing hero training shell end up a size 14-16. She eats a lot of food. I like to make her intern with fatgum cuz of this. Shes also got a very good memory. So she doesnt need a book with her like momo. Plus since her creation is limited she can decide what to make. She makes a lot of scalpels and uses then like throwing knifes. And cuz her mums side of the family is from norway. Her name is a of a valkyrie,shes decided her hero name is gonna be Valkyrie. Cuz why the fuck not.

Lisette whos got a strengh based quirk, she helps Aizawa teach 1A and her hero name is Helsing. She has such a huge sex drive tho. And has broken her bed more times then shed like to admit. Shes also English and Japanese. Her dad was British and her mums Japanese. Shes also got a cute pastel calico three legged kitty named Tripod. Aizawa may or may not be seen napping with tripod inbetween classes

Ive got two that have brain washing quirk, one happens to be shinsous twin called Hitomi and has the same limits as shinsou. And is in general studies. She wants to be a hero like Shinsou because everyone saying their quirk is suited for villians. She just wants to prove them wrong because pissed her off. But she doesnt look as dead as shinsou.

The other one is named Rosalina she needs eye contact and a vocal reply but shes a trained as a paediatric doctor after she found out she was infertile and started a new life in japan cuz her boyfriend dumped when it was found out she cant have kids. She ends up working with eri a lot

Athena who has dragon summoning (one of her dragons is totally in love with toshi. Its funny af. The drsgon whos called Rosie will let out a happy screech and go to toshi for fussing and cuddles and just wrap her self around his neck and whine if she has to leave) Shes greek and uses her name as her hero name. She actually keeps crime down pretty well in greece as noone wants to fuck with someone who is named after the goddess of wisdom and war. Which is a family thing as all first born children end up with a mark from a god or goddess and they have to have that as her name. She got Athenas owl and olive branch on her arm. I pair her with toshi and they end up with a little girl that has the mark of a really really low level god thats name is Nana. Class 1A love little Nana. Nana gives everyone nicknames if they have a hard name to say, Bakugo is Boom boy, iida is zoom zoom. Denki is called pika. Mina is called Pinky. Ochaco is called kitty. Cuz nana thinks her hands are cat paws. Nana adores bakugo tho. And tries to make him have nap time with her. So some classes hes sat there with Nana asleep on him cuz she starts crying if shes moved. Nana will cry if monama from 1B gets too close. Rest of class 1B is fine. She likes the mushroom girl and tetsu.

Ive made one whos hawks little sister called Evie, her feathers are a lot stronger than Hawks but she is so much slower than him. Like Iida is faster than her(she has the biggest crush on endeavour tho and has searched online for a replica of his dick. Tho weve given Hawks the name of Jacob because he reminds us a little of Jacob frye from assassins creed syndicate. Itll change of course when Hori gives us his name) if. Im rping with my friend shes in 1A. And because of. Peoples head canons with hawks. She has bird habits. Like sometimes she sees a rodent shell go for it and someone has to go to her and make her drop it. I based her wing colors off a red kite. (where i live we have a lot of them. Ive seen seven to ten at one time flying in an area near the windmill we have in the village. We also know where one couple of red kites nest is.) shes also good friends with tokoyami and she tried to tell "for fuck sake do not intern with hawks. Hes only doing it because you and him would make a full bird" he didnt believe her

Reiko whos a kitsune whos my friends ocs and endeavour secert love child, shes got all the physical attributes of a kitsune (expect every ten years she gains a new tail instead of the every 100 years. So she only got one single tail atm) but a mix of kitsune fire and endeavours hell fire. And for now if she uses up too much "energy" she turns back into a tiny fox and will whine so much until someone from her family picks her up. Shes bitten her fellow classmates before when theyve tried to pick her up. She only really trusts shoto, izuku, tenya and kirishima when shes in her fox cub form. And she stays like that for a day or two

Hotaru who has an eletric quirk and shes hard of hearing, shes a UA teacher for general studies mainly shell help out with hero courses if they need the help, she tends to give denki advice with his quirk. She also has a cockatoo she brings with her to UA. It likes to head bang with present mic she has a support item thats a tail she can direct all electrical discharge from. She uses it as a tazer mainly. But if she needs to tazer more than one person she discharged from it all over and ends up with a lot of muscle twitching. Shes mainly does undercover hero work with the police.

Then there is Oka who pretty much has a quirk thats similar to Mirajanes magic from Fairy tail. She can change into demons. Any kind. But not fully. Just parts of her body. It depends on her stamina a full transform takes so much out of her she can hold it for like 2 to 3 minutes. Shes in 1B. But she looks like such a dude and wears the boys uniform so everyone thought she was a guy till she went to the female changing room. Noone really believed her so she just dropped her trousers and underwear. Going "I HAVE A FUCKING VAGINA. NOW FUCK OFF AND LET ME CHANGE IN THE GIRLS ROOM" tho she can technically give her self a demon dick. But she cant be bothered. Also some demon forms of her can give her tits. But after trying it she decided she didnt like how much weight it put on her chest and was basically "Thank fuck im flat chested"

Ill be posting love nikki photos of them when i do them!!

[citanasworld]

I just realized I have never posted an original work so i guess i can now 😅, be gentle i haven't written in years (literally like 7/8 years) and this was the first thing i came back with

There they were sitting across a table avoiding eye contact as they separately counted down to what would be the most uncomfortable emotional situation either had been put in.

Their mutual friend Darron walked into the room to explain exactly why he brought both of them together in this awkwardly painful reunion.

"Alrightt, Lunaa.. Natee, I think it's about time you 2 talked. I don't care if you walk out of here friends or not but I've heard 2 very different stories and you need to explain how you feel to one another because your constant fighting and negative energy anytime you see each other is starting to affect not only me but everyone. So talk it out, RESPECTFULLY." He made immediate eye contact with Luna knowing she was they type in fights to go for the low blow. He walked out and closed the door slowly while Luna and Nate turned to make eye contact for the first time since they had been put into this room together.

"Luna i know we didn't end on super great terms last time we spo-" Nate was cut off mid sentence when Luna had burts out laughing

"When was that? Ohhh yeah when you disrespected my fiancé in an attempt to get me angry? Yeah i wouldn't say we ended on 'super great terms' Nathaniel." She said the last part sarcastically rolling her eyes and looking towards the door.

"Haa, well i meant more so the part where you threatened to 'knock everything last tooth and brain cell out of my skull' or do you not remember that part doll"

Her head snapped back immediately and she looked furious "Oh i remember that clearly and it was 'fucking skull' if you want to quote me at least quote me accurately. And NEVER... call me doll again" she leaned in close speaking the last part very articulatly to make her point clear.

"Alright, alright I'll back off; however i see you're still as fiesty as ever" he continued before she could interrupt with a comeback "look my version of this is pretty cut and dry so I'll tell you mine you tell me yours and if we can't see eachothers sides you can walk out that door and we never have to speak again. Deal? For Darrons sake?" He reached his hand out to shake on the terms with a smile

"For darron. And i will leave.." he reached out and grabbed her hand. "I hate you, just so you know." Luna spat at him while pulling her hand back to her side and making a face and Nate. To which he replied with a sincere smile, "oh, darling.. you break my heart" he said light heartedly to try to ease the tension

"You don't have a heart to break." She replied shortly showing absolutely no emotion whatsoever.

His smile grew back to the emotionless frown he always wore

"Alright have it your way."

"Always have, haven't I"

"Snarky as ever.. alright fine" Nate began glaring at Luna knowing she was an empath and that she could only have this emotional blockade up for a short time before it came tumbling down and she would feel all the pain and despair she caused him.

"The way i see it we were friends, and then all of a sudden Simon is the center of your universe and you could give a fuck less about me. Then i try to come to you because i miss you and you say there's some deeper problem. If there was a deeper problem why didnt you just come to me? I just wa-"

"WHY DIDNT I JUST COME TO YOU? NATHANIEL DO NOT START WITH ME." She exclaimed, surprised he even had the audacity to act like she was the villan of this story.

"Alright if I'm explaining this incorrectly maybe you should tell me how things 'reallly were' brat."

"Ohkay well let's start with where things actually went wrong you fucking ingrate. Lets start with the fact that I have loved you and wanted to do everything for you and that was apparently not enough. Lets star-"

"Alright doll, get on with it. Tell me what exactly it is i did to make you go from loving me as much as you did to hating my guts and seeing me as this evil narcissistic demon you paint me out to be."

"Nathaniel. Let me make one thing clear before i tell you exactly how i see things. I don't hate you, unfortunately no matter how much i try i cant bring myself to hate you or stop caring about you even though you strung me along for years and shattered my god damn heart, i still cant fucking hate you. And if you genuinely think i do then I'm sorry but you're just stupid."

"Pfftt could have fooled me. I think the cold shoulder you've been giving me these past few years gave me frostbite" Nate said with a smile hoping he could get Luna to crack even the faintest smile, he hadn't seen her smile in 3 years and he missed it so much.

"I'm not in the mood for jokes.. look i loved you so fucking much i would do anything to make you happy. We had constant bickering of who loved who more and things were great. Then i move 10 hours away and its the most painful, heartbreaking, gut wrenching thing i ever experienced and you just disappear, you stop talking to me everyday and I'm lucky if i got a response once every other week and maybe a video call with you and Darron once a month and that's being generous to you. And then while being heartbroken that the person i loved basically just disappeared on me then Elaine had to tell me her sister saw you out with NOT ONE. BUT TWO DIFFERENT FUCKING GIRLS ON DATES. WHat the actual fuck was that shit Nathani-"

"Look i dont know what tale you're spinning but we were never dating and i-"

"I KNOW AND THAT'S THE WORST PART OF IT ALL. I LET YOU LEAD ME ON IN HOPES ONE DAY YOU'D STOP FUCKING EVERYTHING WITH A FUCKING HOLE AND WOULD ACTUALLY SETTLE DOWN AND LOVE ME BECAUSE 'YoU lOvEd Me MoRe TiMeS iNfInItY aNd YoU aLwAyS wIlL' you fucking ungrateful son of a bitch you made me fall for you. And dont start with the i meant it as friends thing because i did not treat you like a friend and you know it. I never cuddled and kissed my other friends. I never made plans to move across the country alone with one of them and spend the rest of our lives together and you knew exactly what you were doing you FUCKING NARCISSISTIC ASSHOLE"

"STOP CALLING ME THAT" Nate snapped yelling as loud as he could; as he leaned in closer to Luna. They both just stared at each other in silence, Nate was waiting for the waterworks to start, anytime he yelled at her before she'd cry and he could comfort her and things got better but not a single tear fell.

"Nathaniel. I'm sorry I've been raising my voice but i swear to whatever the fuck god you wanna believe in that if you EVER raise your voice at me again i will fucking kill you without the slightest hesitation, do I make myself clear?"

They sat in silence as they had a stare down waiting for the other to break, but Luna grew tired of this game so she continued her point "Regardless if you meant it or not, knew what you were doing or not, you lead me on, For years, point fucking blank ohkay? I loved you and waited for you for years just to have my heart shattered. I genuinely cant tell you how many people i slept with to get over you."

This took Nate off guard and he couldn't hide the glint of jealousy that flashed across his face at the thought of her touching someone else the way she used to touch him, god just the thought of it made his stomach turn

"And after doing that and not succeeding in fucking you out of my system i was even more upset and broken" her voice broke and she had to take a second to compose herself so she wouldn't start to cry once she calmed down she continued

"Simon was the best friend that was there for me after you destroyed me. He picked up the pieces and put me back together, and didn't expect anything in return, he did it as a friend. He makes me happy and makes me feel loved-"

"Uuugghhhhh skip this part. You know how i feel about Simon." Nate groaned

"I just wanted to make it clear that he's the reason I'm back to myself and didn't end up destroying my life or overdosing to kill myself you dickhead. And i was content pretending like you never broke my heart and destroyed me. I was fine pretending like we were friends for Darrons sake. And then you saw how happy i was with Simon and decided you didnt like me loving someone other than you and made it very apparent how much you hated him. You got pissy anytime i showed him affection AND HE AND I WERE IN AN ACTUAL DEFINED RELATIONSHIP. And then when i stopped being around you because of how you were acting about simon and i you decided to drunk text me some god damn apology about how you were treating Simon and like thanks but how fucking dare you act like that's where our problems started. It was way before that. And to add fuel to the fire when i didnt accept your shitty apology you decided to misgender and deadname my boyfriend to try and what? hit a nerve and get me to talk to you? Like fuck off you egotistical self centered prick. But whatever at this point I've come to expect nothing less of you."

Tears were welling up and she couldn't hold them back any longer. Nathaniel took a moment and watched her, studied her face to see if there was any feeling towards him that wasnt hurt or anger that was salvageable

"..I'm sorry I made you feel that way about me. But i still love you and care about you Luna. I never stopped, even when we didn't talk for weeks i was always thinking about yo-"

"I tried to talk to you every single day Nathaniel. If you miss someone you talk to them not ignore them and fuck anything with a pulse"

"okay.. that's fair i deserve that. But please stop rebutting everything i say its not progressing this conversation..unless your plan is to spend the rest of our lives in this room arguing which with you doesn't sound to bad, doll" he threw in a wink and reached for Lunas hands. She pulled them back before he could even reach her hands "what the fuck did i say about that name" "awhh come on Luna i know that's your favorite nickname"

"YOU DON'T GET TO CALL ME THAT."

"Does Simon call you that now? Or is it still my special nickname"

"Simon knows that being called Doll makes my stomach turn amd my skin crawl." she looked Nate up and down to emphasize her point "for obvious reasons." Nate simply smiled "Luna keep up this tough girl act i like the look of it on you. But we both know underneath that tough shielded exterior is my soft babydoll that just wants love and acceptance from everyone that lays their eyes on her no-" "You think you know me but you know who i used to be. That 'soft doll' you love so much? You killed her, a long time ago and I've changed"

"Show me the new you then. I can promise I'll love any version of you as long as its you"

"STOP..saying you love me Nate you're trying to get in my head." She looked away from him and tried to pretend like she didnt still care. Nate reached out and turned her to face him "you and i both know i mean it Lunabel, i will always love and care for you. Thats why darron wanted us to talk things out. Please believe me I've changed, i go to therapy, i haven't touched any drugs or alcohol in a year, and im working on my problems. I know you dont want me in that way but i need to be part of your life Lun, i cant stop thinking about you. You were my best friend, the person i went to for anything without fear of judgment please don't take the only light in my life away from me."

"Nathaniel.. you know I'll never stop loving you but we're toxic to each other and only make one another spiral down. We just bring out the worst in eachother, and frankly, I don't like who you turn me into." He looked down defeated knowing where this was going to lead, but she pulled his face up to meet his eyes to hers "..i am.. so proud of you for getting sober Nate, words cant explain how happy i am you're getting help and bettering yourself. And I'll always care about you but i can't see a future for us where we can be close friends anymore, its not in the cards for us" he rested his head against her hand not wanting this moment to end, he missed her touch, how she could calm every ache and pain both mental and physical by just touching him. He hadn't felt a moment of peace like this since she left his life. She started to pull her hand away and instinctually he grabbed her hand and held it back to his face, tears starting to build

"fuck the cards, Luna please give me another chance as a friend please i miss you in my life and healing cant progress if i dont have you by my side"

Luna pulled her hand back to her side realizing she had made a mistake touching him like that, she felt the hair on her arms stand up and the anxiety rush up her fingertips and into her whole body, Her heart started to race and tears started to well in her eyes "Nate you and I both know you can't rely on someone else when you're trying to heal, it's not healthy on either end of the relationship; If you truly need someone to rely on that person should be Darron or a family member, not your ex-whatever I am."

Luna stood up to head for the door when Nate grabbed her hand to ask one final question, "Do you still love me Lunabel?"

There was a moment of silence as she pondered on this question, "Nate, you know the answer is yes but no amount of love can erase the past. Keep doing good and being sober, im proud of you." she pulled her hand back to herself and continued towards the door as Nate stared at her and watched her walk out of his life for the last time "I'll always love you Lunabel..." she stopped for a second to turn slightly, "I know Nathaniel.. I know." she continued out the door and walked away with the weight of a thousand tons rolling off her shoulders as she closed that chapter of her life and moved on with Simon to her happy life.