#AND WOULD BE WORSE OFF WITHOUT THE OTHER
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Reading the webtoon and…
Does this imply that Kim Dokja also tried to write a questionnaire for her to fill in since she wouldn’t speak to him, that either he 1) never gave her in the end (especially if he couldn’t find her after she was released) or 2) gave it to her and she STILL refused to answer?
Because that is so so so so awful. It was already bad but if he tried so many ways to get her to speak and she still gave him no response, regardless of her reasoning… isn’t that still directly choosing to cut herself fully out of his life? Why in the hell did she lie for his sake and allow him to visit her if she wanted to never speak to him again?
I know everyone claims Kim Dokja is just like her in sacrificing himself for loved ones, but at least he tries his best to stay with them and to keep them in his life. He still chooses sacrifice, but it’s not because he intends to never return. He always returns (even if much later than planned).
The only time this differs is with 51%, when he STILL tried his best to stay with them - at least as much as he could.
I sometimes like Lee Sookyung, but I am mostly still SO mad at her for completely ignoring her child since he was 8 years old. Especially when he must have looked like shit any number of times from being mistreated and bullied by family, friends, army, employers.
But maybe that’s just the fragment in me being eternally pissed with her. She DOES love him, but like he says in the webtoon in this chapter - maybe such truths are painful enough to be false anyways, because they’re just SUCH bullshit. That’s not how affection should work, if you actually care about someone and want them to be happy.
#RAWWRGHHH I WANT TO SHAKE HER SO MUCH#LOOK AFTER YOUR KID#and if you can’t do that because of circumstances at least ACKNOWLEDGE HIM#yes I do know she cared and it’s just that she mistakenly believes he’s better off this way without her but like#then WHY does she still insert herself back into his life when he’s finally stopped trying to get her to speak?#yes yes others have great analyses on her and their relationship and I usually agree with their logic but it’s still. So. Hard. to like her#but then I remember that this story was the little Dream’s wishful thinking to cope back then on his own#and so maybe in his world Lee Sookyung never ever would speak to him again#he just wished she would so he wrote it down as happening for This older version of him#and that’s somehow worse because like#even in the story where he got her to speak to him again she still won’t speak so he has to force the words out some way (via outer god)#and if that’s true then it’s still just his interpretation of her actions and choices#and not her own since she never told him#so like ARGGHHH#but I like to believe that characters have autonomy despite their respective author’s efforts in documenting them#so she still chose to speak all of this too and he would have accurately interpreted her this way because she controls what she says#even if he (little Dream Kim Dokja) is the one writing it down as wish fulfilment fix-it fic#a fix-it for himself and not just for the other people he loves#😭😭😭#orv#orv spoilers#omniscient reader’s viewpoint#lee sookyung#kim dokja
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to me, the question of whether hera would want a body is first and foremost a question of autonomy and ability. she has an internal self-image, i think it's meaningful that the most pivotal moments in her character arc take place in spaces where she can be perceived the way she perceives herself and interact with others in a (relatively) equal and physical capacity, and that's worth considering. but i don't think it's about how she looks, or even who she is - and i think she's the same person either way; she's equally human without a body, and having a body wouldn't make her lived experience as an AI magically disappear - so much as it's about how she would want to live.
like most things with hera, i'm looking at this through a dual lens of disability and transness, both perspectives from which the body - and particularly disconnect from the body - is a concern. the body as the mechanism by which she's able to interact with the world; understanding her physical isolation as a product of her disability, the body as a disability aid. the body as it relates to disability, in constant negotiation. the body as an expression of medical transition, of self-determination, of choice. as a statement of how she wants to be seen, how she wants to navigate the world, and at the same time reckoning with the inevitable gap between an idealized self-image and a lived reality, especially after a long time spent believing that self-image could never be visible to anyone else.
it's critical to me that it should never imply hera's disability is 'fixed' by having a body, only that it enables her to interact with the world in ways she otherwise couldn't. her fears about returning to earth are about safety and ability; the form she exists in dictates the life she's allowed to lead and has allowed people to invade her privacy and make choices for her. dysphoria and disability both contribute to disembodiment - in an increasingly digitized world, the type of alienation that feels like your life can only exist in a virtual space... maybe there's something about the concept of AI embodiment, in particular as it relates to hera, that appeals to me because of what it challenges about what makes a 'real woman.' when it's about perception, about how others see her and how she might observe / be impacted by how she's treated differently, even subconsciously. it's about feeling more present in her life and interfacing with the world. but it's not in itself a becoming; it doesn't change how she's been shaped by her history or who she is as a person.
i think it comes back to the 'big picture' as a central antagonistic force in wolf 359, and how - in that context, in this story - it adds a weight to this hypothetical choice. hera is everywhere, and she's never really anywhere. she's got access to more knowledge than most people could imagine, but it's all theoretical or highly situational; she doesn't have the same life experiences as her peers. she has the capacity to understand that 'big picture' better than most people, but whatever greater portion of the universe she understands is nothing next to infinity and meaningless without connection and context. it's interesting to me that hera is one of the most self-focused and introspective people on the show. her loyalties and decisions are absolute, personal, emotionally driven. she's lonely; she always feels physically away from the others. she misremembers herself sitting at the table with the rest of the crew. she imagines what the ocean is like. there's nothing to say that hera having a body is the only solution for that, but i like what it represents, and i honestly believe it'd make her happier than the alternatives. if there's something to a symbolically narrowed focus that allows for a more solid sense of self... that maybe the way to make something of such a big, big universe is to find a tiny portion of it that's yours and hold onto it tight.
#wolf 359#w359#hera wolf 359#idk. processing something. as always i have more to say but it's impossible to communicate all at once#it's a meaningful idea to me and i think there's a LOT more that can be done with it thematically than just. the assumption of normalcy#so much of hera's existence is about feeling trapped and that's only going to get worse on earth and within these two contexts#that's something i really feel for. especially with. mmm.#i don't like the idea that who hera is is tied to the way she exists because it seems to weirdly reinforce her own misconception#that there can never be another life for her.#and all of these things are specific to hera and to the themes of wolf 359 and NOT about AI characters in general#in other stories there are other considerations.#the best argument i can make against it is that she says getting visuals from one place is weird and she doesn't like it. but that's#a totally different situation where it's a further limitation of her ability without a trade off. it's a different consideration i think#when it allows her more freedom. to go somewhere and be completely alone by herself. to feel like she has more control and more privacy#to be able to hug her friends. or feel the rain. it would be one thing if she felt content existing 'differently'#but she... doesn't. canonically she doesn't. and i think that has to be taken into account.#i think you can tell a meaningful and positive story about disability without giving her physical form on earth too#but i think it has to be considered that those are limitations for her and that the way she exists feels isolating to her.#idk. a lot of the suggestions people come up with feel like they're coming from a place of compromise that i don't think is necessary#there are plenty of ways that having a body would be difficult for hera and i guess it's hopeful to me to think#maybe she'd still find it worth it.
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every time I see people insist that the stark sisters will automatically hate each other and say that sansa "bullied" or "traumatized" arya (or vise versa) my eyes threaten to roll out of my skull. some of y'all truly have no idea how real sibling dynamics work.
#᯽ ooc. ⊱ ── ❝ 𝘖𝘩 𝘯𝘰 𝘪𝘵'𝘴 𝘔𝘢𝘳𝘪. ❞#the irony is I'm saying this as an only child#the closest thing I had to siblings were a bunch of cousins I was raised with#and if I had to live with those bitches every day of my life for my entire childhood? yeah we would fight all the time too#why are we sanitizing EVERYTHING?? why do we put everything into a black&white box when these dynamics are more complicated than#being mean to someone = you hate them??#you are not gonna have a perfect conflict free relationship with anyone who is THAT close to you in your life#if you do??? if you never clash even over something stupid or petty or irrelevant??? consider. you are not actually close to them.#your relationship is not evolving. you don't truly *know* each other.#because anything that goes deeper than surface level projection of self image requires going mask-off to varying degrees#and having someone close enough to see the worse parts of you. because they DO exist. every one has flaws and bad behaviors#carefully hidden beneath the layers of the image we project#closeness requires letting another person see that#and sibling dynamics (non-withstanding traumas / abnormal childhoods / other factors) are most exemplary of that#because sometimes your biggest rival that you swear you would be better off without is also the person you would die for
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our mum's boyfriend has been telling her to avoid going to a doctor about her asthma symptoms for as long as possible because "once you start on an inhaler it's really hard to stop taking it again because you can't breathe when you stop taking it" and like??? yeah no shit, if you stop taking the meds that help you breathe you're gonna start struggling to breathe
#personal#thoughts#🍬 post#vent post#see the thing is I know before we got diagnosed we thought our breathing wasn't too bad#other than that we got out of breath really easily and regularly noticed a whistling noise when we breathed#and now if we stop taking our inhaler we very quickly start struggling to breathe and it's very obvious that something's wrong#as in we ran out of meds twice and couldn't get more when we needed to and almost had to call an ambulance#and I can see why that would look like ''oh so now your breathing is worse when you don't take the meds than before you started them''#but no it's a combination of us not realising how bad our symptoms were until we experienced them not being that bad#and us getting used to a new baseline so the symptoms we were previously used to feel worse and more alarming now#and like... if we stop taking the maintenance meds suddenly it makes sense that our body's gonna flip its shit and have a bad time#and we're gonna get an especially bad flare up of symptoms#but the thing about putting off getting diagnosed and getting treatment#is that the longer you go without getting treatment the more your lungs are gonna get fucked up and you risk permanent damage from that#it's called airway remodelling and it can fuck up your lungs pretty badly
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.
#the spelling thing is actually a little hurtful lmao#I've held off on voice-to-text for so long because I'm wary of the tech that makes it possible#(read: capitalist or fascist / police state uses for said tech)#but also I know it makes errors of homophone usage and other seeming malapropisms common#but even without it my hands are getting worse--I have to type lying down which makes my wrists worse#I'm tired and foggy so much of the time and making spelling and grammatical errors that I never used to make#and as someone trying to express sometimes not super sj 101 ideas--I know how much that relies on your seeming 'intelligence'#as far as people's willingness to listen to you#and as a person of colour I also know how white people get about you speaking 'their' languages#and how a mistake will hurt your credibility much faster than it would hurt someone else's#and I spend a lot of time and effort going back and correcting things my hands have messed up#even when it puts me in more pain. also because like I'm concerned about people who use screenreaders#idk there's no easy answer but surely we can agree that 'you misspelled something therefore you don't know what you're talking about'#is just mean-spirited on so many levels. lol
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María is a bad bitch queen supreme with a simple dream of reclaiming her land Volturi-style after her human life was tragically cut short by a Texan who had invaded Mexico to create his own vampire Golden Corral. RESPECT HER OR PERISH
#LOVE AND RESPECT FOR HER SHE IS WONDERFUL I LOVE HER#ALSO she's a total softie emotional lil angel who wouldn't have felt forced to take power if her entire coven hadn't been slaughtered#but after YEARS of losses - her human fam & her vamp fam & her HOME - @ the hands of vampires & white colonizers#she got addicted to power & victory! what's a girl supposed to do honestly?????#& LET'S NOT FORGET she & Jasper enabled each other to seek victory bc before they met THEY WERE BOTH LOSERS.#like#i'm just saying she is just as powerful as the Volturi#with a knack for identifying talents in humans#who used the SAME tricks as the Voturi#who was influenced to a degree by Jasper to get greedy bc they were stronger together & loved winning for a change#(we love fucked up relationship 'i can make them worse' dynamics ok)#AND who - & i really can't stress this enough - is only in this damn war because she had everything stolen from her & wanted revenge#yet somehow she gets a lot of flak because she 'manipulated' (not true) and 'abused' (also not true) Jasper?????? the Confederate?????????#just remember#without María jasper would have died in a union-army POW camp eating the fleas off his own clothes#FAX FAX FAX
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Sorry but like
I think it needs to be said at this point
#sonic the hedgehog#fandom wank#tails the fox#miles tails prower#i just be ramblin#Sonic fandom will be like 'sonadow is SOOO toxic yaoi' or 'surgeamy is SOO toxic yuri' and then their idea of toxic yaoi/yuri is that the#characters redeem each other or secretly look out for each other even though they're a lil prickly#As someone who is a fan of both of these and a lot of the other toxic yuri/yaoi ships#'sonadow is so toxic yaoi however Shadow's actions in prime s3 come off as abusive'#'surgeamy is so toxic yuri. surge is dating her to get one up on Sonic and Amy is going to redeem her for the good guys'#Must I speak further?#For the record‚ a deficit of any content in a fandom is whatever. 'Make it yourself or commission someone' I know. it's just frustrating as#a fan of so called 'toxic yuri' and 'toxic yaoi' ships watching so many people go around calling themselves toxic yuri/yaoi enjoyers and#then. not depict toxic relationships with said ships#Meanwhile I see so much Sonic and Tails 'brothers' content that is just reskinned romance tropes#My favorite 'toxic yuri/yaoi' ships seem to have only the most vanilla content known to man but then someone will say 'Sonic and Tails have#the most profound relationship in all media. They complete each other. they better each other. They're soulmates. they're worse off without#each other. If anyone else tried to form relationships with Tails then Sonic would be jealous. They live together in their adult years.#Through Nine the writers showed just how attached Sonic and Tails are to each other‚ to the point that Nine only cares about Sonic and#living alone with him forever.' and then follow it up with '#the brothers of all time! Imagine Shadow saying he's Tails' brother and Sonic gets so jealous he considers killing Shadow so he can be#Tails' only brother! If you tag as ship I eat all your bones and harass you'#Okay okay I rambled for a minute. This meme is not a compliment😂#The short of it is 'so called toxic yaoi/yuri enjoyers creating solely fluff or characters who bicker fall in love' and 'so called Sonic and#Tails are brothers fans coming off as closeted sontails enjoyers and also betraying that they can only pair characters they hate as romantic#as being siblings'
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technology is trying to gaslight me tonight i swear to fuck
#first patreon had this weird glitch that's still happening#where a post i made wouldn't show up on my page but it showed up for others and also everywhere EXCEPT my main page#it was in the drafts and the manage recent posts section and the collections but NOT the main home page *for m e*#and me alone it seemed#tried to fix it and only made things Worse somehow#then. my pc decided to set the clock back by three hours? at seemingly random???#tumblr isn't letting me like posts and any messages sent or received on here disappear or don't show up at all on my end#while typing this up it wouldn't autosave and then it wouldn't post#and at least for tumblr it usually only does that when i've been force logged out without it actually kicking me off until i refresh#so i refreshed the page to see if it would force me to log in again#but??? i was still logged in so i was like okay i'll just log out and log in again maybe that'll help#nope!! still acting funky!!#third time typing this post up bc of it!!
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the narrator tsp and the princess stp would hate each other's guts for what the other is an abstracted representation of but theyre so so alike. looks like SOMEONE is the foundation upon which their other half builds atop but is locked in eternal struggle with them because that is the nature of existence!
#talk tag#the guy who is the concept of narrative meeting the concept of change and being pissed off bc of how much he relates to her#obviously theyre vastly different on the surface#but if you peel that away. theyre both trapped and just. SUFFOCATINGLY lonely#when theyre scared they often try to intimidate their problems away and lash out. or they turn their emotions inwards and self-destruct.#its hard to get close to them bc there is no middle ground. it is adoration so intense it drowns you and hurting you because they can.#'we can be friends' and 'we can be worse than enemies' you know. its about her but that is very much something woven into both of them#this inherent need to be understood and heard and perceived and loved#but also being inherently hard to love. distant. they both are a tangled-up knot of horrible emotions.#and they often see themselves above criticism or reproach. like their pair's god.#and while yeah on a fundamental level they ARE the larger and more dynamic part of this equation#they need that other part of them. they would be worse than meaningless without them#without something experiencing the narrative the story ceases to be. without stasis to contrast it change will cannibalize itself.#the hero and stanley could chill though. they could look at a bird together they both enjoy that
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It is only first month of 2024, and I've already lost not one but two subjects of nightmares, paranoia and reoccurring emotional torture. I really wish there was another way to get rid of these besides having extremely painful conversations.. but at least these scars are closing, one by one
#/vent#personal#and this time was like.. opposite of the previous one#previous one absolutely wrecked me with very ugly insight and basically made all puzzle pieces fall together#this one was just pain and crying and having my worst suspicions about other person AND self faced and confirmed#but again it got solved#I really want the power to move on without having a closure.#I hope I will be strong enough for it one day.#I just need to think..#I think I really should avoid other depressed/traumatised people until something can be done with how I react at perceived threats#(which is eternity because hell I know when I will be able to afford therapy. probably never with how my life situation is going)#as jarring as being close only with 'healthy' people would be I just can't make things worse for both me and them#until I can change my default response from aggression into avoidance I'll just stay away from anyone with depression#I say very terrible things when I feel threatened and it is way too easy to make me feel threatened. it is THE easiest thing in the world.#I won't survive without close friends anyhow but there is category of people that can't recover from these words normally#I mean I am ALSO this 'category'. I also hurt from awful words thrown at me for MONTHS don't I#it is very hard to be aware of my glaring flaws when everyone that points them out is outright malicious and wants me bullied off the Earth#and then everyone who does think I deserve my human rights either doesn't see my flaws or doesn't mention them#so at least discussing it without outright intention to harm me was helpful for a change#maybe one day I'll have a friend that can be open if I've hurt them a lot so I can work on it but that's another story I guess
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Out of all the things that threw me through a loop in the mario movie, the bros taking their gloves off was the most oddly jarring. I said out loud “they have flesh hAnds!-”
#y'know among other things#beating an absolute decomposed horse here but. Chris Pratt's voice acting was somehow. worse. than I was expecting.#the um. the random real songs? Mr. Blue Sky and Thunderstruck? that was weird#the other music was WONDERFUL#I know Mario has been canonically like 25 for a while but it's still weird seeing him with his young parents and being fussy about food#and playing video games in his lil teenager bedroom#speaking of- the Mario-hates-mushrooms thing? what?#and his personality in general was just fucking weird but it would have been less jarring without the. lazy shit voice. sorry. dead horse ik#thought there'd be more luigi tbh#kamek and bowser absolutely stole the show they were fucking great#peach was generic... I didn't dislike her but. myeh. another Illumination quirky girlboss go off I guess#Donkey kong was fun actually I rly liked him#his beef with Mario was entertaining#anyway ok enough about characters#the movie was a visual feast and the action scenes were. fucking excellent. so clever.#which. says. a. LOT. given how much I normally hate illumination movies visually#oh yeah toad. he was there. same way I feel about him in the games so#dude I kept my eyes PEELED for Funky Kong. he should've absolutely been the mechanic or SOMETHINg. so sad.#it's funny the longer the movie went on the more and more and more I realized. oh. this is an illumination movie alright#take that as you will#anyway I sound like I hated it I didn't I fucking loved every second of it#when you go into a movie with the mindset of ''I'm going to tear this to shreds as light-heartedly as possible'' you have a great time#and you get pleasantly surprised along the way!#like I said! visual feast! clever fights! some fun characters! music! background gags and easter eggs!#bowser!
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"this wulf fellow has choice language"
#artluli#tf2#i dont really like how this turned out its really bad#added shading to try and make it better but it looks worse but i guess ill post it anyway i suppose#if youre wondering why im sweating its because im terrified of playing online multiplayer games#that might sound weirdly specific but dude it gives me so so so much anxiety#ive been wanting to play more but i cant bring myself to do it because im too scared#“scared of what skaluli” the people and how well i perform#i would rather play a horror game because that shit doesnt scare me as much as fearing judgement of the people i play with because im shit#i know i shouldnt care what other people think and should just try and have fun but god this shit is scary#before anyone says anything i turned off voice chat straight away when i downloaded it thank god thats an option#but even without hearing their voices i feel like i can still hear their thoughts and judgement and anger#it took hours of trying to convince myself and then someone else telling me ill be okay just to play the game for a little bit#and when i got to leave i felt like i was having a fucking anxiety attack#anyway i really like this game but im way too scared to play it! which is fucking stupid that thats even a reason
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power & control..!
redraw of this old sketch :)
#they are INSUFFERABLE!#two sides of the same coin etc. making each other worse constantly! and yet worse off without each other!#the execution of the original is bleh but the concept… lives in my mind#in the tags of the original i said i would shut up about death note…hm#death note#light yagami#l lawliet#lawlight#?#my art#death note fanart#my art 2022#tw mild body horror#tw implied blood#< just in case
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Me, opening up a packet of the stuff the vet gave me: “I hope this probiotic powder doesn’t put my cat off his food. Can’t really help with his digestion issues if he doesn’t eat it”
I spill some because my hands can have problems with stability
My cat: *licks the stuff up like a kid who just discovered what powdered sugar was*
Me: “is this flavored?”
My cat: begs me for more powder and momentarily forgets his food
Me: “this has to be flavored”
#emma posts#sometimes him getting excited about new flavors for kitties is good#but other times his love of flavor exploration will lead him to eating a food he’s allergic to#and I can’t figure out what he’s reacting to right away because he just keeps eating the thing that makes his tummy hurt#at least I stop using things I realize cause allergic reactions#you’d think a little guy who doesn’t even know what allergies are would be even more off put by them#he’s so finicky about so many random things! but he loves new foods. especially more expensive ones. and that food was more expensive#this time he is getting a food for upset hairball tummies and has been enjoying it more than his old stuff too#I just hope that him traveling back and forth between his old food at my parents house and new food here causes problems#his old man tummy is getting more sensitive than it used to be and he’s getting a different food now… hopefully. and vitamins while he gets#these probiotics to hopefully make the change easier. I don’t want to jinx it but so far it seems to be really helpful#he hasn’t even gotten one hairball since starting the hairball food! and he loves his new vitamin treats#hopefully he’ll keep doing well with the old kitty vitamin treats#I want him to get his old man vitamins#even if he’s super healthy for his age. it’s good not to get worse!#i would know. as someone who dealt with not eating enough from medication side effects#I’m better now though! I switched meds and take more vitamins just in case#anyway. eating food is important for humans and kitties if you can get it it’s important!#and if your cat doesn’t get or absorb enough food they could get permanent damage to their bodies. never let your cat go more than three#days without food! try to make sure that they eat at least every 12 hours#they might not need as much food as you. but they can get a lot sicker a lot faster than humans usually do#I can ramble on and on about cat health though 😅 I just love my little guy so much#combo of better food formulated for hairballs and not giving him an allergic reaction with the probiotics too seems to be helping a lot#i knew cheap food wasn’t usually quite as good as the slightly more expensive stuff but holy shit. since moving out and now switching food#it’s been going so well for him! maybe I should ask my family to change the other cats food. I just hope that an extra 9$ a bag isn’t#off putting for them. i feel like fewer hairballs should be a great selling point
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Kaeya is rather touch averse, cringing away from casual contact people give him under the guise of being distracted or idle movement. He's used to it, the Ragnvindrs and Adenlinde got him used to frequent affectionate physical contact, but it can still be entirely Uncomfortable if he's touched by someone outside those he is close to or someone he's otherwise Allowed to touch him.
#hc; kaeya#//Mentioned before; but am Elaborating on other aspects since Aven get brain juices flowing for this#//Unlike Aven; he's FAR more tolerable of people who touch him unprompted. & more willing to indulge for himself outside his comfort people#//Unless he himself had actively given the indication he doesn't want it; in that case THEN he's likely to anger & retaliate#//But yeah; his response is usually Discomfort & trying to get away from it one way or another. Can tolerate it to appear friendly; sure#//But would rather not want people to touch him so easily. Is decently okay with brief touches tho; like shoulder pats or the like#//Will actively lean into it & encourage further touching ONLY as a means to an end; adjusting any wandering hands only when going too far#//Esp if he can use that like a carrot on a string–if they concede to what he wants; they can touch him more. Maybe MORE than just that too#//He won't initiate any touch unless he deems it Absolutely Necessary; WILL internally scream if they Immediately reciprocate the contact#//Uses it as a 'reward' sometimes; a little pinch of the cheek; a hug; getting right into their space; if he sees they'll react favorably#//Maybe more if they have connection enough; like Huffman or one of his longer-running liaisons. Is p ok w/ sleeping w/ them as reward#//Sometimes he forgets some people don't like that he does this; like Rosie. Tries the tactic to get a favor then Remembers#//Absolutely apologizes; feels mortified when she scrutinizes him for it. Esp since she'd be one of few ppl who KNOWS just how Averse he is#to it in the first place. Him slipping up like that in front of HER is smth he'd STRESS over. She could hold over his head for all he knows#//How can he even joke abt it? Worse if she asks abt his way of doing things or indicate she doesnt Like that he uses himself as bait#//Has absolutely accidentally tried to seduce/bait sb like that who he absolutely should Not have. Like Jean. Ended up playing it off like#a joke between friends; but damn near had a panic attack from the guilt the moment he was safely in his office. bc Jean is SPECIAL to him#could he treat her like THAT? How could he almost let her SEE that side of him? His casual charm and facade are ONE thing#//But him actively doing something like THAT; esp for Jean of all people; is COMPLETELY off-limits; no matter his feelings#//Actually; especially BC he harbors feelings for her. Ppl like Lisa on the other hand; he is VERY comfortable doing this with/to#//She GETS the flirty habit & dishes it back without losing image of him in the way someone he regards at Jean's level possibly could#//And as far as Lisa knows; it's Only a playful habit; not a means to an end. The ones who prolly Know might be certain folks in the church#//But that's just bc he gets frequent checkups after every lil Rendezvous of his. Which is why he's got dirt on Every Single Person There#//Except Barbara; but he absolutely makes SURE she's not the one he's dealing with whenever he goes. Wants to spare her his messes#//Damn; veered a little but it's alright. 'A little'; HA. Nah; my tags are but the cluttered corkboard of my thoughts jhdbfjdf#//Diluc; Addie & Jean are the people he most Fears finding out abt his methods. Doesnt wanna THINK abt how they'd feel/regard him after tha#//Knows for SURE it'd be painful if the way they treat him changes even a SLIGHT. ESP Addie; he can bear the other two; but Addie???#//Nah; he'd be fucken DEVASTATED. That's the ONE person he knows hold true unwavering unconditional love for him; no matter what#//To do anything to damage that? He'd be so fucken GUTTED. He expects everyone to get fed up with/disdain him at some point. But not HER#//Keeps this shit on the down low by always having dirt on the people he gets Involved with; if not using keeping it up as an incentive
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(Out of nowhere, you are approached by a familiar lightbulb-headed Cog.)
Ah, it's you, cat. Thinking you're oh-so-slick. Muttering and whispering under those raggedy whiskers of yours... Thinking I am unable to hear it all...
Well, you've simply underestimated my fantastic hearing. You probably want to know the reason why I'm here, taking a 'break' from my incredibly important scientific breakthroughs? It's quite simple, really!
(She gets close, and squints her eyes.)
I know what you are.
Farewell, now!
(She then leaves the way she came from.)
(Spam giggles immensely, covering her face... it always seems like she's giggling, isn't she? This lasts... at least thirty seconds. Longer than usual.)
And I know what I am too, Sparky! You broke through something, that's for sure. Really, broke through...
(She looks down, continuing to laugh nervously.)
You know, I find it odd you Havent tried to bulb blast me into the stratosphere by now. I mean knowing how you acted with Frostbite. Is there something peculiar about me that you perhaps can't quite track? Something about me that you... don't know what I am?
I know, I know, I'm talking to nobody again. But you were there when I had a moment today with the one the only Frostbite The Bravecog. You may be remaining. Lurking in the shadows. Knowing about these thoughts that I'm thinking.
(The giggling resumes, lasting far shorter this time.)
Your brother's a piece of fucking barp, by the way
(She braces for impact for a few seconds, wincing while smiling, before comically looking around to realize nobody's there. She sighs.)
Wow, okay maybe toony superhero show logic doesn't apply in this situation. Cool.
WAIT I JUST FUCKING REALIZED WHAT SHE MEANT but like. Dude if she meant that then what's the point I mean the whole ahh sellbot department barping knows unless you're Really low on the ladder. Heheh... maybe she did mean what I thought she meant.
Oh i'm so fucking screwed. What kind of bitch gets filament fever
#bright spark#<- for finding this again later. haha i called her sparky#the way she talks fucking tickles my brain so much im so . ohguohguohoghog SHE#SORRY THAT THIS TOOK SO LONG you see i was in the mindset that i would do this one little thing and then i would do my work which uh.#that leads to so so SO much procrastination. including on fun things! oh so fun things.#today was an event.#i also spent quite a bit of time ruminating i “would she really say that” is worse when shes literally you#to clarify. she is spam's aunt by like. building standards. not really in her found family. so its fucked up but as i said in discord this#is like. a “your mom's kinda hot” level crush. you know. also sorry i really wanted to say filament fever its been eating at me okay#nothing SERIOUS the way my f/os (and spam's f/os (plural now?? i guess?? if today was a canon event)) are#honestly mark still feels like the only real one with her to me but damn it. if spam's reflecting My Changes then she's Reflecting My Chang#spam in toontown unlike my other sonas is the most “its just you again” out of all of them and thats partially because her main#cog connection... is frostbite. they bounce off each other like we literally bounce off each other and damn it shes been so stagnant on her#own because of it. mark happened and she mirrored that because i kept fucking talking about him while we were in character and ideally#i should TRY to fix her. but also man because i'm not doing Serious lore stuff with her i dont. even know if i want to.#i kinda brushed it over the rug by saying that she relies on her constant entertainment so readily because she herself still doesnt feel#like she has a place outside of cogs only. sure she's in high roller backstage sure she's in allan's family now but shes not Doing anything#with herself the way that her friends are. mole's a ranger. frostbite cohosts. wishes... has chip. and something she doesn't have--#living and fully growing as a toon. rather than being haphazardly slapped into a world. and in some respects she's envious of frostbite#finding themselves so quickly because she distracts herself because she's still kinda struggling with it. despite everything. yes she lives#happy and carefree a lot of the time but she keeps buying those dumb phones because when she's truly alone... her mind starts to wander.#that's what mark is for. so that spam can dream of a world where she has a purpose. even if its fake and fragile and just nothing compared#to the great friends that she already has. where she feels like its worth it doing something when she doesn't have anyone. and in that#respect. with the goons ma allan parallels in sonboy the spam cathal parallels shine. seeking tv (and to a lesser extent games) as a#method of escapism. even when one's life is already pretty good. because there's nothing else worth doing without friends or family.#the internet isn't just cool. it gives her something to be when it seems like everyone is something but her. and maybe thats a lazy#excuse for why it seems like she doesnt HAVE anything to call her own but that but damn it i'm trying my best to twist it around.#spam has such a HISTORY yknow? even if it feels like i havent established her much.#spam is the hearts to frostbite's spades not just because they're the duo of all time but because spam's fake stupid love keeps her going#sorry i just started rambling in the tags of this post about spam it. happens. she loves her friends so much i need to reiterate that okay
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